TMLiving Compass Wellness Points

Journeying Toward Wholeness with All Your Heart, Soul, Strength, and Mind

Forgiveness,Is It the Hardest Choice?

Every once in a while we hear about people who choose to forgive someone who did something to them that produced tragic consequences. An example that comes to mind is how the Amish Community of Nickel Mines, PA forgave Charles Roberts, a man who killed five of their children before taking his own life. Members of the Amish Community attended Robert’s funeral to support Robert’s widow and three children and then went on home to continue the work of forgiveness in their community.

Such stories can give each of us hope. If others can do the work of forgiving such an unimaginable act of violence, then perhaps we can forgive someone who has wronged us as well. No matter how deep our experience of hurt, we are all given opportunities to forgive and to be forgiven.

Making It PersonalLiving Well in Thought, Word, and Deed

Now that you’ve read through the information in this “Forgiveness” wellness point, we invite you to make it personal to your own life. Note how this material may have stirred up a new thought or insight for you, or how this material may have sparked a desire for you to talk with someone about what you have read. This material may have also inspired you to do something new or different in your life.

Thought: What is the most important thought or insight that speaks to you personally about the role forgiveness could play in your life?

Word: Is there a conversation you would like to have with someone to either offer your forgiveness or ask for another’s forgiveness?

Deed: Is there something you would like to do in regard to seeking forgiveness or forgiving another?

Prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make us instruments of your peace. Where there is hatred, let us sow love;

where there is injury, pardon; where there is discord, union;

where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.

Grant that we may not so much seek tobe consoled as to console;

to be understood as to understand;to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen.

Forgiveness ResourcesLiving Compass Resources

Living Compass offers a four-week class based on this “Forgiveness” wellness point that provides an opportunity to explore topics introduced here in greater depth and in a group setting. Find out when your church or organiza-tion offers this class. Living Compass provides other resources such as materials for classes, small coach-ing groups, and retreats for adults, teens, and parents, as well as resources on the Living Compass website at www.LivingCompass.org.

Websites

The Forgiveness ProjectThose who have chosen to forgive are often so empowered by the new life they discover that they look for ways to share their stories of whom they have forgiven and why. One place people are sharing such stories and seeking to help each other is through The Forgiveness Project. Learn more at www.TheForgivenessProject.com.

The Power Of ForgivenessThis site explores recent research into the psychological and physical effects of forgiveness under a wide variety of conditions. The website offers resources, stories, and tools. Also be sure to check out the documentary film of the same name. Learn more at www.thepowerofforgiveness.com.

Books

No Future Without Forgiveness, Desmond Tutu, 2000.

The Book of Forgiving, Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu, 2014.

Living CompassLiving Compass is based on the belief that there is a deep, life-giving connection between faith and wellness. Our faith acts like a compass to help us check our bearings while at the same time providing ongoing direction for our lives. It is also based on the belief that we cannot be well by ourselves; this journey toward wellness requires the care and support of others.

The Living Compass ministry provides a structure and a process for this journey for both individuals and communities. Our materials will help you name what God is already saying to you. Then, with the support of others, you will take steps that will lead you on the road to the greater wellness that God desires for you.

It is an honor to walk with you on your journey toward wellness and wholeness.

The Rev. Dr. D. Scott Stoner, LMFTCreator of Living Compass

For more information contact:www.LivingCompass.org

414-964-4357

Copyright © Living Compass 2014.

www.LivingCompass.org

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HEART

It takes a great deal of emotional energy to hold on to hurt. You will find that one of the benefits of doing the hard work of forgiveness is that it frees up emotional energy within yourself. When someone hurts you, you will likely spend time and energy reliving the hurt and your reaction to it. Making the choice to forgive, though, will release you from the emotional turmoil and exhaustion that comes from holding on to hurts, grudges, and resent-ments. The choice to forgive, or not, is always ours.

Choosing not to forgive can result in: • strained or damaged relationships • increased anxiety and/or depression • unresolved guilt and shame • hardening of one’s heart

The Bible tells many stories, such as the story of Pharaoh and the Egyptians in Exodus, revolving around the hardening of hearts. There are stories of people who were so set in their ways and so sure of what they were doing that they could not feel empathy or see how another person might be hurting because of what they had done to them. The good news is that God works to soften the hardness of hearts and helps people begin to see a new way. Once your heart is open, healing can begin.

Forgiveness gives us the capacity to make a new start. – Archbishop Desmond Tutu

SOUL

Then Peter came and said to him, “Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times.”

– Matthew 18:21-22 (NRSV)

This passage does not mean you should keep a score sheet and not forgive the 78th time somebody offends you. Instead, this means that God calls you to forgive over and over again. Why? It is because forgiveness is about re-connecting with God and one another and needs to be a focus in our lives every day. When you are angry, resentful, and hateful, you separate yourself from others. When you can come to a place of forgiveness, however, you find peace and reconnection.

If someone has hurt you, pray for help in forgiving the other. You may also want to talk to a priest or other professional if you need help letting go of that anger and hurt. Letting go will let you move on with your life and become the person God has made you to be.

If you are the one who has done the hurting, you may find it healing to seek out a clergy person or other trusted person and talk with them about the process of reconciliation. Living with guilt and shame can be even more difficult to live with than not being forgiven. If you have hurt another, ask both God and the person you hurt for forgiveness so you can begin anew.

Remember that you may have hurt another with a thought, word or deed, by things you have done, and by the things you have left undone. Forgiving another is also done through a thought, word, or deed on your part as well. There is no day like today to engage in the work of forgiveness.

STRENGTH

Choosing not to forgive can affect your physical health and wellness. Studies have shown that people who forgive live happier, less stressful lives. People who do not forgive live with related stress that can cause high blood pressure, depression, anxiety, or sleep disturbances. Choosing not to forgive can clearly take a toll on you and your relationships.

Forgiveness is a choice to free yourself from the hurt of the past. When you choose to forgive, it is a common experience to feel freedom and to feel an openness to new situations and feelings. When you choose to forgive, you may very well feel that you have more energy, that you feel fewer aches and pains, and that you feel better all around.

There are many reasons to choose to forgive. It is a good choice to make, a choice that will enhance your own wholeness. Forgiveness, like so many worthwhile things, takes time. It is okay, and actually a good thing, to give yourself time to live and grow into your decision to forgive.

As you journey toward forgiving yourself or another, think about to whom you can turn for support. Support in the form of another person with whom you can discuss your situation will help relieve stress related to the process of forgiving.

MIND

You have heard the phrase, “forgive and forget.” However, those two concepts don’t necessarily belong hand in hand. If you try to forget a hurt, you try to wipe the hurt away from your mind. Forgiving, in contrast, does not negate the act of the person you are forgiving; instead, you acknowledge it and remember what happened, learning from what happened in hopes of avoiding future hurt.

Forgiveness also does not mean condoning another person’s actions or words. It does not mean allowing someone to get away with something or make them less accountable. Forgiveness does not replace justice. Forgiveness is for the forgiver because it allows you to take control of the hurt and move forward in your life.

When you are working on forgiveness:

1. Be honest with yourself about how you feel about the actions or words that hurt you.

2. Realize that no matter how long ago the situation happened, you can still hurt.

3. Journal about your hurt as a way to release it. Talk to a trusted friend or a professional if you think talking it through would be helpful.

4. Try to see the other person as a child of God who may be hurting too.

5. Practice stress management techniques, relax your body, and soothe your mind.

6. Choose to focus on hope, love, friendship, and the future.

7. Turn to God for support.