GRAY LOVE Moments when clouds block the sun on

life’s romance

By Writing

Miles

Table of Contents

1. Lovely Aquarius 2. Knitting Souls 3. Holding Hands 4. Billows 5. Inadequate 6. Empathy 7. Lying Smiles 8. Change 9. After Taste 10. Praying for My Unicorn 11. I Don’t Know 12. Strip 13. Painful 14. Indelible Marks 15. Glad to Stay 16. Leaving Lonely Alone 17. These Bars 18. Lies and Vanity 19. Black Sheep 20. Robot Jones

Lovely Aquarius

These Virgos got me tripping until I fall, slipping far away from the things that call my attention to cease and roll like a ball down the gutter with every pin standing tall. I had to wait till the cold of winter to feel heat again within my inners. The beautiful smile of a wintery princess froze my pain, starting the process of springing into new life and sunshine. Seeing a mythical unicorn with my own eyes, a legend of mystery, captures my mind to be lost in stories that became my reality. And in the midst of calamity I still feel fine knowing the Holy Divine has my back see. As summer comes around with arms to embrace, four seasons have passed and I’m loving the chase.

Knitting Souls

Knitting souls together is a delicate process of tender touch and warm hands. My grip isn’t strong enough to hold onto these feelings, To keep back the rushing waves of my heart from pouring out and flooding my world. There’s no way I can keep from admitting you have captivated me. You have taken me to another place I once thought I knew. I thought I had seen these fields before, that I had seen these trees, and these beautiful skies, but this land is foreign to me. This distant journey has been so blind, but I can’t be deaf to the truth: that I love you. It’s scary for both of us, I know. Like waking up somewhere you’ve never been, and you aren’t sure, you can’t remember, you can’t put the pieces together to explain how you got here. We can trace these foot prints though, and see the weight of time and change press us into the fresh soil of this beautiful landscape of knitted souls. It’s a mystery, but not a trick. A deliberate movement of slightly gripped hands and vulnerable hearts. Resting on the truth of a trusted voice. A loving Father who guides and supports the needle and thread of this growing fabric that holds us together. And all we can do is lie here and swing in this hammock of uncertainty, hoping and trusting, we can stay here for the rest of our days.

Holding Hands

Let’s hold hands And forget we were ever apart, Enjoying the simplest Of connections. Our fingers intertwined Form a row of stitches Holding us together like a healing wound. Waiting for time to have its way, Pulling us together So we look like we’re Part of the same piece. No real difference, Only a smooth gradient from light to dark. So close to one another it’s art On display for others to enjoy, Refuse, reject, and wonder, How things would be If they held hands with their lover.

Billows

Sadness billows out between us, It resonates and leaks from a small speaker Lubricating the kisses and roaming hands Searching for solace in the field of pleasure Unchecked by judging eyes and words. All we have in this moment is the human experience. All we have is dreams behind fig leaves of shame; Trying to enjoy feeling whole for a moment Amidst the brokenness. We vibe to the music even when the moment Has passed and all we can say is, “I’m sorry” and “It’s okay”. Holding in loving and patient arms: Heartbreak, loneliness, and billowing sadness. All we have is this human experience Covered with mercy, grace, and repentance, Hoping the story will get better through these Shed tears and small speakers Filled with broken songs.

Inadequate

I’m overwhelmed by the thought of you. The daunting task of being great for you; Being what you need and pleasing you. Maybe my mind is messed up, but I feel so inadequate when it comes to you. That I’ll fall short, Fall short in being great with you. And I can see you shaking your fist, Raising your voice, Telling me to stop. And I wish I could, but in my eyes you’re on another level. Out of my league. Out of my world. Something too far and too real to grasp. Inadequate: Unstable, inept, or insufficient; is how I see myself in your glow. I know you’re no goddess or heavenly being: Made from the dirt just like me. I’m still overwhelmed by the thought, “Me and you…together.” Seems like a star holding hands with a pebble. Maybe in all of this that’s why there’s grace, Because I need God to help me. To help me see beyond myself And depend on His sufficiency. Because even if I never feel up to par I want to give you all of my heart, All of my strength, and all of my love; Serving you like Christ does for his Love. So please bear with me as I struggle through these weaknesses. You maybe a star, but I’m glad you’re mine. I maybe a pebble, but I’m all yours. No matter how small I seem, I know He can do great things with me.

