Contributions for this book have come from a variety of adult

literacies learners across West Dunbartonshire, with support from

West Dunbartonshire Council, Community Learning and

Development Adult Learning and Community Literacies Team.

Acknowledgements

To the editorial group who gave their time, skills and energy to

make this book a success – Agnes Donald, David Hamilton,

John Meikle, Margaret O’Driscoll and Kate Phillips. We would

also like to thank all of the storytellers for their stories, poems,

jokes and drawings.

With special thanks to the tutor and the volunteer tutors of

the Tuesday night Adult Literacies Group, Concord Centre,

Dumbarton, for all of their support and encouragement.

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this publication are those of the authors and do not

necessarily reflect those of Scottish Book Trust or Learning and Teaching Scotland.

Contents

An Apple a Day

Amnesia

Does Alcohol Improve the Taste of Food?

A Plook

Sobering Experience

Blood

Looking Cheerful

Looking at the Bright Side of Chemotherapy

A Fit of Coughing

Pool of Laughter

Missing Stitches

Kat’s Cartwheels

The Care Home

Health Poem

Germs in Hudgie

Killing with laughter

Laughter: The Best Medicine?

’Ears a Tale

2

3

4

6

7

8

10

11

12

14

15

18

22

23

24

25

26

28

An Apple a Day

When Sir Isaac Newton

Lying under a tree

Pondering over the sense of gravity,

An apple fell to his feet;

We all know apples are good to eat.

The humble apple has many uses

Especially its lovely juices

Make lovely apple pies.

That is a nice sight to hungry eyes.

The best apple of the day

Is the one to keep the doctor away.

Agnes D

2

Amnesia

A man goes to the doctor

“Name please?”

“Don’t know”

“What’s your problem?”

“Don’t know”

“How long have you had it?”

“Don’t know”

“What are the symptoms?”

“Don’t know”

The doctor goes quiet

“What’s wrong with me doctor?”

“Don’t know.”

Dennis Smillie

3

Does Alcohol Improve the Taste of Food?

It was a cold night and I was asked to pick up my Mum and Dad

from their friend’s house. As it was a Saturday night they were

having a small drink. Time was going on and it was getting late. I

was sitting in the living room and I was getting a bit hungry, so I

went out for something to eat. I jumped into the car and drove to

the nearest take-away to get some food. When I got back, I

started eating it but halfway through it did not taste good. I gave it

to the dog, and she ate a small bit before deciding she did not like

it either. I put the plate on the living room table and started to

watch TV. I was getting a bit sleepy when the phone rang. It was

my parents summoning me to pick them up.

I got myself together, and set off to my parents’ friend’s house to

get them. I spent some time, asked how everyone was and what

they’d been getting up to. Finally, we all got into the car and drove

home – somehow my father managed to fall asleep on the back

seat. I pulled into the driveway and got the bags out of the boot

as my parents opened the door to the house. As I followed them

into the living room, I could see my Mum was eating something. It

was the food I’d left on the table! I did not say anything, but the

next morning I was chatting to my Dad. I told him I’d tried the

4

5

food and so had the dog but both of us had decided it was pretty

revolting. I had put it on the table and forgot all about it in the

haste to pick them up. I didn’t have the heart to tell my Mum, but

my poor Dad did. The food she had eaten and enjoyed had been

rejected by both her son and the dog. Perhaps alcohol with food

does improve the taste? I also learnt if I see food on a table to

check if anyone (or thing) has tried it before.

David Hamilton

A Plook

At the age of sixteen or seventeen my hand started to give me a

bit of pain. By the third day it was sore and swollen, yellow pus

had appeared as well. Sitting holding my hand moaning to myself,

my dad passed and asked me if it was sore. “Yes” I said. “Let me

have a look.” So I put my hand over for my dad to have a look.

“Oh dear that looks ugly.” Next minute he squeezed my hand. The

pain was awful, the pus went over my face. My mother was

screaming, “my new wallpaper is ruined!” Dad sorted everything

out. After I got over the shock and the mess was tidied up, my

dad’s passing comment to me was, “that will stop you admiring

it.” Nothing like being cruel to be kind I thought.

AD

6

Sobering Experience

One day my cousin and I were walking home. We had to walk up

this large hill; it seemed to go on forever. We were only 10 years

of age then. On our way home we saw this body lying in a ditch.

Being curious we went to investigate. The man was lying flat on

his back not moving and his eye wide open. We looked at one

another with fright saying, “He’s dead.”

