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BASTARD CHILDREN OF ARGO

filks of or about "Banned from Argo" — plus the original —

each with a comment by Leslie Fish

A Random Factors Production RF-2001

Synergy Press (Lee Gold)

Editors: John & Mary Creasey Project Leader: Lee Gold Typesetter: Michael Liebmann Proofreaders: John & Mary Creasey, Michael Liebmann, Barry Gold Cover art: Don Simpson Scoring: Mary Creasey

This is a collection of works of parody and satire. No intent exists to infringe upon rights held by Paramount Pictures Corporation, the Gene Roddenberry estate, or anyone else. "Star Trek"TM is a trademark of Paramount Pictures Corporation.

"Banned From Argo" was originally released in 1977 on Solar Sailors, a production of The Bandersnatchi Press, Inc., and is 1977 by Leslie Fish; copyright assigned to Random Factors.

Bastard Children of Argo is published by Random Factors and is 2001. All songs © by their respective authors, to whom rights revert on publication. All other rights reserved.

Alphabetical Index of Songs by Title

Absolutely the Last Remake of Banned from Pennsic (Webb) 39 "Fuel to Feed the Drive" 6 Banned from Russia 42

ati-Argo (Blackeagle) 69 Banned from Seagirt 44-45 Anti-Argo (Moursund) 20 Banned from Sturgis 43 Argo Calypso: Part One 8-9 Banned to Egypt 46 Argo Every Day 82 Bored with Argo 17 Argo Revisited 12-13 The "Bound for Argo" Suite 48-49 Argo: The Return 7 Bound for Pennsic 47 Argo to "Sloop John B" 10 Camp Argo - the Worldfilk Affair 80-81 Argo's Fire-Breathing Daughter 11 Canned by Argo 52 BFA:TNG 14-15 The Chase 50 Ban "Banned" 20 Deep Space Argo 51-52 Band from Argo (Cu1pin, Ailcock, Bass) 18 Early One Morning 53 Band from Argo (Ellis) 16-17 Eye of Argon: the filksong 54 Banned from ACME 19 Filk "Banned from Argo" 55 Banned from Argo (Leslie Fish) 88-91 Filking Argo 58 Banned from Argo Again 57 The Fithp Invasion Song 56-57 Banned from Argo (Mirror Universe) 35 Ghost Filkers 49 Banned from Argo - New Verse 60 Griefsleeves 27 Banned from Argo - The Next Generation Ladies' Night on Argo 75

(Daverin) 22-23 Last Word 87 Banned from Argo: The Next Generation Leslie Fish's Melody 15

(Fox-Davis) 24-25 Like a Tribble to the Slaughter 59 Banned from Argo, the Next Generation Medea's Curse 60

(Wood) 21 Move Over, Dr. Frankenstein 61 Banned from Argo (Short Version) 28 A Planet 62 Banned from Argo - Show Stopper #1 23 Que Neo Neo 63 Banned from Argo - Still 26-27 Scans to Argo (Osier) 64

,.-xkqnned from Argo - V1.0 Beta 83 Scans to Argo (Maier) 74 Banned from Argo's Ghost 28 Sick of Argo 42

Banned from Argyle 29 Song of the Fydraca's Crew 66-67 Banned from Armor 9 Talking Banned From Argo 68-69 Banned from Catalina Isle 32 Then We Scanned Key Largo Just for Puns 65 Banned from ConChord 30-31 They're Singing "Banned from Argo" 70 Banned from Egils 33 Tired of Argo 71 Banned from Egypt 34-35 The US and Us 72 Banned from Estrella 36 A Use for Argo 73 Banned from Filkdom 62 Voyage beyond All Belief 31 Banned from Filking (Shuch) 37 Voyager 63 Banned from Filking (Nisbet) 79 Where No Fish Has Gone Before 76-77 Banned from Hiltons 38 Why That Song? 78-79 Banned from Oxford 84-85 Writing Porno 86-87 Banned from Pennsic (Bowen) 40-41

an Index by Author (specifying Title) is at the end of this songbook

c. cros ors- , (pisces: the sign of the fish)

Introduction, Rebuttal, and Editorial Comments 3-5 Discography 85 A Few Notes 89

;Mote: The default tune for these songs is BFA. Other tunes are noted, but It isn't.

INTRODUCTION

How I Came to Write This Song

or

What Have You Created, Dr. Frankenstein?

