Foster Families Spring 2011 Sample

fosterfamiliesSpring 2011 Issue 8 £2

Find out why you need a time out!

Tips on potty training

“Essential reading for all foster families, packed with lots of useful information” Cathy Glass, foster carer and best-selling author of ‘Cut’

How to foster

Step by step guide on how to become

a foster carerBabies and

alcohol?Why it’s hard and how to get it right

The risks, and top tips to deal

with FAS

Need some ‘me time’?

Welcome Spring 2011 foster families 2

http://twitter.com/Foster_Familieswww.facebook.com/pages/Foster-Families-Magazine/144256428433

This is not the full version - to read all the articles, download the full version for just £1 or subscribe to the printed version. The printed copy comes out four times a year, and costs £2 per issue or £7 for the whole year. The printed copy has no extra adverts, just lots more advice, support, fun and personal articles. Email [email protected] or subscribe at www.fosterfamilies.co.uk.

Welcome from the editor...

Helen Mason gives her top tips on making time for yourself in a busy schedule

Janet Blannin shares the secrets to successful potty training

Advice on caring for children with Foetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder

If you’re interested in fostering, find out the first steps of applying

Dear Reader,

This is the online sample - please download the full magazine for £1 or subcribe to the full printed copy for £2 delivered direct to your door. There’s lots inside this issue to help you in your role as foster carer... there’s lots of advice from our

experts on attachment disorder, caring for a child with foetal alcohol spectrum disorder and knowing when the time’s right to start potty training.

I hope you enjoy this issue, I know I have!

Ceressa Bateman, Editor

Take a look at this issue’s cover stories

11 4

7 29

Meet the experts... Fiona Strachan, Adopt Resources director, gives top tips to prepare children for adoption

Carol Lozier, Psychotherapist,talks about ambivalent attachment

Helen Mason, Educational & Child Psychologist, shares how to talk about past experiences

Janet Blannin, Starr Medical, advises the best time to start potty training

Hayley Payne, Fostertax, talks about the benefits of National Insurance Credits for foster carers

fosterfamiliesSpring 2011 Issue 8 £2

Find out why you need a time out!

Tips on potty training

“Essential reading for all foster families, packed with lots of useful information” Cathy Glass, foster carer and best-selling author of ‘Cut’

How to foster

Step by step guide on how to become

a foster carerBabies and

alcohol?Why it’s hard and how to get it right

The risks, and top tips to deal

with FAS

Need some ‘me time’?

Photos (from

left) :Eric Flem

ing, San Jose Library

Cover photo: A

bi Thorne. Inset photo: Ron Sombilon

Foster Families OnlineWhat can you find?Visit www.fosterfamilies.co.uk for the latest news and updates from Foster Families Magazine. The website has a shop, a swap shop and a competitions page, plus lots more. You can order the magazine in different currencies depending on where you live, or you can download the magazine to your computer for £1 from http://fosterfamilies.co.uk/spring2011.html.

For more updates you can follow us on Twitter: http://twitter.com/Foster_Families or become a fan on our Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Foster-Families-Magazine/144256428433

Contents Spring 2011 foster families 3


ContentsFind out what great treats we have in store for you in the Spring edition of Foster Families

support . . .

my time in care . . .

fun stuff . . .

how often are your kids online? ... 9squeezing in ‘me time’ ... 11 preparing for adoption ... 15are you benefiting from NI credits? ... 20

our top tips ...caring for a child with FASD ... 8online safety ... 9me time ...12adoption preparation...15reducing distancing behaviour ...22

home . . .personalised cards for foster carers ... 31create a chicken doorstop ... 32

making the most of life ... 5 daddy’s girl... finally ...14

book reviews ...gatwick bear ... 26foster care and social networking ... 26guerilla mum ... 26katie & kimble ... 27baby sleep solutions ...27a guide to attachment...27understanding & working with birth parents ... 27

swap shop - trade your toys and prams ... 4competition winners ... 31kids’ corner ... 37your letters ... 38crossword ... 39

18

26

32

Spring 2011 Edition 8

support with your studies: higher education ... 13education . . .

15

17

5

competitions ...gatwick bear book ... 26katie & kimble book ... 27narnia, voyage of the dawn treader dvd ... 37cathy glass books ... 39

how to become a foster carer ... 4ask our psychologist ... 10don’t push me - ambivalent attachment ... 21

advice . . .

personal . . . welcome to the culture ... 17it’s not my fault - reactive attachment ... 23cathy glass: time to read my story ... 34

no place like home - fostering abroad ... 18information . . .

babies who drink: FASD ... 7toilet training driving you potty? ... 28 easy icing ... 35chris’s cookery cards ... 36

food and health . . .

