Of If's and But's

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Of If’s and Buts’

A Short Novel

Nivethitha Kumar

[OF IF’S AND BUTS’] Nivethitha Kumar

The Wedding

The red saree in its typical Iyengar* style looked beautiful because it adorned

me, or so I wanted to think. I wistfully put on the one last bangle in my hand to

complete the bridal look. I looked beautiful and I knew it. The mirror as though

knowing this added a little extra glow when it reflected my countenance.

Amidst all the fuss that was being made around, I managed to single out one

particular sound, that of footsteps. Why did I know this sound of footsteps so

well? Why did the sound bring with it a sense of foreboding? Before I could

decide whether to pay further attention to the footsteps, the mirror reflected

the owner of the footsteps. My mehendi* filled palms covered my lipstick laden

lips. My kajal* covered eyes froze with a startled look.

How? And more importantly why? After everything that had happened how

did he bring himself to see me? That too now and here. Whatever he was here

for, his timing could not have been worse. Before I could adjust to this startling

turn of events and force meaningful words out of my mouth, I heard a bunch of

older aunties screaming at the top of their voices asking him to get out among

other muffled profanities.

“One second. One second Asha please” cried Anand as the aunties had now

proceeded to more violent means to get rid of Anand from the sacred bridal

room where only women were allowed, however unrelated they were to the

bride.

I stood up and it was as though at that moment I over rode the authority of

everyone in the room. I did not know I could do that. I just wanted to know

why he was here at this hour. I turned to face Anand and raised my eyebrows.

Anand understood this to be his cue to speak up. He shrugged himself off from

the clutches of the silk clad aunties, came closer to me. He came near and

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iyengar

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mehndi

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kohl_%28cosmetics%29


whispered in my ears the reason why he was here today.

My mind drowned the second part of his sentence once it heard the first three

words.”I love you”.


Mr.NoteWriter

A few years before the Wedding:

As I picked up my books from the floor, I noticed a small white piece of paper

fall through from one of the pages of my lab record. I was juggling her books,

the observation, record books, a pouch carrying her various pencils, pens and

everything else that makes up a girl‟s pouch, and at the same time opening the

door of the computer lab. Shockingly enough I ended up dropping almost

everything I was carrying.

Being someone who wrote dozens of notes all the time, I did not bother to open

the note .I just arranged everything in order, took the paper and a second to

decide where the note should go. I then carelessly opened a random page in the

book and stuffed the note in there.

As I got up, I picked up my duppatta that had spent some quality time

romancing the floor, wrapped it around my neck in a way that accentuated my

figure. The duppatta as cumbersome as it maybe could be a valuable accessory,

often beautifying the person wearing it depending on the way it is worn.

Carelessly wrapped around makes the girl look easy and affable, worn a tad

tightly on the neck projects her body just as the way a girl wants it to be. Worn

in properly folded wraps and pinned to her kurta makes a statement “Caution:

Miss Goody Two Shoes Zone”.

I walked to her class room and started packing her books in to her bag

preparing to leave college and catch my bus home. That was when my record

book for the second time carefully slid through the slant table and fell down.

The note as though programmed to fall out every time, popped its head up. I

was exasperated and took the record book from the floor this time noticing the


paper note again. Judging this to be some kind of sign and mostly overcome by

curiosity I opened the note.

“Bus number 23 @ 4:30″

That was the entire note said. I did not quite understand it. It was not even

signed. Not being one for adventure, I tossed the note away, packed the

remainder of my belongings making a mental note to clean my bag and get rid

of the all the trash that I saved for no apparent reason. I walked out of my

classroom and joined the rest of my classmates as they made the ceremonial

walk towards their respective buses home.

“So, the classes were absolutely uninteresting today, I wish we had more time

to just sit and chat” said Brindha as she aimlessly swung her bag back and forth.

“You just explained 5 days of our week; nevertheless, whatever took you so

long Asha. We were both done with our labs much before you were.” asked

Disha.

“Oh well, you know, I ran in to some issues with my code” I replied

immediately repenting making the statement.

“Ahhh! This is why one is to never write their own code, why you can‟t just

write it off from someone else. Who is the guy who sits next to you? Anand?”

“Yes, he does. Ok, you guys wander and make me forget. Guess what? Someone


put some note in my record note.”I said steering clear from the “who-writes-

their-own-code conversation.

“Whoop! Note? What kind of note?” asked Disha with intonations that were

only possible when in college.

“I have no clue; all it said was Bus number 23 at 4:30″ I replied

“Hmmm, well it‟s fairly simple, it‟s some dude from college, probably our class

who wants to meet you. And I am fairly sure it‟s not to offer you his notes for

the exam.” said Disha with an expression that said she was ready to bust in to

giggles at any minute now.

And she did. As she giggled, we went past bus number 23.

“Here is 23, here is 23″ yelled Disha. I nudged her to be silent and told her I had

no intentions of being there.

“But it is 4:25 now, don‟t you want to see who sent the note? Come on Asha,

please, please” begged Disha. To an onlooker it would have seemed that

someone sent her the note

I looked over at Brindha, who was the saner one among usl. Brindha seemed to

think it was not an absolutely unfortunate idea. She said it might even be a

little fun, knowing who writes notes in the digital era. A tad romantic she said.

I thought it was a sad idea. That note was nowhere close to being romantic.

Anyway it was decided that I stay and see who the mystery note writer was.

Disha and Brindha walked over to the adjacent bus and caught a seat so that


they could see me as well as Mr.NoteWriter as he was being referred in our

conversation.

