RRelational Intelligence (RI) reminds us that the way we choose to relate to one another determines the quality of our human experi-ence and reveals what we value most. If we took a panoramic view of humanity, we’d discover that human relationships unfortu-nately are often reduced to a commodity, as if people were buying, selling, and trading relationships for personal benefi t. This book challenges leaders to no longer see people as a means to an end but to approach people with relational intelligence.

In this book, thought leader, relational intel-ligence practitioner, and professor Steve Saccone defi nes the six roles of a relational genius and why they’re essential for the rela-tionally intelligent leader. These life-changing principles can be applied both to church lead-ership and any other leadership context.

While many leaders want to be relationally intelligent, they struggle to understand what it means and how to implement it. Saccone defi nes RI in a clear and provocative way: “Relational” in RI means learning to see people as the highest value and conveying that to them. The “Intelligent” part of RI means learning effective interpersonal skills and then applying them in ways that expand infl uence.

Many leaders long to be infl uential and missional but, mistakenly, this pursuit is often at the cost of valuing people. When leaders get the relational part right (loving well), and

combine it with the intelligence part (applying effective interpersonal skills), their impact will be far-reaching, and even immeasurable.

As a result of becoming relationally intelligent, the world will become not only a smarter place, but a more human one. This is the world Jesus envisions, where love and mission intersect—a world that can only become a reality if we begin to live—and lead with—this new way of being smart.

STEVE SACCONE serves as a catalyst at Mosaic, a community of faith in Los Angeles. His roles include campus pastor and director of Protégé (a two-year global leadership development program). In addition, Steve works as a faith fi eld advisor for The Gallup Organization, speaker, consultant for Monvee, and professor for Golden Gate Seminary. He has an M.A. in Transformational Leadership and lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Cheri, and son, Hudson.

www.relationalintelligence.info www.stevesaccone.com

ABOUT LEADERSHIP NETWORKThe mission of Leadership Network identi-fies and connects innovative church leaders, providing them with resources in the form of new ideas, people, and tools. Contact Leadership Network at www.leadnet.org.

“If you’ve ever wondered why smart leaders do dumb things, this is the book for you. Steve unpacks the dynamics that make leaders most effective—as well as most joyful. You probably don’t need this information yourself, but read it anyway. You’ll think of lots of people who do need it.”

—John Ortberg, best-selling author and senior pastor, Menlo Park Presbyterian Church

“Steve Saccone . . . is not merely a theorist, but a practitioner that I greatly admire as I have seen in action what he writes about. Relational Intelligence is thought provoking and most of all practical. Leadership of any form is about people and communication and Steve ingeniously addresses both.”

—Dan Kimball, author, They Like Jesus But Not The Church, and pastor, Vintage Faith Church

“Wow! You cannot read Relational Intelligence and not be challenged, empowered, and equipped. This book has it all, and every leader must read it!”

—Princess Kasune Zulu, advocate and activist for HIV and AIDS; World Vision spokeswoman; world-renowned speaker; and author, Warrior Princess

“If anyone is qualifi ed to write on Relational Intelligence it’s Steve Saccone. You’ll have a new friend by the time you’re done reading this book.”

—Mark Batterson, best-selling author and lead pastor, National Community Church

“Steve Saccone . . . .point[s] to issues in our inner and outer worlds that signifi cantly shape our infl uence as leaders. For those of us who value leading through relation-ship, this book is a wise investment.”

—Nancy Ortberg, consultant and founding partner, Teamworx2, an affi liate for Table Group (A Patrick Lencioni Company)

“Curiosity got me started in this book; great insight kept me reading; transformation has me planning on reading it again! Steve Saccone takes the mystery out of ‘how to’ when it comes to infl uencing others . . . .Brilliant stuff!”

—Ed Gungor, New York Times best-selling author, There’s More to the Secret

U.S. $24.95 | CAN $29.95

CHURCH MINISTRY/LEADERSHIP

www.josseybass.com

Jacket design by Joby Harris

Relational IntelligenceRelational Intelligence

STEVE SACCONES

AC

CO

NE

HOW LEADERS CAN EXPAND THEIR Influence

THROUGH a New Way of Being Smart

With a Foreword by ERWIN RAPHAEL McMANUS

RR

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Relational Intelligence

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Relational Intelligence

How Leaders Can ExpandTheir Infl uence Through aNew Way of Being Smart

STEVE SACCONEFOREWORD BY ERWIN RAPHAEL McMANUS

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Copyright © 2009 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. All rights reserved.

Published by Jossey-BassA Wiley Imprint989 Market Street, San Francisco, CA 94103-1741—www.josseybass.com

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, 978-750-8400, fax 978-646-8600, or on the Web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, 201-748-6011, fax 201-748-6008, or online at www.wiley.com/go/permissions.

