NATURAL HISTORY OF RELATIONSHIPS

Communication as a developmental continuum

Stage 1: INITIAL ATTRACTIONINITIAL ATTRACTION

• STEP 1: Becoming aware of the other– Is X attractive?– Attend to the novel/unusual– See physical attributes– Drawn to the non-threatening– See behavior next– Draw Inferences about person

• STEP 2: Deciding to Talk• Will they find me attractive

• STEP 3: Exit or continue• Search for similarities

• STEP 4: Make Behavior pleasing to partner– Buoy up the other’s Self-esteem

• compliment them, attend to them

– Render them favors showing your desirability or power– Agree with others– Ascribe positive characteristics to self either directly or

indirectly– But, might have to live up to “false” information later

Stage 2: GROWTH STAGEGROWTH STAGE

• STEP 1: Commitment to future interaction– Increase proximity =s increased

commitment/talk/positive feelings

• STEP 2: A Reciprocity norm– Tit for Tat initially– Time for repayment increases over time

• STEP 3: Turning points– Greater interaction =s escalators– Decreased interaction =s de-escalators– Accept or reject escalation

• Acceptance of escalator has two consequences– Differentiation - other social group

begin to see you as a couple - External result

– Identification - you identify yourself as a couple - internal result

Stage 3:

MAINTAINING A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPMAINTAINING A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP

• STEP 1: Constraining relational tensions– Competing demands and

simultaneous competing tensions affect communication patterns

TensionsTensions

• OPENNESS VS PROTECTION– Want to protect our own

and their vulnerability, yet want self disclosure that sustains relationship

• HONEST VS VALIDATION– To be honest or to

support the other person

• AUTONOMY VS INTERDEPENDENCE– The need to be together & need to be apart

• PUBLIC VS PRIVATE FACE OF A RELATIONSHIP– Pressures to maintain dichotomies of

expectations

Predictability vs. NoveltyWe want to be able to predict out partner’s

ways, yet also want “new experiences.”

• Passion vs. Stability• Seek passion in a relationship, but

stability keeps it from burning out as well

• STEP 2: Rejuvenating a relationship

– Being too certain, non-spontaneous, feel need to spice it up

– Rejuvenation strategies

Threats: get excited or get a divorce

Use outside events to pep it up

Stage 4: RELATIONAL DECAYRELATIONAL DECAY

• STEP 1: Intra-psychic stage– Person grapples

privately with dissatisfaction

– Reach threshold , “I can’t stand this anymore”

– Breakup starts with negative, evaluative focus on partner

• Based on Steve Duck’s work

• STEP 2: Dyadic Phase– Begin to talk only when

relationship is in trouble--communication phase

– Talk assess joint costs of withdrawal and decreased intimacy--negotiate dissolution

– Protracted when negotiation done via avoidance

• STEP 3: Social Phase– Public presentation of dissolution to friends/social groups

– Tell your story/Gossip in Social networks– Not gossip about relational distress, outside your group; about kin to non-

kin; not become too moral/slanderous; be selective

– Men offer Sociological reason - “Her friends drive me nuts”

– Women offer Interpersonal reasons - “He was oblivious to anything I did”

• STEP 4: Grave Dressing Phase• Retrospection about final Attributions - market

your account• Go back to one another and endlessly go over it• Narratives important:

to develop understanding rehearse with persons also dissolving to re-establish own identification

• e.g., “I married the wrong person”