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FOREVER ANGELSLoss Support Network Newsletter #15­07

Hello Everyone

I have been thinking about Balance. So much of what we do in our lives works betterwhen balance is included. Here are some examples of what I mean by Balance, beginningwith the most obvious, eating and exercise! LOL Calories in and calories out. Funny howthat works. There are also family/friends and quiet time; workload and vacation;completing a project and being proud because we did such a great job; eating candy andbrushing one's teeth; and so on. Balance makes us feel better in so many different waysand areas of our lives and helps with feelings of content. However, whenever we lean toomuch one way or the other, there is usually a price to pay at some point, and not always apleasant one (headaches, insomnia, anxiety, short­tempered, for examples). I think thatgrief also requires balance whenever possible. It goes without saying that anniversaries,birthdays, death days, meaningful events (a graduation, wedding, birth of new baby,moving) can all trigger feelings of loss and pain as we realize that our loved one(s) ismissing from the milestones in our lives. Events not shared, noticeable by their absence,comparisons are made, tears may flow. In between, we go on with our lives, making aliving, making a new friend, taking a course, buying a new car. There is an automatic kindof balance that happens which allows us to move forward and keep on living.

There is another balance that needs to happen in multiple­birth loss and that is anawareness of the two opposite sides of such a loss: first, the natural one of the bereavedparents, the pain of the loss of a much­wanted child, the loss of a unique parenting

experience and the wrong order of how life should play out. Then other side speaks to thesurvivor(s)'s experience in the loss of their co­multiple(s). Focus too much on either oneor the other, and someone loses out. Over the years, we have discussed much about theparents' grief and how to offer meaningful support, love and caring. Today I am thinking ofthe survivor(s)'s perception of the situation. Maturing survivors of early loss share alltypes of feelings such as: emptiness, lack of a safe place to discuss what they arefeeling about the loss of their special sibling, lack of recognition of their loss by theirparents including over time, their inability to express to parents (and maybe not noticed bythe parents) feelings of being conflicted, a fear that they too will die or should die(survivor's guilt ­ even if they have not actually met each other in life), their aloneness notonly with the loss of their co­multiple but also that a fear they are the only one around whofeels such emptiness. There is an additional painful situation when parents, for whatevertheir reasons may be, do not share with their survivor about their origins of being a co­multiple. The survivor finds out when they least expect it, either from a relative or goingthrough papers of a parental estate. The shock of learning the truth and not having anopportunity to learn more about their origins severely, usually negatively, affects life'sbalance for the survivor. The fabric of who they are is changed forever versus learningfrom an early age they were part of a set and feeling safe about asking questions andworking through it all. Even so, there are no guarantees and survivors can still suffer fromtheir loss throughout their lives.

The challenge is that both sides of this painful equation need to be addressed in whateverway it is that works for each family. The necessary discussion(s) has become more andmore evident as survivors of a multiple­birth reach out and actively seek understandingabout what they are feeling, as well as a safe place to discuss their fears. Society todayis generally more vocal about their wants and needs and this is certainly true in the case ofsome survivors. Some home situations can have challenges: as parents try to findbalance between their grief and carrying on for themselves and the sake of their otherchildren, juxtaposed with survivors maturing and become more acutely aware (desperate?)of what they have missed, and the confusion they feel around having difficulty makingmeaningful relationships work, constantly seeking "something" or "someone," or arecaught between a rock and a hard place and may not wish to add to the burden of parentswho are unable to discuss their loss. Life can feel completely overwhelming without theirco­multiple, even when the loss is very early. In such cases, it may be helpful to involvesome professional support to help find some balance and guidance as survivors face theirloss(es) as it reflects on them.

Only by talking about and recognizing thatthere are two sides, two stories regarding lossin multiple­birth, can we hope to provide somebalance and understanding for each sideaffected by the loss of these precious andimportant people.

Thinking of you,

LyndaP.S. Thank you so much to those of you whowrote to offer your condolences on the loss ofmy Father. It is greatly appreciated.

On the Net . . .

There is NO CURE for the death of a child.www.nowIlaymedowntosleep.org

Brothers and sisters are as close as hands and feet. ~Vietnamese proverb

Letter to the Editor. . .RE: Forever Angels, #15­06

Hi, Lynda,

Yours was a very helpful reply to the person who wrote about her friend whose son's twindied in­utero. But I did want to comment on the advice to "not" mark the birthday of thebaby who died the day before but rather on the day after the birthday of the living child. For many of us, including myself, who experienced the death in­utero of one of our babiesin the third trimester, we learned of the death of the baby on one day and then they weredelivered in the following day. In my case, it was about 10 hours apart but on two dates,so it is natural to consider the one day the anniversary of our son who died, and the nextday the birthday of our son who lived, as well as the day they were both delivered. Bothstillbirth and neonatal death in twins involve not just the birthdays (usually the same day)but the anniversary=death date of the baby who died (which is often different from thebirthday). From that perspective, it would be absolutely strange for me to ignore the daythat my son died.

The other thing, though, is suspending the emotions, which could make the living child feelmore overshadowed on his or her birthday. I found that by considering April 7 "Andrew'sday", a day to be as quiet as we wanted, think about him without any guilt (includingspending time by myself, writing a letter to him), pick out and bring some flowers to thecemetery, that's what made it possible to have a really good day on the birthday that wastruly focused on our living son and his being completely special (which he did on mostother days too! it's not that everything is about a child's birthday!). When there are twins,there is an emotional bond to both babies that doesn't go away and the emotions about theone who died can't be ignored or suspended without having a lot of impact...It's all just partof the "messiness" of twin loss but each person and family is able to find a way of doingthings with birthdays and anniversaries over time that is healthy for everyone (andcounseling is a really good idea when it helps parents to identify their own needs in relationto their living child's needs).

