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7/27/2019 Living Derangements
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LIVING DERANGEMENTS
"We'll Call That Plan B"
Written by
Scott Frederick
SCOTT FREDERICKFIRST DRAFT
July 12, 2013
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INT. CHARLES' APARTMENT - EVENING
CHARLES, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY HIS AIR CONDITIONER WON'TWORK. GORDON PACING, THEODORE READING A NEWSPAPER.
GORDON
I'm tired of this indecision!
CHARLES
We’re just trying to agree on a
restaurant. Jeez, be patient.
GORDON
I'm tired of patience! I'm patience
impatient!
THEODORE
You can't be patience impatient.
GORDON
Why not?
THEODORE
Well, obviously, it's self-negating.
CHARLES
Oh brother. Here we go.
GORDON
What do you mean, 'self-negating'?
THEODORE
It's self-negating. Like matter and
anti-matter.
CHARLES
I can't believe I'm listening to this.
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GORDON
What? He's in command of the
situation. He's like the Julius Caesar
of dinner plans.
CHARLES
Sounds about right. Julius Caesar was
stabbed to death by the people
standing right next to him.
THEODORE
Mot du Jour. New French place. We'll
try it out.
CHARLES
Okay, dictator of dining, but if this
place is no good then it's the Ides of
March for you!
GORDON
I don't get it.
THEODORE
Ides of March is the time of year when
Caesar was stabbed to death.
CHARLES
How about that. Every once in a while
you get something right.
GORDON
What time of the year is the Ides of
March?
"We'll Call That Plan B" 3.
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THEODORE
Late February, I think. It's named
after his wife, Ides.
CHARLES
Yep. Every once in a while...
THEY EXIT. THE AIR CONDITIONER OUTLET BEGINS TO SHOOT SPARKS.
INT - MOT DU JOUR RESTAURANT - EVENING
UPSCALE. THE TRIO BEING SEATED, HANDED MENUS BY THE WAITER.
CHARLES
Thank you.
THEODORE
Yes, mare-see boo coop.
THE WAITER LEAVES.
GORDON
Hey, your French is pretty good!
CHARLES
Oh, you're not going to pretend you
can speak French again, are you?
THEODORE
I am multilingual. You are just
jealous.
CHARLES
Oh yeah? Then say “jealous” in French.
GORDON
Don't take the bait.
"We'll Call That Plan B" 4.
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CHARLES
It's not bait!
THEODORE
That's perfectly alright. I'll have
you know that it's the same word in
both languages.
CHARLES
Jealous. Is the same word in both
languages.
THEODORE
Yes.
CHARLES
French and English.
THEODORE
Yes.
CHARLES
No it isn't.
THEODORE
Do you speak French?
CHARLES
No. And neither do you.
GORDON EATS A BREAD STICK. MAKES A MESS.
GORDON(mouth full)
Mmm, these are great!
"We'll Call That Plan B" 5.
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CHARLES
You're shooting crumbs all over the
place! You're like a machine gun over
there!
THEODORE
Alright, okay, so do we talk about it
now or wait until we have our meals?
CHARLES
The inheritance? We talk about it now.
GORDON
What if we can't agree? Dinner will be
ruined!
CHARLES
Look, why can't we just sell the
place?
THEODORE
It's a nice place!
GORDON
It is a nice place.
CHARLES
If we sold it, we'd each get over six
hundred thousand dollars! Neither one
of you earns any money -
GORDON
There he goes again, lording it over
us.
"We'll Call That Plan B" 6.
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THEODORE
We're between jobs.
GORDON
Between jobs.
CHARLES
You could live anywhere you want with
600 grand!
GORDON
But it's a nice place!
THEODORE
A lovely place.
GORDON(re: Theodore)
If we sell, the two of us would have
to move.
THEODORE
And if none of us live there, then
none of us get the monthly checks he
left us in the will.
GORDON
The checks!
