SECTION VIII--Editorial The editorial contributions published in this Journal represent only the opinions of their writers. Such being the case, this

Journal is in no way responsible for editorlal ezpressions.

(This seclion is open to contributions from any medical reader, whether a member of lhe Editorial Council or not.)

H I G H E R E D U C A T I O N A N D "THE SLUGGISH SYSTEM"

The door opened. Our Secretary said "'Miss Wilkerson t to see you on a personal matter."

There entered such a vision of young feminine pulchritude, so quietly, yet daintily clad, that an emotion possibly a bit deeper than demanded by the requirement of courtesy, brought us promptly to our feet to greet this late afternoon sunbeam. We clasped the hospitable, elegantly-gloved fin- gers which were, however, extended but a short distance and at the level of the fourth thoracic vertebra.

Having been seated, this in-that-early-twenties charmer flashed what to an Oldster bore qualities of a come hither look, the violet eyes--made up like those of the glorious gals who grin seductively from "Photoplay's" shiny front- cover--swept our sanctum, rested abruptly upon a football squad-picture and in dulcet tones--(the most approved Londonese modified ~,ia Boston)--emoted "'Ah! Dear old Princeton! How oft, as a Wellesley girl. I have spent de- liciously marvellous week-ends at Ivy! II hich dear boy is your Son? Surely, I have reel him! Few of the "Big Four' boys are strangers to me!'" etc., etc.--until our tlxed stare at the clock checked the gushing outburst:

"The personal matter," recited most charmingly, frankly and with appropriate gestures and accompanied by discreet exhibitions of superbly-silked ankle and calf, briefly was: Doctor, you are so famous in your specialty and so widely known ("original research" to us!) that my employers, "The Butcher's Yeast Company." has selected you from simply thousands of specialists (!) fur an awardl (,The trace of Scotch blood in our veins agitated our platelets mightily here!). As a specialist, you must know that most modern people, due to faulty food, lack of exercise, the daily "grind," worry, anxiety (and so on, ir~filffhun), actually poison them- selves every day in the war. Their "sluggish systems"--and dear Doctor, even men in your own profession are not exempt ! --cause bad taste, horrid breath, headache, lack of appetite, easy fatigue, inability to concentrate, inefficiency (here a condemning "straight-eye" at us!), inferiority complex, nervous irritability, chronic dyspepsia, blotched and sallow skin, anemia, lack of "'vital tone" (did her toe touch our shin?), complete psychic and physical disorganization and ultimately~.failnre!! Undoubtedly, "'the sluggish system" caused the 1929-30 economic debacle, as these graphs demon- strate (here some fair replicas of brokers" charts) an(I, un- questionably, until "'sluggish systems" are r~'(luced to the minima, our wonderful e()untry--in fact. the entire world! can never rescue itself fi'om the l)erfeetly dread hal depression into which it has been plunged[ Now, dear Doctor. the most renowned scientists of Europe have prated, by exlensivo experiments, that the only way to combat "'the sluggish system" and thu,s bring health and harmony into individual and national life, is by the regular eatit~g qf fresh yeast--and, of course, dear Doctor, that means, really, "'Butcher's Yeast," the ~east manufactured by my employers!--(here, a pause for breath and opportunity to draw a bit closer to us so that the next effort would appear more confidential: also, that we might scent the delicate odor of Iol de Yait and have a few more volts and ohms from the flashing, violet eyes).

So, dear Doctor, although, as you can .iudge. I am not a trained scientist, my employers have commissioned me to se- cure from you a few words telling how. fl'om your perfectly enormous and perfectly a,onderfal experience, you have pre- scribed yeast--particularly our yeast--to ('ombat the poisons due to "the sluggish system," to energize and revitalize poor ] T h e e x p e r i e n c e s b e l o w d e t a i l e d a r e n o t f a n c i f u l . T h e y s y n o p s i z e a n a c t u a l o c c u r -

r ence . T h e n a m e s a r e s u b s t i t u t i o n s .

unfortunate sufferers. Of course, my dear Doctor (come hither look and the other "business" working overtime, newt) no one more than my employers and I realize how enormously valuable is your time (this, in the year of most acute economic paralysis!) and how long it will take you to study your records of patients: so, in order that you may not think that we plan to impose upon your philanthropic spiril and your professional kr~owledge, I am empowered to defray all the expenses of your research, even though the cost of your investigations may be as great as one thousand dollars! (Joyous visions of a new, shiny "Cadipack" invaded our fi'ontal lobe; transiently only, we vow!). No! No! this must not be looked upon as a .fee, merely, an "award," a slight and just compensation for your efforts in our behalf so that we may carry an authoritative message of cheer and en- couragement to that vast army of sufferers fi'om "sluggish system" throughout the world! European "'specialists" have been so helpful! From France, Germany, Great Britain, the Scandanavian countries--in fact, from all the great centers of science in the Old World--we have secured the co-opera- tion of the very greatest specialists in our campaign to rid the world of its greatest handicap: "the sluggish system." Now we are seeking the assistance of our own country's Great Specialists. Only a dozen are to be approached. But lhese men represent the very Flower of the Profession, the--(here about five hundred words extolling the virtues and accom- plishments of "the holy dozen"--tts, especially!).

