CHAPTER 5 CHAPTER 5 COMMUNICATIOCOMMUNICATIO

N N Human RelationsHuman Relations

Used by permission ofTHE ACADEMY OF NURSING2355 E. 3900 S. S.L.C., UT 84124801-506-0064

NON VERBAL:NON VERBAL:

Verbal = Verbal = basic contentbasic contentNon Verbal = Non Verbal = basic interpersonal attitude, basic interpersonal attitude,

emotion or relationship towards the person. emotion or relationship towards the person. • ComplimentsCompliments: : Helps convey full meaning of what Helps convey full meaning of what

we say. we say. • SubstitutesSubstitutes: : Can communicate how we feel Can communicate how we feel

without words, to someone who reads us well.without words, to someone who reads us well.• RegulateRegulate: : Trailing off indicates other may speak.Trailing off indicates other may speak.• Contradict:Contradict: “No, I’m NOT angry.” People believe “No, I’m NOT angry.” People believe

non verbal first, if they aren’t the same message.non verbal first, if they aren’t the same message.

There is no such thing as not There is no such thing as not communicating.communicating.

PROXIMITY PROXIMITY • Can indicate interest & Can indicate interest &

attention.attention.• Where we sit (proximity) Where we sit (proximity)

indicates levels of indicates levels of intimacy. intimacy.

• Moving away indicates Moving away indicates desire to terminate desire to terminate conversation.conversation.

• Moving closer usually one Moving closer usually one exchanges cues to avoid exchanges cues to avoid chance of rejection.chance of rejection.

• Cultures differ in degree Cultures differ in degree of acceptable closeness.of acceptable closeness.

EYE CONTACTEYE CONTACT• Read story of Auchmed: Read story of Auchmed:

There were two lips and one day one of the lips realized There were two lips and one day one of the lips realized the other lip was higher than him so they argued and the other lip was higher than him so they argued and fought and didn’t work together. The person wanted to fought and didn’t work together. The person wanted to speak the words of love that his heart felt for a woman speak the words of love that his heart felt for a woman but the lips were never working together, only fighting but the lips were never working together, only fighting and he could not say the words. The heart wanted so and he could not say the words. The heart wanted so badly to express it’s love to this woman. Finally the badly to express it’s love to this woman. Finally the heart realized it was connected to the eyes. They were heart realized it was connected to the eyes. They were equal, side-by-side and wouldn’t fight. So he was able equal, side-by-side and wouldn’t fight. So he was able to express the feelings of his heart through his eyes. to express the feelings of his heart through his eyes. You can always tell what a person feels in their heart You can always tell what a person feels in their heart through their eyes, not the lips.through their eyes, not the lips.

EYE CONTACTEYE CONTACTIndicates interest, even for a Indicates interest, even for a

split second more than split second more than normal.normal.

• Flirting Flirting means eyes darting means eyes darting back & forth.back & forth.

• People in love have prolonged People in love have prolonged looks at each other.looks at each other.

• Those in conflict may avoid Those in conflict may avoid looking at each other.looking at each other.

• Avoiding eye contact shows Avoiding eye contact shows disinterest or insincere interest.disinterest or insincere interest.

TOUCH TOUCH Basic of all senses, Basic of all senses,

closest form.closest form.Signals

intimacy, emotional closeness,

sexual interest.

In sexual interactions it

takes precedence over sight (close eyes when kissing).

Body Orientation, Body Orientation, PosturePosture

Gestures:Gestures:• Tap fingersTap fingers• Lifted eyebrowLifted eyebrow• Rub nose or pull on earRub nose or pull on ear• Sweating palms, white Sweating palms, white

knucklesknuckles• Folded armsFolded arms• Swinging or crossing Swinging or crossing

legslegs• Wringing hands, Wringing hands,

kicking groundkicking ground• Steeple handsSteeple hands• Feet on deskFeet on desk

GENDER DIFFFERENCES GENDER DIFFFERENCES OF COMMUNICATINGOF COMMUNICATING

Women:Women: • Smile more more emotional, Smile more more emotional,

claim less space, more eye claim less space, more eye contact, use more qualifiers contact, use more qualifiers (don’t you think?), & (don’t you think?), & intensifiers (awfully). Wives intensifiers (awfully). Wives send clearer messages to send clearer messages to husbands, are more sensitive & husbands, are more sensitive & responsive, husbands may not responsive, husbands may not reply at all or withdraw. Usually reply at all or withdraw. Usually wives want change & husbands wives want change & husbands withdraw with the most to gain withdraw with the most to gain by doing so. But wives set the by doing so. But wives set the emotional tone in a family.emotional tone in a family.

