quotes: hGentlemen, I want to make one thing perfectly clear: I mean to put you in harm's way.

-Gene Hackman as Admiral Reigart in "Behind Enemy Lines"

I guess she'll stop acting weird now that i'm not a guy.

-Kerry Hagan

so, like, i have insomnia so, i tried my tried-and-true very very very last resort: alcohol. drank down a couple a guinnesses too fast for the quality of the beer. now, im a blasted insomniac, and i have devised a few schemes for the betterment of the human race.

-Kerry Hagan

The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.

-Alexander Haig

You're a creature of the night, Michael. Wait'll Mom hears about this.

-Corey Haim as Sam Emerson in "The Lost Boys"

I get women naked, and pass the savings on to you.

-Tony Halasohoris

Some people think a song without words isn't a real song. Tell that to Beethoven and he'll kick your ass!

-Eddie Van Halen

Elvis is dead. Give it up.

-Michelle Hall

I saw "Sleep With Me", with Eric Stoltz... I can see how the rest of my life is going to go... it's depressing... and painful... and sucky... and Quentin Tarantino is there... it's horrible...

-Michelle Hall

It's that goddamn salinger book that did it. Every time. And the fact that parents let me read too much as a child. It just ruined me.

-Michelle Hall

Oh how i love being tragic. Oh how i love outright lies.

-Michelle Hall

The goddamn cat never bit you. That was me.

-Michelle Hall

You know, he's a much better doctor when he's raging drunk.

-Michelle Hall

Personally I do not take a stand on the quaint customs that may take place in the colonies. If they wish to speak in a certain way then that is their business. When the greatest cultural aspiration of a society is to place a MacBurger Bar and Hagen Das Ice Cream palour on every highstreet of the globe it seems somewhat irrelevant to start taking them up on their vocabulary.

-Phill Hallam-Baker

It was a good job, but not a great job. It taught me a lot about how I want to spend 40 years until retirement. About my values, and what's important to me. What I want to do with my life. The people I want to work with. I won't miss it very much, though -- They wanted me to wear pants every DAY.

-Erik Hallberg

The perception appears to be that Americans are workaholics, Americans are crazy, Americans take life too seriously and don't enjoy life. But that's also why you don't see a lot of Netscapes sprouting out of the south of France.

-John Hallett, CEO, NMP Inc.

And tell me what's going on. Since I have no social life and I work more than I ever have before. Combined. Writing my tenth paper of the year right now. Well, not writing it now, writing mail now... but I will write it.

-Kerry Halpern

There was industrial before NIN? Next you'll tell me there was punk before Black Flag.

-Kit Halsted

Some of us have our own opinions. I, for instance, have the opinion that you're a twit.

-Kit Halsted

The best we can hope for concerning the people at large is that they be properly armed.

-Alexander Hamilton, The Federalist Papers

There are only 2 enterprises that refer to their customers as users, and one is illegal.

-Hammer

Machines should work. People should think.

-Richard Hamming

I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.

-Jack Handley

It's supposed to be hard; if it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great.

-Tom Hanks, "A League of Their Own"

So you see, not only does cell phone radiation cause impotence, incontinence, jock itch, malaria, and loss of hearing, but it also makes you stupid and forgetful. Furthermore, frequent and and public use of cell phones will cause all of your children to be born *completely naked*. Some of the cool Dick Tracy wrist phones that were recently announced are, however, totally cool and harmless.

-Hannibal, ArsTechnica

I use Macs for work, Linux for education, and Windows for Solitaire.

-Lorca Hanns

The thing that makes you exceptional, if you are at all, is inevitably that which must also make you lonely.

-Lorraine Hansberry

Alex, I'll take "Annoying Software" for $200.

-Chris Hanson

Diving gear? Fetish wear? What's the difference?

-Chris Hanson

I want a non filesystem-based source code management & control system. I want it to have a nice interface, supported on multiple platforms for both the client and server, and support multiple independent projects built from the same source base. I want it to use a protocol that is published as an Internet Draft or informational RFC. And I want a pony.

-Chris Hanson

Which part of "I CAN'T DO THAT IN 2 HOURS!" didn't you understand?!

