Using  Forgiveness    in  the  Counseling  Process  Virginia  T.  Holeman,  PhD  Professor  Counseling  Asbury  Theological  Seminary  

Research  based  approach  

Evere%  Worthington,  Jr.   REACH  model  of  forgiveness  

Transgression

Perception of Offense and Hurt

Hot Emotions – Anger & Fear

Rumination

Unforgiveness

Unforgiveness is…. • Unforgiveness  is  defined  as  delayed  emo@ons  involving  resentment,  biBerness,  residual  anger,  residual  fear,  hatred,  hos@lity,  and  stress,  which  mo@vate  people  to  reduce  the  unforgiveness  

Unforgiveness  •  2  paths:  hold  a  grudge  or  forgive  

•  magnitude  gap  •  myth  of  pure  evil  •  grudge  benefits  

• Unforgiveness  as  condi@oned  fear  -­‐  “hurt”  •  freeze,  ignite  stress  system,  react  •  amygdala’s  emo@onal  hi-­‐jacking  of  the  brain  over  @me  

• Unforgiveness  as  anger  • “Unfair”  •  Fundamental  aBribu@on  error  

Some ways we try to reduce unforgiveness • Revenge  • Seeing  jus@ce  done  • Forbearing  • Accep@ng  the  transgression  • Forgiving  

Myths  

• Forgiveness  wipes  out  the  fact  of  wrong  having  been  done.  

• Forgiveness  means  I  forgo  punishment  altogether.  

• True  forgiveness  means  I  will  never  have  pain  about  this  event  again.  

Myths  

• Either  I  have  or  have  not  forgiven.  • Repentance  must  precede  forgiveness.  

• Forgiveness  always  follow  repentance.  

Myths  

• ReconciliaDon  and  relaDonship  restoraDon  are  inevitable  once  repentance  and  forgiveness  occur.  

• Its  easy  to  rebuild  a  fractured  relaDonship.  

• All  offenses  are  the  same.  

Misconceptions  • Forgiveness  IS  NOT  

•  Reconcilia@on.  •  ForgePng.  •  Excusing.  •  Smothering  a  conflict.  •  Denying  the  facts.  •  Minimizing  the  event.  

•  Pseudoforgiveness  •  Priva@za@on  of  forgiveness  

REACHing  for  Forgiveness  Worthington  Model  

Forgiveness is… •  Replacing  the  hot  emo@ons  of  anger  or  fear  following  a  perceived  hurt  or  offense  

•  Challenging  the  resenWul  &  biBer  rumina@ons  •  With  posi@ve  emo@ons  such  as  agape  love,  empathy,  &  compassion.  

Forgiveness is… •  Balancing  jus@ce  and  mercy  

•  Jus@ce  demands  “what’s  righWully  mine.”  •  Mercy  priori@zes  the  future  rela@onship  over  my  present  “rights.”    

•  Gen.  37-­‐50  •  Keeping  a  pathway  to  my  heart  open.  •  Luke  15  

REACHing For

Forgiveness

Recall the hurt

Empathize

Altruistic Gift Of Forgiveness

Commit Publicly to Forgive

Hold onto Forgiveness

Recall the hurt

Recalling  the  Hurt  

• Not  all  hurts  are  alike  • Avoid,  deny,  retaliate,  revenge  • Take  every  thought  cap@ve!  • Recall  objec@vely  and  with  empathy  

Recall the hurt Empathize

Empathy  

• Levels  of  empathy  • Understand  from  other’s  point  of  view  • Iden@fy  emo@onally  with  the  other  • Feel  compassionate  as  well  as  emo@onal  iden@fica@on  

Empathy  •  To  feel  for  another  

•  To  see  the  other  and  yourself  through  a  different  pair  of  eyes  

•  Fundamental  aBribu@on  error  • Recognize  how  you  contribute  to  the  rela@onship  pain  

• Develop  compassion  for  the  other  through  the  power  of  the  Spirit  

Have  this  mind…..  

• Hard  emo@ons  hide  sod  emo@ons  • People  are  influenced  by  situa@ons  • People  are  reac@ve  when  they  feel  threatened.  

• Peoples  past  condi@on automatic reac@ons  [knee  jerk  reac@ons].  

Reframing  • Wrongdoer  is  viewed  in  a  broader  context  -­‐  a  more  complete  picture  •  Mo@va@on  &  Personality  •  History  

• A  way  of  separa@ng  the  wrong  doer  from  the  wrong  •  A  human  being,  not  the  epitome  of  evil  

• “Aha”  or  inten@onal  cogni@ve  shid  by  seeing  yourself  differently  too  

Empathy  Exercises  

• Write  a  leBer  as  if  you  were  the  person  who  hurt  you.    Explain  the  offender’s  mo@ves,  thoughts,  &  feelings.  

• Write  a  leBer  of  apology  as  if  you  were  the  offender  

• Pray  for  God’s  heart  for  the  person  who  hurt  you.  

Recall the hurt Empathize

Altruistic Gift Of Forgiveness

Why  forgive?  • Sick  &  @red  of  being  sick  &  @red.  • Commanded  to  forgive.  • Grows  out  of  love  for  Jesus  and  gra@tude  for  own  forgivenness.  

• MaBhew  18    

An  attitude  of  humility  

• Recall  your  own  salva@on  story.  • The  cross  of  Christ.  • The  gid  of  Christ’s  forgiveness.  

Altruistic  Gift  of  Forgiveness  

• Guilt  • Gra@tude    • Gid    

Assignments  • Reflect  upon  your  own  forgiven-­‐ness  • Find  something  from  nature  that  can  symbolize  that  

• Find  a  stone  that  represents  the  weight  that  you  carry  because  of  unforgiveness  or  unrepentance  

Recall the hurt Empathize

Altruistic Gift Of Forgiveness

Public Commitment to Forgive

Holding onto Forgiveness

Checking  Doubts  at  the  Door  • If  you  see  your  offender  again  • If  you  are  reminded  about  your  offense  • When  you  are  under  stress  • When  a  related  date  roles  around  • When  life  events  unfold  that  are  affected  

Holding  onto  Forgiveness  

• Seek  reassurance  from  a  friend,  spouse,  prayer  partner  

• Use  the  reminders  you  have  created  to  help  you  remember  

• Review  the  steps  and  repeat  as  needed  

Holding  onto  Forgiveness  

• Realize  that  the  pain  of  a  remembered  hurt  is  not  unforgiveness.  

• Don’t  dwell  on  nega@ve  emo@ons.  • Remind  yourself  that  you  have  forgiveness  the  person  

What  does  it  mean?  • Rela@onship  consequences  may  be  in  place  

• Remember  that  reconcilia@on  takes  two  while  forgiveness  takes  only  one.  

• Holding  onto  hope  for  changed  rela@onship  

• Taking  responsibility  for  your  own  thoughts,  feelings,  &  ac@ons