david cross interview by nardwuar!

immaculate machinebaseball cards!

recipes collected bycarolyn mark!

novillero answerssome questions!

a carolyn mark tour story!

mint artists’ tour dates

plus lots more to read!

free! vol. 1

illustrations by tom bagley!

mint records inc.po box 3613, vancouver, bc canada v6b 3y6 www.mintrecs.com

in concert in canadawith destroyer and immaculate machine

september 22 sugar victoria

september 23 commodore ballroom vancouver

october 9 phoenix toronto

october 10 cabaret la tulipe montreal

full american tour dates at www.thenewpornographers.com

Twin CinemaElectric VersionMass Romantic

all on Matador Records outside of Canada!

www.thenewpornographers.com

“a giddy all-night conversation”

– Spin

www.immaculatemachine.com

ONES AND ZEROSRelease date: September 6! the Mint debut from

Victoria’s Immaculate Machine. On tour with the

New Pornographers and Destroyer, in September

and October. RIYL: Metric, The Magnetic Fields,

Architecture in Helsinki, Belle & Sebastian.

Carolyn Mark’s duets album!

Just Married: An Album of Duets

ww

w.n

ovill

ero.

net

“...SHOULD BE CRASHING OUT OF EVERY RADIO IN THE COUNTRY.” –GLOBE AND MAIL

Carolyn Mark with friendsLots of them. Including Luke

Doucet, Corb Lund, Ford Pier, Geoff Berner, Amy Honey, Clay

George, Carey Mercer from Frog Eyes and others.

Carolyn Mark on tour!Sept. 29 Old Ironsides, SacramentoSept. 30 12 Galaxies, San FranciscoOct. 1 Starry Plough, Berkeley

Carolyn Mark on tour!Sept. 29 Old Ironsides, SacramentoSept. 30 12 Galaxies, San FranciscoOct. 1 Starry Plough, Berkeley

These recipes and oodles morecan be found in Carolyn Mark’scookbook, ten bucks postpaid fromMint Records!

Recipes courtesy of Carolyn Mark!

www.zulurecords.com

Nardwuar the Human Serviette vs. David Cross! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4A Carolyn Mark tour diary! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .8Mint Records: new, priority, current, notable! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .12The Buttless Chaps! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .15Mint Records tour dates! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16Immaculate Machine baseball cards! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17Novillero answers some questions! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .19P:ano and Duplex! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .20The Organ at Club NME, Birmingham, England . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21Recipes courtesy of Carolyn Mark! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22

CONTENTS

Mint Records Inc. is a small indie record label based out of Vancouver, Canada. Since 1991, we’ve put our more than 85 releases by such bands as The New Pornographers, Neko Case,

The Organ, The Evaporators, The Smugglers, Carolyn Mark, Immaculate Machine, Novillero, P:ano, Duplex!,young and sexy, I Am Spoonbender, the Corn Sisters, the Buttless Chaps, Huevos Rancheros, cub, and others!

Mint Records releases are distributed by NAIL Distribution in the USA www.naildistribution.comand in Canada by Outside Music www.outside-music.com and Scratch Distribution www.scratchrecords.com

Also, be sure to check out iTunes Music Store where more and more Mint titles are being added!

We acknowledge the financial support of Canada's private radio broadcasters as well as the Government of Canada through the Canada Music Fund for this project. Printed in Canada.

Illustrations by Tom Bagley

Mint Records Inc.PO Box 3613Vancouver, BC Canada V6B 3Y6 www.mintrecs.com

Mint’s Radio and Publicity Queen Yvette Ray:mintyvette@aol.comphone 416-535-9123

www.naildistribution.com

Mint Records’ US distribution byMint Records distributedin Canada by

Distribution

© Mint Records Inc. 2005

[FYI: Before the interview actually beginsNardwuar is attempting to "check" his mic]NARDWUAR: Who are you?DAVID CROSS: Chk Chk Chk. Nardwuar: Who are you?The lead singer of Chk Chk Chk. Who are you?I'm from the Czech Republic.You are David—Cross. Man.David Cross, are you really David Cross?Crossman.Are you really David Crossman?Yes I am. I can prove it.How can you prove it?I can't really go into that here. For security purpos-es. National security purposes. Not Canadiannational security. Puerto Rican national security.And that is a consignment piece of property thatAmerica owns, the United States of America,where I'm from. I'm glad you said David Crossman, because isn'tthere a guy, David Cross, who was in the bandKing Crimson, a violinist? Yeah, not only violinist, he played the viola and thepiccolo and the theremin. Multi-talented.Ah, not really, he wasn't very good at any of 'em.So he was multi, but the talent part, not so much. What's interesting about you, David Cross, is—That is true. There is King Crimson, but there's also Hee-Haw. What is David Cross' connection to Hee-Haw?I have no idea. But I mean, well, unless you're—You think King Crimson, David Cross. You lovethe indie rock and you're liking King Crimson,which there are many King Crimson elements inindie rock these days, especially like Mars Volta,eh? Ha ha!Ah, there's two. Yeah, there's two elements.But then there's also Hee-Haw. And I will sayyour connection to Hee-Haw is from one of yourmanagers in the past, Bernie Brillstein. Oh, yeah! Very good. Man, you do some thorough,in-depth, unnecessary research. Can you tell me about Hee-Haw and TheMuppets? Your connection to Hee-Haw and TheMuppets?Yeah, well, it's very tenuous. I mean, I know theguy, I've been in the same room with the guy who,I don't know what he did with Hee-Haw, but Iknow he was a producer of The Muppets. But Idon't know what he did with Hee-Haw. Did he pro-duce that?Yes. It was his idea. Oh, really.It was your manager, Bernie Brillstein. Was heyour manager at one time?He was not my manager, he was Bob Odenkirk's,who was an often partner of mine, lover, whatever.

And he was his manager, so invariablymy manager, his manager. And Bob and Iwould go on picnics and then we'd dis-

cuss things.Hee-Haw plus King Crimson equals...Brillstein.Equals David Cross!Oh, OK, equals David Cross. Yeah, that's it. Ispaced that one. That was a no-brainer.David, how did you get in trouble with a bananain Celebrity Poker?Well, I don't know if I really got in trouble. I had abanana in Celebrity Poker. I got a banana and thenI started playing well and then I said it was mygood luck banana. Then they brought out a platterof bananas and then I took three, my threefavourite bananas and I whipped them at a produc-er's head and they were soft. They were obviouslystale, you could see the bruised spots on 'em, andinstead of just sorta bouncing off, it splattered, itscratched the guy's cornea and he ended up goingto the hospital. This is in Las Vegas, Nevada andhe ended up going to the hospital. And I refused topay the medical bill. Am I boring you?No, no. I was just moving over.Why? I felt a bit awkward, like we're standing here ongrass and it felt like the earth was tilting as youwere telling that story.Well, it was, but not so that you'd notice it, unlessyou’re special. Well, I'm basically like the "human serviette",Nardwuar The Human Serviette and the "humanmic stand" as well.You know, I first heard of you back in '92 or '93when I moved to Los Angeles from Boston. Wereyou doing stuff back then?Yes.There was a tape of you that I probably still have, aVHS tape, shows you how old it is, that a friend ofmine who was a writer who I met on the BenStiller Show — which is why I moved down to LosAngeles from Boston — showed me. Gave me. Thank you very much for taking the time toremember that and speaking to me here today,David…Crossman.David Crossman. Back to the celebrity poker,though. What is a celebrity?[David imiitates Nardwuar’s voice] "Let's go backto the celebrity poker to find out what is a celebri-ty. " A celebrity is somebody who is celebrated fortheir fabulousness. Sometimes they're appealing,they're attractive. Sometimes they exude the per-sona that they would have sex with you when theywouldn't. But still they exude it and they makethemselves, offer themselves, to the public. Thensometimes a celebrity is someone who delights usand tickles our fancy.David, you're a kind individual. You posed forPETA.It's true. You're just making statements and thenthrowing the mic at me. It sounds like you're ask-ing a question that I'm supposed to respond to.But you're just making a statement.Well actually, I was leading on, David Cross.You posed for PETA. But you didn't just pose for

PETA any little way, did you pose for PETA? No, no, no. I "naked-ed" it up.That's what I was hoping you would say.Okay, well I did! Thank you very much! You were totally nakedand you were wrapped in tape.No, I wasn't wrapped in tape. What are you talkingabout?There was some tape over your private parts. Oh, you couldn't even see that. What are you talk-ing about? I posed so it was like, I looked around.I mean, when I shot the thing, cuz, you know,there were a bunch of people there and I didn'twant my cock hanging out. So I had a little what-ever you call it, I got one of those dance beltthings and I cut a patch out, which is what I do allthe time when I do nude scenes. I did doublestick-it which hurts eventually when you're takingit off. It makes for a much more naked-lookingperson.Which is exactly what I wanted to ask aboutbecause I understand you took the tape and put iton eBay, or PETA put it on eBay. How much didthat tape go for? Man, if that's true, I'm disgusted and delighted atthe same time. I can only guess it would havegone for about… I'm huge in Saudi Arabia, so if aSaudi prince or a sheik bought it then God, itcould be upwards of a million bucks, which is likepennies to them.What was on that tape? Was there pubic hair onthe tape?Or pubic hair, yeah. How much was stuck there? At first when Ithought you were posing for PETA you'd have allyour skin removed. All your hair removed com-pletely.Yeah, usually I wax up when I go to the JerseyShore. You know, I'll wax up when I'm going witha bunch of guys and we do a bunch ofAbercrombie & Fitch catalogues. I'll shave and waxand get my nipples rouged. But this was in thewinter time when I did it so I was a little hairier. Sothis wasn't just skin, it was a lot of hair. And as faras how much pubic hair was on the tape, I'd sayabout a kilo. You're not 100 per cent sure of what it sold for?Or you didn't even know it was on eBay?No, no I didn't.David Cross, you are though, on a very importantTV show — Arrested…De-menacement.Yes! Arrested De... And your wife on the show isPortia …Yes, Portia De Rossi. Her real name. That's herreal name.And in real life, her wife is… Ugh … Now, as of the moment it's Ellen… I justknow her as simply "Ellen." What I was curious about is Portia someone whoyou analyze when she eats? Does she only stilleat meat standing up?Yeah, well, she only eats horse meat standing up.The regular-like steak or the venison, or rabbit or

Canadian guerilla media assassin and lead singer of the Evaporators, Nardwuar

the Human Serviette talks to Arrested Development and Mr. Show star and recent

New Pornographers “Use It” music video actor, Mr. David Cross!

4

Club NMEThe Medicine BarBirmingham, EnglandAugust 2, 2005

photos by Steve Gerrardwww.rock-photo.com

Club NMEThe Medicine BarBirmingham, EnglandAugust 2, 2005

photos by Steve Gerrardwww.rock-photo.com

21

hunterslea , she'll eat sitting down. But when sheeats horse meat, which she eats a lot, she'll standup.Is this unusual?For me it's unusual. She's Australian so it mightbe something they do Down Under. But, for me it'sunusual. I thought it was unusual. But I don'tknow global customs.David Cross, do you travel on airplanes verymuch?Constantly. How do you sleep when you're on an airplane? [Bending head] Usually, kind of like this. Or,depending on which section I'm on, like this. Do you use any sleeping aids at all? Like any-thing to cover you face? I understand that onetime you used an S&M mask to fall asleep with.I use several sleep aids. I just, all the same. I haveAIDS so it helps. You weaken. Your T-Cell count isdown to zero , so it makes you very weak. Justgetting, stowing your thing above… your back-pack, and just getting on and going through thatline is exhausting, which is one of the good thingsabout AIDS. You're able to fall asleep very quickly.How about the S&M mask? Did you get in trou-ble for wearing an S&M mask on an airplane? I didn't get in trouble but… how did you knowthat? This was just recently. I literally, this was likea month ago. I was in Seattle doing a show withsome friends and we passed by an adult book-store. They had a bunch of different stuff and Iwas like, "Oh, they have S&M masks." So I got the,not an S&M mask, but you know the Gimp in PulpFiction? He has that leather thing. So it's just thewhole mask with the zipper here. And it was com-pletely black and I said, "Oh, I'll get this and put iton while I'm on the plane and if anyone gives meany shit I'll be like, 'What? I thought it was a sleepmask.'" [laughs]So I did that but everyone startedcracking up. Because I did it when nobody couldsee it and then let them see it. And by then thejoke was over. I didn't get in trouble. I'd hoped I'dget a "talking to" but it didn't happen. Buthow'd you find that out? It wasn't on your DVD. You're right. It wasn't on my DVD. It wasn't on your DVD but anothersleeping incident was on your DVD,David Cross. Nardwuar, are you going to answer myquestion? How'd you find out aboutthat? I'm just curious because it wasso innocuous and barely anybodyknew about it. I mean, obviously, myfriends on the plane but outside ofthat I maybe told a handful of peo-ple.David Cross, there is an interna-tional fan network following youeverywhere, taping your everymove.[laughs] So you're saying thatsomebody on the plane whosaw it and then wrote about it?Once you star in like ArrestedDevelopment, once you'vedone Mr. Show, once you'veseen Pansy Division play,you're a marked man.OK, I'll agree with that. David Cross you're here in Vancouver, BritishColumbia, Canada doing some...That is an absolute lie! Well, we know you're in Vancouver, BritishColumbia, Canada because, well, how do we notknow you're not in Vancouver, British Columbia,Canada? Check it out. I didn't bring this [Canadian BottledWater] from the States. That'd be stupid. [laughs]You are David…

Crossman. David Crossman, on your most recent DVD youvisited Vancouver.I did! I played Richard's On Richards.A.K.A.Dicks On Dicks. And you have a little dick story about that on theDVD when you went home with a Vancouverlady.No I didn't. Yeah, you talk about apologizing for sleepingwith a Vancouver girl on the DVD.What?Yes, there's a girl that's all over you on the DVDand there's some allusion to her afterwards onthe DVD, you're talking about that. So I was justwondering, are you like Bon Jovi who namedtheir album Slippery When Wet after the strip-pers in Vancouver? Are you down with theVancouver ladies, David Cross?Wait a second. We've been having a lot of funhere, a lot of jokes, but I did not sleep with any-body from Vancouver. You've got to be mistaken.Or maybe you're piecing two things together thatweren't… maybe chronologically they follow eachother but they're not… I swear to God I didn't…OK, extrapolate, perhaps, what I might be allud-ing to if I'm not alluding to that exactly. Theremust be some half truth to that because youhaven't completely shot this down, David Cross. You must be talking about when I was in the vanand I was talking about a girl. That was a girl inAustin, Texas and that was from 1999 or 2000, orsomething, that story. If I'm remembering correct-ly. I don't remember. I'm telling you I didn’t. OK, that might have been it. Because I doremember it was in a van and I'm sorry, I mighthave misconstrued it.That has nothing to do with Vancouver.Well, you were telling the story in Vancouver. That could be true.Yes! So there is a Canadian connection there!

[Laughs) There is a Canadian there … Youdid it! You found it!

You’re like a scien-tist!David Cross, you're here in Vancouver, BritishColumbia, Canada, you've traveled lots on air-planes wearing S&M masks. You also playedPunk... …abilly.Punk Voter. And one of the gentlemen whoopened up for you was Jello Biafra of The DeadKennedys. What was it like having Jello Biafra of

The Dead Kennedys open up and do spoken wordfor you, David Cross?Well, it wasn't so much that he was opening up forme. We were all part of the same bill and he hap-pened to go before me and introduced me. I was ahuge fan of him when I was a kid. I actually wentand saw him in 1984 or '85, something like that. Isaw him do spoken word at Brandeis Universityand it was really funny but it was the first time Igot an inkling of how kind of long-winded and howkind of a blow-hard he might be. When he did thatshow — again, I'm a big fan and he was an impor-tant figure in my life — but he would not shut up.It was getting bad. They actually had to go out andtug him a couple of times. He would look and go,"Yeah! Hang on!" And he just kept on going. He'snot funny, he's very dogmatic and strident andthere's no real levity or connection, so it was a bitof a bummer.How did the audience take to him? How didDavid Cross' audience take to Jello Biafrabecause he might have been going on and on,but how was the audience enjoying it?Again, it wasn't just my audience. There were…The Punk Voter. There were a number of bands on the bill, I thinkabout five bands, and Jello was hosting. I thinkthey were ready for him to get off. He deservesrespect and got accorded respect until it was like,"OK, we get it. Thanks. Let's go. Let's move on.There's a lot more show."So he just needed to trim the act a tiny bit? Didyou see places where he could have trimmed itor was there no way to end the story? If you'retelling a story about 9/11 it's pretty hard to cut ithalfway through, right?It's called editing. You edit within. You find outwhat is necessary, what's not necessary. You findout what's extraneous, get rid of the extraneouspart. I teach a workshop at the Learning Annex, it'sa 10 week course. Weeks three through seven,except for week six. It's three, four, five and youtake one week off and we do other stuff and thenback to editing.David Cross, I interviewed Elijah Wood a few

years ago about punkers inHollywood. I'm not so sure about that. I asked him, "Elijah, are thereany punkers in Hollywood?" andhe said, "Have you ever heard ofDavid…""Chrisman?"David Crossman! And I said, "Yes, Ihave! From Mr. Show." And hesaid, "You should interview DavidCross." Elijah Wood told me I shouldinterview David Cross. Have you metElijah Wood and are you and ElijahWood the only punkers in Hollywood?We have our own club. We actually havea tree house up in the hills and it's justme and him and we are the only ones.The name of our club, our secret society,is PunkersinHollywood.com backslash. Iactually met Elijah here in Vancouver. I washere working on a movie that was neverreleased, actually, it was released in Sweden,for some reason. We became friends andthat was, to date, the best experience I'veever had working on any movie or show. Itwas really fun. I was up here for about three

and a half months.I just thought it was great, Elijah Wood, DavidCross, punkers in Hollywood. And then I wasreading a few other mags and I found out thereare some other punkers in Hollywood, like FredArmisen from Saturday Night Live. Inever realized he was the drummer forTrenchmouth. 5

P:ano at the Vancouver Public Library

(left to right) Nick Krgovich, Julia Chirka, Larissa Loyva, Justin Kellam

RADIO SHOW!