-Chris Hanson

Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if pac man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms munching pills and listening to repetitive music.

-Kaz Harai, CEO, Sony Computer Entertainment

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

-Salvador Hardin

I've attempted to build a caffeine death ray out of empty Mtn Dew cans. All I need now are 3 tons of dessicated spleens..

-Jordan Hardgrove

I've solved the problem of world hunger: Feed the homeless to the poor!

-Jordan Hardgrave

If you put an infinite amount of monkeys in front of an infinite amount of typewriters, they'd eventually produce the entire works of Shakespeare. Do the same with humans and computers and you get Windows Vista. Score: Monkeys 1, Humans 0

-Jordan Hardgrove

I'm not claiming to any moral high ground. Sometimes, I make grilled cheese sandwiches with velveeta for dinner.

-Jonathan Hardwick

I didn't mind that you were sleeping. It's just that you were snoring.

-Professor Harper

Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.

-Sydney J. Harris

The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers.

-Sydney Harris

The sound of people drowning is something I cannot describe to you. And neither can anyone else. It is the most dreadful sound. And there is a dreadful silence that follows it.

-Eva Hart, Titanic survivor

Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation.

-Johnny Hart

Nothing can so prevent you from learning the truth as the belief that you already know it.

-Jon Hart

Over the years we have been warned about the danger of subversive organizations that would threaten our liberties, subvert our system, would encourage its members to take further illegal action to advance their views, organizations that would incite and promote violence, pitting one American group against another... There is an organization that does fit those descriptions, and it is the organization, the leadership of which has been most constant in its warning to us to be on guard against such harm. The FBI.

-Senator Philip A. Hart

I am disassociating myself from work here. I don't consider you a client for the rest of this post, just a moron.

-Jeremy Hartman

One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer terror.

-W. K. Hartmann

I feel like Keith Richards looks. ugh.

-Matthew Haughey

Web designers doing weblogs is kind of like the old joke about student film makers: they tend produce films about being a student film maker, filled with struggling actors playing struggling actors and frustrated writers playing frustrated writers.

-Matthew Haughey

Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.

-Harvard's Law

I'm worried about Congress really messing this up. We have that tendency, I've been told.

-Senator Orin Hatch

I could stop here, but I'm going to subject you to a bunch of math.

-David Haussler

God not only plays dice, he also sometimes throws the dice where they cannot be seen.

-Stephen Hawking

That's a definition, not a theorem. That means you don't argue with it; you just write it down and memorize it.

-Warren Hawley

As we all know, "hard sf" is the rigorously demanding, intellectually taxing practice of "sf without a net," which rejects squishy soft ideas like human biology or psychology in favor of hardnosed, realistic concepts such as hyperdrives, travel through black holes, omnipotent aliens, etc.

-Patrick Nielsen Hayden

We tend to idealize tolerance, then wonder why we find ourselves infested with losers and nut cases.

-Patrick Nielsen Hayden

Of course all ISPs suck. They try to take a global communications infrastructure and run it like a macdonald's franchise.

-Reilly Hayes

People criticize my father because they say his models say inane things. I've met these girls. They ARE inane.

-Christie Hefner

No conflict exists between the pleasure a modern American finds in material things and his struggle to discover a new scientific truth, or evolve a new philosophy, or create a work of art. The good life, the full life, encompasses all of these - and all of them satisfy and spur a man on to do more, see more, know more, experience more.

-Hugh Hefner

When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth.

-Cynthia Heimel

Whenever they burn books they will also, in the end, burn human beings.

-Heinrich Heine

A poet who reads his own verse in public may have other nasty habits.

-Robert Heinlein

Some practical jokes are funny once. Do it once, you're a wit; do it twice you're a half-wit.

-Robert Heinlein

Stupidity cannot be cured. Stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death. There is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity.

-Robert Heinlein

The only inherent sin in society lies in hurting others unnecessarily. Hurting yourself in not sinful - just dumb.

-Robert Heinlein

The supreme irony of life is hardly anyone ever gets out of it alive.

-Robert Heinlein

They didn't want it good, they wanted it Wednesday.

-Robert Heinlein

When you have shot and killed a man, you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer to a definite problem. For better or for worse, you have acted decisively. In a way the next move is up to him!

-Robert Heinlein

Women and cats will do as they please. And men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

-Robert Heinlein

Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards.

-Robert Heinlein

my title is software engineer, not hack engineer.

-Sherry Heinz

alright now, i have been hearing murmurs of doing something tonight that combines a) drinking and b) drinking. something about a getogether tonight, and i must say that i am not opposed. in fact, i would be willing to devote considerable resources (i may even stand up) to make this happen. but i cannot act alone. in the immortal words of the not-so-immortal benjamin franklin: "we must drink together, or surely we shall all drink seperately and probably pass out and drown in pools of our own vomit". he was a true patriot.

-Chris Heiser

And she's like "I don't want to hear this," and I'm like "well neither do I, so shut up."

-Chris Heiser

As my friend Eric Meyhofer would say, 'That guy's a loser'.

-Chris Heiser

...because i spent the first three hours of the day in intense meditation trying to decide the most effective way for me to convey my overwhelming desire for you to BITE ME.

-Chris Heiser

You could tell me you met this girl. You could tell me she was intelligent, not just pop intelligent like these other women, but really intelligent, like 'she runs me around in circles' and she's gorgeous, and we like each other, but not too much, and God himself blessed this relationship - God himself came down and said 'I bless this relationship', and I'd be like 'Oh shit.'

-Chris Heiser

God, I can see it now: me, lying on the ground, face besmeared with BBQ sauce, passing out listening to some Lady Ga-Ga crap or worse.

-Chris Heiser

Guess what I have. Hint: it's black and contains a loaded shotgun.

-Chris Heiser

i have, as of late, tried to find the root of this particular emotion and its various manifestations (personal hatred, world hunger, the republican party, hale-bopp, hollywood, automatic porsches, wired, Mtv unplugged, stock market crashes, the stock market, financial analysts, money, no money, franz ferdinand breakups, bill gates, spam, anderson cooper, intolerance, tolerance of the intolerable, deep blue, fast food, slow food, work, insomnia, apple pie, injection-molded plastics, new music, the radio, the tv, the microwave, the toaster, geothermal warming, and urban hipsterism) and have decided that it boils down to one single, quantifiable, elemental issue. you need more horsepower.

-Chris Heiser

In every situation, its good to have an agenda. The agenda here is wasting time.

-Chris Heiser

It's better than tv-dinner style philosophy with a side order of angst.

-Chris Heiser

Land of the free! Home of the brave! Go directly to jail! Blow habeus corpus out your rectum.

-Chris Heiser

NASCAR (a name that is synonomyus with poorly-built cars careening off other poorly built cars and concrete walls at 190 MPH because their drivers are completely incompetent and whose mouths are too full of chew to radio to the pits that their cars are on fire and about to explode)

-Chris Heiser

One must work hard at procrastination, or something might get done ahead of time.

-Chris Heiser

She is by far one of the most mentally decapitated people I have ever met.

-Chris Heiser

...so I'm sitting here telling her about my skills and how I'm the super master of everything and about how I actually made a C Threepio clone out of twelve transistors and a block of aluminium. She said that someone would get back to me.

-Chris Heiser

To put it another way, it's cool. Still another angle might be: the old way kinda sucked.

-Chris Heiser

You will get used to it, or die.

-Chris Heiser

They'll need to do a double-blind test. That's where they stick pins in both eyes and shove a cell phone up your ass.

-Chris Heise

Uh... you're a moron.

-Chris Heiser

Women suck, they're all disgusting little psychopathic leeches who do nothing more in your life than to suck your soul, leave your wallet empty, your heart broken, and your life destroyed.

-Chris Heiser

you know what your problem is? you need to spend _less_ time with situations where you know you will ultimately get (mentally/emotionally/physically) screwed, and _more_ time with me in a hummer with a loaded shotgun in the back.

-Chris Heiser

I want everyone in the whole world to like me, except the people that I've already met, handled, found inconsequential, and forgot about.

-Joseph Heller, "Something Happened"

Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them.

-Joseph Heller

Someone is going to be laying that provocative, pretty, hot-pantsed little girl soon, if someone isn't doing it already, and why shouldn't it be me, instead of some callow, arrogant wise guy, who would not relish her as much as I would, regale and intoxicate her with the spell of flattery and small attentions I could weave, or savor the piquant degeneracy of it nearly as much as I would be certain to.

-Joseph Heller

The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.

-Robert Heller

Markets react worse to change than to Democrats.

-David Henry and Adam Shell, The USA Today

Our generation is the first generation forced into low-paying jobs at minimum wage.

-Imani Henry, National People's Campaign

Guard with jealous attention the public liberty. Suspect everyone who approaches that jewel. Unfortunately, nothing will preserve it but downright force: Whenever you give up that force, you are inevitably ruined.

-Patrick Henry

I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death.

-Patrick Henry

Intelligence reports are only useful for the intelligent.

-Shane Henry

You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.

-Hepler, Systems Design 182

Beyond a critical point within a finite space, freedom diminishes as numbers increase. This is as true of humans in the finite space of a planetary ecosystem as it is of gas molecules in a sealed flask. The human question is not how many can possibly survive within the system, but what kind of existence is possible for those who do survive.

-Pardot Kynes in Frank Herbert's _Dune_

No more terrible disaster could befall your people than for them to fall into the hands of a Hero.

-Pardot Kynes in Frank Herbert's _Dune_

The people I distrust most are those who want to improve our lives but have only one course of action.

-Frank Herbert

Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.

-Malcolm Herbert

Thousands of years ago the Egyptians worshiped cats as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

-Charles Herbig

Hmm, everyone contributing to the common good. But I thought Communism was dead!

-Chris Herborth

Monkey good. Sphincter bad.

-Roberto Herrera

Many businessmen fail to understand Python principles-- the ultimate absurdity was an offer from America to buy the "format" of the Python shows, that is, _Monty Python_ without the Pythons-- corporate methods do not have the conceptual framework to deal with an anarchist collective, run by intelligent and arrogant comedians who have proved that their method works.

-Robert Hewison

How many bitter men does it take to change a light bulb? We don't care, and if you try we'll just throw the lamp against the wall again.

-Chris Hickie

Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to look at the other guy's.

-Hal Hickman

Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself, subjectively; there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.

-Bill Hicks, Dangerous

If the evidence doesn't seem to fit a particular conspiracy theory, just build a bigger conspiracy theory.

-Robert D. Hicks, In Pursuit of Satan

It's a terrific, totally safe way to meet new people. Complete privacy is guaranteed. Your identity, and the identity of the person you have chosen, remains confidential until both persons agree to meet, a thorough background check and credit profile have been performed, and a neutral meeting place has been arbitrated. Should the date go badly, or result in injury or death, you need not ever see that person again.

-James Hightower

I have an M.D. from Harvard, I am board certified in cardio-thoracic medicine and trauma surgery, I have been awarded citations from seven different medical boards in New England, and I am never, ever sick at sea. So I ask you; when someone goes into that chapel and they fall on their knees and they pray to God that their wife doesn't miscarry or that their daughter doesn't bleed to death or that their mother doesn't suffer acute neural trama from postoperative shock, who do you think they're praying to? Now, go ahead and read your Bible, _Dennis,_ and you go to your church, and, with any luck, you might win the annual raffle, but if you're looking for God, he was in operating room number two on November 17, and he doesn't like to be second guessed. You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I AM GOD.

-Dr. Jed Hill, "Malice"

I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20 years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!" Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors. There was a computer in every doorknob.

-Danny Hillis

Germans who wish to use firearms should join the SS or the SA - ordinary citizens don't need guns, as their having guns doesn't serve the State.

-Heinrich Himmler

I'm not sure which upsets me more: that people are so unwilling to accept responsibility for their own actions, or that they are so eager to regulate everyone else's.

-Kee Hinckley

England has already lost the war. It is only a matter of having the intelligence to admit it.

-Adolf Hitler, 4/4/41

The great masses of the people . . . will more easily fall victims to a great lie than to a small one.

-Adolf Hitler

Imagine the staggering expense to properly reintroduce all those cows back into their natural habitat. You'd need to teach them how to forage for food at dumpsites and campgrounds. Instill in them basic survival skills like fleeing from their natural enemy, the flying saucer. And hire thousands of surrogate bulls for bovine sex education.

-Roy Ho

There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.

-C. A. R. Hoare

You know, when you want to circumvent the existing install checker on the average PC upgrade edition of a product, you usually have to murk around with the registry or apply cracks with non-standard install methods... things that would confuse the average newby. But on the Mac OS, you can crack your software with just a single drag of the mouse! Now that's what I call UI innovation. It's not easy being green. It takes way more food coloring than you'd think.

-Louis Hochman in "Apple Cease-And-Desist Stupidity Leak" discussion on Slashdot

I've finally figured out what's wrong with photography. It's a one-eyed man looking through a little hole. Now, how much reality can there be in that?

-David Hockney

I'm going to fix this thing if it kills you.

-Michael Hodous

You've just had a heavy day commanding a starship. You've fought Klingons off the starboard bow, kept your ship from being blown up many times, and generally worked yourself into a stupor. Now comes LOG time. You deserve more then just LOG, you deserve CAPTAIN'S LOG!

-Dave Hoek

I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.

-Bill Hoest

Irrationality is the square root of all evil.

-Douglas Hofstadter

I don't really see much upside in taking a woman and pushing her down a mountain in a scud missile

-Chris Holly on buggy

It is well to remember that the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

-John Andrew Holmes

Never tell a young person that anything cannot be done. God may have been waiting for centuries for somebody ignorant enough of the impossible to do that very thing.

-John Andrew Holmes

The universe is not hostile, nor yet is it friendly. It is simply indifferent.

-John Hughes Holmes

Man's mind, stretched to a new idea, never goes back to its original dimensions.

-Oliver Wendell Holmes

A well-balanced breakfast is an important start to a good resurrection.

-Kristie Home

Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.

-Homer

Notice: we do not condone the use of violence, but we do feel compelled, for reasons of historical accuracy, to point out that it has been employed in the past with notable effectiveness.

-from a Hong Kong Film Festival flyer

The internet is like alcohol, there's lots of it, and it makes you stupid.

-David Honig

I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.

-J. Edgar Hoover

I can give you supreme executive authority to bite my ass.

-Aaron Hopkins

You forget that the exploitation is a one way street - it's corporate policy.

-Aaron Hopkins

Poor people are crazy. I'm eccentric.

-Dennis Hopper, Speed

In pioneer days they used oxen for heavy pulling, and when one ox couldn't budge a log, they didn't try to grow a larger ox. We shouldn't be trying for bigger computers, but for more systems of computers.

-Admiral Grace Hopper

Life was simple before World War II. After that, we had systems.

-Admiral Grace Hopper

Bill Gates says no matter how much more power we can supply, he'll develop some really exciting software that will bring the machine to its knees.

-David House, Intel VP

To escape criticism -- do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

-Elbert Hubbard

Beauty is only skin deep, but it's a valuable asset if you're poor or haven't any sense.

-Kim Hubbard

The way to make money is to start your own religion.

-L. Ron Hubbard

Two things are of paramount importance in Scientology. They are WIN and LOSE.

-L. Ron Hubbard, Scientology: A New Slant on Life

An invasion of armies can be resisted, but not an idea whose time has come.

-Victor Hugo

I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses.

-Victor Hugo

"Where's Walden?"- Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly-detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods.

-Sandra Hull

Fast, fat computers breed slow, lazy programmers.

-Robert Hummel

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

-Hubert Humphrey

It swims through a sublogical fantasy world where there are no rules that can't be violated by the set designer, where everybody is really thin and beautiful and wears really cool clothes, and where death is everywhere.

-Stephen Hunter, The Washington Post, review of 'The Cell'

Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the overcompensations for misery.

-Aldous Huxley

been there. don't want to do it again. LIVE GEEKY OR DIE.

-Lori Hylan