When Fighting About Money Is Tearing You Apart

It's no secret that money is one of the top reasons for divorce. And this takes many shapes, including cases where:

1. A couple simply doesn't agree on saving vs. spending.

2. One spouse is feeding a secret (or not-so-secret) shopping addiction.

3. One or both partners bring an untenable level of debt into the marriage.

4. One spouse becomes resentful about the standard of living they can afford.

5. One partner wants to stick to a strict budget, including an "allowance" for disposable income; the other doesn't want to be on what they feel is a penny-pinching budget.

6. A serious emergency comes up that depletes a couple's savings.

7. One spouse wants to combine finances and one wanting to maintain a complete separation of all money matters.

8. You try to "keep up with the Jones’s" (or simply take out all the stops during the holiday season) and spend much more than you should. You might even go into your emergency funds or kids' college funds, with or without your spouse's awareness or consent.

Having seen all of the above scenarios in my office, there's one thing I know about money and marriage. Whatever the reason, conflict about money can create tremendous stress on a marriage.

Let's take a look at some things you can do - today - to lessen the stress on your marriage due to arguments about money.

1. Define What Money Means to You

Do some soul-searching about what money really means to you. By this, I don't mean simply can it give you the freedom to pay bills or buy the things you want. I mean, what kind of core emotions come up for you when you think about money . . . and not having it. Does it make you feel angry? Insecure? Less than? Go back to your earliest memories having to do with money and see if there's not a clue there about where your money beliefs came from and why you are not seeing eye to eye with your spouse on the topic. Ask to hear their stories in return and see what you learn.

2. See A Certified Financial Planner

Talk to a pro. Make a complimentary appointment with a certified financial advisor and ask for their help. You may think of this as one more expense but there may be ways of building the cost into the growth of your funds. If this isn't an option, research low-cost opportunities in your area like credit councils or occasional educational events at your local bank. No need to continue fighting over money when you can have a professional put you on a financial plan.

3. Get Advice from Friends

Ask your friends for advice. It may be humbling to admit what is going on in your marriage, but chances are good that your bosom buddies have been through something similar and will

be of help to you. Remember that observing what NOT to do is just as important - if not more so - as learning what TO do in these situations.

4. Find Ways to Cut Back on Your Spending

If living month-to-month is the issue, take a good look at your own expenses and make a list of things you can trim temporarily. I know it's a challenge to imagine life without cable and Prime, but visit your local library and you’ll likely find a treasure trove of DVD's, games and music that you could take advantage of. And you might actually find that you enjoy life without all the distractions. This should lessen the need with fighting over money between you and your mate.

(If you believe you spouse is spending secretly, check out my prior article; FINANCIAL INFIDELITY: What to do if your spouse is breaking the bank)

5. Identify Financial Goals to Lessen Fighting Over Money

Take some time to meet with each other weekly, monthly or whatever frequency you choose. This will lower the stress with fighting over money. Make sure to commit to these meetings and avoid distractions. Decide what goals you both have financially? For example, are you budgeting and saving to purchase a bigger home, to retire early, to create a 12-month emergency fund and more? Also, keep in mind, changes in financial goals can happen over time, and that’s o.k. Avoid forgetting to tell your spouse about financial changes in your plan to keep from fighting over money down the road as well.

6. How Would You Want Your Spouse to Treat You Financially

This is a question that a lot of couples forget to ask themselves when they are married. Would you want your spouse to harass and spy on every action you make, especially with you finances? There is nothing worse than feeling limited with purchases and having to defend every cent you spend with your money. To avoid fighting over money for every penny spent, it is recommended that you both create a separate account and title it “fun account.” This will allow you both to have a certain amount of money you can use for whatever you need to spend money on for yourself and not have to report it back to your spouse.

7. Avoid Doing Unreasonable Actions to Trim Your Money

Stay away from extreme behaviors to budget for money. If you start early with your financial goals and stick to the plan, you only need to put a little amount away for savings and paying off loans early. There isn’t a need for extreme behavior that your spouse can’t handle. For example, no need to go and sell your house to move into a camper or a bad neighborhood to save money. No need for a stay at home wife to feel guilty about having one income and fighting over money. You’ll be surprised at how a little can go a long way and you still can have the same lifestyle that you have now.

8. Get Some Marriage Coaching or Marriage Counseling

Getting outside help from a professional can make all the difference in the world when it comes to your marriage. Fighting over money is one of the top arguments that couples have. If you tried to work together on your finances yourselves and still have problems agreeing, getting help from professionals who are licensed and properly trained in helping couples successfully navigate various marriage issues can help relieve your stress.

Fighting over money is one of the leading causes of arguments in a marriage. In fact, the number 1 reason of stress in a relationship is over finances and a quarter of all divorces are due to money. Your marriage does not have to be a part of those statistics. If you apply the guidance in the 8 points listed above, you should lessen the stress on your marriage over money. You’ll put your relationship on a road to recovery so you can have a stronger marriage.

Are finances tearing your marriage apart? Do you and your partner find yourselves fighting over money often? You don’t have too! Leave your financial and other marriage stresses with us. We have over 30 years in successfully coaching couples on before and after marriage challenges. We can do the same for you and we’re just a phone call away. Contact us today at 888-616-6656 before your marriage tears apart from fighting over money and to have the marriage you always romanticized about.