Well we ran up that hill as fast as our legs could go. We ran right

into the house screaming,“We found a dead man!”

We could hardly say what we wanted to because we were out of

breath. We kept saying, “We found a dead man.”

My dad went to see what all the trouble was. It felt ages for my dad

to get back. When he did he spoke to my mum. I heard them

talking, then they were giggling. I asked, “Was the man dead?”

My dad said that the man was not there anymore!

KP

7

Blood

Nurse Johnstone called my name to go into her office for a routine

check-up. Everything went well until she said, “Right! I have to

take a blood sample.”

“Oh no,” said I, “I hate this. I will just faint to get out of this.”

So down I went. When I came round the nurse said to me,

“Come back another day.”

AD

8

9

Looking Cheerful

Andrew, my nephew, called to tell me that his little boy of seven

wanted to look different from other boys at school. He wanted to

look cheerful. His dad, Andrew, was getting weary of his son

wanting to be different, so the wee fella decided to colour his hair

when his mum went out for the evening. So off they went and

bought a dye which cost seven pounds. The deed was done! They

both had a scream when his hair was dry, it was shocking pink!

So he was not at school for a few days until his hair was nearly

back to normal. Needless to say he did not want to be different

again! He will just have to be like everyone else at school.

Agnes Donald

10

Looking at the Bright Side of Chemotherapy

I know what it feels like, been there and got the T shirt. This is the

way I got through the treatment with the help of family and friends.

It may seem odd but it helps to look at the funny side of cancer.

At the Western Infirmary Hospital there is a place where cancer

sufferers can go for support, this place is called The Maggie

Centre. At The Maggie Centre they have a huge load of classes,

including showing you how to dress up with scarves and

bandanas for a night out, or for going somewhere special.

When your hair has all fallen out just think of all the money you are

saving on shampoo, conditioner and other hair products. Also,

you don’t have to sit with a hair dryer or a hot brush and tongs.

You will never have a bad hair day.

Carol McCullagh

11

A Fit of Coughing

Going out to the pictures was the norm at the time, or the

dancing. No bingo or gym. So taking our seats in the hall, at the

end of the row, we settled in to watch the film.

This was fine for a while until this chatterbox started at the back

of me, her mouth did not stop. Natter, natter. By this time she was

not only getting on my nerves, but also half the hall. People were

tutting and sighing. It was hard to concentrate on what was

happening in the film. Every scene that was happening, the mouth

at the back was telling us what was going on. I had enough and

asked her to be quiet or get out.

There was a kind of hush for a while, until I started to cough. Little

by little my cough got louder and louder. In the end I had to leave

to get a drink of water to calm my throat down. I returned to the

hall, with this witch sniggering to herself, and I was the one who

missed part of the film.

Second half started – she was quiet for the rest of the film. I

moved myself in the seat, I had forgotten on my knee was a box

of Maltesers, which was opened, of course. The box fell from my

12

knees. Being at the end of the row, they fell one by one down the

stairs. The hall was quiet by this point, everyone enjoying the

movie – all that could be heard was Maltesers falling down the

stairs. It went all quiet, then one little Malteser rolled all the way

down. It sounded like a cannon ball being released. I, by this time,

was a mess.

In future, when someone is giving a running commentary, let them

get on with it, as it all fell back on me asking her to be quiet or

leave the hall. I left that hall feeling like a fool and wreck, missed

half the film into the bargain. She had the last laugh, or words.

Ha! Ha!

Agnes Donald

13

Pool of Laughter

Helensburgh had an out-door swimming pool. It was the place to

go when you were younger. We went nearly three times a day in

the summer holidays. We had diving competitions and swimming

under the water races. We also met boys there. That was fun!

Though sometimes it wasn’t so funny. Like when I had to wear a

swimming cap. I was just out of hospital after an operation on my

ears, so had to wear a cap which was not a good look for the

boys! Especially when the swimming cap had big daisies all over it

and a strap that went under your chin. Not the best of looks.

KP

14

15

16

Missing Stitches

I split my pinkie on the edge of the door, it was pouring with blood

and I was shaking like a leaf. My daughter rushed me up to the

A&E at the hospital. The doctor came in dressed to the nines. He

had a look at my finger and says to me, “I am going to get a nurse

to help me.”

They both came back into the room – he rolled up his sleeves, the

nurse started to clean up my finger so she could start stitching. My

partner had gone a lovely shade of white. He left me to go outside.

