BUT GOD …

a journey

by Carla Engel Ludwig

“But God” is the story of the

journey God led Carla Ludwig on

after she found out her daughter

was going to be a single mom.

Despite her objections, God

pursued Carla with His heart for

single moms and His desire to

share His heart with the world

through the story of one single

mom, her daughter, and the

challenges she faced.

It is a story affirming all of life’s

circumstances are allowed by God

and are turned to good, no matter

how they look to us at the time. Is

that hard to believe?

¬Then, join the journey.

© 2018 Carla Engel Ludwig.

All rights reserved.

ISBN 978-1-387-61349-6

Unless otherwise noted, all Biblical quotes are from

THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. Other Bible quotes are from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD VERSION®, NASB®. All rights reserved worldwide.

https://www.biblegateway.com/versions/New-

International-Version-NIV-Bible/

Cover Photo by Tiberius Images, Grand Rapids, MI

Author Photo by Pieced Together Photography,

Mt. Sterling, KY

BOOK REVIEWS

“But God…a journey” is a must read for anyone who has

questioned the goodness of God or the meaning of life, no

matter what life has looked like for you. It is Carla’s journey

from anger and disbelief about her circumstances to, not

only accepting, but embracing what life has handed her. It

is also the journey about her doubting the goodness of

God to an increased realization about the enormity of His

love for her, for all of us. Through her journey, she has a

greater understanding of God’s heart.

We can choose to let life make us bitter, or we can

choose, like Carla did, to see a need others have and

address that need so they can succeed in life. Even if

you’re not a single mom, or the mom of a single mom, you

will relate to Carla’s journey because it is the journey of life

we all travel. Carol Everett, Heidi Group, Dallas, TX

Carla has walked a path that none of us would choose for

our daughter and by sharing her experience in a

transparent way in her book "But God...a Journey" she

takes us by the hand and leads us to a place where we

can more fully comprehend the heart of Christ through

scripture.

We share in her heartbreak, forgiveness, joy and ultimate

revelation that God will use our experiences for so much

more than we ever dream. Carla compels us to search our

hearts for what we can do to make a difference in the life

of a young mother and her child. But God… takes you by

the hand and never let’s go.

Christine Reyes, CPC of Greater Phoenix

“Mom, I’m pregnant,” are perhaps the most feared words

a parent can hear from their teenage daughter.

But God… is a candid look into the heart-felt journey of a

pro-life, Christian mother who never dreamed she’d be

asked to walk this path. In her journal-like, prayer-like

account Carla Ludwig escorts the reader to the peaks and

valleys of traveling the pro-life road when the unplanned

pregnancy comes home. But, in the midst of this weighty

“interruption”, God was growing more than a baby; He

was also birthing a ministry! Jim Sprague,

Pregnancy Resource Center, Grand Rapids, MI

Carla Ludwig’s life was moving along at a hectic but good

pace. And why wouldn’t it be hectic when you’re a wife, a

dedicated mother of six children, and a woman deeply

engaged in prolife ministry! When Carla received the news

her youngest daughter was pregnant, her life took on new

challenges, questions and began a journey with her

heavenly Father.

Carla shares her story in her book, “But God” by asking

why, and how are we going to make sense of all this?

Carla shares that, in the end, all life’s circumstances are

allowed by God and are turned to good, no matter how

they look to us at the time.

Carla’s journey begins with news that brings shock, disbelief

and struggles. But in the end, she comes to a place of

deeper trust in the Lord as a result. “But God” is a good

read for anyone going through hard circumstances and

looking for solid ground on which to stand. As Carla says,

“join my journey.” Tom Lothamer,

Life Matters Worldwide, Grand Rapids, MI

DEDICATION

This book is written for mothers everywhere,

who all want the best for their children,

and to glorify our heavenly Father,

who lavishes us with love.

Thank you, Christina, for letting me share your story,

our story, God’s story, with the world.

A special thanks to my husband, John, as we travel this

crazy life together and for his support in my endeavors.

My appreciation to the West Michigan nonprofits with

whom I’ve served and from whom I’ve learned so much.

And lastly, thank you to those who have asked the tough

questions and encouraged me throughout my journey to

develop Hope for Single Moms, formerly Chia and Friends.

A special thank you to my lifelong best friend, Kathleen

Moroschan, who patiently and prayerfully edited my

manuscript multiple times because yes, Kathleen, I rewrote

everything...again...and again.

Thank you to my heavenly Father Who never fails me, no

matter how tough it looks at the time.

