Jokes in These Days of Tension:

8/14/2019 Jokes in These Days of Tension:

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Jokes in these days of tension:

1- Old man to school principal: I am Juniors grandfather; Please call junior I have

candies for him.

Principal: Today he is on leave to attend your funeral procession.

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2- A Camel, Cow & a Donkey were discussing that, who is the best?

Camel: I carry loads & people on my back to travel, for days I can live without

water; in short I am known as the ship of Desert,

Cow: I give milk, which is full of Calcium and healthy for everyone, I am also the

only source for delicious meat.

.

.

.

.

O common!!! Speak up, this is your turn; make a speech to them that what you dofor humanity? .. As you are the only representative for Donkeys here.

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3-Soldier to General: sir a small group of enemy is attacking us.

General: Quick; bring my Redshirt. After enemy is defeated,

Soldier asked: sir, why the Red shirt you asked???.....

General: In Red shirt; if I got shot my soldiers would not see my blood so they wont

be discouraged.

Soldiers: WOW!!! Sir, you are amazing, a source of inspiration, we have learned alot from you.

Soldier again: Sir, 1000 enemy tanks with fully equipped army is coming to attack

us!!!

General: Get me my Yellow pants!!!


2/40

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4-Wife to husband: what you like most about me, my beauty or my intelligence?

Husband: Most I like about is how you transform lie into a joke.

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5-One Donkey to his master!!! I want to study at school,

Master admitted him in school and that Donkey work so hard in studies & its now

able to read thisjoke.

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6- Your Lips look like Okra,

Your chicks are Red Tomatoes,

Your eyes are like Peas,

And your whole face is like a Cabbage, ooh God you gave me a friend who

is like a vegetable market.

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7- A man asked another man, What is happiness? the man replied in distress

Ahhh!, I dont know I got married early.

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8- A man died and went to Heaventhere he saw a large wall ofclocks,

He asked an angel: what are these for? Angel replied These are lie clocks;

every person has a lie clock! Every time when you lie on Earth, the clockmoves,the man asked

Whose clockis that? Angel answers, its Salah-ud-din Ayubis clockit never

moved, showing that he never lied,

The man asked

Wheres Bushclock? Angel replied thats in our office, we used it as ourCEILING FAN.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*


3/40

9- LITTLE POEM 4 U:

Birds miss u,

Donkeys miss u,

Sparrows miss u,Monkeys miss u,

And they send me a message for you

Where r u?Come back 2 Zoo, because Zoo is not a Zoo without u.

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10- A kid was crying; outside his home; after getting the beating of a lifetime from

his mother, father came from office and asked why you are crying???

Kid said I cant live with your wife anymore.

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11- A man purchased car by taking loan from the bank, but was unable to return

loan, Bank took away car from the man, man said oooooooooooh, and I should have

taken loan for my marriage as well.

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Amazing:12- If you rearrange these letters it gives the same meaning

Dormitory = Dirty Room,

Astronomer = Moon Starer,

The eyes = They see,

Election results = Lies lets recount,

Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler,

Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one.!

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13- When you win everyone takes pride in celebrating your victory,But when you lose, only true friends hold your hand,

Sit by your side and say

Well! How many times Ill be RIDICULED because of you.


4/40

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14- PappulovesPinky, Pinkylovespappus brother, Pappus brother lovespinkys

sister, Pinkys sister loves pappu, as we know thatpappu lovesPinky but Pinky does

not like Pappu and Pappus brother does not lovesPinky and Pappu does not love

Pinkyssister but Pinkys sister does not like Pappus brother..

.

.

o ohhhhhhhh this is their personal matter, do your job, dont make my brains

yogurt.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*15- Without your message my weeks days are like:

Moodoutday,

Tearday,Wasteday,

Thirstday,

Frightday,

Sufferday,

Sadday

So, Kindly message me or youll be HISTORY.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*16- New disease found: SleepotaCauses: Lecture and frequent book exposure,

Host: Students.

Symptoms: Head falling on table, auto closure of eyes,

Signs: Redness of eyes, loss of memory,

Spread: From student to student,

Treatment: Leave the class.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

17- Attention please:

Dont take bath from Anti-Bacterial soap, this KILLS bacteria & I dont want to

loose you.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*


5/40

18- If you are an Icecream then you are so sweet,

If you are Rose then you are so soft,

If you are Star then you are so bright,

If you are Friend then oh my God, you are so lucky.