GENDER DIFFERENCESGENDER DIFFERENCESMen:Men:

• Disclose less personal Disclose less personal infoinfo

• Safer topics like sports Safer topics like sports or workor work

• More profanity & More profanity & harsh wordsharsh words

• More dominating of More dominating of conversationconversation

• Traditional roles Traditional roles inhibit communication.inhibit communication.

COMMUNICATION COMMUNICATION GUIDELINESGUIDELINES

• DEFINITION: DEFINITION:

A two part process used to exchange A two part process used to exchange information. First the message must information. First the message must be sent…. then received… and be sent…. then received… and understood.understood.

Levels of CommunicationLevels of Communication

• Wondering, assuming Wondering, assuming and guessing what and guessing what others feel or think, others feel or think, makes disaster. makes disaster.

• In order to have In order to have meaningful relationships meaningful relationships (dates, friends, family, (dates, friends, family, employment) it is employment) it is essential to have essential to have effective effective communication. communication.

Everyone has their own way of communicating. But most of the time they clash somewhere along the way.

“We don’t communicate anymore.”“I hear you, but you don’t make any

sense.”

Communication is a complex skill Communication is a complex skill whichwhich

seems deceptively easy.seems deceptively easy.

•Do you say what you Do you say what you mean?mean?

MISPERCEPTIONSMISPERCEPTIONS

ROADBLOCKS & ROADBLOCKS & MISCOMMUNICATIONMISCOMMUNICATION

• Placaters: Agreeable, appeases others, Placaters: Agreeable, appeases others, a pleaser.a pleaser.

• Blamers: Superior. Doesn’t listen and Blamers: Superior. Doesn’t listen and tries to escape responsibilities.tries to escape responsibilities.

• Computers: Very correct and Computers: Very correct and reasonable. Logical, ignores emotions.reasonable. Logical, ignores emotions.

• Distractors: Frenetic and seldom says Distractors: Frenetic and seldom says anything relevant, changes the subject.anything relevant, changes the subject.

• InterruptingInterrupting – breaking into the conversation, – breaking into the conversation, not giving the other a chance to finish.not giving the other a chance to finish.

• EndlessEndless fightingfighting – bring up things from the – bring up things from the past & never resolving things.past & never resolving things.

• CharacterCharacter assassinationassassination – name calling, – name calling, belittling, insulting remarks.belittling, insulting remarks.

• Calling in reinforcementsCalling in reinforcements – involve outsiders – involve outsiders to support you.to support you.

• WithdrawalWithdrawal – leave, indifference, silent – leave, indifference, silent treatment.treatment.

• Need to be rightNeed to be right – refusal to admit their part – refusal to admit their part in the problem.in the problem.

Act out skit 6.3 and point out all the roadblocks they use. Act out skit 6.3 and point out all the roadblocks they use.

Likelihood of divorce due to Likelihood of divorce due to miscommunication:miscommunication:

• ContemptContempt• CriticismCriticism• DefensivenessDefensiveness• StonewallingStonewalling• BelligerenceBelligerence

Couples who communicate with affection and interest, along with maintaining humor in the mist of conflict survive better.

WHY PEOPLE DON’T WHY PEOPLE DON’T COMMUNICATECOMMUNICATE

• Ashamed or guilty of feelingsAshamed or guilty of feelings• Fearful feelings will create Fearful feelings will create

conflictconflict• Suppress unacceptable feelingsSuppress unacceptable feelings• Deny our feelings to selfDeny our feelings to self“Feelings unexpressed never die”-

Feelings are simply emotional states and need to be felt.

