MINDFUL LISTENING

By Donna Brown

WHAT IS MINDFULNESS?

A way of focusing your attention that can produce significant benefits

Opposite of multi-tasking

Rebecca Shafir writes “our environment with its constant bombardment of stimuli challenges your innate ability to relax and focus on one task at a time.”

WHY DO WE LISTEN? We listen to obtain information We listen to understand We listen for enjoyment We listen to learn

Listen Effectively from “Hitch” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQzduf9GH8M

We remember 25% to 50% of what we hear.

That means when you talk to your boss, colleagues, customers, or spouse for 10 minutes, they pay attention to half of the conversation.

Good communication skills require a high level of self-awareness

By understanding your personal style of communicating, you will go along way towards creating good and lasting impressions of others

The average person speaks at 125 words per minute, yet we can process up to 500 words per minute.

HOW TO BE A GOOD LISTENER

WHAT IS ACTIVE LISTENING? The process of listening, clarifying,

giving feedback, and self-disclosing. It involves the participation of both

parties in verbal and non-verbal ways. The use of “I” statements is imperative.

MAKE EYE CONTACT Look the speaker in the face most of the

time, especially look at his/her eyes If you forget to make eye contact,

speaker may think you are bored, withdrawn, or simply not listening

Be culturally sensitive: some individuals may be uncomfortable with too much direct eye contact

TAKE A LISTENING POSITION Sit or stand in a comfortable position Aim your body in the general direction

of the speaker Try to be relaxed Be aware of other non-verbals:

placement of arms, leaning forward when necessary, head nodding, degree of personal space, smiling

PARAPHRASE THE SPEAKER’S MESSAGE State in your own words what someone

has just said Some common ways to lead into

paraphrases are: What I hear you saying is…. In other words…. So basically how you felt was… What happened was… Sounds like you’re feeling…

The speaker has the chance to make the message more clear if he/she doesn’t think you really understood

ASK CLARIFYING QUESTIONS If something the speaker said is unclear,

ask him/her a question to get more information

Asking questions make you an active, interested listener

The speaker can tell you have been listening enough to have a question and care enough to ask

Ask open ended questions:Could you give me an example…

MAKE COMMENTS, ASK QUESTIONS When the speaker stops or pauses,

make comments about the same subject If you change the topic suddenly, she/he

may think you weren’t listening If the speaker asks a question, your

answer can show you were listening Use silence to your benefit versus

attempting to fill the conversation with constant talk

PROVIDE APPROPRIATE FEEDBACK Feedback should always be given in an

honest and supportive way Empathy: identify with the speaker’s

feelings. It can be difficult if you have different life experiences or would try a different solution

Openness: be a supportive, but neutral listener. Be careful of judgments.

Awareness: be aware of your own biases. We all have them, it’s human nature

Effective Listening: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTr7mRs1ixg

BLOCKS TO LISTENING

THE SPEAKER’S CONTROL OF THE MESSAGE A two-way flow of information keeps

listeners focused and involved The listener is more involved if he/she

can break in from time to time to clarify, check out the message, etc

If the listener is involved, then he/she is more likely to listen well and attentively

Sometimes the speaker’s control of the message is too rigid and this blocks a two-way flow. Ex: lecturing, giving advice, reprimanding

ASSUMPTIONS Avoid clouding up your listening

attention with assumptions about:What the other person is trying to sayWhat they really meanWhat they want the listener to do, etc

Assumptions are often not accurate They certainly prevent the listener from

focusing on what’s being said If I’m assuming, I’m not listening

BUZZ WORDS Most people have definite private buzz

words which will have a definite emotional charge, sometimes positive, sometimes more negative

When listeners hear their own buzz words, they’re apt to reject or accept the whole message

When the buzz words hits, the listening stops

SILENT COUNTER-ARGUMENTS Listeners who feel challenged by what

they hear may begin formulating their own counter-arguments while the message is still in route

The listener has shifted focus to refuting what the speaker has “mistakenly” said

DISTRACTIONS Other things in the environment Things in the listener’s own mind

INTERRUPTIONS In our haste to share our own ideas, we

cut others off This conveys to the speaker that you do

not value what they have to say

CONCLUSION It takes a lot of concentration to be an

active listener Be deliberate with your listening Your goal is truly hear what the other

person is saying Concentrate on the message; do not let

your mind wander Ask questions, reflect, and paraphrase

Is anybody listening? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=poAUNIQsTJI

REFERENCES “How to be a Good Listener”

http://www.twu.edu/downloads/counseling/E-8_How_to_be_a_good_listener.pdf

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=poAUNIQsTJI http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTr7mRs1ixg http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=Az1v_yF_oXs