The Afterlife:New Arrivals Orientation Manual

Dear Osama bin Laden:

As a new arrival you must be oriented immediately. Some of what you learn today may be surprising, even shocking, to the newly initiated.

Once fully oriented you will be assigned to permanent housing. Eternal housing conditions vary widely, ranging from very, very, very nice, to simply atrocious. Assignments are final and not subject to appeal.

Before housing assignments are announced you must be read into a few key points:

Allah -- as you call Him -- is Jewish. (Just get over it.)If you are looking for a fellow you call "The Prophet Mohammad," he can be found running The Three Pigs in a Blanket Pancake House in downtown Paradise. (Try the Triple Slam ham omelet. It's to die for.)Don't even think of asking where your 71 virgins are. We got tired of that joke centuries ago.Meals are served 24-hours a day in the Hormel Porkatorium.There's free entertainment nightly at The Great Satan Center for The Performing Arts. (Showing this millennium: Lady Gaga marathon. Next millennium: Amy Winehouse followed by All Justin Bieber All The Time.)Muslim religious services are held within the secure Cheney Mosque & Pedicure Compound.A roommate has been assigned to you. His/Her/Its name is Michael Jackson. (He has trouble sleeping, leave his Boy's Life magazines alone and, above all else, don't get him going about his damn nose!)You can roam freely but are to avoid contact with; Hitler, Saddam, Richard Nixon, Stalin and Jerry Falwell.Daily co-ed bathing is mandatory. Facilities are available for baths at the Caligula Memorial Baths and Beyond.In your prayers you indicated a desire for a pet. You have been assigned two pets. First, squeal with joy as you meet Infidel, a precocious potbelly pig. You also are assigned a very loud, very talkative parrot that swears like Donald Trump and endlessly repeats "Winning!" when told to shut up. Enjoy.Dress code: Lose the robes. In fact, lose everything. We don't wear cloths up Here. (Is that a stick of dynamite in your pants or are you just glad to be here? ;-)Finally "Allah" wants a word with you about all the blood you shed claiming He authorized it. He didn't authorize anything of the sort, and he is really pissed. I've seen him mad before, like yesterday when the Pope moved ahead making John Paul -- who ran the biggest pedophile protection racket in history -- a saint. But I think He's even more pissed at you.

Which is kinda a clue the kind of permanent housing you're gonna get out Him.

Thank you for your attention to these matters. And remember, Paradise Human Resources is here to make your eternity feel like an eternity.

Hunter S. Thompson, Manager, Paradise Human Resources & Liquid Spirits Dispensary