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I Was A Kid Once Too

“Amazing story a must read, the author has truly out done herself.” “I wish I would have thought of putting my life in a story although nothing would be as interesting as my mother’,s. I couldn’t stop reading.” A 12 year old girl living with her mom, 4 brothers and one younger sister go through the roller coaster of life. From Entering middle school to dealing with purer pressure. My mother tells her story of growing up. Realizing things never get any easier she turns negative to positive and enjoys the little things. Now at the age of 46 (happy birthday) she is ready to tell the world about herself. And give advice on life (for all ages).

“Believe that you can do whatever you put your mind to remember there are no limits to your imagination. No

one but you can control your life so make the right choices and enter new experiences with an open mind. Most important thing to remember is –take life, day by day because it’s better to live in the moment.”

-Kimberly- Happy birthday mommy. I love you <3

About the Author

I was born in Edmonton, Alberta Nov.24/1966. At the age of 6 my mother made the decision to leave my dad and raise her 2 girls and 4 boys on her own.

We moved in to the projects at the age of 7 and lived there throughout my youth. Together with my husband we raised our 4 children right here in my home town Ottawa, Ontario.

Catherine. Radke

Inspired by

Each and every one of my friends and loved ones, who have touched my life through the good times and the bad.

Thank you Catherine. A. Radke

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distribution in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violations of the author’s rights. Purchases only authorize editions. Copyright©2012 by Catherine.Ann Radke This book is based on fact and fiction. All names, places, and incidences in this book have been completely changed, fabricated, or altered to encourage a better read. Any resemblance to actual person living or deceased, places or incidences are purely coincidental.

Friends Forever

These stories are shared to encourage all , remember that we all come from different life styles and were born and raised on the values and lessons taught by our parents. My goal is to allow parents and children to compare their trials and tribulations while enjoying some good positive quality time.

Not one family is the same as another. Remember we were all once pure and innocent. Guide your friends, loved ones and those who are troubled help them remember they were a kid once too.

In memory of my mother Hazel. Radke, my brother Timothy. Radke and a very dear friend who’s purity was needed more in heaven.

Chapter One

An End to a Great Morning

"Get up Sandy!" Every morning I made sure Sandy had the pleasure of my wake up call. She was the baby of the family and my little sister. She had two nicknames or three if you count my brothers. I always referred to her as the spoiled brat or angel face. She always ruined my good morning, with her sucky baby attitude to get anything she wanted. She always knew how to break up my quality time with my mom. I was blamed for everything, all sandy had to dear was wipe a tear and that meant a week of not seeing my friends. She was smaller than me with her tiny little freckles and long flat brownish hair and her oversized front teeth. I finally got my favorite night shirt, but that was only because Sandy cried for the same shirt. I loved the Tasmanian devil but asked for Mickey Mouse. The rule of thumb was when I was with my sister never ask for what you really want. Sandy started with the fake tears and I was able to be the better one by choosing Tasmanian devil.

Every morning I would wake up to the fresh home baking of my mother’s most famous cakes and cookies. It was the best part of waking up." Good morning mama what are you making”. I stood there no more than 60 pounds wet, my long stringy black hair and my favorite long t-shirt. You wouldn’t think I loved food as much as I did looking at me…” "You will soon find out my little cutie pie" as my mother bent over and gave me a gentle little kiss on the top of my head. She had a lot of different little nicknames for all of us.

I was always the first one up and so excited because that meant I got my entire mom’s attention to myself. We would sing and hum as I helped her set the table for breakfast. My favorite was when I got to lick the bowl as part of my reward for helping. "Ok sunshine go get your slippers" that was the best part of the morning.

Only if the morning went well and no-one was up yet did I get to grab my big pink fluffy slippers and sit on the steps to feed the birds some stale old bread. My mom would share her favorite moments of growing up or often we would pick a bird and guess whose piece of stale bread he was going to take first, every time I would win my mom would give off a little Chuckle "you win!"

Then unfortunately it would all come to an end. I heard that creaky door open from across the parking lot. Beverly was my mom’s best friend and neighbor that lived too close for comfort. She was rounder then a beach ball.

Her head was way too small for her body and short greasy hair. "I’ll be there in ten Hazel, just got out of bed," "You mean just rolled out of bed"; whispering to myself softly, trying to hold back my giggle. I always waited for her to finish chatting; finally she’d notice me "good morning Cathy are you feeding the birdies with your mom this morning".

Beverly was so phoney every time I would leave the room it wouldn’t take longer than 5 minutes before she would start ratting out everything she saw us kids do the night before. By the time Beverly would leave you knew someone was getting in trouble. She was the gossiper of the project." Ok Bev I’ll send Tracy up to wake Tammy and put the kettle on. Now my special morning is over and it’s time to get ready for school.

I knew our perfect morning was coming to an end I always took my frustration out on Sandy. "Sandy get up" she threw her pillow at me and rolled on her side facing the wall. "Mom said get up and that means now". Sandy turned to me and whispered "you’re not my mother; I don’t have to listen to you. Now I am ready to smack her in the head, instead I picked up the whole one side of the mattress and flung her off the bed.

Sandy started screaming and crying "mom Cathy”s picking on me again". "Boo hoo go cry to mommy like you always do angel face" she hated when I would call her that, but at least it got her to wake up.

Chapter Two

You’re Not My Father

Now were all at the breakfast table and my mom is sitting on the porch talking to Bev getting the daily news report. Pat would always take advantage of my mother when she was not in the room. He was the first one to start with the jokes. Pat was the second youngest

brother and the thinnest. His teeth were worse than Sandy’s and although he had the pretty boy look his teeth were too much of a distraction to notice. He was the only blonde of the family and we used to joke about him being adopted.

Pat had a mean temper and fought all the time, He was bullied so much at school he had to become one himself. We always vented together when one of us got grounded and I liked being around him for the most part he always made me laugh.

But that was not the case for my mother. He was a handful, always in trouble at School and I cannot count how many times the police brought him home for stealing or fighting. Pat lost allot of fights because of his size and had felt the need to start walking around with a jack knife for Protection.

Pat and I loved to Joke about Bev and he was very good at it. "Turn the water off you don't want to call attention to the beach whale". Pat would start, “Hey Pat”, "What’s black and white and full of stories. We would be sharing that brief moment of fun before my brother Kenny had to ruin it all.

Kenny was the oldest and very tall with short curly red hair, his ears stuck way out and many of the kids would tease him and call him monkey ears. His face was covered in freckles, I never saw many of his friends but

he was picked on enough by Lloyd and his friends, I understood why he would not want to bring his friends around. He dressed like a farmer boy and acted like a seargent. Kenny and I always had the worst fights.

After several minutes of teasing Kenny, my oldest father want to be brother would ruin the fun. "Ok guys she can hear you stop talking and eat". I never could stand Kenny he was the one I argued with the most. "You’re not our Father Kenny" I would say knowing this is just the start of a great argument. I loved getting him mad and always made sure I got the last word with him.

Now everyone is done Breakfast and my youngest brother and I would always have the job of clearing the table. Timmy was a lot like me but without the temper.

He had beautiful black curly hair and dark eyes, when he smiled his cute little fangs would stick out. His body was oddly shaped because he was born with a pigeon chest. We shared allot of the same interests and both had allot of energy. If anything he was the peacemaker of the family. He hated arguments and used to always give me a pep talk about trying to get along with Kenny.

Chapter Three

Beauty and the Hunks

Now were all ready for school and our friends are starting to pile in the front door like a swarm of over excited young preteen girls and loudmouth future jailbird friends of my brother’s. "Hello there Sandy " Kevin stood there with his face all blushed and hair hanging in front of his eyes leaning up against the broken closet door. Sandy was the prettiest of all of my friends. She had a beautiful tan body with dark brown long hair, her style of clothes screamed confidence. She was what the ten and eleven year old boys would call a hotty. Teachers would mix my sister and her up all the time, evenventually her name became Sandy with a P that is how we always could set the names straight.

Sandy was envied by most but I found her to be very likeable. Her dad worked long hours and her mom was working for the Government until she got very sick. It wasn’t long before the Rumor got out that Mary, her mother had an addiction. Sandy was very spoiled and always got what she asked for because she was an only child. Anything that was in style you can most definitely see it on her first. She was friendly however and never acted spoiled and shared with everyone.

"Hey Pat what kind of mischief are you going to get into today" was her most common remark. “Ahhhhh! You know me I’m always a good boy” and just like a bolt of lightning he was out the door. Pat never knew how to approach Sandy in any other way.

My brothers are finally out the door and my friends and I could giggle about Bobby and Randy. They were the only two gentlemen of the group. Not to mention hunks as we called them back then.

Joanne was my best friend and Peter was her Brother. Joanne was the kind of friend you can say anything to and trust her, our favorite times were gossiping about our other friends. She wasn’t the prettiest but certainly the toughest. She was a bit overweight and her hair was just boring length to her neckline with a bit of a red highlights, this never helped with her figure. She shared something in common with me, her with the weight problem and me with the lack of boobies I would call them.

She knew I liked her brother Bobby and could not help but to sing the dreadful song we all heard back in the day. "K I SS I N G Peter and Cathy in an old oak tree" I would always start laughing with her as I gave her a shove in a playful . I knew she was only teasing and always ok with that.

By now we were just getting ready to leave the house and Sandy once again had to go pee. She would always wait until the last minute and I was never to go without her. "Hurry up God your so annoying". My mother started shouting from the kitchen to the front door." leave her alone Cathy." Of course it was Friday and as much as I wanted to say something back I knew better on a Friday.

That was the worst day to get grounded, it meant no sleep outs or sleep overs. Joanne and I were looking forward to having a sleepover at her place and watch the Demon seed. I just held my breath and counted to ten. Sandy finally came back down with that little smart ass smirk. "Let’s go as I walked quickly ahead of her wishing it was any other day but Friday.

Chapter Four

Don’t Look Back

Run just keep running until you pass out from an asthma attack, “maybe that will get my mom’s attention“. I thought to myself. I was always so full of rage but this day was the worst. As much as I hated my brothers I hated their friends even more.

My growing up was full of great memories but also some of the worst. Our first home was on O' Conner Street in Ottawa, Ont. It did not take long before we were moved out to a low and affordable place called Ottawa Housing or what we called the projects. Poor single families for the most part or drug addicted couples that live from pay check to pay check and rarely care too much to notice where their kids are.

I was the second youngest and first girl born. So imagine 4 older brothers, which meant a house full of troubled teenage boys up against me. "You always have to have the last word" my mother would say, she would then follow with,” One of these days your mouth is going to get you in trouble ".

I always chuckled to myself when my mom would say something silly, "Ok mom yep! My mouth is going to get me in

trouble"? We would never swear in front of my mom. I can't tell you how many times I had to brush the hard bar of soap leftover on my teeth from swearing!

She was right I always had to have the last word but never had the chance when I was up against my mother. Her last words were "not another word” and that meant big consequences for me. Most times I let her win. But that was not the case with my four brothers and their big shot friends; I always made sure I got the last word.

That day happened one afternoon my mouth got me in trouble, I finally stood up to that bully friend of my brother Lloyd and his friend David. Lloyd had the worst friends of all four of my brothers. Lloyd was a bit stalky, with a white complexion that made his freckles stand out like connect the dots and red wavey hair that was in dire need of a haircut. David was Joanne,s second brother the oldest in her family. I guess he had that look about him that some thought of as good looking, but his personality was far from that. Of all Loyd’s friends their were two I hated the most, Craig and David.

I was sitting watching my favourite show The Brady Bunch, minding my own business when I heard that gut wrenching voice, my brother Lloyd,s friend David or crater face as I always wanted to say. "Hey two backs have you seen your front yet, then he would follow with a girlish laugh. I was under pressure for my breast size, my friends

were in B cups and I was still shopping for my first training bra. It was the final draw. My heart started racing and I could feel my face turning red," Oh really crater face", I just blurted it out.

David came running towards me I never looked back to see how close he was. I just kept running. Finally when I realized he hadn’t even been running I collapsed and cried until There were no tears left.

After catching my breath and being so mad at myself for running like a chicken, I decided to go back home and be prepared for anything. As I entered the kitchen through the backdoor, I overheard my Brother "seriously Tommy leave her alone she’s already getting teased enough by her friends" Your right Bro I'll take it easy on her".

I thought, "Wow my brother, he teases me all the time"? It was a good feeling. I marched in the living room like it was my home, confident knowing my brother stood up for me.

"Hey look who's back just when I was getting hungry, its Chester and she brought her fried eggs with her" my brother shoved Tommy but to my astonishment he started laughing with him and exchanging words "hey need a board

you can borrow my sister" my brother said, "no thanks Bro there's a couple of lumps in it". They rolled around on the couch laughing and giggling.

I stormed up to my room and slammed the door. My face was redder then a tomato. My eyes were dry and welted I laid on my bed and slept until my mother got back from her volunteer work at the community centre. I guess it was the cool thing to do looking back; now days we call it pure pressure. No-one had even heard of the words pure pressure back then never an issue to parents.

That was until the most tragic day of my life at the time. My friends and I were waiting at the lights and the boys beside us were being stupid as usual trying to fall into my friend so they can catch a feel. My friend Lisa had large breast for an 11 year old and it was early fall so her nice bright yellow tight to her skin V neck sweater really drew attention to the boys. Lisa was a bitch no doubt about it. She was always moody and never smiled. Not very pretty either her face was full of craters and pimples, and curly hair or what we use to call bed head.