Never had I spent so much time glancing at my watch during a 5 minute time

interval. Whatever this was, I was not comfortable doing it. This meeting could

just be the beginning of complications. The moment this note writer guy shows

up, Brindha and Disha would identify him, and once they do, it‟s a just a

question of time before the rest of the class knew, and then I had to bear

listening to his name being screamed at every time I walked in to the class or

walked in to an area where he would be present. It was social suicide meeting

instant social status, depending on who the guy was. Why did I let myself be

talked in to this? Gosh, this is so stupid, I thought to myself.

There it was, there was hardly a second before the minute hand reached 6 in

my titan watch. I looked around for a minute and was ready to walk back once

I saw that there was no one near the area. I started walking towards the

adjacent bus when I heard someone say

“Asha, one minute”

I turned and almost immediately looked at the adjacent bus where Disha and

Brindha were seated. Disha giggled yet again and Brindha‟s face could not have

been graver.


The Decision

I was furious but I think I managed to do a good job hiding it in front of the

dozen aunties who were present in my room. I knew that each and every pair

of eyes rested on me. It was important that I handled this scenario well, if not I

would be the fodder for the neighborhood gossip until the next big incident

happened. The things that happened till now were scandalous enough to keep

the gossip mongers happy. I composed myself, made sure my voice would

sound dispassionate, cleared my throat and said

“I am getting married today Anand. It is not the right time to indulge in your

jokes.”

“B..But Asha, You...You have to listen to me. We need to talk this through.

There is still time, you don‟t have to do anything you don‟t want to.”

How dare he, I found myself writhing with anger, how dare he come here and

talk to me in front of all these people as though none of them exist. What

makes him think I am doing this without my heart being in it? How audacious?

How could I have ever…? But what was this feeling inside of me? How can he

in his arrogance still know what I am going through? How does he see what I

feel and not what I think? I wondered how can the two were always in conflict.

I decided to overpower my feelings, I had to. They had let me down in the past.

I decided that I would trust my mind over my heart when it came to life

decisions. This way, it was easier to defend them later, when one of them dint

work rather than saying “I had a good feeling about it”. I felt something

chocking me and decided it was introspection. I certainly did not have the

luxury of time when it came to dealing with Anand today, my wedding day.


“It is not in your place to decide what I want or do not want, Anand”

I continued “As you can see, I quite know what I am doing and am happy in

doing so. Now if you will please find your way out, I have a wedding to be in”

I replied moving towards my mirror thus suggesting to Anand that our little

conversation was over.

” I will leave if that is what you truly desire. I know that you don‟t but until

you realize it, there is nothing I can do. One thing Asha, everyone makes

mistakes. Some people though realize it soon enough to make amends. I just

hope you are not in the other category. I will be outside if you need me.”

I did not look at him when he spoke to me. I was fighting a tough battle not to.

With a heavy sigh he walked towards the door, turned back and by some

unknown instinct I turned to look at him. His look said much more than his

words ever did. Maybe it was at that moment that I knew what I had to do. I

made finishing touches to my hair and walked towards the mandap* looking at

the sea of people sitting in front and tried spotting Anand. I did spot him, the

look on his face would be frozen in my memory forever as I sat there with the

thaali* weighing down on my neck. Was it the weight of the gold or the

decision? I would not know then.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Mandap: The raised platform where south Indian wedding ceremonies

generally take place

Thaali: The Tamilian equivalent of a mangal sutra or a ring in the western

cultures that marks the completion of a wedding ceremony


Messenger

I never understood why Disha had to giggle for every tiny little thing. She

would giggle when the professor decided to punish someone in the class. She

would giggle if she saw anyone trip and fall. Though it was a really cute giggle,

her timing was almost always wrong. It is one of those things that is bound to

make people mad. And Brindha was mad, really mad. I was not sure whom

Brindha was mad at. Was it Disha? With her misplaced sense of giggling

instinct? Or me for being in the unfortunate scene at the bus stop? Or Shravan

for being the betrayer, in her mind that is.

Brindha had always had a soft corner for Shravan. What started out to be a soft

corner soon became full fledged adulation. Though she would never admit it, it

was clear she liked him. Somehow she would never let Disha or I approach the

subject. Her personal life was always out of limits to everyone.

The moment I saw Shravan calling out my name, I found my eyes go straight to

the window where Brindha was and caught her eyes. I saw in them a glint of

anger and a lot of embarrassment. She avoided looking at Disha lest she should

get the giggling bug and looked back at Shravan. My nervousness about

Brindha‟s anger made me drown out most of Shravan‟s words .My fingers were

vigorously playing with the duppatta‟s tussles wishing that the encounter

would soon end and I could go and explain it all to my best friend. The one

time the duppattas are actually useful.

“Can you please say something Asha? Please? ” Asked Shravan

“Uh-hmm. This is all too sudden isn‟t it? I mean...” I replied hoping Shravan


would see how inappropriate the whole scene was and just leave. But how

would he know? I wasn‟t sure myself what this situation really was except that

my best friend probably did not like me very much at this instant.

“Ohhkkay, I‟ll think about this and let you know. See ya” I turned before I

could hear the sentence finish.

“Wait. Wait a minute. Here is the number. Maybe you should call. Things

would be so much easier.” Shravan said and handed out the piece of paper to

me. I could see his hands trembling and realized that this was not easy for him

either. I grabbed the paper and fastened my steps to the bus. As I looked at the

piece of paper, I turned around to look at Shravan, and saw him glancing at the

same spot I had been looking just a while ago. Things made much more sense to

me now.

Much much more and I heaved a huge sigh of relief.


The Decision that made me

I spent greater part of the final moments leading up to my wedding thinking.