From https://www.pinterest.com/pin/365565694725495300/

Psalm 30:11-12:

“You turned my wailing into dancing;

you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.

Lord my God, I will praise you forever.”

Table of Contents

Introduction 11

Chapter 1 – The Struggle 13

Chapter 2 – The Window 25

Chapter 3 – Under a Looking Glass 37

Chapter 4 – The Battle Intensifies 55

Chapter 5 – The Big Day 65

Chapter 6 -- The Second Nine Months 77

Chapter 7 – The Adventure Begins 89

Chapter 8 – Mini Crises Abound 103

Chapter 9 -- Parenting 101 117

Chapter 10 – The Second Big Day 129

Chapter 11 – Love Makes the World Go ‘Round 144

Epilogue 153

The Complete Gospel 161

Exchanged Life 168

Two Sides of the Cross 169

Recommended books 182

Footnotes 183

Author Bio 185

Free stock photo

INTRODUCTION

“Mom, will you come here? I need to tell you something."

Because I was busy downstairs, my first thought was,

“Why don’t you come here?” But I went upstairs anyway.

My daughter and her boyfriend were sitting on the bed.

She looked at me and said,

“Mom, I’m in a little trouble. I’m pregnant!”

Since my daughter likes to joke around, I looked at her,

then at her boyfriend, and then back at her,

waiting for the punchline, for the grin. It never came!

As you can imagine, a million thoughts were swirling

through my head.

Despite the whirlwind going on inside me, I managed to

say, “Well, I guess we should tell your dad.”

We went downstairs and shared the news.

Later that day, I was talking to God and sharing my

struggles. I was concerned for my daughter’s and my

unborn grandchild's future.

I immediately blamed myself.

"Did I not love her well enough?”

I proceeded to list all the extra things I had done for my

daughter to prove to myself I was a good mother.

"BUT GOD, this is so unfair!"

God answered, “Look at what I’ve done for you!

I gave My life for you, and you still choose to go your own

way at times. And I’m a really good Father!"

And so, the journey began.

Free stock photo

Chapter 1- The Struggle

John 14:1:

”Do not let your hearts be troubled…”

What is wrong with me!?

Why can’t I get over these feelings of despair and

hopelessness!?

I’m not the first mom to find out her unmarried daughter is

pregnant,

and I’m pretty sure I won’t be the last!!

“WHAT. IS. MY. PROBLEM?”

“Do I really believe every baby is a gift from God? Yes,

but…

But, what?

If I believe that, then why do I feel this way?

I do believe it! Sooo…

what is the problem?”

The problem is that part of me,

deep,

deep down in my soul,

is not 100% convinced that God is 100% good!

So, I’m doubting the goodness of this situation,

of this pregnancy.

I do want to believe God is 100% good,

with my whole heart.

I really do.

But…I don’t!

I don’t believe this baby is a good thing for my daughter

right now!

I want what’s best for her!

In my head, I know God does too!

But, my heart doesn’t agree with my head.

This can’t be good, can it? She’s too young!

Does He really care?

Does God really want what’s best for her?

I’m just not sure.

If it was up to me, I would do it different!

If it was up to me, I would do better than God!

I don’t believe the timing of this baby is in the best interest

of my daughter or my family.

In fact, I believe just the opposite.

Already the tension is increasing—

between my husband and me,

between my husband and my daughter,

but not between her and me.

Just an ache within me

and a longing for it to all go away.

But I know it won’t. That’s the hard part.

Let’s look at the facts.

My daughter is eighteen and has just finished her freshman

year of college.

And the father! He’s 25 and living at home–-

with no training in any skilled labor.

I am angry!

Certainly not a great foundation to start a family!

Personally offended!

How could this happen to me!?

“Do I deserve this!?”

Why am I making this about me?

I feel entitled to...what?

A smooth life because...well, I’ve worked hard at

parenting, and I deserve it!

And I want more for my daughter than the difficulties I

envision for her.

I’ve raised six children. I know parenting isn’t easy.

How is she going to do this?

I see the tough road ahead of her, and I want to protect

her. As her mom, I want an easier life for her.

This is going to be hard…really hard.

And I’m scared for her!

But is that all of it? Or, is some of it about me?

Yes, I think some of it is about me.

Why?

Because deep down inside,

what I don't say, but I unconsciously think,

is that this is a reflection on me as a parent!

There’s still a stigma attached to being a single mother,

especially in the church.

I’ve seen it with other people. It will happen to me. People

will be judging me, saying I wasn’t a good parent.

It will happen to her.

People will be judging her, too.

