Essentials

Of

Emotional

Communication

For

Reaching

The

Unreachable

Student

Where Do I Start?

What Do I Say?

How Do I Do It?

Carmen Y. Reyes

The Psycho-Educational Teacher

1

License Notes

This book is intended for professional enrichment. You may reproduce this

book only for classroom management purposes. Duplicating this book for

commercial use is not allowed. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this

author.

Copyright © 2013 by Carmen Y. Reyes

SolidRock Press

Brooklyn, New York

2

Contents

Introduction …..11

Part I: The Basics

Chapter 1: Understanding Emotional Communication- The Magic We Create with the Words We Say …..17

Emotional Language Within the Broader Context of Interpersonal Communication

Interpersonal Communication Principles

The Interaction Between the Verbal and the Nonverbal Messages

Chapter 2: The Role of Feelings in Emotional Communication …..27

Negative Feelings

Positive Feelings

Facts About Feelings

Table 2.1. Feelings List

Chapter 3: The Therapeutic Environment- Principles, Skills, and Steps …..35

Therapeutic Principles

The “Therapeutic Attitude”

The Therapeutic Process: Steps

Part II: Where Do I Start?

Chapter 4: Key Elements of a Therapeutic Interaction …..53

Reaching the Unreachable Child with Rapport

Guidelines to Develop Empathic Understanding and Rapport

Talking with a Distraught Child: Enhanced Interventions that Build On-the-Spot Rapport and Defuse Troubling Feelings

3

Chapter 5: Therapeutic Listening …..67

Listening Levels

Listening Types

Obstacles to Effective Listening

Traveling to the Therapeutic Realm: Listening Skills that Ensure a Swift Journey

Empathy

Acceptance

Immediacy

Sensitivity

Time

Table 5.1. Listening Therapeutically to Children

Chapter 6: The Role of Self in Emotional Communication …..85

Types of Self

Self-Concept

Self-Identity

Self-Esteem

Self-Awareness

Self-Efficacy

Self-Confidence

Revealing Our Human Side: The Importance of Teacher’s Self-Disclosures

A Word of Caution About Self-Disclosure

Part III: What Do I Say?

Chapter 7: Fundamentals of Language- How Messages Work …..99

Actions We Perform with the Words We Say

Kinds of Statements

4

Kinds of Messages

Pure or Contaminated?

The Meaning in the Words We Hear

Linguistic Patterns that Prevent Us to Really Understand Each Other

Language Patterns that Limit the Positive Things Children Can Do

Language Patterns that Distort Reality

The Message Within the Message: Metamessages

Verbal Modifiers

Chapter 8: The Therapeutic Dialogue- Opening the Message …..127

Validating

Normalizing

Externalizing

Acknowledging

More Guidelines

Chapter 9: The Therapeutic Dialogue- Facilitating the Message …..139

Verbalizing

Prompting

Encouraging

Affirmations

Furthering

Supporting

Chapter 10: The Therapeutic Dialogue- Making the Message Clear …..147

Feedforward

Checking Perceptions

Paraphrasing

5

Clarifying

Elaborating

Summarizing

Chapter 11: The Therapeutic Dialogue- Controlling the Message …..157

Returning

Redirecting

Specifying

Focusing

Chapter 12: The Therapeutic Dialogue- Deepening the Message …..163

Furthering

Reflecting

Using Observational Cues

Getting Deeper Meaning

Decoding the Feeling

Reframing

Finding Patterns

Interpreting

Reframing and Interpretations are Two Sides of the Same Coin

Chapter 13: The Therapeutic Dialogue- Going Even Deeper with Transformative Questions …..177

Questioning

Probing Questions: Hargie’s List

Clarification Probes

Justification Probes

Relevance Probes

Exemplification Probes

6

Extension Probes

Open-Ended Probes

Accuracy Probes

Restatement Probes

Echo Probes

Consensus Probes

Clearinghouse Probes

Asking Transformative Questions: Paul’s Taxonomy

Questions of Clarification

Questions that Probe Assumptions

Questions that Probe Reasons and Evidence

Questions About Viewpoints or Perspectives

Questions that Probe Implications and Consequences

Chapter 14: The Therapeutic Dialogue- Resolving Discrepancies …..191

Background

Albert Ellis and the A-B-C Model of Emotions

Prompting

Disputing Irrational Thinking

Debating

Related Techniques

Challenging

Confronting

Chapter 15: The Therapeutic Dialogue- Shifting the Message …..205

Suggestions

Persuasion

Persuasive Techniques

7

Part IV: How Do I Do It?

Chapter 16: Summoning to Action Part 1- Social Problem-Solving …..225

Some Basic Principles

How Social or Interactional Problems Start

What is Social Problem-Solving?

How to Teach Social Problem-Solving

The Social Problem-Solving Model

Tips for Teaching Social Problem-Solving

Chapter 17: Summoning to Action Part 2- The Supportive Style …..243

The Supportive Style: Outlining the Steps

When Teachers and Students Disagree: Keeping Power Struggles Out of the Interaction

Chapter 18: Child Guidance Techniques …..279

Child Guidance Techniques

Taking Responsibility

Using Choice Language

Teaching Relative Reasoning

Making it Solvable

Breaking it Down

Making the New Behavior Relevant

Distancing the Student from the Disruptive Behavior

Externalizing the Behavior

Making the Angry Feeling Identity Incongruent

Making the Angry Feeling Goal Incongruent

Normalizing the Behavior

Minimizing the Problem

8

Using Strategic Language

Using the Language of Change

Using Tentative Language

Reframing the Student’s Perception of the Problem

Empathizing

Role-Playing the Behavior

Paraphrasing

Reflecting on What the Student Says

Translating the Feeling

Labeling

Reversing the Feeling

Developing Hypotheses

Checking Perceptions

Structuring the Student’s Thinking

Challenging the Student

Confronting the Student

Decoding the Behavior

Teaching Self-Decoding

Making the Troubling Feeling Less Intense or Hostile

Increasing the Child’s Ability to Analyze Behavior

Using Self-Disclosures

Eliciting from the Student Ideas and Suggestions for Changing Behavior

Training the Student to Analyze Own Thoughts

Questioning the Student

Teaching Alternative Behaviors

Teaching Students to Talk Descriptively

The Doubling Technique

9

The Solution-Focused Approach

Identifying Exceptions

Trying Something Really Different

Role-Playing New and Improved Behaviors

References …..305

About the Author …..309

CONNECT WITH THE AUTHOR ONLINE …..310

DISCOVER OTHER TITLES BY THIS AUTHOR …..311

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Introduction

The purpose of this book is to familiarize teachers, administrators, and

supportive personnel in schools with the fundamental principles, communicative

skills, and child guidance techniques employed by skilled practitioners helping

troubled and hard to reach children in therapeutic settings. With each passing day,

more and more teachers in both general and special education classrooms are

realizing that the communication skills already known by helping professionals

working in therapeutic settings for troubled students are the same communication

skills that all teachers can apply in our day-to-day interactions with all kinds of

students.

Anyone with the professional responsibility of teaching and helping children

understands well that not everything that we say to children is heard and

experienced by them the same way. Like coming from a sorcerer or magician,

some words we say charm children, empowering them to fly to the realm of goals

and possibilities. Other words seemed to have lost its charming touch, sounding

dull and repetitive. But the worst offenders are those kinds of words that confine

children, grounding them and keeping them in the same path of negative

expectations and dysfunctional behaviors. In children’s hearts and minds most of

these worst offenders sound and feel like judgments and negative criticism, failing

to connect children with all that is good in them, can be better, and will be better

for them. The focus in this book is on those wizardly words and messages that

never doubt if children can fly (we know they can), but create a magic spell that

bridges children with a more optimistic future (with their goals and aspirations),

challenging children to find out how high they can fly. These enchanting messages

11

have been called positive, motivational, encouraging, and/or inspirational by most

of us; in this book, we call them relationship enhancers and they are at the heart of

emotional communication or therapeutic communication. In Essentials of

Emotional Communication for Reaching the Unreachable Student, teachers learn

how to assemble a meaningful therapeutic communication toolkit to challenge

negative thoughts, defuse self-defeating attitudes, soothe angry and/or troubling

feelings, build and/or strengthen coping skills, and elicit positive behavior in a

distraught or hard to reach student.

The guiding principle in this book is that all therapeutic interventions are

essentially verbal interventions; most specifically, carefully crafted ways of talking

to gradually shift the child from a state of agitation and helplessness into a more

resourceful state of resolution. Enhancing the communication pathway between the

teacher or helper and the hard to reach student enables the teacher to deliver “just

the right words” to create the supportive and facilitative atmosphere that the

distraught child needs so badly. Is in the teacher’s ability to articulate a message

that soothes and heals troubling and self-defeating feelings and attitudes that

therapeutic communication thrives.

Basically, on Essentials of Emotional Communication for Reaching the

Unreachable Student, we lay the foundation for a teacher-student therapeutic

interaction, including techniques for learning about the child, building and then

maintaining a supportive and facilitative environment, and engaging the child in

joint problem-solving. As stated in the opening paragraph, the communicative and

therapeutic skills detailed in this book benefit equally general and special

education teachers not only because learning these skills improve our

understanding of children’s feelings, but also because they strengthen our skills in

managing children’s most challenging behaviors. Most importantly, enhanced

12

emotional communication skills equate to an improved ability in promoting self-

awareness, self-determination, and self-efficacy in all of our students, especially, in

that student seated in the back of our classroom that we always believed was so

difficult to reach.

13

Part I

The Basics

14

Chapter 1

Understanding Emotional Communication-

The Magic We Create with the Words We Say

ne day, somehow, our face-to-face interactions with that difficult to

handle student seated in the back of the room lost its magic touch,

being replaced by domineering interactions instead where we, so

focused in trying to get the child to do as directed, recurred mostly to delivering

orders and commands. The more the child refused to do what we wanted him to do,

the louder our voice and the more restrictive our messages. The more restrictions

the child heard, the more antagonistic he acted. And the more antagonistic the child

responded, the more problematic our face-to-face interactions turned. Feeling

discouraged and frustrated, we start doubting our own ability to improve this

strained relationship. Quite the opposite, we feel certain that there is little we can

say or do to “fix” this problematic relationship.

O

Without realizing it, much of what we may be experiencing as an

antagonistic interaction with our hard to handle student relates to a breakdown in

the messaging, most specifically, a collapse in the things we are saying, or the

messages we are sending, to our hard to reach student. Revolving around a self-

perpetuating circle of contemptuous interactions fed by negative messages, our

antagonistic position fuels more negative and pessimistic language, and more

negative and pessimistic language in turn fuels even more antagonistic interactions.

In one sentence, our antagonistic messages to the child give form to our

antagonistic interactions with the child. From a communicative standpoint, “to

bring the magic back,” shifting both teacher and student from an adversarial

15

position to collaborative partners, we first need to “clean” and polish the messages

we are sending to the child. By crafting therapeutic messages delivered within the

context of positive and optimistic expectations, we let children know that we

believe in their ability to feel and to act positively, aligning children with their best

attributes and strengths, and then, using those strengths to build effective coping

skills and to elicit better-adjusted behavior. Simply put, magic (positive feelings

and behavior) is in the words we say and in the messages we convey to children.