Thinking if I should let Anand take back everything he did and give him

another chance. The more I thought about it, the more it all came back to me.

The circumstances did not help me much. Dozens and dozens of people had

assembled there, because I had said yes to the wedding. No one had forced me,

not my parents, not my relatives, I had said yes, on my own accord, because I

felt the need to move on. I could not just leave my own wedding because I had

a sudden change of heart. I did not know if I could just let the past go and make

a sorry overwrite everything. Things were not so easy were they? And why did

it have to be so last minute? Why couldn‟t he have come earlier? Why not the

day before, why not the week before, why not a month before? Why today?

I wondered if he had waited until the last minute to see how he felt. Maybe it

just dawned on him that he needed me. What if it was just an impulse thing?

What if he had not thought it through? There were just too many unanswered

questions and for him to show up at a time when there was simply no

opportunity to talk and explain himself was just … just like him.

I tried playing Anand‟s defense in my mind. What would he have said?

“But I did Asha. I did make an attempt to talk to you before your wedding. You

turned a deaf ear”

Yes, he did, through Shravan. Yet again. Why was it always through someone

else? Why could he not talk to me directly? He always had someone to do his

dirty work for him. It might have worked once but I was just sick of it.

Everything that was wrong about Anand, about us, seemed to be hitting me at


that moment, I wasn‟t sure if I was being objective at that instant. There were

certainly good things about Anand, which is what made me fall for him in the

first place .However none of those came to me now. If all I can feel is anger

when I think of Anand, I wasn‟t sure if I should be with him?

Why, Oh! why couldn‟t he have mustered up courage to come up to me and

explain. Why did things have to be so sour? Why do I have to make this

decision now, at this moment, with a hundred eyes are looking at me and

waiting for the ceremony to get over.

I then decided to postpone thinking to until after when there could be no

thinking. I simply couldn‟t do it, make a life altering decision in a few minutes.

Both routes in my fork were life altering. I had already made the one decision

to stay here, and I wasn‟t sure if I could make another to walk away. I just

wanted the few minutes to fly past me, so that all I have is an inevitable

situation and I can blame everything on it, the situation, and the circumstances.

I wanted to be a coward at this instant and procrastinate my decision.

A moment before the thali descended on my turmeric laden neck, I was

nauseous, I did not know if I could stand going through it, not knowing if I was

making the biggest mistake of my life, regretting postponing the decision, I

wanted to get off from there, screaming and running away from the ceremony,

away from my parents, away from the person I was marrying, away from the

zillion people I neither knew or cared about. The next second, I looked up and

saw his lips part in to a smile. A smile that somehow told me everything would

be fine or at least tried to.

I did not know then how things would change from that moment on.


Beginnings

I boarded the bus and went straight to where Disha and Brindha were sitting.

For once Disha was not giggling and had her serious face on. If Disha

understood a moment like that, it was definitely a serious one.

“Brindha… Before you.....” I started

“Good Asha, now we know who the secret note writer is. What did Shravan

say? Did he own up to it?” asked Brindha trying to be as unaffected as possible.

Unfortunately for her, her facade was way too obvious. At least to me. Disha

was looking at her gaping as much as she could

“What do you mean Brindha? You are okay with this?”

“Okay with what? Why would I have any problem with any of this? If Shravan

likes Asha, he likes Asha. Where do I come in the picture?” said Brindha

defiantly looking at Disha and then looking back at me, trying to fight back

little drops of tears.

“You come in the picture because he doesn‟t like me. At least not that way. And

it is clear as crystal that he does like you and oh by the way, it has been clear

from time immemorial for us, that you like him. Stop being so stoic about

everything Brindha. You can tell us how you feel. In fact you don‟t even have

to tell us, we know how you feel, just stop denying the obvious.” I said not

realizing where all of that came from. I was not planning to say anything let

alone go on a rampage.


“Well... It... It is just that... I am not good with it. Talking about how I feel etc...

I mean, I knew you knew about it. So I dint see the need to talk about it. I

mean... I don‟t know…” dragged Brindha clearly being uncomfortable.

“Ahhh, there there, it‟s ok now. It took Shravan to give a love note to Asha for

you to accept your feelings for him. You would think there would be a more

straight forward way for accomplishing this huh.” said Disha with her eyes

twinkling.

“You would think” I said winking.

Brindha looked up to me with her eye brows raised. I knew she wanted me to

tell her what was in the note. But as it was the day of Brindha breaking her

long hard shell, I decided to give her a hard time.

“Ask me. Whatever you want to know, Ask me”

“All right” Brindha took in a deep breath and said

“Asha, what did Shravan want from you? What was in that note he gave you?”

“Good for you. Well he did give me a note. The note has a phone number and

the number is of the secret note writer.”

“And….” Disha continued anxiety written all over her tone.


“Oh, and it is not Shravan”

“Oh come on, we know that…. Who is it?” Disha said the final „it with a ring to

it that seemed to increase with her anticipation

“And...He wants me to call him today”

“Tell us who it is already…” demanded Brindha

“Anand”

“What? Are you sure?” asked Disha in disbelief

“How many ways can you read A-n-a-n-d? I am sure”

“Are you going to call him” Brindha intervened

“I don‟t know, I am not sure I like this whole man in the middle business. Why

could he not have come on his own?”

“Oh you know boys.” said Disha giggling.

“No actually I don‟t know. Why don‟t you tell me?” I asked her mad at her for

giggling at something that I did not think was very funny.


“Oh nothing I mean, it‟s just that they do these things you know. You should

call him. I mean give him a chance, hear him out” said Disha looking at me

earnestly.

I looked at Brindha and asked her what she thought I should do.