THEODORE
We like having a roof over our heads,
and free money coming in every month.
GORDON
Yeah. No sale.
CHARLES
Oh, come on!
"We'll Call That Plan B" 7.
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GORDON
There, see? You're upset. Your dinner
is ruined!
INT. ANNIE APARTMENT - LATER
CHARLES VISITS HIS GIRLFRIEND ANNIE AFTER DINNER. RELAXING ONTHE COUCH WITH WINE.
ANNIE
So that's it?
CHARLES
That's it. No sale.
ANNIE
Wow. Those guys are idiots. I'd do
anything for six hundred grand.
CHARLES
Would you dump me?
ANNIE
I’d toss you under a moving bus and
forget all about ya.
SHE KISSES HIM.
CHARLES
So I'm still stuck in this situation
with these two guys! Oh, you should
have heard them over dinner, these
loons. Theodore insisted daylight
savings is a form of time travel.
ANNIE
Really.
"We'll Call That Plan B" 8.
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CHARLES
He had the math.
ANNIE
And did the math make sense?
CHARLES
None whatsoever. He invented something
called 'addiplucation'.
ANNIE
'Addiplucation'. What do you do with
that?
CHARLES
I don't know. Addiply, I guess.
ANNIE
He still insists on going by his full
name? No Ted or Teddy?
CHARLES
Theodore. Yep. Spoke French throughout
the entire meal.
ANNIE
Theodore speaks French?
CHARLES
Nope. He ordered in French and the
waiter ended up bringing him a fried
egg, a bra, and a photo of Stalin.
ANNIE
What'd he do?
"We'll Call That Plan B" 9.
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CHARLES
Ate the egg and tried to convince me
Stalin was a transvestite.
PHONE RINGS. ANNIE ANSWERS IT.
ANNIE
Hello?...Huh. It's your landlord or
something.
HANDS CHARLES THE PHONE.
CHARLES
Hello? ... What!? I'll be right there!
HE THROWS THE PHONE DOWN, PUTS ON HIS JACKET.
ANNIE
What’s going on?
CHARLES
My apartment’s on fire!
INT. MANSION ENTRY - LATER
ONCE ELEGANT, NOW LIVED IN AND MAN-CAVEISH. THEODORE DESCENDSTHE STAIRCASE AS GORDON ARGUES WITH THE BUTLER.
BUTLER
You can't fire me, you know that.
GORDON
But I just did!
THEODORE
It's stipulated in the will, Gordon.
As long as he does his ... buttling,
we can't fire him.
"We'll Call That Plan B" 10.
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GORDON
He won't do what I tell him! He's the
butler, he has to do what I tell him.
BUTLER
He asked me to do something completely
unacceptable.
GORDON
A man has needs!
THEODORE
Never mind all of you. Did I hear the
doorbell just now?
BUTLER
I was on my way to answer it, but I
was asked to disrobe and then -
GORDON(interrupts)
- no no no, that's okay. We're cool.
THEODORE
Well, answer the door then. I'm
waiting for the latest delivery from
my Odd Meats of the World club.
THE BUTLER UNLOCKS THE DOOR AND OPENS IT. ANNIE AND CHARLESENTER WITH HIS LUGGAGE.
BUTLER
Welcome, oh visitor, to Shangri-la!
CHARLES(eye roll)
They still makin' you say that dumb
crap?
"We'll Call That Plan B" 11.
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BUTLER
Yes they are, Charles.
THEODORE
No first names!
GORDON
Yeah, we agreed!
BUTLER
Yes they are still making me say that
dumb crap, sir.
CHARLES
Hang in there.
THEODORE
Charles. You're not my delivery of odd
meat!
CHARLES
I'll agree with you on that.
GORDON
What brings you here? Normally you
only see us, what, twice a year?
THEODORE
Yes, to fail at convincing us to sell
the house.
CHARLES
Well, you two were going on and on
about what a lovely house this was,
and it got me thinking.