Or

AAAARRGH! OH, AAAAARRGH!

by Leslie

Well, it all started back in 1977 when my band, The Dehorn Crew (me, Kathy Taylor, Robin Oye, Mary Frohman and sometimes Carol Shuttleworth too) were down in Columbus, Ohio making the master tape of what would later be the album SOLAR SAILORS. We'd just finished recording all the filksongs we'd brought with us (in those days, the recording studio at Ohio State U. didn't have multi-tracking capability; the engineer stuck individual mikes on all of us, but we all did the songs together and hoped to Ghu there were no mistakes) and spent the evening at our producer's -- Steve Reubart's -- house listening to the rough dump of the results. The tape sounded fine, but when we were finished we realized that there was a problem: the album was a wee bit too short. To be specific, we needed another four minutes filled in on one side. Of course, Steve asked: "Hey, Leslie, can't you write just one more song --about four minutes long?"

Oy. The things I do for Art.

thought a bit and realized that I'd written a song for just about every character in the STAR TREK Classic pantheon. So what was left?

Well, how about one for the entire crew, with a verse for each? Hmmm, OK. Now, what would they all be doing that would rate one verse apiece?...Well, we had enough serious songs, so how about a lightweight piece?

Aha! What We All Did On Shore Leave! That would cover all the bases. I started writing...and soon realized that I'd need a name for the planet in question. Wrigley's Pleasure Planet was too long a name, didn't scan well, was hard to rhyme -- and besides, sounded too much like the name of a famous chewing gum company. Had to find something better. As I recall, my eye fell on the contents of Steve Reubart's garbage can, in which lay an empty can of corn -- brand name: Argo. I didn't think it likely we'd be discovered -- let alone sued -- by a canned veggie company, so I borrowed the name. The rest came easily.

"When we pulled into Argo port, in need of R&R..."

Robin and Kathy loved the nice catchy tune; it worked well on mandolin and banjo, gave them plenty of opportunity for improvs and vamps. Everybody in general cracked up over the words. We thought it would make a neat filler for that four-minute gap in the recording time.

So, we practiced for the rest of the evening, got minimal sleep, went back to the studio and recorded the song next day. The engineer loved it too. We got it down in four takes, went off to a well-deserved party, then headed home to await the final result. The editing, pressing, duplicating and cover printing went smoothly enough, and we had the finished LP in time for the Xmas rush.

Bastard Children of Argo page 3

All the songs sounded good; each of us had our particular favorite, but none of them was "Banned From Argo". (In fact, my choice for personal immortality was "Hope Eyrie", on our previous release, FOLK SONGS FOR FOLK WHO AIN'T EVEN BEEN YET).

So, we got busy selling the album by mail order, and I made a point of hitting every convention I ..ould reach in order to sing at the filks and push the record. Soon enough, word began to spread and sales to pick up. Pretty soon, lots of folks had heard our filks -- and lots of our listeners had picked a favorite song off that album.

Guess which one it was.

For the next few years, thank you, at every con I went to, I got asked to sing "Banned From Argo" --sometimes two or three times a night.

Overkill, anyone?

Soon enough, I got sick to death of singing that bleeping song. I made a general announcement asking the fen to please not ask me to sing it more than once per con. Even that got to be too much, and I asked the fen not to ask me for it at all. That didn't stop other filkers from singing it -- often several times per con -- while I was in earshot, so next I asked that please, nobody sing it while I'm around. Well, the fans complied -- but then, if you please, they started filking it. Yea, verily, they kept their promise and didn't sing that bleeping song in my presence; they'd sing filks on it instead.

At this point I gave up, and only asked that anyone who wrote a BFA filk should please send me a copy of the new words (much as Dr. Frankenstein might have solicited repair offers from plastic surgeons). Soon enough the assorted filks began rolling in.

Bad enough were the first-generation BFA filks that only added new words to the old tune. I knew I'd really created a monster when I started getting songs about the original BFA written to yet other tunes -- all too often other tunes of mine. Ye gods, the thing breeds!

When they began crowding my filk-book past the danger point, I handed over the lot to my pals at tdom Factors.

I'd only intended to thin out my filk-book while saving some of the more remarkable examples of filky excess for posterity; it took good ol' John Creasey to come up with the idea of publishing a collection of all the little monsters. Thanks loads, John.

Thus was conceived the filk version of the Son of Frankenstein, which you now hold in your hot little hands. You'll find that I've made appropriate comments about each of these Mutant Monsters From Fannish Perversity -- at least, as appropriate as the censorship laws allow. You've now been warned; All Sanity Abandon, Ye Who Enter Here.