Show video clips “You’ve Got Mail”Show video clips “You’ve Got Mail”

GOOD COUPLE GOOD COUPLE COMMUNICATIONCOMMUNICATION

SELF-DISCLOSURESELF-DISCLOSURE• Allows mutual understanding and helps us Allows mutual understanding and helps us

discover who we are.discover who we are.• Women can self disclose easier than men usually.Women can self disclose easier than men usually.• One can feel lonely even when with someone all One can feel lonely even when with someone all

the time due to lack of self disclosure.the time due to lack of self disclosure.• ““Why is it hard to talk about feelings?”Why is it hard to talk about feelings?”• Is vital to closeness but requires trust because it Is vital to closeness but requires trust because it

makes you vulnerable.makes you vulnerable.

Which topics are difficult to talk about? Which topics are difficult to talk about?

TRUSTTRUST• Trust will develop only if Trust will develop only if

relationship is likely to relationship is likely to continue.continue.

• We need to know how a We need to know how a person will react (not hurt person will react (not hurt us).us).

• Person must have other Person must have other acceptable options available.acceptable options available.

“Can too much honesty and openness be harmful to a relationship” (happy medium)

““Which would be best?”Which would be best?”

• Remain silentRemain silent• Respond with angerRespond with anger• Remain indifferentRemain indifferent• Acknowledge partners feelings as being Acknowledge partners feelings as being

valid (rather than right or wrong) and valid (rather than right or wrong) and disclose how you feel in response.disclose how you feel in response.

FEEDBACK FEEDBACK - Necessary after self - Necessary after self disclosure. Provides constructive info disclosure. Provides constructive info about consequences of their behavior about consequences of their behavior towards you.towards you.

Constructive feedback Constructive feedback guidelines:guidelines:

• ““I” messages.I” messages.• Focus on behaviors rather than the person.Focus on behaviors rather than the person.• Focus on facts, not judgments (“You don’t really Focus on facts, not judgments (“You don’t really

care how I feel about the dishes” or “What kind of care how I feel about the dishes” or “What kind of person would leave dirty dishes all over”).person would leave dirty dishes all over”).

• Don’t exaggerate. “I Don’t exaggerate. “I alwaysalways pick up after you”. pick up after you”.• Don’t tell what to do, simply offer alternative. Don’t tell what to do, simply offer alternative.

Nobody likes to be told what to do.Nobody likes to be told what to do.• Respond the best way for you partner. Anger Respond the best way for you partner. Anger

may shut them down.may shut them down.• Don’t overload.Don’t overload.• Appropriate time and place.Appropriate time and place.

I – MESSAGESI – MESSAGES

I – messages are used during I – messages are used during those difficult times when you those difficult times when you

must assert yourself and must assert yourself and confront someone about confront someone about

his/her unacceptable his/her unacceptable behavior so that a solution to behavior so that a solution to

the problem can be the problem can be negotiated.negotiated.

I – MESSAGES allow you I – MESSAGES allow you to:to:

• Confront people in a positive way.Confront people in a positive way.• Be open, honest, and straightforward Be open, honest, and straightforward

about a person’s unacceptable behavior.about a person’s unacceptable behavior.• Avoid putting people on the defensive.Avoid putting people on the defensive.• Appeal for help in solving the problem.Appeal for help in solving the problem.• Communicate ownership of the problem.Communicate ownership of the problem.

I – MESSAGES I – MESSAGES communicate the communicate the

problemproblem““I FEEL . . . I FEEL . . . WHEN . . . WHEN . . .

BECAUSE . . .”BECAUSE . . .”

FEELING WORDSFEELING WORDSAngryAngry IrritatedIrritated AnnoyedAnnoyed OffendedOffended FrustratedFrustrated

ConfusedConfused WorriedWorried CrushedCrushed UpsetUpset DistrustfulDistrustful

UncertainUncertain HesitantHesitant PerplexedPerplexed HelplessHelpless FearfulFearful

FrightenedFrightened ApprehensiveApprehensive TerrifiedTerrified PanickyPanicky AlarmedAlarmed

ShockedShocked HorrifiedHorrified ImpatientImpatient NervousNervous AnxiousAnxious

PressuredPressured WorriedWorried DoubtfulDoubtful HesitantHesitant ScaredScared

ThreatenedThreatened TornTorn EnviousEnvious JealousJealous DistantDistant

BoredBored UnhappyUnhappy Out of sortsOut of sorts DistressedDistressed IrateIrate

YOU – MESSAGESYOU – MESSAGESYOU MESSAGES are totally YOU MESSAGES are totally

ineffective because they ineffective because they contain language that sounds contain language that sounds

abrasive, judgmental, abrasive, judgmental, condescending, or injurious condescending, or injurious

to the self-esteem of the to the self-esteem of the person confronted.person confronted.

