Marvin Wenzel was dis-traught. The night be-fore, he had seen a

pretty brunette girl at the 80s dance with a ponytail off to the side, wearing bright pink spandex pants and a tie-dye tank top. He could totally see her sports bra as she danced with that one guy to Wham’s “Take On Me.” It was orange.

Marvin knew two things. First, he knew that her name started with the letters L, A and U. Second, he was convinced that he was madly in love with her, her great looks and awe-some sense of 80s fashion. As he went to the Whitman Col-lege Student Content page and proceeded to type in those three letters into the search que-ry in the lower right hand cor-ner of the screen, he froze in fright. People Search was down.

Massive uproar ensued as students became increasingly unable to look up that cute guy or girl they had ogled the night before. The frustration only continued to grow as RAs were no longer able to identify the new members of their sections. Scramble leaders could no long-er creep on their scramblers’ mug shots, and soon forgot where they lived. People were unable to look up their fellow students’ addresses and then find their houses on Google Maps Street View. Absolute catastrophe.

A certain RA who chose to remain anonymous stated that she would have no freak-ing clue who her residents were.

“I’m absolutely helpless without People Search at my disposal,” she said with exas-peration. “Now I have to actual-ly spend time with them in my residence hall. It’s so much eas-ier when I can type in the bare minimums into the computer.”

People Search is often crea-tively termed “Creeple Search,” “People Stalk,” “LDAP” and “The Magical Place Where the Secrets of my Classmates are Stored and Accessible.”

The service available to Whitman College students re-sumed hours later. All rejoiced. There was cake, and Marvin fi-nally got the details on the mys-tery girl of his dreams. The or-ange sports bra sporter was Lauren Nimby, campus ad-dress Prentiss room 347, home address 487 Whidbey Place, Renton, Wash. 98059, cam-pus phone number (509) 459-8958. Additionally, her People Search mug shot was really cute.

Marvin now has plans to ogle her from across Prentiss Dining Hall and to check her Facebook account with unusu-al frequency without making any real advances. In the event that he makes a chance awkward conversation with her, he’ll even be her Facebook friend.

PEOPLESEARCHFAILURE

It struck first-year Dar-ren Mulrey this Wednes-day morning, while putting

his pants on, that that thing his mom told him to do with the refrigerator in his Anderson dorm room was a great idea.

“It totally just made com-plete sense why Mom had me put my refrigerator in the far left corner,” Mulrey commented. “And then after looking around it was like, whoa, she was to-tally right about everything.”

This is but one of many realizations sweeping Whit-man College first-year resi-dence halls. As student after student takes a second to look around, there is a general con-sensus brewing that each indi-vidual student’s mom somehow managed to be totally right.

“I was at first a little dis-traught at how much my mom was taking charge of my Prent-iss room layout,” first-year Amanda Sanchez explained. “I really wanted the independence of being able to figure out how I wanted my stuff laid out.” But

before Sanchez could change the organization of her dorm room, she found herself perfect-ly content with the way it was.

Polls taken by the organ-ization M.A.D.R.E. (Mothers who Always Decide Really Ex-cellently) show that the aver-age American mother is right a whopping all of the time. Also, further research has proven that college-age students tend more often than not to have mothers that know everything.

“I am outraged,” first-year Cain Goody announced. “If Mom was right about this, what else is she going to be right about? Changing my un-derwear? Turning the mu-sic lower? Eating my vegeta-bles before my dessert? Call-ing her every day? Will all of these miniscule demands end up being true after all?”

It seems to be the case that Mother does indeed know best. All who disagree and make a fuss and start griping and whin-ing and moaning can all go to their rooms until Mom says so.

News Flash: Mom was right, again

This year is just the same as any year. We all get to cam-pus, do a little research and

come to the same age-old realiza-tion. Girls outnumber guys, almost two to one. And to make matters worse for the poor Whitwomen of the world, a lot of these guys have long-distance relationships with their high school sweethearts.

Many will argue over the merits of dating as opposed to

weekend hookups, but those ar-guments are stupid and avoid the excruciating, underlying fact of the matter. The issue at hand is not that men aren’t bold enough to ask women out on a date the good, old-fashioned way. There just aren’t enough men to satis-fy the ladies. Plain and simple.

That’s why I posit that a cultural shift should take rise around campus. It’s quite sim-

ple, and solves everyone’s problems: two girls, one guy.

The beauty of this plan is that it works along the sweep-ing reality of demograph-ics on campus. This way, eve-ry woman can be satisfied, and all the men can feel loved.

In the case that there are guys out there who want two guys, let them have it! We’re all free-love social liberals here, right? This is

why this plan totally works. Some guys will just have to pick up some of the slack of others. I myself wouldn’t be opposed in the slight-est. I’m always looking for ways to help my fellow classmates.

So start today! The new love revolution will sweep the school! Ask that cute girl you like in Calc II out, then ask her best friend out, too! It’s failproof. Love for all, and two for one.

OPINION: Big Love,Whitman College

Comic by Jung Song

ILLUSTRATION BY BAILEY

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