Chapter 5 Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning Revising Your Writing

Chapter 5

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Revising Your Writing

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Words Sentences

Paragraphs Tone


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Principles of Style

Words

Write clearly.Write concisely.

Sentences

Use a variety of sentence types.Use active and passive voice appropriately.Use parallel structure.

Paragraphs

Keep paragraphs unified and coherent.Control paragraph length.

Tone

Write confidently.Use a courteous and sincere tone.Use emphasis and subordination.Use positive language and the “you” attitude.

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Words Sentences

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Write Clearly

• Be accurate and complete• Use familiar words• Use specific, concrete language• Avoid dangling expressions• Avoid clichés, slang,

unnecessary jargon

Words | Sentences | Paragraphs | Tone

ALBERTO ZORNETTA/SHUTTERSTOCK.COM

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What Is a Simpler Way to Say This?

NOT: The impending study will ascertain the feasibility of our

obtaining conciliation.

BUT:

NOT: Deciding on an internship with a particular conglomerate may be of

immense consequence to your potential livelihood.

BUT:


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What Words Are Simpler?

Long Short

modification

endeavor

substantial

enumerate

termination

initiate

utilization


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Arrange These Terms from Most to Least Specific

western seaport seaport place San

Diego Pier 45

sport jump ball activity basket-

ballteam sport

ignition failure situation problem engine

troublecar

problem

country neigh-borhood street state city


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What Is a More Specific Way to Say This?

NOT: The report is very sloppy.

BUT:

NOT: You never finish work on time.

BUT:


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How to Avoid Dangling Expressions

Make the subject of the sentence the doer of the action expressed in the introductory clause.Move the expression closer to the word that it modifies.

Make sure that the specific word to which a pronoun refers is clear.

Otherwise revise the sentence for coherence.


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Fun with Dangling Expressions

Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg

Address while traveling to

Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.

I had been driving for about 40 years when I

fell asleep at the wheel and had an

accident.

Two cars were reported stolen by the

Groveton police yesterday.

Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper

editors.


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How Can You Fix These Modifier Problems?

BUT:

NOT: After an hour of sitting, the chairs become

uncomfortable.

BUT:

NOT: Distracted by the music, a rabbit ran in front of the car, and I hit it.


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How Can You Clarify These Pronoun References?

• Bananas seem to have the highest turnover. But the staff is not able to keep up. Most of the time, they run out.

• Although the owners and partners have changed, they continue to expand.


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What Is More Natural, Original Language?

BUT:

NOT: It is with great enthusiasm that I am responding to your job advertisement.

NOT: Enclosed please find the proposal for the schedule for the

training session.

BUT:


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What Do These Slang Expressions Mean?

• Win-win situation

• Synergies

• Low-hanging fruit

• By COB tomorrow

• Paradigm shift

• Best practices

• At the end of the day Words | Sentences | Paragraphs | Tone

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Write Concisely

Avoid redundancy and wordy

expressions

Avoid hidden verbs and subjects


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How Can You Eliminate the Redundancies?

BUT:

NOT: The end result will be that we are completely unanimous.

BUT:

NOT: Each and every one of us is exactly the same.


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How Can You Eliminate Wordiness?

BUT:

NOT: The tiles on the floor will reflect the lighting on the ceiling.

BUT:

NOT: Our benefits for employees are at the top of the list for

companies in our competitive set.


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How Can You Reveal the Hidden Verbs?

BUT:

NOT: A reduction in the price is essential.

BUT:

NOT: I have made a decision that the product faces elimination.


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Which Is the Best Choice for What Audience and Purpose?

• To increase the number of candidates, it is recommended that Alta use an online recruiting system.

Clunky expletive

• To increase the number of candidates, I/we recommend that Alta use an online recruiting system.

“I/We” as subject

• Using an online recruiting system will increase Alta’s number of candidates.

Phrase as subject

• To increase the number of candidates, Alta should/can use an online recruiting system.

“Alta” as subject

• More candidates will apply to Alta if we use an online recruiting system.

“Candidates” as subject


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Use Track Changes in Word

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Words Sentences

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Writing Effective Sentences

Use a variety of sentence types.

Use active and passive voice appropriately.

Use parallel structure.


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How Can You Make These Active Voice?

ACTIVE:

PASSIVE: Too many lobsters have been ordered by the chef.

ACTIVE:

PASSIVE: Our quarterly sales numbers will be confirmed by the auditors.

Past Tense

Future Tense


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How Can You Improve Parallel Structure?

We used the following food criteria for our restaurant evaluation: taste, variety, and how it was presented.

Gwen will do the following: • Meet with Mark• After her meeting, give a presentation • She will follow up with Accounting


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Parallel Structure

Agenda

• What is independent research?• Costs of conducting independent

research• Conducting independent research

has benefits• Process

Agenda

• What is independent research?

• What are the costs of conducting independent research?

• What are the benefits of conducting independent research?

• What is the process for conducting independent research?

Before

After


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Words Sentences

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Developing Logical Paragraphs

Paragraph Unity

Paragraph Length

Paragraph Coherence


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Write a Unified, Coherent Paragraph

Read all of the sentences on the next slide, and delete the one that does not belong to the

unified topic of the paragraph.

Rearrange the sentences in a logical order so that they flow appropriately.

Use transitions, repetition, and

pronouns to "cement" this structure and make it seem

natural.


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Write a United, Coherent Paragraph (cont’d)

● It is only a matter of time before diseases like witches' broom and black pot rot endanger the global cocoa supply.

● Increased international shipping has made it a very real possibility, and the consequences of that would be close to catastrophic.

● The only solution to the dwindling cocoa supply is for scientists from all the producing regions to collaborate and find ways to make cocoa trees more resistant.

● Chocolate lovers beware: the seed of love, the cocoa bean, is threatened by disease.

● The witches' broom, a deadly white fungus that deforms the trees, was responsible for almost destroying Brazil's cocoa crop in the early 1990s.

Source: Adapted from: http://english.ttu.edu/kairos/3.1/news/paradigm/revifrms.htm,


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Words Sentences

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Conveying an Appropriate Tone

Write confidently

Use a courteous and sincere tone

Use appropriate emphasis and subordination

Use positive language

Stress the “you” attitude


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How Can These Sound More/Less Confident?

BUT:

NOT: If you would like to set up an appointment, just ask.

BUT:

NOT: I know that you’ll like our new delivery schedule.


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Revise for a “You” Attitude and Positive Language


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Chapter 5 Copyright © 2015 Cengage Learning Revising Your Writing