TheFearless FishOutofWaterHOW TO SUCCEEDWHEN YOU ’RE THE

ONLY ONE LIKE YOU

Robin Fisher Roffer

John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

Copyright © 2009 by Robin Fisher Roffer. All rights reserved.

Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey.Published simultaneously in Canada.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data:

Roffer, Robin Fisher, 1962-The fearless fish out of water : how to succeed when you're the only one like

you / Robin Fisher Roffer.p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.ISBN 978-0-470-31668-9 (cloth)1. Success in business. 2. Success. 3. Career development. 4. Self-realization.

I. Title.HF5386.R543 2009650.1–dc22 2008037686

Printed in the United States of America

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Contents

Acknowledgments v

Introduction vii

Step 1Go Fishing for the Real You 1

Step 2Use Your Differences as a Lure 37

Step 3Find a Few Fish Like You 69

Step 4Swim in Their Ocean Your Way 99

Step 5Put Yourself Out on the Line 127

Step 6Evolve by Casting a Wide Net 155

Step 7Reel in Your Unique Power 183

Fearless Last Words 211

iii

Acknowledgments

To the most Fearless Fish I know

I dedicate this book to my daughter

ROXY

and my husband,

STEVEN ROFFER,

who keeps it real each and every day.

And to my father

ROBERT J. EDELMAN

who fearlessly raised two girls on his own.

I give my love and appreciation

to my best friend and sister,

WENDY HARDMAN

I am blessed with a fantastic agent and cheerleader,

MEL BERGER

and a soulful and gifted collaborator,

DAVID CHRISTAL.

For supporting my spiritual quest

and showing me the meaning of true friendship,

SEDENA and GEORGE CAPPANNELLI

DEBORAH and MATTHEW MITCHELL.

v

I’d also like to give my heartfelt thanks

to my friends and business associates

who bravely showed me the way

SUSAN O’MEARA,

HAROLD “H” LEWIS,

GRACIELA MEIBAR,

JAY CORSON,

TESSA GOLDSTON,

and the woman who put me on the path

KIM YOUNGBLOOD.

vi ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Introduction

B eing different is good. That’s what I believe. But like manyof us growing up, I was told “children should be seen andnot heard,” “don’t rock the boat,” and “try to fit in.” Today,

the messages are more inclusive. We live in the “Gilded Age ofChildren,” where kids play in a Disney-walled garden that encour-ages all kinds of flowering and frowns on any kind of prejudice.

As a result, there’s a battle cry for authenticity in action, beingyour own person, and expressing your true self. From buildingFacebook pages, to programming our DVRs, to customizing theringtones on our cell phones—individualizing is everywhere.People want to do it their way; and yet that driving force to fitin with the group is still strong. As a result, the ones that look,think, or act in a unique way are sometimes not invited to meet-ings, ignored at gatherings, denied plum projects, and passed upfor promotions. The irony is that almost all of us at one point oranother have felt outside the circle or out of step with everyoneelse.

You may be someone who attracts attention. Maybe you’re acollege graduate in your first job. Maybe you’re the only woman ofcolor on the board. Maybe you have a strong accent; you’re from adifferent country and you’re trying to make it in a foreign culture.Maybe your colleagues are on their BlackBerrys, while you stillhave a Day Planner and think that “IM” is missing an apostrophe.You’re different from everyone. You’re a fish out of water.

I know what it’s like. I’ve been a fish out of water my wholelife. And I know what it can do for you. My aim in writing this

vii

book is to show people who are outside the circle—becauseof gender, race, age, style, attitude, or any other factor—how tomake it to the top; not in spite of their differences, but because ofthem. Being different is a powerful position if you know how touse it.

Back in my corporate days, I remember Monday morningsand that 9 o’clock meeting looming as I’d hurry to work. I couldn’tbe one minute late—I was a woman and one of the youngestdirectors in the company. My boss knewwhat I could do—he hiredme, he had confidence—but I’d always wonder if I belonged there.Everyone seemed to be in the swim except me.

Chances are during your career you’ve been the only personlike you in a room. You’ve felt left out, undervalued, unheard,ineffective, or misunderstood. You were a fish out of water; maybebecause of your values, maybe because of your circumstances. Youmight be someone who has worked hard for everything you haveand you’re surrounded by co-workers who have had it all handedto them. Or maybe you’re the creative maverick bumping intowalls in a corporate environment. Whatever the case, you feeloutside the circle because you’re different. How do you get insidewhen your differences keep you on the periphery?

As a fish out of water myself, I know that the very things thatset you apart can take you exactly where you want to be. When youfocus on the positive aspects of your differentness, instead of tryingto blend—your success has the potential to be unbounded. Thisbook will show you how to live your truth and have it all.