These contents

are for the FULL

version!

Leaving Care Spring 2011 foster families 5


Did you know?There is a current shortage of over 10,000 foster carers in the UK.

Does ‘foster carer’ suit me?

Children need to be looked after for many reasons and by becoming a foster carer

you can make a real difference to a child’s life when it matters most. Carers can be from a range of backgrounds and age groups and you may be gay, single, married or divorced. The most important requirement is that carers have the time, energy and the maturity to care for children in a safe environment. They will also need a spare bedroom. Children and young people need space and their own room to allow them to study, play and relax.

What’s the first step?Once you’ve decided you’d like to foster, you can apply through your local authority or an independent fostering agency.

You can usually contact them online or by phone and they will send you an information pack with an application form.

Talk it through When your enquiry or application is received you will be contacted by a local Carer Recruitment Officer or Supervising Social Worker (SSW) who will discuss becoming a foster carer with you. If it’s agreed that your enquiry can be taken further, an

appointment will be made to visit you in your own home (this is called an Initial Visit).Your initial visit provides the opportunity for detailed discussion and whether your progression to assessment would be appropriate for you and your family.

If fostering’s something you’ve thought about, whether for now or in the future, our How To Become a Foster Carer series will help you through the whole process

If you’re thinking of fostering read Fiona Barnes’ advice on making that decision

“Carers need time, energy and

maturity”

Photo: Carolien D

ekeersmaeker

by Fiona Barnes, National Fostering Agency. For more information about NFA please visit our website www.nfa.ws or telephone us on 0845 200 4040.

Part 1

• • • • • •

• • • • • •




• • • • • •

• • • • • •

Babies who drink: the consequences If the child in your care suffers from FASD, check out what support is available

Foetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD) describes a range of effects that can occur in a child

whose mother drank alcohol when she was pregnant. The effects of this lifelong, incurable condition include physical, mental, behavioural and learning disabilities. Awareness of FASD is slowly growing, particularly among health professionals, but remains limited.It can affect any child whose mother drank while pregnant. Alcohol abuse is often linked with chaotic lifestyles and other associated problems, and children from these backgrounds are more likely to end up in the care system.The Adolescent and Children’s Trust (TACT), the UK’s largest charity provider of fostering and adoption services, is putting on a series of conferences across the UK. Kevin Williams, TACT CEO, explains: “Careleavers are more likely to abuse alcohol than their peers and put their own children into care at an earlier age.” A range of effectsPart of the problem with analysing the impact of FASD in the UK is that there are many variables and there has been little research. It is a spectrum disorder because the manifestations and consequences are very broad. The foetus develops in stages, so the effect of FASD can vary according to the period of pregnancy and amounts the mother was drinking. Professor Edward Riley, International FASD Neurodevelopmental Brain Expert, says: “Not every foetus is equally affected.”

He gives an example of identical twins, where one is much more affected by FAS than the other - even though they were both in the same womb at the same time. Kevin agrees: “We don’t know the impact FAS has on every foetus – it’s better to be safe than sorry and call for ZERO drinking in pregnancy.”Research shows that alcohol has a dramatic impact on the movements and behaviours of the foetus. Professor Peter Hepper, Director of Fetal Behaviour Research Centre, explains that a foetus’

movements in the womb are smooth and continuous. However if the mother has been drinking alcohol the foetus moves in stops and starts - as we do when we

are startled. A foetus practises the breathing movement ready for birth, but one glass of alcohol suppresses this breathing movement for one hour. Dr Mary Mather says: “If you wouldn’t put it in a baby’s bottle why give it to them before birth?”Signs and traits of FASDOne manifestation of FASD is known as Foetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS). People with FAS can often be identified through facial features such as a small head, a thin upper lip and an indistinct philtrum (the groove between lip and nose).

Others affected by FASD might not have the identifying traits of FAS but will suffer from poor memory, hyperactivity, short attention span or difficulty in communicating or coping with social situations. They have trouble forming concepts so for example when playing 20 questions, rather than asking appropriate questions such as ‘Is it living?’ to narrow down the possibilities, they will just keep guessing until they come upon the answer. Due to their social immaturity, children and young people with FASD have difficulty establishing friendships, especially with children of the same age.MisdiagnosisAs little is known about FASD, those affected can be misdiagnosed with similar conditions such as autism or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). They might be given a catch-all diagnosis such ...

