© 2013 IITAP, LLC

STEPS TO RECOVERY FOR PARTNERS OF SEX ADDICTS

Mending a Shattered Heart & Facing Heartbreak

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Common Questions from Partners• Will this get better? Is there hope?• What is disclosure?• How do I structure my boundaries?• What do I tell the kids?• Should I stay or should I go?• What are the 12 steps and what can they do for me?• Where do I get help?• Is my husband a pedophile?• Is my husband gay?

© 2013 IITAP, LLC

© 2013 IITAP, LLC

THE COURSE OF RECOVERY OVER TIME AND THE PARALLEL PATH OF THE PARTNER

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The Six Stage Model Defined for Partners• Stages are fluid and often overlap• No specific time periods for each stage• Similar to addict stages

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Stages of Recovery for the Partner• The Developing Stage (Pre-Discovery)• Crisis• Shock• Grief (Ambivalence)• Repair • Growth

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THE COURSE OF RECOVERY OVER TIME

DEVELOPING STAGE

(Pre-discovery)

CRISIS/ Decision/ Information Gathering

SHOCK STAGE

GRIEF STAGE

REPAIR STAGE

GROWTH STAGE

© 2013 IITAP, LLC

THE DEVELOPING STAGE• Prior to learning partners behavior is an addiction

• Can last months or more commonly years.• Partners either knew of the behavior or were completely “in the dark” re: illicit sexual behaviors

• If a partner knew of behaviors, often would minimize, deny, blame themselves or join in the sexual escapades of the addict

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The Developing Stage• Believe tall tales.• Tolerate, normalize unacceptable behavior from the addict (verbal abuse, dependency, unavailability, mood swings, etc.).

• Self- doubt (second-guessing, not trusting gut feelings).

• Seek couples therapy to treat the relationship.• Unmanageability.

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Crisis Stage• Façade of addict has been exposed.• Catalytic event that causes partner to confront reality of

the addiction• Information-seeking at its highest• Take action/ making decisions (e.g. sending to treatment,

joining a 12-step group, read literature pertaining to sexual addiction, separation, file for divorce, seek information

• Emotional turmoil

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Typical Path of Disclosure

• Deny everything• Disclose what you think you can get away

with• Disclose a bit more• Get confronted as more things come out• Disclose all• (REPEAT!)

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Shock Stage• Feelings and emotions occur as a result of the initial

discovery/disclosure of the addiction• Emotional numbness or avoidance• Feeling victimized/ traumatized• Suspicious• Fear about slips, future• Feelings of despair• Anger (hostility, self-righteousness, blame, criticism)• Ruminating/ Distrust• Desire accountability/ disclosure from addict

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Shock Stage Continued• Partner

• Disclosure of ALL previously concealed behavior is desired

• Reasons cited:• To make sense of the past• To validate their suspicions• To gain a sense of control• To assess their risk of STD exposure• To assess their partner’s relationship commitment

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Grief and Ambivalence

• Grieving losses.• Feelings of depression.• Ambivalence about the relationship.• Increased introspection and focus on the self.

• Less focus on the addicts behavior.

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Repair Stage• Introspection.• Decision-making stage about the relationship.• Deeper insight into possible co-dependency issues.• Family of origin themes examined and integrated.• Prior losses more fully grieved.• Increased strength and coping skills.• Boundary setting.• Emotional stability.

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Growth Stage• Decreased feelings of being victimized by the addiction.

• Focus on issues not directly related to the addiction.

• Awareness of your role in the dysfunction of the relationship increases.

• Acknowledgement of gifts the addiction has brought to your life.

© 2013 IITAP, LLC

STAGE MIX IN RECOVERY

1 2 3 4 5 6

Cri

sis

/Decis

ion

S

hock

Gri

ef

D

evelo

pin

g

1 2 3 4 5 6

S

hock

G

rief

1 2 3 4 5 6

G

rief

Rep

air

Gro

wth

Develop

ing

Crisis/D

ecision

R

ep

air

Gro

wth

Develop

ing

Crisis/D

ecision

Shock

R

ep

air

G

row

th

1. Early First Year

2. Third Year

3. Fifth Year

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Trauma Survivor or Codependent?

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Trauma model for partners

• Research shows partners experience PTSD symptoms and symptoms of acute stress disorder post disclosure (Steffens and Rennie, 2006)

• Sexual Trauma Model (Minwalla, Chapter 6 Mending)

• More practitioners acknowledging partner’s experience as trauma

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Trauma Model for Partners

• “Relational Trauma” triggers a multitude of trauma responses:• Emotional Turmoil• Fear that manifests as protective behaviors• Obsessing about the trauma• Avoidance of thinking about or discussing the trauma

• Intrusive thinking about the addiction or acting out behaviors

• Sleeplessness/ nightmares

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The Level of Trauma is influence by…• Amount of deception• Length of time of deception• Gaslighting/ covert emotional abuse• Type of acting out/ offending behavior• Exposure to the acting out• Public Embarrassment• Impact on the children• Impact on finances

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Developing Therapeutic Alliance with the Partner

• Validate Trauma• Typical “Joining” strategies• Allow for narrating of story and pain• Emphasize the importance of their own therapeutic process

• Boundary work• Challenge cautiously – do deeper, more introspective work, after initial trauma symptoms have decreased• Abandonment, FOO issues, past traumas

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Traditional Codependency Model

• Approximately 50% of partners self-identify as “co-dependent”

• Many partners will not want to be “labeled”, especially initially.

