BASTARDTHE T H E M O S T T RU S T E D S O U R C E O F R E A L N E W S

MARCH 31, 2017

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THETA DELT MOVE ANGERS WABASH GODSPICHAEL ADAMS ‘19 | STAFF

WRITER • Strange happenings have been afoot this year at Wabash College and in Crawfordsville. The student body has suffered several almost supernatural losses this school year. From the loss of the beloved Monon Bell to the loss of the beloved Sir Jonathon R. Provolone’s Pizzeria, the community is clamoring for answers. Even the campus’s vigilant protector, Gossip Squirrel, is nowhere to be found. It is uncertain whether or not the chaos will stop, nor is it certain that a solution can be reached anytime soon. This reporter decided to do some digging and to finally get to the bottom of these mysterious occurrences.

I pinned down a rough estimate as to what might be triggering these events. The chaos began sometime last fall; however, there were no significant cosmic or meteorological episodes that would have triggered such a supernatural reaction. I followed up this hunch by investigating the earthly chakras surrounding campus. The layout of the campus is meticulously laid out, and it seems that last year’s attempt to summon a portal to hell with the new student housing proved fruitless. With most construction done, there seemed to be no likely source of geographical disturbances until an advertisement in this very paper gave me the hint I needed.

The Theta Delta Chi fraternity recently moved from their sacredly squalid mansion into a campus-owned dormitory. Such a shift in fraternal shenanigans would most certainly throw the campus ground chakras out of line.

The dates also matched perfectly. It seems that the relocation of Theta Delta Chi was the event that started this chain reaction.

Since the move, many contrarian events have occurred. As stated above, the once honorable Sir Jonathon R. Provolone suddenly found himself laundering money for a major DVD pirating cartel. His illicit acts lead to the

permanent closure of Sir Jonathon R. Provolone’s Pizzeria. After seven years in its rightful home, the sacred Monon Bell was lost to our rivals down south. The formerly honest officials helped rig the game against our beloved football team.

More recently, your student senate has abandoned their fun and fruitful ways in favor of fervent frivolity for

farcical features. Upwards of a $1 billion was spent on the senate retreat, and most of the reported receipts were from bars and liquor stores. The remaining 85% of the apparently endless budget went to funding national act; the headliner of the event is reportedly an up-and-coming rapper from President of the Student Body Quack Sellerman’s hometown. The senate’s spending is likely to continue to spiral out of control, alongside numerous other aspects of Wabash life.

I talked to Ike Skaters, Dean of the College and self-proclaimed master of the occult, to try and find a solution for the constant chaos on campus.

“Theta Delt’s movement across campus has effectively angered the Wabash Gods by upsetting the natural balance and fung shwe of the campus,” Skaters said. “The God of Speech Northwoods Bridgance is most angered by this shift. Northwoods Bridgance is a particularly fickle god because his name is often misspelled.”

Amid his explanation of the Speech God, Skaters offered one solution: “A lone Theta Delt pledge must uproot a tree from beside the TKE house,” Skaters said. “After that he must bring the tree carcass to the steps of the chapel, where it will be soaked in a thirty rack of the cheapest beer, and then set ablaze at dawn. Only then will Northwoods Bridgance be appeased.” The Theta Delta Chi fraternity is considering this among their options, but is seeking a solution that does not lead to a loss of beer.

LEVI GARRISON ‘18 / PHOTO

Ever since the deans moved Theta Delt from their luxurious mansion on Washington Street, the Wabash Gods have plagued the campus with numerous punishments.

A GUIDE FOR NEXT SEMESTER’S CLASSESKENT MCPHAIL ‘19 | STAFF WRITER •PSC-327: Politics of a DictatorshipEver wondered how the greatest governments are ran? In this course, we will study

multiple dictatorships and the politics of these governments. We will look at the early governments of the great Julius Caesar to the fantastic Muammar Gaddafi. As part of the course, students will spend Thanksgiving (and the rest of their lives) in Pyongyang, North Korea. Please apply by emailing Prof. Michael Smells.

