COMPLETE-CONFLICT RESOLUTION TRAINERS MANUAL.pdf

CONFLICT RESOLUTION

TRAINERS’ MANUAL

12 Skills

2nd edition

CONFLICT RESOLUTON NETWORK

Fiona Hollier Kerrie Murray

Helena Cornelius

Conflict Resolution

Trainers’ Manual

12 Skills

First published in Australia in 1993, Second edition published in Australia in 2008

by

The Conflict Resolution Network PO Box 1016

Chatswood NSW 2057 Australia

Ph+61 2 9419 8500 Fax +61 2 9413 1148 Email: [email protected] Web: www.crnhq.org

© 1993, 2008 The Conflict Resolution Network

ABN 88 000 823 450

In the interests of promoting the skills for a peaceful world, any part of this manual may be freely reproduced for participants, included in new training manuals, articles and books or adapted, without seeking our permission. However, acknowledgement of Conflict Resolution Network and its contact

details must be included with any content used.

Please let us know about the uses you have made of the material. That is our best reward.

Cataloguing Data

Hollier, Fiona. Conflict Resolution Trainers’ Manual: 12 Skills, 2nd edition.

ISBN 0 9587911 5 5

1. Conflict management. 2. Communication skills.

3. Teambuilding. 4. Relationships 5. Peace studies

I. Murray, Kerrie. II Cornelius, Helena. III. Title.

302.3

Written by Fiona Holier, Kerrie Murray and Helena Cornelius Typeset by David Smith and Julianne Wargren

Illustrated and designed by Susan Owen and Sonya Page-Smith

3

CONFLICT RESOLUTION

TRAINERS’ MANUAL

12 Skills

2nd edition

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Acknowledgements

This manual has been many years in the making. Conflict Resolution Network first started developing and collecting this material in 1986 as part of its core purpose to research, develop, teach and implement the theory and practice of Conflict Resolution and make the skills easily accessible world-wide.

This manual represents the collected wisdom of many great writers in the fields of management, psychology, personal development and education – many of whom are acknowledged in references throughout the manual.

It represents also the contributions of the thousands of participants as they have worked through the materials on CR courses.

We have been privileged to have the advice of many highly skilled trainers who have shown us better ways to conduct segments and offered us new teaching points and experiential exercises.

May we thank them all collectively and specially acknowledge:

Caroline Butler, Stella Cornelius, Thomas Crum, Shoshana Faire, Robyn Gaspari, Jan Grant, Christine James, Robert Kyosaki, Vanessa Lynne, Lis Moller, Jan Paton, Greg Tillett, Judy Walker, Stuart Walker and Julie Wells.

This second edition, directed by Helena Cornelius, represents countless hours of the most caring and dedicated work. David Smith, Estella Cornelius, Julianne Wargren and Nancy Shearer should be especially acknowledged in this process. All have held the vision of making a cost-free digital version for our website, which is up-to-date and fully accessible for students and trainers.

We expect this material to continue to evolve and welcome your comments, suggestions and ideas for updating in the future.

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Table of Contents

INTRODUCTION

I Running CR Courses

II Icebreakers and Energisers

III Understanding Conflict

THE TWELVE SKILLS OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION 1. The Win/Win Approach

2. Creative Response

3. Empathy

4. Appropriate Assertiveness

5. Co-operative Power

6. Managing Emotions

7. Willingness to Resolve

8. Mapping the Conflict

9. Designing Options

10. Negotiation

11. Mediation

12. Broadening perspectives

ADDITIONAL SKILLS AND APPLICATIONS

IV Aikido

V Bioenergetics

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Index

I Running Conflict Resolution Courses

Core Material:

A. Experiential Learning and CR I.2

B. Training Hints I.4

C. Ethical Considerations in Training I.5

D. Constructing Courses I.6

E. How to use the Conflict Resolution Manual – 12 Skills I.8

F. Acknowledging The Conflict Resolution Network I.11

G. A Practical Guide to Becoming a Trainer in Conflict Resolution Skills I.12

H. Bibliography, Recommended Reading and DVDs/Videos I.14

Handouts:

Section C: Course Evaluation H. I.20

II Icebreakers and Energisers

Core Material:

A. Icebreakers: Rationale II.2

B. Icebreakers: Method II.2

C. Energisers: Rationale II.2

D. Energisers: Method II.3

E. Variations II.3

Activities:

Outcomes Introduction A.II.1

Introductions A.II.3

Name Game A.II.4

“I’d like you all to meet…” A.II.5

Mindchatter A.II.6

Knots A.II.7

Group Story Telling A.II.8

E.S.P. A.II.9

Thunderstorm A.II.11

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Zip, Zap, Boing, Pop A.II.12

Rhythm, Rhyme and Association A.II.13

III Understanding Conflict

Core Material:

A. About Conflict III.2

B. Introductions and Setting Goals for the Course III.2

C. Recalling Personal Experience of Conflict III.3

D. Levels of Conflict III.4

E. The Tools of Conflict Resolution III.7

F. Conclusion 7

Handouts:

Section D: Levels of Conflict Exercise H.III.1

Levels of Conflict H.III.2

1. The Win/Win Approach

Core Material:

A. Stimulus Activity 1.2

B. How We Behave in Conflict 1.2

C. A Model for Understanding Behaviour in Conflict 1.3

D. The Principles of a Win/Win Approach 1.7

E. When Win/Win Seems Impossible 1.11

F. Concluding Comments 1.12

Activities:

The Handshake Exercise A.1.1

The Arm Wrestling Exercise A.1.3

Handouts:

Section C: Behaviours in Conflict H.1.1

Fight, Flight, Flow: Some Behaviours H.1.2

Section E: When Win/Win Seems Impossible H.1.3

Key Features of the Win/Win Approach H.1.4

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2. Creative Response

Core Material:


B. Exploring Our Responses to Conflict: React or Respond 2.2

C. Two Models for Approaching Conflict: Perfection and Discovery 2.4

D. Looking for the Positive in Conflict 2.6

E. An Action Program for Developing More Creative Responses to Conflict 2.7

Activities:

The Block Puzzle A.2.1

Handouts:

Section C: Perfection and Discovery Approaches H.2.1

3. Empathy

Core Material:

A. Exploring the Meaning of Empathy 3.3

B. Valuing Differences – the DISC Exercise 3.4

C. Introduction to Empathy Blockers 3.4

D. Detailed Look at Empathy Blockers 3.5

E. Concluding Discussion: Empathy Blockers 3.6

F. Introduction to Active Listening 3.7

G. Listening to Gain Information 3.9

H. Asking Questions 3.9

I. Listening to Give Affirmation 3.11

J. Listening When under Verbal Attack – to Deal with Another's Inflammation 3.14

K. Reflection on Listening 3.16

Activities:

The DISC Exercise A.3.1

Blocking Communication A.3.9

Experiencing Empathy Blockers A.3.10

Experiencing the Difference Between Empathy Blockers and Active Listening A.3.12

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Static A.3.14

Back-to-Back Drawing A.3.15

Shopping List A.3.17

Identifying Feelings and Responding A.3.19

Active Listening to Affirm A.3.20

Handouts:

Section B: Behavioural Style Questionnaire H.3.1

DISC Model H.3.2

Differences in Behavioural Style H.3.3

Section D: Empathy Blockers H.3.4

Section E: Create Empathy H.3.5

Section I: Identifying Feelings and Responding H.3.6

Active Listening... Some Helpful Hints H.3.7

Active Listening for Different Purposes H.3.8

Section K: Listen H.3.9

4. Appropriate Assertiveness

Core Material:

A. Distinguishing between Aggressive, Passive and Assertive Behaviour 4.3

B. Understanding our Responses to Conflict 4.4

C. Needs and Rights 4.5

D. "I" Statements 4.6

E. After an "I" Statement: Where to Next? 4.13

F. Additional Assertiveness Activities 4.15

Activities:

React or Respond A.4.1

Creating a Bill of Assertive Rights A.4.3

Formulating "I" Statements A.4.5

Experiencing the Difference between Aggressive and Assertive Styles A.4.7

Broken Record Technique A.4.9

Handouts:

Section A: Will you React or Respond? H.4.1

Fight, Flight, Flow H.4.2

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Section C: A Bill of Assertive Rights H.4.3

Section D: "I" Statements H.4.4

5. Co-operative Power

Core Material:


B. Introduction to Power 5.3

C. Power Bases 5.4

D. Power Game Relationships – Persecuting, Rescuing and Playing Victim Triangle 5.6

E. Discovery Circle 5.9

F. Personal Power 5.13

G. Transforming "I should'' to "I choose'' 5.14

H. Shifting Away from Demand Behaviour 5.20

I. Exploring Positive Outcomes from the Past 5.20

J. Dealing with Difficult Behaviours 5.20

K. Responding to Resistance from Others 5.22

L. Working with Powerful People 5.23

M. Concluding Comments 5.25

Activities:

Power Line-up A.5.1

Power Game Triangle and Discovery Circle A.5.3

Demand Behaviour A.5.9

Exploring Positive Outcomes from the Past A.5.12

Dealing with Difficult Behaviours A.5.14

Responding to Resistance from Others A.5.16

Developing Responses to Deal with Resistance from Others A.5.23

Handouts:

Section C: Manipulation and Influence H.5.1

Section D: Power Game Triangle H.5.2

Section E: Transforming the Power Game Triangle into the Discovery Circle H.5.3

Discovery Circle H.5.4

Section F: Ten Empowering Thoughts H.5.5

Section G: Transforming "I Should'' to "I Choose'' H.5.6

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Personal Power: I Should vs I Choose H.5.7

Section H Demand Behaviour – Power Over H.5.8

An Alternative to Demand Behaviour – Power With H.5.9

Section I: Exploring Positive Aspects from The Past H.5.10

Section J: Strategies to Deal with Difficult Behaviours H.5.11

Dealing With Difficult Behaviours H.5.12

Section K Responding to Resistance from Others H.5.13

6. Managing Emotions

Core Material:

A. Identifying Emotions and their Effects 6.3

B. Expressing Our Emotions 6.5

C. Handling Our Own Anger 6.8

D. Managing Our Emotions 6.8

E. Handling Difficult Emotions in Others 6.9

F. Concluding Discussion 6.10

Activities:

Exploring Our Emotional Responses to Conflict A.6.1

Focusing A.6.3

Handling Another Person's Inflammation A.6.6

Handouts:

Section A: How Do You Feel Today? H.6.1

Accepting Our Emotions H.6.2

Section B: Cycle of Emotion H.6.3

Section C: Handling Your Own Anger H.6.4

Section D: Exploring Our Response to Conflict H.6.5

Focusing on Conflict H.6.6

Section E: Handling Difficult Emotions in Others H.6.7

7. Willingness to Resolve

Core Material:

A. Exploring Our Unwillingness to Resolve 7.2

B. Projection 7.4

C. Resentment and Acknowledgement 7.8

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D. Forgiveness 7.11

E. Managing Unwillingness to Resolve in Others 7.12


Activities:

Desert Island Exercise A.7.1

Forgiveness Process A.7.4

Handouts:

Section B: Desert Island Exercise H.7.1

Projection and Shadow H.7.2

Section E: Managing Unwillingness to Resolve in Others H.7.3

8. Mapping Conflict

Core Material:

A. Introduction to Mapping 8.2

B. The Steps of Mapping 8.3

C. Reading a Map 8.7

D. When to Use Mapping 8.8

E. When it is Difficult to Identify the Issue 8.9

F. From Mapping to Generating Solutions 8.12

Activities:

Cluster Diagram A.8.1

Source Areas of Conflict A.8.4

Handouts:

Section B: Mapping H.8.1

How to Uncover Needs H.8.2

Section C: Reading Your Map H.8.3

Section E: Source Areas of Conflict H.8.4

9. Designing Options

Core Material:


B. Creating Options 9.2

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C. A Practice Session on Designing Options 9.3

D. Steps in Selecting Options 9.5

E. Acting on the Chosen Option 9.6


Activities:

Unleashing Creativity A.9.1

Handouts:

Section B: Designing Options H.9.1

10. Negotiation

Core Material:


B. Exploring the Concept of Negotiation 10.3

C. The Phases and Skills of a Negotiation 10.5

D. Responding to Resistance from Others 10.12

E. Opening a Negotiation 10.13

F. Using DISC to Understand Negotiation Styles 10.14

G. Responding to "Unfair" Tactics 10.16

H. Practising Negotiation 10.17

Activities:

Buying and Selling A.10.1

Opening a Negotiation A.10.5

Negotiation in Practice A.10.7

Handouts:

Section C: The Skills of Negotiation H.10.1

Section E: Thirty Second Opener H.10.2

Section F: DISC Negotiation Styles Worksheet H.10.3

Section G: Strategies for Responding to Unfair Tactics H.10.4

Responding to Unfair Tactics H.10.5

Section H: Negotiation: Preparation Phase H.10.6

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11. Mediation

Core Material:

A. Exploring the Meaning and Uses of Mediation 11.3

B. The Purposes of this Session 11.5

C. The Qualities of Mediators 11.5

D. Identifying the Stages and Skills in a Mediation 11.8

E. Applying Key Principles and Skills of Mediation to Everyday Conflicts 11.12

F. A Broader Perspective on Mediation 11.12

Activities:

Mirroring A.11.1

Establishing a Mediation A.11.3

The Stages and Skills of Mediation A.11.5

Handouts:

Section E: Mirroring H.11.1

The Third Party Mediator H.11.2

Mediation Skills H.11.3

Observations During a Mediation H.11.4

12. Broadening Perspectives

Core Material:

A. About Broadening Perspectives 12.2

B. Steps in Broadening Perspectives 12.5

C. Closing the Course and Acknowledgements 12.8

Activities:

Case Studies in Conflict A.12.1

Handouts:

Section A: The Skills of Conflict Resolution H.12.1

Case Study in Conflict H.12.3

Family Feud – Part 1 H.12.3

Family Feud – Part 2 H.12.4

The Split Up – Part 1 H.12.5

The Split Up – Part 2 H.12.6

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The New Manager – Part 1 H.12.7

The New Manager – Part 2 H.12.8

The Barking Dog – Part 1 H.12.9

The Barking Dog –Part 2' H.12.10

The Oval – Part 1 H.12.11

The Oval – Part 2 H.12.12

Professionals and Volunteers – Part 1 H.12.13

Professionals and Volunteers – Part 2 H.12.14

Workplace Bargaining – Part 1 H.12.15

Workplace Bargaining – Part 2 H.12.16

Section B: Intention/Commitment Sheet H.12.17

IV. Aikido

Core Material:

A. Introduction to AIKIDO IV.2

B. Aikido and its Relevance to CR IV.3

Activities:

Aikido Exercises A. IV.1

V. Bioenergetics

Core Material:

A. Experiencing Emotions in our Bodies V.2

B. An Introduction to Bioenergetics V.4

C. Bioenergetics in Context V.4

Activities:

Bioenergetics Exercises V.1

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Running Conflict Resolution Courses

Objectives: To familiarise trainers with the training principles underlying the material and the design of the manual.

To offer suggestions on how the material can be used effectively.

Sections: A. Experiential Learning and CR I.17

B. Training Hints I.19

C. Ethical Considerations in Training I.20

D. Constructing Courses I.21

E. How to use the Conflict Resolution Manual – 12 Skills I.23

F. Acknowledging The Conflict Resolution Network I.26

G. A Practical Guide to Becoming a Trainer in Conflict Resolution Skills I.27

H. Bibliography, Recommended Reading and DVDs/Videos I.29

Handouts: Section C Course Evaluation H.I.1

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Running Conflict Resolution Courses

A. Experiential Learning and CR

"I still remember the material covered in the Conflict Resolution course two years ago, and I keep using it every day." These are words trainers love to hear. CR trainers hear them frequently.

Learning means change. It means change in how we think and how we act. It involves altering our mental processes, expanding and adapting our repertoire of behaviours, and reviewing our habits. Using an interactive and experiential approach makes it much more likely that participants will consistently implement CR attitudes and skills in their workplace, community and personal lives.

Participants bring with them the ideas, intuitions, and behaviours they have spent a lifetime building. Trainers usually have only a brief time in which to encourage effective learning, and real and useful change. How is this best achieved?

Identify Participants' Current Views

Help participants to recognise and clarify their current ideas and behaviours, and assess the usefulness of these ideas in resolving conflicts in their lives.

This heightens their interest in learning effective alternative ideas and strategies.

Help Participants Construct Their Own Understanding s

Training isn't about just giving people a new set of ideas. The ideas have to fit into a framework of what they already know. You activate the framework by discussing their current views first of all and then help them make new links to the material you are presenting.

New meanings are not transferences by the trainer; they are transformations by the learner.

Be Aware of Participants' Level of Readiness to Lea rn

Participants in a course will be ready to learn if they are there voluntarily, and if they identify problems and their limitations in solving them. If participants are not yet "ready", it is not advisable to proceed too far. Instead, work on encouraging their commitment, identifying their needs, and getting them to recognise the weaknesses in their current ideas and behaviours.

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Use a Variety of Interactive Approaches

Learning occurs by engaging the participant actively in the process. Use lots of questions. Questions hook the mind. (They are bold in the text so the trainer can glance down to find them easily.)

Encourage a debate and discussion within the confines of your time limits. This will be most fruitful if your questions do not require the ''right" answer. Try to treat all answers as a contribution to the group's understanding. When people are assured that they won't be made ''wrong'' they are far more likely to contribute actively.

The attitude shifts and understandings you are working towards can usually be elicited from the group, by astute questioning. They are more likely to become part of the person's behavioural repertoire if they can say "I thought of that myself".

Always structure a session with some activities which require active participation. People need to talk and practise.

People love stories. Tell personal anecdotes that illustrate a point. Keep them short and relevant to the group's purpose. With the same provisos encourage participants to personalise the materials with their own stories.

Wherever possible, work on current conflicts experienced by participants. This heightens the significance of the example.

Active investigations and practical experiences are especially valuable because they engage participants in moving repeatedly between mental concepts and actual behaviours.

Be Precise

People also need to be reminded of what they have learnt and what they are about to learn. Use introductions, summaries, and blackboard key points to focus and reinforce learning. This manual will help you be precise about the teaching points you are getting across. Woolly thinking does not promote change. Sharp clarity does.

Use Language Appropriately

Ideas are made and shared using language. Where the vocabulary and syntax is precise and engaging (without being pedantic and over-blown), the ideas can more clearly be expressed, recognised and adapted to the uses of the participants.

Many CR words have distinctive meanings and usages, even though they also appear in common use. Draw attention to how these words are deliberately distinctive, or confusion and distortion will easily occur, e.g. the distinction between mediation and arbitration.

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B. Training Hints

Group Size

A group of 12–25 works well. Larger groups benefit from more activities and small groups discussions. Also consider two trainers for large groups.

Seating

Optimum seating arrangement is circular or semi-circular.

It is essential that chairs are movable so that participants can do the activities.

Flip chart/whiteboard/blackboard: Use a board, preferably with flip chart paper, to record key points and catch phrases as they emerge for visual reinforcement.

Coloured Pens

Ideally use a variety of coloured pens to distinguish headings and points, and make board notes visually interesting.

Methods

Use a range of training methods to provide variety and to suit the different ways that people like to learn e.g. large and small group discussion, role plays, simulations, completion of handouts, mini- lectures etc.

Handouts

Give out most handouts at the end of a session so that participants focus their attention on the discussion and developing their own ideas rather than on reading the handouts.

Bibliography for Training Presentation Techniques

Clarke, Jean Illsley Who, Me Lead a Group (USA: Parenting Press, 1998)

Hamer, Kerri Leading a Group (Sydney: Kerri Hamer, 1997)

Kroehmert, Gary Basic Training for Trainers (2nd Edition) (Australia, McGraw Hill Books Co, 1995)

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C. Ethical Considerations in Training

Conflict Resolution sessions involve both emotions and opinions, and so there are important obligations between trainer and participants, and amongst the participants. Some of these require attention during planning, and some arise during the interactions within the sessions themselves.

It is the responsibility of trainers to:

• explain the intentions and objectives at the start of the course, the sessions and the activities. It needs to be clear what the participants can expect.

• discuss the need for confidentiality as a protection and an encouragement to everyone's honest and free participation. Consensus needs to be reached as to the level and type of confidentiality everyone can abide by, before the course commences.

• ensure that the privacy of trainers and participants is respected. Activities and discussions need to allow people to expose only as much personal information as they wish.

• minimise the amount of time they and some participants use when monopolising or rambling . This reduces participants' energy and enthusiasm, distracts from the effective pursuit of the session's objectives, and wastes the group's resources.

• ensure that there is sufficient debriefing discussion time at the end of activities for participants to talk through what they felt. In this way, participants can leave the session cleared of the strong emotions activities often evoke.

• state clearly that participants have the freedom not to participate in an activity. It is usually helpful to encourage participants to push through minor reluctance, but strong discomfort needs to be respected.

• be aware of signs of emotional distress in any participant. A session should never be planned or executed for this to happen deliberately, and trainers need to watch for such signs so the activity or discussion can be diverted to minimise the person's hurt and allow them to recover. Trainers need to be ready to support these participants and refer them to appropriate competent support.

• be alert to (and, indeed, actively seek) feedback from participants. Sessions need to be adjusted to deal with emerging issues and needs, wherever appropriate. Courses also need to be evaluated formally by the participants as to the matter and manner of the course, and the performance of the trainer. See the handout: "Course Evaluation ''

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D. Constructing Courses

Applying These Skills

The skills in this manual are useful in the workplace and in personal life. In workplace settings, it is appropriate for the trainer to mostly use workplace examples. However, employers and training officers are recognising increasingly that wherever people learn skills to resolve their personal disputes, they increase workplace productivity. Both workplace and personal examples are suitable, then, as the skills are transferable.

Names For Courses

Market courses in conflict resolution under a variety of names such as:

The Skills of Conflict Resolution

Resolving Conflict Constructively

Creative Communication

Communicating for Success

Workplace Communication

Creative Problem Solving.

Include conflict resolution materials in courses such as:

Stress Management

Effective Parenting

Team Building

Grievance Handling

Change Management

Classroom Management

Leadership

Achieving Peak Performance.

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Needs Analysis

If participants are enrolling in an advertised course, obtain a clear picture of their needs and interests at the start of the course. This can be done when individuals introduce themselves in turn around the circle, or more formally by giving out a needs survey. If, instead, the course is being tailored to meet the specific needs of a group or organisation, send out a questionnaire designed particularly for the group or interview participants beforehand to ascertain their needs. Collating the results will help guide the trainer in ordering (and possibly selecting) the skills, activities and examples.

Skills Sequence

An understanding of what conflict is, the Win/Win Approach, and moving from reaction to response form the foundation for all the other skills.

Vary the sequence in which the skills are covered to suit the needs and interests of participants.

Course Duration

Sometimes a request is made for a seminar with a particular focus such as "managing emotions".

However, when the brief is ''...a course in conflict resolution", consider the following suggestions.

3 days: explore the key concepts of all the twelve skills, with numbers of activities to reinforce learning.

2 days: focus on nine or ten skills, possibly omitting negotiation and mediation.

1 day: consider Understanding Conflict, The Win/Win Approach, Empathy (listening skills), Appropriate Assertiveness ("I" statements), and Mapping.

½ day: explore the nature of conflict The Win/Win Approach, and one of the interaction skills, such as Assertiveness or Empathy.

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E. How to use the Conflict Resolution Manual – 12 Skills

Finding Content

Table of Contents: chapter titles.

Index: details of chapters including activities and handouts

Chapter Title Pages: objectives, essential background, session times, details of sections within the core material, activities and handouts.

Chapter Numbers

Chapters are identified, both with a written title and a number. Two number systems are used:

Standard Numerals: 1–12

Two Roman Numerals: I, II...

The standard numerals are to identify the chapters that cover the twelve skills of conflict resolution, and correspond to the order of presentation in some other materials produced by The Conflict Resolution Network.

The Roman numerals identify all other chapters. This chapter is the only chapter which does not contain training material.

Components of Each Chapter

In Chapters 1–12, there are three components:

Core material: this includes the key concepts of each skill, presented in a way that facilitates interaction between and amongst the participants and the trainer. It also includes activities which either:

• are simple to explain and do not interrupt the flow and sense of the main material; and/or,

are considered as essential to train participants in the core material.

Activities: this includes role plays, simulations, guided reflections, handouts and small group discussions. Within the core material, trainers are directed to the activity section, as in the example below:

Handling Another Person's Inflammation: a role play in which participants practise active listening skills (see Managing Emotions Activities A.6.6). (20 minutes)

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The activities are placed in the order that correspond to the order in which they arise in the core material.

Handouts: this includes all the handouts which are referred to in the core material and in the activities.

Instructions to distribute a handout appear in the text as in the example below:

Give out the handout: ''Discovery Circle ''

The handouts are placed in the same order as they appear in the core material and in the activities.

Timing

Timing for sessions will vary depending on the emphasis a trainer wishes to give to the material, and on the participants' needs and interests.

As a guide, approximate times are given throughout the manual.

On the title page of each chapter, session times are given. These include the time it would take to run each section including its accompanying activities.

Throughout the chapter, times for running a whole section are given in bold as in the example below:

E. Discovery Circle (1hour)

The (1 hour) includes the time it would take to cover the core material plus run the accompanying activity. Within each section the time it would take to run the activity component is also specified not bolded. So in Section E. Discovery Circle, the activity is listed as follows:

Power Game Triangle & Discovery Circle Game: Part 2 : participants do...etc (45 minutes)

At the beginning of each activity in the shaded area headed Trainers' Information Only, the time it will take to run that activity is also listed.

Page Numbering

Activities and Handouts have their page numbers prefixed by ''A'' and ''H'' respectively.

So, for example, within Chapter 1. The Win/Win Approach, pages appear as

Core material: 1.1 , 1.2, 1.3 etc

Activities: A.1.1, A.1.2, A.1.3 etc

Handouts: H.1.1, H.1.2, H.1.3 etc.

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Typefaces within the Text

Bold: a key point and/or needs special care with expression – perhaps say it verbatim. Questions to be posed by the trainer to the group are also written in bold

Italics: an instruction to trainers (not to be said directly to participants).

Section Separators

Trainers printing out the whole manual may choose to use two different colour papers for activities and handouts.

If you choose to buy a hard copy of the manual (see Resources on the website: www.crnhq.org) the various sections are printed on different papers with a plastic sleeve o handout masters for photocopying for participants is stowed at the back of the manual.

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F. Acknowledging The Conflict Resolution Network

The materials in this manual are the copyright of The Conflict Resolution Network. You may reproduce sections in your own training material provided our copyright notice appears. The document is available for download from our website in Microsoft Word to facilitate this process.

Any handout may be reproduced if the acknowledgement notice in the bottom border appears.

If a new handout is developed for a specific purpose, which is based substantially on a Conflict Resolution Network handout, these words should appear on the new handout:

Adapted from materials of The Conflict Resolution Network, PO Box 1016, Chatswood NSW 2057, Australia www.crnhq.org

As well, anyone who wishes to indicate their association with The Conflict Resolution Network and its teaching materials may do so by including the following acknowledgement in their written or spoken material:

This program includes content developed by The Conflict Resolution Network, a network of people with a common commitment to Conflict Resolution, co-operative communication strategies and related skills.

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G. A Practical Guide to Becoming a Trainer in Confl ict Resolution Skills

The Conflict Resolution Network receives many phone calls from people interested in becoming consultants and trainers in Conflict Resolution Skills. People are often uncertain how to go about it. Here is a step-by-step guide.

• Gain a thorough understanding of CR skills.

• Read the book Everyone Can Win (preferably the 2nd edition which is significantly updated) and the CRN Trainers' Manual.

• Master the participative and interactive methods used to teach CR, keeping lecture material short.

• Make the skills part of your own everyday language.

• Choose where you will first market yourself. If you have never taught before, one of the best ways of getting started is to form a small study group in your own home or workplace. Find around six people to come along each week to do study sessions together. Prepare well for each session. New trainers might put around eight hours of preparation into a two hour session. Try to do the preparation week by week. Starting with a concentrated two day workshop may require you to absorb too much material all at once.

• Evening colleges, university extension courses and Adult Education centres are also good starting places. Change the title of your course if other courses on the catalogue sound similar e.g. change to Psychology of Creative Communication, Assertiveness Training, or Communication Skills. (See also suggestions in Section D of this chapter.)

• Having your course listed does not guarantee an audience. Advertise with letterbox drops, notices at the local library, newsagents and local cafes. This will be greatly appreciated by the organisers.

• Once you have taught your first CR course, your confidence should grow. Participants usually give positive feedback, and the opportunities for in-depth discussions that arise from studying the materials can be extremely fulfilling. Negative feedback is a great opportunity for improving your skills.

• Promote a CR course in your areas of expertise e.g. computer training, education, or management. Make CR training an extra string to your bow.

• Design the course to meet the specific needs of your group. (See Section D of this chapter) For assistance contact:

CRN Information Centre Tel: 61 2 9419 8500. Email: [email protected]

28

• Work with another trainer, if possible, when you first start. There is a lot to plan and two heads are always better than one. Perhaps you plan to teach a CR course in your own organisation and would like to have an experienced CR trainer co-facilitate. Contact CRN.

• Join or create a training support group to network with other trainers.

CRN is very supportive of trainers moving into the field, but cannot find you the work. That's your task and, indeed, not one to be underestimated. A lot of your time will go into this.

Send us an email. CRN loves to hear about your successes and the challenges you face.

29

H. Bibliography, Recommended Reading and DVDs/Vide os

Books and other materials are listed in the skill area for which they are most appropriate. Many are also relevant in other skills areas.

Accompanying Text

Helena Cornelius and Shoshana Faire, Everyone Can Win 2nd edition. (Sydney: Simon & Schuster (Australia) P/L, 2006))

Throughout the manual this appears as Everyone Can Win.

Wherever a substantial CR course is covered, consider supplying all participants with a copy of the text, for long term recall and passing on skills to others. Available through CRN's website: www.crnhq.org

Advanced Reading

Cornelius, Helena The Gentle Revolution (Australia: Simon & Schuster, 1998)

This book explores clashes of values. Although relevant to all value clashes, it focuses on conflicts arising from differences in masculine and feminine perspectives. Many commonly found workplace values conflicts are dealt with. Available through CRN'S website: www.crnhq.org

General

ABC/CRN The Resolution of Conflict Audio Tapes (Australia: ABC/CRN, 1989)

CRN Conflict Kit (Australia: CRN, 1992)

CRN Conflict-Resolving Media Broadsheet (Australia: CRN, 1992)

CRN Fighting Fair: A Guide (Australia: CRN, 1989)

CRN CR Essentials Training Video/DVD (Australia: CRN, 1992)

AII CRN resources are available through its website : www.crnhq.org

30

Win/Win Approach

Judson, Stephanie A Manual on Nonviolence and Children (USA: New Society Publishers, 1984)

Luvmour, Sambhava & Josette Everyone Wins (Gabriola Island, BC, Canada: New Society Publishers, 1990)

Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, et al. Crucial Conversations (USA: McGraw-Hill, 2002)

Weinstein, Matt & Goodman, Joel Playfair (California USA: Impact Publishers, 1980)

Creative Response

Crum, Thomas F The Magic of Conflict (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1987)

De Bono, Edward The Five Day Course in Thinking (Harmondsworth: Penguin, 1968)

Gawain, Shakti Creative Visualisation (Toronto: Bantam, 1979)

Daniel Goleman Emotional Intelligence (New York: Bantam Books, 1995)

Empathy

Bolton, Robert People Skills (Sydney: Simon & Schuster, 1988)

Egan, Gerard The Skilled Helper (California: Books/cola, 1975)

Festinger, Leon A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance (USA: Tavistock Publications, 1959)

Mackay, Hugh Why Don’t People Listen? (Australia: William Morrow, 1994)

Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen, Difficult Conversations (UK: Penguin Books, 2000)

Appropriate Assertiveness

Back, Ken and Kate Assertiveness at Work (USA: McGraw-Hill,1982)

Bolton, Robert People Skills (Australia: Simon and Schuster, 1986)

Forgas, Joseph P Interpersonal Communication (Sydney: Pergamon Press, 1985)

31

Gordon, Thomas Parent Effectiveness Training (NY, Three Rivers Press, 2000)

Phelps, Stanlee The Assertive Woman (USA: Impact, 1987)

Senge, Peter M, Kleiner, Art, Roberts, Charlotte, et al. The Fifth Discipline Field Book (USA: Doubleday, 1994)

Willis, Liz & Daisley, Jenny Springboard (UK: Hawthorn, 1990)

Co-operative Power

Dinkmeyr, Don & McKay, Gary Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (Circle Pines, Minn: American Guidance Service, 1976)

Dreikurs, Rudolph & Solts, Vicki Children: The Challenge (NY: Hawthorn, 1964)

Fabry, Joseph B The Pursuit of Meaning (San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1968)

Harris, Thomas A I'm OK, You're OK (New York: Avon, 1973)

James, Muriel and Jongeward, Dorothy Born to Win (USA: Addison-Wesley,1996)

Robbins Anthony Unlimited Power (UK: Simon & Schuster, 1988)

Schulz, Will The Truth Option (USA: Ten Speed Press, 1984)

Managing Emotions

Biddulph, Shaaron & Steve The Making of Love (Sydney: Doubleday, 1988)

Rudolf Dreikurs and Vicki Soltz, Children: The Challenge (USA: Plume, paperback ed. 1991).

Fisher, Roger and Shapiro, Daniel Beyond Reason: Using Emotions As You Negotiate (London: Random House, 2005)

Gendlin, Eugene Focusing: How to Open up your Deeper Feelings and Intuition (USA: Rider & Co, 2003).

Jansen, David & Newman, Margaret Really Relating (Sydney: Random House, 1989)

Welwood, John Journey of the Heart (London: Mandala, 1990)

Henderson, Julie The Lover Within (USA: Barrytown, 1999)

Henderson, Julie How to Feel as Good as You Can in Spite of Everything (USA: 1995)

32

Willingness to Resolve

Campbell, Joseph (ed) The Portable Jung (New York: Penguin, 1971)

Dowrick, Stephanie Forgiveness and Other Acts of Love (Australia: Viking, 1997)

Dunne, Claire Carl Jung: Wounded Healer of the Soul (New York: Parabola, 2002)

O'Connor, Peter Understanding Jung (Melbourne: Mandarin, 1985)

Mapping the Conflict

Acland, Andrew Floyer Resolving Disputes Without Going To Court (Great Britain: Century, 1995)

Acland, Andrew Floyer A Sudden Outbreak of Common Sense (UK: Hutchinson, 1990)

Designing Options

de Bono, Edward Conflicts – A Better Way to Resolve Them (London: Penguin, 1986)

de Bono, Edward Lateral Thinking for Management (UK: Pelican, 1982)

de Bono, Edward Serious Creativity (UK: Harper Collins, 1992)

de Bono, Edward Six Thinking Hats ( USA: First Back Bay, 1999)

Fisher, Roger and Ury, William Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In (USA: Penguin, 1991),

Negotiation

Fisher, Roger and Brown, Scott Getting Together: Building Relationships As We Negotiate (Boston: Houghton/Mifflin, 1989).

Fisher, Roger & Ury, William Getting to Yes (London: Business Books, 1981)

Frank, Milo O. How to Get Your Point Across In 30 Seconds – or Less (UK: Corgi Books, 1987)

Kranitz, Martin A Getting Apart Together (USA: Impact Publishing, 1987)

33

Parker, Alan The Negotiator’s Toolkit A Practical Guide to Success in the Home, Office, Factory and Boardroom (Peak Performance Development, Sydney)

Stone, Douglas; Patten, Bruce; Heen, Sheila; and Fisher, Roger Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most (USA: Penguin, 1999)

Ury, William Getting Past No (UK: Business Books, 1991)

Mediation

Acland, Andrew Floyer A Sudden Outbreak of Common Sense (London: Hutchinson, 1990)

Acland, Andrew Floyer Resolving Disputes Without Going To Court (Great Britain: Century, 1995)

Auvine B et al. A Manual for Group Facilitators (USA: Center for Conflict Resolution, 1978)

Avery, M et al. Building United Judgement (USA: Center for Conflict Resolution, 1981)

Bush, Robert A Baruch and Folger, Joseph P The Promise of Mediation – Responding to Conflict Through Empowerment and Recognition, (San Francisco: Josey-Bass Inc., 1994)

Boulle, Laurance Mediation – Principles Process Practise (Australia: Butterworths, 1996)

Haynes, John M. Mediating Divorce (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 1989)

Charlton, Ruth and Dewdney, Micheline The Mediator’s Handbook (Australia: The Law Book Co., 1995)

Fighting Fair Poster (Sydney: CRN, 1988. See www.crnhq.org)

Meetings Procedures (Sydney: CRN, 1989. See www.crnhq.org)

Doyle: Michael & Straus, David How to Make Meetings Work (USA: Jove Books, 1976)

Moore, Christopher W The Mediation Process (USA: Jossey-Bass Publishers, 1986)

CR Essentials Training DVD/video (Sydney: CRN, 1992)

Winslade, John and Monk, Gerald Narrative Mediation – A New Approach to Conflict Resolution (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. 2000)

34

Broadening Perspectives

Curle, Adam Mystics & Militants (UK: Tavistock, 1972)

Curle, Adam Tools for Transformation (UK: Hawthorn, 1990)

Heifetz, Ronald A. Leadership Without Easy Answers (Massachusetts., Belknap Press,1994)

Schindler, Craig & Lapid, Gary The Great Turning (USA: Bear & Co, 1989)

Goleman, Daniel Emotional Intelligence (New York: Bantam Books, 1995)

Aikido

Crum, Thomas F Aiki Energiser Video (USA: Thomas F Crum)

Crum, Thomas F The Creative Resolution of Conflict (USA: Thomas F Crum, 1985)

Crum, Thomas F The Magic of Conflict (USA: Touchstone, 1987)

Hyams, Joe Zen in the Martial Arts (USA: Bantam Books, 1979)

Tohei, Koichi Ki in Daily Life (Japan: Ki No Kenkyu Kai, 2001)

Bioenergetics

Lowen, Alexander MD Bioenergetics (New York: Coward, McCann and Geoghegan, 1975)

Lowen, Alexander MD & Lowen, Leslie The Way to Vibrant Health – A Manual of Bioenergetic Exercises (USA: Harper Colophon Books, 1977).

No fee required to reproduce this page if this notice appears: © The Conflict Resolution Network PO Box 1016 Chatswood NSW 2057 Australia

Ph. 61 2 9419 8500 Fax 61 2 9413 1148 Email: [email protected] Web: www.crnhq.org

II.1

Course Evaluation

1. My major aims or outcomes for doing this course were: ___________________ _________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________ 2. In what ways did the course meet these? _______________________________ _________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________ 3. In what ways did the course not meet these? ____________________________ _________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________ 4. Things I consider the leader/s did well were: _____________________________ _________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________ 5. What things would you have preferred to be done differently regarding the course and course leader? __________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________ 6. Other comments and suggestions: ____________________________________ _________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________ 7. How would you rate the course overall?

(Tick one)

□ Excellent □ Very good □ Good □ Satisfactory □ Unsatisfactory Name (optional): ____________________________________________________

Thank you.



II.2

Icebreakers and Energisers

Objectives: To help participants feel comfortable with the sessions, with the trainer, and with each other.

To focus participants' attention.

To stimulate participants’ level of energy and enthusiasm

Sections: A. Icebreakers: Rationale II.3

B. Icebreakers: Method II.3

C. Energisers: Rationale II.3

D. Energisers: Method II.4

E. Variations II.4

Activities: Outcomes Introduction A.II.5

Introductions A.II.7

Name Game A.II.8

“I’d like you all to meet…” A.II.9

Mindchatter A.II.10

Knots A.II.11

Group Story Telling A.II.12

E.S.P. A.II.13

Thunderstorm A.II.15

Zip, Zap, Boing, Pop A.II.16

Rhythm, Rhyme and Association A.II.17



II.3

Icebreakers and Energisers

I. Icebreakers: Rationale

There needs to be an introduction whenever people gather to work on something. It helps participants become familiar with each other, with the trainer, and with their surroundings. It also helps the trainer to establish a tone for the session.

Participants often need help focusing their attention; they may have had a busy day, have concerns at home, rushed through traffic to come to the session etc.

J. Icebreakers: Method

By their nature, icebreakers are useful at the start of each session.

They need to be straightforward and uncomplicated without being trivial. They need adequate time, but not be allowed to drag or outlive their usefulness. Overdone, they can reduce the empathy between the trainer and some participants.

Once a group has already met for a few sessions, the group-building role may become less important, and icebreakers can be briefer, especially if the group has already done the particular icebreaker chosen for this session. (Some groups are happy to adopt one or a couple of icebreakers as the way they always start sessions.)

Conversely, a group which is having difficulties working together may benefit from having an extended time on certain icebreakers.

Many icebreakers can actually lead into the theme of the session. For example, Knots can lead into an introductory session or it can preface a session on the Win/Win Approach or Co-operative Power.

In short, they are a valuable part of a session, and need to be chosen and run as appropriate to the group, the tone and content of the session, and for the style and skills of the particular trainer.

K. Energisers: Rationale

Sometimes, at the beginning or during a session, participants may feel drained of energy and unable to concentrate. An activity which invigorates them is called an ''Energiser''. Energisers are usually fairly briefs and are often zany and fun, rather than intellectual and ''relevant''.

Energisers also help to punctuate lengthy sessions, especially if the material is more didactic and less interactive. They may provide a structured break if the session is about to move to new material or take quite a different direction.



II.4

L. Energisers: Method

In some circumstances, energisers may be needed at the start of every session, and can be combined with an icebreaker. They can, however, be scheduled at any point during a session, though not usually towards the end. Trainers need to be constantly aware of the mood of the participants, and it is always better to stop for an unscheduled energiser, or a cup of coffee, rather than forging on ahead dragging tired and increasingly unreceptive participants behind.

M. Variations

Trainers can add interest and spice even to the most commonly used icebreakers and energisers by inventing individual ways of running certain steps in the processes. For example instead of letting participants find their own way into pairs the trainer could hold metre-long pieces of string. Each participant grabs one end, and then people have to untangle the string to find out who are their partners.

Alternatively, they may have to find who matches the coloured spots given to them at random, or they may be asked to pair up with the person closest to them in height. Icebreakers and energisers lend themselves to experimentation and creativity. Have fun!



Understanding Conflict III.5

Icebreakers and Energisers Activities

Outcomes Introduction

Trainers’ Information Only

Context: At the beginning of a workshop, this activity helps people to clarify and focus on the outcomes they want from the course or session. It also helps them to become acquainted with each other.

Time: 15 minutes

Aim: To clarify and express explicitly the outcomes that participants want from the course or session.

To help participants become acquainted.

Instructions: We are going to clarify for ourselves what we want from this course, and then share it with each other. Think about some outcomes you would like from the course. Write them down. Try to have at least four outcomes. (Perhaps ask them to imagine that it is the end of the course and they have learnt or achieved just what they want. What is it?)

Now, move about introducing yourself to people you do not know, sharing these:

• your name

• your occupation

• an outcome from your list, a different one to each person you meet

• a long term goal in life.

You may copy someone else's outcome if it appeals to you, or if you run out of your own. After just a little while with one person, move on to another.

When participants have each met about four other participants, call the group together.

VARIATION

Delete the process of introductions to one another and concentrate on reflecting on the desired outcomes.

Perhaps lead them through a guided reflection, as follows:




Relax for a moment. Sit comfortably, perhaps with your eyes closed. If anything comes into your mind, accept it and then let it drift away. Imagine you are just at the end of this course, and you are walking out, satisfied with what you have received from it.

What is it that you are pleased about?

What is it that the course has given you?

Discussion: What are some of the outcomes you discussed?

Write up the answers, stopping after a reasonable sampling of the group.

Does anyone have something you really feel you want to add?





Introductions


Context: This activity introduces participants within a group.

Time: 10 minutes

Aim: To introduce participants to each other. (The trainer can be included.)

Instructions: We are going to spend some time getting to know each other.

Arrange yourselves into two concentric circles. Each person in one circle should be facing one person in the other circle.

I will specify a topic, and then you have 2 minutes to discuss it before you move on to a new partner and a new topic.

After 2 minutes, ask the people in the outside circle (only) to move one person to the left, and then announce the topic for the next 2 minutes.

As appropriate, include some topics relevant to the group, such as the following:

• a person you would most like to meet

• a favourite pastime

• one thing you would love not to have to do any more, and what you would do instead

• the most hilarious/exhilarating/ embarrassing time you ever had.

• if you could use any mode of transport what you would choose.

• how you handle conflict.

• how you would prefer to handle conflict.





Name Game


Context: This activity helps people get to know each other if they are unfamiliar with each other, and is useful if they will be meeting long enough together to make learning each other’s name worthwhile.

Time: 10 minutes

Aim: To help participants and trainer learn each other’s first name.

Instructions: We are going to spend some time learning each other's first name.

Arrange yourselves into a circle. Think of a word that begins with the same letter or sound as your first name (e.g. Friendly Fay, Careful Casey, Hectic Helen).

The first person starts by saying the word to match his/her name (e.g. friendly Fay''). The next person repeats what the first person said, and then adds his/her own word and name ("Friendly Fay, Careful Casey"). This continues around the circle, so the sixth person may say something like: "Friendly Fay, Careful Casey, Hectic Helen, Daggy David, Perfect Pat, Mighty Michael".

VARIATION

The first word could be chosen by an alternative rule. For example, it could be the name of an animal that starts with the same letter, it could describe the person, or the person's job, or mood that morning etc.





“I’d like you all to meet…”


Context: This activity introduces participants within a group. It could be useful to reinforce or introduce active listening.

Time: 15 minutes plus 2 minutes per person to introduce each other.

Aim: To introduce participants to each other. (The trainer can be included.)

Instructions : We are going to spend some time learning each other's name and a little about each other. Separate into pairs, preferably with someone you do not know. We could call you Person A and Person B. Person A will introduce Person B to the group and vice versa.

Person A will have 5 minutes to get to know person B, and then there will be 5 minutes for person B to get to know person A. I suggest you focus on some of the following aspects of the person you will be introducing:

• Name

• Where the person works, his/her main activity, his/her role in the organisation

• Major interest or pastime

• What the person hopes to get out of this course.

Select appropriately from this list, or include themes special to the group.

Discussion: Did anyone find it easier to introduce someone else, rather than yourself? How did you go, trying to remember the details? Did anything make it easier?

Did open-ended questions encourage people to tell more about themselves? Were there any examples of misunderstandings, which were clarified using questions to check?





Mindchatter


Context: The inner “voice” chattering in our minds strongly affects our behaviour in a situation. It can be a powerful tool for centreing, or a powerful distraction.

Time: 5 minutes

Aim: To recognise and acknowledge mindchatter.

To practise controlling mindchatter, using it to clear and relax participants’ minds at the start of a session.

Materials: Pens, paper, small rubbish bin.

Instructions: When we start a new activity, we are often distracted by something on our mind. It may be something that happened today, something imminent, something we must remember to do, or other important personal matters. Our minds tend to chatter about this and distract us.

This activity controls this "mindchatter'' and focuses our attention.

Take about 3 minutes to write down any mindchatter you are experiencing at present. If it includes anything you must do, write it at the top of the page. If it is "nuisance" chatter, write it at the bottom of the page.

When it is complete, tear the top ("must do") from the bottom ("nuisance") Put away the ''must do'' list in your bag safely, and the "nuisance" section you can screw up and gleefully throw in the bin.

Now you should have a clearer, more relaxed mind to start the session.





Knots


Context: Used with an introductory session, this activity reflects conflict being unravelled, and people working together.

For a session on Win/Win, this activity shows the value of co-operative effort in reaching an outcome in which everyone wins.

For Co-operative Power, it involves people working together and sharing leadership roles to enhance problem-solving.

Time: 10 minutes

Aim: To provide a fun, informal and invigorating introduction, especially for sessions as described in “Context”.

Instructions: (If there are more than a dozen participants, it may be valuable to separate them into groups, preferably between 6 and 12 in size.)

We are going to spend some time loosening up, raising our energy and working together. Stand in a circle, facing inwards. Everyone close your eyes, put your hands into the middle and join hands with two other people. Now, everyone open your eyes to see a tangle of hands. Without letting go of anyone's hands, let's unravel the "knot".

We will be stepping over or under each other's arms, bending down, stretching up and twisting around.

The game ends when everyone has unravelled into a circle, holding hands. Sometimes there is more than one circle at the end.

If the unravelling is taking a very long time, the trainer can unlink one set of hands and the group unravels into a line instead.

Discussion: (It may be more appropriate to go directly on to the session for which this is forming an introduction omitting the discussion.)

How did you do it?

How did you feel at the start, and while it was happening?

Was there co-operation or competition? Did everyone "benefit" from the outcome?

Who led the process? Did the leader's role shift? What caused those shifts?





Group Story Telling


Context: This activity builds cohesion in a group, especially where the group has met before. It gets everyone to speak, and so may be useful where some participants are reluctant or overpowered by others. It encourages listening to each other and spontaneity, and it is light-hearted.

Time: 10 minutes

Aims: To build cohesion within a group.

To encourage or allow everyone to participate.

To encourage listening.

To establish a relaxed atmosphere.

Instructions: We are going to spend some time working as a group to create something. It is a chance for us to relax together, as well as to build an effective team for the work we have ahead of us. The particular "something'' we are going to create is a story. This will enable us all to have a say, make an input and contribute. I do not yet know what the story is about, or how it ends. Will someone please suggest a theme?

You may need to ask particular person or selection of people for an idea. You may like to ask specifically for, say, an object, a place, or an emotion. Or the theme of the story could be chosen in some way which is relevant to the group.

Who would like to start our story? You will speak for about 20 or 30 seconds, telling the first part of the story. The next person will then pick it up and tell us what happened then, for the next 20 or 30 seconds. We will keep going around the group until we have all had a go. The lucky last person will have to make up the ending.

If the group is very large, you may wish to break it into groups of about six.





E.S.P.


Context: Sometimes, people locked in conflict expect others to be able to know what the problem is, or what they need, without actually telling them. They expect people to be mind-readers. People often have a cautious interest in whether E.S.P. exists. This can be utilised to invigorate participants and to increase the coherence of the group, even if they are fairly new to each other.

Time: 10 minutes

Aims: To investigate the reliability of E.S.P., especially as it relates to “telling people how a conflict situation is for me”.

To invigorate participants and heighten their attention.

To build cohesion within the group.

Instructions: We often expect people to know what is wrong, or what we need, before we actually tell them. It is like we are expecting them to "read our minds". Let's explore how well we communicate using E.S.P. This will be a chance to try out this puzzling phenomenon, and we can just have some fun together. Divide into groups of 3. Stand so you are all looking away from each other.

One of you, decide on a pose or posture, and move into that posture. Remember not to sneak a peak at what each other is doing! When you are in your posture, concentrate on communicating it by E.S.P. to the other two people in your group.

The rest of you have to try to "hear" what the other person is communicating to you. Try to match their posture.

When I say so (and not before), turn around holding your pose, to see how close you were. Then, we will do it again to find out whether we are better at receiving or sending messages.

Run this so each person gets a turn, giving each round a couple of minutes.

VARIATION

Perhaps specify that the poses or postures must represent an emotion, an animal etc. appropriate for the group.




Discussion: Who was able to match someone else's pose?

How much consensus were we able to achieve by trying to read each other's minds?

What alternatives are more reliable than E.S.P.?





Thunderstorm


Context: When a group is comfortable with being together, it is often interesting and fun to do something very novel together, especially if it uses our senses rather than our intellectual powers. This can be very absorbing, bringing our attention to where we are now.