• As therapeutic alliance grows may be able to challenge them more

• Couples nicely with addict’s 12 step work – partner “works their own program”

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Characteristics of Co-Addiction/ Co-dependency• Denial• Preoccupation• Enabling• Rescuing• Taking excessive

responsibility

• Emotional turmoil• Efforts to Control• Compromise of self• Anger• Sexual issues

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Criticisms

• Trauma Model

• Addict is “sick” and partner is “healthy”

• Does not challenge partner to get out of “victim” stance

• Does not challenge partner to take responsibility for their own behaviors

• Codependency Model

• Developed in Patriarchical Addiction culture

• Pathologizes family members

• Traumatizing to partners – when they feel misunderstood

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Influence on Partner Sexuality• Relational Sexual Difficulties• Sexual Aversion• Sexual Shame• Body Image Issues• Sexual Secrets• Obligatory Sex• Broken Trust• www.recoveryzone.com to take PSS

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Support for Partners• Therapy

• Task Centered Therapy

• Trauma work• Group support (facilitated group therapy)

• Normalizes• Decreases Shame

• Twelve Step Support• Spiritual Support• Family/ Couples work when appropriate• Bibliotherapy

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TREATMENT FOR THE PARTNER

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© 2013 IITAP, LLC

PARTNER TASKS

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The Seven Tasks for Partners

1. Cope with the Trauma of Discovery/Disclosure

2. Manage the Crisis

3. Develop a Plan for Support and Self-Care

4. Understand the Nature of Addiction

5. Deal with the Emotional Aftershock

6. Communicate Effectively about the Addiction

7. Create a Recovery Plan

© 2013 IITAP, LLC

Task 1: Cope with the trauma of discovery/ disclosure• Recognize the Trauma • Learn About the Toxic Dance of the Staggered Disclosure

• Toxic Flow: The STEPS of Staggered Disclosure • Identify Lies and Misinformation • Identify Level of Trauma • Recognize the Difference Between Big (Big T) and Small (Small T) Traumas in your Life

• Recognize Trauma Symptoms • Learn to Tell Your Story of What Happened

© 2013 IITAP, LLC

© 2013 IITAP, LLC

Task 2: Manage the crisis

• Establish Safety • Create a Safety Shield • Set Non-Negotiable Boundaries • Set Healthy Emotional Boundaries • Set Healthy Physical and Sexual Boundaries • Set Healthy Boundaries for People, Places and Things • Develop a Communication Plan

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© 2013 IITAP, LLC

© 2013 IITAP, LLC

© 2013 IITAP, LLC

Task 3: Develop a plan for support and self care

• Establish a Support System • Build your Support Network • Find a Therapist • Learn About Group Therapy • Get Involved in a Twelve Step Community • Create a Self-Care Plan • Find Other Methods of Self-Care

• Practice a Relaxation Technique • Learn to Soothe

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Task 4: Understand the nature of addiction

• Learn key concepts about addiction in general • Learn about Sex Addiction • Learn about Addiction and the Brain • Recognize Current Beliefs About Addiction • Understand the Concept of Cross Addiction • Understand Criteria for Addictive Illness • Learn Risk Factors of Addiction

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Task 5: Deal with the emotional aftershock

• Identify your Emotions • Identify your Losses • Deal with Grievances • Manage your Pain • Cope with your Anger • Deal with the Shame and Guilt • Cope with Feelings of Numbness and Efforts to Distract• Deal with Confusion • Find Hope

© 2013 IITAP, LLC

© 2013 IITAP, LLC

© 2013 IITAP, LLC

© 2013 IITAP, LLC

Task 6: Communicate effectively about the addiction

• Write a Partner Impact Letter • Identify Your Communication Style • Explore Communication Roles and the Karpman Triangle

• Create a Communication Toolbox • Write a Letter to Sex Addiction • Identify Toxic Ineffective Communication Strategies and Coping Behaviors

• Identify Hot Topics in about Sex Addiction in Your Relationship

© 2013 IITAP, LLC

© 2013 IITAP, LLC

© 2013 IITAP, LLC

Task 7: Create a recovery plan

• Personal Craziness Index • Complete Forgiveness Exercise • Complete Forge Ahead Exercise • Complete a Sexuality Survey • Understand Partner’s Impact on Your Sexuality • Create Sexual Affirmations • Identify Negative Beliefs About Your Body and Your Sexuality

• Find Alternative Reactions to Destructive Behaviors

© 2013 IITAP, LLC

© 2013 IITAP, LLC

© 2013 IITAP, LLC

© 2013 IITAP, LLC

THANK YOU!