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19- Genius is a person who can do in 1 day, what a fool does in a year, just as we

completed syllabus a day before exams, while the faculty takes 1 year.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*20- 3 friends after exam,

1st: guys I did not know a thing I left paper totally blank,

2nd: I did exactly the sameas I did not know a thing,3rd friend said: ohhhhhhhhh my God, now teacher will think that we all cheatedfrom each others copies.

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21- The prime Minister ofChina called President Bush to console him after theattack on the Pentagon:

'I'm sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big tragedy . But in caseyou are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of

everything.'


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*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*22- A man is! taking a walk in Central park in New York . Suddenly he sees a

little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.

He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the

dog and saving the girl's life..

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: 'You are a

hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:

'Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl'.

The man says: 'But I am not a New Yorker!'

Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:

'Brave American saves life of little girl' the policeman answers.

'But I am not an American!' - says the man. Oh, what are you then?'

The man says: 'I am a Pakistani'

The next day the newspapers say: 'Extremist kills innocent American dog

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23- One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes atthe kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of

white hair sticking out. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why

are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time

that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs

turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then

said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"


7/40

Teacher related jokes:

24- TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and findNorth America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discoveredNorth America?CLASS: Maria.

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25- TEACHER: Ryan, what is the chemical formula for water?

RYAN: H I J K L M N O

TEACHER: Ryan, what are you talking about?

RYAN: Well, yesterday you said it was H to O.

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26- TEACHER: Hunter, name one important thing that we have today that we

didn't Have 10 years ago.

HUNTER: Me!

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27- TEACHER: Beth, give me a sentence starting with "I".

BETH: I is........... T

EACHER: No Beth.. ...Always say "I am".....not "I is".

BETH: All right........."I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

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28- TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's

cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now Alex, do you know why his father

didn'tpunish him?

ALEX: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

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8/40

29- TEACHER: Now, Macy, tell me frankly, do you say prayers beforeeating?

MACY:No Mam, I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook.

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30- TEACHER: Parker, what do you call a person who keeps on talking to

people who are No longer interested?

PARKER: A Teacher

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31- TEACHER: Daniel, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as

your brother's composition. Did you copy off of him?

DANIEL: No teacher, it's the same dog.

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32- A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was

physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it

was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated thatSuperman was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a

whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl

said, "When I get to heaven I will askSuperman". The teacher asked, "What if

Superman went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

33- The children had all been photographed, and the teacherwas trying to

persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it

will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a

lawyer,' or 'thats Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room

rang out, "And there's the teacher, shes dead."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*


9/40

34- A teacherwas giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to

make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, theblood,

as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the

class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary

position theblood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause

your feet arent empty."

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35-The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary schoolfor lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile ofapples. The nun made a note,

and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE, God is watching." Movingfurther along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of

chocolate. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God iswatching the apples.

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36- A poetry competition asked for a 2-line rhyme with the most romantic 1st lineand the least romantic 2nd line: This is winning poem

My darling my love my beautiful wife

Marrying you ruined my whole life

I see your face when I am dreaming

Thats why I always wake up screaming

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot

This describes everything that you are not

I love your smile, your face and your eyes

Damn, I am very good at telling lies.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*37- There is a 10,000 $ prize on a packed food, a man was keep opening the sameagain and again, he was asked for that,

He replied there is a message inside the packing Try again for the prize.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*


10/40

38- Thief after stealing a wallet started running, the victim started running behind

him and out ran the thief, then said the thief

1st you stole my wallet and then you want to RACE as well.

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39- In life = Money, Love, Friend, Prestige comes and goes BUT broken teethes

never come back, so be nice and chilled.

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Husband wife jokes:

40- Husband & Wife - Love Your Enemy

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "4 months after I die I

want you to marry Sammy."

"Sammy! But he is your enemy!" "Yes, I know that! I've suffered all these years so

let him suffer now."

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41- Husband & Wife - Wedding Ring

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing yourwedding ring on the wrong finger?

The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

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42- Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband

One woman told another: "My neighbor is always speaking ill of her husband, but

look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anythingbad about him?"