THE-231 History of Adult FilmsIn this course, we will indulge in the great X-rated movies in the history of man-

kind. From Marilyn Monroe to Mia Khalifa, this course aims to increase the knowl-edge about production and filming of these independent movies. Student reviews have complained about forearm pain while performing research, but well worth daily studying. Email Prof. Jim Blueberry about any questions.

CHE-103 Science of NarcoticsInspired by the work of Brian Cranston and El Chapo, this course teaches students

how to create those popular pharmaceuticals as seen on TV. From Sudafed to THC, the class aims to create these compounds for “educational” purposes only. Classes will meet in the “greenhouse” everyday from 4:19 to 4:21 p.m. Students are encour-aged to bring their own snacks. Talk to Prof. Lisa Wasabi about any questions about the course.

CSC-101/PSC 101 How to Win the U.S. ElectionEver wanted to lead the United States of America? This course teaches students

how to properly use computer science to win the United States election. While some state this to be a “fake class,” this class is considered a yuuuuuuge help to their politi-cal careers. In addition, past students have interacted with Russian citizens to help with their final project. Prof. Kathryn Streets will be teaching this course.

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BASTARD

EXECUTIVE ORDER 1832I, President Jack William Kellerman, order the Bachelor

and its editorial staff to immediately cease and desist its publication. This order comes from the surfacing of its continual coverage of “fake news” which plagues this great College.

1. Purpose. To Make Wabash Great Again. In order to Make Wabash Great Again, we need an unbiased media that allows for the President (of the Student Body) to do and whatever he pleases. This College does not need alternative facts and fake news stopping our great leader.

2. Findings. Their unfounded allegations regarding the current Wabash College Student Body administration are very “SAD.” Rather, they should be focusing on my “very good brain.” The current administration has had no incidents of embezzlement. The reasoning, as speculated from a well-trained eye, for the Bachelor running such a libelous “Hi-Five” stems from their lack of creativity and things to report on.

3. Policy. The Bachelor will be suspended from releasing a newspaper for the next six days after the latest publication. In the meantime, each proud Wally is asked to do his part to do something memorable in order to give the Bachelor’s Editorial Staff something to write about to stimulate what little creativity they may (or may not) have.

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BASTARD

BASTARD301 W. Wabco Ave., Crawfordsville, IN, 47933

EDITOR-IN-CHIEFPaul Dickensheets • pdiky17@wabco.eduMISMANAGMENT EDITORHeath Cockburn • hocokbur17@wabco.eduBASTARD EDITORWillie Stroker • wbstroker18@wabco.eduNEWS EDITORBean Johnson • bljohnson18@wabco.eduOP ONION EDITORAha Moment • agmoment19@wabco.eduSPORTS EDITORBuck Dixoncider • bvdixoncid@wabco.eduPHOTO EDITORRichard Peck • rdpeck18@wabco.eduCOPY EDITORKen Wage • kfwage17@wabco.eduBACHELOR ADVISORHELP WANTED • no salary, no benefits, high stress;

please send applications to Editor Dickensheets

The purpose of The Bastard is to serve the whims of its staff and produce the highest quality information possible. This includes, but is not limited to dragging administrators, faculty, staff, parents, alumni, community members and most importantly, the students, through the mud. Because this is a “school” paper, the content and character within will cater to the student body’s debauched interests, demented ideas, and dilatory issues. Further, this publication will serve as a medium and forum for student opinions and ideas to contact the great beyond.

Although a dictatorial newspaper, the Board of Publications shamefully publishes The Bastard. The Bastard and BOP receive the funding they embezzele from the Wabco Student Senate, which derives its funds from mercilous taxation of the members of the Wabco student body.

Letters to the editor are welcomed and encouraged. They must be sent by standard carrier pigeon in scroll format, tied up with a severed mouse tail. Letters will only be published if they include the name, phone, or e-mail of the person who is dissenting (for accurate return of abuse) and are not longer than 3 words.