Lisa finally got fed up with the boys; I can remember seeing a kid fly off the front end of a black ford Lincoln. He had lunged for Lisa but when she moved out of the way he continued onto the busy street. We were all in complete shock no one moved. It was strange I don’t know how long I froze before I felt the arms of my mother pulling me and Tammy close to her crying

asking if we were ok. "Mom Mom I'm ok stop you’re embarrassing me". I felt like she was treating me like a two year old in front of all my friends.

The ambulance had arrived soon after my mother. The boy was crying at this point which told all of us he was going to be ok. Lisa was crying she felt horrible. We reassured her that it was not her fault and once we found out the boy was going to be ok, "just a couple of routine tests and obvious scrapes and bruising" I overheard the police officer.

Lisa felt much better hearing that he was ok, but that never stopped her from approaching the other boys and blaming it on them. We all just stood and listened to her rant for about 10 minutes and then wrapped our arms as united friends and left our parents behind to continue with their gossiping.

That was it for my mom she immediately pulled us out of the catholic school and we went to a protason School. The parents all got together and decided to protest the Catholic School until they provided.

Chapter Five

Don’t Turn Your Back

I hated my new school. Teachers were too nice and talked down to us like we were two year olds. The only good thing about our new School was that all my friends’ parents joined in on the protest. That meant we got to take a school bus together for the first time.

Kids were jumping up and down on these seats excited to check out our new bus. “Sit down”. The bus driver stopped the bus stood at the front facing all of us. “Now are we ready to sit down or do you all want to stay on this exciting bus all day“. The bus was no longer exciting and everyone sat down mumbling to their buddy next to them.

I was chosen to be door monitor. I loved that job no one could pass me without my permission. The teachers thought it was a good idea to have kids as door monitors to give them a sense of responsibility. Not me, I just loved to be in charge. The common question by the boys was the old washroom trick. They just wanted to get into the school to warm up. Young Scotty was my favorite he would come up every day with a new trick to get me to let him in.

One day he went under the stairs with my sister. Little brat of a sister teamed up with him." Tracy she yelled

from under the stairs" The door was not too far from under the step so I leaned over the rail to see what she wanted. Just then Scotty came running behind. There was my sister laughing, giggling and yelling “Run Scott Run“.

It was the first time Tammy went outside the boundaries of being a goody two shoes. For some reason I didn’t get angry, I guess I was more proud that she had the guts and courage to do it. I laughed and started giving her a newgy, " You like him eh sis, Tammy likes Scotty" I started singing and we giggled some more. Although my sister drove me crazy she was still fun to be around once in a while.

That was the last year we had to walk to the Catholic School, the parents won and we got School busses the following year. My mom was more than happy to have us attend back at our Catholic School and so were we.

Chapter Six

We All Have Our Days

It was near the end of the School year and a very hot day. All of my friends and I were very moody. It must have been the heat but fists fights were breaking out everywhere throughout the day. Sherry always hated the boys, especially Andrew. He was always teasing her but mostly because he really liked her. "There he is" she said "who”? I asked. She turned to me and said in a very disturbing voice "I swear Tracy if Andrew Says one word to me today I'm going to kick his ass". I had no reason not to believe her. Sherry had no problems fighting with the boys. She liked that she was tougher than half of them.

"Hey Chicky chick"“, uh ohhhhhh” I thought you’re going to get it, I shook my head at Andrew trying to prepare him for what Sherry was about to do. Sherry came out of nowhere. She pushed Andrew on the ground and immediately started punching him over and over again. Andrew would try to get up but Sherry was not finished taking all her anger out on him. Out of nowhere kids started shouting "Go Sherry Go" and poor Andrew's friends were laughing, he was about to lose a fight to a girl.

Finally after he took about a good twenty punches Sherry got tired and let him up. Andrew was tough he

got up shrugged his shoulders a few times and walked towards his

friends. He was wiping blood off his nose with his dirty brown suede Jacket and turned to Sherry "you’re lucky you’re a girl" Sherry took one step towards him. Andrew flinched knowing he was done and walked away with all his punk friends.

On that same day Cathy, another good friend of mine, she reminded me allot of my brother Kevin with her bad attitude. She had it rough growing up in a family where both parents were alcoholics and they worked hard to support their habits. Cathy was short thin and carried a constant chip on her shoulder. She was average looking but very tom boyish and loved her plaid shirts.

She and I were sitting in class my desk beside hers. Cathy never wanted to think for herself and I was really never too sure of my answers to share. She kept leaning over to look at my sheet and I knew this time my answers were wrong. "Come on Tracy, give me your answers" No!" I said do your own work" I couldn’t tell her why Joanne loved to tease and although she was not very bright she had no issues with teasing others. Cathy looked at me with blood in her eyes "you’re going to get it after school" I never minded a good scrap so I opted to the challenge “Oh yeah meet you after school at the bus stop".

Before you knew it the school bell rang and I was ready for a good fight. Everyone was rallied in a circle and I

was sitting on my lunch box calmly waiting for my contender.

Cathy finally showed and I stood up "you want to go" I gave her the first shove, that was important, my brother Kevin would say first punch shows no fear, last punch shows strength. I had to make sure she knew I was not afraid. After a couple of shoves we rolled on the cement and I finally got her in a choke hold "Are we done here" I was so proud of myself.

Just then, Bob the cutest bus driver ever. Came leaping from the bus and pulled us apart. He insisted we either shake hands or have a long walk home. We looked at each other and shook hands, "good fight" she said and walked to the back of the bus. Everyone was congratulating me and consoling Cathy. "My hair got caught in her zipper and I couldn’t breathe" I overheard her. I never saw a reason to call her up on it.

I figured only a moron would believe her story, she couldn’t breathe because I had her in a head lock. I just couldn’t wait to go home and tell my brother. I knew how proud he was going to be. Kevin was always the one that taught me the moves to win a fight. I loved getting the high five when I did well in his books.

Chapter Seven

Parent’s Hurt Too

Today was a strange day I came running in from school through my books down and listened for a moment, it's never quiet in my house. I overheard my mother as I slowly snuck down the hall leading to the kitchen. She was talking on the phone crying. I had never heard my mom cry before. It was the first time I froze with tears; I felt a tremendous feeling like a broken heart in my chest. Then my mother’s voice became louder and very angry, at the time I had no idea who she was talking to.

There was no way I was going to get caught spying when she was that angry. "Mom" I said in a very low but scared voice. My mom reached out her hand and bent over, covered one end of the phone as I leaned in to hear what she had to say, she whispered softly " sweetie could you do me a great big favour and play with your sister outside". Sure mama" it was the first time I knew my mom needed me. The strange thing was I needed my sister at that time too.

Tammy and I sat on the steps and exchanged conversations about what could be wrong with our mom. "Maybe someone died I said" shocked that it could even be a possibility. "No I sink we have sose bedbugs again, member how mom got thou mad" Tammy said with her cute little wisp, sometimes she was cute. I guess.

My mom finally called us in for "supper" that was all we needed to hear. It wasn’t my favourite macaroni dinner that got me back in the house, I just needed to know my mom was ok. We were all sitting at the table when I noticed my brother Kevin was not at the kitchen table. I sat there thinking the worst; he died that’s why she was crying so much. A tear rolled down my cheek and I looked at Tammy. I knew she was thinking the same as me. My mom came to the table and still will placing the macaroni dish on the table, mentioned nothing about my brother missing. This was very odd, my mom would always say go fetch your brother if one was missing.

She then sat at the table and said nothing. It was so disturbing I had to say something because no-one else was. "Mom" I said with tears rolling down my face and my voice quivering. "Where’s Kevin" My mother looked at me and before a word came out she left the table and started sobbing out loud. "Way to go Sis" Brent said, I stood there shocked, my brothers must have known something I didn’t.

"What I said" now I have gone from sad to angry in a matter of seconds. It never took much for Brent to get me started. "Kevin’s in the nut ward" My mom stormed through the kitchen with such rage. "Brent Wayne Radke" "Don't you ever let me hear you say that again", all I could do was stand with my mouth wide open and puzzled. "What? a nut hospital mommy?" I asked her, by now I'm hoping it’s the right time to ask the question.

My mother told Tammy and I to sit on the couch. She sat in between us and explained the whole story. Kevin had very bad anger issues and he attacked one of the teachers at school with a jack knife. They had suspended Kevin but also called the Police to make a report.

The police after talking to Kevin decided that because of Kevin’s age it was best that he would be brought to the Hospital for psychiatric testing. Tammy looked at me waiting for my response almost as though she had nothing to say. It was not really a bad thing I thought to myself.

Kevin had a very bad temper and many times he would fling things across the room. Whenever I would get in a fight with Kevin if we still were not talking by nightfall, I would put a chair at my door just in case. Tammy and I both reached in and gave my mom a big hug and kiss.

Tammy and I went off to play and left all the worries to her. After that day things got much worse at home. Kevin had only spent one night in the hospital and that was enough to fill his soul with rage. Kevin acted out from that day on. He started with stealing more, barely showed up at School; he got in so many fights we couldn’t count. My mom had finally had enough the day Kevin threatened his own life.

Kevin had all the attention out in the baseball field, all the kids were standing around the baseball diamond and were shouting "jump Kevin, jump. My mom started shouting to everyone, "someone go get Norman" that was my friend Sherry’s father from across the street. Kevin had a certain respect for Norman and always listened to him.

By the time Norman had got there Kevin was standing up on top of the wired baseball fence. After several words of encouragement Kevin finally came down. He had to have been sooo embarrassed. I felt for him. He turned to everyone as if he were talking to an audience and said " Ha the jokes on all you nosey Bastards" "I was just going up to fetch this stick, he was holding a small branch in his left hand.

Kevin had come in our home for the last time. My mom had decided it was time to send him to my Grandma Sophie’s. Grandma Sophie would always chat with my mom on the phone from out west. We had never seen her or remembered her. But she always sent socks at Xmas. She tried several times to convince my mom to send him out there. I know this because my mom would talk about it to her friends at the kitchen table. If she heard a peep from us she would always say "kids are to be seen and not to be heard. So I knew to just sit and listen quietly if I wanted to get the latest gossip.

Kevin was Packing his bags and getting ready to go. I was sad because although he was a big pain in the butt I would have rather it been Brent. We chuckled

with each other and Kevin was almost excited to go. He was taking a plane for the first time and all by himself. At times he would get all red and you knew he wanted to cry but not a tear. He gave me all the big brother advice he could think of, we laughed and talked the whole time he was getting ready to go. "Come on Kevin it’s time to go" my mom’s voice sounded shaky and nervous. I knew she did not feel good about her decision but we needed protection and Kevin was like a ticking time bomb. Although I loved him and cried so much after he was gone I slept much better at night knowing he was not there.

Chapter Eight

It’s about Time

It was Saturday morning and School was finally over for the summer. I woke up to the hot sun blazing in my room. Tammy and I shared a room. I woke up with a really bad headache.

When I walked into the kitchen my mom was just cleaning up. My mom had already finished baking. My mom always knew I was sick when I slept in. Instead of a gentle morning kiss my mother’s cool hands touched my forehead. “What is going on with you sweetie” she knew the doctors were the only ones that can answer that question but by now my mom was getting tired of the constant guessing from Doctors.

Later that day I was feeling much better and decided I was going to go swimming with my friends. As I was leaving the house my brother’s, was sitting at the kitchen table and glanced my way. Of course Tommy could not resist, I swear his mouth never stayed closed for longer than a minute. “Going out to scare the boys again Tracy” Shut up Tommy" I said knowing his next come back was going to refer to me in a bathing suit 60 pounds wet. I ignored him; I was just getting over my head ache and was not ready for a fight.

When I came back from swimming my mom was out grocery shopping and the boys were wrestling in the

hall. I can hear my mother shouting for someone to help her carry the grocery's in and she was not too keen on the boys listening skills. She always had to shout more than once to get them to listen. Brent was about to hop over the wrestling bodies to help my mom when suddenly out of nowhere Tommy pushed him right through the wall and Left a big hole in the wall. My mother was furious.

"Get out, Get out now" she said to all my brothers’ friends, Bobby, Shaun, Tommy and the worst of the bunch Greg. Greg had a temper like kevin and came from a house full of violence. He was average built and stunk of smoke all the time. His hair was long to his shoulders and his mouth was the dirtiest ever.

"Screw you" he spoke to my mother as if she was nothing and left. I had never been so happy to see them get kicked out, "finally mom you got rid of the garbage“. I started laughing and my mother put her arm around me and smiled with a sigh of relief. She never had a quiet moment, my brothers friends were starting to treat our home like a drop in centre.

That night we had no friends in or out. My mother demanded a peace full evening and she was going to get one. So she thought. It was about 10:30 when my mom told all of us to go to bed. I of course always asked to stay up later.

Our bedtime routines were never pleasant for my mom. "Please mom let me watch the rest of the hockey game with Trevor. My two older brothers always got to stay up as long as they wanted on the weekend. My mother knew Trevor had no problems watching the game with me. He joked with my mom,” As long she’s a leaf fan she can stay up". I secretly liked the New York Islanders but Trevor never caught on until the playoffs. I enjoyed watching the game with my brother it was our special time together.

