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HOW TO BE A GOOD

DIVORCED DAD

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HOW TO BE A GOOD

DIVORCED DADBeing the Best Parent You Can Be

Before, During, and After the Break-Up

Jeffery M. Leving

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Copyright © 2012 by Jeffery M. Leving. All rights reserved.

Published by Jossey-BassA Wiley ImprintOne Montgomery Street, Suite 1200, San Francisco, CA 94104-4594—www.josseybass.com

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, 978-750-8400, fax 978-646-8600, or on the Web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, 201-748-6011, fax 201-748-6008, or online at www.wiley.com/go/permissions.

Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifi cally disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fi tness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appro-priate. Neither the publisher nor author shall be liable for any loss of profi t or any other commer-cial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages. Readers should be aware that Internet Web sites offered as citations and/or sources for further information may have changed or disappeared between the time this was written and when it is read.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Leving, Jeffery. How to be a good divorced dad : being the best parent you can be before, during, and after the break-up / Jeffery Leving.—1st ed. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 978-1-118-11410-0 (pbk.); ISBN 978-1-118-22420-5 (ebk.); ISBN 978-1-118-23750-2 (ebk.); ISBN 978-1-118-24262-9 (ebk.) 1. Divorced fathers. 2. Parenting. I. Title. HQ756.L475 2012 306.89'2—dc23 2011050954Printed in the United States of Americafirst editionPB Printing 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

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For my daughter, who taught me how to be a good divorced dad and

helped me write this book

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vii

C O N T E N T S

Acknowledgments ix

Introduction 1

1 The Obstacles: Identify the Factors That Can Drive a Wedge Between You and Your Children 7

2 The Difference Between Good Dads and Struggling Fathers 25

3 The Impact of Divorce on Children: The Knowledge You Need, the Actions You Should Take 45

4 Romance: Use Your Head When It Comes to Your Heart 63

5 Money Issues: How to Manage Changing and Challenging Financial Situations 79

6 When There’s a New Man in Your Children’s Life:How to Avoid Being Replaced 97

7 Therapy Isn’t for Women Only: Dealing with Your Issues So You Can Have a Better Relationship with Your Kids 117

8 Legal Remedies: How the Courts Can Help You and Your Kids 133

9 Going Forward: How to Maintain and Strengthen Connections with Your Kids 149

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viii Contents

10 Developing Trends and Changes That Still Need to Be Made 155

Resources 165

Notes 169

Index 171

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ix

A C K N O W L E D G M E N T S

I couldn’t do what I do every single day without the fi nest team of attorneys assembled under one roof pursuing justice for our clients and their children so they can follow their dreams. Thank you all for your skill and knowledge.

My sincerest gratitude also goes to psychologist Dr. Alan Childs and psychotherapist Dr. Leon Intrater for their insightful and empathetic contributions to this book. They are brilliant at working with divorced dads and their children, and their experi-ence and expertise are invaluable.

Thank you, too, to private detective Wayne Halick for sav-ing and protecting our clients’ children without fear for your own safety.

And fi nally, thanks to Kate Bradford and her team at Jossey-Bass/Wiley for their belief in this book and their advice and support.

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HOW TO BE A GOOD

DIVORCED DAD

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1

I N T R O D U C T I O N

When Steven fi rst met with the lawyer he hired to handle his divorce, he told him that he didn’t want to try for joint custody of his fi ve-year-old son. When his lawyer asked him why, Steven responded that his wife, Joan, was a good mother and he was the one responsible for the failure of the marriage. “In fact,” he said, “I’ve pretty much failed at everything—I lost my job last year. I’m not a good role model for Joey [his son]. I don’t want him to grow up like me.”

On further inquiry, the lawyer came to learn that Steven wasn’t a failure at all: he had graduated from a top business school and had held a good corporate job until he was downsized along with hundreds of other people in the company. He also sounded as if he was a good father and husband. Steven and Joan’s fi nancial problems were the real contributor to the end of the marriage.

“I don’t want Joey to see me like I am now,” Steven said. “Maybe in a few years, when I get my act together, then I’ll try to be more involved in his life.”

The lawyer explained the legal facts of life to Steven: that given everything that Steven had told him, joint custody would be possible if he decided to pursue it now, that he should see a thera-pist to deal with what sounded like depression and low self-esteem, and that once men lose the connection with their children after a sustained period of separation, it becomes more diffi cult to recon-nect on both personal and legal levels.

1

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2 How to Be a Good Divorced Dad

“You may decide now to forfeit your custody opportunity and in a year or two fi le a motion for joint custody, but the courts are much more amenable to granting it at the time of a divorce than after years pass. They wonder why you didn’t want it from the beginning.”

Fortunately, Steven agreed to see a therapist. Even more for-tunately, he found a good new job shortly after. He was able to think more clearly about the divorce and decided to seek joint custody, which the court granted. But not everyone is as fortunate as Steven. If you’re divorced or in the process of getting a divorce, you may know exactly what I’m talking about.

Many men won’t seek out a therapist who can help them with self-esteem issues, depression, and other emotional maladies associ-ated with divorce. Many of these men are out of work or in fi nancial trouble, and it may take months or longer until they get their fi nancial house in order. Many men are so angry about the divorce that they make a series of mistakes—choosing the wrong lawyer, instructing the lawyer they hire to fi ght a war they can’t win, spending money that should be put away for their children’s future on expen-sive and unproductive litigation—that all harm their children.

