Depression Poems

© Copyright, Peter Stone, 2010

These poems are based upon poems and diary entries I made in the early 1990s

while suffering from severe depression. The poems are in chronological order,

spanning a period of about ten months. To read of my journey in learning to cope

with and eventually recover from depression, feel free to pop over to my blog,

as below: www.cornerstonethefoundation.blogspot.com

Floundering in an Arid Wilderness Why is my life

in such inner turmoil?

I grow faint,

physically and emotionally,

yet I don’t know why.

I flounder helplessly

in this arid wilderness,

buffeted by the winds

of despair and confusion.

Anger and bitterness

rise up like a flood.

I turn to Jesus,

seeking comfort,

although it feels like

He has forsaken me.

I try to face

and sort through

the issues and implications,

but there’s too many of them.

Languishing in a Personal Hell Every day I languish

in this personal hell.

I want to get out of myself,

and go anywhere else.

I’ve tried not to grumble,

not to get bitter.

And I failed.

I think and think,

searching to find

the answers as to what

has happened to me and why,

but it is worthless -

I am allergic to my own thoughts!

They are plagued

with fears and doubts,

and my wretched understandings.

Surely they are my undoing!

I feel so inadequate, so helpless,

oh Lord, when will it end?

This Endless Inner Pain No one can see

this endless inner pain,

or hear me screaming

on the inside,

wishing it would end.

And somehow

I am still me,

even though I’m not

the slightest bit like myself.

Although the mornings are worse,

this endless feeling of dread

perturbs me all day, every day.

Occasionally it relents,

only to return in full force.

And whenever I think and analyse,

I fall deeper into this miry pit.

Regardless of how hard I try,

I cannot turn off my mind!

I cannot believe this is happening to me.

Help me, God!

Are You angry with me,

or do You understand,

and love me all the more?

Will I Ever See Daylight Again? I feel like a bird

trapped in a suffocatingly small birdcage,

hidden at the bottom

of a dark basement.

I want to breakout of the blackness,

And fly into the Light outside.

But it is an impossible task – I can’t get out.

And the thick, murky black air closes in…

I feel like I’m in a room

with invisible walls.

But it’s so black in the room,

that I can’t see through the walls.

Where I go, the room goes –

I can’t get out.

I wish someone would chain the room still,

so that I could get out into the Light,

But there is no escape,

because I am the room.

I know there is Light outside,

I can remember it!

I see others walk in it every day,

but how do I get out to that Light?

Will this nightmare ever end?

Those who have been here before me,

Have left sign posts along the way,

But they all say the same thing:

“Wait and you’ll come through it,

life will be normal again one day.”

How do I Stop Feeling? This suffering

pollutes my worldview,

so I see everything

in a wrong light.

Instead of the truth

I see only heartache and nightmare.

I know the conclusions

I’ve been making

are affected by the way I feel,

But how do I stop thinking?

How do I stop feeling?

I see others

living and prospering,

yet I remain stuck

in this dark prison cell.

Jesus, where are You?

Please see my circumstances

and hear my prayer.

I know You are Faithful and True.

Where Does This Road Lead? What is this storm

that rages within me?

Why won’t it abate?

I’ve done nothing but hide and wait

for four long months now.

“It will end one day soon,” they tell me.

But where is the proof?

I have no future,

how can there be when I’m like this?

I can’t face anyone

except those I must.

I wait and I wait and I pray,

but I’m so weak that I lack

the strength to fight

the anger and frustration that consume me.

Where does this road lead?

It is difficult to trust God

in these circumstances,

even though He says

He will never let me down.

The fact is, God can see the end,

But I cannot –

I see this going on forever.

Seeing a Counsellor Because my life is

a complete mess,

I have started seeing a counsellor.

I felt so guilty

for taking up her time,

but I need the help,

so I make myself go.

She said that depression

is the worse ailment

we can have,

because it affects

all areas of our lives:

mentally, emotionally,

physically, and spiritually.

We err in thinking

that because our spiritual life is effected,

the cause must be spiritual.

But no, depression touches every part of us.

She listed the symptoms of depression,

all of which afflict me:

having no hope,

unable to see a future,

cannot see myself recovering,

looking at everyone else

and wishing I was any one of them

instead of myself.

She has been helping me to see

the true perspectives

on the things I fear,

and said that I need

to be on anti-depressant meds.

A Faint Glimmer of Hope I can scarcely believe it,

but it’s been nearly two weeks

since I’ve wanted to end it.

I am tempted to deny

ever feeling like that,

but I did -

I just wanted to do die

to get away from the pain.

So these anti-depressant tablets

must be helping me.

For four weeks I’ve taken them.

My fears that they would not help,

were unfounded.

And is it true?

Can I see a faint glimmer of light now?

How many others

are there out there,

suffering like me?

I wish I could help

and comfort them,

but I wouldn’t know how,

I don’t even know

how to survive this myself.

What Kept Me from Ending it? What was it

that stopped me

from ending it,

when I all wanted

to do was die?