By now everyone is sleeping but Trevor and me. We both heard a bunch of kids laughing and screaming but that was nothing, so neither one of us got up to check it out. There was only 5 min left of the game and the game was tied, it was too good of a game, nothing was going to interrupt our game. All of a sudden we heard a loud crash upstairs.

Timmy started screaming and my mom was frantic. The game had just ended with a final Toronto goal in O/T we both jumped and in no time, almost tripping over each other were at the top of the stairs.

My mom was standing holding a rock in her hand the size of a baseball and was looking out the broken window in my Brother Timmy’s room. "Mom you ok" Trevor asked. "Oh my god who would do such a thing“. Someone threw a huge rock in my Brother Timmy's room and it landed right by his head. My mother called the police and before they arrived my brother Trevor and his annoying friends that got kicked out earlier that

day were a reckoned to be forced with and ready to catch the culprit that threw the rock.

The police told my mom if the rock had been any closer it would have got Timmy in the head. He was a very lucky boy the officer said. “If Kevin were still sharing a room with Timmy things could have been a lot worse” She whispered softly to herself. By now half the Project was in my home, trying to help calm my mom down. I had a couple of names in mind as to who threw the rock and Greg was number one on my list, he was also the only one of my brother’s friends that did not show up at the house. No one would have listened to me so I chose to keep that thought to myself.

The boys all came back; they were all wired and talking tough in the kitchen. The whole night was now disrupted and none of us could sleep. Trevor’s gang was in our house asking my mom for the latest scoop. It was not until 2 O'clock in the morning before company all left and it was time for bed once more.

The next morning the boys all came back only this time they brought Polly fill and paint to fix the whole in the wall. I guess it was then that my mother realized the boys were important to keep around for protection. Nothing was said anymore when my brothers friends were in the house. Things started changing quickly. My mother started playing cards with her neighbours and my brother’s friends eventually joined in on the fun. Poker and keno were their choice of games. It turned

out my mom was starting to relax again and was much more fun to be around.

Chapter Nine

Sometimes You Should Listen To Your Elders

Friday morning, my favourite day! Tonight I was having a sleepover and I had some big plans, we just got a new sofa with a pull out bed. My mom was going to pick up some snacks and drinks. Watching TV in the living room meant we can stay up as long as we wanted. I had pulled out my favourite hockey cards and teen magazines.

Sherry was staying the night and no one was allowed to like Shaun Cassidy but her. She always said it was like two timing and we can’t all like the same artist. So I was left liking his partner Parker Stephenson they were both from the series the Hardy Boys, Bridget had already loved Leif Garret that would have been my second choice, Cathy was never really into Disco she preferred rock and fittingly so Gene Simmons was her favourite, and my sister, she always had to be different so she chose to pick the French singer Renee Samard.

Sherry was so excited she talked about it all day. My other friends were starting to feel bad. I always liked to see my friends happy so I came up with a brilliant idea.

"Hey guys want to have a pyjama party"" I can ask my mom"" Tammy will convince her, she always gets her own way". Sandy and I had to share the same friends I was like her babysitter; for the most part it was very

annoying. Often my friends would split us up Tammy would stay with

Sherry and I would go hang out with Bridget. They hated listening to us argue. I couldn’t wait to ask my mom, I made sure to do everything right. Hung up my coat, emptied my lunchbox and without saying a word I sat at the kitchen table to do my homework. "I never even heard you come in, why so quiet“? My mom said. Truth is I had another headache and this time I knew if I told my mom she would cancel the night. "I just want to get my homework done before the weekend." "Stupid math teacher" I said. I was a good little actress.

Now supper was over and there were only a few arguments between Tammy and Timmy. It was spaghetti night and that always meant the boys were going to pretend it was worms. Tammy and I would get so grossed out. Today I knew better than to let them get the best of me. I really wasn’t very hungry anyway.

Now it’s time to ask my mom, and I needed Tammy there for back up. My mom was sitting in her favourite chair knitting a dress for her doll. She was very good at her arts and crafts and sold allot of them. Tammy was behind me "“Mom can we have a pyjama party promise we will be quiet". I just blurted it out without a thought. "Did you and Tammy do the dishes?” “Yeppers“, Sandy said so proudly, before I can get a word out.

My mother started laying down all the rules, my heart was racing I knew that meant yes and all I wanted to do was run out and scream to my friends who were waiting anxiously for an answer. I stood there listened to my mom ramble for about ten long minutes and then promised to do everything my mother said.

Then I ran outside and screamed out "She said yes" we all ran in a pile and started play fighting, that’s how we got our excitement out. Now all we had to do was convince Bridget’s father, that was never a problem, Bridget was in and out in no time. Lionel never said no and Bridget was always able to go on sleep outs.

That night we were all taking turns at each other’s house picking our favourite bed time buddies, games and arts and craft. This was going to be a night to remember.

We were now at my house and my brothers were getting ready for their night out. My mom was going over to the neighbours who just lived in the back parking lot. "Lock the door when we leave" Brent said "yes dad" I answered in a very sarcastic way" "Don't Start Tracy" I was having too much fun to care about the last word so instead I just chose not to listen. After Brent left I was a real smart ass and started mocking every annoying thing Brent said. We were having so much fun I forgot to lock the door.

We had the whole evening to ourselves. Bridget loved to play truth or dare. I always chose dare and that meant I was going to eat something really gross. Once again I lost and Bridget was in the kitchen making one of her worst concoctions ever. My stomach was already turning from too much munchies but I had to do what I was told, being a sore loser was never very popular amongst my friends.

Just as Bridget was coming in with a glass of what looked like sour milk and tomato juice. The door opened and we all started giggling in fear wondering who walked in. It was Dan or alcoholic Dan as we called him. Dan slurred every word he spoke "Hey girls having a slumber party are you" he reeked of alcohol and had a reputation of being a pedophile. He had red long blonde hair in a ponytail and his face was always red as if he had bad sunburn. My mom would always tell us not to get to close to him if he is drinking.

My mom wasn’t home and as much as I wanted him to leave he was not going to. He jumped on the bed and kept teasing and pulling on the blanket "come on girls let me under the covers I’m cold. Sherry had no problem telling Dan to leave and finally had enough. She pulled the covers off and leaned over Dan. "Go home Dan you’re drunk and if I have to I will go get my dad".

Dan picked her up, we all started screaming really loud not knowing what he was going to do. "Your right kiddo" he spoke slurring every word. He then threw us a twenty and said "go spoil you tomorrow. We had never

got so much money before but had to split it 4 ways. Dan then stumbled out the door holding on to every wall that was not there and finally left.

I immediately got up and locked the door. We started laughing to shake off the fear. Dan was unpredictable and I was never happier to have Sherry there. We started talking about what we should spend our money on.

Finally after an exhausting night of emotions I heard my mother jingling her keys at the door. I slowly got up from bed not to disturb my friends. By now my mom had heard everything, from our phone call earlier. She knew we were ok and stayed to play cards with her friends. I was so relieved that she was finally home but had a great night with my friends. I gave my mom a big hug and kiss. My mom knew I had the ability to talk too much so she put her fingers to my lips and whispered softly "Shhh” we will talk in the morning.

The next morning was the best ever. My mom started baking and that was enough to get all us girls out of bed. Bridget would not move she was completely passed out. The rest snuck up on my mom, Sherry attempted to poke my mom on her waist. My mom had ears like a rabbit I knew there was no way it was going to work.

As Sherry got closer my mom switched it up quickly. She turned and tapped Sherry on the nose with a spatula full of her delicious icing. We all laughed and

now we're so loud there was no way Bridget was going to stay in bed. Breakfast was served buffet style everything and anything you wanted from pancakes to scrambled eggs. As we all sat together with my mom we all started one by one sharing our stories from the night before.

No final decision was made on how to spend our money. That was until Bridget was very gutsy and daring. We all had older brothers except Sherry and they all smoked. Hey let’s get a pack of smokes. For me it was only a matter of waiting for my opportunity to try smoking.

"I'm in" I said with a nervous smile. That’s when we knew we were growing up.

Chapter 10

What’s wrong with me?

It was a hot summer day and I was out playing ball against the wall with my friends but the sun was making me feel very sick. "Sorry guys I have to go home and lie down." I said knowing this wasn’t the first time. Bridget was the first one to speak up "Tracy you have been sick allot these days". I turned my head and looked back will walking away "I Know sorry guys" They were disappointed and I knew it.

When I went home I still never said a word to my mom I just watched T.V and lied down on the couch with my mother’s knitted afghan that she worked on for months. It was a beautiful mix of orange, yellow and brown and it was the family afghan. Will unfortunately that didn’t last too long.

Timmy decided he was going to jump on the couch and start horsing around toughing at my blanket. "Timmy leave me alone" I started crying my head was hurting so bad, suddenly as I was leaning forward I threw up all over my brothers feet. He never even noticed his feet were sopping in my vomit.

“Mom come quick Tracy’s sick" my mom came running in checked my forehead I was slightly warm. My mother was just about to ask me questions, Bridget knocked and entered. "You ok Tracy" she looked at my mom and said “she gets sick allot eh Hazel“.

Timmy had been watching over me will my mom was wiping my forehead with a cold cloth. "Mom she going to be ok, Bridget is right mom she is always watching TV and never plays outside.” My mother looked at Timmy a little surprised, she had witnessed a couple of headaches but I never told her about all the other times. "It’s Time to take you to the doctor’s young lady" finally I felt relieved and knew I wasn’t getting any better.

The next day I got to play hooky from school so I could go to the doctors. As I was getting ready for my appointment I noticed my friend Cathy left her shirt on my dresser from our last sleep over. I knew she would not mind if I borrowed it. The colors were so pretty mix of pinks and purples and the shirt had metal buttons down the front. She knew how much I loved it and had lent it to me before.

It was a nice feeling walking hand in hand with my mother. We always had our time in the morning but this was different I felt like she was taking care of me. I liked the attention. The doctor called us in and started by asking questions almost as if he were in a hurry. He was a hefty man, a little short with glasses.

He looked so scrubby looking with is untrimmed beard and moustache and dark curly hair with a bald patch on top. Once he was satisfied with all the answers he told me to

unbutton my shirt. As he was checking me with the stethoscope he noticed when he came around to the front that I had a rash going down the centre of my front.

The rash was little buttoned sized circles that looked like they were bleeding on the inside of the skin. He immediately step out and came back in with another doctor, this doctor was just your average blonde 40 year old man. He started asking several more questions. After all the fuss they finally sent me for blood work. This was the first time for me. I was so scared of needles and we had to go to the blood cross for a butterfly blood test. Whatever that was? A least I had time to prepare.

It was Friday morning and I was only missing the morning of School. My mom’s neighbour Sharron offered to drive us for my blood work. She lived across the street from us. I never really liked her she dressed sloppy and was a little overweight, grey streaks in her hair and her face looked like she was 70 years old but she was in her 40's.This day I especially did not like her. We were in the car and I kept asking my mother if it was going to hurt. "Either way young lady their going to strap you down if you don’t stay steel" Sharron said in her harsh snaky way I don’t think she liked me much either. "It’s going to hurt may feel like their ripping your arm out "don’t be fooled by your mother". She continued then broke out it a donkey like laugh. My mother looked at Sharron and chuckled "you’re not helping" she said. I was so

confused my mother never really said whether Sharron was Joking or not. Finally I am sitting in the torture chair as I called it. A lady across from me was getting blood work done and I could see the long tube of blood. As the nurse came towards me I tried to wrestle out of my seat.

Although I was very small at the time I squirmed like a worm and screamed as loud as I could. It took 7 nurses to hold me down and convince me that it was going to be ok. Finally there was another small child she was no more than 4 and was replacing the lady I had watched earlier. My heart sank I loved little kids. She never gave it a thought and as I was staring at her getting her blood work they had managed to put the needle in my arm without me even flinching. I felt so foolish here I am 12 years old and acting like a big baby. My mother never took a ride with Sharon again.

Chapter 11/12

Never Underestimate Your Younger Sibling

After a long 2 hour bus ride that reeked of every ones sweat, over use of hairspray cheap perfume and this annoying tour guide that talked to us like we were a bunch of 2 year olds. I could not wait to jump off the bus.

It was time to buddy up and pick your group of 4 and cabin of choice. My friends and I had already paired up. Sherry, Cathy, Bridget and I were in one cabin. Tammy never grouped with anyone but me and this year I was determined to change that.

Tammy was very happy with her group. Leslie was more Tammy’s age group and they were becoming best of friends. Lisa, who was between both our ages but somehow fit in with Tammy more and Kristy who no-one knew anything about but she was the last one standing looking for someone to pair up with.

She was happy to just have someone pick her. She had an annoying voice that we had not heard until we called her over. “Hey girl in the overall jeans come here” I called out will walking towards her. She wore overalls and had no style when it came to the 70’s. “Howdy, what up guys” I paused for a sec to get a grip on a country accent I heard for the first time next to watching TV. It was kind of cool but annoying at the same time. “Cool accent” I said, “are you looking for a

group were short one person”, I was always the chosen one of the group to speak on our behalf. “Sure thanks roomies” she was funny but in a good way.

