brought to you by the PR Committee

Issue 5 November 12, 2014

The LOVE AuctionNovember 18, 2014

EDITOR’S NOTE:MAKE A DIFFERENCE -GO ON A DATE!

We all know that Lister is one of the great-est places we could be, and we are beyond lucky to be here. We are sur-rounded by supportive, loving friends

who have become our family away from home. Lis-ter is full of people willing to put their friends first, whether it’s to help each other with school or to stop you from making big drunken mistakes. Lis-ter is generous, and Lister is caring, not just about itself, but also about the world around us. Lister’s Own Volunteer Effort (LOVE) Auction is just one of the things that Lister does for our community - last year alone Lister raised about $12,000 for the Heart & Stroke Foundation. Listerites are willing to put themselves out there just to make a differ-ence, and maybe it’s because they’ll get a date out of it, but we know the truth: it’s because we care. Most of the time, the date idea is just for fun - people bid on their friends, or their own significant others who they could go on a date with whenever. Some-times the funniest auctions are when someone’s sig-nificant other fights to buy them, but another friend battles them for it. Or, like in my experience last year, my significant other lost epically to the same person he had beaten the year before. Or friends “fight” friends. It’s not realy about getting a hot date or winning someone you’re in love with. We do it for the fun, because it is a great way to give back. The LOVE Auction is a fun chance for you to take part in that. Every little bit counts - you can pool money with friends if you can’t make a big dona-tion yourself, and even if you lose an auction bat-tle you’ll still know you made a difference: you got someone to donate even more to the Heart & Stroke Foundation in order to top you! If you’re not able to go on November 18th with your wal-let in hand, then go just to be part of it - you don’t want to miss being a part of something this big. And if you can spare some money, go ahead and bid - you might just get a date out of it!

On behalf of the LHSA, the Lighthouse thanks the following sponsors, with-out whom this event would not come to be: - Cheesecake Café- Eden North Skydiving- Rush Lacrosse- Sugar Bowl- Laser Quest- Dadeos- Urban Diner- Dukes Diner- Launch Pad- Red Piano- Monster Mini Gold- Telus World of Science- The Edmonton Zoo- Vertically Inclined climbing- Students’ Union for Comedy Night And of course, we would like to thank VP PR Kevin Lai and the rest of the PR committee. You are all wonderful people, and you deserve the greatest thanks we can give! Lots of love,

Sareeta Lopez, Editor-in-Chief

P.S.: Due to the nature of this issue, Double D Dodgeball’s Power Rankings are online! Go to our Facebook page (www.facebook.com/ListerLight-house) to find the link!

LIGHTHOUSE

LIVING

Love Auction WarsBy Robyn Chrunyk

So, you’ve had your eye on that certain someone and the L.O.V.E. Auction is right around the corner; now it’s time to make your move. There are a few ap-proaches you can take; the key is choosing the one that works for you.

The Brandi and Jarrod:This is a tag team tactic. Maybe that special someone is popular and you’re going to need some help (a.k.a. extra money) to nab that date. Or perhaps you’re a lit-tle shy and having a friend along with you, especially if the apple of your eye is on a double date, will give you the confidence you need to make it successful.

The Barry:You’re the lone wolf and hunting for that hard to find, special something. You don’t necessarily know what you’re looking for but you’ll know when you see it. When that time comes, my friend, all you need to do

is settle down and not let that game escape.

The Dave:For this tactic you’re not necessarily looking to pur-chase anyone, although you could be. To pull off the Dave, you must first raise the price of an individual as much as possible. Maybe they’re your good friend and you want to ensure they go for what they’re worth, or perhaps they’re a certain individual that you have a crush on and you want to show your love by present-ing some dolla dolla bills.

Either way, the L.O.V.E. Auction is a great opportunity to get out there and let your crush know that you dig them. So, don’t be shy; come one come all and maybe you’ll be fortunate enough to be leaving with that spe-cial someone wrapped in your arms.

So, you’ve got a date, and you really want to impress that special someone. Sure, you could do the whole dinner and a movie thing, but that costs money, and let’s face it; you’re a poor university student. Besides, that’s been done so many times. What you need is an original idea for someone on a budget. Here is how to plan the Perfect Lister Date:

Step 1: DinnerTrue, a fancy restaurant does lend a certain ambi-ence to a date. But come on, the caf has its own mood lighting set up. At precisely 6:00 (or 5:45, or 5:30, no one’s really sure anymore), the lights dim, setting the perfect atmosphere for that romantic caf dinner. If you really want to impress someone, offer to pay for that gourmet perogy dinner. That right there will sweep them off their feet (and you haven’t even gotten to the best part yet).

Step 2: EntertainmentWhat’s the point in going to the theatre to watch a movie when we have our very own spectator sport right here? That’s right; I’m talking about a roman-tic evening of dodgeball watching in the Tuckey. You get to sit squished on those extremely comfortable benches (or, if you’re really lucky, the floor) and watch people running around propelling red balls at one an-other. Added bonus, if they happen to get face shot

whilst watching the game (don’t laugh, it happens all the time), you can be the one to kiss it better.