FRIDAYS 3:30-5:00PM PACIFIC TIMECiTR 101.9 fM www.citr.ca

www.nardwuar.com

Yeah, that's true. But he's not part of our club.It's just Elijah and I. If you want to get in the treehouse we have to do certain things to you. Wehave to haze you and there's a Hell Week youhave to go through. Nobody's willing to do it.There's nobody else? Come on! Fred Armisenshould be allowed in there. You've done come-dy with him, can't he be in the punker treehouse?Nope, nope, nope.David Cross, you have thrown out many allu-sions to punk rock and rock 'n' roll over yourcareer. I'm not so sure about that. On Mr. Show, you had a character called Dr.Shattuck. Was that not a reference to KimShattuck of the band The Muffs? Very good. Yeah, that was. In fact, everybody inthat sketch, there was Dr. Ballance, who's LauraBallance from Superchunk, there was KimShattuck from The Muffs and there was anotherfemale musician I can't remember.And you also had a skit called Smoosh, I think,all about Radiohead! No, no, no. It wasn't Radiohead, that was Oasis.Sorry!It was something about Oasis doing… In your face! [laughs]I tried! No [laughs] , it was based on Oasis.An Oasis interview, right?Yeah. Well, an amalgamation of all of them. It wasBob's idea. Bob Odenkirk has a secret schoolgirlcrush on Oasis. He’s absolutely enamoured withthem. I mean, they're a good band but he's readall the pulp bios and stuff. I'm not making this up.He loves Oasis and loves their antics. He's justtickled by them and he's the one that came upwith idea for that sketch. And it was really prettymuch Oasis.David Cross, another connection, WickedScepter. Was that inspired by gay rockers,Pansy Division?No, it wasn't. My friend Mark Rivers and whowrote the theme to Mr. Show show and appearsin season four as Information Jimmy. He and Iwere driving across the country, from Boston toL.A., and it was right after the Pamela-TommyLee tape had come out. We were just riffing in thecar and I'm pretty sure it was his idea, we werejust riffing on it. We were talking about it being atape of him and the other guys in the band, butthey didn't understand why people thought theywere gay and he was just having a good time,partying. So we took that idea and made it into awhole thing.David Cross, you also did the Underground TapeRailroad. Was that inspired by MetallicaDrummer, the legendary videotape?No, it was inspired by all those tapes that werefloating around, that have been floating around,since the '80s. I had that Bud Dwyer tape in '84-'85.David Cross, you're from Atlanta, Georgia.There's a wrestler based in Atlanta, Georgiacalled Abdullah The Butcher. Do you knowAbdullah The Butcher at all?Yeah! He's got a BBQ place right by the airport.I'm not kidding! That is a real thing! You thinkI'm joking? Yeah, you better not! He does have aBBQ place…An all-beef BBQ place, right?There's mostly pork, not beef. Some chicken. Butin the South it tends to be mostly pork, unlessyou're in Kentucky when it's mutton or lamb. Andthen in Texas, that's where the beef is.And Jake "The Snake" Roberts is anotherwrestler. He's from Atlanta too, isn't he?Could be.He's from Stone Mountain, Georgia. What's the

deal on Stone Mountain Georgia?Have you been there?It's like the confederate Mount Rushmore,right?Yeah, that's what they call it. It's, I believe, thelargest rock outcropping of a massive rock onthis planet. It's like the size of two Stanley Parks(park in Vancouver), even bigger than that. It'sthis huge thing that some fucking asshole wentand carved a thing of Robert E. Lee and someconfederate soldiers. A lot of the Klan was basedthere up to about 20 years ago. There was aheavy Klan, obviously more so in the '50s andprior to that, but now it's a suburban town. Andthey have a laser light show that makes it looklike they're galloping. It's kinda cool but also silly. It's heard it’s like laser Zeppelin, you go back atnight and hear Zeppelin.Yeah. It’s true. It looks like they animate the hors-es as they ride to nothing. Nothing ever appears.Unless they start carving a battle scene it's justthe horses sort of moving to, I guess, defeat?David Cross, you're here in Vancouver, BritishColumbia, Canada, supposedly. However,you're not at the location of one of yourfavourite movies ever, Cotton Candy. What canyou tell the people about Cotton Candy?That was a movie about some group of earnestkids who want to enter a rock 'n' roll competitionat the mall. To the best of my knowledge, it's oneof the first films that incorporates all the elementsof pop culture that were kind of new then but noware just completely ubiquitous in our own con-sciousness that we don't even think of them.Rock 'n' roll, tube tops, roller skates, garagebands, malls and Clint Howard.Directed by Ron Howard, too, right?Was it? I don't know. Is that true? I think it was the first TV thing that Ron Howardever directed. No kidding. Thank God for the computer.How else would Clint Howard get in it?Well, that's true. Internet. Well he was in GentleBen, though. Remember?He was also in a couple of episodes of StarTrek.Oh yeah! He was the kid in Star Trek. Yeah, that'sright. That was a big dealDavid Cross, who sells more CDs, you orMargaret Cho?Well, I don’t know. I assume Margaret. But Iknow that together we sell more than The Beatlescombined.David Cross, although I didn’t join the InternetMovie Database, I saw a message board foryou. And one of the postings on there was, pos-sibly the worst thing that any comedian canhave said to them. And you know what that is?Yeah, I'm not funny?No. "Carrot Top is better."Well then, it's not such a bad thing. Like if thatperson thinks Carrot Top's better — of coursethey're being sarcastic, probably — it's theiradorable way of saying they don't think I'm veryfunny. Which is fine.But if they think that Carrot Top is better, thatmeans they think Carrot Top is at least good. Sothat means you're not as good as Carrot Top,but maybe you are good. So it's better than say-ing you're not funny.That's kind of a desperate logic, but I'll cling to it. Have you been to Freaknik, in Atlanta?No, I want to go. I kinda want to go and see whatthat's all about.Can you explain a bit about Freaknik in Atlanta,David Cross?Freaknik is where the black college students,mostly up and down the eastern seaboard, pre-dominately in the south, now it's getting biggerand bigger, that's their Spring break. They’ve

done it in Virginia Beach I believe, but it's pre-dominately in Atlanta which has a large blackpopulation. But it's funny because the white storeowners really freak out, which is a good reason tocall it Freaknik. Another application of the word"freak." They get all scared and they actually shutdown their businesses and board it up as if it's ahurricane, as if this wave of black young humani-ty is as destructive as a hurricane or tsunami. Cuzthere's, like, fucking in the streets.David Cross, one of my favourite comedians isNeil Hamburger. You've worked with NeilHamburger, haven't you?I've done some open mics or showcase nightsthat he's done, yeah.One of my greatest moments watching him wasseeing him on Jimmy Kimmel Live with YokoOno. It was like Yoko Ono and Neil Hamburger.Have you ever had any moments like that,David Cross? Like, David Cross and Yoko Onoor similar-type people?Yeah, I was actually just rummaging throughsome old notes and last year at the Golden GlobeAwards, I peed in between Kiefer Sutherland andQuentin Tarantino. I thought that's something.Between a Canadian and an American!That's exactly what I was thinking, yeah.And lastly here, we've talked about connectionsto King Crimson, to Hee-Haw. You have a con-nection to, amazingly, Sponge Bob!Yep. Voiced by Tom Kenney of Mr. Show fame.Has Tom ever prank-called you? I know I'veprank-called you many times, thank you againfor agreeing to this interview.Tom has not. I wish he would. We've really lostthat part of our relationship, I think, since hebecame so famous to kids, to children.David Cross, 4:20 p.m. What's good about 4:20p.m., David Cross?Oh, that's when idiots like to get high.Why is that? How did you determine that?Have I determined that that's why they like to gethigh?Oh, and that it's 4:20.Well, there's a number of theories about the 4:20thing. I don't know what they are, I don't sub-scribe to them. I think one of them's about, likeit's the best time because , like somebody timedit out or something, and then you'd be sitting intraffic and… I don't know what it is. I don't care.But 4:20, yeah.Well, thanks so much for your time, DavidCross. Anything else you want to add to thepeople out there at all?I appreciate your fine country. I hope to buy someland and put a Wal-Mart, or something similar, onit.David Cross, why should people care aboutDavid Cross?They shouldn't. And lastly, David Cross, is it true you once gotpoison ivy on your cock?[laughs] Wow. How did you — all right, when thecamera's off I'll find out this stuff. Well, not somuch my cock, but all over my back and my feet.I laid down and it was a hot Georgia night and myfriend was scooping on this girl and I had to walkaround, this was back in high school, and killsome time cuz I didn't want to interrupt them so Iwas just wandering around. I just had shorts onand my shirt was off, I laid down and kinda fellasleep in some poison ivy. It was all over me.Well, thanks so much David Cross, keep onrocking in the free world and doot doola dootdoo...[sings] Heeh-heh.

To hear this interview, check out http://www.nardwuar.comor Chart Magazine!

A song by someone else you wish you had written:Sean Stevens: Levi Stubb's Tears – Billy BraggRod Slaughter: Famous Blue Raincoat – Leonard CohenGrant Johnson: Pretty much anything the Beatles wrote. I'd berolling in it. Bastards. Or Pet Sounds-era Brian Wilson.David Berthiaume: "Trigger Cut" by PavementJack Jonasson: "Condoleeza" by Against Me!

Favourite food / drink / kitchen utensil:SS: East Indian / Vietnamese coffee / cheese graterRS: popcorn / Cincano and Soda (or Blue) / bottle openerGJ: Sushi / Martinis / Martini shakerDB: Meat Rings / Pousse Cafe / the World`s Smallest JuicerJJ: Pad Thai / Fort Garry Dark Ale / turkey baster

Overnight driving album:SS: Deep Purple – Machine HeadRS: Primal Scream XTRMNTR (1:00 am to 4:45 am) and Galaxie500 Today (4:46 am to 7:00 am)GJ: Beck – Odelay. That’s a great one!DB: Roxy Music – The Early YearsJJ: "Less Talk, More Rock" by Propagandhi

Favourite band name:SS: Guided by VoicesRS: ?GJ: The Shitty Beatles. Still can't beat that.DB: Dinosaur Jr.JJ: I'm gonna have to agree with Grant on this one - The ShittyBeatles.

Favourite childhood toy/game:SS: Space Lego/OperationRS: tie – Dungeons and Dragons or SlinkyGJ: Hockey. Seriously.DB: Pole Position – the arcade game, not what you`re thinkingJJ: The chemistry set my parents bought me for my 8th birthday.

Favourite way to say goodbyeSS: "Be seeing you!"RS: the wind never says goodbyeGJ: RUN!!DB: the fake "gun hand", a tongue cluck and a winkJJ: "I'm sorry – was that last comment in poor taste?"

Best injury (to oneself):SS: My first time and only time roller blading. I somehow endedup going down a rather large hill (in Trois-Rivieres), and endedup sliding down the pavement. I removed a fair amount of skinon my right calf in the process. Luckily there was only about 150people watching.RS: Passing out in bathroom and splitting head open on toiletseat. Coming to 10 minutes later in pool of blood, sticking wad oftoilet paper on what feels to be the origin of heaviest bleedingand going back to bed. Getting up next morning, going to work,and witnessing look of horror from boss. Being sent to doctor forstitches, who say "Why the hell didn't you go to the hospitalimmediately?!". Wearing a scar to this day that in certain lightgives the impression of a uni-brow.GJ: Broken finger in my right hand punching my then best friendin the head. DB: A blistering sunburn. After taking a bath, it got crazy itchy forabout two hours. I was in tears and swearing at my mother. Itwas the most excruciating physical pain of my life and I wouldn`twish it on anyone.JJ: When I was 6 I tried to ride my bike to the store with 8 or sopop bottles in my arms so I could get some Garbage Pail Kidsstickers. Needless to say, trying to steer a bike with arms full ofglass objects was not the smartest move – I hit a rock and tum-bled to the pavement, landing on the pop bottles, requiring anumber of stitches to sew up a nasty gash on my hand. Commonsense was not my strong suit back then (nor is it now).

If I wasn't playing music I'd be...SS: Teaching English in Taipei or Korea or Japan. And wishing Iwas playing music.RS: Watching a lot of old moviesGJ: Carrying stuff and drivingDB: RicherJJ: A nurse. Or being looked after by one.

What they do in Novillero:SS: guitarRS: keyboards, vocalsGJ: bass, vocalsDB: drums, vocalsJJ: manager

19

www.novillero.net

left to rightRod SlaughterSean Stevens

David BerthiaumeGrant Johnson

ANSWERS SOME QUESTIONS...

SET TIMES & BAND ORDER SUBJECT TO CHANGE. FOR MOST UP-TO-DATE INFO,

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The Buttless ChapsFri 18, Railway Club, VancouverBC*Sat 19, 50/50 Arts Space,Victoria BC*Sun 20, the Gumboot, RobertsCreek BC*Tue 22, Grand Forks Art Gallery,Grand Forks BC*Wed 23, Tongue and Groove,Lethbridge AB*Thu 24, Broken City, Calgary AB*Fri 25, The Sidetrack, EdmontonAB*Sat 26, Amigo's, Saskatoon SK*Sun 27, Weeds, Calgary AB, allages*Mon 28, Arts Station, Fernie BC*Tue 29, venue tba, Kelowna BC*Wed 30, Rime, Vancouver BC** with Great Aunt Idawww.thebuttlesschaps.com

ALSO OUT ON MINT RECORDSTHE SMUGGLERS – Mutiny in Stereo

on Lookout! outside of Canada

CAROLYN MARKThe Pros and Cons of Collaboration

PANSY DIVISION/SKINJOBS – split 7”

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mspoonbender.com

We made it to Toronto last night. I askedRigby and Tolan to make sure I got to bed

at a decent hour but can see now in the clearlight of morning that they may have been thelast people on earth I should have asked to per-form handler duties...

It made me really miss my friend Shawna whoturned out to be a great handler last weekend atthe Edmonton Folk Fest offering such thought-ful and timely suggestions as "Aren't you goingto be wanting your guitar?" every time we leftgood old room 815 at The Airport Ramada.

I got midnight drunk and tried to get MarthaWainwright to hula hoop with me side stageduring Mavis Staples but she declined. I dis-tinctly remember her unclasping her wrist frommy fingers. The next morning there werereports of Our Martha missing the morningworkshop due to "guitar technicalities." Hmm.Strange.

I emceed on the Friday night and was told bySteve Earle's people that the man required nointroduction. I said I knew all about that fromNOT introducing him last year in Calgary. Soafter the 70 year old French Canadian fiddlerfinished I went backstage to get my purse anda hula hoop or something and Steve's roadmanager leans down from the stage and shouts"There's no work for you here!" and points tothe tent exit. I felt like a matchgirlwhoreclown.(I was in the red polka dot dress). I swear Icould feel a big red nose appearing on face andmy shoes lengthening as I moped out of thetent and spent the rest of the night in a moodtrying to think of all the scathing comebacks Icould have laid on his yankee ass: "I was get-ting my purse asshole!" or "Well I could showyou a little contract here that would prove thatthere is indeed Work For Me Here, Mister!"

Ooh. I was so mad. Does he think that I wasborn with a burning desire to introduce peopleanyway? Or that after my juggling act I'd try tostuff My Demo down Steve's modern Levi'swhile begging to be taken on tour. Jesus dar-ling, I'd rather be singing, and if I was like that,I'd go to The Source and stalk Prine. He seemslike way more fun.

I guess the part that struck a nerve was realiz-ing that I am just another clown wanting to betaken seriously.

Well, to continue on the petulant asshole front,Ryan Adams took the stage wearing the hugestsunglasses and hiding behind his moppy hair.He played about twenty minutes of distortionwith his band (chick bass player) and aftersome cryptic banter about morphine andorange peels, he announced "This one's aboutfucking a whore!" to the Saturday-evening-sun-set-families-on-tarps crowd and their little facesjust fell. It was funny for like a second becausehe was probably thinking "I'm in fuckingCanada. Who cares?" whilst everyone there wasadjusting their monacles and thinking "This isthe Edmonton Folk Festival! Show somerespect lad!"

A funny person could have gottenaway with it but I don't think Ryan

Adams is a funny person. He was so mean itjust made everyone there feel terrible and Ithought of all the people I knew back homewho were dying to see him and all the goodtimes we've had listening to his records. Youshouldn't be so careless with peoples' love. Icould almost hear Leeroy Stagger's heartbreaking when I told him the story.

Apparently at his Vancouver show after a tenminute diatribe about the non-smoking laws helaid into the lady bass player for like ten min-utes until she got on the mike and said"Apparently I'm going to go fuck myself rightnow." Could he be working some kind ofAmerican Performance art angle? Entertain inorder to destruct? I think not. Why would yougo out of your way to make the people whocame to see you feel so uncomfortable? Maybethe man just hates himself. But which camefirst?

John Prine and Alejandro Escovedo were thererepresenting the overbite contingent. Alejandrolooked like a sexy praying mantis and waswearing rust suede pants and an infant.Hilarious side note: I saw him in the beer tentand suddenly remembered playing like threebenefits for the man's ailing liver and thoughthe was wearing some sort of organ compressor hot water bottle until I laid my theory onMark Davis of Old Reliable who looked overand said "Um.... That's a baby." Silly me.

Shawna and I mostly hung out with TheWeakerthan boys and Tom from Old Reliable —all the sweet spindly poets. It's like you wannaoffer to carry their books.

My friend Luann has taken up jogging, smokingand tanning to replace The Drinking whileSuzanne has blossomed into full blown methwhore looking just like one of those twitchyVancouver ladies. She took me into the bath-room and lifted up her tiny dress to reveal bikershorts underneath saying "I've got my (slap!)ASS COVERED!" She speaks only in metaphorsand paranoia now. Her best line came out whenshe was telling me that crack dealers had poi-soned three of her cats. I was wary becausecrack dealers don't seem to be that motivated,unless of course they're trying to find morecrack, and Cuckoo the Siamese was like a hun-dred when I first met Suzanne. Apparently thereplacement kitty was named Friday by herdaughter and so the moment Suzanne turnedto me and said "I spent thousands of dollarskeeping Friday alive!" shall be forever etched inmy mind.

I bet you did honey. I bet you did.

It feels like my mission is to keep the carbetween those two ditches — betweenSuzanne and Luann — constantly monitoringthe gauge to make sure the needle isn't pinnedto the red on either side. Mavis Staples was allfucked up on old age and has no high end leftand kind of sounds like Bill Cosby, but shelooks fantastic. Plus what else is she gonnado? Everyone factors in their own mortalitywhen reviewing her. "I thought it was prettygood," they say nervously, hoping that people

will cut them this much slack when they get oldand still want to rock.

While Mavis unveiled her her new song "God isNot Sleeping!" a huge fork of lightening lit upthe night sky which was pretty impressiveproving there's life in the old girl yet.

Unlike the Dawson City or Calgary festivals,they didn't keep me very busy — one work-shop and one night of emceeing. ("There's nowork for you here!") And it's a huge festival.It's the Big One. Like ten thousand people andsixty acts. They basically paid me to partywhich I guess to some would be living thedream but us farm girls know that drinks tasteso much better after chores so I went into totown and played Saturday afternoon at theBlack Dog with John Guliak and Phil fromVermont on guitar who totally rules and had ablast and played for three hours to twelve peo-ple drinking pilsner thinking "Yesss, back tonormal."

So now I'm here in T- dot trying to be good.The men are 'round the pub talking about gearand slurring. I just had a beverage called TheLiver Flush from some yuppie purveyor ofgreens health chain outlet and oh boy. Maybe itwas too sudden. Sweating, gut ache. burpingginger. Shouldn't have messed with the formulathis late in the game. It's all about the mainte-nance now.

Ah, I'm sure it'll wear off by morning.

Twangfest was pretty nice except they used theold 'legs in the air' photo for the poster andPhotoshopped in a jaunty blue line drawn cow-boy hat. Yeesh. And it was everywhere. Like Imean on buses and billboards and television! ASex in the City moment but without the sex.And, you know, country.

September 1.

Damn. And I was hoping for an Indian Summer.(First Nations summer now is it?) I'm in thekitchen bright and early still on Ontario time Iguess cuddled up to a cup of coffee and shiver-ing in my Indian sweater (Indigenous sweater?Who knows?) All I know is that if I'm still threehours ahead maybe it would be technically okayto allow myself a cigarette this disgustinglyearly.... Just this once I swear. I'll hold off for abit to savour the exquisite torture of desiredenied.... Ah, who am I kidding? Hello, lighter.Hello, Benson. Good Morning, Hedges. Oh Icould never stay mad at you guys. Take my firstborn (Please!) and my last breath. Do what youwill with me you devils but mess with the faceand the deal's off, got it? This morning'saddress apparently is to serve a two-fold pur-pose. Randy, my editor, who moonlights as thehead of Mint Records has asked me to pen alittle something for a 'zine' he intends to dis-tribute 'round New York during the prestigiousCMJ festival this fall. I shan't be attending thisyear as it is an honour I dream not of. Well,that and since us musician types are so famousfor our ambition and foresight, I shall at thattime be releasing my duets album at a hall inVancouver.

A Carolyn Mark Touir Diary!AUGUST — TEARS BEHIND THE VELVET

HELLO NEW YORK! The Continuing Adventures of a Boozy Chanteuse. August 2005.

Carolyn MarkSat Sep 17, Cambrian Hall,Vancouver BCThu Sep 29, Old Ironsides,Sacramento CA (with VictoriaWilliams and The BermudaTriangle Service)Fri Sep 30, 12 Galaxies, SanFrancisco CA (with VictoriaWilliams and The BermudaTriangle Service)Sat Oct 1, The Starry Plough,Berkeley CA (with VictoriaWilliams and The BermudaTriangle Service)

Carolyn Mark’s WesternHootenanny RevueCarolyn with Jenny Whiteley,Luther Wright, Hank Pine & LilyFawn, Shuyler Jansen, and manymore!Wed Oct 12, Twin Butte eneral Store, Twin Butte, ABThu Oct 13, The Ironwood,Calgary, ABFri Oct 14, The Tongue andGroove, Lethbridge, ABSat Oct 15, The Powerplant,Edmonton, ABSun Oct 16, The Arts Centre,Golden, BCMon Oct 17, The Artstation,Fernie, BCTue Oct 18, Little Slocan Lodge,Slocan Valley, BCWed Oct 19, The Opera House,Ashcroft BCThu Oct 20, The Central Bar,Victoria, BCFri Oct 21, Creekside Theatre,Lake Country, BCSat Oct 22, Ukrainian Hall,Vancouver, BCSun Oct 23, The Abbey,Cumberland, BC

ALSO OUT ON MINT RECORDSTHE EVAPORATORS – Ripple Rockon Alternative Tentacles outside

of Canada

JOHN GULIAK – 7 Stories and 13 Songs

THE SADIES – 2-song French 7”8

Actually I was just in New York City. Wewormed our way into the core of the Big Appleonce again. Our first New York Hootenanny.Went well. Dozens rejoiced. Norah Jones wasthere. Picked and grinned until the wee hoursin Chris Brown's backyard in Brooklyn. LutherWright's latest girlfriend brought a selection ofcheeses, bless her. And the next day when theothers had left, Tolan and I got to record back-up vocals on some guy’s record in bed! Amicrophone was brought to us and we oohedand aahed into its awaiting diaphragm adrift ona sea of cushions and cat hair. Now that'sglamour, my friend!

This tour started on August 11 when Tolan andI flew to Toronto and met up with Agent Rigbyat the airport. Our mission? To play at an eventcalled T.O. Twangfest which was held down atthe Harbourfront Centre. Us and all our "rootsy"friends — Luther Wright, NQ Arbuckle, LukeDoucet, The Sadies, The Brothers Cosmoline,The Rizdales, Atomic 7, Nathan etc. got to strutour stuff in more glamourous settings than weare usually accustomed. A fine idea.

