JULY_1st_Issue#8

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RefuelingOnce my wife and I had to take

a flight that had 4 other stops before arriving at the Dallas-ForthWorth Airport. At the first stop, a little white truck drove up to theplane and my wife watched it pullup to the wing. She asked, "What's that truck doing?"

I explained that some airlines don't completely fuelup a plane for various reasons & we were taking onmore fuel. This process was repeated at the next threestops, and my wife watched the plane being fueledeach time.

At the last stop, I said, "You know, in spite of allthese delays, we're making pretty good time."

My wife pointed out the window and said, "I don't know. That little truck is keeping up with us."

NOrthEaStErN KaNSaS EdItION - SErvING rILEy, GEary aNd CLay COUNtIES

“t“thEhE hhOttEStOttESt LLIttLEIttLE PPaPEraPEr IINN ttOwNOwN!”!”

Distributed by: Orange Peel GazettePO BOx 262, Clay Center, KS 67432

“Connecting Customers to Businesses...That’s what we do Best!” ™

Reaching Thousands of Readers with Each Issue!

July 1, 2011 volume 1, Issue 8

“Your Friends in Real Estate”

WWW.FortRiley-RealEstate.com

Joy Francis - Broker

785-762-1702SEE OuR liSTiNgS iN THE

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A special THANKS on this July 4th to All of our TROOPSthat are serving around the

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ORANGE PEEL GAzETTE Of NORThEAsTERN KANsAs“ThE hOTTEsT LITTLE PAPER IN TOWN” PAGE 2

Gotta Love ItHospital regulations require a wheelchair for

patients being discharged. However, while working asa student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcaseat his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help toleave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantlylet me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down Iasked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don'tknow," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroomchanging out of her hospital gown."

Accident Report Because I was processing my first accident report at

the transport company where I worked, I was beingparticularly attentive.

The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and theresult was a severely damaged hood and fender. Myserious mood was broken, however, when I reachedthe section of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?"

The driver had put, "Full gallop."

Laws of Parenting 1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will

wake up the next morning. 2. For a child to become clean, something else must

become dirty. 3. Toys multiply to fill any space available. 4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less

your child will like it. 5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't

behave. 6. If the shoe fits...it's expensive. 7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a

child not to do it. 8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end

up on the carpet. 9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your

child to have to go to the bathroom.

LostFive year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up

to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The policeman said, "What's he like?"Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women."

Take Your MedicineA doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one

pill and one drink of whiskey a day to improve hisstamina.

A month later, when Mrs. Stone came in for anothervisit, the doctor asked, "How are we doing with the pilland the whiskey?"

Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behindwith the pills, but he's about six months ahead with thewhiskey."

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Orange Peel Gazette - PG 3

Arkansas Trooper Two Texans are driving through Arkansas when

they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The Trooperwalks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, thedriver rolls down the window and WHACK!...Thetrooper smacked him right on top of the head with thestick.

The driver finally comes to and asks, "What the heck was that for!?"

The Trooper says, "You're in Arkansas son. Whenwe pull you over, you better have your license readywhen we get to your car."

Not wanting to make his situation with the law anyworse, the driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not fromaround here."

The Trooper runs a check on the guy's license, andhe's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walksaround to the passenger side and taps on the window.The passenger rolls his window down, and WHACK!The Trooper smacks him with the nightstick also.

After he recovers, the somewhat dazed passengerasks, "Holy smokes man! What is that for?!"

The Trooper answers, "Just making your wishescome true."

Still incredulous, the passenger follows up with,"Huh?"

The Trooper says, "I know how you Texans are!Two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish thatredneck jerk would've tried that with me!'"

Away from his Desk A fellow, who frequently left the office to play golf,

instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he wasaway from his desk.

After he left the office, a member of his foursomeforgot which course they were playing that day, andcalled for information. The loyal girl would only replythat her boss was away from his desk.

"Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "Is he five milesaway from his desk, twenty miles away from his desk,or thirty miles away from his desk?"

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Beat the Summer HEatat the

Manhattan Parks & Rec

POOLS!(& Splash Park!)

