Leveled - June 2012

[free]

www.leveledmag.com

4 LEVELEDMAG.COM

1816

80

10

83 85

36 38 40

issue 001006 who we are007 A Note from the editor

Columns053 My Life Waiting [Tables]

068 Open Letter085 Brave Things092 Political rants with crazy carl

Real Talk044 Off Stage with Robert Delong049 Breaking Character with Natasha Leggero056 Artist-to-artist with paintshop studio

Gag Reflex034 Texts of the month035 Complaints & Grievances036 Monthly Prank037 A how-to guide038 Craigslist Chronicles

LEVELEDMAG.COM 5

70

28 32 33

87

54

92

69

94

010 PHOTOGRAPHY BY FLORIA SIGISMONDI

016 THE BEASTIE BOYS’ GREATEST LEGACY

018 50 WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER

032 #STREETART

052 IF I HAD MONEY, A POEM

054 SUMMERTIME STYLES

069 SEX IN VIOLENCE

080 CODI BARBINI

083 IPHONEOGRAPHY

087 FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK

094 THE INTRODUCTION

6 LEVELEDMAG.COM

EDITOR IN CHIEFEXECUTIVE EDITOR

CREATIVE DIRECTORINTERACTIVE DIRECTOR

MANAGING EDITORMANAGING EDITOR, FASHION

CONTRIBUTING EDITOR

COVER PHOTO BYPHOTOGRAPHERS

DESIGNER

CONTRIBUTING WRITERS

COPY EDITORS

MASCOTS

DANIEL LEEBRAY ADORNETTO

DAMIAN ESTRADADOMINICK VITELLI

MATTHEW LEEBVICTORIA ZENGOSHANE IAN GILMORE

Anjelica JardielAli Jardine, Anjelica Jardiel, Ben Miller, Carsten Witte, Codi Barbini, Floria Sigismondi

Dante Cho

Ali Baker, Anna J, Bruce Pinsler, Carl Withers, Jamie Maleszka, Leonard Charmichael, Nora Gordon, Seymour Pin, William Goodman

Tim Puder

LOLA, SOPHIE, GRAHAM

COPYRIGHT © REACH INTERACTIVE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. REPRODUCTION WITHOUT PERMISSION IS PROHIBITED.LEVELED IS A PUBLICATION OF REACH INTERACTIVE. PRINTED IN THE USA.

crew

print. web. tablet.

www.leveledmag.com

LEVELEDMAG.COM 7

A NOTE FROM THE EDITORThe key to happiness

Quote of the month

Tell PETA my mink is dragging on the floor.

-Kanye

When I woke up face down on my desk about 15 minutes ago, I felt like an idiot. As I molded my face back into shape and began to brew a fresh pot of coffee, my

dog Lola sat there looking at me like I was an idiot. I did my best to prevent her judgmental eyes from affecting me, since she’s not the most pleasant looking sleeper either. In fact, she was only half awake herself, she had an inch or so of dry, tired tongue hanging out of her dry, tired mouth… so who is she to judge? Nevertheless, she just kept staring at me, with an equal amount of judgment and confusion in her eyes. As I questioned her as to why she was staring at me that way, she just proceeded to glare. Something didn’t make sense to her. Perhaps she wondered why she didn’t wake up in her bed, or why I decided to use a computer keyboard for a pillow. For all of the debacles that she has been an accomplice to in the past, this seemed like a rather mild occasion for the depth of her apparent concern. As the coffee brewed, she quickly lost interest and made her way over to a rawhide bone, where she began to gnaw at it with the same intensity as her confused yet judgmental stare.

When Lola has her bone the rest of the world stops. She is dedicated, determined and completely enthralled in what she is doing. It has always amused me how devoted she becomes when she is chewing on a rawhide. Often, when she gets in what I like to call the “chew-rhythm,” her jaw begins to fluently rotate on the object, and her eyes roll back in her head as she enters into a complete state of euphoria. While in this euphoric state, nothing can distract her from her target – transforming a hard, tasty rawhide bone into a disgusting, slimy carcass of a rawhide bone, and then ingesting that slimy mess into her stomach.

I poured a cup of coffee and thought about how bizarre it is that dogs love to chew on things. Then I thought how

funny it would be if people shared this ridiculous habit, and in the same moment, how annoying it would be to worry about my brother chewing up my shoes every time he came over.

When I looked back at Lola only a few moments later, she had fallen asleep chewing the bone. Her head had fallen to the ground, and the half-maimed rawhide that her head rested on appeared to be more of an inconvenience than a pillow… and I glared at her the same way she had glared at me a few minutes before.

I suppose when you find something you love, either temporarily or permanently, nothing else matters. You become so captivated by what you are doing that there isn’t even time to take the bone out of your mouth before you fall asleep. No one may understand your obsession, how one particular thing can shut out everything else in your life, but it exists, and it’s the most incredible thing in the world.

Whatever it might be: a job, a man or woman, a rawhide or anything else… Find your obsession, and overdo it.

Overindulgence is the key to happiness.-Daniel Leeb

LEVELEDMAG.COM 7

PHOTOGRAPHY BY FLORIA SIGISMONDI

16 LEVELEDMAG.COM

The Beastie Boys died on May 4 in no doubt a staid and sterile hospital room at New York-Presbyterian Hospital, where Adam “MCA” Yauch, only 47 years old, lost a three-year-long

battle with cancer of his salivary gland and lymph nodes. An icon of youth—of my youth—died in the most adult way imaginable.

When I found out I was at work at my Midtown Manhattan office at Fuse TV, and I had to wrestle for composure as I reported the news on the website I write for and edit. It was the first time I was that moved by a public figure’s death. I wasn’t around for the lives or deaths of Jimi Hendrix, John Lennon, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Elvis, and others of that ilk. I was only 12 years old when Kurt Cobain killed himself. Music has played a large role in my 29 years, and Yauch was the first musician that I watched throughout the many stages of my life, and then I watched him die. When I called my lifelong pal Spencer to discuss the news, he said, “It’s like one of my best friends ever died.” That’s the effect the Boys, and in particular MCA, had on people, especially my group of friends as we grew up in suburban Seattle. The Beasties were the rock stars that made fame seem attainable, cool, and possible on your own terms—and that was empowering. But at the heart of it all, beyond the royalty checks, the girls, the booze, the record advances and parties in the Hollywood Hills, was their unbreakable, impenetrable friendship, and that’s the legacy Yauch and the Beastie Boys will leave behind for me.

I couldn’t say when, exactly, my two older sisters introduced me to the Beastie Boys, because it feels like they’ve always been there. But it was with my friends, in junior high and high school, that I really experienced their music and lifestyle, which were one in the same.

Starting freshman year my crew and I rocked house parties, crushed Budweiser tall boys and generally caused as much trouble as possible.

Mailboxes were exploded, golf carts driven at high speeds and totaled, and houses egged. The snickering of a gang of high school kids fleeing the scene seemed like a sentiment central to the Beasties’ code. The connection between my core circle of friends was like Michael “Mike D” Diamond, Adam “Ad-Rock” Horovitz and MCA’s—we were in tune with each other; we finished each other’s sentences. We rolled in a pack and always had each other’s back. We were skaters and rockers who held rap battles at house parties. We were a bunch of jackasses always trying to woo girls by making them laugh with our quick-witted banter. Our power was in numbers.

At first we obsessed over the Boys’ punk songs—“Heart Attack Man,” “Sabotage,” “Root Down”—and my respect for their music grew with their catalogue. One summer I “borrowed” Paul’s Boutique from my sister and bumped “Shake Your Rump” while driving my parents’ 1982 Honda Civic. We’d all rap in unison—“MCA’s got a beard like a Billy Goat—ooo-wah-ooo-wah!”—then we’d turn to face each other, freeze, and then mimic the chorus’ warped keyboard sound with a droning vocal buzz (try it!) and a waving motion of our arms.

