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Mindful Emotion Coaching
Introductions
Dr Sarah Temple- GP- ww.emotioncoaching.co.uk
Shane Dangar -SEN&D Young People’s representative
Focus For Today
- understanding the HOW TO of emotion regulation- Dan Siegel’s metaphor The Hand Model
- John Gottman’s 5 steps of Emotion Coaching
Focus for Today
Confidentiality
Safeguarding
Feelings Matter - Warm Up
Are you disrespecting me?
think about the feelings going on underneath the behaviour inthe pupilthe teacher
The importance of a meta-emotion philosophy(Gottman, 1997)
Feelings Matter- Exercise
Think about behaviours you meet in your work setting that really get under your skin
How often in the course of a day do you find yourself simply trying to survive a difficult moment?
take a moment to imagine yourself in a specific moment when things didn’t go right – how did you act and react?
are your actions and reactions helping on the path toward creating responsible , caring, capable people?
emotioncoaching.co.uk
www.emotioncoaching.co.uk
-attachment theory – the brain as a social organ-neuroscience of emotions-mindfulness-emotion coaching
Emotional Responses
Paul Ekman – Core Emotions
Disgust Fear Anger Sadness Joy
Innate , hardwired and universal
Emotional Responses
The first step – being aware of our own emotions.
We use our awareness of our own emotions to notice other’s feelings.
This allows us to respond in an attuned way.
Modelling ways of expressing and managing emotions
Page 55
Emotional Responses
Choose an emotion that you have remember experiencing
In brief, what happened/the event?
Where did you feel the emotion in your body?
What thoughts went through your head?
(How did you feel about having this feeling?)
Attachment Theory
Through non invasive scanning of very young babies and children the brain has come to be seen as a ‘social organ’- dependent for normal development on stimulation through social interaction and influenced in a multifactorial way by other factors including epigenetics, physical health and diet.The importance of inter connectedness and relationships in human development has been extensively researched. Key early figures are: John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth, Mary Main, Patricia Crittendon
Attachment Theory
Babies are born with the basic brain structure ….. neuronal connections form by the firing of neurones when the baby is stimulated.
A baby who receives loving attention will form different neuronal pathways from a baby whose parent or care giver is unable to be sensitive and synchronous.
The ‘different’ neuronal pathways that form in a baby with a parent or care giver who is unable to be synchronous is thought to be the basis for the formation of unbalanced emotional responses.
www.fivetothrive.org.uk
The Whole Brain
When all the areas of our brains are working together we experience a sense of integration and thriving
Dan Siegel calls this ‘The River of Wellbeing’page 10 in workbook
How much are we paying attention to building long term skills and helping our children/ staff grow and learn?
What do we want for them, now and through into the future?
The Whole Brain
Mirroring - Still Face Experiment
Connectomes and Attachment Theory
The Vagus Nerve
One of the ways the thinking part of your brain (frontal cortex) works with the brain stem calming your bodily responses and helping you stay balanced is via the vagus nerve.The vagus nerve is a cranial nerve which begins in the brain stem and travels to most of our vital organs including our heart and lungs.
Vagal Tone
Vagal Tone- How well your fight/ flight response and vagus nerve are balanced and work together, i.e. Regulate affect
Measuring pulse rate is one way of assessing vagal tone.
Emotion Coaching
Based on research by John Gottman (1997) in America
Research suggests Emotion Coaching is a key to happy, resilient, and well-adjusted children and young people
Emotion Coaching is helping children and young people to understand the different emotions they experience, why they occur, and how to handle them
Emotion Coaching
“Much of today’s popular advice ignores the world of emotions. Instead, it relies on child-rearing theories that address the children’s behaviour, but disregard the feelings that underlie that behaviour” (Gottman, 1997)
Emotion Coaching
Become aware of emotion, especially if it is of a lower intensity (such as disappointment or frustration)
Connect and view emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching
Accept -communicate your understanding and acceptance of the emotion –empathy
Reflect - Use words to describe feelings – ‘Name It to Tame It’
End stage -If necessary, help them to solve problems. You may also communicate that all wishes and feelings are acceptable, but some behaviours are not.
Adapted from Gottman, J. M. & DeClair, J. (1997). The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. New York: Simon & Schuster.Tuning in to Teens Handouts 2,3,4,5 and 6 CARE
Page 26
Emotion Coaching
Teaching children/ young people /us about the world of emotion ‘in the moment’
Giving strategies to deal with ups and downs
Accepting all emotions as normal
Not all Behaviour is OK
Building trusting and respectful relationships with children/ young people
Lessons Learned
To empathize
To read others’ emotions and social cues
To control impulses (Self-sooth and self-regulate)
To delay gratification
To motivate themselves
To cope with life’s ups and downs
Emotion Regulation
Emotion Regulation skills are crucial for learning and development at all stages of life and allow us to make healthy choices leading to lifelong benefits for individuals, families and communities.