“Normally I would say ignore. But today in the spirit of being more open

minded, give him a call, hear him out. Besides we never listen to Disha”

Brindha said imitating Disha‟s giggling

“All right. Let us see how this goes” I told them as the bus started its long and

boring journey.

That evening, I dialed the number on the small piece of paper from our home

number.

I did not know then how things would change from that moment on.


Reunion

Life in a new house was not a child's play. Not with three pairs of eyes always

aware of your every move. Not because they are judgmental, but because it is

new to them as well. I was determined to give it my best shot. I remembered

what he told me that I was sweet just by being me and that I wouldn‟t have to

try hard to win anyone over. There was something about the way in which he

said it, that made the mountains I had perceived the problems to be, crumbling

to dust.

Right from the moment, he touched my neckline when attempting to tie the

sacred knot, I found that he had a calming effect on me. It convinced my mind

of my decisions. It was as though I had made up my mind, but needed that one

reassuring nudge to make sure I made the right choice. As I looked up to his

smiling face and turned to look at where Anand had sat, I felt a great burden lift

off my chest.

I have something else to look forward to today. I was meeting Brindha and

Disha, both of whom were not able to attend the wedding. I was seeing them

after a whole year, and I couldn‟t wait to talk to them about everything. More

comfort was coming my way today and I was more than thankful for it.

As I wait in the coffee shop, fiddling with my cold coffee, I look at the door

more often than I should. I then realize I needed whipped cream on my cold

coffee and got up to go to the counter when I heard my name

"Ashaaaaaaaa" followed by a giggle

Without turning my back I knew who it was. I turned only to see her running


towards me. We hugged and then I looked at her to say

"Some things never change Disha. How are you? And don‟t for a minute think I

am not mad at you for not attending my wedding. I am. Terribly Mad." I said

half smiling. I would not believe me, if I were Disha.

"Aww! I know right. What life? Missing out such important events “said Disha,

the same old chirpy Disha. It was nice to see that some people don‟t change

much, I could really appreciate that going through a lot of change myself.

"Is Brindha coming, its half past 4 already" I said looking at my watch

"Oh, she is. She is probably stuck in traffic or something. So tell me, how are

you? How is THE husband? How are THE in-laws? Oh, please tell me" asked

Disha, with her eyes twinkling. It would be hard for an outsider to believe she

was 25. She was still the same 17 year old girl I knew at college.

"Oh well, they are all good. Really nice people. I have no...Oh look who is here"

I saw Brindha walking in to the room. She came up to me, hugged me tight, a

moment more than usual and turned to greet Disha as well.

"How are you? What took you so long" I asked

"You'll know. Anyways how are you? How‟s everything?"

"Aah! I just answered that" I continued to tell them all about my new husband,

the in laws house, how I was adapting, how the change was at times over

whelming and how I found myself acclimating to changes better than I

expected.


"And… are you ok? I mean I heard what happened at the wedding" asked

Brindha. I looked up at her and then at Disha. Disha had a serious look on her

face. I knew they asked because they cared. I haven‟t talked to anyone about it.

I knew I had to, and I could now. It did not feel all that hard anymore.

"Oh you mean, Who happened" I said

"Yes"

"Well, what can I say, he turned up at the last minute, just like he always had

and told me we were meant to be together. He told me that I should not go

ahead with the wedding. He told me to leave the wedding, my wedding and go

away with him" I said and sipped my cold coffee. Somehow it wasn‟t as easy as I

had anticipated. The careless exterior I was trying to project was not so careless.

I could feel myself getting hot and bothered

"And...” asked Disha.

"And I ran away with him. Of course not. Don‟t you see me here, married to

Rakesh. Happily, if I may add. For the first time, my life is rid of confusion and

I am enjoying it, I tell you"

"Are you really Asha?" asked Brindha. It was just like her to ask me something

like that. Always making sure I knew what I was saying.

"Of course I am. Why are you guys not with me on this one. Why do I sense

disapproval" I asked looking at Disha and Brindha.

"It is not like what you think Asha. It isn‟t disapproval at all. We just want to

make sure you know you did the right thing and are happy. We know about


Anand as much as you do. You know how you guys were. Every time we

thought you guys were done, you would get back together, much against our

wishes. At one point we just accepted it for what it was and thought maybe it

was one of those dysfunctional yet in a queer way working relationship. But

now there is no question of being on again Asha. Or… is there?" She asked me

knowing very well what she was accusing me of.

"Is this a joke Brindha? Did you come here to ask me if I was going to ditch my

husband and go away with Anand? If you did, this conversation is over" I said

turning to my coffee with more interest than it was used to.

"No Asha. I am not accusing you. I just want to make sure you have thought

through everything and nothing was going to change your mind. “said Brindha

looking at Disha and then at me.

"Why now? Why would you ask me all these now Brindha? Just when I have

made my peace and happy to have moved on. Your timing could not have

sucked more. Why now?” I asked and as I did I took my purse and got to the

door. I was done with this meeting. I was too mad to talk to them now. I was

just ready to start my two wheeler when I saw him.

I turned to look at Brindha and I knew why. Why she had brought up the

conversation. I continued to be amazed at how good she was.


Love struck

Anand and I spoke for 2 hours that day. I don‟t how it happened but all I

remember was calling him. Since then it felt like a breeze. I don‟t know where

we started and why we talked about all those topics. When I thought about the

conversation, after we had finished talking, it felt stupid, even juvenile. But fun

nevertheless. I felt a certain excitement after I spoke to him. I couldn‟t sit at

one place, I kept pacing up our hallway, I was happier than my regular

evenings.