Emotional Language Within the Broader

Context of Interpersonal Communication

Although interpersonal communication can be approached from different

perspectives, for example, elements (the basic components), processes (how

messages are produced), stages (e.g. the different developmental steps between

initiating an interaction and disengaging from the interaction; also how interactions

evolve from impersonal to close or intimate), contexts or settings (e.g. family or

classroom), and types or channels (e.g. verbal and nonverbal), in this book, we

focus on the perspective of interpersonal communication that is relationship-

centered; more specifically, those messages within the face-to-face interaction that

influence and build the relationship. From this dyadic or relational framework,

interpersonal communication is the communication that takes place between two

individuals who have an established relationship regardless of the direction of that

relationship (negative or positive). From this perspective, interpersonal

communication is more than an exchange of information between those two

individuals. Through face-to-face interactions, individuals negotiate meanings,

identities, and relationships (Braithwaite and Baxter, 2008). As DeVito (2001)

16

states, the two individuals exchanging ideas and/or feelings are in some way

“connected.” This definition includes what is taking place either in a negative

(adversarial) or a positive (collaborative and/or supportive) direction; for example,

between a child and her parent, siblings, friends, coworkers, a teacher and a

student, and so on. From this relationship-centered perspective the basic

characteristics of interpersonal communication are:

1. Communication from one individual to another

2. Face-to-face interaction (no-mediated)

3. Takes place in a dyadic (one-to-one) or in a small group setting

4. Both in form (how we say the words) and in content (the specific

words we use) the communication is shaped by and conveys

something of the personal characteristics of those individuals

interacting as well as their social roles (Hartley, as cited on Hargie,

2011)

According to Hewes (as cited on Hargie, 2011), at the core of the

communicative experience we have:

A. Intersubjectivity, or trying to understand the other person and being

understood by the other person in turn, and,

B. Impact which represents the extent to which the message brings about

change in the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and/or behavior.

Interpersonal Communication Principles

One of the most important principles for teachers to understand is that

interpersonal communication is circular; that is, the first person’s message is the

stimulus for the second individual’s message, which in turn serves as stimulus for

the first person’s message, and so on. This circular interaction ensures that both

17

individuals in the interaction are at the same time the speaker and the listener, or

actor and reactor in the communicative process. As DeVito (2001) states,

interpersonal communication is a mutually interactive process (p. 27). Additional

principles beneficial for teachers to know are (DeVito, 2001; Hargie, 2011):

Interpersonal communication is transactional. This principle

emphasizes the dynamic interplay and changing nature of the

communicative process. The two individuals communicating

continually influence and are in return influenced by each other. This

is what Hargie (2011) calls reciprocal influence.

The elements in interpersonal communication are interdependent.

That is, each element (i.e. source- receiver, encoding or producing the

message and decoding or understanding the message, competence or

each individual’s ability to communicate effectively, messages or

those signals that serve as a stimulus for the receiver, channel or the

medium we use, and purpose, for example, to learn, to persuade, or to

play) in the communicative process is intimately connected to the

other parts (other elements) and to the whole (whole message).

Because of this interdependency, a change in any one of the elements

causes changes in the other elements. For a full list of elements, see

DeVito (2001).

Interpersonal communication is purposeful. We communicate with

some end, or purpose, in mind; in simpler terms, we communicate

because we want to achieve something. Although an interaction

between two individuals may be ineffective (does not communicate in

a clear way what the goal or intention is, and consequently, fails in

achieving the communicative goal), it is never aimless; when two

18

individuals communicate, they are always trying to make something

happen (the communicative goal). When individuals are aware of

what their communicative goals are, they can deliver a better focused

and more effective message, making the skill of goal making crucial

in improving our communicative ability.

Interpersonal communication is either symmetrical or

complementary. In a symmetrical interaction, the two individuals

mirror each other’s feelings and behaviors. For example, if one

individual crosses her arms, the second individual crosses his legs; if

one individual leans against the wall, the second individual leans

against a desk; if one individual yells, the second individual also yells.

Symmetrical interactions minimize the differences between the two

individuals. On the other hand, in a complementary interaction, the

two individuals engage in different, and sometimes opposite,

behaviors. Here, if one individual yells, the second individual speaks

softly; if one individual is aggressive, the second individual is

conciliatory; if one individual walks fast, the second individual walks

slowly. Complementary interactions maximize the differences between

the two individuals. Both symmetrical and complementary

interactions are crucial in creating rapport and in defusing troubling

feelings.

Effective interpersonal communication requires from the two

individuals involved to understand and to share each other’s personal

definitions or symbols. Effective interpersonal communication can

take place only to the extent that the parties involved understand each

other’s system of symbols. The best example is observing how two

individuals from two countries with different languages try to

19

communicate; because the languages (symbols) are different,

communication is hindered. Even when they share one language, not

two individuals share identical symbol systems. For instance, in the

classroom, while the teacher defines a student’s behavior as foolish

and immature, the student is interpreting the same behavior as funny

and “cool.” What the teacher sees as “careless,” the child sees as

“bold.” The communicative difficulty here starts when the teacher and

the child use different vocabulary words to define the same act,

aggravated by the fact that, without realizing it, the teacher and the

student have different meanings, or different symbols, for the same

words (e.g. “careless” or “impulsive” means something different for

each individual). And like two individuals from different countries, as

long as the teacher is not aware of how her/his meanings and the

child’s meanings are different, any attempt of communication with the

child will come to a halt. As DeVito (2001) states, “Part of the art of

interpersonal communication is learning the other person’s signals,

how they are used, and what they mean” (p. 32). In the classroom,

learning about the student’s symbols and their meanings requires both

time and patience, but if we want to understand what the student is

communicating with a specific behavior, we need to understand the

meaning of that behavior for the child. Simply put, we must

understand the behavior from the student’s perspective or point of

view, not ours. Even more, we need to be willing to share our own

system of symbols with children (i.e. our feelings, attitudes, and

expectations), so that children understand us better.

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The Interaction Between the Verbal and the

Nonverbal Messages

A fundamental belief in interpersonal communication is that, in person-to-

person communication, how we deliver the message is as important as what we say

or the specific words we use. The expression on our faces, how long we prolong

our gaze, the gestures we use, our posture, the way we walk, the tone of our voice,

and so forth often tell more to students than the words we say. In our day-to-day

interpersonal exchanges the nonverbal code is crucial in defining and in clarifying

the verbal code; nonverbal behavior “blends” with the verbal message to best

convey meaning, not only our own meaning (what we are trying to communicate),

but what the student means as well (what the child is trying to communicate).

Major ways in which the nonverbal message blends with the verbal message to

convey meaning are (Adapted from DeVito, 2001; Hargie, 2011; Knapp and Hall,

2010):

1. Repeating. Nonverbal communication can simply repeat what was

said verbally. Telling the student to return to her seat and pointing to

the child’s chair is an example of repetition.

2. Complementing. By giving more information, nonverbal behavior

extends and/or elaborates on the verbal message; for example,

drawing a map in the air to describe the location of an object. When

the verbal and the nonverbal codes complement each other the

message is clearer and can be decoded easier and more accurately.

Complementary gestures are also known as illustrators.

3. Substituting. Nonverbal behavior can also be a substitute for the

verbal message. For example, Ms. Vera leaving her classroom at 3:00

21

in the evening with a slouched posture and a facial expression that is a

substitute for the statement, “What a lousy day I just had!”

4. Conflicting. Nonverbal communication can contradict, intentionally or

unintentionally, what was said. For example, Frankie saying to Ms.

Vera, “I feel fine” with a clinched jaw, tightened fists, and an angry

tone of voice, suggesting an internal state of agitation and turmoil. In

a conflicting message, verbal and nonverbal signals are

communicating two incongruent messages. When a conflicting

message takes place the nonverbal code predominates; Ms. Vera will

be able to clarify the true meaning of Frankie’s message to the extent

that she can “read” accurately the child’s nonverbal signals.

5. Accenting. Nonverbal behavior can amplify parts of the verbal

message. Accenting is similar to underlining or italicizing written

words to bring attention to them. In spoken language, by putting more

stress in certain words than in others, we underline the importance of

the stressed words. We frequently use movements of the head and/or

hands to emphasize specific words or a specific message; for example,

banging our fist on the desk to stress that we feel strongly about a

specific issue. Another example of accenting would be Ms. Vera

telling Frankie, “I feel really disappointed with this behavior” while

frowning; frowning accentuates the teacher’s disappointment. An

accenting signal is a kind of complementary signal; for example,

frowning and shaking her head when recounting the issue both

complement and emphasize the teacher’s feelings of disapproval.

6. Attenuating. This is the opposite of accenting; when we attenuate the

verbal message, we tone down parts of the message. For example,

expressing her disappointment with the behavior using a soft tone of

22

voice and exhibiting a relaxed posture. With her mild smile, Ms. Vera

tempered a message sent to reprimand. The negative part of the

message was toned down with more positive and accepting nonverbal

signals. Together, accenting and attenuating gestures are known as

modifiers of the verbal message, because they help us in delivering

either a more or a less extreme message.

7. Regulating. Regulators help us separate and mark speech turns. For

example, to indicate that she finished talking and was expecting for

Frankie to start talking, Ms. Vera increased her eye contact with the

child. When she wanted to talk again, Ms. Vera raised her index

finger.

As we can see, nonverbal signals have a crucial role in any communicative

experience, this being particularly true within the context of emotional or

therapeutic communication. Nonverbal signals are considered more spontaneous,

harder to fake, less likely to be manipulated, and consequently more believable

than any words that the child can say (Knapp and Hall, 2010). For all these

reasons, paying close attention to the nonverbal behavior displayed during the

course of a therapeutic interaction is fundamental for both grasping in-depth

meaning of the child’s message, and from the teacher’s perspective, sending the

nonverbal signals that will elicit the right emotions and will influence the right

state of mind in a distraught child.

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Chapter 2

The Role of Feelings in Emotional

Communication

he internal states known as emotions are considered more comprehensive

and long-term than those internal affairs known as feelings. Our

emotions deliver the message that the world around us is important to us,

helping us in relating with our environment in terms of things that we like (e.g.

love) and do not like (e.g. hate). The same emotion can stay with us for years (e.g.

loving our kitten forever), but our feelings are short-term, sometimes lasting only a

few minutes or even seconds; for example, feeling scared when we lost sight of our

kitten, only to feel relieved once we find her. Our feelings may result from our

emotions, for instance, when we experience the emotion of love, we may also

experience the related feeling of happiness. In addition, feelings can be triggered

by our physical senses; for example, feeling warmth or cold. Emotions, on the

other hand, always come from our mind. Feelings are sometimes called sensations

or attitudes.

T

With our vocabulary of feelings, we label the things that happen to us,

negative or positive, in emotional terms. The more limited our vocabulary of

feelings is, the less precise our emotional experience will be perceived and

recounted. Conversely, the more feeling words we can use to talk about an event,

24

the richer our experience and our understanding of that event will be. This is true

for children as well as for adults. If your students are like mine were, chances are

that they will be recounting their emotional experiences using a limited repertoire

of feeling words, restricting their feelings to being sad, mad, happy, or the all-time

favorite “nice.” Most kids of all ages and backgrounds reveal very limited skills in

acknowledging and in labeling their feelings accurately, not only that, but kids

assume that the way they feel at the moment is the whole experience; for example,

saying, “I hate Linda!” to talk about a temporary misunderstanding with Linda. As

Karns (1994) states, for kids, “Feelings are black and white. Sad is sad. Mad is

mad. Glad is great” (p. 21). Children need to learn the language of feelings. When

adults learn to listen and to validate all feelings, including the ones that we do not

like, we teach children to appreciate and validate their own feelings, including the

ones that they do not like. In addition, when adults listen to children’s feelings, we

open the door that allows children to talk about how they feel without fear of being

ridiculed or their feelings being dismissed. When we communicate to children that

we understand and validate their emotional experience, we start talking the

language of therapeutic communication.

We can describe emotional communication as ways of talking that facilitate

for children to talk about their troubling experiences, including articulating the

thoughts and processing the feelings that were part of those experiences. In

schools, most attempts to manage conflictive student-to-student and/or teacher-to-

student interactions focus on recollecting facts (what happened), or in

understanding story content. For the most part, little is discussed about the feelings

that run parallel to that experience; that is, little is known and processed about the

context of children’s stories. Within the realm of therapeutic communication, along

with the content, it is essential that we help children recognize and process the

25

specific feelings that put those facts in the right perspective. When we pay

attention to how a distraught child retells the experience emotionally (how the

child is feeling about the experience, for example, “I’m pissed with Linda; she

humiliated me”), we can learn a lot about the context of the experience, that is, we

learn a lot about how the child perceives and feels about the experience. This in

turn helps us understand why the child displays some behaviors but not others.