Empathy

When did everything become so cloudy, so unsure, and shaky? When did this Rock become sand under my feet leaving me to questions that have me spinning in circles? Dreams and hopes have vanished like the sun behind clouds. I’m covered in shadows of doubt, fear, and pain. Where is my comfort? Where is my joy? Where is my hope? It would be bearable if I didn’t feel forsaken by you; abandoned to my own devices and horrifying silence. I cry and scream, but no response. Your letter is drenched with my tears and blood; my hands are sore and brittle from clasping at hope, but all I feel is alone. Where are you? Where is my hope when I am hopeless? Where is my joy when I’m mourning? Where are your promises when I feel so poor, naked, and blind? Where are you? Where are you?

Lying Smiles

Is it lying if I smile for you? Hide my heart so yours can breathe Put on a show just for you Trying to give you what you need I understand this world is gloomy Too gray to see the sun You don’t want to see anymore sights If it’s really not that fun So, I’ll smile, sing, and dance Whenever you need me to A pick me up for your heart A pick me up for your heart But, is it lying if I smile for you? Hide my heart so yours can breathe Put on a show just for you Trying to give you what you need.

Change

If I don’t change, I wonder if she’ll stay. If I don’t get better, I wonder if she’ll stay. I wonder if she’ll give up, grow tired, And leave me here; Alone to deal with my mess. I’m trying to do better, but maybe Not hard enough. My clouds don’t really fit in a world Of sunshine. Too much rain and water just causes problems, and it seems that’s all I bring. Rain, tears, and pain. Praying the storm will pass by and she Can see the sun again. I wonder if I give her an umbrella, If she’ll stay.

After Taste

I feel strange. I don’t like the taste you left in my mouth. I’m frustrated because I can’t see past my selfishness or yours, and once more I’m suffering in silence with sores growing on the lining of my throat. Frustrated because I can’t let my pride boast with loveless words and sharp tones. Each syllable is a stick and a stone, and if not for the Lord’s mercy we’d both have broken bones. Thank God for mercy though, because these words aren’t worth letting out of the gate: Passed these pearly whites to see the light of a tragic mistake. Speaking out of rage and not love. I feel strange with this taste in my mouth, but I’ll swallow hard if it helps us stay afloat.

Prayer for My Unicorn

My unicorn is fragile: Precious and magical. A sight to make the blind wish for healing; A wonder that makes the foolish crave wisdom. My unicorn is special: One of a kind, unique. A song you wish would never end; A fragrance that fills the starved. My unicorn is wounded: Scarred and beaten. It’s heart breaking to hear How so many have harmed her, Have missed her beauty and elegance. My unicorn, I pray will be healed, Not for others to only witness a miracle, But so she can believe again and know that she is a unicorn.

I Don’t Know

I’m tired, Falling apart waiting for the day to end. Waiting for the sun to set so tomorrow Becomes today. I don’t know how much longer I can hang on. My motivation is running low. My drive is failing. My passion is waning and… I’m not sure what to do next. I don’t know what to turn to. I don’t know how to hold on.

Strip

It feels heavy like wet clothes: Cold and clinging to my body. I can still move, but I’m heavy And weighted by my mistakes. No regrets, but I know I did wrong. I can’t let these thoughts go, lingering memories that cause self-inflicting discourse to run wild in my mind. I can’t let these things go. If I could strip it off and let these past things dry up and go away, then maybe I would feel normal again. Maybe all this guilt won’t be so pressing upon me If I could only strip this all off; Then maybe I’ll be able to move on.

Painful

It’s painful to watch And try to join your celebration. When all I feel Is regret for what I did. Good intentions Can still come with heavy burdens. All I can do now is endure this pain And wait till this part of me is so numb I feel like it’s faded away. Knowing, that if the right nerve is hit All the feeling will come back again.

Indelible Marks

You learn to live with the indelible marks, moon size craters on the surface of your mind, that make people awe struck. Wondering how you survived something so devastating; it makes you question luck, and accept the reality that you reap what you sow. An inescapable law that bears fruit faster than we are willing to wait. No matter the amount of times you apologize and try to fill the holes that have covered your past, present, and future, you can’t hide what’s true: Bad decisions were made and pain was the result. Every crater, every explosion, every hole that easily triggers past thoughts; you learn to live with them. You learn to accept; and you learn how to make due, because the biggest hole can always become a pool. A relaxing attraction that steers you away from the reality that there once was flat land: peaceful, serene and undisturbed. But, change is inevitable and life moves on, or so they say, as another crater is formed in front of your face. You learn to live with indelible marks. They add to the character of this changing land and no matter what happens, you have to be thankful for your holes.