Naturally, such outstanding men are somewhat timid with regards publicity, but you know, dear Doctor. times have changed: now, physicians feel that it is really their duty to enlighten less fortunate laymen respecting their ills and how to combat them by simple, basic, what may be termed, "household remedies." Even the management of your pro- fession's most widely circulated magazine approves of and instructs the public generally about "household remedies," and [ feel sure that it would not fail to emphasize the value of the regular and continued use of fresh yeast! Undoubtedly, when once a few men of your standing have certified our quite altruistic campaign and have permitted us to quote the re- suits of their studies, it will not be difficult to enlist the sup- port of other such Specialists as we chose to invite (our ears cocked up here!).

In fact, deal" Doctor, in order not to take too much of your time, for purposes of brevity and so that announcement- schedules may be not disturbed, our Investigation Depart- ment has surveyed the entire field and summarized matters so that all now necessary is that you read over these state- ments (a batch of typed sheets, here, gently placed on our blotter, while an Eleanor Holm-like figure--quite uninten- tionally, of eourse!--brushed our right shoulder). As you see instantly, our Scientists have included, with astonishing clarity and comprehensiveness, don't you agree? (I did), everything that pertains to the significance of fresh yeast towards "the sluggish system." In order to obviate a lot of technical detail--you know, dear Doctor, the publishing business is just choked with stupid technical stuff!--you may select the "Research Summary" which most is in line with your own rasl experience, sign your approval and thus avoid a terrible batch of dry, time-taking correspondence. If, after you have completed the study of your own patients' records, you tlnd that your researches add to what our laboratories have discovered, you need simply forward to us the new facts. You have no idea with what consideration these facts will be received and how carefully--as your ~,ery own contributions, to which, naturally you are entitled to priority--they will be preserved in our files over your signature! If your experi- ments do not uncover facts differing from those included in our Scientists' summaries (these great, palisade-foreheaded

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210 AMERICAN JOURNAL OF DIGESTIVE DISEASES AND ~N~UTRITION

lads unnamed so far as our gaze could determine or from the conversation of the fair Sybil from the yeast vats!). This is where you sign, dear Doctor. How fortunate it is that the one signed check which my employers are suggesting that I award you, merely as an honorarium, of course, is for as much as one thousand dollars! One cannot estimate ac- curately, of course, the cost in time and effort, of you and your assistants while making your investigations, but I can assure you, dear Doctor, that should this award not quite cover those costs, my employers will look leniently upon any additional statements you may render.

And speaking of photographs (had we dozed while the smooth, oh, so smooth, Miss Wilkerson, had been speaking: positively we had not spoken of any photographs !)--here a glance at the Princeton football huskies--hasn't your Secre- tary just a "snapshot" of you, as you work in. your laboratory or at the hospital? One where you wear a white coat or gown and when you are deeply interested as you work out a knotty problem at the microscope or in the X-ray Department? I'd just love to have such a photograph for my own private collection (here, more high-power with the violet eyes!) and I'm sure that, in our announcement of your great discoveries upon the effects of fresh yeast in combating the horrid re- suits of "the sluggish system," your photograph will carry conviction and authority to those whom all of us are trying to help! And, dear Doctor, I am sure that you will not. con- sider me bold when I say that you do photograph most im- pressivelyl (We, whose family constantly remark upon our being pretty "moth eaten!").

Just glance at these replicas of some of the distinguished Continental Scientists who have joined our crusade against "the sluggish system:" Prof. Adolph Grabgeld, the famous, temporary, seventh Assistant Docent to the Dispensary of the Krankenhaus fur Reichsmarklos Wienerwurst Gestoffers in Bodenbach; Dr. Louis de Francboi, late Assistant, during the summer semester, Hospital de pitie de sujects, Hotcha sur Marne; Sir Whynot Bluffem (pronounced, "Chumley Haw- Haw!") Junior-in-charge, Hospital for Sick Ex-Scotland Yard Arab Scouts, Nettlesdew-on-Humber; Dr. Basilstein Roublehoarderwitski, Special Consultant in Blackbreadworm Diseases, Nova Novgarod; Dr. Gnlpa Sphagetti, Chief of Staff, Hospital for Organ-grinder's Monkeys with Bunions, Amat-on-the-Tiber; Dr. Baron Janos yon Koranalopo, emi- nent investigator, "Shrine of Health," Tetchen, Austria; Dr. Karl Aquavitson, renowned Swedish ex-diener, Pest- House, Upsala; Dr. Igotit Toto, world-famous Japanese re- search scholar, Imperial University of Tgsuri and--but our interest flagged on observing that several of the "stars" peered through 'scopes lacking slides on their stages and at least one "expert" intensely studied an upside-down X-ray film!