With the following classification of feelings, we can help children understand the

emotional context in the stories they tell (Adapted from Knapp, 2007):

Negative Feelings

Knapp divides negative feelings in five sub-categories:

1. Frustration. We experience frustration when we are not able to satisfy

something that we want or need.

2. Anger. Feeling angry is a natural emotional reaction to hurt, loss, or

disappointment.

3. Depression. Depression is anger trapped and turned inward. A

depressed individual feels fearful of what might happen if she reveals

her angry feelings to others. As the author states, sadness is not

depression. Sadness is an emotional expression associated with a

recent hurt or loss (e.g. the death of our kitten), whereas depression is

considered an interruption of the flow of feelings.

4. Anxiety. Anxiety is the anticipation of being hurt or of losing

something. Real or imagined, there is a threat looming in the horizon

for the anxious individual.

26

5. Guilt. When we believe that what we think, the way we feel, what we

do (actions or behavior), and/or what we fail to do (inactions) are

unacceptable to others, we experience guilt. Feeling guilty stems

from believing that either we did something wrong or we failed to do

something that we needed to do. Consequently, our feelings of guilt

feed thoughts of being bad and of deserving punishment.

Positive Feelings

Knapp (2007) organizes positive feelings into two main categories:

1. Strength or being sure about oneself; that is, being sure that we have

the skills and abilities to cope effectively with the circumstances

surrounding us.

2. Happiness or the state of personal satisfaction that results from our

emotional and physical needs being met.

Alternatively, the same list of feelings can be presented to children under the

two main categories of unpleasant (negative) and pleasant (positive). It is

important that, when discussing feelings with children, we stay away from

evaluative language such as good/bad or right/wrong, so that we convey the

message that each and every feeling is to be understood and validated because,

even when we experience an unpleasant feeling, all feelings tell us something

about ourselves and about those things that matter to us. On Table 2.1 we compiled

a list of words that relates to emotional states or feelings grouped by similarity; for

example, affective states such as certain, independent, and confident are listed

under the broader category of confidence. Used in partnership with the 18 facts

27

about feelings detailed on the next section, we can use these two resources to help

children understand the instrumental role that feelings play in influencing behavior.

Facts About Feelings

When feelings are both strong and unpleasant or negative, they can disrupt

our behavioral, physiological, and thinking processes (Kassinove and

Sukhodolsky, 1995). Children that exhibit behavior deficits show limited skills in

coping with what they perceive as very strong and very negative feelings, and due

to this limited ability in recognizing, labeling, and processing their feelings; that is,

in talking about their feelings, these children “act out the feeling” instead. Because

children’s behavior problems highly correlate with limited skills in dealing with

strong and unpleasant feelings (e.g. anger, guilt, and embarrassment), it is

important for school personnel to become acquainted with these common affective

states. Is common knowledge in the therapeutic realm that, in order to understand

children’s behavior, we must understand children’s feelings first. Openly and

consistently talking about all kinds of feelings with children is always a good

starting point. Use the following facts to introduce and/or supplement a discussion

of feelings with children:

1. Feelings are normal. We all have feelings.

2. People are capable of many different feelings. We are entitled to all of

them.

3. There are simultaneous feelings; that is, different feelings can exist or

be experienced at the same time. For example, we may feel happy and

28

sad at the same time, or we may feel happy, sad, and surprised

simultaneously.

4. We can group similar feelings together. For example, sad, gloomy,

melancholic, and the blues are similar feelings.

5. Sometimes contradictory feelings coexist. This contradiction can

make us feel confused, and even angry.

6. Some feelings are pleasant and some feelings are unpleasant.

7. Some feelings are stronger than others. Some feelings are very strong.

8. Feelings are temporal; no feeling lasts forever.

9. When one feeling moves away, another feeling replaces it.

10.Feelings are neither good nor bad, right nor wrong, true nor false. We

do not have to judge our feelings.

11.Anger is a normal feeling. We all feel angry at one time or another.

12.Feeling angry at something or with someone is okay. However, what

we do when we are feeling angry can get us into trouble.

13.There is a difference between feeling angry and “doing angry things”

such as hitting, kicking, cursing, punching, screaming, or hurting

others. Anger is just a feeling; acting out our anger is the behavior.

14.We can “feel the feeling” but we do not have to act it out.

15.Feelings are not facts; that is, we cannot verify feelings in an objective

manner. We turn our feelings into facts only if we act them out.

16.Our feelings and our thoughts are just for us; our feelings do not affect

other people. On the other hand, our behavior (actions or what we do)

has an influence on other people.

17.When we feel anger or any other strong feeling, we do not have to act

it out. It is best that we recognize the feeling, and then, we redirect it

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in a more positive way, that is, we redirect our feeling in a way that

does not hurt another person or ourselves.

18.We “feel the feeling” but we choose our behavior.

Table 2.1. Feelings List

Admiration: awe, captivated, delighted, fascinated, reverent

Aggression: aggressive, brawl, hateful, violent

Anger: aggravated, agitated, angered, angry, annoyed, bad, bitter, bothered, bugged, choleric, cranky, discomforted, disturbed, enraged, exasperated, frustrated, furious, grouchy, grumpy, ill-tempered, inconvenienced, indignant, infuriated, irascible, irate , irritated, mad, moody, mortified, outraged, rampaged, resentful, ruffled, shocked, sore, temperamental, testy, uncomfortable, upset, wrathful

Anxiety: agitated, anxious, apprehensive, awful, concerned, discomforted, dismayed, distraught, distressed, dreadful, fussy, impatient, preoccupied, solicitous, tense, troubled, turmoil, uneasy, worried, worrisome

Apathy: apathetic, bored, unenthusiastic, unmotivated

Appreciation: appreciated, appreciative, cared, cherished, esteemed, liked, loved, pleased, prized, respected, treasured, valued

Attention: attentive, curious, interested

Aversion: animosity, aversive, detest, disapproving, disgusted, dislike, grudging, resentful

Bad: cruel, ill-will, malicious, mean, naughty

Betrayal: betrayed, disloyal, resentful, unfaithful

Bravery: audacious, bold, brave, courageous, fearless, gutsy, heroic, intrepid, unafraid, valiant

Calmness: calmed, eased/at ease, free from trouble, lighthearted, patient, peaceful, placid, relaxed, serene, tranquil, undisturbed

Confidence: awesome, certain, confident, independent, secure, self-confident, self-reliant, sure

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Defiance: antagonistic, argumentative, aversive, bravado, defiant, disobedient, hostile, noncompliant, oppositional

Distress: afflicted, agitated, agonizing, anguished, breakdown, burnout, discomforted, distressed, disturbed, exhausted, hurt, miserable, overwhelmed, strained, stressed, tense, troubled, turmoil, unsettled, worried

Embarrassment: abashed, ashamed, blushed, disconcerted, embarrassed, humbled, humiliated, mortified, offended, self-conscious

Enjoyment: enjoyable, joyful, nice, pleasant

Excitement: excited, frenetic, frenzied, impatient

Fear: afraid, alarmed, apprehensive, dismayed, fearful, frantic, frightened, horrified, intimidated, nervous, petrified, scared, shocked, startled, terrified, terrorized

Frustration: demoralized, disappointed, discouraged, disenchanted, disheartened, disillusioned, dispirited, frustrated, overwhelmed

Guilt: blameful, contrived, guilty, remorseful, (feeling) responsible, tortured

Happiness: cheerful, cheery, glad, good spirits, happy, high-spirited, joyful, joyous, jubilant, lighthearted, merry, pleased, sunny

Hurt: afflicted, agonizing, anguished, awful, burdened, desperate, destroyed, devastated, distraught, heart ached, heartbroken, hurt, in pain, miserable, resentful, ruined, tormented, tortured, troubled, unhappy, upset

Indifference: apathetic, detached, indifferent, unemotional, uninterested

Insecurity: agonizing, ambivalent, conflicted, confused, insecure, having mixed feelings, turmoil, unresolved

Love: adore, affection, caring, compassionate, cordial, heartfelt, infatuated, loving, sympathetic, warm

Mixed: bittersweet

Motivation: competitive, curious, challenged, decided, determined, enthusiastic, fired, firm, interested, motivated, passionate, resolute, resolved

Nervousness: agitated, apprehensive, awkward, edgy, excitable, fidgety, fussy, impatient, jittery, jumpy, nervous, restless, tense, uneasy, worried, worrisome

Optimistic: confident, hopeful, positive

Other: envious, jealous, obsessed

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Pessimistic: demoralized, despair, desperate, discouraged, disheartened, dispirited, grave, helpless, hopeless, negative, self-defeating, unworthy

Pride: awesome, boastful, bragging rights, proud

Sadness: anguished, blues, cheerless, depressed, disconsolate, gloomy, grieving, heart ached, heartbroken, inconsolable, in pain, languished, low in spirits, melancholic, miserable, mourning, nostalgic, sad, sorrowful, unhappy

Surprise: amazed, astonished, shocked, surprised, wonder

Vengeance: revengeful, spiteful, vengeful, vindictive

Chapter 3

The Therapeutic Environment-

Principles, Skills, and Steps

ost of us, at one time or another and in a spontaneous manner have

found ourselves giving support, encouragement, and advice to a

child or to children in distress. Even in the best managed

classrooms, with thirty something characters (including the teacher) interacting in a

room that is always too crowded and too clustered, both interpersonal (between

students) and intrapersonal (internal or individual) conflict seems almost

inevitable. For more than six hours a day every day, chances are that we make

several decisions that directly impact students’ affective states; for example,

quickly deciding a fair way to handle a sudden disagreement between Joshua and

Timothy when both children, loudly and angrily, are claiming full rights over the

same library book. Some hurt feelings are easier for us to deal with; other more in-

depth feelings, most of them initially confined to the intrapersonal or single child

M

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experience, but quickly spreading and becoming a more interpersonal event (i.e.

quickly influencing other students and disrupting the overall classroom

atmosphere), are harder to manage. For example, Melanie’s morning tantrums or

Ricky’s angry outbursts that always seem to erupt so unexpectedly and

unprovoked. Typically, our good intentions, common sense, classroom experience,

and a genuine interest in helping children guide our efforts, and these informal and

unstructured guidelines constitute the main framework for our supportive or

guidance interventions. If we truly want to help children in distress, facilitating for

our students to cope with hurt, painful, or unpleasant feelings before those

unresolved feelings start manifesting themselves in disruptive and/or dysfunctional

classroom behaviors, is in our best interest to understand and to learn how to

handle, smoothly and efficiently, those troubling feelings. A therapeutic classroom

is by no means lacking on feelings; quite the opposite, therapeutic teachers provide

an accepting classroom environment where all feelings are validated, facilitating

for children to perceive, process, and express the emotional context embedded in

the troubling or conflictive experience. Fundamental principles of the therapeutic

environment empower children, encouraging children to do as much as they can to

better themselves while strengthening emotional awareness and coping skills. A

structured framework aligned with the supportive principles of the therapeutic

environment follows.

Therapeutic Principles

Easier or harder to manage, intrapersonal or interpersonal, it is important

that teachers realize that from the distressed child’s perspective, all hurt feelings

are equally relevant or important; simply put, the way the child feels about the

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troubling event matters to the child. At the precise moment in which the child’s

feelings are respected, acknowledged, and treated with much care and sensitivity a

therapeutic teacher-student interaction is born. As Knapp (2007) indicates,

“Respect can be thought of as holding another person’s feelings, beliefs, and

thoughts in as high a regard as you hold your own” (p. 17). Respect and sensitivity

for children’s feelings are evident in attitudes and actions such as:

Putting the Focus on the Child (The “It’s All About You” Approach).