"We'll Call That Plan B" 12.
(MORE)
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Why don't I just save my money and
move in with you two?
THEODORE
That will destroy the equilibrium!
GORDON
Equilibrium!
CHARLES
Yep, it sure will be good to see my
third of this place again. Been a
while.
GORDON
I thought you liked having an
apartment.
CHARLES
Yeah, it burned down.
THEODORE
Burned down?
CHARLES
Electrical fire.
GORDON
That's ridiculous. Electricity can't
catch on fire! It’s electric!
THEODORE
I'm certain electricity can catch on
fire!
CHARLES
This should work out well.
"We'll Call That Plan B" 13.
CHARLES (CONT'D)
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INT. THEODORE'S ROOM - LATER
THEODORE USHERS GORDON INTO HIS SLOPPY ROOM.
THEODORE
We exist under a veil of secrecy!
GORDON LOOKS UP FOR THE VEIL.
THEODORE (CONT’D)
No you idiot. Metaphorically.
GORDON
I have no idea what you're talking
about.
THEODORE
It's about - Charles!
GORDON
Oh, yeah. Tough break with the
apartment, huh?
THEODORE
Is it? Issss it?
GORDON
Well I ... what are you getting at?
THEODORE PACES LIKE A LAWYER QUESTIONING A WITNESS.
THEODORE
Is it not true that we have been left
co-ownership of a huge home and
estate?
GORDON
If I say yes, does that mean I think
it's not true?
"We'll Call That Plan B" 14.
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THEODORE
What?
GORDON
You said, is it not true -
THEODORE
Never mind! We co-own this house with
Charles, correct?
GORDON
Eeeeeeeyup.
THEODORE
And Charles wants us to sell the
place. Correct?
GORDON
Sure thing. For a lot of money, too.
THEODORE
Forget the money! He can't get us to
sell, right? Then suddenly he wants to
move in with us. I submit that
something is rotten in the state of
Denmark!
GORDON
Where in Denmark is something rotten?
THEODORE
I think their capital is France.
GORDON
Why not say something is rotten in
France?
"We'll Call That Plan B" 15.
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THEODORE
None of this matters! Look, I think
Charles is trying to make us
uncomfortable living here by moving in
with us.
GORDON
Oh, I kinda like having him here.
Especially if he keeps bringing that
Annie around, she's quite the peach...
THEODORE
No! He's trying to manipulate us! Do
you like being manipulated?
GORDON
Well, I don't really have an opinion -
THEODORE
No! You do not like being manipulated!
Do you understand those words, as I
pour them into your supple, willing
brain?
GORDON
Okay.
THEODORE
We must learn what his plan is, and
then -
BUTLER ENTERS WITH A TRAY OF SLICED CANDY BARS, CREATIVELYPRESENTED.
"We'll Call That Plan B" 16.
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THEODORE (CONT’D)
You're late with my evening sliced
candy bar platter!
BUTLER
We do have a new resident, sir. I've
been busy preparing his chambers.
THEODORE
Never be late with my platter again!
Milky Way?
BUTLER
Yes.
THEODORE
Snickers?
BUTLER
As usual.
THEODORE
Twix, both mini and jumbo?
BUTLER
Of course sir.
THEODORE
Leave us!
BUTLER
Of course sir.
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
CHARLES, GIVING ANNIE THE TOUR. THOUGH SHE’S BEEN HEREBEFORE.
"We'll Call That Plan B" 17.
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CHARLES
The kitchen, madame. Since you eat out
so often, I thought you'd like to know
what one looked like.
ANNIE
Make me a sammich so I can watch the
game, woman!
CHARLES
Yeah, I don't know how to feel about
that.
ANNIE
You should feel like making me a
sammich, woman!
CHARLES
Yeah, that's not workin' for me.
SHE LAUGHS, OPENS THE FRIDGE. BUTLER ENTERS, IS PLEASED TO
SEE CHARLES AND ANNIE.