YOU MESSAGES are YOU MESSAGES are never well received for never well received for

several reasons:several reasons:• They make people feel guiltyThey make people feel guilty• They can be interpreted as blame, put downs, They can be interpreted as blame, put downs,

criticism and rejections.criticism and rejections.• They communicate a lack of respect for others.They communicate a lack of respect for others.• They often cause reactive or retaliatory They often cause reactive or retaliatory

behavior.behavior.• They damage the recipients self-esteem.They damage the recipients self-esteem.• They cause resistance rather the openness to They cause resistance rather the openness to

change.change.• They can make a person feel hurt, the resentful.They can make a person feel hurt, the resentful.• They are often perceived as punitive.They are often perceived as punitive.

You Messages contain two You Messages contain two major obstacles that severely major obstacles that severely inhibit communication and inhibit communication and

problem solving.problem solving.

• People don’t like to be told what to do, or People don’t like to be told what to do, or what not to do. They prefer to self-what not to do. They prefer to self-initiate change when it becomes initiate change when it becomes apparent that their behavior is not apparent that their behavior is not productive for them.productive for them.

• When the finger of blame is pointed, it When the finger of blame is pointed, it communicates that they should feel communicates that they should feel guilty and awful.guilty and awful.

1. “You lazy bum! All 1. “You lazy bum! All you ever do is watch you ever do is watch football. Now take out football. Now take out the trash this minute.”the trash this minute.”2. “You kids are acting 2. “You kids are acting like wild animals!”like wild animals!”3. “You are such a slob. 3. “You are such a slob. I will never let you do a I will never let you do a project in the kitchen project in the kitchen again.”again.”

FIRST STEP TO GOOD FIRST STEP TO GOOD LISTENING IS TO “SHUT LISTENING IS TO “SHUT

UP”UP”

Read “Listen” poem.Read “Listen” poem.Read “Marziflate” and give test on listening skills.Read “Marziflate” and give test on listening skills.

ATTITUDE CHANGES ATTITUDE CHANGES ESSENTIAL FOR ACTIVE ESSENTIAL FOR ACTIVE

LISTENINGLISTENING• You must want to hear what the other person You must want to hear what the other person

has to say.has to say.• You must genuinely be able to accept the You must genuinely be able to accept the

other person’s feelings, no matter how other person’s feelings, no matter how different they are from your own. different they are from your own.

• You must view people separate from yourself, You must view people separate from yourself, with alternative ways of perceiving the world.with alternative ways of perceiving the world.

• You must trust the other person’s capacity to You must trust the other person’s capacity to handle and find solutions to his/her own handle and find solutions to his/her own problems.problems.

STEP 1 – PASSIVE STEP 1 – PASSIVE LISTENING LISTENING

• ““OH, UM, UHUH” are passive OH, UM, UHUH” are passive listening comments. listening comments.

• They are short and non-judgmental. They are short and non-judgmental. • Their only purpose is to inform the Their only purpose is to inform the

speaker that you are still listening.speaker that you are still listening.

STEP 2 – ENCOURAGER STEP 2 – ENCOURAGER QUESTIONS QUESTIONS

• ““SOMETHING SEEMS TO BE SOMETHING SEEMS TO BE BOTHERING YOU, WANT TO TALK BOTHERING YOU, WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?”ABOUT IT?”

• If someone is not verbally speaking If someone is not verbally speaking but you know something is wrong, but you know something is wrong, then ask a question to encourage then ask a question to encourage them and reassure them it is “safe” them and reassure them it is “safe” to speak.to speak.

STEP 3 – VALIDATINGSTEP 3 – VALIDATING““THAT MUST HAVE MADE YOU FEEL VERY THAT MUST HAVE MADE YOU FEEL VERY

SAD.”SAD.”““WHAT I THINK YOU MEAN TO SAY IS….”WHAT I THINK YOU MEAN TO SAY IS….”

