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Sample Chapter Keep Your Marriage:
What to Do When Your Spouse Says
I dont love you anymore!
By Nancy Wasson, Ph.D. and Lee Hefner
Copyright 2011 Adesso Media All Rights Reserved
www.KeepYourMarriage.com
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Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says I dont love youanymore! -- Sample Chapter
Copyright 2011 Adesso Media, All Rights ReservedTo Purchase the Entire Book go to www.KeepYourMarriage.com
1
We hope that you will find this information helpful in taking the first steps to
save your marriage.
Your goals boil down to doing two things: keeping your marriage together and
improving it. You wont have the first thing without the other for very long.
The very fact that your spouse made an announcement has upset the status
quo. The statement, I dont love you anymore has challenged you to do
something differently in your marriage. Otherwise you risk losing it.
What you have before you is a great opportunity to become the bridge to a
new marriage. Its also an opportunity to discover inner strength you may nothave known you had and to deepen your faith and commitment to your marriage.
If theres one idea wed like you to take away with you today, its the idea that
small steps lead to great progress. And if you can take small steps toward
improvement in yourself, that just might be enough to change the dynamics
between you and your spouse.
May the spirit of love bless your life in every way.
With Compassion and Love,
Nancy Wasson and Lee Hefner
Greetings
Were glad to meet you. Thank you for
downloading this sample chapter of our book,
Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When
Your Spouse Says I dont love you
anymore! Feel free to share this with your
friends and famil , also.
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Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says I dont love youanymore! -- Sample Chapter
Copyright 2011 Adesso Media, All Rights ReservedTo Purchase the Entire Book go to www.KeepYourMarriage.com
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Introduction
Please help us, Dr. Wasson , pleaded Tony, the man sitting across from meduring a counseling session. M y wife Julie says she doesnt know if she really
loves me or not .
His voice cracked as he continued, She says that she loves me like a friend,
but that she doesnt love me romantically anymore. She loves me, but she isnt
IN love with me. That doesnt even make sense. I dont understand .
Tony paused for a moment to wipe away the tears. I dont know how to
handle this. Julie wants to move out for awhile until she can figure out how she
feels. What should I do ?
._______________________________________________________.
This anecdote is typical of Nancys experience with numerous couples in
counseling through the years. Its a situation that drives many a spouse to misery
and despair.
Like Tony and Julie and so many others, are you a spouse who has been
blindsided by an unhappy partner who suddenly announces, I dont love you
anymore or Im leaving? Are you now wondering if you can save your
marriage?
With the words I dont love you anymore, a marriage can be split wide open,
along with the heart of the mate who may not have suspected that anything was
wrong. If this has just happened to you, you know the kind of heartbreak and
devastating pain that were talking about. And since youre reading this book, our
guess is that youre asking yourself Can my marriage be saved?In the midst of profound confusion, disbelief, and shock, spouses in this
situation find that its impossible to think clearly. You may find that endless
questions haunt you during every waking hour. What should you do next? What
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Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says I dont love youanymore! -- Sample Chapter
Copyright 2011 Adesso Media, All Rights ReservedTo Purchase the Entire Book go to www.KeepYourMarriage.com
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Survive the current crisis and buy time
Eliminate behaviors that can drive your partner away
Define what it is that you really want with and for your spouse.
Lay the groundwork with your spouse so that you can connect better. Develop skills that will help you deepen the intimacy in your marriage.
The actions that you choose to take now in relating to and communicating with
your spouse can directly affect whether or not she heads straight to divorce court
or slows down enough to reconsider. Appendix A in the back of the book gives a
summary of the ten action steps to take to keep your marriage.
Even if you are dissatisfied and disheartened about your current relationship
with your spouse, there is always hope. There are specific things we share in this
book that you can do right now to impact the quality of your bond with your mate.
By keeping positive and by taking constructive action, you are putting yourself in
the best possible place for good things to happen for you and your husband or
wife.