The really scary part is, contributions show no sign of slowing down, even after the cut-off date. We may have to do a sequel to this thing!

Does anybody remember that old Arch Obeler radio play about the mutated chicken heart that ate the world?

Ka-THUMP. Ka-THUMP. Ka-THUMP.

"And we're banned from Argo, every one...."

AAAAAAARRRGHH!!!!

Leslie


REBUTTAL TO INTRODUCTION

You're welcome, Leslie. Glad we could be of help.

Actually, the number of variations to Argo that we saw on FIDOnet Filk Echo and alt.music.filk was the genesis to this project. A poster to a.m.f said, "Gee, wouldn't it be nice to see a tape of nothing but 'Banned From Argo' filks.'"

Mary and I thought about that remark and screamed, "That's too many songs with the same tune! But, a songbook now . Hmmmm?" and chuckled. "What a fiendish idea!" and further thought "Do we dare? What would Leslie think? — most of all — what would she do to us?!"

First, we needed a title. Since all of these songs are filks of, or about, the original in one way or another, and also ... ah, dubiously claimed by their authors, and somewhat illegitimate to boot, the title came naturally.

Then came the hard part, "Oh Leslie ... Guess what? We're doing a songbook. What about? .. Ah-wel111 . " Fortunately for us, she lived four hundred miles away, because her response was memorable. (Insert reaction {nuclear?} here)

"Oh, and Leslie, we want you to annotate all of these songs for posterity." "YOU WANT WHAT?!!!" After we calmed her down, she saw the advantages in this project, and we got her full, if

bemused, cooperation. Anyway, thank you, Leslie, for your help and understanding and for accepting our requirement

of Bardic Immunity for all the contributors to this songbook — especially for me!!

John Creasey

0 -(13. 0.530 0 0 0 CI -s3(.1-s> E.-60 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 qs-30 05.. -.6 0 c7.3 0 a f.5.15 a CO a5.5.130 05.Fs'35..r. (pisces: the sign of the fish)

EDITORIAL COMMENTS

Well, Leslie has done her introduction, and John his rebuttal, ... so I'll get in all the usual editor's comments, appreciations, and legalese.

This book would not have been even remotely possible without the encouragement and help of a LOT of people, many of whom have waited patiently since our first announcement of this project in The Filking Times in 1991. We had NO idea, then, that we would get so MANY contributions (over and above the twenty or so Argo filks that had already been printed)! And such variety, too: versions for every edition of TV Star Trek; versions for the original Argo legend; versions for fandom, the SCA, the Navy, bikers, and the Exodus; even several versions about the song itself and Leslie's reaction to it. Styles vary, too; there are Caribbean, talking blues, condensed versions, and punned titles (several versions of "The Band From Argo", two of which we can't include because we can't locate the authors). And not everything is to the tune of "Banned From Argo", either: many of the songs about BFA are to other tunes, mostly Leslie's (naturally!).

We would like to thank all the contributors, without whom there wouldn't be a book. A comp copy is little enough payment for your patience, but you've all been more than understanding about the many delays. Our thanks also go to our faithful typesetter, Michael Liebmann without whom it would still be in 25 ASCII files and a pile of hardcopy. Sincere thanks also to Lee Gold, who showed us how to actually get it done! And most of all, we thank Leslie Fish for her contributions to the project — not the least of which is writing "Banned From Argo" in the first place — and for being a good sport about the whole idea!

Mary Creasey


That DOES it/ Now you 'ye got both me and Cindy AfQ hunting for your scalp/ ARGH/

ABSOLUTELY THE LAST REMAKE OF "FUEL TO FEED THE DRIVE" Quentin Long (well . . . sort of)

to "Banned from Argo"

One hundred parsecs out within the void between the stars, The crew set out investigating every joint and bar Our engine it was cooling off, quite inhospitably Which soon would leave our ship unfit for spacers such as we.

Chorus:: And we're banned from Argo, for a while Banned from Argo, just for keeping our ship alive. "Our engine's growing cold," we said, "and soon our ship will die If we can't find some fuel to feed the drive."

Our ship's a noble lady, and our captain, he is true. We found him with five partners, each of different sex and hue! The Shore Police were closing in; they left no one alive Upon that blasted rock which held no fuel to feed the drive.

And we're banned from Argo, for a while Banned from Argo, just for keeping our ship alive. If we can't find an answer soon, nobody will survive And so we need some fuel to feed the drive.