Time: 10 minutes

Aims: To invigorate a group, providing participants with a short, novel experience.

To focus participants’ attention.

To increase cohesion within the group.

Instructions: We are going to do something very unusual, which will help focus our attention and get us ready for the session. Arrange yourselves around me in a horseshoe pattern.

A large group may have people two or three deep around the horseshoe.

We are going to make an orchestrated thunderstorm. I will be the conductor, and I will communicate to you through eye contact. When I look at you and your part of the group, you make the sound I am making at the time. You then keep making that sound until I look at you again, making a new sound. As well, I will let you know that I want the sound to be louder by lifting and spreading my arms this way (demonstrate), or that I want it to be softer by lowering and pulling my arms in towards me like this. (Demonstrate.) After a while, I'll indicate to you and your part of the group to stop making the sound as the thunderstorm ends.

Move your gaze slowly around the horseshoe, demonstrating the following sounds in the order listed, and encouraging people to join in: sshhhh, clicking fingers, slapping thighs, stamping feet. Start a new sound on each 360 degree visual sweep. Make the sounds quietly at first, for the start of the thunderstorm, and then make them louder for the thunder. After a short time, gradually let the thunderstorm lessen, taking them back on each sweep to the quieter sound of slapping thighs, then clicking fingers, and sshhh. Indicate a stop, and listen to the silence for a moment.





Zip, Zap, Boing, Pop


Context: When a group is comfortable with being together, it is often interesting and fun to do something very novel together, especially if it uses our senses rather than our intellectual powers. This can be very absorbing, bringing our attention to where we are now.

Time: 10 minutes

Aims: To invigorate participants and to focus their attention.

To show the value of being attentive and clear when communicating with others.

Instructions: We are going to give ourselves some energy for the session ahead, and at the same time practise being attentive and clear in our communications with others.

Stand in a circle, facing inwards. We are going to pass around an imaginary parcel, using four sounds. If we say "zip" and turn our heads to the left, we are passing it to the left like this.

Demonstrate after each sound is described.

If we want to pass it to the right instead, we say ''zap", and turn our heads to the right. If we say ''boing", it changes direction and goes back the way it came, the new person saying either, "zip" if it's going to the left or, "zap" if it's going to the right. We can throw it across the circle to anyone we choose using ''pop''. If you are "popping" it to someone, you have to make clear eye contact so that the person knows it is his/her turn.

Progress may be slow at first, as participants gradually get used to the four possible sounds. It may be useful to introduce the sounds one at a time, rather than all at once at the start.

This activity can be used at the start of or during several sessions, and can become something of a favourite for some groups.





Rhythm, Rhyme and Association


Context: This activity works best with a group that has already worked together. It invigorates participants and shows the importance of attentive listening and responding appropriately to what is said to us.

Time: 10 minutes

Aims: To invigorate participants and to focus their attention.

To practise listening attentively and responding appropriately.

Instructions: We are going to practise listening accurately to what is said to us and responding appropriately. It is also a bit of fun, so when we have finished, we will be full of energy for the session ahead.

Arrange yourselves in a circle, looking inwards. We are going to set up a rhythm that goes like this: first we clap our hands once on our knees, then we clap them once together, then we point into the centre using the index fingers of both hands. (Demonstrate this and practise it.)

Now we will build just one more step onto what we can do already. When we are all pointing into the centre, I will say a word like ''frog". We keep up the rhythm, and when we point next time, the person on my left says a word either rhyming with ''frog", perhaps "log", or it could be a word that has something to do with ''frog", like "green". We keep going around the circle, with the next person on the left saying a new word every time we point. You can accept an idea from someone else if you get stuck, but try to keep up the rhythm.

Here is an example of how the word string might develop:

• Frog

• Green

• Branch

• Bank

• Tank

• Plank

• Floor

• House...




VARIATION

First, we clap our hands once on our knees, then we clap them once together. Then we click the fingers of our right hand, followed by clicking the fingers of our left hand. (Demonstrate this and practise it.)

Now we will build just one more step into what we can do already.

When I click my right fingers I will say a word like ''frog''. When I click my left fingers I will say a word that rhymes with frog, like "log" or a word that is associated with frog, like ''green". Then we repeat the rhythm, with the person on my left repeating the last word that was said like ''green'' when he/she clicks his/her right fingers, and adding a new word when he/she clicks his/her left fingers, and so on around the circle.

Finish after about three rounds.

Understanding Conflict

Objectives: To realise that conflict is all around us; and that avoiding it is impossible and undesirable.

To learn how to identify the clues of conflict.

Session Times: 2 hours Sections A–F

½ hour Abbreviate Sections A–D

Sections: A. About Conflict III.19

B. Introductions and Setting Goals for the Course III.19

C. Recalling Personal Experience of Conflict III.20

D. Levels of Conflict III.21

E. The Tools of Conflict Resolution III.24

F. Conclusion III.24

Handouts: Section D: Levels of Conflict Exercise H.III.25

Levels of Conflict H.III.26




Understanding Conflict

Look for Clues to Conflict

N. About Conflict

(10 minutes)

Question: Who in the room has ever had a conflict?

Raise your own hand, to indicate that's what you want participants to do.

Who hasn't?

Who would like to have handled at least one of thos e conflicts in a different way?

Conflict is all around us. It's not something we can choose to have or not have. It just is.

It may centre on something as seemingly trivial as who leaves their dirty teacups in the sink, where to go for Christmas lunch, or whether to buy a new piece of equipment for work; or it may be more complicated, such as how much forest will be logged, what national defence strategies we should adopt or who will get social security payments.

This course is not about avoiding conflict. Avoiding is not only impossible but undesirable!

This course is about discovering productive ways of handling conflict – ways that make a difference in all areas of our lives – with work colleagues, friends, spouses, children, salespeople, doctors and bosses.

O. Introductions and Setting Goals for the Course

(30 minutes)

This may be an appropriate point for trainers to introduce themselves giving a brief account of their background experience etc. As well, information can be given about breaks, facilities etc. This could be followed by participant introductions and by discussion of personal and group goals for the course. (See Chapter II: Icebreakers and Energisers.)




P. Recalling Personal Experience of Conflict

(20 minutes)

Question: Conflict – what does that cover? What does it mean to you?

Ask participants to write down their responses and then share them with the entire group. Draw attention to the different associations to conflict participants make. Some will describe conflicts as fight, disagreement, war. Others may identify causes e.g. difference of opinion or perspective, difference in personality. Others may note the feeling it engenders e.g. tension, anxiety stress.

Question: Think of a conflict which has been handled in a des tructive way. What are some of the outcomes in such a case?

Discussion: Draw out participants' responses and write them on the board. In addition, you might consider:

• tension

• unresolved problems

• stress

• low productivity

• sour relationships

• time off – ''sickies”

• ill health

• anxiety

• resentment etc.

Question: Think of a conflict which has been handled construc tively. What are some of the outcomes in such a case?

Discussion: Draw out participants' responses and write them on the board. In addition, you might consider:

• relaxation

• openness

• high productivity

• expanding friendly relationships

• vitality

• good health

• empowerment

• a sense of achievement.




We've all had experience of conflict being handled constructively and destructively. The outcomes of conflict handled constructively are so much more attractive, it's a wonder we ever settle for less!

Q. Levels of Conflict

(40 minutes)

How do we know there's a conflict happening? There may be some very obvious signs which we can easily recognise, or there may only be a few subtle clues. It is this range that we're going to explore now.

If emotions are running very high, if the conflict seems extremely complex, chances are it has reached crisis stage.

Draw a curve on the board and write the word ''crisis''.

Question: What's "crisis'' like?

Discussion: Draw out participants' responses. You might add extra examples, such as:

• screaming

• throwing china

• not talking

• divorce

• leaving a job.

These clues are obvious – there is unresolved conflict.

Often, if we're on the look out we can see conflict brewing well before it reaches crisis. If we stay alert for conflict in its early stages, it is a lot easier to manage.

CRISIS




For instance, think of that niggling or ''gut'' feeling that things just aren't right? We could call that discomfort.

Add ''discomfort" to the curve.

Introduce the idea of ''incident", "misunderstanding" and ''tension'', adding to the curve as each one is raised. (See the questions below.)

Has something minor happened which has left you upset or irritated? Has there been an incident which suggests that something is wrong?

Are the details of a situation unclear? Has there been a misunderstanding about motives or intent?

Are you feeling anxious about your relationship with the other person? Are you at the point of one more nudge and then you'll explode/resign/ give him/her a piece of your mind? Does each subsequent experience with the person confirm your negative attitude towards him/her? Are you feeling a high level of tension in your relationship?

Look for clues to conflict at discomfort or incident level. Dealing with conflict at these levels rather than at crisis , when emotions run high, gives a greater chance of a constructive rather than a destructive outcome. Our response to the discomfort may be to ''stay alert'' and choose an appropriate time, opportunity or option to tackle the issue.

CRISIS

DISCOMFORT




Add to your chart the words "stay alert":

Group Activity: Levels of Conflict: participants complete a handout to identify the level of a current conflict, and then discuss their responses in pairs. (See below for details.) (15 minutes)

Give out the handout: “Levels of Conflict Exercise”.

Question: Think of a current or recent conflict. Can you iden tify what level it has reached?

Discussion: Ask participants to write their responses on the handout and complete the appropriate questions.

Allow 2 minutes.

Question: Can you trace the development of the conflict, by i dentifying clues at earlier levels?

Allow 3–5 minutes.

Ask participants to talk with a partner about anything significant in that process.

Allow 2 minutes each way.

Important Points to Cover:

Look for the early clues to conflict. Stay alert, ready to act, if and when appropriate.

Greet conflict in a positive way, ready to learn something new or improve the relationship.

Identify the level of conflict as this may help us choose an appropriate strategy.

Give out the handout: “Levels of Conflict”.

CRISIS

MISUNDERTANDING

DISCOMFORT

INCIDENT

TENSION

STAY ALERT




R. The Tools of Conflict Resolution

(15 minutes)

In this course, we will cover a range of skills for dealing with conflict. These skills are like tools; we pull one or more out of the kit to suit a particular conflict. The rest sit in the kit ready to be used in another context.

Just as a tool can be used in many situations, so too can these skills. We can use the same skill dealing with our young children, as we might with a colleague at work.

Give an overview of the skills that will be covered in the course.

S. Conclusion

(10 minutes)

If the session is finishing at this point it may be valuable to conclude with a positive idea about greeting conflict.

What we are aiming for is an attitude which says:

Write on the board:

AH, CONFLICT!

WHAT AN OPPORTUNITY!

(See Creative Response Section D)



The Win/Win Approach 1.25

Levels of Conflict Exercise

Choose a recent conflict involving you. It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis.

What is it? (e.g.: “The problem with Helen and the photocopier") _____________________

Discomfort Are you mulling over the situation because it is not sitting quite right with you? _______________________________________

What are your feelings/thoughts about it? __________________

So far, have you said quite little about it? __________________

Incident Can you point to one or several specific occasions in which you clashed on this subject? _______________________________

What was said that was upsetting? _______________________

Misunderstanding Do you believe the other person has misinterpreted your feelings, motives or responsibilities? How? _________________

___________________________________________________

___________________________________________________

Could you be misinterpreting the other person's? How? _______

___________________________________________________

___________________________________________________

Tension Do you now hold a negative stance towards this person? _____

Does each new interaction confirm your poor opinion of him/her? In what ways?

___________________________________________________

___________________________________________________

Crisis Has a major explosion occurred? ________________________

Were extreme measures threatened? What? _______________

___________________________________________________

___________________________________________________

Were extreme measures executed? What? ________________

___________________________________________________

___________________________________________________

Was the outcome constructive or destructive? In what ways? __

___________________________________________________




Levels of Conflict

Discomforts

Incidents

Misunderstandings

Tension

Crisis

Perhaps nothing is said yet. Things don't feel right. It may be

difficult to identify what the problem is. Do you feel uncomfortable about a situation, but not quite sure why?

Here a short, sharp exchange occurs without any lasting internal

reaction. Has something occurred between you and someone else that has left you upset, irritated or

with a result you didn't want?

Here motives and facts are often confused or misperceived. Do

your thoughts keep returning frequently to the problem?

Here relationships are weighed down by negative attitudes and

fixed opinions. Has the way you feel about and regard the other person significantly changed for

the worse? Is the relationship a source of constant worry and concern?

Behaviour is affected, normal functioning becomes difficult, extreme

gestures are contemplated or executed. Are you dealing with a major event like a possible rupture in a

relationship, leaving a job, violence?




The Win/Win Approach

Objectives: To consider types of behaviour we use to resolve conflict.

To understand the principles and the value of a win/win approach.

Session Times: 2 hours: Sections A–E

1 hour: Sections Abbreviated A–D

Sections: A. Stimulus Activity 1.28

B. How We Behave in Conflict 1.28

C. A Model for Understanding Behaviour in Conflict 1.29

D. The Principles of a Win/Win Approach 1.33

E. When Win/Win Seems Impossible 1.37


Activities: The Handshake Exercise A.1.1

The Arm Wrestling Exercise A.1.3

Handouts: Section C: Behaviours in Conflict H.1.1

Fight, Flight, Flow: Some Behaviours H.1.2

Section E: When Win/Win Seems Impossible H.1.1

Key Features of the Win/Win Approach H.1.2




The Win/Win Approach

Wanting What's Fair for Everyone

T. Stimulus Activity (10 minutes)

Choose one of the two activities below to highlight ways we frequently approach conflict.

The Handshake Exercise: participants aim to win as many points as they can by placing two hands on one person's hip. (See The Win/Win Approach Activities.) (5 minutes)

The Arm Wrestling Exercise: participants make three wishes, one of which they are to regard as granted, each time the arms are down. (See The Win/Win Approach Activities.) (5 minutes)

U. How We Behave in Conflict (10 minutes)

Question: When faced with a conflict, what are some of the sp ecific ways we behave?

Discussion: Encourage participants to give examples.

Question: Are some of these behaviours more effective in deal ing with conflict than others? In what ways?

Discussion: Draw out participants' responses. In addition, you might consider:

• some deal with the problem/others avoid it

• some enhance relationships/others harm relationships

• some solve the conflict/others increase it.

Question: Why do we behave in certain ways in conflict?


• habit

• learnt patterns

• variations with mood, seeing, relationship, significance of the conflict

• belief system – for me to win, someone else must lose.




There are many behaviours that are appropriate for dealing with conflict. However, when we react from habit, it may mean we don't make full use of this range of behaviours, nor do we always behave in the most appropriate way.

Throughout the course, we're going to explore behaviours and tools that are very helpful in dealing with conflict, and consider ways to make choices about appropriate behaviours so that we can respond to conflict, rather than just react in a knee-jerk manner.

V. A Model for Understanding Behaviour in Conflict (40 minutes)

Question: Who is familiar with the concept of ''Fight'' and ' 'Flight'' behaviours?

Question: What are some examples of ''Fight'' behaviours?

Discussion: Draw out participants' responses. You may give some examples:

• screaming

• physical violence

• refusing to listen

• manipulation

• sulking.

Question: What do you think are the main messages and intenti ons of ''Fight'' behaviours?


• ''I'm right/you're wrong''

• to blame and punish

• to threaten

• "I'm OK/You're not".

From participants' responses, write on the board: FIGHT I Win/

You lose




Often, these are labelled as aggressive behaviours.

Add the word:

FIGHT I Win/ Aggressive

You lose

Question: What are some examples of ''Flight'' behaviours?


• sulking

• crying

• avoiding

• pretending it hasn't happened

• giving in.

Question: What do you think are the main messages and intenti ons of ''Flight'' behaviours?


• ''I'm wrong/You're right''

• To avoid conflict

• To maintain peace

• To let the other person win

• ''I'm not OK/You are''.

From participants' responses, write on the board:

FLIGHT I lose/

You win

Often these are labelled as passive behaviours. The ''You'' person may win or sometimes lose, but the "I'' person always loses.

Add the word:

FLIGHT I lose/ Passive

You win




Let's now consider a different set of behaviours, n either "Fight" nor "Flight''. Let's call them "Flow'' behaviours.

Question: What might be some examples of "Flow" behaviours?


• discussing the issue

• listening to others

• taking time-out

• explaining own perspective and needs

• compromising.*

* If participants raise ''compromising'' or any other behaviour which doesn't seem to be fully a ''flow'' behaviour, comment that this is a behaviour which you'd like to consider more closely later after they've completed the handout: ''Behaviours in Conflict".

Question: What do you think are the main messages and intenti ons of ''Flow'' behaviours?

Discussion: Draw out participants' responses. In addition, you might explore:

• “There must be a way to solve this''

• to sort out the problem

• to respect others

• to make sure everyone is satisfied with the solution

• "I'm OK/you're OK".

From participants' responses, write on the board:

FLOW I win/

You win

Often these are labelled as "assertive'' behaviours.

Add the word:

FLOW I win/ Assertive

You win




Group Activity: Behaviours in Conflict: working in small groups participants identify behaviours which fit into ''fight'', "flight" and "flow" categories (see below for details.) (15 minutes)

Give out the handout: ''Behaviours in Conflict”. Divide into small groups of three or four participants.

In your small groups, consider three or four behaviours which fit into each of these categories, and then complete the columns across the page. You may include behaviours we've already identified or consider others which have personal significance for you.

Allow 10 minutes and move amongst the groups to assist them when necessary.

Draw participants together into the large group.

Question: Did any behaviours appear in more than one category ? In what ways are they different in each category?

Discussion: From the responses, comment:

A particular behaviour might appear in more than one category. To decide whether that behaviour is aggressive, passive or assertive, we need to understand the context, the relationship of the participants, the culture, what's gone before, and what comes after.

For example, withdrawal:

• We could withdraw with the intention of punishing the other person or to ignore his/her needs and concerns. In this case, it is probably a ''fight" behaviour.

• We could withdraw to avoid the conflict and just keep the peace. If we did that, and felt unhappy or taken advantage of, it is probably a ''flight'' behaviour.

• We could withdraw because we want time to consider an appropriate action. We may later return to deal directly with the issue, or we may decide to attend instead to the broader issues, to the more fundamental needs, and to the relationship. In this case, it's probably a "flow'' behaviour.

Question: Did you notice any patterns for each of the categor ies on how people are treated in the conflict and how the issu e is dealt with (i.e. the two columns on the right hand side of the handout)?




Discussion: From participants' responses, suggest that:

During "fight" behaviour the intention which may be unconscious, is to come down hard on the issue, with little concern for the person.

To the chart you developed earlier,

Add the words:

FIGHT I win/ Aggressive Hard on the people/

You lose Hard on the issue

In ''flight" behaviour the intention, which may be unconscious, is to protect ourselves rather than deal with the problem. By not confronting, the immediate result is relatively soft on the person.

Add the words:

FLIGHT I lose/ Passive Soft/hard on the people

You win Hard on the issue

During "flow'' behaviour, the intention is to solve the issue whilst respecting everyone in the conflict.

Add the words:

FLOW I win/ Assertive Soft on the people

You win Hard on the issue

Although, "flow'' behaviours seem to have the best outcomes, we often resort to ''fight" and ''flight" behaviours. And, indeed, they are unlikely to be dismissed completely from our repertoire. However, all the conflict resolution skills covered in this course can be used as part of a ''flow'' or win/win approach.

Give out the handouts: "Fight, Flight, Flow: Some Behaviours".

W. The Principles of a Win/Win Approach (30 minutes)

Let's explore what a win/win approach is about, by listening to a story.

There are two sisters in a kitchen and only one orange. Both of them want the orange. What could they do?

When someone says compromise or ''cut it in half", continue the story.

That's what they did. One sister went to the juicer and started to squeeze herself a drink which turned out too small to satisfy.




She then threw out the rind. The other sister, with some difficulty, began to grate the rind of her half of the orange to flavour a cake. She then threw out the juicy pulp.

They both had only half an orange when, in effect, they could have had the whole orange.

Question: What could they have done in order for both of them to have the whole orange?


• talked

• listened

• found out what each other wanted/needed.

The key to a win/win approach is to explore needs b efore settling on a solution.

Write on the board:

Win/Win Approach

Needs First Solutions Later

In the orange story, the sisters compromised.

Question: Compromise is sometimes considered the same as a Wi n/Win approach. What is compromise about? Why do we so fr equently compromise? What are its advantages?


• It may seem the simplest, easiest and fairest thing to do.

• It means that when we can't make a bigger pie, at least, everyone is sharing in what is available.

• It results in both parties having some of their needs met.

Question: What are some of the disadvantages of compromise?


• It often requires one party to give more and then they will be less committed to the solution.

• It may mean that the potential of all options hasn't been explored.

• It may breed resentment within the relationship.

• It has been described as an acceptable form of lose/lose. (Both people lose an equal amount.)




Although compromise has disadvantages, it is sometimes a valuable approach. However, if we settle too quickly for compromise, we can sell ourselves short. It may be that we decide on a poorer quality solution than we would have if we had adopted a win/win approach.

Extension: (Optional) Present the graph overleaf (p1.10) to expand on this. Draw it piece by piece, explaining it as you go. (See the explanation below the graph for details.)

Question: What do you think are the basic principles of a win /win approach?


• considering not only what I want but also what the other person wants

• raising the degree of concern for my own and others' needs

• being concerned with what's fair

• respecting relationships

• requiring us to believe that for me to win it is not necessary for someone else to lose

• moving towards a solution that includes as many needs as possible

• consulting with others to explore needs and to consider all possible options. This increases the likelihood of reaching a solution which addresses more of everyone's needs and to which everyone will be more committed. Giving and taking, when we know we have been heard and considered, feels very different to compromising immediately.

Question: Why use a win/win approach? What are the benefits?


• increases productivity

• encourages creativity in people

• results in good quality solutions

• elicits commitment from people

• focuses people's energy and attention on solving problems rather than fighting with each other.




The vertical axis represents how much of our own needs are being met. The horizontal axis represents how much of others' needs are being met.

If we're entirely concerned with our own needs and ignore or avoid others' needs then we've adopted an “I Win/You Lose" approach. (Make a mark at the top of the vertical axis and write the words: Fight: "Win/Lose".)

If we give in to other people and ignore our own needs, then we're adopting an “I lose/You win'' approach. (Make a mark at the end of the horizontal axis and write the words: Flight: Lose/Win.) Sometimes Flight also results in both parties losing. (Make a mark at the junction of the vertical and horizontal axes and write the words Flight: Lose/Lose.)

Compromise is like a half-way point between the two. lt takes account of some needs of both parties. Each party gets something of a win, and also a significant loss. (Make the "compromise" in the centre and join with dotted lines to the medical and horizontal axes – see graph. In another colour draw over the pads of the vertical and horizontal axes which go as far as these dotted lines. See Figure A. here.)

Figure A. Figure B.

Win/win takes account of many more needs. It's much more expansive. (Make the Win/Win on the top right hand comer of the page, and join with dotted lines to the vertical and horizontal axes – see graph. In a different colour draw over the whole of the vertical and horizontal axes, right out to these new dotted lines. See Figure B. above.)

A win/win approach starts by looking for solutions that meet all needs (point to the market Win/Win) and moves backwards, gradually and only as far as necessary, towards compromise, to come up with a solution that meets as many needs as possible. (Draw attention to how much more of the axes are now covered by the win/win. Draw in the diagonal arrow to show the gradual movement 'backwards''.) lt's far more likely to be a good quality solution than that chosen from a quick compromise.

A Win/Win Outcome:

would occur somewhere along, or near, the diagonal arrow, preferably close to the top. will not always happen. Sometimes, an outcome will be chosen which meets few needs or favours one person more than another, particularly if some participants are unwilling to negotiate.

A win/win approach is always an option.

none

Compromise

Fight Win/Lose

Flow Win/Win

Flight Lose/Lose

Flight Lose/Win

all

all

OTHERS’ NEEDS

OWN NEEDS




X. When Win/Win Seems Impossible (30 minutes)

It can be valuable, although not essential, to leave time (e.g. a day or a week) between doing section D and Section E. This gives participants a chance to absorb the material from Section D. As well it is possible to ask them to think about situations for which win/win seems impossible, to be discussed at the next session.

Question: Think of a conflict for which a win/win approach do esn't seem to be possible. What is it?

List participants' responses on the board. (Have a few sample situations that you can add to the list.) e.g.

• two applicants for one job

• a student who has worked hard but has not done sufficiently well to be awarded a pass

• two family functions on at the same time: one in the city, one in the country.

Group Activity: When Win/Win Seems Impossible: participants work in pairs or small groups of three, to consider two difficult conflicts. (See below for details) (20 minutes)

Question: Does win/win still seem impossible? What do you thi nk can be done with these difficult situations?

Discussion: Encourage participants to share strategies they've considered so far.

Give out the handout: ''Key Features of The Win/Win Approach”. Highlight points that may be particularly appropriate for participants' difficult situations.

Ask participants to consider again the situations they've identified on the handout.

Are some of these points (i.e. those on the handout: ''Key Features of The Win/Win Approach" ) relevant for developing a win/win in your situation?

Allow 10 minutes.

Discussion: Ask participants to share any points which they found particularly helpful.




Y. Concluding Comments

Different types of behaviour are appropriate in different situations. Mostly, we will be very practised in using two or three behaviours, and may feel less comfortable with the others. The more flexible we can become, the more choices we have about how we relate to others, and the more opportunities we have to resolve conflict.

For the win/win approach to become our first choice, we need to develop new skills. We need to learn to step back from solutions, to considerate need or concern driving each person to particular outcomes.

A win/win approach is not the same as a win/win outcome. It is the approach that's the key. Ask yourself:

• How has the solution been generated?

• Have all needs been considered, all options been explored and the solution been chosen which meets more major needs than any other?

• Have the relevant parties participated in the process?



The Win/Win Approach A.1.1

The Win/Win Approach Activities

The Handshake Exercise


Context: A win/win approach, based on co-operative effort, will maximize benefits for everyone. A win/ lose approach, based on competition is far more likely to result in dramatic differences in benefits. (See Chapter 1. The Win/Win Approach, Section A.)

Time: 10 minutes

Aim: To show how frequently the concept of winning is tied to the idea of someone else losing and how this influences our approach to a task.

Instructions: Give no background concepts before playing the game.

We're going to do an exercise to get us started.

Ask each participant to choose a partner roughly the same size as him or herself. Then ask for a volunteer to demonstrate with the trainer.

The trainer and the volunteer stand facing each other and take a handshake hold.

The aim of this exercise is to win as many points as you can.

You score a point every time you get the other person's hand to your hip.

The trainer and a volunteer demonstrate what "getting the other person's hand to your hip'' means but do not engage in a struggle in front of the group. The exercise is set up in as neutral a way as possible, so that people will project onto the instructions their natural inclination.




Be sure to keep count of your points.

Ready? Begin.

(If participants ask questions, simply repeat the instructions and encourage them to keep count of their points.)

Allow between 30 seconds and 1 minute.

Discussion: What we're going to do is to explore the differences in the number of points people achieved, and how they did it.

Who scored more than 50? Less than 10? How did you do it?

How did you interpret ''you'' in the instructions – as an individual, a pair, a group?

Did the idea of "winning'' imply ''losing'' as well? For someone to win, did another have to lose?

Who discussed it with their partner? What was discussed? Who changed strategy during the exercise? Why?

When we're in conflict with someone else, do we frequently approach it thinking that one person will win and the other will lose? (e.g. I told him; I put her in her place; I showed him who was boss; I didn't let her get the better of me; I got my way; I always lose out in these sorts of problems.)

In conflict, are there times when we use the same approach as we did in the exercise? Are there other occasions when we use a different approach?


ln an exercise such as this, it is possible to interpret ''win'' in a variety of ways, and to behave accordingly.

Problems arise when we transfer a concept of ''winning over'' – to situations where ''winning with'' – would be more beneficial. ''Winning over'' is about one person winning while the other loses. ''Winning with'' is about co-operating so that both people obtain what they want or need.

As well, we frequently behave in certain ways out of habit, rather than from choice. This means that we lose flexibility in our approach to conflict.




The Win/Win Approach Activities

The Arm Wrestling Exercise


Context: A win/ win approach, based on co-operative effort will maximise benefits for everyone. A win/ lose approach, based on competition is far more likely to result in dramatic differences in actual benefits. (See Chapter 1. The Win/ Win Approach, Section A.)

Time: 10 minutes

Aim: To show how frequently the concept of winning is tied to the idea of someone else losing and how this influences the style with which we approach conflict.

Instructions: Give no background concepts before playing the game.

We're going to do an exercise to get us started.

Have the group choose partners, and sit opposite each other with about an inch between the knees, or across a small table, if available.

Ask participants to think of three things that they really want e.g. a job promotion, an overseas holiday, a new car. They don't have to share this information with their partners.

The object of the exercise is to have all your wishes granted.

When Partner A gets Partner B's hand down to the level of B's knee (or table, if used) Partner A has one wish granted and vice versa.

The trainer demonstrates how to do this by assuming an arm wrestle position. The exercise is set up in as neutral a way as possible, so that people will project onto the instructions their natural inclination. Therefore, do not describe verbally the arm wrestle position or label it as such, or enter into a mock struggle while demonstrating.




Ask participants to take hold of their partners' hands, as demonstrated.

Ready? ...Begin.

(If participants ask questions, simply repeat the instruction, and encourage them to start.)

Allow 30 seconds–1 minute.

Discussion: Who had all their wishes granted?

How many of you, upon hearing the instructions ''have all your wishes granted'' thought there had to be a winner and a loser, that it was a competition?

Who discussed it with their partner? What was discussed?

Who changed strategy during the exercise? Why?

When we're in a conflict with someone else, do we frequently approach it thinking one person will win and the other will lose? (e.g. I told him; I put her in her place; I showed him who was boss; I didn't let her get the better of me; I got my way; I always lose out in these sorts of problems.)

In conflict, are there times when we use the same approach as we did in the exercise? Are there other occasions when we use a different approach?


In an exercise such as this it is possible to interpret ''win'' in a variety of ways, and to behave accordingly.

Problems arise when we transfer a concept of ''winning over'' to situations where ''winning with'' would be more beneficial. As well, we frequently behave in certain ways from habit rather than from choice. This means that we lose flexibility in our approach to conflict.



The Win/Win Approach H.1.1

Behaviours in Conflict

Specific examples of behaviour

Strengths

(long and short term)

Weaknesses

(long and short term) How it affects the people involved

How it affects the problem

FIGHT:I win/You lose

1.

2.

3.

Flight: I lose/You win

1.

2.

3.

Flow: I win/ You win

1.

2.

3.



The Win/Win Approach H.1.2

Fight, Flight, Flow: Some Behaviours

FIGHT: Aggressive I win/ You lose

FLIGHT: Passive I lose/ You win I lose/ You lose

FLOW: Assertive I win/ You win

Control , demand. Submit to another's power. Share power or work towards it.

Punish , reward. Resign to the situation. Unfold the opportunity.

Bulldoze to punish, to refuse to deal with other's needs and concerns.

Withdraw to avoid, to refuse to deal with own needs and concerns.

Withdraw to consider needs and concerns of self and others. Return to address the issue as appropriate.

Explode , dumping responsibility on the other person and denying ownership of any part of the problem.

Suppress at least to the other person, the distress felt.

Contain discomfort carefully, if you choose now to deal with it at a more appropriate time.

Manipulate while appearing to compromise.

Surrender own needs in hasty compromise.

Seek agreement which is fair to all involved.



Creative Response 2.1

When Win/Win Seems Impossible

Sometimes a win/win outcome seems impossible. However, applying a win/win approach explores the possibilities in the situation. It may result in unexpected outcomes. Situation 1 Situation 2

Identify two situations where win/win seems impossible.

Why does win/win seem impossible? What are the obstacles?

Moving towards a win/win, consider:

How can the obstacles be removed?

Can a win be redefined?

What can rebalance a loss?

What's the long term perspective?

………………?

………………?

What unexpected win/win outcome may conceivably occur?




Key Features of the Win/Win Approach

GO BACK TO NEEDS.

Concentrate on approach not outcome

• Win/Win solutions are not always possible.

• Maintain an attitude of respect for all parties.

• Be willing to fix the problem.

Take a broader perspective

• What are the long-term and short-term consequences of win/lose?

• What are the advantages of win/win?

• Identify many options and develop the ones that give everyone more of what they need.

• Re-define what constitutes a win.

• What can be done to balance a loss?

Make it easy to say yes

• Offer options that are of high value to them and easy for you to give.

• Listen to and acknowledge their needs and concerns.

STRENGTHEN YOUR OWN APPROACH RATHER THAN WEAKENING THEIRS.

Focus on the issue

• Hard on the issue, easy on the person

• What are the needs

• What are the concerns

Be persistent

• Take a long term view.

• Maintain dialogue or its possibility.

• Fly win/win flags.

Support what is legitimate and fair

• Resist greed and injustice.

• Avoid infringing your own and others' rights.




Creative Response

Objectives: To understand how powerfully the messages we give ourselves affect the outcomes when faced with conflict.

To explore ways of transforming our thought patterns.

Session Times: 1 ¾ hours: Sections A–E

1 hour: Sections B–D

½ hour: Abbreviate Sections B–D

Essential Background: Understanding Conflict


B. Exploring Our Responses to Conflict: React or Respond 2.4

C. Two Models for Approaching Conflict: Perfection and Discovery 2.6

D. Looking for the Positive in Conflict 2.8

E. An Action Program for Developing More Creative Responses to Conflict 2.9

Activities: The Block Puzzle A.2.1

Handouts: Section C: Perfection and Discovery Approaches H.2.4




Creative Response

Ah, Conflict! What an Opportunity!

Z. Stimulus Activity (20 minutes)

The Block Puzzle: working with six blocks, participants are given a small construction problem to explore the importance of mindchatter in affecting our ability to solve problems. (See Creative Response Activities, pg A 2.1.)

AA. Exploring Our Responses to Conflict: React or R espond (20 minutes)

Reflection: Think of an argument or a run-in that you had with someone recently. Feel it… remember it…

Now let yourself know it will recur. Tomorrow, you’re going to have that same argument again.

Question: What are you feeling? What are you thinking?

Discussion: Draw out participants’ responses. In addition, you might consider:

• Dread

• Anxiety

• Fear

• Worry

• Exhilaration

• Excitement.


• Nausea

• Butterflies

• Tightening of muscles around neck, jaw, shoulders.




Question: What thoughts are running through your mind?


• I wish it would go away

• It’s too difficult

• Why is it happening again?

These messages that we give ourselves are known as mindchatter or self-talk.

Mindchatter, what we tell ourselves, affects how we respond to situations. This conversation with ourselves is continuous. When we're under stress the chatter increases. Because it affects the way we act and how we see the world, changing our mindchatter will change our view of the world and our reactions.

Question: How do you think our mind chatter affects our abili ty to deal effectively with the conflict?


• It may make it hard to be open-minded.

• It may cloud our judgement.

• It may make us defensive.

(Refer to the effect of self-talk on participants' ability to do the Block Puzzle.)

Question: Why do we so often give ourselves such negative mes sages?


• We've learnt these responses from early childhood.

• We don't know how to behave in response to the behaviour that the other person is using in conflict.

• We don't know how to manage our own responses.

• It’s hard to see beyond the immediate discomfort, to some constructive outcome.

Because we give ourselves these negative messages, we often find ourselves with a knee jerk reaction to conflict. We are not acting by choice, but out of habit.




Write on the board:

REACT

We may withdraw, sulk, scream, punish them, get cranky. Learning new patterns of greeting conflict may give us the choice to behave In a different, more appropriate way.

Write on the board.

OR

RESPOND.

By responding we can explore the possibilities of the situation. For example, what can be done to make this different, to make it work for all of us?

BB. Two Models for Approaching Conflict: Perfection and Discovery

(20 minutes)

(For expanded discussion, see Thomas F Crum The Magic of Conflict (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1987) p11–120.)

Question: What are some of the causes of conflict?


• power battles

• defining territories

• difference of opinion or ideas

• clash of values.

Question: What is it about ''difference'' that causes conflic t? Why don't we just accept differences, instead of tying ourselves up in knots?


• We like to be right.

• We feel threatened by difference.

• We think our way is best.




When we're caught up with what's right, with how things should or shouldn't be chances are we're measuring the situation against a yardstick of PERFECTION.

(Some groups may feel more comfortable with the word "perfectionism". Encourage participants to use their own words to identify the models. (The concept, not the names in the model, is the important point)

Say: Write on the board:

When we are driven by whether things are right or wrong

it can lead to judgements

and an unwillingness to risk.

What if it doesn't work out? We may be left with a feeling of anxiety.

When we're working on this basis we look for winners and losers

and end up with FRUSTRATION.

Another way of measuring a situation is against a yardstick of DISCOVERY.

Say: Write on the board:

Approach the situation with an attitude of inquiry and creativity.

“That's interesting, why did that happen?” This leads to acceptance

and a willingness to risk

and to try again. "I wonder what else I can do now?", ''How can I make it better?" We have a feeling of excitement.

Using this yardstick there are no winners and losers, only learners

and FASCINATION.




Using a discovery approach we can still aim for excellence.

Discovery doesn't mean settling for second best, or grinning and bearing it. It means acknowledging how we feel about a situation and looking for what we can learn, for the new doors that are opening and for the ways that we can make it different in the future. Excellence becomes the path itself rather than the destination. Allowing mistakes and being willing to risk is more likely to achieve excellence than a model of perfection which is limited by a definition of what's right.

Give out the handout: "Perfection and Discovery Approaches.''

Reflection: Ask participants to think again of the conflicts they recalled earlier in the session. What could be discovered in these? What could be learnt?

CC. Looking for the Positive in Conflict (20 minutes)

We've already talked about mindchatter. The negative messages we give ourselves can inhibit our ability to do things. With the block puzzle, the statement ''I'm no good at these things," made it almost impossible to succeed. That type of negative message sets us up for failure and frustration.

Look for the positive side of the situation, for the opportunity. The language we use is very powerful in directing our thoughts and ultimately the outcome in a situation.

Reframe our negative "I can't do this'' to "I need to work out a plan'' or "I need to learn these skills”.

Think of a new way of seeing a situation. A two year old child can be seen as going through the ''terrible twos'' or going through the ''champagne year''. The new colleague at work can be ''making lots of mistakes'' or ''willing to have a go”.

Group Activity: Creating positive statements about conflict: participants construct statements to focus their attention on the opportunity in the conflict. (See below for details.) (5 minutes)

Ask participants to reflect again on the conflicts they identified earlier. (See Part B.)

Write down a positive message you can give yourself about that particular conflict.

AlIow 2–3 minutes.

Now try to invent a positive statement which you could use to approach conflict in general.

e.g. ''Celebrate successes, learn from failures”.

''l'm here to solve problems”.




"Here’s a challenge!"

Write the group's creative responses on the board and, if possible, prepare them as a handout for the next session.

Conflict is a chance to move on, to have things change, to enter richer relationships.

The positive messages we've just composed are a powerful antidote to the negativity that we sometimes feel towards conflict. Another powerful message is:

Write on the board:

AH, CONFLICT!

WHAT AN OPPORTUNITY!

Greet conflict with an attitude of discovery.

DD. An Action Program for Developing More Creative Responses to Conflict

(20 minutes)

Creative response is about turning problems into challenges. The four steps are:

Write on the board:

Choose to respond

Accept what is

Ask "What can I learn here?"

Look for the opportunity

Some helpful strategies to achieve this can be:

• Set a specific time each week to initiate action, letters, phone calls and conversations. Don't wait for others to take the first step. If it's a ''tough one'' the other person will probably avoid it.

• Focus all our attention and energy on the achievement of the objectives we have set.




• Use encouraging, affirmative language in our mindchatter and when we talk to others about difficulties. For example, I've decided to'' in place of "I have to”. Acknowledge the problem, be positive about the outcome.

• Learn how to relax mentally and physically using meditation and other mind relaxing techniques.

Group Activity: A More Creative Response to a Conflict: participants, working in pairs, consider a current unresolved conflict to develop a plan for a more creative response. (See below for details.) (10 minutes)

Ask the group to divide into pairs.

Think of a current unresolved conflict in your life. Partner A, describe this conflict to Partner B. Then, through discussion, try to explore each of the four steps listed on the board.

Allow 5 minutes.

Now, Partner B, describe a conflict to Partner A and, again through discussion, explore the four steps for developing a more creative response to conflict.

Discussion: Encourage questions and comments from participants.

Final Comments: Looking for the opportunity in conflict helps us to shift from fixed positions, and to consider a broader range of options. This means that the solution upon which we settle is more likely to reflect more of the needs and concerns of those involved, and address the major issues at stake more effectively

.



Creative Response A2.1

Creative Response Activities

The Block Puzzle

Trainers Information Only

Context: The negative messages we give ourselves often inhibit our ability to deal with conflict. As well, locking into the idea of the right solution can blind us to other options. (See Chapter 2: Creative Response: Section A.)

Time: 20 minutes

Aim: To experience the effect of mindchatter and concern for the right solution on one’s problem solving ability.

Requirements: A set of six blocks for each participant. Each set can be different, but within sets, the blocks must be the same shape and size

e.g. children’s building blocks Cuisenaire rods video boxes matchboxes paperback books.

Instructions: We're going to do a puzzle to look at what might enhance or inhibit our problem-solving ability.

You have 3 minutes to solve this puzzle.

Arrange the six blocks so that each touches exactly three others, no more and no less.

Touching means that the whole or part of a flat surface of the blocks must meet.

Contact through an edge or corner does not count.

e.g. These do not count!

(Draw examples on board or demonstrate with the blocks.)

You can sit on the floor, or use your chair, or your folder as a stable working surface.




Your time starts now.

At the end of 3 minutes, tell participants that their time is up.

Ask if anyone finished the puzzle. "Are you sure each of the blocks is touching three others?''...

Acknowledge those who finished, and those who didn't.

Show them a few sample solutions.

Three Sample Solutions:

These lie flat on the floor

These rest on top of the other blocks.




Discussion: How did you feel when I asked you to do this exercise? What sort of thoughts ran through your mind? (After participants have responded, you might add: I'm no good at this; I can never do these things; Good, I really like these; I know I can do it; I've seen it done before etc.)

These messages that we give ourselves are known as mindchatter or self-talk.

Do you think your mindchatter affected your ability to do the puzzle?

For those of you who had negative mindchatter, do you think you would have approached the puzzle differently, if your mindchatter had been more positive?

What are some of the positive things you could have said to yourself? (After participants have responded, you might add: I haven't played with blocks for years – this'll be fun; Here's a challenge; I wonder if I'll be better at this sort of thing now than I was years ago?)

Who was concerned with getting it right? Did you assume there was only one right solution? Did looking for that right solution inhibit your efforts?

How did you go about solving the puzzle? What did you notice about the process you used? (This may be difficult to work out if you were looking for the right solution instead of noticing the process. Paradoxically, noticing the process may have propelled us to a solution.)

Was it:

• Random?

• Trial and error?

• Logical – think through before starting?

• Dividing up and tackling one part after another?

• Modifying some previous experience of similar puzzle?

Did anyone feel blocked in their efforts because of being locked into one pattern? (After participants have responded, you might add: only thinking of two dimensional rather than three dimensional solutions.)


Mindchatter affects our ability to solve problems, as does our pre-occupation with the right solution can inhibit our thinking. We may not realise that there are other ways of approaching a solution, nor that there may be more than one solution. The lateral thinking required to solve problems such as these is often the skill that is needed to solve a thorny conflict: a highly creative approach.

(Note: This exercise is taken from Edward de Bono The Five Day Course in Thinking (Harmondsworth: Penguin, 1968.))



Empathy 3.4

Perfection and Discovery Approaches

When how we perceive ourselves and others...

… is judged against

PERFECTION,

we are driven by

• right/wrong

• judgements

• failures

• unwillingness to risk

• anxiety

• FRUSTRATION

… is open to

DISCOVERY,

we are motivated by

• inquiry/creativity

• acceptance

• learning

• willingness to risk

• excitement

• FASCINATION

Does a discovery approach close off the search for excellence? Not at all! We start by acknowledging how we feel about a situation and then look for what we can learn, for better ways of doing things, for new doors that are opening in the future. Being willing to risk is more likely to achieve excellence than a model of perfection which is limited by a definition of what's right and how people ought to be.

Adapted from Thomas Crum The Magic of Conflict (NY: Simon & Schuster, 1987)



Empathy 3.5

Empathy

Objectives: To understand the concept of empathy.

To explore communication patterns which block and which foster empathy.

To develop and practise the skill of active listening.

Session Times: 2 x 3 hours: Sections A–E Sections F–K

3 hours: Section A–E

or

Sections A and C–I

or

Sections F–K

1 ½ hours: Sections A, B, D, E and F

1 hour: Section A, D and F

Essential Background: The Win/Win Approach

Sections: A. Exploring the Meaning of Empathy 3.7

B. Valuing Differences – the DISC Exercise 3.8

C. Introduction to Empathy Blockers 3.8

D. Detailed Look at Empathy Blockers 3.9

E. Concluding Discussion: Empathy Blockers 3.10

F. Introduction to Active Listening 3.11

G. Listening to Gain Information 3.13

H. Asking Questions 3.13

I. Listening to Give Affirmation 3.15

J. Listening When under Verbal Attack – to Deal with Another's Inflammation 3.18

K. Reflection on Listening 3.20



Empathy 3.6

Activities: The DISC Exercise A.3.1

Blocking Communication A.3.9

Experiencing Empathy Blockers A.3.10

Experiencing the Difference Between Empathy Blockers and Active Listening A.3.12

Static A.3.14

Back-to-Back Drawing A.3.15

Shopping List A.3.17

Identifying Feelings and Responding A.3.19

Active Listening to Affirm A.3.20

Handouts: Section B: Behavioural Style Questionnaire H.3.1

DISC Model H.3.2

Differences in Behavioural Style H.3.1

Section D: Empathy Blockers H.3.2

Section E: Create Empathy H.3.3

Section I: Identifying Feelings and Responding H.3.4

Active Listening... Some Helpful Hints H.3.5

Active Listening for Different Purposes H.3.6

Section K: Listen H.3.7



Empathy 3.7

Empathy

Understanding and Valuing Individual Differences

EE. Exploring the Meaning of Empathy (20 minutes)

Question: What does the word "empathy'' mean?

Discussion: Encourage a few minutes' discussion to arrive at a common understanding of the term. Ask how it is different from sympathy. Empathy is ''feeling into", seeing how it is through another's eyes.

''Empathy is walking with another person into the deeper chambers of his self – while still maintaining some separateness. It involves experiencing the feelings of another without losing one's own identity. It involves accurate response to another's needs without being infected by them...[The empathic person]...senses the other person's bewilderment, anger, fear or love as if it were his own feeling, but he does not lose the 'as if' nature of his involvement." Robert Bolton People Skills (Sydney: Simon & Schuster, 1987) p271.

Question: Think of someone with whom you often feel empathy. What helps you to feel empathy? What are some of the ingredien ts?

Discussion: Ask participants to write down their answers. Share in pairs and then in the large group. In addition, you might consider:

• trust

• attentiveness

• appropriate responses

• shared experiences

• respect

• support

Question: Think of someone with whom it's difficult to feel e mpathy. What does that feel like? What are the ingredients?

Discussion: Ask participants to write down their answers. Share in pairs and then in the large group, using additional questions to explore further.

What makes it difficult?

What are the things that block you off from that other person?



Empathy 3.8


• inattentiveness

• talking about him/herself

• lack of interest

• low respect etc.

It may be that we sometimes have difficulty developing empathy because we don't know how to respond to a person's behaviour. We may not know how to be when we're with that person. The emphasis here is on our response – it's not blaming or finding fault or inadequacy with the other person.

Question: What are the key elements of empathy as a skill?


• Separate our responses from those of the person with whom we are empathising. Retain objectivity and distance.

• Be alert to cues about feelings offered to us by the other person.

• Communicate to people our feeling for them and our understanding of their situations.

FF. Valuing Differences – the DISC Exercise (1 ½ hours)

The DISC Exercise: this provides participants with a framework for recognising and valuing different behavioural styles. Understanding others' approaches to completing work, to problem-solving, to managing priorities, to dealing with feelings and so on, can help build empathy, relieve tension and minimise conflict. (See Empathy Activities, p A.3.1 for details.)

GG. Introduction to Empathy Blockers (15–25 minutes)

Below are two approaches. Normally use only one of these unless you are running an extended session on Empathy, or if the group is having difficulties grappling with it.

Approach 1

Question: Think of a time when you wanted to tell someone som ething and the response from the person helped the communicati on significantly. What was the person doing?



Empathy 3.9


• really listening

• asking questions

• using ''mms'' and ''ahs'' to encourage

• maintaining good eye contact

• displaying attentive and welcoming body language.

Question: Now think of a time when you wanted to tell someone something and what that person did in response made you shut down your communication with them. What wasn't working?


• not really listening

• not showing interest

• being inattentive

• having poor eye contact

• changing the topic

• giving advice.

Approach 2

Group Activity: Blocking Communication: participants working in small groups of three explore the ways we sometimes block communication. (See Empathy Activities, p A.3.9.) (15 minutes)

HH. Detailed Look at Empathy Blockers (30–40 minutes)

We've been considering behaviours and comments that inhibit communication. We've come up with a variety of non-verbal behaviours – body language, eye contact, physical barriers, and we've also touched on some of the verbal inhibitors like (refer to examples that came up in Section C, if any)...giving advice...reassuring and so on. We call these empathy blockers , and we'll now give these some more attention.

Question: Think of a phrase or phrases that might really irri tate you, or at least cause you to shut down. What are they?

Discussion: Share these in the group. Then give out the handout: ''Empathy Blockers''.



Empathy 3.10

Ask participants to read through the handout and identify empathy blockers they use or that someone else uses.

Group Activity: Choose one of the three approaches below, using the Empathy Blockers handout.

Pair Share: ask the group to form pairs and share their responses to particular empathy blockers e.g. Which ones block them most? What responses do they arouse? (10 minutes)

Experiencing Empathy Blockers: small groups deliberately block empathy with a person who is relating an issue of concern. (See Empathy Activities, p A.3.9.) (20 minutes)

Experiencing the Difference between Empathy Blocker s and Active Listening: working in pairs, two rounds enable participants to experience the difference between empathy blockers and active listening. (See Empathy Activities, p A.3.12.) (20 minutes)

II. Concluding Discussion: Empathy Blockers (20 minutes)

Question: What are the consequences of using empathy blockers , on communication, on the people involved, on problem-s olving?


• results in defensiveness, resistance and resentment

• blocks feelings

• diminishes self-esteem

• decreases the ability to solve problems

• creates emotional barriers between people.

Question: Given that empathy blockers tend to have negative e ffects, why do we use them?

Discussion: You might stimulate the group's thinking by further questioning.

Are there times when we're more likely to use empathy blockers? What are they? (After participants have responded, you might add: when under stress, or feeling angry, frustrated, out of control, and out of habit.)

Why don't we use more effective communication methods, like active listening and assertiveness? (After participants have responded, you might add: high emotion, conditioned responses modelled on those closest to us during childhood (like parents and teachers), deliberate desire to hurt or manipulate.)



Empathy 3.11


With awareness of our use of empathy blockers we can choose to try more effective methods of communicating.

When we use an empathy blocker or shut down our communication when an empathy blocker is used on us, we are probably relying on a habitual and automatic way of behaving we learnt in childhood. We react. But, when we pause a moment and choose a response that opens rather than closes communication, then we can respond.

Write on the board:

REACT

OR

RESPOND

By choosing to respond, we're taking control of our behaviour and opening the door to richer relationships.

Once we're responding rather than reacting, there can be times when offering reassurance or giving advice can be helpful. Those times come after you've listened and others know they've been heard, and after you've shown them respect and recognised how they're feeling. Reassurance and advice may then be given in a cautious, constructive and supportive manner that empowers them to do what they need to in order to move on.