Step 3: The Late Night StrollHere in the middle of Edmonton, there is a distinct lack of romantic wooded avenues (“Lover’s Lanes” if you will). To rectify this situation, Lister has created its own highly romanticized version of the late night stroll; the late night mar run. In this, you and your date will race to reach the mar before they close the doors, and then stand there, analyzing all of your op-tions, before deciding to split a Booster Juice and some chips. I know; romance is alive and well.

Step 4: Finishing the DateIf you want to try to move to the next base, see Dr. Penny Tration‘s article on the next page!

By Taylor Wilson

THE DREAM DATE

Ahh, love is in the air early this year! With the L.O.V.E. auction kicking off soon, there’s a poten-tial romantic night afoot! Gonna ‘buy’ someone who’s your friend? Secret crush? Dodgeball crush? Someone who isn’t even in the auction? If you answered yes to one of these or just want some sweet tips, I’m going to give you some advice for a romantic night in Lister, because sometimes too much rough sex can be tiring – change that routine up with a twist in this week’s article!

Rose petal reality check.Ever seen it in the movies? Part-ner spots a trail of petals leading towards the bedroom, follows it towards the room where the other waits for the surprise? Now obvi-ously roses are a bit hard to come by with the winter rolling in soon (and price-wise could be steep… imagine if the mar sold them). Alternatively, because you prob-ably will look suspicious leaving petals from the elevator to your room (Bee Clean would love that, right?) I would suggest just opt-ing for leading them to your room

with your hand, gently, not drag-ging them.

Masseuse in the making! So perhaps you’ve seen a porno where the couple gets all oiled up before sliding into bed together or maybe in a movie where the cou-ple exchanges sensual massag-es before the big kiss. You think ‘man, I wouldn’t mind a piece of that…’ Well, time to make it real-ity. First, don’t be too aggressive with the massage! Be gentle; soft is hot too. Too much oil can get messy. Make sure it’s in mod-eration; who wants to wash their sheets that much, am I right?? ‘What do I use for oil?’ Don’t use Crisco, or pam cooking spray (‘here, babe, lemme oil you up with this pam’ *shhhhhh*). The good doctor loves baby oil, or even the 2 in 1 lube and oil you can use. Massage all those lovely bits ;)

Candles - no go. Remember kids – candles aren’t allowed in res. I know, I know, those stupid lights in your room aren’t that pleasant during le sexy

times. What does the good Doc-tor do? I have a bunch of Christ-mas lights strung in my room! They look pretty and provide soft lighting, which is pleasant for the mood.

Now, you don’t need to go out and get some red sheets or some sexy outfits; your body and soft touch should seduce whomever you’re with. Fifty shades isn’t necessarily a manual for this kind of stuff (unless you read the end of book two and three, one was weird BDSM hehe). Penny’s advice, take some oil, put some soft music on, and have a special night with your special someone. Remember, it takes two to tango – unless you’re in a line dance, that’s an orgy.

Stay safe Lister!! Always use pro-tection, never do something you aren’t comfortable with, and if you don’t want to have sex – don’t!

Love,Dr. Penny Tration

SEX ADVICE 4 U:How to Be Gentle and Romantic

WHY You should support the love auCtionBy Sami MillershipCan you feel the love tonight? No? Well, the Public Relations Com-mittee’s LOVE Auction is fast ap-proaching and you will be able to feel all the love in Lister that night.

The LOVE Auction is a fundraiser that PR puts together in order to raise money for the Heart and Stroke Foundation through your interest in that special someone (or someones). A bunch of lovely people apply and are selected and given dates so that you can have a chance to have a fun filled night with the people of your choice. Why should you take time out of

your week to go and watch your fellow Listerites get bid on? Isn’t it just a giant popularity contest? NO! It is a great time for you to be able to bond with your floor, either by getting together to buy that spe-cial someone or just to watch and look at all of the beautiful people that you live with. It is a great way to get involved in your Lister com-munity and to get to know people from all over Lister, instead of just in your bubble. This year, there will also be a raf-fle basket as a prize! Another great way to contribute to a good cause and be able to (maybe) get a little

something else out of it!

For all you Mackenzie folk, despite the fact that LOVE Auction is dur-ing Spy vs. Spy, try and make your way out! You will be safe within the confines of the caf during the event, so that should be even more incentive for you to be a part of your community.

Join us amongst the hearts and the love and begin to feel like a part of your Lister by giving back to the community.

LIVING

LIVING

We get it: you’re away from home for probably the first time in your life. You’re single, you probably haven’t completely sobered up since Basecamp, and you might be running out of tube-socks. The hormones rushing through your little freshman bod-ies are most likely at an all time high right now. You want to make a move on that cutie you’ve had your eye on for a couple weeks—but how? You don’t want to sound too eager, or too desperate, but cool and casual, right? Right. To avoid that awkward brain-deadness that happens when you see this person, you carefully plan out what you’re going to say.