• Acknowledges that the person’s feelings are Acknowledges that the person’s feelings are legitimate. legitimate.

• Messages are not evaluated, judged or criticized.Messages are not evaluated, judged or criticized.• Shows the speaker that his or her opinions are Shows the speaker that his or her opinions are

important and they can contribute to problem important and they can contribute to problem solving solutions.solving solutions.

STEP 4 – PROBLEM STEP 4 – PROBLEM SOLVINGSOLVING

““WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?”WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?”““WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR WHAT SOMEONE WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR WHAT SOMEONE

ELSE HAS DONE?”ELSE HAS DONE?”““HOW DO YOU THINK THAT WOULD WORK HOW DO YOU THINK THAT WOULD WORK

OUT?”OUT?”

• Help them:Help them:• Define the problemDefine the problem• Reflect on goals & valuesReflect on goals & values• Seek, weigh and select alternativesSeek, weigh and select alternatives• Take responsibility for the decisionTake responsibility for the decision

Activity Activity Listening TriadsListening Triads

1 Student talks1 Student talks1 Student listens1 Student listens

1 Student evaluates listening skills of 1 Student evaluates listening skills of listenerlistener

Possible options of what to Possible options of what to talk abouttalk about

• Fabricate a story about how you got in a wreck Fabricate a story about how you got in a wreck and got a ticket. Tells feelings about the and got a ticket. Tells feelings about the police officer, the other car, etc.police officer, the other car, etc.

• You got a new job. Tell details of the job and You got a new job. Tell details of the job and how you feel about it, the boss, co-workers.how you feel about it, the boss, co-workers.

• You broke up with a boy friend/girl friend or You broke up with a boy friend/girl friend or husband/wife. Tell why and how you felt about husband/wife. Tell why and how you felt about it.it.

• Tell how you feel about school, the homework, Tell how you feel about school, the homework, the grading, teachers, friends.the grading, teachers, friends.

• Tell how you feel about Christmas (good or Tell how you feel about Christmas (good or bad). Some memories and traditions that you bad). Some memories and traditions that you have done.have done.

Evaluation of the ListenerEvaluation of the Listener• Eye to eye contact & looks Eye to eye contact & looks

interestedinterested• Passive encouraging Passive encouraging

statementsstatements• Clarifies for understandingClarifies for understanding• Relevant questionsRelevant questions• Reflects back what they saidReflects back what they said• No interruptionsNo interruptions• Validates – never discredits Validates – never discredits

their feelingstheir feelings• Appropriate feedbackAppropriate feedback• Problem solving if necessary Problem solving if necessary

(only if asked for)(only if asked for)

Good

NeedsImprovement

MUTUAL MUTUAL AFFIRMATIONSAFFIRMATIONS

• Mutual acceptanceMutual acceptance• Liking each otherLiking each other• Express liking in words and actions Express liking in words and actions

“If you love me show me” “If you love me show me”Tell them you like them for who they are and appreciate all the little things.

PracticePractice situationssituations andand mutualmutual affirmationsaffirmations.

• If there are more If there are more negatives than negatives than positives the positives the relationship may relationship may suffer. Become suffer. Become aware and then you aware and then you can unlearn doing can unlearn doing it.it.

AVOID AVOID NEGATIVESNEGATIVES

POWERPOWER

““What can power be based What can power be based on?”on?”

• Physical strengthPhysical strength• RewardsRewards• KnowledgeKnowledge• Acceptable rolesAcceptable roles• RespectRespect• Persuasive skillsPersuasive skills• Resources (money maker)Resources (money maker)

The ability to influence another person. Usually unaware of power, it is subtle. It is not constantly exercised. Often based on personality.

“Traditionally how was power handled in

marriages?”Wife assumed husband’s name.

Husband legally responsible to provide (working women have

more power).

• Relative love & need theory:Relative love & need theory: The person gaining the most from the The person gaining the most from the relationship is the most dependent.relationship is the most dependent.