Pool Hours:

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CiCo Pool: 1pm-8:45pm Daily

Northview Pool: 1pm-8:45pm Daily

Splash Park in City Park: 11am-8pm

RATES: Adults(16+) $5 Youth(2-15) $4Under 2 FREE! - Sting Ray Wave Pool(all ages)$2

Top 10 Country songs

10. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.9. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having YouHere7. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa'sHead).6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I SureDo Miss Him.5. Please Bypass This Heart.4. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped ThatSucker Flat.3. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.2. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.1. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

football Dog

A man walked into an Oakland bar with a dachshundunder his arm. The dog was wearing an OaklandRaiders jersey and helmet, and was festooned withRaiders pom-poms.

The bartender said, "Hey! No pets are allowed inhere! You'll have to leave!"

The guy begged him: "Look, I'm desperate. We'reboth big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the onlyplace around where we can see the game!"

After securing a promise that the dog will behave,and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown outif there's any trouble, the bartender relented and allowed them to stay in the bar and watch the game.The big game began with the Raiders receiving thekickoff. They marched down the field, got stopped atabout the 30, and kicked a field goal.

With that the dog jumped up on the bar, and beganwalking up and down the bar giving high-fives toeveryone.

The bartender said, "Wow, that is the most amazingthing I've ever seen! What does the dog do when theRaiders score a touchdown?"

The owner replied, "I don't know, I've only had himfor 4 years."


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Music in the ParkStarting June 3rd, 7pm

CONtiNuiNg EvEry Fri @ 7PM

Bring a lawn chair and listen to greatmusic! Hosted by the Arts Council,

enjoy evenings of great entertainmentunder the stars at Heritage Park in

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happy BirthdayA man named Bill woke up on his birthday. His

wife and kids didn't even say good morning to him. So, he left for work in a huff. His receptionist, Joanna,said happy birthday. "Thanks, Joanna. That's the nicestthing anyone's said to me all day." Bill replied,pleased. So he worked until his lunch break, whenJoanna asked if he fancied a lunch. Instead of takingtheir usual lunch just outside, they went to a big beautiful bistro. " My apartment is just around the corner. Would you like to visit?" Joanna asked. "Sure, why not?" Bill replied. At her apartment, Billsat down on the couch. Joanna said she'd be right back and stepped into the bedroom. Minutes later, she came back out followed by Bills family, friends,and co-workers. Bill just sat there... naked.

Longer Days I was working in a scrap yard in Southern England

during summer vacation at an engineering university. Iused to work repairing construction equipment.

One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammerthat had some very large bolts holding it together. Oneof the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it, Istarted heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch.

As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprenticesI have ever known came along. He asked me what Iwas doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut,it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt soI could then remove it.

"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?"he asked. Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind (Iknow not from where.) "Yes," I said, "that's why daysare longer in summer and shorter in winter."

There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.

The Law A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination ofa witness, stopped and said: "I object, Your Honor!One of the jurors is asleep."The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep... You wakehim up."

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Getting A's A professor stood before his class of 20 senior

organic biology students, about to hand out the finalexam.

"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching youthis semester. I know you've all worked extremely hardand many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up be-cause they might have been celebrating a bit too muchthis week, anyone who would like to opt out of thefinal exam today will receive a "B" for the course."

There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank himand sign out on his offer. As the last taker left theroom, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Any one else? This isyour last chance." One more student rose up and tookthe offer. The professor closed the door and took atten-dance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see youbelieve in yourself." he said.

"You all get "A's."

Getting a Passport Before she died, an old lady wanted to visit Eng-

land, the home of her ancestors. She went to the Fed-eral Office and asked for a passport.

"You must take the loyalty oath first," the passportclerk said. "Raise your right hand, please." The seniorcitizen raised her right hand as the clerk asked, "Doyou swear to defend the Constitution of the UnitedStates against all enemies, domestic or foreign?"

The sweet old face paled and the voice trembled asshe responded, "Well, I guess so, but ... will I havehelp, or will I have to do it all by myself?"

God Made Me A grandfather and granddaugher were sitting and

talking when the young girl asked, "Did God makeyou, Grandpa?" "Yes, God made me," the grandfatheranswered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him,"Did God make me too?" "Yes, He did," the older mananswered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed tobe studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflectionin the mirror, while her grandfather wondered whatwas running through her mind. At last she spoke up.

"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lotbetter job lately."

opee Gazette says: Let’s Play!

Who Wants To Be A zillionaire?