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SECTION I: Understand What Youre Dealing With
It is our desire to be happy, to be loved, and to have fulfilling lives. We all have
high hopes at the beginning of our marriage. Didnt you? You probably gotthrough the honeymoon phase of your marriage in relative bliss, and then life
happened.
People get caught up in work, conflicts, and fatigue. Couples drift apart for a
multitude of reasons. And now, youve gotten some disturbing news from your
spouse that lets you know your marriage is in jeopardy. Youre probably in shock.
How do we know that? Since youre reading this page, youre probably like
millions of troubled spouses every year who have been blindsided by a similar
emotional ambush. And so youre asking yourself, How did my marriage get to
this point?
Perhaps theres something in your relationship that got off track that you cant
quite put your finger on. Thats the aim of this section it starts out helping you
deal with managing your confused emotions. Then well give you essential
information thatll get you started getting a firm grasp of what to do to save your
marriage. This is the first step toward relighting the flame of passion thats
missing right now. And thats what you really want, isnt it? For now, just hang on,have faith, and keep on reading. Help is on the way.
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CHAPTER 1: How Will You Handle This Challenge?
Why Acceptance of the Situation Is Critical to Restoring Your Marriage
Security. In a marriage, the word connotes the emotional rewards of closeness
and intimacy. It means not having to be alone. It can also represent freedom from
financial crisis.
You can feel secure from having a partner to be with, to do things with, and to
share life with. And in contrast, when your marriage is threatened, it feels like
your security is jeopardized in every area of your life.
It can seem like the end of the world when a spouse says I dont love you
anymore or Im leaving. Especially if you didnt see it coming. Youve probably
found that the shock waves affect every aspect of your life, and now you may be
wondering if you can keep your footing.
Does it seem like your marriage is falling apart in front of your eyes, and there
doesnt seem to be anything you can do to stop it?
This and other reactions are common. There are many others like you whove
experienced these same feelings. Their responses to the crisis vary from
resignation, to despair, to anger, or to a desire to do anything to save themarriage. And their success in keeping their relationship is greatly influenced by
the attitude they bring to the task.
One of the most common difficulties that the surprised spouse has is to accept
the partners feelings. You may say to your spouse, I cant believe you feel that
way. After all Ive done for you! What about that vacation we just got back from?
What about your favorite dinner I just treated you to?
Often the blindsided partner will try to talk his mate out of having the feelings
that have finally bubbled to the surface and now threaten the marriage. Such
efforts to change the mind of the partner are futile and are destined to fail. Why?
Because there is a history of unhappiness behind the words. And any argument,
no matter how convincing, cannot change history.
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What Is Acceptance?
There was a tennis player on a college team whose coach had told her that
her serve needed practice. But she refused to accept and act on the coachsfeedback. Again, her coach implored her to work on her technique after she
spiraled into a losing streak. Clearly, her career on the court would be short-lived
unless she took her coachs advice to heart. Finally after losing another match to
an archrival in a tournament, the coach issued an ultimatum. The player would
either have to do what it took to improve or leave the team.
This athlete finally came to accept what her problem was poor technique on
her serves. Before that, shed been unwilling to do the necessary work to
enhance her performance. But once she had accepted the situation as it was,
she was able to move forward and improve her game.
A marriage is much the same way. Sometimes one partner may ignore or
minimize the feedback from the other for a time. This time may often stretch into
years. And the frustration builds like pressure in a pressure cooker. Until finally a
limit is passed and an ultimatum is issued. The offending spouse must change
behavior or else the frustrated partner will leave the marriage.
At this point, a history of dissatisfaction has built up on the side of the spousethreatening to leave. Whether the surprised partner considers the reasons given
to be valid or not doesnt alter the fact that the unhappiness exists.
Accept the Situation for What It Is
The first thing the surprised spouse must do is accept the situation as a given.
This doesnt mean he has to agree with his mates reasons. Nor does it
necessarily mean accepting the partner at her word if she says that shes
leaving.