“It can affect any child whose mother drank”

You wouldn’t fill a babies bottle with alcohol: one glass of alcohol when pregnant stops a foetus’ breathing movement for 60 minutes

To read the rest of this article please download from http://fosterfamilies.co.uk/spring2011.html

Support in your studiesLinda Bishopp advises young people who they can go to for help at college or university

The transition from school to university can be a daunting time for the young people

in your care. Regardless of their experience at school, they had statutory support in place and, importantly, a key contact for you in the form of their Designated Teacher. You knew who to contact, in confidence, if there were problems and your young person had someone who was monitoring their progress and keeping up to date with their reviews.When time comes for your young person to leave school, whether they choose to continue in education at either a further education college or university, you will want to be sure that they receive the support that they need.In Kent and Medway all further education colleges and universities have at least one named contact, similar to a designated teacher,

who has been specifically trained to support the needs of young people in and leaving care. Designated Members of Staff (DMS for short) are named individuals that you and

your young person can contact at the college or university (and even before the young person enrols) to get all

the support and information they need to settle in and make the most of their time at college or university. All enquiries are confidential and your young person needn’t feel pressured to share their life story because each DMS has been trained to understand. To find out more about the DMS Scheme and DMS Training* visit: www.aimhighekentandmedway.org.*DMS training is accredited by the University of Greenwich and managed jointly by the partner institutions which make up the Aimhigher Kent and Medway Partnership.

“You’ll want to be sure they get the

support they need”

If you are an education or local authority practitioner who would like to know more about DMS Training or how you may become a DMS (wherever you are in the UK) please contact 01227 782565 or visit www.aimhigherkentandmedway.org.

Photo: (Flickr) Megan Soh

Faculty of Science

Offering courses in thefollowing areas:_ Earth Sciences;_ Environmental Science;_ Gemmology;_ Geographical Information

Systems;_ Geography;_ Geology;_ Hazards & Disaster

Management; and_ Sustainable Development.

Geography, Geology& the Environment

Faculty of Science

Offering courses in thefollowing areas:_ Earth Sciences;_ Environmental Science;_ Gemmology;_ Geographical Information

Systems;_ Geography;_ Geology;_ Hazards & Disaster

Management; and_ Sustainable Development.

Geography, Geology& the Environment

CO

MM I T T E D

TO

CA

RE L E A V

ER

S

Support for Care Leavers

The scheme offers:

_ A £1000 bursary per year*_ Flexible entry requirements_ A single point of contact at the University_ Advice on accommodation, student funding

and student services_ Funding for year abroad and overseas placements*conditions apply

To find out more information visit

www.kingston.ac.uk/compactor contact us on

[email protected] telephone

020 8417 3233

A great place for

inspiring mindsSupport for care leavers at the University of GreenwichTo enable you as foster carers to assist your looked after children to achieve their potential, the university can provide:

General advice about gaining a place at university and the benefi ts of higher education

Information about the entry requirements and degree programmes

Advice on the fi nancial and practical support available such as our care leaver bursary of £1,000 per year – subject to conditions.

www.gre.ac.uk/careleavers

Quality mark awardedfor our commitment toworking with care leavers

www.aber.ac.uk/wpsi

Gweithio Gyda Myfyrwyr sy’n Gadael Gofal -Ein hymroddiad ni i’ch dyfodol chi

Er mwyn cael cymorth a chyngor cyn i chi gyrraedd (mewn Dyddiau Agored, dyddiau ymweld, etc.), drwy’r broses ymgeisio,

ac wrth i chi gyrraedd, astudio, ac ymlaen i’ch graddio, cysylltwch â DEBRA CROFT yn y Ganolfan Ehangu Cyfranogiad

E-bost: [email protected] Ffôn: 01970 622681,neu Tecst: 07968 77 55 23

workinG with students froM Care- our commitmEnt to your futurE

For help and advice before arrival (at Open Days, visitingdays, etc.), through the application process, arrival, progression,

and on to graduation, contact DEBRA CROFT in the Centre for Widening Participation

E-mail: [email protected] Tel: 01970 622681,or Txt: 07968 77 55 23

Blackpool FC Premiership star James Beattie supports Simply Fostering. The England International hopes that all foster children are given the opportunity to develop and mature in an environment which is caring and supportive. Simply Fostering is a response to the national shortfall of foster carers. The free service provides people with choices to find the right agency for them and their family, as well as foster carer advice.For more info, please contact Annette at [email protected] or visit www.simplyfostering.co.uk.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •• • • • • • • •• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •• • • • • • • • • • • •We specialise in looking after Foster Carer’s taxation

Visit us at www.fostertax.co.uk, or speak to us on 01207 524 909 to find out how we can help you

We charge a fixed fee, agreed in advance

Adoption Greeting CardsA special time where adoptive parents and children deserve a special handmade cardNumerous designs and themes, from adoption announcements to ‘Welcome to Our Family’. See samples on the website.Contact Carolyn for particular requests: 0116 2221882/ 07974810771 www.adoptiongreetingcards.co.uk

Competition WinnersCongratulations to our winners!