I don’t tell anyone about “it”—the pregnancy.

I can’t tell my friends because I’m afraid they’ll judge me,

judge my parenting.

I want their approval.

Is that what this is really about!? People’s approval?

Yes, I think it is!

And it’s been the struggle through the years,

through my whole life, I think,

of searching for love and acceptance,

of looking for significance in what other people think about

me,

never sure I measure up to their standard for me,

to the person or the identity they created for me—

or the one I created for myself!

I spend my life doing –

doing what I think people want me to do –

and worrying—

and wondering—wondering, if it’s enough!

Does everyone do that?

Does everyone worry about what other people think about

them?

When did it start?

It began in high school, I think, maybe before.

I can rattle off a list of accomplishments—

Student Council secretary, then Vice President,

President of the French Club,

Varsity tennis, ballet, swim team, piano lessons and awards

at the Michigan Music Association competition.

And let’s not forget academic achievement!

In high school, I graduated number eighteen out of a class

of 474.

I got scholarships—

one from the Daughters of the American Revolution,

another one from the local Lion’s Club--as first runner-up in

their pageant!

I had to do it all…and do it well.

And getting into the University of Michigan! I did that, too!

Why? because it was the best!

Then, the University of Michigan Dental School—

Of course, Number One at the time!

And the list goes on!

I took my identity from these things and said,

“This is who I am!” -- scholar, leader, athlete, musician,

dentist, wife, mother, teacher.

These are the titles I lived for,

the titles that became the controlling gods of my life,

saving me from anonymity!

Will these give me the love and acceptance I am looking

for?

I think they will; I’m hoping they will!

Really, though, all these things are gifts from God;

they shouldn’t be my gods.

They’re not who I am.

I am God’s daughter, but I don’t live like it.

I’m not aware of what that means --yet.

My doing continued even after having six children in eight

years, if that wasn’t accomplishment enough.

And then, I homeschooled them!

I compared myself to those in the homeschooling

magazines and fell short.

We didn’t get up at 6 a.m., do chores and start school at 8

a.m.

I didn’t make their clothes;

I didn’t grow my own food in our garden.

We did school in pajamas and got groceries at Meijer.

School started when they got up and got going.

No set schedules.

Oh! And my kids weren’t going to “suffer” because they

were one of six. They were going to get to do it all, too.

I was determined to give them the same opportunities to

reach their “full potential,” as if they had been one of two

children.

I didn’t realize there were benefits to being one of six.

I would be supermom, sacrificing it all—

my time, my marriage, my sanity—for them.

Instead of peace, I brought chaos into their lives.

Running here, running there, always running.

I tried to do it all! And be the best!

I was driven, out of control, and I didn’t even realize it.

For what?!?

I was on a performance treadmill,

a hamster wheel of running and working,

working and running!

And I put my kids on the same performance treadmill! Was

I getting anywhere? Would they? Is it ever enough?

I was always looking for a better way of living in this world,

better than I was currently doing,

better than what was currently happening to me.

I was looking for happiness here on earth—

from people and their responses to me and to what I do.

Their opinions mattered.

They determined if I had a good day or a bad day!

I was always comparing myself to others,

to other achievers, and always falling short.

There’s always someone who can do something better! As

soon as I thought I achieved something,

that good feeling didn’t last long before it was gone,

and I felt I needed to do more,

to go on to the next thing…

and then, the next thing.

I wonder, does everyone feel this way?

Is everyone on a constant search for more?

never totally fulfilled?

Do you, like me, feel like you need to do more?

Do you, like me, worry about what people think about

you?

My struggle is between how I think my life should look, how I

want my life to look,

and how it actually turns out.

The struggle is within me—

me holding on to some worldly identity,

some worldly god,

some thing I think gives me significance—

but then realizing it doesn’t give me the satisfaction,

the status,

the completeness I’m looking for.

Titles, achievements and awards last for a while;

and then…the emptiness returns.

My thoughts about the futility of life return.

Do I ever feel at peace?

Do I ever feel like I have finally arrived or achieved

success?

Without a spiritual component to my doing,

without God’s leading in my doing,

there is no peace.

What defines success to me? I’m not sure I know.

Just something I’m trying to achieve, an undefined goal.

Will I ever achieve success?

Or, is it always unreachable, some intangible?

I am using people’s accolades, my awards,

to define success for me,

at least for the moment.

But then, there’s the next moment.

If I say or do something wrong, does that change how you

feel about me? It might.

I think it does. I’m pretty sure it does.

There is no lasting peace, no rest.