Everyone rose to the challenge and soundedfantastic. Boy when you can really hear thewords it makes all the difference. Suddenlyeveryone feels included so the battle is halfwon before the war even starts. Unlike theother bands, our invitation came with thecaveat that I would emcee for four daysbecause I guess someone told The Man that Iwas good at it. Who are these people? I mean,I guess I'm good at it but only when there areno rules and they just want me for me but byday three, having to thank the Government ofCanada and the State of Texas (this year's doorprize sponsor — "First prize is a trip to Texas.Second prize? Two trips to Texas!" threatenedto slip off my tongue with every glance at theclipboard) became a task far more odious thanwaitressing. But I wore a wig and danced to allour friends' bands in the sunshine by the waterand our friend Dan who sings with TheBrothers Cosmoline and writes The Best LyricsEver took us all out for fancy pants dinner onthe Canadian Songwriters Association tab atthis restaurant where all the food was tiny andvertical and the men were drinking white wine.

To my horror my last two tour-mates (We'll callthem Luther and Neville) were seated danger-ously close to each other. I've toured with bothof them a lot this year but SEPARATELY and sowithin moments they started, within earshot, todissect my mysterious ways and alarming snip-pets wafted on the wind to my bionic ear ("Doyou find that she is like this?") as they sippedaway at the pinot grigio while I pretended totalk to Dan about his work. This was a mostalarming tableau to behold especially when Iwas unable to even seek the usual comfort ofvoluntary oblivion in the gleaming carafe offree(!) Smoking Loon that loomed before meas my motor skills were still required later thatevening to introduce the bafflingly legendaryBilly Joe Shaver and announce the raffle win-ners. What fresh modern hell is this? I am toooften the executor of my own perfect torment.

Oh dear. Forgive me, New York. I fear I havebecome the deranged swaggard at the cocktailparty holding you hostage with my ramblingtales famous for their huge casts and scantplots. I suggest you simply change the namesto those of people you do know like whenyou're reading a Russian play and think of it alllike a giant metaphor. Or is it AS a giantmetaphor. Oh dear, now that's a simile isn't it?Shit, where were we? Ah yes. Toronto.

Twangfest.

I emceed for like a week straight and now Ican't stop introducing people. Got a tonguelashing from The Organizer for skipping somesponsors on the list because I got too excitedabout The Sadies starting to make it throughthe whole damn list.

Unfortunately the tongue lashing occurred justas I was about to take the stage for my concertwith my sweet and rehearsed men who werevamping in a professional R and B fashion sothere were a few tears behind the velvet.(Alternate Biography title perhaps — TearsBehind the Velvet: Tales of a Boozy Chanteuse?It's that or Tomatoes on the Side: The CarolynMark Story.)

Ah, whatever. Subsequent interaction with TheOrganizer revealed that it was his first year run-ning the show. Turns out he was really sick andfeverish too. Go another layer down and thedude is a former teamster so is all about how'people should WORK when you're payingthem.' Good luck with them artists, bud.Though he was quick to pull out the Art SchoolCard when I commented on this fact, I knowthat he is an alien even if he doesn't.

We did get to stay at The Sheraton on theLakeshore for three nights — albeit rightbeside the Fetal Alcohol Family.

By the end of the third day we had totally over-dosed on the country music so me and Rigbyand Tolan had a hotelivision night instead ofgoing to the wrap-up jam at The Camerondespite the lure of an unmanned piano. My kid-neys offered me an ultimatum too, along thelines of "Go there and we're leaving!" and foronce I was listening.

Rigby left this afternoon so it's down to me andFord and Tolan.

Spent a couple of days on the wagon strollingaround Toronto and charming My BiographerDerek into lending us his Chrysler New Yorkerfor two weeks. "But Darling, if we have no car,this part of the story will just be a write-off,don't you see?"

We had just passed the mandatory emissionstest and affixed the insurance sticker whenDerek, who still had control of the wheel, said,"So my ex-girlfriend got married and had ababy four months after she broke up with me."I said, "I just found out my mother's been hav-ing dizzy spells and hiding it from everybody."Just then we got pulled over by the cops forrunning a red. Good thing we had the sticker.We played in London at a beautiful theatrecalled The Aeolian Hall. So pretty. Red velvetcurtains, a Steinway for Ford. They said I couldplay it if I promised to not, and I quote, play itWITH MY ASS like last time and the last showof this spring's Hootenanny Tour came floodingback to me in a Proustian rush. The sound mandid an amazing job on the vocals.

Dan Walsh from Fred Eaglesmith's band who isthe former president of the Ontario TruckersUnion joined us on the dobro and made ussound like real musicians.

Day four of no drinks and it feels okay. I'm sav-ing up for the full moon in Wakefield where weget to stay upstairs and nobody has to drive.On Thursdays I goes wild! We got back toToronto just in time to miss Dallas Good of theSadies who was DJing at Mitzie's Sister but wehung out with him on the back patio for a whileand he told me that he was born without a ster-num and let me feel his unprotected heart.

Next stop: Peterborough. Opening for TheSilver Hearts at a cute place called The Cinema

which was one. After nearly packing it in, The'Hearts are back in stride and had just recordedan album with Deadly Snakes' singer AndreEtier. A genius idea. Since they are a twelvepiece band they need to be led by a leaderwho's not one of them to get them all facing inthe same direction without anyone feeling com-promised. We stayed up late on Kelly's porchand they excitedly played us all their newsongs. I'm so glad they didn't break up as theyare magic together. Washboard Hank's youngred-headed daughter kept trying to get Tolan totake her to the rock quarry and came back withbleeding legs claiming that he had pushed herdown a cliff. Tolan looked at me and mouthedthe word "Help!" from behind his guitar. Butthen she passed out in the armchair.

After a three day reunion with The HootenannyCrew with a genuine kook named MelwoodCutlery who writes haunting and beautifulsongs but is prone to furtive late night armstroking and a relaxed and summery AmyHoney thrown into the mix this time. Oh yeah,and a typhoon-sized storm which submergedseveral on-ramps and had our man Ford arriv-ing in Kingston, pale and visibly shaken fromhis voyage, we all ended up on Wolfe Island atVirginia the Witchfarmer's house.

Wolfe Island is a crazy place indeed. So closeto Kingston, yet surprisingly rural with itsswirling open skies, pastures of forgotten haybales and an outhouse resembling the finalscene in Kingdom of Spiders. Even WilliamShatner himself might have for once, consider-ing the odds, taken the road less dramatic, andrelieved himself outside.

It has of late become difficult to diagnosewhich physical symptoms are the result of theresidual mistreatment and which are curable. Iam referring to the difference between volun-tary experimentation versus downright poison-ing. Since you'd have to be sort of fucked up todo any of this, it's easy for the lines to becomeblurred. When something feels really wrong, itis interesting to note that the initial reaction issomething like, "Well I'm surprised this hasn'thappened sooner." Or "Wow, at last a sign thatthere are some parameters in place here!" WhatI am leading up to is that when Tolan arose themorning after Wolfe Island he was puffed up tothrice his normal size.

Indeed, Tolan was swollen. And of course,everyone became instant experts on the matter.

"I think I was bitten by a spider," said Tolan.

"Nah. That's Swimmers Itch!" said someoneauthoritatively.

"It's hives I tell you. Hives!" said Ford who suf-fers.

In any event, the dude looked like a crossbetween the Elephant Man, the kid from Maskand (how's this for an obscure reference?)Keefer Sutherland after Reese Witherspoongoes to town on him in Freeway 2. DanWhiteley suggested that since we come fromOut West, our immune systems are just plainill-suited to the foreign Ontario atmosphere —like we were from another planet or something,which explains why we don't know what thehell they're saying around here half the timebut that's a whole other rant. Wait until this fallwhen we show our cousins from Back East themajesty of mould and silverfish that the damp-ness brings and see how ye fare me hearties!

That morning we were on our way to theAnnual Fred Eaglesmith Picnic whichis held on a Nature Preserve nearAylmer. Tolan said he felt up to going

The New Pornographers with Immaculate Machine on tour with DestroyerThu Sep 22, Sugar, Victoria BCFri Sep 23, Commodore Ballroom, Vancouver BCSat Sep 24, Showbox, Seattle WASun Sep 25, Wonder Ballroom Portland ORTue Sep 27, Bimbo's 365 Club, San Francisco CAWed Sep 28, Bimbo's 365 Club, San Francisco CAThu Sep 29, Henry Fonda Theatre, Los Angeles BCFri Sep 30, Belly Up, San Diego CASat Oct 1, Rialto Theater, Tucson AZMon Oct 3, Gothic Theater, Denver COWed Oct 5, Granada, Lawrence KSThu Oct 6, Mississsippi Nights, St Louis MOFri Oct 7, Southgate House, Newport KYSat Oct 8, Club Soda, Kalamazoo MISun Oct 9, The Phoenix, Toronto ONMon Oct 10, Cabaret La Tulipe, Montreal QCTue Oct 11, The Roxy, Boston MAWed Oct 12 & Thu Oct 13, Webster Hall, New York NYFri Oct 14, Trocadero, Philadelphia PASat Oct 5, 9:30 Club, Washington DCSun Oct 16, Cat's Cradle, Carrboro NCMon Oct 17, Variety Playhouse, Atlanta GATue Oct 18, Mercy Lounge, Nashville TNThu Oct 20, The Metro, Chicago ILSat Oct 22, First Avenue, Minneapolis MNwww.thenewpornographers.com

The OrganSun Sep 18, Ear to the Ground, Toronto ON Mon Sep 19, Casbah, Hamilton ON (w/Gentleman Reg) Tue Sep 20, Call the Office, London ON (w/Gentleman Reg) Wed Sep 21, The Avalon, Windsor ON (w/Gentleman Reg) Thu Sep 22, Estrojam, Chicago IL Mon Sep 26, Line Spider, Akron OH (w/the Ponys) Wed Sep 28–Sat Oct 8, venue tba, city tba NJ/NY Sun Oct 9, Maxwell's, Hoboken NJ Mon Oct 10, Middle East Club, Cambridge MA Wed Oct 12, Sala Rossa, Montreal, QC Thu Oct 13, Grad Club, Kingston ON Fri Oct 14, Starlight Room, Waterloo ON Sat Oct 15, Trasheteria, Peterborough ON Tue Oct 18, WECC, Winnipeg MB Wed Oct 19, The Exchange, Regina SK Thu Oct 20, ACAD, Calgary AB

Fri Oct 21, venue tba, Kamloops BC Sat Oct 22, venue tba, city tba Wed Oct 26, ULU, London UKThu Oct 27, Liars Club, Nottingham UKSat Oct 29, Les Rockmotives, Vendome FranceTue Nov 1, Waterats, London UKThu Nov 3, Grand Mix, Tourcoing FranceFri Nov 4, Inrocks Festival, Paris FranceSat Nov 5, Antipode, Rennes FranceWed Nov 9, Lune Des Pirates, Aiens FranceSat Nov 10, Festival Musiques Volantes, Metz FranceTue Nov 15, Bivouac, Lincoln UK*Wed Nov 16, Fez, Reading UK*Thu Nov 17, University SU, Leicester UK*Fri Nov 18, Arts Centre, Salisbury UK*Sat Nov 19, Leadmill, Sheffield UK*Sun Nov 20, Sheperd’s Bush Empire, London UK** supporting The Wedding Presentwww.theorgan.ca

Immaculate MachineSun Oct 23, Small's, Detroit MITue Oct 25, Middle East Club, Cambridge MAWed Oct 26, Studio 112, Saint John NBThu Oct 27, The Paramount, Moncton NBFri Oct 28, George's Roadhouse, Sackville NSSat Oct 29, Stage Nine, Halifax NSSun Oct 30, venue tba, Sydney NSMon Oct 31, Brennan's, Charlottetown PEITue Nov 1, venue tba, Fredericton NBWed Nov 2, Le Divan Orange, Montreal QCThu Nov 3, venue tba, city tba ONFri Nov 4, venue tba, North Bay ONSat Nov 5, Townhouse Tavern, Sudbury ONMon Nov 7, venue tba, Ottawa ONTue Nov 8, Trasheteria, Peterborough ONWed Nov 9, venue tba, Toronto ONThu Nov 10, venue tba, Waterloo ONFri Nov 11, O’Grady’s, Toronto ONSat Nov 12, Call the Office, London ONMon 14, venue tba, Winnipeg MBTue 15, O'Hanlon's, Regina SKWed 16, venue tba, Saskatoon SKThu 17, Broken City, Calgary ABFri 18, Sidetrack, Edmonton ABSat 19, venue tba, city tba ABwww.immaculatemachine.com

TOUR DATES! SUBJECT TO CHANGE! FOR MOST UP-TO-DATE, GO TO WWW.MINTRECS.COM

www.exclaim.ca

Canada’s bible for emerging music culture

9

and lay in the back seat of the New Yorker thewhole way there in hopes of returning to nor-mal size for show time.

When we arrived six hours later, Canadian folklegend Willie P. Bennett took one look at Tolanand steered him to the trunk of his car wherehe opened a suitcase containing an impressiveselection of drugs. "How's your breathing?" heasked while scanning the labels of various bot-tles. "Mmm. Hmm. Your heart all right?" Hethen gave Tolan a horse sized antihistaminesaying "Just take one. Taking two doesn't help.And don't drink. Your heart will explode."

And in moments Tolan had shrunk down to hisusual dimensions. He was still kind of pale butway better. We played a set to all the FredHeads who were sated from three days ofmusic and toadish in their lawn chairs in thebright sunlight. Tolan assured me that he wasfeeling all right and didn't mind staying even ifhe couldn't drink and so I partied for two,meeting up with a former lounge piano playerfrom Manhattan who knew all the words toEvery Song Ever Written. I believe it was closeto 5am, the fire glowing embers and the skytinged with pink when we sang one last lustychorus of "Don't Pull Your Love Out On MeBaby!"

Shit. What was I thinking? I should get a tattooon my wrist that says "Remember Tomorrow,Genius!" Or maybe an ankle bracelet that wouldcause some sort of noticeable discomfort start-ing at 2am and not cease until I was horizontalwith my eyes closed and alone. Six hours backto Kingston to play a benefit for a communitygarden at a cafe called The Sleepless Goat.Again, what was I thinking? A sea of nursingmothers, a nasty old PA and, of course, bon-gos. A bunch of kale hung suspended from theceiling above the stage. I asked, "If I standunder here do I have to kiss a hippie?" It'sokay. It's not like anyone could hear us. LuckilySweet Annie was there to give us carrot gingersoup and take the edge off the Irony Deficiencythese breeders were obviously suffering from.Virginia hauled our sorry asses back to WolfeIsland where we could rest up for the nextday's voyage to NYC.

We packed up the next morning, evicting sever-al spiders who had decided in the night that ourluggage was a great place to raise a family.("Did you pack this suitcase yourself, Ma'am?").

Wolfe Island is located between Ontario andNew York State so we got to take the cutestthree-car ferry to Cape Vincent and had themost casual border crossing to date. We usedthe old 'I'm-a-piano-teacher-he's-a-roofer'angle.

"The car? Oh yes. Borrowed from our old friendDerek! Yes. Rather sporting of him indeed!"

We didn't even have to resort to the usual Jedimind control tactics. "These are not the terror-ists you're looking for and we're totally not in aband."

The drive was amazing. It's like a two lanevideo game through The Catskills and ThePalisades Parkway and then all of a suddenyou're in Fuckin' New York City! To go from thestarry skied ruralness of Wolfe Island tobustling Manhattan is a curious thing indeed.We are starting to feel like we're starring in aperpetual reality TV show. "Today on 'What theFuck's Going On?' Carolyn and Tolan teleportbetween two countries both geographically andspiritually in under six hours. Hilarity ensues."

We pulled up outside The Living Room onLudlow basically just in time to play. Luther and

Jenny and the gang had, unbeknownst to me,bailed on the hippie benefit in favour of arrivinga day early and showed up looking annoyinglyacclimatized. I bolted with Jenny across thestreet for a wine and a smoke to take the edgeoff the drive so I could get into character andnot be spewing pure poison into the micro-phone for our first ever New York Hootenanny.

It seems like every time I get out of that car I'min some sort of rage.

Nice crowd for an early show. Chris Brown andKate Fenner played with us and Melwood andFord and our friends from Ireland, Prison Love,showed up and it was all over by 11pm so thenext show could start. Turns out a little fillynamed Norah Jones was gonna play a few BobWills tunes with her country band. I wanted totell her how much I liked her records but thesix Grammies kind of made it seem redundant.I mean, EVERYBODY likes her records. It mademe want to tell her that I couldn't stand them inhopes that she'd be so taken by my refreshingcandour that we could just get on with thebusiness of being friends. But I just stared.

After a lovely day off in Brooklyn, completewith backyard dinner with Chris Brown who issuch a righteous dude. He's always helpingsomeone. I bet there's a big old groove on thecall-waiting button on his phone.

Our friend Frank came ove and took Tolan toride the rolly coaster at Coney Island. I declinedand spent a wonderful afternoon on the phonearguing with a promoter in Edmonton. Thehighlight was when he paused and said, "Doyou know how much money I've lost putting onyour shows over the years?!" which I had toadmit kind of stung a little. My friend Geoffsuggested I offer to give him a tax receipt like acharity. Good Times and glamour, my friend.

We left Friday morning and headed back toWolfe Island to pick up our instruments andvisit with Virginia and all our spider friends butovershot the ferry by a good forty miles. Virgiewas working late so me and Tolan played gui-tars on the porch and actually learned up acouple of much needed New Songs accompa-nied by a chorus, led by Lenny the Dog, ofcats, coyotes and grasshoppers and whateverelse was out there. "How perfect to 'debut' inMontreal!" we thought. "Perhaps during the'encore'?" Tres amusant, n'est pas?

Got up early the next day and swam nude in themouth of the St. Lawrence in lieu of showeringwhich ruled except I kept thinking someonewas gonna see me and/or steal my clothes as aprank or something. Damn small town highschool, makin' me so paranoid....

Tolan drove and I spent the next five hours doz-ing in the back seat. When we got to Montrealand I got out on St Laurent, I felt really weird. Ifelt like I was going to die which, until thatmoment, I had thought was just an expression.People say it all the time. "I thought I was goingto die!" and I always nod knowingly so theywon't suspect that I am an alien. But this timeit's like I finally knew what all the humans weretalking about. I felt kind of pukey and crampyand retarded. My tongue was thick and myhands were swollen and it felt like my head wasfilled with bees. I thought it was just the LadiesPains 'cause that was going on too but wow, Ialmost thought of checking myself in which Inever think to do because I know if I were to goto a doctor they'd have me put down.

My friend Alexis came and got me and wesought comfort in the restorative powers ofvintage dress shopping at the street fair. I

scored two five-dollar gowns and felt a littlebetter. Then we went to the drugstore and gotsome Midol which I've never taken before andholy shit, turns out it's like pure speed whichmade me feel even weirder! I told Tolan I felt aserious bout of Tourette's coming on but youcan't expect someone else to know what itmeans when you tell them you're feeling crazy.Believe me. I've been on both sides of this.

My friend The Vampire always tells me howcrazy he is and I never believe him. I'm alwayslike, "Well you can't be that crazy if you're ableto tell me that you are." Someone really crazywould just be grunting or screaming likeHarvey Keitel crouched in the corner howlingwith indignation at the Universal Horror which,come to think of it is how my friend TheVampire ends up most evenings. I think maybeI'm going to start believing him.

Mental illness aside, the show was really fun.The Main Hall has great sound and Tolanplayed great and everyone loved him. Li'l Andyopened the show with style and we played to asmall yet appreciative 'crowd' before headingout into the night where, in the highest comedyof scheduling hilarity, we discovered LutherWright was playing up the street. I leapt uponthe unmanned piano to keep my hands busybut it was too loud to hear anything. The nextmorning, we attempted to stalk Leonard Cohenat Bagel Etc which we know to be one of hisfavourite haunts, eager to share with him ourawesome idea of how he can get his financesback into the black: He could simply pull aWillie Nelson and do a Taco Time commercial!We even came up with the campaign slogan —"I've seen the future and it's delicious." Voila.That oughtta put booze on the table. But therewas no sign of Lenny. Probably forced by hisaccountant cut down on the eating out nodoubt.

I located Tolan and we blazed to Toronto. Thistime Tolan slept in the back seat while I drove.Apparently a gin drinking contest had brokenout at our friend Larry's after the bar and Tolanwas still feeling the effects of his apparent vic-tory.

When we got to the back alley of TheHorseshoe Tavern, Tolan got out looking reallyfucking bizarre. Not hangover green. Not bloodpressure red. None of his usual colours, butkind of grey. Taupe maybe?

"I don't feel so good," he said.

"Kind of pukey and retarded?" I said, "That'show I felt YESTERDAY!"