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11/40

43- Husband & Wife - No Answer Back

A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at

me, my children and even at our dogs and nobodydares answer her."

One of his friends asked. And when you are angry, what do you do?" The manreplied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of

them dares to answer back.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

44- A little girl asked her mom: how did the human race appear?

Mom: God made Adam (pbuh) & Eve; they had children and so all mankind

was made.

Later, girl asked the same question from her dad,

Dad: Many years ago there were Monkeys from which human race wasevolved.Girl 2 mom: Mom how is it that u told me human race was created by God

from humans and Dad said they evolved from Monkeys?Mom: Well dears I told u about my side of the family and ur father told u about his.

45- Theorem:

Human = Eat + work+ sleep+ Phone call,

Donkey = Eat + work + sleep

Hence

Human = Donkey + Phone callOr

Human Phone call = Donkey

Proved:Human without phone call is a Donkey.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*46- ~~~Meeras English~~~

Dont dare 2 talk in front of my back

Both of u 3 get out of my room

Open the window let the environment come inTake 5 inch wire of any length

I have 2 sisters both are girls

All of u stand in a straight circle.

Give me a Red pen of any color.

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12/40

47- What we have learned in lectures at our colleges

How to yawn without opening mouth

How to sleep with eyes open

How to believe that this lecture will end soon

How to control our anger for lecturerHow to make lecturer to say Get out of class. :-D

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48- Great quote:

Life is a football game and we are the footballs. Never mind the kicks of people

because without the kicks we may not reach goal.

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49- An old lady, a girl, a Pakistani and Indian boy were traveling in train. A tunnel

came and it got completely dark. Suddenly a kiss sound and a slap sound washeard when the tunnel ended, Indian boyss cheek was Red due 2 slap he was

thinking Pakistani boy must have kissed girl and she slaped me instead of him old

lady was thinking that Indian boy have kissed gil and got slap

Girl wsa thinking that any of the boy was trying to kiss me but kissed the lady

and got slaped from her, Pakistani boy was thining if a tunerl comes again, he willproduce a kiss sound and again slapped the Indian guy.

@@@Be Pakistani and think like a Pakistani. @@@

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

50- Sunny deol is remaking TITANIC with some changes, in the end he does not die

but swims across the ocean with heroine in one hand and TITANIC in the other :-D

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*


13/40

51- Customer: I like to buy some dog food,

Salesman: Do you have a dog?

Customer: Yes

Salesman: Where is your dog?

Customer: At home.

Salesman: I am sorry cant sell you unless I see the dog -- Store policyThe next day

Customer: Do you have cat food?

Salesman: Where is the cat?

Customer: At home.

Salesman: Sorry! Cant sell you unless I see the cat. --Store policy3rd day customer walks in with a bag

Salesman: What in the bag?

Customer: Put your hand in

Salesman: Its warm and moist, what is it?

Customer: I need toilet paper.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

52- Mr. Dick made an illegal wall, somebody told him, do something that this wallwill lookold; Mr. Dick took brush in his hand and wrote on the wall

We welcome Mr. Kennedy to our town.

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53- Traffic police to Mr. X Why u r driving so fast?Mr. X So I can reach home before any accident.

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54- A man was placing flowers on the grave of his dearly mother when his attention

diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with

profound intensity and keep repeating, Why did u die? Why did u die?

The 1st man approached him and said

Ur pain is more than I have ever seen before 4 whom do u mourn so deeply?

A child?

A parent?

The other man replied, my wifes 1st husband.

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14/40

55- Pakistani to Arab, I have 10 children, 1 more and Ill have my own football

team.

Arab: I have 17 wives, 1 more and I will have my private golf course of 18 holes!!!

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56- Everything is incomplete without me

__mory

Co__dy

Ti__

So__thing

__aning

even the

__ssage

so dont 4get Me in ur prayers to Allah.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*57- Boy to a girl: How much % u got in this examination?

Girl while weeping, only 95 %,

Boy: Why u r crying on this?, 2 boys would have passed in this %.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*58- Height of insult

Guide: I welcome you all to Niagara falls. This is the worlds largest waterfall and

the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by

cant be heard!