Mastery of understanding and regulating their emotions will help us succeed in life in a myriad of different ways –improved performance and physically healthier ‘Mounting research from neuroscience and psychology tells us that there is a set of underlying core capabilities that adults use to manage life, work, and parenting effectively. These include, but are not limited to: planning, focus, self-control, awareness, and flexibility – a combination of Emotion Regulation and Executive Function.’ Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University (2016). Building Core Capabilities for Life: The Science Behind the Skills Adults Need to Succeed in Parenting and in the Workplace
Building Adult Capabilities to Improve Outcomes for Children
Jack Shonkoff, Harvard University
Disapproving Style
Disapproves of negative emotions – Viewed as a sign of weakness, lack of control, unconstructiveLacks empathy, noticeably critical and intolerantTries to get rid of negative emotions via discipline, reprimand, punishmentFocuses on the behaviour rather than the emotions generating the behaviourMore likely to view negative emotional displays as a form of manipulation, lack of obedience, sign of bad characterOften motivated by need to control and regain power and/ or to ‘toughen up’ child
Dismissing Style
good intentions but is uncomfortable with negative emotionsViews negative emotions as toxic and so must be ‘got over quickly’Considers paying attention to such emotions will make them worse, prolong them Tries to stop negative emotions by reducing/ minimising/ making light of their importance/
e.g. It’s no big deal, don’t worry about it, be a big girl, that’s life, you’ll be fineOften motivated by need to rescue and make things better, fix the problem, e.g. Have a biscuit, I’ll buy a new one, You need to do thisFocuses on getting rid of the emotion with logic or distraction
Emotion Coaching Style
We all have feelings and need to recognize them in ourselves as well as othersWe are not alone and we are accepted, supported, valid, cared about, understood, trustworthy and respected – This is then returnedWe are empowered and it’s safe to engage in problem-solvingAll feelings are normal but need to be regulated and expressed constructively
Scripted Role Play
In pairs go through the two scripted role plays.
One person plays the child; one the parent
Start with the dismissive script;
Then the emotion coaching script
Feedback and discussion with the group
Tuning in to Teens Hand Outs 11,12,13,14
Developing Empathy
Recognise all emotions as being natural and normal and not always a matter of choiceRecognise behaviour as communication (Relational vs Behavioural Model)Look for physical and verbal signs of the emotion being feltTake on the other’s perspective (Mentalising/ Mind-mindedness)Use words to reflect back emotion Provide a narrative for the emotional experience (creating cognitive links)
Emotion Detective Exercise
Imagine you tell a friend how upset you are and they tell you ‘ ‘don’t be upset’ or say ‘you are just tired’
Sit with this response for a moment and tune in to how your body feels- do you feel tight? Do you feel safe and supported or alone?
Now imagine that the person you turned to offers you connection – how would you think, feel and experience this?
Tuning in to Teens Handout 29
Page 22
Empathy examples
‘You seem to be feeling angry. I would feel angry if that happened to me. It’s normal to feel like that.’
‘I can see you’re frowning and I wonder if you’re feeling anxious.‘
‘I think that something’s not quite right – can you tell me about it…’
‘You look a bit fed up…’
‘It’s normal to feel like this.’
‘What does your body feel like now?
Problem Solving Together
All feelings are OK but not all behaviour is OK
When the child is calm and in a relaxed, rational state:Explore the feelings that give rise to the behavior/problem/incident
Scaffold alternative ideas and actions that could lead to more appropriate and productive outcomes
Empower the child to believe s/he can overcome difficulties and manage feelings/behaviour
Problem Solving Together
‘How were you feeling when that happened’‘Next time you’re feeling like this, what could you do? How do you think you will react next time or if this happens again.’‘What might help you calm down next time you feel like this?’‘You need to decide what to do about this’‘I can help you to think of a different way to cope’‘What can you do next time that would be more helpful for you and others’
All feelings are OK but not all behaviour is OK
Key Thinkers
Professor John Gottman, Psychologist, The Gottman Institute
“Much of today’s popular advice ignores the world of emotions. Instead, it relies on child-rearing theories that address the children’s behaviour, but disregard the feelings that underlie that behaviour” (Gottman, 1997)
Why Emotion Coach
Achieve more academically in schoolAre more popularHave fewer behavioural problems Have fewer infectious illnesses Are more emotionally stableAre more resilient(Gottman et al, 1997
‘Emotion coaching is about helping children and young people to understand the
different emotions they experience, why they occur and how to handle them’ John Gottman
emotioncoaching.co.uk
emotioncoaching.co.uk
emotioncoaching.co.uk
emotioncoaching.co.uk
emotioncoaching.co.uk
emotioncoaching.co.uk
Increased adult awareness- knowledge and self regulation
emotioncoaching.co.uk
Positive impact on Professional Practice
emotioncoaching.co.uk
Positive impact on Children’s Behaviour and Wellbeing
How do we do it?