In the therapeutic interaction, the focal point always remains on the

child (what the child needs and wants); a minute spent on the teacher

(i.e. on what the teacher wants or does not want) is a minute taken

away from the child and the child’s issue. The therapeutic interaction

is always other-centered (DeVito, 2001), that is, always has the

child’s best interests in mind.

Showing Interest in the Child. Quoting Goulston (2010), in a

therapeutic context is important for us to “be more interested than

interesting” (page 55). When our attention is focused on those things

that matter to us, but do not necessarily matter to the child, or we

focus our attention on those “cool” words that we want to say to the

child, we miss the rare and valuable opportunity of truly grasping the

real meaning of what the child is saying and of truly understanding

what the child wants and needs. And when we fail in grasping in-

depth meaning, we are not able to connect with or to reach anyone.

Adapting the author’s thinking to the classroom setting, if we want to

have a therapeutic exchange with the distraught student, first we need

to be interested in the child—his life, his history, his story. Where is

this child coming from? How did this child get to where he is today?

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What does this child know? What this child does not know? (pp. 56-

57) As Goulston states, “By practicing the art of being interested, the

majority of people can become fascinating teachers; nearly everyone

has an interesting story to tell” (p. 57). In a therapeutic classroom, the

teacher makes it her/his mission to discover something interesting,

and better yet, something fascinating, about each and every student in

the class.

Keeping Our Own Opinions and Feelings Under Control. No matter

how strongly we feel about the issue or the child’s behavior, we need

to free ourselves from judgmental attitudes and/or opinions. This does

not mean that we will not have an opinion about the issue; of course

we will have opinions and personal feelings about all issues. What this

means is simply that we remain flexible and open to any new

information that helps us understand the child’s point of view,

especially if the information contradicts and/or challenges our own

preconceptions. In dealing with children’s troubling feelings and

difficult behaviors, a precursory step would be to do a “belief-system

check” in order for us to keep our own opinions, attitudes, and/or

feelings balanced and under control. Only when we are able to put

our own attitudes aside, we will also be able to truly understand the

issue from the child’s point of view or perspective, as opposed to the

limiting perspective of our own pre-conceptions. In addition, under no

circumstances our feelings about the issue or about the child’s

behavior pattern should restrict and determine the way that we are

interacting with the child.

Giving Positive Regard. The principle of positive regard is founded on

Carl Roger’s popular client-centered model (adapted for children as

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the child-centered model). When we give positive regard to children

like Melanie or Ricky, we clearly communicate that, regardless of the

outcome, nothing is more important to us than this child’s value,

worth, and uniqueness. Simply put, this child deserves all the time and

energy that we invest in her or him. All therapeutic challenges

presented to Melanie or to Ricky are framed within a positive and

optimistic context, as opposed to a negative, pessimistic, or punitive

framework. For instance, rather than blaming Ricky for his angry

setback, we give feedback, engaging the child in a constructive

dialogue of what went wrong and of what he can do the next time to

make it better. Most importantly, we keep reminding Ricky and we

keep him focused on those past accomplishments (i.e. of those times

when he succeeded in remaining free from angry outbursts) and

personal strengths (e.g. Ricky’s strong will, his ability to remain on

task, and coping strategies that the child already knows) that

ultimately will be instrumental in reaching the desired outcome or

goal. Our main message to Ricky is that, once he understands what

went wrong (or what is not working for him) he can work in removing

the obstacles that block progress. With this new awareness, Ricky can

discard old, disruptive behaviors and ineffective ways (i.e. angry

outbursts and acting-out) to deal with problem situations, renewing his

effort and trying again; this time, using a more efficient coping

strategy and alternative behaviors. And because we value and cherish

the unique individual that Ricky is, we honestly and genuinely want

him to succeed, building on the child’s confidence that we are going

to work with him and for him from beginning to end. Knapp (2007)

equates giving positive regard with an “I’m on your side attitude” (p.

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19). By supporting Ricky unconditionally (i.e. giving unconditional

acceptance or accepting the child with no preconditions or strings

attached), we are committing ourselves to work hard in helping Ricky

succeed, conveying the positive expectations that we believe in Ricky

and that we believe in the child’s ability to reach his behavior goal.

Building on Strengths. Paying close attention to strengths, identifying

current skills (what children can do) and abilities (what children are

able to do), and then using strengths, current skills, and abilities to

develop better-adjusted coping skills give us the framework for

teaching children how to self-regulate emotions and behavior. In the

therapeutic environment, even what it appears to be a minor strength

or what is perceived as a brief halt in a disruptive behavior pattern is

noted and enhanced by the teacher.

Helping the Child Develop Goals. Instead of doing the work for the

child, the therapeutic teacher reinforces self-determination and

independence by coaching the student to do as much as she can for

herself, collaboratively (i.e. teacher with child) identifying and

developing meaningful goals, giving feedback on progress, and

encouraging the child throughout the process.

Giving Choices to the Child. In a therapeutic verbal exchange, instead

of saying, “No time for drawing. You have to finish your division

worksheet,” we say, “Do you want to finish your division worksheet

now, or in twenty minutes? If you finish now, whatever time is left,

you can use it as drawing time.” This sounds like a very simple verbal

intervention for what sometimes may not be a simple problem (e.g.

the child’s difficulty completing tasks), but, by consistently giving

choices to a child with social (interactional) and/or behavior deficits,

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we are recognizing that decisions about how to handle the relationship

and/or behavior issue belong to the child, not to the teacher. More

than anything, therapeutic language is choice language: the teacher

helps the child understand the consequences for her good and bad

behavior choices; the child makes the choice.

Respecting the Child’s Right to Refuse. As Knapp (2007) states, this is

one of our greatest challenges in a therapeutic interaction: honoring

the child’s right to self-determination even when we may not agree

with the child’s decision, actions, inactions, potential outcomes, and

belief systems. In the therapeutic interaction, we support, facilitate,

and encourage but the child is the primary decision-maker.

The “Therapeutic Attitude”

As indicated by Kottler and Kottler (2000), teachers equipped with basic

helping skills are able to help children gain better clarity of their feelings, better

understanding of their motives, and greater resolve in following through on a plan

to change the behavior. Helping skills allow teachers to create better relationships

with students in a shorter period of time (pp. 3-4). The process of helping children,

the authors continue, comes as an “attitude” or a helping mind-set that keeps the

therapeutic teacher focused and receptive. The following therapeutic mind-set or

helping skills was adapted from both Kottler and Kottler (2000) and Meier and

Davis (1997):

1. Making Personal Contact. The success of any therapeutic

intervention relies heavily on the quality of the interaction between

the teacher and the student. In order to help, the teacher must be able

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to make contact with the child. Within the therapeutic context, making

contact equates to being with the child, touching the child

emotionally, and communicating with the child at the feelings level.

We are not saying here that the teacher needs an already well-

established relationship to be able to connect and to communicate

with a distraught child. A positive relationship with the student will

speed the emotional connection but the truth is that a moderate

relationship, or even the absence of a previous relationship with the

child, may evolve in an emotional connection if the teacher knows

how to make the distraught child feel listened, understood, and

validated. Spending the first minutes of the interaction on “small

talking” or casual conversation puts the child at ease and helps build

rapport. We chitchat for a minute or two and then we redirect the child

to the issue of concern.

2. Building a Relationship. Paraphrasing Kottler and Kottler (2000), the

emotional connection or therapeutic interaction by itself is

intrinsically healing. It gives comfort and support to the child. It

motivates risk taking. Most importantly, the emotional connection

becomes the core for everything else teachers do in the helping

process. The authors offer some guidelines to build a helping or

therapeutic relationship:

Start with small incremental steps.

Be sensitive to the student’s readiness level.

Communicate your caring and intense interest.

Show warmth and be accessible.

Prove that you hear and understand what the child is saying.

Demonstrate commitment to the student.

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Be consistent.

Model an open and honest communication (p. 17).

3. Developing an Alliance for Change. From the emotional connection

stems what we know in therapeutic settings as the alliance for change

or working alliance. By extending understanding and support, we

invite the student to ally and to collaborate with us, letting the child

know that, as a trusted ally, we are going to put our best effort in

helping him or her succeed: only if the child succeeds, we can

succeed. Our main job here is to engage the student in collaborating to

resolve the issue of concern. Change is not going to happen if we rush

through things and/or if we act carelessly, trying to force the student

to commit or to do something for what the child does not feel ready

yet. Similarly, change is not going to happen if the child lacks

motivation. Therefore, it is always in our best interest to spend ample

time in the crucial steps of building rapport and in allying with the

child. We convey the positive expectation that the child is going to

commit to change or self-improvement, and we show that we believe

in the child’s ability to improve by relating with the student in a

trusting, supportive, accepting, and optimistic way.

4. Listening More and Talking Less. Therapeutic teachers are skilled in

interpersonal communication. A basic interpersonal communication

skill is active listening; in emotional communication, we start with

active listening and we progress to therapeutic listening. On chapter

five we detail all listening skills; here, we introduce the most basic

therapeutic communication rule: regardless of the listening level, the

student is the one who always does most of the talking and the teacher

is the one who needs to do most of the listening. In other words, the

40

teacher should talk less than the child, and when the teacher talks, she

or he must speak briefly, communicating main ideas in no more than

two sentences each. Unfortunately, I have witnessed teachers and

clinicians that, when they intervened with a distraught student, the

teacher was the one who got carried away. My favorite anecdote

happened a few years back when, after ten minutes of continuous

talking, the clinician finally stopped briefly and asked the child, “Do

you have anything to say?” And this wise child complained, “Lady,

you talk too much!” So, our wise child told the well-intended but

clearly unskilled clinician what was missing from the interaction to

make it a helpful intervention (i.e. mouth shut- ears wide opened), but

much to my dismay the clinician, oblivious to the child’s wisdom,

responded with ten additional minutes of uninterrupted talking!

5. Building Awareness of Feelings. In therapeutic or emotional

communication, children’s feelings are always a key indicator of what

is relevant in the area of concern, that is, of what makes an issue

troubling for the child. Many children are unaware of the quality of

their feelings, showing extreme difficulty in describing feelings

accurately. For example:

Mr. Beck: How do you feel about losing the basketball game?

Frankie: Bad. I’m upset.

Describing feelings as bad, good, nice, mad, or upset gives little

detail, failing in specifying either the intensity and/or the direction of

the feeling. For instance, “upset” has one meaning when elaborated as

feeling angry because the coach benched him unfairly and the child

missed the last three minutes of the game, and a very different

meaning when articulated as sadness because not playing those crucial

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three minutes left Frankie feeling that he failed his teammates. In the

first situation we are dealing with anger and resentment; in the second

situation we are dealing with sadness and disappointment. Getting the

distraught child to recognize and to describe how he feels about the

situation are the two primary challenges for both the teacher and the

student. A core belief in emotional communication is that, building

awareness of feelings brings both insight and relief of those troubling

feelings.

6. Helping the Child Articulate the Troubling Situation in a Concrete

Way. Help children describe the issue of concern sensorially; that is,

talking about what they see, hear, and can touch. Most specifically,

help the unsettled child articulate the troubling situation in terms of

actions or behaviors. For example:

Frankie: Anthony is mean to me!

Mr. Beck: How exactly is Anthony mean to you? Give me an

example of something that Anthony does that you do not like.

Frankie: He calls me Pinocchio.

Mr. Beck: How do you feel when Anthony calls you Pinocchio?

Frankie: I feel mad. Everybody laughs.

Mr. Beck: I want to make sure that I understand exactly how

you feel; are you mad in the sense of feeling angry, or are you

feeling embarrassed?