The next day, Disha and Brindha got hold of me in the canteen during breakfast

and wanted me to dish all the details. I couldn‟t stop the smile and the ensuing

blush on my cheeks. I hated it, couldn‟t help it though. I told them the

conversation in detail, as Disha would not have the condensed version. She

wanted every tidbit, she even wanted to know if I said yes, or ya.

"What difference does it make Disha?" I asked impatiently.

"Oh! It does, it does. „Yes‟, is assertive, confident and if overused can be

misinterpreted for being prim and proper. „Ya‟ can be cool, fun and flirty but

when over used could be perceived as flippant. So you want to use the right mix

of „Yes‟ and „Ya‟" she said without taking a break. Brindha and I looked at her

wondering how we had found her, or she us.

"You are one work of art, I tell you" I told her and then continued my story

when I suddenly remembered something

"Wait a minute, what happened yesterday with You and Shravan. Did he call

you? Did you call him? How can you not tell us?" I howled as I realized the

other big story from yesterday.


"Oh Gosh! You already know whatever there is to know. Anyways finish your

story. And then I will tell mine. What about you Disha?" asked Brindha with a

wink

"Oh ya, very funny. Just because both of you decide to hook up on the same

day, now I have to have a story too. Whatever" she said turning her attention to

her half baked idlis.

"Oh come on, I was pulling your leg" said Brindha. She then turned to me and

nudged me "Hmmm go on"

I told them about the remainder of my phone call with Anand. Once I was

done, Disha then told me

"So clearly he likes you"

"Wait. How do you know that?" I asked Disha

"Seriously Asha, stop acting like that. The guy writes you a note for godsake. I

am yet to hear of a guy who writes a note wishing for a perfectly platonic

relationship with a girl. The chances are hell will freeze over before that" Disha

said almost admonishing me for wanting to indulge in a little ego trip

Brindha laughed and turned towards me "I agree with Disha. Also Shravan tells

me Anand definitely has the hots for you"

"Can we please not use that term? Ok he likes me. Good, whatever, can we go

to class now? We are late"

"Not so fast" said Disha "Why the sudden concern about being late to class.


When have we ever been there on time? The important question is Do you?"

"Do I....what?" I waited for Disha to complete the sentence

"Whoof. Do you like him?" she asked

"Well, I don‟t know. I mean he is really funny and sweet and everything. But I

don‟t know. Isn‟t that like a really big decision?" I asked them

"What is there to decide, you either like him or not. It‟s more like you know it

than you decide it" said Disha

Brindha looked at me, raising her eyebrows and pursing her lips, meaning she

has had enough of my dillydallying.

"All right, all right I think I do, Fine, happy?" I said not realizing my smile just

went from a normal one to the beaming zone. In an attempt to divert the

attention from me, I turned around to Brindha and asked

"So what about you guys? Do you like Shravan"

"Duh? Of course I do. I told you that in the bus yesterday. I have always liked

him and him me. So there's that."

The rest of the day in college was as uneventful as it could be. I met Anand a

couple of times and each time, it felt like I was seeing him for the first time. We

kept asking each other the same questions and never once gave the same

answers. It was all fun and nice in a wonderfully weird way. I wished this

would go on forever.


Questions and more

Forever was until college ended and we had to move on to the real life. One

where you dint have anyone to guide you at every step along the way. Brindha,

Shravan and Disha went to USA to pursue their graduate studies while Anand

and I took the jobs we were offered in Software Firms.

How easy relationships are as long as you spend every free moment you have

with one other? No insecurities to worry about. Having all the time for one

another was just so wonderful. But real life as we soon found out was as distant

as it could be from college life. There were no lunch breaks when we could

hang out, we could not bunk work like we did in college to talk endlessly. We

found that we no longer shared every tiny little detail starting from what we

had for breakfast to how many helpings of coffee we had. While I got used to

the new scenario quickly, Anand struggled. What was worse was we found

pseudo Anand‟s and Asha‟s as friends soon. We made friends with whom we

would spend a large part of our work day. While I was ok with pseudo Asha,

Anand was not. At first I found the jealousy to be cute, but as time grew, I

realized that there was nothing cute about it.

I did not like Anand wanting to know where I was at every waking moment

and more so whom I was with. It was not the fact that he wanted to know

where I was, whatever answer I gave him, he was mad about it. He didn‟t like it

if I went out with my colleagues, he did not like if I worked late, he did not like

it when someone else dropped me back home. Suffice to say, he did not like

anything I did which did not involve him. There were probably many ways in

which we could have handled these issues, but we did not. Unfortunately the

first reaction to anything we do not like is anger. And anger in none of its

manifestations ever brings any good.


I tried to deal with Anand's crazy jealousy and I am sure he tried to work on it

too, but it just reached a stage when we both felt relieved when we did not

speak one day. Soon I had learnt to live life without him and found that it was

surprisingly easy, not impossible like we had told one another a few years back.

It was definitely better than spending every minute I get to talk to him fighting

about why I let a colleague drop me back home the previous night. It just

reached a stage where I realized this was not working .I brought the subject up,

and surprisingly, he was the one who was more than accepting. It was almost

like he would have told me the same thing if I had not.

It was weird. But we said our goodbyes. A part of me did not want to. It wanted

to see if we could work through our troubles. After all it was Anand. We had

shared so many things, been through so many high's and low's. But I did not

say anything and neither did he. He was never the one to take a first step,

especially when it came to mending things.

I had moved on, or so I believed. It was tough at first to get used to not talking

to him and not meeting him every day, but I guess the greatest thing about time

is it lets you adjust and helps you forget. I guess I did that. Brindha and Disha

though many many miles away were pillars of strength.

