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Cloud Psychopaths
London CloudPsychocamp Oct 2012
@stevie_chambersCTO canopy-cloud.com
cloud crazy?
Does the guy at the other end of twitter look like this?
@reillyusa
cloud chop suey?
Why is Chris beating up Vince Cerf?
Or is Chris being attacked?
Why is the man with the camera finding this funny?
Cloudwashing?
cloud squirrel?
Are dogs psychopaths?
Are squirrels psychopaths?
jon ronson
what is a psychopath?
• Robert Hare PCL-R• 2 factors, 20 items• Each item is scored
– 0 does not apply– 1 applies somewhat– 2 definitely applies
• SCORE YOURSELF!– prize is a holiday for 1
near Crowthorne, UKhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hare_Psychopathy_Checklist
Psychopath fast test
these are not pyschopaths
health warning
• DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME THE PUB!– should only be deployed by professionals
– community forums and innocent advice– thesis• anyone who thinks cloud is optional, a game,
or is curious about its destructive effects – is likely a pyschopath. ways to tell…
factor 1
selfish, callous and remorseless use of others
narcissistic personality disorder
1/1 Grandiose sense of self-worth
Cloud is the answer to everything
My cloud is the answer to everything
0 1 2
I am cloud
1/2 Glibness/Superficial Charm
Cloud is easy
0 1 2
Cloud is obvious
Come on in the water’s lovely
Is the person always doing lightning talks…
1/3 Pathological Lying
Cloud is for everything (but only have web app examples)
0 1 2
Cloud never goes down
Patriot Act doesn’t matter
Data sovereignty doesn’t matter
1/4 Cunning and manipulative
I like you, you’re smart, you “get” cloud, like me
You’re one of us
0 1 2
Come and present at…
1/5 Lack of remorse or guilt
Oh, the cloud I advised you to use went down?
0 1 2
How interesting…
Your business was down?
1/6 Shallow effect
Does the dog really love you?
0 1 2
1/7 Lack of empathy
Let your crapplications die
Rewrite all your apps
0 1 2
Get rid of your CIO
1/8 Failure to accept responsibility
It’s your decision You didn’t explain your needs correctly
0 1 2
1/9 Prone to boredom
0 1 2
1/10 Parasitic lifestyle
Cloud consultant?
Do as I say, not as I doI’m an advisor
0 1 2
factor 2
chronically unstable, antisocial and socially deviant lifestyle
histrionic personality disorder
2/1 Poor behavioural control
Can’t resist free pizza and beer?
0 1 2
2/2 Unrealistic long term goals
One day there will only be cloud
Cloud is the final destination
0 1 2
2/3 Impulsivity
Stick it in the cloud, what could possibly go wrong?
0 1 2
2/4 Irresponsibility
Security and performance is someone else's problem
0 1 2
2/5 Juvenile delinquency
What is the person’s IT track record? Job history?
0 1 2
2/6 Early behavioural problems
Early adopter of ASP, SOA
0 1 2
2/7 Revocation of conditional release
Persistent offender
Can’t help themselves
0 1 2
2/8 Promiscuous sexual behaviour
any API
hybrid cloud
0 1 2
2/9 Many short term marriages
• Weak/fake alliance marketing
0 1 2
2/10 Criminal versatility
drop cloud, adopt the next big thing
0 1 2
Your score?
• Picture of people• According to the rigorous, scientific
and industry standard methodology we’ve just done?– <5, sit down you’re normal– <30, sit down, you’re a criminal– applaud the people left standing, be nice
to them
Innocent victims?
developer administrator CIO
unbend my iron
• cloud < utility, but what is cloud?– clouds move across boundaries– clouds are driven by natural forces– Cloud is not NIST, not Dope’n’stack, not
VMware– southern electric does not create custom
electric for my home grown iron– APIs are the plug sockets of this generation– technology naval gazing is not cloud
Final Thoughts
• a psychopath is for life, not just for christmas
• 20% population cause 70% of the pain
• when asking for cloud advice, beware!