Jesus was one reason

I persevered,

but the main thing

that kept me from ending my life,

was my mother and the others

who care for me.

I had to keep going for them.

I have seen the wreckage,

the utter devastation,

that suicide inflicts upon a family,

so regardless of how bad it got,

irrespective of how much pain I was in,

I refused to put my loved ones

through such an ordeal.

So I persevered,

until glimpses of hope returned.

A Difficult Road The deep pain has gone,

but I’m still a mess.

I still travel

a most difficult road.

The old fears and doubts

have arisen to swamp me again.

But I have found

that if I don’t analyse them

they don’t overcome me

and I don’t fall.

I try to keep my eyes

fixed upon Jesus,

to trust and rely upon Him,

Oh, how I long

to be normal again,

for I believe that this nightmare

will end one day.

I see faint glimmers

of a future,

although I suspect

recovery will be slow.

It just seems so distant.

I have been forced to trust God

when it feels like

He has abandoned me.

Dread’s Fatal Embrace This road

has its ups and downs,

except these ups are what

I once called the downs.

Despair’s insipid lure

calls me

to concede defeat.

But I’ll not yield

to dread’s fatal embrace,

nor subscribe

to its assertions,

that this darkness

will never end.

Each day eventually

comes to an end,

and so will

this nightmare.

Self-Hate Self-hate

keeps descending on me

like a swarm of angry hornets.

I look at myself

and find nothing but contempt

for this pathetic person

that I have become.

But I know this is wrong.

When I examine myself

through Jesus’ eyes,

I see someone special,

someone loved,

appreciated,

and cared for.

Not Over Yet Two weeks ago

I felt almost normal,

but was I too hopeful?

The last two or three days

have been almost as bad as before,

and it caught me off guard.

I felt so disturbed

that I struggled with self-harm,

I wasn’t trying to punish myself,

I was trying to make it go away.

What happened to me?

How did I get to be like this?

I know I overworked myself last year,

and tried to be what I am not,

and suffered that major shock.

And although my life at the moment

is not much of a life,

I guess I should still be thankful,

so I still praise God

for all He has given me.

I have had the flu for three months now.

Is holding down a normal job is too much?

If so, tough! I must work,

even if it means

I spend the rest of my life sick.

I cannot drop out of society.

I must keep going and kick this 'thing.'

A Book all about Me I have just read

"Self Help For Your Nerves"

by Dr Claire Weekes,

It is a book all about me.

The book describes

EVERY single thing

that has afflicted me

for the past eight months,

and even the months preceding that.

All the strange things

in my mind, body, and emotions,

were caused by the same thing -

the fear-adrenalin-fear cycle.

For the last eight months,

I have feared and fought against

all the things that were going wrong in me.

This book teaches

that these two reactions

only make it worse.

In a nutshell, my nerves have fallen apart,

manufacturing far too much adrenalin.

This over abundance of adrenalin

created all those disturbing symptoms.

And my response to these symptoms

was to fear and fight them.

This reaction produced more adrenalin,

which made me fear or fight them all the more –

the cycle is never ending.

It is a catch 22 situation, a merry go round.

This book has taught me how to react

to stop that cycle.

And it is teaching me how to react

whenever it strikes again.

Thank you Jesus,

for answering my prayers,

and for showing me

what was wrong with me.

The Bewilderment is Gone Life has changed

now that I know what's wrong with me.

All the bewilderment of:

what is wrong with me?

what is going on?

why won't it stop or go away?

where did it come from?

is gone!

Now I say with relief –

“I know what's wrong with me,

my nervous system has packed up.

It has developed a habit cycle

of manufacturing too much adrenalin,

and it does so ALL of the time.”

But apart from that it is very hard.

I still feel exhausted and awful most of the time.

All I want to do is be normal again.

I want to be able to see people again.

I wish I had some friends,

I feel so alone.

I just want to get on with life.

and be whole again –

but stay within my limits this time.

Letting Time Pass Instead of dreading

the disturbing symptoms,

I face them.

Yes, they are awful,

and I although I do not want them,

are they really so unbearable,

that I cannot think, function or live?

No! Although dreadful,

I can still think, function and live.

The worst part was my fear

that I would be like this forever.

I no longer say,

“I can’t live like this!”

Instead, I am learning to accept

that these symptoms

will be part of my life for now,

and I’m learning to live with them,

as if they were background music

to my day.

And I am letting time pass,

while keeping myself busy

with recreational activities.

Dr Weekes says

this will break

the fear-adrenalin-fear cycle,

and lead me back

to being myself again.

Getting Back Out There My counsellor said that although

I have not fully recovered yet,

I am better enough

to stop getting counselling

and get back out there.

She suggested getting more involved in church,

and becoming a musician again.

She said that to be in deep surrender to God

means to never look back

with regret upon the past,

nor forward to what I want to be in the future.

To compare myself to what I used to be,

or to what I want to be,

is a hindrance for resting in God's will.

So trusting in God, I will be content to be:

who I am today,

where I am today,

and how I am today.