I was going through a very weird patch. Though I knew we could not be

together and was relieved that we did not have to go endure what we did for

the past few months, in a way it irritated me. I could not help wonder why the

amazing rapport we shared, the love that we thought we had for one another

all of a sudden vanish. The self prosecution would not end. It did me no good. It

drove me at times to the point where I would dial his number to call him. But

then I would stop myself. Brindha told me not to, ever. She said time would

heal; it always did, if we restrain ourselves. She said calling him again would

not bring any good. It would only confuse me, it would not clarify any


questions, only raise more. She said so many things that made perfect sense. I

thought about all those wise things as I dialed his number

"Hi"

There was a long pause following that.

"Hi... A…Asha?"

"Yes, how are you? Hope you are doing well" I said with an air of assumed

calmness

"Why, yes I am. How about you? Is the new team working well for you?"

After a few minutes of forced small talk, and after realizing Anand would never

make a move, I asked him

"Do you miss me?" And as I did that I thought of what Brindha would say

"Are you stupid?" she would say "This has got to be the dumbest thing you have

ever done. What do you expect him to say? Which answer would serve you

better? If he says no, you are going to feel miserable, if he says yes, you are

going to be confused. Why would you do that?" As Brindha finished saying

those lines in my mind, I could sense Anand struggling for words, the pause

was too long, too long for it to be a favorable one. And then he did what I did

not anticipate

"Do you Asha?"

I did not expect that. I could see Brindha do an I-can‟t-believe-you-called-him-


nod as I said

"I don‟t know, maybe I do. "

"Is there anything you want to ask Asha?"

"I...I am not sure. Do you think we did the right thing? I know things did not

go well. But I never knew how you felt. I am not sure if I was the reason things

went sore. I don‟t know. I just wanted to know."

Again I knew in my mind that these were questions were set up to cause heart

break. What did I expect to come out of these questions anyways? Even if

Anand said everything I wanted him to say, I am not sure if I wanted us to get

back together. This exercise in futile frustrated me. More so because I was doing

what I knew was bad for me.

"I think it was both of us Asha."

There he said it, so typical of him. To say something like that and not explain it.

I was not sure what that was, a statement that is supposed to be factually rich or

something to say while he thinks what to say next. But all I heard was pause,

much longer than the ones before.

"All right. I guess this was a bad idea. See you Anand"

I said, giving him one more opportunity to say anything if he wanted to.

"Good bye Asha" he said after another one of his customary pauses.

"Are you joking?" I could hear Brindha‟s voice raise in decibels even on an


international phone call.

"Funny, that is exactly what you said in my mind too" I replied trying to dowse

my situation with a riposte.

"Not funny Asha. You know I told you..."

"I know Brindha, I know it was stupid, please do not do an "I told you so" on

me now. You have all the right to, but please don‟t" I said. Brindha spoke about

a few other things in general, about school in America and how she loved it,etc

The night was long, more so cause of my confusion than anything. It had been

weird talking to Anand. A small part of me did want to get back together with

Anand, I ceded to that thought. A part that hoped we could still go back to

what we were. Did he not feel that at all? With more than a dozen thoughts

battling in my mind, I finally fell asleep.


Back and Forth

Time as they say is truly a great healer. Between work, home, friends, Brindha

and Disha, I finally got out of my confusion; at least buried it deep inside that it

did not show its ugly face to me once again. Anand helped too, by not calling or

getting in touch.

It all changed when one day I received a call from Shravan. Now Shravan and I

are friends but not nearly as good friends that Shravan would make an

international call. Also we always talk when Brindha calls me. So this phone

call from Shravan was certainly eyebrow raise worthy.

"Hi Asha... Shravan here"

"Hey Shravan, everything ok? Is Brindha fine?" I asked my mind immediately

going to her

"Oh, yes she is great. She is in class right now. Listen there is something I need

to talk to you about" said Shravan

For some reason, my mind went back to the first time, Shravan did this, in the

bus stand, that made Brindha go red with jealousy.

"Yes, Shravan"

"Anand called me yesterday..." He paused

I did not want to be in this conversation already. Whatever was next could not

be good.


"mmmmm..."

"He is miserable Asha. He really misses you. He thinks it was his biggest

mistake letting you go. Do you think you guys can put things behind you and

bury the past, start afresh and stuff?"

I had a zillion questions to ask and realized that Shravan was not the one with

all the answers.

"Why dint he call me Shravan, I would think it is easier for him to walk down

to my office than make an international phone call" I said

"I.. I don‟t know Asha. All I know is the bloke is terribly upset and dejected. It

would do him a world of good to be with you. I know he repents it, he told me

himself"

"Is that what he asked you to tell me?" I asked unwilling to let go of that.

"Asha.. Can‟t you let bygones be bygones? I know he is willing to change, cant

you?"

I could not believe I was being lectured by someone who does not have the first

clue about what happened between us. Or maybe he did. I did not know and I

did not care. I did not like the fact that another person was giving me

relationship advice. It felt as though he was judging me. In all fairness, he

probably was not, but I couldn‟t take it. I felt like Anand had just taken a huge

leap in to being an idiot. Why did he have to talk to someone else about our

problems? Why was it so hard for him to talk to me? I spoke to him, I called

him. I made myself look like an ass.Dint I?


"I‟ll handle it Shravan" I said as I put the receiver down banging it a little

harder than necessary. I dint know why I was mad at Shravan for. He was just

the messenger.

I thought long and hard about what Shravan had said, about what I had told

Anand in our previous call, what Anand had said or rather not said. I decided to

call him. I thought it would be better if I waited until morning to call him so

that things would be clearer in my mind. Impatience caught the better of me.