Full disclosure: We were all bigger fans of bands like Weezer, Nirvana, the Pixies and Pavement, but the Beastie Boys’ language, perma-cool demeanor and smart aleck mouths became synonymous with my crew. I was known as Screamin’ Dreamin’ Goodman on both the basketball court and the microphone—we recorded our own rap songs, with one even making the rounds amongst our school’s student body one summer. During my verse the phrase “sexual surgeon” was used.

I remember seeing a photo of MCA, who at this point must’ve been around 30 years old, in a magazine and noticed he was tall, lanky—just like me. I saw him involved in the world of snowboarding (I even

By William Goodman

The Beastie Boys’ Greatest Legacy: Unbreakable FriendshipA reflection on the best thing that late rapper-musician-filmmaker-activist Adam “MCA” Yauch gave us

LEVELEDMAG.COM 17

began hearing more and more Beasties’ songs in snowboarding videos) and I soon discovered that Yauch, under the Nathaniel Hornblower moniker, had directed the music videos for “So What’cha Want,” “Body Movin’,” and “Intergalactic.” The Beasties grew up and Yauch graduated to Buddhism, supporting Tibetan Freedom and denouncing the group’s earlier disrespect of women in “Sure Shot.” The band evolved and never stopped looking for what was next.

In 1996 they released their instrumental album The In Sound From Way Out, a collection of jazz-funk-fusion jams with the Boys at the top of their game as musicians, after years focusing their efforts on the mic. They were experimenting beyond the dumb-fun party rhymes that defined their career to date, and it made sense to my friends and I. It was an unexpected ace.

Yauch helped prove the Boys were insatiable culture omnivores, and during my high school years, when people were defined by “punk” or “preppy” or a “jock,” my friends and I weren’t closed off to any music, sport, or lifestyle. We traveled freely between clicks, and that’s something the Beastie Boys taught us. MCA wasn’t a larger-than-life rock star; he was a 5 foot 10 inch role model.

After work on May 4, I walked downtown to the Lower East Side, to the corner of Ludlow and Orchard—the former location of Paul’s Boutique, the bodega immortalized on the cover of the album of the same name. I was seeking a communal experience. As I headed south on 7th Ave, I envisioned Ad-Rock or Mike D with a bullhorn, on the steps of what is now a fancy salad wrap joint—a “wrap” business, I joked under my breath. How ironic. I hoped the surviving Beasties would be there to say … something. I don’t know what, but something. When I arrived I took a photo, then stood around for a few minutes watching the foot traffic pass. I examined the streets and noticed how much has changed in my eight short years in New York, not to mention since the Boys’ glory days downtown. I wondered what they thought when they visited the area. Was it even recognizable?

In the days following MCA’s death, I couldn’t shake a certain scene from my head. And every time the subject of MCA arises in conversation, it comes right back. I see MCA in his bed at New York-Presbyterian, surrounded by his wife Dechen, his 13-year-old daughter Tenzin Losel and his parents Frances and Noel. There’s a triple knock at the door and Michael Diamond and Adam Horovitz enter the room. It’s a clear day; you can see the East River in the distance and beyond that Yauch’s native Brooklyn. Fully knowing that this might be their last time with their ol’ pal, Mike D and Ad-Rock are nervous, visually uncomfortable. The rest of the family excuses themselves for a moment, and Dechen puts a hand on Horovitz’s shoulder and grips Diamond’s wrist as she walks out. Then there were three.

“Stop it,” MCA says to their serious tone. Any tension is quickly broke up a

responding joke about Yauch’s bedpan, then another and another. Soon there’s chatter of the old days of Chinatown loft parties, when the band was just getting their start. They’re finishing each other’s sentences again. It’s a whirlwind of talk and all three get lost in it. Hours slip by. The duo sits on either side of Yauch’s bed, and soon Diamond taps out a just-for-fun beat on the steel rebar of Yauch’s hospital bed and they do a half-assed rap. “You should sample that,” MCA jokes in his now-raspier-than-ever voice. They all laugh uncontrollably, alarming the nurses passing in the hall outside the door.

Soon there’s a knock at the door and all the three are silent. A doctor enters and says their time together is over; it’s time for some tests. Diamond comes in for a long hug, kissing Yauch’s bony face. Horovitz follows suit, the tears sticking his cheek to Yauch’s. They both give their old friend daps, bumping fists. “You’ll be fine,” one of

them says. The other adds, “We love you” then after a beat fires, “ya deeeeeiiiiiccccckkkkk!” Mike D and Ad-Rock slowly back out the door as the nurses wheel in plastic machines around them. Yauch gives a half smile with the last bit of energy he can muster. The camera pans out and the door closes. End scene.

It almost certainly didn’t happen like this. As Rolling Stone notes, only Yauch’s immediate family were present when he died—his parents, wife, and daughter. And only few will know the condition he was in during his final days. For all I know he was unconscious. But this is how I want it to be. This is how I will always envision it. Because that’s how I want to die—surrounded by not just the love of your immediately family, but still protected by perhaps the Beastie Boys’ greatest legacy: their unbreakable friendship.

The Beasties were the rock stars that made fame seem

attainable, cool, and possible on your own terms—and that

was empowering.

photographed by carsten witte50 ways to leave your lover

28 LEVELEDMAG.COM

LEVELEDMAG.COM 29

PAINTSHOP STUDIO, Londonwith Rick Walker “Dep”

In three sentences, what are you guys all about?We are a London based creative studio that combines graffiti art, graphic design and marketing. Our aim is to keep pushing the boundaries of these disciplines; to always create something new and exciting in a dull and media saturated world… But ultimately we want to fund a modest lifestyle doing something we love and believe in.

What part of London are you from?We are based in deep dark South London, a place called Crystal Palace. There used to be a huge glass building here in the Victorian days, where they held a famous exhibition of art and culture from all around the world. It must have been amazing, but apparently someone dropped a cigarette after having a sneaky smoke in the basement, and it all burned down. All that is left now are a few misshapen statues of dinosaurs, or at least what they thought dinosaurs looked like in the Victorian days.

Do you remember the first time that you saw graffiti? I grew up in hip-hop’s heyday in the ‘80s, so there was graffiti around on TV as part of the boom. But the first time it hit me hard was when some older kids bombed my school overnight. This was massive for me. I’m not talking a few tags in the toilet… It was huge chrome dubs all over the outside of the school. Parts of the school were single story, so they were from top to bottom! I grew up in the outskirts of a small town in quite a rural area on the South Coast, so this was a big deal.

What influenced you to start writing graffiti?I was pretty good at drawing from a young age, and was into hip-hop, so it seemed totally natural. All my mates at the time had tags and did a little small-time bombing, I guess I just carried on and took it further. I remember seeing a copy of Spraycan Art when I must have been around 11, and I was blown away. Ever since, I wanted to create full color masterpieces like I saw in the book. Spraycan Art and Subway Art were both huge influences for me when I was starting out, so a few years back when I was painting a piece and looked around to see Martha Cooper photographing me, it was the highlight of everything I’ve ever done. It was the pictures she took for Subway Art some 30 years earlier that hooked me and made me do what I do today.

Has it always been something that you took seriously, or just a hobby that turned into a vocation? I never really take anything that seriously, haha… But yeah, it was a love and a passion that lead into a vocation. I was often asked by DJ mates growing up to do artwork for their mix tapes, then flyers for their club nights, and then a few record sleeves. After doing a design for a big UK hip-hop crew called Son of Noise, I realized this would be a cool job and worked my way into an apprenticeship with a small design studio, which was the start of a pretty long career in graphic design working for a wide mix of clients and brands. What I’ve been trying to do over the last few years is mix this design expertise and my passion for graffiti to make a new way of working, to offer something totally unique… and to create the perfect job, I guess!

Who were the writers that you looked up to growing up? Who were the most influential? It was a pretty small scene where I grew up near Southampton, but some really good writers came out of the surrounding area. Junk (Second2None) and Boer & OddBall (NT) were big in the area, but also writers like Bonzai LE

T EN

GLAND SHAKE PART

OF A STREET GALLERY SERIES FOR

ISLA

ND R

ECOR

DS.

