Effective Communication

Telling the Truth in Love

Objectives

Demonstrate how effective communication is the scriptural application of Telling the Truth in Love

Describe the building blocks of communication Process

Learn tools: active listening and positive assertiveness

Enhance strategies when communication is difficult, sensitive, or conflictual

Communication

is a spiritual exercise builds relationship shapes community enhances participation brings accountability

Telling the Truth in Love

Kings take pleasure in honest lips. They value a man who speaks the truth. (Prov. 16:14)

Let your yes be yes and your no be no. (James 5:12)

To be perceived as genuine, your non-verbal behavior, tone of voice, and content (words) should all send the same intended message

Building Blocks of a Message

Face to Face

55% Non-Verbal

Body Language

38% Tone of voice

7% Message Content

Email or letter

Phone Conversation

Matthew 18:15 If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you an him alone. If he listens to you have gained your brother.

Why don’t we obey this command? We are afraid of hurting someone We are afraid of someone else’s anger We are afraid of our own anger We are afraid of abandonment We don’t know how to express ourselves

What we do instead: Triangle

Tell someone else and tell them not to tell.

A tells CA

B C

A has problem with B

C may or may not get involved

Yeshua triangle buster: Mark 20:20-22

Mother of Zebedee: Grant that my sons may sit one at your right and one at your left in your kingdom

Yeshua to them: Can you drink the cup I’m going to drink?

Result: End of triangle. Beginning of meaningful conversation

Other ways to avoid Matt. 18:15

Gossip (See Gal 5:15) Bring it up at a meeting ‘without mentioning

names’. Talk about other’s sin in ‘prayer’ Let it fester inside Give someone the silent treatment

The difficult conversation: three conversations in one

“Each Difficult Conversation is Really Three Conversations”)

– The “What Happened?” Conversation– The “Feelings” Conversation– The “Identity” Conversation

The aim is to go from debate to dialogue

What Happened? “True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.”

― C.S. Lewis

The “What Happened?” Conversation Can I allow myself to see the other person’s

viewpoint. You can offer understanding without agreeing with their position.

What assumptions am I making about them? What did I contribute to cause this situation?

The Feeling Conversation

Describe your feelings without venting. Take responsibility for your reactions/feelings without judging or blaming

Use the “I” word as in “I feel upset, hurt, disappointed, etc”

Dealing with your own strong emotions

Process your feelings with a friend, in prayer before God and by journaling before you speak with the other person.

Is there a pattern in your life that goes deeper causing an over-reaction?

Ask yourself if this reminds you of someone or something else?

The Identity Conversation

How attached am I to my position based on the need to preserve my self-image, my self-esteem? Do I feel attacked when that might not be actually happening.

(Ask yourself on a scale of 1-10. How important is this issue to me.)

Can I remain confident in my identity while giving some ground in this difficult conversation?

Choosing to Love: “…love one another” 1 John 3:11

Aggressive responses invite escalation“The negative squelch” Passive responses prevent resolution,

“I must never say what I feel unless it’s positive”Authentic responses can bring meaningful

interactionUsing “I” statements can be loving and truthful.

The 4 steps in going to your brother or sister

What have they done? How it hurt you or upset you The consequences What would have been more helpful

The lips of the righteous know what is fitting. (Proverbs 10:32)

Begin by being specific. Do not attack their character with generalizations.

When you……………………(what they did)I felt……………………………(Sad, angry, hurt,

confused, etc)Consequently………………….What might have been helpful……………..

More Tools for the toolbox

Listening Asking good questions Learning to be honest with grace Not defending

He who answers before listening that is folly and shame (Proverbs 18:13)

Listening Promotes a sense of communion Brings relief Builds trust and rapport Diffuses tension Translates as love Communicates respect“Every time we listen we reflect the listening

father” (Norman Wakefield)

Active Listening A gentle word turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Prov. 15:2)

Reflective listening-How to do it?. Reflect back the content Ask them “Did I get

it?” If not, ask them to explain again. Summarize Offer understanding. Try to imagine what they are feeling

(empathy).

Phrases for failure

What’s with you? You always… You never do that right. Even (insert name) says this about you. You’re just like your father, mother, etc…

The fruits of zapping come back on the zapper’s head. (William Backus)

Asking Questions

Use open-ended questions that need more than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer.

– Tell me more?– What did I do that made you feel that way?– Help me understand what you mean by…?– Avoid asking “why”. It tends to put people on

the defensive. Ask instead “What”.

It’s OK to say “No”

Luke 13:13-14Follower: Teacher, bid my brother to divide the inheritanceYeshua: Man, who made me judge or divider over you.

The fear of the Lord (not mankind) is the beginning of wisdom. Ways to say ‘No” No, that won’t work for me. I’m sorry. I won’t be coming to that meeting. Thank you for asking. I don’t want to do that. Perhaps another time. It’s not good time for you to visit. Let me get back to you

when it will work better for both of us. (From: Telling Each Other the Truth. William Backus.

Dealing with anger/control in others

Offer understanding but hold your boundary. “I understand you feel upset, but this is

something I need to do” “I understand that might be frustrating for

you. I care for you, but I need to set this boundary with you.

Don’t make decisions out of fear of other’s reactions.

When someone comes to us: Responding Constructively

Give up on looking good, right or anything that puts you above anyone else

Receive correction as a gift Ask how you contributed to the situation. What behavior of yours made them feel sad,

angry, perplexed, etc?. Be humble. (Not being more than you are.

We are all life long learners)

Speaking the truth in LOVE

Love means putting the other first. Thanking and appreciating them

Love speaks what is good for the other person “Better the rebuke of a friend…” (Pr.27:6)

“I care about this relationship. I ‘d like to find a way for us to solve this” Is better than “Get. lost. You’re hopeless. I never want to see you again.”

I Corinthian 13

Love is patient = hang in there Love is not proud = you could actually be

wrong! Love is not rude = don’t interrupt Love is not easily angered =communicate,

don’t argue Love always hopes = change is possible

SummaryTelling the Truth in Love

Be clear on what the goal of the communication is. (“to win your brother or sister”), not to win an argument)

Identify specific behavior. No character slams.Take responsibility for your own feelingsLet them know the impactRequest change as a gift, not a demandBe willing to admit your contributionListen because you care.

If you walk in the light as He is in the light you will have fellowship with one another and the blood of Yeshua purifies us from all sin.” 1John 7

I John 7

Resources

Backus, William, (1985) Telling the Truth in Love. Bethany House::MN

Benner, David (1999). Care of Souls. Baker Books:MI