We heard a loud whistle that immediately got our attention .A long dark Indian lady wearing a beaded Indian necklace was lining everyone up to have our full attention. Already this camp was sounding like a lot of fun and our cabins smelled like fresh wood and very clean.

By now we are all lined up ready to listen. “How”! “My Indian Tribe members” we all at once gave a friendly “how!” in return and everyone started laughing giving the camp a good vibe from the very start. Her name was yellow flower and what she was about to tell us could not have made our first day more exciting.

There were several tasks that we were all given in order to earn our Indian name. At the end of the camping week we would all earn our Indian name. Then she placed a necklace made out of deer skin around each of our necks, and asks our given name. If one challenge was not met the necklace had to be returned. Anyone who completed the challenge received an award along with getting to keep the necklace. She then explained

all the amenities and rules. “Finally Flower girls done talking” I thought. “Ok girls get your swim gear and meet us at the beach.

We all gathered once again to hear the same boring stuff we heard every year about first aid, rules, and water levels. But we were all about to hear something new and challenging once again. There were different coloured bobs to show the depth of water. We had to accomplish treading water for longer than 20 min or we could not pass the green. I knew I was not capable of treading and had no interest in even trying. Although my sister loved to compete with me so I dare not at least try. I was a bit embarrassed when she beat me but was kind of proud of her because she was better than half my friends and I was her sister.

Once the swimming was over it was time to eat and there was never a minute to rest in between. The long log cabin filled with Indian paintings had our attention throughout the whole supper. “Everyone pointed to the big mouth painting of totem pole. “Hey Tracy look it’s you!’ I laughed it was ok for my friends to call me big mouth just not my brothers or their friends. “Yep I rule all that’s why you picked the biggest mouth” we chuckled. Another announcement was about to happen and it was easy for Yellow Flower to get our attention, by now she had so many great surprises it was hard not to listen.

Chapter 12/12

There Are Some Things I Just Could Not Do

The best part of camping was hands down the end of the night bomb fire. Once again we had all been well advised in the past but another surprise, first the introductions of several Indian guides that were to lead a group of 20 to the fire. Our Indian guide was called eagle eyes and she told tall tales of Indian legends that had us laughing and crying in fear all the way to the fire pit. It was so exciting.

From the bomb fire we were all told about a fund that our parents left for us to spend at the Tuck Shop where you can buy all the goodies you want. This was another new activity that we had never done at camp before.

Camp is now leading up to the final days and we were having so much fun trying to keep our necklace. Tammy and I both still had our necklace and the competition was even better against her. There were only 2 tasks left and the announcement came over the camp speakers. “Ok all you little Indians with necklaces your last challenge, you must not speak a word for 24 hours. I panicked there was no way I could stay quiet. “Oh my God Tracy you might as well hand your necklace in” Cathy laughed and was admittingly a bit annoying when she wouldn’t stop. I shoved her and smiled “want a bet” I knew that was the one bet she would win but at least she shut up fast

when I called her on it. Ok, so I lost the challenge in the first hour and that meant not only did I lose my necklace but Tammy beat me once again’ my little sister was better than me. The worst was having to listen to Cathy, “ Hey Tracy “What’s a matter cat got your tongue” she was making sure to center me out in front of everyone and they all took turns joking “Too bad that didn’t happen earlier Bridget responded.

Then the final challenge was about to be announced over the loudspeaker “all finalist congratulations on making it to the round, you are just one step from becoming a secret member”. Her next words were the greatest “tonight at exactly midnight all finalists will join their Indian guide for a graveyard sleepover to show no fear. “Indian culture speaks of the living dead that still roam in the night throughout the cemetery. I started laughing and teasing Tammy she was never going to do it. “Oh yeah sis just because you’re too chicken doesn’t mean I am” at first I thought she was showing off and trying to be a big shot.

Tammy actually went through with the sleepover and the great part was she shared the secrets of Indian Legends with me when she got back the next morning. It was our last bomb fire and everyone was sad, we never wanted our adventure to end. The last bomb fire was the best, it was award night and our

Indian names were about to be revealed. Tammy’s name was running deer because of her curiosity and I was named running water because although rough at

times, I displayed purity and beauty during the quiet moments.

That was our last and best year ever. Although we had no idea it would be so much fun we talked all the way home about whether we were getting too old for camp.

Chapter 13

That’s Not a Needle

Weeks had past and I was not getting any better. I had more bad days than good. My headaches were constant and now so painful I had to have a bucket by my bed. The phone rang, it was the doctor. I tried to listen but all

I could hear was my sister calling my mom constantly while she was on the phone.

She was so annoying if I had the strength I would have got up and punched her one. After the phone call my mom came up the stairs to talk to me. "Tracy we have to go and see a specialist" you can hear her struggling to continue. They think you may have a rare blood disease and have to do more tests. "Mommy what’s a Specialist

My mother looked at me and gave me a great big hug, let me do all the worrying she said, you just stay the tough girl you are and you will pull through.

Back to do more tests on this day my mom wanted one on one with me so we took the bus. It took almost an hour of sitting on that cold metal so called bed. When the Dry finally came in, he looked very puzzled and it was clear he had bad news. “Tracy" he said very compassionately "the next test we have to do is going to be painful you have been a strong young lady so far “he then continued to explain the procedure called a bone marrow test.

All I could think about was that little girl at the blood clinic. I'll bet she had this done I thought. I then looked at the Doctor and nodded my head “ok“! He explained to my mom that my platelets were very low and this test will determine the cause.

When the Dr. Left the room to prepare for the test I started getting very nervous and tears were rolling down my face. My mom reached from her chair across the room and said "sweetie I had this done before and yes it’s painful but you’re tough "try to think of something else while he is doing it.

The Nurse followed behind the Doctor "ok sweetie roll on your stomach. I had already been told the needle was in the back so I did as she requested. I was just anxious to get it over with. I moaned and bit on the pillow I was given. It felt like my bones were grinding inside it hurt so bad but I showed them I could be strong.

On our way to the bus stop I turned to my mom still in pain from the needle and asked why she had to have the test done. "Who me" she said "Oh no I never even seen a test like that in my life" "your one brave young lady" I felt good about myself.

Weeks later my mother received another call this time I was in school. When I came home I was feeling pretty good so I decided to go outside and play. As I was playing hopscotch I overheard my mother in our back yard talking to Berta. They were discussing the possibilities of what the results might be. I sort of felt special and was getting allot of attention from everyone. Although I felt special I was also scared I knew that I was bruising all the time and always really tired. All I

could think about was how I wanted this bad dream to end.

Here we go again "I thought as we waited in that same room for what felt like forever. The Dr. finally entered the room. "Hazel your daughter has a very rare blood disorder called immune thrombocytopenia" this was a low platelet count caused by my spleen he explained further then started to talk about surgery. If I was not scared before I sure was now. I asked the Doctor If I had to have the surgery. It felt as though he was not giving me any attention so I needed him to recognize me in the room. He then explained that I could pass out on the street and not wake up. This was enough to put my thoughts in a whirlwind of emotions. I stayed quiet and tried to ignore all the details, I was already petrified.

My mom and I had just walked in the door and I was crying. Tommy had no heart and cared less that I was sick. He came towards me and foolish me thought maybe he was going to ask if I was ok, but instead he looked me in the eye and said "what’s a matter?”, Doctor tell you that your Dying." then he left out the front door without another word. All I wanted to do was sleep so I curled up on my favourite spot of the couch and watched TV until I dosed off.

It was two weeks before the surgery and my friends were all getting ready for a big Terry Fox 24 hour dance Marathon. My friend Cathy and I always sat and watched. Only this time our favourite song was playing

we are the champion. We loved to dance to it because we at least could join in and wave our arms.

As we were laughing and giggling my ankle started hurting. I tried to ignore it but the pain became intense and I could barely make it back to my seat. Everyone came to my aid they had seen me stumble and I was holding onto my ankle.

I was told to sit on the chair when I looked up to my astonishment it was Tommy that was taking off my stalking and asking me where I was hurting. Although we hated each other it just felt good that someone was taking care of me. Finally Bobby, Tommy’s Brother had pulled up in his Chevy and my mother was waiting in the car with him.

When we got to the Doctor at emergency they had done all the necessary x-rays but because of my medical history they had decided to do more blood work. We waited a long time before the Doctor Came back in the room. He explained to my mother that there were signs of arthritis in my ankle. I'm only 12 how can that be I thought. The results were to be sent to my specialist and they had already booked an appointment for a follow-up.

Two weeks past and we were finally getting the results today, Doctor Came in the room this time with a folder filled with paper. "I have good news and bad news" he said. I’ll take the Good news first" my mother said. Your

daughter’s platelets are back to normal which means she does not need surgery.

In a strange way I was disappointed I had already told all my friends and it was the biggest talk of the week. Not to mention I would have had no school. My mother was very pleased but still concerned. The Doctor went on to explain that I had a rare disease called Lupus. The reason why I was sick so much was because of the sun.

At the time the Doctor did not know much about this rare disease but the best advice was to stay out of the sun and use a cream called Block Aid this was to protect my skin from the sun. From that day on my mom would have to come to the pool with me when I wanted to swim and timed me, no longer than 20 min in the pool was allowed.

My mother always reminded me what a lucky girl I was and God must have great plans for me!

Chapter 15

Out With the Old In With the Old

Growing up my mother had to struggle financially and emotionally. Raising 6 kids are her own was a lot of work. We had lots of help from all kinds of strangers. Our favourite was Christmas. We would always be waiting patiently at the door for our Christmas basket. My mother was always hoping the Turkey was big enough to feed all of us and still have enough for a second meal tomorrow.

I would argue with Tammy and tell her this time I get the colouring books and crayons. To stop the argument my mother would look at me "don’t you think you’re a little too old for colouring Tammy" well that said it all I knew right then that spoiled brat was going to get her own way. "You can have the book" my mother said she was very big on reading. I hated reading and my mom knew it. We always knew ahead of time what was in the basket because every year was the same.

We also had several homemakers my mom would be gone for the whole day sometimes and we would come home from school with some stranger cooking supper. We often wondered where she would be going but got used to it after a while.

Then there was Mrs. Philips she was great every time we saw her pickup truck we knew we were getting a bunch of yummy day old goodies she was an older lady but always dressed nice and for a women with a full set of grey hair she had a beautiful smile and was a lot of fun to talk too.

There was another very special lady that came to visit about once a month, my Aunt Irene. Every time we saw her Tammy and I would be so relieved but mostly excited when we heard she was coming. The special gifts she would bring were something Tammy and I needed the most. Flex shampoo and conditioner.

When we used run out before it was time for her to visit we would try all kinds of things to keep our hair from tangling and made it feel soft. Mayonnaise seemed to be the only thing that worked. She knew how important our hair was to us and worked for the Avon factory.

We would also get lots of other things too. Our favourite was the broach. There were different cartoon characters and when you would open the belly it would be filled with lip balm or sometimes perfume. We loved them and always got to pick out of the bag for our favourite. She was full of hugs and kissed and wood always slip us a 5 dollar bill. I knew what I was going to spend my money on. By now I needed cigarettes it was getting harder and harder to hide on my mom.

You can feel the cold winter from inside the house. Our house was always cold it was time for my mom to go pick up our coats from the snow fund it was for family’s that could not afford winter coats for their children. When we got home from school we could not wait to see our new jackets.

My mother called us she loved the moments of seeing us smile." That’s what makes all the hard work worth it.

Chapter 16

Face It Your Drunk!

The cold months are here and my friends and I had no problems playing out in the cold. We played broom ball, hockey, and had several snowball fights to keep us busy. There was never a moment where my brothers were not in the house. I was getting sick of looking at them. all but Bobby of course.

My mother liked Bobby too, she was like a mom to him and he was now filling Kevin’s seat at the table every Sunday. I was ok with that of course. Kevin always sat next to me. Sundays were always entertaining.

My mom would always burn our Sunday meal but to her defence she cooked allot of food for Sunday. I stopped asking her why she cooked so much food, she always had a new excuse, left over’s, to make sure there’s enough for everyone but her favourite was you never know who could show up.

She was right as usual. There was one visit that always stayed fresh in my mind. That was the day my dad’s whole family showed up unannounced. Uncle Ricky was drunk and his new wife Violet wanted him to rest before driving some more. “Sit down” my said, she was always happy to have company but Ricky was my dad’s brother and he made my mother feel very uncomfortable.

My uncle for some reason always wore cowboy boots and thought he was a Texas man right down to the scrawny look the scruffy hair with a beautiful cowboy hat. He always put his grubby hands on my mother "when you going to get married sexy" he never held back his swear words and had no problem hitting on my mom in front of Violet.

"Sit down Ricky your drunk" Yea you old bastard and theirs kids around watch your mouth" watch his mouth maybe she should worry about her own I thought to myself. Violet was really ugly I don’t know what was wrong with her face, she had zits and open pores everywhere. I thought where’s Bridget she loved to pop zits and did mine for me all the time. "Rub a little alcohol so it dries up faster Tracy" she would say after popping them.

My Aunt always had this White leather Jacket to cover her deformed body and wore the little bit of hair she had in a ponytail. "Oh relax well ya!” “Ya aren’t exactly good looking like my hazel here” he would say. "What do you expect" after all I am a man. "Hazel I'm really sorry he is way out of line“. My aunt was not impressed. Even with all the loudness and obnoxious behaviour my mom always offered them the bed couch to sleep the night.