$440,000 Question...This vegetable tastes like broccoli and/or radish, isused in soups & in German means 'cabbage-turnip'?A) Hamburg parsley B) kohlrabiC) Ratte potato D) parsnip

$441,000 Question...Which vegetable is also known as the Mexican po-tato or the Mexican turnip?A) sweet potato B) jicamaC) arracacha D) eggplant

$442,000 Question...It tastes like a cross between parsley and celery, andhas the Latin name of Apium graveolens rapaceum ?A) celtuce B) parsnipC) celeriac D) ramp

$443,000 Question...Sometimes called noodle squash, this cylindricalvegetable is a member of the winter squash family.A) zucchini B) silk squashC) butternut squash D) spaghetti squash

$444,000 Question...Related to potatoes and nightshade, the Solanum me-longena is perfectly at home in ratatouille.A) tomatillo B) angelicaC) artichoke D) eggplant

$445,000 Question...It is part of Jamaica's national dish, has the nickname'vegetable brains', and is native to W. Africa?A) ackee B) palm heartC) pacaya D) amaranth

$446,000 Question...A sign of spring, it’s prized for onion/garlic flavors?A) calcot B) gray shallotC) ramp D) scallion

(Answers below - see you next issue)

Answers: $440 - B $441 - B; $442 - C;

$443 - D; $444 - D; $445 - A; $446 - C.

THE

VEGETABlE QUIz

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signs you are drinking too much coffee... - You ski uphill. - You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked - You speed walk in your sleep. - You answer the door before people knock. - Juan Valdez has named his donkey after you. - You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. - You just completed another sweater and you don'tknow how to knit. - You sleep with your eyes open. - You have to watch videos in fast-forward. - The only time you're standing still is during an earth-quake. - You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet awaywithout using the timer. - You lick your coffee pot clean. - You spend your vacations visiting "Maxwell House" -You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. - You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes thisweek. - Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. - You chew on other people's fingernails. - The Nurse needs a scientific calculator to take yourpulse. - All your kids are named "Joe" - Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet &Low" - You buy 1/2 and 1/2 by the barrel. - Your so jittery that people use your hands to blendtheir margaritas. - You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. -You can jump-start your car without cables. - You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. - You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. - You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.- You don't need a hammer to pound in nails. - You don't sweat, you percolate. - You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before yourealize it's not plugged in. - Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. - You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. - Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. - Instant coffee takes too long. - People get dizzy just watching you. - Your taste buds are so numb you could drink yourlava lamp. - You're so wired, you pick up AM radio. - People can test their batteries in your ears. - Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans. - You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. - You introduce your spouse as your "CoffeeMate" - You help your dog chase its tail. - You get drunk just so you can sober up.

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Today's QuickieA french fry walks into a bar and says to the bartender

"hey , could I get a beer please" The bartender looks at himshaking his head and says "No, we don't serve food here"

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Crime Doesn’t Pay...

...When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a Seattle street, he got much more thanhe bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an illman curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.A police spokesman said that the man admitted to tryingto steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motorhome's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicledeclined to press charges, saying that it was the best laughhe'd ever had.

...A man walked into a Circle-K in Louisiana, put a $20bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerkopened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and askedfor all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptlyprovided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled,leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount ofcash he got from the drawer was $15. Question: if some-one points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crimecommitted?

...Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspectby placing a metal colander on his head and connecting itwith wires to a photocopy machine. They placed the message "HE'S LYING" in the copier, and pressed thecopy button each time they thought the suspect wasn'ttelling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working,the suspect confessed to the police.

...AVweb, a weekly aviation news letter, reported that abungling burglar broke into a Mooney aircraft at theKnox County, Ohio airport and removed its avionics system, including the Emergency Locating Transmitter or ELT. This device sends homing signals if the aircraftcrashes. You can guess what happened next. The ham-handed crook jarred the ELT enough to activate it, and authorities had no trouble tracking the perpetrator to hislair.

...When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan,refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, theman threatened to call the police. They still wouldn't givehim the money, so the robber called the police -- and wasarrested.

...A guy wearing pantyhose on his face tried to rob a storein a mall. When the security came, he quickly grabbed ashopping bag and pretended to be shopping, forgettingthat he was still wearing the pantyhose. He was captured,and his loot was returned to the store.

(Information gathered herein is from sources considered reliable.

Accuracy however cannot be guaranteed. All humorous stories and jokes appearinghere are intended for entertainment purposes only and are not meant to disrespect orharm any group or individuals. Ads appearing in this paper are not to be considered

as an endorsement or validation by Orange Peel Gazette for products or services offered.) In short-just relax and have fun!

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