Readers should be aware that Internet Web sites offered as citations and/or sources for further information may have changed or disappeared between the time this was written and when it is read.

Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifi cally disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fi tness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor author shall be liable for any loss of profi t or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages.

Jossey-Bass books and products are available through most bookstores. To contact Jossey-Bass directly call our Customer Care Department within the U.S. at 800-956-7739, outside the U.S. at 317-572-3986, or fax 317-572-4002.

Jossey-Bass also publishes its books in a variety of electronic formats. Some content that appears in print may not be available in electronic books.

All Scripture attributions are listed in the Notes section at the end of the book.

Scripture quotations marked (NIV) are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked (NASB) are taken from the New American Standard Bible®, Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org)

Scripture quotations marked (TNIV) are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, TODAY’S NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. TNIV®. Copyright© 2001, 2005 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Saccone, Steve, date. Relational intelligence : how leaders can expand their infl uence through a new way of being smart / Steve Saccone; foreword by Erwin Raphael McManus.—1st ed. p. cm.—(Leadership network series) Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 978-0-470-43869-5 (cloth) 1. Christian leadership. 2. Interpersonal relations—Religious aspects— Christianity. I. Title. BV652.1.S23 2009 253—dc22

2009018598

Printed in the United States of Americafi rst edition

HB Printing 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

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Leadership Network Titles

The Blogging Church: Sharing the Story of Your Church Through Blogs, Brian Bailey and Terry StorchChurch Turned Inside Out: A Guide for Designers, Refiners, and Re-Aligners, Linda Bergquist and Allan KarrLeading from the Second Chair: Serving Your Church, Fulfi lling Your Role, and Realizing Your Dreams, Mike Bonem and Roger PattersonThe Way of Jesus: A Journey of Freedom for Pilgrims and Wanderers, Jonathan S. Campbell with Jennifer CampbellLeading the Team-Based Church: How Pastors and Church Staffs Can Grow Together into a Powerful Fellowship of Leaders, George CladisOrganic Church: Growing Faith Where Life Happens, Neil ColeOff-Road Disciplines: Spiritual Adventures of Missional Leaders, Earl CrepsReverse Mentoring: How Young Leaders Can Transform the Church and Why We Should Let Them, Earl CrepsBuilding a Healthy Multi-Ethnic Church: Mandate, Commitments, and Practices of a Diverse Congregation, Mark DeYmazLeading Congregational Change Workbook, James H. Furr, Mike Bonem, and Jim HerringtonThe Tangible Kingdom: Creating Incarnational Community, Hugh Halter and Matt SmayLeading Congregational Change: A Practical Guide for the Transformational Journey, Jim Herrington, Mike Bonem, and James H. Furr

v

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vi Leadership Network Titles

The Leader’s Journey: Accepting the Call to Personal and Congregational Transformation, Jim Herrington, Robert Creech, and Trisha TaylorWhole Church: Leading from Fragmentation to Engagement, Mel LawrenzCulture Shift: Transforming Your Church from the Inside Out, Robert Lewis and Wayne Cordeiro, with Warren BirdChurch Unique: How Missional Leaders Cast Vision, Capture Culture, and Create Movement, Will ManciniA New Kind of Christian: A Tale of Two Friends on a Spiritual Journey, Brian D. McLarenThe Story We Find Ourselves In: Further Adventures of a New Kind of Christian, Brian D. McLarenMissional Renaissance: Changing the Scorecard for the Church, Reggie McNealPracticing Greatness: 7 Disciplines of Extraordinary Spiritual Leaders, Reggie McNeal The Present Future: Six Tough Questions for the Church, Reggie McNealA Work of Heart: Understanding How God Shapes Spiritual Leaders, Reggie McNealThe Millennium Matrix: Reclaiming the Past, Reframing the Future of the Church, M. Rex MillerShaped by God’s Heart: The Passion and Practices of Missional Churches, Milfred MinatreaThe Missional Leader: Equipping Your Church to Reach a Changing World, Alan J. Roxburgh and Fred Romanuk Relational Intelligence: How Leaders Can Expand Their Infl uence Through a New Way of Being Smart, Steve SacconeThe Ascent of a Leader: How Ordinary Relationships Develop Extraor-dinary Character and Infl uence, Bill Thrall, Bruce McNicol, and Ken McElrathBeyond Megachurch Myths: What We Can Learn from America’s Largest Churches, Scott Thumma and Dave TravisThe Elephant in the Boardroom: Speaking the Unspoken About Pastoral Transitions, Carolyn Weese and J. Russell Crabtree

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vii

Contents

About Leadership Network ix

Foreword by Erwin Raphael McManus xi

Heroes to Acknowledge xv

PART ONE The Origins of Relational Intelligence

1. The Human Economy 72. The Michael Scott Syndrome 25

PART TWO The Hidden Power of a Relational Genius

3. The Story Collector 554. The Energy Carrier 795. The Compelling Relator 1036. The Conversational Futurist 1277. The Likeable Hero 1498. The Disproportionate Investor 1699. The Last Word 187

Notes 189

Bibliography 191

The Author 195

Index 197

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ix

About LeadershipNetwork

Since 1984, Leadership Network has fostered church innova-tion and growth by diligently pursuing its far - reaching mis-sion statement: to identify, connect, and help high - capacity Christian leaders multiply their impact.