BUTLER
Well! A pleasant surprise to see you
both.
CHARLES
Givin' her the tour. What do they have
you doing?
BUTLER
Delivering sliced candy bars.
CHARLES
And nobody chewed off your serving
hand?
"We'll Call That Plan B" 18.
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BUTLER
I've grown agile over the past few
years.
ANNIE TAKES A BOTTLE OF ICED TEA FROM THE FRIDGE.
ANNIE
Can I take this?
BUTLER
Theodore absolutely loves that iced
tea. So yes, feel free.
CHARLES
Say, if I gave my entire savings
account to you, would you quit this
job?
BUTLER
Oh, I stay here out of loyalty to Mr.
White. His memory, at least. We all
know what a wonderful man he was.
CHARLES
Yeah, the guy gave me one third of
this house just for helping him find a
book at a bookstore. I had no idea who
he was.
BUTLER
He would have wanted me to remain here
and protect this home from those -
strays.
"We'll Call That Plan B" 19.
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ANNIE
Ouch. No love lost for those guys,
huh.
BUTLER
They believe that Charles has moved in
here in an effort to drive them out. I
happened to accidentally overhear them
say as much, as I eavesdropped on them
from the hallway.
CHARLES
Really! Thick as thieves, those two
are. We might need to do something
about that.
ANNIE
Whaddaya got in mind, Machiavelli?
CHARLES
Depends on what you're willing to do,
Mata Hari...
INT. MANSION ENTRY - NEXT DAY
NOW IMMACULATE. ANNIE AND THE BUTLER ARE DUSTING TWO WHITEVASES WHEN THEODORE COMES DOWN THE STAIRS.
THEODORE
Butler! Oh butler! It is time for my
root beer foot bath and ankle
scraping! Nothing off-brand this time,
I prefer the good stuff.(reacts)
What sort of madness is this?!
"We'll Call That Plan B" 20.
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ANNIE
What? What madness?
GORDON COMES DOWN THE STAIRS AS THEODORE STALKS TOWARD ANNIE.
THEODORE
What madness? Harpie!
GORDON
What's a harpie?
CHARLES ENTERS FROM ANOTHER ROOM.
THEODORE
It's what they call angels who can't
play their harps.
CHARLES
Oh for God's sakes no it isn't.
BUTLER
I cleaned by order of Master Charles,
sir.
CHARLES(grinning)
My order. Boy, do I love living here.
GORDON(noticing)
Hey, it looks nice in here!
ANNIE
Pretty good, huh?
GORDON(to Theodore)
Hey, why don't we ever keep it this
clean?
"We'll Call That Plan B" 21.
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THEODORE
Because we are men!
CHARLES
Debatable, but go on.
THEODORE
Cleanliness is a sign of feminine
weakness! Also, vertigo and gout.
CHARLES
Man, I gotta meet your doctor.
THEODORE
I don't have a doctor. Medicine is a
scam.
GORDON
We have little tables in here?
ANNIE(cute)
Two of them. With vases on them.
GORDON(cuter)
We have little vase-tables in here?
Theodore, look! They're adorable!
THEODORE
Man up, Gordon!
GORDON
But, but, but Theodore!
CHARLES
Trust me, Theodore's got more than
enough butt.
"We'll Call That Plan B" 22.
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THEODORE
Oh, ha ha, you foul interloper.
GORDON
What's an interloper?
CHARLES
It's a trespasser.
THEODORE
It is a type of antelope, don't listen
to him and his lies!
CHARLES
Why would he call me an antelope?
BUTLER(to Theodore)
Sir, it is time for your root beer
foot bath.
THEODORE
Of course. But this isn't over yet. I
know you're doing this to drive us
out!
ANNIE
What, tidying up the place?
THEODORE
Precisely. But I'm one leg up on you,
sister!
ANNIE(recoils)
Eww.