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It does mean that he needs to accept the fact that his spouse is unhappy and
has been unhappy for some time. If you can buy this description as fitting your
situation, youve just made a positive step forward. Because you have to
understand the dynamics of your present relationship before you can improve it.It means that emotional communication between you and your spouse has
been faulty and she believes that you havent been meeting some of her basic
needs.
Perhaps youre thinking, But it doesnt make sense! I thought everything
between us was at least O.K. And then she drops this bombshell on me. I dont
understand. Of course you dont. But dont worry. In this book well help you get
a grip on how to maximize your chances of saving your marriage and what steps
to take to do it.
And you need to accept your spouses discontent if you want to positively
influence the disastrous turn your marriage is taking. Dont worry if you disagree
with the reasons she gives you for being unhappy. Whatever you do, dont fall
into the trap of arguing or telling her shes wrong. Her perception is her reality
and is the basis for her feelings and the decisions she makes. So your first job is
to understand what her perception of your relationship is.
Marriage partners continuously give each other feedback on a variety of issues. But the success of the relationship will depend on the quality of the
feedback and on the response to it. Communication between the two people
must first be honest. But honest feedback that elicits an inadequate reply leads to
frustration.
At this point you may be thinking, Now you tell me this! But its too late. Hes
about to walk out on me any day now, and youre lecturing me on
communicating.
We understand. One step at a time. Your job right now is to survive this initial
emotional shock youve just experienced. Dont worry about tomorrow now. Well
tell you how to get through today first.
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Feel Your Feelings
The first thing youll have to do is to manage your emotions. Dont try to blockor medicate them out. Some spouses resort to alcohol or drugs to numb
themselves to the emotional pain. They dont want to feel the intense emotions of
anger, despair or rejection that came with their partners announcement.
Accept your feelings. Realize also that in spite of your spouses present
unhappiness with your marriage, there very well could be a great opportunity not
only to save the marriage but to make it better. You may not believe it now, but
even painful and negative emotions can have a positive benefit if they lead to
changes that improve your marriage and your life.
Intense emotions can wash over you like a tidal wave. First the crest of the
wave hits you and you are smashed by the tremendous pressure and weight of
water above you. Eventually the wave subsides, but you have to survive the
immediate impact first.
You might feel nauseated, dizzy, helpless, and overwhelmed. Either you cant
sleep or you find yourself sleeping more than usual. You might not be able to eat
at all or you might gorge on everything in sight.The situation can feel unreal and disorienting. People who have sudden
emotional shocks like this know what is happening on a literal level, but on
another level it can seem that its happening to someone else. If you feel numb
and too paralyzed to take action, dont worry about it for now. The crest of the
wave is passing over you now and the worst of it will pass. Have faith that youll
be O.K.
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Blowing Up Wont Save Your Marriage
Nancy has seen clients throw a fit when they got the news from the unhappyspouse. But just as a raging bull can destroy a china shop, unleashed fury can
irreparably ruin any chance of patching things up.
Try to contain your reaction within bounds. Yes, thats easier said than done,
but try not to blow up. Explosions never hold anything together. Especially in a
marriage.
And in spite of the intensity of your feelings, dont jump to any conclusion
about what the future holds for your marriage. Its too soon to know. One thing is
certain though. At this point nothing is etched in stone. Your spouses declaration
of unhappiness is serious but it doesnt have to be the end of your relationship. It
is, however, a wakeup call to you. It means that you have to take positive action
if you dont want him to walk out the door.
Sure, your emotions may run the gamut from anger to resignation. You might
feel confused, anxious, fearful, sad, or despairing. Or you may find yourself
consumed with rage and feel that your spouse has betrayed you. You may feel
like a basket case with fluctuating emotions and wide swings in mood. You canfeel all this. But know that theres still hope for you and dont give up now.
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Whatever your unique reaction is, know that its normal to feel overwhelmed
by a bevy of emotions. To take care of yourself, draw an imaginary circle around
yourself and decide who you want to let into your intimate circle at this time. Put
everything that you can on hold and pull in emotionally. Youll need all your
strength and energy to focus on the crisis at hand.
What To Do When Youre Feeling Overwhelmed.