Although Leadership Network ’ s techniques adapt and change as the church faces new opportunities and challenges, the organization ’ s work follows a consistent and proven pat-tern: Leadership Network brings together entrepreneurial lead-ers who are focused on similar ministry initiatives. The ensuing collaboration — often across denominational lines — creates a strong base from which individual leaders can better analyze and refi ne their own strategies. Peer - to - peer interaction, dia-logue, and sharing inevitably accelerate participants ’ innovation and ideas. Leadership Network further enhances this process through developing and distributing highly targeted ministry tools and resources, including audio and video programs, special reports, e - publications, and online downloads.

With Leadership Network ’ s assistance, today ’ s Christian leaders are energized, equipped, inspired, and better able to mul-tiply their own dynamic Kingdom - building initiatives.

Launched in 1996 in conjunction with Jossey - Bass (a Wiley imprint), Leadership Network Publications present thoroughly researched and innovative concepts from leading thinkers, practitioners, and pioneering churches. The series collectively

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draws from a range of disciplines, with individual titles offering perspective on one or more of fi ve primary areas:

1. Enabling effective leadership

2. Encouraging life - changing service

3. Building authentic community

4. Creating Kingdom - centered impact

5. Engaging cultural and demographic realities

For additional information on the mission or activities of Leadership Network, please contact:

Leadership Network (800) 765 - 5323 client.care@leadnet.org

x About Leadership Network

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xi

Foreword

I have had the privilege of knowing Steve and his amazing wife, Cheri, for several years now, and I still remember the day we met. They both left an unforgettable impression on my life. They had been recommended by a friend who spoke of them in such glowing terms that I was certain I was being set up for dis-appointment. My friend was right, and I was more than pleas-antly surprised. I knew right away that in a world enamored with high - powered leadership styles and in a culture addicted to style over substance, Steve may be potentially overlooked and underestimated. Steve wasn ’ t the proverbial diamond in the rough; he was a diamond in a world that valued glitter. He wasn ’ t going to grab your attention with how bright he shined; he would, however, illuminate any room with the light he brought out in others. In a strange way, Steve ’ s greatest gifts are the ones he brings out in those who work with him. He has over the years developed an absurd number of leaders, all of whom consider Steve a good friend. This is what I think makes Steve unique and uniquely qualifi ed to write this book. Steve doesn ’ t work with bosses, peers, or subordinates — he works with friends. Regardless of his role or organizational position, rela-tionship is the unifying core of everything he does and everyone he works with. Steve doesn ’ t so much lead through teams as he leads through community. And he does this with great intel-ligence — specifi cally relational intelligence.

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People come from all over the world to Los Angeles to experience and observe Mosaic. They come hoping to glean a new approach to ministry or to discover what the church will look like in the future. Given only a few hours around one of our gatherings, they might leave inspired by the creativity and artistry of our community, or they might leave determined to refl ect our diversity as they see the world come together across seven different locations. Only those who are careful observers will see that what really makes Mosaic possible is a deep invest-ment in people and a profound commitment to being authenti-cally human. It is in this context that Steve rises to the surface. The greatest compliment I could give Steve, and he fully per-sonifi es it, is that he is a “ true human. ”

As a leader, Steve not only brings out the best in others as leaders but also brings out their humanity. The great danger lies in becoming a better leader without becoming a better person. Wherever possible, we need to redefi ne what leadership really is and is not. Great leadership should and must become insepara-ble from nobility, honor, and virtue and never again be mutually exclusive. Neither can leadership continue down the path of using — I ’ m sorry, recruiting — people to fulfi ll the leader ’ s vision. Far too many leadership conversations address people as com-modities to be distributed and discarded based on the leader ’ s own needs and desires. True leaders are as committed to helping those under their care fi nd their unique path and purpose as they are to fulfi lling their own. The basis of Steve ’ s philosophy is that people matter, that they are our greatest resource, and that real leadership requires relational intelligence.