Fast forward a bit: the right moment comes along. You move in—cool, casual. You smile—cool, casual . . . except you forget that you’ve taken a swig of your drink and now it’s running down your overly-enthusiastic chin and onto the shirt you’d painstak-ingly picked out a week ago for this. It’s okay, you can make a comeback; you laugh it off with them—cool, casual. You open your mouth to execute stage 3 of your plan and all that comes out is . . . noth-ing. You’ve forgotten your line. You panic, and start spewing out a story about your ex’s pet rabbit and its untimely death and that one time that you cried while watching The Bachelor and something about Ebola. They’re staring at you like you have a third head.

Okay, now rewind a bit: this time, you’ve read this article. When the right moment comes along you nail both the execution and the person you were wheeling. You’re welcome.

Your Dodgeball CrushYou’ve watched them move, you’ve watched them sweat. Now you want to be a part of that action, mi-nus the audience, the Tuckey, and most of the cloth-ing. So you make your move. Introduce yourself, then:

Don’t: • Critique their technique • Comment on how sweaty they are—gross• Say anything about how their ass looks when they play

Do: • Casually ask about their jersey nickname—go from there• Aim for them/play on the same side of the gym• Talk to them at Dukes, compliment their game

Your Library CrushYou two somehow have the same two hour break on MWF and you both end up going to the same library and sitting in the same spot each time. They ask you to watch their stuff as they go get a coffee, you say yes and wait for them to come back:

Don’t:• Sell off their stuff or rifle through it before they get back• Manically write your phone number all over the pages of their notebooks• Follow them

Do: • Ask what they’re studying• Ask what year they’re in• Ask if they would want to study with you some-time—smoooooth

The Person Chilling At The Bar In Knoxvilles You’ve probably seen them before and you vaguely recognize them, even through the 75¢ draft haze. Suddenly there’s an open space next to them at the bar and you swoop in. It’s your time to shine:

Don’t:• Use a bad pickup line (“You owe me a drink, I dropped mine when I looked at you” or anything similar)• Say “You’ll do” because you think it’s ‘cavalier’ or whatever• Stalk them around the club if they reject you

Do• Offer to buy them a drink – let them choose the drink if they agree• Ask if they’re here with friends (if they say no or that they’re there alone, that’s a red flag; move along)• Ask if they’d like to dance (on the dance floor, not in your bed—that might come later)

I know you’re awkward. You know you’re awkward. However, the person you’re trying to wheel doesn’t need to know it. Suck it up, take a deep breath, and go for it—you never know where you two could end up. As long as you stay away from lewd references to body parts, uncomfortable mentions of your past and current state of desperation, and that you may or may not have a Hello Kitty poster on your ceiling, you’ll probably be fine. Buck up. Cool, casual.

Pumping Up Your Square Wheelsby Rachael Phillips

Crushing in ClassBy Jaimee Russnak

So you’ve been crushing on that cutie in class (fellow student, TA, prof, whatever), but aren’t sure how to catch their attention. Never fear. Below are some tips to help you get noticed in a positive way.

1. To be noticed you must be seen so sit near them. You don’t have to get right up in their grill, but if you are within peripheral range, there’s a good chance they will notice you at some point within the class. (Note: for prof and TA crushes, you may want to sit within the first couple of rows and answer some questions to demonstrate your charm and wit).

2. Another way to get noticed is to bring food to class. The rustling of wrappers/delicious smell may draw the eyes of your crush as they look for the source. This may encourage conversation of shared interests, (ex. I love Doritos, too!) or interest them in your cooking skills. Note: This is an occasional thing-otherwise the jealousy of the mouth-watering food you constantly have may start to get on their nerves. Also be wary of loud, open-mouthed chewing. Just don’t.

3. If you meet eyes with them, flash them a smile. Don’t stare-it’s creepy and uncomfortable. But, a sly glance now and then never hurt anyone.

4. Be friendly/make small talk. Smile and say “hey,” every now and then. Ask what they thought of the quiz. Ask to borrow a pencil. Ask them what the date is. Make some cute jokes about content matter. Maybe even suggest studying together…a little chemistry, a little biology, or some romantic sonnets may be just the spark you need. Sooooo many options. For prof and TA crushes, see “answer questions” above.

5. Smell nice. A little perfume or cologne never hurt anyone. NOTE: I said a little. Too much is a definite no. No one wants to spend an entire class choking on au de trying too hard.

6. Do not be that person who spends the whole class sniffling. It’s not the sexy vibe you are going for and it’s annoying as hell. Bite the bullet and blow your nose. The two seconds of gross are way better than fifty min-utes of it, because trust me, if your crush was feelin’ it too, they might not be after a whole class of you sniffling. (Sick days may present the right time to sit away from them to avoid this problem and maybe they will even notice you moved and miss you!).