One of the most challenging attitudes to maintain in time of crisis is also
the most rewarding. It is captured in the Serenity Prayer as used by 12-step
recovery groups:
God, grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change
the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
This prayer reminds us of the extent and limits of personal control. Dont
sweat the things you cant change. Instead practice acceptance. Youll be
amazed at the reward you get back in serenity. And then, focus on thethings that are in your power to truly influence. This includes yourself your
attitude about your marriage and your life and your motivation to take risks
and get out of your comfort zone.
The lesson for you is that you have some control over yourself and your
reaction to events in your life. But you have no direct control over the
thoughts and emotions of your spouse. And if you can accept things as they
are now, youll be in a better position to change them for the better.
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How Are You Handling Your Marriage Crisis Right Now?
How do you act when something very valuable to you is threatened? If you
dont know if you can save it, what do you do? Do you give up? Get angry? Get
stuck in anxiety? We all react to shock and stress in different ways, depending on
our unique personalities.
Our actual reaction depends not on what happens to us. Rather we react
based on our interpretation of what happens to us and what we believe it means.
One mans wife might announce that she wants a divorce. His unconscious
belief is that his wife is leaving him because he is inadequate and this means that
hes not a good person. And therefore, hes not lovable or attractive. So he reacts
with rage, because he feels threatened.
Another husband might react with sympathy and concern for his wife. He
might believe that the wife is under stress and needs emotional support. He asks
himself if his excessive hours at the office have driven a wedge between them.
He reaches out to her to try to reestablish a connection.
These are two very different reactions. And each response will produce itsown outcome in a marriage.
Dont Hasten a Result You Dont Want
Its important to realize that an extreme emotional reaction from you could
push your spouse to leave the marriage. Dont blast him with questions. Dont
overpower him with rage. Yes, you may feel justified to act in these ways. But be
careful with behaviors that could shatter your chances for marital recovery.
Chapter 4 has a more complete list of things you should never do if you want to
keep your marriage. For now, just repeat to yourself Go slow and take it easy.
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Later in this book well cover ways you can be proactive if you want to keep
your relationship with your spouse. For now, dont give up hope. Instead summon
up the courage to face the situation and your fears. Confide in a counselor or a
minister for emotional support. If you want to save your relationship, theres oftena way. But meanwhile, make sure you dont blow your chances.
Take comfort in the fact that well offer you many tools and techniques that will
help you get through this difficult period.
Four Different Reactions to a Crisis Situation.
As you read this section, consider what the consequences of each of the
following four reactions are. Doing so will help you decide which course to follow
to give you the result that you want. If the choice you made initially is not helping
your situation, its not too late to make a change.
1. Throw in the Towel
Your initial response may be to look at your marriage as being like the broken
Humpty Dumpty egg that splattered on the ground. In the nursery rhyme, nobodycould put Humpty Dumpty back together again, and you may think this is the
case with your marriage.
A key question to ask yourself at this point is if, in your heart of hearts, you
really feel that there are redeeming qualities in your relationship that, in spite of
everything, are worth saving. If your answer is yes, then you have something to
fight for.
Maybe your spouse has betrayed you. Perhaps your pride is hurt, or you
assume that your spouses mind is made up. Maybe youre upset, and in your
anger or fear, you feel like cutting off the relationship.
But if this is your response, you may be judging prematurely and missing the
creative potential of the situation. Remember that while initial emotions often
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subside, a marriage ending in divorce usually has consequences that last a
lifetime. This is especially true if children are involved. If there is anything good
about your relationship with your spouse, wouldnt it make sense to explore ways
to save it?Often pride is at stake when a husband or wife rushes to end the relationship,
especially if the spouse has cheated. A sense of shame and embarrassment
becomes a factor and clouds judgement. The wronged partner may especially
feel pressured when friends or family find out what has happened and start giving
advice.
Yet, many times what appears broken or ruined can be transformed into
something even better. And the situation can even be a catalyst for transforming
yourself for the better as well.