"Hiii" I heard him say. His voice had this relief in it. It was almost as though he

had been waiting for my call all day. I could feel his breathing become normal

from anxious. For some reason, it made me feel good.

"Hii. Shravan called me a while back." I said not knowing what else to say

"Yes, I asked him to"

"But why? Why can‟t you talk to me, Why bring another person amidst all the

existing mess" I asked him wondering what possible reply did he have for

everything

" I love you Asha, I don‟t know what happened between us, maybe it was me,

maybe it was you, maybe it was neither of us, but none of it changes the fact

that I love you. I don‟t want to apart. I don‟t want to be separated. The past few

months have been horrid. Please…" I heard him choke and something about his

voice, his vulnerability made me feel sorry. It might not be the reaction he was

hoping for. But that is how I felt. I did not know what to say next. I truly felt

for him. I wasn‟t sure if I was in love with him. I had missed him too. The past

few months, though liberating had an hollow about it. An inexplicable void.

Maybe it was Anand that was missing. I did not know for sure,


"Don‟t do it" I heard Brindha‟s ever sensible words in my ears. I could not help

but drowning that voice.

"Ok, let us give this another chance" I heard myself saying.


Mind Games

If I was shocked, I did a good job of hiding it. I looked at Brindha, and she gave

me a calm and reassuring look. Disha on the other hand seemed rather shocked.

I took a moment to compose myself and started my scooter once again. This

time before I could move away, he came closer to me and stood on my way

"What? What is it now?" I said with exasperation written all over my face.

"It still isn‟t late Asha" I heard him say with the same tone that he had on my

wedding.

"Late for what?"

"You know what"

"As it turns out, I do not know. I have no idea, what kind of crazy ideas are

running through your mind. Let me tell you something, I am content with my

current situation. My life for the first time in a long time is devoid of confusion,

and back and forth. So save yourself the trouble and leave me alone?"

"You said content...."

"Huh?"

"Why did you say content" He asked me as though he had stumbled upon

something great.

"Oh, don‟t even start"

"Why shouldn‟t I? Are you happy Asha? The last time I checked that was what


everyone was after. Happiness. Content I am sure came much below."

He said looking at me as though he was feeling sorry for me.

"Really? Smugness? You think that is going to win me over?"

"Why did you go ahead with it Asha? Even after I came and tried to change

your mind? How come you never gave me a chance?"

"I am sorry. Give you a chance? The last 6 years were giving you a chance. All

the back and forth every time was giving you a chance. It was alwasys

something or the other. I am sick of being confused Anand. I am sick."

"So you rather stay not confused and stick with a wrong decision?"

I hated him more than anything at that moment. It was just like him to think

he knew all about what I wanted and to make these decisions for me.

"No I rather stay unconfused and in a stable relationship which to me is an

important first step for happiness"

"Asha... Please...Please... Think about it...It is you and me. We can never be

over. How can it be? Think of all the wonderful times, how can we be done?

We cannot be a mistake, it does not seem natural. After everything we have

been through, after all the effort that has gone in to us, how can it be? How can

this be the end? Was it all for nothing?"

I could not understand what the look on his face meant at that moment. I hated

him for showing up and planting the seeds of confusion again. I looked at

Brindha and Disha as I started my scooter, turned to look at Anand and said

"Tomorrow 4 PM, here"


The Second Time Around

This time things seemed different. Anand was no longer being the crazy jealous

boyfriend, and I tried my best to spend as much time with him as possible. It

was as though the time apart had made us realize and work on each of our

needs. It definitely felt like we had grown up more, and the relationship much

more than before.

Brindha wasn‟t happy though. I dint know how Disha felt cause she rarely

commented on my relationships. Disha was always there supporting my every

move. She very rarely said what she thought about any situation. She had very

strong notions on boundaries. She was very territorial. I did not mind Disha not

being very vocal about what she thought. Brindha was doing enough talking for

both of them. She said it was stupid of us to get back together. She said I needed

stability in my relationships and this was not helping at all. She even stayed

mad at Shravan for a while for attempting to get us back together.

Sometimes I envy Brindha. How easy it must be to be like her. She has these

strong notions of right and wrong. She looks at everything practically.

Everything was always grouped in to two categories, what would work and

what wouldn‟t. What she wanted and what she thought she could have almost

always merged. I wonder how she did that, but she always did. It would be

wonderful to lead a life where you want what you think you can have. Think

about reducing your heart aches to the lowest possible factor.

However much I envy Brindha, I am not her. I realized that the sooner I

accepted who I was, the better I can make decisions for myself. I concurred

with Brindha, the second time I took the splurge, it was more out of not being

in a relationship than well love. But the more time and effort I put in this

relationship I felt that it was in a right place. We were doing really well for one

another. Even our parents liked us both. Things were going very well. Until of


course the second round of separation happened. This time, it was work related

travel.

Distance never worked for us. It did not this time as well. Initially it did, I was

proud of it too. I even told Brindha that. Brindha by now had given up on

changing my mind. I don‟t blame her. Over the years I feel I have ignored

every one of her good suggestions. Anand was in London, it was a great

opportunity for him career wise and we decided it was best that he go. He did.

We struggled.

It was the same song and dance, Except that this time it was a little more

serious. I would never accuse Anand of infidelity, At least not in the real

meaning of the word. But in a way I did feel sidelined. His new friend(s)

somehow seemed to be much more important to him than me. Emotionally,

maybe he was being infidel. Everyday calls became three days once call, and

then weekly once call. Sometime not even that. So much that when we spoke at

times, it felt like we were strangers. The things that I thought I should tell him,

somehow don‟t seem that important cause a whole 2 weeks would have passed

since. So much that when he told me it was not going anywhere, I was not

shocked but definitely upset.