Mediak DVDS - Sheila and Wendythemessiplace pack - Margy

My Desi Guru DVDs - LouGrandma’s Gifts - Jess

Montagne Jeunesse pamper packs - Marian

Saronti books - Cheryl

Peppa Pig Wii game - Wendy, Marian and Lou

Hauck Turbo buggy - AlexandraOrchard Toys board games - Louise

and SueWho Cares Trust books - Margaret

and Sue

This is not the full version To read all the articles, download the full version for just £1 or subscribe to the printed version. The printed copy comes out four times a year, and costs £2 per issue or £7 for the whole year. The printed copy has no extra adverts, just lots more advice, support, fun and personal articles. Email [email protected] or subscribe at www.fosterfamilies.co.uk.

Communication Spring 2011 foster families 9

Support Spring 2011 foster families 8

Q: My 12 year old foster child brings up memories of her life before she came into care. How should I manage this?

A: Firstly, it is to your credit that your foster child feels comfortable enough in her relationship with you to begin to talk about her past. Secondly, it’s difficult to answer your question without knowing what type of experiences she’s recalling. New InformationYou should exercise some caution if the child is recalling abusive events involving named individuals, particularly if she is disclosing new information. If this is the case, I’m sure you would have urgently contacted the child’s social worker (SW) and your supervising social worker (SSW) and they would have advised you what to do according to child protection procedures in place. Coming to terms with any longer term effects of these events tends to take place when procedures and investigations are concluded. Known EventsHowever, if your child is speaking of known events, she may be trying to come to terms with difficult thoughts and feelings. Foster carers often

worry that they’re not ‘qualified’ to talk about past experiences with the children and young people in their care. However, if the child is leading the communication and you enable them to feel listened to and safe within your relationship, this may signal that they consider your relationship a therapeutic one. Listen and ComfortOn this basis, you are able to support the child in expressing and managing difficult thoughts and feelings. This means that the child is doing the talking, and you are doing the listening and offering comfort. Comfort is whatever works for the child, such as an understanding smile, a hug or even a windy beach walk where she can run around and

shout and scream at the top of her voice. Keep a record of what the child says and your responses. Include dates and

times as this helps to monitor progress and can be useful for any mental health professionals that may become involved in the future. If done consistently over a period of time, this approach is very effective and you will become a key agent of positive change for the child. Don’t analyseI strongly urge you to avoid offering any analyses or diagnoses. I have come across a few instances where foster carers have provided written or verbal reports outlining their analysis of the children in their care. These reports contained

psychological and psychiatric terms, and concluded even that they ‘need therapy’ or will pose a ‘risk to others’. In all cases these highly inappropriate analyses were

unsubstantiated and the conclusions were inaccurate and alarmist. This was very

damaging for the children involved. Fortunately, I don’t see this often. Professional HelpIf you have concerns that the child isn’t making progress in managing their difficult thoughts and feelings - say for instance, their daily functioning if affected, or the child is placed at risk, then discuss your concerns with the child’s SW. They will arrange to refer the child on to a mental health professional such as a nurse specialist in mental health, a psychologist or psychiatrist in the services available to looked after children in your authority. It’s quite common for children and young people to say very little during sessions with professionals, and then open up with someone else outside of the professional relationship. This means that the ‘talk’ during the session may have prompted thoughts and feelings that the child inhibited within the therapeutic relationship, but felt able to express freely within a more personal relationship. Depending on the therapeutic approach used by the professional, you may be able to work alongside or even under supervision if everyone is in agreement and if this approach is more effective for the child.

Perhaps you’re concerned about the child in your care’s behaviour? Or maybe their social or emotional development at home or at school? Why not ask our psychologist.

If you have any questions that you would like to put to Helen, email her at [email protected] questions are treated in strict confidence. Please read our disclaimer at www.fosterfamilies.co.uk/disclaimer.

Helen Mason BA M.ED M.ED CPSYCHOL

Ask our PsychologistWorried about a child in your care?