In Wide Awake, I focus on eight characteristics of the per-son who continually lives out his or her greatest dreams. This person is identifi ed by both a description and a hero. I close the book with what I feel is the most critical attribute needed to live our most heroic lives. The chapter is titled “ Invest, ” and the hero is the Romantic. “ Invest ” offers an observation and an opportunity. The observation is that we can never

xii Foreword

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fulfi ll our greatest dreams without the goodwill and help of oth-ers. Simply put — we need people. The opportunity is to be that person for others. Again in simple terms — people need you. Relational Intelligence will elevate both your awareness and per-ceptivity in regard to both of these dynamics.

° ° °

This past year we have, as a team, been practicing the art of awareness. A lifetime of exploration has left me with the discovery that there is a language we humans speak that goes far beyond words. I have spent the last four decades listening to what people are really saying. The more carefully I listened and the more closely I paid attention, the more clearly I could hear what wasn ’ t being said. Language has become secondary to me; communication and understanding, primary. When I was younger, I would say I could see emotions the way others see furniture. Unfortunately, many leaders see the goals clearly, but are visually impaired when it comes to people. If you ’ re ready to leave behind antiquated models of leadership where results rule over relationship, and to join those who are convinced that the future is waiting within the untapped potential of the people they lead, then it ’ s time to increase your relational intelligence. You ’ re going to need it.

Create the future, Erwin Raphael McManus

Foreword xiii

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xv

Heroes to Acknowledge

The stories of our lives are fi lled with dreams; some come true, and some do not. When a dream does come true, you stand in awe, wondering how exactly it all happened. For me, the book you are holding is a dream come true, and without so many signifi cant people in my life this would never have become a reality.

In my journey through life, there are heroes who shaped who I ’ ve become and what I ’ ve accomplished. They are the characters in my story who invested in me, brought out my best, and sacrifi ced for reasons I don ’ t fully understand. But when God brings these people into your life, you treasure them, and hold them close to your heart because they are so rare. Some of these people have made immense contributions to this book, and for that I am forever grateful.

Cheri, you are without question the most remarkable hero in my life. More than anyone, you ’ ve made so many of my dreams become a reality — and this is certainly one of them. Writing this book (together) brought us new challenges, and through them the depth of who you are was once again displayed as the incredible person I know you to be. Willingly, you spent end-less hours sharpening my thoughts and ideas, and offering yours freely (they are usually much better than mine). I have never known anyone with such an abundance of relational wisdom and ability to clearly articulate insights. Every step of the way, you immersed yourself in this writing process with unmatched

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devotion, diligence, and loyalty to me. You gave so much, and I cannot express in words how grateful I am for your sacrifi ces, generosity, and patience. Your fi ngerprints are on every page of this book, and I hope you know how deeply grateful I am for your endless devotion to me through this process — it goes beyond what anyone will ever know.

To other heroes in my story: Sheryl Fullerton: Thank you for your relentless honesty,

fl exibility, and quality input. Your strengths helped improve my weaknesses and fi lled gaps that would still be in this book if not for you.

The whole crew at Jossey - Bass and Leadership Network: Thank you for risking greatly and believing in my message. I ’ m extremely honored to partner with you.

Erwin McManus: You are not only a great leader but also a dream catcher. You see possibilities in people and help them live out dreams they didn ’ t even know existed. You ’ ve shifted my paradigms and given me life - changing opportunities; your investment in me has been priceless. There are not enough words to express how thankful I am to you, and this book is a tribute of my gratitude.

Tina Jacobson: I ’ m deeply indebted to you because this book might not have happened without you. Thanks for representing me so well, and for going above and beyond. I benefi ted not only from all your years of experience but also from the kindness you showed me along the way.

Daniel Hill: Thank you for your persistent demand for clar-ity and focus, for your relational wisdom and input, and for the creative energy that emerged from our ongoing conversation through life. Your contributions were so meaningful to me, and I ’ m deeply grateful for them.

Gary Hill: Thanks for your energy , for shaping so much of my theological foundation, and for offering your insights on human relationships as God designed them to be.

xvi Heroes to Acknowledge

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David Haley, Michael Muniz, Scot Burbank, Jason Jaggard, Sueann Cho, and Hank Fortener: You went above and beyond to help make this book better chapter by chapter. Thanks for giving so freely and generously; your input mattered more than you know.

Joby Harris: For your creative ideas, for offering yourself so freely, and for your constant spirit of generosity.

Mom and Dad: Thank you for a lifetime of unconditional love, and for teaching me so much about relationships.

And last, words cannot capture my immense gratitude to God, the One who gives so fully and undeservingly. Writing has been an incredible privilege and an extraordinary act of grace that has fi lled my heart with joy and worship. Most of all: God, I pray this book honors You.

Heroes to Acknowledge xvii

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Relational Intelligence

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P A R T

1

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3

The Origins of Relational

Intelligence

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