(an instrumental interlude goes here, if the guitarist can stomach the idea)

The screen grows bright! We've found a world with fuel, or so it's said. That's how our Lady of Communications won her bet. Our engineer began to celebrate with one and all. And that's why there's a shuttlecraft on the roof of City Hall.

Chorus: And we're banned from Argo, for a while Banned from Argo, just for keeping our ship alive. Hope flares anew, the fields will hold, our engine will survive. There's hydrogen to feed our dying drive.

to "Fuel to Feed the Drive" by Cynthia McQuillin

So once again we fly through space, this void beyond the stars. Who knows what ruin we'll leave behind, what wrecked and shattered bars? Ow crew is Starfleet's finest and our record is our pride

ing as we are granted some fuel to feed the drive.


"Nana' in Argo"? 0y, here beginneth the goo/awful puns. Beware! Be very ware!

ARGO: THE RETURN 0 1992 by Mark Bernstein

As we rolled into Argo Port in our powered wheelchairs We snickered at the mem'ry of our last brief visit there; We came back just to raise more hell, but this whole trip's a bust 'Cause now we find the Argo folk are snickering at us!

CHORUS: And we're bland in Argo, every one. Bland in Argo, we're too old to have much fun. It looks like our get up and go has gone right out the door; Now Argo doesn't mind us any more.

Our captain's bedroom exploits were renowned through all of space, But now he finds, try as he might, he can't get to first base. He doesn't know just what to do; it knocks him for a loop That there's no sex appeal in reading glasses and a taupe. CHORUS

The guy with pointy ears thinks that all races should be friends; He's always writing treaties, and it bores us all no end. We tried the drug that worked last time, but he stayed calm and pure; We thought he'd come back from the dead, but now we're not so sure.. CHORUS

The doctor went to visit with the hookers he once knew; He found them, but he couldn't quite remember what to do. The engineer swore he would coat the whole town with red paint. He's so old now that even the computer thinks he's quaint. CHORUS

The helmsman's now a captain, serving somewhere else in space. The nurse became a telepath and joined another race. Our senior female beamed back home, her confidence was shook When she did a naked fan dance, and no one stopped to look. CHORUS

Another crew has joined us, and they're all so damn polite. The captain drinks Earl Grey and wine; the Klingon doesn't fight; The doctor is a dancer: seems like nothing is the same, But at least we'll clean that android out when we start our poker game! CHORUS

Our crew is Starfleet's oldest, and our record's all we've got. Our senses have been dimmed with time; our reflexes are shot. The present's dull and boring, and the future's just a blur, But at least we know the galaxy remembers who we were! CHORUS


Nice to know Kirk has one professions! flaw — he's not a quick-draw artist.

ARGO CALYPSO: PART ONE Jeremy Buhler Copyright 1992

Well, here's the first part of a multi-part "Banned from Argo" Reggae/Calypso version. Corresponds some-what to the first and second verses. More will follow, but in the meantime, the chorus tune is blatantly plagiarized from the calypso number in "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat." Use your imagination on the other parts (the ones that aren't spoken anyway).

Well,...ya know

It come time to take us de leave on shore So we head for de port down on Argo IV. We bring our best ragz and a heap of loot, But de planetary governor, he give us de boot!

Chorus: Get out! <echo> Go way! <echo>

Argo IV, dey dinna wanna let us stay! Go home! <echo> Goodbye!! <echo>

We be banned from Argo, but we don' know why. We be banned from Argo, but we don' know why.

<Spoken, but with music>

J)-- captain, him go boozin"round de local bars; tell de little barmaids 'bout de distant stars.

Him say "Come on, little girls, you can see I don' bite, But I really wanna party with a wench tonight!"

Him get the chickies drunk on Antarean rum And when him say "Beam me up!", well, dey all want come. So him transport dem up to de vessel above And dey set galactic records in de books of love.

Till de boyfriends, dey learn where their women be at, Dey gonna find dis starship captain and a-knock him flat! Now de long-range sensor show de mob below, So de ship's First Officer say "Captain! Don' go!"

But de Captain take a phaser and set it on stun. Him say, "Just watch me on de viewer screen, Number One. And wit' dat, him transport down to confront de crowd, Who gettin' nasty an' abusive an' lewd an' loud.

Him say, "I hear you fellas be a little sore." Den dey fall upon de Captin wi' an awful roar.

<Stop music but continue>

A security team stun de rioting bunch Because de captain never had a chance to t'row a punch. r beam him up to Sickbay, and de doc approach.