Helen answers your questionsHelen Mason is an Educational & Child Psychologist and Expert Witness. She is chartered with the British Psychological Society and registered as a practitioner psychologist with the Health Professions Council. Her expertise focuses upon looked after children (LAC) and young people. She practices independently at Looked after Child Psychologists (www.lacp.co.uk) and formerly held a specialist post within the public sector working with LAC, foster carers and other professionals.

“Keep a record of what the child says and your responses”

“You are doing the listening and

comforting”




Moving a child from your care on to their adoptive

placement can often be a bittersweet experience. It’s a time of mixed emotions: happiness and hope

for the child’s future balanced with moving on of a child you’ve cared for in your family.Once the decision to move a child to an adoptive placement has been confirmed, practitioners and carers can start to prepare their child for the move to their ‘forever family’ home. The timing and how this is done needs to be carefully thought through and communicated with everyone involved in the child’s life. A consistent message can lay strong foundations for the big changes ahead.As with most things in life, and certainly in foster care, there is no set format or one size fits all approach. You need to factor in the child’s understanding of the reasons for being in care, what a permanent placement means to them and their existing relationship and feelings towards their birth family. So what things can help you prepare your child for the move to their ‘forever family’ home?

Here are some top tips:

1Consistent message This is one of the most important things that will help

a child’s understanding of the big changes ahead of them. It’s going to be hard to manage all the messages given about adoption especially where there is ongoing contact with birth family who are contesting the move. However, if the child’s workers and carers and those around them give the same message it can help

reinforce things for the child and ultimately make things easier to understand.

2Team work This fits with consistency and

means that you and your child’s workers need to talk to each other about when and how to tell the child about the move. Even down to the language and words used to describe what’s happening.

3Timing Timing depends on the child and

their circumstances. Some children will need time to process what’s happening, for others more notice just leads to more

anxiety and too much time to think about things. Part of your teamwork will involve how and when

you deliver your consistent message. If finding a prospective match is likely to take a long time this obviously affects how you’ll time discussions. Also, important review dates and contact with birth family may lead you to tell the child before these so that they are not finding things out in the wrong way.

4Age and stage appropriate Any information given to the child needs to be appropriate

to their age and stage and in a way that they will understand or at least be able to start to process. This might mean using pictures, books and stories to describe things or to start conversations. Some children can find drawing pictures a good way

of understanding things. We used to draw pictures of all the different houses and places they’d been and we’d get a pen and do footprints/steps all over it and talk about everyone as we drew. It usually ended up a mess of scribbles but helped reinforce their story and what was happening.

5 Language It’s important to use the same words to describe adoption and

the move. Things like ‘forever family’; ‘tummy mummy’ etc have all been used to start to describe the different families. I have to say I’m not a big fan of either of those phrases but if your child knows them and makes sense of them just keep using them. We talk about our children’s ‘first mummy and daddy’ and to begin with we were ...

Preparing for adoption

“A consistent message lays

strong foundations”

Fiona Strachan shares her top tips for moving a child onto adoptive parents as smoothly as possible

Any info given to the child must be age appropriate



This fun and enchanting book is about two girls from world’s apart

who become friends. Aimed at seven to ten year olds, Katie has a loving, stable family and a faithful dog called Twinkle. When her family moves house to a different area she meets lots of new people. Kimble is a friendly ghost searching to find out what happened to her family, and needs Katie’s help to say goodbye to the past.

The book deals with trust, friendship and being welcomed and accepted into a new family. It is a fun adventure that children will enjoy. Many children in care will be able to relate to Kimble, who longs to find her mother, and cautiously becomes part of Katie’s family.



Gatwick Bear, by Anna Cuffaro (Sparkling Books) £9.99 ISBN: 97819072300280An exciting adventure for kids to enjoy. Gatwick Bear is named after the airport where he lives, and gets into lots of trouble while he tries to find a real home with a new family. To get your hands on a copy, visit http://www.sparklingbooks.com/gatwick_bear/ref/www.fosterfamilies.co.uk/, or answer this question for your chance to win one:

Where does Gatwick Bear live?

a) Gatwick Airport b) Heathrow Airport c) Manchester AirportEmail your answer, along with your name and address to [email protected] with the subject line ‘Gatwick Bear’. Or you can post your entry to Foster Families, Flat 2, 2a Brook Street, Worcester, WR1 1JB. The closing date is May 10th 2011, and the first correct entry picked at random on this date will win.

Books for kids...Take a look at these fun books with loveable characters for the children in your care to relate to

WIN! WIN!