Give out the handout: "Create Empathy”.

JJ. Introduction to Active Listening (30 minutes)

Optional Activity: Depending on time and the needs of the group, use one of the following stimulus activities:

Static: participants pass a message from one person to the next. The last person will often repeat a message quite different from the original because of selective listening differences in interpretation etc. (See Empathy Activities, p A.3.14.) (15 minutes)

Back-to-Back Drawing: participants try to reproduce a drawing with only verbal instructions. This can be difficult because we all have different perceptions of what words mean. As well, we readily make assumptions to fill in the gaps in what we hear. (This activity can also be used in Section G: Listening to Gain Information or Section I: Listening to Give Affirmation.) (See Empathy Activities, p A.3.15. (20 minutes)



Empathy 3.12

In considering the topic of empathy we've looked, so far, at the importance of recognising and valuing different behavioural styles – DISC. We've also looked at the ways that impede or block empathy. We now want to focus on a skill that helps to create and foster empathy – the skill of listening.

Question: Who's familiar with the concept of active listening ?

Discussion: Raise your hand to indicate that's what you want participants to do.

Question: Who believes they could improve their skills in act ive listening?

Raise hands as above.

Reflection: Think about yourself as a listener. Now think of fi ve people with whom you interact on a daily basis. On a scale of 1 –10, with 1 for poor listening skills rate how each of those people would perceive your listening skills.

Discussion: Allow 2 minutes and then encourage discussion by asking questions:

Question: Would you expect different people to rate you diffe rently? What factors affect your ability and/or willingness to l isten effectively?

Discussion: Draw out participants' responses. In addition you might consider:

• relationship with speaker

• lack of time

• pre-occupation with other matters

• difficulty dealing with emotions – theirs and yours

• strong disagreement

• environment

• physical discomfort.

Which scores do you consider worth improving?

Question: How do we know when someone is really listening to us? What is it like?


• eye contact

• verbal responses

• asking relevant questions

• posture

• gestures, nods



Empathy 3.13

• future actions

• feelings of being valued, heard, cared for.

These can be explored in more depth in sections G–J.

Pair Share: Ask the group to spend 5 minutes with a partner sharing their responses to the following two questions:

What things about listening do you think you manage well?

What would you like to improve about your listening skills?

KK. Listening to Gain Information (30 minutes)

We listen for a variety of reasons. One of the main reasons is to gain information. Sometimes conflict can develop because vital information is missing or miscommunicated.

Studies have shown that immediately after people have listened to someone talk, they remember only about half of what they've heard. Then, within eight hours, they tend to forget one half to one third more of what they have heard. (Studies conducted at the University of Minnesota in 1957 by R Nichols and L Stevens quoted in Robert Bolton People Skills (Sydney: Simon & Schuster, 1987), p30.

Group Activity: Choose either one of the following two activities:

Shopping List: working in pairs, Partner A asks Partner B to buy five items. If Partner B asks clarifying questions, Partner A is more likely to receive precisely what he/she wants. (See Empathy Activities, p A.3. 17.) (15 minutes)

Back-to-Back Drawing: participants try to reproduce a drawing with only verbal instructions. This can be difficult because we all have different perceptions of what words mean. As well, we readily make assumptions to fill in the gaps in what we hear. (This activity can also be used in Section F: Introduction to Active Listening or in Section I: Listening to Give Affirmation.) (See Empathy Activities, p A.3.15.) (20 minutes)

LL. Asking Questions (10 minutes)

Too often we rely on others to give us all the information we need; or we have too much faith that we are using words in the same way. We may, in fact, be attaching different meanings or very different pictures to words.



Empathy 3.14

Sometimes conflicts arise because of differing perceptions of what words mean. For example:

lf you were asked to clean up a particular area, does that mean make it tidy, put things in neat piles, or put things away? Does it include dusting and vacuuming? Does it mean moving the furniture, or just cleaning the exposed surfaces and so on?

All parties in a communication have a role in making things clear.

Asking questions helps us to become specific.

A useful shorthand for gathering information is to think in terms of:

Write on the board:

HOW?

WHY?

WHAT?

WHERE?

WHEN?

Which of these are relevant and need to be answered? How can they be asked so as to elicit information and not cause defensiveness?

The way in which a question is constructed determines its usefulness. Closed questions elicit specific information and are valuable when this is what is required. Open questions encourage broader exploration of the issue and associated feelings.

For example, a closed question such as:

''Would you like things to be different?"

elicits a yes/no answer.

An open question , such as

''How would you like things to be different?"

is more likely to encourage others to talk. It demonstrates our interest in their ideas, and gives us much more of a window into their thinking, which is the foundation of empathy.

Use of the word ''why'' can inflate conflict, and so needs to be used with caution.



Empathy 3.15

A question out of context, and blunt, such as ''Why were you late this morning?'' can cause the other person to become defensive and close down. Can this enquiry be phrased differently and preceded by a statement of our need for punctuality? Or could it focus instead on what can be done to avoid being late in the future? Or...? There are many alternatives which can be built on acknowledging that the other person has a perspective that needs to be explored.

Group Activity: Practice on Constructing Open Questions: participants consider examples of closed questions and try to think of open alternatives. (See below for details.) (5 minutes)

I'm going to give you a series of closed questions. I want us then to try and construct some open alternatives.

Give one example at a time, and ask participants for alternatives.

e.g.: Do you want to resolve this?

Have you got something to say about this situation?

Do you like the design of the new poster?

Was the conference interesting?

Have you had a good day?

End this activity with a group discussion about difficulties, insights, and comments.

MM. Listening to Give Affirmation (1 hour)

Stimulus Activity: Back-to-Back Drawing: participants try to reproduce a drawing with only verbal instructions. This can be difficult because we all have different perceptions of what words mean. As well, we readily make assumptions to fill in the gaps in what we hear. (This activity can also be used in Section F: Introduction to Active Listening or in Section G: Listening to Gain Information.) (See Empathy Activities, p A.3.15, for details.) (20 minutes)

So far, we've discussed active listening for the purpose of gaining information.

Write on the board:

ACTIVE LISTENING:

to gain information



Empathy 3.16

Now we're going to change focus to think about listening to affirm another person.

Write on the board under “to gain information”:

to give affirmation

Question: What do we mean by giving affirmation to another pe rson?


• acknowledging another

• making another feel valued

• showing empathy.

In a conflict situation often the most important need for another person is to sort out ideas using us as a sounding board. As well, we may be needing to hear the details of that person's feelings and thoughts, to really understand a different perspective – so that we can show empathy.

Question: What skills show that we are listening to another p erson with empathy?


Non-verbal skills environment

body posture

eye contact

encouraging gestures

Following skills: minimal encouragers, such as ''mm'' and ''ah''

occasional questions

attentive silences

Reflecting skills: reflect back feelings and content

paraphrase

summarise

use a tone of voice that shows warmth and interest.



Empathy 3.17

Reflecting back feelings and content, using our own words, is the crucial skill in listening to affirm.

Question: Why is reflecting back so crucial?


• to make sure we hear exactly what is intended

• to show empathy

• to help the other person hear him or herself.

Question: How do we reflect back?

Discussion: Draw out participants' responses. In addition you might explore:

• not parroting the person's words

• para-phrasing and summarising.

Give some examples to explain this more fully.

Asking too many questions can distract the speaker, and lead in a direction that may be of more interest to the listener. It can be appropriate to ask questions, provided they are very closely linked to what the speaker is saying and supportive to the crucial skill of reflecting back.

Group Activity: If time permits, and it is appropriate to the group, do both activities listed below. If not, omit the first one, and do only the role play.

Identifying Feelings and Responding: participants consider a list of statements to identify the underlying feeling being expressed and to work out an appropriate active listening response. (See Empathy Activities, p A.3.19.) (10 minutes)

Active Listening to Give Affirmation: Working in pairs, participants have the opportunity to practise their listening skills and to be listened to. (See Empathy Activities, p A.3.20.) (40 minutes)


Good listening empowers speakers. It helps people verbalise what may not have been clear to them before. People can usually find their own answers. They are more likely to put their own plans into action rather than someone else's well intentioned advice.

When people feel listened to, they will talk more freely about themselves. Even well-intentioned advising or diagnosing may block this communication.

Active listening may entice people to reveal more of themselves than they are really comfortable doing. They may later be highly embarrassed and distance themselves from the listener. lt is important



Empathy 3.18

to respect people's comfort zones in personal communication. This applies particularly to work contexts where people often prefer to be private about personal issues.

There is a time to active listen, and there is a time to graciously add in our own perspectives. Look for cues from the other person to know when this is appropriate.

Really listening is far more than waiting for our turn to speak. We put so much attention on the other person that our own mental commentary is ''turned off'' at that time.

Give out the handouts: "Active Listening… Some Helpful Hints'' pH3.7 and "Active Listening for Different Purposes'' pH3.8

NN. Listening When under Verbal Attack – to Deal wi th Another's Inflammation

(40 minutes)

Note: It is often useful to teach this section of Active Listening in the broader context of Managing Emotions. By then, participants will have had the opportunity to practise listening for information and to give affirmation before facing the challenge of dealing with high emotion.

For those wishing to include it in this section, notes are set out below.

Question: When someone is verbally attacking us, what are our usual responses?


• becoming defensive

• becoming aggressive

• arguing in a heated way

• retreating into ourselves

• becoming upset, fearful.

Question: How effective are these responses in dealing with t he other person's anger, and in resolving the conflict?


• often doesn't lead to a solution; or at best only leads to a short term solution

• may have long term detrimental effects on the relationship

• results in feeling drained or upset or downtrodden

• increases the likelihood of this pattern repeating itself.



Empathy 3.19

When there is a conflict, it's common to blame the other person or become extremely defensive. It is difficult to be objective when the emotional level is high. Active listening is an effective tool to reduce the emotion involved in a situation.

Write on the board:

ACTIVE LISTENING:

to gain information

to give affirmation

to respond to inflammation.

When we accurately identify and acknowledge an emotion, the intensity of it dissipates like a bubble bursting or a grease spot dissolving. The speaker feels heard and understood. Once the emotional level has been reduced, reasoning abilities can function more effectively.

Write on the board:

High Emotions?

Active Listen to deal with emotions

FIRST.

Carefully using active listening can turn the situation of conflict around to one of co-operating so as to develop new options.

Group Activity: Handling Another Person's Inflammation: in this role play, participants practise their active listening skills. (See Managing Emotions Activities, Handling Another Person's Inflammation, p A 6.6.) (20 minutes)


This active listening technique is very valuable when we are receiving non-verbal gestures of anger (e.g. turning away, rolling the eyes...''Are you fed up with the situation?” “ What's annoying you?”)

There is great value in allowing angry people to be really heard whether or not we feel their attacks are justified.

First bring down the emotional heat and avoid making statements of attack or defence that would cause a crisis to escalate.



Empathy 3.20

When we fully understand the problem we can respond more effectively. This may include pointing out errors of fact or interpretation. This sounds quite different to defence or counter-attack.

The aim is to improve communication in the relationship, both people hearing and being heard. When tempers are calmer, then real communication can begin.

Staying calm during a personal attack takes skill. This is a skill which can be learnt and needs persistent practise.

The point of change in a conflict situation is the point of communication. At this stage, the discussion can turn to: What do you need, not need? What do I need, not need? Can we fulfil these needs?

It's about being

Write on the board:

Hard on the problem

Soft on the person

and turning the conflict into

Write on the board:

Partners not opponents

OO. Reflection on Listening (2 minutes)

Read the poem on the handout: ''Listen''.



Empathy A.3.1

Empathy Activities

The DISC Exercise

Trainers Information Only

Context: The skill of empathy enriches interpersonal communication. When we can see how it is from the other side, we can often resolve the issue to everyone’s satisfaction more easily, and learn to value our differences. (See Chapter 3, Empathy Section B)

Time: 1 ½ hours

Aims: To learn that others have perspectives different to our own

To value these differences

To become aware that different approaches suit different behavioural styles.

Handouts: “Behavioural Style Questionnaire” (if using Method 1 below) and “DISC Model”

Requirements: Sufficient clear space for participants to move around.

Instructions: In this activity, you will be asked to move to one of four areas in the room. Each area represents a particular behavioural style. It is not about labelling or being categorised, but about tendencies. We all have aspects of each style but tend to lean towards one particular style especially when under stress. As well, we move In and out of each style depending on the situation. We may have a favourite style in our working environment and quite a different one at home. No behavioural style is better or worse than any other; each has its own strengths. Moving into one area is not a final decision. At any point during the exercise participants may change areas.

The purposes of the activity are:

• to consider the different types of behaviour we choose in different settings

• to identify the behavioural styles we frequently use

• to understand behavioural styles that are different from our own.

Split the group into four areas using one of the two methods below.



Empathy A.3.2

Method 1

Give out the handout: “Behavioural Style Questionnaire".

For this exercise you need to think about your behaviour in a specific setting. You behave differently in different settings. Think of how you behave at work, (or at home, in this organisation etc.). In particular, think how you behave during periods of pressure.

Quickly go through each of the four styles, marking those words or statements which describe the way you behave at work (or in the chosen setting.) Only tick those that you immediately or most clearly recognise. Don't ponder or change your responses too much. The spontaneous answer usually gives the best indication of where you place yourself today.

Now add up the number of marks in each section.

We are now going to move to different areas of the room.

Divide the room mentally for yourself as per the handout: “DISC Model''

Trainer at front of room

C

D

S

I

and direct people to the appropriate area.

Those with most marks in the section that starts ''Gives priority to achieving results”, move to the front of the room, on my left. (Trainer points) Those with most marks in the section that starts ''Gives priority to creating a friendly environment', move to the back of the room, on my left. Those with most marks in the section that starts ''Gives priority to supporting others'' move to the back of the room, on my right. Those with most marks in the section that starts ''Gives priority to detail and organisation", move to the front of the room, on my right.

Some participants may have two sections with the same ''highest" score. Do they feel they relate to one overall list better? Or do they feel they're more extroverted or introverted task or people oriented? If they can't decide, ask them to go to one of their highest scoring areas and, as the exercise proceeds, they may become clearer and can move if they choose.



Empathy A.3.3

Method 2

For this exercise you need to think about your behaviour in a specific setting, as you behave differently in different settings. Think of how you behave at work (or…at home, in this organisation etc.)

Ask the group:

Would you describe yourself as:

• more reserved and reflective – MOVE TO YOUR LEFT

(Trainer's right)

Or

• more outgoing and extroverted – MOVE TO YOUR RIGHT

(Trainer's left)

Then to the entire group:

Staying on your side of the room, move either to the front or the back, according to the descriptions I give you now. Listen to the entire description and feel where you most comfortably fit. Don't latch onto one word or phrase by which to include or exclude yourself. You're looking for the best general description of you.

To the more outgoing group:

Would you describe yourself as someone who tends to:

• seek challenges

• tell it how it is

• get the job done fast and efficiently

• focus on achieving results

• take initiative?

– MOVE TO THE FRONT OF THE ROOM



Empathy A.3.4

Or as someone who tends to:

• generate enthusiasm in others

• like working with others

• make sure there’s time to talk

• focus on an overall vision

• skim over the detail?

– MOVE TO THE BACK OF THE ROOM

To the more reserved group:

Would you describe yourself as someone who tends to:

• pay attention to detail

• approach tasks systematically and thoroughly

• set very high standards

• think critically and analytically

• organise tasks, files, drawers, cupboards etc very well?

– MOVE TO THE FRONT OF THE ROOM

Or as someone who tends to:

• work well as part of a team

• make yourself available for others

• maintain current arrangements

• take time to listen and consult

• smooth problems over to maintain good relationships?

– MOVE TO THE BACK OF THE ROOM



Empathy A.3.5

Small Group Discussion:

When the group has split into four areas, ask participants to consider the following questions in discussion with others in their area:

Think how you would approach another person who is causing you a difficulty. (e.g. your colleague hasn't delivered the report he/she promised.) Think of what you would say, the time, the place, the setting etc.

Now, think of yourself as a person causing difficulty for someone else (e.g. you haven't delivered a report that you had promised. Your colleague needs the report to proceed with his/her work.) How would you like to be approached?

Discussion: Ask participants in each area to share their responses with the large group. Note the words they use (perhaps on a board.) You could ask those in one area (e.g. D) how they would feel being approached in the manner another group (e.g. S) has described, and so on.


Ask each behavioural style to consider the following questions:

What do you really like about your particular style? What do you think its strengths are?

What do you feel uncomfortable about in your style? What do you think its limitations are?

What do you value about the other styles in the room? What do you find difficult about them?

Discussion: Ask each area to share their responses with the large group.

Comment that one person's need can hook into another person's fear, and this can increase conflict e.g. this group's (i.e. D) abrupt delegation of an ''out there in front'' job can terrify this group (i.e. S) who fear standing out.

Can you think of examples of these hooks operating in your interactions with people?

IDENTIFYING THE BEHAVIOURAL FRAMEWORK (DISC)

By now, participants have had the opportunity to see a framework emerging. The trainer can name each of the behavioural styles – DIRECT, INFLUENCING, STABILISING, CONSCIENTIOUS – if this hasn't already been done.

Give out the handout: ''DISC Model'' and link the descriptions with previous discussion.



Empathy A.3.6

When we're in conflict, we are often caught into thinking that we're right and others are wrong. In fact, it's often that others have a different way of approaching a difficulty, or that they need to concentrate on a different aspect of the problem before they move onto the part that we think is most significant.

Expanding our understanding of these differences, and valuing them, can help us to deal with conflict and to build a strong, co-operative approach to getting a job done.

When conflict is at the incident or misunderstanding level, we often hover in the centre of the behavioural styles, and adapt our behaviours readily and easily.

However, when we're under stress, such as conflict at tension or crisis level, we will often rely on a more narrow set of behaviours.

Elaborate on the styles by telling the following humorous stories.

There is a major change in the office. It's 9.00 o’ clock, Monday morning. How is each group handling it?

Direct: They have been there for an hour already, working out how to achieve the changes with the utmost efficiency and speed.

Influencing: They aren't in the office yet. They are downstairs in the coffee shop, talking with a colleague about something that will be very helpful in the change. They regard themselves as ''at work'' already.

Stabilising: They hope it's not going to be as disruptive as the last change. And they are not at all sure that everyone's needs have been considered and accommodated in the plans.

Conscientious: In the change, a new piece of equipment had to be purchased. They've spent a busy three weeks investigating and listing the positives and negatives of every feature of every brand on the market. They're sure they've made the right decision. Thank goodness the change has not thrown the filing system into disorder.

How does your group learn to swim?

Direct: They dive in the deep end. Lots of splashing, lots of action. The deeper the pool, the better. They take risks and show little fear.

Influencing: They have arranged to go with friends and have met them for breakfast beforehand. Learning with friends is sure to be more fun.

Stabilising: They tend to start on the edge of the pool with goggles and flippers. They prefer to be towards the back of the line to make sure others don't miss out on their turn.

Conscientious: They spend weeks in the library researching anatomy and physiology of swimming to really know what they will be learning. In selecting a swimming teacher, they have researched their credentials, their years of experience, and their membership of relevant swimming associations to ensure the best possible tuition.



Empathy A.3.7

Group Activity: Differences in Behavioural Style: Participants complete a handout to identify people with whom they often find themselves in conflict. What behavioural style do they find them using?

Give out the handout: “Differences in Behavioural Style”.

Allow 10 minutes.

Pair Discussion: Encourage participants to share their responses with a partner.


It's important to value differences. Different approaches lead to creative problem-solving. Understanding differences rather than judging them, encourages empathy, builds rapport, and helps build better relationships. ''You can complain the rose bushes have thorns or rejoice that thorn bushes have roses”. lt makes sense to look for the ''roses'' in people.

Whilst we lean towards one particular style; we have aspects of all of them.

Recognise and use the strengths and limitations of each behavioural style rather than making judgements about right or wrong. Build upon strengths and move beyond or around limitations and biases.

Capitalising on strengths builds self-esteem and confidence. This enables people to acknowledge limitations, without being hindered by them.

In teamwork, at certain times it may be more effective to utilise the strengths and expertise of other team members than to take the time and effort that is necessary for us to develop these skills. When delegating tasks, be aware of people's behavioural styles.

Ignorance of differences in behavioural styles can contribute to conflict. The more we understand and value the differences the easier it is to minimise difficulties.

Using a framework, such as DISC, can help to highlight individual needs and concerns. In a climate of co-operation, others are more likely to be supportive of our suggestions if they know that their needs and concerns have been considered.

Concluding Questions:

Think of a situation other than the one you originally considered e.g. home, member of a club or association. Would you use a different behavioural style in that setting?

Think back a few years. Would you have tended to use the same behavioural style, perhaps more or less strongly; or would you have used a different style more often?



Empathy A.3.8

If there's been a shift, or if you would be using a different style dependent on the situation, why is that? (After participants have responded, you might add: new skills, conscious attempts to modify behaviour already, expectations of others, demands of particular roles.)

Final Comments: Stress that these are behaviours. To some extent we can choose to continue these behaviours, particularly where they serve ours and others' purposes. Or we can add other behaviours to our repertoire so we can be more flexible.



Empathy A.3.9

Empathy Activities

Blocking Communication


Context: We often use statements either consciously or unconsciously, to block communication with others. (See Chapter 3. Empathy: Section C.)

Time: 10 minutes

Aim: To become aware of the statements we make to block communication with others.

Instructions: We're going to do a role play to find out what we say and do when we are excluding someone from a conversation.

Ask participants to move into groups of three and choose who will be Persons A, B and C.

Persons A and B, you are sitting together having an important conversation (e.g. topic relevant to group – office politics, introduction of new procedure, what to do on Saturday night.)

Person C enters and persistently wants to join in the discussion. Persons A and B don't want this. You do what you can to exclude Person C. Your aim is to have Person C leave.

Allow about 5 minutes and then bring them into the larger group.

Discussion: Ask participants to describe what happened.

Were Persons A and B successful in excluding Person C? How did you do it?

Persons C: Was there anything which you found particularly excluding?

How did it feel for each party?

Where was your focus: on the person or the problem?

What else could you have done to have your needs met?



Empathy A.3.10

Empathy Activities

Experiencing Empathy Blockers


Context: Empathy blockers arouse different responses in different people. (See Chapter 2 Empathy: section D.)

Time: 20 minutes

Aim: To experience the effect of empathy blockers.

Handout: “Empathy Blockers”

Requirements: Sets of empathy blocker cards if using Variation 2.

Instructions: Distribute the handout: “Empathy Blockers” . Ensure that participants understand the content.

In this activity, we will work in small groups to experience the impact of empathy blockers on conversation, and to become aware of the particular blockers we use and those which cause us to close down.

Divide into small groups of approximately five. Then give additional instructions according to one of the two variations below.

VARIATION 1

One person relates a problem (not too deep) and the other participants respond, in turn, using an empathy blocker of their choice.

Rotate roles so that each participant has a tum at receiving the group's empathy blockers

VARIATION 2

The names of the empathy blockers are written on separate cards. One complete set per group is issued, and turned upside down. Participants other than the problem-relater draw a card each and respond with the empathy blocker named. ln debriefing, participants can guess what empathy blocker each person was using. If time permits, rotate roles. A topic can be given to the problem-relater.



Empathy A.3.11

Discussion: How did it feel to receive the empathy blockers?

How did it feel to use an empathy blocker?

Were some more familiar than others?

Were some more difficult to deliver than others?

Were some more difficult to receive than others?

What was your reaction?



Empathy A.3.12

Empathy Activities

Experiencing the Difference Between Empathy Blockers and

Active Listening


Context: Communication can be killed by empathy blocking statements and encouraged by active listening. (See Chapter 3. Empathy: Section D.)

Time: 20 minutes

Aim: To experience the difference between the effect of an empathy blocker; and the effect of active listening.

Instructions: In this activity, we will work in pairs. Each person will have a turn at relating a concern or difficulty. The other person will respond first using empathy blockers and later using active listening.

Have group form pairs and choose Person A and Person B.

Round 1

Person A, you tell Person B something slightly upsetting or emotional which happened recently.

Person B, you respond with reassurance, attempting to make it better for Person A. For example: ''Oh don't worry about it," or “Let's have a cup of tea, then you'll feel better”.

Allow 2 minutes. Repeat the exercise using the same problem.

This time Person B, you practice empathy and active listening, really ''hearing'' the speaker, using active listening skills.

Allow 3 minutes.

Round 2

Reverse roles.

This time the listener uses the empathy blocker of topping, giving examples of stellar situations, basically cutting off the speaker e.g. ''Yes, that happened to me too" or "I had a friend who…”

Allow 2 minutes. Then, repeat the problem using active listening.

Allow 3 minutes.



Empathy A.3.13

Pair Discussion: Ask pairs to discuss what they noticed. Allow 3–4 minutes.

Discussion: What came out of that exercise for you?

How were your feelings different when you were responded to with empathy blockers and then with active listening?

How did it feel for the listener using empathy blockers and then active listening?



Empathy A.3.14

Empathy Activities

Static


Context: Meaning in communication is frequently lost or distorted if listeners don’t ask questions and check what they’ve heard. (See Chapter 3 Empathy: Section F.)

Time: 15 minutes

Aims: To experience the inadequacy and frustration of listening “passively”

To explore the way in which our own perceptions and projections distort what we hear and how we re-tell it.

Instructions: In this activity, we're going to pass a message along a line. We'll whisper, so only one person at a time hears the message. And at the end we'll see if any distortion has occurred. This is like the ''static'' or hiss in a bad telephone connection.

The group sits in a line or a circle, with some distance between each person. (lf the group is large, consider dividing it into two.)

The trainer reads a message (see below) to the first person, who whispers it to the next person and so on along the line.

The last person repeats it aloud to the group. The trainer then reads out the original message.

Two sample messages:

1) They don't want you to give them the house. They just need to use it because they are going into business and nee d all their capital. They feel you owe it to them. You could ha ve a real problem if you fight this.

2) Early one morning, a computer salesperson was dr iving a blue Porsche from Cabramatta to Penrith when the en gine stalled. Getting out of the car, going into a choco late shop, and explaining the difficulty, a sales assistant he lped out by pointing to a yellow phone.

Discussion: How much of the original message was lost or changed in the telling of it?

What could be done to keep the message more intact?

What affects the understanding of a message? (After participants have responded you might add: emotions involved, prejudice, words used, context, number of elements, underlying intent of both speaker and listener, attention of the listener.)



Empathy A.3.15

Empathy Activities

Back-to-Back Drawing


Context: We each have our own perception of things. In conflict it is our differing perceptions which often inflame the situation. Language is frequently an imperfect tool for conveying what we mean. (See Chapter 3 Empathy: Sections F, G and I.)

Time: 20 minutes

Aims: To explore some problems inherent in communication

To emphasise the difficulties of communicating complete and accurate messages.

Requirements: Blank paper, coloured pens.

Instructions: In this activity, working in pairs, we'll try to reproduce the drawing our partner does to explore some important features of communication.

Divide the group into pairs with Partners A and B sitting back-to-back.

Then give them additional instructions according to one of the three variations below.

VARIATION 1

Round 1

Partner A describes to Partner B what A has drawn. Partner A aims to give Partner B sufficient information for Partner B to accurately reproduce the drawing. B remains silent.

Allow 3 minutes. Then reverse roles.

Round 2

Partner A describes the drawing as before. This time partner B asks questions and reflects back to partner A.

Allow 5 minutes. Then reverse roles.



Empathy A.3.16

VARIATION 2

Two rounds as above, only allowing description of the parts of the drawing e.g. not ''it's a house", but "it's a square with a triangle on top".

Allow 3 minutes for each step in Round 1, and 5 minutes for each step in Round 2.

VARIATION 3

Partner A you draw a picture. The aim is for Partner B to reproduce Partner A's drawing. There are only two rules; one, pairs must stay back-to-back; and two, pairs must not look at each others drawings until I tell you the time is up.

Allow 3–5 minutes. Then reverse roles.

Discussion: Choose questions appropriate to the variation you used. If you used Variation 1 or 2, you may want to insert some discussion between Rounds 1 and 2.

Did either Partner A or Partner B feel confused or frustrated? Why? What caused this confusion to arise? (After participants have responded, you might add, pre-conceived notions, differing perceptions and assumptions, different understandings of terminology like inches/centimetres, Partner A leaving out important details etc.)

What was it like not to see each other? (Non-verbal components are intrinsic to communication. ln many cases, non-verbal communication is more powerful than verbal e.g. in conveying emotions, attitudes, reactions to situations and what sort of people we are.)

What could you do to improve the communication? (See Section H: Asking Questions.)

How was Round 2 different from Round 1? Was it more satisfying? Were the reproductions more accurate?

Did asking questions encourage the speaker to become more specific and detailed in the information being volunteered?

Did you become more aware of the assumptions that you were making? How did you see beyond those?


We all have differing perceptions of things. Words conjure different images and meanings for different people in different contexts.

Conflicts often pivot on our different understandings of words. (E.g. What's fair? What's tidy? What's complete?) Checking and rechecking with the other person can prevent and overcome confusion.

Becoming clear on what others mean when they speak is a wonderful empathy-builder.



Empathy A.3.17

Empathy Activities

Shopping List


Context: Communication is enhanced when the listener plays an active role. (See Chapter 3. Empathy: Section G.)

Time: 15 minutes

Aim: To experience the effectiveness of questions in improving communication.

Instructions: This activity will explore some of the ingredients of clear communication. There will be two rounds, with some discussion at the end of each round.

Divide the group into pairs, with Partners A and B.

Round 1

Partner A, think of five items that you would like partner B to buy. Arrange with Partner B as though B were about to go and buy them. (The trainer can suggest grocery items, office supplies, or whatever is appropriate to the group.)

Allow 2 minutes. Then, lead a large group discussion.

Discussion: Ask a few partners B what they are going to buy. Explore the details:

e.g. What size block of cheese?

What variety of milk – low fat, whole, skim, etc?

Does Person A have a particular greengrocer in mind?

Who is going to pay for it?

Do you need receipts?

Who did you consider was responsible for ensuring the communication was clear?

How successful would Partners B have been in making the purchases?

What can be done to ensure that Partners A receive exactly what they want?



Empathy A.3.18

Explore: Partners A could have volunteered more information.

Partners B could have asked more questions.

(See Empathy. Section H: Asking Questions.)

Instructions: Round 2

Ask partners to reverse roles. Ask the speaker to do as before or change the scenario e.g. arrange to go out to dinner. Place the emphasis on the listener asking questions to elicit information.

Allow 3 minutes.

Discussion: Was your communication more effective when listeners participated actively?

Did the speakers begin to volunteer more information?

Were there any difficulties in constructing appropriate questions?



Empathy A.3.19

Empathy Activities

Identifying Feelings and Responding


Context: Active listening requires that we identify the feelings the speaker is expressing.

Time: 10 minutes

Aim: To practice identifying feelings and responding to them.

Handout: “Identifying Feelings and Responding”

Instructions: In this activity, we will complete a worksheet developing appropriate active listening responses.

Ask participants:

• to read each statement

• to identify the feeling being expressed

• to write an appropriate active listening response.

Discussion: Choose some examples and ask what participants have written. Ask if there are any that participants found difficult and consider these more closely.

Invite comments and insights.


Often a person's underlying feeling is masked by anger or frustration at someone or something else.

Sometimes a person's feeling is expressed as an action or as a description.

It can be difficult to be certain what feeling is being expressed, so we need to be cautious in our response, and show a willingness to be corrected – to have the person say "No, it's not that. It's..."



Empathy A.3.20

Empathy Activities

Active Listening to Affirm


Context: In a conflict situation, often people’s most important need is to sort out their own ideas and feelings. Finding someone who can act as a sounding board can help them to do this. (See Chapter 3. Empathy: Section I.)

Time: 40 minutes

Aim: To practice active listening in order to affirm the other person, and to acknowledge and explore a situation.

Instructions: Listening to affirm is a skill which needs plenty of practice. Working with a partner, we will each have the opportunity to try our active listening skills.

Divide the group into pairs.

Round 1

Partners A, you choose a matter which is of concern to you. Choose something which has some degree of emotional importance to you, and about which you are willing to talk to partner B.

Partners B, you listen very attentively to Partner A, reflecting back the essence of what you hear. Rely mainly on paraphrasing and summarising what partner A says. Allow there to be some silences, and only probe with questions when the flow from partner A diminishes. Take care that your questions don't lead away from Partner A's main concerns.

Allow 10 minutes.

Pair Discussion: Ask partners to share with each other what they experienced.

How did it feel to be listened to so attentively?

What worked and what didn't?

What areas can be improved?



Empathy A.3.21

Round 2

Reverse activity: speaker becomes listener, listener becomes speaker. Allow ten minutes, followed by partner discussion, then entire group discussion.

Discussion: Did speakers say more than you thought you would? Why did that happen?

Did speakers feel heard? If so, what gave you that feeling?

Did listeners find yourself wanting to give advice, reassure, share your own experience? Were you able to refrain from doing so?

Were there spaces in the conversation? How did that feel? Did either person want to fill them in?



Empathy H.3.1

Behavioural Style Questionnaire

Gives priority to detail and organisation

Sets exacting standards

Approaches tasks and people with steadiness

Enjoys research and analysis

Prefers operating within guidelines

Completes tasks thoroughly

Focuses attention on immediate task

Likes accuracy

Makes decisions on thorough basis

Values standard procedures highly

Approaches work systematically

Likes to plan for change

Total:

…..

….

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

___

___

Gives priority to achieving results

Seeks challenges

Approaches tasks and people with clear goals

Is willing to confront

Makes decisions easily

Is keen to progress

Feels a sense of urgency

Acts with authority

Likes to take the lead

Enjoys solving problems

Questions the status quo

Takes action to bring about change

Total:

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

___

___

Gives priority to supporting others

Enjoys assisting others

Approaches people and tasks with quiet and caution

Has difficulty saying no

Values co-operation over competition

Eager to get on with others

Willing to show loyalty

Calms excited people

Listens well/ attentively

Prefers others to take the lead

Gives priority to secure relationships and arrangements

Prefers steady not sudden change

Total:

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

___

___

Gives priority to creating a friendly environment

Likes an informal style

Approaches people and tasks with energy

Emphasises enjoying oneself

Rates creativity highly

Prefers broad approach to details

Likes participating in groups

Creates a motivational environment

Acts on impulse

Willing to express feelings

Enjoys discussing possibilities

Keen to promote change

Total:

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

___

___

This questionnaire is to be used as a guide only. It has not been validated. For an accurate behavioural style questionnaire we recommend completion of the full Personal Profile System, available from Inscape Publishing, Inc. or

Integro Learning Company P/L, PO Box 6120, Frenchs Forest DC NSW 2086 Australia

.

The DISC Model was initiated by William Moulton Marston PhD (1893-1947) and expanded upon by Dr John Geier for Performax, now Inscape Publishing, Inc. as part of their Personal Profile System. For more information on questionnaires and courses contact Inscape or the Australian Distributor Integro Learning Company P/L, PO Box 6120, Frenchs Forest DC NSW

2086 Australia.

Empathy H3.2

DISC Model

People have a variety of preferred and habitual ways of behaving and responding, depending on the context. When communication is difficult, it can be helpful to tailor your approach to suit others' preferences and habits. Within any behavioural style, people can be both skilled at getting the job done and getting along with others. Once aware of areas needing improvement, people can often develop new skills, to increase the flexibility of their behavioural repertoire.

Introverted Extroverted

Tas

k or

ient

ated

CONSCIENTIOUS

DIRECT

Task O

rientated

Behaviours

Reserved

Approaches work systematically

Pays attention to details

Focuses attention

on immediate task

Prefers to stack to established guidelines & practices

Likes to plan for change

Needs

High standards

Appreciation

Quality work

Fears

Criticism of work

Imperfection

Not having things adequately explained

Behaviours

Outgoing

Challenges status quo

Keen to get things done

Resists authority

Likes to take the lead

Takes action to bring about change

Needs

Results

Recognition

Challenges

Fears

Challenges to their authority

Lack of results from others

Peo

ple

Orie

ntat

ed

STABILISING

INFLUENCING P

eople Orientated

Behaviours

Reserved

Works well in a team

Accommodates others

Maintains status quo

Recovers slowly from hurt

Prefers steady not sudden change

Needs

Security

Acceptance

Teamwork

Fears

Isolation

Standing out as better or worse

Unplanned challenges

Behaviours

Outgoing

Leads by enthusing others

Prefers a global approach

Steers away from details

Acts on impulse

Keen to promote change

Needs

Change

Acknowledgement

New trends and ideas

Fears

Disapproval

Stagnation

Detailed work

Introverted Extroverted



Appropriate Assertiveness 4. 1

Differences in Behavioural Style

Who have you noticed using these behavioural styles? Direct: ____________________________________________________ Influencing: ________________________________________________ Stabilising: _________________________________________________ Conscientious: ______________________________________________

Think of someone with whom you often find yourself in conflict. What is the behavioural style you often notice them using?

How might knowing this help you to communicate, work more co-operatively, and be less judging of their behavioural style?

How could you modify your behaviour to address their needs better?

If you did modify your behaviour, how might their response be different?




Empathy Blockers

Communication Killers, Fouls!

Who does it?

Self Other

DOMINATION

Threatening: ''If you are not able to get to work on time we'll have to review your job here?", "Do it or else."

Ordering: "I'll see you immediately in my office.", "Don't ask me why, just do it because I said so."

Criticising: "You don't work hard enough.", "You're always complaining."

Name-calling: ''Only an idiot would say that.", "You stupid fool." "You're neurotic.''

“Should’'ing or "Ought”ing: "You ought to face the facts.", ''You shouldn't be so angry."

MANIPULATION Withholding Relevant Information: "If you knew more about this you would see it differently."

Interrogating: ''How many hours did this take you?" ''How much did this cost?" Why are you so late?" ''What are you doing now?"

Praising to Manipulate: "You're so good at report writing, I'd like you to do this one."

DISEMPOWERMENT Diagnosing Motives: ''You are very possessive." "You've always had a problem with time management."

Untimely Advice: "I don't seem to be managing.'' "If you'd just straighten up your desk you would not be in this panic.” ''Why didn't you do it this way?" ''Just Ignore him."

Changing the Topic: "I'm worried about my son's progress at school”. ''Yes it is a worry...Did I tell you that I'm applying for a new job?"

Persuading with Logic: ''There's nothing to be upset about. It's all quite reasonable – we just... then we...".

Topping: "I smashed the car last week...... '' ''When I smashed my car..."

DENIAL Refusing to Address the Issue: ''There's nothing to discuss. I can't see any problems."

Reassuring: ''Don't be nervous.", ''Don't worry, it will work out.", ''You'll be fine."




Create Empathy

Listen with your head and your heart. Empathy is sensing another's feelings and attitudes as if we had experienced them ourselves. It is our willingness to enter another's world, and being able to communicate to that person our sensitivity to them. It is not blind sentimentality; it always retains some objectivity and distance. We do not lose our own identity, though we discover our common humanity.

Create empathy by: • taking seriously others' needs and concerns • valuing feelings and attitudes • respecting others' privacy, experience and values • listening actively • encouraging further elaboration and clarification • using open body language and a warm vocal tone • reserving judgement and blame • displaying interest in what others communicate • withholding unsought advice • supporting others' attempts to find a solution • making affirming statements and gestures.

Empathy uncovers complex

needs and concerns. encourages blossoming and growth

improves relationships supports confidence and self-knowledge.




Identifying Feelings and Responding

Label the feeling in these statements, and give an appropriate response. Avoid parroting the speaker. Instead, active listen to paraphrase the statement. Your response may be a question. When you try to label other people's feelings, you need a tentative, inquiring approach or have a question in your tone of voice.

Feeling Example: I really hate him Anger

Response: You feel really angry with him?

Feeling 1. I'm not much good at anything

Response ______________________________________________________

2. I can't sense feelings like others can Response ______________________________________________________

3. I'm a lousy parent Response ______________________________________________________

4. I don't know what to do Response ______________________________________________________

5. I've had nothing but trouble from this organisation Response ______________________________________________________

6. I can't get along with them at all Response ______________________________________________________

7. I have difficulty meeting people Response ______________________________________________________

8. I'd looked forward to the holiday but it was pretty lonely Response ______________________________________________________

9. I just can't cope Response ______________________________________________________

10. There never seems to be anyone to help me Response ______________________________________________________

11. I need some time to myself Response ______________________________________________________

12. People just don't listen Response ______________________________________________________




Active Listening... Some Helpful Hints

Things to Try Things to Avoid Put the focus of attention totally on the speaker.

Repeat conversationally and tentatively, in your words, your understanding of the speaker's meaning.

Feed back feelings, as well as content. (Probe, if appropriate e.g. ''How do you feel about that?" or "How did that affect you?")

Reflect back not only to show you understand, but also so the speaker can hear and understand his or her own meaning.

Try again if your active listening statement is not well received.

Be as accurate in the summary of the meaning as you can.

Challenge powerlessness and hopelessness subtly (e.g. try "It is hopeless'' instead of "It seems hopeless to you right now.” Try ''You can't find anything that could fix it?” instead of “There’s nothing I can do”).

Allow silences in the conversation.

Notice body shifts and respond to them by waiting. Then, e.g. ''How does it all seem to you now?"

Avoid talking about yourself.

Reject introducing your own reactions or well intentioned comments.

Try not to ignore feelings in the situation.

Avoid advising, diagnosing, baiting, reassuring, encouraging or criticising.

Dispense with thinking about what you will say next.

Avoid parroting the speaker's words or only saying "mm" or ''ah, hah''.

Don't pretend that you have understood if you haven't.

Avoid letting the speaker drift to less significant topics because you haven't shown you've understood.

Avoid fixing, changing, or improving what the speaker has said.

Don't change topics.

Resist filling in every space with your talk.

Don't neglect the non-verbal content of the conversation.




Active Listening for Different Purposes

SKILLS

PURPOSES

Non-verbal Skills Following Skills Reflecting Skill s

To Gain Information

to find out the details of what another is saying.

to clarify instructions and to gain information.

Use appropriate body language – nodding, noting, recording, watching. Focus your concentration, block out distractions.

Ask many questions. Write notes. Use memory joggers.

Confirm your understanding by repeating key points.

To Give Affirmation

to show empathy and give acknowledgement.

to help the speaker hear and understand his or her own meaning.

Choose a non-distracting and comfortable environment. Is privacy needed? Remove inappropriate physical barriers e.g. large desk Consider moving closer to the speaker. Adopt an open, encouraging posture with welcoming gestures, and appropriate eye contact to show attention and involvement.

Use minimal verbal encouragers – such as ''mm'' and ''ah hah". Ask only occasional questions. Allow attentive silences.

Reflect back both feelings and content. Use your own words to feed back your understanding of the speaker's meaning. Summarise the major concerns. Use a tone of voice that shows warmth and interest.

To Respond To Inflammation

to let the speaker know you've heard the complaint, the anger and/or the accusation.

to defuse the strong emotions.

Avoid defensive or aggressive posture and gestures. Consider extra distance to make you feel safe. Use attentive eye contact and an assertive stance.

Use obvious verbal indicators that you've understood – a clear ''yes'', a strong "OK". Ask questions to understand the basis of the attack.

As for listening to affirm (above). In reflecting back, try to put some heat in your voice (not a flat tone), gradually reducing it as the speaker ''cools'' down.




Listen

When I ask you to listen to me

and you start giving advice

you have not done what I asked.


and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way,

you are trampling on my feelings.


and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems,

you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I ask is that you listen.

Not talk or do – just hear me.

Advice is cheap: 50 cents will get you both Dorothy Dix and

Dr Spock in the same newspaper.

And I can DO for myself ; I'm not helpless.

Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do

for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.

But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel,

no matter how irrational, then I quit trying to convince

you and can get about the business of understanding what's

behind this irrational feeling.

And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don 't

need advice.

So, please listen and just hear me, and if you want to talk,

wait a minute for your turn; and I'll listen to you.

Anonymous





Objectives: To explore the differences between aggressive, passive and assertive behaviours.

To learn the formula for "I" Statements. To develop and practise the skill of active listening.

Session Times: 2 ½ hours: Sections A–F

1 ½ hours: Sections A, D, E

1 hour: Section D


Sections: A. Distinguishing between Aggressive, Passive and Assertive Behaviour 4.10

B. Understanding our Responses to Conflict 4.11

C. Needs and Rights 4.12

D. "I" Statements 4.13

E. After an "I" Statement: Where to Next? 4.20

F. Additional Assertiveness Activities 4.22

Activities: React or Respond A.4.1

Creating a Bill of Assertive Rights A.4.3

Formulating "I" Statements A.4.5

Experiencing the Difference between Aggressive and Assertive Styles A.4.7

Broken Record Technique A.4.9




Handouts: Section A: Will you React or Respond? H.4.1

Fight, Flight, Flow H.4.2

Section C: A Bill of Assertive Rights H.4.3

Section D: "I" Statements H.4.1





Saying How it is from My Side

PP. Distinguishing between Aggressive, Passive and Assertive Behaviour

(25 minutes)

Question: Think of a recent conflict. How did you respond?

Discussion: Ask participants to write down their answers. Then write them on the board as a basis for discussion. Ask participants if they can group types of behaviour e.g. withdrawing, changing the subject, walking away – flight etc. As these emerge from your discussion, identify and write on the board:

BEHAVIOURS:

Fight

Flight

Flow

Link this discussion with the material covered in Chapter 1. Win/Win Approach.

Question: When we're about to behave in ''fight'' mode, do we have different physical and thought reactions than those we have when we're about to react in ''flight'' mode?

Acknowledge responses from participants.

If we're able to recognise these reactions, we may then be able to choose a different and often more appropriate behaviour in response to the conflict.

If there’s time for more detailed teaching, consider the material pp.6–22 Helena Cornelius and Shoshana Faire, Everyone Can Win 2nd edition. (Sydney: Simon & Schuster (Australia) P/L, 2006),

Group Activity: React or Respond: participants complete a handout: "Will you React or Respond?” to raise their awareness of the physical and mental components of their reaction to conflict. (See Appropriate Assertiveness Activities page A.4.1) (15 minutes)

Give out the handout: ''Fight, Flight, Flow'' to highlight the differences between each approach.




QQ. Understanding our Responses to Conflict (15 minutes)

Question: What is your most usual response to conflict?

Question: Are there times and places when you respond in one way, and others when you respond in another? What are they? What influences this pattern of response?

Reflection: Ask participants to write their answers down and then to reflect on the reasons they behave that way. The trainer reads a series of questions, pausing briefly between each, to help focus this reflection.

If Fight is your most frequent response, ask yourself:

• Why do I need to be in control?

• How would I feel if I found out I was wrong?

• Do I make myself feel good by proving that I am better than others?

• Do I feel that everyone ought to have the same values as me?

• Should I perhaps question some of my own opinions?

• What's not working for me anymore?

If Flight is the way you mostly respond, ask yourself:

• Do I really think the other person doesn't suspect I'm upset?

• What damage to the relationship is my withdrawal doing?

• Is it fear, habit or anger that prevents me from speaking?

• Are my feelings as important as the other person's?

• Am I frightened of the other person's anger, or of damaging the relationship?

• What's the worst that can happen if I speak?

If Flow is the way you'd like to respond more often, ask yourself:

• Do I have needs and rights which I need to acknowledge?

• Do I need to become more aware of the needs and rights of others?

• Do I need to develop my skills in explaining more clearly what I need and what I deserve?




RR. Needs and Rights (15 minutes)

Question: Are there times in your life when you feel you're n ot as assertive as you would like to be?

Question: How do you feel afterwards as a result of not being assertive?


• cheated

• trodden on

• taken advantage of

• Over-ridden.

It may be that we're lacking a skill: we just don't know how to be assertive in that situation or setting. Or it may be that we don't have a clear idea about our needs in the situation.

Question: Why might we not have a clear idea about our needs in the situation?


• We may never have been encouraged to identify our own needs.

• We may be so used to thinking about others' needs, that we never stop to think of our own.

• There may be messages from our past that lead us to think that it's selfish to consider our own needs.

Becoming aware of our needs in a situation is a fundamental step in becoming appropriately assertive. Knowing what our needs are doesn't mean that we have to demand that they be met. Rather, it means we can make more reasoned choices about appropriate action. We may want to negotiate to have these needs met in the situation, or we may seek to have them met in some other way or in some other setting. We may become clear about the priority of our needs – perhaps some have to be met now, whereas others can be put on hold for a while. We may choose in some situations to attend to others' needs first; or in such a case, perhaps in meeting someone else's needs, we may be meeting one of our own superordinate needs. (For example, parents will meet their baby's need for food, not satisfying their own need for sleep, but perhaps satisfying a superordinate need to be a good parent.)

To help us acknowledge what our needs are, it can be helpful to have a sense of what it is reasonable and fair for us to expect in a situation. We may be aware often of others' claims on us and what they deserve and need, but we may not have a framework of RIGHTS for ourselves.




Question: What's our understanding of the term ''right''?

Discussion: Draw out participants' responses. In addition, you might offer a definition: ''that which is due to anyone by just claim'' from The Macquarie Essential Dictionary (Macquarie Library, 1999).

There are a variety of rights: legal, moral, human. What we're talking about here are rights which arise from the conventions of interpersonal communication: what it is reasonable for us to expect in our relationships and in our communications with others. Having a sense of what our rights are may help us to feel that our needs are valid and it is therefore appropriate that we seek to have them met.

Conclude by distributing and discussing the handout: "A Bill of Assertive Rights'' or by doing the following activity.

Group Activity: Creating A Bill of Assertive Rights: participants identify situations in which they find it difficult to be assertive and then work out their rights in these situations. (See Appropriate Assertiveness Activities page A.4.3) (30 minutes)

SS. "I" Statements (45 minutes)

Question: Think of a recent occasion when you wanted to let s omeone else know that you were unhappy or dissatisfied with som ething. What did you want to say?

Ask participants to write down what they wanted to say.

Question: Why is it difficult to say some things to one perso n and yet not to another?


• inappropriate time and situation

• type of relationship

• difficulty finding a tactful way to express it

• fear of the other person becoming defensive or abusive.

There are lots of ways that we can respond to conflict. Sometimes it's appropriate to withdraw, and deal with the issue in some other way or at another time. Sometimes we have legitimate needs and rights to which we want to stay true while acknowledging that others also have needs and rights.

Frequently, the tricky part is knowing how to express what we're feeling to another person so that person does not become defensive.




When we're in conflict, it's often as if we're standing in two rooms across a corridor. Each of us is protected and safe in our own room and every so often we lean out and throw abuse, or tell the other person what he or she needs to do to fix the situation. For example ''If you arrived on time, then we wouldn't have these problems'' or ''If you weren't so lazy, then things would run smoothly''.

The problem with this is we often don't make any progress solving the problem. We just stay locked in our own rooms with our own ideas, that we're right and the other person is wrong.

So, what we need is a bridge across the corridor, to move us into the same room to start talking. We need an opener for a conversation with the other person.

Question: Are some of you familiar with the concept of an "I" statement?

An "I" statement is like a recipe with three main ingredients. You’ll come across a number of variations. Here’s our preferred one:

Write on the board:

The Action

My Response

My Preferred Outcome

The quality of the ingredients is what determines the flavour of the final product. Similarly, just how effective an "I" statement is, will depend on the quality of these ingredients.

Expand on each of these ingredients as follows:

THE ACTION

Imagine we're trying to make a point in a meeting, or to tell a story, or present an argument, and we find that we can't complete it because someone else keeps ''interrupting''. In fact, this person frequently ''interrupts'' us. ("Interrupting'' is in inverted commas because it is only one person's interpretation of the event.)

Question: How might we feel about this?


