Listening

Why Do We Listen?

• To understand and retain information

• To evaluate the quality of messages

• To build and maintain relationships

• To help others

But it’s not as easy as we might think…

• Hearing problems

• Information overload

• Personal concerns

• Rapid thought

• Noise

Recognize anyone?

• The pseudolistener

• The stage hog

• The selective listener

• The embellisher (filling in the gaps)

• The insulated listener

• The defensive listener

• The ambusher

Listening Components:

• Hearing

• Attending

• Understanding

Remembering

• Responding

Types of Listening Responses

Silent Listening

“Staying attentive and nonverbally responsive without offering any verbal feedback.”

Silent Listening

“Staying attentive and nonverbally responsive without offering any verbal feedback.”

Attending Skills: The S.O.L.E.R. Method

S… Square up and bodily face the person

O… Open your posture and maintain it

L… Lean forward as appropriate

E… Eye contact

R… Relax, smile and keep an open expression

Questioning“The listener asks the speaker for additional information”

•To clarify meanings

•To learn about others’ thoughts, feelings, and wants

•To encourage elaboration

•To encourage discovery

•To gather more facts and details

•To trap the speaker

•To make a statement

•To further a hidden agenda

•To seek “correct” answers

•To imply an unchecked assumption

A little more about Questioning…

Open-Ended vs. Closed Questions

Open-ended questions are more facilitative than closed-ended questions. Closed questions give you more definitive answers.

The “Why” Question

Questions beginning with “Why” can be problematic. They tend to put the other person on the defensive. They also put us

in a one-up position, and the other person in a one-down position. “How” or “What” may be better alternatives.

Paraphrasing

“Feedback that restates, in your own words, the message

you thought the speaker sent.”

• Use your own words – Don’t be a parrot!

• Give specific examples to clarify abstract statements

• Look for the big picture/main idea, and reflect that back

• Some helpful beginnings:

•What I hear you saying…

•It sounds like…

•You’re feeling…

Why paraphrase?

• Allows you to see if your understanding is correct

• May draw out more information from the speaker

• ***Takes the heat out of intense discussions***

Empathizing“Conveys identification with a speaker’s perceptions and emotions”

• An empathetic attitude is more important than a specific response

• Involves putting yourself in the other persons’ shoes

• Responses are feeling-focused

• Responses can be in the form of questions, paraphrases, or just something small like “Oh, no!” “Really?” “Wow!” “Ouch!”

Supporting

Agreement Praise

Offers to Help Reassurance

Diversion

But be careful…

Be sincere

Evaluate how helpful a supportive response will be

Focus on the present concern, rather than the future outcome

“Reveals the listener’s solidarity with the speaker’s situation”

Analyzing

“Offering an interpretation of the speaker’s message”

“What’s really going on is…”

“You’re just afraid of…”

“Maybe it’s because…”

Tips for making a helpful analyzing response:

-- Leave yourself wiggle room – Keep it tentative

-- Make sure it’s wanted

-- Be honest with yourself about your motives

Advising“Offering suggestions about how the speaker should deal with a

problem”

One of our most common listening responses

Can be very helpful when it is wanted

Can be very annoying when it is not wanted

It can be very helpful when it is relevant, timely, logical, and practical.

• Make sure it is wanted: “Do you want some advice?”

• Resist the temptation – Don’t give it if it’s not wanted

Evaluating

“Appraising the sender’s thoughts or behaviors in some way”

Again, make sure that the evaluation is wanted!

Constructive criticism vs. Insults

Tips to Help You Stay in the Listening Mode

1) Concentrate on the content of what is being said. Don’t be turned-off by poor delivery.

2) Don’t enter into an argument or make a judgment.3) Listen for concepts and main ideas.4) Be flexible in how you summarize what the speaker

is saying.5) Show the speaker that you are interested, and be

active in your listening behavior.6) Overcome distractions7) Listen with your mind. Thought is faster than

speech.