These are just a few of the many ways you can catch the eye of your crush. So, get at it you charming, loveable Listerites.

LIVING

This year’s LOVE Auction

participants!

LOVE AUCTION

Jelena Macura, Marissa Chow, and Caitlyn FrenchHello friends of high and low places. We are the awkard, sensual, and independent women of 7 Schaffer. Marissa is a 3rd year Psychology major-- you tell her all your problems while lying in horizontal position. Caitlyn is a 2nd year nurs-ing student that will mend your broken heart. Jelena is a 3rd year Political Science major that has ideas for a great stimu-lus package...for the economy. Together we are some old folks looking for a daytime adventure because our bedtime is 10PM. We enjoy sipping wine with a nice Netflix movie playing on the tube. Yes, we are old, but we still have some batteries left, well, enough for you take us out on a date. Our sass is at an all-time high, just like our position in our dodge-ball conference. So buy us; we still know how to shag. xoxo

Parsa Amini & Mathew SheppardWanna go on a date with the cutest boys of Lister? Do you like a Persian boy with the nicest chest hair? What about Matt Damon?It’s finally here. The dream “ParsShepps Package”. By buy-ing us you’ll receive all the mentioned stuff plus a nice date somewhere great. Parsa loves weird movies and classical music, but isn’t very experienced in romantic stuff, if you know what I mean. Shepps loves sports, weekend break-fast, nature walks, and sticking googly eyes on things. Don’t miss this big opportunity that you have and come buy us. Please!

LOVE AUCTION

Dan Strowbridge & Darren RoszellWe are two fun lovin’ third years forged in the fires of 5K, way back in 2012. We spent another year as OC’s in Kelsey and now we’ve retired to Schaffer as Recreational Vehicles. Our ideal first date is a romantic Glade candle-lit picnic in front of the Tuckey, while camping out for a bench seat during All-Star week. We love girls who can talk dodgeball and nothing says sexy like a pair of spandex and a dodgeball braid. We are two very adventurous gentlemen, having crossed the fi-nal frontier wearing nothing but dodgeball uniforms. If you stare at the sun, you will see our spirit animal Quinn Wilkie, the Lion smiling down on the Earth. This fearsome Lion King with his red mane, oh so bright, is a true iconic sex symbol of the dodgeball world. We promise you that this date with us will be out of this world!

Oluseun AdekunleHey, call me Sean. I lived on 5 Henday, Chief and 9K this year. Hobbies are not limited to riding my bicycle, playing soccer and playing on swings. Yes, I do like grapes, water-melon and chicken but be honest who doesn’t. I laugh at bad jokes, anti-jokes and normal jokes, hopefully that will make you feel better about your jokes. Come bid at the auction *click or nah.

Curtis Slavik & Lillian MoonHey! This is Lillian, from main Kelsey and Curtis from 6 Schaffer! We’re both part of the Public Relations committee and we are proud to say that we are for sale…for a good cause, obviously! We are cute and cuddly and like to go on silly spontaneous adventures that involve food at some point. We are just as dorky and smart on campus as we are dodgy and exciting to watch on the court. Do you love mov-ies and late night snacks under the covers? If so, throw us your cash cause we dig that too. Do you like to skate, ski, swim or anything that involves sweating….? Good news! We love being active too! Do you enjoy lame but funny jokes? We got tonnes up our sleeves! Make sure to come out and spend all your cha-chings on us two beauties ☺

LOVE AUCTION

Jennifer Malkin & Victor ChowdhuryHi Friends! We are the fabulous Victor and Jennifer. We originate from 2Mackenzie which is known for its fantastic dodgeball skills. So people have dodgeball crushes on us. All the time. Victor is VP Young Money this year. So peo-ple have to love him. And JMoney is the FC on 2Mac and she is a STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN, but is down for a date as long as it’s fabulous. Why should you go on a date with us? We will blow you away with our dodgeball skills and we’ll serenade you with our awkwardness. Oh and Bruce might make an appearance. Victor gets more than 10 likes sometimes on Facebook so that means he’s a big deal. JMoney once started to cry because she was overwhelmed by the adorable cats on her Instagram feed. Our social me-dia presence is on point. See you at L.O.V.E. Auction. Make sure to empty out your bank accounts for us. It will be worth it.

Jess Wensman & Danielle DojackHey Lister, We are both 2nd years, Kelsey born, Henday raised. We’re FCs this year, Danielle on 8H and Jess on 3H, so if you like women who know how to take charge don’t be afraid to make it rain. Danielle is majoring in Biology. She can help you study; she knows that anatomy inside and out. She is from Victoria, B.C. and used to being surrounded by the ocean so she’s missing those long walks on the beach. You can probably find her hanging out in the lounge or going for a stroll through that chem building. Jess is studying Nurs-ing and knows a lot about caring for your mind and body. You’ve probably heard about that nurse’s touch... well Jess has got it. She is from Labrador City, NL so basically the North Pole; she can help you stay warm in the long winter to come. You can probably find her in the Tuckey picking her dodgeball crush of the day, or keeping up cute Henday’s reputation. Keep your eyes open and your jaw off the floor when you see us in the L.O.V.E. Auction!