• angry

• frustrated

• upset.




Depending on how upset we are, and how important the issue is to us, we may decide to ''tackle'' or ''confront'' the other person. (Note words like tackle or confront, imply some type of battle. They come from a win/lose perspective.)

We might say something like: "I'm sick of you interrupting me'' or "I want you to stop interrupting me'' or ''Whenever I start talking, you interrupt me and never let me finish”.

Question: How is the other person likely to react to such sta tements?


• become defensive

• start to attack

• retreat

• apologise and leave it unresolved.

Question: What are the main messages of such statements?


• The other person is wrong.

• It's nothing to do with me, it's all your fault.

• If you'd behave differently, everything would be OK.

• I'm OK you're not.

If we're wanting to build a bridge so we can start talking with another person, then statements that blame and accuse are not likely to work. We need to find a different way of communicating our concerns.

Question: How could we construct a statement which begins wit h a non- blaming description of this difficulty?

Discussion: If participants are able to give appropriate examples, use the information below to highlight the structure of the examples. If they are having difficulties, provide this information first to assist them.

To do this, it's useful to think of the following:

What we're trying to achieve is an ''objective description”.

Add the words:

The Action Objective Description




A way to do this is to start our statement with the word "when”.

Add the word:

The Action Objective When… Description

and to try not to use emotive language like ''interrupt" or the word "you”.

Add the crossed out word:

The Action Objective When… Description

Add the word:

Often, as soon as people hear ''you'', they feel they are being accused, so they want to protect themselves. It's often difficult for people to hear what's wrong with them, but not so hard to hear what's not working for the person speaking.

Consider further alternatives offered by participants. You might then give the following example:

''When I'm not able to finish what I'm saying...''

This is a clean statement of how I perceive the event or the action, and is not burdened with value or emotional judgement.

MY RESPONSE

Often, when something has happened to upset us, the other person is unaware of how we feel. He or she may simply not realise that his or her actions are irritating us.

Saying how we feel gives valuable information to the other person. In some cases the other person will respond with an offer to do something different. If the conflict is entrenched, or it's over an issue that is significant to both, it may not be that simple.

When we feel angry, we often want to blame the other person for the pain, the inconvenience or the annoyance, and our tendency is to make the other person responsible for how we feel.

For example, ''You make me so angry”.

you




Question: How might the other person react to this?


• feel defensive

• think it's unfair

• feel guilty.

Question: Instead, how could I give an accurate statement of my response?

Discussion: Depending on the responses of participants, give them the following information to guide or to summarise:

A key to describing our response clearly is to ensure that we don't blame the other person.

Add the words.

My Response No Blame

and it is helpful to start this part of the statement with the words "I feel'' to describe our feelings or "I feel like'' to describe what we want to do.

Add the words:

My Response No Blame I feel or I feel like

Consider further alternatives offered by participants. You might then give the following example:

''When I'm not able to finish what I'm saying, I feel frustrated..."

or

"...I feel like leaving the meeting...''

"I feel like'' or “I want to” is a more appropriate response in some settings. Or, if we're having difficulty working out just how we feel, we may find it easier to identify what we feel like doing.

To say how we feel without blaming the other person contributes to building empathy. It sometimes also pushes us to explore our response. Under our anger or our upset there may be other feelings such as ''overburdened'' or ''unacknowledged''. If we just continue to blame the other person, then we may have lost the opportunity to identify these feelings, our needs, and the change we want.




MY PREFERRED OUTCOME

When we raise an issue with another person, knowing what outcome we want can give direction to further discussion.

However, let's take care in how we define ''outcome''. We don't want the other person to feel backed into a corner, or that we're unwilling to negotiate.

Sometimes, when we're upset, we become focused on the other person fixing the situation.

Thinking of our example again, we may be tempted to say: ''...and I want you to keep quiet until I've finished”.

Question: How might the other person react to this?

Discussion: Draw out participants' response. In addition, you might consider:

• might agree

• might rebel

• might submit begrudgingly.

Question: How could I, instead, say what I wanted without exp ecting the other person to fix it?

Discussion: Depending on the responses of participants, give them the following information to guide or to summarise.

It's important in stating our preferred outcome not to place any demand on the other person.

Add the words.

My Preferred No Demand Outcome

and it's helpful to start this part of the statement with the words "And what I'd like is that I..."

Add the words.

My Preferred No Demand And what I’d like is Outcome that I…

Consider alternatives offered by participants. You might then give the following example:

"When I'm not able to finish what I'm saying, I feel frustrated, and what I'd like is that I am able to complete all I want to say”.




The sentence created should be able to be paraphrased as ''And what I'd like is that l am able to...'' These exact words may be clumsy in some situations, but the implied meaning should be there.

Outcome, in this sense, is a broad idea of how I want the situation to be. It reflects my needs but it doesn't specify a solution. By leaving it open, it leaves space for the other person to give his/her side of the story before settling on a solution; or in more complex issues before negotiating to decide on a solution.

(In this case, if it was a meeting setting, examples of possible solutions could be:

• making sure each person says all that he/she wants to say without interruption

• setting a time limit for each person

• establishing a protocol for interruption e.g. raising a hand

• ensuring that, after an interruption, attention returns to the original speaker etc.)

Ask participants to refer back to the statements they wrote down at the beginning of this section.

Question: Do the statements you wrote down at the beginning o f this section include any of these elements?

Give participants a moment or two to look over their statements.

Group Activity: Formulating "I" Statements: working in groups of three, participants practise constructing "I" statements. (See Appropriate Assertiveness Activities p A.4.5.) (40 minutes)

Give out the handout: "I" Statements''


As we become proficient in making "I" statements, we can rely less on the formula and still include the main elements of speaking:

• from my perspective, using "I" language not ''you'' language

• as objectively as possible

• without blaming

• without demanding.

"I" statements can still be delivered when we are highly emotional, in the midst of a heated argument. They are likely to do less damage to the long term relationship than a ''you'' statement.




It takes practice to construct "I" statements with ease. It also takes practice to deliver them without them sounding stilted and clumsy.

This is partly because we need to find words that are right for each of us and which incorporate these three elements. As well, whenever we learn a new skill, it doesn't seem natural at first. With practice, however, new skills become automatic. Think of driving a car, for instance.

Write the following model of the four stages of learning on the board:

• Unconsciously unskilled – When you're not even aware that you don't have a particular skill.

• Consciously unskilled – When you become conscious that there is a skill (e.g. driving) which you can acquire (when you're older).

• Consciously skilled – When you first learn a skill (driving) and it takes all your concentration to perform it.

• Unconsciously skilled – When you have become so proficient at the skill (of driving) that you no longer have to concentrate on it. You do it automatically, which frees you up to focus on the particular situation (in this case, the road, the traffic etc.)

So it is with "I" Statements. With practice we become unconsciously skilled in the formula of an "I" Statement and we can concentrate on the feelings and events of the moment.

TT. After an "I" Statement: Where to Next? (15 minutes)

Question: When we make an "I" Statement how can we gauge the other person's response?


• facial expression

• body language for signs of tension and discomfort

• active listening.

Question: Why might an "I" Statement not be well received?


• The other person has issues relating to this topic which need to be addressed. (See Chapter 7. Willingness to Resolve.)

• The "I" statement may not have been constructed as cleanly or clearly as intended; or it may sound stilted and insincere; or it might sound too subjective.




• The underlying intent may have been to blame. Even though the verbal message may have taken an "I" statement form, the body language and tone of voice may have conveyed another message.

Question: After we've delivered an "I" Statement, if the othe r person becomes defensive or doesn't make an offer to contr ibute to a solution, what can we do?

Discussion: Draw out participants' responses. In addition, you might explore.

• active listen to that person's view of the situation

• check our intent

• centre ourselves

• construct another "I" statement, perhaps this time about our need to have the situation addressed

• point out the consequences of not addressing the situation

• indicate what our solution will be, if the other person is not willing to contribute to a solution

• try another CR tool.

During discussion that follows an "I" Statement, it can be useful to cover these points:

• Be clear on the outcome and flexible on the route. Let go of a particular position or idea in response to new information from the other person.

• Put aside judgements. Often we feel someone ''should'' or ''shouldn't'' do something. This can inhibit finding a solution.

• Deal with our own desire to blame. Instead, focus on our own feelings to uncover their source. People find it difficult to hear criticisms of themselves. They find it much easier to hear how we are feeling about a situation.

• Focus on the good purpose. It can help reduce our own negativity if we remind ourselves that in many cases, people are not setting out to hurt us. They have good intentions in what they did, or they just may not have considered what impact their actions would have on us. The good purpose does not necessarily justify what went wrong, but understanding it may change the emotional climate.




UU. Additional Assertiveness Activities (30minutes)

Experiencing the Difference Between Aggressive and Assertive Styles: working in pairs, participants gain a felt sense of the difference between aggressive and assertive behaviour. (See Appropriate Assertiveness Activities page A.4.7) (30 minutes)

Broken Record Technique: many people find it difficult to maintain an assertive response when under pressure from another person. Working in pairs participants practise this skill. (See Appropriate Assertiveness Activities page A.4.9.) (20 minutes)



Appropriate Assertiveness A.4.1

Appropriate Assertiveness Activities

React or Respond


Context: When faced with conflicts, there are physical, mental, emotional and behavioural components to our reaction. Becoming aware of these components helps people choose a better response. (See Chapter 4, Appropriate Assertiveness, Section A. p 4.3 and Helena Cornelius and Shoshana Faire, Everyone Can Win 2nd edition. (Sydney: Simon & Schuster (Australia) P/L, 2006), pp.6–22.)

Time: 15 minutes

Aims: To identify physical and mental components of our reaction to conflict

To consider how our reaction can be transformed into an appropriate response.

Handout: “Will You React or Respond?”

Instructions: We're going to complete a handout to consider what happens physically and in our thoughts when we react to conflict both in "fight" and in ''flight''. When we've completed the handout we'll discuss what we notice with a partner.

Give out the handout: "Will you React or Respond?"

Think for a moment about ways that you behave in "fight" mode. What happens physically and what thoughts run through your mind when you're about to behave in these ways? Write your answers down on the handout.

If some participants seem to be having difficulty add:

Perhaps you might feel certain muscles becoming tense, particularly those around your jaw and neck. Maybe you feel an adrenalin rush. You might say to yourself "I'll show him''; "I'll put her in her place''; "He's always a pain"; or "It's her fault''.


Now, think for a moment about ways that you behave in "flight" mode. What happens physically, and what thoughts run through your mind just before you behave in these ways? Write your answers down on the handout.




As before, prompt, if necessary, with:

Perhaps you feel nauseous or your head aches: or you feel tense around your shoulders; or your breathing is shallow. Maybe you say: "This always happens to me'' or "I guess I'm wrong again'' or "I'll just keep out of her way" or ''It's not worth making a fuss''.

Allow a further 3–5 minutes.

When you become aware of the physical and mental signs that you're about to behave in ''fight'' or ''flight", what could you do to respond more appropriately, and to ''flow" instead?


Pair Discussion: Ask participants to talk about what they identified.

Discussion: Are there differences in what happens physically and mentally when you're about to behave in "fight" to when you're about to behave in "flight?" (Often people comment that the physical signs are very similar, but the thoughts associated with each are quite different.)

How easy or difficult was it to identify the physical and thought components that precede your behaviour? Why is that?

If you could become more aware of these components, do you think it might affect the way you behave in conflict? In what ways?

If you noticed these components of your reaction, what could you do to transform them into an appropriate response to conflict? (After participants have responded, you might add: breathe deeply, relax tensed muscles, state how you feel, take time out to become sufficiently composed to deal with the conflict appropriately, centre.)





Creating a Bill of Assertive Rights


Context: An awareness of what is fair and reasonable for us to expect in our relationships may provide us with a framework in which to be assertive. (See Chapter 4: Appropriate Assertiveness: Section C)

Time: 30 minutes

Aim: To understand how lack of awareness of our rights in communication prevents us from being assertive

To prepare a statement of one’s rights.

Instructions: We're going to explore the concept of rights in small groups of three, developing a statement of one right for each participant which we may currently be denying or allowing to be over-ridden.

Divide into small groups of three.

Ask participants to think of situations where they would like to be assertive and find it difficult to be so.

Be ready to offer some examples:

• not getting all your questions adequately answered by a doctor;

• finding It difficult to say "no" to a parent, child, friend or boss;

• not raising with a work colleague, housemate your dissatisfaction with a certain arrangement.

Take turns at describing your situations and then, with the help of the other two in the group, identify your underlying right in this situation. Try to identify a right that can serve as a springboard for acknowledging and stating your own needs.

Remember that any right you claim as your own needs to be extended to others as well. Listeners, remember your active listening skills to help the speaker explore the situation and identify the underlying right.


Return everyone to the large group.




Discussion: How difficult was it to identify your rights?

What might have made it difficult? (After participants have responded, you might add: past experience, social, cultural, gender expectations etc.)


Any rights we claim as our own, we need to extend to others as their rights also.

Even though we recognise we have a right we may choose not to exercise it (e.g. we may know you have a right to bring up an issue, and may choose not to for a variety of reasons such as inappropriate time or place, to preserve a relationship etc.)

Closing: Ask participants to take turns reading out their rights.

(Optional) Write up each individual right on the flip chart or ask for a copy of each right, and have them typed on a sheet to be given out at the next session.





Formulating "I" Statements


Context: In conflict, it is not easy to describe the difficulty from our perspective, without blaming the other person. “I” statements provide a structure for communicating our points of view. (See Chapter 4, Appropriate Assertiveness, Section D)

Time: 40 minutes

Aim: To practice formulating “I” statements

Handout: “I” Statements

Instructions: We'll work, now, in groups of three to formulate "I" statements. Either work on the example you wrote down at the beginning of this section (refer to Chapter 4. Appropriate assertiveness: Section D) or choose another current conflict for which an "I" Statement would be relevant.

Give out the handout: "I" Statements''.

Now spend a few minutes trying to construct an "I" Statement.

Allow five minutes.

Now, divide into groups of three. In your groups, take it in turn to describe briefly your situation and to present an “I” Statement. The other two in the group will help to evaluate and polish that "I" Statement. When the group considers the "I" Statement is clean and clear, the next person has a turn.

The trainer can move amongst the groups, checking and offering assistance where needed.

The "I" Statement must be:

Clear – really stating what is the matter

Clean – no direct or implied blame.

Allow 30 minutes




Discussion: Is anyone needing to clarify any aspect of an "I" Statement?

Was one part of the "I" statement more difficult to construct than any other? Which part? Why? (After participants have responded, you might add: Finding it hard to identify and talk about feelings not blaming not judging etc.)

Why do these difficulties exist? (After participants have responded, you might add: upbringing, education, cultural and gender expectations etc.)

Can anyone see an opportunity for using the "I" Statement you've just formulated? In what way might it be useful?

If you don't choose to deliver your "I" Statement to the relevant person, is there any other way in which it is useful?( After participants have responded, you might add: clarifying for oneself, releasing emotional energy, letting go.)


Sometimes formulating an "I" statement is most useful in clarifying the situation for ourselves, and exploring our own responses. We may then decide to deliver it; or we may decide that a different action is more appropriate.

Non-verbal messages tend to be more powerful than verbal ones. lf our listeners perceive an incongruence between what we're saying and our non-verbal cues, they are more likely to believe that the non-verbal messages represent our true feelings and intent. (Research findings reported in Joseph P Forgas Interpersonal Communication (Sydney, Pergamon Press, 1985) p140–141. See also article Tim Connor 2006, Non-Verbal Messages are More Important than What th e Prospect Says (http://ezinearticles.com/?Non-Verbal-Messsages-Are-More-Important-Than-What-The-Prospect-Says&id=330891) Therefore, if our intent is to blame, to accuse or to demand, it is likely that our listeners will perceive this no matter what we say.

If we can't construct a clean "I" Statement, the chances are that our intent is to blame and to accuse. Or even if we have managed to formulate a clean "I" Statement but we know the feeling behind it is to blame, it may be better not to use an "I" Statement but to choose a different conflict-resolving tool.





Experiencing the Difference between Aggressive and

Assertive Styles


Context: Experiencing aggressive, then assertive, behaviour reinforces learning about these behaviours. (See Chapter 4, Appropriate Assertiveness, Section F)

Time: 30 minutes

Aim: To gain a felt sense of the difference between aggressive and assertive behaviour

Instructions: In this role play (or demonstration), we will experience the difference between aggressive and assertive behaviour.

Divide the group into pairs with Partners A and B for role plays

or

set up a demonstration by two people (possibly the trainer and one other.)

Choose a situation that is current for one of the players, or provide a scenario with which members of the group would easily be able to identify. Here is an example which you could use:

Sample Situation

You are two work colleagues who need to have regular meetings. Partner A regards punctuality as important and is always ready for the meeting at the scheduled starting time. Partner B frequently arrives for the meeting between five minutes and half an hour after the scheduled starting time.

There will be three rounds and, in each round, we'll play the scene in a different way.

Round 1

Partner A uses an accusing, angry approach and partner B gives a defensive reason.

Allow 3 minutes.




Round 2

Partner A uses an accusing, angry approach and Partner B responds with "I" Statements.

Allow 3 minutes.

Round 3

Partner A uses an "I" Statement which may still express anger to open the discussion, and Partner B responds again with an "I" Statement.

Allow 3 minutes.

Encourage discussion between pairs on how they felt in each role play before debriefing in the large group.

Discussion: How did both players feel in the three different role plays?

Did responding with an "I" Statement defuse some of the hostility?

Did opening with an "I" Statement lead to a more fruitful discussion?

Did you move closer to resolution in one of the role plays?

What makes a statement aggressive, assertive or passive?





Broken Record Technique


Context: It can be difficult to persist in asserting our needs, particularly when someone is placing a lot of pressure on us. (See Chapter 4, Appropriate Assertiveness, Section F)

Time: 20 minutes

Aims: To learn how to identify what we want and to communicate this assertively

To persist in communicating assertively, even when faced with undue pressure, lack of co-operation, resistance from another, etc.

Instructions: It is often difficult to remain assertive when faced with undue pressure or lack of co-operation from another. In this activity, we practise remaining assertive when a partner puts pressure on us.

Divide the group into pairs.

Both people think of a situation in which you find it difficult to remain assertive.

Partner A, you brief partner B on the situation. Partner B, you make it difficult for Partner A to remain assertive.

Partner A, identify a goal and make a clear "I" Statement e.g. "I don't want to work late tonight”.

Partner B, you continue to make your request, pressuring Partner A to comply with you.

Partner A, continue to repeat this statement, like a broken record, without picking up on the side issues raised by Partner B (e.g. "I know there are deadlines to be met and I don't want to work late tonight. "Let me say it again, I don't want to work late tonight”.)

Partner A, you may be prepared to negotiate if the situation is appropriate (e.g. "I don't want to work late tonight. I would be willing to stay back tomorrow".)

Reverse the process. Partner A puts pressure on Partner B, and Partner B remains assertive.




Pair Discussion: Ask pairs to discuss how they felt in the role play.

Discussion: How could you apply this technique in real life situations?

What might make it difficult?

What could you do to overcome these difficulties? (After participants have responded, you might add: recall ''my rights", centre myself, use positive self-talk, mentally enclose the other person in a box so that I feel more separate and protected from their anger or their demands.)



Appropriate Assertiveness H.4.1

Will you React or Respond?

When I am about to react in fight mode...

Physical reaction: Thought reaction:

____________________________

____________________________

____________________________

____________________________

____________________________

____________________________

When I am about to react in flight mode...

Physical reaction: Thought reaction:

____________________________

____________________________

____________________________

____________________________

____________________________

____________________________

Ways I could turn these into a flow response are:




Fight, Flight, Flow

FIGHT: Aggressive Behaviour (I win/You lose)

Expressing your feelings, needs and ideas at the expense of others; standing up for your rights but ignoring the rights of others; trying to dominate, even humiliate, others.

• Hostile and self-defeating. • Results in anger, self-righteousness, possible guilt later.

Belief: You don't matter. Payoff: Vents anger and achieves goals in the short term. Problem: Alienation from others; feelings of frustration, bitterness and isolation.

FLIGHT: Passive Behaviour (I lose/You win)

Not expressing your own feelings, needs, ideas; ignoring your own rights; allowing others to infringe upon them.

• Inhibited and self-denying. • Results in anxiety, disappointment, anger and resentment.

Belief: I don't matter. Payoff: Avoids unpleasant situations. Problem: Needs are not met; anger builds up; feelings arise of low self-worth.

FLOW: Assertive Behaviour (I win/You win)

Expressing your feelings, needs and ideas. Standing up for your legitimate rights in ways that do not violate the rights of others.

• Expressive and self-enhancing. • Results in confidence, self-esteem.

Belief: We both matter. Payoff: Achieves goals mostly. If this does not occur, there are feelings of

self-worth which result from being straight forward. Self-confidence improves and relationships become open and honest.

Problem: You still may feel distant from others who don’t handle open relationships well or who have great difficulty expressing their needs or those who wish to dominate.




A Bill of Assertive Rights

It is reasonable and proper for me...

to be treated with respect

to hold my own views and have them heard

to have my own feelings and have them taken seriously

to arrange my own priorities

to make mistakes

to change my mind

to choose not to answer questions that are personal or intrusive

to choose when and if to assert myself

to define and protect the physical space I need

to refuse without feeling guilty

to get what I pay for

to ask for what I want

to be given information (by doctors, lawyers, accountants etc.) without

being patronised.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Any right I claim as my own, I extend to others.



Co–operative Power 5.1

"I" Statements

Aims : To communicate clearly and cleanly my perception of and feelings about a problem without attacking blaming or hurting the other person. To open a discussion without eliciting defensiveness from the other person.

Example Complete your own example

The Action

Objective Description

When... you

When… changes to our plans have been finalised before I have a chance to contribute

My Response

No Blame

I feel... or I feel like...

I feel powerless or I feel like making my own separate plans

My Preferred Outcome

No Demand

And what I'd like is that I...

And what I'd like is that I have more involvement in the decision-making process.

Depending on the response of the other person, I will choose an appropriate next action. It may be to make another "I" statement, to active listen, to start discussing

the problem in more detail or...




Co-operative Power

Objectives: To identify and explore our attitudes and uses of power.

To consider ways to harness and to use power effectively and not at the expense of others.

Session Times: 2 x 3 hours: Sections A–E, then F–L

3 hours: Section: B, D–H

2 hours: Sections B, D (no role play), E and G

1 hour: Sections B, C and G

Recommended Background: The Win/Win Approach



B. Introduction to Power 5.4

C. Power Bases 5.5

D. Power Game Relationships – Persecuting, Rescuing and Playing Victim Triangle 5.7

E. Discovery Circle 5.10

F. Personal Power 5.14

G. Transforming "I should'' to "I choose'' 5.15

H. Shifting Away from Demand Behaviour 5.21

I. Exploring Positive Outcomes from the Past 5.21

J. Dealing with Difficult Behaviours 5.21

K. Responding to Resistance from Others 5.23

L. Working with Powerful People 5.24

M. Concluding Comments 5.26




Activities: Power Line-up A.5.1

Power Game Triangle and Discovery Circle A.5.3

Demand Behaviour A.5.9

Exploring Positive Outcomes from the Past A.5.12

Dealing with Difficult Behaviours A.5.14

Responding to Resistance from Others A.5.16

Developing Responses to Deal with Resistance from Others A.5.23

Handouts: Section C: Manipulation and Influence H.5.1

Section D: Power Game Triangle H.5.2

Section E: Transforming the Power Game Triangle Into the Discovery Circle H.5.3

Discovery Circle H.5.4

Section F: Ten Empowering Thoughts H.5.5

Section G: Transforming "I Should'' to "I Choose'' H.5.6

Personal Power: I Should vs I Choose H.5.7

Section H: Demand Behaviour – Power Over H.5.8

An Alternative to Demand Behaviour – Power With H.5.9

Section I: Exploring Positive Aspects from The Past H.5.10

Section J: Strategies to Deal with Difficult Behaviours H.5.11

Dealing With Difficult Behaviours H.5.12

Section K: Responding to Resistance from Others H.5.14




Co-operative Power

Power With not Power Over

VV. Stimulus Activity (10–15 minutes)

Choose to do one of the following two activities or move directly to Section B.

Knots: Participants’ co-operate to untangle themselves from a human knot. (See Chapter II: Icebreakers.) (10 minutes)

Power Line-up: participants form a line according to how powerful they feel in the room, to experience something of their responses to power. (See Co-operative Power Activities, p A.5.1.) (15 minutes)

WW. Introduction to Power (15 minutes)

Reflection: Ask participants to reflect on their understanding and response to power. Stimulate their thinking with the following questions:

What does power mean to you?

Who has power over you?

Over whom do you have power?

Around whom do you feel powerful?

Around whom do you feel powerless?

How do you give away your power?

Pair Share: Ask participants to share their responses with a partner, with the aim of settling on single words which represent power for each of them at this moment, and which they can share with the large group.

Group Share: Ask participants to share their words with the group.

The concept of power conjures very different meanings for people. For some it has very negative connotations; others see it in a positive light.

In thinking about power we focus our attention in a variety of ways. For example, we may think about:

• our emotional response

• the effect it has on us personally

• the broader consequences, or

• where it comes from.




The focus in this course is on the development of co-operative power – power with not power over. We will examine power relationships, the bases from which power originates, and personal power – what makes each of us a powerful person.

XX. Power Bases (30 minutes)

Question: Think of two or three people with whom you often co mply, or to whom you defer or say ''yes''. What is this power t o extract a "yes'' from you based upon?

Discussion: First, ask participants to write down their answers. Then ask them to share these answers with the larger group. Try to relate their responses to one of the six key powerbases (below) and write these on the board as they emerge. (If a participant identifies a power base that doesn't easily fit into these six, acknowledge it and add it to the board also.) Use relevant questions to probe and identity the power bases that are operating in participants' examples.

Write on the board: Possible probing questions

Valued Relationship Do you care about the relationship being friendly? How would the relationship suffer if you did not comply?

Expertise Do you trust the advice the person gives because he or she knows more about the issues? What are the person's special areas of competence, information or expertise?

Position Do you respect the authority the person has? How would you describe your respective places in the hierarchy or pecking order?

Reward/punishment Does the person reward you – openly or covertly – if you agree? Which rewards, if any, influence you? Does the person punish you or show disapproval in any way? If so, how?

Persuasiveness Do you respect and trust the person? If so, which personal qualities do you particularly admire or respect? Is it, for example, the person's common sense, ability to sell an idea well, charisma or integrity that is persuasive?




Question: Of the people you have listed do you feel better co mplying with some rather than with others? Is it something to do with the way they use the power bases? How does that vary?

Explore participants’ responses to lead into a discussion about manipulation and influence.

Question: What are some differences between manipulation and influence?


Consider breaking into small groups to formulate answers. Give out the handout: ''Manipulation and Influence''.

Discussion: Draw out participants' responses and write them on the board under two headings. Include:

Manipulation Influence

People feel tricked. People feel persuaded.

Outcomes favour the manipulator often at the expense of another.

Outcomes favour others as well as the influencer.

Inclined to discourage input from others.

Inclined to encourage and value input from others.

More biased information presented.

More balanced information presented.

Less frequently considers needs and concerns of other person.

More frequently considers needs and concerns of other person.

Tends to stunt relationships. Tends to build relationships.

Less commitment to making the solution work.

Greater commitment to making the solution work.

Consider typing up the group's responses as listed on the board, to give out next time the group meets.

Because there isn't a black and white distinction between manipulation and influence we need to gauge the acceptability of our use of power bases according to the context and the desirability of the outcomes for the people involved. It's largely a question of intent and personal integrity. Was a win/win approach used?

Power bases are levers that help people gain what they want. They can be used fairly or unfairly. Co-operation and consensus depend on people influencing others. However, when people feel tricked or stood over, chances are that someone has used a power base manipulatively.




YY. Power Game Relationships – Persecuting, Rescuin g and Playing Victim Triangle

(40 minutes)

Question: What are some of the power relationships that we se e operating in our lives?

Discussion: Draw out participants' responses. In addition, you might give the following examples:

• parent – child

• child – teacher

• employee – employer

• male – female

• husband – wife.

We have absorbed the patterns of these relationships from our culture, our family, our past experiences and so on.

Often these work well for us. However, when we feel powerless or powerful at the expense of others we sometimes slip into power games and assume particular roles to play these games, usually without consciously being aware of what is happening.

Transactional Analysis offers a model for understanding this process. For more information on Transactional Analysis, see Thomas A Harris I'm OK, You're OK (New York: Avon, 1973).

This model identifies three roles that people can assume – persecuting, rescuing and playing victim.

Draw a large triangle on the board and label each corner of the triangle.

Lead a brief discussion on each of these roles, as below, before running the activity Power Game Triangle and Discovery Circle (p.A5.3) listed over in which these roles are explored in more depth.




Question: How do people behave when persecuting?

Discussion: Draw out participants responses. In addition, you might explore:

• Reward

• Punish

• Bully

• Put others down

• Bulldoze

When persecuting, people display an attitude of “I’m OK, you’re not OK”.

Add “I’m OK, you’re not OK” to the board under the word Persecuting:

Question: How do people behave when rescuing?

Discussion: Draw out participants’ responses. In addition you might consider:

• Help and support others constantly

• Deny their own needs

• Act like martyrs

• Solve problems for others

• Act as a buffer between people playing victim and those who are persecuting

• May side with the person playing victim against the person who is persecuting.

When rescuing, people act on the premise that “others need my help”, which is a variation of “I’m OK, you’re not OK”.




Add I'm OK, you're not OK" to the board under the word Rescuing.

When we consider victim, we need to distinguish between role-playing victims and real victims. Real victims are those who have suffered injustice, hardship, accident, abuse or loss, and are in need of care and support until they can manage on their own. Role-playing victims have an emotional investment in maintaining their underdog position and may not readily respond to offers of help and support, or may sabotage attempts to alter their situation. It is the behaviour of role-playing victims that we wish to consider.

Question: How do people behave when playing victim?


• Behave as if helpless

• Stay stuck in inappropriate situations

• claim inadequacy

• focus on how bad and hopeless it all is

• give up defeated

• attract accidents and bad relationships

When playing victim, people present an attitude of ''I'm not OK, you're OK".

Add ''I'm not OK you're OK'' to the board under the words Playing Victim.




Group Activity: The following activity has two parts. Part 1 is played at this point. Part 2 is played near the beginning of Section E: Discovery Circle.

Power Game Triangle and Discovery Circle:

Part 1: participants do three role-plays in which they take turns playing victim, persecuting and rescuing to experience what each is like. (See Co-operative Power Activities, p A.5.3.) (20 minutes)

ZZ. Discovery Circle (1 hour)

We often use persecuting, rescuing and playing victim behaviours because this is a pattern of relating that we learnt at a young age. As well, it's very difficult to disengage from these behaviours if those around us continue with them.

We'll look now at specific ways of changing our behaviours to transform the power game triangle into a circle of discovery.

Write on the board:

Notice the movement of the circle, to suggest breaking free of the particular roles.

The Power Game Triangle tends to result in exclusion, alienation and control.

What we can aim for in the Discovery Circle is consultation, participation and co-operation.

When we're locked into the dynamic of the power game triangle, it's not easy to shift to the Discovery Circle, so we'll spend some time developing specific strategies to make the shift.

Group Activity: Power Game Triangle & Discovery Circle:

Part 2: participants do three role plays in which they take turns at trying to break the Power Game Triangle by adopting alternative behaviours to create less manipulative relationships. (See Co-operative Power Activities, p A.5.3) (45 minutes)




Question: Let's consider specific sets of behaviours. How can people who find themselves persecuting, change their behaviour to exercise power with integrity in a non-persecuting way? What do they need to do instead?


• listen

• share expertise

• respect needs

• be assertive, not aggressive, in stating own needs

• give constructive feedback

• share decision making.

Question: What word could you use to describe this alternativ e set of behaviours? Instead of persecuting…

Discussion: Write participants' suggestions for these behaviours on the board. Then, if it hasn't already been offered, add the word ''Consulting'' as this provides a link with the handout: “Discovery Circle'' and may help to flesh out their understanding of the concept:

Often when people are persecuting, they have become so focused on their own ideas that they don't consult but attempt to steamroller others.

Question: How can people who find themselves rescuing, change their behaviour to exercise power more appropriately, wit hout an underlying manipulation?


• be objective

• acknowledge and support others' needs

• listen

Consulting




• be assertive, state own needs

• help others to hear each other

• discuss the consequences of persisting with current behaviours

• introduce strategies for effective problem-solving.

Question: What word could you use to describe this alternativ e set of behaviours? Instead of rescuing…

As previously, write participants' suggestions on the board. Then add the word ''Facilitating'' to link with the handout: ''Discovery Circle" .

Often when people are rescuing, they attempt to solve the immediate problem for others, while failing to address or actually promoting continued disharmony. As well, when rescuing, people often ignore most of their own needs. By facilitating the process, others in the conflict are empowered and each person can express his or her own needs.

Question: How can people who find themselves playing victim c hange their behaviour to exercise power cleanly?


• seek appropriate support, information, skills and assistance

• acknowledge needs of others

• listen

• be assertive about own needs

• participate in the decision making process

• take action

• co-operate with others in problem-solving.

Question: What word could you use to describe this alternativ e set of behaviours? Instead of playing victim...

Consulting Facilitating




Discussion: As previously, write participants' suggestions on the board. Then add the words ''Taking Responsibility'' to provide a link with the handout: ''Discovery Circle" .

Often when people are playing victim, they are so focused on their own needs in the situation that they don't acknowledge that others also have needs and, therefore, a stake in what the outcome is. As well, they avoid taking responsibility for any decisions, frequently not co-operating in problem-solving activities.

Question: What do you notice about the strategies we've devel oped to step out of persecuting, rescuing and playing victim?

Discussion: Draw out participants' responses. They may note that each of the lists they've developed is very similar.

Common to all three roles are the skills of listening to others, acknowledging others' needs, and asserting our own needs. These are fundamental conflict resolution skills and the cornerstone of a win/win approach.

For those of us who habitually persecute we will need to focus our attention particularly on developing listening skills. For those of us who habitually play victim, we will need to focus on being assertive.

For those of us who habitually rescue, we will need to focus on being assertive and helping others to listen. However, the skills required in each area are exactly the same, with just a slightly different emphasis.

Once one person decides not to persecute, to rescue or to play victim, the power game dynamic is broken and, in fact, we can simultaneously consult, facilitate and take responsibility.

Where the power game triangle has become the habitual way that three people relate, one person's choice to behave otherwise won't necessarily bring immediate positive results. It may take time to adjust and for the three to learn new behaviours based on a win/win approach that enhances the relationship, and is guided by mutual influence rather than manipulation. Persecuting, rescuing and playing victim set up a system of social interactions. There is pressure to keep the status quo, but consistently changed behaviour by one person can change the system.

Consulting Facilitating

Taking Responsibility




Give out the handout: "Discovery Circle'' . Encourage participants to add the words which they think most appropriate to describe the Discovery Circle behaviours.

AAA. Personal Power (15 minutes)

Question: Think of someone in whom you recognise personal pow er. What are some of the positive qualities on which you fee l that personal power is based?

Discussion: Ask participants to write down their responses and then share them with the group. In addition, you might consider:

• energy

• sense of direction

• charisma

• balance

• sensitivity

• perceptiveness

• enthusiasm

• sense of justice

• ability to manage, not suppress, emotions.

Reflection: Ask participants to reflect on their own personal power. Stimulate their thinking with the following questions:

Of the qualities you wrote down, or those that other people listed, do many apply to you?

Are there others of those qualities that you would particularly like to develop?

Question: What do we do that diminishes our personal power?


• we comply unwillingly with others

• we don't acknowledge our skills and talents

• we're not assertive

• we are afraid to risk

• we feel trapped by past difficulties

• we use disempowering language.




Remind participants of skills already learnt (e.g. Appropriate Assertiveness, Creative Response etc.) that are empowering. Tell participants they are going to focus particularly on one aspect of language that tends to reinforce feelings of powerlessness. (See below: Section G "Transforming "I should'' to "I choose".)

First, highlight the way in which personal power aligns with co-operative power. The following quotation may be an aid in doing this.

''Ultimate power is the ability to produce the results you desire most and create value for others in the process. Power is the ability to change your life, to shape your perceptions, to make things work for you and not against you. Real power is shared, not imposed. It's the ability to define human needs and to fulfil them – both your needs and the needs of the people you care about. It's the ability to direct your own personal kingdom – your own thought processes, your own behaviour – so you produce the precise results you desire.''

Anthony Robbins Unlimited Power (New York: Simon & Schuster 1986) p20–21.

Give out the handout: ''Ten Empowering Thoughts”.

BBB. Transforming "I should'' to "I choose'' (30 minutes)

We are often restrained in developing and exercising our personal power by our use of disempowering language.

Question: Think of some of the things that we say that give a way our power. Can anyone give an example?


• I'm just...

• I'm only...

• I'm not very good at...

• I have to...

If there is sufficient time, you may want to consider the different effects of each of these types of disempowering language e.g. What's the message behind "I'm only...''? Is it ''Don't expect too much of me", "I can't be blamed'' etc? Alternatively, focus attention immediately on "I should...'' as it is one of the most common and most disempowering uses of language.

Question: What are some of the "I shoulds" in your life?




Discussion: Draw out participants' responses. In addition, you might give extra examples:

• I should write that report

• I should do the vacuuming

• I should visit...

Question: When we do something because we feel we "should", w hat is driving us?

Elicit the notion of outside authority.

Write on the board:

I should

Authority

Our actions are directed by others, people who are significant to us, either from the past or the present, or perhaps by an institutionalised form of authority e.g. religion, school, and media images. Sometimes the directions we are following are so internalised that we have now forgotten or suppressed the original source. They nevertheless retain an apparent separateness from us, a sort of external authority not fully incorporated into our sense of self.

Question: If we are being directed to do something by outside authority, how might we respond?

Discussion: Draw out participants' responses, and lead the discussion to add the words ''Submit' and ''Rebel'' to the board.

(You are constructing, on the board, bit by bit, the chart in the handout: “Personal Power: I Should vs. I Choose". )

Question: If we submit, what are we likely to experience?

Discussion: Draw out participants' responses and then write on the board ''Frustration” and “Resentment'. (See below.)

I should Authority

Submit Rebel




Question: If we rebel, what are we likely to experience?

Discussion: Draw out responses and write on the board "Resentment” and “Guilt”.

Whichever of these paths we take, it is likely that we will take revenge.

Write on the board:

Taking revenge is a way of playing out the roles of either victim or persecutor.

Write on the board:

I should Authority

Submit Rebel

Frustration Resentment Resentment Guilt

Resentment Guilt

Take revenge

Victim Prosecutor

I should Authority

Submit Rebel

Frustration Resentment Resentment Guilt

Take revenge




Discussion: Encourage participants’ comments by asking the following questions.

In what ways is this model one with which you can identify?

What are some of the outside authorities from which your "I shoulds'' arise? What effects do "I shoulds'' have on you?

An alternative to "I should'' is "I choose'' "I choose'' indicates a sense of control over what we do.

Question: When we do something because we ''choose'' to do it , what is driving us?

Elicit the notion of self-direction and autonomy.

Write on the board:

I choose

Autonomy

Where actions are self- rather than other-directed, we may either agree to do something or we may disagree.

Write on the board:

Whether we agree or disagree, the outcome of acting from choice is that we often become creative with options; we accept the consequences and take responsibility for our actions.

I choose Autonomy

Agree Disagree




Write on the board:

This is much more likely to lead to a feeling of personal freedom and an attitude of discovery.

Question: If we find ourselves operating from "I should”, what can we do to shift to "I choose"?

Discussion: Draw out responses from the group, noting specific suggestions. Then, offer the three points listed below as key components.

Write on the board:

Should C hoose

Identify the outside pressure

Change the view

Add extra ingredients

Identify the outside pressure – often, by identifying the outside pressure, we realise that we don't actually have to comply; we can make a choice.

I choose Autonomy

Agree Disagree

Creative with options

Accept consequences

Take responsibility

Personal Freedom Discovery




Change the view – try to see the situation differently. Think of our own best reasons for doing something. For example, "I should clean up the kitchen'' can become "I'd like to come into a clean and tidy kitchen in the morning" ”I should write that report'' can become ''I'd like to get that report out of the way, so I can settle down to other jobs".

Add extra ingredients – think of some way of improving the situation for ourselves. Is there something we can do that can make the task more pleasant e.g. turn on the radio while washing up, use the visit as a chance to sit and put our feet up, sit in the sun to write the report?

Group Activity: Transforming "I should'' to "I choose": participants complete a handout to consider ways of transforming an "I should'' currently operating in their lives to an "I choose". They then discuss responses with a partner. (See below for details) (15 minutes)

Give out the handout: “Transforming ‘I Should’ to ‘I Choose’” .

Ask participants to complete it.

Allow 10 minutes.

Then ask participants to discuss it with a partner using the following questions as a stimulus:

Was any part of it difficult?

Do you think it would work? Why/why not?

Is there anything else you need to do to behave from a standpoint of "I choose'' rather than "I should"?

Allow 5 minutes.

Discussion: Ask for comments from participants.

Concluding Comments:

Much personal power is lost by not ''choosing'' to do what we have nevertheless "decided'' to do. We do not put our whole selves behind the task. Because actions and thoughts are out of alignment, we lack energy. We may do the task badly and are less likely to engage our creativity. We may be irritated, snappy and likely to arouse resentment from others by our negative attitude. A ''should'' is a breeding ground for conflict.

"Shoulds'' let us see ourselves as victims with outside forces acting on us against our will. We are taking charge of our lives when we alter a "should'' to a ''choose''.

Give out the handout: “Personal Power: I Should vs. I Choose”.




CCC. Shifting Away from Demand Behaviour (30minutes)

Much as we place ''shoulds'' upon ourselves, we also place them upon other people. Known as demand behaviour this arises from our own often subtle, type of persecuting behaviour.

Most of us have experienced demand behaviour in, for example, our relationships with our children, or our parents, our partners, our work subordinates or our colleagues.

Group Activity: Demand Behaviour: participants complete two handouts. The first helps participants explore the concept of demand behaviour and raises their awareness of when they use it. The second helps them examine ways of developing co-operative power strategies. (See Co-operative Power Activities, p A.5.9.) (25 minutes)

DDD. Exploring Positive Outcomes from the Past (20 minutes)

(This is particularly appropriate for a personal development group.)

Sometimes we feel trapped by past events. We may have been a real victim to accident, abuse, hardship, loss or injustice in the past. We may continue to blame those past experiences for our situation now; or excuse our current behaviour in some contexts because it has resulted from previous circumstances.

Exploring positive outcomes from the past is not about condoning violence or cruelty or dismissing tragedy. It is about putting memories of these things to rest; and looking for the growth, understanding or direction to which they gave rise.

Group Activity: Exploring Positive Outcomes from the Past: participants complete a handout to identify past events by which they continue to feel trapped and which they could view differently now. (See Co-operative Power Activities, p A.5.12.) (20 minutes)

EEE. Dealing with Difficult Behaviours (40 minutes)

This section complements material on managing difficult emotional behaviours. (See Managing Emotions: Section F, p 6.9.)

Sometimes we are confronted with behaviours in others that we find difficult to handle. Depending on our response, we may find ourselves reinforcing these behaviours, giving way or engaging in a power struggle.




The following material is based on work by Rudolph Dreikurs, a psychiatrist, author with Vicki Solts of Children: The Challenge (NY: Hawthorn. 1964) and Don Dinkmeyr and Gary McKay Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (Circle Pines, Minn: American Guidance Service, 1976). (See handout: "Dealing with Difficult Behaviours". )

Behaviour occurs for a purpose. Fundamental goals include to be secure, to find a place of significance, to belong, and to protect our sense of identity.

When people are feeling discouraged and threatened, they may substitute other goals for these fundamental ones. It can be the start of a downhill cycle. They may begin to believe that the only way to achieve what they want is by behaving in ways that others find difficult.

They may use behaviours which they've found successful in other settings or in the past. Or they may experiment with new behaviours and continue to use those that achieve what they want.

Our response often contributes to whether these difficult behaviours persist or die away.

Dr Rudolph Dreikurs describes four substitute goals of difficult behaviour.

Write on the board:

gaining power

gaining attention

appearing inadequate

seeking revenge

Question: What benefits might a person feel from gaining powe r?

Discussion: Draw out participants' responses. Include:

• the person temporarily feels secure when bossing and controlling others.

Question: What benefits might a person feel from gaining atte ntion?

Discussion: Draw out participants responses. Include:

• the person briefly feels a sense of significance when receiving lots of attention.

Question: What benefits might a person feel from displaying a pparent inadequacy?





• the person feels he or she belongs , if others look after him or her.

• as well, by hiding behind ''lack of ability,'' the person is trying to avoid further hurt, hoping that any real ''deficiencies'' will not be uncovered, or that he or she won't be pushed into areas in which failure might result.

Question: What benefits might a person feel from seeking reve nge?


• the person feels justice is done by standing against an ''enemy'' or redressing real or supposed wrongs.

• by inflicting hurt and provoking hostility, the person protects his or her sense of identity. They know who they are by who they stand against

Group Activity: Dealing with Difficult Behaviours: working in small groups, participants complete a worksheet to develop strategies formalising behaviours we find difficult in others. (See Co-operative Power Activities, p A.5.14.)

FFF. Responding to Resistance from Others (20–35 minutes)

You could choose to cover this material during a session on negotiation as it is very relevant in negotiation settings. (See Chapter 10. Negotiation: Section D.)

A way in which we sometimes use power destructively is by making extreme statements or generalisations to support our feelings or our viewpoints. We often do this when a new idea is being floated, or a change is being suggested. We may not be intending such behaviour as a power play. Instead, we may just be reacting because we're feeling concerned, or threatened. Or we may, in fact, want to assert our authority in the situation. Rather than assert this authority or state our concerns clearly, we may be very negative about the idea or present unsubstantiated and, seemingly, unarguable objections such as ''It will never work''. Essentially, we are showing our resistance to the new idea or proposed change by blocking the communication.

Question: Imagine you're the person wanting to introduce a ne w policy or practice, and you're confronted with strong resista nce from others. What might be some of the negative response s that you would hear?




Discussion: Draw out participants' responses. In addition, you might give the following examples:

“We've tried that already”

“It's too expensive”

“You're being naive – that’s not how the system works”.

We'll now spend some time exploring specific strategies to deal with this type of negativity.

Group Activity: Choose from one of the two following activities:

Responding to Resistance from Others: working in groups of three, or of six, participants practise dealing with negativity and resistance. The simulation includes three rounds. The first round is run before the material on using questions to reframe resistance has been discussed. (See Co-operative Power Activities, p A.5.16.) (30 minutes)

Developing Responses to Deal with Resistance from O thers: working in pairs, participants prepare and deliver questions to deal with resistance from others. (See Co-operative Power Activities, p A.5.23.) (15 minutes)

GGG. Working with Powerful People (20 minutes)

People in very powerful positions are sometimes difficult to approach and, particularly, to confront.

Question: What makes it difficult to deal with people in powe rful positions?


• their ability to reward and punish

• their power to make decisions, to veto and to promote

• their frequent intolerance of time-wasting

• their busyness

• the strength of their power bases often means they don't have a need to consider change

• our own feelings of deference or fear of authority and habitual patterns of relating to those more powerful than us

• our need for approval and fear of failure or of ''making waves".

Group Activity: Dealing with Powerful People: working in small groups of three, ask groups to develop a list of strategies that they have found effective in dealing with powerful people. (15 minutes)




Discussion: Ask small groups to share their ideas with the large group and record them on the board.

Draw out participants' responses. In addition, you might explore:

We can strengthen our own approach by:

• dealing with our fear and centreing. (See Chapter 6. Managing Emotions.)

• strengthening our own power bases

e.g. What resources are available?

What policies/laws/rules already exist to deal with this sort of issue?

Is there a precedent which can serve as a model?

Who else will support me in this?

• building empathy with the other person

• identifying how the person likes to be approached – what are his/her needs (Refer to DISC. See Chapter 3. Empathy: Section B)

• deciding which issues are a priority and which can be let go

• preparing and presenting thoroughly and appropriately

• ensuring that the person we're dealing with has the power to do what we're asking

• making it easy for the person to say ''yes'' and to act. (providing all the information; asking the person to do only the steps that we can't)

• demonstrating flexibility by our readiness to consider other options and alternatives

• being clear about the gains and losses for all those involved, including ourselves. (If a powerful person believes we have a vested interest, and one which is not being declared, the person may be suspicious that this is our main reason for pushing a particular line).

Pair Share: Ask participants, with a partner, to identify three ways they could strengthen their own approach in relation to a powerful person with whom they need to work.




HHH. Concluding Comments (2 minutes)

In conflict, the issue of power needs to be considered. Conflicts won’t be dealt with effectively where the imbalance of power in the relationship is not treated very sensitively. This can be helped by a conscious attempt by parties to use power appropriately. Often, understanding, acknowledging and even extending our own sense of personal power provides a solid base on which to build relationships in which power is used co-operatively.



Co–operative Power A.5.1

Co-operative Power Activities

Power Line-up


Context: Becoming more aware of our attitudes to power can give us more choices in our behaviour (See Chapter 5: Co-operative Power: Section A)

Time: 15 minutes

Aims: To raise participants’ awareness of their response to power

To show that power is a key and a fluctuating component in our relationships.

Instructions: This exercise is about raising awareness of power in relationships. Our feelings of power vary from one relationship to another, in different settings and at different times. This exercise is like diving into a flowing river with a bucket to bring back some water. We may have some water but we don't have the river in our bucket. So, let's dive in and capture some of the qualities of this constant flow of power relationships.

Have participants form a straight line in the room. Note a spot on the wall at the front of the room to be the very front of the line.

You are to form into a line according to how powerful you feel you are in the room today. The most powerful at the front, the least powerful at the back.

If someone else is in the spot you believe you need to be in, have that person move. Stand where you feel you belong.

Note: If some participants feel minor discomfort about joining in, gently encourage them to do so. If they feel strongly that they don’t want to participate, let them know that it's acceptable to observe instead.

Discussion: Ask people to remain in the line during the discussion.

What did you like or not like about the exercise?

What sort of things did it raise for you or make you aware of?

How did you interpret "powerful" for the purpose of this exercise?

The trainer can then suggest to participants that they reflect on their own responses to the exercise and to power by considering the following questions:




Look at the position you are in. Is that the position in which you really wanted to be?

If it isn't, what factors prevented you placing yourself where you wanted to be?

Does the position you place yourself here apply at work, and/or at home?

Are you comfortable about where you are, here, at work, and at home?

Or does this bring up some power and control issues for you at the moment?

When your usual position is challenged, how much does it matter to you? Can you admit to yourself how much it matters?

Conclude by asking participants if they have any further comments to make.


The more aware we are of our feelings around power, the more choices we have in how we behave. Many covert power games take place that are unrecognised by either party. The issue sometimes appears to be about something else altogether. Exposing and acknowledging the role that power plays in our relationships can often help us untangle conflict.





Power Game Triangle and Discovery Circle


Context: Power games in which people assume roles of playing victim, persecuting and rescuing are frequently a major dynamic in interpersonal, group and organisational communication. Raising our awareness of how and why we assume these roles can lead us to develop other more constructive ways of relating that are supportive of our and others’ needs. (See Chapter 5. Co-operative Power: Sections D and E)

Time: Part 1: 20 minutes

Part 2: 40 minutes

Aims: To recognise when power games are being played and experience the roles we play

To explore and practise alternative ways of behaving to disengage from the power game dynamic.