We both looked at the back seat accusingly."Maybe there's an exhaust leak," we both said.Oh my God. Carbon Monoxide poisoning. Itmade perfect sense as the whole trip flashedbefore my eyes. New York. Kingston. Montreal.And now Toronto. We felt the weirdest after allthe longest drives. So I felt like I was going todie because I WAS GOING TO DIE! For somereason I felt vindicated that in no circle would Ibe considered a pussy based on my thresholdfor discomfort. When I told my friend Melissaabout it she laughed and said she found ittelling to note that the last thing we would thinkto blame our discomfort on would be an exter-nal force as a result of all the residual 'partyguilt.' But then she rang off explaining that shewas in the middle of an experiment where shewas attempting to harness the electricity ofhuman excitement and had just blown a fuse.For some reason I pictured nipple clamps, a carbattery, and a coffee grinder and shuddered.Guess she's feeling better.

ALSO OUT ONMINT RECORDSTHE EVAPORATORS –

Mutiny in Stereoon Lookout! outside

of Canada

ALSO OUT ON MINT RECORDSTHE BUTTLESS CHAPS – Love This Time

new album out in early 2006

THE GAY – You Know The Rules

ATOMIC 7 – En Hillbilly Calientealso: Gowns by Edith Head

left to right: Torben Wilson, Morgan McDonald, Lasse Lutick, Dave Gowans

tentative album cover ideas for the new Chaps album out in 2006

Canadian cultural icon and Duplex! memberVeda Hille sent a copy of the record to Mint,and it quickly ended up in the CD player ofour youngest A&R Rep, three year old SamBaker. Suffice to say that somewherebetween chants about salad tasting like dirt,ska-flavoured ditties about chromosomesand the eminently singable "Pooing &Peeing" this record quickly found a perma-nent place in the CD player… and the carCD player… you get the idea. We've alwaysbelieved that you gotta go with your guthere at Mint, and to see a three year oldtake instantly to this like a duckling to apuddle was all we needed. Frantic phonecalls were made and here we are.

Meet the gang:

Abe Caruso: age 3 – plays xylophone, har-monica, and rattles. Member of the AbeCaruso Project

Annie Wilkinson: age 37 – plays bass,Barry's Melodica. Member of Great AuntIda, the Beekeepers

Justin Kellam: age 32 – plays drums, per-cussion, and a dog. Member of Mintrecording artists P:ano

Matt Caruso: age 35 – plays guitar, man-dolin, and fake marimba. Member of theBeekeepers

Saoirse Soley: age 11 – plays electric guitar,organ, nose trumpet, and kielbasa. Memberof M. Michelle's Grade 6/7 class & theLeaky Heaven Circus

Shaun Brodie: age 25 – plays trumpet,euphonium, and tambourine. Member ofthe Neins, AC Newman

Sierra Terhoch: age 11 – plays piano, fakestrings, and maracas. Member of M.Michelle's Grade 6/7

Veda Hille: age 35 – plays piano, organ,casio, fake choir, and tenor guitar. Memberof herself

Everybody sings!

Fans of kids' entertainers like Dan Zanes (orfor that matter any parent who is sick ofsuffering at the hands of Elmo or Barney)owe it to themselves and their kids to giveDuplex! a spin. Word to your mother… andyour kids.

THE ORGANGRAB THAT GUNCD MRD-076 / LP MRL-076

Rumbling bass, stabbing guitars, andlead singer Katie Sketch’s devastating

lyrics.... The Organ’s sound is rain-lashedmelancholy, bleak but human, and neverless than beautiful. – Metro, London UK

...they do moody like only girls know how.It’s a talent, sure, but nowhere near as goodas their flair for fragile, eerie indie. – NME

For only being in their early 20s, the ladiesof post-punk outfit the Organ form a soundmuch wiser than their years.... Together, the

members of the Organ go beyond the slickstyle of Interpol for melodies more on parwith the Stills. In darkness you can see light,and that's exactly what the Organ wishes toimpress with this dynamic set. – Venus

The songs are hypnotic in their simplicityand sorrow, and when I get to the end Ipress play again, convinced I’ve missed acrucial detail. Like a further stripped-downversion of the Smiths and Joy Division, theOrgan invoke a feeling that dwells on miserybut searches for passion. – The Fader

...often quirky and unconventional, a recordfor daydreaming about broken hearts andbasement suites in winter. We wish we hadths intelligent and subtle music in highschool, when we needed something toexplain what we would be feeling throughmost of our 20s. – New York Times

With their rapturous and dirgelike melodies,they layer the commanding vocals ofDeborah Harry (without the glitz) over themopey elegance of a Smiths. – Time

a glistening fresh-caught tuna of spot-onnostalgia that casts the brightest of GrabThat Gun's fast-burning rays. – pitchforkmedia.com

www.theorgan.ca

NEKO CASETHE TIGERS HAVE SPOKENCD MRD-077ON ANTI INC OUTSIDE OF CANADA

Casting some tasty morsels to thosejonesing for a follow-up to 2002's phe-

nomenal Blacklisted, enterprising alt-countrysiren Neko Case's The Tigers Have Spokengoes way beyond your average live best-ofcomp. Drawn from shows backed by theSadies in Chicago and Toronto, Tigersincludes a selection of past faves, covers andnew tunes written specifically for the album –opener If You Knew is top-notch. Case defiesexpectations with smart song choices thatprove she's more than a country torchsinger, ranging from the Shangri-Las' TrainFrom Kansas City to trad gospel and BuffySainte-Marie tunes. ...the fidelity of Tigers iscrystal-clear and captures Case at her best. –NOW, Toronto

"Live album" is the biggest oxymoron inmusic. Even the most primal perform-

ance documents are meticulously mixed,overdubbed, subjected to re-takes, or – as anold myth about Kiss Alive! suggests –pumped up with crowd noise from MondayNight Football.In her songs, Neko Case has always blurred

the real with the mythic, so it's fitting that theL-word is conspicuously downplayed on thepackaging for The Tigers Have Spoken, eventhough hundreds of Torontonians bore wit-ness to much of its recording this past Aprilduring two weekends of shows at Lee'sPalace and after-hours haunt The Matador.

(The rest was recorded at Schuba's inChicago.)The hoedowns boasted a veritable Last Waltz

cavalcade of famous friends, including con-summate backing band The Sadies, singersCarolyn Mark and Kelly Hogan, pedal-steelspecialist Jon Rauhouse and former ShadowyMen guitarist Brian Connelly, among others.And anyone who attended remembers that theshows felt more like a TV-show taping than acathartic kicking-out of jams, with the naturalmomentum of a live show sacrificed in favourof doing extra takes of songs, with the playersand audience seemingly conscious of therolling tape.The music on The Tigers Have Spoken – a

combination of new originals, old faves andclassic covers – reflects this discipline. Giventhat Case toured Blacklisted with a stripped-down, drum-less trio, Tigers sounds practical-ly Spectorish on impact – opener "If YouKnew" and a rollicking cover of The Shangri-Las' "Train from Kansas City" ring out like pureAM radio gold; Case's harmonizing withHogan and Mark on Catherine Irwin's "Hex"and the gorgeous title track acheive a heaven-ly gospel grace.The performances are so poised and pris-

tine, you don't really feel anyone break asweat until the second act, when Case andThe Sadies trade barbs on a cover of "Loretta"by '70s Boston garage-rockers The NervousEaters. But it's clear that the point of this exer-cise was not to capture Case in the raw but toexploit the ambient qualities of a full-band per-formance in a large club. On her previousrecordings, Case was as interested in manipu-lating space and atmosphere for effect as shewas in belting out melodies to fill them, andThe Tigers Have Spoken is no different. For alive record, it's a stellar studio album. – eye,Toronto

www.nekocase.com

YOUNG AND SEXYLIFE THROUGH ONE SPEAKERCD MRD-070 / LP MRL-070

AND COMING IN FEBRUARY 2006:PANIC WHEN YOU FIND ITCD MRD-089

Life Through One Speaker [young andsexy’s second album] is full of tunes about

being older and wiser, sung with the bitterconviction of those still on the near side of30. The invasive tunes are full of worried self-assurance and pregnant pauses, and thearrangements look complexity in the face,and pronounce it good. The reverberantvocals, by Lucy Brain and chief songwriterPaul Hixon Pittman, suit the involved-but-dis-tant stance of the material. It's perfect listen-ing for a rainy afternoon in the band's home-town of Vancouver, or any time when wisdomlooks to be a sneaky euphemism for disap-pointment. – Globe and Mail

www.youngandsexy.org

Mint Records releases are distributed in the USA by NAIL Distribution www.naildistribution.comand in Canada by Outside Music www.outside-music.com and Scratch Distribution www.scratchrecords.com

Mint Records distributed in Canada by...

www.outside-music.com

Toronto went well. We reunited with Our Garthon the drums and NQ Arbuckle opened andtheir new songs are awesome and they've gotquite the ambitious new lighting guy at TheHorseshoe now so it all felt rather epic.

At the sound check, someone noticed that wewere down a bass player and Basil from BlueRodeo was summoned and man, the dude is asoldier. Fearless. Throwing himself into thefront lines of our chord changes like that. Whatwas he thinking? Perhaps the man was onsome sort of suicide mission. I don't know buthats off to Basil!

We played two big sets and I ended lying downand hanging my head off the end of the stagesinging upside down during the Elvis explosionfinale and it made me think of old times withThe Vinaigrettes. Before I played guitar and justdanced. Well, pointed mostly.

The promoter was AWOL so we got paid lessthan I was expecting which also made me thinkof old times. Well, most times actually.

ACTUALLY, most times are reminding me ofother times these days. Like the fifth and lasttime I ever did acid. I noticed we were talkingabout the other times we'd done acid WHILEWE WERE ON ACID so it just seemed kind ofredundant. Like talking about food while you'reeating. Or talking about touring when you're ontour. Or talking about drinking while drinking. Ilike singing about drinking though. It feelsmore noble. I love all those 'bar room asprison' metaphor songs. Oh my god, now I'mwriting about talking about singing about drink-ing while drinking. O The Layers! I'm wonder-ing if it's too late now to change The Script?Shit, that could be scary. I know all my linesnow.

People can get used to anything.

Worse, they can become nostalgic for anything.I have been wild for too long to start workingfor anyone else. I mostly get paid for beingmyself. And the self that used to pride itself onbeing so spontaneous, as accommodating aswater, now feels as though it's starting to hard-en into just a bag of habits and one liners. It'sall parlour tricks for catnip as my friend Edused to say. What I'm doing is a lot of peoples'dream. The difference is that usually it's kept asa dream. And fantasies aren't generally thatwell thought out — "I'll just kill the husbandand then she'll love me forever!" or "Wait untilI'm dead. Then they'll be sorry!" etc. TheFantasy of Playing Carnegie Hall doesn't factorin the twelve years of touring, or any of the leadup. It's just that moment.

In the fantasy version, it would of course beSaturday night and you would be headliningand you would have no memory of the twelvehour drive or the border crossing or all thosehours you spent learning your instrument orthinking homicidal thoughts about your band-mates. In the fantasy, somehow you just mirac-ulously know what to do and you would totally

win over the sold out crowd who'd adore youand be familiar with your work and it would feellike your mother folding you into a warm towelafter the bath. Most of my friends know whichpart to keep as the fantasy. These are the antswho will take in this grasshopper in The Fallwhen she realizes that there indeed was a later— that The Future was real and not just a con-spiracy to keep people in line. Well I'm hopingthey will anyway.

Right now, I'm having a date with myself in thishotel room in Seattle. Yup. Using the soap dishas an ashtray. "But I thought you were athome?" you say incredulously. Yeah well, sodid I. There's just this one show, see? Presentrelocation be damned, I feel like I want to finishthe story.

The last day of the tour. Quiet on the set.

Take One. Rolling. Speed. Action:

After our show at The Horseshoe, our drummerGarth, to celebrate the proximity of his houseto the bar, had a party. In the seven block drivewe got to relive a condensed version of all ourpast tours. I was sober. Garth and Tolan andFord were all crammed amidst the gear in thebackseat drunkenly arguing about how to getthere and I had to parallel park The New Yorkerright in front of a benchful of screaming fratboyz who had stationed themselves in front ofthe house. "Are you guys Blue Rodeo?!" theyscreamed viciously when they laid their beadyeyes on Ford's keyboard and silver temples.

Once we were safely inside with the drinkspoured, we of course stayed up way too latepost-morteming the show and figuring out theworld. "You were great. No. You were great.Holy shit is it five?"

The next 'morning', Bernard our EasternEnabler helped me return Derek's car. (Derek, ifyou're reading this, I didn't want to tell youabout the exhaust leak lest you mark us asingrates. Also, I thought it very unlikely thatyou would spend five hours in the back seat of'The Cherry Bomb' with the thing in motionwhich is when you start to notice that you'refeeling weird and without you we're nothing etcbut Darling, I'm telling you now.)

We ended up down at The Harbourfront (fullcircle or what?) and chartered a water taxi totake us to our last show. The Toronto IslandJamboree which is an annual event held in apagoda style hall. The weather was perfect andthe men had purchased one of those balsawood airplanes that you wind up with an elasticband and were immediately flanked by an armyof children eager to do their every bidding inexchange for the chance of winding the pro-peller. A pug named George made sweet love toseveral paper plates and our set went well andthe people danced and we initiated yet anotherbass player. This one, I believe, went by thename Mr. Tickle. I am starting to see the impor-tance of these people.

Later we watched Brian Connelly's band TheAtomic 7. They are an instrumental trio knownfor their extensive practising and artful segues.Bernard turned to me and wondered aloud ifBrian ever thought about the words when hewas playing. I think definitely not. With him it'sall about melody and tone and in most musicthose damn words just get in the way of thePrecious Guitar. Like I keep saying, a well cho-sen occupation masks the lurking fetishes sofor a perfectionist in love with tone, an instru-mental band is the perfect forum. He is theembodiment of class but not in the usual "Couldyou fuck off with the perfect for a second?" Heis just so lovely that watching him makes youwant to become a better person. That night Iwas struck by the revelation that a band ismade up of people essentially all just rooting fortheir own teams. The drummer wants to hit thegoddamn Drums but the singer's always mak-ing him wait while she sings the all importantLyrics and the bass player has a whole differentagenda and so on.

And you're all supposed to work together?Hilarious. Someone brought up the part in thatStanding in the Shadows of Motown moviewhere they ask the drummer about what it waslike to record all the Motown hits and all hetalks about is the drum fills — "Badaba baboom diddly boom — Now that's an intro!" —because that's his perspective. I bet if youasked any of my bandmates what happened onthe last tour their answers would all be differ-ent. Like if you were to ask a monkey about histravels in the jungle he'd probably tell you allabout the bananas and what a great time he hadbecause there were so many bananas. But ifyou asked the anteater he might say with a sigh,"Oh it was okay I suppose. Not a lot of antsthough..." And perhaps some of the animalsnever find their natural habitat and are constant-ly disappointed and just become sort ofresigned. "Yup. I knew it. No ants again..."Maybe some mutate. " I guess these bananasaren't so bad." I'm thinking it'll be good for thismonkey to stay home for a while. Turns outthey ain't kidding when they say that you candie from exposure.

I just found a quote by a man named LeroyRobert 'Satchel' Paige (1906-1982): "Go verylight on the vices, such as carrying on in socie-ty. The social ramble ain't restful."

You said a mouthful, Satch.

I'm gonna go see the penguin movie. After that,I guess I'll just wait for The Director, that bigCecil B. DeMille in the sky to hand me the newscript. Even though I know better.

We are all our own directors.

Thank you New York. Don't forget to drinkwater and try to get some sleep.

– Carolyn Mark

Many many more tour diaries by Carolyn Markare available online at www.mintrecs.com

MINT: NEW, PRIORITY, CURRENT, NOTABLE!IMMACULATE MACHINEONES AND ZEROS CD MRD-087

Sometimes you never know when a longlost family member will show up, let

alone one you never knew existed in the firstplace. Such was the case when KathrynCalder, the lead singer and keyboardist ofMint's latest signing, Immaculate Machine,finally sat down face-to-face with NewPornographers lead singer Carl "AC"Newman. Together they filled in the branch-es of their family tree, and by an amazingturn of coincidence, the connectionsrevealed that in fact Kathryn Calder is CarlNewman's niece.

We can thank the mad intrepid skillz ofNardwuar the Human Serviette and theEvaporators for really piecing this rock 'n'roll puzzle together — various teenagedincarnations of Immaculate Machine openedfor the Evaporators for years at Victoria allages shows. Through their drunken, middle-aged haze, the Evaporators were alwaysamazed by the prowess of each bandKathryn, Brook and Luke performed in. TheEvaporators eventually got to know the trio,and through casual conversation over sever-al years, managed to figure the whole thingout, eventually successfully uniting Kathrynwith her Uncle Carl, the Pornographer. Thatwould be enough of a story in itself, but ofcourse it gets better.

Carl Newman has an extreme ear for talent.Anyone who has ever listened to his recordsknows that. Like any great leader, he sur-rounds himself with the best. Just ask DanBejar, Neko Case or John Collins. Carl wasquick to notice that musical talent indeedruns in his family, and hence, Kathryn'svocals and keyboards are all over her uncle'supcoming New Pornographers album. Carlwas also taken aback by the exceptional tal-ent level of Immaculate Machine.

And that's how we got involved. Let's justsay it didn't take much convincing, andthat's not "one-sheet" bullshit. At an averageage of twenty-three, Immaculate Machinemakes an immediate impact with sharp,sophisticated pop that seems beyond theirage. They are a power-trio in the finest tradi-tion of the phrase; not a single note is wast-ed. Soaring and steady three-part har-monies, rotating lead vocals, intricatemelodies and thought-provoking lyrics arecompacted neatly with keyboards, guitar,

and drums (no bass guitar —Kathryn handles that instrument

with her left hand).

The debut album, Ones and Zeros, came outon Mint on September 6 — the first four cutsalone are staggering in their "hit" like quality.Start with 1 (Broken Ships), then 4 (PhoneNo. an awesome duet — when Kathryn'svocals kick in, it takes the album to anotherlevel), then try 2 (No Such Thing As TheFuture), then 7 (So Cynical — ballad!). Noprofanity.

And to top it all off, Immaculate Machine willbe touring North America with Uncle Carl andthe New Pornographers (with Kathryn joiningthe NP’s on stage too!), along with Destroyerthis fall (see dates below), with their ownmonth-long tour to follow.

RIYL: The Metric, the Magnetic Fields, TheNew Pornographers, Belle and Sebastian,Architecture in Helsinki

www.immaculatemachine.com

THE NEW PORNOGRAPHERSTWIN CINEMA CD MRD-085 / LP MRL-085ON MATADOR OUTSIDE OF CANADA

In today's ridiculously distracted musicindustry, where yesterday's Strokes, Hives

and Vines are today's Franz Ferdinand, BlocParty and Bravery, a band that is able to sus-tain momentum beyond their flashpoint tocreate a catalogue of albums is rare. True tal-ent emerges after the comets of the momenthave flared and burnt out.

Cue the New Pornographers.

Armed with the dexterity and density ofsongwriting genius Carl "AC" Newman as theirleader, the New Pornographers roar back totake summer with Twin Cinema, their thirdchapter of 100% pop brilliance. As was thecase with the first two New Pornographersrecords, Mass Romantic and Electric Version,AC Newman's unique enigmatic sustain isbacked with the irresistible charm and rawlung power of quite frankly the best femalesinger in North America: Neko Case. AC'sother ace has also returned for more: "secretmember" (Destroyer) Dan Bejar weighs in withthree wry slices of acerbic pop. Also back aredrummer/studio whiz Kurt Dahle, key-boardist/film director Blaine Thurier, key-boardist/guitarist Todd Fancey, andbassist/NPs production wizard John "JC/DC"Collins. New to the fold is AC's latest vocaldiscovery, his long-lost niece Kathryn Calder(member of the recently signed Mint actImmaculate Machine, whose Mint debut

album will share release months with theNew Pornographers).

Ever moving forward into new forays offidelity, this genuine Vancouver super-group's latest blockbuster is deep withorchestration and heavy with personal, and,some say, somewhat cryptic and undeci-pherable hits. (Yet somehow you still man-age to shout along after three listens eventhough you might have no idea exactly whatyou are singing! Start with the title track (1),"Use It" (3) and "Sing Me Spanish Techno"(8).

RIYL: Pop music like Shocking Blue, GuidedBy Voices, Blue Oyster Cult, the Kinks, NekoCase, AC Newman, Destroyer, the Sweet,Outrageous Cherry.

www.thenewpornographers.com

NOVILLEROAIM RIGHT FOR THE HOLES IN THEIR LIVES CD MRD-084

Winnipeg, Manitoba: Winter, mosquitoes,the Golden Boy, dirt, Monty Hall.

Mod Soul Power: Tight, impeccable, sophis-ticated, swaggering, passionate.

Winnipeg Mod Soul Power: Novillero.

Ladies and gentlemen, please help us wel-come to centre stage, the one and only

Winnipeg Wall Of Sound, Novillero. Risinglike a Phoenix from Arizona from past indie-rock acts such as Transonic, BulletproofNothing and Mint’s own Duotang, Novillerois a four piece tour de force of chops andcharisma, played by musicians who havebeen there, done that, toured the globe andback again, and have matured into knowingexactly what they want, and how they wantto deliver it.