Leila CroftonHi, there! My name is Leila and I’m on MDH this year. Some fun facts about myself: I’m the current VP Henday, I’m on the U of A Dance Team, I’m in a double degree of drama and education, and I like Netflix and tea. I’m an artsy girl who enjoys a night of sitting and watching other people perform things, whether that be on film or live. I also enjoy eating. I mostly just enjoy any dates that involve sitting. As you can tell, I’m very exciting. I would love to meet some new people and/or hang with old friends through a lovely date provided by this year’s L.O.V.E Auction, so ask me out and let’s have a nice night together.

LOVE AUCTION

Patricia SlippHey, Lister! My name is Patricia Slipp, otherwise known as Beef Patty. It’s my second year in Lister, originally from Red Deer but now I hail from the beautiful 5 Schaffer as the FC. Some of my favorite things are Harry Potter, Netflix, napping and binge watching entire TV series in an unhealthy amount of time. I can be found in three places, the caf pretending to study, the Tuckey yelling my face off, or without fail… my bed. Fun fact: I am taking Spanish this semester so allow me to sweep you of your feet in two different languages. I love being involved with everyone and the LOVE auction is a great way for me to get to know everyone even more! I’m a huge fan of the Oilers, so if that’s a deal breaker for anyone then too bad because I promise I’m a bundle of fun. I’m also a well-known doctor slayer, if you know what I mean. So come down to support a great charity, and in turn get to go on a great date with me!

Mathew Schroeder & Alex SalmonMathew Schroeder is a second year student at the Univer-sity of Alberta. Mat has been known to enjoy throwing balls and embracing his inner Pirate. He is often at Duke’s Diner or Knoxvilles Tavern where he spends time sharing a casual beer with pals or attempting to dance. Mat’s claim to Lister fame is that he is the most overrated player in the LDL, and also looks like a cat. Despite exterior pressure by his friends to become a scumbag, Mat remains true to his nice guy ways and will treat you right. Alex Salmon is a first year student at the University of Alberta. Although he is only in the top six of Alexes on Chief, he is slowly establishing a reputation of be-ing a very soft individual. Salmon may come on a little rough to you if you are older than him, but that’s only because he prefers a younger generation. Salmon enjoys theatre, El-ton John and watching Declan Riley play dodgeball. He will give you an extremely satisfying date. Alex has played many sports in the past though it is safe to say he was average at best. Salmon is continuing his mediocrity in the LDL.

Mini ChanHey, little bunnies. My name is Mini and this is my second year in Lister. A little bit about me: I was born in Malaysia, a small country in Asia but my family now lives in Surrey, B.C. My favorite sport used to be track and field (javelin obviously, I’m deadly with a spear), but now it’s dodgeball and my life’s goal is to face-shot someone (not that that’s ever gonna happen). My spirit animal is the Lion because I’m fierce and ferocious and ready to go on an adventure! I am also a huge fan of Dukes and it’s safe to say that I’ve used more quarters there than I have doing my laundry. I love long walks on the beach and watching Disney movies with my friends (Frozen is my favorite movie yet!). Also I love giving hugs to everyone I see, so, if you like hugs as much as I do, bid on me in the LOVE AUCTION!!! <3

LOVE AUCTION

Talha SajjadHey there Lister! I`m Talha and this year I`ll be standing on that LOVE auction stage waiting to be bought by one or many lucky individuals. Don`t be deterred by my age and wisdom, for much like wines and cheese, I have only gotten better with time. Some would even venture so far as to call me a very sharp cheddar or a fine sauvignon blanc. I`ve got this whole date thing down to a Tee and surely after a few minutes with me you`ll be ready to Tee off and embark on a journey you couldn`t even imagine in your wildest dreams. Proof? Let’s just say there is a reason Aladdin and I are both of the same ethnic royalty; magic carpet rides are our spe-cialty. So if you want your casual, usual run of the mill date, by all means bid elsewhere. Cuz If you buy me, well, pre-pare to get your socks knocked off!

David Hu & Todd LiDavid Hu: My name is David Hu, but my friends just call me Hu. I’m roughly 5’7 and 5’8 on good days. I’m in my sec-ond year of Neuroscience. A little about myself: I am a cook, a lifeguard, and arguably the perfect man for you... I am a hopeless romantic that will make you breakfast in bed and leave “have a wonderful day” post-its in your purse for those rough days. Oh, and you may have heard rumours of my “washboard” abs, but I guess you’ll just have to find that out for yourself tonight. Todd Li: I am 6’0, 185 lbs. I am in my 2nd year of nursing. I don’t have washboard abs but I am work-ing on it! I am a hopeless romantic and I would go to the end of the school campus for you. And this is my perfect date night; I’ll pick you up in my Rav 4. You get in. There are can-dles in my car. You say, “…Todd isn’t that dangerous?!” and I say, “yes, but I like danger.” We go out to your favourite restaurant, and we have a fantastic time. We come outside and we see my car’s on fire. You yell, “Todd your car is on fire! Aren’t you going to do something about it?” I pull out a bag of marshmallows and I say, “No, I knew this was gonna happen.” And then I kiss you in front of my burning car.