The following seven career-tested steps will give you themotivation and inspiration to turn your uniqueness into anadvantage. You’ll learn to recognize the strengths that your differ-ences give you and understand the secrets for positioning them towork for you. The personal stories of other Fearless Fish out ofwater—taken from interviews I have conducted with manysuccessful people in business, law, entertainment, and other

viii INTRODUCTION

industries—will show the way, along with the easy-to-followguidelines and engaging exercises I provide in each step.

This book will give hope to those who wonder if they canmake it when they’re not like everyone else. It will show you thatyou can be exactly who you are, live more deeply, and have a morerewarding career—all at the same time. That’s one of the secrets tosuccess for the fish out of water: Bemore of who you are. When yougive the world an authentic representation of the real you, you’llfind acceptance and even admiration. You’ll be a part of it all—without losing yourself.

Standing out can be lonely. It has its challenges. But it’s also anexceptional opportunity. Bob Dylan, Oprah, and Steve Jobs are justa few well-known personalities who were definitely not voted“most popular” in their graduating classes. But they never letothers’ views of them hold them back.

This book is the permission slip to celebrate your uniquestyle. Here are the insider secrets to doing it your way and livingbig!

Introduction ix

1StepGo Fishing for the Real You

Fearless Fish Out of WaterAccept Who They Are

� Open up to your authentic self.� Free yourself from the desire to conform.� Make a great first impression.� Bust the myths about you.� Accept yourself and others will follow.

Back in the day, I used to talk way too much (some wouldargue that I still do!). The more nervous I got, the more Iwould blabber on. Because this habit didn’t come from aplace of strength, others would see me as inauthentic—and, let’s face it, exhausting. This need to be heard wasjust one of the self-protections that had become part ofmyidentity. I grew up entertaining my single father afterdinner by performing song and dance shows for him inthe living room. Getting his attention was getting his love;and nothing meant more to me. Years later, on a seconddate with the man I would one day marry, he interruptedme as I regaled him with stories from my youth. “Will thereal Robin Fisher please stand up?” he asked. I burst intotears. No one had ever called me on my act before! I feltexposed, unsure of what to do next, where momentsearlier I’d felt confident and charming. I wanted to securehis interest, and I didn’t know how else to get it. Thisexperience was the turning point that showed me that Idon’t need to entertain to be appreciated. Friends helpedcement the message, telling me how happy they were tofinally feel I was letting them get to know the real me; andI, too, enjoyed our friendships more.

3

Somany of us continue our childhood roles into our adult life,only to find that they don’t work anymore. Maybe you’ve beenknocking yourself out to earn approval or worrying obsessivelyabout money because growing up your family always felt the lack.Sometimes it takes a wake-up call like mine to realize thatoperating as in the past or out of fear is a failed strategy.

None of us comes into this world with a handbook to guide usin developing our personalities. We simply jump into life and dothe best we can. But what if you feel different—that you somehowdon’t fit in with the norm, that you aren’t truly recognized andaccepted for who you are?

Trying to retrofit yourself into society and work life can bedaunting, burning you out before you’ve even had a chance toshine. What do you do? In my case, I got caught in the act that Iwas using to hide behind. I was fortunate that my future husbandwas perceptive enough to see through my facade. It allowed me torealize that we fish out of water need help; and who better to write aguidebook than someone who has been a fish out of water herentire life?

Humorist Erma Bombeck wrote a book titled If Life Is a Bowlof Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits? Funny as that is, itinadvertently highlights a truism about life: It’s all about percep-tion. You might ask, “I’m a fish out of water. What’s the good inthat?”Well, it’s a matter of perception. You either believe you’re “inthe pits,” or you realize you’re at the intersection of discovery andopportunity. How you come to understand that being a fish out ofwater is the best thing that could have ever happened to you iswhat this book is all about. And it may mean shifting yourperception so that you absolutely know you’ve been dealt thebest cards life has to offer.

Let’s start with a description of what a fish out of water is. Itliterally refers to a living creature having been removed from thesetting in which it’s able to survive. So if you’re a fish out of water,

4 THE FEARLESS FISH OUT OF WATER

you’ve been taken out of your natural environment. You attractattention, usually because you’re different from the people aroundyou. You are perceived as someone who doesn’t fit in; you’reoutside the norm, you think and dress differently; some may feelthat you’re too controversial. Many times, you’re considered aheadof your time, maybe even an iconoclast. Whatever you are, youdon’t run with the pack; instead, youmarch to the beat of your owndrum.

If I’ve just described you, count your blessings. You areindeed fortunate. Your natural characteristics are what will—andlikely, already have—set you apart in a positive way. You may notfeel very positive about those differences right now becauseyou’ve been busy trying to wish them away or cover them up.The truth is, you will stand out not because you’re different, butbecause you’re solidly grounded in who you are—with no apol-ogies. People will gravitate toward you because of your energy,confidence, and flair. But before any of that happens, you need tocome to terms with being a fish out of water—and a Fearless Fish,at that!