• Principal of least interest:Principal of least interest: The The partner with the least interest in partner with the least interest in continuing a relationship has the most continuing a relationship has the most power in it. “If you don’t do it my power in it. “If you don’t do it my way, I’m leaving”way, I’m leaving”

Power (continued)Power (continued)

• Women’s power is Women’s power is rooted in their role rooted in their role as nurturers and as nurturers and kinkeepers and kinkeepers and has low visibility has low visibility but they are the but they are the core of family core of family strength and strength and socialization.socialization.Power and Intimacy: Negative affect. Intimacy requires equality. Talking, understanding and negotiation help. Happy marriages are not based on coercion but caring, mutuality, and respect.

Power (continued)Power (continued)

CONFLICTCONFLICT

• The more intimate two people are the The more intimate two people are the more likely they are to have conflict. more likely they are to have conflict. The conflict is not dangerous to the The conflict is not dangerous to the relationship, but how the conflict is relationship, but how the conflict is handled is. If handled in a healthy handled is. If handled in a healthy way it can solidify the marriage.way it can solidify the marriage.

NON BASIC CONFLICTS (do not strike at heart of the marriage)BASIC CONFLICTS (do strike at heart of marriage)

AngerAngerAnger can be dealt with in Anger can be dealt with in

four ways:four ways:• Back off, learn to compromise Back off, learn to compromise

between closeness and distance to between closeness and distance to avoid conflict. Learn what is safe avoid conflict. Learn what is safe and what is not.and what is not.

• Suppressing it, let it simmer Suppressing it, let it simmer beneath surface. Causes beneath surface. Causes resentment, and low level hostility.resentment, and low level hostility.

• Escalate into violence.Escalate into violence.• Recognize it as a symptom of Recognize it as a symptom of

something that needs to be something that needs to be changed. Do not vent or suppress changed. Do not vent or suppress it but find the source and it but find the source and eliminate it.eliminate it.

Happily married couples:Happily married couples:

• SummarizeSummarize• ParaphrasingParaphrasing• ValidatingValidating• ClarificationClarification

““The only way to speak the truth is to speak lovingly” – The only way to speak the truth is to speak lovingly” – discuss in groups. discuss in groups.

The object of marriage = peaceful coexistence

1.Agreement as a gift (without resentment)

2.Bargaining – compromise (the best deal for both)

3.Coexistence – Agree (to disagree & live with it)

Unhappily married Unhappily married couples:couples:

• ConfrontConfront• DefensivenessDefensiveness• ComplainComplain• Give inGive in

Covey = Seek 1st to understand before seeking to be understood.

Read script from curriculum Read script from curriculum

Chapter 6 VocabularyChapter 6 Vocabulary• Family rules: A families patterned or Family rules: A families patterned or

characteristic response to events, situations, characteristic response to events, situations, or persons (passing food at the table).or persons (passing food at the table).

• Feedback: In communication, messages Feedback: In communication, messages produce a result.produce a result.

• Hierarchy of Rules: Ranking of family rules. Hierarchy of Rules: Ranking of family rules. Family rules are most important, then Family rules are most important, then individual rules.individual rules.

• Honeymoon effect: Tendency of newly Honeymoon effect: Tendency of newly married couples to overlook problems.married couples to overlook problems.

• Meta-rules: An abstract, general, Meta-rules: An abstract, general, unarticulated rule at the top of the hierarchy unarticulated rule at the top of the hierarchy upon which other rules are based.upon which other rules are based.

Vocabulary continuedVocabulary continued• Power: The ability to exert ones will, influence or Power: The ability to exert ones will, influence or

control over another person or group.control over another person or group.• Principal of least interest: The person less Principal of least interest: The person less

interested in sustaining a relationship has the interested in sustaining a relationship has the greater power.greater power.

• Proximity: Nearness to another in terms of both Proximity: Nearness to another in terms of both physical space and time.physical space and time.

• Relative love and need theory: The person gaining Relative love and need theory: The person gaining the most from the relationship is the most the most from the relationship is the most dependent.dependent.

• Rules: Patterned or characteristic responses.Rules: Patterned or characteristic responses.• Self disclosure: A revelation of deeply personal Self disclosure: A revelation of deeply personal

information about oneself to another.information about oneself to another.• Trust: Belief in reliability and integrity of another.Trust: Belief in reliability and integrity of another.