Patrick Aisekhalaye & Adeline CoetzeeOh, hey, sexy. Didn’t see you there; how you do? Our names our Adeline and Pat, but we also go by many aliases such as Mom, The Dolphin, #adelinesboobs and Black Dolphin. A little about Adeline is that she is a seasoned RA, who loves to punish these young, tall, and handsome boys and occa-sionally dabbles with the ladies ;) She spends the majority of her time shagging as many balls as she can, on and off the court…..HoooHa! You can see her walking around Lister, strutting her stuff and one thing for certain; you best believe she ain’t wearing no pants. Meanwhile, the Black Dolphin spends his time running with his pack, bringing a ruckus to whatever floor he finds himself on. But don’t worry, Pat has a soft side; he is currently studying nursing and spends all his time with women, so he knows how they work. Just kid-ding, no one knows how women work, but he has a passion for knowledge and is willing to try ;) So if you like what you see speak up and buy oxoxo

LOVE AUCTION

David Kim & Robyn ChrunykWe love potatoes, mashed, fried or in a salad; it doesn’t mat-ter. Our love for potatoes knows no bounds. We eat, sleep and play with Mr. Potato head. In case you were wonder-ing, according to www.howmanygoatsamIworth.com we are worth a grand total of 20 goats collectively. Goats however, unfortunately are not an acceptable form of payment at the L.O.V.E Auction; we blame Kevin on this matter. David’s room number is 1012 Henday Hall. Unfortunately the date we have been assigned won’t be taking place at that loca-tion, however depending on how the date turns out further arrangements could be made. Pls buy us.

Shaelyn Lewis & Annaka RamsayShaelyn and Annaka first met this year, as they live a few doors down on 2 Henday. They are looking forward to the L.O.V.E. Auction experience, as they both enjoy long walks on the beach and candle light dinners. Just kidding. Shae’s ideal date would be ordering in Wok Box and watching some funny Adam Sandler movie (as it never seems to disap-point). Annaka’s ideal date would be walking to Dairy Queen any time of day. Shae likes to travel, visiting places across Canada, North America, Europe, and South Africa. Annaka has invested most of her time locally in Penticton, as she was crowned Miss Penticton for 2013-2014. Shae has al-ways been actively involved in sports and continues her passion with recreational sports on campus, dodgeball, and lacrosse. Annaka’s creativity sparks her interest in painting, but she also enjoys being involved in sports, as she plays recreational volleyball on campus. Together, Shae and An-naka never seem to have a dull moment, whether they are constantly laughing, caught eating food, or attempting to work out (a.k.a. 5 sit ups)!

Katy Luky & Alexa MartinHi! We’re Katy and Alexa: looking better in black than the widows of our enemies since 1996. We are very busy and very important. Katy is a talented and noble sunflower from Calgary, and Alexa is a remarkably lucky minx from the West Coast. We are an edge and centre shagger from Tenday, and yes, we like it on top. Please don’t ask us for our majors – we freely admit that we don’t know what we’re doing with our lives. Despite our dangerously sharp wits and irresistible charms thus far our one true loves remain ourselves, but should you be up to the task, that is a fact you may be able to change.

LOVE AUCTION

Taylor Smithson and Janna BradshawIt’s been said, that if you put Taylor Smithson, Janna Brad-shaw and Nicolas Kage dressed in full Colonial garb togeth-er in a ball pit, every one of them leaves with a full serving of fruits and vegetables. And all over Lister, everybody gets laid. Also, potatoes.

Alexandra BossioHey everyone! I’m Alexandra Bossio, an RV on Main Kelsey this year and first year business student. My hometown is Jasper, Alberta up in the mountains so I think nature is pretty neat and I like to do things outside. I’m super excited to par-ticipate in the L.O.V.E auction and raise some money for the Heart and Stroke Foundation (well.. hopefully.. please buy me!) My hobbies include chicken wings, netflix, sports, pro-crastinating and peanut butter. If any of these things interest you there’s plenty of conversation to be had! Purchase me and let’s share a lovely evening/afternoon and get to know each other a little better!

Justin HodgsonHey, everyone. That was a nice ride in here; I guess that’s why they call it Sin City. But actually, I am Justin Hodgson (Long Pole works as well… my nickname from last year, la-dies...) the FC on 1 Mac! I am in Animal Health Sciences (Yes, pre-vet is a REAL thing), I started riding horses before I could walk and love to fly fish! My favorite things to do in Lister are drag people back to a wall while others try to kill me with red balls. I was an Allstar last year; you know what that means 96ers. I also have a weird obsession with my dog, he is my best friend and I think he is the best cuddler that there is but if you think you could change my mind, that is always up for debate! I am a pretty good fisherman I’ve been told but I think I am an even better ladies’ man. Let me take you to on a lovely date and you be the judge all the while raising money for a great cause!