Frankie: Yeah, the second one. I told Anthony to stop calling

me that, but he keeps doing it.

Mr. Beck: As I understand this, you are feeling frustrated

because you already asked Anthony to stop calling you names,

but you do not see anything good coming out of your request.

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You also feel embarrassed when you hear other children

laughing. Am I getting this right?

7. Paying Close Attention to What the Child is Saying. Words and the

way the child says them give us important clues about how the child

perceives and interprets the problem situation. Permanent words like

always or never almost invariably reveal a distorted and in many cases

helpless view of the problem situation. For instance, there is a strong

perception of being helpless (of not being in control) coming out of

statements such as, “I always mess up!” and “I will never have

friends.” Similarly, absolute words like everybody (e.g. “Everybody

thinks I’m stupid!”) and nobody (“Nobody wants to be my friend”) are

a contributing factor in children’s low self-confidence and feelings of

inadequacy.

8. Paying Closer Attention to What the Child Skips or Omits. One of my

favorite words of advice to a therapeutic teacher in training is that, to

efficiently manage children’s feelings and beliefs, we pay close

attention to words or what the child is saying, but we pay even closer

attention to what the child is not saying, or the details that the child

skips or omits from his statements. The specific information that

seems to be missing from the child’s pessimistic statements is crucial

in helping the child assess the troubling situation in a more realistic

(less troubling) way. When we identify the information that is missing

or not stated in the child’s self-defeating statement, we help a child

like Frankie substitute an “always-or-never” statement such as “I will

never have friends” with a more accurate and less overwhelming

“sometimes” statement such as, “Anthony does not like me and he is

not particularly interested in being my friend. Oh well, that’s

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Anthony’s problem, not mine. Other kids do like me and I interact

fine with them.”

9. Noticing Nonverbal Behavior. The child’s words will give us mainly

content or facts, but to get emotional context and in-depth meaning,

there is no better way than by keeping record of what the child is

revealing through his body behavior. For instance, even if Frankie

cannot put into words his true feelings about Anthony calling him

names, by being vigilant to body language such as frowning, a

slouched posture, a hesitant tone of voice, and flushed cheeks, Mr.

Beck can get significant clues about the true nature of the child’s

feelings.

10.Pacing, and then Leading the Child. In the therapeutic realm, the

well-known intervention of pacing and leading refers to how much

direction we give at any particular time to the child. Most specifically,

when we pace the child, we follow along in terms of what the child is

saying and the feelings that give context to the child’s statements. For

example:

Frankie: I told Anthony to stop calling me that (Pinocchio), but

he keeps doing it.

Mr. Beck: Anthony keeps calling you names regardless of what

you do.

Here, Mr. Beck paced Frankie by paraphrasing the child’s concern.

Nothing was added or taken away from Frankie’s statement, and Mr.

Beck gave no direction to the child. With pacing, Frankie knows that

Mr. Beck is paying attention and understanding. Restating the child’s

thoughts or content (e.g. “You seem to be saying…”) and reflecting

on the child’s feelings (i.e. recognizing feelings, for example, “You

44

appear to be feeling…”) are two basic interventions to pace the child.

To summarize, with pacing, we build consensus on what the child is

thinking and feeling. Once we move in step with the student, we can

then move ahead, leading the child in a new direction. More

specifically, after giving the child time to tell the story as he sees it, or

pacing, we skillfully move the story ahead by leading the child.

Basically, leading is directing, something we can do by pointing in the

direction of new information (of alternative ways of perceiving the

situation), by helping the child process the new information (insight

building), and by helping the child establish a better-adjusted feelings-

behavior connection. Adapting Knapp’s (2007) definition of leading

to the classroom, effective leading facilitates for the interaction to

evolve in a productive way by eliciting further information and

feelings, bringing focus to what is relevant, and prompting the child to

think about the problem in a different way (p. 106). In one sentence,

leading involves guiding the interaction in a meaningful direction. For

detailed analysis and examples of how to use pacing and leading in

the therapeutic interaction see Chapter 17.

11.Supporting More; Confronting Less. Like any adult, children listen

more when they feel supported than when they feel confronted, so

take advantage of this basic therapeutic skill and have children listen

willingly to what you have to say by supporting and bonding with the

child first. I want to share now one of the most insightful advices that

I received earlier in my career, when I was a therapeutic teacher in

training myself: “Have kids love you; when children care for you,

trust you, and they respect you, they’ll do anything for you, even

learn.” (Adapted from Nicki, my first mentor.) A rule of thumb in the

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therapeutic setting is that we confront as much as we support (Meier

and Davis, 1997, p. 11). Once the trust and respect is there, we can

use a therapeutic confrontation to build self-awareness and to increase

motivation in the child. As a word of caution, a therapeutic

confrontation does not mean opposing the child, but pointing out

discrepancies in the child’s thinking, words, actions, and/or goals.

(See Chapter 14 for more details.)

The Therapeutic Process: Steps

As a problem-solving effort, the child guidance or therapeutic process

follows similar sequential steps. Kottler and Kottler (2000) list these five main

steps:

1. Assessment. For us to be helpful, we first need an idea of what is

going on. Counselors know this step as “the identification of the

presenting complaint” (p. 20), accomplished by helping the child

identify what is bothersome. Our focus here is in understanding how

the child thinks and what the child needs. On this pacing step, we

collect any background information relevant to the child’s concern.

Initial interventions that help in collecting background information are

asking questions, reflecting feelings, and clarifying content.

2. Exploration. The authors describe this second step as digging deeper;

that is, discovering how the issue of concern is relevant and relates to

the child. Here we apply the listening and reflecting techniques

detailed on the coming sections of this book to help the child clarify

thoughts and feelings even further. With sensitivity and understanding

46

of the child’s experience, we start leading the child, helping her

transition into a deeper level of awareness.

3. Understanding. As Kottler and Kottler indicate, “The deeper the

exploration of feelings and thoughts, the more profound the insights”

(p. 22). Building insight revolves around understanding why and how

the problem develops, what the child is doing to sabotage her own

progress, and what themes the child repeats over and over in her

statements and/or behavior. More in-depth techniques such as

challenging, disputing, and therapeutic confrontation start at this

level.

4. Action. As the authors indicate, “Without action to change one’s

behavior, they (understanding and insight) are virtually worthless” (p.

23). In this action step, our efforts are focused in helping the child

translate what she already knows and understands into an action plan

that will get her what she wants. The two most important

interventions in this action step are creating goals and social problem-

solving (detailed on Chapter 16).

5. Evaluation. On this final stage in the therapeutic process, we help the

child assess the extent to which she has reached her social-emotional

goal. Progress should be measured both between steps (using sub-

steps and mini-goals) and at the end of the intervention, so that we fix

errors when they happen and modify the procedure if we need to.

Assessments of progress help children visualize what they have

accomplished as well as what they still need to do.

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Part II

Where Do I Start?

48

Chapter 4

Key Elements of a Therapeutic Interaction

n this chapter, we elaborate on the two pillars that give support and

allow for the therapeutic interaction to evolve successfully: bonding

with the student and the empathic connection.OReaching the Unreachable Child with Rapport

A guiding principle in emotional or therapeutic teaching is that, the way

students feel about us strongly influences how they respond to our directives and

guidance. In plain language, the more children like us and want to please us, the

better job we will do in persuading them to change. To bring change, therapeutic

teachers build on relationships and the existing bond between child and teacher. In

a therapeutic interaction, building rapport with the unsettled student is the cement

that holds together the two columns of bonding and empathy. Establishing rapport

means that we work in connecting with the child rather than controlling the child.

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With well-established rapport, teacher and student can join forces to create a

behavior goal and to develop an action plan. In other words, teacher and student

form an alliance that leads to change. In one sentence, in helping a distraught

and/or oppositional child, first we pace and ally, and only then we try to lead and

change.

To start connecting and bonding with the distraught child it is imperative

that we understand the child from her own point of view and experience; that is,

we need to see things “with the child’s eyes.” In the helping interaction, the ability

to perceive the experience from the child’s perspective, (also known as putting

ourselves in the child’s shoes and walking in the child’s shoes) is at the core of the

empathic connection or empathy (i.e. awareness of others). When we empathize

with the child, we free ourselves from any preconceived notion that may inhibit

our ability to enter the child’s perceptual (what the child sees or hears), cognitive

(her thoughts and beliefs), and emotional (feelings) world. In analyzing the

troubling feeling and/or acting-out behavior, we suspend our judgment and

evaluation of the situation long enough, so that we can assume the child’s internal

frame of reference. The empathic connection builds upon our nonjudgmental

understanding of what the child is experiencing, in particular, what the child wants

or needs and how the child is feeling. Most specifically, an empathic connection

answers questions such as:

What is this child feeling?

What this child needs that may be influencing the way she is

behaving?

What this child believes that might be contributing to this behavior?

What this child expects from this situation that might be contributing

to the feeling or behavior?

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What do I know already about this child (i.e. experience or history)

that can help understand her current behavior?

What social skill deficits might be influencing the behavior? (Adapted

from Davis, Paleg, and Fanning, 2004.)

Using Goulston’s (2010) terms, with an empathic connection, we help the

child “feel felt” (p. 48). When an antagonistic interaction seems to be taking us

nowhere, making the child “feel felt” can bridge communication gaps and repair

feelings of anger and resentment. Equally important, making the child “feel felt”

can be the turning point in the interaction, shifting the child from defensiveness

and opposition to listening and weighing what we have to say. Goulston lists six

steps to making another person “feel felt” that we can easily adapt to children:

1. Attach an emotion to what you think the child is feeling, such as

frustrated, angry, or afraid.

2. Say, “I’m trying to get a sense of what you’re feeling and I think it is

_____.” (Fill-in an emotion.) Continue, “Is that correct? If it’s not,

then what are you feeling?” Wait for the student to agree or correct

you.

3. Then say, “How frustrated (angry, upset, etc.) are you?” Give the

child time to respond, and be prepared for intense feelings. In

addition, the child may have difficulty putting feelings into words, so

help the child articulate feelings as needed. Do not answer back or

judge, just listen and paraphrase.

4. Next, say, “And the reason you’re so frustrated (angry, upset, etc.) is

because…?” Again, let the child vent.

5. Then say, “Tell me—what needs to happen for that feeling to feel

better?”

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6. Next say, “What part can I play in making that happen? What part can

you play in making that happen?” (p. 51)

As a word of caution, empathy, or feeling as the child feels, experiencing

what the child is experiencing from her point of view and without losing our own

identity (adapted from DeVito, 2001) is not the same as sympathy. Sympathy

essentially means to feel for the child, for instance, feeling sorry for the child (e.g.

“Oh you, poor thing…” or “That’s so sad!”). With a sympathetic expression, we

share the same feeling; for instance, both child and teacher are feeling sad or both

child and teacher are feeling happy. With an empathic or empathetic statement

(e.g. “You seem overwhelmed…”), we show the student that we noticed the way

she is feeling without owning her feeling; the child may be overwhelmed, but we

are not. With a sympathetic statement we build rapport fast; with an empathetic

statement, we also build rapport fast and then, we open the door to start dealing

constructively with the troubling issue.

Guidelines to Develop Empathic Understanding

and Rapport

Simple but powerful daily routines such as saying the child’s name, greeting

the child in the mornings, making eye contact with the child, and smiling to the

child more often will do wonders in switching our interactions with the difficult to

handle student from antagonistic to collaborative. More specific things that

teachers can do routinely to create and/or strengthen rapport with a challenging

student are:

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Be flexible. Do not have a rigid, fixed expectation of what should be

normal behavior in the child.

Look for things in the child to cherish and appreciate, not for things to

criticize and judge. Pay attention to and acknowledge the child’s

skills, talents, and abilities.

Notice positive behavior. Simply noticing what the child does well

increases those behaviors. Consistently acknowledging positive

behavior improves your relationship with the difficult to handle

student.

Use the 4:1 rule: say four positive things for each negative thing that

you say to the child.

On your daily interactions with the student, make it a habit to use both

praise and encouragement. With praise we focus on our own feelings,

for example, saying, “It makes me happy to see how well you

managed the situation with Andrew;” with encouragement, we focus

on the child’s effort. For example, saying, “It was hard for you when

Andrew took your sharpener without asking you, but you stayed

calm.” Make sure that your feedback to the child is behavior specific;

that is, give feedback that describes what you see and hear. Describe

your observations without judgments or interpretations.

Students with social or behavior deficits mostly expect to receive

criticism or negative feedback from others. Because of this negative

feedback, these children’s self-image is poor. We can build a more

positive self-image, and at the same time develop a more trusting

relationship with the student by doing special talking time with the

child. Weekly, spend ten-to-fifteen minutes talking with the child

about something the child likes, something the child is good at, or

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about any random topic, as long as the child cares for the topic. Make

sure this special talking time belongs exclusively to the child, and

keep your ears wide open; you will be amazed about how many

fascinating things you will discover about this child. When we learn

fascinating things about another person, suddenly that person seems

less aversive and much more interesting to interact with.

Criticize and question the child’s actions or behavior, not the child’s

character or identity. Eliminate from your language any message

directed to the child’s identity, for example, “You have no respect for

anyone!” or “Can’t you do anything right?” By simply changing

negative and pessimistic messages into positive and inspiring ones,

teachers encourage better behavior and increase compliance.

Ask for the child’s advice and/or opinions. For example, you might

say, “I’m thinking on moving the library center to this corner. That

will give us more space to move around the room. What do you think;

where do you like it best?” Alternatively, request for the child to

share his expertise on video games by advising you on which video

game you can buy your eight-year-old for his coming birthday. Make

the child’s advice even more important by making it public,

announcing to the class that you followed the child’s advice.

The disruptive pattern exhibited by children with behavior deficits

and/or troubled students makes an impact on everybody that comes in

close contact with them, including other students in the room and

staff. In interpersonal communication theory, individuals in

interaction are seemed as members of a bigger system (environment)

in which they (individuals) are mutually influencing and reinforcing

each other (i.e. keeping the system or environment as it is). More

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specifically, what one member of the system does (disruptive student

or teacher) influence and reinforce what the other members in the

interaction will do (the classroom environment) and vice versa. It is

also believed that by changing one part of the system we

automatically change the whole system. In classroom terms, either by

changing what the disruptive student does or changing what the

teacher does, we automatically change the classroom atmosphere. The

main implication here is that by working in changing and in

improving our part in a strained system, teachers can pace and then

lead troubled students in changing and improving their part in the

system. To better understand our role in reinforcing and maintaining a

strained system or an antagonistic classroom atmosphere, we can start

by honestly answering self-evaluative questions such as:

a. How am I responding to this child’s behavior?

b. How do I interact with this child when she is angry? How do I

reinforce her troubled feelings?

c. Do I give attention to this child when she acts out, but ignore

her when she is calmed and behaving positively?

d. How am I sustaining the way we relate? Do I mirror her

behavior so that we both end up yelling at each other and

feeling angry?

We can use our knowledge of ourselves (i.e. wants, needs, and

expectations) to develop insight about children’s troubling feelings.

For example:

a. What would I want if I were this child?

b. What would I need if I were this child?

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c. What would I expect from others and from the situation if I

were this child?

Request feedback both from the child and your class about things they

would like to see different. In particular, ask which of your behaviors

they would like to see you change, and then, change those behaviors.

Comply with students’ requests so that they comply with your

requests when is your turn to ask. Always remember that, if the

troubled, anger-prone, and/or acting-out student can change, so can

you.

Talking with a Distraught Child: Enhanced

Interventions that Build On-the-Spot Rapport

and Defuse Troubling Feelings

1. Reframe the conflict as something happening within the child, not

something happening between the child and you or between the child

and another student. For example, saying, “You find yourself in this

predicament because you let your angry feelings dictate your

behavior.”

2. Express the conflict as happening between the child and an

impersonal rule, not between the child and you; for example, “The

rule in this class is no throwing spitballs.”

3. Use reflective and therapeutic listening. Teachers of students with

social and behavior deficits need to practice the skill of therapeutic

listening the same way we practice any other teaching skill. Listen to

the child carefully and without passing judgment, letting go of what is

in your mind at the moment so that you can fully concentrate on what

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the child is saying. While taking notes mentally, do not speculate

about the hidden meaning of the behavior, and do not dispute what the

child is saying. Instead, be curious about what the child says. Acting

out of curiosity, encourage the child to tell you more.

4. Do not be in a hurry to take over, as a rule the teacher should talk less

than the child talks. If you find yourself doing most of the talking, that

is a strong indication that you are not listening therapeutically. Early

in the interaction, let the child lead while you follow. Initial

interventions are mainly about pacing or understanding; to clarify the

issue of concern, focus on asking questions that encourage the student

to expand or to elaborate (e.g. “Can you tell me more?”), or ask

questions to help the child remove any part in the message that is

ambiguous or unclear. In addition, you can rephrase what the student

is saying to make sure that “you got it right,” or you can summarize.

For more on these therapeutic listening techniques, see the next

chapter.

5. Refrain from demanding that the student opens to you before she feels

ready. Use a door opener instead; that is, offer an invitation to talk but

without forcing the child. For example, asking, “Would you like to sit

or to walk with me so that you can tell me more about it?” When you

feel that you have enough information about the problem, challenge

the child by saying, “Are you strong enough to know what is really

happening inside your head?”

6. Say what you believe the child is trying to say but does not know how

to put into words. For example, “Your feelings are hurt, right?”

7. Do not promise the child that you are going to fix the problem for

him. Instead ask, “How can we fix this?” or “What can I do to help

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you fix this?” These two questions convey the message that it is the

child’s responsibility, not the teacher’s job, to solve the problem

situation.

8. Give information (observations about what happened) rather than

giving advice or telling the child what to do. The information that you

provide should guide the child in how to handle the current problem.

Students with social and behavior deficits need to learn how to deal

with conflictive interactions and troubling feelings in a socially

acceptable way.

9. In a therapeutic confrontation, we point out the discrepancy between

what the child wants and needs (e.g. “I want Sharona to play with

me”) and the child’s actions (e.g. “I hear that you want Sharona to

play with you, but you hit and curse her. The way I see this, hitting

and cursing at Sharona is not helping you win her trust, much less

become her friend”). Therapeutic teachers confront troubled and

anger-prone students only as much as we have supported the child;

that is, if we support, we can confront; if we never support, then we

do not confront.

10.Point out the discrepancy between what the child says (e.g. “I feel

fine”) and what the child does, for example, “Throwing your markers

across the room tells me that you feel bothered about something.”

11.Point out the discrepancy between the child’s verbal message (e.g. “I

feel fine”) and the child’s nonverbal behavior (e.g. “You say that you

are fine, but you look and sound upset”).

12.Challenge the child to do the opposite of what others expect her to do;

for example, “I bet you will surprise everybody by finishing the

afternoon without a tantrum.”

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13.Do not counter the child’s self-defeating beliefs (e.g. “I cannot do it!”)

by taking the opposite stance (e.g. “You can do it if you try”). Instead,

approach the negative belief from the empirical point of view

advocated by cognitive psychologists, e.g., “Would you be willing to

test your belief?”

14.Do not join a power struggle; focus on what the student wants and

needs, not on what you want or need.

15.Do not focus in proving to the child that you are in charge. Ask what

it would take for the two of you to solve the problem and offer to do

your part first.

16.If you feel uncomfortable with what the child tells you, share your

feelings but without rejecting the child. For example, if you hear that

another student was attacked by gang members to steal his jacket, do

not label the child or situation negatively (e.g. “That’s terrible! How

could you do something like that?”). Instead, share how you would

feel in a similar situation, for example, saying, “I would be devastated

if someone attacks my child to steal his jacket.” This way, you show

the child the effect of his behavior on others; however, no matter what

happens or what you hear, resist the impulse to react emotionally.

17.When discussing troubling situations such as the one above, focus on

your own feelings, not on the child’s shortcomings. In other words,

say what you like and do not like about the behavior, not what is

wrong or bad with the child.

18.Balance any criticism or negative feedback that you give to the child

with positive remarks; always start the therapeutic interaction by

saying something positive about the child. You can start with a phrase

like, “I like the way that you…”

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19.Acknowledge the child’s feelings, for example, saying, “You look

pissed.”

20.Use sympathy and share your understanding of the child’s feelings.

For example, say, “If that happens to me, I would be upset too.”

21.Defuse the angry feeling by making the feeling less intense or hostile.

Rephrase what the child says, for example:

Christopher: I hate Ms. Johnson!

Ms. Williams: You are not happy with Ms. Johnson.

22.Come to an agreement with the child that change is necessary. The

student must feel motivated to change the problem behavior before he

is willing to work for it.

23.Build on what the student says and look for a common ground; that is,

find something in which both the child and you agree and that you can

accept.

24.Agree to what the child is saying, in whole or in part, and then add

your own redirecting comment or suggestion.

25.Use a self-disclosure by revealing something similar that happened to

you. However, be careful that you listen to the child’s story first and

in full; do not “steal the story” from the child. The focus of a

therapeutic interaction is always on the child, never on the teacher.

26.Use a self-disclosure by revealing your feelings about what the child

is saying, for example, “That makes me feel sad.”

27.Use close proximity. Never reprimand, criticize, or give commands to

a troubled child in front of his peers. Stand next to the child instead

and give directives exclusively to the child, almost whispering and

making sure that only the child can hear you. In like vein, when

praising an older child with social deficits, use whisper praise to avoid

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bringing attention to the child and embarrassing the child. The older

the child is the more whisper praise we use.

28.Monitor your verbal and nonverbal messages to the student; avoid

making faces, rolling your eyes, sighing, or making any other gesture

that reveals frustration and exasperation.

29.Use your body language and tone of voice to project calmness and

being in control, and to remind the child that the two of you are allies

working to achieve the same goal (i.e. to improve the overall

classroom atmosphere by improving the child’s behavior).

30.Create a mood matching. With this sophisticated pacing and leading

technique, we start pacing by harmonizing our “body attitude”

(posture and facial expression), gestures with hands or feet, breathing

(rate and depth), and/or voice (volume, loudness, and speed) with

some of the student’s key gestures. That is, we pair the emotional

energy that the student is displaying in his troubling emotion with the

emotional energy that we display. This does not mean that we mirror

emotions (e.g. both student and teacher acting and talking angrily),

but we approximate the intensity level of the specific emotion; more

specifically, we display our “emotional energy” at a level of intensity

that is slightly below the child’s intensity level. However, instead of

displaying a similar “angry energy,” we display a positive emotion,

for example, high concern or high interest. Gradually, we lower our

emotional level (e.g. lower tone of voice, talking slower, moving

slower, and acting more calm and serene) to lead the child into

matching our calmer state, moving the child away from an “angry

energy” and into a “calmer energy.”

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31.Do not tell an agitated child to calm down; not only this remark

reinforces the perception that the child is already in an agitated state,

but also invalidates the child’s right to feel and to express anger. Is as

if we are telling the child that her feelings are wrong or do not make

sense. The first thing to do then is to validate the feeling by reassuring

the child that based on her unique perspective of the situation the way

she is feeling is understandable. Notice that we are not agreeing with

the feeling; we are simply grasping the meaning of the feeling. Once

we validate the feeling, we tell the child, “I can see how this situation

feels troubling to you. However, I need for you to remain calm, so

that I can hear from you exactly what happened.” The phrase in italics

presupposes that the child is already calmed and will stay that way, a

highly influential persuasive trick. (See Chapter 7 for analysis about

the role of presuppositions in persuading.) In addition, we support or

give external structure to the child (“I need for you to…”), something

reassuring and comforting to a child that is struggling to regain self-

control.

32.Although subjective, all feelings are perceived as facts to the person

experiencing them. The child’s feelings of anger are real and they

matter to her; therefore, do not waste precious time minimizing or

denying the way the child is feeling. Calmly acknowledge and accept

the troubling feeling and then help the child see how angry behaviors

such as yelling, cursing, threatening, hitting, and/or kicking stand in

the way of both getting her point across and of getting what she wants

or needs. That is, lead the child in establishing a more realistic

behavior-consequence connection.

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Chapter 5

Therapeutic Listening

nterpersonal or face-to-face communication begins when two or more

individuals share some kind of information, this information being in the

form of concepts, beliefs, values, opinions and/or feelings. However,

interpersonal communication falters when we do not listen to each other; simply

put, very little can be shared or communicated without listening first. If we do not

listen carefully, we miss relevant information. For this reason, listening is regarded

as a prerequisite skill upon which all other interpersonal communication skills are

predicated (Hargie, 2011). From a teacher’s perspective, a constructive teacher-to-

student exchange can only take place when we pay attention to the student, so that

we link our responses to the child’s message. Narrowing our classroom perspective

to the context of emotional communication, teachers’ therapeutic listening skills

rank first in helping an unsettled child deal with conflicted feelings; we are not

going to be able to pass on important information to the child if we are not fully

I

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committed to listen to the student. The soothing and supportive value of listening

therapeutically goes way beyond trying to understand fully what the child is

saying. When our primary focus is on listening, we give a high compliment to the

child by communicating, “I care about you, and nothing matters more than what

you are saying. What you say is important to me.” The stronger our therapeutic

listening skills, the better we understand those issues that matter to children and the

more effective we can be in helping children change. From Hargie (2011), we get

the following list of communicative goals, or what the author calls purposes of

listening, served by the skill of listening (adapted for children):

1. To focus specifically upon the message that the child is

communicating.

2. To gain a full, accurate insight into the child’s communication.

3. To critically evaluate what the child is saying.

4. To monitor the nonverbal signals accompanying the child’s verbal

message.

5. To convey interest, concern, and attention.

6. To encourage full, open, and honest expression.

7. To develop a child-centered approach during the interaction.

8. To reach a shared and agreed understanding and acceptance with the

child about both sides’ (teacher and student) goals and priorities (p.

182).

Good listening or attending skills are for the benefit of children too. Starting

on the next chapter, we elaborate on how to get children to pay attention to our

therapeutic message, but here, we focus on how teachers can display good

attending behaviors or listening skills so that we know how to recognize the cues

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that the child is sending, and learn to use those cues to grasp in-depth meaning in

the emotional message.

Listening Levels

We can categorize the skill of listening by levels, depending on how deeply

we are paying attention. In therapeutic communication, most related levels are:

Beginning Listening. We hear the first few words and then we start

thinking about something else or about what we want to say in return.

Partial Listening. We start listening with the best of our intentions,

but at some point become distracted by our own thoughts, something

that the student says, or events taking place around us.

Selective Listening. This level involves listening for specific

information while ignoring or filtering the other parts. We hear what

we want to hear and pay little attention or distort the extraneous

information or information in which we have no interest. In any of

these three levels of interrupted listening (beginning, partial, and

selective), our thoughts may start wandering anywhere else and then

we start dreaming.

Full Listening. When we are paying close attention to what the child

is saying, committed in checking for understanding and in

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summarizing, we are in a full listening mode. Active listening starts at

this level.

Deep Listening. At this most intense level, we apply full listening

skills so that we truly understand the child as an individual with

unique wants, needs, and feelings. Deep listening enables us to listen

“between the lines;” we hear the emotion, watch body language, and

identify what the child wants and/or needs (the child’s communicative

goal).

Listening Types

We can also categorize the skill of listening by types, starting with a basic

discrimination of sounds and ending with deep listening. Discriminative listening,

the most basic type, gives us the ability to identify differences between sounds. At

the discriminative listening level, our goal is simply to scan and monitor auditory

and/or visual stimuli, for example, listening to hear if a baby is crying. Next, we

make sense of those sounds by listening for comprehension; this is known as the

comprehension listening type. In comprehending, our vocabulary knowledge as

well as the language rules of grammar and syntax come into play. The ability to

extract key facts from the longer strings of information enhances our

understanding. At the comprehending level, our emphasis is upon listening for

central facts, main ideas, and relevant themes so as to fully understand the

message. This type of listening is also known as content listening and

informational listening. Among those listening types most relevant to listening

therapeutically, we find:

Evaluative Listening. This listening type is also known as judgmental,

critical, or interpretive listening. If our evaluative listening is biased

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or one-sided, we are making judgments about what the child is saying,

seeking to assess the veracity of what we hear. We adjudicate

truthfulness according to our own beliefs and values, evaluating the

message in terms of goodness or badness, worthiness or unworthiness.

In the two-sided subtype, we take into consideration all sides of the

argument or issue; our emphasis now is in listening for the main

arguments in order to establish the strengths and weaknesses of each.

Sympathetic Listening. In sympathetic listening, we connect with both

the topic and the child emotionally, showing that we care by paying

close attention to the child and by sharing feelings. If the child

expresses sadness, we show sadness; if the child expresses happiness,

we show happiness.

Active Listening. This is a structured way of listening and responding

to the message. During active listening, we listen for meaning, giving

our undivided attention to the child. Because we are in a full listening

mode, we halt both our personal frame of reference and evaluative

judgments. That is, we make no judgments or pass along no opinions;

neither we give a solution to the problem. In an emotionally charged

communication, an active listener listens for feelings, acknowledging

the emotional content that the child is expressing. For example,

saying, “You sound upset that…” or “You seem to feel frustrated

by…” This is not the same as agreeing with the child; it is simply us

stating that we understand what the child is communicating.

Empathetic Listening. On this listening type we go beyond feeling

sorry or happy for the child, looking for a deeper connection and

fuller understanding of the child’s feelings. Here, we show

commitment in attending to and in trying to understand the thoughts,

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beliefs, and feelings of the child. During empathetic listening, we pay

close attention to the emotional signals that the child is sending us.

The most important empathetic listening technique is putting

ourselves in the child’s shoes, or experiencing the events the same

way that the child is experiencing them. When we are truly

empathetic, we put aside our own need to be heard or to take turns

talking; instead, we focus on understanding, supporting, and

motivating the child. The next two listening types, therapeutic

listening and reflective listening are more sophisticated forms of the

empathetic listening type.

Therapeutic Listening. To reach this skilled level of listening, we

empathize with the child first, and then we use our empathic

connection to help the child understand, develop, or change in some

way. We use therapeutic listening in those situations where we are

trying to help the child deal constructively with troubling feelings

and/or with troublesome situations.

Reflective Listening. Branching from Carl Roger’s client-centered

model, this is a high-level empathetic listening type. Reflective

listening is founded on the belief that the capacity for insight,

problem-solving, and growth lies primarily in the child’s ability to

understand the situation, to identify solutions, to select the most

appropriate solution, and to responsibly implement the solution

selected. During reflective listening, our guiding question is not “How

can I help this child?” but “What can I do to help this child help

herself?”

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Obstacles to Effective Listening

As Van Slyke states (as cited on Hargie, 2011), a recurring problem in

listening is that “We often listen with the goal of responding rather than listening

with the goal of understanding” (p. 182). In other words, our main concern is with

what we want to say and own point of view rather than with gaining a deeper

insight into the child’s experience and perspective. From years of research in the

field of therapeutic listening, we compiled a list of blocks to listening that inhibit

teachers’ ability in listening therapeutically to children:

1. Drifting in concentration, paying attention to other things, ideas, or

people.

2. Filtering or listening selectively; that is, we listen only to what

supports and reinforces our belief system.

3. Taking charge of the topic, ignoring what the child says.

4. Shifting or changing the topic when we do not feel comfortable with

the message. This listening block is also called derailing.

5. Correcting the child, for example, saying, “That’s not what I heard

happened” or “But you were the one who…”

6. Explaining it away or interpreting the message for the student (as

opposed as with the student). For example, saying, “You got mad

because…” or “You did this because…”

7. Jumping to conclusions to fill in any missing pieces in the message

based on conclusions rooted on our past experiences with the child.

As McKay, Davis, and Fanning (2009) state, “You tend to perceive

what you are in the habit of perceiving” (p. 192).

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8. Prejudging the child based on little or ambiguous information; we

infer a lot and make a quick evaluation. Our evaluation then

influences how we listen and how we respond to the message.

9. Evaluating and or judging the message based on who is speaking

rather than on what is said. For instance, because I negatively label

William as a troublemaker, I am predisposed to blame William for

pushing in line. What William has to say in his defense is not worth

hearing or I will listen to it only to confirm my opinion.

10.Blaming and/or finding fault in the child.

11.Antagonizing with the child, for example, “I don’t care if Sammy was

pushing in line too; do you always follow what Sammy does?”

12.Searching for the weak point in the message, so that we can prove that

we are right and the child is wrong. Our focus here is in us being

right, and we will walk a great length to avoid losing the argument or

to avoid being wrong.

13.Being too quick to disagree with the child. If we listen mainly to find

something to disagree with and then defend and maintain our own

position regardless of what the child says, we are sparring. This

listening block keeps us busy arguing and debating with the child, one

of the fastest routes to a power struggle. We never hear what the

student says because we are too focused on finding things to disagree

with him. The child’s arguments are dismissed and even invalidated

with angry put-downs (e.g. “You are such a troublemaker!” and “You

have a potty mouth!”), a popular sparring technique. Without realizing

it, chances are that we are mirroring the child in both attitude and

behavior, with both of us yelling and taking strong stands in defending

our opinions and preferences.

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14.Defending either our own position, or someone else’s position.

15.Giving our own opinion and point of view, in particular, when we

convey the message that our own opinions and points of view are

more important than the child’s are.

16.Using the child’s actions (behavior) to state what we want (as opposed

to what the child wants or needs). For instance, saying, “You are

always messing up for the other students! You better start fixing your

act.”

17.Minimizing or discounting the child’s feelings. For example, saying

things like “Cheer up. There is no need to be upset,” “You will feel

better as soon as you stop feeling sorry for yourself,” “Don’t worry,

these things happen,” “So, he called you Pinocchio. Big deal!” or

“Stop overreacting!” Another way of minimizing feelings is by

placating or agreeing with everything the child says. Our focus in

placating is not directed at listening but at avoiding conflict.

18.Denying the child’s feelings, for example, saying, “Oh, you don’t

really feel that way.”

19.Reading the child’s mind (e.g. “I know what you’re thinking”),

guessing a hidden meaning (e.g. “I know why you’re doing this”), or

guessing a hidden motivation (e.g. “I know what you want”).

20.Leading or directing the child to talk only about the things that we

want to talk about.

21.Pondering in something that already happened or in something the

child said (focusing in the past) at the expense of listening to what the

child is saying in the present (focusing in the present).

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22.Keeping our focus in how to manage what is going to happen next

(focusing in the future) rather than in listening to what the child is

currently saying, or listening in the present.

23.Rehearsing, or mentally planning our response while the student is

still talking.

24.Trying to fix things. A similar listening block would be rescuing or

taking responsibility in solving the problem for the child.

25.Giving advice that tells the child what to do next. For example, “Now

go and apologize to Lucy,” “Go and tell Lucy how you feel,” “Ask

Lucy to come over here to share the book with you,” or “Just ignore

her!” A therapeutic intervention would be asking the child, “What do

you think you can do to settle this argument with Lucy?” Although

advice has a role in therapeutic communication, when we deliver it

too early in the interaction we defeat the main purpose of any

therapeutic intervention: teaching children to find their own solutions

to their social problems. Jumping with advice, or to rescue the child,

can entrap us into missing what is more important in the therapeutic

interaction: listening to feelings, both explicit and implied.

26.Lecturing and educating the child; for example, telling Lucy, “The

problem with you is that you don’t share. If you were friendlier, you

will be able to enjoy the company of other kids.”

27.“Stealing” the story by giving ourselves the role of the main character

and making the story all about us, most specifically, what we want or

need. Because we are such an interesting character our attention is on

crafting the main character (“wonderful me”); that is, our focus is on

telling about us, not on learning about the child.

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28.Identifying with the story (another way in which “wonderful me” can

steal the story). Whatever we hear the child saying triggers our

memories of our own similar experiences and endlessly, we start

sharing our “it happened to me too” experiences before the child had

the chance to finish her story.

29.Feeling sorry for the child; also known as pitying. For instance,

saying, “Oh you, poor thing…” or “I’m sorry to hear that you’re in

such a mess.”

30.Consoling and/or making excuses for the child, for example, “Don’t

worry about this. This was Sammy’s fault, not yours.”

31.Asking the child, “Why do you always do that?” Chances are that the

child is not going to be able to explain his behavior.

Traveling to the Therapeutic Realm: Listening

Skills that Ensure a Swift Journey

Empathy

As introduced on chapter four, empathy is the essence of therapeutic

communication, having a fundamental role in listening for healing or listening

therapeutically. Empathy can be a powerful soothing tool for both the student and

the teacher. A short, supportive phrase accompanied with a gesture of empathy

(e.g. saying “I hear you” while touching the child on the shoulder) will take us only

a moment but will walk a mile in creating rapport and in improving a challenging

relationship with a hard to handle student. When we create an empathic connection

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with the unsettled child, we show that we understand what the child means from

his point of view or frame of reference, not ours. By walking in the child’s shoes,

we are in a better position to understand what the child is thinking (cognitive

empathy) and feeling (feelings empathy).

Empathy is frequently confused with, but is not the same as, sympathy. A

feeling of sympathy is mainly a feeling of compassion or concern; for example,

feeling sorry for the child because her kitten died. With sympathy, the feeling (e.g.

grief, anger, embarrassment, or happiness) is shared as if it belongs to both child

and teacher. Examples of sympathy statements would be, “I’m sorry to hear that

your kitten died” and “I would feel angry too if that happens to me.” With

empathy, on the other hand, we “borrow” the child’s feelings to observe and to

understand them, but without adopting any of those feelings as our own. As an

empathetic listener, we remain detached from the problem situation, a skill also

known in clinical settings as engaged detachment and participant observer. By

becoming a participant observer, the therapeutic teacher responds to the child’s

emotional experience without taking ownership of the child’s troubling and/or

angry feelings. In other words, by keeping an appropriate emotional distance the

participant observer remains objective in order to maintain a clearer view of the

issue. In our helping capacity, teachers and school staff have the valuable

opportunity of presenting an alternative perspective to the problem situation

helping the distraught child answer: “What might this problem look like with the

emotions subtracted?” (Adapted from Knapp, 2007.) The author continues,

“Hence, your objective perspective may enable the opportunity to view and present

problems with and without the emotions in place, which may provide alternative

routes to the problem-solving pathway” (p. 10). Empathetic or empathic

statements are of the kind:

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You must be upset…

I can see that you were angry because…

I imagine that you must feel…

At this moment you feel…

I understand that you’re feeling…

I hear that you feel…

We can express empathy both verbally (e.g. “Uh-huh…” “I see…” “I follow

you…”) and nonverbally (e.g. nodding, a relaxed facial expression, or putting our

arm on the child’s shoulder).

Acceptance

During our therapeutic journey, the skill of acceptance walks hand-in-hand

with the skill of empathy. When we are listening empathetically, we both show

respect and accept the student’s rights to his own experience and feelings. We

suspend our own frame of reference, entering the child’s private perceptual world,

and accepting without judgment the child’s perception of the problem. We show a

willingness to hear and to understand what the child has to say without negative

criticism and without any preconditions. Acceptance basically means staying as

neutral as we can; our own perspective is not part of our responses, even if we

disagree with the child’s interpretation of the problem or with the child’s

behaviors. We give our undivided attention to what the child is saying, so that the

child feels heard in a nonjudgmental way. Strongly related to the skill of

acceptance is the ability to listen with an open mind or listening with openness. To

keep an open mind, McKay, Davis, and Fanning (2009) share the following piece

of advice: “The most important rule for listening with openness is to hear the

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whole statement, the entire communication, before judging. Premature evaluations

don’t make sense because you don’t have all the information” (p. 21).

Accepting the student’s perception of the problem is different from

accepting the problem itself. We are accepting what the child is saying and feeling,

not agreeing with it. At this entry level, the therapeutic listener avoids expressing

any kind of agreement or disagreement with the issue discussed. Another way of

showing acceptance is by communicating to the child that we believe in his ability

to solve his own social problems.

Immediacy

DeVito (2001) defines immediacy as “The joining of the speaker and

listener, the creation of a sense of togetherness, of oneness” (p. 145). Therapeutic

listeners demonstrate immediacy by conveying a sense of interest and attention, a

liking for the child. As the author states, immediacy joins us; nonimmediacy

separates us. The skill of immediacy is also known as nonverbal attending (Knapp,

2007) and attending behavior (Morse and Ivey, 1996). Most closely related to the

skill of immediacy would be the therapeutic skills of rapport (detailed on chapter

four) and pacing (detailed on chapter three). From the literature in interpersonal

communication, we get some pointers for communicating immediacy both

nonverbally and verbally:

Maintaining physical closeness and arranging our body to exclude

third parties.

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Maintaining appropriate eye contact and limiting looking around at

others.

Keeping a relaxed, inviting, and open posture; avoiding crossing arms

and/or legs.

Smiling to the child and looking pleasant (relaxed facial muscles).

Reflecting the child’s facial expressions to show sympathy and

empathy with the emotional story that the child is telling.

Leaning forward occasionally.

Communicating warmth, interest, and confidence with our voice.

Expressing concern for the child (e.g. “I’m concerned about…”).

Using the child’s name, for example, saying, “Sammy, what do you

think?” or “What do you think, Sammy?”

Staying on topic, which is the child’s topic.

Using self-references (i.e. what we think and/or believe) in our

evaluative statements, for example, “I think your idea shows insight”

rather than “Your idea shows insight.”

Focusing on the child’s remarks; making the child feel that we are

listening by referencing his previous remark (e.g. “So, you think our

classroom is too crowded”).

Focusing on the child’s remarks by giving feedback that relates to

what the child said (e.g. “I think that your opinion shows insight”).

Alternatively, we can ask for clarification (e.g. “What do you mean

by crowded?”) or elaboration (e.g. “Can you tell me more?”).

Giving a compliment to the child. For example, saying, “I like your

new sneakers” or “I admire your sense of humor.” However, keep in

mind that to be effective your compliment must be sincere.

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Sensitivity

Listening with sensitivity is being aware of the emotional content of the

message, in particular, the feelings expressed explicitly and implicitly. The child’s

feelings are never questioned or diminished, but echoed either in a sympathetic or

an empathetic voice. From Nichols (1995), we adapted ways in which teachers can

show sensitivity when listening to children’s troubling feelings:

Paying attention to what the child is saying

Acknowledging the child’s feelings

Listening without giving our opinion

Listening without offering advice

Listening without immediately agreeing or disagreeing

Noticing how the student appears to be feeling, and then asking the

child

Respecting the student’s need for quiet times

Respecting the student’s need to address the problem

Not pushing too hard for feelings

Time

In order to truly listen to a troubled or angry child, we must set aside ample

time to do it. When we give children the precious gift of our time, we are letting

them know that we care and that we are interested in what they have to say. As a

first step, invite the child to sit; this way, you communicate without words your

willingness to listen and to take the time to do it. If you do not have enough time to

listen, just be honest and tell the child, this is always better than rushing through

things. However, make sure that you schedule a meeting with the child for a more

appropriate occasion, for instance, saying “I really can’t concentrate on what

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you’re saying right now. Can you come to see me after dismissal?” or “I’m really

interested in what you have to say, but I would like to wait until I can give you my

full attention. How do you feel about continuing this conversation at lunch time?”

Table 5.1. Listening Therapeutically to Children

_____________________________________________________________

1. Listen to the child with respect, as you would do with a friend.

2. Maintain the confidentiality and keep it private.

3. Set aside enough time to listen.

4. Give the child your undivided attention.

5. Keep an open mind and do not evaluate or judge.

6. As a first step, help the student feel comfortable and build trust.

7. Show genuine interest and be curious. Show interest by making supportive comments

like, “That’s interesting…” and “Tell me more.”

8. Instead of agreeing or disagreeing with the child, invite him to tell you more. Tell the

child that you want to know more.

9. Say nothing. Just by listening and communicating acceptance with connecting

gestures such as nodding, touching the child on the shoulder, and/or a tender smile,

we support and encourage the child.

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10. Use minimal encouragers or short phrases such as “I see,” “Yes,” “Uh-huh,” and

“I’m listening.”

11. Resist the impulse to switch the focus to you and to what is in your mind.

12. Do not be in a hurry to takeover.

13. If you truly want to know how the child is feeling, just ask her; and then listen.

14. Give the child time to express freely what she thinks and feels.

15. Give the child ample time to complete her thoughts. Do not interrupt after the first

pause; speak only after the child is finished.

16. Give the student the opportunity to make his point, acknowledge it, and only then say

your part.

17. Resist the impulse to react emotionally to what you hear.

18. Try to understand the feelings that the child is expressing explicitly and implicitly,

not just facts or ideas.

19. Respond to feelings, not just content.

Chapter 6

The Role of Self in Emotional Communication

n any interpersonal exchange there are at least two selves in interaction: your-

self (other or child) and my-self (I or me). In a therapeutic interaction, most

specifically, we build emotional self-awareness by helping the distraught

child connect with him-self or her-self. However, our positive influence shrinks if

we, the teacher or helper, have limited ability in connecting with our most

accessible self in the interaction: my-self. Simply put, if I have difficulty

connecting with my emotional self, then, how can I help the child, any child,

understand and connect with his or her emotional self? With this question in mind,

I

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we prepare for our helping role by removing the veil that is keeping the self hidden

from our view.

Types of Self

According to Hargie (2011), the self can take many forms and can be

analyzed from different perspectives. The author lists the following sides or types

of self:

I really am- True Self

I would really like to be- Ideal Self

I want others to think I am- Social Self

I used to be- Past Self

A new person- Reconstructed Self

***END OF THIS EXCERPT***

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Carmen Y. Reyes, The Psycho-Educational Teacher, has 20+ years of

experience as a self-contained special education teacher, resource room teacher,

and educational diagnostician. In the classroom, Carmen has taught at all grade

levels, from kindergarten to post-secondary. Carmen is an expert in the application

of behavior management strategies and in teaching students with learning or

behavior problems. Her classroom background, in New York City and in her native

Puerto Rico, includes 10 years teaching students labeled as emotionally disturbed,

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and four years teaching children with a learning disability or low cognitive

functioning. Carmen has a bachelor’s degree in psychology (University of Puerto

Rico) and a master’s degree in special education with a specialization in emotional

disorders (Long Island University, Brooklyn: NY). She also has extensive graduate

training in psychology (30+ credits). Currently, Carmen is a full-time writer. She

authors 70+ books and articles in child guidance and in alternative teaching

techniques for students struggling academically. All her publications are available

on her blog, The Psycho-Educational Teacher.

CONNECT WITH THE AUTHOR ONLINE

Blog

http://thepsychoeducationalteacher.blogspot.com/

Facebook

http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Psycho-Educational-Teacher/

168256836524091

Twitter

http://twitter.com/psychoeducation

Email

thepsychoeducationalteacher@gmail.com

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