30 LEVELEDMAG.COM

(ILW), Maine, Mage and CBR. That was who I hung out with, and they influenced me in a big way. I still paint with Bonzai after some 30 years! Other big influences were from trips into London. We were seeing writers like Elk, Diet and Zomby on the lines, and Mode2, Zaki Dee, Astek and Rough in the halls of fame. We traveled a bit to Paris and Amsterdam on graffiti trips as well, checking out artists like Lokiss, Bando and Delta, etc.

Was there a big street art scene when you guys were coming up? Bombing, trains? Ha! No, not at all really where I grew up. It’s a pretty shit small town on the outskirts of Southampton, next to the forest. Nearer into Southampton the scene got better, and over towards Bournemouth, but it was pretty small. Most of the people I hung out with were into hip-hop, but they were mostly DJs and MCs or skaters. This was before the internet, so the only influences from outside came from a handful of books, mags, and photos collected on trips. Also, because there wasn’t a huge bombing scene, we focused more on pieces and trying to get the best out of the crappy paint available.

It’s amazing if you compare the scene these days. It has become so much more acceptable, and loved by so many different types of people from all walks of life. For me, these are exciting times. Allowing graffiti to branch out, change, and evolve. Keeping it from stagnation is really important so that it doesn’t die out. Obviously the downside is that every kid out of design school is having a go to become the next Banksy without any real understanding of the culture, or without spending the time to develop their skills or style. But the way I see it is that this allows the genuine talent to continue and evolve without the usual hassle and beef. At the end of the day, these are the guys who will be around in another 10 or 20 years.

Did you ever get arrested for painting? I’ve come close a few times, but luckily no. I wasn’t too focused on the illegal action unless I was drunk… and that’s when I’m invincible anyway!! Haha!

What gave you the idea to bring your talents to the marketing/advertising arena? It was really to try and combine my work with my passion, but also I felt that marketing and design was becoming overly polished and totally soulless. I think graffiti or aerosol art offers the perfect antidote to this. It is unique, one-off, hand crafted, and can speak to people outside of the usual marketing channels. I was left feeling numb with the bland over-worked design and advertising that was being churned out, and I think a lot of people are craving a more hand made and honest aesthetic.

This is where Paintshop is coming from, and we are applying our art to as many mediums and medias as possible. From advertising to events, interiors to animated films, we’ve even done digital animations for PlayStation using just spray paint artwork that has been photographed, chopped up, and brought to life on a computer.

What’s in store for the future, upcoming projects, events and campaigns?We just had a dope new mix done by the amazing DJ Format. You can download this for free at www.paintshopstudio.com, please go check it out. We’re also currently talking to a big NYC MC legend about creating a graffiti promo video for his new album launch, so please keep watching this space! Oh yeah, and we want to come out to see what’s happing stateside sometime soon, and of course hook up with the Leveled crew… We’re just waiting for the excuse!

PUMA CLYDE DEDICATION WALL SHOWING SOME OF THE HISTORY BEHIND THE MUCH LOVED PUMA CLYDE.

LEVELEDMAG.COM 31

Quick answers:Favorite band and rapper: That’s tricky, but one of the following… The genius GZA, Rakim, Chuck D, Big Daddy Kane, MF Doom, Nice & Smooth….

Favorite paint: Belton is the best all around paint for me, but ‘93 and Montana Black are also decent.

What sucks about the world right now? Greed, control, and the blatant manipulation by our governments. It’s like they don’t even care enough to even do a decent job of lying anymore… Oh yeah, and insomnia.

Best graff artist in the UK now? Vibes RT, Roid HA/MSK, and my HOD crew.

Best graff artist in the US now? My US brothers in HOD crew of course!

The future of graffiti? Evolution. People need to move on, look to the future, and try new things, but always with the knowledge of what has been before.

Banksy? Who?

How can people get a hold of you? Check out our website www.paintshopstudio.com, find us on Facebook and Twitter under Paintshop Studio, or pop in and see us if you’re ever in South London.

PHOTO BY JEFF METALTOM VEK PART OF A STREET GALLERY SERIES FOR ISLAND RECORDS.

Follow rick on instagram @rickydep

32 LEVELEDMAG.COM

#streetart #getleveled

@brandyslittlebrother


Alyssa Rosenthal

@tadpole_renu


Alyssa Rosenthal

@tadpole_renu

Alyssa Rosenthal

@tadpole_renu

@damianestrada

@damianestrada

Alyssa Rosenthal

@tadpole_renu

LEVELEDMAG.COM 33

THEBRICKOFGOLD

WWW.THEBRICKOFGOLD.COM

34 LEVELEDMAG.COM

GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX //

Submit your texts to [email protected].

•According to the Museum of Sex, the vibrator was originally used as a medicinal treatment for female “hysteria” during the 19th century. The vibrator-induced orgasms helped doctors dissipate hysteria’s anxiety-related symptoms.

•50% of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri.

•The average size of an erect penis is 5 inches, and the average flaccid penis measures about 3 inches.

•Women take meth twice as much as they take cocaine.

•Although the 2009 rate of 99.1 diagnoses per 100,000 Americans is one of the lowest ever recorded, gonorrhea remains the second most commonly reported STD in the United States.

•While 1 out of every 142 Americans is now actually in prison, 1 out of every 32 is either in prison or on parole from prison, according to yet another report on Americans behaving badly from the Bureau of Justice Statistics.

•Semen contains zinc and calcium, both of which are proven to prevent tooth decay.

•Every 2 minutes someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted.

•There are over 200 euphemisms for death in the English language.

•The United States has 5% of the world’s population, but 25% of the world’s incarcerated population.

•What do Elvis Presley, Lenny Bruce, Orville Redenbacher, Robert Pastorelli and Jim Morrison have in common? – They all died in a bathroom.

•More than 400,000 babies are born addicted to cocaine each year in the U.S

•A human head stays conscious for 15 - 20 seconds after decapitation. A cockroach can live for up to 9 days without its head.

•97% of rapists will never spend a day in jail.

•There are approximately 12 million crimes committed in the United States every single year. That is by far the worst in the world. No other nation has more than 6 million crimes reported per year.

•The German drug producing company Merck was the first in the United States to produce and patent MDMA.

PERVERT OF THE MONTH

Texts of the month

the facts of life

Submit your texts to [email protected].

We’d like to congratulate the lovely Ali Lewin for spotting our June pervert of the month in sunny Coral Springs, Florida. Mozel tov Ali.

Submit your perverts to [email protected].

LEVELEDMAG.COM 35

GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX // GAG REFLEX //

Bruce’s Email Restaurant’s Response

I called the general manager of a really expensive

restaurant in Beverly Hills and told him that my

wife overheard the waitress tell me that her vagina

was extremely tight. He assured me that a staff member

discussing a vagina was against restaurant policy. I told him

that I enjoyed and respected the waitress’ confidence in her

love cave and that I only needed an email saying that she was

reprimanded to shut my vampire wife up.

Dear Joe,

Thank you very much for taking my call. I am truly

embarrassed and I am sorry for putting you in this position.

Like I said on the phone, I was drinking and my

physical attraction to this waitress may have prompted

her to discuss the attributes and virtues of her vagina.

It was a great night. I was making jokes about water

boarding those women from The Real Housewives show

and everybody was laughing.

I paid for the meal because I make more money than my

wife’s brother and I like to let him know this.

The waitress then made a comment about how “extremely

tight” her vagina is. No one else heard her and I was very

intrigued. I’ve always been a fan of a tight child channel.

Lol. As I was leaving I asked if she had ever been to Kenya.

Neither of us knew that my wife was close and the waitress

made another remark relating to how she was “soaking

wet” and reaffirmed her vagina’s “vice grip tightness.”

Please just confirm that she was reprimanded. Like I said,

the last thing that I want is my wife coming up there and

making a scene tonight. She is a vindictive sucker of souls.

Thank you for your time and effort.

The best,

B. Pinsler

Dear Mr. Pinsler,

Thank you for speaking with me and letting me know of

the experience you had at $#^%$$$ last week. I appreciated

your candor and informing me of the facts. I would like to

reassure you that I have spoken to the server on your group

and the managers on duty that evening and reiterated to

them our service policies and communication standards;

of course, clarifying what is appropriate and inappropriate

dialogue with our guests. I humbly apologize on behalf of

my team any embarrassment caused to you or your wife.