Handouts: “Power Game Triangle”, “Transforming the Power Game Triangle into the Discovery Circle” and “Discovery Circle”

Requirements: Sets of cards labelled Person 1, Person 2 and Person 3. (These cards could have safety pins attached to them so people could wear them.)

Sets of cards labelled Playing Victim, Persecuting, Rescuing.

Instructions: In this activity, we'll do a series of three role plays to experience what it is like to persecute, rescue or play victim. Notice which of these feels familiar, which feels uncomfortable, and in what ways.

PART 1

Divide into groups of three.

I will tell you the situation and the three characters. You will choose a character – Person 1, Person 2 or Person 3 – who behaves in a different way in each of the role plays – persecuting, rescuing or playing victim.

Outline the situation over or one that is similar.




Sample Situation

Three friends have, for the past two years, gone on an annual two week holiday to a modern resort in Port Macquarie.

Person 1 is keen to go to Port Macquarie again this year because of the great opportunities for fishing, swimming, racquet ball, tennis, eating out etc.

Person 2 is keen to go on holiday. The destination is less important because Person 2 regards this as a great chance to rest, to read, to have peace and quiet, and a break from work and domestic chores. Person 2 likes to have the company of Person 1 and 3 in these quiet pursuits.

Person 3 is keen to go on holiday but is sick of Port Macquarie.

Person 3 has never really enjoyed the sporting activities and busyness of Port Macquarie. Person 3 wants to go inland to a smaller township, to stay in a guesthouse and go bushwalking, horse-riding and browsing in craft and antique stores and bookshops.

Ask each group of three to choose who will play Persons 1, 2 and 3. (If card sets are being used. (See Requirements on the previous page), ask participants to pin the appropriate cards onto their clothing.)

Give out the sets of Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer cards.

At the beginning of each role play, write on the board the power game roles appropriate for each person. Ensure that the Playing Victim, Persecuting and Rescuing cards are passed on after each role play, to the next person playing the role.

Person 1 Person 2 Person 3

Role Play 1 Persecuting Rescuing Playing Victim

Role Play 2 Playing Victim Persecuting Rescuing

Role Play 3 Rescuing Playing Victim Persecuting.

Allow 3–4 minutes for each role play.

Discussion: Between each role play ask the following questions:

How did it feel to play those roles?

What did you notice?




After Round 3, ask additional questions:

What were the payoffs from playing each role?

What were the limitations and consequences of each role?

What sort of language did you use?

Was it difficult to maintain the roles? Did anyone swap roles midway? Why did that happen?

Did you find one of the roles seemed more familiar to you? Can you think of occasions in your life when a power game like this has been played out?


These Persecuting, Rescuing and Playing Victim roles aren't static. We play different roles in different situations, and in any one situation we can change roles midstream.

It’s easy to fall into playing out a familiar role.

Once one person begins playing one of these roles we often slip into filling one of the remaining two roles because we don't know how to disengage from the power game triangle.

PART 2

Refer to Section E: Discovery Circle.

Instructions: We did the role plays of persecuting, rescuing and playing victim to explore what the power game dynamic is like, and to experience how each of the roles feels.

Becoming aware of what the roles are like is a great starting point for working out how to move out of them. We want to work out ways of stepping out of the roles of the power game triangle to transform it into a circle of discovery.

Some of us will have recognised that we tend to play one of the persecuting, rescuing or victim roles in relationship with particular other people or in a particular setting. Or perhaps we recognise that someone else regularly plays one of these roles.

Specifically we're going to focus on these questions.

If I find myself playing one of the power game roles, and find others continuing in the other power game roles:

Write on the board:

What can I do to alter the dynamic?

How can I behave differently?

What kind of language will I use?




We're going to discuss these questions in three groups.

Each group will focus on one role only.

So if you're particularly interested in exploring how someone can change 'from' persecuting behaviours, move here. Indicate an area.

If you're particularly interested in exploring how someone can change from rescuing behaviours, move over here. Indicate an area.

If you're particularly interested in exploring how someone can change from victim behaviours, move over here. Indicate an area.

Groups for discussion of power game role behaviours

I need roughly equal sized groups...so you may need to be flexible in your choice.

After we've discussed these questions (i.e. those listed above) we'll do a series of role plays to practise our skills in changing the dynamic.

Give out the handout: "Transforming the Power Game Triangle into the Discovery Circle".

Fill out the handout, only for the one role that you're considering. Write your answers in the section titled ''Instead of persecuting...'' (or ''Instead of rescuing...'' or ''Instead of playing victim...''). Leave the question ''What word could you use to describe this alternative set of behaviours?" until later in the activity.

Allow 10 minutes' discussion.

Role Plays: From these three groups, ask participants to divide into triads. One person from the group considering persecuting behaviours joins with a person from the group considering rescuing behaviours and with a person from the group considering victim behaviours. (See diagram below.)

Use the same situation as in the power game triangle. (See p A.5.3–A.5.4.) Or choose a different situation such as the sample over.

Persecuting Rescuing Playing Victim




Sample Situation

Three members of a sales team have to settle on a time for their weekly meeting.

Person 1 wants to meet at 10.00am on Monday mornings, to plan and to set priorities for the week. This is the day he/she has allocated for office and administrative work.

Person 2 wants to meet any afternoon, as he/she finds mornings are most important for client contact.

Person 3 wants to meet at 9.00am on Wednesday mornings.

He/she has regular clients early in the week to be contacted, and wants to have the meeting after the current stock report is prepared; it's available on Tuesday afternoons.

At the beginning of each role play, put a cross through the role, on the board, of the person who will disengage from the power game triangle, as follows:

Person 1 Person 2 Person 3

Role Play 1 Persecuting Rescuing Playing Victim

Role Play 2 Playing Victim Persecuting Rescuing

Role Play 3 Rescuing Playing Victim Persecuting

Instructions for the person trying to disengage fro m the power game role.

Start the role play using the power game role, then try to break out of the role.

Instructions for the other two who continue to play the power game roles.

If the person disengaging from the power game role says something which, in real life, would help to break the power game dynamic, respond positively.

Allow 5 minutes for each role play. Encourage participants to be realistic.

Discussion: Between each role play, and at the end, ask the following questions as appropriate:


How was the communication different?




What were the difficulties in trying these new behaviours?

Did the dynamic change?

Was it difficult to maintain the power game roles when one person disengaged?

What happened?


Ask participants in their triads to complete the question on the bottom of the handout: "Transforming the Power Game Triangle into the Discovery Circle" : "What word could you use to describe this alternative set of behaviours?"

Discussion: Complete this discussion by referring to Chapter 5. Co-operative Power: Section E.





Demand Behaviour


Context: Understanding how and why we place demands upon other people is one step in developing strategies of co-operative power. (See Chapter 5. Co-operative Power: Section H.)

Time: 40 Minutes

Aims: To explore the concept of demand behaviour

To consider alternative problem-solving strategies based on co-operative power.

Handouts: “Demand Behaviour – Power Over” and “An Alternative to Demand Behaviour – Power With” . Fold these prior to the session so that the third column in each is concealed.

Instructions: We will now complete two handouts to consider ways in which we place demands on others, and strategies we can use to shift out of this demand behaviour.

Phase 1

Give out the handout: ''Demand Behaviour – Power Over". Ask participants to keep it folded so that the third column is concealed.

Think of someone at whom you are currently directing a ''should''. What is the behaviour or action you think that person ''should'' change?

Ask participants to complete the handouts, keeping them folded. Encourage them not to censor their answers, but to be as honest as possible. The handout is for their eyes only.


Then ask participants to unfold their handouts. Ask participants if their responses had any of the elements of the Demand Behaviour flow chart. Highlight links with the "I should" flow chart. (See Chapter 5. Co-operative Power: Section G.)

Pair Discussion: Ask participants to share their responses with a partner.




Optional Reflection:

Lead participants to reflect on why they want to be in control in the examples on which they've been working. Stimulate their thinking with the following questions:

Do I want to be in control because the other person likes me directing what is to be done?

Or, is it because the other person needs me to direct what happens?

Or, if I don't do the controlling, do I think the other person will control or undermine me?

Or, if I don't tell the other person what to do, do I believe there will be chaos?

Or, if the other person doesn't like me taking charge, do I think that person can say so?

Or, is it because I sometimes use controlling to mask my own feelings of inadequacy?

Or, is it that I believe that I can see how things should be and the other person doesn't measure up?

For more about control see Will Schutz The Truth Option (USA: Ten Speed Press, 1984).

Discussion: Give participants the opportunity to share anything significant for them.

What could we do to move from ''power over'' demand behaviour to "power with'' behaviour?

Draw out responses from the group, and ensure that the following are included.

Write on the board:

Reframe the problem

Focus on the issue, not the person

Be clear on the outcome, flexible on the route

Listen

Make "I" Statements




Phase 2

Instructions: Give out the handout: "An Alternative to Demand Behaviour – Power With" . Tell participants to keep it folded (so that the third column is concealed.)

Ask participants to complete the handout, using as the example the same person and situation they used to complete the first handout.


Then ask participants to unfold their sheets and highlight the links between this "power with'' flow chart and the "I choose'' flow chart that they have previously seen. (See Chapter 5. Co-operative Power: Section G.)

Pair Discussion: Ask participants to share their responses with a partner.

Discussion: How successful were you in reframing, shifting the focus off the person onto the issue?

What are some of the specific strategies that you came up with for addressing the issue?

How does the issue seem different now (e.g. less important, less emotionally draining?)

Who feels a sense of release?





Exploring Positive Outcomes from the Past


Context: Sometimes we can feel trapped by past events. Looking for the growth, understanding of direction to which they gave rise can be an empowering experience which frees us to move on. (See Chapter 5. Co-operative Power Activities: Section 1.)

Time: 20 minutes

Aims: To identify a past event by which we feel trapped

To learn a process for dealing with such events.

Handout: “Exploring Positive Aspects from the Past”

Instructions: We will now complete a handout to consider positive outcomes from past unwelcome events. At the end of the process, we'll have a chance to discuss what we noticed with a partner.

Give out the handout: ''Exploring Positive Aspects from the Past " .

To help participants identify an appropriate event on which to focus their attention, ask:

Is there something that has happened recently, or a long while ago, that when you think about it, still has the effect of making you angry or upset? It may be something very significant, like a death, a divorce or being sacked from a job. Or it may be something like someone letting you down, or forgetting your birthday, or not adequately acknowledging your contribution to an important project.

Whatever it is, jot it down in the top space in the centre of the handout.


Now, gradually move down the questions on the left hand side of the page, to explore your past and your current responses to that event. Refer to the examples on the right hand side, only if you need to clarify the purpose of the questions. Mainly, dwell on your own event and your own response. You have about 10 minutes.

Pair Discussion: Ask participants to discuss their responses with a partner.


Can you think of something specific to do to change your perspective on this event in your life?




Discussion: Invite participants' comments.

Encourage participants each to identify one particular thing they can do to help further resolve their responses to these events. Suggest specifics, such, as writing a journal, making a phone call, preparing an "I" Statement etc.

(For more on this topic, see Joseph B Fabry The Pursuit of Meaning (San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1968).)





Dealing with Difficult Behaviours


Context: When faced with behaviours in others that we find difficult to handle, our response may contribute to the behaviours continuing or ceasing (See Chapter 5. Co-operative Power, Section J)

Time: 45 minutes

Aims: To understand what motivates difficult behaviours

To develop appropriate strategies for dealing with difficult behaviours.

Handouts: “Strategies to Deal with Difficult Behaviours” and “Dealing with Difficult Behaviours”

Instructions: In this activity, we will work in small groups. Using the behavioural model, proposed by Rudolph Dreikurs, we will develop an understanding of specific types of difficult behaviour and explore strategies to deal with them.

Phase 1

Divide the group into four sub-groups. Allocate a behavioural goal to be considered by each group. Behaviours with the goals of:

Group 1: gaining power

Group 2: gaining attention

Group 3: appearing inadequate (to enlist help or avoid failure)

Group 4: seeking revenge.

Ask sub-groups to prepare a list of behaviours (for examples, see over) in the goal area allocated to them, which they can later share with the larger group.

Allow 10 minutes.




Discussion: Ask sub-groups to share their lists. Write responses on the board. For example:

power: interrupting, putting down others, being over-critical playing win/lose, behaving righteously, giving advice, being aggressive, gathering allies, being manipulative.

attention: being loud, fidgeting, asking lots of questions, behaving stubbornly, sulking, being sick, being clumsy, fainting, chatting inappropriately, rebelling, being over-helpful or over-nice.

inadequacy: avoiding, procrastinating, being apologetic, being forgetful, behaving submissively, getting it wrong, putting self down, "I can't", "Yes but", shirking responsibility.

revenge: sabotaging, sulking, bitching, withholding information, backstabbing, withholding praise and privileges, excluding others, "one-upping,'' being a wet blanket.

Instructions: Phase 2

Retain the sub-groups from Phase 1. Give out handout: "Strategies to Deal with Difficult Behaviours'' to each person.

Ask the sub-groups to identify strategies which individuals have found successful in dealing with one or more of these difficult behaviours.

Are there any common threads in these successful strategies?

Allow 15 minutes.

Discussion: Ask sub-groups to share their strategies with the large group. Draw common threads out of the discussion. Give out the handout: “Dealing With Difficult Behaviours'' and highlight the section titled ''Better Alternatives for Handling Difficult Behaviour''.

Instructions: Phase 3

Ask each person in the room to complete the section on the handout marked ''Particular behaviour with which I have difficulty''.

Then, ask each person to develop an action plan for dealing with this behaviour. Suggest to participants that they identify a few strategies, as part of an overall action plan. These can be listed, or it may be appropriate to represent them diagrammatically.

Allow 5 minutes.

Pair Discussion: Encourage participants to share their action plans with a partner, seeking constructive feedback on how to refine them further.

Retain the sub-groups from Phase 1. Give out handout: "Strategies to Deal with Difficult Behaviours'' to each person.

Ask the sub-groups to identify strategies which individuals have found successful in dealing with one or more of these difficult behaviours.






Responding to Resistance from Others


Context: When people use extreme statements or generalisations that create conflict, we often retort in similar extremes. Using open ended questions and other creative responses, we can contribute to solving difficulties constructively and focusing on positive possibilities (See Chapter 5: Co-operative Power: Section K or Chapter 10: Negotiation Sections D and E.)

Time: 30 minutes

Aim: To experience the value of using open-ended questions, active listening and “I” statements.

Handouts: “Responding to Resistance from Others” (and “Thirty Second Opener” if using this activity during a session on Negotiation)

Requirements: “Simulation: A Proposal for Information Disseminati on (Sheet 1)” and “(Sheet 2)”

Instructions: Ask the group for examples of negative conflict-creating statements – the types of things people often say in response to a new idea (as per Chapter 5. Co-operative Power: Section K or Chapter 10. Negotiation: Section D.) Write these on the board.

Explain that in this activity there will be three rounds.

In each round, one person (or two, depending which scenario is chosen) will be responsible for promoting a new idea. The remaining two (or four) will oppose it, with negative conflict-creating statements. Roles will change and additional Information to aid in responding to this resistance will be given in each round.

Divide into groups of three (or six depending on which scenario is chosen.)

For the first round, pick the person (or two people) who will be promoting the new idea.

Choose one of the two following scenarios as a simulation in which participants practise using questions to reframe resistance from others.




Scenario 1 (particularly suitable for business groups)

Two colleagues propose a new system for circulating information amongst members of a management team.

(See attached sheets ''Simulation – A Proposal for Information dissemination''. (The handout masters for this simulation are on pages A5.21–2.) Give Sheet 1 to the two colleagues proposing change. Give Sheet 2 to the other team members.

Scenario 2 (suitable for most other groups)

The three of you have decided to run a Conflict Resolution Course in your local area. So far, you have advertised in relevant magazines and newsletters, but you're receiving little response. You have a limited budget so, Person A, you are suggesting that you do a leaflet drop – that is, have some leaflets printed and then walk around posting them in private letter boxes. You're so enthusiastic about this that it comes as a surprise when the others don't share your enthusiasm and they react very negatively. You, the two others, strongly react to this idea using negative statements, such as those previously listed on the board and others.

Person A, start the discussion.

Round 1

Discussion as indicated in the above scenarios. Allow 10 minutes for Scenario 1. Allow 3–5 minutes for Scenario 2.

Discussion: What happened? Did you get anywhere?

How did Person A (or colleagues suggesting change) handle the negative responses? Fight, flight or...?

Did two sides develop – “me” vs “them”?

Did Person A start justifying or defending the proposal? In what ways?

Did Person A back down – give the system up? Or start persecuting?

Did those opposing it feel that Person A listened to you, that your concerns were addressed? Did you persuade Person A?

What could you have done, Person A, to deal differently with their resistance (e.g. active listening, asking questions, preparing your case more thoroughly?)





In this round, we're going to focus on using open-ended questions to deal with this resistance.

Give out the handout: "Responding to Resistance from Others". Ask participants to look through it. Draw their attention to the idea of questioning as an antidote to negativity.

Most of the questions are open-ended. Closed questions allow people to give yes/no responses that tend to lock them into their positions. Open questions help to ''reframe'' our thinking by:

• exploring the details of an issue

• focusing on the positive possibilities to find a constructive solution to the difficulty.

Open questions, used in conjunction with active listening, show a willingness to listen and to consider.

As well, open questions help us elicit information which may be valuable to us in responding to others' concerns, or in helping us to shift ground, and to refine our ideas.

Often reframing responses include ''Yes, that's an option'' or ''She puts a different emphasis on ...'' Think, too, of examples of creative responses that help to shift our thinking, such as:

• an opportunity, instead of a stumbling block

• a risk taken instead of a failure

• the champagne year instead of the ''terrible two's".

Ask the groups to choose a different Person A or a different pair of colleagues to promote the idea outlined in either Scenario 1 or Scenario 2.

When Person A (or colleagues proposing change) hears negative conflict-creating statements they attempt to use open-ended questions and other "reframing" responses, such as those on the handout, to help shift the discussion. Remember, also, to use active listening skills.

Allow 5 minutes for Round 2.

Discussion: How was Round 2 different from Round 1? Was using ''reframing'' responses helpful? In what ways?

Did the opposers feel that Person A listened to them? What else happened? Did the opposers feel more receptive to the idea, or to the need for change?

Did Person A feel less threatened and, therefore, less need to justify and defend? What else happened?

Did you use any other techniques? (e.g. being prepared with more information)




How far did you progress in the discussion?


Ask the remaining people in the groups to take a turn as Person A or the colleagues proposing the change.

VARIATION 1

As for the last round, Person A, you use open-ended questions and active listening. As well, try to make a clarifying statement that sums up your viewpoint, which shows that you are taking account of others' concerns and are willing to adopt a problem-solving approach rather than getting stuck in a clash of wills.

Discussion: As for Round 2. As well:

Did Person A use a clarifying statement? How did it assist the discussion, your feelings etc?

What was the response of the opposers to the clarifying statement?

Did the clarifying statement use the principles of an "I" statement?

VARIATION 2

If using this activity in a session on negotiation, ask participants to prepare a ''thirty second opener''. First, present information on opening a negotiation. (See Chapter 10. Negotiation: Section E.)

Allow 5 minutes for individuals to work on the thirty second opener. Ask them to use the handout: "Thirty Second Opener'' to record and structure this opening statement. Only those participants playing Person A (or the colleagues proposing the change) will present their "thirty second openers". In discussion, others in the group can share their openers.

This time, Person A (or the colleagues proposing the change), introduce the topic using a thirty second opener. Others in the group respond as seems appropriate. If the thirty second opener is particularly effective, respond positively or perhaps with less resistance than you otherwise would. If you still feel resistance, express it, and Person A, you deal with it using open-ended questions and other reframing responses.


Encourage small groups to discuss the effectiveness of the ''thirty second opener". Ask them to compare the thirty second openers they all prepared to consider the variety of ways they might be constructed.

Allow 5 minutes.




Discussion: As for Round 2.

Was the thirty second opener effective?

How did the "opposers" respond?

In what ways was the discussion different to the previous occasions?

How could it be further improved?


Open-ended questions can be used to reframe resistance by exploring and redirecting the discussion.

They can also help reduce inflammation and bring down the emotional level to create a discussion in which issues can be explored.

Through the use of open-ended questions, useful information or ideas are often uncovered.

Having your own case well prepared and presenting it clearly are also often useful antidotes to conflict. In preparing your case, consider where participants fit in the DISC model, be clear on your outcome and flexible on the route, and adopt a win/win approach.

Making clarifying statements reminds us that we also have a right to have an input, and to have our viewpoint heard. (Refer to Chapter 4. Appropriate Assertiveness: Section C.)

(See over for Scenario handout masters.)




Simulation

A Proposal for Information Dissemination

(Sheet 1)

Colleagues Suggesting Change:

You are two members of a small management team.

For some time, you have both felt that the way information has been disseminated to your management team has been inefficient and inadequate. There is a huge amount of information. Currently, this is sorted into trays by the executive secretary according to type only – memos, journal articles, bulletins, news clippings etc.

Some of the material needs to be seen by all members of the management team and some is specific to only one or two members. The current system relies on individuals going to the meeting room and wading through this information to find relevant material. This means that, for example, memos are sometimes overlooked until too late, or that journal articles are missed completely as they are taken by one member and not returned.

Together you decided to try to devise a new system which you could put forward at the next meeting of your team.

You have already distributed a memo suggesting the following system:

The trays will no longer be used. The executive secretary will sort everything Into people's own pigeon holes.

Memos will be copied so all relevant people receive their own copy.

Some articles and journals will be circulated to everyone, with a cover sheet which people tick when they have seen it.

Other articles and journals will be circulated only to those people to whom they are directly relevant.

The executive secretary will decide which is which, and to whom everything will go.

As others in your team have also commented that there are currently problems with the way information is circulated, you expect that they will greet your ideas positively. At this morning's meeting you're prepared to outline and clarify the advantages of your proposal. Because you've worked conscientiously to prepare a workable system, you're expecting that others will be easily persuaded, so that nothing more than minor amendments will be necessary, before the system is adopted.

Please return this sheet to the trainer at the end of the activity.




Simulation

A Proposal for Information Dissemination

(Sheet 2)

Team Members:

You are a member of a management team.

At this morning's meeting, two of your colleagues are presenting a new system for disseminating information in the office.

There is a huge amount of information. Currently, this is sorted into trays by the executive secretary according to type only – memos, journal articles, bulletins, news clippings etc.

Some of the material needs to be seen by all members of the management team and some is specific to only one or two members. The current system relies on individuals going to the meeting room and looking through this information to find relevant material.

You have already received a memo suggesting the following system:

The trays will no longer be used. The executive secretary will sort everything into people's own pigeon holes.

Memos will be copied so all relevant people receive their own copy.

Some articles and journals will be circulated to everyone, with a coversheet which people tick when they have seen it.

Other articles and journals will be circulated only to those people to whom they are directly relevant.

The executive secretary will decide which is which, and to whom everything will go.

Your immediate response to the new system is negative. It's not that you can think of a better system, nor that you have worked out specific objections to their proposal. You know there are some problems with the existing system, but problems will always exist. And it sounds like a hassle to change the system, and get used to something new. You respond to the new system with conflict-creating statements such as:

"It will never work… because..."

"It will be too expensive… push up all our administration costs”.

"You just can't do that...because...''

"We've tried that already... it was no good”.

"It will be too much of a hassle”.

"You're being naive if you think...''

''How dare you suggest these changes without consulting..."

Please return this sheet to the trainer at the end of the activity.





Developing Responses to Deal with Resistance from Others


Context: When people use extreme statements or generalisations that create conflict, we often retort in similar extremes. Using open-ended questions and other creative responses, we can contribute to solving difficulties constructively and focusing on positive possibilities. (See Chapter 5 Co-operative Power Section K)

Time: 5 minutes

Aim : To formulate appropriate reframing responses and practise delivering them.

Handout: “Responding to Resistance from Others”

Instructions: Ask the group for examples of negative conflict-creating statements – the types of things people often say in response to a new idea (as per Chapter 5. Co-operative Power: Section K). Write these on the board.

In this activity, we will work in pairs to practise delivering ''reframing'' responses to difficult conflict-creating statements.

Give out the handout: ''Responding to Resistance from Others". Ask participants to look through it. Draw their attention to the idea of questioning as an antidote to negativity and resistance.

Most of the questions are open-ended. Closed questions allow people to give yes/no responses that tend to lock them into their positions. Open questions help to "reframe" our thinking by:

• exploring the details of an issue.

• focusing on positive possibilities to find a constructive solution to the difficulty.

Open questions, used in conjunction with active listening, show a willingness to listen and to consider.

As well, open questions help us elicit information which may be valuable to us in responding to others' concerns, or in helping us to shift ground, to refine our own ideas etc.




Round 1

Instructions: Person A, you think of a recent situation in which a conflict-creating statement was made to you, to which you found it difficult to respond. Tell Person B briefly about the situation and what the statement is and then, together, try to formulate an appropriate reframing response.

When you are satisfied, do a small role play.

Person A sets up the situation. Person B makes the conflict-creating statement. Person A tries delivering an open-ended question or other ''reframing'' response. Person B answers; A responds yet again. Allow 3 or 4 statements from each person. Then discuss it.

Allow 7 minutes.

Discussion: How did the reframing response work?

Did it help shift the focus of the discussion?

Round 2

Instructions: Reverse roles. As for Round 1.

Allow 7 minutes.

Discussion: What did you notice?


Open-ended questions help to reframe resistance by exploring and redirecting the discussion.

They can also help reduce inflammation and bring the discussion to an emotional level at which issues can be explored.

Through the use of open-ended questions, useful information or ideas are often uncovered.



Co–operative Power H.5.1

Manipulation and Influence

Co-operation and consensus depend on people influencing others. However, when people feel tricked or forced, chances are that someone has used manipulation. There is no simple way to distinguish ''manipulation'' from ''influence'' in all cases. There is no clear boundary between them. We can, nevertheless, explore some of their prominent features.

How do people tend to feel when they have been treated like this?

manipulated

influenced with integrity

What are some differences between these?

manipulation influence

What tend to be some common consequences of these?

manipulation influence




Power Game Triangle

Persecuting

"I'm OK You're not OK”.

‘‘It’s got to be your fault”.

Often wins in the short term.

Often alienates others.

Pay Off:

__________________________

Observations:

__________________________

__________________________

__________________________

__________________________

__________________________

Playing Victim

"I'm not OK. You're OK”

"I'm helpless and I need someone to fix things for me”.

Maintains self pity.

Stays stuck in inappropriate situations.

Pay Off:

__________________________

Observations:

__________________________

__________________________

__________________________

__________________________

__________________________

Rescuing

"I'm OK. You're not OK''

"Other people need my help”.

Solves problems for others by helping too much and too frequently

Acts as a buffer between persecutors and victims.

Pay Off:

__________________________

Observations:

__________________________

__________________________

__________________________

__________________________

__________________________




Transforming the Power Game Triangle into the Discovery Circle

What can be done to transform the power game triang le?

Instead of persecuting…

__________________________

__________________________

__________________________

__________________________

__________________________

__________________________

Instead of rescuing…

__________________________

__________________________

__________________________

__________________________

__________________________

__________________________

Instead of playing victim…

_________________________

_________________________

_________________________

_________________________

_________________________

_________________________

What word could you use to describe each of these alternative sets of behaviours?

__________________________

__________________________

_________________________

Exclusion

Alienation

Control

Consultation

Participation

Co-operation

Power Game Triangle Discovery Circle




Discovery Circle

Persecuting → Consulting

(add your own word)

_______________________

Listen to others to find out needs.

Offer constructive feedback.

Reduce blame and criticism.

Include others in open and more flexible decision-making.

Show respect for all needs.

Incorporate as many as viable.

Encourage sharing of expertise.

Provide information.

Acknowledge own needs and concerns.

Express own needs assertively.

Rescuing → Facilitating

(add your own word)

_______________________

Clarify own needs and concerns.

State needs assertively.

Ask questions to check how much help is appropriate.

Assist those playing persecutor and victim to listen to each other.

Ask questions to explore perspectives of others.

Discuss consequences of persisting with current behaviours.

Help others develop strategies for effective problem-solving.

Playing Victim → Taking Responsibility

(add your own word) _________________________

State assertively own intentions and perspectives.

Clarify and state own needs.

Seek appropriate support, information, skills and assistance.

Acknowledge that others have needs.

Ask questions to explore others' needs and concerns.

Avoid blaming others and circumstances.

Reduce demands on others.

Check own motivation: am I willing to fix the problem?

Choose and act upon a realistic option.




Ten Empowering Thoughts

o ''Life is not anything; it is only the opportunity for something.'' Friedrick Hebbel, a German poet. It is what you bring to life that is significant – not what life brings to you.

o Life can be a continual process of growth and development. If you choose to regard it this way, you add meaning and direction to it.

o Everything and everyone is on your side if you decide to see it that way.

o Look for a good intention behind apparently unkind behaviour.

o Overwhelming events can be opportunities for change and for unfolding new levels of strength and love.

o Failure is a splendid chance to learn.

o Success starts with commitment. Everything flows from that.

o Hold your fear in one hand and your courage in the other. Fear alone is not a reason to avoid something.

o Align your personal power with life. Accept the present before imagining what might be.

o Be here now. The point of power is in the present. This is not a rehearsal for your life, this is it.

''Ultimate power is the ability to produce the results you desire most and create value for others in the process. Power is the ability to change your life, to shape your

perceptions, to make things work for you and not against you. Real power is shared, not imposed.

It's the ability to define human needs and to fulfil them – both your needs and the needs of the people you care about. It's the ability to direct your own personal kingdom – your

own thought processes, your own behaviour – so you produce the precise results you desire. ''

Anthony Robbins Unlimited Power

(New York: Simon & Schuster 1986) p20–1




Transforming "I Should'' to "I Choose''

SHOULD CHOOSE

Demands I am currently imposing on myself.

Examples:

Identify the outside pressure. What do I see myself submitting to – present or internalised past?

Change the perspective. My own best reason for doing this, such as the benefits received.

Add extra ingredients . Make this task more pleasant or rewarding, or less tiresome.

I should review the current office procedures.

The pressure to be professional, efficient and more customer focussed

I choose to review the procedures because it will enable time to be used more efficiently in the long term.

I'll arrange a morning at home to work on it, no telephone, good coffee.

I should attend my child's tennis match on Saturday morning.

Internalised societal expectations own parents' modelling of "good parenting"

I choose to attend the tennis match because it builds my relationship with my child.

I will invite a friend so I have a chance to do a bit of socialising.




Personal Power: I Should vs I Choose

I Should I Choose

Authority Autonomy

Adapted and used with permission from Integro Aust Pty Ltd




Demand Behaviour – Power Over

Person: ................................................... Do your answers have any of these elements?

What behaviour do you think the person should change?

MY POWER OVER

Why do you think the person behaves this way?

How do you think the person should behave and how do you communicate that to the person? (Consider overt/covert verbal/ non-verbal methods)

How does/might the person respond to your ''should''?

Depending on the person's response to your ''should'', what might you do next? (Consider reward, punishment, blaming, withdrawal etc.)




An Alternative to Demand Behaviour – Power With

Person: ................................................... Do your answers have any of these elements?

What is the issue you want to work on? (Separate the person from the problem.)

MY POWER WITH

What is the other person's perspective? What are the other person's needs?

What is the outcome you want or that is required? How can that be achieved and/or communicated?

How might the other person respond to your desired outcome?

Depending on the other person's response, what might you do next?




Exploring Positive Aspects from The Past

Complete own example Examples

Identify an event/situation which, at the time, I would have preferred not to have happened or to have happened differently.

My father's death when I was a child.

Having the staff review project taken out of my hands.

What was my response to that event at the time? (feelings, actions…)

Hurt, angry, deserted, spent a lot of time in my room.

Angry, defensive. Not appreciated.

What is my response to that event now? (feelings, actions...)

Angry. I don't think it was fair. I miss my dad.

Still angry. Can't be bothered. Avoid my boss.

What have been some negative outcomes of that event? (changed circumstances, outlook...)

Mucked around in high school. Not financially secure. Mum often stressed, tired.

Job less interesting. l'm demotivated.

What have been some positive outcomes of that event? (changed circumstances, outlook, growth, direction.)

Did Uni as mature age student. I am very independent. Mum and I and my siblings are very close.

More time to spend on other projects. Less stressed.

What have I done to deal with this event?

Concluded you get battered round in life. Tried not to think about lost relationship with dad.

Avoided my boss. Started not caring about work.

What more can I do to resolve my response and to move on?

Let myself really feel how much I miss dad. Write a letter to him saying goodbye. Talk with mum.

Make an appointment with my boss to discuss it. Value less stress and more time to focus on other tasks.




Strategies to Deal with Difficult Behaviours

Goal Examples of difficult behaviours

Strategies to deal with these behaviours

Gaining Power

Gaining Attention

Appearing Inadequate

Seeking Revenge

Particular behaviour with which I have difficulty

Action plan for dealing with this behaviour (Consider: listing strategies, representing the problem in diagram or flow chart form etc.)

Behaviour ___________________

In whom ___________________

In what setting ___________________




Dealing With Difficult Behaviours

People's behaviour is goal-directed. We look for ways to be secure, feel significant, to belong, and to protect our sense of identity. When a person feels threatened a downward spiral may begin. The person may substitute other goals, in the belief that this is a way to gain security, significance, belonging, and identity. How we respond to these behaviours and beliefs will, in turn, affect the person's future behaviour.

The secret is to break out of the spiral by supporting the person's real needs without supporting the difficult behaviours and beliefs.



Managing Emotions 6.13

Difficult Behaviour: Goals & Unconscious

Beliefs The Downward Spiral Better Alternatives

Gaining Power (''I only feel secure when I am in control, when no-one can boss me!'')

You feel provoked or threatened and react by fighting or giving in. Their aggression is intensified or they comply defiantly.

Disengage from the struggle. Help them to use power constructively by enlisting co-operation.

Support their self-worth and autonomy.

Gaining Attention

("I only feel significant when I am being noticed.'')

You feel annoyed and react by coaxing. They stop briefly, and then resume behaviour and demands perhaps in a new way.

Avoid undue attention. Give attention for positive behaviour especially when they are not making a bid for it.

Support their real contribution and involvement.

Appearing Inadequate

("I won't be hurt any more, if only I can convince others not to expect much from me. If they look after me, I'll feel I belong.”)

You give up, overwhelmed, or take over the task for them. They respond passively, show no improvement and stay ''victim''.

Encourage any positive attempt, no matter how small. Focus on assets. Provide bite-sized learning experiences they can succeed at.

Support how they feel, as a starting place for self-improvement.

Seeking Revenge

(“You've hurt me. I’ll make you hurt as I am hurting. I have my sense of identity by standing against you.”)

You feel hurt by them, and retaliate. They seek further revenge more strongly or with another weapon.

Convince them that you respect their needs. Build trusting relationships.

Support their need for justice and fairness.

Adapted from Rudolph Dreikurs and Vicky Soltz Children: The Challenge (NY: Hawthorn, 1964).




Responding to Resistance from Others

When faced with a statement that has potential to create conflict ask open questions to reframe resistance: Explore the difficulties and then redirect discussion to focus on positive possibilities

EXPLORE Clarify Details

It's too expensive. � Compared to what? Too many/much/little/few. � Compared to what? I want the best. � What would be best for you?

Find Options

You can't do that around here. � What would happen if we did? He (she) would never � How can we find ways for it to happen? They always... � Are there any times they don't? We've tried that already. � What was the outcome? This is the only way to do it � Yes, that's an option. What else could we consider? –

REDIRECT Move to the Positive

It will never work. � What would it take to make it work? I won't... � What would make you willing? It's a failure. � How could it work? It's disastrous. � What would make it better? He's (she's) useless. � What is he (she) doing that is acceptable? It's impossible � What would it take to make it possible? I can't. � You can't see a way to do it at the moment? I don't want to � What would you like?

Go Back to Legitimate Needs and Concerns

He's (she's) a hopeless case! � It's hard to see how to work with him (her)? You fool (and other insults)! � What do we need to do to sort this out? How dare you do such a things � What do you dislike about it? It should be done my way. � What makes that seem the best option? His/her place is a pig's sty! � Does he/she put a different emphasis on tidiness to you? He/she doesn't do their fair share � Where do you think his/her priorities may lie?




Managing Emotions

Objectives: To realise the importance of acknowledging and expressing emotions.

To learn skills for identifying and managing emotions more effectively – both ours and other people's.

Session Times: 3 hours: Sections A–F

2 hours: Sections A, C, E and F

1 ½ hours: Sections A–C

½ hour: Sections B and F


Empathy (including Active Listening)


Section: A. Identifying Emotions and their Effects 6.17

B. Expressing Our Emotions 6.19

C. Handling Our Own Anger 6.22

D. Managing Our Emotions 6.22

E. Handling Difficult Emotions in Others 6.23

F. Concluding Discussion 6.24

Activities: Exploring Our Emotional Responses to Conflict A.6.1

Focusing A.6.3

Handling Another Person's Inflammation A.6.6




Handouts: Section A: How Do You Feel Today? H.6.1

Accepting Our Emotions H.6.2

Section B: Cycle of Emotion H.6.3

Section C: Handling Your Own Anger H.6.1

Section D: Exploring Our Response to Conflict H.6.2

Focusing on Conflict H.6.3

Section E: Handling Difficult Emotions in Others H.6.4




Managing Emotions

Don't indulge! Don't deny!

Create richer relationships!

III. Identifying Emotions and their Effects (30 minutes)

Question: Think of a recent conflict. What emotion(s) did you feel?

Discussion: Ask participants to jot down their answers. Then write them on the board and use the following questions to stimulate a short discussion.

Question: In what part of your body do you experience these e motions?

Discussion: Draw out participants' responses. In addition, you might consider.

• ''butterflies'' and churning in the stomach

• stiffness: tight muscles and tension in neck, shoulders, jaw, chest

• headache.

Question: What effect do emotions have on the progress and ou tcome of a conflict?


• may impede it, cause attention to shift from the issue to the emotion

• inhibits listening and expression of concerns

• leads to suppression and avoidance of the issue because it's too uncomfortable.

Question: Are there times when emotions are overwhelming? Wha t happens then?


• Emotions take over.

• It may result in screaming, crying, physical and verbal violence.

• There is complete avoidance because of fear of repeating the scene.




Question: Are there some emotions which are more significant than others with regard to conflict? Which are they?

From this discussion, you may like to consider more deeply one, or even a few, emotions which are difficult for people to manage. Encourage comments from participants and give additional information when needed. If time is limited, concentrate on anger as this is the emotion which most frequently causes people difficulty.

• Anger: When appropriately expressed, anger can be a fire for change. Only when it's misdirected, or inappropriately expressed, is it destructive. Recognising and accepting our own anger will provide the impetus for change. Off-loading it onto others, making ''them the bad guys", gives away our personal power and often leaves us stuck with the problem.

• Resentment: This is like frozen anger and is a feeling that blames others for a situation or for a hurt we feel. It's an ''export job'' – a way of holding others apart from us, to maintain a position of being right, superior or self-righteous. It's often easier to feel resentment rather than to take responsibility for other feelings, or for changing the situation.

• Hurt: Underneath resentment and anger there is often hurt. Acknowledging that you feel hurt is empowering. The alternatives are often to withdraw, to seek revenge or to feel resentment. All of these contribute to the escalation of conflict. Often it is easier for others to acknowledge our hurt than our anger. When talking about our anger, we may be better received if we also talk about our hurt.

• Guilt: Guilt can be very self-destructive when we allow it to gnaw away at us. It can be productive when we allow ourselves to feel it fully, and then move on by seeking to understand the source of our guilt. It is then that we can choose what needs to be done to resolve it. All we may be able to do is decide not to do what we did again, in a similar situation. Or we may be able to learn a new way of behaving.

• Regret: Often when we show anger or resentment, we are also hiding regret. We have great difficulty in experiencing and expressing the pain and sorrow under the anger and resentment. Fear, anxiety and embarrassment block the expression of regret. Regret is a huge feeling that is the acknowledgement of the unfulfilled potential of a situation. It is often the last emotion before we let go of the ''if only's'' and reach a place of acceptance.

• Fear: We often experience this when we feel out of control of a situation. Fear arises from our interpretation of what the outcome will be: physical or emotional hurt, or consequences that will diminish us or our circumstances in some way. Here are two useful acronyms:




Write on the board:

Fantasy Experienced

As Reality

and

False Evidence Appearing

Real

Separating the interpretation from the reality, and becoming centred within ourselves will allow us to choose appropriate action. Fear warns us that we feel out of control and need to proceed with caution and perhaps get some help or gather more information.

Give out handouts: "How do You Feel Today?" and ''Accepting Our Emotions''.

JJJ. Expressing Our Emotions (30 minutes)

Question: What are some of the ways we express or deal with o ur emotions? You might like to think of one-off and on -going ways .

Discussion: Clarity the difference between long term and short term.

One-off or short term techniques are useful when we're unable to deal completely with the emotion at the time e.g. in a meeting, at a social function, or other setting where it's inappropriate. On-going or long term techniques are those which we build into our daily lives to release tension.

Write participants' ideas on the board. You might want to add some of the following examples:

one-off

breathe deeply take time out doodle stamp your foot snap a pencil tear up a piece of paper have a cup of tea

on-going,

exercise talk listen meditate cuddle write a journal




Question: What happens if we don't express our emotions?


• ill health

• stress

• withdrawal

• explosion

• diminished capacity to experience pleasure and happiness.

At an appropriate point in the discussion, draw a line on the board showing suppression (i.e. not expressing) as part of a continuum resulting in explosion.

Explosion is usually unproductive and often misdirected. A small incident can often be a trigger for discharging suppressed feelings. We may dump these feelings inappropriately, for example, on a shop assistant processing a sale more slowly than we would like.

Question: What prevents us from expressing our emotions?


• cultural expectations

• family background

• workplace and social decorum

• self-image

Question: Does this mean that we often have no alternative th an to suppress, or is there another option?

Discussion: Draw out participants' ideas. When appropriate, draw another line, in a different colour, under the first line. (See above.)

suppression explosion (implosion)

containment expression




Question: How do ''suppressing'' and ''containing'' feel diff erent? How are their consequences different?

Suppressing:

• feels tense, stressful, with breathing often very shallow

• leads to avoidance of conflict, constant stress and possibly ill health

• is fearful of the emotion, and tries to sidestep it.

Containing:

• is releasing some tension through acknowledging the feeling and putting it on temporary hold

• is breathing deeply

• leads to confidence to deal with conflict, less stress, empowerment and better health

• is holding the emotion, feeling it and choosing not to make it public.

Question: What about differences between ''expressing'' and ' 'exploding'', in feelings and consequences?

Exploding:

• feels like losing control

• may result in residual tension from guilt

• may lead to damaged relationships.

Expressing:

• is letting go, cathartic

• leads to feelings of relief and completion

• is a component of the constructive resolution of conflict.

Give out handout: "The Cycle of Emotion'', drawing participants' attention to the process whereby emotions are acknowledged, and managed effectively to reach resolution. Contrast this with less effective management resulting in incomplete resolution.




KKK. Handling Our Own Anger (20 minutes)

Because anger is such a passionate and powerful emotion, it is one that often overwhelms us. It also is one that often leads to explosion unless we learn to handle it productively.

Give out handout: "Handling Your Own Anger''.

Work through each point, encouraging participants to comment or expand on the ideas. Ask participants to complete the question: "In what part of your body do you notice tension when angry?'' Then encourage them to share their responses with a partner.

Allow 3 minutes.

In the same way, move on to the last two points on the page. Ask participants to complete the boxes on on-going and one-off tension release techniques, and then share their responses with a partner.

Allow a further 3 minutes.

Encourage participants to make comments or ask questions in the large group.

Learning to handle our anger in appropriate ways

• frees us to deal more constructively with conflict

• helps us to avoid a build up of tension in our lives, which can lead to an inability to function effectively.

LLL. Managing Our Emotions (40–45 minutes)

Below are two approaches for exploring our emotional responses to conflict. Choose to do one or more of these, if there is sufficient time and if appropriate to the group. (See also Part IV: Aikido and Part V: Bioenergetics.)

Exploring Our Emotional Responses to Conflict: working in pairs and using a set of questions, participants reflect on and explore their emotional responses to conflict. (See Managing Emotions Activities, p A.6.1.) (45 minutes)

Focusing: working in pairs, participants learn a through-the-body approach to unravelling a problem to which there are difficult emotions. (See Managing Emotions Activities, p A.6.3.) (40 minutes)




MMM. Handling Difficult Emotions in Others (40 minutes)

For more information see p 134–139, Helena Cornelius and Shoshana Faire, Everyone Can Win 2nd edition. (Sydney: Simon & Schuster (Australia) P/L, 2006.)

Review the emotions identified in Section A which are sometimes difficult for people to handle, or focus your attention entirely on anger, as this is often the emotion in others with which we have most difficulty.

Question: What do you feel, and what do you do when confronte d with difficult emotions in others?

Discussion: Draw out participants' responses. Write them on the board under two headings:

What we feel What we do

Question: How productive are these reactions?

Discussion: Stimulate discussion with further questions:

Do these reactions inflame the situation?

Do they help to resolve it?

Are there later consequences? (e.g. feelings of distress, tiredness, powerlessness)

Question: Now, think of a difficult emotional behaviour in ot hers which you've had some success in handling. What did you d o?

Ask participants to write down their answers.

Group Activity: Handling Difficult Emotions in Others: working in small groups of five or six, participants share with each other the successful strategies they've used to handle difficult emotions. (See below for details.) (20 minutes)

Divide the large group into small groups of five or six.

In your small groups, share strategies that you have found successful in dealing with difficult emotions in others. You may be able to think of specific examples. There may have been several steps in the strategies you used. Try to identify them, and make a note of them.

Allow 15 minutes.

Then ask the small groups to consider the following question.

Question: Are there any common patterns in these successful s trategies?




Discussion: Allow a further 10 minutes in small group discussion, and then form again into the large group.

Discussion: Ask for examples of the strategies participants used. Explore these strategies to identify the following components:

• managing own reaction (not becoming inflamed, defensive etc.)

• active listening for feelings and facts

• making "I" Statements

• focusing on the issue, not the person

• asking clarifying and reframing open-ended questions

• rewarding behaviour you want

• negotiating a solution that takes account of both your and their needs

• expressing support and reassurance.

Give out the handout: ''Handling Difficult Emotions in Others".

Group Activity: Handling Another Person's Inflammation: a role play in which participants practise these active listening skills. (See Managing Emotions Activities, p A.6.6.) (20 minutes)

NNN. Concluding Discussion (10 minutes)

We experience emotions in our bodies and in our minds, so we need to deal with them in a variety of ways. We can have a felt sense of them, we can analyse, we can explore, we can centre our energy.

We need to accept our emotions, not deny them or indulge them. We just need to know that they exist, and to use them to build richer relationships.

It is valuable to look for the core of our emotional response, to focus.

We need ways of safely releasing and appropriately expressing our emotions for our well-being and the well-being of our relationships.

We need to practise ways of handling difficult emotions in others:

• active listening

• giving support and reassurance

• selecting out what is valid from emotional dumping

• re-directing statements that create or inflame conflict towards positive possibilities in the situation.



Managing Emotions A. 6.1

Managing Emotions Activities

Exploring Our Emotional Responses to Conflict


Context: Often people don’t find time to reflect on their emotional responses to a conflict. This can result in stress and the inability to resolve the situation. (See Chapter 5, Managing Emotions: Section D.)

Time: 20–50 minutes

Aims: To reflect on feelings in a current conflict situation

To identify possible action to help resolve the conflict, and to move on.

Handout: “Exploring Our Response to Conflict”

Instructions: Ask participants to think about a recent conflict. Say to the group:

What were the emotions you experienced? Can you sense those feelings now?

Ask participants to jot down their responses, or just to sit quietly and re-live them. They may expand on the conflict and emotions they identified in Managing Emotions: Section A or think of another.

Give out the handout: "Exploring Our Response to Conflict''.

Expand on each of the five questions. (See Everyone Can Win, 2nd edition, p131–132.)

If time is very limited, then you could also discuss the goals now and recommend that participants work through the entire page themselves at another time.

Preferably, divide the group into pairs with Partners A and B.

Round 1

During the next few minutes we will each have the opportunity, using the questions on the handout, to focus on our feelings in a current conflict situation.

In each pair, one will be the speaker and the other the listener. Later, we'll reverse roles.




Partners A, you start by giving a brief account of the conflict and then talk your way through each of the questions, delving as deeply as you can and are willing, to understand your own feelings and responses. Some questions may be more relevant than others so attend to each of them as much or as little as is appropriate.

Partners B, you give your attention to the speakers as completely as you can. Help them focus their own thoughts by active listening, by summarising what they say and by asking clarifying questions.

Work with the five questions only. We'll deal with the five goals separately. Take your time to do this – you have about 15 minutes. Don't reverse roles.

Then draw the group's attention to the five goals to pursue when communicating emotions. Relate these goals back to the need to express emotions appropriately. (Managing Emotions: Section B.) Expand on each of the goals. (See Everyone Can Win , 2nd edition p133.) Allow another 5 minutes for the same speakers to explore where they go next.

Round 2

Partners A and B reverse roles. Partner B becomes the speaker, Partner A becomes the listener.

Allow a further 20 minutes.

Debriefing: This can be a very emotional exercise for some people, so it can be helpful to schedule it to finish just before a break, and not just before the end of a session.

What was significant in that process for you?

For many of you, some significant feelings might have been aroused. What could you do to deal with these feelings? (After participants have responded, you might add: centre, write down thoughts and feelings, talk with another person, give ourselves some time and space to further reflect.)





Focusing


Context: The best way of dealing with a difficult emotion is to feel and explore its depths. The art of focusing is a through-the-body method of unravelling a problem. (See Chapter 5: Managing Emotions: Section D.)

Time: 40 minutes

Aims: To learn the art of focusing, of becoming aware of a felt sense of emotions

To experience the release of energy, known as body shift when you remember or label accurately for the first time something that is hard to bring to your conscious mind.

Handout: “Focusing on Conflict”

Instructions: We're going to learn a technique that enables us to experience our entire response to a particular situation. It is very helpful when you are trying to contain emotions rather than suppress them. (See Chapter 5. Managing Emotions: Section B.)

Conflict is not only a mental experience, it's a physical one. It encompasses everything you know and feel about a problem at a given time. It communicates itself to you all at once rather than detail by detail.

As a lead to understanding this, put both your hands out in front of you and close your eyes. In one hand, imagine you're holding an orange. Sense what it feels like – its texture, its weight, its size. (Pause) In your other hand, imagine you're holding a tennis ball. Immediately, you'll have a sense that it's different to the orange. Feel those differences. (Pause)

Now, with your eyes still closed, let go of the orange and the ball.

Drop your hands.

This time, sense your mother. Don't go into details. Just tune into yourself and into the general sense of "all about your mother". Feel your awareness of your mother in your whole body. (Pause) Now, sense ''all about your father". (Pause)

Notice the difference. (Pause)

Ask people to open their eyes.




This felt sense is often difficult to label. It's large, complicated and even fuzzy, and may be unclear until you focus on It.

Focusing is a way of unravelling the many emotional threads that make up your response to a person, a situation, a conflict. It includes the emotion, and it is more than the emotion. It's a way of peeling back the layers to reach and label the core of your response. Usually that response is felt not in arms, legs or head but in the core of the body – somewhere from the chest to the belly. When you're learning to focus, it's good to find a time and place where you can be comfortable and undisturbed. We're going to try it now.

Ask the group to sit in pairs facing each other. You could quietly play some soft background music. Use a gentle tone of voice to encourage reflection.