Key songwriter, keyboardist and bassistRod Slaughter spent the last eight years inDuotang, a minimalist mod band of justbass and drums (on hiatus at the momentas drummer Sean Allum attends to his beinga father!). In Novillero, it’s as if Slaughterand his bandmates Sean Stevens, GrantJohnson, and David Berthiaume are makingup for lost time, layering instrument uponinstrument, chorus upon chorus and hookupon hook, molding their “Aim” into theband’s finest work to date.

Searing out of the speakers like a modernday all-star shakedown of The Small Faces,The Who, and the best of the earth-shakingBooker T and The MGs, Aim Right for theHoles in Their Lives does just that — if

indeed what you lack is an adrenaline shotof the purest mod exuberance.

Start with the incredible energy of “TheHypothesist” (possibly both Novillero andSlaughter's best song — ever) then moveon to the pysch-stunning “Habit Over Heart,”change it up with “Abbey,” then try the titletrack “Aim Right For The Holes....” This istight, realized rock ’n roll music.

Oh, and yes, even the four members ofNovillero admit that they don't pronouncethe name of their band correctly. Sure, if thiswas, you know, Spain, Sesame Street, oranywhere else for that matter, it would becorrectly pronounced “Nobby-yerro” (mean-ing a novice bull-fighter), but everyone uphere in Canada has referred to the foursomephonetically for so long, don't feel guiltydoing the same.

www.novillero.net

CAROLYN MARK & FRIENDSJUST MARRIED: AN ALBUM OF DUETS CD MRD-081

The Duet sometimes get maligned as asmarmy and insincere musical form…

all too often you get vapid "stars" bandingtogether to butcher some old standard in aneffort to simultaneously leap on each other'sbandwagon. On the other hand, when donewell, a duet can transcend any other musicalform by combining the strengths of twomusicians to create something that showsreal communication between the artists. Ittakes teamwork to make a great duet and ifthere's one thing that's certain… CarolynMark is all about teamwork.

During Carolyn's years of constant touring,she has made friends with singers and play-ers from far and wide. Her rambunctiousenthusiasm has always ensured that therewere plenty of people happy to make beauti-ful music with her. Consequently, all of herrecordings… Party Girl, Terrible Hostess,(the aptly named) The Pros and Cons ofCollaboration, not to mention The CornSisters (with Neko Case) and The Tribute toRobert Altman's Nashville, are testaments toher ability to make friends and turn thatfriendship into great music. Eventually, itwas plain to see, a duets album was notonly inevitable… but, necessary.

Just Married: An Album of Duets, as youmay have already guessed, is a veritable"who's who" of Canadian Indie Country (andotherwise) music. Her stable of co-duetstersspans the country, including: Toronto'sSilver Hearts, Ford Pier (Martin Tielli), Neville

Quinlan (NQ Arbuckle), Luke Doucet (Veal)…Regina's Dave Lang (Timber Kings)…Edmonton's Corb Lund (The Smalls)…Vancouver's Amy Honey (Clover Honey),Robyn Carrigan (Bottleneck) and GeoffBerner… Gabriola Island's Nathan Tinkham …and from her hometown of Victoria, BC, CareyMercer (Frog Eyes), Bryce Janssens (The FineOptions), Clay George, Kristen Harrison andTolan McNeil (who, by the way, also does adamn fine job of recording and/or mixing 10of the 14 songs).

With an eclectic group of people like this towork with, you're going to end up with somevariety. Just Married: An Album of Duets hassome variety all right. You'll find both tradi-tional and original songs here, and some thatare a bit of both. Some of the songs have thatdynamic tension of male vs. female vocals,and some have the camaraderie of two ladiesgetting down to brass tacks. There are countrysongs here, and some that are definitely notcountry. The one thing in common throughoutis that intangible element known in showbiz as"heart". You just know that the musicians arehaving fun together and doing what they love.Everyone should have friends like that.

P:ANOBRIGADOON CD MRD-082

AND COMING NOVEMBER 1:GHOST PIRATES WITHOUTHEADSCD-EP MRD-086

Brigadoon is the third full-length album fromthe still-young Vancouver-based group

P:ano, and the first released by Mint. P:ano'sfirst two albums, When it's Dark and it'sSummer and The Den found a band workingto find a voice of its own in contemporaryindie rock.

As it turns out, however, P:ano's voice isuniquely eclectic, idiosyncratically engaging adiversity of musical and thematic interests.This restless creativity is exactly what it meansto be P:ano, eschewing one sound for a multi-tude of sounds, taking up whatever is musical-ly contingent when necessary. Even backwhen they first began, P:ano already soundedlike more than just their audible influences,including The Beach Boys, Yo La Tengo, Low,The Magnetic Fields and The Microphones, butno matter what influences they draw upon,Brigadoon proves that the sum is alwaysgreater than the parts.

Where their previous releases hosted manyguest players, Brigadoon features only themultitalented core band of Nick Krgovich,Larissa Loyva, Justin Kellam and Julia Chirka

singing and playing all manner of instru-ments, from zither to drum machine to trum-pet to handclaps. As such, Brigadoon is akind of overdue debut of its own, and notonly for Mint.

What persists strongly throughoutBrigadoon is an intuitive commitment to popmusic as a kind of metaphysical compass.This may seem lofty and obscure but it helpsput their eclecticism in perspective, provingit to be an elemental feature of P:ano's char-acter, not simple capriciousness. The choiceof Brigadoon as a title demonstrates thisquasi-philosophical commitment. In theLerner & Loewe musical of the same namethe main character, moved by an unattain-able love, dispenses with his life at homeand combs the misty moors in search ofBrigadoon, a mysterious place that appearsonly once every 100 years. By the power ofhis intense dedication, Brigadoon reappearsand reunites him with his true love.Brigadoon is a utopia, an impossible place,and its fleeting existence expresses some-thing greater than the existing, imperfectworld.

In this sense, Brigadoon is like the ideal ofperfect pop music; only ever approximated,however artfully, but never fully achieved.Similarly, P:ano are driven by their insatiablelove of perfect pop music as an ideal, caus-ing it to materialize on the horizon. Indeed,Brigadoon is great pop music: it is a realachievement for a young band with muchpromise to come, still dedicatedly searchingthe fields of inspiration for traces and cluesof the truth of pop perfection, articulatedthrough adventurous and smart musicalmiscellany.

Of course, the best part is that we all get toenjoy the result of their hard work.

DUPLEX!ABLUM BY DUPLEX! CD MRD-083

1… 2… 3… 4… This is our powerchord!

So begins Ablum by Duplex!, the debut CDrelease from Vancouver, BC's first latest

pre-teen sensation, not surprisingly calledDuplex! We should come clean right off thebat; they're not all pre-teens, but some ofthem are really really pre. Like as in a threeyear old, an eleven year old, a twelve yearold and a hodge podge of their parents. Weshould also mention right off the bat that thisis a kids' record, first and foremost, but likeall great children's music this record offerslots of good times for the adults too.

Anyway, here's how it happened:12 13

and lay in the back seat of the New Yorker thewhole way there in hopes of returning to nor-mal size for show time.

When we arrived six hours later, Canadian folklegend Willie P. Bennett took one look at Tolanand steered him to the trunk of his car wherehe opened a suitcase containing an impressiveselection of drugs. "How's your breathing?" heasked while scanning the labels of various bot-tles. "Mmm. Hmm. Your heart all right?" Hethen gave Tolan a horse sized antihistaminesaying "Just take one. Taking two doesn't help.And don't drink. Your heart will explode."

And in moments Tolan had shrunk down to hisusual dimensions. He was still kind of pale butway better. We played a set to all the FredHeads who were sated from three days ofmusic and toadish in their lawn chairs in thebright sunlight. Tolan assured me that he wasfeeling all right and didn't mind staying even ifhe couldn't drink and so I partied for two,meeting up with a former lounge piano playerfrom Manhattan who knew all the words toEvery Song Ever Written. I believe it was closeto 5am, the fire glowing embers and the skytinged with pink when we sang one last lustychorus of "Don't Pull Your Love Out On MeBaby!"

Shit. What was I thinking? I should get a tattooon my wrist that says "Remember Tomorrow,Genius!" Or maybe an ankle bracelet that wouldcause some sort of noticeable discomfort start-ing at 2am and not cease until I was horizontalwith my eyes closed and alone. Six hours backto Kingston to play a benefit for a communitygarden at a cafe called The Sleepless Goat.Again, what was I thinking? A sea of nursingmothers, a nasty old PA and, of course, bon-gos. A bunch of kale hung suspended from theceiling above the stage. I asked, "If I standunder here do I have to kiss a hippie?" It'sokay. It's not like anyone could hear us. LuckilySweet Annie was there to give us carrot gingersoup and take the edge off the Irony Deficiencythese breeders were obviously suffering from.Virginia hauled our sorry asses back to WolfeIsland where we could rest up for the nextday's voyage to NYC.

We packed up the next morning, evicting sever-al spiders who had decided in the night that ourluggage was a great place to raise a family.("Did you pack this suitcase yourself, Ma'am?").

Wolfe Island is located between Ontario andNew York State so we got to take the cutestthree-car ferry to Cape Vincent and had themost casual border crossing to date. We usedthe old 'I'm-a-piano-teacher-he's-a-roofer'angle.

"The car? Oh yes. Borrowed from our old friendDerek! Yes. Rather sporting of him indeed!"

We didn't even have to resort to the usual Jedimind control tactics. "These are not the terror-ists you're looking for and we're totally not in aband."

The drive was amazing. It's like a two lanevideo game through The Catskills and ThePalisades Parkway and then all of a suddenyou're in Fuckin' New York City! To go from thestarry skied ruralness of Wolfe Island tobustling Manhattan is a curious thing indeed.We are starting to feel like we're starring in aperpetual reality TV show. "Today on 'What theFuck's Going On?' Carolyn and Tolan teleportbetween two countries both geographically andspiritually in under six hours. Hilarity ensues."

We pulled up outside The Living Room onLudlow basically just in time to play. Luther and

Jenny and the gang had, unbeknownst to me,bailed on the hippie benefit in favour of arrivinga day early and showed up looking annoyinglyacclimatized. I bolted with Jenny across thestreet for a wine and a smoke to take the edgeoff the drive so I could get into character andnot be spewing pure poison into the micro-phone for our first ever New York Hootenanny.

It seems like every time I get out of that car I'min some sort of rage.

Nice crowd for an early show. Chris Brown andKate Fenner played with us and Melwood andFord and our friends from Ireland, Prison Love,showed up and it was all over by 11pm so thenext show could start. Turns out a little fillynamed Norah Jones was gonna play a few BobWills tunes with her country band. I wanted totell her how much I liked her records but thesix Grammies kind of made it seem redundant.I mean, EVERYBODY likes her records. It mademe want to tell her that I couldn't stand them inhopes that she'd be so taken by my refreshingcandour that we could just get on with thebusiness of being friends. But I just stared.

After a lovely day off in Brooklyn, completewith backyard dinner with Chris Brown who issuch a righteous dude. He's always helpingsomeone. I bet there's a big old groove on thecall-waiting button on his phone.

Our friend Frank came ove and took Tolan toride the rolly coaster at Coney Island. I declinedand spent a wonderful afternoon on the phonearguing with a promoter in Edmonton. Thehighlight was when he paused and said, "Doyou know how much money I've lost putting onyour shows over the years?!" which I had toadmit kind of stung a little. My friend Geoffsuggested I offer to give him a tax receipt like acharity. Good Times and glamour, my friend.

We left Friday morning and headed back toWolfe Island to pick up our instruments andvisit with Virginia and all our spider friends butovershot the ferry by a good forty miles. Virgiewas working late so me and Tolan played gui-tars on the porch and actually learned up acouple of much needed New Songs accompa-nied by a chorus, led by Lenny the Dog, ofcats, coyotes and grasshoppers and whateverelse was out there. "How perfect to 'debut' inMontreal!" we thought. "Perhaps during the'encore'?" Tres amusant, n'est pas?

Got up early the next day and swam nude in themouth of the St. Lawrence in lieu of showeringwhich ruled except I kept thinking someonewas gonna see me and/or steal my clothes as aprank or something. Damn small town highschool, makin' me so paranoid....

Tolan drove and I spent the next five hours doz-ing in the back seat. When we got to Montrealand I got out on St Laurent, I felt really weird. Ifelt like I was going to die which, until thatmoment, I had thought was just an expression.People say it all the time. "I thought I was goingto die!" and I always nod knowingly so theywon't suspect that I am an alien. But this timeit's like I finally knew what all the humans weretalking about. I felt kind of pukey and crampyand retarded. My tongue was thick and myhands were swollen and it felt like my head wasfilled with bees. I thought it was just the LadiesPains 'cause that was going on too but wow, Ialmost thought of checking myself in which Inever think to do because I know if I were to goto a doctor they'd have me put down.

My friend Alexis came and got me and wesought comfort in the restorative powers ofvintage dress shopping at the street fair. I

scored two five-dollar gowns and felt a littlebetter. Then we went to the drugstore and gotsome Midol which I've never taken before andholy shit, turns out it's like pure speed whichmade me feel even weirder! I told Tolan I felt aserious bout of Tourette's coming on but youcan't expect someone else to know what itmeans when you tell them you're feeling crazy.Believe me. I've been on both sides of this.

My friend The Vampire always tells me howcrazy he is and I never believe him. I'm alwayslike, "Well you can't be that crazy if you're ableto tell me that you are." Someone really crazywould just be grunting or screaming likeHarvey Keitel crouched in the corner howlingwith indignation at the Universal Horror which,come to think of it is how my friend TheVampire ends up most evenings. I think maybeI'm going to start believing him.

Mental illness aside, the show was really fun.The Main Hall has great sound and Tolanplayed great and everyone loved him. Li'l Andyopened the show with style and we played to asmall yet appreciative 'crowd' before headingout into the night where, in the highest comedyof scheduling hilarity, we discovered LutherWright was playing up the street. I leapt uponthe unmanned piano to keep my hands busybut it was too loud to hear anything. The nextmorning, we attempted to stalk Leonard Cohenat Bagel Etc which we know to be one of hisfavourite haunts, eager to share with him ourawesome idea of how he can get his financesback into the black: He could simply pull aWillie Nelson and do a Taco Time commercial!We even came up with the campaign slogan —"I've seen the future and it's delicious." Voila.That oughtta put booze on the table. But therewas no sign of Lenny. Probably forced by hisaccountant cut down on the eating out nodoubt.

I located Tolan and we blazed to Toronto. Thistime Tolan slept in the back seat while I drove.Apparently a gin drinking contest had brokenout at our friend Larry's after the bar and Tolanwas still feeling the effects of his apparent vic-tory.

When we got to the back alley of TheHorseshoe Tavern, Tolan got out looking reallyfucking bizarre. Not hangover green. Not bloodpressure red. None of his usual colours, butkind of grey. Taupe maybe?

"I don't feel so good," he said.

"Kind of pukey and retarded?" I said, "That'show I felt YESTERDAY!"

We both looked at the back seat accusingly."Maybe there's an exhaust leak," we both said.Oh my God. Carbon Monoxide poisoning. Itmade perfect sense as the whole trip flashedbefore my eyes. New York. Kingston. Montreal.And now Toronto. We felt the weirdest after allthe longest drives. So I felt like I was going todie because I WAS GOING TO DIE! For somereason I felt vindicated that in no circle would Ibe considered a pussy based on my thresholdfor discomfort. When I told my friend Melissaabout it she laughed and said she found ittelling to note that the last thing we would thinkto blame our discomfort on would be an exter-nal force as a result of all the residual 'partyguilt.' But then she rang off explaining that shewas in the middle of an experiment where shewas attempting to harness the electricity ofhuman excitement and had just blown a fuse.For some reason I pictured nipple clamps, a carbattery, and a coffee grinder and shuddered.Guess she's feeling better.

ALSO OUT ONMINT RECORDSTHE EVAPORATORS –

Mutiny in Stereoon Lookout! outside

of Canada

ALSO OUT ON MINT RECORDSTHE BUTTLESS CHAPS – Love This Time

new album out in early 2006

THE GAY – You Know The Rules

ATOMIC 7 – En Hillbilly Calientealso: Gowns by Edith Head

left to right: Torben Wilson, Morgan McDonald, Lasse Lutick, Dave Gowans

tentative album cover ideas for the new Chaps album out in 2006

Canadian cultural icon and Duplex! memberVeda Hille sent a copy of the record to Mint,and it quickly ended up in the CD player ofour youngest A&R Rep, three year old SamBaker. Suffice to say that somewherebetween chants about salad tasting like dirt,ska-flavoured ditties about chromosomesand the eminently singable "Pooing &Peeing" this record quickly found a perma-nent place in the CD player… and the carCD player… you get the idea. We've alwaysbelieved that you gotta go with your guthere at Mint, and to see a three year oldtake instantly to this like a duckling to apuddle was all we needed. Frantic phonecalls were made and here we are.

Meet the gang:

Abe Caruso: age 3 – plays xylophone, har-monica, and rattles. Member of the AbeCaruso Project

Annie Wilkinson: age 37 – plays bass,Barry's Melodica. Member of Great AuntIda, the Beekeepers

Justin Kellam: age 32 – plays drums, per-cussion, and a dog. Member of Mintrecording artists P:ano

Matt Caruso: age 35 – plays guitar, man-dolin, and fake marimba. Member of theBeekeepers

Saoirse Soley: age 11 – plays electric guitar,organ, nose trumpet, and kielbasa. Memberof M. Michelle's Grade 6/7 class & theLeaky Heaven Circus

Shaun Brodie: age 25 – plays trumpet,euphonium, and tambourine. Member ofthe Neins, AC Newman

Sierra Terhoch: age 11 – plays piano, fakestrings, and maracas. Member of M.Michelle's Grade 6/7

Veda Hille: age 35 – plays piano, organ,casio, fake choir, and tenor guitar. Memberof herself

Everybody sings!

Fans of kids' entertainers like Dan Zanes (orfor that matter any parent who is sick ofsuffering at the hands of Elmo or Barney)owe it to themselves and their kids to giveDuplex! a spin. Word to your mother… andyour kids.

THE ORGANGRAB THAT GUNCD MRD-076 / LP MRL-076

Rumbling bass, stabbing guitars, andlead singer Katie Sketch’s devastating

lyrics.... The Organ’s sound is rain-lashedmelancholy, bleak but human, and neverless than beautiful. – Metro, London UK

...they do moody like only girls know how.It’s a talent, sure, but nowhere near as goodas their flair for fragile, eerie indie. – NME

For only being in their early 20s, the ladiesof post-punk outfit the Organ form a soundmuch wiser than their years.... Together, the

members of the Organ go beyond the slickstyle of Interpol for melodies more on parwith the Stills. In darkness you can see light,and that's exactly what the Organ wishes toimpress with this dynamic set. – Venus

The songs are hypnotic in their simplicityand sorrow, and when I get to the end Ipress play again, convinced I’ve missed acrucial detail. Like a further stripped-downversion of the Smiths and Joy Division, theOrgan invoke a feeling that dwells on miserybut searches for passion. – The Fader

...often quirky and unconventional, a recordfor daydreaming about broken hearts andbasement suites in winter. We wish we hadths intelligent and subtle music in highschool, when we needed something toexplain what we would be feeling throughmost of our 20s. – New York Times

With their rapturous and dirgelike melodies,they layer the commanding vocals ofDeborah Harry (without the glitz) over themopey elegance of a Smiths. – Time

a glistening fresh-caught tuna of spot-onnostalgia that casts the brightest of GrabThat Gun's fast-burning rays. – pitchforkmedia.com

www.theorgan.ca

NEKO CASETHE TIGERS HAVE SPOKENCD MRD-077ON ANTI INC OUTSIDE OF CANADA

Casting some tasty morsels to thosejonesing for a follow-up to 2002's phe-

nomenal Blacklisted, enterprising alt-countrysiren Neko Case's The Tigers Have Spokengoes way beyond your average live best-ofcomp. Drawn from shows backed by theSadies in Chicago and Toronto, Tigersincludes a selection of past faves, covers andnew tunes written specifically for the album –opener If You Knew is top-notch. Case defiesexpectations with smart song choices thatprove she's more than a country torchsinger, ranging from the Shangri-Las' TrainFrom Kansas City to trad gospel and BuffySainte-Marie tunes. ...the fidelity of Tigers iscrystal-clear and captures Case at her best. –NOW, Toronto

"Live album" is the biggest oxymoron inmusic. Even the most primal perform-

ance documents are meticulously mixed,overdubbed, subjected to re-takes, or – as anold myth about Kiss Alive! suggests –pumped up with crowd noise from MondayNight Football.In her songs, Neko Case has always blurred

the real with the mythic, so it's fitting that theL-word is conspicuously downplayed on thepackaging for The Tigers Have Spoken, eventhough hundreds of Torontonians bore wit-ness to much of its recording this past Aprilduring two weekends of shows at Lee'sPalace and after-hours haunt The Matador.