Here’s your chance to win a set of Katie and Kimble books, including A Ghost Story, and The Magic Wish To enter, simply answer this question: What is Katie’s dog called? a) Sparkle b) Lightning c) Twinkle Email your answer, along with your name and address to competitions@

fosterfamilies.co.uk with the subject line ‘Katie and Kimble’. Or you can post your entry to Foster Families, Flat 2, 2a Brook

Street, Worcester, WR1 1JB. The closing date is May 10th 2011, and

the first correct entry picked at random on this date will win.

Katie & Kimble: A Ghost Story, by Linda Thieman (Juvenile Books Series) ISBN: 9780979439612

Fun adventure for

children

WIN!

Fun adventure for

children

Reading together is a good way to bond

...and books for carersThis is not the full version - to read all the articles, download the full version for just £1 or subscribe to the printed version. The printed copy comes out four times a year, and costs £2 per issue or £7 for the whole year. The printed copy has no extra adverts, just lots more advice, support, fun and personal articles. Email [email protected] or subscribe at www.fosterfamilies.co.uk.

For our fab list of books for carers please download the full version from http://fosterfamilies.co.uk/spring2011.html



WIN! WIN!

Time to read Cathy’s storyAuthor Cathy Glass shares why she decided to foster

Cathy Glass has spent the last 20 years caring for children of all ages and backgrounds. She

also has three children of her own, two natural and one adopted.It is the true-stories behind some of these children which have formed the basis for the books she is now known for internationally. Through her books, which are regularly in the top 10 best-sellers list, Cathy portrays the suffering and courage

of some of the most vulnerable children in our society. Her ‘calling’ for fostering began when she saw an advert in the local newspaper, following a career in

civil service.“The advertisement said that foster carers were

desperately needed, and so I went along to an introductory evening and never looked back.“I’ll admit that at times fostering is very demanding, but the rewards are never ending.”

Cathy has always combined writing with fostering. Before the publication of her fostering memoirs she had written several short stories, articles, and poems for various

national magazines and newspapers.“I think writing is a sort of therapy for me, and certainly telling the children’s stories has helped me to come to terms with what they’ve been through.”Since publishing her first book in ...

“It’s demanding, but the rewards

never end”

For more information on Cathy Glass and her books, visit www.cathyglass.co.uk.


In a parent-child relationship, the purpose of

attachment is to make the child feel safe, secure and protected. Attachment is categorized as either secure (healthy) or insecure (damaged).The three types of insecure attachment are: ambivalent, avoidant and disorganised. In this article we’ll focus specifically on the ambivalent style.

Ambivalent attachmentThis develops when a caregiver is emotionally unpredictable - sometimes she is available and at other times she is unavailable. Because the child can’t predict when

her parent will be available, the child tries various ways to gain her attention, such as fussy or clingy behaviour. Ambivalent attachment can be described as a ‘push/pull’ relationship between the parent and child. The child initially wants closeness with her parent, but also fears closeness so will act up or shut down to distance her caregiver. For most parents this behaviour is confusing and frustrating.

Wade and Kimberly’s storyWade and Kimberly are first time parents. After much consideration, they schedule a therapy appointment to discuss concerns about their three year old son, Luis.

Kimberly begins, “We brought Luis home from Colombia when he was 16 months old. We thought he had a good foster home. We don’t understand it... we thought we were doing well.” Wade and Kimberly notice Luis’ behaviours but aren’t sure if this is average three year old or adoption related behaviours. Problematic Behaviours:Kimberly says,“Luis won’t accept ‘no’ from us. Time-outs don’t work. If I get upset he says, ‘Mum, your hair looks nice. I like you very much.’ It makes me wonder if he’s manipulating me.” Wade adds, “He runs into his room, hides and screams, ‘Don’t touch me!’ Then, he’ll scream for one of us ...

Does the child in your care pull you close just to push you away again? Carol Lozier takes a look at the push/pull relationship of Ambivalent Attachment

Don’t push me!



I fostered an Afghani boy who was age assessed at 15. He was an asylum seeker and didn’t speak a

word of English. I am a white British single female carer and took him in on an emergency basis... I don’t know who was more shocked, me or him! Culturally, Farshad* was in shock that a single woman lived on her own with her own house and car etc. And then there was the obvious language barrier.Translator please! He spoke Dari or Persian - of which there aren’t many translation sites online. I knew there was a street in Doncaster that has a lot of different ethnicities living and working on it, so I went down and entered a café which was full of men. It was like walking into an old wild west saloon – everyone stopped talking and stared! The manager came bustling out and I asked him for help. I explained who I was and the situation I was in. He didn’t speak Dari but a similar language. He asked if anyone in the café could help, and a guy stepped forward and spoke to Farshad. I just wanted some basic info on diet and religion. Meanwhile, the manager bustled about in the kitchen and came out with a full-on Afghan meal for us, which was a great comfort for Farshad to have some food he recognised. He refused to take any money for the meal, and promised to bring some food to my house that night as he lived close by. He brought us many more free meals too! The man who was speaking to Farshad said that their languages were not quite the same and gave me the name and location of another Afghan man who came from the same region. After the meal we went to see