Close your eyes and think of a significant conflict or problem you are presently facing in your life. Feel all about this conflict – don't go into it, just sense it. (Pause a minute or so.)

If you can, find where in your body you feel its tension. Stay with that feeling. What is the main thing in it? Don't answer... listen, rather than tell yourself. Let words or images come up out of this feeling. (Pause another minute.)

Go back and forth between words and the feeling. Look for a word or several words to accurately label the feeling. (Pause another minute.)

When you make an accurate match, let yourself feel it for a minute. (Pause a minute.)

When you're ready, open your eyes and wait for a moment.

When everyone has opened their eyes, continue:

Choose who will go first. Try telling your partner something about that experience. Were there any changes in feeling and in the words you used? Was there any sense of completion or of relief? Don't give them the history or details, stay with where you are right now. Listeners, encourage speakers to continue focusing while they are telling you, by checking back with them that their descriptions are the right words for the felt sense they now have. Don't let this time be idle chatter. It should continue to be reflective. After accurately describing a felt sense, something lets go, and often in a short space of time the felt sense shifts and takes on a new perspective, which now waits to be accurately named.

The person listening can encourage that sharing by asking focusing questions: What do you mean by that? Is there something under that? Is that all, or is there more? The real essence of active listening (as covered in the Empathy section) is to help the other person to focus.

Allow 5–10 minutes for each person's turn.




Discussion: Encourage participants to share anything significant for them in that process.

Did you notice any changes?

Did you feel any sense of emotional release or relief?

Conclude this segment by talking about body shift .

Have you ever walked out of the house and known that you've forgotten something, but you can't remember what it is? There is a tension while you search to bring the forgotten object to consciousness. Un-named, unconscious processes during conflict hold the same sort of tension.

When you accurately label a problem, bringing it to consciousness, you will often feel a sense of sudden physical release, a letting go. You feel it right through you. It feels like exhaling after holding your breath, like something somewhere in your body has unknotted or become unstuck.

You might shift in your seat, sigh, loosen some facial tension, or more comfortably relax your shoulders, your neck or your overall posture. When this body shift occurs, you know that you've correctly labelled your feeling. Then you have the power to change and to move towards a more successful way of living.

Refer participants to the books Everyone Can Win , 2nd edition p 125–129 and Eugene Gendlin, Focusin g (New York: Bantam, 1981) for more information.

Give out the handout: ''Focusing on Conflict".





Handling Another Person's Inflammation


Context: People can often do well with a win/win approach when everyone is calm, but when emotions are high and the other person is accusing, people frequently react rather than respond. (See Chapter 5: Managing Emotions, Section E.)

Time: 20 minutes

Aim: To practice appropriate ways of responding when under pressure.

Handout: “Handling Difficult Emotions in Others”

Instructions: We're going to practise handling another person’s inflamed behaviour by doing a role play in pairs. We'll refer to the points on the handout: ''Handling Difficult Emotions in Others" .

Remind participants of the main steps in responding to inflammation.

Receive – really listen. Try not to become defensive.

Notice – check your feelings. How are you feeling? Acknowledge this to yourself.

Centre – breathe. Remember to breathe deeply. When you block your breathing, you block your responsiveness. Try to be centred.

Listen again – re-focus on the other person. Use your active listening skills to respond to the person's needs.

Divide the group into pairs: A is inflamed, B responds.

Pairs can either think of a relevant situation themselves, or use the following situation:

Sample Situation:

There are two neighbours: A and B. Neighbour B has parked a car partially over the driveway and has done it a number of times previously. Neighbour A could drive a car out, but with difficulty.

Neighbour A is inflamed and says something like this: "This is the third time you've parked your car across my driveway. I'm fed up. You're inconsiderate. I hate living next to you. You leave your garbage bin out for three days. Your dog deposits on my lawn etc."




Extra instructions for Neighbour A – the inflamed p erson.

Work with your partner to provide them with an opportunity to practise the skill. If Neighbour B replies non-defensively and in a way that makes you feel you have been heard, tone down your anger and give a slightly less angry second attack so that Neighbour B can have another go. If the response would have inflamed you more, increase the anger in your next statements. Include a clue as to why the response has further inflamed you e.g. "You're not hearing what I'm saying”. You're not taking me seriously.''

Extra instructions for Neighbour B – the responder.

Bring up your tone of voice balancing it between your own mood and that of Neighbour A. A lighter version of some of Neighbour A's gestures or facial expressions might naturally go along with this.

The purpose is to communicate rapport, not to compete, defend or attack. It is to communicate a willingness to respond close to Neighbour A's level of intensity about the issue. As the level of intensity of Neighbour A’s attack drops, make sure you drop yours too. It should probably always be a little lower than Neighbour A's, so that there is a gradual soothing effect. You will want to soothe the person as well as remaining attentive.

Allow 3 minutes for the role play. Then ask partners to spend 2 minutes sharing how they felt, what was working, what was difficult and so on. Reverse roles and repeat.

Discussion: How did you feel when you were under attack?

How difficult was it to refrain from arguing with the person?

What were the difficulties in active listening?

When you were inflamed, what particularly helped to calm you?

Was there anything said or done which further inflamed you?


When people are inflamed and there is high emotion, they are often less controlled and cannot think logically. So it's impossible to have a satisfactory conversation when there is high emotion and, therefore, much more difficult to develop options.

Your purpose is to assist such people to reduce their level of emotion so they can think more logically and move towards win/win outcomes.

Over-controlled, super-calm active listening statements used when the other person is very angry, sound fake and, indeed, often are. They will probably irritate the person further. Show some intensity, but respond rather than react.



Managing Emotions H.6.1

How Do You Feel Today?




Accepting Our Emotions All emotions are acceptable and valuable. There is no emotion we should not feel. They are all part of what it is to be a human being. The challenge is to find appropriate ways of expressing them.

EMOTIONS THAT ARE SOMETIMES DIFFICULT FOR US TO HAN DLE

Anger: When mobilised and appropriately expressed, anger is a fire for change and a way of letting others know their behaviour is unacceptable to us. Look for the hurt that is sometimes underneath.

"I need change. I need to communicate this."

Resentment: Resentment is an export job, blaming others for how we feel or for the situation we're in.

It is immobilised anger. Look for what could help it to shift.

"I need to take responsibility for how I really feel and to change this situation.”

Hurt: Hurt tells us that our needs are not being met, or that our self-esteem has been wounded. Often it deepens our relationship if we can communicate our hurt without resentment.

"I need to be close. I need to be healed.''

Fear: Fear warns us that we need to proceed with caution, to seek help, to get more information, and to separate fantasy from reality.

"I need to take care. I need help."

Guilt: Guilt comes about when we act or feel something different to what we expected of ourselves. It indicates there is the possibility for a better response.

"I need to make amends or do things differently next time.''

Regret: Regret is a huge feeling that can encompass pain and sorrow. It is the acknowledgement of the unfulfilled potential of a situation. It is often the last emotion before we let go of the ''if only'' and reach a place of acceptance.

"I need to acknowledge my pain and accept it without denial. ''




Cycle of Emotion

__________________ effective management of emotions

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - less effective management of emotions



Willingness to Resolve 7.1

Handling Your Own Anger

• When anger is experienced, adrenalin is released into the body. Blood rushes to our legs, arms, and head; we begin to sweat and to breathe quickly. Our heartbeat speeds up; we may have a strong urge to yell, scream, kick, hit or run. We tend to react by fight or flight.

• Anger is either physically released at the time it is experienced, or it is

suppressed. Since it is rarely appropriate to release anger physically for fear of damaging relationships or causing bodily harm, it is often suppressed.

• If not released at the time it is experienced, anger gets stored in our bodies as

muscular tension. The particular part of the body affected varies considerably from person to person.

In what part of your body do you notice tension when you are angry?

• If this tension is not released, one of two things may happen. It may build up

until it can no longer be suppressed, and we explode at (or ''dump'' on) someone who may have had nothing to do with the original anger. It may remain unreleased and, over a period of many years, cause chronic muscular holding patterns and possibly damage to our immune system.

• When deciding on a way to release our anger which is right for us, we need to

remember that the tension is best released in a manner consistent with the intensity of the emotion. (e.g. when we feel like hitting someone, swimming may be more appropriate than meditating.) Many people prefer regular on-going activities which prevent the excessive build-up of day-to-day tensions in the first place. As well, most of us well use some techniques for releasing tension on occasions after a particularly strong experience of anger or frustration or upset.

On-going Tension Release Techniques

One-off Tension Release Techniques




Exploring Our Response to Conflict

Five questions – Five Goals Don’t indulge! Don’t deny! Create richer relationships!

FIVE QUESTIONS When angry / hurt / frightened:

Why am I feeling so angry / hurt / frightened? _____________________________ _________________________________________________________________

What do I want to change? ____________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________

What do I need in order to let go of this feeling? ___________________________ _________________________________________________________________

Whose problem is this, really? How much is mine? How much is the other person’s? _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________

What is the “message” I infer from the situation? (e.g. he doesn’t like me, she doesn’t respect me.) _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________

FIVE GOALS in communicating emotions:

Aim: to avoid the desire to punish or blame To improve the situation To communicate my feelings appropriately To improve the relationship and increase communication To avoid repeating the same situation

What could I say? ___________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________

If communicating my emotions is not appropriate, what other action can I take? _________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________




Focusing on Conflict

1. Preparing: Find a time and place to sit undisturbed and comfortable. Possibly close your eyes.

2. Clearing a space: Let anything which is disturbing you, which makes you feel less than perfectly fine, come into your thoughts. Don't go into anything. Just greet each thing that comes, and breathe deeply.

3. Feeling for the problem: Pick the problem you would most like to focus on right now. Don't go into it. Get a felt sense of it: feel ''all about the problem'' as a whole.

4. Finding the crux: Stay with that feeling. What is the main thing in it? Don't answer, let whatever comes come. LISTEN, rather than tell yourself. WAIT, let words or images come out of this feeling.

5. Labelling: Go back and forth between words or images, and the feeling. Try to get them to match – if the feeling changes, follow it, continuing to label the new feeling.

6. Checking back with the feeling: Check it. Ask your body "Is this label or description exactly right, or not quite?" When you get a perfect match, the words being just right for this feeling, let yourself feel that for a moment. Once some aspect of the problem is accurately labelled, you may experience a body shift – a sense of sudden or gradual physical relief.

7. Another round starting from 3: Often this opens up the possibility of going deeper into some other aspects of the difficulty.

See Eugene Gendlin, Focusing (US: Bantam, 1981).




Handling Difficult Emotions in Others

If we react to others defensively by attacking or withdrawing, conflict often increases. If, instead, we respond appropriately, we can help to bring the emotions to a level at which the issue can be dealt with more constructively. Try the following: Receive Listen and say nothing for the moment. Don’t try to

tone them down, defend or explain yourself yet. Give the other person room to discharge their pent-up emotions. Respect the other person's communication of feelings.

Notice Observe your own reaction. Centre Tune into yourself. Breathe deeply. Listen again Ask yourself what you are picking up from the

communication. Separate feelings from content. Strain out what is valid and if you can, let some irate remarks pass you by without reacting.

Reflect back Reflect both feelings and content.

''Let me check with you if...'' ''Is that what you are saying...?''

Clarify and Explore What are the other person's needs and concerns? Explore what is behind the words being used. Ask questions to shift the focus from anger to exploring the issues. Focus on connecting to the other person and turning this into a safe and constructive conversation. Repeat the cycle. Ensure that both feelings and facts are mutually understood.

Move Clarify and acknowledge needs and concerns. Consider the next step e.g. acknowledge your contribution to their problem, develop options, make an "I" statement, take time out.





Objectives: To explore reasons for being unwilling to resolve conflict.

Session Times: 3 hours: Sections A–E.

1 ½ hours: Sections A, B.

1 hour: Sections A and C


Managing Emotions

Sections: A. Exploring Our Unwillingness to Resolve 7.6

B. Projection 7.8

C. Resentment and Acknowledgement 7.12

D. Forgiveness 7.15

E. Managing Unwillingness to Resolve in Others 7.16


Activities: Desert Island Exercise A.7.1

Forgiveness Process A.7.4

Handouts: Section B: Desert Island Exercise H.7.1

Projection and Shadow H.7.1

Ssection E: Managing Unwillingness to Resolve in Others H.7.2




Willingness To Resolve

Unlocking Our Part of the Problem

OOO. Exploring Our Unwillingness to Resolve (30 minutes)

Faced with conflict, we are frequently successful at applying the skills we've acquired to deal with it effectively. And yet, at times, our skills seem almost irrelevant because we don't even want to attempt to deal with the conflict. We may not even want to communicate with the other person. We are just not willing to resolve the problem.

Try to recall a time when you felt so hurt, so angry, or so resentful that you didn't want to resolve the conflict. Think if there is anyone currently in your life who really angers you, but you haven't sorted out. Why? Or think if there is a situation about which you feel unhappy or resentful, but you haven't taken steps to remedy it.

Question: What stops us from wanting to resolve the conflict?


• fear of further hurt

• need to be right (the other person is wrong)

• identification of the other person as the enemy

• belief that it won't be any use

• enjoyment of conflict as an ongoing pastime or focus of attention

• desire for revenge

• need for apology

• anger

• resentment

• pride

• principle

• unfairness.

Question: What are the pay-offs from not fixing the problem? What do we get by not resolving the conflict?





• we don't have to reconsider our interpretation of the problem

• we don't have to admit error or take responsibility

• we can continue blaming the other person

• we can maintain self-righteousness

• we don't need to take risks – by staying with the problem at least we know where we stand

• we don't have to look at ourselves to see the part that we've contributed to the conflict.

We may find ourselves stuck saying ''As long as they do... (or don't do...) nothing can change for me”.

We cannot often directly influence others, so a starting point is to look at ourselves.

Write on the board:

FOR THINGS TO

CHANGE

FIRST I MUST

CHANGE

While we blame the other person we:

• keep distant

• are unable to resolve

• gather allies

• inflate conflict.

Question: Why might we be unwilling to look at ourselves?


• it may cause discomfort

• we may feel guilty as a result

• we may not want to acknowledge something about ourselves

• we may not be able to see how we contribute to the conflict.

It is this last point about not acknowledging ourselves and our part in the conflict that we will look at now. We'll be trying to understand what ''hooks'' us into conflict.




PPP. Projection (1 ¼ hours)

Question: Have you ever been so irritated by someone else's b ehaviour that your reaction has increased the conflict?

You may have noticed how a particular person or behaviour really irritates you but that same person or behaviour doesn't really irritate others. Or you've watched someone else get very upset by something that doesn't bother you very much, and you wonder what all the fuss is about.

Question: What causes us to have different reactions to peopl e and their behaviours?


• our values

• our beliefs

• the partial information we have

• our upbringing

• our past experiences.

These are the filters through which we interpret experiences, so our reaction to a situation or a person or a behaviour has as much to do with who we are as it does with the external event. It’s as if we're looking through coloured glasses: all of us view the world differently. We project our interpretation and feelings onto people and events.

Question: Who has heard of projection?

The psychologist, Carl Jung, describes two parts of our personality.

Draw a circle on the board:

Those qualities and emotions that we acknowledge in ourselves are what Jung calls persona. Whether these qualities are good or bad, the significant point about the persona is that it is known to us. It is the conscious part of self. It includes things which we accept as true about ourselves. It is our self-image.




The part of ourselves which is unknown to us, Jung calls shadow . Just as few of us acknowledge all the bad things about ourselves, nor do we acknowledge all the good things about ourselves. Our shadow includes all our unconscious desires, feelings, intentions, and beliefs: all the aspects of ourselves that we are not ready to know about, and emotional responses too painful to express. Suppression of the material in our shadow can cause long term emotional tension.

Projection occurs when this unconscious part of ourselves seems to us to be the conscious motivation in the minds and behaviours of others. We see in other people and their behaviour our own unconscious thoughts and feelings. It's as if their behaviour is a mirror reflecting for us things about ourselves that we don't acknowledge.

A clue to whether or not projection is operating rests in our reaction to a person or situation. If our reaction is extreme, if we are:

Write on the board:

INFLAMED

by the situation, it’s worth looking at ourselves. Our inflammation is an indicator that we are probably caught in a projection from our own shadow.

If, instead, we are:

Write on the board:

INFORMED

by the situation, we may still express our anger or dislike but we are not so emotionally engaged or caught up as we are when we're inflamed. Understanding the projection process is about taking the focus off the other person and what that person ''should'' or "should not'' be doing; and instead exploring our part of the conflict so that we can ''choose'' a less reactive response. Once we acknowledge the part of our shadow which has us in its grip, we can do something more constructive with ourselves and with the other person.

There are three steps to projection.

Write on the board:

THE HOOK

THE SYMPTOM

THE PROJECTION




The hook is the behaviour that upsets me.

The symptom is my reaction, usually an over-reaction.

The projection is what I need to become aware of in myself (my shadow) that causes this strong reaction.

Why might I be over-reacting? What part of my shadow has me in its grip? I can look to three main areas.

Add bolded words to board:

THE HOOK

THE SYMPTOM

THE PROJECTION: Suppressed Need

Question: What might we mean by suppressed need?

Discussion: Draw out participants' responses. Include the following comments:

Sometimes we don't acknowledge a need that we have, and then we blame the other person if it's not fulfilled. Or we resent, or are annoyed by that person when we perceive that he or she is getting what we actually want. For example, if I would really like to be popular, to receive a lot of attention from others, I may be very irritated by someone who is the "life of the party''. My need for attention is unacknowledged and only shows as irritation against the other person.



Unresolved Personal History

Question: What might we mean by unresolved personal history?


When we have some unresolved stress or pain or anger from a past event, we may react strongly to people or situations who touch on those feelings.

For example:

• at work there may be a manager who tends to be very critical. No-one likes it, but I am extremely distressed by the criticism. Why is that? Is it because he reminds me of someone in my past who criticised me excessively?




• or maybe when someone breaks an appointment with me, I feel extremely angry or hurt. Perhaps, as a child, I was frequently let down. Promises were made and not followed through.

• often, as children, we don't have the internal resources to deal with distressing events, so we have unresolved pain and grief from those events.



Unresolved Personal History

Unacceptable qualities/characteristics

Question: What might we mean by unacceptable qualities/charac teristics?


There are sometimes things that we don't like about ourselves, or something which we're not yet ready to acknowledge about ourselves.

For example, I might interpret someone else's attention to detail as pedantic and unnecessary. This may be because this is a characteristic that in some settings I display and am sensitive to others' criticism of it. Alternatively, I may be conscious of my failure in many instances to attend to detail. Rather than acknowledge this failure, I discredit its importance by criticising another.

If it's a positive quality that I won't acknowledge about myself and am overly admiring of in others, it's known as shadow hugging . It will cloud my perceptions of the other person, and may make me unreasonably angry when that person is criticised. If the quality I won't acknowledge in myself I perceive as negative, it's shadow boxing . The full expression of who we are is kept in check, either by hugging, holding tight, or by boxing, holding at bay.

Encourage participants' further questions and comments.

To reclaim a part of the shadow into the persona requires a level of self-esteem and ego strength that is not based on a self-image of always being good or right, but on being whole. At times, this requires great humility.

There is no imperative to explore our shadows but it often helps to do so when we're locked into a conflict. If we've become immobilised by our anger and resentment, uncovering a fragment of our shadows can give us a new view.

If we can understand why we react to a situation with such emotional energy, and if we can identify and label the source, then the energy dissipates and we are likely to feel a sense of release and less tension.




It seems odd that we don't acknowledge positive qualities. However, if we did, then our self-image would need to change. In the wake of that, so would the dynamics of our relationships with others. For example, if I admit that I'm very competent, then I can't expect others to do things for me. So if I want to maintain a dependent relationship, with all its accompanying pay-offs, I have to continue claiming incompetence.

Or it may be that I don't want to acknowledge a strength because in doing that I might unveil a weakness. For example, if I claim my failure at school or in exams is that I'm just not very bright, then I never have to face up to the possibility that I'm disorganised and lazy. In other words, it may be better to deny a strength if, in doing so, we avoid the pain of uncovering a weakness.

Group Activity: Desert Island Exercise: participants complete a handout to explore their own projections. (See Willingness to Resolve Activities p. A.7.1.) Note: as participants may explore their feelings deeply in this exercise, allow adequate time to debrief, including the opportunity for them to raise concerns individually with the trainer. Be available to active listen, to acknowledge insights and to refer for further counselling if required. (45 minutes)

Give out the handout: "Projection and Shadow".

Concluding Comments:

Getting to know ourselves better and better means reducing the amount of unconscious material that is motivating our behaviour. This gradual reduction of the shadow can occur as a natural part of the maturing process, and is often the goal of personal development activities. It can certainly be the by-product of aware conflict resolution.

As we seek out the root causes of our over-emotional reactions, the light of consciousness is cast into the shadow. Once these motivations are known and explored they are less likely to dictate future reactions to new conflict situations. Once fully understood, they stay available to our awareness and do not tend to form the subject-matter for future projections – or at least are spotted quickly, acknowledged by us and don’t get in the way of a resolution.

QQQ. Resentment and Acknowledgement (15 minutes)

Resentment often arises from projection, or it may be linked to some unresolved previous conflict. It's sometimes identified as "frozen anger''. It, too, can lead to being stuck in a conflict – neither wanting to, nor being able to resolve it.

Question: Why do we hang onto resentment?





• initially, it may protect us from too much hurt

• it gives a sense of self-righteousness – a feeling of superiority

• it keeps the other person inferior

• it simplifies feelings, responses and situations which are, in fact, very complex.

Often, when we hang onto resentment, it means we're not forgiving the other person. And that, in turn, means we don't really have to consider all of who that person is, nor do we have to acknowledge anything good about that person.

Often when we have a high level of resentment,

Draw on the board:

we have a low level of acknowledgement.

Add bolded word plus arrow to board with a different colour:

If we can increase our level of acknowledgement,

Draw on the board:

then we can decrease our level of resentment.

resentment

acknowledgement

resentment

acknowledgement




Draw on the board:

Question: What do we understand by acknowledgement?


• thinking well of the other person

• seeing the good intention

• recognising particular skills, qualities

• knowing that the picture I have of that person is coloured by the conflict between us and the discomfort I feel around him/her.

When we're feeling resentment towards another, we can shift the resentment to some extent by thinking of a number of qualities, or skills, or behaviours, for which we can genuinely acknowledge him or her, and focus on those.

Group Activity: Acknowledgement Process: participants think of qualities that they can acknowledge in others. (See below for details.) (8 minutes)

Ask participants to think again of the three people they considered in the Desert Island Exercise. (If the Desert Island exercise hasn't been done, they should think of three people towards whom they feel resentment.)

Then, ask them, for each of those three people, to think of three things which they can acknowledge about them.


Discussion: Ask participants for any comments.

If we can't acknowledge a person for anything, then we can at least become aware of our own high level of resentment. We may then be able to focus on ourselves and on understanding our projection in relation to that person.

As well, we could try to focus on what might be that person's best intention in the situation. It’s worth remembering that mostly people are doing the best they can in the situation – given the choices and resources available to them.

acknowledgement

resentment




RRR. Forgiveness (40 minutes)

Sometimes when we feel resentment towards someone, or if we've been deeply hurt, we need to go further than acknowledgement. Sometimes what is needed is a conscious act of forgiveness.

(Some people may feel discomfort with the word ''forgiveness". By exploring what is meant, they may feel more at ease. Or for some groups it may be more appropriate to use the words "letting go'' or ''acceptance'')

Question: What is forgiveness? What are some of its dimension s?


• letting go of anger against the other person

• ceasing to feel resentment toward that person

• feeling like a barrier between us and the other person has been lifted

• being ready to start fresh with that person, to trust and be trusted

The extent to which we are able to forgive varies with the relationship, the context and how deeply or repeatedly we've been hurt. Sometimes the most we can do is to let go of our anger against the other person. To place our trust in them again requires a much deeper level of forgiveness, accompanied by a belief that the other person won't hurt us so badly again. Sometimes this would be unrealistic and would involve too great a personal risk on our part.

Question: If we're feeling resentment towards someone else, w ho benefits from our forgiveness?


• the other person, to the extent that we might have a better relationship with that person

• us ourselves. We need to feel forgiveness toward the other person to free ourself in order to move on. Very often, we need to forgive ourselves, as well, to deal with whatever guilt we feel in relation to the other person.

It takes a lot of emotional energy to maintain resentment towards another and to punish ourselves through guilt.

Forgiving ourselves and others is often a critical step in breaking the pattern in which old emotional tapes are played over and over again.

Group Activity: Forgiveness Process: participants are led through a guided meditation to help them tap into their emotions, to evaluate, and to finally forgive. (See Willingness to Resolve Activities, p. A.7.4.) (20 minutes)




SSS. Managing Unwillingness to Resolve in Others (30 minutes)

Just as we are sometimes unwilling to resolve conflict, so too are others, for all the sorts of reasons that we’ve already discussed.

Question: How do people behave that indicates that they are u nwilling to resolve a conflict?


• refuse to listen

• deny a problem exists

• shift blame to another person or circumstance

• deny any responsibility for the problem

• refuse to have any further contact

• avoid the issue

• claim that the issue is in the past and doesn’t need further attention

• pick on the other person for all manner of small issues

Question: If you were unwilling to resolve what could someone else do that might help you to become more willing?

Ask participants to write down their responses.

Allow 2 minutes.

Group activity: Managing Unwillingness to Resolve in Others: working in small groups, participants consider what they could do to relate effectively to another person who is unwilling to resolve a conflict. (See below for details.) (15 minutes)

Using our ideas on how someone else could help us to become more willing to resolve a conflict, we’re going to develop a list of appropriate ways for managing someone else’s unwillingness to resolve.

We’ll divide into small groups of three or four to do this. We’ll share our lists with the entire group at the end.

Allow 10 minutes.

Ask participants to return to large group.

Question: What are some appropriate things we could do to man age someone else’s unwillingness to resolve?




Discussion: Draw out participants’ responses. In addition, you might also consider:

• show that we are keen to get on well with the other person and we want to resolve the conflict

• try to maintain friendly contact on other issues

• consider giving a small appropriate gift or doing a special favour

• be willing to praise him/her for something he/she does well

• be prepared to help when he/ she has an obvious difficulty.

Question: How might we ensure that our attempts to manage som eone else’s unwillingness to resolve are not, and don’t appear to be, manipulative to the other person?


• Examine our own intentions. If we’re wanting the other person to resolve the conflict with us just so we don’t feel discomfort, and we don’t look at ourselves, the other person may feel manipulated.

• Let the other person know we want to resolve the conflict. In our personal life, it is likely that we want to have a relationship with the other person; at work, the most honest reason may be so that work is not disrupted and productivity is not impaired.

• Show a willingness to examine our part in the conflict, and not to blame the other person.

• Chose gestures of good intentions appropriate to the circumstances and relationship. Giving a bunch of flowers could be exactly the right thing to do, or it could be the wrong thing to do.

Give out the handout: “Managing Unwillingness to Resolve in Others”.

TTT. Concluding Comments (5 minutes)

When we’re confronted with particularly difficult conflicts, it can be extremely valuable to explore our motives, our intent, and the relationship of this particular conflict to other areas of our life, both past and present.

Focusing on our own reaction for a time does not mean condoning an injustice, or relinquishing a right, or denying our needs in the situation. On the contrary, looking inwards to uncover a quality, a need, or a hurt previously unknown to us may, in fact, help us to identify an appropriate and effective strategy to resolve the conflict rather than being immobilised by its enormity, or being locked into a continuing unsuccessful pattern for dealing with it.



Willingness to Resolve A.7.1

Willingness to Resolve Activities

Desert Island Exercise


Context: Projection occurs when our own unconscious thoughts and feelings seem to be in the minds and behaviours of others, not in ourselves. Seeing these behaviours in others may cause us to over-react, resulting in, or inflating, conflict. (See Chapter 7: Willingness to Resolve: Section B)

Time: 45 minutes

Aims: To learn a process for exploring our projections

To become aware of one or more projections currently operating in our relationships.

Handout: “Desert Island Exercise”. Prior to the session, fold this handout four times, concealing all but the first column. Start with a fold down the centre of the right hand column and then fold along the lines of the next three columns. As participants progress through the exercise, they unfold it, one column at a time.

Requirements: CD player or cassette recorder and instrumental music, suitable as background for reflection

Instructions: This is a process through which we will have the chance to explore one or more projections. It’s an introspective and personal process to be done alone. Whatever we write is for our eyes only, so try to be honest with yourself. There will be music playing quietly in the background. At the end, there'll be the chance to share something of the process with a partner, if you choose.

We're going to imagine what it would be like to be stranded on a desert Island alone, with each of three people.

We'll choose three people who are significant to us, and who we know would irritate us after a while. It is beneficial to choose people from different areas of our lives.

Why the desert island? No escape... We'd have to "put up with'' each of these people.

So now think of three people: perhaps a family member, a friend, a work colleague, a neighbour...




Give out the handout: "Desert Island Exercise" . Ask participants to keep it folded until asked to open it.

It's folded so that we can concentrate on one area at a time. We'll trace the roots of our feelings to gradually build up a picture as if creating a jigsaw.

Write down the names of the three people in the spaces in the left hand column.

There's no hurry in this process. There's plenty of time to consider and explore our responses.

Ask participants to open the first fold.

Think about each of these people. If you were isolated with them for a long time, what about them would you find irritating or upsetting? Write something down in the column for each person.

Start the music. Allow 5–10 minutes. Be guided by what you observe in the room. If participants seem to have completed the section, move on. If not, allow more time.

Ask participants to open the second fold.

Think now about your reaction. Exactly how do you feel about each of these irritations? You may want to write several words until you settle on one that seems just right.


Ask participants to open the third fold.

Try to understand why you react in the way you do. Why do you feel this way in reaction to these people? Consider reasons to do with you, not with them.

Are your reactions arising from:

• suppressed needs

• unresolved personal history

• personal qualities that are currently unacceptable to you.


Ask participants to open the final fold.

Try to summarise these three columns into one statement for each row.

The hook is what the other person does... when he/she...

The symptom is my reaction... I feel...

The projection is the part of myself which is in shadow... because I'm projecting…




For example:

When she gets all the attention at meetings

I feel insignificant and overlooked

because I'm projecting my needs to be liked and to be noticed.


Pair Share: Ask participants to share anything significant in that process, that they choose.


What did you learn?

Allow 10 minutes.

Discussion: What sorts of things did you notice?

Were your projections towards the three people the same or different?


When we learn a new process it can be tempting to over-use it.

Exposing our projections is one of a number of tools to use when trying to resolve conflict.

It is particularly appropriate when we find ourselves over-reacting and, maybe, out of control. If we feel ''inflamed'' by the situation then perhaps our feelings are a signal for us to explore our projections. It's also very valuable when there is a long running conflict, when we seem locked into permanent irritation with another person.

Looking at our part in the conflict doesn't mean always taking full responsibility for it. We may have legitimate reason to feel upset by another's behaviour and we may want to communicate this to them with an "I" Statement or to use a problem-solving tool such as mapping. It may be, also, that the other person is projecting onto us and that's adding to the conflict.

Finally, sometimes we may know projection is playing some part in the conflict. We may choose not to examine it more thoroughly, and yet just being aware that we're projecting can help us manage our over- emotional reaction and choose another appropriate conflict-resolving tool.

Follow this exercise with the acknowledgement process in Willingness to Resolve Section C: Resentment and Acknowledgement.




Willingness to Resolve Activities

Forgiveness Process


Context: Forgiving ourselves and others is often a critical step in completing conflicts, and allowing us to move on. (See Chapter 7. Willingness to Resolve: Section D)

Time: 30 minutes

Aims: To help participants tap into the emotions of a conflict situation and evaluate the experience

To lead participants through the process of forgiving themselves and others.

Requirements: A CD player or cassette recorder and instrumental music suitable as background for reflection

Instructions: This is a meditative process, to reflect on a recent conflict and tap into feelings of forgiveness. At the end, there'll be time to talk with a partner about it if we choose. During the process, we'll close our eyes. You may occasionally want to make a note of something significant, so have pen and paper ready.

With some groups it is more appropriate to use the words "let go" or "accept" than forgive. (See Chapter 7. Willingness to Resolve: Section D.) The meditation below can be easily altered to include these alternative words.

Suggest to participants that they make themselves comfortable – sitting on their chairs or sitting or lying on the floor.

Read the meditation with a quiet and gentle tone. Use a question roughly each 30–45 seconds. You may like to reduce the questions or add in some that are particularly relevant to your group.

Just close your eyes. (Pause) Think of a time, preferably not too long ago (though it is OK if it was some time ago), when there was some conflict or an argument. It may be that nothing actually was said, but for you the emotions ran high.

Think about that conflict. See if you can get a sense of that conflict – not necessarily all the little details, just remember ''the whole thing".

Ask yourself or, better still ask the place within you where you feel that conflict: ''What have I learnt from that conflict?" (Pause) ''Have I learnt something from what I didn't do?" (Pause) "Have I learnt something from what I did do?"




(Long pause)

Now ask yourself ''Have I learnt anything from this conflict about one or more things that caused me, or the other person, to react as strongly as we did"?

(Long pause)

What was the triggering event that started this fight or difficulty or this conflict? (Pause)

How well did I, or we, use our skills to resolve conflict? (Pause)

In answering the next questions for yourself you may like to write down a brief note about anything that seems important. It is not necessary to write an answer to every question.

Did we both win in this situation? Was the outcome fair to both of us? (Pause)

Did we work towards the positive? Did we get stuck in negativity at all? (Pause)

Did I feel I ended up understanding the other person better? Did that person understand me better? (Pause)

Did I get what I needed? Did I adequately defend myself or stick up for my rights? (Pause)

Did I use power inappropriately? Did the other person? Were we able to work co-operatively to solve the problem? (Pause)

How well did I manage my emotions? Did I behave appropriately? Was I able to tell the other person how I felt as well as what I wanted? Did I help handle the other person's anger? (Pause)

Am I left with any resentment? Are we totally finished with the argument? (Pause)

And today, is there anything for which I need to forgive that person? (Pause)

Is there anything else for which I need to forgive that person? (Pause)

Is there anything I need to forgive myself for in relation to this? (Pause)

Is there anything else I need to forgive myself for in relation to all of this?

(Long pause)

The most important thing is not that we forgive but that we are willing to forgive. (Pause)

(Speaking very slowly and gently) Sit quietly with your willingness to forgive. To forgive yourself for your limitations, fears, shortcomings, hurts, angers... and sit with your willingness to forgive others for their shortcomings, fears, hurts and angers.




Across the space of our limitations we reach for contact. Across the space... we reach for each other in order, ultimately, that we can love one another... and be at peace.

Take a couple of minutes to come quietly out of your reflective space. When you feel ready, open your eyes.

Allow a couple of minutes of silence in the room.

Pair Discussion: Ask participants to talk with one another.

What surfaced in your thoughts?

In what areas do you feel able to forgive yourself and the other person?

Allow 15 minutes.

Discussion: Encourage participants to make any comments to the large group about the process.

What have you learnt about forgiveness?


When we find we are not yet ready to let go and forgive, it usually indicates that we need to work on ourselves, independently of our relationship with the other person.

It's often hard to let the other person hold different values and beliefs from our own and to respect those differences without needing to make them more like us.

Acceptance of people allows them room to move. It gives space for them to be and to express themselves in just the way they do. Can you give people who have ways that irritate you, just a little more space ''to be"? Situations involving family or very close friends are often greater challenges emotionally and affect us more deeply than work situations. As well, we're more often able to walk away from work difficulties. But, as a pattern, walking away can be disruptive, draining, and ultimately unsatisfying. So, this type of process is as relevant to work as it is to home.



Willingness to Resolve H.7.1

Desert Island Exercise

Focus on their qualities or ways of behaving that you find irritating or upsetting.

Focus on your reaction. Describe how you feel about these irritations. Write several words until you find the right one.

Why do you feel this way? Give reasons to do with YOU rather than them. Focus on your own

Suppressed needs Unresolved personal history Unacceptable qualities.

Summarise the three columns by constructing for yourself a statement of self-awareness. You would not normally communicate this statement to another.

A person you work with:

…………………………..

When he/she

___________________________

I feel

___________________________

because I’m projecting

___________________________

A child or someone you know and find difficult:

…………………………..

When he/she

___________________________

I feel

___________________________


___________________________

Intimate relationship e.g. spouse or close friend:

………………………….

When he/she

___________________________

I feel

___________________________


___________________________



Mapping the Conflict 8.1

Projection and Shadow

Does the situation inform or inflame? The Opportunity The more someone inflames me, angers or upsets me, the more I know I have something to learn about myself from that person. In particular, I need to see where projection from my shadow side has interfered with my willingness to resolve.

Projection Projection is when we see our own thoughts and feelings in the minds and behaviour of others and not in ourselves. We push something about ourselves out of our awareness and instead see it coming towards us from others. We see that X is angry with us and we feel hurt. We don't recognise that we are angry with X and would like to hurt X. It's very similar to film projection. The movie going on in our heads is projected out onto the people around us. Each of us builds, in this way, a highly personalised world. Greater self-awareness is necessary if we are to see reality.

Persona and Shadow Psychologist, Carl Jung, used the word ''Persona'' to describe the conscious aspects of personality – good and bad aspects which are known to the person. Jung called the unknown side of who we are ''shadow''.

Persona : My self-image. Things I accept are true about myself. My conscious desires, wants, feelings, intentions and beliefs.

Shadow: Potential I have not unfolded. Aspects of myself I'm not ready to know about. My unconscious wants and dislikes. Emotional responses that are too painful to fully experience. Abilities/talents I'm not ready to accept or express.

Shadow Hugging and Boxing Extreme attachment or rejection are both signs that our shadow has us in its hold. If we are overly attached to someone because of desirable qualities that we see in him/her and deny in ourselves we are SHADOW HUGGING. If we are overly rejecting of undesirable qualities in someone or something that we deny in ourselves we are SHADOW BOXING.

The hook the behaviour in the other person that inflames me, in itself a neutral event. My projection gets caught on this hook.

The symptom my emotional reaction (usually variations on anger or hurt).

The projection the part of my shadow that is causing my strong reaction.

Acknowledgement To be willing to resolve, we need to acknowledge our projection. Consider:

Suppressed needs e.g. Failing to recognise my need for companionship, I am deeply hurt when a friend postpones time we'd planned to be together.

Unresolved personal history e.g. If I was seriously let down as a child I may become really wild when people don't do what they promised.

Unacceptable qualities e.g. Because I don't accept my own anger, I don't accept it in others.




Managing Unwillingness to Resolve in Others

Discuss the benefits of resolving the situation. Consider e.g. increased harmony, decreased stress, greater productivity and effectiveness,

lower costs.

Explore the "cost" of not resolving the conflict. Explore blockers to further discussion.

Consider whether he/she is backed into a corner. Is there something that can be done to

help him/her save face?

Identify areas of misinterpretation (e.g. objectives, motives, points of view, values, feelings,

requirements, outcomes, needs, concerns). How can these be clarified?

Consider the relationship with the other person. Could a relationship of greater trust be

developed, independent of solving the problem?

Divide the conflict-resolving process into smaller steps. Define the Issue clearly.

Explore both the other person's needs and yours.

Explore both the other person's concerns and yours.

Identify areas of common ground.

Clarify the outcome(s) towards which you're both aiming.

Evaluate your part in the conflict Am I using my power appropriately?

Have I tried to build empathy with this person?

Have I communicated my perspective, my needs and my concerns clearly and cleanly?

Consider your own resolution to the problem, if the other person remains unwilling to resolve. Remember the other person may be getting more out of having the problem than solving it

(e.g. having a high investment in being right, having the final say, taking the credit, some

financial gain).

Consider ''stepping back'' emotionally, or even physically distancing yourself to recognise

the part of the problem that belongs to the other person.

Work towards your own resolution, knowing that you have done all that you can. (This may

involve practical steps such as looking for a new job, moving house etc. and also

emotionally focused steps such as grieving, meditating, letting go, seeking counselling,

finding new directions and relationships. It is sometimes a long process.)





Objectives: To learn the technique of mapping.

To understand how mapping can be applied in a range of settings and for many purposes.

Session Times: 2 hours: Sections A–E

1 hour: Sections A–E Abbreviated

Essential Background: The Win/Win Approach.

Before teaching this section for the first time trainers would be helped by reading the chapter on Mapping in Everyone Can Win , 2nd edition (Australia: Simon & Schuster (Australia) P/L, 2006) and doing some sample maps on issues relevant to their own lives.

Sections: A. Introduction to Mapping 8.4

B. The Steps of Mapping 8.5

C. Reading a Map 8.9

D. When to Use Mapping 8.10

E. When it is Difficult to Identify the Issue 8.11

F. From Mapping to Generating Solutions 8.14

Activities: Cluster Diagram A.8.1

Source Areas of Conflict A.8.4

Handouts: Section B: Mapping H.8.6

How to Uncover Needs H.8.7

Section C: Reading Your Map H.8.8

Section E: Source Areas of Conflict H.8.9





What are the Needs? What are the Concerns?

UUU. Introduction to Mapping (20 minutes)

Question: Why do we use a map in everyday life?


• to find our way

• to work out where we are

• to find the shortest route

• to get an overall picture.

We can use a map for similar purposes in conflict: to help us see the complete picture and to find our way towards solutions that will meet many of the needs of all participants.

Imagine hovering above the terrain in a helicopter, being able to see across the landscape. From this perspective we can see equally well, our own backyard and those of others.

Mapping a conflict gives us this same bird's eye view. It is a way of graphically representing a problem, showing everyone's perspectives on it, and getting sufficient distance to see issues and ideas which may otherwise go unnoticed.

We can map a conflict by ourselves, with another, or with a group, on any occasion when we want greater clarity. Usually, we do a map on paper. Writing down all the aspects can help us to see a situation more clearly. We can also do a mental map. Whenever conflict occurs, this skill is invaluable in helping us to focus on everyone's needs and can guide our response to the situation.

Question: Think of a recent or current conflict to which it i s difficult to find any solution. What's making it difficult?

Discussion: Ask participants to jot down and share their responses. In addition, you might consider:

• hard to know exactly what the problem is

• very complex

• lots of people involved

• lack of resources to solve it.




Mapping, and the accompanying skill of Designing Options, can help us to deal with these difficulties.

To show how a map works we need a conflict to use as an example:

• use a hypothetical example, such as the one mapped in this chapter; on workload division in a busy office that closely supports the company’s sales team or

• ask the group for examples. Try to select one that seems fairly straightforward, current and as yet unsolved.

Therefore select one of the following two approaches:

Approach 1

Use the hypothetical or group example to show the steps for doing a map. Do this briefly, not completing each step, but showing instead how it is done. Then, have the group form into small groups of five or six, each group doing a map on an issue the group selects. Move between the groups, offering assistance where needed. (Ensure that you have sufficient butcher's paper and pens for each small group.)

Approach 2

If time is limited, or the group is small, do one map only with the entire group. Use an example to show the steps in their entirety.

VVV. The Steps of Mapping (30–60 minutes)

STEP 1. DEFINING THE ISSUE

Using a large piece of paper, draw a circle in the middle of the page in which to write the issue.

In defining the issue, take care not to identify a person as the problem.

Rather label the issue in broad, objective terms, in a way that all parties to the conflict would agree.

For example:

• not "employee's laziness'' but ''workload division''

• not ''teenagers leaving their rooms in a mess'' but ''household chores".

Aim for a clear idea of the issue to be mapped, but don't worry if it's not exactly right. Sometimes the process of mapping itself clarifies the issue. Keep it open-ended and objective to provide a good starting point.




Question: Using our example, what could we identify as the is sue?

Discussion: Explore with participants what would be an appropriate definition of the issue. Then draw on the board:

e.g.

STEP 2. IDENTIFY WHO IS INVOLVED

Decide who are the major parties in the conflict. Include individuals (e.g. each member of a family or a team) or whole groups (e.g. sales team, clients, students). Include people who may affect or be involved in the conflict both directly and indirectly. As long as the people involved share needs and concerns on the issue, they can be grouped together. It's possible to include both individuals and groups on the same map.

Write a list of all these people. Then decide who to focus on in the map.

Draw segments out from the circle in which to identify each of these people or groups.

Question: In our example, who would be the parties involved i n the conflict?

Discussion: Draw out participants' responses, prompting them to think of all the relevant parties as necessary. Then write on the board:

OFFICE WORKLOAD DIVISION

SECRETARIAL STAFF

OFFICE MANAGER

SALES PERSONNEL

RECEPTIONIST





STEP 3. LIST THE MAJOR NEEDS AND CONCERNS OF EACH PARTY

Needs

Going back to needs is the basis of the win/win approach. (Remind participants of the Orange Story in Chapter 1. The Win/Win Approach: Section D.) Really appropriate solutions can be generated once everyone's needs have been identified and understood.

The word ''needs'' does not have to be used too precisely. It may include wants, interests or the things you care about. Needs are those things which we are motivated to move towards.

We can elicit these by asking: "Relating to this issue, what are your major needs?"

Look for both tangible needs (such as more space, a tidy place to work) and intangible needs (such as a feeling of security, acknowledgement).

Be on the lookout for solutions masquerading as needs. These solutions can be called ''satisfiers'', and can direct us to the underlying needs. ''I need a new filing cabinet'' may actually be the satisfier to "I need space to store my files'' or "I need a tidy desk''. Some satisfiers may be hiding a need which is difficult for people to acknowledge. A satisfier such as "I need my name on the report'' could be explored with a question such as ''What is it about having your name on the report that is important?'' This may uncover an underlying need for acknowledgement. However, if exposing this need would cause too much discomfort, it may be appropriate to leave the satisfier on the map, and explore alternatives in the designing options stage.

Sometimes the same need applies to several or all people. Listing it for each person shows that there are common needs – a great empathy builder!

Concerns

Concerns include fears, anxieties, worries – those things from which we are motivated to move away. Again, they may be both tangible (such as not having enough money, not getting the work done) or intangible (such as lack of respect, being rejected).

There are some concerns that are the reciprocal of some needs. Concerns that correspond in this way do not have to be listed if they already appear in the needs column. (e.g. having listed ''clear guidelines'' as a need, it is not necessary to list ''not having clear guidelines'' as a concern).

Sometimes under the heading of concerns, it's easier to draw out motivations that don't surface so well when considering needs. For example it's more palatable to say "I fear being out of control and powerless'' than "I need to have power and control". And it is also true that some concerns are more comfortably articulated as needs.




Question: Let's consider each party in turn. What would be th e main needs of...? Now what would be the main concerns of...?

Discussion: Explore with participants the needs and concerns of each party. Questions which you might use to check on these include:

• Would e.g. the receptionist agree that .......... is a need of hers?

• Would e.g. the receptionist agree that .......... is a concern of hers?

• Is that the real need/real concern?

• Is that actually a solution? What's the need/concern that underlies it?

• Are there any more tangible needs or concerns e.g. need for more space, concern about not completing the report?

• Are there any more intangible needs or concerns e.g. need for security, concern about failure?

Complete the map, as follows, on the board:

If you are using Approach 1, allow small groups about 30 minutes to work on their individual maps. Remind them to use their active listening skills in eliciting needs and concerns: reflecting back, paraphrasing and asking clarifying questions.

Give out the handouts: ''Mapping'' and "How to Uncover Needs''.

Needs

Efficiency Harmony Work done on time Reasonable workload Concerns

Low productivity Absenteeism Sloppy work

SECRETARIAL STAFF

OFFICE MANAGER

SALES PERSONNEL

RECEPTIONIST


Needs

Flexibility To reach sales targets Streamlined office workload Concerns

Too much administration Sloppy work

Needs

Realistic workload Information Timetables of other staff

Concerns

Ignorance Abuse by callers Being overloaded

Needs

Clear guidelines Priorities Harmony Realistic workload

Concerns

Dissatisfaction from other staff Ignorance of current projects




WWW. Reading a Map (15 minutes)

The process of reading a map is one of drawing together common threads and highlighting points of special concern or importance.

It's an essential step for organising the information that has emerged in the map, in preparation for designing options.

Question: What common threads or points do you notice on our sample map?

Discussion: Draw out participants' responses and write them on the board. Then give out the handout: "Reading Your Map'' and expand on the points that are listed.

Common Ground:

• look for needs and concerns held by all or several parties.

• identify common threads that may be described in different ways.

• explore similarities that may not already be identified on the map, but can be agreed upon in principle.

• build a sense of partnership from which to consider areas of difference.

New Perspectives and Insights:

• consider the way in which the mapping process has changed the perspective on the issue and the people involved. Sometimes there are very significant insights and other times there are small shifts in perspectives.

Hidden Needs, Concerns and Pay-offs:

• look for unexpressed needs and concerns, as appropriate and with sensitivity. Ask gentle, probing questions to explore the needs and concerns hidden under satisfiers. (See Section B, p8.5.)

• be aware that frequently needs, concerns and pay-offs are not intentionally being hidden. They just may have not been considered.

• be aware also that, on some occasions, people may not want to state their needs, concerns or pay-offs because of embarrassment or fear; or because they have intentions they don't want known by others (e.g. an intention to sack an employee; an intention to find somewhere else to live.)

Special Concerns:

• note any areas that need priority consideration (e.g. access by a physically disabled person; secure fencing for young children; close proximity to photocopier by secretary etc.)




Leads:

• identify and explore areas for which you need more information that may be helpful in designing options.

Question: Are there other significant points to be drawn out of our sample map? What are they?

Draw out participants' responses and add them to the board.

Then, if you are using Approach 1, ask small groups to read their maps to identify features listed on the handout: ''Reading Your Map''.

Allow 5 minutes.

XXX. When to Use Mapping (10 minutes)

Question: When would mapping be useful?

Discussion: Explore the responses from the group and elaborate on them using the points listed below:

• mapping can be used on any occasion when we need greater clarity about a problem.

• it can be used for a simple situation or for a very complex one.

• it can be used individually, with a partner, or with a small or large group. Be careful in representing the needs and fears of parties not present. What would they consider to be their needs? How would they represent them? Be sure that we're not assigning our needs to them. For example, ''they need to be on time'' would be more accurately listed as our need not to be kept waiting.

• use mapping to help in planning. Consider needs and concerns before new plans or changes are implemented to avoid many tensions and conflicts. It builds better relationships when people know they are being considered.

• mapping an issue provides a structured process for dealing with an issue co-operatively. This can be particularly valuable if the issue is contentious and one about which people feel strongly. The mapping process often assists people to manage their feelings appropriately and prevents tempers flaring.

• when an issue seems very complex, or when those involved feel impotent to resolve it, mapping can be an excellent starting point. Seeing the overall picture and organising everyone's viewpoints often enables people to identify the part they can work on now.




YYY. When it is Difficult to Identify the Issue

If participants are having difficulty in identifying the issue about which to do a map, or if participants are particularly interested in exploring the mapping process further, then introduce the following material.

Question: Why is it sometimes difficult to identify the issue from which the conflict arises?


• the real issue is masked by peripheral problems

• the issue seems so complex and involves so many people

• different people have different perceptions of the problem

• some or all people in the conflict are reluctant to deal with the issue and resolve the conflict

• when it's difficult to identify the issue, a lateral thinking approach can be particularly useful.

Group Activity: Cluster Diagram: working individually on a current conflict, participants learn to use a lateral thinking approach to identifying issues. (See mapping Activities, p A.8.1.)

As well as thinking laterally about an issue, a more systematic approach often helps to identify the issue and uncover important areas that would not otherwise occur to us.

The five words: who, what, how, when, where are very helpful.

(These are suggested in the "Cluster Diagram'' activity).

Other approaches can also help systematise our thinking. Andrew Floyer Acland in A Sudden Outbreak of Common Sense (London: Hutchinson Business Books, 1990) identifies four source areas of conflict.