LOVE AUCTION

Pauline Ovenden-KamkaiHello, my lovelies, yes your dream has come true, I am available for LOVE Auction. Now, I know you all have a burning desire to be with me, but first let me tell you about myself. I dislike clothing of any kind, my current and previ-ous floors can attest to this. If you see me dressed even in jeans, please know that is effort, and that is also me keeping my campaign promise from last year to wear real clothes for Schaffer. If not making the extreme effort to wear jeans you will likely find me decked out in LDL wear, as is my natural state of being. My hobbies include dodgeball, video games (only role playing honey ;) ), being hilarious, craving nachos or fries and having no boundaries. Can I satisfy your needs? Can you satisfy mine? Do you like having someone of au-thority “over you”? Will you satisfy my need for monetary support as my future involves being a starving artist? Come to LOVE Auction.

Ilya UshakovDo you like long walks on the beach? That’s too bad, be-cause I don’t. Pina coladas? How about one Big White Rus-sian instead?! That’s right, I hail from the motherland and I am fluent in the Russian tongue. That’s not all either…Have you ever been romantically serenaded to sleep by a beauti-ful rendition of Amazing Grace played on bagpipes? Well, tonight could be your lucky night! If bagpipes aren’t your thing though, I play lots of different instruments, so whatever tickles your fancy. I love spontaneous adventures and nerdy things like politics and the economy. Purchase me and I’ll forever be your Superman!

Mark ReadmanHello, to all fellow Lister friends. My name is Mark Read-man. I am in my first year at U of A and am proud to say I am a member of 9 Henday. In my free time, when I’m not busy awaiting the arrival of Skulk, I enjoy romantic strolls to the mar or caf. Outside of searching for food, I like hanging out in the Tuckey, playing recreational sports, and practically anything other than studying for midterms. Don’t worry if it isn’t time for midterms; I’m always up for some premature procrastination. If I’m lucky enough to have you purchase me, you can expect a slightly above average night. So, if I’m the one who fits your bill, come on down and make it rain and hopefully we can hit it off.

LOVE AUCTION

Deepak Venkatesh & Brant MartinWe are Deepak and Brant. Also known as #asshatBrant. We both live in Aboss’s closet, although she doesn’t know it yet. We are M-2K Foosball Tourney Champs (haven’t won yet, but let’s get real, who could possibly beat us?). Brant is dodgeball captain and ladies’ man. Deepak is perfectly ordinary. Brant loves to go to Dukes and have a good time. Deepak plays League in his room (Evan Gerrard sucks at League)…If you’re looking for an extraordinary night out, don’t buy us. We will give you a perfectly average time.

Stephen RaitzHOLLA. I am Stephen Raitz and I live on 11 Mackenzie. 11 Mackenzie is a quiet floor but I am not really that quiet … AT ALL. If you hear screaming/yelling/shrieking from 11 Mackenzie it is probably me! Most of the time I am yelling at one of my RA’s because it confuses her hahaha Oh Claire you are such a god sport LOLOLOL. P.S. I am not scream-ing mean things at Claire!!! I say things like “CLAIRE!!”, or “CLAIRE COOL HAT!!”, or “CLAIRE I STOLE DISCO BALLS FROM KELSEY!!” Also, just a disclaimer, I do not direct all my shrieking at Claire. I say things loudly to pretty much everyone I think is cool. And sometimes I just yell for no rea-son and at no one in particular so there’s that. I am no spring chicken! Although I look like I am 12 years old I can assure you I am an adult. I like to run up hills. I like to run up hills so much that I run Ultramarathons. My sign is a Taurus. I have good time management skills. I am literate and I am the op-posite of a spendthrift so I frequent the many ‘FREE BOOKS TABLES’ on campus. Why would you want to buy a non-spring chicken, such as myself, for the L.O.V.E. auction? Let me tell you why:I am really good at talking about relatable things like MTV, Taylor Swift, 10$ or less Wine, literature focusing on Canadian Landscapes, Crimea, Remembrance Day, and Ebola. I like to go on adventures. And if our date is going horrible I will just run away, no hard feelings!! Plus who wouldn’t want to support charity!! Thanks for reading my bio and please buy me!

LOVE AUCTION

Zachary Gilchrist & Sean TammenZachary Gilchrist and Sean Tammen are the FC’s of 4 and 6 Mackenzie respectively. Both are in their second year of en-gineering and are looking for a lady to sweep them off their feet, metaphorically not literally because that would be kinda freaky. When not in their rooms calculating the bending mo-ments of inelastic deformable bodies bearing a distributed load they can be found in the gym maintaining their chiseled physique. Which way to the beach, ladies? Some may say chivalry is dead, but not with these two hunks; they know how to treat a lady right. When asked, Zach’s favourite sex position is:. And if you don’t get it, don’t worry I’m sure they can demonstrate it on your date together.