.I say, "Dammit, I'm a doctor, not a boxing coach!"


<Restart music>

Den de captain's eyes snap open and him smile trough de pain And say, "It hurt, but for de women, I would do it again!"

<OK, back to singing>

Chorus: Get out! <echo> Go way! <echo>

Argo IV, dey dinna wanna let us stay! Go home! <echo> Goodbye!! <echo>

We be banned from Argo, but we don' know why. We be banned from Argo, but we don' know why.

(so- c. - a Eo- Ea a a E -0 5. .73 a a 0- <so- • _- .6: -0 a a cro E-0- Ea 9. Ea a Ea Cp

Yo-ho-ho./ You can run, but you can't rhino-hide/ ( A„

BANNED FROM ARMOR David Hodge ©1992

When I walk on a tourney field, I know that I will win My swordwork is the best. Oh yes, on that you can depend. My armor is so strong that it would stop a forty-five. Besides, I never take a blow: I'm made of rhino hide!

Chorus: But I'm banned from armor ever more Banned from armor, and I think it's such a bore. That marshals and opponents will insist on silly rules. A pox on all those lily-livered fools!

When I fought at Estrella War, I cut a mighty swath, And corpses made of all who dared to stand there in my path. I tossed them round like ninepins; I was near a perfect game. When o'er the din of battle, I heard someone call my name.

Chorus

Among the blows I didn't take were those of seven dukes, A full score of knights, three kings, a master - all above rebuke. They offered me a journey to the isle of Zanzibar, And so I sing this, my complaint, all from a land afar.

Chorus

page 9 Bastard Children of Argo

Enterprise calypso...? kferci, Bon Dieu./

ARGO TO "SLOOP JOHN B." Dr Pepper

to the tune of "Sloop John B."

We come on the Enterprise Our space-happy gals and guys

Down on Argo IV our shuttle did land Carousing all night Gave the locals a fright

I feel so broke up, 'cause now we're all banned!

So set the dilithium flow I hope that the engines don't blow Beam all the redshirts aboard

'Cause now we're all banned Admiralty Board, Please can't we reach an accord?


Captain was in a fix, Gave the women herpes six!

Quarantine officers ordered him boiled in lead Used some old trick vThY,ot away quick


Chorus

Uhura had her some fun With her trusty soldering gun

Wired the public address to the governor's phone He was heard the next day Making rulings for pay


Chorus

Bu., yard Children of Argo page 10

Now the Pagans are getting into the act! Ye gods, is nothing sacred?!

ARGO'S FIRE-BREATHING DAUGHTER Copyright 1987 Bob Kanefsky

When we pulled into Argo port in need of sky and trees, We all assumed we'd be allowed to worship as we'd please; But when one landing party tried to beam down in the nude, We learned that Argo's colonists were Bible-thumping prudes.

Chorus: And we're banned from Argo, just for spite Banned from Argo just for dancing around at night. We thought we'd go and worship there for just four days or five But Argo nearly burned us all alive.

Our Engineer went with some friends to worship in the wood. The shore police were quite convinced they were up to no good. They said, "We'll have no witches here!"; our Engineer just laughed And said he'd beam aboard again to practice in his craft. CHORUS

Our Doctor went out shopping, and he came back with a steer. The customs people eyed the beast and primly said, "Oh dear. This must be for your med research." The Doctor said, "Like hell! It's the sacrifice Apollo wants each year to keep us well." CHORUS

Our Lady of Communications beamed down with a drum And opened hailing frequencies to the ghosts in Kingdom Come. The dead phone their descendants now each night by telescreen: All bones and gore, for the flesh they wore is nowhere to be seen. CHORUS

Our Captain gives his service to his goddess every day But shore leave often tempts the man to try and slip away. Her sensors found him with five whores he'd picked up in a bar. She beamed him home, and beamed the whores to the Ladies' Church Bazaar.

Some crewmen held a circle in an Argo city park. They'd beamed into a timezone where the sky was clear and dark. The noise woke all the neighbors, and they came out armed with rocks, But turned and fled in terror when they caught a glimpse of Spock. CHORUS

CHORUS

Our crew is Starfleet's finest and perhaps its most diverse. With sixty-two religions, I suppose we could do worse. We're heading out from Argo now but plan to come back soon - With several hundred photon bombs for bringing down the moon. CHORUS


I'm beginning to think that the filks about Next Gen. are better than the show.