“All conflict stems from one or a combination of the following sources:

• The commodities at stake

• The principles at stake

• The territory at stake

• The relationships involved.

These frequently overlap.” (p 51)




Write on the board:

Commodities

Principles

Territory

Relationships

Question: What might be included under commodities?


• money

• land or objects

• franchises.

Sometimes the commodity is a symbol of something else e.g. if I get this antique vase, it will be proof that I am the favourite child.

If there is conflict about a commodity, it is because "possession of this commodity represents to those who want it a material gain.'' (ibid. p 52).

Draw on the board a symbol to represent commodities:

Commodity $

Question: What might be included under "principles''?


• moral values

• political ideologies

• religious beliefs

• personal reputation.

Generally, it is unwise to challenge people's principles. These are often more precious to the holder than material gain, and often defended more vigorously. However, the cost of defending a principle needs to be weighed in the balance.

Draw on the board a symbol to represent principles:

Principles




Question: Can you think of a time when you or someone else ba cked down on a principle because the cost of upholding it was too high?

Prompt with the following example, if none are easily forthcoming from the group:

A family may stoutly disapprove of homosexual relationships, but re-think this if a son or daughter becomes involved in one. Defending the principle would prevent a fulfilling relationship with that child.

Sometimes there may be some other issue at stake, and a principle is used as a smokescreen. (e.g. A supervisor may start insisting on punctuality of staff arriving at work. Previously there may have been more flexibility in commencement and finishing times. Now the supervisor says that it's a matter of principle “that employees should be at work on time". The other issue might be that the supervisor is concerned about management complaints of lack of staff discipline in his/her department.)

Question: What might be included under territory?


Physical territory: home

office

armchair

car.

Psychological territory: area of responsibility or ''patch''

personal privacy

areas important for self-esteem (e.g. the work we do, the place we live, the skills we have)

status

identity.

Draw on the board a symbol to represent Territory:

Territory

MINE




Question: What conflicts might stem from the relationships in volved?


• threats to relationship

• threats to potential relationship

• power juggling

• personality clashes

• prejudice

• violations of explicit and implicit expectations of the other e.g. trust, violence, abuse, reciprocal support.

Considering all four areas and their interconnections can be useful in systematically examining all of the issues involved. It may not be appropriate to deal with every issue but clarity about them will help us avoid pitfalls. It may stimulate us to produce more than one map for a conflict area, and identify where the needs and concerns differ around the various issues.

Draw on the board a symbol to represent relationships:

Relationships

Group Activity: Source Areas of Conflict: working individually on a current conflict, participants learn to use an organised checklist and to identify these four key areas. (See Mapping Activities, p 8.4.)

ZZZ. From Mapping to Generating Solutions (5 minutes)

Sometimes an appropriate solution or set of solutions will be obvious on completing a map. At other times, particularly when the issue is complex and/or involves many people, a formal process of generating, analysing and evaluating solutions will be required. Without this final phase, participants can lose faith in the process of mapping. Mapping is the bridge between being stuck and taking action. Developing options for action is the next skill described in the manual.



Mapping the Conflict A.8.1

Mapping the Conflict Activities

Cluster Diagram


Context: It is often difficult to identify the issues about which people are in conflict. Becoming clear on these issues is a necessary first step in resolving them (See Chapter 8: Mapping the Conflict, Section E.)

Time: 15 minutes

Aim: To learn and practice a lateral thinking approach for identifying the issues at stake in conflict.

Instructions: We're going to learn an approach to assist in identifying the issues at stake in a conflict. It's known as a cluster diagram. You may have come across this method before as a lateral thinking tool.

Ensure each participant has a pen and a clean sheet of paper on which to work.

Step 1

Think of a current or recent conflict.

In the middle of the page write a word or phrase which comes to mind with regard to this conflict.

It may be the phrase someone has used that has upset or irritated us such as "No, I don't want you to come with us", "That's not your job'' or ''Why are you always late?” It may be an emotion such as being afraid, apathetic or not respected.

Or, it may be a brief summary of the area of difficulty such as "Lisa and John's relationship", "division of duties", ''the disputed contract".

Write this down and draw a circle around it.

Demonstrate an example on the board e.g.

hurt




Step 2

Now write down any connections that immediately occur to you. Put a circle around each one, linking with lines those that are connected. These radiate, like a string, from the first circle in any direction.

Demonstrate on the board:

When a new or unconnected thought springs to mind, start a new string, radiating in a different direction.

Demonstrate on board.

Don't be pedantic about it. Randomness is helpful for stimulating a broad range of possibilities while your thoughts spill onto the page.

Step 3

When you come to pause, allow yourself then to look at new interconnections between the circles. Tie them together with lines, arrows, or darken previously drawn interconnections that seem important. Doodle and decorate until the thoughts start flowing again.

Create lots of questions for yourself to help stimulate your thinking when stuck.

Ask: Who? e.g. Who is involved?

What? e.g. What started it?

How? e.g. How did the problem arise?

When? e.g. When does it manifest?

Where? e.g. Where is this happening?

Allow 5 minutes for participants to complete their own cluster diagram.

hurt wouldn’t help me no suggestions

hurt wouldn’t help me no suggestions

I helped him last week

didn’t handle that correspondence last

month either




Pair Discussion: Now form pairs, and take several minutes each to discuss any new issues or interconnections you have identified.

Allow 5 minutes.

Discussion: Encourage participants to ask questions or make comments.

Did the exercise broaden the areas at which you were looking? In what ways? Did the exercise help you to become clearer about the issue?


A cluster diagram is a tool for broadening the range of issues at which we might look more closely. Often we find in it the starting place for a number of detailed maps of needs and concerns.

It can also be a starting place for envisaging the possibilities in a situation and developing a picture of the outcomes we want.

(Optional) Invite participants working in pairs, to consider how they might address some of the new issues they had not previously thought about. This would be valuable, by way of completing this exercise, if you do not plan to follow it with the mapping activity Source Areas of Conflict or Chapter 9. Development of Options in this session.




Mapping the Conflict Activities

Source Areas of Conflict


Context: Sometimes it is difficult to identify all motives that are operating in a conflict. Then, important issues may be neglected and cause complications later because they have not been addressed. (See Chapter 8. Mapping the Conflict, Section B.)

Time: 25 minutes

Aim: To learn and practice a systematic approach to considering key source areas of conflict.

Handout: “Source Areas of Conflict”

Instructions: The free-wheeling lateral thinking approach of a cluster diagram is valuable in helping us to identify what the real issues are. An organised checklist can serve the same purpose. We will learn how to construct one now and practise filling it in.

Think of a current or recent conflict.

Let's now look at the four source areas where issues are likely to arise. Commodities, Principles, Territory and Relationship. (Refer to Mapping the Conflict. Section E, and Andrew Floyer Acland, A Sudden Outbreak of Common Sense (London: Hutchinson Business Books, 1990).

Give out handout: "Source Areas of Conflict''.

Work alone with the handout on a current issue that you will be prepared to discuss with a partner in the next section.

Allow 10 minutes.

Pair Discussion : Now form pairs, and take several minutes each to discuss any new issues you have identified.

Allow 10 minutes.




Discussion: Does anyone have any queries about the process itself?

Who found the exercise broadened the areas at which they were looking?

Did anyone have difficulty deciding where a particular issue fitted i.e. commodity, principle, territory or relationship?

Developing a picture or vision of possibilities can be a useful next step.

Lead yourself in with the question: ''What if...''

e.g. ''What if we were to hold a meeting to negotiate a fairer arrangement?"

''What if I point up an overriding principle we both can agree on that could outweigh the one presently causing difficulty?"

''What if we were to separate areas of responsibility more clearly?''

''What if I delivered an ‘I’ Statement about my needs in this relationship?"

Possibly invite the pairs to develop some "what ifs" after this exercise. This would be valuable, by way of completion if you do not plan to teach the Development of Options in this session.



Designing Options 9.6

Mapping

In the centre circle, define briefly the issue, the problem area, or conflict in neutral terms that all would agree on and that doesn't invite a ''yes/no'' answer e.g. ''Filing'' not ''Should Sal do filing?"

In the sectors of the large circle, write the name of each important person or group.

Write down each person's or group's needs. What motivates him/her?

Write down each person's or group's concerns, fears or anxieties.

Be prepared to change the statement of the issue, as your understanding of it evolves through discussion or to draw up other maps of related issues that arise.

Who:

Needs: Concerns: . .

. .

. .

Needs : Concerns: . .

. .

. .

Who:

Needs : .

.

.

Who:

Concerns: .

.

.

Needs : .

.

.

Who:

Concerns: .

.

.

The Issue:




How to Uncover Needs

''Needs'' include interests, values, hopes, desires, wants.

Encourage people to shift from their solutions to exploring

their needs.

Introduce Needs Approach

Explain that we're looking for a solution that allows everyone to have as many of their needs met as possible.

Shift from Solutions to Needs

When asked what they need, many people reply with solutions that they think are needs, such as "I need him to ring me when he's going to be late”. The need is to know he is safe. There are a variety of solutions which meet that need. Ringing when late is only one of these.

Ask "Why?''

As people explain why their solutions are important to them, they usually express their underlying needs.

Testing

Use active listening skills to check what you have heard or surmised about their needs.

Look for Indicators

If a need is intangible (e.g. respect) it may be helpful to ask what would indicate or point to the need being met. Ask what sorts of things the people concerned would want to have happen. These may be then built into the solutions.

Break into Component Parts

An abstract or complex need (e.g. lifestyle) may be divided into simpler parts by asking what is involved, and what it means to the person.

Identify Concerns and Fears

Enquire specifically what would happen or what would go wrong if the need wasn't met.

Move Fixed Positions

If people are stuck with their own positions, help them to shift. Ask if there are any circumstances in which their solutions would not satisfy them or why other solutions don't work for them. Paint a "what if...'' scenario which could uncover their unrecognised needs to move from the current situation.

Brainstorm the Needs

What are the elements that would be part of a successful agreement? Explore what needs would have to be met to produce an agreement that works for everyone (including influential people who are not immediately obvious e.g. spouse, boss.)




Reading Your Map

Look for: Consider:

Common Ground Which needs and concerns are held by everyone?

New Perspectives and Insights What hadn't been seen before?

What now seems clearer?

Hidden Needs, Concerns and Pay-offs

What stated needs might be masking

• deeper needs and concerns; or

• unstated intentions or pay-offs.

Special Concerns What are particularly difficult areas that need attention?

Leads What have you noticed that is worth following through or finding more information?

Highlight the major needs of each participant. Now develop options which incorporate as many of these needs as possible.




Source Areas of Conflict

Commodities What does each person stand to gain or lose that has or represents material value e.g. money, property, land? Who What

Principles Does someone's position come from defending a value or ideology? Is there a cost in defending it? What is it? Who What Cost

Territory Is someone feeling that their psychological ''patch'' or physical place is in question? This could range from threatened job responsibilities to an invaded bedroom. Who The “patch” or place

Relationships What existing or potential relationships are under threat? Are expectations or social contracts being infringed or violated? Who �� Who Infringement of social expectations




Designing Options

Objectives: To identify and understand the steps involved in designing options.

To learn how ''developing options'' is separate from ''selecting options".

Session Times: 1 ½ hours: Sections A–E

¾ hours: Sections B–E



B. Creating Options 9.11

C. A Practice Session on Designing Options 9.12

D. Steps in Selecting Options 9.14

E. Acting on the Chosen Option 9.15


Activities: Unleashing Creativity A.9.1

Handouts: Section B: Designing Options H.9.1




Designing Options

New Choices for Better Solutions

AAAA. Stimulus Activity (40 minutes)

Unleashing Creativity: participants are led through a visualisation process to encourage creative thinking for generating solutions. (See Designing Options Activities, pA.9.1.) If time is limited, move directly to Section B.

BBBB. Creating Options (15 minutes)

Question: How do we create options?


• brainstorm

• divide the problem into smaller pieces

• identify the outcomes we want

• use a trial and error approach

• maintain current arrangements and generate greater commitment

• go with the obvious solution.

Question: Are these different methods appropriate for differe nt circumstances? Such as?


• going with the obvious solution, or trial and error approach, may be most appropriate for a less complex issue, or one involving few people, or limited resources risks or consequences

• dividing up the problem (chunking), brainstorming, or identifying the outcome may be better suited to a more complex issue, or one involving many people, resources, risks and consequences.

Obviously these two areas overlap. A key to how successful the option will be, in the long run, is how committed people feel to it. This, in turn, pivots on how well it meets their needs, and how much they have been included in designing that option.




Give out the handout: "Designing Options'' and explain the variety of tools that can be used to design options. Highlight that designing options:

• is not a linear process (e.g. we may try a variety of tools, in any order)

• is not necessarily complex (e.g. sometimes people easily agree to an obvious solution)

• is a process for which different tools are appropriate at different times (e.g. perhaps halfway through brainstorming it becomes evident that the problem needs further dividing into pieces).

CCCC. A Practice Session on Designing Options (25 minutes)

Using our previous example/s (generated in the mapping exercise), we're going to practise one process for designing options.

The first step is to identify the issue, or the part of it for which we're going to design options.

Draw a circle on a large piece of paper, in which to place the issue.

Sometimes, as a result of the mapping exercise the issue may have become clearer and may be identified differently. In the example we used during mapping, the issue was ''Office workload division”. During the mapping process, numbers of participants stated a need for the workload to be divided fairly. This need for fairness could now be incorporated into the way the issue is identified in the designing options phase. It could become ''A fair division of office work''.

Draw on the board:

A very valuable tool when dealing with a complex issue, and when numbers of people are involved is brainstorming.

A fair division of office work




Question: How do we go about brainstorming?


• no censoring

• no justifying

• no debating

• all ideas, once written up, become shared property

• people can begin to hear other ideas once theirs have been acknowledged.

Ideas generated while brainstorming can be written around the circled issue.


We'll work again in the same small groups that we had during the mapping exercise to identify an issue about which each group can generate options.

As you come up with options, write them around the issue, as demonstrated on the board.

Allow about 10 minutes.

Then refer them to the handout: "Designing Options'' and highlight points in the wheel under the first heading: Development . In particular focus on the clarifying and negotiating tools to help in the brainstorming process.

Allow a further 5 minutes for small groups to develop options. If you did the Stimulus Activity in Section A, refer back to it now for discussion and to debrief the process of encouraging creative thinking.


Staff Timetables

Team development of priorities

Secretary back up for receptionist

Sales person roster

Weekly meeting

Fortnightly social time e.g. drinks after work

Staff Timetables


Secretary back up for receptionist

Sales person roster

Weekly meeting More realistic sales targets






DDDD. Steps in Selecting Options (10 minutes)

Now we need to select options. This is a different process to developing options.

Question: How is ''selecting'' different to ''developing''?


• developing involves thinking as creatively and laterally as possible and often seems random and disordered.

• selecting involves bringing order to the range of options generated, making links between similar or complementary options.

• selecting also has an evaluative component. It's about assessing the appropriateness and the feasibility of particular options.

• as well, selecting is about matching options to needs and concerns that were identified during the mapping process. What options meet most or many of the needs of the parties and takes account of many or most of their concerns?

The first step then is to link options that go together in some way.


Then refer them to the handout: "Designing Options'' and highlight points under the heading: Selection .

We'll continue to work in our small groups. Evaluate the options you've already generated. Eliminate the inappropriate ones, and put the rest into the order in which they need to be implemented. Remember, try to choose options which meet more needs than any other.


More realistic sales targets

Weekly meeting

Sales person roster

Secretary back up for receptionist Staff

Timetables






EEEE. Acting on the Chosen Option (15 minutes)

Question: Who has ever had the experience of analysing a prob lem and generating a solution which then seems to disappear down a black hole? The problem is still there, two weeks, a month later? What happened, or failed to happen?


• no action plan

• tasks not assigned to particular people

• no time frame for implementation

• resources not allocated

• no review or monitoring mechanism.

If there is no follow-through on the process of designing options, people can feel disheartened, sometimes betrayed and certainly become unwilling to participate in future problem-solving sessions. So developing an action plan and a review mechanism is vital.

Refer to the handout: "Designing Options'' and highlight points under the headings: Implementation and Agreements .

In your small groups, set an implementation plan. In real life, you would then need to check that everyone is in agreement with the chosen options and the implementation plan.

Allow small groups a further 5 minutes to complete this process, and for the person on whose problem the group has been working, to decide upon at least one option he/she might pursue after this session.

FFFF. Concluding Comments

Designing options is an essential part of solving problems and conflicts that people are experiencing. People can become disillusioned with well-meant consultation and even preparedness to listen from others if, at the end, they are still left with a problem.

So a rigorous approach to identifying the scope of the issue, and all the needs and concerns of parties to the conflict, is a first step. Follow this with a serious effort to deal with the problem, to bring about appropriate changes, and people will gain confidence in the effectiveness of the win/win approach.



Designing Options A.9.1

Designing Options Activities

Unleashing Creativity


Context: In trying to generate solutions, our thinking is often restricted and mechanical. It can be valuable, therefore, to stimulate us to think more creatively. (See Chapter 9: Designing Options: Section A.)

Time: 40 minutes

Aim: To give people experience and tools in releasing their creativity.

Requirements: Instrumental music suitable as background for reflection

Butcher’s paper and pens

Instructions: Often our thinking is very restricted and mechanical. This can hamper our attempts to generate a range of options to solve difficult situations.

We're going to do an exercise now to release our creativity.

What stimulates your creativity?

Encourage discussion by participants. In addition, you might suggest:

• relaxation

• walking on the beach

• gardening

• music

• doodling

• exercising

• conversation

• showering

• not censoring.

We are now going to work on thinking creatively about an issue.

If this exercise follows Mapping, continue with the issue/s used in the mapping process.




If Mapping has not been covered, ask individuals each to think of an unsolved problem; or if participants are a work team, ask them to identify an issue to work on together.

The right side of the brain is generally better at creativity and leaps in consciousness because it works in images, wholes and simultaneous connections. Music has the capacity to stimulate the right side of the brain. Pictures stimulate the right side of the brain. We'll do an exercise using both. I will put some music on and lead you into a visualisation. The purpose of the visualisation is to picture a successful outcome to the problem that we've just identified.

Play very quietly some gentle or reflective music.

Lead them into a guided reflection that lasts about 5 minutes. It's not necessary to use this script exactly.

Start the music and suggest participants close their eyes. Wait about 20 seconds before continuing.

Consciously begin to relax your body. Now, tense as many muscles as you can. Particularly concentrate on face, neck, buttocks and feet. Tense them as much as you can... hold it.... hold it (10 seconds)... and relax. Do that once more. Tense as many muscles as you can in your body...hold it... hold it... and relax.

Concentrate now on your face. Make sure it is relaxed. Soften your eyes behind your eyelids. Imagine your cheekbones widening and spreading away from your nose. Release any tension in your jaw. Swallow and then relax your throat. Lower your shoulders. Where are they still tense? Relax in those spots. Take a deep breath and sigh it out. Relax your diaphragm and stomach... relax your back and buttocks. Check your thighs... relax them, your calves... relax them, and your feet...

Now develop for yourself a special place where you can go to be creative. It might be a beach, a mountain top, a tree you played in as a child, a field, or the countryside. What are you doing – strolling along, sitting down? What do you see? What can you hear? Is it silent? Are there noises of birds or water? What can you smell? How do you feel?

Now bring to mind your problem, and begin to imagine that a very successful outcome to it has occurred. Build this successful outcome into a very clear picture. You don't have to know how the success occurred, just that it has occurred. What is showing you it was successful? What are the people doing? What do you see? What are they saying to each other? ... to other people? ... to you?

Now, gradually bring yourself back into your body, sitting in this room. Have a bit of a stretch, perhaps rub your face... and open your eyes.

Give participants a moment or two to become ready to focus on the next part of the exercise.




What we were doing was seeing the gap between the problem as it appears now and an envisaged successful outcome.

What we don't know yet is how to move across this gap from the problem to the outcome.

Let's start by generating options.

Refer back to Section B of Chapter 9. Designing Options for details on how to create options, in particular noting the brainstorming technique.

After completing Section B encourage discussion on the process of stimulating creative thinking.

Discussion: Ask participants about their response to the music and to the visualisation. What worked? What didn't?

What normally inhibits our creative thinking?

Are there activities/techniques we could incorporate into our life on a regular basis to stimulate our creativity?


Creativity flourishes when option development is separated from option selection.

Creative option development, the encouragement of dramatic shifts in thinking, are a key for using a win/win process to achieve a win/win outcome.

It's important to recognise when our thinking is constrained, and to seek ways of stimulating our creativity.



Mediation 11.1

Designing Options

Development What is the range of options? Use the tools below.

Selection Is it built on a win/win approach?

Does it meet many needs of all parties?

Is it feasible?

Is it fair?

Does it solve the problem?

Can we settle on one option or do we need to trial several?

Implementation Are there a number of steps involved?

What are they?

Who is responsible for each step?

Is the responsibility shared fairly?

What is the time frame?

What is the review and evaluation process?

Agreements Are there any other relevant issues that need to be addressed? Do we need agreement

displayed e.g. by handshake, show of hands or in writing?



Mediation 11.2

Introduction to Mediation

Objectives: To develop an understanding of the process of mediation.

To know when to refer conflicts to professional mediation.

To learn the key skills and principles of mediation so that we can assist others to resolve their conflicts in an informal and constructive manner.

Session Times: 4 hours: Sections A–F

3 hours: Sections A–abbreviated E

2 hours: Sections A–D

1 hour: Sections A–C


Empathy


Sections: A. Exploring the Meaning and Uses of Mediation 11.4

B. The Purposes of this Session 11.6

C. The Qualities of Mediators 11.6

D. Identifying the Stages and Skills in a Mediation 11.9

E. Applying Key Principles and Skills of Mediation to Everyday Conflicts 11.13

F. A Broader Perspective on Mediation 11.13

Activities: Mirroring A.11.1

Establishing a Mediation A.11.3

The Stages and Skills of Mediation A.11.5



Mediation 11.3

Handouts: Section E: Mirroring H.11.10

The Third Party Mediator H.11.11

Mediation Skills H.11.12

Observations During a Mediation H.11.13



Mediation 11.4

Introduction to Mediation

Providing a Safe Learning Environment

GGGG. Exploring the Meaning and Uses of Mediation (20 minutes)

Question: What do we understand by the term ''mediation''?

Discussion: Encourage a few minutes' discussion to arrive at a common understanding of the term.

Mediation comes from the Latin ''mediare'' which means to be in the middle.

''Mediation is a process in which a third party intervenes in a conflict, usually with the consent of the parties, to facilitate a mutually acceptable resolution which requires the agreement of the participants for implementation. In a sense, it is facilitated collaborative problem-solving." Dr Gregory Tillett, Resolving Conflict (Sydney: Sydney University Press, 1991) p33–34.

Question: How is ''mediation'' different to the process of '' conciliation''?

Discussion: Encourage a few moments' discussion.

Conciliation is concerned with reducing hostility and finding some kind of working accord. It may or may not include ''mediation'' as part of the process.

Question: What is ''arbitration'' about?


Arbitration involves a third party adjudicating and handing down a judgement.

Question: How are "mediation'' and ''facilitation'' different ?


''Facilitator'' is the word most often used when the role needed is a chairperson with some mediation skills, or the situation is being presented not as dispute resolution, but as future planning. Numbers participating are usually large. Facilitation may involve considerable crowd control skills.

Question: Is there anyone here who is a mediator, either full -time or as part of their work?

Acknowledge those who are. If appropriate, ask them to say briefly the types of situations in which they mediate.



Mediation 11.5

Question: In what settings would it be valuable to call in a professional mediator?

Discussion: Draw out participants' responses. In addition, you might offer the following examples:

• industrial and business disputes

• marital disputes and divorce settlements

• neighbour's disagreements

• workplace arguments

• environmental and community disputes.

Questions: What would make ''mediation'' an appropriate choice for solving the dispute? Are there any occasions when it would be less appropriate?


Appropriate when

• other collaborative problem-solving approaches have been ineffective; or when there's a perception that the parties can't solve it themselves

• there are many parties and many issues to be considered

• parties are prepared to negotiate

• there are several options available for resolving the conflict

• there is not a great imbalance of power

• poor communication has been the basis for the dispute

• relationships are important.

Less appropriate when:

• parties are not prepared to negotiate

• parties remain unwilling to be involved in the process of mediation

• there are no, or very few, choices available to resolve the conflict

• when there is a legal principle to be decided

• the primary issue is non-negotiable, such as physical abuse.



Mediation 11.6

HHHH. The Purposes of this Session (10 minutes)

This session will not train us to be ''mediators'' in any formal or professional sense.

To become a professional "mediator'' requires many hours of training and professional supervision.

(Refer participants interested in becoming mediators to appropriate training courses.)

This session has two aims:

• to help us understand the process of mediation so that we recognise when it is an appropriate option for resolving conflicts; and when we may refer some conflicts to mediation

• to learn how to apply key principles and skills of mediation so that we can assist others to resolve their conflicts.

When there is a conflict at work, in a family, or between neighbours or friends, often a third person is drawn into that conflict.

We can probably recall times when we've seen such a third person inflame the conflict further. Perhaps such a person offers irrelevant or inappropriate advice or repeats hurtful comments made by one party against the other.

Also, we can probably think of a person who has played a positive role in helping others resolve their conflicts. Such a person may frequently be turned to as a "peacemaker". In a family, friendship or work group, this person has probably taken on the role informally (and usually unlabelled) of ''mediator''.

It's also possible for a person with some power, such as a manager, a supervisor, a school principal, or a parent, to mediate in some disputes. Rather than always arbitrating, there are times when, in these positions, we're able to facilitate others to resolve their own difficulties.

Knowing about the formal process of mediation, and how to apply the key principles and skills of mediation to conflicts that are not our own, is valuable knowledge to add to our conflict resolution toolkit.

IIII. The Qualities of Mediators (30 minutes)

Question: For us to feel confident in a mediator, what qualit ies, attitudes, beliefs and skills would we want that person to hav e?

Ask participants to write down their responses.



Mediation 11.7

Group Activity: About Mediators: working in small groups of three participants, discuss the qualities, attitudes, beliefs and skills of mediators. (15 minutes)

Divide the large group into small groups of three.

Write on the board:

Mediators:

personal qualities

attitudes and beliefs

skills

Ask participants to discuss each of these. Tell them not to concern themselves too much with the distinctions between qualities, attitudes, beliefs and skills. Rather, these categories have been identified to help stimulate their thinking.


Ask them to return to the large group for discussion on these questions.

Question: What personal qualities would we consider valuable in mediators?


• warm

• caring

• non-judgemental

• accepting

• genuine

• trustworthy

• sincere

• respectful

• consistent

• objective – capable of putting own opinions on hold.

Question: What attitudes and beliefs would mediators need to hold?


• that others can solve their own problems

• that participants are in control of the issues discussed and of introducing relevant material



Mediation 11.8

• that the mediator is in charge of the process

• that neutrality is essential

• that the process of mediation does work.

Question: What do we understand by "neutrality"?

Discussion: Encourage a few minutes' discussion to arrive at a common understanding of the term.

Neutrality doesn't mean being without values or opinions. Instead, it means being aware of our values and opinions and knowing how to maintain them separate to the mediation process, so that they don't interfere with the process or the relationship with or between participants.

Question: What skills do mediators require?

Discussion: Draw out participants' responses. In addition, you might consider :

• able to show empathy

• able to communicate acceptance and respect for the parties in the conflict

• having skills in active listening

• being competent in analysing the process to help participants understand what is happening in the discussion

• able to reframe conflict-creating language into conflict-resolving questions or statements

• able to identify areas of common ground or agreement

• able to make explicit the implicit options that arise during discussion

• able to self-disclose appropriately “when it helps the participants consider options, promotes a more direct relationship with them or assists them in understanding their situation and themselves.'' (Dr Gregory Tillett. op. cit. p55)

• able to confront appropriately on issues which may be crucial to resolving the conflict: issues which the participants may otherwise avoid. “Confronting may be appropriate when it is helpful to the client, promotes the process and is not an accusation or a challenge.'' (Dr Gregory Tillett, op. cit. p55)



Mediation 11.9

JJJJ. Identifying the Stages and Skills in a Mediat ion (45 minutes)

Group Activity: Role Play: participants observe a role play between the trainer or other person, competent in mediation skills, and two disputants. (15 minutes)

Write on the board:

What stages do you observe in the mediation?

What happens in each of these stages?

What specific skills are used?

Discussion: Encourage participants to comment on the role play, and then consider each of the questions in turn.

Question: What stages did you observe in the mediation?

Discussion: Elicit and write on the board, spacing them evenly so you can include details later:

Open

Establish

Move

Close

Question: What happens in the first stage, ''open''?

Discussion: Elicit and write on the board

Open Introductions

Agreements

Setting Up

Question: What would each of these include?

Discussion: Draw out participants' responses and give additional detail as required.



Mediation 11.10

Introductions:

• Define the role of the mediator as concerned with process not content.

Agreements:

• Avoid blaming.

• Listen to each other.

• Allow each to speak without interruption.

• Tell the truth.

Setting up:

• Make sure the room is comfortable, ''neutral'' and participants are seated appropriately.

• Have board and pens available to maintain visual record.

Question: What happens in the second stage ''establish''?

Discussion: Elicit and write on the board:

Establish Overview

Details



Overview:

• Each person describes his/her view of the conflict, the issues and what's felt about it.

Details:

• Map the details.

• Identify each party's needs and concerns.

• Clarify misconceptions.

• Mirror to ensure participants are hearing each other accurately. (See p.221, Helena Cornelius and Shoshana Faire, Everyone Can Win 2nd edition. (Sydney: Simon & Schuster (Australia) P/L, 2006) and Mediation Activities, Mirroring, this chapter.



Mediation 11.11

Question: What happens in the third stage, ''move''?


Move Finding areas of agreement

Generating options

Negotiating

Caucusing



Finding areas of agreement:

• Identify these.

Generating options:

• Brainstorm possible solutions.

• Mediators might suggest options tentatively if participants are stuck or not generating equally good suggestions of their own. (Options need to be based on content shared by participants.)

Negotiating:

• Consider currencies. ''What can I give in exchange for...?''

Caucusing:

You might arrange private meetings between mediator and each participant:

• to allow each person to unwind and to prepare for negotiation

• to identify and clarify misunderstandings and misconceptions that may have been taken away from a meeting.

Question: What happens in the fourth stage, “close”?


Close Contracting

Checking

Agreeing to review

Acknowledging



Mediation 11.12


Discussion: Draw out participants’ responses and give additional detail as required.

Contracting

• Participants reach agreement on particular options.

Checking

• Are participants satisfied?

• Have major needs been met?

Agreeing to review:

• Set a time and process for review.

Acknowledging:

• Thank for participating.

• Congratulate on achieving these agreements.

Questions: We listed earlier some skills that mediators requir e (refer to Section C.) What other skills and techniques did yo u notice the mediator in the role play using?


• summarising what’s been identified

• asking open-ended questions

• emphasising “I” language

• clarifying

• directing the process

• identifying options.



Mediation 11.13

KKKK. Applying Key Principles and Skills of Mediati on to Everyday Conflicts

(30 mins–2hrs)

Question: In what situations do you find yourself mediating, or can you imagine having that role?


• disagreement between work colleagues

• disputes amongst work subordinates

• arguments between friends

• squabbles amongst children (at home or in the classroom).

Group Activity: Choose either one or both of the following activities.

Mirroring: in this role play, participants practise the skill of mirroring. (See Mediation Activities, page A.11.1.) (15 minutes)

Establishing a Mediation: working in small groups, participants practise establishing a mediation. (See Mediation Activities page A.11.3.) (20 minutes)

The Stages and Skills of Mediation: a role play in which participants practise mediating. (See Mediation Activities, page A.11.5.)

Short practice (30 minutes) Long practice (50 minutes)

LLLL. A Broader Perspective on Mediation

Throughout this session we've talked about the purpose of mediation being to resolve or manage conflict. Of course, we have other methods to deal with conflict. There is the range of informal, ad hoc, sometimes constructive, sometimes destructive methods that have become our habits throughout our lives. For many difficult disputes, we have access to the law.

Question: Why, then, choose mediation?


• cost effectiveness

• the difference between solving, managing and resolving

• the long term benefits of people feeling empowered and learning non-adversarial strategies for resolving conflict.



Mediation 11.14

Andrew Floyer Acland in A Sudden Outbreak of Common Sense (London: Hutchinson Business Books, 1990) makes some interesting comments about the ultimate purposes of mediation:

''...you must accept that the primary purpose of mediation is not to reach agreement: it is to provide a process within which the disputants can educate themselves about the conflict and explore the options open to them to resolve it." (p117)

"So the basis of mediation is negotiation – and the mediator's job is to introduce some special features to turn adversarial, win-lose negotiation into problem-solving. The mediator helps people to talk to each other in ways that prevent misunderstandings, establish at least working relationships, clarify the issues and look for mutually acceptable solutions. Ideally, people should emerge from the process feeling satisfied that all their needs and interests have been taken into account, that they have achieved the best possible outcome, and that they are ready to re-enter the process the next time a problem comes up." (p13)

''Mediation is the adjustable spanner in the dispute resolution tool-box. It can be used in a formal setting to sort out multi-million pound disputes; or in a suburban sitting-room to resolve a problem with the neighbours. It can be designed to reconcile the competing interests of businesspeople, local government and environmentalists in a complex land-use dispute; and it can help build trust and understanding between people of different racial backgrounds in an inner city community." (p2)



Mediation A.11.1

Mediation Activities

Mirroring


Context: Active listening and “I” statements combine as a particularly appropriate conflict resolution tool to use during mediation (See Chapter 11 Mediation Section E.)

Time: 15 minutes

Aim: To learn the skill of “Mirroring”

Handout: “Mirroring”

Instructions: Divide the group into pairs with Partners A and B. Distribute and explain the handout: "Mirroring".

Mirroring is a technique that involves two important skills: active listening and "I" Statements.

Partners take turns to speak and to listen.

We're going to do a role play to practise the skill of mirroring.

Partner A briefly describes a difficulty with someone else and gives to Partner B an interpretation of the other person's needs, issues and values as they relate to the difficulty. Partner B will role play that other person, working from the description given by Partner A and some guesses on the person's motivations.

Draw the shape below, on the board. As you explain the technique of mirroring, add the appropriate words and arrows. (Use one colour for words in upright typeface. Use another colour for words in italics typeface.)



Mediation A.11.2

Partner A, you make an "I" Statement expressing how you feel about the issue.

Partner B, you actively listen to Partner A. You reflect what you hear from Partner A. Use your own words, aiming to reflect back both content and feeling.

Partner A says "Yes, that's what I said'' or ''No, that's not what I said'' and tries again. Partner B reflects again until Partner A says ''Yes, that's what I said''.

Now Partner B makes an "I" Statement. You express how you feel about the issue. Partner A reflects back content and feeling until Partner B says "Yes''. Now it is Partner A's turn to make a new "I" Statement. This process repeats until some noticeable movement is made towards resolution or mutual understanding.

Discussion: Did either person become defensive? Was the re-statement free from opinions and judgements?

Did you both feel heard? Did you both feel able to reply?

How does the issue look different now?


This may be a very useful process to establish at the opening of a conflict-resolving dialogue, with or without a neutral third party.

The process may be initiated by a mediator when anger between the parties is high. It slows everything down and makes sure both sides are heard. It is not always possible to insist on a perfect "I" Statement, but it is possible to encourage both parties to indicate they speak from their own points of view ("As I see it...", ''From my point of view...''; "This is how I feel about it" etc.)

People frequently do not absorb or even hear information that requires them to change their perception of the other person or the situation.



Mediation A.11.3


Establishing a Mediation


Context: When people are in conflict, it can be helpful to have an independent and neutral third party mediate their dispute. Although there is much to learn in the area of mediation, the caring non-professional can often assist others to resolve their conflicts. Establishing guidelines for participants to discuss their conflicts is a valuable first step in the process.

Time: 20 minutes

Aim: to practise establishing a mediation

Handout: “The Third Party Mediator”

Instructions: In this role play, we will practise the first stage of a mediation.

We will work in small groups of four. In each group, there will be a mediator, two parties in the conflict and an observer.

Divide into groups of four.

Think of some situations in which you could imagine yourself mediating. In your small groups, choose one of these to role play now.

If the small group is having difficulty in finding a conflict to mediate, offer some sample situations. (As participants are practising the opening stage of a mediation, the details of a conflict are not required.)

Sample Situations

Two neighbours disputing responsibility for repairing a boundary fence.

Two colleagues disputing procedures and timeframe for processing customer orders for office supplies.

To each of the groups say:

Consider how, if you were the mediator, you would s et up your particular mediation.

What kind of language would you use?

How would you describe your role?

What ground rules would you set?



Mediation A.11.4

What agreements would you make?


Choose who will play the mediator, the two parties in the conflict, and the observer.


Instructions for the Mediator

You open the mediation by making agreements and exploring roles.

Instructions for the Parties in the Conflict

Work with the mediator to provide them an opportunity to practise the skills.

Instructions for the Observer

Note particular strengths of the mediator's approach.

Allow 5 minutes.


What was effective in establishing the mediation? What needs more emphasis?

Optional Extension: Small groups choose another situation for mediation and change roles.

Consider how you would establish the mediation in t his case.

How would it be the same as the previous one?

How would it be different?

Allow 5 minutes.

Choose a different person to practise establishing this mediation.

Allow 5 minutes.


As before.

Discussion: Ask for some of the small groups to give an overview of how they established their mediation. Draw together common threads from each group. (After participants have responded, you might need to add some of the following if they have not been mentioned: environment, confidentiality (when is it appropriate, when is it not?), timing, guidelines for discussion e.g. no yelling, name-calling, etc.)

Give out the handout: “The Third Party Mediator” , and highlight key points.



Mediation A.11.5


The Stages and Skills of Mediation


Context: When people are in conflict, it can be helpful to have an independent and neutral third party mediate their dispute. Although there is much to learn in the area of mediation, the caring non-professional can often assist others to resolve their conflicts. (See Chapter 11. Mediation: Section E.)

Time: Variation 1: 30 minutes

Variation 2: 50 minutes

Aim: To practise key skills of mediation

Handouts: “The Third Party Mediator”

“Observations During a Mediation”

“Mediation Skills”

Instructions: In this role play, we will work in small groups to practise a mediation.

Before we break into small groups, I’d like each person to choose an issue or a situation in which you could imagine yourself mediating.

It may be a work situation. Two staff members are in conflict. Perhaps you are the manager who has convened a meeting to help them sort out their difficulties. Or perhaps you’re a colleague who has offered to spend some time with them mediating their dispute.

It may be a conflict within a family or between friends. Perhaps the parties have turned to you because they think you may be able to help them resolve their difficulties.


Check that an adequate number of participants have thought of conflicts.

Divide into small groups of four (or six, if using variation 2.)

Ask the small groups to choose a conflict to mediate.

If the small group is having difficulty in finding a conflict to mediate, offer them one of the two situations below.



Mediation A.11.6

Sample Situation 1

You are the manager of a computer company. Two of your salespeople are in conflict over the system of referring new customers. There are guidelines that customers interested primarily in software are directed to Salesperson A and those primarily interested in hardware are directed to Salesperson B. These guidelines now seem to be inadequate. Salesperson B claims she/he is losing commission because Salesperson A is pirating too many customers.

Sample Situation 2

Two of your friends share a house and have repeated squabbles about household chores. Their most recent argument has resulted in them not talking to each other. Both of them want to stay in the house because of its location and its comfort. Friend A claims Friend B is untidy, disorganised and unwilling to do a fair share of the household chores. Friend B claims that Friend A is obsessive, demanding and inflexible with regard to household chores.

VARIATION 1

We will spend 10–15 minutes working through the stages of a mediation.

Ask the group to choose who will play the mediator, the two parties in the conflict, and an observer.

Give out the handout: "The Third Party Mediator". Highlight the stages of the mediation.

Instructions for the Mediator

You start the mediation in Stage 1 by making agreements and explaining roles. Then move through the other stages, as far as time allows. It's not likely that you will complete the mediation. Just work through it as far as you can.

Instructions for the Parties in the Conflict

Work with the mediator to provide an opportunity for them to practise the skills. If the mediator says something which assists you in the process, respond positively. If the mediator doesn't take charge of the process, then behave as if in a real conflict.

Instructions for the Observer

Note particular strengths of the mediator's approach by observing the effect on the participants in the conflict and by considering how much progress is made in the mediation.




Mediation A.11.7


What was effective in the mediation?

What needs more emphasis and practise?

Discussion: What conflict resolution skills did you use in the mediation?

What were the strengths of your mediator's approach?

What difficulties did you notice?

VARIATION 2

There will be four rounds. Each round will focus on a different stage of the mediation.

In each round, a different person will be the mediator.

Two people will remain as the parties in the conflict throughout the role play. The other four people will be either observing or playing the role of mediator.

Ask the groups to choose the two parties in the conflict. Ask the remaining four to choose which stage each wishes to mediate.

Give out the handout: ''The Third Party Mediator' ' and "Observations During a Mediation''

Explain to observers that they can keep notes on the handout: ''Observations During a Mediation'' as the mediation progresses.

Give instructions to the mediators, parties in the conflict, and observers, similar to those in Variation 1.

Round 1

Remind participants of what happens in Stage 1 of a mediation.

Highlight:

• setting up the room

• explaining roles

• making agreements

• establishing what, if any, comments during the mediation will remain confidential.

Ask the groups to consider: what types of agreements and what approaches wouldn't be particularly appropriate to their situations.

Ask the first mediator in each small group to establish the mediation.

Allow 5 minutes.



Mediation A.11.8


What was effective in establishing the mediation?


Round 2


Highlight:

• mirroring

• mapping.

Don't attempt a complete map in this role play as there is insufficient time. Perhaps, if appropriate, you could do a map focusing on two major needs and two major concerns of each person.

Ask the second mediator to continue the mediation in Stage 2.

Allow 7 minutes.


What was effective?


Round 3


Highlight:

• The process of developing a range of options and negotiating. What would it be easy for one to give and valuable for the other to receive?

What concessions could be traded?

Ask the third mediator to continue the mediation in Stage 3.

Allow 7 minutes.



Mediation A.11.9


What was effective?


Round 4


Highlight:

• the importance of "contracting", making an agreement which participants will uphold

• the establishment of a review date and what process or method they will use

• the acknowledgement of participation.

Ask the fourth mediator to continue the mediation in Stage 4.

Allow 7 minutes.


What was effective?


Discussion: Encourage participants to share significant observations. Ask participants to identify the particular skills which were used during the mediation, and what additional skills would be valuable.

Give out the handout: ''The Skills of Mediation''.


Although there is much to learn in the area of mediation, a caring person who has acquired the key principles and skills of mediation and conflict resolution can often assist others to resolve their own conflicts.

Mediation draws together all the skills of conflict resolution. Of particular importance is a commitment to a win/win approach and a practised ability to listen actively.

If the conflict is long-standing, involves many people, and a complex range of issues, it is valuable to call on a professional mediator.

Only professionals should mediate in situations where there is physical violence.



Broadening Perspectives 12.10

Mirroring

“Yes, that’s what I said”.




The Third Party Mediator

Attitudes for Mediators

These attitudes are relevant whenever you want to assist, or are asked to assist, in a conflict which is not your own. It may be a friend telling you about a problem on the telephone. It may be an informal chat with both people in the conflict. It may be a formally organised mediation session.

Be objective – validate both sides, even if privately you prefer one point of view, or even when only one party is present.

Be supportive – use caring language. Provide a non-threatening learning environment, where people will feel safe to open up.

Be non-judging – actively discourage judgements about who was right and who was wrong. Don't ask ''Why did you?" Ask "What happened?'' and ''How do you feel?"

Use astute questioning – encourage suggestions from participants. Resist advising. If necessary, offer options not directives.

Use a win/win approach – work towards wins for both sides. Turn opponents into problem-solving partners.

Mediation Methods

Set some simple rules: listen carefully, state own viewpoint clearly, attack the problem not the person, look for answers to meet everyone's needs.

Define your mediator role as there to support both people "winning".

Get agreement from both people about a basic willingness to fix the problem.

Let each person say what the problem is for them. Check back that the other person has actually understood them.

Guide the conversation towards a joint problem solving approach and away from personal attack.

Encourage them to look for answers where everybody gets what they need.

Redirect ''Fouls'' (Name Calling, Put Downs, Sneering, Blaming, Threats, Bringing up the Past, Making Excuses, Not Listening, Getting Even.) Where possible the mediator reframes the negative statement into a neutral description of a legitimate present time concern.

Stages in Mediation

Open

Introductions and agreements: Warm up, explanations, arrangements, discuss the win/win approach.

Establish

Overview: What is the matter? Each person expresses their view of the conflict, the issues and their feelings.

Details: What is involved? More details. Map needs and concerns. Clarify misperceptions. Identify other relevant Issues. Use Mirroring.

Move

Review: Where are they now? Identify areas of agreement. Encourage willingness to move forward. Possibly meet separately.

Negotiation: Focus on future action. How would they like it to be? What would that take? Develop options. Use ‘trading’ to build wins for everyone.

Close

Completion: Make contracts. Plan for the future, including setting a time to review agreements. Closing statements.




Mediation Skills

Open: Introductions and Agreements Take charge of the process: Set up the meeting space. Explain that each party will

have equal time to describe his/her view without interruption. Describe the win/win

approach and its emphasis on needs. Clarify roles and expectations of mediator and

participants.

Establish: Overview and Details Focus on needs: Ask each person to describe what he/she needs for the situation to

improve.

Use mirroring: if emotions are high. This controls abuse and checks that each person

has heard the other accurately. (Have each person rephrase the other’s statement and

have it confirmed before making a reply.)

Encourage “I” statements to clarify how each person sees the situation. Discourage

personal attacks. Move to specific examples of people’s needs, concerns and causes of irritation.

Acknowledge feelings and thank people for openly expressing them.

Reinforce willingness to resolve when people show it.

Move: Identify Areas of Agreement and Negotiate Ask what would it take for the situation to be better?

Acknowledge common ground and affirm this is the case.

Seek some flexibility and movement from each party.

Check out agreement even if it is only in principle, so far.

Develop many options. What can each person do to help solve the problem?

Help define measurable criteria for change. What signs will show that the problem is

being addressed?

Close: Completion Suggest meeting to evaluate how agreement is working.

Check that people have really agreed and can live with the chosen options.




Observations During a Mediation

What's been identified so far:

Needs of the participants:

Concerns of the participants:

Areas of common ground shared by the participants:

Central Issues:

Currencies – what one person could give in exchange for something she or he values:

Possible Options:

Agreements:

Observations of the Process and the Skills used by the Mediator

Strengths

Difficulties

Stage 1

Stage 2

Stage 3

Stage 4





Objectives: To gain a sense of what broadening perspectives involves.

To consider some specific steps to help broaden perspectives.

Session Times: 2½ hours: Sections A–C.

1 hour: Sections B and C


Sections: A. About Broadening Perspectives 12.15

B. Steps in Broadening Perspectives 12.18

C. Closing the Course and Acknowledgements 12.21

Activities: Case Studies in Conflict A.12.1

Handouts: Section A: The Skills of Conflict Resolution H.12.1

Case Study in Conflict H.12.1 Family Feud – Part 1 H.12.1 Family Feud – Part 2 H.12.2 The Split Up – Part 1 H.12.3 The Split Up – Part 2 H.12.4 The New Manager – Part 1 H.12.5 The New Manager – Part 2 H.12.6 The Barking Dog – Part 1 H.12.7 The Barking Dog – Part 2' H.12.8 The Oval – Part 1 H.12.9 The Oval – Part 2 H.12.10 Professionals and Volunteers – Part 1 H.12.11 Professionals and Volunteers – Part 2 H.12.12 Workplace Bargaining – Part 1 H.12.13 Workplace Bargaining – Part 2 H.12.14

Section B: Intention/Commitment Sheet H.12.15





Seeing the Bigger Picture

MMMM. About Broadening Perspectives

Imagine for a moment that you're a traveller about to climb a mountain. At the foot of the mountain, when you turn around all you can see is what's directly in front of you: a few trees, a mountain stream, a rocky track. (As you say this, draw the picture below.) As you climb, you can turn around and see that the few trees are, in fact, part of a larger forested area. A little higher you can see the farmland beyond the forest. Higher still, your view becomes more expansive – a township in the distance, a broad river…until you reach the top and you have a full 360 degree view.

Broadening Perspectives is like climbing a mountain to see more of the scene.




Question: In conflict, what do you think we mean by broadenin g our perspectives? What might we see?


• seeing the conflict from a different perspective

• understanding another person's viewpoint

• becoming aware that the whole picture is much bigger than any single person's perspective

• recognising the context in which the conflict is occurring

• understanding the connections between sets of events, actions and people, and other sets of events, actions and people; so that intervention in one conflict, or part of a conflict, will have repercussions in many other areas of our lives

• knowing that a long term perspective is sometimes needed to understand or resolve a conflict.

Question: Think of a conflict you have considered during this course. Have you found particular skills, models or processes th at have given you a broader perspective on the problem. If so, wh at?

Ask participants to write down their thoughts.

Discussion: Ask a few participants to share their thoughts. Encourage the discussion with additional questions such as:

How did that help to broaden your perspective?

In what ways, specifically?

What type of "shifts" did you notice in your thinking?

Did these "shifts" mean you approached and/or dealt with the conflict differently? How?

After you've heard some examples, draw the discussion together.

An important component of successful conflict resolution is "reframing the problem”.

The process of reframing is about changing our perspective. Using the CR approach, we reframe to redirect our thinking to the positive, to see the challenge, and to transform our thinking from "perfection" to "discovery". (See Chapter 2. Creative Response.)

The skills we've identified as helping us to broaden our perspectives are often skills in analysis. (See the handout: "The Skills of Conflict Resolution”. )




Write on the board:

ANALYSIS

SKILLS

Models that help us in this are "DISC", "Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer” "Demand Behaviour" etc.

The way we analyse or understand a conflict will affect, and be affected, by our attitudes to it. Resolving a conflict very often requires an attitude shift.

ANALYSIS

SKILLS

Add to the board:

ATTITUDES

Our attitude in turn will affect, and be affected, by the particular interaction skill we choose to use.

ANALYSIS

SKILLS

ATTITUDES

Add to the board:

INTERACTION

SKILLS




Give out the handout: "The Skills of Conflict Resolution" pages 1 and 2. Highlight that the purpose of the handout is to provide another framework for thinking about the skills. Participants should feel free to indicate on their own handouts any skill which they believe should be grouped elsewhere.

We all make different connections and this handout suggests one possible set of connections to stimulate our thinking. It also gives us an overview of the skills we have learnt during the course.

Encourage comments by participants. This handout will help them in completing the group activity below.

Group Activity: Case Studies in Conflict: working in small groups participants analyse some sample conflicts and develop appropriate strategies for dealing with them. (See Broadening Perspectives Activities, p A.12.1.) (45 minutes)

NNNN. Steps in Broadening Perspectives

Celebrate Uniqueness

Sometimes we fail to acknowledge ourselves as special and unique with a distinctive viewpoint that grows out of our past experiences, our current needs and our future hopes and plans. Without a strong and secure sense of who we are, it's often difficult to look outwards and to acknowledge others. We may be more concerned with protecting ourselves than enquiring about the world around us. So the first step in broadening perspectives seems paradoxical. Start by celebrating ourselves.