Kevin LaiHey all! I’m Kevin Lai, VP PR, resident old guy, lover of all things adorable, and pretty much a weird mobile installment in Lister Centre. I enjoy long hashtags, sarcasm and irony (I don’t mean sad ironic, I mean funny ironic. I really don’t know what I’m even saying here but it makes sense to me so I’ll roll with it). I also enjoy the simple things in life, like sitting on comfy couches, lazing about in the Tuckey, and watching kitty/puppy/viral videos! Honestly I don’t know how to write a good bio, and that’s really awkward because I’m kind of in charge of this whole shebang, but nevertheless WEOOOOOOOOOO LOVE AUCTION! I’m sure I’ll snag myself a really good date, so I don’t even need to ask for anyone to buy me in my bio because I am so confident that I know everyone in Lister and everyone will want to buy me (That’s the sarcasm #HaHaHaSomeoneLoveMePlea-seImSoOldAndAlone #TheresTheLinkBackToWhatISaidA-boutLongHashtags #ActuallyLongHashtagsAreKindOfIro-nicInASenseSoThisAlsoExplainsWhatISaidBeforeAsWell #WeCameFullCircleWhatAnAdventure)

Gillian PerletteHi!! My name is Gill Perlette and I am in my second year of Environmental Engineering. I am also the FC on 5 Mac. My hobbies include dodgeball (Duh, all the shagging), watch-ing hockey and pretty much anything but doing my assign-ments. This summer I spent 2 months traveling in Europe and to date I have been to 30 countries. I have worked for 2 years at a children’s camp in the mountains and I absolutely love being in the outdoors and being active. I’m a huge fan of all sports and I love running and hiking too! Fun Fact: I have a large obsession with cats and I could very well be one of those crazy cat ladies in a few years. Unfortunately, Lister doesn’t allow cats, but if they did I would have at least one. I love Lister and hanging out with my floor and tower is my very favourite activity. I’m a pretty outgoing person and am always keen on trying new things and meeting new people. I’m excited for my date and I can’t wait to have an awesome time!!

LOVE AUCTION

Tilynn BauckHola, Lister, my name is Tilynn Bauck and I come from a very, very small town in Saskatchewan. You may think this makes me naïve and innocent but I promise I’m not. I live on 7 Schaffer this year and as our line chant states, I am in fact a boss ass bitch. Some of my specialties include: making dorky references only I understand, being hit with the shame ball (my record is 7 in-a-row), drinking too much chocolate milk, and pretending to study. You’ll most likely find me spending four hours straight sitting on the dirty floor in the Tuckey and yelling provocative things at my dodge-ball crushes. A bonus to going on a date with me is that I’ve never actually been on a date, so the bar is set very low and you don’t have to feel any pressure. If I’m not spending all my time on the dodgeball court I’m fixing the internet, which if you get on my good side is an added bonus for you. This is just a tease, but I promise if you buy me you’ll discover so much more!

It’s simple! Pick up a pledge form at the bottom of your tower, raise a minimum of $15 in pledges to be an eligible moustache, and at the end of November, send in a picture of you before and after you grow that manly piece of facial hair to sareeta@ualberta.ca. We’ll take your picture and post it on the LHSA Facebook page for people to vote on. If you win, we’ll feature you on the first cover of 2015, and you get a prize - the moustache with the most pledges also wins a prize!

Good luck, and don’t forget to donate towards prostate cancer research online at ca.movember.com.

IMPORTANT DATES & ANNOUNCEMENTS

CAMPUS & EVENTS

Green Spaces Challenge

FaSHfredt

Hockey Night with MHC

Spy vs Spy

LOVE Auction

Campus Cup

Last Day to Drop Courses FugitiveUASU Kelly Taylor Comedy Night

HHC Stress Relief: ice cream & movie party

Kelsey Dodgeball Tournament

Nov. 12-26

Nov. 14-26

Nov. 15

Nov. 17-21

Nov. 18

Nov. 21-23

Nov. 26

Nov. 28

Nov. 28-30

AnnouncementsThe UASU is still looking for volunteers to help out with its Christmas Party for Kids on Dec. 5. Volunteering

for this event is a great way to make a difference in the lives of youth, gain volunteer experience and get into the holiday spirit. Anyone interested in volunteering can fill out an application by checking out the SU

website and following the link for SU Christmas Party for Kids under the Events and Venues tab.

editorial mastheadissue 5 the lovehouse

editor-in-chiefSareeta Lopezsareeta@ualberta.ca

section editorJAIMEE RUSSNAKRUSSNAK@ualberta.ca

PhotographySarah DunnetJOEL AGARWAL

+ a special thanks to the lhsasee you in two weeks!

MandatoriesHansol Sean Lee

Taylor WilsonKirsten Edmondssami millershiprobyn chrunyk

Rachael Phillips

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