Glad to Stay

I’m holding onto you, even though you’re far away, imagining that you’re close and we’re glad to stay in each other’s hearts, waiting patiently for the day we can start. When this trip into the future seems so bleak I remember your smile and my doubts shrink. I’m holding onto you, even though you’re far away, imagining that you’re close and we’re glad to stay; hand in hand, with every step, helping each other get to what’s next on this excursion of real fantasies, and I wouldn’t want anyone else, but you dancing with me. I’m holding onto you even though you’re far away Imagining that you’re close and we’re glad to stay.

Leaving Lonely Alone

Maybe it’s something else Besides what I’m thinking. Maybe I’m not really alone, But why does it feel so real? Seeing familiar faces That feel like strangers to me. Friends, acquaintances, buddies, and homies All around, but I feel deserted. A hermit at heart. A loner in spirit. Although I know it’s not right, It’s not right to pull away, To run away from you and them; It’s so second nature though. Hopefully, this too, will pass. So that I can be kind and compassionate And represent your love. I can’t keep feeling this way. I have to leave lonely alone And embrace the fire, Even if I get burned.

These Bars

Wanting to escape the bars of these heartbeats, I can’t help but cut myself on the metal that surrounds me. Claustrophobia has me scared and choking, gasping for peace, freedom, and a way to get away from all I see around me. Disappointment, disease, discouragement and more disses that piss all over my dreams. The world is a mangy mutt trying to mark its territory and claim that I’m his. Clawing at everything around me; I refuse to lay still to the process of becoming pitiful property. I’m more than a caged bird singing, I’m a stallion longing to run free from the stable and greet destiny. Slow motion epic shots can only capture the potential that’s residing inside these bars. I’m waiting for this steel to budge, and bend under the pressure of my restrained passion. Expecting the door to fling open wide so I can escape this mediocre mortuary of fear and settling; there’s much more to this story than a nine to five and health insurance. If only these bars weren’t so thick, I’d be off to the races and feeling sweet bliss. Freedom from expectations and criticisms; to fully enjoy the potential that was given to me. Freedom to truly be me.

Lies and Vanity

Stop selling me hopes and dreams, maybe reality is all I want; something tangible that I can let go of and run from. Don’t give me what I can never have. Stop selling me lies and vanity; just give me what is true so I can carry on. Maybe some folk want to fly to Never Land, but there’s only one land I hope to get to and I know it’s real. Don’t think fear can hold still His kingdom that I’m yearning and longing for. I want more than riches, fame, and even “love.” I’m longing to be overwhelmed in Truth that’ll quench the driest mouth and fill the deepest void. But, while I’m waiting, along with many others, for this spectacle of stupendous degree, stop telling me lies that leave me anything but free.

Black Sheep

Something was always a little off. It was more than the hue, than the shade, than the depth of his wool; It was something more That made him different from the rest. They laughed, he groaned; They smiled, he frowned; And wherever they were He was never there. Lost in a world of desire Pulling him far away from the flock, And no matter how cold it felt, Or how strange he felt There seemed to be nothing he could do. Nothing could change him. Nothing could make him any less of who he was; Any less of the oddity and stranger That he never chose to be. Always standing a little ways off, Just a step out of view, enough to be invisible. Just enough to let you know he was there, but far away: Simultaneously. They smiled. He frowned. They laughed. He groaned. Nothing he could do Would change who he was; So, he accepted it and tried to find love.

Robot Jones

Cold. Confusion. Computation. My gears go clockwise, but this world is so counter to my clock work. Her heartbeat leaves me puzzled; processing the irregularities make me lag. I wish I could understand. I wish I could feel. I wish I could wish. Then maybe it wouldn’t be Cold, Confusing, Computation. I can’t feel her warmth and appreciate her smile or understand the tears she sheds. I try to and I’m stuck under ones and zeros, looking for an error, something that makes sense to me. But, even when I seem so heartless there’s something there that breaks me down, realizing that I’m trapped by cold, confused, computation.