I hope that this one occasion does not impact your

thoughts negatively about *&^$^^&. We sincerely hope to

welcome you again very soon through our doors.

Yours truly,

(Changed to protect identity)

General Manager

^%&^$#* in Beverly Hills

Beverly Hills, CA 90210

Bruce PinslerBruce Pinsler is a poet and social

critic living in his mother’s basement.

Vote for him to win a Pulitzer Prize at pulitzer.org.

Follow him on Twitter @coozehound

Customer ServiceComplaints & Grievances

the waitress made another remark relating to how she was ‘soaking

wet’ and reaffirmed her vagina’s ‘vice grip tightness.’

36 LEVELEDMAG.COM

MAKE SURE YOU CALL YOUR VICTIM

ANONYMOUSLY. If you think that your victim will recognize your voice, choose another victim. In the United States of America, dialing *67 before dialing your victim’s number will make it virtually impossible for him or her to confirm your identity in a court of law.

ASK YOURSELF NUMEROUS TIMES IF PRANKING HIM OR HER IS REALLY A WISE

IDEA. If you think this person can take a joke, then be my guest, but keep in mind that some people startle easily and what started as a prank phone call can end up in serious injury or even death.

Remember that when someone feels they’ve been placed in a threatening or harmful telephone call, they will go to any length necessary to find the culprit. Police and Internal Investigative Reporters have been dealing with jokers on phones since the conception of the internet, so be sure you know what you’re doing.

DEVELOP A PERSONA. Come up with a funny name. I like to use something like Bill Dick. Also consider practicing an accent. If you’re white, pretend you’re black, if you’re

black, pretend you’re Mexican. For 1-2 weeks before making the call, practice your persona. This will further confuse the victim and help protect your identity. Remember that people make phone calls every day. Everybody knows that there needs to be a reason why you’re calling. So, develop a reason. Are you a salesman? A doctor with news of a disease or death in the family? A Jehovah’s Witness asking for money? An ex-girlfriend?

Whatever you choose to be, choose wisely and remember don’t take your “persona” too seriously. Identity theft is a serious crime punishable by prison time and or probation.

REHEARSE WHAT YOU’LL SAY BEFORE

THE CALL. I suggest buying a pack of standardized note cards and writing down what you will say line for line on each card. On the reverse side of the card write three of your victim’s possible responses.

DIAL THE NUMBER ON YOUR PHONE. I’m sure you all know the vast variety of phones on the market nowadays. I will tell you this, any phone will work. The phone that I recommend however is a Sony, portable household phone. You probably can’t find this as it is outdated but I use it and it’s the best.

SAY YOUR OPENING LINE. Sometimes people know it’s a prank and hang up, so own your persona beforehand. This is where practice makes perfect. I said it before and I’ll say it again, if you want something done right, do it yourself. I never make a prank call unless I have been practicing my accent and lines for at least two weeks prior to the call.

The opening line is the most crucial moment of the call. Say something like “Yes, I’d like to speak to the head of household” or “Is this Mr. [last name] speaking?” Icebreakers are key here. You want the victim to feel at ease and open to speak.

HANG UP BEFORE THE OTHER PERSON

CATCHES ON. As soon as the other person says something, HANG UP! Then start rolling on the floor laughing because you just fucking nailed ‘em! DON’T LAUGH OR BREAK CHARACTER. Even after you’ve hung up the phone stay in character; they may call you back or show up at your house. If this happens, you’re going to want them to think this fake persona is really who you are, or have become.

HOW TO MAKE A PRANK PHONE CALL

prank of the month to weaken the enemy

36 LEVELEDMAG.COM

HAVE A DAD WHO IS A LAWYER THAT GOT A FOOTBALL PLAYER THAT MURDERED HIS WIFE

ACQUITTED. THEN VIDEO TAPE BRANDY’S LITTLE BROTHER DICKING YOU DOWN.

BE WHITE TRASH.

EMBRACE THE STEREOTYPES OF YOUR ETHNICITY AND EXAGGERATE THEM ON CAMERA.

BE A FLAMBOYANT GAY MAN.

BE THE HYPE-MAN OF AN AFROCENTRIC RAP GROUP, START SMOKING CRACK AND BECOME

INTIMATE WITH A HUGE WHITE BITCH THAT USED TO BE MARRIED TO RAMBO.

BE A TROUBLE MAKING, DRAMATIC, LOUD-MOUTHED ASSHOLE.

WORK A REALLY SHITTY BLUE-COLLAR JOB AND MAKE IT SEEM PATRIOTIC.

BE A DRUG ADDICT THAT REFUSES SOBRIETY. THIS IS PROBABLY THE MOST FUN AND FULFILLING.

HAVE EIGHT BABIES CRAWL OUT OF YOUR VAGINA.

BE A SOULLESS, BLOOD SUCKING, MONEY HUNGRY HOUSEWIFE. PREFERABLY IN A WEALTHY

CITY OR TRASHY STATE.

BE FROM NEW JERSEY.

BE AN EGOMANIAC THAT COOKS FOOD FOR A LIVING.

BE A TEENAGE GIRL, AND GET EJACULATED IN UNTIL YOU’RE PREGNANT.

HOW TO become a reality tv star

to advance your position a how-to guideI’m convinced that The Real World started it. I blame MTV for all of it. I blame them for the violent mouth rape of culture in this country, and for the devaluation of fame. The rise of the talentless and average, the celebration of the sex-tape celebrity, and the syndication of money hungry housewives, are just a fragment of this televised AIDS that has spread uncontrollably since the early 2000s. America’s Got Talent, chefs, bachelors, fat fuck biggest losers, dancers and a contest show for everything except blowjobs. Which is the only job I’ve ever liked… I’m tired of it. I’m pissed off that

young people will never understand that Al Pacino is good at something, and “The Situation” is just some jack off that got lucky. There is no longer a clear understanding of why someone is famous. Even someone sucking a career out of YouTube is more commendable than these reality television swine. But there is a bright side to all of this. MONEY! There is so much money in this life-celebration porn that the networks are cumming in their pants to develop the next strand of broadcast gonorrhea. So I’m going tell you how to become a reality television star. It’s simple!

UNPENETRATED PATHS THAT THE AMERICAN VIEWERS WOULD LOVE

BE IN THE KU KLUX CLAN.

BE A BOY-BANGING PRIEST.

BE A FEMALE SEX ADDICT THAT GOES ON PENIS BINGES TWO TO THREE TIMES A WEEK.

BE A SERIAL KILLER THAT WILL LET A CAMERA CREW DOCUMENT YOUR WORK FOR A FEW SEASONS.

HAVE A LIFESTYLE FILLED WITH BIZARRE SEXUAL FETISHES, LIKE FISH FUCKING, OR PP & BALLS

TORTURE.

HAVE INCEST PLAY A MAJOR ROLE IN YOUR LOVE LIFE.

BE THE HAPPILY MARRIED, ALL AMERICAN FATHER... THAT IS SECRETLY GAY.

GOOD LUCK!

PROVEN PATHS TO SUCCESS THAT THE AMERICAN VIEWERS LOVE

America’s got talent,

chefs, bachelors,

fat fuck biggest losers,

dancers and a

contest show for

everything except

blowjobs.

38 LEVELEDMAG.COM

Hi :-) i am very interested and would love to meet.i have done this once before and very much enjoyed it.i have a healthy diet and hike regularly.i would love to do this again so i hope to hear from you soon...

Hi! I would love to accommodate you. When can you meet up? In call or outcall? Did you know that they made a movie about the Titanic? That retard from the Gilbert grape movie is in it!

good morning :-) outcall only and i have the flu at the moment so as soon as i get better i would like to meet...

Krystine

lEvEled

Krystine

H.E.

this

is a

real

response to a fake ad we posted on craigslist.

no other strong fetishes like this one but i can be dominant at times (only if the other is into that) and i like ordering to give me a massage. that’s about it though. is there a particular outfit you like to wear?