Now I may request the ladies to keep quiet, so that we can hear the Niagara falls.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*59- Can you tell me the similarity between Toilet with Indian Cricket Team? Dont

know? Think.. think hard

simple answer guys:

You have to Dhoni (Wash) in toilet and also in Indian Cricket Team.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

60- Mr. Xs son had an accident

Doctor: We have to remove (amputate) both the legs of your son!

Mr. X holds his head.

Doctor: What happened?

Mr. X: Yesterday I bought new shoes for that stupid.

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15/40

61- I dont look at faces before making friendship with anyone, thats the reason

why all my friends are UGLY. ;)

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*62- Doctors after operation & student after exams, have same thing to say We tried

our best; we cant say anything, just offer prayers. :-D

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*63- What are the most powerful 4 words? Think..

Your result has announced

These 4 words can take out soul of any happy go lucky person, just imagine those

times.

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64- IPL (Indian premier league) rejected around 11 then world champions Pakistani

cricketers of t20, but Sania Mirza rejected the billions of billions Indians to become

Shoaib Maliks second wife.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*65- Mr. X was dialing a no. from the 1000 rupees note; Mr. Y asked who you are

dialing. Mr. X replied: Quad-e-Azam died years back then who is using his phone

no?

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*66- Mr. X was sitting for the very 1st time in an airplane, when plane was running on

a runway to take off, Mr. X got angry; he went to cockpit; slapped the pilot and

said, I purchased an air ticket and you are taking me by road.

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67- A student was asked to write a signboard for the traffic rules near the school, he

wrote: Drive carefully! Dont kill the students, wait for the teachers ;)

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16/40

68- Height of chillness: Entering late in the class without permission & saying to

madam

Carry on., dont stop for me ;)

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69- How a single spelling mistake can ruin your life:

Husband went to Europe and sent SMS to his wife:

I am having a wonderful time, wish u were HER

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70- Teacher to her students; give me one example of Past, Present and Future tenses

like I was beautiful,I am beautiful and I shall remain beautiful,

Students replied It was a lie,

It is a lie and it will remain a lie.

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71- Many crushes and flirts are better than one true love because, Monopoly is

always damaging, and competition improves efficiency!

Pure economic theory of love :P

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72- 1 day an angel tested me. He erased all my memory and asked do u remember

anyone now?

I told your name,

Angel smiled and said: Some virus cant be deleted.

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17/40

73- David & Michael were lost in the Thar desert. They were dying of thirst when

they came upon an oasis and there was a building which looked like a mosque.

David said to Michael: Look, lets pretend we are Muslims, otherwise well not get

any food or drink. I am going to call myself Muhammad; Michael refused to

change his identity.

They went to mosque; David said My name is Muhammad & he is Michael, TheImam of the mosque welcomed both and ask his helpers

Please bring food & water for Michael only, then the imam turned to other

(David)and said; Assalam-o-Alaikum brother Muhammad, Ramadan Mubarak!

:-D

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

74- Funny oxymorons (Phrase of contradictory words):

1-Clearly misunderstood2-Exact estimate

3-Small crowd

4-Act naturally

5-Found missing

6-Fully empty

7-Pretty ugly

8-Seriously funny

9-Only choice

10-Original copies

And mother of all.

*Happily married.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*75- Mr. Z purchased new underwear, he took down his pants and showed to the

whole village that this underwear is the most expensive underwear in the whole

village, when he returned home he opened the cupboard to hang it (underwear), he

was amazed to see it already hanging, then he drop his pants and saw that there was

no underwear, in excitement he FORGOT to put it one.


18/40

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76- My and Brook Shields has one same problem, guess what?

?

?

?Neither I phone her nor does she phone me.

Attitude you know ;)

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*77- School of villain, attendance calling:

Dracula, Yes Sir!

Doctor Hannibal Lector, Yes Sir!

The Bad, Yes Sir!

Dr. Evil, Yes Sir!

Darth Vader, Yes Sir!G.W Bush, no answer, classmates replied: he is constructing a lie, for next war; but

this time at home.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*78- A cute love story; with happy ending,

1 day somebody proposed you, you said "Not, interested!"

And that's how...

Somebody lived a happy life forever :)

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*79- Best catch line ever on the wall of school canteen:

"This food must be good, Ten thousand FLIES can't be wrong!"