This allowed Ricky to drink until he passed out. Lenny was my cousin" He was spitting image of his dad. Lenny was more Tammy's age and she was always excited to play with him. I never understood why they were even welcome in our home but I guess my mother wanted to make sure they had a safe trip.

Supper is all done and by now Uncle Ricky is passed out for the night we had hoped. My brothers came in and had pretty much taken over the house. Kenny had brought in a few beers and so did Trevor’s friends.

They were getting ready to play Poker and almost as if Uncle Ricky smelled the alcohol he was at the table wanting to play. My brother’s friends had no problem taking a drunks money so they let him play. Uncle Ricky kept losing and you knew that Violet was getting nervous he was spending all their money, they never had much.

She explained to my mom that Uncle Ricky had a drinking and gambling problem. Richard, she called him by his real name when talking about him. Had lost allot of money that night and the next day late afternoon he insisted someone stole it. Violet tried to convince him that he lost it all in poker. "I'll be back in a half an hour“. When he came back he had a two-four in his hand. By now he must have chugged some back on his way to my house. "Don’t worry hazel he said I’m not drunk, then as he ran to the backdoor Timmy decided he was going to say something he knew my mother never would.” Why

are you still here” he said "aren’t you and your family supposed to be on a trip.” come here little buddy" my uncle said" No you’re too drunk I’m going outside" and walked away. "Too Drunk" Quite the boy you have their

Hazel" he said after about his 7th beer and the afternoon had barely started yet".

He then walked over to the back yard and was watching the kids jump over the neighbour’s wood fence. This was fairly simple to do and the fences were pretty low even if you did trip. Uncle Ricky opened the door to talk to the kids outside. "Now what’s he doing"? Violet said to my mom. Then he yelled” Hazel come here let me prove to you I’m not drunk. "No no" my mom said I believe you; she was now getting tired of his nonsense.

He then in his cowboy boots took a running jump for the fence. I was in the parking lot and saw the whole thing. "It was so funny the way he landed his feet never even got 2 inches off the ground instead he belly flopped over the fence. I saw him get up and blood trickling down his head" are you all right Uncle Ricky although he was not my favourite family member I never like to see people get hurt unless I was doing the hurting.

That was a long day for my mother she had to go with him by taxi and was at the hospital for 5 long hours. Uncle Ricky got 10 stitches and a massive headache.

Finally after all the excitement was over Uncle Ricky and Family apologized for the inconvenience and finally left. My mom shut the door, `“thank God their Gone“. That was the last time she invited them over for the night.

Chapter 17

That Was Close!

It was starting to get harder and harder to hide smoking from my mom. By now all my friends but Cathy had their permission to smoke. No matter where we went they would light up. The problem was no matter how bad I wanted one I would have to wait for the right time to sneak. I wanted to have my permission several times but even to ask my mom was a waste of time she would never say yes even though I knew my mom knew that I was smoking. Her way of dealing with it was just to ignore it. I came close to getting caught smoking so many times.

Cathy and I decided we were going to hang out in her basement by now Cathy had really liked her drink and the fact that her dad had a bar in the basement sure did not help. We were sitting playing cards and were both by now getting bored. Cathy got up`` I’ll be right back``. She was gone no longer than a minute and came back with a bottle.

Only this time it was not for spin the bottle we were too old for that game and the only two in the room. She loved my innocence and outgoing willing to try anything once. ``What’s that? `` I said to Cathy. She went to the bar and got two shot glasses that were sitting on the bar and filled the glasses with what looked like water. ```do

you like black liquorice Tracy``? It was one of my favourites and she

knew it. I would buy the black candy cigars all the time and a full bag of black liquorice.

All I could do is nod and all though my knees were shaking my heart was racing I just had to try this stuff. ``is there alcohol in it?” I asked already knowing there was. ``come on live it up girl`` Cathy was getting a bit annoyed with my hesitation. ``here’s to the bottom saying bye to the top`` as I chased it down like it was juice. We were having too much fun now. That was the best tasting drink ever. `` That is good stuff`` I said although it was harsh on the throat it tasted like someone squeezed all the black liquorice juice in a bottle.

We then had maybe 1 more shot and Cathy filled the bottle with water to a line she had marked to cover her tracks and brought it back to the bar. I was feeling really funny and oddly relaxed but very shaky and my stomach was queasy. “Let’s just relax and listen to music” I said to Cathy. Her parents were at work and weren’t to be home for another 3 hours.

We both started yakking about anything and laughing over nothing. Cathy brought out her favourite Colt cigars and handed me one. We lit up but just as we did we heard footsteps coming down. ``Quick she said sticks it under the couch``

Her basement was made into a wreck room and her couch was a gold and yellow pattern it was very old and long overdue for the garbage. It was her dad. We were

sitting on the floor in front of the couch in order to hide the smoke from our still lit colt cigar. We knew we had the smell covered because it never smelled like a real cigarette and if her dad was home it was probably from drinking on the job and by now he would be too drunk to notice. He could have been a good looking man if he cleaned up. He looked old because of the drinking and always had black stubbles all over his face.

Her dad came half way down the stairs `` hey girls what are you doing`` he was just checking to see if anyone was home. The smoke started smelling different and I could see it climbing in front. I nudged Cathy and she looked with fear on her face. There was paper sticking out from under the couch and it started to set fire. ``

Cathy quickly stood up ``hey dad what are you doing home`` Butch was not about to answer that question so he turned and chuckled, ``you girls just make sure you stay out of trouble. Too late for that I thought. ``Quick Quick`` Cathy said grab the paper from under the couch. Some of the newspaper were already lit we started jumping all over the paper to put the fire out. That was too close for the both of us. The fact that we had a

couple of shots and just got away with it exhausted our day.

Chapter 18

You Know It! And I Know It!

During the next few weeks I started getting more daring with my smoking. I would light up if the boys and his friends were in the kitchen. If my mom walked in I would just drop it in the ashtray. Trevor’s friends never spoke a word about my smoking it was like they respected me for taking the risk.

One time Angie whom was the coach for my pageant was the only one in the kitchen and she was waiting for Trevor. The craving was so bad I really needed a cigarette. “Hey Angie mind if I light up and if my mom comes in just act like it’s yours ok?” Just as I was halfway through my smoke my mom walked in the back kitchen door.

I threw my smoke in the ashtray for Angie to pick it up. Instead she lit a smoke. My mom was very witty and it was not easy to get one by on her. ``Whose smoke is that Tracy`` I thought quick on my toes as I always had done ``oh its Trevor’s he just ran up to get something`` She then gave me a look as if to say I am not stupid and went back outside with a coffee for her and Berta. After they left I turned to Angie and said “thanks allot” I chuckled a little not knowing if she had done it on purpose.

My friends and I were all going to the show and it was the best time to light up because we were far enough

from the house. Cathy, Bridget, Sherry and I were having fun making circles out of smoke and French inhaling. I was never very good at it so my friends would have a great time watching me try.

It was fun to be silly so I started mimicking and joking about the way they looked. The fun never lasted long when I heard a voice from behind us. It was Carol Force and she had been coming back from the hotel after chugging a few afternoon drinks. ``Tracy I am so disappointed” she said “your mother is not going to like to hear about this one`` there was no point in trying to defend myself I was caught red handed. `` Whatever`` I said in a very mouthy way. The truth is I really didn’t care at this point and was getting tired of asking my mom for permission.

After Carol left the girls took turns asking if I was ok and giving advice on how to approach my mom. Cathy said “ tell her you were holding it for one of us”. I laughed ``and how do I explain the smoke coming out of my mouth” “thanks guys” I said trying to change the subject; I knew they were just trying to help but truthfully I really didn’t care.

We were on our way home and the reality hit, my mom was going to hear the news that I was smoking. Another lecture and long punishment. My mom had to show her friends that she was strict. As we were passing through the parking lot my mom was sitting in Berta’s yard with Carroll ``Tracy come here right now` `she was not happy and I knew it. She then started telling me all the

things I already knew about smoking and I stood ashamed in front of her friends. “Here” she said and handed me a colt cigar. You want to smoke so bad sit down and smoke let me see how cool you look. Wow I thought I’m getting a real chance to smoke in front of my mom and a colt cigar. She sat and stared, I smoked it as if I had been smoking for years. That’s when she knew she was beat and finally caved in and gave me my permission.

Smoking no longer was fun but an addiction and although I knew it was hurting my breathing especially with asthma, cost money, and I reeked all the time of smoke I had to have one more and more often now that I no longer had to hide it.

Chapter 19

Hey We Promised To Share

I am finally feeling better and although I had a lot of aches in my bones I never let it stop me from having fun. We were all practicing so hard throughout the week for our big baseball tournament and I was very tired.

Sunday morning Timmy came in to wake me up and ask if I was going to the drive in. I explained to him that I was sleeping in to get rested for our big game. "you’re not getting sick again are you" Timmy was always concerned about me, I mocked him and chuckled back, "ah is somebody worried about me" He laughed and turned to me with a big smile " ok he said but I get to keep the money all to myself" It would have been a good day for us too. A double feature of Halloween and Friday the 13th was playing.

By now I was awake and having breakfast. The front door opened as if a strong wind had just carried the door. Timmy came running in panting and holding up a purse. "Look what I found” he said “someone’s purse.” He found an old lady style brown leather purse with $250.00 in it. "Where did you find it Timmy?” My mom asked. He continued to explain "It was right before the hole of the fence in the field". "Let me see son there must be some I.D in there".

My mother was always about doing the right thing. However by now Timmy had picked up some bad habits

such as smoking. Money came in handy. As my mom searched frantically my older two brother Trevor and Brent were to get rid of the wallet and received $20.00 each for their dishonesty.

I was excited for Timmy but also knew he would not forget about his favourite sister. "Hey I said with a little grin holding out my hand "what about me" he started going through his money and saw how quickly it was disappearing.” Can I give you ten sis" he knew it wasn’t really fare because my brothers never went with Timmy to the Drive-In, him and I went every Sunday. "That’s ok" I said "but don't give Tammy any" and because Tammy really never cared about having allot of money he gave her $1.00 to keep her happy. We all found out that day that Timmy threw out the I.D so my mother would not make him return it. About a week later gossip got out. It was a welfare check that was just cashed and the woman was an elderly lady. I felt really bad but there was nothing we could do. She must have left her purse while trying to take a short cut through the fence.

The following Sunday I was up before Timmy and Ready to go. "Come on bro we have some money to make" then I made a cock a doodle do sound. He yawned and stretched then threw his pillow "you going to just stand there and wait for me to hop out of bed in my Fruit of the Looms.” "Your gross " "meet you downstairs I said. When we got to the Drive in, word was out that you can find money we saw two boys from a distance. As we got closer we saw Gerry and his older brother Philip. Philip was trouble and every second word that came out of his

mouth was Fuck. I always worried my brother and he would get into some kind of trouble. He always wore this bum Jacket that looked like it had been run over a thousand times, it was green plaid and the threads were so torn.

Philip was cute but definitely not my type. He had Black Hair feathered back and dark eyes, his attitude was annoying. "Hey” my brother said "What are you guys doing here" Philip and Timmy hung out but not too often. “Hey man heard you guys make some good money" thought we would join you" Timmy looked at me and I saw Gerry standing there waiting for my answer. We still chatted when we crossed paths "Sure why not"

Turns out; my why not was because Philip and Timmy kept ditching Gerry and me to have a smoke? I was starting to get angry, "look at them Gerry," I through my bag down and had enough… We’re picking up garbage and there over in the corner having fun" They were standing outside under the roof at the entrance to the refreshment stand The boss was always in back by now counting his money so Timmy wasn’t worried about him. Although he had bigger problems when I had a temper. "I'm going over there" Gerry started running towards me "Tracy don't go over just leave them" there was no way I was going to listen to Gerry or anyone I was so mad.

There was a funny smell of smoke as I got closer. What is that smell I said to my brother? I had forgotten how mad I was when I saw my brother smoking weed. I knew my other two brothers were but never suspected Timmy. "Timmy” I said" very puzzled "when did you start doing that stuff.” What are you doing here" He never spoke to me like that before I almost wanted to hit him.

Philip pushed Timmy aside and handed me the joint "Hey want to try" Timmy grabbed it out of his hand and dropped it. "What did you do that for?" Philip then picked it up "leave her out" Timmy said as though he was ready for a fight to protect me from it. Philip convinced Timmy. He told Timmy if I wanted I was going to do it sooner or later I then explained that at the least I could not rat on them. Although Timmy was still not too keen on the idea, he let me have my satisfaction of curiosity.

Gerry had almost finished the whole drive-in and was helping his brother find roaches to save some weed from other people’s joints. The whole time Gerry knew why they were in the corner. On our way home we figured that we had only made $25.00 and after the split it was not very much. I was so thirsty and laughing so hard I had to really pee. 'Hey Bro can you help me stand-up" I said laughing and

falling into him on purpose. "Are my eyes ok" I asked now I was getting paranoid I knew I was going home to my mother.

We were both feeling really weird but relaxed. My mother was in the kitchen as usual baking some homemade peanut butter cookies. Now I have the munchies and reached out to grab a cookie off the tray. "Get “Clean your grubby hands, before you touch those cookies". She was not impressed to say the least. She was right my hands were filthy but I was trying to sneak so she would not look at me. I turned my head before she had a chance to see me and went up to wash my hands. There was no reason to go back for the cookie so I went and bought munchies at the store.

