8/12/2019 Feedback Teodora Udrescu to Mica Petcu

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Teodora Udrescu – feedback to Mica Petcu

Introduction:

1.  Has your established the background or has he/she stated the topic? (Justify your answer, give example)

Yes, we know from the first sentence that she will talk about materialism and depression and the connection

that is formed between these two.

2.  Does he/she have a clear thesis statement in which he/she clearly states his opinion? (Justify your answer, give

example)

Yes, it is clear and specific enough.

3.  Is his/her thesis statement an opinion that can be explained and discussed? Does it communicate clearly the

main idea of his/her essay? Does it communicate what he/she is going to demonstrate clearly? (Justify your

answer, give example)

The opinion can be explained and discussed and it interests the reader more because it is clearly stated that

she’s going to talk about a social problem. She states the issue even clearer in the next sentences:Depression

appears because of the lack of money or the desire to earn more. Also, because of the need to obtain, or

maintain a certain level of life. (there are a few language mistakes that I pointed out in the original

document). 

4.  What techniques has he/she used to attract the reader? (optional) (Justify your answer, give example)

maybe putting the thesis statement first and it being a short sentence, that also contains some words with great

impact on the reader.

I would eliminate the last sentence of the introductory paragraph, it seems irrelvant to me or, at least, too

vague.

Main body:

1.  Has he/she written clear, well-developed paragraphs? (Justify your answer, give example)

There are some minor language inaccuracies that I pointed out, but, other than that, they are clear and well-

developed (each paragraph has its own idea and arguments and they seem pretty relevant)

I think that the 3rd paragraph could use more connection to the main idea of the essay. The point is not to prove

that useless products are being promoted it today’s society, but that the large variety of them induces

materialism and not being able to own them causes depression (this is how I would structure my argument)

5.  Does he/she have a topic sentence and sufficient supporting evidence (justifications and reasons)? (Justify your

answer, give example)

Yes, you clearly see the topic sentences and they reflect the paragraphs:Everyone is equal in rights and

obligations ; One of the problem in today`s society is another fight: between the true supply and the

demand of products; Now, everyone is judged only on their appearance and possessions.

she has given examples (the example with the school uniform is very good because it is general enough for the

reader to be able to relate to it) to prove her point, while also using scientifical data.

Conclusion:

6.  Has he/she concluded his/her essay by restating his/her thesis statement? Has he/she summarized his/her

results? Is his/her conclusion sufficiently developed? (Justify your answer, give example)

8/12/2019 Feedback Teodora Udrescu to Mica Petcu

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Yes, it is a rephrasing of the thesis stament and the fact that she included some kind of ‘advice’ for the reader

makes it more relatable

Linking words and expressions:

7.  Has he/she used appropriate linking words/phrases to join the sentences within a paragraph? (Justify your

answer, give example)

she might have used more linking words for cause-effect and she overused phrases/words that are synonyms

with ‘now’, ‘nowadays’, etc. 

Formal style:

8.  Is he/she objective, impersonal and formal? (Justify your answer, give example)

yes, besides the last sentence of the 1st

 paragraph, in my opinion What strikes is the fact that everyone seems willing

to pay the price.

9.  Has he/she avoided using short forms, colloquial expressions (idioms, phrasal verbs, etc.)? Has he/she avoided

strong, emotional language? Has he/she avoided examples drawn exclusively from personal experience? (Justify

your answer, give example)Yes, the language is formal and clear, with little to none emotional implications. she used general examples and

also statistics (The National Institute of Statistics and a website)

Content

10. Has he/she achieved his/her task? Has he/she demonstrated his/her thesis? Any irrelevant details that may not

help his/her demonstration? Number of words? (Justify your answer, give example)

I think she achieved her task. I don’t see many irrelevant elements, but I think she could work on linking the

arguments to the thesis statement – as I formerly stated

Clarity

11.  Is his/her essay clear and easy to follow? Why?

It’s easy to follow because the paragraphs are well-structured (the examples and arguments are related to the

topic sentence)

Anything that you really liked about the essay? You must find something that you like!

  interesting topic 

  connected to the contemporary society 

  might really achieve its task by making us more aware of things we already know, but need to acknowledge at a

deeper level 

  nice connection between what is materialism for kids and how adults themselves promote materialism, thus

leading to depression