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*80- Wife: Look a thief has entered our kitchen and he is eating the cake I made.

Husband: whom should I call now, Police or Ambulance? :P

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*81- Tiger & Tigress were resting under a tree suddenly, a deer passed very fast,

tigress could not make out & asked,

"What was that?" Tiger smiled and said, "FAST FOOD".


19/40

*-*-*-*82- 'For her newly born baby girl'

Wife: I have a concerned that boys will tease her,

Husband: I have a solution for this problem, we'll name her 'Sister'.

*-*-*

83-Interviewer: " If the Earth rotates 30 times faster then what will happen?"

Candidate: " We will get our salary everyday".

*-*-*

84- Note for bachelors:

"Marry not for you but for your children, because they are getting late for school"

*-*-*

85- Which is the most dangerous alphabet?

Ans.: 'W'

Because all worries start with 'W' who? why? what?

Which? When? Where? Whom? witch, waste, war, wine, women & finally wife. ;)

*-*-*86- Teacher asked a student, "What is Ohm's law"?

Student: I just remember last part of ohm's law,

Teacher: ok tell me the last part,

Student: "This is called Ohm's law".

*-*-*87- Mr. X was dejected as he was divorced by his wife, went to his friend and said, I

am bad in good things,

Friend: No matter how bad you are, you are still not useless

I still can use you as a 'bad example'.

*-*-*


20/40

88- Prospective husband:

Do you have a book called 'Man, the Master of Women '? ! ;

Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir..

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.

You order what you want then, when you see what the other person has, you wish

you had ordered that.

*-*-*89- Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr: Get married.

Man: Will it help?

Dr: No but the thought of long life will never come

*-*-*90- Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

*-*-*

91- Its funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.

Its like asking someone,

If suicide is better or being murdered.

*-*-*

92- Before marriage,

A man will lie awake all night Thinking about something you say.After marriage, he 'll fall asleep before you finish.

*-*-*

93- There's a way of transferring funds

That is even faster than electronic banking.

It's called marriage.

*-*-*

94- Girlfriends are like CHOCOLATES - Taste good anytime.

Lovers are like PIZZAS - Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.

Wife's are like Dhal & RICE - Eaten when there' s no choice.


21/40

*-*-*

95- Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?

Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

*-*-*

96- Q: Why dogs dont marry?

A: Because they are already leading a dogs life!

*-*-*

97- Fact of life:

One woman brings you into this world crying &

The other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!

*-*-*

98- Q: Why doesnt law permit a man to marry a second woman (in the west)?

A: Because as per the law you cannot be punished twice For the same offence!

*-*-*

99- We Pakistanis work on the principle of 'Rocket', it does not mean that we aim

for the skies,

BUT

It means we don't start working unless our tail is on fire.

*-*-*

100- So many options for suicide: Poisoning, Sleeping Pills, Hanging, Jumping from

a building, lying on train tracks, but we choose marriage slow but sure death! lol

-7 important things to be done in a lifetime

1-Studies

2-Games

3-Entertainment

4-Marriage

5-... 6-... 7-...

After marriage man is no longer useful ;)


22/40

*-*-*

101- A mouse ran from my food I will not eat that it, mother to his son, ohhh....

hooo.... mouse does not use sleepersSo you can eat.

*-*-*

102- Frog to fortune teller, Please tell me when young & beautiful girl will touch

me?

Fortune teller: In the next semester, in Biology lab while performing your

dissection.

*-*-*

103- Teacher to student tell me the 10 names of elements from the periodic table

Student: Chlorine, Bromine, Iodine, Fluorine, Aaren, Jasmine & Catharine.

*-*-*

104- How many days it will take you to read a book of 1000 pages?

Writer: 6 Months

Doctor: 5 Months

Lawyer: 1 Month

Professor: In 2 weeks

Student: Before the night of Exam.

*-*-*


23/40

105- You know why women start with 'W' because all questions start with 'W'

Who?

What?

When?

Which?Where?

Why?

Whom?

Whose?

*-*-*

106- In bad situation family members and good friends do stand behind you, if you

don't trust me then look at the wedding pictures. ;)

*-*-*

107- People say 'Behind every successful man there is a woman' but nobody tells the

fact that women choose only successful man.