Respect and Value Differences

We need to commit ourselves to the knowledge that others are also unique and special, with distinctive viewpoints that may be different to our own, and yet equally valid. This can open our eyes to many more possibilities. It may require us to change the mindchatter that says "For me to be right, others must be wrong". Instead, we can focus our attention first on finding areas that overlap, are held in common, or are complementary. Then we can consider our differences in order to develop options that show respect for those differences. You may have heard the story of the blind men and the elephant: each man took hold of a different part of the elephant. The one holding the trunk concluded the animal was a snake; the one holding the leg thought it was a tree; the one holding the tail was convinced it was a rope; and the one touching the elephant's side claimed it was a wall. Each assumed that his experience was the true representation of this thing called "elephant", and could not understand why the other men were describing something which sounded very different.

Each person's viewpoint is a part of the whole, and if we listen to each viewpoint, we will have greater insight into that whole.




Recognise a Long Term Timeframe

Because our conflicts and difficulties confront us daily, it is sometimes difficult to recognise the long term perspective. Because of that, we may feel disheartened. But consider some major world events of recent times. Who could have foreseen the separation of the Soviet Union into independent states, or the re-unification of Germany and the disappearance of the Berlin wall? Change is the only thing we can be certain of. Deeply held desires and appropriate actions support that change.

Assume a Global Perspective

If we have a belief that the actions of one individual are interconnected with every other individual, then we can have a sense of how our actions can have meaning in conjunction with the actions of others.

The skills we've explored in this course can give us new ways of exercising our personal power, whether it be in the framework of our personal and professional lives or whether it be in the political or social arena.

Climate change and concerns about the environment are at the forefront of many people’s thoughts. A commitment to, and a belief in, a win/win approach tells us that it should be possible to have a comfortable lifestyle without impoverishing the environment.

Deal with Resistance to Taking a Broader Perspectiv e.

Often we feel resistance to broadening our perspective on conflict. A first step to dealing with this resistance is to understand why we feel it in the first place.

Question: Why do you think people resist taking a broader per spective?


• On a personal level, the change that occurs when we broaden our perspectives involves a shakeup. It may mean letting go of the security we got from our old way of making sense of the world, of understanding what was going on. When we change the perspective, we may feel very confused and uncertain of next steps.

• These same fears are often echoed in organisations, communities and even societies. To transform these requires an openness to the idea of changing and risk-taking.

• Often we're limited too by the way we put our learning and skills into separate compartments. We don't look for the ways we can transfer these skills to new settings or different problems.

• We may also feel blocked by the enormity of the difficulties, by the feeling that what we do will make little impact.




Question: What are some things that we can do to deal with th is resistance?


• Choose a particular skill and practise it in numbers of settings.

• Identify what I can do to affect a particular problem. For example, what can I do to influence the culture of my organisation to include greater consultation, co-operative decision-making and positive ways of resolving conflict? Or how can I use conflict resolution skills to analyse or participate in the environmental debate, or another social issue?

• Make a commitment to use these skills in some particular area of my life – possibly one I’ve found too difficult to tackle in the past.

Give out the handout: "Intention/Commitment Sheet".

Suggest to participants that they complete this sheet. It is for private use and doesn't need to be shown to anyone else.

To conclude, you might read out the story below: “The Old Man and the Horse":

There was a very poor old man. He had one magnificent possession – an exquisite white horse. Such a fabulous white horse you've never seen. Everyone wanted this horse. Kings constantly offered fabulous sums for it, but he always refused to sell because he said he loved this horse – it was like a person. How can you sell a person you love? Then one day he realised that the horse had gone: the stable was empty. The villagers gathered round and said "We always knew that one day such a valuable horse would be stolen. You should have sold it while you had it. You could have got a good price for it. At least you would have had money in your pocket. Now you have nothing.”

And the old man said: "Don't go too far. All we can say is that the horse is not here; anything else is a judgement." Two weeks later, the horse returned and it brought with it a dozen wild horses. Again the people gathered. "You were right old man. We were wrong. It's not a misfortune; it's proved to be a blessing.”

Again the old man said: "Don't go too far. All you can say is that the horse has returned and that a dozen other horses have come with it. Who knows whether it's a blessing or not. It's only a fragment!"

This time the people didn't say much, but they knew inside themselves that it was a blessing and that the old man was wrong. These other horses could, after all, be sold for quite a profit.

A week later, the old man's only son started to train the horses. He fell from one of them and broke both his legs. Again a crowd gathered. "You were right old man, it wasn't a blessing, it's a misfortune. Your only son is crippled – your only investment in the future, crippled, useless."




Again the old may said: "You're obsessed with judgements. Who knows whether it's a blessing or not? Only say that my son has broken both his legs. It's a fragment. Who knows the outcome?”

Shortly afterwards, the country was called to war, against a strong army. All the young men in the district were conscripted and they were going to their death because it was certain they'd all be killed. The whole town was weeping.

All the young men were conscripted except for the old man's son. He was excepted because he had broken legs.

Again the people gathered around. "You were right, old man. At least you have your son, even though he's crippled."

"It's impossible to speak to you people. You are obsessed with judgement. Who knows if it's a blessing or a curse? Only life knows."

OOOO. Closing the Course and Acknowledgements

It can be valuable to include a time near the end of the course, when participants can ask questions about or comment on any aspect of the course, and to advertise this in advance.

You may also choose to have participants fill out and return to you a course evaluation form. You might prefer to hand this out near, but not right at, the end – to give participants time to consider their feedback to you. See Running CR Courses at the beginning of this manual, p I.5 and handout: “Course Evaluation” p H. I.20.

As well, consider asking each person in turn, around the circle, to share or identify one significant thing he/she learnt during the course; or one thing he/she hadn't expected or... Then, along with thanking the group for their participation, mark the end of the course with a round of applause, or an informal "graduation".



Broadening Perspectives A.12.1

Broadening Perspectives Activities

Case Studies in Conflict


Context: At the end of the course, participants are ready to get into discussion on some substantial issues. This may be the last activity they do together in small groups. (See Chapter 12: Broadening Perspectives: Section A.)

Time: 45 minutes

Aims: To think broadly about the range of issues involved in a conflict

To review skills learnt

To discover some commonly arising problems e.g. ethnic issues, male/ female and supervisor/subordinate clashes, community activism.

Handouts: “The Skills of Conflict Resolution” pages 1 and 2, “Case Study in Conflict”. Choose from the seven below, parts 1 and 2.

Requirements: Butcher’s paper and felt-tipped pens

Instructions: At the end of a course, it's useful to look at examples of typical conflicts and consider appropriate ways of resolving them.

We're going to divide into small groups.

VARIATION 1

I will give each group a different case study. You will have about half an hour to consider them and then we'll share our approaches at the end.

VARIATION 2

(You will need an even number of groups for this variation. Its advantage is that debriefing time is decreased.)

I will give out a number of case studies. Each case study will be considered separately by two groups. You will have about half an hour to do so. Then we'll share our responses, and compare the variety of approaches available to us.




Continue with the following instructions for both Variations 1 and 2.

There will be two stages in analysing each of the conflicts.

The first stage will last about 15 minutes. During this stage, we'll analyse the conflict, identifying the main issues and the options available.

For the second stage, we'll give you information about an extra event or action, in the conflict, which may mean that different options are more suitable.

Divide participants into small groups of 4–6.

Give out the handouts: "Case Study in Conflict": Part 1. Also give out sheets of butcher's paper and a few different coloured pens to each group.

Select from the following case studies those that are most relevant to participants' interests.

Family Feud

Elderly sisters who haven’t spoken for twenty years.

The Split Up

Selling the house when a de facto relationship dissolves.

The New Manager

In the Accountancy Department of a large company, a new woman manager from outside the company is appointed over an assistant manager who's been with the company for ten years.

The Barking Dog

A Vietnamese man with little English owns a noisy dog that is disturbing a neighbour.

The Oval

A proposal to have a local oval taken over by the Soccer Association is rejected by local residents.

Professionals and the Volunteers

Fundraising organisation chaos.

Workplace Bargaining

Migrant women attempt negotiations with management.

Ask the groups to read their group’s case study and discuss the questions.




You will probably find it helpful to refer to the handout: "The Skills of Conflict Resolution" to remind yourself of the skills and attitudes we've covered in the course.

It may be helpful for one person to record your group's responses on a large piece of paper. You may want to express your answers as a list, a diagram, a flow chart, or in some other graphic way.

Allow 20 minutes.

Then, give out the handouts: "Case Study in Conflict” Part 2. It may be necessary also to give out another piece of butcher's paper.

Ask the groups to read the additional information given in Part 2 and to discuss the questions, again referring to the handout: "The Skills of Conflict Resolution" , and recording their responses on the large piece of paper.

Allow 15 minutes

Ask one person from each group to read out the case study his/her group dealt with, and summarise the small group's discussion. Have groups dealing with the same case study report one after the other. Note similarities and differences in their approaches.

Discussion: Encourage comments from participants using the following questions to stimulate their thinking.

What, if any, were the difficulties in identifying issues and appropriate skills and strategies?

What assisted you in the process of coming up with possible options?



Broadening Perspectives H.12.1

The Skills of Conflict Resolution

To resolve conflicts, it can be helpful to have: (i) skills to analyse our motivations and the confl ict itself, (ii) a set of positive attitudes and (iii) skills for interacting with others.

Grouping these skills helps us to consolidate our u nderstanding of them. In practice, of course, skills and attitudes tend t o merge; and all are useful in each of the twelve m ajor skill areas.

Twelve Skills ANALYSIS SKILLS ATTITUDES INTERACTION SKILLS

WinlWin All of the skills below Wanting what's fair for everyone All of the skills below

Creative Response Perfections vs Discovery Seeing conflict as an opportunity Responding rather than reacting

Empathy DISC Valuing individuals' differences Active listening

Asking questions

Using empathy openers

Tailoring our approach to suit others’ needs


Fight, Flight, Flow Having respect for all people's needs and rights. Wanting to meet my own needs and rights without violating those of others.

Making "I" statements

Co-operative Power Power Bases

Persecuting, Rescuing and Playing Victim

Transforming “I Should" to "I Choose"

Recognising Demand Behaviour – ‘Shoulds’ on others

Difficult Behaviours: trying to gain power, attention, appear inadequate or get revenge

Re-evaluating the past

Wanting to use my personal power in a way that doesn't diminish others

Consulting

Active Listening

Using "I" statements

Giving appropriate feedback

Reducing blaming language

Sharing responsibility and decision-making

Page 1



Broadening Perspectives H.12.2

The Skills of Conflict Resolution (cont’d)

Managing Emotions Cycle of Emotions

Focusing

Believing that expression of emotions plays an essential part in creating richer relationships.

Choosing appropriate ways to express emotions

Centreing

Active Listening


Projection Desert Island Exercise

Forgiveness

Recognising that it is valuable to explore my part of the problem.

Communicating a willingness to resolve Giving appropriate acknowledgement and feedback

Mapping Defining the issues

Identifying needs and concerns

Wanting what's fair for everyone Active Listening

Consulting

Asking questions

Expressing needs and concerns

Designing Options Clarifying the potential outcomes of alternatives

Believing that the best solution comes out of exploring a range of creative alternatives.

Joint problem-solving, brainstorming, negotiating, evaluating options etc.

Stating my alternatives if we can't agree

Negotiation All of the above skills

Believing that needs-based negotiation can be successful

All of the above skills

Making a reframing response to overcome resistance and direct the flow towards the positive

Mediation AIl of the above skills so that mediator focuses on his/her role, responses and the process, rather than the content, of the mediation

Supporting the participants in the mediation as the ones best able to decide on appropriate solutions.

Believing that a neutral third party can provide a helpful environment to support people resolving their own conflicts.

Mirroring

Active Listening

Using "I" statements

Joint problem-solving


All of the above skills Knowing that my limited perspective may be only part of a bigger picture.

Active listening

Asking questions

Demonstrating a willingness to learn

Page 2


Ph. 61 2 9419 8500 Fax 61 2 9413 1148 Email: [email protected] Web: www.crnhq.org Aikido V.1

Case Study in Conflict

Family Feud – Part 1 Sarah and Lotte are two elderly sisters who have not spoken to each other for twenty years. They argued dreadfully about the terms of their mother's will. Their mother had left the family home to Lotte who at the time was struggling financially with her husband to bring up three children and lived in a rented apartment. Sarah was at that time unmarried though she has since married. Sarah was a successful executive earning a good salary (though not perhaps as good as mother had believed when she devised the will). Sarah was left with her mother's personal possessions which would have been worth around three thousand dollars. Sarah disputed the will in court but was unable to prove that her mother was of unsound mind when making the will and the court upheld the terms of the will.

Lotte's son, Richard, can see that his mother is in her last years and does not want his mother to die with this family feud still raging.

Richard is keen to adopt a win/win approach to this conflict. What skills would be helpful to him in analysing the conflict? What attitudes might assist him?

Explore some options Richard could consider, to move towards a win/win outcome. Identify the major issues, the steps he could take and the skills he would need

.




Family Feud – Part 2 Richard hears from a cousin that Sarah would like to re-build some relationship with his mother, Lotte. He discusses this with his mother who then agrees to meet with Sarah. The meeting goes poorly. Old wounds resurface and Lotte and Sarah have a huge argument. Richard tries to calm his mother and help her to see Sarah's perspective. Lotte then accuses Richard of siding against her, his own mother, and declares that she doesn't want to see him again.

How could Richard now maintain a win/win approach? Try to identify specific examples of strategies he could use and of what he could say and do. Consider also how to broaden the perspective on the conflict (e.g. re-define the win, rebalance a loss, consider wider context and longer timeframe.)

What win/win outcome might conceivably occur?




The Split Up – Part 1 Lisa and Allan lived in a de facto relationship which was cemented by buying a house using a joint loan. The relationship has broken down. Lisa has moved out; Allan still lives in the house. Most arrangements for the disbursement of jointly owned furniture have been accomplished with some pain and further argument. Instead of paying rent, Allan now pays off Lisa's part of the loan repayments. He is dipping heavily into his modest savings to do so.

Lisa now wants to buy a new home and needs the money she has put into the house. On paper, Allan cannot afford to buy Lisa out by refinancing the loan with his present income. However, he owns the house his mother lives in. If he received rent from his mother, his total income would satisfy a bank as to his ability to repay. However, Allan prides himself on taking care of his mother in this way.

The present situation is really unviable for Allan in the long term and does not suit Lisa at all right now. Allan's reluctance to address the financial problem is making Lisa wild. She sees him using her capital to present a "good provider" image to his mother.

Lisa is keen to adopt a win/win approach to this conflict. What skills would be helpful to her in analysing the conflict? What attitudes might assist her?

Explore some options Lisa could consider to move towards a win/win outcome. Identify the major issues, the steps she could take and the skills she would need.




The Split Up – Part 2 Lisa asks a mutual friend, Jeff, to come with her to see Allan to try and sort it all out. Allan is furious that Lisa has discussed their financial affairs with Jeff and deeply resents the interference. Allan says that he's not leaving the house and that he's not prepared to discuss it with her personally any more. He assures Lisa that he will be able to solve the problem shortly. Allan says that he wants all further dealings to be conducted through their solicitors.

Lisa does not want to take him to court but she is stuck and cannot rebuild her life while this issue is unsettled. Allan does not seem to hear her on this.

How could Lisa now maintain a win/win approach? Try to identity specific examples of strategies she could use and of what she could say and do. Consider also how to broaden the perspective on the conflict (e.g. re-define the win, re-balance a loss, take in the wider context and a longer timeframe.)





The New Manager – Part 1 In a large manufacturing company with overseas ownership, a new manager of the accounting section was appointed over a year ago. The final decision to appoint this person was made in New York.

At the time the job became vacant, the assistant Accounts Manager, Bill, applied. He had worked for the firm for ten years. Although without formal accountancy qualifications, he understands the whole financial system of the company perfectly and is very good on the informal links needed with the accounts sections of their suppliers. He is well liked by the staff of eight for his easy-going and friendly approach.

The new appointee, Daniela, has an accountancy degree and a good track record in previous companies. She prides herself on efficiency and her ability to make sure a job is well done. She has rubbed her staff up the wrong way introducing a new computer system which, as yet, has many bugs in it. She demands a level of efficiency, punctuality and quietness in the office that the staff has never experienced before and they resent it. Staff resentment is being fuelled by Bill who disliked Daniela from the first day, and who is even more entrenched in his opposition now. The Accounts section is now very inefficient. Invoices are often sent late, and arrears are not being handled. Frequent errors in wages irritate the staff enormously from other areas of the company. All reporting of errors must go through Daniela who seems to use any scapegoats she can. Daniela is often angry with Bill for things he does not perceive as his fault. The Senior Manager calls Daniela and Bill into his office. He does not want to lose either of them.

The Senior Manager is keen to adopt a win/win approach to this conflict. What skills would be helpful to him in analysing the conflict? What attitudes might assist him?

Explore some options the Senior Manager could consider to move towards a win/win outcome. Identify the major issues, the steps he could take and the skills he would need.




The New Manager – Part 2 At the meeting with the Senior Manager, Daniela and Bill decide to divide some tasks in the section so that there needs to be less daily interaction between them.

Inefficiencies continue to plague the company. When the New York President flies in and hears about the problem in the accounting section, he demands the Australian Manager takes decisive action immediately and fire either Daniela or Bill.

How could the Australian Manager now maintain a win/win approach? Try to identify specific examples of strategies he could use and of what he could say and do. Consider also how to broaden the perspective on the conflict (e.g. redefine the win, re-balance a loss, take in the wider context or a longer timeframe.)





The Barking Dog – Part 1 Wan is Vietnamese and speaks little English. He, his wife, three children, and their much loved young dog move into a new neighbourhood.

Wan and his wife rely on their oldest boy, Minh – their ten year old son – for most of their everyday communication in English. Minh’s English is much better than theirs. Minh has already been in trouble with the nearest neighbour for breaking one of their windows with an out-of-control ball and for leaving his bike on their common driveway.

One day, the neighbour confronts Wan angrily. From what Wan understands, it seems that the problem this time has to do with Wan's dog and its barking when the family is out. The dog is always chained up in the back garden when they are out. As the dog is pretty good when they are at home, Wan finds it hard to understand the size of the problem to the neighbour.

Wan is keen to adopt a win/win approach to this conflict. What skills would be helpful to him in analysing the conflict? What attitudes might assist him?

Explore some options Wan could consider, to move towards a win/win outcome. Identify the major issues, the steps he could take and the skills he would need.




The Barking Dog –Part 2' One day, Wan finds a poison bait in the garden near the neighbour's fence. The dog does not seem to have eaten it but Wan is very angry at this and the danger it presents not only to his dog but to his younger children.

How could Wan now maintain a win/win approach? Try to identify specific examples of strategies he could use and of what he could say and do. Consider also how to broaden the perspective on the conflict (e.g. re-define the win, re-balance a loss. Take in the wider context or a longer timeframe.)





The Oval – Part 1 Situated in a quiet suburban street and surrounded by bushland is an oval owned by the local Council. It is marked up for cricket and is underused. The Soccer Association is looking for a permanent location which can be properly fitted out for night-time playing including floodlighting and a fence to allow money to be collected for watching the game. The Soccer Association will pay the Council a handsome rent and relieve it of the responsibility of maintaining the grounds. A Building Application is before Council. Some residents hear of the application and are furious. The oval is used as a recreation area, included in walks and used often for exercising dogs. If the application goes through there will be no access for residents and the residents believe that the fencing will spoil the look and charm of the bush and oval walks. The traffic through their streets will be greatly increased when games are on and the night-time floodlighting will interfere with native bird and animal life.

A concerned resident, Audrey Tomkins is keen to adopt a win/win approach to this conflict. What skills would be helpful to her in analysing the conflict? What attitudes might particularly assist her?

Explore some options Audrey could consider, to move towards a win/win outcome. Identify the major issues, the steps she could take and the skills she would need.




The Oval – Part 2 Audrey, with some other residents, calls a meeting in a local hall one evening to discuss the issues. Council Aldermen and the local MP are invited to attend and do so. The Soccer Association has not replied to its written invitation. Though the Association may have an observer at the meeting, it is impossible to tell as the crowd is large and the association hasn't chosen to have an official guest to speak from the dais. The Mayor states that the Council has decided to give the lease to the Soccer Association because of its benefits to the community. Some residents want to fight this issue on legal grounds claiming that a lease to the Soccer Association infringes existing zoning regulations. Also, there are questions about noise pollution levels and suggestions that protection may be gained through a state government environmental authority. The meeting degenerates as some residents start abusing the Mayor and the Aldermen, and others walk out.

How could Audrey now maintain a win/win approach? Try to identify specific examples of strategies she could use and of what she could say and do. Consider also how to broaden the perspective on the conflict (e.g. redefine the win, re-balance a loss, take in the wider context or a longer timeframe.)





Professionals and Volunteers – Part 1 A fund-raising organisation previously run totally by volunteers has been in existence for many years, helped by many dedicated people.

Now, a government grant makes it possible to employ some help. A full time co-ordinator is appointed by the Managing Board, but not from within the group of volunteers. Some ex-volunteers also start to receive payments for work performed. Some volunteers now find their support redundant with paid people performing tasks they used to do for nothing.

The co-ordinator is making these decisions on the basis of putting the organisation on a more professional footing as increased professionalism had been a stated goal of the Board.

There is now a very volatile mixture of paid and unpaid people working for the organisation. Unpaid staff resent the newcomers. Paid staff often complain about the haphazard methods used by voluntary staff. A number of volunteers are pulling out. A particularly respected and valuable volunteer gives notice that she will no longer be offering her help.

The co-ordinator is keen to adopt a win/win approach to this conflict. What skills would be helpful to her in analysing the conflict? What attitudes might assist her?

Explore some options the co-ordinator could consider, to move towards a win/win outcome. Identify the major issues, the steps she could take and the skills she would need.




Professionals and Volunteers – Part 2 The end of year figures are out and the proportion of money spent on administration to money dispensed to the charity is disturbingly high. The two camps – paid staff and volunteers – still fight. Immediate action is required to address concerns from the Board and before the press make the figures public. The Board is particularly concerned about the ongoing discontent, the high administration costs and the public image of the organisation. It is questioning the ability of the co-ordinator to do the job.

How could the co-ordinator now maintain a win/win approach? Try to identify specific examples of strategies she could use and of what she could say and do. Consider also how to broaden the perspective on the conflict (e.g. redefine the win, re-balance a loss, take in the wider context or a longer timeframe.)





Workplace Bargaining – Part 1 Sixty migrant women from various ethnic groups, work in a large textile factory. They have been told that they will need to re-negotiate their work conditions as the factory is running at a loss. Their local union representatives are highly articulate and often choose confrontationist strategies. The women fear that if they involve them, the management may start sacking people, be reluctant to consider some important concerns, or may close the factory altogether. At this stage, no-one amongst the staff has volunteered to represent the group to management. Child-minding, flexible hours, and job-sharing are some of their issues.

Dimitra, an employee of five years, is keen to adopt a win/win approach to this conflict. What skills would be helpful to her in analysing the conflict? What attitudes might assist her?

Explore some options Dimitra could consider, to move towards a win/win outcome. Identify the major issues, the steps she could take and the skills she would need.




Workplace Bargaining – Part 2 A meeting has been called and three women, one of whom is Dimitra, together go to management to negotiate on behalf of everyone. They are told that ten women are to be dismissed and that management will finalise these dismissals before looking at any other issues.

On reporting back to the other women, the general opinion is that it is now time to involve the union. Striking is an option they feel they must consider.

How could Dimitra now maintain a win/win approach? Try to identify specific examples of strategies she could use and of what she could say and do. Consider also how to broaden the perspective on the conflict (e.g. redefine the win, re-balance a loss, take in the wider context or a longer timeframe.)




Intention/Commitment Sheet

"Until one is committed there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness"

(W. H. Murray)

Three major things I learned are: _________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________

Three skills I commit to use regularly are: _________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________

Three specific actions I will take are: _________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________

I will check back with myself regarding the above o n

(dates): _____________ ______________

_____________ ______________

Signed:



Aikido

Objectives: To introduce participants to Aikido

To raise participants’ awareness of the value of centreing in managing conflict.

Session Time: 1 hour: Sections A and B

Sections: A. Introduction to AIKIDO IV.17

B. Aikido and its Relevance to CR IV.18

Activities: Aikido Exercises A.IV.1



Aikido

Will you React or Respond?

This is a valuable addition to the material in Chapter 4. Appropriate Assertiveness, Chapter 5. Co-operative Power and Chapter 6. Managing Emotions.

However, it would not be appropriate for trainers who have not had direct experience of these or very similar exercises in a Conflict Resolution or other course, to attempt this material.

PPPP. Introduction to AIKIDO (10 minutes)

(See Chapter 6. Managing Emotions: Section A.)

Question: When confronted with conflict, do you ever feel ove rwhelmed, anxious and can't think of the appropriate thing to say or do?

Question: What happens in your body? What do you notice?


• Our body responses seem to take over.

• We may feel disconnected from what is really happening.

• We may feel off balance.

• We may feel stiffness or tightening of muscles, particularly in our neck, shoulders, jaw and chest.

In this session we are going to explore a technique called centreing to assist us to be less "off balance'' when confronted with conflict.

This particular technique is based upon the principles of a Japanese martial art known as Aikido. AI means harmony, KI means energy (as the Chinese ''chi'' in Tai Chi), DO means the way. So AI KI DO is the way of harmonising energy. As a martial art, Aikido aims to render an attack harmless without doing harm to the attacker. This aligns with the conflict resolution principle of being hard on the issue and soft on the person.

When confronted with conflict, our thoughts may tell us to use a particular conflict resolution skill, although our body reaction may be to attack or withdraw – “fight” or ''flight''.

The skill of centreing helps us to have our thoughts, behaviour and body responses in greater alignment.



Specifically, centreing assists us to:

• focus our thoughts on desired outcomes

• feel balanced and stable

• embrace rather than resist conflict

• relate to the other person as a partner rather than as an opponent

• look for the opportunity that the conflict is bringing

• “flow” with the problem rather than against it.

The Aikido approach is based upon the key principles of choosing to be centred; accepting our connectedness, and the power of discovery. For exploration of these principles, see Tom Crum The Magic of Conflict (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1987).

Group Activity: Aikido Exercises: participants are taught some simple Aikido exercises to experience the sensation of centredness. (See Aikido Activities, p A.IV.1.)

QQQQ. Aikido and its Relevance to CR (10 minutes)

Question: How might centreing be useful to us in our daily li ves?


• We may feel more relaxed.

• We may be less stressed.

• We may be able to think more clearly.

• We may be less anxious.

Question: How might we apply centreing in conflict situations ?


• It might help us to be more in control of our body reaction to enable us to respond rather than react to a conflict.

• It might enable us to make an “I” statement more clearly.

• It may help us to handle someone else’s anger because we feel more balanced, more personally powerful and less threatened.

• It might help us harness our own emotions and communicate them constructively.

Question: What are some of the triggers that might help us to remember to centre?




• Say the word “centre” to ourselves.

• Notice our breathing.

• Unlock our jaws.

• Remind ourselves of centreing before walking through the door to an important meeting.

• Remember to centre when the phone rings, just before we answer it. This provides an opportunity to practice this skill so we become used to centreing, and can do so quickly and easily when it’s needed.

Concluding comments:

We rarely remain centred for more that a few moments. Regular practice will have a cumulative effect upon our whole system, especially in managing stress. Every time we centre, we consolidate it as a habitual response so that it is more readily accessible. When conflict occurs, we can use centreing to be less reactive and more responsive to the circumstances that are presented to us.

Conclude this session with this story:

The Schoolroom

This is the story of a particular class of high school students, prone to playing pranks on new teachers, just to try them out.

One Monday morning they knew that they were to have a new English teacher. As usual, they all got together to plan a surprise. They decided that at 10.18am precisely, by the wall clock, they would all pick up their books from their desk and drop them loudly on the floor. It should be fun to see her response to that!

At 10.17am the teacher had her back to the class, writing the homework project on the board, a big smile went around the room. BANG! Everyone dropped their books. This was no ordinary teacher. She put the chalk down, calmly walked to her desk, picked up her books, dropped them loudly on the floor, looked up to the waiting students and said “Sorry, I’m late!”

This teacher was able to embrace the conflict with the students and flow with it. She demonstrated that she was her students’ partner, not their opponent.



Bioenergetics V.1

Aikido Activities

Aikido Exercises


Context: We all have conditioned body responses to conflict, usually in the form of “fight” or “flight”. Aikido, a Japanese martial art, meaning the way to harmonise energy (AI– harmony, KI– energy, DO– the way) provides a physical parallel for many of the verbal skills in this manual (See Chapter IV, Aikido; Section A)

Time: 40 minutes

Aims: To provide participants with a physical experience of the “Flow” concept (see Win/Win Approach, Appropriate Assertiveness, Managing Emotions) by doing a variety of exercises.

To explore the skill of centreing.

Requirements: Clear space in the room so that participants can move around freely. Remove restrictive clothing e.g. high heeled shoes, jackets etc.

Instructions: We're going to do a series of exercises to experience the feeling of centredness. We will be working together in partnership, assisting each other to experiment with these exercises.

We need some guidelines that will help to make us feel comfortable and create an environment in which we can learn.

First, we need to remember to touch each other gently and with respect. Work as partners not opponents.

When testing, avoid sharp, jerky movements. Don't take the other person by surprise. Provide a smooth, steady resistance to help them learn a new body response.

Third, the way we experience these exercises is different for each person. There is no right and wrong, and no should or shouldn't. We just need to accept whatever response we get. (If you have explored the Perfection/Discovery model in Chapter 2. Creative Response: Section C, you can encourage participants to use a Discovery Approach, as discussed there, in experiencing the Aikido exercises.)

To help us experience the impact of the exercises, we'll use a variety of images and metaphors. As we do the exercises, we may think of other images and metaphors. This is valuable as it makes the experience more powerful, and more appropriate to our individual needs.



Bioenergetics V.2

Ask participants to divide into pairs, finding partners who are about the same physical size as themselves. Then lead them through the following exercises. Demonstrate each exercise with a participant as you explain it, before all the participants take their turn.

UNBREAKABLE CIRCLE

Step 1

In this first exercise, I’m going to ask my partner to hold out his/her hand and make a firm circle with their thumb and forefinger (as in Figure 1 below.)

I am now going to try to separate my partner's fingers by taking hold of each of them and pulling them apart: my partner is going to resist me. In other words, he/she is going to try and keep their fingers together, while I try to pull them apart (as in Figure 2 below.)

Demonstrate this.

We can feel how much strength and effort it takes to resist each other.

Now ask participants to try this – first one partner, then the other.

Step 2

This time we are going to do something different. Without using physical strength, my partner is going to hold his/her fingers as before and try to prevent me from opening them. I’m going to ask my partner to do this by imagining as clearly as possible that his/her fingers form a very strong, solid, steel ring that cannot be broken.

It might be helpful to use an image or association, like a wedding ring or a ring on a horse's harness, to help ''know'' that the steel ring is unbreakable.

Demonstrate this.

Now ask participants to try this – first one partner, then the other.



Bioenergetics V.3

Discussion: Did you notice any differences between the first time you tried it using strength, and the second time using the image of an unbreakable steel ring? What did you experience?

Important Points to Cover

Our minds are capable of making images that change our physical strength in directly testable ways. We can have a lot of control over our body's energy once we recognise it and give it attention. Energy follows attention.

BASIC CENTREING EXPERIENCE

We are now going to explore a technique known as centreing . Once again, it has to do with attention and where we focus energy in our bodies. The centre of gravity of any mass is the infinitely small point of most stability from where it is least likely to lose balance.

This time I want you to work as individuals.

Stand comfortably, balanced on both feet, hip-width apart.

Now relax and loosen your body.

Lift your feet, one at a time, and rotate your ankles.

Bend your knees slightly, making sure they're not locked.

Gently sway your hips, stretch your spine, and lift and lower your shoulders.

Very gently and slowly, lower your head towards your chest, and raise it again, to ease your neck.

Now take a deep breath, hold it for a moment and let it out with a sigh. Then breathe easily. (Pause)

Now place your thumb on your navel and wrap your hand around your stomach below this. Nestle your other hand into the small of your back. Between these two hands lies the centre of your body.

Ask participants to take their full attention to the inside of their bodies between their two hands, and to become more aware of their centres. Ask them to let their breathing drop down to their centres.

Participants may first close their eyes to focus their attention fully. Then, ask them to experiment maintaining attention on their centre with their eyes open and looking around the room.

Allow 2 minutes.


How did it feel?



Bioenergetics V.4

EXPERIENCING STABILITY – CHOOSING TO BE CENTRED

Step 1

In this exercise, we’re going to experience the stability that arises from being centred. First, we’ll do what we call the “wobble” test. I’m going to ask my partner to stand with her feet side-by-side, a comfortable distance apart. I’m going to stand to the side of my partner, facing her. Now. I’ll place one hand behind her back, but not actually touching her, and the other hand lightly on the upper part of her chest (as in figure 3 below.)

Figure 3

I’m going to gently and steadily increase the pressure on my partner’s chest until she loses her balance. I’ll keep my hand behind her back to reassure her that she won’t fall backwards.

Demonstrate and then ask partners to try this – first one partner, then the other.


How much effort did it take to unbalance your partners?

Step 2

We’re going to do a similar exercise again. I’m going to gently apply pressure to my partner’s chest, with my other hand close to her back to prevent her from falling. But, first I’m going to ask my partner to become centred. I’m going to ask her to unlock her knees, to breathe easily and to put her full attention on the centre of her body. She may like to put her hand near her centre to help focus her attention. There’s no hurry. (Pause) When she feels comfortably centred, I want her to signal to me (as in Figure 3 above.) Now, I’m going to gently and steadily increase the pressure on her chest for a short time. Watch what happens.

Demonstrate this.



Bioenergetics V.5

Ask your partner what he/she noticed and felt. Also ask other participants what they observed.

Now ask partners to try this – first one partner, then the other.


How did it feel?


When we are centred we feel calm and in charge of ourselves. As we go through the day we won't remain centred. However, with practice, it takes only a moment to focus again on our centre.

EXPANDING STABILITY – EMBRACE CONFLICT

This exercise adds more skill to the previous exercise: ''Experiencing Stability: Choosing to be centred”.

In this exercise we will practise focusing again on centreing. I'm going to ask my partner to think of a current problem that is worrying her. I want my partner to imagine her problem is on the tip of my index finger, which I am holding about 30 cm away from her. When she has all her attention on the tip of my finger, I place that finger on her nose.

Demonstrate with a partner. Do this light-heartedly.

Now, we really have a problem. We both look stupid!

I do the wobble test with my other hand, applying pressure to her chest. If all her attention is indeed on her nose (the problem), she'll wobble. Now I ask my partner to centre, while I still have the ''problem'' pressed on her nose.

I do the wobble test again. If she has centred, she will not wobble. Now without seriously hurting her, l take her attention away from her centre again, by standing on one of her feet – another problem! I do the wobble test. Is she still centred or has she ''lost'' it? If she has, I give her a moment to centre and, with one finger on her nose, and one foot on her foot (problems everywhere!), I do the wobble test again.

Now ask partners to try this – first one partner then the other.

Discussion: What did you notice? How did it feel?


Centring is not a philosophical concept. It is tangible and testable. It rests on the intimate relationship between mind and body. Don't expect to stay centred; expect to keep going back to centre. When the going gets tough, centre!



Bioenergetics V.6

THE UNBENDABLE ARM – EXTENDING OUR TERRITORY

In this exercise, we’re going to experience the idea of extending our energy out from our centre.

Step 1

I’m going to ask my partner to stand comfortably with his arm held out to one side at shoulder height. I’m going to stand in front of my partner and grasp his arm with my hands. I’ll put one hand on top of his upper arm like this, and the other underneath his forearm. He keeps his wrist turned to the front (as in Figure 4 below)

Now I’m going to ask my partner to try to keep his arm straight as I apply steady pressure and try to bend it at the elbow (as in Figure 5 below). Be careful not to attempt to bend your partner’s arm in the wrong direction and cause injury.

Figure 4 Figure 5

Demonstrate this.


Highlight the struggle and the effort involved. Now ask partners to try this – first one partner, then the other.

Step 2

This time, I’m going to ask my partner to become centred before I attempt to bend his arm. I want him to use his mind and extend his energy rather than resist me with force and struggle.

So, I’m going to say to my partner: imagine that your centre is an infinite reservoir, gushing water/energy, and that your outstretched arm is a fire hose connected to this reservoir. Your fingers are the nozzle. Now, think of something outside the room that you want to spray water on such as a garden, a pathway or a fire. Turn on a powerful flow of the water/energy from your centre and imagine yourself as a fire hydrant with the water coming from your centre. Your arm will be like a fire hose when the water pressure is on. Keep the elbow slightly bent. Wave your fingers a little to be sure you are not tensing up. This is about relaxed strength, so don’t make images that would make you anxious or desperate.



Bioenergetics V.7

Encourage your partner to include his own detail, to visualise his own images, and involve his other senses so that the image is real for him.

When my partner has a strong, clear image, I'll ask him to signal me that he's ready. (Pause) Now I'll try, as I did before, to bend his arm. I won't jerk his arm; instead I'll apply a smooth, steady pressure (as in Figures 4 and 5 above.)

Now ask partners to try this – first one partner, then the other.


How did it feel?


Your real strength is strength of mind – a strength that comes from relaxation and a powerful flow of energy into the situation. Often when we are in conflict, we contract and shut down our energy. Aikido teaches us to do just the opposite.

Our energy is not just flowing through our arm, of course; it flows from our centre, through our whole body, radiating out into the situation.

Aikido master Koichi Tohei in Ki in Daily Life (Japan: Ki No Kenkyukai H.Q., 1978) says ''lf you maintain the one point (i.e. centre), even if you do not think that your mental strength is flooding forth, ki will be flowing out from your entire body.” p49. In other words, the essence of this approach is centreing. From it comes calm, flowing power.

TRIBUTARIES – CONNECTING, FLOWING WITH, DIRECTING

This exercise is an extension of the previous one, and explores our attitude of connecting with the other person, and flowing with her as a partner not an opponent.

This time: I'll ask my partner to do the same as in the previous exercise but first to picture me as her (or his) opponent in a conflict. I'll ask her to imagine again her infinite reservoir of energy/water, her arm as a hose and the water/energy flowing through and directed where she wants it to go. I am trying to bend her arm (as in Figure 4.) She might note how disconnected she feels from me. Here I am huffing and puffing and it seems like she doesn't care at all.

In conflict, this attitude might make us powerful, but it certainly isn't win/win. Win/win is about connecting and flowing with the other person. Now I ask my partner to picture that my hands on her arm are not resisting but are additional hoses adding more energy/water to her own like a tributary flowing into a stream. Now she is connected to me. She is using my energy. She can relate to me. We can make eye contact with each other. My partner makes a shift in attitude, feels good to be helped, knowing there is more water/energy available for the task at hand.



Bioenergetics V.8

Now ask partners to try this – first one partner then the other.


How did it feel?


Ideally, in conflict, my partner also directs his/her energy to be a support or tributary. Our personal power connects and flows towards successful outcomes. Life doesn't often give us that, of course. Whether or not our partner plays win/win, the skill is to consciously involve ourselves with the other person's energy, flowing with it and directing it positively. A reframing question is an excellent way to do this verbally. After a few times of working with us in conflict, our opponents may well start to get the message. Our aim in connecting is to turn our opponents into partners with whom we create better solutions.

LIFTING A TREE – CHANGING THE RELATIONSHIP

This exercise is most suitable for physically fit and comfortably dressed groups. Some participants may prefer to watch rather than participate. It can just be a demonstration at the front of the room, without full group participation.

You may choose to be the person who demonstrates being centred. Step 1 below is written for when this is the case. In this circumstance, choose two fit, reasonably strong volunteers of roughly equal height. Demonstrate as you explain.

Step 1

I need two volunteers to help me. I will stand between the two. I'm going to ask my two volunteers to lift me up. I will hold both my arms straight down. Each of the volunteers will take one of my hands in one of their hands. With their other hand, they will hold my elbow (as in Figure 6 below.) Now I want them to lift me up, and notice how much effort this takes (as in Figure 7 below.)

If the volunteers don't manage to fully lift you off the ground, participants still get an idea of the weight/effort involved.

)

Figure 6 Figure 7



Bioenergetics V.9

Step 2

This time, l will centre and allow the sense of my body weight to let down and connect with the ground. When I’m ready, I'll ask the volunteers to lift me again.

It is likely that the volunteers won't be able to lift you, even though you're not actually resisting them.

Some participants may want to experience the exercise for themselves. Others may want to watch.

The person to be lifted may prefer to use another image of a sturdy, old well rooted tree, put their awareness into the soles of the feet and, as the sense of body weight lets down, to make a connection with the roots, deep into the earth.


How did it feel?

VARIATION

If the person demonstrating is light enough to be easily held in the air, he/she can make the image of connecting to the earth after being raised and while still being held up. The supporting partners suddenly and dramatically cannot hold up the person demonstrating any more, or find it much more difficult.


This exercise demonstrates that there is a tangible difference when you acknowledge connection – in this case with the earth. There is an observable change in the dynamics of the situation, when the relationship between the three people and the earth changed.

In conflict you may well need to feel connected with the earth. It gives you a strong sense of being integrally involved in the situation. You don't feel like you're a ''pushover'.

As you become centred, allowing your energy to flow and connect with others and the earth, the whole relationship changes.



Bioenergetics V.10

Bioenergetics

Objectives: To become aware of the way in which emotional tensions are stored in our muscles.

To learn some bioenergetic exercises to help release these tensions.

Session Times: 1 hour: Sections A–C

Recommended: Managing Emotions

Sections: A. Experiencing Emotions in our Bodies V.11

B. An Introduction to Bioenergetics V.13

C. Bioenergetics in Context V.13

Activities: Bioenergetics Exercises A.V.14



Bioenergetics V.11

Bioenergetics

Releasing Tension Through Movement

This is a valuable addition to the material in Chapter 6. Managing Emotions. It is particularly relevant to participants who find dealing with emotions in conflict very difficult, or who want to learn ways of releasing anger and managing stress.

However, it would not be appropriate for trainers who have not had direct experience of these exercises in a Conflict Resolution (or other) course, to attempt this material.

RRRR. Experiencing Emotions in our Bodies (15 minutes)

(See Chapter 6. Managing Emotions: Section A.)

Choose the question below most relevant to your group.

Question: Think of a recent conflict. What emotion(s) did you feel? In what part of your body did you feel them?

or

Question: Where in your body do you feel anger?

or

Question: Where in your body do you feel stress?

Discussion: Ask participants to jot down and then share their responses. In addition, you might consider:

• ''butterflies'' and churning in the stomach

• stiffness, tight muscles and tension in neck, shoulders, jaw and chest

• headache

• pain in lower or upper back

• soreness in legs

• fidgeting.



Bioenergetics V.12

Question: What are some of the ways we express or deal with o ur emotions?

(See Chapter 6. Managing Emotions: Section B.)

Discussion: Draw out participants responses. In addition, you might consider:

Short term Long term

take time-out exercise

doodle talk

stamp your foot listen

snap a pencil meditate

tear up a piece of paper cuddle

wash-up

Question: Many of these ways are physical or involve activity . Are you aware of a physical release, or a sense of relaxati on in your body, after you've expressed emotions in these ways?


• lt may feel cathartic.

• We may feel physically tired or weak.

• We may feel invigorated.

Question: What happens if we don't express our emotions?


• ill health

• stress

• withdrawal

• explosion

• diminished capacity to experience pleasure and happiness.



Bioenergetics V.13

SSSS. An Introduction to Bioenergetics (30 minutes)

See Alexander Lowen MD and Leslie Lowen The Way to Vibrant Health: A Manual of Bioenergetic Exercises (New York: 1977).

Bioenergetics is a way of understanding our body, how much energy we have, and how we use it. It is based on the idea that what goes on in our minds reflects what is happening in our bodies and vice versa.

Every stress produces tension in the body. Normally, tension disappears when stress is relieved, but if we have chronic stress, tensions can persist in our muscles. This may disturb our emotional health, so we feel less energetic and ''blocked up". We're no longer as mobile nor as self-expressive.

Bioenergetic exercises can help relieve this chronic tension. They are designed to make us aware of which muscles are tense and to release these tensions through appropriate movement.

So doing bioenergetic exercises on a regular basis allows our bodies to let go of the chronic muscle tension that causes us to feel emotionally numb.

Group Activity: Bioenergetic Exercises: participants are taught some simple bioenergetic exercises to release emotional tensions. (See Bioenergetic Activities, p A.V.1.) (20 minutes)

TTTT. Bioenergetics in Context

Bioenergetics is one tool for managing emotions and dealing with stress. We can also combine bioenergetics with other long and short term methods for expressing our emotions (see Chapter 6. Managing Emotions: Section B) and managing our stress.

As well, explore the sources of persistent emotional tension (e.g. see Chapter 7. Willingness to Resolve) and consider practical solutions for reducing stress (time management strategies, reducing workload, delegating tasks etc.)



Bioenergetics V.14

Bioenergetics Activities

Bioenergetics Exercises


Context: Our feelings and thoughts find expression in our bodies. Similarly, our physical state affects our emotional state. By releasing muscle tension, we can often release emotional tension. (See Chapter V Bioenergetics: Section B)

Time: 20 minutes (Ensure that there is sufficient flexibility in programming to adequately debrief and support participants.)

Aim: To learn some bioenergetic exercises as a means of getting in touch with and releasing emotions

Instructions: We're going to learn a few bioenergetic exercises.

Most people find these exercises very valuable. Some people find them so powerful that they can feel quite emotionally disturbed after doing them, particularly if they're feeling tired, stressed or upset beforehand.

If you do feel disturbed, and you wish to stop, please do. If you want to continue, then do that also. After we've completed the exercises there'll be time to talk with a partner about what you felt. As well, please see me to talk further if you feel you need to. If you are nursing a physical injury, please only do what is appropriate for your own body.

Ask participants to make themselves comfortable to learn the exercises: remove shoes and close fitting jackets and find themselves a space to work in about a metre away from anyone else.

These few exercises will make us more aware of different muscles, and release some of the stored tension. If we deliberately put a muscle under stress by contracting it, then, when we relax it, it relaxes past the level of tension it had before.



Bioenergetics V.15

BASIC ORIENTING POSITION (referred to as BOP in text below)

Purpose: to ''let go'' and let our attention drop down to our feet.

Stand with your feet parallel, about 20cm (8") apart.

Put your weight on the balls of your feet.

Bend your knees slightly.

Relax your pelvis – let it fall slightly.

Keep the upper part of your body straight and relaxed.

Relax your jaw – mouth slightly open.

Let your belly out.

Arms should be floppy. (Make the joke: dumb, loose and floppy.)

Drop your pelvic floor.

Breathe easily and deeply.

Allow 2–3 minutes. Remind them of the instructions and, particularly, to breathe deeply.

FOOT TURNING

Purpose: to release tensions in the arches of your feet.

Stand as in the first exercise (BOP).

(Remind them of how this is done.)

Roll onto the outside edges of your feet.


Allow 20 seconds.

Move your feet back to their central position.

Now roll onto the inside edges of your feet. Continue breathing deeply.

Allow 10 seconds.



Bioenergetics V.16

BASIC GROUNDING

Purpose : release pain and tensions in the legs.

Stand as in the first exercise (BOP).

(Remind them of how this is done.)

Now bend your left knee slightly.

Shift all your weight onto your left foot.

Keep your body facing forward. Don't twist it.

Let your right foot rest lightly flat on the floor.


Hold that position until it feels uncomfortable.

Allow 20–30 seconds.

Now do the same with the other leg.

STRETCH

Purpose: to stretch muscles in the chest wall and relax tension in the throat.

Stand as in BOP, but this time with your feet about 45cm (18") apart

BOP

Reach your hands up into the air, as if to touch the ceiling.

Note any tensions in your body. Is there tightness in your throat or your chest? Is there pain or tingling in your arms or fingers, shoulder joints or along the sides of your body?

Reach backwards. As you do, let go with your voice. Let out a sound (ahaaa!)

Encourage noise. Allow 20 seconds.

Come back to the standing position.



Bioenergetics V.17

BOW

Purpose: to open up breathing more fully, to release tension in the legs and in the belly.

Stand as in BOP, but with feet about 45cm (18'') apart.

Place both your fists, with knuckles facing upwards, into the small of your back.

Bend both your knees, without lifting your heels off the floor.

Arch gently backward over your fists.

Make sure your weight remains forward on the balls of your feet.

Breathe deeply and into your belly.

Keep your neck in line with your spine.

Hold. You may experience vibration of muscles; hold as long as this is pleasant.

When you come out of this exercise, go straight over into the bent forward position. (See Bend below.)

BEND

Purpose: to relax the muscles in the legs and back.

Keep your legs in the same position as they have been in Bow.

Bend over slowly and let your fingertips gently touch the floor with no weight.

Keep your weight on the balls of your feet.

Let your head drop and hang loosely.

Breathe through your mouth.

Straighten knees slowly, but only as much as is comfortable, to feel a slight hamstring stretch.

Slowly and gently return to the standing position.



Bioenergetics V.18

ARM CIRCLES

Purpose: to release tension around shoulder joints and the sides of your body.

Stand as in BOP.

Extend both your arms sideways, level with your shoulders.

Slowly swing your arms forward and down past your sides, breathing out gently as you do so.

Now as you bring your arms upwards for the next swing, breathe in.

Keep doing the swings, gradually moving and breathing faster with each swing.

Do this until your arms begin to tire.

GET OFF MY BACK

Purpose: to have a sensation of lifting a burden off your back, to straighten up your back.

Stand as in BOP.

Bend your elbows and raise them to shoulder height.

Now, with some force, thrust your elbows backwards.

Bring your elbows forward, and thrust them back again.

As you do it, shout something like: ''Get off my back'' or ''Leave me alone.'' Do this several times.



Bioenergetics V.19

NECK ROTATION

Purpose: to release pressure between the joints of the neck vertebrae.

Stand as in BOP.

Let your head roll forward lightly.

Let your shoulders hang as low as possible.

Roll your head in a forward direction gently and slowly from left to right and then right to left like a pendulum. Do not complete the circle by letting the head drop right back.

Breathe slowly and easily.

Keep your eyes open.

Focus on objects that pass your line of vision.

Blink your eyes often.

Do this three times.

PELVIC THRUST

Purpose: to sense tensions in your pelvic area and mobilise the lower part of your body.

Stand as in BOP but with your feet about 30cm (12') apart.

Keep your weight on the balls of your feet.

Keep your knees bent.

Tilt your pelvis backwards by arching your lower back slightly.

Hold for a few seconds.

Now, let your pelvis tilt forward by pressing on the balls of your feet and breathing out.

Repeat several times.

This exercise can also be used to release anger locked in the pelvis. With appropriate groups, repeat the exercise encouraging the thrust to be faster and for people to repeat their own angry phrases e.g. ''You idiot" etc. This can be alienating for conservative groups and is usually inappropriate in a workplace setting. However, it is an extremely valuable personal development exercise in the right setting.



Bioenergetics V.20

EYES CLOSED REVIEW

Purpose: to become aware of the sensation of relaxed muscles.

(Have gentle music playing quietly for this relaxation time.)

Sit down or lie on the floor.

Close your eyes and relax.

Take small sipping breaths at your natural breathing pace.

Imagine that each breath is sweet nectar gradually flowing through you, and particularly into all the muscles and joints you have stimulated during the exercises.

Allow about 4–5 minutes.

Gently open your eyes.

Pair Discussion: Ask participants to share their responses to these exercises with a partner.


Did you become aware of tension in particular muscles?

Did your sense of relaxation alert you to previously held tension?

How might these exercises be useful to you?

Do they link with other exercise or relaxation strategies that you already use?

Documents

COMPLETE-CONFLICT RESOLUTION TRAINERS MANUAL.pdf