(The rest was recorded at Schuba's inChicago.)The hoedowns boasted a veritable Last Waltz

cavalcade of famous friends, including con-summate backing band The Sadies, singersCarolyn Mark and Kelly Hogan, pedal-steelspecialist Jon Rauhouse and former ShadowyMen guitarist Brian Connelly, among others.And anyone who attended remembers that theshows felt more like a TV-show taping than acathartic kicking-out of jams, with the naturalmomentum of a live show sacrificed in favourof doing extra takes of songs, with the playersand audience seemingly conscious of therolling tape.The music on The Tigers Have Spoken – a

combination of new originals, old faves andclassic covers – reflects this discipline. Giventhat Case toured Blacklisted with a stripped-down, drum-less trio, Tigers sounds practical-ly Spectorish on impact – opener "If YouKnew" and a rollicking cover of The Shangri-Las' "Train from Kansas City" ring out like pureAM radio gold; Case's harmonizing withHogan and Mark on Catherine Irwin's "Hex"and the gorgeous title track acheive a heaven-ly gospel grace.The performances are so poised and pris-

tine, you don't really feel anyone break asweat until the second act, when Case andThe Sadies trade barbs on a cover of "Loretta"by '70s Boston garage-rockers The NervousEaters. But it's clear that the point of this exer-cise was not to capture Case in the raw but toexploit the ambient qualities of a full-band per-formance in a large club. On her previousrecordings, Case was as interested in manipu-lating space and atmosphere for effect as shewas in belting out melodies to fill them, andThe Tigers Have Spoken is no different. For alive record, it's a stellar studio album. – eye,Toronto

www.nekocase.com

YOUNG AND SEXYLIFE THROUGH ONE SPEAKERCD MRD-070 / LP MRL-070

AND COMING IN FEBRUARY 2006:PANIC WHEN YOU FIND ITCD MRD-089

Life Through One Speaker [young andsexy’s second album] is full of tunes about

being older and wiser, sung with the bitterconviction of those still on the near side of30. The invasive tunes are full of worried self-assurance and pregnant pauses, and thearrangements look complexity in the face,and pronounce it good. The reverberantvocals, by Lucy Brain and chief songwriterPaul Hixon Pittman, suit the involved-but-dis-tant stance of the material. It's perfect listen-ing for a rainy afternoon in the band's home-town of Vancouver, or any time when wisdomlooks to be a sneaky euphemism for disap-pointment. – Globe and Mail

www.youngandsexy.org

Mint Records releases are distributed in the USA by NAIL Distribution www.naildistribution.comand in Canada by Outside Music www.outside-music.com and Scratch Distribution www.scratchrecords.com

Mint Records distributed in Canada by...

www.outside-music.com

Toronto went well. We reunited with Our Garthon the drums and NQ Arbuckle opened andtheir new songs are awesome and they've gotquite the ambitious new lighting guy at TheHorseshoe now so it all felt rather epic.

At the sound check, someone noticed that wewere down a bass player and Basil from BlueRodeo was summoned and man, the dude is asoldier. Fearless. Throwing himself into thefront lines of our chord changes like that. Whatwas he thinking? Perhaps the man was onsome sort of suicide mission. I don't know buthats off to Basil!

We played two big sets and I ended lying downand hanging my head off the end of the stagesinging upside down during the Elvis explosionfinale and it made me think of old times withThe Vinaigrettes. Before I played guitar and justdanced. Well, pointed mostly.

The promoter was AWOL so we got paid lessthan I was expecting which also made me thinkof old times. Well, most times actually.

ACTUALLY, most times are reminding me ofother times these days. Like the fifth and lasttime I ever did acid. I noticed we were talkingabout the other times we'd done acid WHILEWE WERE ON ACID so it just seemed kind ofredundant. Like talking about food while you'reeating. Or talking about touring when you're ontour. Or talking about drinking while drinking. Ilike singing about drinking though. It feelsmore noble. I love all those 'bar room asprison' metaphor songs. Oh my god, now I'mwriting about talking about singing about drink-ing while drinking. O The Layers! I'm wonder-ing if it's too late now to change The Script?Shit, that could be scary. I know all my linesnow.

People can get used to anything.

Worse, they can become nostalgic for anything.I have been wild for too long to start workingfor anyone else. I mostly get paid for beingmyself. And the self that used to pride itself onbeing so spontaneous, as accommodating aswater, now feels as though it's starting to hard-en into just a bag of habits and one liners. It'sall parlour tricks for catnip as my friend Edused to say. What I'm doing is a lot of peoples'dream. The difference is that usually it's kept asa dream. And fantasies aren't generally thatwell thought out — "I'll just kill the husbandand then she'll love me forever!" or "Wait untilI'm dead. Then they'll be sorry!" etc. TheFantasy of Playing Carnegie Hall doesn't factorin the twelve years of touring, or any of the leadup. It's just that moment.

In the fantasy version, it would of course beSaturday night and you would be headliningand you would have no memory of the twelvehour drive or the border crossing or all thosehours you spent learning your instrument orthinking homicidal thoughts about your band-mates. In the fantasy, somehow you just mirac-ulously know what to do and you would totally

win over the sold out crowd who'd adore youand be familiar with your work and it would feellike your mother folding you into a warm towelafter the bath. Most of my friends know whichpart to keep as the fantasy. These are the antswho will take in this grasshopper in The Fallwhen she realizes that there indeed was a later— that The Future was real and not just a con-spiracy to keep people in line. Well I'm hopingthey will anyway.

Right now, I'm having a date with myself in thishotel room in Seattle. Yup. Using the soap dishas an ashtray. "But I thought you were athome?" you say incredulously. Yeah well, sodid I. There's just this one show, see? Presentrelocation be damned, I feel like I want to finishthe story.

The last day of the tour. Quiet on the set.

Take One. Rolling. Speed. Action:

After our show at The Horseshoe, our drummerGarth, to celebrate the proximity of his houseto the bar, had a party. In the seven block drivewe got to relive a condensed version of all ourpast tours. I was sober. Garth and Tolan andFord were all crammed amidst the gear in thebackseat drunkenly arguing about how to getthere and I had to parallel park The New Yorkerright in front of a benchful of screaming fratboyz who had stationed themselves in front ofthe house. "Are you guys Blue Rodeo?!" theyscreamed viciously when they laid their beadyeyes on Ford's keyboard and silver temples.

Once we were safely inside with the drinkspoured, we of course stayed up way too latepost-morteming the show and figuring out theworld. "You were great. No. You were great.Holy shit is it five?"

The next 'morning', Bernard our EasternEnabler helped me return Derek's car. (Derek, ifyou're reading this, I didn't want to tell youabout the exhaust leak lest you mark us asingrates. Also, I thought it very unlikely thatyou would spend five hours in the back seat of'The Cherry Bomb' with the thing in motionwhich is when you start to notice that you'refeeling weird and without you we're nothing etcbut Darling, I'm telling you now.)

We ended up down at The Harbourfront (fullcircle or what?) and chartered a water taxi totake us to our last show. The Toronto IslandJamboree which is an annual event held in apagoda style hall. The weather was perfect andthe men had purchased one of those balsawood airplanes that you wind up with an elasticband and were immediately flanked by an armyof children eager to do their every bidding inexchange for the chance of winding the pro-peller. A pug named George made sweet love toseveral paper plates and our set went well andthe people danced and we initiated yet anotherbass player. This one, I believe, went by thename Mr. Tickle. I am starting to see the impor-tance of these people.

Later we watched Brian Connelly's band TheAtomic 7. They are an instrumental trio knownfor their extensive practising and artful segues.Bernard turned to me and wondered aloud ifBrian ever thought about the words when hewas playing. I think definitely not. With him it'sall about melody and tone and in most musicthose damn words just get in the way of thePrecious Guitar. Like I keep saying, a well cho-sen occupation masks the lurking fetishes sofor a perfectionist in love with tone, an instru-mental band is the perfect forum. He is theembodiment of class but not in the usual "Couldyou fuck off with the perfect for a second?" Heis just so lovely that watching him makes youwant to become a better person. That night Iwas struck by the revelation that a band ismade up of people essentially all just rooting fortheir own teams. The drummer wants to hit thegoddamn Drums but the singer's always mak-ing him wait while she sings the all importantLyrics and the bass player has a whole differentagenda and so on.

And you're all supposed to work together?Hilarious. Someone brought up the part in thatStanding in the Shadows of Motown moviewhere they ask the drummer about what it waslike to record all the Motown hits and all hetalks about is the drum fills — "Badaba baboom diddly boom — Now that's an intro!" —because that's his perspective. I bet if youasked any of my bandmates what happened onthe last tour their answers would all be differ-ent. Like if you were to ask a monkey about histravels in the jungle he'd probably tell you allabout the bananas and what a great time he hadbecause there were so many bananas. But ifyou asked the anteater he might say with a sigh,"Oh it was okay I suppose. Not a lot of antsthough..." And perhaps some of the animalsnever find their natural habitat and are constant-ly disappointed and just become sort ofresigned. "Yup. I knew it. No ants again..."Maybe some mutate. " I guess these bananasaren't so bad." I'm thinking it'll be good for thismonkey to stay home for a while. Turns outthey ain't kidding when they say that you candie from exposure.

I just found a quote by a man named LeroyRobert 'Satchel' Paige (1906-1982): "Go verylight on the vices, such as carrying on in socie-ty. The social ramble ain't restful."

You said a mouthful, Satch.

I'm gonna go see the penguin movie. After that,I guess I'll just wait for The Director, that bigCecil B. DeMille in the sky to hand me the newscript. Even though I know better.

We are all our own directors.

Thank you New York. Don't forget to drinkwater and try to get some sleep.

– Carolyn Mark

Many many more tour diaries by Carolyn Markare available online at www.mintrecs.com

We made it to Toronto last night. I askedRigby and Tolan to make sure I got to bed

at a decent hour but can see now in the clearlight of morning that they may have been thelast people on earth I should have asked to per-form handler duties...

It made me really miss my friend Shawna whoturned out to be a great handler last weekend atthe Edmonton Folk Fest offering such thought-ful and timely suggestions as "Aren't you goingto be wanting your guitar?" every time we leftgood old room 815 at The Airport Ramada.

I got midnight drunk and tried to get MarthaWainwright to hula hoop with me side stageduring Mavis Staples but she declined. I dis-tinctly remember her unclasping her wrist frommy fingers. The next morning there werereports of Our Martha missing the morningworkshop due to "guitar technicalities." Hmm.Strange.

I emceed on the Friday night and was told bySteve Earle's people that the man required nointroduction. I said I knew all about that fromNOT introducing him last year in Calgary. Soafter the 70 year old French Canadian fiddlerfinished I went backstage to get my purse anda hula hoop or something and Steve's roadmanager leans down from the stage and shouts"There's no work for you here!" and points tothe tent exit. I felt like a matchgirlwhoreclown.(I was in the red polka dot dress). I swear Icould feel a big red nose appearing on face andmy shoes lengthening as I moped out of thetent and spent the rest of the night in a moodtrying to think of all the scathing comebacks Icould have laid on his yankee ass: "I was get-ting my purse asshole!" or "Well I could showyou a little contract here that would prove thatthere is indeed Work For Me Here, Mister!"

Ooh. I was so mad. Does he think that I wasborn with a burning desire to introduce peopleanyway? Or that after my juggling act I'd try tostuff My Demo down Steve's modern Levi'swhile begging to be taken on tour. Jesus dar-ling, I'd rather be singing, and if I was like that,I'd go to The Source and stalk Prine. He seemslike way more fun.

I guess the part that struck a nerve was realiz-ing that I am just another clown wanting to betaken seriously.

Well, to continue on the petulant asshole front,Ryan Adams took the stage wearing the hugestsunglasses and hiding behind his moppy hair.He played about twenty minutes of distortionwith his band (chick bass player) and aftersome cryptic banter about morphine andorange peels, he announced "This one's aboutfucking a whore!" to the Saturday-evening-sun-set-families-on-tarps crowd and their little facesjust fell. It was funny for like a second becausehe was probably thinking "I'm in fuckingCanada. Who cares?" whilst everyone there wasadjusting their monacles and thinking "This isthe Edmonton Folk Festival! Show somerespect lad!"

A funny person could have gottenaway with it but I don't think Ryan

Adams is a funny person. He was so mean itjust made everyone there feel terrible and Ithought of all the people I knew back homewho were dying to see him and all the goodtimes we've had listening to his records. Youshouldn't be so careless with peoples' love. Icould almost hear Leeroy Stagger's heartbreaking when I told him the story.

Apparently at his Vancouver show after a tenminute diatribe about the non-smoking laws helaid into the lady bass player for like ten min-utes until she got on the mike and said"Apparently I'm going to go fuck myself rightnow." Could he be working some kind ofAmerican Performance art angle? Entertain inorder to destruct? I think not. Why would yougo out of your way to make the people whocame to see you feel so uncomfortable? Maybethe man just hates himself. But which camefirst?

John Prine and Alejandro Escovedo were thererepresenting the overbite contingent. Alejandrolooked like a sexy praying mantis and waswearing rust suede pants and an infant.Hilarious side note: I saw him in the beer tentand suddenly remembered playing like threebenefits for the man's ailing liver and thoughthe was wearing some sort of organ compressor hot water bottle until I laid my theory onMark Davis of Old Reliable who looked overand said "Um.... That's a baby." Silly me.

Shawna and I mostly hung out with TheWeakerthan boys and Tom from Old Reliable —all the sweet spindly poets. It's like you wannaoffer to carry their books.

My friend Luann has taken up jogging, smokingand tanning to replace The Drinking whileSuzanne has blossomed into full blown methwhore looking just like one of those twitchyVancouver ladies. She took me into the bath-room and lifted up her tiny dress to reveal bikershorts underneath saying "I've got my (slap!)ASS COVERED!" She speaks only in metaphorsand paranoia now. Her best line came out whenshe was telling me that crack dealers had poi-soned three of her cats. I was wary becausecrack dealers don't seem to be that motivated,unless of course they're trying to find morecrack, and Cuckoo the Siamese was like a hun-dred when I first met Suzanne. Apparently thereplacement kitty was named Friday by herdaughter and so the moment Suzanne turnedto me and said "I spent thousands of dollarskeeping Friday alive!" shall be forever etched inmy mind.

I bet you did honey. I bet you did.

It feels like my mission is to keep the carbetween those two ditches — betweenSuzanne and Luann — constantly monitoringthe gauge to make sure the needle isn't pinnedto the red on either side. Mavis Staples was allfucked up on old age and has no high end leftand kind of sounds like Bill Cosby, but shelooks fantastic. Plus what else is she gonnado? Everyone factors in their own mortalitywhen reviewing her. "I thought it was prettygood," they say nervously, hoping that people

will cut them this much slack when they get oldand still want to rock.

While Mavis unveiled her her new song "God isNot Sleeping!" a huge fork of lightening lit upthe night sky which was pretty impressiveproving there's life in the old girl yet.

Unlike the Dawson City or Calgary festivals,they didn't keep me very busy — one work-shop and one night of emceeing. ("There's nowork for you here!") And it's a huge festival.It's the Big One. Like ten thousand people andsixty acts. They basically paid me to partywhich I guess to some would be living thedream but us farm girls know that drinks tasteso much better after chores so I went into totown and played Saturday afternoon at theBlack Dog with John Guliak and Phil fromVermont on guitar who totally rules and had ablast and played for three hours to twelve peo-ple drinking pilsner thinking "Yesss, back tonormal."

So now I'm here in T- dot trying to be good.The men are 'round the pub talking about gearand slurring. I just had a beverage called TheLiver Flush from some yuppie purveyor ofgreens health chain outlet and oh boy. Maybe itwas too sudden. Sweating, gut ache. burpingginger. Shouldn't have messed with the formulathis late in the game. It's all about the mainte-nance now.

Ah, I'm sure it'll wear off by morning.

Twangfest was pretty nice except they used theold 'legs in the air' photo for the poster andPhotoshopped in a jaunty blue line drawn cow-boy hat. Yeesh. And it was everywhere. Like Imean on buses and billboards and television! ASex in the City moment but without the sex.And, you know, country.

September 1.

Damn. And I was hoping for an Indian Summer.(First Nations summer now is it?) I'm in thekitchen bright and early still on Ontario time Iguess cuddled up to a cup of coffee and shiver-ing in my Indian sweater (Indigenous sweater?Who knows?) All I know is that if I'm still threehours ahead maybe it would be technically okayto allow myself a cigarette this disgustinglyearly.... Just this once I swear. I'll hold off for abit to savour the exquisite torture of desiredenied.... Ah, who am I kidding? Hello, lighter.Hello, Benson. Good Morning, Hedges. Oh Icould never stay mad at you guys. Take my firstborn (Please!) and my last breath. Do what youwill with me you devils but mess with the faceand the deal's off, got it? This morning'saddress apparently is to serve a two-fold pur-pose. Randy, my editor, who moonlights as thehead of Mint Records has asked me to pen alittle something for a 'zine' he intends to dis-tribute 'round New York during the prestigiousCMJ festival this fall. I shan't be attending thisyear as it is an honour I dream not of. Well,that and since us musician types are so famousfor our ambition and foresight, I shall at thattime be releasing my duets album at a hall inVancouver.

A Carolyn Mark Touir Diary!AUGUST — TEARS BEHIND THE VELVET

HELLO NEW YORK! The Continuing Adventures of a Boozy Chanteuse. August 2005.

Carolyn MarkSat Sep 17, Cambrian Hall,Vancouver BCThu Sep 29, Old Ironsides,Sacramento CA (with VictoriaWilliams and The BermudaTriangle Service)Fri Sep 30, 12 Galaxies, SanFrancisco CA (with VictoriaWilliams and The BermudaTriangle Service)Sat Oct 1, The Starry Plough,Berkeley CA (with VictoriaWilliams and The BermudaTriangle Service)

Carolyn Mark’s WesternHootenanny RevueCarolyn with Jenny Whiteley,Luther Wright, Hank Pine & LilyFawn, Shuyler Jansen, and manymore!Wed Oct 12, Twin Butte eneral Store, Twin Butte, ABThu Oct 13, The Ironwood,Calgary, ABFri Oct 14, The Tongue andGroove, Lethbridge, ABSat Oct 15, The Powerplant,Edmonton, ABSun Oct 16, The Arts Centre,Golden, BCMon Oct 17, The Artstation,Fernie, BCTue Oct 18, Little Slocan Lodge,Slocan Valley, BCWed Oct 19, The Opera House,Ashcroft BCThu Oct 20, The Central Bar,Victoria, BCFri Oct 21, Creekside Theatre,Lake Country, BCSat Oct 22, Ukrainian Hall,Vancouver, BCSun Oct 23, The Abbey,Cumberland, BC

ALSO OUT ON MINT RECORDSTHE EVAPORATORS – Ripple Rockon Alternative Tentacles outside

of Canada

JOHN GULIAK – 7 Stories and 13 Songs

THE SADIES – 2-song French 7”8

Actually I was just in New York City. Wewormed our way into the core of the Big Appleonce again. Our first New York Hootenanny.Went well. Dozens rejoiced. Norah Jones wasthere. Picked and grinned until the wee hoursin Chris Brown's backyard in Brooklyn. LutherWright's latest girlfriend brought a selection ofcheeses, bless her. And the next day when theothers had left, Tolan and I got to record back-up vocals on some guy’s record in bed! Amicrophone was brought to us and we oohedand aahed into its awaiting diaphragm adrift ona sea of cushions and cat hair. Now that'sglamour, my friend!

This tour started on August 11 when Tolan andI flew to Toronto and met up with Agent Rigbyat the airport. Our mission? To play at an eventcalled T.O. Twangfest which was held down atthe Harbourfront Centre. Us and all our "rootsy"friends — Luther Wright, NQ Arbuckle, LukeDoucet, The Sadies, The Brothers Cosmoline,The Rizdales, Atomic 7, Nathan etc. got to strutour stuff in more glamourous settings than weare usually accustomed. A fine idea.

Everyone rose to the challenge and soundedfantastic. Boy when you can really hear thewords it makes all the difference. Suddenlyeveryone feels included so the battle is halfwon before the war even starts. Unlike theother bands, our invitation came with thecaveat that I would emcee for four daysbecause I guess someone told The Man that Iwas good at it. Who are these people? I mean,I guess I'm good at it but only when there areno rules and they just want me for me but byday three, having to thank the Government ofCanada and the State of Texas (this year's doorprize sponsor — "First prize is a trip to Texas.Second prize? Two trips to Texas!" threatenedto slip off my tongue with every glance at theclipboard) became a task far more odious thanwaitressing. But I wore a wig and danced to allour friends' bands in the sunshine by the waterand our friend Dan who sings with TheBrothers Cosmoline and writes The Best LyricsEver took us all out for fancy pants dinner onthe Canadian Songwriters Association tab atthis restaurant where all the food was tiny andvertical and the men were drinking white wine.