*-*-*

108- A boy conversation with Roger Federer:

Roger Federer: 'I have got great knowledge about Tennis; you can ask anything

about it.

Boy: How many holes there are in the nets? :-D

All about WIFE.........

109-When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep

her.

--Lee Majors

*-*-*

110-After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can'tface each other, but still they stay together.

--Al Gore

*-*-*


24/40

111-By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad

one, you'll become a philosopher.

--Socrates

*-*-*

112-Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

--Mike Tyson

*-*-*

113-The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a

woman want?

--George Clooney

*-*-*114-I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

--Bill Clinton

*-*-*

115-"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a

restaurant two times a week. A little

candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

--George W. Bush

*-*-*

116-"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

--Rudy Giuliani

*-*-*

117-"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.

It's called marriage."

--Michael Jordan

*-*-*

118-"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one

didn't." The third gave me more children!

--Donald Trump

*-*-*


25/40


26/40

*-*-*

127-"Honey, what happened to 'ladies first'?" Husband replies, "That's the reason

why the world's a mess today, because a lady went first!"--David Letterman

*-*-*

128-"First there's the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding

ring...soon after....comes Suffer...ing!

--Jay Leno

*-*-*129-A student called up his professor, but professor's wife told that "He has passed

away"Next day student called again.

Wife: "I told u that he has passed away".

Next day student called again, this time wife shouted

"I have told u, many times that he is no more with us" why u keep calling?"

He replied, it feels good when u say that he has passed away.

*-*-*

130-Student after failing in English exam, said:

"Waaht? I felled on English. That's unpossible. :p

*-*-*

131-What is special in LOVE?

Nothing special! 2 vowels 2 consonants & 2 fools.

*-*-*

132- My attitude in exams,

They give me questions which I don't know. So...

I give them answers which they don't know ;-)

*-*-*


27/40

133- Kamraan Akmal teaching ABCD to his daughter:

A for Akmal,

B for Ball,

C for Catch,

D for Drop...

*-*-*134-Can u jump from one tree to another?

Can u eat 25 Bananas in a minute?

Your answer must be, "NO"

Then tell me why ur behavior, gesture, posture is like a MONKEY?

*-*-*

135-3 fastest ways of communication are:

1-Telephone

2-Television

&

3-Tell a woman

If u still need faster communication

Request her not to tell anyone ;-)

*-*-*

136-Teacher: What's the importance of 1947 in Pakistan's history?

Student: I don't know sir.

Teacher: Stupid ignorant, Pakistan came into being in that very year.

Now the 2nd question: What's the important incident occurred in 1951 in the

history of Pakistan?

Student: By the grace of Allah Pakistan was turned to 4 years old. ;-)

*-*-*


28/40


29/40

141- MATHS Teacher to our brilliant student.

How can u distribute 8 apples among 6 people equally?

Student- simple! Make a juice.

*-*-*

142- Bachelor:-I dont want 2 marry bcoz, I'm afraid of ALL women...!

Married Man:-Get married soon, then u will b afraid of only

1 woman & start loving the REST! ;-)

*-*-*

143- U know why women starts with W"

Bcoz all Questions start with "W"

Who?

Why?

What?

When?

Which?

Whom?

Where?

>>>So Woman means full time Questions.

*-*-*

144- Question paper in year 2020

Name the cities of PAKISTAN where electricity is found?

How does sugar taste? Explain in ur own words?

Draw a neat n labeled diagram of a suicide jacket?

In ancient times, what was PETROL used for? Support ur answer with examples.

*-*-*


30/40

145- DEFINE AGONY:

Its like a One Armed Man hanging at the Edge of a Cliff by his Only Arm! And his

Butt is devastatingly Itchy.

DEFINE DEATH:

He Scratched It :-p

*-*-*

146- Only true Friends stand with u during Bad times of your Life...

So I promise

I will attend your wedding :-);-)

*-*-*

147- I was planning 2 come 2 u but I dont have the thing causing motion due to

circular motion of rubber shafted along the rod able to track direction over the

movement of pistons due to the action of carbon n hydrogen producing flames in a

chamber end resulting in the irreversible reaction of energy and gas and causing the

friction of rubber along the concrete pebbles

In simple language! Right now I dont have car :-D

*-*-*

148- How boys get money 4m ATM

1. Park the car

2. Go to ATM machine

3. Insert card

4. Enter pin

5. Take money

6. Take ATM card

7. Drive away

AND GIRLs??