ARGO REVISITED Larry D. Kirby, Ill

Our crew pulled into Argo port to have a little fun A shore leave world was needed - we thought Argo'd be the one Until our crew hit dirtside and began to roam around We found out we weren't welcome in their cities or their towns

CHORUS: And we're banned from Argo, all of us Banned from Argo just for causing a little fuss We thought we'd go on shore leave there and have ourselves a ball But Argo didn't like us much at all

Our Captain is a diplomat, he doesn't like to fight He beamed down to a nightclub where he got a little tight And sure enough he did the thing he's known for near and far: The ship he did surrender to the hookers in the bar

CHORUS

Our Number One's a ladies' man; the ladies love him too He spends his off time with the female members of the crew Ue had to find some women who had not heard of his ways

le beamed into a convent and he wasn't seen for days CHORUS

Our Counsellor's a Betazoid; she sunbathes in the nude, But she won't strip down on the ship, and we all think that's rude So when she found a quiet spot on the planet's sunny side We filmed her with ship's cameras and then beamed it planetwide

CHORUS

To become a human being is our android's lofty goal He's liked by all except the Doc who says he has no soul When his turn came for shore leave, he beamed down quite punctual And said he'd show her what was meant by fully functional

CHORUS

Our Doctor thinks all androids are machines that do not feel She says they are not people: they are things; they are not real We found her in some bushes with her senses dulled from Scotch With tatters in her uniform and rust stains in her crotch

CHORUS


Our first ship's Doctor took a leave of absence for a year The last place that we'd ever thought we'd see her was down here We found her in an Argo bar, her assets on display, Serving drinks in bathing suits and skimpy lingerie

CHORUS

The head of ship's Security's a Klingon through and through He got blitzed in a local bar and we wondered what he'd do Till an Argo army general called and said we'd earn his thanks If we'd come and get our Klingon who was punching out his tanks

CHORUS

A time warp is a funny thing; it leads to lots of strife And sometimes if you're lucky it can even save your life Our blonde lieutenant's still alive; there can be no dispute She's running Argo's most expensive house of ill repute

CHORUS

Our engineer's a blind man, and the locals gave him hell They asked him if he fixed the ship by touch or taste or smell He said his visor worked as well as anybody's eyes And proved it when he told which of the men were circumcised

CHORUS

Half our ship's Security had beamed down to a park They drank and smoked and snorted till the air grew cool and dark The shore police informed us that our men had gone berserk And were pissing on a statue that was built to James T. Kirk

CHORUS

A shipful of Ferengi landed, looking for a trade They had buckets full of diamonds, gold and silver, pearls and jade They walked into a bar where some of us were hard at play We tried to sell them Wesley, but the bastard got away

CHORUS

Our crew is Starfleet's finest; least we like to think we are But they don't want it back within a light year of their star They told us keep our ship away from Argo's sunny skies 'Cause they ain't had a lot of luck with ships named Enterprise

CHORUS

Last Verse Optional

I wrote this little filksong back in nineteen eighty-nine Though it's been ripped off once or twice, I guarantee it's mine This song it is a parody, and so I have one wish: To send my humblest apologies to Leslie Fish

CHORUS


This is probably the third or fourth Next Geri version that I've seen, and easily the most printable. Did anybody besides the Great Bird like Wesley?

BFA:TNG Claire Maier, Harold Feld and Charles Asbjornsen

When we pulled out of spacedock Earth to travel near and far, Our crew set out investigating every world and star. We had high expectations of the things that we could see, But found the crew a bit too square for spacers such as we.

And we'll go where no one's gone before "One," not "man," 'cause we're not sexist any more. A generation later, you'd think we would know the score; We've got the feeling we've been here before.

Our Captain's lines are simple; his delivery's complex And when he gives an order, ILM does the effects. His voice snaps in command, and we will answer to the call, Especially if it's to beam the kid into the wall. CHORUS

Our navigator's blind, which really makes for quite a ride. He swears to us that he can see, as we bounce from side to side. He'll sense beams coming at us in UV and microwave, FYcept he never tells us till it's too late to be saved. CHORUS

Our proper cool First Officer can vanquish all his foes. For once I'd like to see a giant pimple on his nose! He caught an alien virus but his symptoms weren't real, And that's because he has no inner self to be revealed. CHORUS

We have on board an android who is full of jokes and quips, And we know from experience he comes fully equipped. "My inquiry . . .I have a Chinese puzzle. Please explain Why don't we beam the kid into the wall? He's such a pain." CHORUS

Our lady of Security is strong as any man, But though they'd like to love her, they all really doubt they can. Whenever they come near her, they all feel paranoid 'Cause if she has a chance, they know, she'll do it with a 'droid. CHORUS

Our alien weapons officer does really love to fight No matter what the foe, or cause, or if it's wrong or right. He has no fear of dying, which is very fine by me, So let him bash the balrog, and we all will climb the tree. CHORUS


Our doctor loves humanity, at least who's on her slab. You know she can't stand people 'cause there's no one in her lab. She plays the lovely widow, for the Captain makes her bid. She needs something to compensate for having such a kid. CHORUS

At last we come down to the Kid, the awful prototype Of all the TV whiz kids that bombard us day and night. And he can do most anything; he shows us at our worst. Let's shove him in the transporter and set it on "DISPERSE!" CHORUS

Our scripts are not the finest, but we've got nothing left to hide. Our plots are old, and for the lines, we're stealing far and wide. We've got to meet our deadlines and obey Gene's sacred word. Let's see you try to clean up all the droppings of Great Bird! CHORUS

... Do you realize that these words scan to 'Ghost Riders In The Sky'? Except for the choice of chorus. Thank Ghu, it doesn't scan to the chorus of BFAI

Just the verse. <50>

LESLIE FISH'S MELODY Jan Kelson ©1992

to the tune of "Captain Signy Mallory"

Chorus: Leslie Fish's malady, she hates that song they say. Some wish she never wrote it, but the song won't go away. And if she's in the filkroom and you're planning to survive, Don't ask for "Banned from Argo" or you'll never leave alive.

She wrote that song so long ago to fill a spot on tape, But how the fen adopted it left Leslie's mouth agape. For years at every filksing from New York to LA, You'd hear the fans requesting it, "Oh, 'Argo' won't you play?"

The sexual adventures of the Enterprise bridge crew Seem to be the favorite song of every filker new. It quickly reached the point of being sung at every con, And the list of Argo parodies goes on and on and on.

The filkers all wised up at last, but it was far too late. For every neo knows of it and they all think it's great. So Leslie has to live with it, this monster that she wrote. She plays the song and tries hard not to cringe with every note.

Chorus


I" could swear I did on opening act for a band just like this in San Francisca a couple years back...

BAND FROM ARGO Joe Ellis ©1992

We made landfall on Sol Plus Three, lookin' for a gig, Our warp van nearly out of gas; our need for cash quite big... We couldn't find a venue that would pay us for our songs Until we found a spaceport bar; 'twas open all night long.

spoken: Strangest thing, tho... we still haven't found the spaceport!

They had an open mike that night, but no one seemed to mind That the topics and the scansion and the tunes were ill-defined. We set up our equipment, and then struck a tuning chord, And woke up all those sleeping fen by whom we're now adored!

We're the Band from Argo playin' live! The Band from Argo, and it sure ain't no jive. We're the loudest aggregation of musicians ever heard, But on the Billboard charts, we're thirty-third...

spoken: With a laser!

----qur guitar-thing from Betelgeuse has three deft pairs of hands . gives us great advantages o'er ordinary bands!

He plays rhythm, lead, and solo all at once when at his peak, But to tune his three-necked Astrocaster takes a whole damn week!

spoken: Huh? What?? Whaddaya mean ya wanna go to a 36 -string!?!?

Our drummer's quite the fashion plate; feel free to take a look, But keep your hands all to yourself: her past's an open book. She used to be a hooker quite adept at turning tricks, Till she killed two pimps and six Dorsai with nothing but her sticks!

We're the Band from Argo playin' live! The Band from Argo, and it sure ain't no jive. We're the strangest group of rockers that the Union's ever seen But on this week's Billboard chart, we're at sixteen!

spoken: Moving up at warp speed!

The heavy metal rockers love our keyboard man's attire; His chrome and leather costume is the look they all desire. They haven't figured out yet how he plays those keyboard tiers. It's all MIDIed from a mainframe sitting right between his ears!

spoken: Great Ghu, he's crashed again! Get the boot disk!


Our singer has a set of pipes to make a banshee blush, But his alcoholic intake makes it clear that he's a lush. It's good he doesn't need a mike, because the way they're built, When he steps up to sing I've seen more than a dozen wilt!

We're the Band from Argo playin' live! The Band from Argo, and it sure ain't no jive. We've got the strangest bunch of fans to ever hit the door, But Billboard has us up to number four!

spoken: Move over, Andrew Jackson! Oh,... Michael Jackson !