"We'll Call That Plan B" 23.
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CHARLES
Yeah, that's not a pleasant image.
THEODORE
You'll never get my share, Charles!
Now come, butler! And bring - the
sponges of inter-toe pleasures!
BUTLER
Yes sir.
CHARLES
That's an even worse image.
BUTLER
How much did you say you had in your
savings account?
CHARLES
Three hundred and eleven dollars. And
seven cents.
BUTLER
You might have a deal.
BUTLER FOLLOWS THEODORE UP THE STAIRS.
GORDON
Well, I’m headed out for a Little
League game.
ANNIE
Oh yeah? What team do you coach?
"We'll Call That Plan B" 24.
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GORDON
Coach? I play third base! They were
really desperate for players this
year. See ya later - looks great in
here!
GORDON EXITS. CHARLES AND ANNIE TURN TO EACH OTHER, LOUDLYWHISPERING, EXCITED CONSPIRATORS.
CHARLES
See what I mean? One of them is
getting root beer poured on him by a
grown man -
ANNIE
- and the other one is out batting
third behind two seven year olds.
CHARLES
They’re loons!
ANNIE
You were right, Theodore is completely
freaked out by all things sanitary.
CHARLES
Yeah, we gotta keep turning the screws
without being obvious about it.
ANNIE
Let’s clean the upstairs bathroom
next.
"We'll Call That Plan B" 25.
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CHARLES
That’ll drive Theodore through the
roof! If something that heavy can get
airborne in the first place.
GORDON RETURNS. THEY STOP THEIR EXCITED CHATTER, WONDERINGWHAT HE’S HEARD.
GORDON
I totally forgot, I played Little
League last year.
HE SHUFFLES OUT OF THE ROOM AS ANNIE AND CHARLES WATCH.
CHARLES
See what I mean? What the hell was
that?
GORDON COMES BACK INTO THE ROOM.
GORDON
Listen, I’ve been thinkin’.
CHARLES
You sure about that?
GORDON
You two, you’re really nice guys.
ANNIE
Well, as a guy, thanks.
GORDON
Yeah. And I know Theodore does not
want to sell the place. I mean he does
not want to sell.
CHARLES
Yeah, I got that.
"We'll Call That Plan B" 26.
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GORDON
But I’ve been thinkin’. Maybe it’s not
such a bad idea to sell.
CHARLES
Really?
GORDON
Yeah. Fresh start, you know? With a
lot of money. Maybe get a girl.
ANNIE
Well, I think that’s a great idea.
GORDON
Guess I’ll go break it to Theodore.
HE CLIMBS THE STAIRS.
CHARLES
If that’s what you think you need to
do.
ANNIE
Good luck.
ONCE GORDON’S OUT OF SIGHT, CHARLES AND ANNIE GRAB HANDS ANDHOP UP AND DOWN.
CHARLES
Two votes out of three! We’re selling
the house!
ANNIE
They’re out of your life forever!
CHARLES
Six hundred thousand dollars!
"We'll Call That Plan B" 27.
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ANNIE
Vegas, baby!
INT. THEODORE’S ROOM - DAYA DISGUSTED BUTLER WRINGS A LARGE, ROOT BEER-SOAKED TOWELINTO A BUCKET AS A REFRESHED THEODORE STROLLS ABOUT IN HISBATHROBE. EMPTY BOTTLES OF ROOT BEER LITTER THE ROOM.
GORDON ENTERS.
GORDON
Hey, can I talk to you a sec?
THEODORE WAVES DISMISSIVELY AT THE BUTLER.
THEODORE
Leave us!
THE BUTLER GATHERS THE TOWEL AND BUCKET AND LEAVES.
GORDON
Look, I talked it over with Charles
and Annie - they’re real nice folks -
THEODORE
Mmm hmm. Annnd?
GORDON
I’m gonna sell my share of the house.
I know it’s two out of three and
you’re outvoted, buddy, but I don’t
want you to be mad or anything.