The Bastard reserves the right to edit letters for content, typographical errors, and length. All letters received become property of this publication for the purposes of reprinting and/or redistribution. If a letter does not appear to be the same one that was submitted, don’t worry. It’s probably because the submitter failed to acurately get across how excellent our publication is. Profanity must appear in the publication, but will be ommitted in cases of direct quote unless profanity is necessary to the content of the story. Please do not confuse profanity with obscenity. We want both. No article or picture of an obscene nature will appear in this publication.

The Bastard is printed every year around April 1. It freely enlightens all students, faculty, and staff at Wabco of the stories they should be paying attention to.

PHI DELT HOUSE DIAGNOSED WITH LUNG CANCERHERBY WACHS ‘18 | STAFF

WRITER • CRAWFORDSVILLE- Local fraternity house, Phi Delta Theta, has been recently diagnosed with lung cancer from second hand smoke inhalation. According to tests run Monday by Dr. Reggie, the house has little time left.

“Not to be blunt, but according to my projections, I believe the house’s final blow and untimely demise will come on the 20th of April,” the honorable doctor said.

Brothers at Phi Delt are currently in distress about the situation. Some are even attempting to quit bad habits in order to help the house.

“You know, everyone warns you about the harmful effects of producing dope clouds, but it doesn’t hit you until someone close is affected like this,” Paul Mall ‘19 said. “I’m willing to quit my nasty habits if it means saving our beloved frat house.”

Although some PDT brothers are shocked by the grim news, members of the school maintenance staff are not

surprised to hear of the house’s ailing health, “Doesn’t surprise me much,” Inspector Kief said. “It’s awfully dank in there.” In an effort to keep the memory of the fraternity house burning

brightly in our hearts, the college is setting aside funding for a new pharmacy to be constructed in the house’s place after the burial. Hopefully other houses do not succumb to a fate like PDT’s.

LEVI GARRISON ‘18 / PHOTO

President of Phi Delta Theta, James B. Ong ‘20, has stated that the fraternity will be holding a eulogy as soon as the house passes.

DAVID SHEEP ‘20 | STAFF WRITER • Big Brother is not very brotherly. According to documents leaked by “wenevershouldhaveaskedwally.com,” the college’s whistleblower page, Wabash’s administration has been caught operating a vast surveillance network. From students to professors, and trustees to townies, the espionage network has penetrated every aspect of life on campus.

Think that drone used to film Chapel Sing is a harmless social media tool? Nope. Leaked records show that the college has procured dozens of them and has received permits from the city of Crawfordsville to operate them at all hours. Several theater majors have disappeared after being spotted tagging college property with “#art.”

What about those Campus Services vans? You may think that they’re archaic vehicles driven by genial men. Wrong. Each one is equipped with microwave eavesdropping devices capable of hearing normal conversations through walls a

foot thick. Whistleblowers have reportedly witnessed several deans personally operating the devices.

“I was inside my room having a FaceTime argument with my girlfriend,” one student said. “When I saw Dean Mott outside 15 minutes later, he told me that constant romantic berating made for an unhealthy relationship.”

Now, while no student can speak or move on campus without being recorded, the amount of scrutiny by Big Brother varies.

Members of the student senate, who have failed to question the installation of cameras in the Goodrich room, appear to be the center of the administration’s espionage scheme. And, some are responding to the privacy intrusion more severely than others.

The President of the Student Body hasn’t been seen in class in the week since moles within the Center Hall made this scandal public. After some searching, The Bastard reporters located him in the basement of the armory living inside of a cage. He refused to leave the electronic wave-

blocking capsule, stating that he could feel the microphones recording his thoughts. It is important to note that microphone bugs were found in the president’s microwave, dresser, and backpack.

Other students are taking action to confuse the administration’s electronic senses by wearing identical grey jumpsuits and attaching bells to their shoes to drown out talking.

Also drowned is the academic libido of students. In classrooms across campus, the liberal arts are dead because the fear of administrative monitoring has silenced any vocalization of ideas. Not even campus-wide email chains are safe.

Resistance to educational authoritarianism is impossible, and the only privacy and freedom will we possess is the five inches between our ears. There is no more autonomy, the omnipotent deans make our decisions, and know when we disobey. The gentleman’s rule is now the gentlemens’ rule.

WIRETAPPING ON CAMPUS?

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BASTARDPORTALLING TO A BETTER NATIONAL ACT

JAN MICHAEL VINCENT ‘18 | STAFF WRITER • Imagine a machine that can transport you to an endless number of different dimensions that hold endless possibilities. This is what Wabash student Rick Sanchez ‘17 is working on for his senior capstone project in Theoretical Physics 497. Sanchez is known on campus as the regular wiz kid with a big social reputation; he has over 20 patents in the physics field. Inventions like his interdimensional cable box, which allows users to access TV channels from numerous dimensions, have made Sanchez a familiar face on campus. Although many of Sanchez’s inventions have gained national attention and has wowed most of Wabash’s campus, Sanchez’s classmate Sylvester Squanchy ‘18 describes his portal gun as “his best invention yet.”

Sanchez said that his invention is still unfinished, but he decided to do a test run on the machine last Saturday. In this test run, Sanchez decided to a visit a dimension with the most stable connection to our own.

“After the transport, I arrived on a Wabash campus similar to our own, yet the campus seemed much larger with approximately 10,000 students give or take,” Sanchez said. “What was funny about the experience, though, was that I arrived on the day they were having their national act.”

Apparently while on this academic experiment, Sanchez decided that it would benefit his research if he attended said national act; fortunately, his Wabash ID card still worked in this dimension. The national act, described by Sanchez, was much bigger and extravagant than our own due to the larger student body.

“What surprised me the most was the names they had on the setlist,” Sanchez said. “I was excited, amazed, scared, and confused at the same time. The opening of the event started off with a playing of the national anthem by Jimi Hendrix.”

Sanchez explained that Hendrix was still alive in this dimension, yet due to his drug use early in his career, he suffered from dementia, which diminished his

music ability severely. Hendrix was touring at the time, but due to his mental state, he could only play the national anthem before other musical performances.

After the opening act, the one and only Childish Gambio performed in front of a hysterical Wabash crowd. The performance included some music from his most current album Awaken My Love, but also some interesting renditions of songs like Vanessa Carlton’s “A Thousand Miles” and Creed’s “With Arms Wide Open.”

Sanchez described the show as, “An amazing performance, with some really weird twists. Childish was very similar to our own dimension’s, but he was more experimental, almost to the point where it made me feel kinda gross and violated.”

By Sanchez’s description, the concert sounded like one that all Wabash students would want to attend, but one aspect of the show seemed extremely out of place: after the two-hour performance by Childish Gambino, a similar but surprising face approached the stage.

“I couldn’t really see who was approaching the mic because it was dark, but when I heard the voice, I couldn’t believe my ears,” Sanchez said.

As the stage was lighted up, Sanchez explained that he saw Guy Fieri singing to the crowd. Fieri is known as a TV celebrity and a famous food critic in our dimension, but in this dimension, he was known as the top scat performer in the world. As Fieri began singing, Sanchez said that the atmosphere of the gym completely changed when Fieri took the stage.

“I thought that Childish

Gambino was the headliner, but when Guy Fieri walked on stage, the crowd began to scream and cry his name out,” Sanchez said. “At first I was skeptical, but when he began scatting, it was like my ears were being caressed by delicate angels with spiked bleached hair.”

Sanchez said that after Fieri’s performance, he was unable to explore more of the dimension due to the state Fieri’s scatting skills put him in.

On his return back to campus, Sanchez said that recently, he has been unable to continue work on his portal gun due to overwhelming experiene he underwent during the machine’s test run. But Sanchez and his professors admitted that the test was a success, and they plan to continue working with with the machine for Sanchez’s capstone project. Word has gotten out about his alternate-dimensional national act experience, and it has created a stir among students on campus, as well as cause a number of letters being written out to Guy Fieri, telling him to try scat out.

PHOTO COURTESY OF FOOD NETWORK

In an alternate dimension, national act is actually good, and Guy Fieri is known as the world’s best jazz scatt artist.

“I was excited, amazed, scared, and confused at the same time .”

RICK SANCHEZ

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