Our Sunbeam paused. With the "count at nine" on us, we managed to gasp: "But, Lady, aren't you in the wrong shop? We have a lot of doubts as to the frequency and the evil effects of "the sluggish system;" we aren't so keen a yeast- feeder as one might think; besides, broke tho' we may be, the Butcher Boys' cheque leaves us cold; why pick on usP--and, moreover, already, we're late for dinner"!

Wellesley gal or rm, we up and fled. What became of our charmer we have no means of knowing.

But the end was not yet: Higher Education still pursued. At dinner we tuned in for what we hoped would be a much- regarded, string quintet. Instead, our dinner table was invaded by "the sluggish system" (nasty persons!) via Yale's urbane, but adenoidic, sinus-foggy, "crooner." Then followed an M.D., whom Harvard: honored with a diploma and who became a "health authority," altho' no records exist of his ever being engaged in aught but commer- cial labor. This ballyhoo was "toned for refined ears," yet not toned so completely as to fail to instill the heebie-jeebies of "the sluggish system" into the minds of those who had barely "passed sixth grade," hence, still take seriously all folks who have traversed Harvard's sacred Yard. Simul-

taneously with dessert, there intruded the rather bored, "we-the-peepul"-voice of the Senior Senator from Megalopo- As, a male, graduated by the long-defunct, politically-estab- fished and maintained Homeopathic Department of a dis- tinguished Mid-Western University--a nose and throat sur- geon by trade in the days when he worked for a living, but within a decade, a self-styled, self-propagandized, highly- touted, "world-famed Health Authority." General and inane were the words from this very "fountain-head" at Washing= ton, but did they fail to saturate our dinner with the evils attendant upon "faulty elimination" and "the sluggish system?" They did not; though very discretely (since the noted Megalopolis' Senator is pohtically hitched with a major Brain Truster on a "Food and Drugs' Bill") the su- preme value of yeast as a corrector of all human ills only was hinted at.

"What a programt What an intellectual trio! What a slam !"--doubtless gleed the sponsors of this hour of radio propaganda and entertainment. Could the combination be beaten? It could not---certainly, not for its cost!

Unquestionably, yeast and "the sluggish system" were being put over on the populace; "and ketch 'em when their eatin'! They gotta take it: don't every wun eat? I 'llsay! An' when they eat, don't they think of their bowels? They do? If they don't, make 'em think! That's good business: they begin takin' "our product," forget what a natural B.M. is like and when they have one, "our product" gets the credit! The "psychos" on our Advertising Staff have swell graphs shown' just how good a guy feels when he visions a "grand" B.M. An' them college fellers is smart, I 'm sayin'! Didn't that gen twhat thought up "sluggish system" for a slogan, graduate from a college, an' didn't he get a whale of a "raise" when he sprung it! Why you ken use them polite words anywhere: them's parlor words, what could only be born from a feller whose been to college!"

"0, temporal O, moresr' However, being but a humble physician, we can but won-

der how great is the harm accruing from the dozen or more radio broadcasts which teach false slogans regarding the effects of so-called colon stasis (elegantly, "the sluggish system!"); which influence quite normal folk towards de- veloping habits of constantly interfering with adequate di- gestive sequences; whose sponsors, seduce, by heavy subsidy, men in the public eye to broadcast on topics about which they huge no special knowledge; which, for commercial gain, are willing to frighten out of their wits by lies, half-truths and fake "cases," half our adult population; which frankly buy favorable statements from less than ordinary doctors and then palm off on the public such professional renegades as being outstanding scientists or clinicians (which they well know is not so even when they announce the "eminents' "names and print their portraits !) ; which sponsors annually take millions of dollars from the pockets of dupes and, by the furtherance of self-medication, yearly rob thousands of the really ill of their opportunities for help at a time when help could be given.

Recently, the Council of the Chicago Medical Society moved to condemn the radio-broadcasting of "medical or therapeutic" advice by unqualified or unauthorized persons or firms. Such action, decidedly, is a step in the right direc- tion; but the effect of the Society's petition doubtless, will be nil. When one hears, via radio, pseudo-learned discussions of "the sluggish system," yeast and other cure-alls, one does not hear the voice of authority: it is money which is talking, money which aims to grow bigger--and talk louder--by at- tracting more money from those whom it fools.

Meanwhile the "nutrition" lads and the "vitamine" boys fiddle with foods and animals, collecting ammunition later to be employed, by certain of the commercial houses which hire them, to trick the public, to interfere with the legitimate practice of medicine and to bring false hope to folks who may be dangerously ill. Is there no quota set to limit the output of potentially harmful agents or to the number of words howl- ing their fancied virtues through the ether? F . S .