THEODORE
I see. I think it’s a marvelous idea.
GORDON
You do..?
"We'll Call That Plan B" 28.
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THEODORE
Of course. Six hundred thousand is a
lot of money.
GORDON
Oh yeah.
THEODORE
Who needs a free check coming to them
on a regular basis?
GORDON
Well, I mean -
THEODORE
Given to them by a kind and generous
old man - old friend - just before he
died.
GORDON
Yeah, uh...
THEODORE
Of course, with the price of a nice
house these days ... well. Most of the
money you get from selling this house,
will go to buying a much smaller
house.
GORDON
Smaller?
"We'll Call That Plan B" 29.
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THEODORE
With no staff to clean up after you.
But, once you get a job, working fifty
hours a week with maybe two weeks off
a year, you won’t have time to even
think about what you’ve given up ...
by selling your share of the house.
And then, there’s the loneliness -
GORDON LOOKS COMPLETELY RATTLED.
GORDON
Uh huh...
INT. MANSION ENTRY - DAYCHARLES AND ANNIE, STILL SUPER-EXCITED, UNABLE TO CONTAINTHEMSELVES.
ANNIE
This was so easy! We hardly had to do
anything!
CHARLES
Free and clear! I’m gonna be rich!
THE BUTLER ENTERS.
ANNIE
They’re gonna sell!
CHARLES
Gordon decided to sell! You’ll never
do another root beer foot rub again!
BUTLER
That’s wonderful!
THEODORE AND GORDON COME DOWN THE STAIRS DRESSED FOR GOLF,LAUGHING, THEODORE’S HAND ON GORDON’S BACK.
"We'll Call That Plan B" 30.
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CHARLES(worried)
Hey Gordon...
GORDON
Hey buddy!
CHARLES
Look at you two, palling around.
THEODORE
Yes. Look at us.
CHARLES
You okay Gordon?
GORDON
Yup!
CHARLES
You remember what we talked about?
GORDON
Yup!
CHARLES
You still selling your share of the
house?
GORDON
Nope!
THEODORE AND GORDON STROLL TO THE FRONT DOOR.
THEODORE
Oh, we’ll be playing a few holes out
back. I’m quite good at games, you
see.
"We'll Call That Plan B" 31.
(MORE)
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And if you think you can do an end run
around me again, buster, prepare for a
rude awakening.
GORDON
What’s a rude awakening?
THEODORE
Oh, that’s when you wake up and you’re
rude to everybody.
THEY EXIT.
CHARLES(screaming at closed door)
That is not a rude awakening!
HE COLLAPSES TO THE FLOOR, GROANING. THE BUTLER SIGHS,DEJECTED.
BUTLER
If you’ll excuse me, I need to begin
preparing Master Theodore’s weekly
wine spritzer enema. It’s an all-night
event.
THE BUTLER LEAVES.
ANNIE
Speaking of rude awakenings...
CHARLES SOBS, QUIETLY MUTTERING. ANNIE CROUCHES NEXT TO HIM,PETTING HIS HEAD.
"We'll Call That Plan B" 32.
THEODORE (CONT'D)
7/27/2019 Living Derangements
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/living-derangements 34/34
ANNIE (CONT’D)
So he’s not as dumb as you thought. So
your apartment burned down, and you
have no idea when you can move back
in, and my landlord won’t allow you to
move in with me, and you’re stuck
living with two morons who are keeping
you from six hundred thousand dollars
you desperately need.
CHARLES
Yeah..?
ANNIE
Think of it this way. If you kill them
both, which seems the most likely
outcome at this point, the jury will
understand. And you’ll probably only
get thirty years in prison. You’ll be
out in your late fifties and have
twenty or so years left to live your
life, without them anywhere in sight
to bother you.
CHARLES THINKS ABOUT IT.
CHARLES
We’ll call that plan B.
"We'll Call That Plan B" 33.