Dont give in to discouragement and despair too soon. If you do youll never
know how things might have turned out. The what ifsWhat if we had really
tried to make it work? or What if we had gone for counseling?will haunt you.
2. Ride and Rope em Cowboy
Another initial response is to try to control the situation. You may try to lasso
your partner by figuratively throwing a rope around her neck to keep her fromleaving. You may see this as a contest of asserting your strength and control
over your partner in order to win.
But in this scenario, if one partner wins, the other must lose. And the loser will
carry resentment that will come back to haunt the relationship. Instead a healthy,
loving marriage has to be a win-win situation, instead of win-lose. One of the
problems in your marriage if you think in terms of win-lose could be that your
spouse feels like shes on the losing end too often.
Out of the hundreds of couples who have sought marriage counseling from
Nancy, control issues are one of the leading causes of conflict in a marriage.
When this happens, one of the partners habitually tries to dictate how the other
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negatives, is the feeling you have that he has betrayed you in a deeply personal
way. You feel that you dont deserve such treatment and that he is nothing but
an ungrateful jerk.
As a counselor, Nancy has observed numerous situations that escalated intoopen warfare in a relationship. When this happens, the outraged spouse
badmouths her partner to anyone who will listen. She makes a concentrated
effort to share his faults with as many family members, friends, neighbors, co-
workers, and other acquaintances as possible. She may call her spouse every
horrible name in the book as she continues on her mission to ruin his life.
If you have chosen this reaction, you are in the process of killing any chance
that your marriage can be repaired. You are also choosing to focus on your
spouses shortcomings while you are unaware of your own. In addition, if you
have children, you are creating emotional pain and suffering for them.
And yet, if you are starting to understand that creating an enemy is
counterproductive to wooing a lover, and if you have a sincere desire to change,
there are steps you can take.
The first step is to find an experienced counselor or psychologist and enter
intensive therapy so that you can rein in your anger before you cause more
devastation. The second step is to change your focus from dwelling on your spouses faults to carefully examining your own. Then, when you are in a
calmer, more balanced and humble state, you can offer your sincere apologies to
your spouse and to those you talked to about him.
Can you repair the damage? It wont be easy, but theres no way to know for
sure unless you try. One thing is for sure, though. If you dont change your
destructive mentality, youre likely to repeat the same behavior in a future
relationship. And this is a recipe for a string of failed relationships. Do you really
want that?
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4. Bounce Back Like a Rubber Ball
This fourth response involves hardiness and resiliencethe ability to bounce
back from adversity. In this scenario, at first you are thrown off balance likeeverybody else. Your emotions rage like a storm.
But before long, you let the tempest subside. You are regrouping and putting
resources in place that will help you make it through this unfamiliar, scary
territory. You are frightened because youre facing the unknown. This is where
you call up your hidden resources of courage. You feel fear but you muster the
internal fortitude to face it.
Its much easier to find that internal strength if you can reach out and find help
that will make facing the situation easier. Resilient individuals dont hesitate to let
others know when they need extra support. They accept assistance gracefully
and gratefully, from whatever direction that support comes.
Help can come in many forms. These resources may include supportive
family members and friends, helpful neighbors, an understanding boss, kind co-
workers, a trusted minister or therapist, inspirational books, comforting music, or
even a neighborhood gym. Assistance often comes from unexpected directions if
you are open to receiving it.If you decide to react to your marriage crisis by becoming more resilient, then
youll want to avoid people who are pessimistic, or at least limit the time you
spend with them. Instead, you need to surround yourself with positive people
who encourage and energize you. The last thing you need in your life right now is
people who are predicting gloom and doom outcomes or who fan the fires of
resentment and blame.
A hallmark feature of resilient individuals is that if something doesnt work out
the way they expect it to, theyre flexible and will come up with another plan.
They know that there are always different avenues to take.
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To develop a more resilient attitude, adopt as your motto, If theres a way to
do this, Ill find it. Start thinking of yourself as an emotionally hardy person who
can rebound from lifes unexpected blows, no matter what happens.
