The College Disease GuideCreated by Scott Teigland

Resident Assistant at Carroll University

The College Disease GuideI have assembled a list of the most common

diseases I have noticed that are affecting college kids across the country. I have put together this list in hopes of helping to cure all of these diseases. My expertise as an RA has helped me to establish a list of the diseases, their symptoms, prevention, and treatment for all of the diseases mentioned. If you have any questions regarding these diseases please seek immediate assistance for clarification. I promise if your follow the prevention and treatment steps any symptoms you have will be cured!!!

Broke-Assness Symptoms

You can sit on your wallet and not know its there

Someone could steal your wallet and your only worry is losing a condom and picture of your grandma

Prevention Don’t exceed credit limits Always tell your mom you

love her Keep and eye on who is in

your room Treatment

Get you a J.O.B. so you can be I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T.

Cut up you credit cards

The MunchiesSymptoms

Extreme fiscal loss to the nearest vending machine

Extreme hunger for weird foods EX: 3 bags of cheetos,

47 pizza rolls, 3 liters of soda

PreventionDon’t smoke illegal

substancesTreatment

Same as above

WFD (Wet Floor Disorder)Symptoms

All electronic devices no longer work

Dry bed is now water bed

Books are no longer readable

PreventionDon’t hang things from

the water pipesDon’t smoke in the room

TreatmentOne really LARGE bill

from housing departmentAll new personal

property paid for by YOU

Burglaritis Symptoms

Your stuff is no longer yours You see someone listening to

what used to be your IPOD Prevention

Lock your doors Don’t show off expensive

items Don’t lend out your keys Report lost keys

IMEDIATELY Treatment

Cry to your parents Call insurance agent Buy new stuff (expensive) Report to Public Safety(542-

7300)

“Stuck-Butt”Symptoms

Wet buttYou find yourself sitting

at a peculiar, lower position on the toilet

Public embarrassmentPrevention

Check to make sure the toilet seat is down

Put the seat back down if you are scared to pee at a urinal

TreatmentDry off your bottom

HangoverSymptoms

Memory lossHead acheDehydrationAwkward morningsVomit Loss of teeth

PreventionDON’T GET DRUNK

TreatmentSee above prevention

Drunkensia Symptoms

Slurred speech, stupid decisions, vomiting, incoherent speech, vomiting, not so stable balance, vomiting, puking, blow chunks, and random narcolepsy (see picture)

PreventionDON’T GET DRUNK

TreatmentSame as above

Sexually Transmitted DiseasesSymptoms

Burning urination, red bumps, green puss, warts in the wrong places

PreventionIf she looks nasty…

she’s nastyWear a condomJust say no to unsafe sexDon’t have intoxicated

sexTreatment

Seek medical assistance, some are curable by antibiotics

Anti-Academia Symptoms

Papers with and “F” at the top and your name isn’t Frank

Missing 8:00 classes Upset parents Academic probation Repeating classes

Prevention Don’t party more than you

study Treatment

Study a little each day, but take breaks

Get a tutor, go to the learning commons, seek the Walter Young Center

Study with friends in a group

Reverse Attentiveness Symptoms

Falling asleep in class Late night video game

sessions You know every song on

every Rock Band game You dream about C.O.D,

W.O.W, DDR or any other acronymed video game

Prevention Play video games as a

break from studying, don’t study as a break from video games

Treatment Destroy all video games

systems

“Bumpty”Symptoms

You look like what you did at 3 am when you were sleeping

PJs in the class room Unbrushed hair or teeth

Prevention Have friends who care

about you Care about yourself

Treatment Pay close attention to the 3

S’s- s***, shower, and shave

Buy and tooth brush and use it

Wake up 15 minutes earlier

Cluelessness Symptoms

The only news anchors you know are Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert

Your computer homepage is facebook

Your parents can know what you have done for the last 24 hours and they haven’t talked to you in 3 weeks

You have no classes before 8 am or after 2 pm or on Wednesday or Friday

You believe no one else in the world can text while driving better than you. Also, that no one else should be allowed to talk on the phone while driving, but you

Prevention There is none

Treatment Grow up and be boring