Guided relaxation/meditation/mindfulness
Emotional Self Care
Meta Emotion Philosophy
Emotional Awareness/ mindfulness
Page 49, 52
Family of Origin Exercise
In pairs, discuss the following:
what messages did you receive from your family of origin about these emotions and their expression?
angersadnesspridejoy/excitementworry/fear
How might your Family of Origin experience affect your response to children’s emotions?
Page 28
Family of Origin Exercise
How might your Family of Origin experience affect your response to children’s emotions?
Sadness is to be kept to yourself
Anger is good to let out
Silly to worry
Anger is to be controlled not expressed
Anger is to be feared in others
Safe Conversations and Emotion Coaching
- Our champions have statutory safeguarding training
- Our champions know who their safeguarding lead is
- Our champions make sure their safeguarding lead knows about the Emotion Coaching Project
All safeguarding concerns MUST be discussed with the organisation’s safeguarding lead
Ground Rules
- Omit names and identifying descriptions - confidentiality- Keep the conversation in the room – agree confidentiality- Be clear about safeguarding protocols (worrying discussions and safeguarding)- Be clear that lesson time/ open group is not the setting to discuss personal or private lives- Distance the learning with role plays and case studies – includes us talking about our own families- Respect differences of opinion- Use of ‘I’ statements eg ‘I think’ rather than ‘everyone thinks’ … ‘I wonder if…..’- Requirements for listening- taking turns, not talking over others… active listening (hearing)- Use language carefully- Encourage seeking help and advice- Mobile phones switched off- Be clear (with Children and Young People) how long you will be working with them and what you will (and won’t) be doing- Take responsiblity for Self Awareness
All safeguarding concerns MUST be discussed with the organisation’s safeguarding lead
Creating and Sharing Training Materials
‘Emotion coaching is about helping children and young people to understand the different emotions they experience, why they occur and
how to handle them’ John Gottman
Creating and Sharing Training Materials
Emotioncoaching vignetteProfessional Role: PFSA, Urban Secondary School
Child/Young Person: Male, Age 12
BackgroundV was referred to our internal support base due to a high level of behavioural difficulties and several fixed term exclusions. Outside school, V had also been involved in petty crime/assault and had been issued with a behavioural contract by the Police. In general, V’s behaviour led to angry outbursts where violence was often used.
EC InterventionsWithin the base, V received support to understand his emotions, including triggers, signs and how to come down from flipping your lid. The support was delivered on a 1-1 basis. We used a variety of tools to investigate emotions including:
• PowerPoint presentation • Dan Siegel’s hand model• Handouts from ‘Tuning into teens’• Tense and release exercise• Just Breathe clipDuring our 1-1 session’s V said he wished he could wave a magic wand and not flip his lid so often. V felt it would not be possible to reduce his aggressive behaviour.
OutcomeV spent 6 weeks within the base, with staff modelling Emotion coaching. During times of frustration, (where previously V may have flipped his lid) we were able to recognise the early signs and tune in. This enabled V to step outside and take time to sooth himself and come back down.
After 6 weeks V re-joined mainstream school, however, within one week returned after a violent incident. When explaining what happened he said “I just flipped my lid and couldn’t get out to calm down”. V spent a further three weeks within the base and continued to practice his emotion coaching strategies.
We developed a PowerPoint presentation to share with staff in the hope this would help them to understand what happens for V and how to best support. This also provided V with the opportunity to problem solve situations and pose the question of how it could be different next time.
It is early days for V, but he has re-joined mainstream school and so far has not had one behavioural incident. V has a ‘time out’ card which he can use without question to leave the class and step outside. V also uses the tense and release within class when he feels he cannot get the space he needs.
Fear/ Worry
Role of temperament Most children experience worry/fear but have difficulty showing itDifferent presentationsMany parents don’t recognise – brainstorm *H/outParents may model worry/fear responsesDifferences to CBT Use: Emotion awareness, labelling, *Managing Strong Emotions and slow breathing, *The Noodle, self soothing, coping statementsFace the fear – not avoiding but using Emotion Regulation
Anger
The function of anger
How do parents express anger now?
Modelling, physical discipline, safety issues and family emotion climate
Anger
Understanding causes of children’s anger (brainstorm with parents)
Vital to see all the feelings behind anger
Feelings separate from angry behaviour
Paths Envelope
AngerBuilding in a pause
Intensity of anger – different responses
When not to emotion coach
Emotion coaching after strong anger
Containment and responding to distress
Repairing and saying sorry
Avoid character assassinations or laughing
Boundaries, family rules and consequences
Time in/Time out – strengths and limitations
Anger
Calming/Self-control:
Managing Strong FeelingsDoing The Turtle and the Little Turtle StoryLetting off Steam/ safe anger expression:Things to do when you are angryWhen Lester Lost His Cool
The anger spotter
Other Exercises
Sadness- Tuning in to Teens Hand Out 44
Responding to Rejection