Saffi who spoke fluent Dari. Throughout my time with Farshad he was brilliant - I could phone him anytime and often used him as an interpreter.Religion That first day Saffi and Farshad had a long conversation where I found out he was very religious and only ate Halal food. He wanted to go to mosque and get a Quran and prayer mat. The mosque leader was quite shocked to see me there and after I’d explained about Farshad he welcomed him and took him under his wing. At the mosque one day I asked a couple of young men where I

could get a Quran and prayer mat from. They invited us to their house and gave Farshad a Quran and prayer mat.

They refused any money, saying that in their culture they could only pass the Quran on with love not money. Fast learningI bought a children’s picture dictionary with everyday items around the outside of the pages and a picture in the middle to show the place and context these items would be seen in. As we went through the book Farshad wrote down how to pronounce the words in English by the side of the pictures. I went through my house pointing out and demonstrating various items. He was mesmerised by the cooker, fridge and kettle! He learnt really quickly and within a month we could hold a basic conversation in English. I learnt a few words of Dari too.I located a halal meat shop and downloaded some Afghan recipes which I cooked for him.

The end of the placementUnfortunately the placement had to come to an end as culturally he found it difficult to live with a single woman, and with dogs - which are seen as dirty. Another reason was that Ramadan was coming up and I didn’t know very much about it. I had befriended an Asian foster family through Farshad and they said they’d be happy for him to move in with them. They followed Islam and the whole household observed

Ramadan. So he moved in there and stayed for a few months until he was relocated to a different area.

I have to say my local Afghan community were brilliant. They made it much easier and were very tolerant of my ignorance in their religion and ways.

Welcome to the cultureLeanne Rose tells how the local Afghan community welcomed her when she fostered an Afghani boy

“Everyone stopped talking

and stared”

“Saffi was brilliant - I could phone him anytime”

Photo: (Flickr) Ivan Mlinaric

Culture is a big part of who we are

*name changed to protect identityPhotos do not show children in care

Have you got a story to tell? Email it to [email protected].



PPProttteecctt Youurrsselvess, YYour FFamilyy aandyyyyoouur Foosstteeringg RRegistrraation.

FFFoorrr mmoree ddetailss aand too aapplyy oonlineevvisitt www.fosteringsupport.co.ukoorr ccall 01730 231603

Independent Support for Foster Carers subject to Allegations or Complaints for just £52 annually.

Positive Learning Ltd - Delivering professional training products and events specialising in Health and Social Care issues, with a particular focus on Safeguarding and Child Protection.

Foster carers can individually attend any of our courses and events held throughout the year or we can design and deliver In-house Training for Foster Care groups, agencies and organisations. - Helping foster carers gain practical skills and knowledge to enable them to overcome the challenges they encounter and ensuring young people in care maximise their potential. Examples of some of our training topics include:

Dealing Effectively with Challenging Behaviour Child Protection and the Internet

Supporting Young People Leaving CareDomestic Violence and the Impact on Child DevelopmentManaging ADHD and other Autistic Spectrum Disorders

Children and Young People who Self-harm

Call 01243 544 960 or visit www.positivelearning.co.uk for more information on these and other topics available

Professional Development and Training for Foster Carers

Photo: (Flickr) Ivan Mlinaric

Health Spring 2011 foster families 14


Is toilet training driving you potty?Top potty training tips from Starr Medical’s Janet Blannin and advice on how to tell when they’re ready

The normal age at which bladder control is

achieved varies widely. However, the majority of children are dry by the age of five years,

with some as early as 18 months and others even later. Getting control of bladder and bowel movements is a complicated process. Potty training is yet another important milestone reached by the developing child. The child will get there in his or her own time and the process cannot be hurried... even if continence is a condition of entry into the nursery at the tender age of three years.I have often heard parents talk about when they are going to start potty training, ‘I thought I would take a week off work and really get down to it’ or ‘She is nearly two so I must get

her out of nappies’. Parents will crow about the early success of their child’s potty training achievements because that’s what we do as parents, so try not to be influenced by your friend’s success. The child in your care is unique and will develop bladder control in his or her own timescale and that will be the right time for them.