1. Park the car

2. Check makeup

3. Turn off engine

4. Check makeup

5. Go to ATM

6. Search ATM card in purse


31/40

7. Insert card

8. Hit cancel

9. Hunt in purse 4 chit having pin code

10. Insert card

11. Enter pin

12. Take cash13. Go to car

14. Check makeup

15. Start car

16. Stop car

17. Run back to ATM

18. Take ATM card

19. Back to car

20. Hopefully check makeup for the last time

21. Search key in the purse

22. Now in short: Drive away. Ohhhhhhh thank God.

*-*-*

149- A man jumped in the sea & never came out.

2nd man also jumped in & never came out. ;-(

A scientist concluded:

Human beings are soluble in water. :-/

*-*-*

150- We pronounce

21 as twenty one

31 as thirty one

41 as forty one

51 as fifty one

Than

Y not 11 as onety one?

Doubt by back bencher association! :-@

*-*-*


32/40

151- Dear friends. I m turning off my cell due to my exams bcoz i hv to work hrd to

get gud grades.

Plz contact me after

15 minutes!:)I cant study more than that.

*-*-*

152- "Good looks catch d eyes but good personality catches d heart

U r blessed with both"

Don't be excited it was sent to me.

I just want to share my popularity ;-)

*-*-*

153- In an engineering university during a math's class:

Student:

Why do we have to learn this?

Teacher:

To save lives!!!!!

Student:

How does math save lives?

Teacher:

It keeps idiots like you out of medical college :-D

*-*-*

154- Burning question,

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

If electricity comes from electrons, then does morality come from morons?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, then what do humanitarians eat?

Think hard

*-*-*


33/40

155- IDIOMS RELOADED:

1. Money is not everything: there are credit cards too :->

2. Love Animals: they are tasty ;-)

3. Save water: drink juices :-P

4. Study is healthy: leave it for the sicks %-)5. Books are holy: dont touch them B-)

6. No noise in class: you disturb those asleep :-D

7. Must get married: happiness is not the only aim of life :-O

*-*-*

156- Redefined Definitions:

1) Atom Bomb - An invention to end all inventions.

2) Teacher - Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

3) Cigarette - A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at

the other.

4) Divorce - Future tense of marriage.

5) Lecture - The art of transferring a conscious person to a subconscious state.

6) Genius - see the sender's name. :-)

*-*-*

158-Galileo:

Great mind

-Einstein:

Genius mind

-Newton:

Extraordinary mind

-Bill Gates:

Brilliant mind

-Me:Master mind

And

-U: Heee Heee Heee..

Never mind... ;-)

*-*-*


34/40

159- A famous RUSSIAN QUOTE:

NEVER TRUST A CRYING WOMAN & A SMILING MAN. BOTH R

EXTREMELY DANGEROUS

Very True

See crying Lindsay Lohan & smiling G.W. Bush

*-*-*

160- Question: Can a Kangaroo Jump Higher than the Eiffel Tower?

?

?

?

Ans: Yes, because the Eiffel Tower cant Jump..

*-*-*

161- Think different ;-)

Life is da way how u look @ it:

"LIVETOGETHER"

Some will read as:

Live Together

Others:

Live To Gather

And My friendz will read it as:

Live To Get Her :-D

*-*-*


35/40

162- A kid's luv letter! =]

To, Pinky.

Kg red.

Dear pinky,I luv u. My dream i c u. Evrywhere u. U no, i live no. I come red shirt tomoro. U luv

i, u cum red frock. I wait down mango tree. U no come, i jump train. Sure come...

(^_^)

Urs lovely,

Tin.

Kg Blue.

Now pinky replies:

To, Tin.Kg Blue.

Dear Tin,

Ur letter mummy see. Papa beat me, beat me so many beat me. I cry. I cry. So no

come to mango tree. No jump train. I luv u. C another day. I no red frock. Only

green. U luv me, u come green... (^_^)

Ur sweety,

Pinky.

Kg red... Hahaha.