I had to come to terms with being raised by a single father. Ilonged to have a mother like the other kids in my school. I wishedfor our family to have moremoney like mywealthier classmates, allof whom seemed to receive a credit card the day they became a baror bat mitzvah. When I moved from Ohio to Alabama for college, Iwas not only seen as a Yankee, but I ran into prejudice as a Jew—one of 150 in a student body of 10,000. There, I came to realize thatmy differences sparked curiosity and, as a result, created opportu-nity. I had to come to terms with the fact that there were thingsabout myself that I could change and others I was simply going tohave to accept.

Being a Fearless Fish means not doing any of the following:hiding who you are; compromising your personality just to fit in;short-circuiting opportunities because you’re afraid of what

Go Fishing for the Real You 5

others will think; overemphasizing characteristics so others willthink you’re in the groove and on target; or letting others tell youhow to think, feel, and act—just so that they’ll feel comfortable andsafe.

If there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that acting out of fear andliving according to other people’s needs will definitely pigeonholeyou into being someone you’re not; and that’s not what life isabout. The universe offers a myriad of ways in which we canexpress ourselves and find success on so many levels, bothpersonal and professional. Our job is to be open to those possibili-ties and see how far we can go. Life truly is a journey; so why notmake the most of it?

So, let’s begin the journey of celebrating your distinctiveness.From my own personal experience of being a fish out of water, I’veput together a series of steps to help you realize your full potentialas a unique individual. They are:

Step 1: Go Fishing for the Real You

Step 2: Use Your Differences as a Lure

Step 3: Find a Few Fish Like You

Step 4: Swim in Their Ocean Your Way

Step 5: Put Yourself Out on the Line

Step 6: Evolve by Casting a Wide Net

Step 7: Reel in Your Unique Power

Step 1 to becoming a Fearless Fish out of water is to peel awaythe layers you’ve piled on in your attempts to fit in, uncovering thepower of your authenticity. Shedding old habits is often essential toopening up to your authentic self. It’s about being comfortable inyour own skin and accepting yourself. Easier said than done, Iknow! It takes real courage to dispel the myths about you and findout how to be yourself honestly. This is fearlessness.

6 THE FEARLESS FISH OUT OF WATER

As CEO and chief creative officer of Big FishMarketing, one ofthe entertainment industry’s preeminent brand marketing anddigital advertising agencies, I lead as a woman in a highly compet-itive, male-dominated field. I started my own ad agency at the ageof 30 and 15 years later, I was named one of the top 10 digitaladvertising strategists in the country. My client list includes someof the most high-profile brands in the world: dozens of televisionnetworks, several motion picture studios, and even a hot cosmeticscompany. Having this kind of presence in the business world takestalent, but it also takes confidence and confidence didn’t comenaturally to this fish out of water.

Getting to know ourselves is a lifelong process. One of myclosest friends recently said to me, “What if I’ve come this far and Istill don’t know who I am?” As much as we want to quicklyunderstand ourselves, there are no shortcuts to the truth. We’redeep and multifaceted, and we’re changing all the time. But at ourcore—in our souls—we are stable, vibrant beings with philosoph-ies, values, and perspectives that travel with us throughout ourlives.

Open up to your authentic self. Sounds scary, huh? “The realme?” Sometimes we’re not quite sure who that is. When we’re usedto feeling distant from the group, we tend to submerge our trueselves in an effort to be accepted. The real movers and shakers inthis world live their lives with conviction; they never hide whothey are. They accept that they were born different or landed incircumstances that make them different, and they embrace theopportunity to stand out from the pack. We all have that sameopportunity.

Getting to know ourselves is a lifelong process.

Go Fishing for the Real You 7

A friend of mine and a true Fearless Fish, Monica Halpert isone of the most creative people I’ve ever known. She is an ideamachine who’s totally tapped into pop culture. It’s exciting just tobe around her and see what she’s into. The trouble is employersalways want her to be more than the one with the big ideas; theywant Monica to mold herself into a marketing role where she has topore over research, crunch numbers, manage staff, and writestrategy. Her managers waste her innovative, multimillion-dollarmind with administrative duties rather than letting her flourish in acorner office as a tastemaker, thinking up one great concept afteranother and doing the stuff that really builds world-class brands.Monica has realized this and is repositioning herself as someonewho could take on the role of chief creative officer—a relativelynew title many companies are adding to their organizationalcharts. Being the first in a position that’s essentially just beeninvented is the ideal next step for someone like Monica who likesto work on the cutting edge.

Nathalie Lubensky, senior vice president of Disney andESPN Media Networks sees herself as a fish out of water. Thatstrong outsider feeling came to her early on in life—so much sothat being different has become second nature to her. No matterwhere she is, she knows she stands out and uses that to heradvantage.