Why? Because I can’t control your response;

I don’t know your response,

and it creates uncertainty and fear in me.

I don’t know what I need to do to get your approval.

This is that next moment. The one that I can’t control.

I can’t control your response to me. Are you judging me? I

am afraid you might not like me anymore,

that you may not want to be my friend.

Do I do that to other people?

Am I doing that with my daughter?

Do I do that with God?

I did just do that when I told Him I deserve my kid’s success

for doing a good job as a parent.

Do I set standards for myself to get God’s approval?

I’m pretty sure I do. I have set standards about what I think I

need to do to get God to love me.

I don’t know if I love me. So how can God love me?

I don’t see this pregnancy as a gift from God.

In fact, I wallow in self-pity!

I reflect… I chose parenting over a career as a dentist.

I gave parenting my all!

I gave up my life as I envisioned it, my dreams,

so, I could give them theirs.

I think life should look different for her,

and for me,

then it does at this moment!

She should achieve her dream of being a film producer.

Or, is it really her dream?

Perhaps she is getting part of her dream.

She wants to be a mom,

a stay-at-home mom

and have lots of children.

I don’t think, “Wow! I did something right!

She wants to do what I do!”

I don’t think, “Wow! She came to me right away and told

me she is pregnant. We must have a pretty great

relationship!”

No, I listen to the voice in my head saying, “Failure!

You have failed again!”

I think, “What comes next?”

“How do I respond?”

“What is the best way to handle this?”

I ask myself for what seems like the thousandth time,

“Why am I struggling so?!

It’s a pregnancy, a baby, a miracle from God.

It’s not a terminal illness, an accidental overdose,

an accident, or that my child died.

Or, is it?”

My ideal for my child died.

It is the death of my dreams for my daughter.

Not necessarily her dream!

Not necessarily God’s dream!

It is my dream of what her life could have, or should have,

looked like, according to me!

And now, that dream has to change.

I look at the five stages of grief after a death1.

Stage 1: Denial and Isolation. That sounds about right.

I can’t believe this is happening,

have not come to terms with it;

and until I do, I isolate myself from all who care about me.

I am too insecure to open up to those who should love me

the way I am,

to expose my raw, aching heart because I am afraid of

what they will think about me, about my daughter.

They say jealousy is a green monster,

but I am pretty sure pride is the monster to watch out for,

more insidious, more debilitating than jealousy.

I have too much pride to let people see me struggle…

and possibly fail.

The second stage of grief is anger.

My emotional pain is intense.

The curse from The Fall brought women pain in childbirth.

But there’s more to it than that. It’s pain in childrearing,

for eighteen years, maybe forever.

Suffering, when they suffer; hurting, when they hurt.

Wanting to make it all better for them,

like kissing booboos when they were little.

But older children have bigger booboos.

I know about letting them fall when they are learning to

walk. If they never fall, they never gain core strength and

learn balance.

We keep them from disaster and serious injury,

but we must let them fall.

We must let them learn about life and God and His

goodness.

And there it is again! Do I really believe God is 100% good?

I direct my anger toward God. I blame Him.

This isn’t in her best interest in my opinion …or the baby’s.

I think I know better than God.

Satan is called the Great Accuser and with good reason.

I continue to listen to his voice in my head telling me this is

a bad thing.

“This isn’t good for her! God isn’t on her side.”

I go into the third stage of grief, the bargaining stage. Can I

make a deal with God?

Can I change the situation?

No, I don’t believe in abortion.

I really have nothing to bargain with,

nothing to offer God,

even though I’ve tried many times before.

No one is born with a perfect child.

When Adam and Eve disobeyed God,

known as The Fall,

they became separated from God and a world on its own

plan began,

a world no longer perfect,

made up of people no longer in a perfect, loving

relationship with their heavenly Father.

Yet, when that newborn baby arrives, the sky is the limit in

the dreams we have for him or her.

As that child grows and life progresses, we realize our son or

daughter may have limitations,

may not achieve your dream for him or her.

But it is a gradual realization,

a realization occurring over time.

We have time to adjust our dream.

And so, we do, we adjust our dreams for them.

But an unplanned pregnancy does not occur over time.

Rather, it is an abrupt end to my daughter’s dream of

becoming a film producer

and me supporting that dream.

As her mom, her dreams are my dreams.

That is the pain of the curse.

I want all my children to achieve their dreams.

BUT GOD, I’m not sure about you or any of this.

If you’ve enjoyed Chapter One, please click on the link to

buy the rest of the book.

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e-book http://bit.ly/2JIR94B