The odds are that you care deeply about your children and want to do the right thing for them. You want to be the best divorced dad you can be. But the divorce process itself may make it diffi cult for you to fulfi ll this objective. You may be too emotion-ally distraught to make good decisions. You may be a victim of gender bias. You may pursue a legal strategy that isn’t in the best interest of your kids.

I’m writing this book to help you avoid the traps and problems that you may encounter in your quest to be a good divorced dad. Let me give you a sense of how my experiences compelled me to write this book.

A Fathers’ Rights Crusader

For over twenty-fi ve years, I have fought for the rights of dads in divorce and custody cases. I have built a Chicago law firm

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Introduction 3

that has earned the reputation of one of the premier firms in the country that represents divorcing dads and maintain a Web site, dadsrights.com, to support divorced fathers. I am the coau-thor of the new Illinois Virtual Visitation, Right to DNA Testing Notice, Unlawful Visitation or Parenting Time Interference, and Joint Custody Laws, which all improve fathers’ rights. In August 2009, I was selected by the White House Offi ce of Faith-Based and Neighborhood Partnerships as an expert resource to join senior White House staff and other community leaders at the fi rst White House Community Roundtable and Town Hall Meeting on Responsible Fatherhood and Healthy Families in Chicago. And I’m a divorced dad.

I note all this not to brag but to impress on you that I get it. I understand what you’re going through as a divorced dad, and I have been working most of my adult life to secure you equal rights under the law—and to change the law when equal rights aren’t possible.

What concerns me is that it has become more difficult in recent years to be a good divorced dad. This is due in large part to the absent father syndrome. More so than ever before, divorced dads are becoming disconnected from their kids. Here are some statistics that alarm me and I hope also alarm you.

According to just one study from the U.S. Census Bureau, 24 million U.S. children in the United States (34 percent) live apart from their biological father.1 The United States is now the world’s leader in fatherless families. In the early 1970s, Sweden reported the highest percentage of single-parent families. By 1986, the United States had taken over fi rst place in this category, and we have not relinquished this dubious distinction since that time. We now have millions of children growing up without full-time fathers or any father at all in their life. Now consider the following study results:

• Children who live apart from their fathers experience more accidents and a higher rate of chronic asthma and speech defects.

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4 How to Be a Good Divorced Dad

• Seventy-two percent of all teenage murderers grew up without fathers.

• Eight percent of the adolescents in psychiatric hospitals come from fatherless homes.

• Three of four teen suicides occur in single-parent homes.

• The absence of a biological father increases by 900 percent a daughter’s vulnerability to rape and sexual abuse. Often these assaults are committed by stepfathers or the boyfriends of custodial mothers.

What’s more difficult to measure, but what the other lawyers in my fi rm and I have observed over and over, is the increase of emotional absence. Many divorced dads are not involved in the decision-making process that affects their kids. They often don’t see them as much as they are entitled to, and when they’re with them, some are spending much of their time with their children watching television and not communicating. A depressed dad has diffi culty being a good dad, and a fi nancially broke, out-of-work dad has trouble feeling good enough about himself to parent effec-tively. Divorce combined with societal gender bias exacerbates these negative feelings, but it doesn’t have to be this way. This book will help you change things for the better.

What’s In It for You . . . and Your Kids

In the following pages, you’ll fi nd advice that will help you become a good divorced dad and stories that illustrate how others have done so and succeeded.

Some of the advice is legal, such as information about legal strategies to obtain custody, parenting, or visitation rights; the importance of language specifi city for dads in divorce agreements; how to fi nd the right lawyer for your situation; and ways in which you can make a case for sole custody if you feel your wife or the new man in her life is a danger to your children.

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Introduction 5

Some of the advice is personal. Although I’m not a psycholo-gist, I work closely with two psychologists, and they contributed a great deal to this book. In addition, lawyers who have worked extensively with divorcing dads come to be savvy about how a client’s psychological makeup affects their legal approach. I know the dangers of both depression and anger when it comes to mak-ing smart decisions about custody, visitation, and support. So the advice here is designed to help you get in the right frame of mind to do right by yourself and your children. In some instances, this may mean exercising extreme self-control when you’re in the pres-ence of your ex. In other instances, it may mean working with a therapist to address the emotional obstacles preventing you from being fully present in your child’s life.

The stories in this book cover both legal and personal territory. They are drawn from my experiences representing clients as well as those of my fi rm’s attorneys and other attorneys outside our fi rm. I have changed the names and some of the details because of attor-ney-client privilege, but the basic elements of the stories are what took place. Some of the stories offer cautionary lessons about mis-takes divorcing dads make. Others will motivate you to take the steps necessary to become more involved with your kids. I think all of them will resonate with you, since they capture the hopes and frustrations of most fathers who are going through divorce.

Finally, let me impress on you my belief that just about every-one has the ability and the desire to be a good divorced dad. Perhaps a tiny percentage are just bad people and don’t care about their kids (and never should have had them in the fi rst place), but the overwhelming majority want nothing more than to be a loving, involved parent. The fi rst step to achieving this goal is becoming aware of and overcoming the obstacles that stand in the way—the subject of the fi rst chapter.

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