To my horror my last two tour-mates (We'll callthem Luther and Neville) were seated danger-ously close to each other. I've toured with bothof them a lot this year but SEPARATELY and sowithin moments they started, within earshot, todissect my mysterious ways and alarming snip-pets wafted on the wind to my bionic ear ("Doyou find that she is like this?") as they sippedaway at the pinot grigio while I pretended totalk to Dan about his work. This was a mostalarming tableau to behold especially when Iwas unable to even seek the usual comfort ofvoluntary oblivion in the gleaming carafe offree(!) Smoking Loon that loomed before meas my motor skills were still required later thatevening to introduce the bafflingly legendaryBilly Joe Shaver and announce the raffle win-ners. What fresh modern hell is this? I am toooften the executor of my own perfect torment.

Oh dear. Forgive me, New York. I fear I havebecome the deranged swaggard at the cocktailparty holding you hostage with my ramblingtales famous for their huge casts and scantplots. I suggest you simply change the namesto those of people you do know like whenyou're reading a Russian play and think of it alllike a giant metaphor. Or is it AS a giantmetaphor. Oh dear, now that's a simile isn't it?Shit, where were we? Ah yes. Toronto.

Twangfest.

I emceed for like a week straight and now Ican't stop introducing people. Got a tonguelashing from The Organizer for skipping somesponsors on the list because I got too excitedabout The Sadies starting to make it throughthe whole damn list.

Unfortunately the tongue lashing occurred justas I was about to take the stage for my concertwith my sweet and rehearsed men who werevamping in a professional R and B fashion sothere were a few tears behind the velvet.(Alternate Biography title perhaps — TearsBehind the Velvet: Tales of a Boozy Chanteuse?It's that or Tomatoes on the Side: The CarolynMark Story.)

Ah, whatever. Subsequent interaction with TheOrganizer revealed that it was his first year run-ning the show. Turns out he was really sick andfeverish too. Go another layer down and thedude is a former teamster so is all about how'people should WORK when you're payingthem.' Good luck with them artists, bud.Though he was quick to pull out the Art SchoolCard when I commented on this fact, I knowthat he is an alien even if he doesn't.

We did get to stay at The Sheraton on theLakeshore for three nights — albeit rightbeside the Fetal Alcohol Family.

By the end of the third day we had totally over-dosed on the country music so me and Rigbyand Tolan had a hotelivision night instead ofgoing to the wrap-up jam at The Camerondespite the lure of an unmanned piano. My kid-neys offered me an ultimatum too, along thelines of "Go there and we're leaving!" and foronce I was listening.

Rigby left this afternoon so it's down to me andFord and Tolan.

Spent a couple of days on the wagon strollingaround Toronto and charming My BiographerDerek into lending us his Chrysler New Yorkerfor two weeks. "But Darling, if we have no car,this part of the story will just be a write-off,don't you see?"

We had just passed the mandatory emissionstest and affixed the insurance sticker whenDerek, who still had control of the wheel, said,"So my ex-girlfriend got married and had ababy four months after she broke up with me."I said, "I just found out my mother's been hav-ing dizzy spells and hiding it from everybody."Just then we got pulled over by the cops forrunning a red. Good thing we had the sticker.We played in London at a beautiful theatrecalled The Aeolian Hall. So pretty. Red velvetcurtains, a Steinway for Ford. They said I couldplay it if I promised to not, and I quote, play itWITH MY ASS like last time and the last showof this spring's Hootenanny Tour came floodingback to me in a Proustian rush. The sound mandid an amazing job on the vocals.

Dan Walsh from Fred Eaglesmith's band who isthe former president of the Ontario TruckersUnion joined us on the dobro and made ussound like real musicians.

Day four of no drinks and it feels okay. I'm sav-ing up for the full moon in Wakefield where weget to stay upstairs and nobody has to drive.On Thursdays I goes wild! We got back toToronto just in time to miss Dallas Good of theSadies who was DJing at Mitzie's Sister but wehung out with him on the back patio for a whileand he told me that he was born without a ster-num and let me feel his unprotected heart.

Next stop: Peterborough. Opening for TheSilver Hearts at a cute place called The Cinema

which was one. After nearly packing it in, The'Hearts are back in stride and had just recordedan album with Deadly Snakes' singer AndreEtier. A genius idea. Since they are a twelvepiece band they need to be led by a leaderwho's not one of them to get them all facing inthe same direction without anyone feeling com-promised. We stayed up late on Kelly's porchand they excitedly played us all their newsongs. I'm so glad they didn't break up as theyare magic together. Washboard Hank's youngred-headed daughter kept trying to get Tolan totake her to the rock quarry and came back withbleeding legs claiming that he had pushed herdown a cliff. Tolan looked at me and mouthedthe word "Help!" from behind his guitar. Butthen she passed out in the armchair.

After a three day reunion with The HootenannyCrew with a genuine kook named MelwoodCutlery who writes haunting and beautifulsongs but is prone to furtive late night armstroking and a relaxed and summery AmyHoney thrown into the mix this time. Oh yeah,and a typhoon-sized storm which submergedseveral on-ramps and had our man Ford arriv-ing in Kingston, pale and visibly shaken fromhis voyage, we all ended up on Wolfe Island atVirginia the Witchfarmer's house.

Wolfe Island is a crazy place indeed. So closeto Kingston, yet surprisingly rural with itsswirling open skies, pastures of forgotten haybales and an outhouse resembling the finalscene in Kingdom of Spiders. Even WilliamShatner himself might have for once, consider-ing the odds, taken the road less dramatic, andrelieved himself outside.

It has of late become difficult to diagnosewhich physical symptoms are the result of theresidual mistreatment and which are curable. Iam referring to the difference between volun-tary experimentation versus downright poison-ing. Since you'd have to be sort of fucked up todo any of this, it's easy for the lines to becomeblurred. When something feels really wrong, itis interesting to note that the initial reaction issomething like, "Well I'm surprised this hasn'thappened sooner." Or "Wow, at last a sign thatthere are some parameters in place here!" WhatI am leading up to is that when Tolan arose themorning after Wolfe Island he was puffed up tothrice his normal size.

Indeed, Tolan was swollen. And of course,everyone became instant experts on the matter.

"I think I was bitten by a spider," said Tolan.

"Nah. That's Swimmers Itch!" said someoneauthoritatively.

"It's hives I tell you. Hives!" said Ford who suf-fers.

In any event, the dude looked like a crossbetween the Elephant Man, the kid from Maskand (how's this for an obscure reference?)Keefer Sutherland after Reese Witherspoongoes to town on him in Freeway 2. DanWhiteley suggested that since we come fromOut West, our immune systems are just plainill-suited to the foreign Ontario atmosphere —like we were from another planet or something,which explains why we don't know what thehell they're saying around here half the timebut that's a whole other rant. Wait until this fallwhen we show our cousins from Back East themajesty of mould and silverfish that the damp-ness brings and see how ye fare me hearties!

That morning we were on our way to theAnnual Fred Eaglesmith Picnic whichis held on a Nature Preserve nearAylmer. Tolan said he felt up to going

The New Pornographers with Immaculate Machine on tour with DestroyerThu Sep 22, Sugar, Victoria BCFri Sep 23, Commodore Ballroom, Vancouver BCSat Sep 24, Showbox, Seattle WASun Sep 25, Wonder Ballroom Portland ORTue Sep 27, Bimbo's 365 Club, San Francisco CAWed Sep 28, Bimbo's 365 Club, San Francisco CAThu Sep 29, Henry Fonda Theatre, Los Angeles BCFri Sep 30, Belly Up, San Diego CASat Oct 1, Rialto Theater, Tucson AZMon Oct 3, Gothic Theater, Denver COWed Oct 5, Granada, Lawrence KSThu Oct 6, Mississsippi Nights, St Louis MOFri Oct 7, Southgate House, Newport KYSat Oct 8, Club Soda, Kalamazoo MISun Oct 9, The Phoenix, Toronto ONMon Oct 10, Cabaret La Tulipe, Montreal QCTue Oct 11, The Roxy, Boston MAWed Oct 12 & Thu Oct 13, Webster Hall, New York NYFri Oct 14, Trocadero, Philadelphia PASat Oct 5, 9:30 Club, Washington DCSun Oct 16, Cat's Cradle, Carrboro NCMon Oct 17, Variety Playhouse, Atlanta GATue Oct 18, Mercy Lounge, Nashville TNThu Oct 20, The Metro, Chicago ILSat Oct 22, First Avenue, Minneapolis MNwww.thenewpornographers.com

The OrganSun Sep 18, Ear to the Ground, Toronto ON Mon Sep 19, Casbah, Hamilton ON (w/Gentleman Reg) Tue Sep 20, Call the Office, London ON (w/Gentleman Reg) Wed Sep 21, The Avalon, Windsor ON (w/Gentleman Reg) Thu Sep 22, Estrojam, Chicago IL Mon Sep 26, Line Spider, Akron OH (w/the Ponys) Wed Sep 28–Sat Oct 8, venue tba, city tba NJ/NY Sun Oct 9, Maxwell's, Hoboken NJ Mon Oct 10, Middle East Club, Cambridge MA Wed Oct 12, Sala Rossa, Montreal, QC Thu Oct 13, Grad Club, Kingston ON Fri Oct 14, Starlight Room, Waterloo ON Sat Oct 15, Trasheteria, Peterborough ON Tue Oct 18, WECC, Winnipeg MB Wed Oct 19, The Exchange, Regina SK Thu Oct 20, ACAD, Calgary AB

Fri Oct 21, venue tba, Kamloops BC Sat Oct 22, venue tba, city tba Wed Oct 26, ULU, London UKThu Oct 27, Liars Club, Nottingham UKSat Oct 29, Les Rockmotives, Vendome FranceTue Nov 1, Waterats, London UKThu Nov 3, Grand Mix, Tourcoing FranceFri Nov 4, Inrocks Festival, Paris FranceSat Nov 5, Antipode, Rennes FranceWed Nov 9, Lune Des Pirates, Aiens FranceSat Nov 10, Festival Musiques Volantes, Metz FranceTue Nov 15, Bivouac, Lincoln UK*Wed Nov 16, Fez, Reading UK*Thu Nov 17, University SU, Leicester UK*Fri Nov 18, Arts Centre, Salisbury UK*Sat Nov 19, Leadmill, Sheffield UK*Sun Nov 20, Sheperd’s Bush Empire, London UK** supporting The Wedding Presentwww.theorgan.ca

Immaculate MachineSun Oct 23, Small's, Detroit MITue Oct 25, Middle East Club, Cambridge MAWed Oct 26, Studio 112, Saint John NBThu Oct 27, The Paramount, Moncton NBFri Oct 28, George's Roadhouse, Sackville NSSat Oct 29, Stage Nine, Halifax NSSun Oct 30, venue tba, Sydney NSMon Oct 31, Brennan's, Charlottetown PEITue Nov 1, venue tba, Fredericton NBWed Nov 2, Le Divan Orange, Montreal QCThu Nov 3, venue tba, city tba ONFri Nov 4, venue tba, North Bay ONSat Nov 5, Townhouse Tavern, Sudbury ONMon Nov 7, venue tba, Ottawa ONTue Nov 8, Trasheteria, Peterborough ONWed Nov 9, venue tba, Toronto ONThu Nov 10, venue tba, Waterloo ONFri Nov 11, O’Grady’s, Toronto ONSat Nov 12, Call the Office, London ONMon 14, venue tba, Winnipeg MBTue 15, O'Hanlon's, Regina SKWed 16, venue tba, Saskatoon SKThu 17, Broken City, Calgary ABFri 18, Sidetrack, Edmonton ABSat 19, venue tba, city tba ABwww.immaculatemachine.com

TOUR DATES! SUBJECT TO CHANGE! FOR MOST UP-TO-DATE, GO TO WWW.MINTRECS.COM

www.exclaim.ca

Canada’s bible for emerging music culture

9

Yeah, that's true. But he's not part of our club.It's just Elijah and I. If you want to get in the treehouse we have to do certain things to you. Wehave to haze you and there's a Hell Week youhave to go through. Nobody's willing to do it.There's nobody else? Come on! Fred Armisenshould be allowed in there. You've done come-dy with him, can't he be in the punker treehouse?Nope, nope, nope.David Cross, you have thrown out many allu-sions to punk rock and rock 'n' roll over yourcareer. I'm not so sure about that. On Mr. Show, you had a character called Dr.Shattuck. Was that not a reference to KimShattuck of the band The Muffs? Very good. Yeah, that was. In fact, everybody inthat sketch, there was Dr. Ballance, who's LauraBallance from Superchunk, there was KimShattuck from The Muffs and there was anotherfemale musician I can't remember.And you also had a skit called Smoosh, I think,all about Radiohead! No, no, no. It wasn't Radiohead, that was Oasis.Sorry!It was something about Oasis doing… In your face! [laughs]I tried! No [laughs] , it was based on Oasis.An Oasis interview, right?Yeah. Well, an amalgamation of all of them. It wasBob's idea. Bob Odenkirk has a secret schoolgirlcrush on Oasis. He’s absolutely enamoured withthem. I mean, they're a good band but he's readall the pulp bios and stuff. I'm not making this up.He loves Oasis and loves their antics. He's justtickled by them and he's the one that came upwith idea for that sketch. And it was really prettymuch Oasis.David Cross, another connection, WickedScepter. Was that inspired by gay rockers,Pansy Division?No, it wasn't. My friend Mark Rivers and whowrote the theme to Mr. Show show and appearsin season four as Information Jimmy. He and Iwere driving across the country, from Boston toL.A., and it was right after the Pamela-TommyLee tape had come out. We were just riffing in thecar and I'm pretty sure it was his idea, we werejust riffing on it. We were talking about it being atape of him and the other guys in the band, butthey didn't understand why people thought theywere gay and he was just having a good time,partying. So we took that idea and made it into awhole thing.David Cross, you also did the Underground TapeRailroad. Was that inspired by MetallicaDrummer, the legendary videotape?No, it was inspired by all those tapes that werefloating around, that have been floating around,since the '80s. I had that Bud Dwyer tape in '84-'85.David Cross, you're from Atlanta, Georgia.There's a wrestler based in Atlanta, Georgiacalled Abdullah The Butcher. Do you knowAbdullah The Butcher at all?Yeah! He's got a BBQ place right by the airport.I'm not kidding! That is a real thing! You thinkI'm joking? Yeah, you better not! He does have aBBQ place…An all-beef BBQ place, right?There's mostly pork, not beef. Some chicken. Butin the South it tends to be mostly pork, unlessyou're in Kentucky when it's mutton or lamb. Andthen in Texas, that's where the beef is.And Jake "The Snake" Roberts is anotherwrestler. He's from Atlanta too, isn't he?Could be.He's from Stone Mountain, Georgia. What's the

deal on Stone Mountain Georgia?Have you been there?It's like the confederate Mount Rushmore,right?Yeah, that's what they call it. It's, I believe, thelargest rock outcropping of a massive rock onthis planet. It's like the size of two Stanley Parks(park in Vancouver), even bigger than that. It'sthis huge thing that some fucking asshole wentand carved a thing of Robert E. Lee and someconfederate soldiers. A lot of the Klan was basedthere up to about 20 years ago. There was aheavy Klan, obviously more so in the '50s andprior to that, but now it's a suburban town. Andthey have a laser light show that makes it looklike they're galloping. It's kinda cool but also silly. It's heard it’s like laser Zeppelin, you go back atnight and hear Zeppelin.Yeah. It’s true. It looks like they animate the hors-es as they ride to nothing. Nothing ever appears.Unless they start carving a battle scene it's justthe horses sort of moving to, I guess, defeat?David Cross, you're here in Vancouver, BritishColumbia, Canada, supposedly. However,you're not at the location of one of yourfavourite movies ever, Cotton Candy. What canyou tell the people about Cotton Candy?That was a movie about some group of earnestkids who want to enter a rock 'n' roll competitionat the mall. To the best of my knowledge, it's oneof the first films that incorporates all the elementsof pop culture that were kind of new then but noware just completely ubiquitous in our own con-sciousness that we don't even think of them.Rock 'n' roll, tube tops, roller skates, garagebands, malls and Clint Howard.Directed by Ron Howard, too, right?Was it? I don't know. Is that true? I think it was the first TV thing that Ron Howardever directed. No kidding. Thank God for the computer.How else would Clint Howard get in it?Well, that's true. Internet. Well he was in GentleBen, though. Remember?He was also in a couple of episodes of StarTrek.Oh yeah! He was the kid in Star Trek. Yeah, that'sright. That was a big dealDavid Cross, who sells more CDs, you orMargaret Cho?Well, I don’t know. I assume Margaret. But Iknow that together we sell more than The Beatlescombined.David Cross, although I didn’t join the InternetMovie Database, I saw a message board foryou. And one of the postings on there was, pos-sibly the worst thing that any comedian canhave said to them. And you know what that is?Yeah, I'm not funny?No. "Carrot Top is better."Well then, it's not such a bad thing. Like if thatperson thinks Carrot Top's better — of coursethey're being sarcastic, probably — it's theiradorable way of saying they don't think I'm veryfunny. Which is fine.But if they think that Carrot Top is better, thatmeans they think Carrot Top is at least good. Sothat means you're not as good as Carrot Top,but maybe you are good. So it's better than say-ing you're not funny.That's kind of a desperate logic, but I'll cling to it. Have you been to Freaknik, in Atlanta?No, I want to go. I kinda want to go and see whatthat's all about.Can you explain a bit about Freaknik in Atlanta,David Cross?Freaknik is where the black college students,mostly up and down the eastern seaboard, pre-dominately in the south, now it's getting biggerand bigger, that's their Spring break. They’ve

done it in Virginia Beach I believe, but it's pre-dominately in Atlanta which has a large blackpopulation. But it's funny because the white storeowners really freak out, which is a good reason tocall it Freaknik. Another application of the word"freak." They get all scared and they actually shutdown their businesses and board it up as if it's ahurricane, as if this wave of black young humani-ty is as destructive as a hurricane or tsunami. Cuzthere's, like, fucking in the streets.David Cross, one of my favourite comedians isNeil Hamburger. You've worked with NeilHamburger, haven't you?I've done some open mics or showcase nightsthat he's done, yeah.One of my greatest moments watching him wasseeing him on Jimmy Kimmel Live with YokoOno. It was like Yoko Ono and Neil Hamburger.Have you ever had any moments like that,David Cross? Like, David Cross and Yoko Onoor similar-type people?Yeah, I was actually just rummaging throughsome old notes and last year at the Golden GlobeAwards, I peed in between Kiefer Sutherland andQuentin Tarantino. I thought that's something.Between a Canadian and an American!That's exactly what I was thinking, yeah.And lastly here, we've talked about connectionsto King Crimson, to Hee-Haw. You have a con-nection to, amazingly, Sponge Bob!Yep. Voiced by Tom Kenney of Mr. Show fame.Has Tom ever prank-called you? I know I'veprank-called you many times, thank you againfor agreeing to this interview.Tom has not. I wish he would. We've really lostthat part of our relationship, I think, since hebecame so famous to kids, to children.David Cross, 4:20 p.m. What's good about 4:20p.m., David Cross?Oh, that's when idiots like to get high.Why is that? How did you determine that?Have I determined that that's why they like to gethigh?Oh, and that it's 4:20.Well, there's a number of theories about the 4:20thing. I don't know what they are, I don't sub-scribe to them. I think one of them's about, likeit's the best time because , like somebody timedit out or something, and then you'd be sitting intraffic and… I don't know what it is. I don't care.But 4:20, yeah.Well, thanks so much for your time, DavidCross. Anything else you want to add to thepeople out there at all?I appreciate your fine country. I hope to buy someland and put a Wal-Mart, or something similar, onit.David Cross, why should people care aboutDavid Cross?They shouldn't. And lastly, David Cross, is it true you once gotpoison ivy on your cock?[laughs] Wow. How did you — all right, when thecamera's off I'll find out this stuff. Well, not somuch my cock, but all over my back and my feet.I laid down and it was a hot Georgia night and myfriend was scooping on this girl and I had to walkaround, this was back in high school, and killsome time cuz I didn't want to interrupt them so Iwas just wandering around. I just had shorts onand my shirt was off, I laid down and kinda fellasleep in some poison ivy. It was all over me.Well, thanks so much David Cross, keep onrocking in the free world and doot doola dootdoo...[sings] Heeh-heh.

To hear this interview, check out http://www.nardwuar.comor Chart Magazine!

A song by someone else you wish you had written:Sean Stevens: Levi Stubb's Tears – Billy BraggRod Slaughter: Famous Blue Raincoat – Leonard CohenGrant Johnson: Pretty much anything the Beatles wrote. I'd berolling in it. Bastards. Or Pet Sounds-era Brian Wilson.David Berthiaume: "Trigger Cut" by PavementJack Jonasson: "Condoleeza" by Against Me!

Favourite food / drink / kitchen utensil:SS: East Indian / Vietnamese coffee / cheese graterRS: popcorn / Cincano and Soda (or Blue) / bottle openerGJ: Sushi / Martinis / Martini shakerDB: Meat Rings / Pousse Cafe / the World`s Smallest JuicerJJ: Pad Thai / Fort Garry Dark Ale / turkey baster

Overnight driving album:SS: Deep Purple – Machine HeadRS: Primal Scream XTRMNTR (1:00 am to 4:45 am) and Galaxie500 Today (4:46 am to 7:00 am)GJ: Beck – Odelay. That’s a great one!DB: Roxy Music – The Early YearsJJ: "Less Talk, More Rock" by Propagandhi

Favourite band name:SS: Guided by VoicesRS: ?GJ: The Shitty Beatles. Still can't beat that.DB: Dinosaur Jr.JJ: I'm gonna have to agree with Grant on this one - The ShittyBeatles.