Gaining bladder control early is not so much a reflection of your child’s intelligence as it is the maturity of the developing

systems that allows the child to be continent. Successful potty training largely depends on parents or carers noticing the early signs that the child is ready. TimingWhen you feel the time is right and your child is keen and enthusiastic to sit on the potty, it need not be a long drawn out business of embarrassing

episodes of puddles... although some accidents are, of course, inevitable. Prompt You’ll need to prompt the child in your care to use the potty at first. Your earlier observations will

have shown the length of time they can delay a wee, so don’t be tempted to constantly offer the potty as the child will quickly get bored with the process. Offer the potty shortly after taking a drink, and then at intervals of every two hours or so. Let them enjoy it Try to make potty training fun, be patient and understanding, never get cross, make little of any accidents, and be reassuring. No more nappies Don’t be tempted to go back to the nappies as this will only confuse your child and once you have made the decision to start, stick with it. Putting a nappy on when you go out can be very confusing as you are telling the child to wee in the potty at home ...

“Bladder control will develop at the

right time for them”

Here are some of the early signs to look out for:

1The child can stay dry for at least two hours between nappy

changes

2The child shows signs that they are aware when they wee or poo

3The child can understand what you tell them to do and follow

simple instructions

4They can get on and off the potty without your help

5The child can pull down their pants with minimal help from

you

6The child has regular bowel habits

Photo: Todd Morris

To read the rest of this article please download from

http://fosterfamilies.co.uk/spring2011.html

Health Spring 2011 foster families 14

We’ve teamed up with Sunday Times best-selling author Cathy Glass to offer 10 lucky readers a copy of her 8th book, ‘Mummy Told Me Not to Tell’ – usual price £6.99. For your chance to win, use the questions to fill out the crossword. The coloured squares are an anagram of

a word linked to the book. Once you’ve worked that out, email your answer to [email protected] with the subject line ‘Cathy Glass’, or post it to: Competitions, Flat 2, 2a Brook Street, Worcester, WR1 1JB. Don’t forget to include your name and address. The first ten correct entries drawn will win the prize. The competition closes May 10th 2011.

Win

10 Cathy Glass books to win!

For more information on Cathy and her other books, visit: www.cathyglass.co.uk.

Across 1. _______ Jolie, actress who played Lara Croft in Tomb Raider (8) 5. Flower known for its smell (8) 10. ______ Girls, movie starring Helen Mirren (8) 11. Group of running animals (8)

Down 1. Have the skill and know-how (4) 2. The opposite of receive (4) 3. The ___ effect, men’s toiletry slogan(4) 4. Type of bread (4) 6. ‘Add to ___’ popular online shopping phrase (4) 7. Steering part of a ship (4) 8. Lazy (4) 9. 1993 family film, ____ Willy (4)

Have you seen the Narnia movies, or even read the Narnia books? Now you can return to the magic and wonder of C.S. Lewis’ beloved world via the magnificent ship, The Dawn Treader, in this fantasy-adventure. The Voyage of the Dawn Treader marks the return to Narnia for courageous voyagers Edmund (Skander Keynes) and Lucy Pevensie (Georgie Henley). Joined, against his will, by their cousin Eustace (Will Poulter). This latest expedition follows the three adventurers as they are swallowed into a painting and transported to the magical world. On their journey they connect with King Caspian (Ben

Barnes) and a noble mouse named Reepicheep for a mission that will determine the fate of Narnia itself. Among the highlights to be explored on the Blu-ray voyage are: an interactive map showcasing more about this magical land and the seven secret islands; an all-new story extension – The Secret Islands: The Untold Adventures of the Dawn Treader; character discoveries; secret scenes; games and much more. Now you can win the DVD in our competition. See below for details!

Enter a number between 1 and 4 in each empty square so that every row, every column and every 2 by 2 box contain all four of the numbers

between 1 to 4.Work out what number should be in the blue square for your chance to

win the DVD.

Sudoku Numbers For your chance to winFind the missing number in the blue box on the Sudoku game (right) and email your answer to [email protected] with the subject line ‘Narnia’, or post it to: Competitions, Flat 2, 2a Brook Street, Worcester, WR1 1JB. Don’t forget to include your name and address. The first two correct entries drawn will win. The competition closes May 10th 2011.

Win

3 4

4 2

3

Win The Voyage of the Dawn Treader Now two children can win this movie

by entering our competition! It sails onto high-definition Blu-ray and DVD on 18 April 2011 from Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment.

Is toilet training driving you potty?

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Documents

Foster Families Spring 2011 Sample