How You Choose to React Is Up to You.
Its up to you to decide which of these approaches you want to follow. If youve
chosen a response but youre not happy with the results youre getting, you can
choose to change your situation. You dont have to stay stuck in a way of
reacting that isnt working for you or helping your marriage.
Its important to remember that you can choose to change your reaction
anytime you decide to do so. Youre probably familiar with the saying, If you
keep doing what youve always done, youll just get more of the same. You
always have the opportunity to decide how you will react to a situation.
If your first reaction is to give up, you can decide to take a different approach
instead. If a painter doesnt like the colors he has initially picked, he paints over
the canvas and selects different colors. A writer who doesnt like the story shes
writing can decide to start a new story. So can you.
You Create Your Life Every Day
In one sense you are a writer. You are writing the script of your life each and
every day with the decisions and the choices you make. And if you have the
courage to face the truth and admit that what youve been doing has not given
you the results you want, you can change yourself and your own actions.
If youre willing to take responsibility for your behavior, the way will be paved
for positive change in all of your relationships. One of the most powerful
decisions that a spouse can make is to commit to taking responsibility for the
quality of his relationship with his partner.
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We have seen spouses who were successful in developing strong rapport with
their mates even after relations had been very stormy. We asked them how they
kept feelings of hostility and bitterness towards their partners from getting in the
way. The common response is captured in the saying, If its to be, its up to me.These people accepted responsibility for doing whatever it took to improve the
connection with their spouse.
For many partners, it has become too easy to focus on their mates
imperfections. These partners are reluctant to take their share of responsibility for
maintaining a strong connection with their spouse.
You Always Have Options
Viktor Frankl was a Jewish psychiatrist who, during World War II, was placed
in a concentration camp by the Nazis. Frankl later wrote that the main factor that
helped him survive the experience was the recognition that he alone controlled
his attitude. Even when his captors tortured him, Frankl kept his mind focused on
the outcome that he wanted rather than on the experience he was going through
at the time.After the war, in his classic book, Mans Search for Meaning , Frankl described
the basic choice that people have in determining how they react to events in their
lives. The essence of what Frankl said was that no matter what happens, we
always have options in how we choose to respond. So even when it doesnt
seem that you have any options or control, you still have a choice about
somethingthat is, how you react and what your attitude will be.
In facing a marital crisis, most people go through tremendous emotional
stress. When youre stressed, you become hypersensitive to what you perceive
as negative or critical remarks from others, especially a spouse. In a nutshell, its
very easy for your partner to push your buttons at these times. Weve heard
people in this situation say, I try to keep my cool when I talk to her, but she
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makes me lose my temper. In actuality, no one else can make you lose your
temper. That is your choice.
The challenge when youre dealing with the conflict in your marriage, and the
opportunity, is to realize that between the stimulus of your partners criticalremarks and your angry response, theres a gap in which you can make a
decision. You can decide to react defensively, or you can think about your future.
Think about the stakeholders in your relationship yourself, your kids, and your
spouse. Then take responsibility for how you act, and compose your response
accordingly.
The recommendations in this book will assist you in selecting an approach that
will be helpful instead of harmful to your marriage. Keep an open mind as you
read so that you dont automatically reject an idea that might be beneficial. Trust
your intuition and inner wisdom to help you know the best steps for you to take at
this time. And most importantly, keep hope and love alive even in the most
despairing moments.
Quotes for Reflection:
Stand up to your obstacles and do something about them. You will find that
they havent half the strength you think they have. --Norman Vincent Peale
Dont look back in anger, or forward in fear, but around in awareness.
--James Thurber
I dont believe in pessimism.
--Clint Eastwood
I always entertain great hopes.
--Robert Frost
8/3/2019 KYM Sample Chapter
22/22
Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says I dont love youanymore! -- Sample Chapter
Copyright 2011 Adesso Media, All Rights ReservedTo Purchase the Entire Book go to www.KeepYourMarriage.com
21
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What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" By Nancy Wasson, Ph.D., and Lee Hefner
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