Cool. How do you want me to dress? Do you have any particular fetishes? You’ll be paying cash?

LOL. No dude, I’m a male prostitute! The first male hipster prostitute, actually. Once, I was at this woman’s house and she paid me $500 to finger my ass and call my mom at the same time. People are so weird. I can give you a discount. Are you into just a missionary/doggy dick down? I can munch clam really well, and it’s 20 more for the long tongue butt bath.

Krystine

lEvEled

lEvEled

hmm, i either misunderstood your ad or misunderstood your question. you asked, “you’ll be paying cash?”...are you paying or do you want to be paid??

Krystine

No dude, I’m a male prostitute! The first male

hipster prostitute, actually.

“Did you hear of this new thing, the ‘Ape Slammed Brown Eye Dance’?”

LEVELEDMAG.COM 39

I was helping my friend’s Mom look for her G spot and she said, ‘You’re so cute, you

look like a hipster.’ BOOM! Here’s a niche.

Oh, do you have a resume? I am putting my together and I’m having trouble with it. This fuck face client said she would give me a reference and then changed her mind. Stupid shit mouth. So what about you? How’s business? Have you been watching America’s Got Talent? What a bukkake mess! LOL We should start a he and she service together, there is a lot of money in that. We could get hired out for birthday parties, swinger parties, first communions, etc. Did you hear of this new thing, the “Ape Slammed Brown Eye Dance”?

i had a slave back in feb that was very generous, but now i haven’t been able to find any easy business that’s gonna pay me well enough. no, i don’t have a resume, the thought of making one has never even popped into my head. it has now, thanks to you, lol :-) i don’t watch much tv at all, if i do it’s documentaries on netflix. i think we should meet and see what we could do together. if we mesh well, i think there is a great opportunity to make cash. no, i haven’t heard of “ape slammed brown eye dance” but i’m assuming it has to do with shit in the face, lol. what is it??

Yes. I agree, it’s definitely a buyer’s market. I think this is a time where adult service providers really need to take advantage of the social networks to build our client list. I identified an opening in the market about three months ago. I was helping my friend’s Mom look for her G spot and she said, “You’re so cute, you look like a hipster.” BOOM! Here’s a niche. You NEED a resume! You can’t run your business half assed. Johns need to know that you are fluent in Spanish, or that you know your way around Microsoft Office. It’s not just about taking these micro-soft dicks and making them hard! (LOLZ at my own joke) Think outside the box. You’re selling more than your box... OMG you need to start watching TV. That new show Girls is so funny. I love watching the trials and tribulations of white trust fund kids! Butthole bathing! We should definitely meet up and start a small business. I think we would make a great team. We really have to build a unique brand. Then we can start franchising. This is some gangster rap shit. Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis… When we were dead broke, man we couldn’t picture this. I will show you the ape slammed brown eye dance. It’s some next level shit.

#thatisall

lEvEled

Krystine

lEvEled

Hey, wake up! Why didn’t you return my email? I wanna stab the folded bologna!

i’m sorry hun, i totally misunderstood your ad, lol :-) sweetie, i don’t pay for anything, im on a hustle just like you ;-) i was hoping to find a client, lol

lEvEled

Krystine

PHOTOGRAPHED BY ANJELICA JARDIEL.MAKE-UP GARRET GERVAIS. HAIR CHRISTINE SLOPKO. STYLISTS GARA GAMBUCCI & DOUGLAS VANLANINGHAMFOR AKAI ITO BOUTIQUE.

Dear Leveled,

Christina Aguilera says, “You’re beautiful no matter what they say.” This is a dangerous thing to tell teens, especially since most of the teens I’ve met have never read a book, eat chips all day and dream about getting rich and famous by doing nothing. They are not beautiful yet, it’s going to take some work! I don’t care if Katy Perry says you’re a firework! Fireworks have to work. It’s ultimately a pandering lie and it tricks teens into thinking that they can just lay on their sofas eating Oreos like pale, pock-covered whales and everyone’s just supposed to love them or even worse, that just because they have some physical beauty the entire world should treat them like Cleopatra.

My point is beauty isn’t something you’re born with, it’s something you achieve.

I’ve mowed lawns, delivered newspapers, worked in a grocery store, answered phones in a brothel in Australia (it’s legal there), got abducted by a con artist, dated two gay men (one 30 years older than me and the other one on food stamps). I’ve also been in therapy for two years and I meditate every day. I can tell you the four noble truths of Buddhism. I’ve raised two beautiful Chihuahuas and bought diamonds at Costco. I think I’ve earned the right to grace your pages. And if you don’t agree with me, fuck off.

Natasha Leggero Ageless beauty

42 LEVELEDMAG.COM

RED VALENTINO SWEATER, AMERICAN APPAREL UNDERWEAR, ASHLEY ROBISON DEATH OF THE PARTY SHOES, WOLFORD STOCKINGS, VINTAGE GLOVES, VINTAGE EARRINGS.

ROSA CHA BATHING SUIT, WOLFORD STOCKINGS, ANDREW KAYLA SHOES, VINTAGE CAPE.

44 LEVELEDMAG.COM

LEVELEDMAG.COM 45

FALGUNI & PEACOCK DRESS, WOLFORD STOCKINGS, ASHLEY ROBISON HERO HEELS, VINTAGE GLOVES.

DID YOU HAVE A GOOD CHILDHOOD?MOST IMPORTANT THING A COMEDIAN NEEDS IS A BAD CHILDHOOD.

WHAT WOULD YOUR TED TALK BE ABOUT?EYELINER.

DID YOU SEE MEL GIBSON’S TED TALK? NO.

DESCRIBE WHAT WINNIE AND KEVIN’S LIVES ARE LIKE NOW?I SEE WINNIE AT AUDITIONS.

WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT? $ $ $

WHAT WILL YOUR FRAGRANCE BE CALLED? EYEROLL.

WHO WOULD YOU RATHER DRINK WITH, LENNY BRUCE OR GEORGE CARLIN?GEORGE.

THE SADDEST THING YOU’VE EVER SEEN?KE$HA PERFORMING ON GOOD MORNING AMERICA.

WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT, JESUS OR ALLAH?DEF ALLAH.

THE WORST THING YOU’VE EVER DONE? ONE TIME I WROTE TO MY PEN PAL IN IRELAND THAT SHE WAS A LOSER BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T HAVE ELECTRICITY.

THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE? MAYOR CUTIE.

HOMETOWN & STATE?ROCKFORD, IL (MOST MCDONALD’S PER CAPITA)

THE LAST TIME THAT YOU CRIED?RECENTLY ITS BEEN EVERY 45 MINUTES.

YOUR FAVORITE DRUG?POT.

WHAT DON’T YOU WHAT PEOPLE TO KNOW ABOUT YOU?I MEDITATE AND I’M 4’11”.

LEVELEDMAG.COM 47

ELKIN DRESS, RACHEL PALLY NECKLACES, H&M BELT.48 LEVELEDMAG.COM

LEVELEDMAG.COM 49

50 LEVELEDMAG.COM

www.denmbar.com

52 LEVELEDMAG.COM

If I had money I’d buy parmesan cheese

And a frozen dinner

I’d go to the art supply store and buy a bunch of 49 cent

scrap board and some ink

I’d get a twenty dollar train pass

I’d go to a bar and buy a beer for everyone

I’d mail a statue to someone

If I had money I don’t know what I’d do

I’d buy extra batteries and a book

I’d pay my sister back and go record shopping

I’d buy groceries for friends and cook a dinner

With Tempranillo wine for Verne

If I had money I would go to a restaurant with a woman

And talk about how broke I used to be

I’d eat chocolate and pay admission fees

I’d buy some weed and cocaine

If I had money I wouldn’t have to sneak into batting cages

I’d buy a clothing rack and bunches of plain t-shirts

Shoes, definitely new shoes

If I had money I’d take cabs around from place to place late

at night

How is it that some people have money?