It was going to get harder to make money now that there were 4 of us and I was busy with my baseball practicing so I told Timmy I was done going to the Drive-In. That was the last time we all went. I started babysitting for money and Timmy had gotten a job at the drug store shortly after.

Chapter 20

Crash Course in French

I was finally earning more money than ever. Now that I was babysitting and making $1.00 an hour I was able to spoil myself. Most of my money was going towards smokes. The prices had gone up and I was making a little more than the cost of smokes a week.

At this time I was smoking weed now to and started to depend on that almost just as much as cigarettes. If it weren’t for my friends pitching or taking turns buying I would have to quit one or the other. Choosing between the two would be very difficult.

We were always happy to baby-sit for #31 Susan. Susan had two kids but her home was known for selling weed when you want some.

She had two of the cutest boys and although her home had a bad reputation for being the party house her kids were happy and always well dressed, she was always tired looking with matted Sandy Brown hair, you can tell it was because most of her time was spent taking care of her two little boys and staying up late to party after their bed time.

Scotty was ten and very well mannered. His eyes almost looked as they changed colour in the light and he had straight boy cut blonde hair. He was very protective over his little brother Ben and made sure Ben was with him at all times. Ben was 8 and very thin but ate very well. He was a preemie baby and Sharon always made sure to tell anyone met. Ben’s hair was curly and almost black we often wondered if they had the same father but never asked.

It was always great if she asked you to baby-sit. I would always get paid $10.00 no matter how long she needed me. My bonus would be when she called me in the kitchen and on top of her kitchen window was a pot plant. At the end of the night that was my bonus a nice big.

Word got out that I was a great babysitter and I became more and more demanding. The phone rang and I overheard my mom talking in French. After she hung up the phone she called me in the kitchen. There was a lady she had met at the school looking for a babysitter. I had never watched stranger’s kids before and my mom knew this. She was a pleaser and if it meant she was going to offer my services she would do it.

At times it was more a favour to me when she found me a babysitting job but this time it was different they were strangers. She hung up the phone and looked at me. "Mom I don’t like that look" As I was listening to her explaining how desperate this lady was and that she

would pay very well I could not resist. I had one more question and it was a done deal, "mom why were you speaking to her in French.” One more thing" she said preparing to strip any chances she had of my saying yes, I knew there had to be something.” They are completely French but the mother understands some English“.

I hated French and never liked the accent either. "What?”, “how am I supposed to communicate with this boy“. “Oh come on she said you'll figure it out“. My mother always had to feel good about helping a neighbour so I agreed to baby-sit.

The mother came to pick me up at 6:00 and when I saw the car that pulled up it felt like I was about to meet a real rich person for the first time. She was driving a beautiful black sports car; my brothers were looking out the window arguing over the make. It was between a Lemans or grand is either way it was beautiful. As I was about to get in the car a tall beautiful blonde lady wearing sunglasses and white Gauchos and a silk baby blue dress shirt , high heels to make up for her height, opened the car door.

The boys could not wait to get out and talk to her Bobby and Tommy were the only two that spoke French and did not stop chatting for almost 5min before my mother

came out to say hello. Finally I thought my mom is here to save the day. I could tell the lady was already not feeling very comfortable. Tommy kept putting his face to the window to see the inside and the lady was not about to open the door for him to get in. My mother and her spoke French to each other and repeated in English to reassure me that if I have a hard time speaking to the boy my mom would stay by her phone. That made me feels much better.

As we pulled up to her house it was like a mansion. A beautiful square like home with white brick exterior that matched the inside of the house. After they left the young 4 year old with cute chubby cheeks that I kept squeezing all night and pug nose with cauliflower ears, spoke French although I could not understand a word`, his voice made me melt. He was so cute.

He could not wait to take me for a tour. But I could not wait for his bedtime so I could enjoy heir big screen coloured TV. When he brought me in the kitchen I immediately wanted the family to adopt me. The fridge and stove was stainless steel and had an icemaker. I had never even heard of an icemaker in the fridge. Then just to pour a glass of water was complicated. There was a garbage disposal in

the kitchen sink. It was really hard for me to understand what the boy was trying to tell me so he demonstrated with a core from the apple he was eating.

This was the coolest day ever I thought. He wasn’t done showing me around right down to the game room in the basement. The whole night was like a tour of the Queens home for me. Easy money in my pocket it was finally the little boy’s bed time and my movie was just getting started. When I got home I had made $20.00 for two hours work. Tammy and I stayed up talking almost all night about the fun I had and money I made.

The next day I had wanted so badly to own my own pet and a neighbour had been giving a bird cage away for free. All the ladies from the community centre were talking while teaching us how to macramé. The material was very picky but it was almost like braiding hair. I could not help but to overhear the story about a lady's budgie dying and how she had him so well trained he even spoke. "Mom I want a budgie can we ask the lady for her cage" I blurted out forgetting about my mom’s golden rule; kids are to be seen and not heard. My mom insisted that I would not take care of him but with allot of wining and convincing she finally said yes. My $20.00 was about to bring years of happiness.

Chapter 21

Money Well Spent

Bridget was coming with me to the pet store. The lady who gave me the cage told me all about what to watch out for when buying a bird. There were so many to choose from but I just kept telling myself to take my time. One bird stood out more than ever and not because of his looks. He was sitting on a perch just singing away as if there were no other birds in the cage with him.

He had all the means of training. He was young I could tell because of the lines at the very front of his head also males were easier to train and this bird was a male. "What about that one as we pointed to the green budgie that was singing." We both said it at the same time. Out of nowhere Bridget punched me "Owe me a coke" I hated that game my friends never held back on their punches especially Bridget. But I really didn’t care this time I was to overwhelm with hoping I picked the right bird.

It cost me just under $20.00 by the time I bought all the necessary items. I didn’t even have enough for a pack of smokes but this time I didn’t care. Having a pet meant way more to me. Also we were able to buy cigarettes for 10 cents each at the corner store. When I

got home Charlie was getting allot of attention. Not the kind of attention I wanted for him. Trevor and Timmy kept flicking the cage and pretending like there was an earthquake to get a reaction. I named him Charlie and once the excitement was all over I took him to my room to prepare for training.

Every day after school I would repeat the same words over and over again hoping someday he will repeat it back. My mother was downstairs calling me for supper the time went so fast he was so amazing to look at that I hadn’t even went out to play. Just as I was about to leave my room for supper it happened, almost as if he wanted me to stay. As I was turning the bedroom door handle he started making some very strange sounds like he was trying to say something.

I heard what I thought sounded like pretty but could not make it out clearly. That was enough for me to get really hyped. "Tracy" my mother called me again "Since she's got that dam bird "I swear she has become a birdbrain herself" she always said something to that affect with anything I had done. But this time I was feeling too good to care and although I didn’t want to speak to soon I knew that day was coming where all my hard word was about to pay off and Charlie was going to

say his first word. I ate my dinner really fast skipped dessert. It was rice pudding not my favourite and went back up for more training.

Just when I was getting ready to go to school for some strange reason my mom wanted me to bring Charlie down for the day. I think she was feeling down and needed Charlie to perk her up. Her excuse was that my room was cold and it was much warmer in the kitchen with the oven on.

As soon as I put him on our old freezer in the kitchen my mom started calling him and the whole time I was getting ready for school I was answering all her question; how can you tell if he is a girl or boy, should you be cutting his nails, does he take a bath in his new tub.

I loved that my mother wanted to know everything about Charlie. It started feeling like we had been bonding with our new family member. I was in a hurry and my mother was still asking about Charlie,” mom I have to go my friends are waiting" I felt bad that I spoke to her like that but I was frustrated was in a hurry and was more upset that I couldn’t stay and talk.

Charlie’s First Words

On our way home the bus a bunch of immature boys and girls drooling all over each other. My mother always

said you should never make-out in public. I could understand why. We were just entering our first year of High school and that meant we were taking the oc transpo, the bus was so packed, there was one couple that were all hands with each other and they looked like they were trying to exchange tongues. They kept bumping into this elderly man and laughing. Now I knew why my mother said that,

I felt for the elderly man and how uncomfortable it must have been for him. All I wanted to do was get back home to make sure my Charlie was ok.

I came running through the hallway into the kitchen. My mother was having tea with Carol, this was nothing unusual at this time they would always get together and wait for their kids to get home. "Well there you are" I looked at her puzzled I knew I wasn’t late and since when does my mother even notices me coming home from school.

My mother spent most of her time with her friends; it was very hard to even tell her about our day without one of them talking like we weren’t even there. Without a thought or even a hello I went straight to Charlie, "Pretty Bird" I mother said” so when were you going to tell me that Charlie started talking.

"Really what did he say" now I knew I wasn’t crazy if my mom says she heard him say pretty then it is confirmed Charlie is talking. "You mean you didn’t know" she then walked to the cage and spoke to Charlie "pretty” tells Tracy. No one would ever think a bird is going to talk on demand so I started to walk away thinking my mom was pulling my leg. It was clear and by now I knew Charlie’s little rough voice "pretty he said so clear and undeniable.’ He spoke" I was so happy I started crying as if I was so relieved that all my hard work paid off. I ran towards my mom and gave her the biggest hug ever.

I was taking Charlie to back to my room," where are you going with him" my mom asked. "He is not staying here with Trevor and his friends, I’m taking him back

upstairs" I said. It didn’t take much convincing from my mom to leave him in the kitchen. I knew she really liked having Charlie around. “Ok Charlie you stay and keep my mom company. I wanted so badly to tell my friends all about him anyway. I then made my mom promise she would keep my brothers away from the cage. That was when Charlie became part of the family and had no problems adjusting.

Sherry and I started hanging around one on one more often. Cathy was never around and when she was we were always taking care of her because she had either been drinking or taking uppers, called pink hearts to stay awake at school. Bridget had a new boyfriend which meant if we were with her he wood is not too much further behind. I never really liked him. His name was John and he always looked strung out. I never really found him good looking, his face was an oddly flat look and his freckles stood out like a map of his face.

I had good reason for not liking him. Bridget would constantly remind us that John didn’t like her in Jeans and he always wanted her alone so usually our time spent was small chit chat and they were on their way. At times he would even take her by the arm if our conversations were taking too long. But she somehow enjoyed that he wanted her all to himself.

Sherry was really into her school work and always had to study. I felt really bad for her and at times tried to get

her out but I understood why she didn’t want to leave the house.

Chapter 22

I Wish I Learned To Keep My Trap Shut

My first class of the day was the worst Gym "Yuck" hated to change in front of all those B and C cups will I was just getting into a cup. How embarrassing it was getting to a point where I wanted to stuff myself just to fit in.

Our Gym teacher had the reputation of being Gay and never allowed the girls to change in the washroom. It’s important to be proud of who you are physically and mentally. Every time she would leave the change room we would start talking about how she just wanted to sneak a peek at us girls changing. I never had much for her to peak at but was not about to share that with the girls.

Running was my weakness in Gym and no matter how much I struggled to breathe my gym teacher cared less. Instead she would laugh “I guess we know who the smokers are of the group”. I was so mad, “it’s not smoking it’s my asthma”. I never had much respect for teachers that centered me out. I sat on the bench and refused to run anymore. I wish I would learn to keep my mouth shut. `Come hear young Lady`` I slowly walked towards her trying to think of what to say. `Maybe you need a lesson on what smoking does to your body`` she then gave me a five hundred word essay.

My Gym Teacher cared less about our health but always managed to get the parents on her side. I could not wait for school to end that day. My evening was going to be much better. My friends and I had planned on going to the indoor roller skate Disco and the boys were all going to be there.

My plans were ruined and I knew it. My mother was gossiping about a phone call she had with the teacher. I knew this time it was about me. “Is that you Tracy” my mom yelled from the kitchen. “Yeah why” I was still hoping the phone call was not about me. “Get upstairs young lady I will deal with you later”.

As much as I wanted to make a scene I knew my mom’s friends would have enjoyed the action. “Yeah Yeah whatever mom”.

After my mother’s friends left she came up to my room to talk to me. I told her everything from my embarrassment changing in the change room to running and not being able to breath. My mother handed me another book, only this time on smoking.

After we talked my mom actually understood me and started telling me a story about her younger years and reassured me that my boobs would grow. As she was leaving the room I asked her if I was still able to go to the roller derby.” You think about what we talked about and read that book front to back”. I knew it was going to

take forever but rather than argue I agreed. Although I may not have read the whole book I was ready for any questions my mother may have.

I knew my mother had to ground me for my actions and the thought how great it felt that she understood me; somehow I felt I had to do the same.

Chapter 23

Never Leave Two Young Teen’s alone

As we arrived at Donna's I could already smelled supper cooking from outside. Patricia was Italian and that meant homemade pasta for me. My favourite was dessert, pat always felt the need to spoil Donna’s friends especially me. When she brought out the tiramisus for dessert I was so full, but no way was I going to turn down her dessert. It was hard to decide what was better supper or dessert.

