My Answer is No

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MY ANSWER IS NO – IF THAT’SOKAY WITH YOU

(How women can say NO withconfidence)

MUNIRAH MUHAMED PADZILLAW REVISION AND REFORM DIVISION15 JULY 2011

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One syllable. Two letters. A complete sentence. One of the shortest words in the English language, yet one of

the most difficult for women to say.

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SOUNDS FAMILIAR?

Do you have trouble saying NO?

Does NO sound like a mean or selfishword to you?

Are there some people to whom you've

never been able to say NO?

Are you afraid you'll hurt the people youcare about if you say NO to them?

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SOUNDS FAMILIAR?

Do you choke on your NOs because youfear abandonment?

When friends ask you to do something youdon't want to do, do you invent anelaborate excuse?

Do you have a hard time saying NO to aninvite even when you're completelyexhausted?

Are you worried about not being generous

enough to causes or your community?4



SOUNDS FAMILIAR?

Are you reluctant to confront men who harass you on thestreet, bus, or train?

Do you have trouble questioning treatments that your

doctors recommend you get? When you are caring for someone who is ill, do you get

overwhelmed because you can't cut back on otherresponsibilities?

Has a dying relative made an inappropriate request thatyou felt you could not refuse?

If you answer YES to three or more of these questions aboutsaying NO, then you may need this book to find out howto set healthy boundaries and still preserve therelationships that matter to you.

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NanetteGartrell, MD

•American psychiatrist,

researcher, and writer•Author of over 50 researchreports on topics ranging frommedical student depression tolesbian mothers and theirchildren to sexual exploitationof patients by healthcareprofessionals•Associate clinical professor of psychiatry at the Center of Excellence in Women's Healthfor the University of California,San Francisco, was previously afaculty member at HarvardMedical School

•Ground-breaking investigationinto physician misconduct ledto a clean-up of professionalethics codes and thecriminalization of boundaryviolations•Dr. Gartrell has a private

practice, and she volunteersher psychiatric services to6



ABOUT THE BOOK Chapter One

women's ways of NOing (introduction)Chapter Two

there's NO place like home for the holidays (sayingNO to parents)Chapter Three

getting to NO you (saying NO to dates and mates)Chapter Four

NOthing personal (saying NO to friends)7



ABOUT THE BOOK Chapter Five

opportunity...NOts (when saying NO at work doesn't work for you)

Chapter Sixno-nonsense NOs (saying NO at work)Chapter Seven

saying NO when the president calls (saying NO in public service)

Chapter EightNOblesse oblige (saying NO in the community)

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ABOUT THE BOOK Chapter Nine

NOt on your life! (saying NO to assault and harassment)

Chapter TenDoctor, NO (saying NO to your shrink or doctor)Chapter Eleven

NOble intentions (saying NO as a caregiver)Chapter Twelve

heavens NO! (saying NO to the dead and dying)9



Chapter 1. Women's Ways of NOing

Why?

Our deeply rooted need for connection

Desire to be helpful or charitable

Too concerned about being liked, loved

or respected Most women would never trade

compassion for insensitivity

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Chapter 4. Saying NO toFriends

Step 1: Ask yourself what you’re mostafraid of losing.

Step 2: Try putting yourself in your friend’sshoes. Can you cope when this friend saysNO to you?

Step 3: If your friend is psychologicallyhealthy, find a good time to discuss yourconcerns.

Step 4: If your friend is particularly thin-

skinned and unlikely to let go of a NO, try to’

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Chapter 7. Saying NO inPublic Service

Step 1: If possible, find a mentor who canhelp you develop your ability to say NO.

Step 2: If mentors aren’t available, don’tbe afraid to develop your own style of setting limits.

Step 3: When asked for something, if it’snot a life-or-death situation, take time tohear people out.

Step 4: Don’t feel obligated to answer

immediately if the matter isn’t urgent.12




Step 5: After considering all thepossibilities, state your NO clearly and

directly. Explain the reasons for yourNO.

Step 6: If you are pressured, don’t

back down. Step 7: If you are saying NO for a

superior, make sure that he or she will

stand behind your NO.13




Saying NO to a superior if you don’t agree with an order,policy or regulation:

Step 1: Consider the pros and cons of making a stand.

Step 2: If possible, consult with people you trust.

Step 3: Document everything.

Step 4: If you decide to confront your superior,practice your speech in advance.

Step 5: After you have presented your case, listencarefully to your superior’s response.

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Chapter 8. Saying NO in theCommunity

Step 1: Choose your causes beforethey choose you.

Step 2: Don’t make a snapdecision.

Step 3: When you select anorganization, be specific about howyou plan to contribute.

Step 4: No automatic renewals.15



Chapter 8. Saying NO in theCommunity

Step 5: Remember your priorities whenasked for contributions.

Step 6: Form a women’s empowermentgroup to help you maintain a goodbalance between giving to yourself andgiving to the community.

Step 7: When you do say NO, remindyourself that your goal is to contribute ina way that makes you feel good about

what you’ve done.16



Chapters 11 & 12. Saying NOto People Who Are Ill, Dying or

Dead Step 1: Figure out what you’re most afraid of

losing.

Step 2: If you weren’t worried aboutdisappointing your ailing relative or friend,what decision would you make?

Step 3: Be realistic.

Step 4: Remind yourself that your goal insetting limits with your ailing friend or familymember is to preserve your own physical or

mental health so that you can provide thebest ossible care.

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Chapters 11 & 12. Saying NOto People Who Are Ill, Dying or

DeadStep 5: Ask yourself, is the

request reasonable?

Step 6: Ask yourself, is therequest appropriate?

Step 7: Ask yourself, is therequest doable?

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IN A NUTSHELL – HOW TOSAY NO

If you're nervous about saying no to someone, tryrehearsing what you'll say ahead of time. Role-play witha friend.

When considering someone's request for your time andyou're unsure, don't say "yes" or "no" right away. Saythat you will check your schedule and get back to theperson asking within a few days -- then, do it. Don't leavethem hanging because you don't want to decline.

Word things gently, at least at first. It sounds much nicer

to say "I really wish I could" instead of a blunt "no." If theperson isn't getting it, you may have to be more forceful.Still, make sure the "no" message is clear.

Try using the word "and" instead of "but," if possible. Itsounds more positive. For instance: "I wish I could dothat, and I'd like to take a rain check." (Only say that if

you mean it, though.)19




If someone is not respecting your "no," be assertive.Repeat what you've said, and stick to that statement.Say "I'm really sorry, but I can't do what you're asking"-- several times, if you need to.

If several refusals haven't worked, at a certain point, just terminate the conversation. Say, "I'm sorry, but Ihave to hang up the phone now."

In some situations, like those involving safety or sex,forget a polite and gentle "no." Be forceful and leave.

Accept that you will have to say "no" to peopleregularly -- even, sometimes, the boss -- if you're askedto give more than you can.

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You can tell the person why you're saying no, dependingon how much information he or she is entitled to know.

If you are turning down a request to speak at an event,or some other opportunity, suggest someone else who

might be good and say that appreciate being asked.

Know that the other person will be disappointed in arefusal, but that's inevitable. The more respectful youare, the easier it will be for others to take.

If someone is being difficult, take a time out to regroup.

If someone becomes nasty when turned down and won'ttake "no" for an answer, reconsider the relationship. It'snot healthy.

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INTERESTED?

Book Details:

Publisher: Free Press, January 2009

Description: Paperback, 272 pages

ISBN: ISBN-10: 1416546952

ISBN-13: 9781416546955Retail price: RM 56.90

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Thank you.

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My Answer is No