If I had money I’d give you some

After I got a blanket

I’d make digital pictures into real things

I’d get 500 copies of the greatest mash-ups of all time

I’d buy a press pass

A CD duplicator

And I’d get my old mitt bronzed

If I had money I’d pay November rent

The bills

And get a surplus of household items

I’d get notebooks and go to the library

I’d have money in my pocket

I’d buy a pack of cigarettes

Gregg has money and he always has two packs of cigarettes

One on the table and one he had probably forgotten about in a

box next to the couch

If I had money I’d go to Chicago April 19th

I’d dress in old suits and maintain an impeccable appearance

IF I HAD MONEYa poem by Seymour Pin

LEVELEDMAG.COM 53

This bitter waitress had a bittersweet brush with nostalgia over the weekend while spending some

time with two great friends from home. I enjoyed a beautiful Saturday off with my friends which made returning to work Sunday a monumental letdown. To add insult to injury, Sunday night was met with a consistent mix of rain and annoyed customers. Needless to say, I had a foul mood brewing and endured one of those shifts where you look at the clock every five minutes only to find that time is standing still. As the night wore on, my mix of sour mood and nostalgia for home left me thinking about the early days of my waitressing career. Once upon a time, I was less of a bitter waitress and more of a naive one… thinking that waiting tables was nothing more

than a fun summer job to put a little cash in my pocket. In those first months of slinging

beers and cheesesteaks for a living, an old friend – and seasoned veteran

of the restaurant world – gave me some biting advice that would

ring true for years to come:“Waiting tables is like

selling your soul to the Devil.”

While this advice may seem dramatic considering that all I do for a living is take orders and deliver accordingly, I have found that waiting tables is indeed the equivalent of selling your soul to the Devil… only at a

measly rate of 0-20%.

Now I must take a moment to acknowledge that most people probably also feel as if a small part of them dies in the daily grind of their professions. Whether it’s missing out on important moments of your life while putting in a 90-hour workweek, enduring the daily rants of your douchebag boss, or dealing with customers that treat

you as a barely capable half-wit, you have undoubtedly found yourself questioning your current career choice. A classic example for the bitter waitress is when a Manhattanite snob has the nerve to ask, in her most degrading tone

of voice, “Do you think you can handle that?” while placing an order. While I am human and certainly make mistakes at my job, I can assure you that 95% of the time I can handle telling the kitchen to put your dressing on the side.

I shared these thoughts last night with my fellow bitter servers as we endured an interminably long evening at work and found that they too felt that waiting tables was like selling your soul to the Devil. As Ray so aptly stated, “It’s like being banged in the ass without getting kissed on the mouth.”

So maybe we all sold our souls to the Devil, and maybe we all want to ring the necks of a handful of customers on any given day, but at least we are all in it together. And if we are all going to get “banged in the ass” without getting a goodnight kiss, then we have at least earned the right to bitch about it. Tip of the Day: If you’ve sold you’re soul to the Devil to make a living, I suggest the following...

1. Pick up a healthy drug or alcohol addiction. 2. Get a dog. No matter what you do, man’s best

friend’s mission in life is to make it better.3. Find a creative way to vent about how much you

hate your job or find time to commiserate with your equally aggravated friends and coworkers.

Take that Devil.

MY LIFE WAITING [TABLES]

“its like being banged in the ass without getting

kissed on the mouth.”

by ali baker

54 LEVELEDMAG.COM

GIRL’S SUNGLASSES LEFT TO RIGHT: RETRO SUPER FUTURE PEOPLE CARAMEL, SABRE VISION RUNAWAY TORTOISE, MOSCOT ADRIENNE BLACK HORN, MOSCOT ADRIENNE CRYSTAL

PHOTOGRAPHER ANJELICA JARDIEL. STYLIST VICTORIA ZENGO. HAIR CHRISTINE SLOPKO. MAKEUP CHERYL NACARIO. MODELS BRIANA SKYE, OLESIA KRASHCHENKO, ERIK DONLEY, ALEXANDRA RABE, LIZ LEYDA.

LEVELEDMAG.COM 55

56 LEVELEDMAG.COM

CHOP SIOUXY TANK, SENECA RISING SKIRT, DOLCE VITA SANDALS, WILDFOX COUTURE NECKLACE, CHAN LUU BRACELETS

LEVELEDMAG.COM 57

CHOP SIOUXY TEE, UNIF DREW SHORTS, 80%20 WEDGE SANDALS, CHAN LUU BRACELETS

58 LEVELEDMAG.COM

CHOP SIOUXY TOP, DOLCE VITA ESPADRILLE WEDGE SANDALS, OBEY NECKLACE, CHAN LUU BRACELETS

LEVELEDMAG.COM 59CHOP SIOUXY TANK, CHOP SIOUXY DENIM SHORTS, REPORT PLATFORM WEDGE SANDALS, LOW LUV RING

60 LEVELEDMAG.COM

LEVELEDMAG.COM 61

62 LEVELEDMAG.COM

GIRL’S SWIMSUITS LEFT TO RIGHT: WILDFOX COUTURE DAISY DENIM SINATRA BIKINI, STUSSY PROM CUT OUT ONE PIECE, INSIGHT CRYSTAL ONE PIECE, INSIGHT WILD ONE PIECE

HIM:MOSCOT EMERSON SUNGLASSES, SLVDR BROOKS TANK, INSIGHT RETRO STUD BUNKER SHORTS, CREATIVE RECREATION LACAVA SHOES

LEVELEDMAG.COM 63

64 LEVELEDMAG.COMwww.80spurple.com

LEVELEDMAG.COM 65

66 LEVELEDMAG.COM

CHOP SIOUXY SHORTS LEFT TO RIGHT: WILDFLOWER PEARL, WILDFLOWER DESERT ROSE, FORGET-ME-NOT NIGHT SHADE, WILDFLOWER LIGHT FLORAL DITZY.

CHOP SIOUXY TOPS LEFT TO RIGHT: CHLOE BLACKOUT HI-LO TANK, JOAN PEARL TANK, CHLOE RAZOR BLU HI-LO TANK, RUN WILD CUSTOM TEE. BRACELETS: CHAN LUU

LEVELEDMAG.COM 67HIM: TRANT CHILLA T-RANT-JUMBOTRON TEE.

Dear Reader,

I am pretty sure that I was absent on key days while in school.Crucial. Days.During elementary school. High school.Wherein they passed out all of the vital information imperative to a successful adulthood.Indiana Jones style skeleton keys.Here’s the missing portion of the ancient map that leads you through the ruins to the Island of the Well Acclimated.Maybe I was in the bathroom when it happened.I do have a very delicate bladder.As a kid, my dad never let us pee while on long distance car trips.Bathroom breaks would sabotage his master plan of always beating the apparently ever looming traffic along the I95.14 hours of holding it in, in the back of a Crown Victoria– your bladder is shot by age 8.Seriously. Destroyed.We’re talking comparable to the urinary tract of a 73-year-old Italian woman, who as a girl was paid by the piece to work on the line of a Lower East Side button factory with no fire escape.Shot.So maybe, yes, I was in the bathroom and missed the doling out of life’s essential tidbits.“This, boys and girls, is how you graciously exit an awkward conversation.”“Right here in this jar is something called follow-through.”“And with this here, love will be a 1-2-3 cinch.”

I only got long division and a scorched earth policy. Somehow, they’re just not as helpful.

Sincerely,Jamie Maleszka

An Open LetterAdvocating Peeing during Homeroom

68 LEVELEDMAG.COM

LEVELEDMAG.COM 69

As I was getting fingered in the back of the car, by this guy I had met only once before, he began to lightly choke me. A few things came to mind:

1) How did he know that I would be into this? 2) Ok, this feels good! 3) Hmm… What if he really starts choking me? Is this how I die? There’s a fine, imaginary line in which on one side you have

consensual, sexy playfulness, and on the other side, abusive and unwelcomed violence. Sexual encounters are becoming more aggressive and more violent, which inevitably further blurs that line during sex play. There is a salacious desire of using force, humiliation, and submission in sex. It may start with spanking, then turn into lightly slapping, and finally into jamming a panty down one’s throat while being tied up, unable to do anything but moan and lightly dry heave from the lace/mesh of the panty. (Thanks, Jerk! You were supposed to moisten the panties so that wouldn’t happen again.) It can be completely sexually satisfying, and send those endorphins into overdrive. Which, depending how hard you play can be a godsend, as long as both partners are into it and have discussed it! But then there’s insane jealousy that stems from not trusting your partner (rightfully or unrightfully so), where all of a sudden you’re throwing frying pans at them, and really anything else that you can get your hands on.