That night we had so much fun her mother was telling us all about the Italian language of love. She was so funny and Donna and I needed no drugs that night to have fun. Then we watched TV but never paid too much attention to it because Donna and I had the same bad habit we loved to talk and talked all night it was almost 3 in the morning before we finally went upstairs to sleep. Her room was Beautiful and filled with special porcelain dolls and white French furniture. The comforter on her bed was a Light green and matched really well with all the accessories on the wall.

The next morning we both could not wait to start the day. Pat was on her way to do some shopping and that was about to be the first mistake of the day. Leaving two overtired and happy go lucky teens alone.

We decided it was time to practice high jumping so we took her mom’s broom and as I held it up Donna was clearing the stick of the broom and landing on her bed for the mattress to land on. After her 5th try it was my turn. She laughed and held the broom up pretty high” Lower, Lower" as the stick of the broom was on the bed I laughed and took a running leap snapping the broom in half. “I’m sorry so sorry" I looked at Donna waiting for her to panic over her mom’s reaction. "Don’t be silly Tracy it’s just a broom."

Now we were running out of things to do and her cat snowball because he was all white of course was looking a little too comfortable. "Hey want to help me bath the cat.” Sure but don’t they clean themselves I asked. "Yeah with their tongues Grosse" Donna jumped up and grabbed the cat "come on, let’s go" As soon as the water started running the cat took off. By the time we found him the water was just about to flow over. "Ok, put him in" Not expecting the cat to leaped in and out of the bath so fast the water was everywhere.

Donna was going to get some shampoo will I held snowball wrapped in a towel so to escape. The door opened and snowball’s nail caught my stomach. I reacted without thinking and threw him off me. It was too late he escaped again as soon as I let him go Donna had opened the door to come back in. Only this time snowball was soaking wet and ran through the entire house. There was such a huge water mess I suggested

to Donna that we clean up the water.” Don’t” worry about it my mom will clean it up later" almost as if she really cared less about getting in trouble.

Her mother came home will we were across the street playing at the park and singing all our favourite love songs from Meatloaf and The Rolling stones. Her mother saw us across the street as she got closer I knew she was angry. How Could she not, the cat was still wet and there was water all over her house. Not to mention all I could think about was her reaction to the broken broom in the closet. "OH OH" what Donna said and stopped in the middle of singing her song and watched her mom walking across the street. Donna didn’t even flinch. "Before you start yelling mom it was an accident" her mother was in no mood for excuses. "Accident or not you get in there and clean up that mess right now" at this point I'm sure Donna knew better then to argue and we followed her mother back to the house.

Nothing was said until about ten minutes in to our cleaning" Oh my god Donna how did you manage to break the broom. Her mother supported her when it came to after school programs so gave us a few better suggestions for next time and let us off the hook. It was time for me to go home and Pat was driving. I kept apologizing all the way home. Finally Pat turned her head and gave me a smile” kids will be kids Tracy stop apologizing" she then looked at Donna and explained that it will be a long time before us girls were ever to be left alone again. I was more

than happy to hear her say that because that meant I was welcome again.

Chapter 25

Base Ball at Its Best

It was a beautiful sonny day and my friends and I decided to get one last practice in before our big game. We managed to round up enough boys and girls to play an actual game. It started with picking the team captains and this was done with a bat.

We would illuminate each person one by one until there were only two of us left. Someone would throw the bat in the air and two at a time one caught the bat and then the other followed by pacing their hand above their opponent then one hand on top of the other whoever could cover the to thin part of the bat was still in the game for captain.

I won captain for the girls and John Juju boyfriend won for the boys. We were better and knew it. I could not wait to beat team John’s team. It was the ninth inning and the sun had turned into clouds before we knew it the rain was coming down fast and furious. The boys started running in the mud and sliding to first. Nothing was going to stop our fun not even the rain.

When we were all finished showing the boys how good we were, winning 10 to 3 we realized how muddy and soaked we were. Debbie was new in the project and anxious to make friends. During the game we started to

get to know more about her and included her as part of our group.

She was your average pretty girl with shoulder length brown hair and she dressed not to impress, you’re rolled up jeans and T-shirt .Not to mention her Brother Serge was a cutie. Although by this time I was dating Sonny I still had no problem with flirting and brushed up against serge every chance I got.

We were all trying to think of ways to pass our mothers without or muddy clothes. This was very hard to do without a nosey neighbour noticing. I wasn’t worried about my mother because she would just tell me to change and put my clothes in the washer. Cathy and Bridget were worried the most. Bridget s dad was French and a clean freak. You would not think a single dad was so spic and span clean but his house sparkled when you walked in. `

Bridget and I use to laugh and joke about our parents getting together but my mother was never into dating and Lionel that was Bridget dad tried every chance he got. But it was never going to happen. It wasn’t his looks; he was a gentleman every time he was around my mother. I always thought it was because he looked too much like my dad, almost bald and tall and very skinny. It also did not help that when Lionel got mad the whole neighbourhood can hear him.

Debbie had a great idea and invited us to her place to get cleaned up. Both her parents were at work and were working the evening shift. We all got together and headed for derbies the boys were on their own.

We all stripped off our pants and sat in the basement listening to Debbie tell us why they had to move. They had a house fire and no insurance, lost everything; she told us how the community got together and helped them with food and clothes also a fundraiser for money to help buy furniture. They had a beautiful home. She showed us pictures of the white picket fence dream house I always wished I lived in. There was always a good story if a couple moved in and had a two working family home. Some parents lost a good job others were just moving from another city trying to settle in. Either way her story was the most interesting by far.

As we were waiting for the clothes to dry I heard the door open. I was sure I had heard my sister’s voice. Tammy and I barely crossed paths except to argue and I knew she was hanging around with Darlene Debbie’s sister. Tammy and Darlene got halfway down the stairs before Debbie started yelling at Darlene "get back upstairs". It felt good to know there was someone else out there that hated hanging out with their baby sister. "Why what are you guys doing".

She was just like Tammy and never listened. Darlene saw us all sitting in our underwear and muddy clothes

everywhere. "I’m telling mom you’re not even supposed to have any friends in" Debbie had no choice but to invite Tammy and her down to tell the story of our muddy clothes. Now Darlene cannot say anything she had her friend in to.

Chapter 25

Wayne’s Angels

The next day I had been feeling very ill and there was no way I was going to make it to the baseball tournament. I was devastated I was back catcher and very good. Debbie had played a good game yesterday and I did not want to leave my team short a player it was already hard enough to put a team together this year.

Last year our favourite coach had passed away and we had little confidence that there was another coach as good as him. His name was Wayne and in his honour we all got Jerseys that had Wayne’s angels were light blue with dark blue Print. His ex-wife stepped up and offered to coach the team in his honour and purchased the t shirts with her own money.

They had separated and she was living out of the projects by herself will he raised their two kids, she had moved back in the neighbourhood to be there for her 2 children.

We knew very little about the coach until Genie that was her name, shared some great stories and had us tearing up on the first day of Practice. Genie was very tall and slim she had a tan coloured complextion and was very tall, we used to tease her and ask why she never

coached basketball. She would laugh and say I like smaller balls what can I tell you.

I had called Debbie to explain that I need her to go in my pace and she was more than happy to do it. We had already won second last year and I knew this was our time to shine. Everyone was at my house that day and preparing for the big game. This was Sandy’s my sisters first year playing and if I was not a part of the Victory at least I knew the Trophy that we worked so hard to get throughout the year, still had a chance to show off the trophy and my name was still to be on the plaque. Tammy was good but way to cocky her first year playing and she thought she was better than anyone just because she was chosen for first base. That was ok by me as long as she played her best and remembered who taught her how to throw and catch before joining. It certainly wasn’t Timmy since there last disagreement at the diamond. I reminded every day that she was lucky to have a great teacher like me.

I was starting to feel a little better towards the end of the day and by now that had still not gotten back home. This can only mean that they had made it to the finals. My brother Timmy offered to go with me by bus to be there and support my team. When we got there the team was so excited to see me.

After telling me how great the last game was and explained that they watched the team they are up

against next and they were very good. "Now worries your biggest fans are here" I then wrapped my arms around Timmy "what do you think bro have a good strong voice". The challenge was to yell louder then there cheering section and that was very hard to do without allot on our side.

A few others joined our cheering section and we would stand up each time one by one each time one went up for bat we would shout as loud as we can "hey batter swing" worked like a charm, then when we were up bat the whole team got together and shouted "pitchers got a rubber arm". The other team of course tried to copy but we were ready and wanted this game bad.

It was last inning bottom of the 9th and bases were loaded Bridget was our best hitter. We knew we had the game even if she didn’t hit a grand slam we knew she was going to at least get to 1st base bringing in the winning run. Bridget never held back first pitch and the ball was grounded centre field. She was the Hero of the game and everyone ran to pick her up as a sign of victory.

As the bus drove up to the community centre our fans were waiting patiently to see if we won. Nothing like pulling a prank on a bunch of gullible adult’s Bridget waited on the bus with the trophy and we all got off with frowns of disappointment. Everyone was trying to cheer us up. Bridget couldn’t hold her excitement any longer. The trophy was so big and heavy it covered Bridget face

will she was stepping of the bus. We were more than happy to give Bridget the spotlight and praised how well she played.

Bridget won most valuable player voted by her own team, and I won most improved. That was the last year and best year of baseball. After that year we joined as friends and would play for fun.

Chapter 26

Don’t Wait For Forgiveness

Now our group was getting smaller and Debbie, Donna and I had some great times when we hung out. Then it happened Donna had a new boyfriend and my friendship with Debbie became great friends. Cathy lived next door to Debbie and never really liked her. Every time I would go to Debbie’s door Cathy would peak her head out but rarely said Hello. Cathy and I were very good friends and although we never talked as much she would still make an effort to stop by at the house once in a while and we always had lunch together at school.

As I was sitting at the kitchen table listening to the latest gossip from my mother and friend’s Charlie was a bit of an instigator someone had taught him this day to say Carols Drunk. That was all it took for the ladies to have something to talk about. Carol was getting worse and her house was so bad she was facing eviction.

Every year the inspection crew would do maintenance routine checks. The gossip was that carols house was considered a health and fire violation and she had less than a month to clean it.

Although they hadn’t had many nice things to say about Carol, when it came down to it they cared enough to get a cleaning crew together and help carol clean her house. Cathy had come to the door right at the best part

of the conversation they switched from the conversation of carol to how smart Charlie was, by now Charlie was repeating anything he heard and constantly trying to mate with a plastic bird. He was quite entertaining and I loved to show him off.

I picked up Charlie and invited Joanne up to my room "come on Cathy I said lets go to my room and let Charlie fly around. Then we decided to get as many friends together and go hang out at our favourite hiding place the hole in the field surrounded by trees, whenever we got the chance to all get together, we would steal the milk crates from the back of our favourite corner store and party with pot, cigs and whenever Cathy was around Alcohol.

I was never much for alcohol could never adjust to the taste but joined in and shared whenever we got together. It was nice to finally all get together we first called Bridget then told her to get Sherry to come with her. Donna was going to join us after her homework. It was a great time because all the boys were out playing street hockey and we knew we were going to have a girly chat about the Boys and who was the cutest, best kisser, and most popular.

Everyone else but the Debbie got together in the field and it never took long for us to feel the effects of pot and alcohol. Cathy started putting my friend Debbie down and was trying so hard to get me to call her and tell her to meet us in the field.

When Cathy got to feeling good she had to release allot of anger. I deliberately chose not to invite Debbie because she and Cathy never really liked each other. I knew Cathy was a bit Jealous that Debbie and I had become such great friends. After a few sips of alcohol and some pot Cathy started convincing me that Debbie was nothing but a bitch and was telling Stories about me. She had me so convinced that I started to get angry towards Debbie.

That’s when the plan came into action. It was time to teach Debbie a lesson she will never forget. My mom was out doing her regular chores, paying bills, groceries and then she and Dianne would go for lunch.

Dianne was a really nice lady and always had nothing but nice things to say about everyone. Also she was always there for my mom whether she needed a drive or had to do groceries. She was happily married but only because she accepted the fact that her husband was an alcoholic. You could tell the money went for alcohol rather than food by the bones that stood out from her shoulders and her tired sunken eyes. The best part was my mom’s weekly trips to bingo with Dianne. My mother

would always come back with a smile win or lose, not to mention we could do allot more when my mother wasn’t around.

We decided to go back to my house and now that I was so angry and convinced that Debbie was two faced I agreed to call her over. As I was dialling the phone I was feeling so much power and my adrenaline was rushing quicker than my thoughts. All my friends were in the kitchen and I was dialling her number;” she "there was too much taking in the background and I was supposed to convince Debbie to come and hang out. I wanted to confront her so bad and could not wait to see the look on her face when she noticed Joanne in the kitchen.

Debbie finally arrived and my evil plan to make her feel so low by confronting her in front of all my friends. Now everyone was in the backyard and Debbie had no idea. We were in the Kitchen so the girls could hear everything, "Hey Debbie" I said barely holding back my words " I heard you were telling stories about me behind my back" "what " "who said this that bitch Cathy you know she can’t stand me" the alcohol was starting to ward off and I began to feel bad realized she was right". Things got totally out of control when she looked outside and saw all the girls out listening in the back yard. Just as she was about to open the Door Cathy stood up ready and willing to finally have her fighting match with Debbie. Although I felt bad they were going to fight eventually while crossing paths so I guess I just helped get it started.