Breakups apart from being hard play with your mind. They make you feel

vulnerable. They bring up a psycho analysis phase those questions all of your

qualities. You wonder if you will ever end up with someone who will like you

for what you are. It is a never-ending spiral of self questioning. Fortunately

since it was the second time around, I was better prepared. For one, I decided I

shall listen to Brindha.

The ever practical, the ever dependable, the grounded Brindha. And it was

probably the best decision ever.


One decision to rule them all

I drove home amidst the crowded roads of TNager. I thought about what

Anand had said the whole time. It was his audacity that bugged me. He

assumed that I was unhappy; he assumed that my life would not be complete

without him. He assumed that he was such an integral part of my life. He was

right. He had been.

I thought about Brindha and Disha too. How did Brindha agree to bring Anand

to meet me? If there was anyone who had always questioned Anand and me

being together it was her. Every time we broke up, she told me it was a good

things and every time we patched up, she was not happy about it. Why would

she ever do that? Especially now, when I have done what she has been asking

me to do for ages. Make a choice and give it all you have.

Then it struck me.

Brindha called me as soon as I reached home.

"Hey! I did not mean to upset you"

"I know."

"I just thought it would be better if we..." she stopped as though scourging for

words.

"I know Brindha"

"So what did he say?"


"He told me I should go away with him"

"Hmmm. I expected that."

"And that what am I am doing is a mistake"

"SO?" asked Brindha. I could see her waiting for my reply with anticipation.

"I am meeting him tomorrow at 4 in the same place"

"What? Are you sure you want to do that?" I could sense disappointment in her

voice.

"Yes, I am"

"After everything Asha? After all those years and everything you have been

through. You are going to meet him again?" She did not say more, I sensed that

she had once in for all given up on me. Her voice of reason she figured had no

effect on me after all these years too.

"I have to say goodbye Brindha, Can you guys be there too?" I said as though

she never made that last plea.

"All right" she replied with the phone slamming down faster than she finished

her sentence.

I slept peacefully that night. Though the day gave me enough fodder for getting

confused and muddled up all over, I slept peacefully. I was learning. Anand did

make some sense. He did have a point. Tomorrow was going to be a new day. A

new day with newer beginnings. And end to all prior mistakes. I slept like a


baby.

It was 4PM and I was already at the coffee shop waiting for him. The past few

days have been a revelation. It has shown me a glimpse of a life where one's

mind is clear and content. Something that I had forgotten. It is amazing what a

decision can do to you. While you have no idea whether the decision is going

to pan out in the long run, it somehow felt right. I had always let Anand

question me and my thoughts, and in turn question myself. Too much

introspection often leads to insecurity, as I found out for myself.

As I immersed myself amidst all these nice and not so nice thoughts, I saw

Anand walk in to the coffee shop. His smile reached his eyes. He always had a

good smile. The kind that was infectious, the kind that could make you swoon.

Out of the corner of my eye, I also got a glimpse of Brindha and Disha. Now

them, I did not expect to see so soon.

"I can‟t think of them now" I told myself and focused on Anand. I have to do

what I came here to do. I can‟t let them distract or change my mind.

Half hour and detailed discussions later, we went out to our bikes. Brindha's

face was rife with disappointment.

"You are wrong this time Brindha" I thought to myself. For once I knew I was

right, contrary to everything Brindha might say, I did the right thing this time.

As the sound of the bike starting faded away, I saw the surprise in Brindha's

expression turn in to a brilliant smile.

"By Jove! I for a moment thought...”


"That I would go with him again."

"I did. I am sorry but you know how you guys were. I really thought you

would" she said, her relief being more obvious than before.

"What happened?" Disha asked me earnestly

"You know how I hate getting the check right?" I asked her back with as much

fake earnestness as I could muster.

'Oh, come on Asha" Disha replied with her customary giggle.

"Well, you can do some mistakes only so many times. Anand always asked me

to come with him because he believed we would be right together. Because he

said he loved me. It would have been enough, had I felt the same way too. I did

not. When I met him that day at my wedding, for the first time I felt scared.

Scared of what life would be if I had to be with him. For some reason, which I

can only thank, all the things that had gone wrong flashed in front of my eyes

and I did not feel the love that could make me overlook those wrongs. I know I

wasn‟t in love with Rakesh as yet however I saw hope there. You know

something is not bright when you are scared of a future with someone. So...” I

raised my eyebrows as I looked at Disha and Brindha " .. That is why I did not

agree to go with him"

"But why all this then... Why dint you tell him that yesterday? I really thought

you would, which is why I brought him along. Really!" asked Brindha

"Well, you know Anand. If I reject anything outright, he tends to think, I

haven‟t thought it through. He takes it upon himself to convince me more. That

was the last thing I wanted. I wanted to put an end to this. I have no intention


of being dragged to a coffee place after another discussing a "what could have

been" situation with him. So I told him I'll think about it. There was nothing to

think about it really. I am happy where I am. It‟s a life that I am beginning to

really enjoy, and I see myself being happy. So all I had to do was tell him, I

thought long and hard and that I made my peace with where I am and so

should he. And that's that."

"Well, you could have told me you know!"

"Ahhh! Where would the fun in that be Brindha" I said as I smiled and hugged

them both.

"If..." I stopped and continued "If not for you two.. I do not know how things

would have turned out" I said while still in the embrace.

"Aah. If...How happy we are that it isn‟t so!" said Disha giggling away.

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Documents

Of If's and But's