Favourite childhood toy/game:SS: Space Lego/OperationRS: tie – Dungeons and Dragons or SlinkyGJ: Hockey. Seriously.DB: Pole Position – the arcade game, not what you`re thinkingJJ: The chemistry set my parents bought me for my 8th birthday.

Favourite way to say goodbyeSS: "Be seeing you!"RS: the wind never says goodbyeGJ: RUN!!DB: the fake "gun hand", a tongue cluck and a winkJJ: "I'm sorry – was that last comment in poor taste?"

Best injury (to oneself):SS: My first time and only time roller blading. I somehow endedup going down a rather large hill (in Trois-Rivieres), and endedup sliding down the pavement. I removed a fair amount of skinon my right calf in the process. Luckily there was only about 150people watching.RS: Passing out in bathroom and splitting head open on toiletseat. Coming to 10 minutes later in pool of blood, sticking wad oftoilet paper on what feels to be the origin of heaviest bleedingand going back to bed. Getting up next morning, going to work,and witnessing look of horror from boss. Being sent to doctor forstitches, who say "Why the hell didn't you go to the hospitalimmediately?!". Wearing a scar to this day that in certain lightgives the impression of a uni-brow.GJ: Broken finger in my right hand punching my then best friendin the head. DB: A blistering sunburn. After taking a bath, it got crazy itchy forabout two hours. I was in tears and swearing at my mother. Itwas the most excruciating physical pain of my life and I wouldn`twish it on anyone.JJ: When I was 6 I tried to ride my bike to the store with 8 or sopop bottles in my arms so I could get some Garbage Pail Kidsstickers. Needless to say, trying to steer a bike with arms full ofglass objects was not the smartest move – I hit a rock and tum-bled to the pavement, landing on the pop bottles, requiring anumber of stitches to sew up a nasty gash on my hand. Commonsense was not my strong suit back then (nor is it now).

If I wasn't playing music I'd be...SS: Teaching English in Taipei or Korea or Japan. And wishing Iwas playing music.RS: Watching a lot of old moviesGJ: Carrying stuff and drivingDB: RicherJJ: A nurse. Or being looked after by one.

What they do in Novillero:SS: guitarRS: keyboards, vocalsGJ: bass, vocalsDB: drums, vocalsJJ: manager

19

www.novillero.net

left to rightRod SlaughterSean Stevens

David BerthiaumeGrant Johnson

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[FYI: Before the interview actually beginsNardwuar is attempting to "check" his mic]NARDWUAR: Who are you?DAVID CROSS: Chk Chk Chk. Nardwuar: Who are you?The lead singer of Chk Chk Chk. Who are you?I'm from the Czech Republic.You are David—Cross. Man.David Cross, are you really David Cross?Crossman.Are you really David Crossman?Yes I am. I can prove it.How can you prove it?I can't really go into that here. For security purpos-es. National security purposes. Not Canadiannational security. Puerto Rican national security.And that is a consignment piece of property thatAmerica owns, the United States of America,where I'm from. I'm glad you said David Crossman, because isn'tthere a guy, David Cross, who was in the bandKing Crimson, a violinist? Yeah, not only violinist, he played the viola and thepiccolo and the theremin. Multi-talented.Ah, not really, he wasn't very good at any of 'em.So he was multi, but the talent part, not so much. What's interesting about you, David Cross, is—That is true. There is King Crimson, but there's also Hee-Haw. What is David Cross' connection to Hee-Haw?I have no idea. But I mean, well, unless you're—You think King Crimson, David Cross. You lovethe indie rock and you're liking King Crimson,which there are many King Crimson elements inindie rock these days, especially like Mars Volta,eh? Ha ha!Ah, there's two. Yeah, there's two elements.But then there's also Hee-Haw. And I will sayyour connection to Hee-Haw is from one of yourmanagers in the past, Bernie Brillstein. Oh, yeah! Very good. Man, you do some thorough,in-depth, unnecessary research. Can you tell me about Hee-Haw and TheMuppets? Your connection to Hee-Haw and TheMuppets?Yeah, well, it's very tenuous. I mean, I know theguy, I've been in the same room with the guy who,I don't know what he did with Hee-Haw, but Iknow he was a producer of The Muppets. But Idon't know what he did with Hee-Haw. Did he pro-duce that?Yes. It was his idea. Oh, really.It was your manager, Bernie Brillstein. Was heyour manager at one time?He was not my manager, he was Bob Odenkirk's,who was an often partner of mine, lover, whatever.

And he was his manager, so invariablymy manager, his manager. And Bob and Iwould go on picnics and then we'd dis-

cuss things.Hee-Haw plus King Crimson equals...Brillstein.Equals David Cross!Oh, OK, equals David Cross. Yeah, that's it. Ispaced that one. That was a no-brainer.David, how did you get in trouble with a bananain Celebrity Poker?Well, I don't know if I really got in trouble. I had abanana in Celebrity Poker. I got a banana and thenI started playing well and then I said it was mygood luck banana. Then they brought out a platterof bananas and then I took three, my threefavourite bananas and I whipped them at a produc-er's head and they were soft. They were obviouslystale, you could see the bruised spots on 'em, andinstead of just sorta bouncing off, it splattered, itscratched the guy's cornea and he ended up goingto the hospital. This is in Las Vegas, Nevada andhe ended up going to the hospital. And I refused topay the medical bill. Am I boring you?No, no. I was just moving over.Why? I felt a bit awkward, like we're standing here ongrass and it felt like the earth was tilting as youwere telling that story.Well, it was, but not so that you'd notice it, unlessyou’re special. Well, I'm basically like the "human serviette",Nardwuar The Human Serviette and the "humanmic stand" as well.You know, I first heard of you back in '92 or '93when I moved to Los Angeles from Boston. Wereyou doing stuff back then?Yes.There was a tape of you that I probably still have, aVHS tape, shows you how old it is, that a friend ofmine who was a writer who I met on the BenStiller Show — which is why I moved down to LosAngeles from Boston — showed me. Gave me. Thank you very much for taking the time toremember that and speaking to me here today,David…Crossman.David Crossman. Back to the celebrity poker,though. What is a celebrity?[David imiitates Nardwuar’s voice] "Let's go backto the celebrity poker to find out what is a celebri-ty. " A celebrity is somebody who is celebrated fortheir fabulousness. Sometimes they're appealing,they're attractive. Sometimes they exude the per-sona that they would have sex with you when theywouldn't. But still they exude it and they makethemselves, offer themselves, to the public. Thensometimes a celebrity is someone who delights usand tickles our fancy.David, you're a kind individual. You posed forPETA.It's true. You're just making statements and thenthrowing the mic at me. It sounds like you're ask-ing a question that I'm supposed to respond to.But you're just making a statement.Well actually, I was leading on, David Cross.You posed for PETA. But you didn't just pose for

PETA any little way, did you pose for PETA? No, no, no. I "naked-ed" it up.That's what I was hoping you would say.Okay, well I did! Thank you very much! You were totally nakedand you were wrapped in tape.No, I wasn't wrapped in tape. What are you talkingabout?There was some tape over your private parts. Oh, you couldn't even see that. What are you talk-ing about? I posed so it was like, I looked around.I mean, when I shot the thing, cuz, you know,there were a bunch of people there and I didn'twant my cock hanging out. So I had a little what-ever you call it, I got one of those dance beltthings and I cut a patch out, which is what I do allthe time when I do nude scenes. I did doublestick-it which hurts eventually when you're takingit off. It makes for a much more naked-lookingperson.Which is exactly what I wanted to ask aboutbecause I understand you took the tape and put iton eBay, or PETA put it on eBay. How much didthat tape go for? Man, if that's true, I'm disgusted and delighted atthe same time. I can only guess it would havegone for about… I'm huge in Saudi Arabia, so if aSaudi prince or a sheik bought it then God, itcould be upwards of a million bucks, which is likepennies to them.What was on that tape? Was there pubic hair onthe tape?Or pubic hair, yeah. How much was stuck there? At first when Ithought you were posing for PETA you'd have allyour skin removed. All your hair removed com-pletely.Yeah, usually I wax up when I go to the JerseyShore. You know, I'll wax up when I'm going witha bunch of guys and we do a bunch ofAbercrombie & Fitch catalogues. I'll shave and waxand get my nipples rouged. But this was in thewinter time when I did it so I was a little hairier. Sothis wasn't just skin, it was a lot of hair. And as faras how much pubic hair was on the tape, I'd sayabout a kilo. You're not 100 per cent sure of what it sold for?Or you didn't even know it was on eBay?No, no I didn't.David Cross, you are though, on a very importantTV show — Arrested…De-menacement.Yes! Arrested De... And your wife on the show isPortia …Yes, Portia De Rossi. Her real name. That's herreal name.And in real life, her wife is… Ugh … Now, as of the moment it's Ellen… I justknow her as simply "Ellen." What I was curious about is Portia someone whoyou analyze when she eats? Does she only stilleat meat standing up?Yeah, well, she only eats horse meat standing up.The regular-like steak or the venison, or rabbit or

Canadian guerilla media assassin and lead singer of the Evaporators, Nardwuar

the Human Serviette talks to Arrested Development and Mr. Show star and recent

New Pornographers “Use It” music video actor, Mr. David Cross!

4

Club NMEThe Medicine BarBirmingham, EnglandAugust 2, 2005

photos by Steve Gerrardwww.rock-photo.com

Club NMEThe Medicine BarBirmingham, EnglandAugust 2, 2005

photos by Steve Gerrardwww.rock-photo.com

21

hunterslea , she'll eat sitting down. But when sheeats horse meat, which she eats a lot, she'll standup.Is this unusual?For me it's unusual. She's Australian so it mightbe something they do Down Under. But, for me it'sunusual. I thought it was unusual. But I don'tknow global customs.David Cross, do you travel on airplanes verymuch?Constantly. How do you sleep when you're on an airplane? [Bending head] Usually, kind of like this. Or,depending on which section I'm on, like this. Do you use any sleeping aids at all? Like any-thing to cover you face? I understand that onetime you used an S&M mask to fall asleep with.I use several sleep aids. I just, all the same. I haveAIDS so it helps. You weaken. Your T-Cell count isdown to zero , so it makes you very weak. Justgetting, stowing your thing above… your back-pack, and just getting on and going through thatline is exhausting, which is one of the good thingsabout AIDS. You're able to fall asleep very quickly.How about the S&M mask? Did you get in trou-ble for wearing an S&M mask on an airplane? I didn't get in trouble but… how did you knowthat? This was just recently. I literally, this was likea month ago. I was in Seattle doing a show withsome friends and we passed by an adult book-store. They had a bunch of different stuff and Iwas like, "Oh, they have S&M masks." So I got the,not an S&M mask, but you know the Gimp in PulpFiction? He has that leather thing. So it's just thewhole mask with the zipper here. And it was com-pletely black and I said, "Oh, I'll get this and put iton while I'm on the plane and if anyone gives meany shit I'll be like, 'What? I thought it was a sleepmask.'" [laughs]So I did that but everyone startedcracking up. Because I did it when nobody couldsee it and then let them see it. And by then thejoke was over. I didn't get in trouble. I'd hoped I'dget a "talking to" but it didn't happen. Buthow'd you find that out? It wasn't on your DVD. You're right. It wasn't on my DVD. It wasn't on your DVD but anothersleeping incident was on your DVD,David Cross. Nardwuar, are you going to answer myquestion? How'd you find out aboutthat? I'm just curious because it wasso innocuous and barely anybodyknew about it. I mean, obviously, myfriends on the plane but outside ofthat I maybe told a handful of peo-ple.David Cross, there is an interna-tional fan network following youeverywhere, taping your everymove.[laughs] So you're saying thatsomebody on the plane whosaw it and then wrote about it?Once you star in like ArrestedDevelopment, once you'vedone Mr. Show, once you'veseen Pansy Division play,you're a marked man.OK, I'll agree with that. David Cross you're here in Vancouver, BritishColumbia, Canada doing some...That is an absolute lie! Well, we know you're in Vancouver, BritishColumbia, Canada because, well, how do we notknow you're not in Vancouver, British Columbia,Canada? Check it out. I didn't bring this [Canadian BottledWater] from the States. That'd be stupid. [laughs]You are David…

Crossman. David Crossman, on your most recent DVD youvisited Vancouver.I did! I played Richard's On Richards.A.K.A.Dicks On Dicks. And you have a little dick story about that on theDVD when you went home with a Vancouverlady.No I didn't. Yeah, you talk about apologizing for sleepingwith a Vancouver girl on the DVD.What?Yes, there's a girl that's all over you on the DVDand there's some allusion to her afterwards onthe DVD, you're talking about that. So I was justwondering, are you like Bon Jovi who namedtheir album Slippery When Wet after the strip-pers in Vancouver? Are you down with theVancouver ladies, David Cross?Wait a second. We've been having a lot of funhere, a lot of jokes, but I did not sleep with any-body from Vancouver. You've got to be mistaken.Or maybe you're piecing two things together thatweren't… maybe chronologically they follow eachother but they're not… I swear to God I didn't…OK, extrapolate, perhaps, what I might be allud-ing to if I'm not alluding to that exactly. Theremust be some half truth to that because youhaven't completely shot this down, David Cross. You must be talking about when I was in the vanand I was talking about a girl. That was a girl inAustin, Texas and that was from 1999 or 2000, orsomething, that story. If I'm remembering correct-ly. I don't remember. I'm telling you I didn’t. OK, that might have been it. Because I doremember it was in a van and I'm sorry, I mighthave misconstrued it.That has nothing to do with Vancouver.Well, you were telling the story in Vancouver. That could be true.Yes! So there is a Canadian connection there!

[Laughs) There is a Canadian there … Youdid it! You found it!

You’re like a scien-tist!David Cross, you're here in Vancouver, BritishColumbia, Canada, you've traveled lots on air-planes wearing S&M masks. You also playedPunk... …abilly.Punk Voter. And one of the gentlemen whoopened up for you was Jello Biafra of The DeadKennedys. What was it like having Jello Biafra of

The Dead Kennedys open up and do spoken wordfor you, David Cross?Well, it wasn't so much that he was opening up forme. We were all part of the same bill and he hap-pened to go before me and introduced me. I was ahuge fan of him when I was a kid. I actually wentand saw him in 1984 or '85, something like that. Isaw him do spoken word at Brandeis Universityand it was really funny but it was the first time Igot an inkling of how kind of long-winded and howkind of a blow-hard he might be. When he did thatshow — again, I'm a big fan and he was an impor-tant figure in my life — but he would not shut up.It was getting bad. They actually had to go out andtug him a couple of times. He would look and go,"Yeah! Hang on!" And he just kept on going. He'snot funny, he's very dogmatic and strident andthere's no real levity or connection, so it was a bitof a bummer.How did the audience take to him? How didDavid Cross' audience take to Jello Biafrabecause he might have been going on and on,but how was the audience enjoying it?Again, it wasn't just my audience. There were…The Punk Voter. There were a number of bands on the bill, I thinkabout five bands, and Jello was hosting. I thinkthey were ready for him to get off. He deservesrespect and got accorded respect until it was like,"OK, we get it. Thanks. Let's go. Let's move on.There's a lot more show."So he just needed to trim the act a tiny bit? Didyou see places where he could have trimmed itor was there no way to end the story? If you'retelling a story about 9/11 it's pretty hard to cut ithalfway through, right?It's called editing. You edit within. You find outwhat is necessary, what's not necessary. You findout what's extraneous, get rid of the extraneouspart. I teach a workshop at the Learning Annex, it'sa 10 week course. Weeks three through seven,except for week six. It's three, four, five and youtake one week off and we do other stuff and thenback to editing.David Cross, I interviewed Elijah Wood a few

years ago about punkers inHollywood. I'm not so sure about that. I asked him, "Elijah, are thereany punkers in Hollywood?" andhe said, "Have you ever heard ofDavid…""Chrisman?"David Crossman! And I said, "Yes, Ihave! From Mr. Show." And hesaid, "You should interview DavidCross." Elijah Wood told me I shouldinterview David Cross. Have you metElijah Wood and are you and ElijahWood the only punkers in Hollywood?We have our own club. We actually havea tree house up in the hills and it's justme and him and we are the only ones.The name of our club, our secret society,is PunkersinHollywood.com backslash. Iactually met Elijah here in Vancouver. I washere working on a movie that was neverreleased, actually, it was released in Sweden,for some reason. We became friends andthat was, to date, the best experience I'veever had working on any movie or show. Itwas really fun. I was up here for about three

and a half months.I just thought it was great, Elijah Wood, DavidCross, punkers in Hollywood. And then I wasreading a few other mags and I found out thereare some other punkers in Hollywood, like FredArmisen from Saturday Night Live. Inever realized he was the drummer forTrenchmouth. 5

P:ano at the Vancouver Public Library

(left to right) Nick Krgovich, Julia Chirka, Larissa Loyva, Justin Kellam

RADIO SHOW!

FRIDAYS 3:30-5:00PM PACIFIC TIMECiTR 101.9 fM www.citr.ca

www.nardwuar.com

in concert in canadawith destroyer and immaculate machine

september 22 sugar victoria

september 23 commodore ballroom vancouver

october 9 phoenix toronto

october 10 cabaret la tulipe montreal

full american tour dates at www.thenewpornographers.com

Twin CinemaElectric VersionMass Romantic

all on Matador Records outside of Canada!

www.thenewpornographers.com

“a giddy all-night conversation”

– Spin

www.immaculatemachine.com

ONES AND ZEROSRelease date: September 6! the Mint debut from

Victoria’s Immaculate Machine. On tour with the

New Pornographers and Destroyer, in September

and October. RIYL: Metric, The Magnetic Fields,

Architecture in Helsinki, Belle & Sebastian.

Carolyn Mark’s duets album!

Just Married: An Album of Duets

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w.n

ovill

ero.

net

“...SHOULD BE CRASHING OUT OF EVERY RADIO IN THE COUNTRY.” –GLOBE AND MAIL

Carolyn Mark with friendsLots of them. Including Luke

Doucet, Corb Lund, Ford Pier, Geoff Berner, Amy Honey, Clay

George, Carey Mercer from Frog Eyes and others.

Carolyn Mark on tour!Sept. 29 Old Ironsides, SacramentoSept. 30 12 Galaxies, San FranciscoOct. 1 Starry Plough, Berkeley

Carolyn Mark on tour!Sept. 29 Old Ironsides, SacramentoSept. 30 12 Galaxies, San FranciscoOct. 1 Starry Plough, Berkeley

These recipes and oodles morecan be found in Carolyn Mark’scookbook, ten bucks postpaid fromMint Records!

Recipes courtesy of Carolyn Mark!

www.zulurecords.com

Nardwuar the Human Serviette vs. David Cross! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4A Carolyn Mark tour diary! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .8Mint Records: new, priority, current, notable! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .12The Buttless Chaps! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .15Mint Records tour dates! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16Immaculate Machine baseball cards! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17Novillero answers some questions! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .19P:ano and Duplex! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .20The Organ at Club NME, Birmingham, England . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21Recipes courtesy of Carolyn Mark! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22

CONTENTS

Mint Records Inc. is a small indie record label based out of Vancouver, Canada. Since 1991, we’ve put our more than 85 releases by such bands as The New Pornographers, Neko Case,

The Organ, The Evaporators, The Smugglers, Carolyn Mark, Immaculate Machine, Novillero, P:ano, Duplex!,young and sexy, I Am Spoonbender, the Corn Sisters, the Buttless Chaps, Huevos Rancheros, cub, and others!

Mint Records releases are distributed by NAIL Distribution in the USA www.naildistribution.comand in Canada by Outside Music www.outside-music.com and Scratch Distribution www.scratchrecords.com

Also, be sure to check out iTunes Music Store where more and more Mint titles are being added!

We acknowledge the financial support of Canada's private radio broadcasters as well as the Government of Canada through the Canada Music Fund for this project. Printed in Canada.

Illustrations by Tom Bagley

Mint Records Inc.PO Box 3613Vancouver, BC Canada V6B 3Y6 www.mintrecs.com

Mint’s Radio and Publicity Queen Yvette Ray:mintyvette@aol.comphone 416-535-9123

www.naildistribution.com

Mint Records’ US distribution byMint Records distributedin Canada by

Distribution

© Mint Records Inc. 2005

david cross interview by nardwuar!

immaculate machinebaseball cards!

recipes collected bycarolyn mark!

novillero answerssome questions!

a carolyn mark tour story!

mint artists’ tour dates

plus lots more to read!

free! vol. 1

illustrations by tom bagley!

mint records inc.po box 3613, vancouver, bc canada v6b 3y6 www.mintrecs.com