Fighting was nothing and as they started pushing and shoving each other the scrapping began. It had been a while since I've seen a good fight and was looking forward to seeing who the tougher one was. They were rolling all over the ground and Debbie had finally looked like she had won the fight. Cathy was tough and never liked to lose. Suddenly Cathy got up and put her hand out to shake on a good match.

Finally its over I thought, that was right before Cathy pulled Debbie in pretending to give a friendly hand shake but before anyone had a chance to blink she wrapped derbies arm back being her neck forcing Debbie to bend down and kneed her square in the face. The Blood was pouring from Debbie’s nose; I had never seen so much blood by now Debbie’s father had heard Debbie was in a fight. He saw the whole thing from a distance. I was so worried about Debbie and ashamed that I was any part of it, the sight of her father was a relief. Kids scattered everywhere.

Dan was a big man with a bigger temper. He quickly took his shirt off to help with the bleeding and no matter how mad he was I could not leave." I'm so sorry Debbie" I was trying to get her to look at me and tell me it was ok, I just needed to know that she forgave me. Finally Dan physically moved me out of the way with his shoulder "yeah you call yourself a friend, crying is not going to stop the bleeding is it". I cried myself to sleep that night and could not wait for confession to ask God

for forgiveness knowing it was not fair to ask Debbie that would be hard for even me to forgive.

I have had many fights but never was hit in the face enough to draw blood. Lost as many fights as I won. The worst was in the cold winter months in the field at school. Lisa I would refer to as a red headed bitch! Most red heads in school held true in my opinion, I can understand their anger, and carrot head was the most popular.

She and I had fought over a boy named Andy; He wore thick black rimmed glasses with freckles but had a nice confidence about him and always made me laugh. She won that fight hands down, it was hard to fight in the cold Lisa had me pinned to the ground, I had no mitts on and she held my hands in the snow till my hands were frostbitten. The school bell rang and as I was finally able to get up my boot was caught in the snow. That was my worst fight ever it took almost 10min with my frozen hands and now foot to finally dig out my boot from the snow.

Another time Bridget and I fought over a pair of brown corduroy pants. We were rolling around in my living room. Peter and my brother Pat had been coaching us;

“put her in a headlock” Kevin would shout at me as if he was my wrestling coach.

Peter would laugh at Bridget his sister telling her to smother me. That’s when we broke out in tears from laughter and could no longer fight. When it was all over Bridget and I shook hands and I gave her back the cords. That was my best fight.

After witnessing the blood pouring from Debbie’s nose it made me realize that fighting was no longer for me.

The next morning I had heard that Debbie’s nose was broken and her face was pretty badly bruised, I had to go see her. Debbie came to the door “what are you doing here” she said not in a very pleasant happy to see you way. Then I heard her father yelling “is that the Rake kid” and before he got to the door Debbie gave me her most stuck up look and said “ does it look like I’m ok” then had a few choice words to share and slammed her door. That was the last time we hung out. I knew she was ok and truthfully that’s all I needed to know to get rid of the knots of guilt in my stomach.

Who could blame her for not wanting me as a friend?

Chapter 28

You Worry Too Much

I never liked school and often wished I could be more like Bridget and Cathy, they skipped school all the time. My mother worried way too much and as angry as I got at my mother for making me go to school I could not stand the thought of her worrying. Probably because of all the nervous breakdowns she had had in the past. I remember Kevin had never made it to school and when we would come home from school she would be frantically making phone calls trying to track Kevin down. She had worried so much about us kids and our safety.

One time we came home from school and my mother was gone only not just for a couple of hours. We came in the door from school and this short little dark haired lady was waiting on the couch for all of us to get home. We knew something was wrong her name was Mrs. McCoy and we knew her very well she was one of my mom’s regular homemakers.

She began to explain that my mother was going to stay at the hospital for a couple of days to get some rest. She was always on the go. My mother had a fulltime and Part-time job taking care of 6 very high energy children.

That was the best time ever having a homemaker. She also had a big family but lots of money and a very big house. Her husband must have had a very good job. It

was so fun we were at the kitchen table and table manners was not something my mother ever really cared to teach, who would ever invite 6 kids and my mother out for dinner, so I guesses she never gave it much thought. Although you would never want to get caught chewing with your mouth open.

“Tracy so strong and able gets your elbow off the table" her whole family would sing this song if any of us was caught with our elbows on the table. We laughed so hard playing catch me you can, the attention was great. Then we all together with her 4 kids and the 5 of us went to the big game room they had in the basement we played pool all night and I was pretty good. Tammy and her youngest girl had been playing with cartoon stickers that her dad brought from work. I am sure Mrs. Mc Key regretted because the next morning she was picking all the stickers offs her fridge, stove and walls.

My mother had finally come home and everything went back to normal, the fighting, cleaning, bills and unfortunately the worrying.

All my friends and I were standing at the bus stop regretting another long boring day at school, Donna was feeling daring. "Want to go to my house Bridget," she turned her head quickly "Ah hello school did you forget". "Oh like you never skipped school." Donna laughed. At first I thought Donna meant after school but it was certain after Bridget and her conversation she was

talking about skipping school. That adrenaline rush was coming on strong and I really did not want to go to school. So I agreed to go to Donna's, Cathy and Bridget was going to meet us at Bayshore after morning classes. They both had exams coming up and could not afford to miss English Bridget and Cathy were in all the same classes so it was much easier for them to plan a day of skipping. That was the plan.

We were sitting on the bus laughing and giggling about what our parents would do if we get caught. I began to get very nervous, my mother already worried too much and she would be sick to her stomach if the school called. Especially because I still had a very serious disease the doctors knew very little about. "Donna I have to call my mom when we get to your place.” I said right in the middle of having fun. "What" her face became still "Tracy what are you talking about" she then continued to explain reasons why I could not call my mother.

After listening to reasons such as grounding, detention and not getting to go on the New York trip the School had been planning. I realized she was right there is too much to lose. After about 10 minutes I still could not stop thinking about my mother worrying. We were at Donna’s house and I just kept thinking one call to my mom I'll make up a good story. That way I could stop worrying, “Wow” I thought to myself. Now I knew what it felt like to worry so much.

Donna had gone to the washroom and although I knew I was going to get in trouble I had to call my mother. I just started dialling my number when Donna came in the kitchen. I quickly put my finger to her mouth and whispered "shish". My mom answered now I am nervous I just know my excuse is a bad one.

By now it had been almost an hour before lunch. My voice was shaking "mom I’m not at school" she paused as if she were relieved that I called "Tracy I am not stupid but that doesn’t say much for you". "The school already called , never mind your excuses and get home now" She was stern and very upset" I covered the phone trying to think of what to say, now I felt worse because I was leaving Donna alone. "What do I say" I whispered to Donna. She understood and before saying anything we could hear my mom and her voice was now loud and clear that she meant business. “Do you hear me Tracy Ann Radke" that was never good when she called me by my whole name. Although I felt really bad leaving Donna on her own I knew she was still going to have fun at Bay shore with Bridget and Cathy in just a couple of hours.

As I entered through the back entrance my mom was at the table with the biggest gossiper, Berta Stacey. They were having a great conversation at my expense. Now I was angry, "having a nice conversation again about me mom" I was so mad now the biggest gossiper was going

to tell the whole neighbourhood. "Why don’t you just call the Journal" I had a mouth back then and never held back when it came to Berta. My mother stood up and grabbed me by the arm marching me to my room "you are unbelievable young lady" all the worrying was forgotten and I was about to regret not listening to Donna. That was the first time I had ever seen my mother get so mad and had hoped to never experience that again. Lost all privileges and although I knew my mother did not have the money for my trip she had plenty other punishments to make sure I would never skip school again.

It was one week later before I finally got to tell my friends what happened and still very fresh in my mind. I was grounded from phone calls, going outside and no TV. My mother even made sure that I was dropped off at the office and that s also where I spent my recess, and lunch. She had already lost the right path for pat and was not about to make that mistake twice.

It was a good thing I had Charlie to keep me company and plenty new words for him to learn. It was payback that could never be proved. "Hey Fatso" then follow with "the news lady’s here" he was amazingly funny and so easy to train. Wait till my mother and Bev hear his new words, I found my own excitement will in my room and although it was bad I wasn’t hurting anyone not even myself.

Chapter 28

A Family United

It was Christmas morning and we all could not wait to see my mother open her present. We all were trying to decide on a gift for my mom. Brent came up with a great idea "let’s buy mom a family ring".

That was probably the first time Brent and I was in the same room and never argued once. This was a team effort; we all had been saving money for weeks, collecting pop bottles, Christmas carolling that was so much fun! And doing chores for the neighbour’s We saved a total of $178.00 which was just enough to buy my mom’s ring with just enough money to buy us all a small treat of our choice. We were very proud and for the first time ever it brought my family together.

Today was the big day; my mom was going to open her present. When we got up my mom was still resting on the couch. We all knew my mom was drinking and she was in no mood to sit up. "Mommy, "mommy,” Tammy couldn’t wait. Although for the most part we always got second hand toys.

My mom could barely raise her head she had such a bad hangover. Timmy of course was all about teaching people a lesson for not being able to handle their booze. He would grab her arm and try to pull her off the couch "come on mom waky waky" "did somebody have too much to drink last night``. My mom never drank all that

much and when she did she rarely drank enough for a hangover. We were laughing and although my mother had a hangover she knew that there was no getting mad on Christmas day. Kevin was down for the Holidays.

It was so nice to have the whole family together I really missed Kevin. He took a windup toy car and started to let it ride on my mom will she was laying on her back. We all laughed so hard it was the best Christmas ever and we all knew that when my mom opened her present she was also going to think so.

We then all gathered around the tree waiting for our name to be called so we can pick the gift of choice to unwrap. One by One we would reach under the tree and pick the gift of our choice. Then we’d watch each other’s expression once our gift was revealed. It was special everyone loved Christmas we were never greedy and any gift was a good one.

This year all I wanted was clothes, make-up, and music. I was too old for toys. Admit tingly I loved still playing with toys so I would always help Tammy her Christmas list. She wanted a head doll, baby doll, and a Barbie plane. "I was so lucky to have a spoiled brat for a sister sometimes it came in handy. This was my lucky year as well I got everything I wanted right down to my toe socks. Then I would go upstairs and play Barbie with Tammy and practice making up the head doll.

Now it’s my mother’s turn and we could not wait. She would always say "Oh you kids did not have to buy me anything" just being together is what matters. This was one year we knew she was going to be very happy we bought her a gift. As we handed her a big box with gold wrapping paper and a big red bow. My mom said" what did you kids go out and do this time."

We never ever bought a gift from all of us, so when she read the tag, it was like she had known before even opening the gift what it was. Then she looked at each of us with a huge tear rolling down her cheek, this means more to me then what’s inside the box.

We knew she was talking about how we teamed together as a family to buy her gift. It was amazing she finally got through all the newspaper and found a tiny white box. When she opened it and saw the family ring she almost fell to her knees, maybe it was the headache, but she sure cried. So much it took her almost 10min before she could say anything.

This was a memory that we all shared together.

Acknowledgement

I never grew up rich in money but very rich when it came to family and friends.

I recently lost my mother to congestive heart failure on June.4/2012 “rest in peace mama! “ My mother is the strongest person I know, love .and miss dearly. No matter how great her challenges were in life, she always kept her strength and courage but most of all her smile. She will never be forgotten.

My mother was the kind of person that truly believed God does not give you a challenge you cannot handle. She lived up to all the lessons and values taught by her mother.

These lessons were carried throughout our lives. Always take life like a grain of salt, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth? They must have needed it more then you, take it one day at a time, everything happens for a reason , money can’t buy love, be care full what you wish for and my favorite ever Life is a gift and we should all Cherish it. I am sure we all heard these phrases at one time in our life along with many others but which ones do we believe and live by every day.

When my mom passed away I was numb, not sure how I should feel. I feel very fortunate that my mother gave me the greatest gift.

When Charlie the family bird died I felt so much pain. It wasn’t until my mother became very frustrated but mostly concerned for me. She at first spoke in a very stern matter “he’s gone Cathy! There is nothing you can do to bring him back! “I cried so hard my mother realized her approach was the wrong one.

She then sat beside me wrapped me in her arms and said” You know sweetie you will always have thoughts and memories of Charlie and it’s the great memories that keep you smiling and him alive in your heart.

Throughout my life I have also been fortunate to grow up with some of the best of friends. We all have been raised with many different lessons and values in life and having so many friends touch my life, I have been blessed with so much more, You cannot change the past, Only you can decide what’s best, Who cares what she thinks, Just do the best you can, You have to have confidence in yourself, You can do anything if you put your mind to it, You have what it takes, and my favorite one to live by Do Something about it.

This book shares several short stories that are fact and fiction but the morals, values, lessons and challenges in life most people can relate through their own memories. There is good in everyone some just have not been as fortunate and blessed as others.

The Beginning of a new Journey

My mother made the decision to leave my dad and raise the 6 of us all on her own. My only memory of my father I have is on the train looking out the window with tears rolling down my face and my father with a smoke in his hand, wiping tears from his face between every drag. What was happening, why was my dad crying? I just curled up to my mom who I needed most. The strange thing was not a tear on my mom’s face. Things were going to be ok; I felt it somehow and rolled in a ball next to my mom. Her arms brought me closer and in seconds I stopped crying.