*-*-*

163- A woman can tolerate anything except another woman sharing her husband

AND

Anyone sharing his salary

AND

A mother-in-law

AND

Relatives of his husband

AND

A husband happy among friendsAND

An early morning rise

AND

A servant on leave

AND.. AND..AND

A woman can tolerate

Anything but her husband :-/


36/40

*-*-*

164-A Dad's Email:

Hi son,

how r u?

UR mom and I am fine.

We miss u alot.

So, plz turn off UR computer & come downstairs for dinner!:-D

'MURDER OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE'

*-*-*

165-1. Employee wrote an application:

"Since I've to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, plaese grant me 1

week leave."

.2. Letter from Employee who was preparing his daughter's wedding:

"As I'm marrying my daughter, grant me leave."

.

3. Another leave application: "As my mother-in-law has expired, & I'm only

responsible for it, kindly grant me 10 days leave."

.

4. Another: "As I'm suffering from fever, declare 1 holiday".

.

5.A letter to the principal:

"As my headache is paining, plz leave me for the day."

.

6. "My wife is sick and I'm her only husband at home, grant me leave."

.

7. Letter: "I'm well here & hope you are in the same well."

*-*-*166-4 stages of marriage

:-)"MAD FOR EACH OTHER",

;-)"MADE FOR EACH OTHER",

:-*"MAD AT EACH OTHER",

:-@"MAD BECAUSE OF EACH OTHER !

*-*-*


37/40


38/40

*-*-*171- Men socialize by insulting each other but they don't really mean it,

Women socialize by complimenting each other and they don't mean it either! :-P

*-*-*172-Wife: I have just come from Beauty Parlor!

Husband: Was it close?

*-*-*173- Husband: Darling how r u?

Wife: Do u feel sorry for the fight we had 10 minutes ago?

Husband: Oh... no, I dialed my wife.

*-*-*174-Wife: I am the book of your life

Husband: I wish you would have been calendar, so I could change on yearly basis.

*-*-*

175-The most active person in the world - One who invented alarm..

The laziest person in the world - One who invented snooze in the alarm!!:-D

*-*-*

176- A Nursery student explaining Love.

"LOVE is like SUSU in da PENT, Otherz can only see it, But only u can feel it.

Spreading slowly slowly all over..

;-) :-D

*-*-*177-A sign at a Petrol pump:

"Please don't smoke here. Ur life may be worthless, But Petrol is very expensive .."

:-p

*-*-*


39/40

178- A Sad girl was sitting with her boyfriend..

Boy: U r d second most beautiful girl I've ever seen

Girl: Who's the first?

Boy: It's YOU! When u smile..!

*-*-*

179-THOUGHT of the Day ...

Don't Depend Everytime On MY Thoughts, Try To Think On Your Own

Sometimes..!! :-)

*-*-*180- A woman was kidnapped & kidnaper sent a piece of her finger to her husband

& demanded 4 money.. Husband replied: I want more proof so send me her

TONGUE...

*-*-*181- People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED....But

there is. When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....And when you

marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....And when the right one catches you

with the wrong one, you are...COMPLETELY FINISHED ;-)

*-*-*182- "Love is the seventh sense which destroys all the six senses"

And makes you a Complete Non sense":-P

*-*-*183- Man at medical store: "I need poison!"

Chemist: "I can't sell u that until u have prescription."

Man showed his Nikah Nama (Wedding documents).

Chemist: "Oh.. Ok..0k!!"

:-)


40/40

*-*-*184-How Pakistani professors speak English,

1. Dont dare talk in front of my back!

2. Both of u three get out of the class!

3. Why r u so late. Say yes or no?

4. Take 5 cm wire of any length!5. I have 2 daughters, both of them are girls.

*-*-*185- Understanding a Girl is Just Like:

Downloading a 1GB File with 2KBPS Speed

And when you have Downloaded 95%;

.

....

.

.

.

You get an ERROR... =D =P =P

Note:I translated these jokes from Urdu language to English & I like tothank my friends who SMS or emailed me these jokes, & if God willingthis page will continue to grow.

Sweet Smiles!!!

By

Syed Arbab AhmedFrom

Karachi, Pakistan.

Documents

Jokes in These Days of Tension: