Communication

Gentle Art of Verbal Self-defenseISBN 0880290307

Non Violent Communication

Emotions vs. Facts

Why do we talk?

What do we talk about?

Conflict is always about feelings never about facts. Making a fact based decision doesn’t necessarily remove the conflict.

People have emotions caused by needs being met or unmet.

These needs are inherent to being human.

Negative emotions are a sign of unmet needs.

Other people’s actions are only a trigger for our emotion/reaction, not a cause.

Talking in a nonviolent way:

Leave out judgements “You make me feel bad”, Stick with facts. Feelings are not you, feelings are something you have.

Discover what you need.

Give the other person an actionable request. “What do you feel about this?”, “Could you call me the next time you will be late.”

Remember that a request can be affirmed or not. The other person is not required to do what you want.

Talking with our selves in a non-violent way:

Talking with the parts of us that are scared, or angry, or worried.

Giving our emotions legitimacy. You get to be sad or angry and you don’t immediately have to figure out why and remedy it.

You recognize people communicating violently.Linux vs. Mac vs. Windows users.

Word is …

What works

Saturday Check-in

Problems don’t turn into huge things, because the week has time specifically built in for clearing and talking.

Remembering that you are responsible for your own emotions and your own actions.

Respecting a request for a time out: this is a hard one, because I like to discuss things until they are dead/cleared up and A needs time to get the adrenaline rush out of the way.

Paying attention and celebrating victories together, as well as mourning losses together.

Bohk

The Usual Error

The usual error refers to the assumption that other people want the same things as we do, or think the same way we do. It is reflected in the golden rule, or in our surprise when our sweetheart tells us, no he does not like cherries.

Unfortunately people vary and we need to make sure that we know what the other person wants and needs.

People also have different ways of dealing with conflict. Some people get a huge emotional rush that takes a long time to abate, so they might still feel angry when the fight is over.

Sometimes conflict is a result of one person feeling shitty due to not enough food/water/sleep. Try those things first.

People’s attention span differs.

Using NVC for business