Copyright © Health Education Today, Inc. 2014

But conflict is inevitable...The key is to resolve conflict, while trying to

get what we want, or compromise with the other person

in a positive way!

CONFLICT RESOLUTION SKILLS:

In a conflict you often don’t get what you wanted because you:

1. Don't stay calm

or

2. You lose sight ofthe outcome you wanted…

(see SO QIUC handout on desks)

S O Q U I C (Don’t be so quick to jump to conclusions) S – stay calm: breath, count, relax, think of a peaceful place,

use reminders statements like:

“It’s no big deal” “It’s not worth it”“I can handle it” “Getting mad won’t help”

O – outcome: what outcome do I want? Q – question: question to clarify U – understand: their point of view I – “I” statement: say how I feel C – compromise

-“How come Janis gets to go to the dance

and I don’t get to?”-”Because she’s follows the

family rules and you don’t.”

“That’s not fair, you alwayspick on me, you favor her…” Stomp off to room and slam

Door…

“Mom-can I talk with you? There’s a dance I

really want to go to…If I follow the rules

all week until Friday…”

IN CONFLICT: The goal is to stay calm, remember the outcome WE want, while trying to understand what THEY want...

Remember, you can't ever control someone else's feelingsor actions, but we can control our own, and we can

let the other person know our feelings in a positive way.

This can help prevent arguing, blaming, defensiveness, and conflict in relationships!

Using "I" statement

s in conflict

Conflict escalators – watch video example

wrong way

Here is an example of "escalating" an argument from the T.V. show "Survivor." The premise of the show is that two competing teams live, work, and compete with each other, voting one person off tribal council and the last person remaining wins a million dollars.

So, the outcome each person wants is to win $1,000,000.00!

Do you think you could get along with ANYONE for $1,000,000.00????!!

1. At tribal council the night before the argument between Twila and Mia, Twila complains that the "younger" women, including Mia, don't do any work around camp and that they're lazy. Here is some of their conversation, and real photos from the show/video clips.

MiaTwila

2. The next day at camp Eliza recognizes that Twila's comment made Mia mad and she suggests a solution:

Mia

Eliza

She suggests that they make a work rotation system so no one can say someone else is not working as hard...

3. But, Mia doesn't even listen to her. A minute later she starts yelling at Twila.

Mia: "Twila-you might be starting the fire, but who'sgetting the firewood? We've done a ton of work!"Twila: "I'm not saying you didn't."Mia: "We could easily start a fire in the morning if you didn't."

4. The two continue fighting.

Mia: "Twila-you always play the martyr, if you were not here we would still have fire." Twila: "You're lying. You keep on lying."Mia: (to side camera) "We've all pulled our weight around here. I'm going to call her out as much as possible because I can't stand Twila, I want her out."

5. You can tell by these photos the heated (and censored!) verbal accusations continue!

Mia: "Whatever Twila. You play the martyr, I don't care.Twila: "I didn't say you didn't work around here."Mia: "Yes you did-you called us out last night."Twila: "Then quit sitting on the beach and going swimming when everybody else is working.Mia: Twila-We can't swim for 10 minutes?

Mia: "Don't think you're going to sit there and yell at me and then act like nothing." Twila: I'm not taking it, because I don't care...I'm not in this to make any friends."

6. All day at camp the arguing continues, and Mia gets more and more mad and set on getting Twila voted out. The others at camp are sick of hearing the fighting and complaining and no one can get Mia to let it go. At the next tribal council, Mia gets voted out!! (Twila ended up as first runner up, but someone else won the show.)

Did you hear “bulldozing?”…

Did you hear “bulldozing?”… conflict archeology?...

global statements?... counter attack?... Above it all?

wrong way

Did either woman stay calm?

What “outcome” do people on this show want?

Why was Mia frustrated to begin with?...Did she question how to resolve it? Was she interested in a solution for her frustrations?

right way

"I" statement example that Mia could have used:

Mia: “I” Statement: I’m offended when you say I don’t work because I actually built the whole roof of the shelter, and I’ve gotten wood every morning for the fire, so I know I’ve done my share of the work.

Compromise that Mia could have used: did anyone hear the girl in the hammock's idea at the very beginning of the clip?

THE #1 KEY TO RESOLVING CONFLICT IS TO SEE THE OTHER PERSON’S

PERSPECTIVE {POINT OF VIEW}…

True Story example of how what you say and how you say itcan make people instantly defensive...

Directions for 2nd Conflict

"I" Statements Worksheet

1 you1 you

Names: ______________________+ _________________________Period:_________________"I" statements and compromises (it's all about how you say it!!!) THE BEST RELATIONSHIP SKILL IS EMPATHY! Change these "you " statements into "I" statements. DON'T FORGET THE OUTCOME YOU WANT!! 1. A teacher says to a group of students, “You guys never pay attention.  Be quiet right now.” (What does the teacher want? Change it to an "I" statement

-I'm frustrated when lots of kids are talking do you think you can do this activity without side talk?