Interpersonal Communication: Everyday Encounters

Chapter 9

Managing ConflictConflict in Relationships

Interpersonal Conflict exists when people who depend on each other express different views, interests or goals that they perceive as incompatible or opposed. It is Expressed Disagreement.

Conflict is a normal, inevitable part of Conflict is a normal, inevitable part of most interpersonal relationships. most interpersonal relationships.

Principal #2: Conflict may be overt or covert

Principal #1: Conflict is natural in relationships

OvertOvert conflict is out in the open & explicit. conflict is out in the open & explicit.CovertCovert conflict is expressed indirectly. conflict is expressed indirectly.

Principal #3: Social Groups shape the meaning of conflict behaviors

Cultural upbringing, gender and raceCultural upbringing, gender and race dictate reactions to conflict. dictate reactions to conflict.

Using “I” language and monitoring the Using “I” language and monitoring the self-serving bias will help when self-serving bias will help when faced with conflict. faced with conflict.

Principal #5: Conflict can be good for individuals and relationships

Principal #4: Conflict can be managed well or poorly

When managed properly, positive and When managed properly, positive and affirmative conflict provides affirmative conflict provides opportunities to grow, learn and opportunities to grow, learn and strengthen relationships. strengthen relationships.

Orientations to Conflict

Lose – Lose: assumes all conflict is inevitably negative, unhealthy and destructive to relationships. Conflict is

avoided at all costs and is constricting.

Win – Lose: assumes conflict is a battle where only one can be victorious. Effective with a low commitment and little desire to care for the relationship.

Win – Win: assumes conflict presents an opportunity to resolve difference where

everyone can be victorious. All participants are committed to their own and the other’s satisfaction.

Responses to Conflict The Exit Response: is a refusal to talk about problems.

It tends to be destructive because it doesn’t address problems. It is associates with Lose-Lose and Win-Lose.

The Neglect Response: is an avoidance or neglecting of problems. It is generally destructive as well because it

doesn’t resolve tension. It is also associated with Lose- Lose and Win-Lose.

The Loyalty Response: is a decision to tolerate the differences in a conflict. It tends to be constructive, at least for the short run, because it preserves the relationship. It is associated with Lose-Lose.

The Voice Response: is an identification of problems and involves a desire to deal with them. It is generally the most constructive method of resolving conflict because it implies a shared value in the relationship and a desire to preserve it. It is associated with Win-Win.

Unproductive Conflict Communication

Early Stages: fail to confirm individuals. People tend to listen poorly and may communicate

disdain non-verbally. Cross-complaining often occurs while dual perspective is low and defensiveness is high.

Middle Stages: are stoked by additional unconstructive communication, such as, “kitchen-

sinking” or the hauling out a laundry list of old gripes. Oftentimes this disrupts the flow and effectiveness of the discussion. Cross- complaining continues.

Later Stages: degrade into counterproposals where the participants push their own solutions rather than considering the other’s perspective. Egocentric discourse ensues and participants are often embroiled in metacommunication and lose sight of the original issue.

Constructive Conflict Communication

Early Stages: confirms individuals by establishing a good climate through listening, recognizing and acknowledging each other’s concerns & feelings. Openness clears the way for effective discussion of how to increase closeness. Participants work together to solve a problem.

Middle Stages: dig deeper into issues through “Agenda Building” while staying focused on the main conflict. When side issues surface, participants use “Bracketing” where they mutually decide to cover the side matter at a later time. Acknowledgement takes place of cross- complaining.

Later Stages: resolve the tension while operating collaboratively. Participants engage in “Contracting” where they build a solution through negotiation and acceptance of parts of the proposals.

Conflict Management Skills 1 - 4Attending to a Relationship Level of Meaning: focus on the

content level of meaning to deal with the issue or problem and the relationship level of meaning to consistently communicate respect and attentiveness to the relationship.

Communicate Supportively: monitor communication to ensure it encourages a supportive climate while being descriptive, provisional, spontaneous, problem oriented, empathetic and egalitarian.

Listen Mindfully: to consider the other person’s ideas or criticisms. Show respect by paying attention and seeking

to understand to open the door to a conversation.

Take Responsibility: for your thoughts, feelings and issues. “I” language is a cornerstone to owning your perspective and seeking a mutual Win-Win resolution. Use statements showing ownership like “I feel angry when you are late” instead of “your lateness makes me angry”.

Conflict Management Skills 5 - 8Check Perceptions: to avoid distortion by paraphrasing what

was heard. Ask direct questions, being careful to avoid communication that fosters defensiveness. This is particularly important with online communications.

Look for Points of Agreement: in search for a common ground, likely on other matters related to the conflict. Doing so shows each participant cares about the other and respects their feelings.

Look for Ways to Preserve the Other’s Face: to help avoid embarrassment or shame to ensure no one participant feels defeated or stupid. Be gracious to ensure the safety

of dignity and face.

Imagine How you’ll Feel in the Future: before saying a thing. Think about how you will feel tomorrow, next week or next year if the original reaction were to be expressed. This will help the communication to remain ethical while fostering self-respect and supporting the continuation of the relationship.

Guidelines for Effective Communication during Conflict 1-3

Focus on the Overall Communication System: as communication is systemic. It occurs in context and is

composed of many interacting parts. Empower conflict management skills to resolve issues.

Time Conflict Purposefully: at a time when both people will be fully psychologically present to foster a good climate of listening and thoughtful responses. Generally not advisable to engage in conflict in the heat of anger.

Aim for a Win-Win: by entering a conflict with the assumption that you, the other person and the relationship can all benefit from the conflict. Identify your feelings, needs and desires in clear language and ascertain these same things from the other individual. Listen mindfully and use language that promotes cooperation. Continually remind yourself that win- win solutions are most likely when both people balance

concern for themselves and concern for each other.

Guidelines for Effective Communication during Conflict 4 - 5

Honor Yourself, Your Partner and the Relationship: as constructive conflict communication is impossible if you disregard or demean the other person’s needs and feelings or disregard your own needs and feelings. Express feelings and needs clearly. Focus on constructive forms of communication

Show “Grace” When Appropriate: to grant forgiveness or put aside your own needs when there is no standard that says you should or must do so. “Grace” is not forgiving when we should, but rather, it is unearned and unrequired kindness. This involves letting go of anger, blame and judgments about what has transpired. It is given without strings, not to make a friend feel grateful or indebted. No One is Perfect! We All Make Mistakes and Wound Others! But Being Gracious Allows the Richest and Most Enduring Relationships to Grow!

Activity Time!!!!

You put a can of soda in the refrigerator at work and it disappears. Later you

discover who stole it.

How would you handle this situation?