Partners and Marriage_12

8/13/2019 Partners and Marriage_12

1/4

Partners and Marr iage

From the book:

Letters to My Son: A Father's Wisdom on Manhood, Women,Life, and LoveBy: Kent Nerburn

I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved. But I have seldom met a man who didn'tfear marriage. Something about the closure seems constricting, not enabling. Marriage seemseasier to understand for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within ourlives. When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a mistake. I saw myfriends get married for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because theythought it was the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners became

embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I looked at older couples and saw, atbest, mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering andcould not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate.

And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehowseemed to glow in each other's presence. They seemed really in love,not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other's foibles.It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I askedmyself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so muchirritation at the other's habits? What keeps love alive in them, when mostof us seem unable to even stay together, much less love each other?The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to

the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a badrelationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship tosucceed. It is important to find someone with whom you can create agood relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearlyin the early stages.

" Good people

can create a

bad

relationship,

even though

they both dearly want

the

relationshipto succeed."

Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the way you see yourselves together. Itblinds you to the thousands of little things by which relationships eventually survive or fail. Youneed to find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination.

" The truly lucky

people are the

ones who manage

to become

long-time fri ends

before they

reali ze they are

attracted to each

other."

Some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out themost heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the

other side. This can work, but it can also leave a trail of woundedhearts. Others deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get toknow each other apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly,because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that itkeeps them from having any normal perception of what life would belike together. The truly lucky people are the ones who manage tobecome long-time friends before they realize they are attracted to eachother. They get to know each other's laughs, passions, sadness, andfears. They see each other at their worst and at their best. They share


2/4


3/4

their mates.

So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a partner with whom you cangrow, and then the real miracle of marriage can take place in your hearts. I pick my wordscarefully when I speak of a miracle. But I think it is not too strong a word. There is a miracle inmarriage. It is called transformation. Transformation is one of the most common events of

nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomesspring and love becomes a child. We never question these, because we see them around usevery day. To us they are not miracles, though if we did not know them they would beimpossible to believe. Marriage is a transformation we choose to make. Our love is planted likea seed, and in time it begins to flower. We cannot know the flower that will blossom, but we canbe sure that a bloom will come. If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom will be good.If you have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the bloom will flawed. We are quite willing toaccept the reality of negative transformation in a marriage. It was negative transformation thatalways had me terrified of the bitter marriages that I feared when I was younger. It neveroccurred to me to question the dark miracle that transformed love into harshness and bitterness.

" Marri age is a

transformation

we choose

to make."

Yet I was unable to accept the possibility that the first heat of love could be

transformed into something positive that was actually deeper and moremeaningful than the heat of fresh passion. All I could believe in was thepower of this passion and the fear that when it cooled I would be left withsomething lesser and bitter. But there is positive transformation as well.

Like negative transformation, it results from a slow accretion of little things. But instead of deathby a thousand blows, it is growth by a thousand touches of love. Two histories intermingle. Twoseparate beings, two separate presence, two separate consciousnesses come together andshare a view of life that passes before them. They remain separate, but they also become one.There is an expansion of awareness, not a closure and a constriction, as I had once feared.This is not to say that there is not tension and there are not traps. Tension and traps are part ofevery choice of life, from celibate to monogamous to having multiple lovers.

Each choice contains within it the lingering doubt that the roadnot taken somehow more fruitful and exciting, and eachbecomes dulled to the richness that it alone contains. But onlymarriage allows life to deepen and expand and be leavened bythe knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, tobecome one. Those who live together without marriage canknow the pleasure of shared company, but there is a specificgravity in the marriage commitment that deepens thatexperience into something richer and more complex.

" But only marr iage

allows l ife to deepen and

expand and be leavened

by the knowledge that

two have chosen,

against all odds,

to become one."

" I f you believe in your heart that youhave found someone with whom

you are able to grow, if you have suf fi cient fai th that you can

resist the endless attraction of the road not

taken and the partner not chosen,

i f you have the strength of heart to embrace the cycles and

seasons that

So do not fearmarriage, just as youshould not rush into itfor the wrongreasons. It is an actof faith and itcontains within it thepower oftransformation. If you


4/4

your love wil l exper ience, then

you may be ready to seek the

mir acle that marr iage offers."

believe in your heartthat you have foundsomeone with whomyou are able to grow,if you have sufficientfaith that you can

resist the endlessattraction of the roadnot taken and thepartner not chosen, ifyou have the strengthof heart to embracethe cycles andseasons that yourlove will experience,then you may beready to seek themiracle that marriage

offers. If not, thenwait. The easy graceof a marriage wellmade is worth yourpatience. When thetime comes, athousand flowers willbloom...endlessly.

Documents

Partners and Marriage_12