There goes my hero! Ha! Nurse starts to inject my finger. I needed

five stitches. Every time the nurse went to put in a stitch she put her

glasses on top of her head. By the third stitch I asked her if she

could see what she was doing. “Yes” was the reply. When it was

over the nurse said to me, “Your finger will hurt for a day or two.”

“Oh crickey! Not looking forward to this.” Two days passed,

nothing happened. I was to go to my nurse in our practice to see

if everything was alright.

“Oh my!” she says “your finger has not healed.” The stitches had

not taken. My first reaction was I am not going through that again.

“Not to worry,” the nurse said, “I will dress it every second day.”

So it was a case of missing stitches. At least my finger healed.

AD

17

Kat’s Cartwheels

On a lovely sunny day, Kat, her husband and son went to the park

for a walk. Her husband and 10-year old son started to do

cartwheels. Kat, being Kat, said, “You call that cartwheels! I’ll

show you what a cartwheel is! This is how you do it.”

She started to show off until she pulled so many muscles in her

legs her husband and son had to carry her home. Have you ever

pulled a muscle? The pain of it!

They made sure they tied her jumper around her legs to keep them

tight together, because they were so sore. Can you picture it?

Her husband and young son struggled going up the stairs as they

lived in the top flat of a tenement, so going round corners was

really difficult and she was screaming in pain. Her husband said,

“It’s just a pity we don’t have a downstairs bath.” It is all so funny now.

MOD

18

19

20

21

22

The Care Home

Old Mary lived in the home.

She liked it there, she was never alone.

The only thing wrong, she was deaf as a bat.

She got hearing aids fitted.

Then she could hear the cat walking on the door mat.

She said to me, she was better off before.

Now for peace and quiet she has to shut the door.

Gerald

Health PoemDedicated to Nurse C Peacock, Nurse J Whitelaw and Trainee Nurse C Beck

I was 6ft 4 and full of muscles

Everyone thought that I was from Brussels

Then I dropped down to half an inch

And my mate next to me

Gave me a pinch.

I knew myself that I was not an elf

And I have always been in good health

Then I called for my good nurses three

And they checked me over

And said, “What ails thee?”

They said to me

“Your temperature is fine

Your blood pressure’s good

And to me you are well,

As well as your blood.

Now you can go and get the bus.

Don’t be making any fuss

Just get home and make the tea

And don’t you dare forget about me.”

Jason B

23

Germs in the Hudgie

Living in Glasgow many years ago, you made your own fun as there

was not a lot of toys about, or money to buy them. Climbing the

dykes was good fun, leaping from one to the other. Sometimes you

fell off and skinned your knees or whatever part hit the ground first.

As long as it was not too serious, you picked yourself up and started

again. You were dirty at this point, but who cared. It was fun! The best

of all was what we called a Hudgie. My favourite game was the bin

lorry. It had two steps at the back, so you could hold on. Then when

the lorry slowed down for the bin men to get to the next close, you

jumped off and waited till the men emptied the rubbish in the back of

the lorry. The germs, the germs, plenty of them! Sometimes you were

caught by the driver and he would shake you a bit, telling us not to

do it again, as it was dangerous. If we had slipped jumping off, we

could have been badly hurt. But that thought was never there. You

and your pals were too busy having a good time, having a hudgie!

Agnes Donald

24

Killing with Laughter

When I was a child there was a group of friends I used to pal

about with after school. We would get up to all sorts of tricks and

one of them was to ring the door bell and run away. We all got a

kick out of it! We could see the adult faces getting angrier and

angrier because we would hide behind the hedge, killing ourself

laughing. They knew who it was but we never got caught!

KP

25

Laughter: The Best Medicine?

My brother broke his collar bone falling off a tree swing. When he

came home from hospital my mum and dad said he needed to

rest. However, my other brother and I did everything possible to

make him laugh. When he laughed he would be in a lot of pain

because his shoulders would be going up and down with laughter!

KP

26

27

’Ears a tale

One morning I had an appointment to see Dr Thomas Jones.

I hoped he was related to Tom Jones, then he could sing to me to

ease my nerves. But he was no relation. The only singing I heard

were the tuning forks for my hearing test!

KP

28

This book was written by learners attending Dumbarton Concord

Centre Adult Literacies Tuesday Evening Group with contributions from

other groups too. We hope that learners attending literacies groups will

find it useful, and that our work will prompt a smile or a chuckle.