I’ve felt like a fish out of water for so long that it’s now anatural state. There hasn’t been a time when I’ve walkedinto a room and felt accepted. I have never had theacceptance my son does (he’s biracial). I never fit inwith African-Americans because I’m Haitian; my parentswere prejudiced against them. It was all about class notcolor. Class and race issues follow me everywhere.

8 THE FEARLESS FISH OUT OF WATER

Despite these class and race issues, Nathalie has gone on tohold a hugely impressive and demanding position. As a woman ofcolor in a predominantly white, male environment, she is sensitiveto the need for greater diversity among the staff; she knows whatvalue diverse perspectives can give to a company. She puts hervalues into practice by being an agent for change, helping create aculture she can embrace, and by doing so, positively illuminatesher differences.

It’s time for you to close the book on other people’s stories andideas about who you are so that you can finally introduce yourselfthe way you want to be known. If you’ve been pigeonholed as rigid,break out and show that you’re someone who shapes his or herenvironment to allow for a flow of fresh ideas. If you feel that no onereally “gets you,” stop worrying about it; accept yourself as beingahead of the curve. Your personal perspective about yourself is keyto being a successful fish out of water.

Anybody can be fearless when things are going great. It’s intimes like these that you have to search yourself and be brutallyhonest. One of the reasons we sometimes feel that we don’t fit inwith others is because we actually don’t like ourselves. Considerwhether this might be your situation and think about why. Itcould be that you’re judging yourself according to other people’sstandards. Did Eleanor Roosevelt hide herself because she was astrong, intelligent woman who understood people, business, andpolitics? No. She knew she had a voice and demanded thatpeople listen, in spite of the fact that she was operating in arenaslargely considered to be “men’s territory.” She famously oncesaid, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”Did Wilma Rudolph decide to remain in the shadows justbecause she had polio? No. She became a basketball star inhigh school, and then she became the first American woman towin three gold medals in track in the 1960 Summer Olympics inRome.

Go Fishing for the Real You 9

Eleanor was immediately categorized by others as an outsidertrying to break into a man’s world, while Wilma was ostracized forher disability and for being an African-American woman. Butneither one let these obstacles stop them from doing amazingthings. Both women used their innate talents and personalities, aswell as their obvious differences from those around them, toovercome personal and public challenges.

As a fish out of water, do you feel that part of your life is basedon other people’s assumptions of who they think you should be?Do you internalize their opinions and try to meet their expect-ations? Are you living your life for them instead of you? If so, thenit’s time to bust out and time for you to be yourself—all the time.

Many people who want the world to be safe and comfortablemight wish that you would look, act, and think just like them. Andas much as they don’t want you to be distinctive, they don’t want tobe seen as different either. So they hide behind masks, afraid thatthe world might one day find them out. That behavior is based onfear of the unknown, of what is different, of what isn’t immediatelyunderstood, and of being judged by others.

Then there are the times when you know you aren’t being thereal you. This, too, damages your relationships in the long term;how can someone truly know you if you aren’t being authentic?You can probably remember moments when you caught yourselfwondering why you were acting or saying things that felt un-natural. You immediately knew that you were not being yourself.What do you do when this is happening?

The phrases “get real” and “reality check” both apply at a timelike this. Think about how you dishonor or disrespect yourself,the other person, or your organization when you’re not authentic.

To live your life in fear is essentially not to live.

10 THE FEARLESS FISH OUT OF WATER

The best relationships are based on honesty. The best relationshipyou can have with yourself is one where you acknowledge everypart of yourself, understanding both the good and bad.

Graciela Meibar, VP of global sales training and global diver-sity at Mattel, knows this firsthand: “You have to be authentic. Youwill always have to accommodate the overall culture to somedegree, but never stop being who you are,” she says. “If we arenot true to who we are, or we pretend or please, we lose who weare.”

Free yourself from the desire to conform. Fish out of water arenonconformists. They are the rule breakers simply because theydon’t fit in with the norm. They know—like Patagonia’s founderYvon Chouinard—that you can’t compromise your values to fit in.Chouinard has said, “Everybody tells me it’s an undervaluedcompany, that we could grow this business like crazy and thengo public, make a killing. But that would be the end of everythingI’ve wanted to do. It would destroy everything I believe in.”

As a woman, as a Latina, I have to establish myself by theway I dress and how I express myself. I look professional,but with style, which is authentic to who I am and verydifferent from other women in the company. I like to standout. I’m a good storyteller, using stories from the past tomake points so I don’t sound like fluff. I am unique, and Idon’t want to blend in.

Authenticity means saying what you do and doing whatyou say. It’s about being genuine.

Go Fishing for the Real You 11