Nevertheless, light BDSM makes things more interesting in the bedroom– really any room, or car, or fill in the blank. For novices in kink, BDSM can mean several things; Bondage, my favorite and most iconic reference Bettie Page; Discipline, and let me tell you, I had to have lots of discipline as an undergrad constantly hearing ‘party’ everyday of the week, or while saving up for Coachella; Dominance and submission, and sadomasochism.

My new friend and I were talking about what roles we each prefer to play. I immediately said both, because I hate being typecast. It’s L.A. nobody likes to be typecast! Just think of Elijah Wood and the rest of

his Hobbit friends, who might be forever seen as, well… living in the Shire. Not to mention, in my previous long, boring ass relationship, I always had to make the decisions... for everything! I mean, it was ridiculous, I’d ask things like, “Hey, what should we order in today?”

“Mmm… I dunno,” he’d reply.“Ok Thai, burgers, Italian?” “You choose.” “Wanna give me a hint? Preference? Anything so I can just order

the goddamn food?” “Whatever, you choose.” Some might call it easy-going, others lazy, or a bad relationship.

But for me it was more. I just wanted to throw a frying pan at him, or the computer that he was glued in front of. It was a clear indication that a fine line had been crossed.

Anyhow, I continued to explain to my friend that I just want someone to take the lead. He agreed with me, and mentioned he preferred to be dominant, but could go the other way too. But he had a twist to the general view of being dominant, whereas you can be submissive while being the dominant partner, because whatever your partner’s desires are, you are giving in to them. In his thought, by being dominant (which is what your partner wants) then you are submitting to their desires. Sure this made sense! I didn’t need further explanation, so we went at it like bunnies. Like bunnies with masks, and collars, and silk rope and lots of lube; you’ll never see bunnies in the same light again.

BDSM, which I can honestly separate into categories, and possibly talk about all day, should never be construed as abusive. Any act of violence involved has limitations that must be discussed and agreed on by both, or all, partners. And when I feel sad or angry when certain guys don’t text back, and feel as though I’m at their mercy, but then suddenly get pleasure when they do text or call, I think I prefer to say I’m a masochist and want to be kinky instead.

There is a salacious desire of using force, humiliation, and submission in sex. It may start with spanking, then turn into lightly slapping, and finally into jamming a panty down one’s throat while being tied up.

by a

nna

j

OFF STAGEWITH

ROBERT DELONG

PHOTOGRAPHED BYBEN MILLER

Robert DeLong was a musical futurist, effortlessly fusing electronic dance music with traditional songwriter sensibilities. He was born into the Seattle suburb of Bothell, WA amidst the aural cacophony of the mid-1980s. Here he discovered his penchant for rhythm through the drum set.

Upon graduating high school, Robert packed up and moved down the coast to Los Angeles, where he immediately began drumming for multiple indie rock and folk bands. All the while he secretly developed his audio engineering and digital production chops, while continually writing songs.

In 2010, Robert began performing the tunes with MIDI interfaces, drum pads, keyboards and a laptop, eventually integrating game controllers, wii-motes, and a full acoustic drum set. Audiences immediately responded, and his show morphed into an audio-visual dance party experience, complete with live VJ, face painting, and a cult following known as the “Tribe of Orphans.”

After residencies in the OC and LA, opening for the likes of Dillon Francis, Starfucker and Porter Robinson, and successful performances throughout LA and at SXSW that garnered unanimously positive press, Robert was set up to lead the world into the next genre-integrating era, being hailed as “The Future of Music.” Unfortunately his success was his undoing: on May 15, 2012, Robert was struck down by a cyborg sent from the future to keep him from proliferating positive messages through his music. He is survived by his two laptops and the extended Tribe of Orphans.

72 LEVELEDMAG.COM

LEVELEDMAG.COM 73

74 LEVELEDMAG.COM

LEVELEDMAG.COM 75

Why do you make music?

It’s easier than physics. Also, it’s like voluntary mind control.

Did you think your life would be like this 10 years ago?

I thought I would be an astronaut by now.

Family Matters or Full House?

Family Matters.

Who will play you in your Bio Pic?

Will Smith.

Hometown and State?

Bothell, Washington.

Touring or Recording?

Both, at the same time.

What kind of kid were you?

The kind that knew Q-Basic.

Your Biggest Regret?

Not learning how to skate.

The home of the brave?

More like home of the bro(step).

2Pac or Biggie?

Mase.

The biggest influence on your music?

Popular Science & Partying.

The Future?

I’ll tell you later.

What do you hate?

Nothing, but even that is pretty cool.

76 LEVELEDMAG.COM

LEVELEDMAG.COM 77

78 LEVELEDMAG.COM

80 LEVELEDMAG.COM

Art has been a life long passion, but Codi’s love

for photography began when she was hired for

an independent horror film at the age of 15. The

photographs she took became the film’s one-

sheet, and she was hooked. At 17, Codi’s fashion photographs

were featured in published magazine spreads. Since then, her

work has ranged from fine art photography to photojournalism

and fashion photography. Codi’s passion for art doesn’t stop

there, and she has also stepped behind the camera as both a

Producer/Director and Director of Photography. Most recently,

she shot a sizzle reel in Alaska for Discovery Studios, and a music

video for an up and coming rapper. Her work has been shown at

the Annenberg Space for Photography, Space 360 (a Los Angeles

gallery), The Venice Art Crawl, and pop-up galleries around LA.

Ultimately, Codi is constantly striving for artistic expression; one

that blurs the lines between the art and the commercial.

Codi Barbini

LEVELEDMAG.COM 81

LEVELEDMAG.COM 83

Born and raised in Northern Mississippi, Ali Jardine

always knew that she wanted to be an artist. Her first

art teacher was surrealist painter Annabelle Meacham,

who guided her to create from dreams and fancies.

These after-school classes would be pivotal in creating the way

Ali looked at making art. After college, wanderlust took hold

and sent her on a series of road trips across the United States that

eventually led to Yosemite National Park. It was there she worked,

hiked the Sierras, and fell in love with California and her husband.

From the moment Ali got her first iPhone in 2009, she knew

that iPhoneography was her passion. Today she shoots and edits

entirely on her iPhone 4S. It is a challenge that constantly pushes

her to think in new ways, and keeps her eyes open to the world

around her.

Ali JardineiPhoneographer

all photos shot and edited on an iPhone 4s by ali jardine





LEVELEDMAG.COM 85

We’re leading workshops for youth and teachers in job training programs in

Liberia. Yesterday one of my Liberian colleagues

asked me, “How often do you want to have babies?”

I said, “Do you mean how many babies do I want to have, or how soon do I want to have babies?”

We stared at each other for a moment, and then both started laughing. He meant EXACTLY. What. He. Said.

“How often do you want to have babies? Every year? Every two years?”

At one of our trainings, a 14-year-old boy named Morris pulled me aside.

He said, “Nora, can you help me with something?”

Then he took my hand.I said, “Okay, of course.”He said, “I think you might be able to help

me… something happened to me.”So I held onto his hand and walked him a

few steps away from the school.Then he said, “It’s my eyes. I think

something happened to them.” He was cross-eyed.“Oh Morris, I’m so sorry.” I said. “I wish I

could help you with your eyes.”And then I asked him if he could get to a

doctor. He didn’t know. “My mom is in a nearby town,” he said.I asked his supervisors and they said his

grandma might be able to take him, but it didn’t sound very hopeful.

This was messed up for two reasons:1) He thought I had magical, American, white lady powers that could heal his eyes.2) I don’t.