Best, Jean

Jean Kollantai Jean's twin son, Andrew, died just before his and surviving twin Berney's,due date. Their brother, Alex, was born 22 months later. Jean is the founder of Center forLoss in Multiple Birth (CLIMB) in Alaska, www.climb­support.org

Question and Suggestions. . .Question: Hi, I am a fraternal twin. I was born 4 months early, so was my twin brother. I weighed 1 pound 6 onces then dropped down to just 8 ounces. My brother was born 1

pound 4 ounces. He died a day after we were born due to his breathing. My mom tookhim off life support..but I was able to breathe on my own even though my heart stopped 88times in the night. I have no complications and am a healthy 24­year old woman. I'm tornbecause my family hardly brings him up. I have no pictures or even his footprints. My dadtook them and claims he has to find them (parents split up). I feel him everywhere. I'vehad dreams of him but have no idea what he looks like. I can sit down and feel someonesitting next to me. This is the first time I've looked up twinless twins. How can I getthrough these heavy thoughts I've been having all of a sudden? It's hard to even sleep. E.

Suggestions:Hello E, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your special brother. We know thatmultiples are aware of each other in the womb (Alessandra Piontelli, The InternationalReview of Psycho­Analysis journal, 1989, Vol. 16, Part 4), so it is possible multiples haveknowledge of each other beyond the womb when one dies in utero. Could I suggest thatyou and your father agree on a day to get together and discuss the situation. Clarifywith him, and perhaps your Mom as well, if there are indeed any pictures of you andyour brother, could you help him/her look for them? There may also be close familymembers who might have some photos, e.g. mother's sister, grandmother, etc. Indicateyou are also interested in your brother's footprints and it would mean a lot to you tohave them found. Make eye contact, let him know you really need this closure and tohold/have these items. Knowing that they are extremely important to you and yourfeelings of peace, may just bring him around. Setting a mutually convenient time tosearch for the items will take off some pressure and reenforce your needs. You couldhave copies made of everything that speaks to you with a promise to return theoriginals. You might consider putting together a scrapbook on your brother and askingone or both of your parents to help you with the content to make it special. There may besome resistance, but quiet, calm perseverance may win, if not for today, then perhapstomorrow or next week. "I really need this, Dad," usually catches the parent'sattention. There may be a way to make additional copies of his footprints. With somany changes in technology, it might be possible.

So you are aware, there are two sides to this loss, one is yours and all that entails, i.e.your dreams, sense of not being alone, failure of a safe place to discuss him and yourfeelings about his loss, and perhaps more. The other side is about the parents who lost awanted child, perhaps blame a body for letting one down and therefore you were born soearly, the loss of a special type of child­rearing, i.e. raising twins, and it is the wrongorder, i.e. parents shouldn't have to bury a child. What you would be looking for in asensitive manner is finding a way that you could all come together to support each otherand talk about him, maybe grieve, and to help you all heal.

There is an organization in the US focusing on Twinless Twins and they can be reachedat www.twinlesstwins.org They may also be able to guide you. They have on­goingsupport group meetings around the US and sometimes Canada.

It would be realistic for you to want this explanation and objects as well as anyquestions answered about you and your brother's beginnings you might need answered. Maybe you could record the conversation before anything happened to either of yourparents. If they don't want to record the conversation, buy yourself a beautiful journaland at your first chance, either during or after the meeting, write down everything youremember that was discussed so it is still fresh in your mind. It is amazing how fast wecan forget the finer details, so a recording or as soon as possible written account ofwhat transpired, can really become important.

If you feel you would like to connect again, please do not hesitate to get in touch.

Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your brother.

Lynda

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Question: My twin died. I need to talk with someone cause I really can't deal with thisby myself. SOMEONE please Help! I don't want to die cause right now I want to be withher. HELP! S.

SuggestionsHello S,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your twin. You didn't say how old you are, at whatpoint you lost her or how. Not that that would make a difference because at any age theloss of such a special sister would be devastating. It just helps me to know a little of thebackground. While I can "hear" you are in great pain, I feel very sure in reassuring youthat your sister would not want you to die too. I would bet she would not want you tochange places with her either. I feel quite certain that she would really want you to livea full and happy life, working towards your hopes and dreams with her in a little bit ofyour heart and remembering her at special times and perhaps in special places. Shewould also like you to say her name, I'd bet, too. You are the one person who can reallybe counted on not to forget her and what she stood for in the time you had together.

Please consider getting some one­on­one bereavement counselling from someone whounderstands the unique relationship that twins have. You may also consider groupbereavement counselling. Talking about your feelings and about your sister with anunderstanding person can be very helpful.

There is an organization in the US called Twinless Twins and they can be reachedat www.twinlesstwins.org They have special meetings around the country and offergreat support.

Please try hard not to die. It would be so hard for everyone who loves you and whowould miss you terribly. It is agreed that it is difficult to go from "we" to "I," but withproper supports in place, you may be able to move forward and celebrate your sisterrather that wishing to be with her before you need to. Some days will be easier thanothers and it is OK to laugh and enjoy yourself. Laughter will not diminish your love forher.

If you need to write to me again, please feel free to do so. I will answer.

Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your sister.Best wishes, Lynda

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