BRAVE THINGS Liberia

by NORA GORDON

This was messed up for two reasons:1) He thought I had magical, American, white

lady powers that could heal his eyes.2) I don’t.

laura leon, photographer wearing theMoscot Cameron sunglasses

genevieve dellinger, art producer wearing theMoscot Winstonsunglasses

bryan sharp, writer wearing the

Moscot Lemtoshsunglasses

PHOTOGRAPHER DANIEL LEEB MODEL MIRANDA JAYNE GARRETTSTYLIST JESUS VARELA

TORY BURCH ROUNDED CAT-EYE SUNGLASSES, AMERICAN

APPAREL MICRO-MESH GLORIA-V BODYSUIT, LEVI’S JEAN CUTOFFS FROM URBAN OUTFITTERS, HOUSE OF HOLLAND BANDANA TIGHTS, JEFFREY CAMPBELL ALL-OVER

SPIKED LITA BOOTS

FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM.

EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK.

DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT.

FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EDREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM.




EEAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK.



EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EFUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK.



EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT.

POEM BY MATTHEW LEEB.




FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EDREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM.




EEAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK.



EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EFUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK.



EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT. FUCK. DREAM. EAT.

POEM BY MATTHEW LEEB.

92 LEVELEDMAG.COM

First off, let’s all thank the ancient Egyptians for introducing taxation to the world. A lot of great ideas originated from Egypt - beer and wine, papyrus (aka paper), geometry, the

alphabet, and many others. But the contribution we all undoubtedly love the most is taxes. The implementation of taxes has enabled so many amazing achievements throughout time. Thousands of years ago it led to the building of the first irrigation canals, roads, and bridges. To this day, taxes still serve to better our communities and countries.

There is one little catch though. Like the past, sometimes tax collections are used for things that some people don’t agree with, such as war, high wages and benefits for politicians, education, health services, canals, roads, bridges and pretty much anything else that is funded by taxes. We never have a problem justifying an expense that serves our own particular interests, but God forbid any of us is forced to pay for something that isn’t on our list.

Let’s face it, when it comes to money, we are all selfish and greedy to some extent. It’s because in this day and age, money essentially equals security, and we all have an innate desire to feel secure. Those who have more are able to secure benefits for themselves that are beyond the grasp of those with less. When it comes to whether or not someone is able to afford a yacht, this isn’t a big deal. However, necessities like food, shelter, and medical care are a different story. Taxation remedies this to a degree, by funding a broad safety net for those who have very little. There are some who strictly believe in the doctrine, “every man for himself,” and thus do not support the idea of having a safety net. However, there are a multitude of reasons why money and success eludes some people, and in most cases there are no easy explanations or solutions for this. Most successful people come from a dramatically different background than those who are at the bottom. While there are instances of people rising from poverty to wealth, they are rare. The

people born into poverty, abuse, neglect, etc., remain in this type of environment because these kinds of situations are very damaging, and create very few paths of opportunity. All the same, this logic is beyond those who choose not to accept it. It’s very easy to reject something you’ve never experienced and don’t understand.

Moving on, let’s direct our attention to where our tax dollars go. The most recent year we have conclusive data from is 2010. That year, the U.S. spent $3.5 trillion dollars on all of the Safety Net, Infrastructure, and Education programs. (By the way, these aren’t even the expensive programs.) Only $2.2 trillion was collected in taxes in 2010, which means there was a $1.3 trillion deficit that was covered through borrowing from other countries. When you

add that to the other trillions of dollars we already owe, this is clearly a monumental problem. It’s obvious that we are spending way beyond our means. The majority of our spending is on Defense and Security (20% - $705 billion), Social Security (20% - $707 billion), and Medicare, Medicaid and the Children’s Health Care Program or CHIP (21% - $732 billion). These programs all contain elements that can be made leaner and more efficient. However, members of Congress are scared to do anything because

many Americans are hyper sensitive about any changes to these programs, and every member of Congress is afraid they’ll lose their cushy jobs by actually doing their job. The fact is, we are wasting billions upon billions of dollars by maintaining status quo, and until we correct this, we will continue in a downward spiral. The question is how much longer can we continue this spiral until we reach the point of no return? We had best not find out. Major cuts and adjustments can, and need, to be made to all three of these programs, not just one or two. The sooner we demand and allow our Congressmen and women to do this, the better.

Aside from needing to get a handle on our nation’s spending, we have another massive problem of wealthy people and corporations

POLIT

ICAL

RAN

TS W

ITH C

RAZY

CAR

L

tax thisby Carl Withers

A lot of great ideas originated from Egypt - beer and wine, papyrus, geometry,

the alphabet, and many others. But the contribution we all undoubtedly love the

most is taxes.

LEVELEDMAG.COM 93

skirting their duties as American taxpayers. For the most part, what they’re doing is technically legal. There are countless exemptions, deductions, subsidies, and tax shelters that have been written into our tax code over time. Most Americans don’t know what they are, who they benefit, or why they even exist, other than the obvious reason of allowing certain people to pay less taxes. Just to give you an idea of how massively complicated the current U.S. tax code is, according to the US Government Printing Office, it’s 13,458 pages long. And rest assured, it’s massive and complicated on purpose because this allows it to be a gigantic mess that is basically too large to clean up. Despite pleas by many Americans and financial experts to streamline our tax code and remove most of what are basically kickbacks to the wealthy, the odds of that actually happening any time soon are slim.

The majority of us are fully aware of the exorbitant amount of money that’s thrown around in politics, both transparently and behind closed doors. However, there’s no way to truly estimate how much money has been spent over the years buying political favors to create and maintain the majority of tax breaks that exist for the wealthy. According to the nonpartisan Joint Committee on Taxation, just the tax cuts alone that were passed in the early 2000s have cost our nation $1.7 trillion dollars of tax revenue. That’s almost $2 trillion dollars that the vast majority of us received no benefit from. And for the Conservatives out there, that huge loss is even after factoring in the “feedback effect” of revenue that was generated by actually having the tax cuts in place. In other words, the supposed benefits to our economy that arose from the most recent tax cuts were far more damaging than helpful. That’s not to say that some tax cuts don’t actually stimulate economic growth as claimed, but not all tax cuts are created equal, and it’s high time we took a cold, hard look at where all this lost revenue is going.

As mentioned earlier, in 2010 our country collected $2.2 trillion in tax revenue and spent roughly $3.5 trillion, resulting in a deficit of $1.3 trillion dollars that we had to cover by borrowing from other nations. These numbers have been fairly consistent for several years, and the current outlook for the future isn’t much different unless we make some changes. These changes need to happen soon, because you can only rack up so many trillions of dollars in debt before it starts to look bad.

So what is the solution for all of this? Well, it’s really very simple, for as complicated as the problems are. We need to cut spending and raise revenue. While this undoubtedly makes sense to most, there are some very loud, belligerent voices on both sides that reject this logic. Some say we simply don’t collect enough money from taxes to fund our programs. Others say we have programs that are inefficient and wasteful, and that’s why we can’t afford them. This intense debate has raged for years, and the truly ironic thing about it all is that both sides are right. This isn’t an “either or” decision, it’s a “do both” decision. Ultimately, both sides will have to give up something and that’s why it’s been so hard to come to a consensus. No one ever wants to give up anything when it comes to money and benefits. Simply put, we’re all greedy and the sooner we admit it, the sooner we can put our emotions aside and start using our brains for a change.

WWW.LEVELEDMAG.COM

Leveled presents

The IntroductionMay 3, 2012 Leveled hosted an evening of celebration, relief and debauchery as a salute to our premier issue of Leveled Magazine. All in all, “The Introduction” was a success. Gallery 360 Melrose in Los Angeles was packed with beautiful women and chivalrous men. Leveled’s wall of questions was covered from the floor to as high as an arm can reach with the deepest darkest secrets of our attendees. Our friends at S.O.Terik locked down the back patio with live painting and as the booze ran out, we made our way to Hemmingway’s in Hollywood, CA for an after party hosted by our friends at Black Banditz. For more photos and the official “The Introduction” mugshots, visit www.leveledmag.com.

94 LEVELEDMAG.COM

LEVELEDMAG.COM 95

Documents

Leveled - June 2012