Our roadies are the best machines we had the nerve to steal; We thought the price was pretty good, so we made ourselves a deal! But I hope the Doctor learns just how to turn them off real soon; It's quite a pain to have to keep our Daleks on the moon!

spoken: Oh, well... they never were any good around stairs.

Our agent is a special breed; he's very fair, you see. He screws the club and band both, so it comes out evenly, Then takes his sixty-five percent, and says that it's his due, Because, you see, our agent is a human just like you!

We're the Band from Argo playin' live! The Band from Argo, and it sure ain't no jive. We're the oddest group of rockers that's been seen under this sun, But this week's Billboard has us number one!

Yes, this week's Billboard has us number one!

spoken: Just one thing... What is a billboard, anyway?

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RRRRRRRRRRIGHT1

Bored with Argo David Weingart ©1988

And I'm bored with "Argo," everyone Bored with "Argo" so this parody is done!


You know, I think I've done gigs with pick-up bands like this:..

BAND FROM ARGO Rafe Culpin (verses 1-3, and chorus); Phil Allcock (verses 4-5) and Diana Bass (verse 6)

previously published in On Filkley Moor

When our ship pulled into Terra from our distant native star, Our band set out to play our songs in every joint and bar. We had high expectations of their hospitality, But found too late they weren't designed for aliens such as we.

Chorus: And we're a Band from Argo, on the run A Band from Argo, we're just having a little fun. But pretty soon we'll sure leave here, about three days or four, For Terra just can't stand us anymore.

We played a gig in Italy; it's really quite a place And Goravon was showing off just how well he sings bass. He's ten yards tall, weighs fifteen tons; he really has some power And there's no need to be quite so sore about your Leaning Tower.

Chorus

A Lagran's mating habits can get a bit complex. And Vageneth (our drummer) keeps on changing his/her sex.

e female form is purest white, the male a dark black stain —And I don't think we'll be visiting South Africa again!

Chorus

Randoran is our bassman, his guitar is quite unreal. For it's two hundred metres long with "strings" of cabled steel. Alas, he left his pick in Argo, now so far away, But using Sydney Opera House, he found he still could play.

Chorus

Our Band is Argo's finest, and our records are our pride, But never have our concerts' cordon zones been ten miles wide. We're sorry 'bout the wreckage and the riots and the fuss, But you Earthlings are weird (at least, that's how it seems to us).

Chorus

We've gigged with many life forms from so many different worlds, Some of them so ghastly my antennae are still curled. But when these things called "filkers" sang their own sweet roundelay, We only took one look at them and ran the other way!

Chorus


BANNED FROM ACME Michael Hoperoft

who fears for his life next time he sees Fish at a con.... "A song about the little cartoon characters of Tiny Toon Adventures, sparked by the question

of whether Babs Bunny (who isn't related to Buster, the show's host) lives with the guy or was just visiting when that earthquake hit."

ARRGH./ll Hoperoft has good reason to run. I shook/sic Rambo on the Than station.

I came to Acme Acres, with a press card in my hair To check out all the younger toons that are a-living there. I wanted just the straight scoop, what would make my readers shout, But when they found why I was there, they up and threw me out!

CHORUS: And I'm banned from Acme Acres now.... Banned from Acme for asking the why and how. I wondered what the new toons did to have a little fun, So now my Acme Acres days are done.

The Bunnies Babs and Buster are an interesting team, So I couldn't help but wonder what they did to let off steam. I saw Babs at the doctor's, and she didn't quite look ill. And that's how I found out a rabbit can be on the pill!

CHORUS

Plucky is an odd one who is deep into despair. He's trying just to find a lady duck with nice blonde hair. They think he's taken one too many anvils to the head, But one told me all about the reeds he uses for a bed!

CHORUS

It was Shirley the Loon's birthday when I came upon the scene, But early the next morning it was her birthday again. She's been reincarnated so dam many times, you see. That every day's her birthday, and the cake is always free!

CHORUS

One of the things that Hamton hates is to be called a pig, Although his tail is little and his head is rather big. He came to see a girlie that he hadn't seen before, But he was not invited! "Look, here comes a crashing boar!"

CHORUS

You'd think a guy like Foulmouth would scare lots of folks away. They bleep out every second word of what he has to say. But some girls kind of like him, in spite of all the taunts, 'Cause when he speaks, he lets them know precisely what he wants!

CHORUS


I should / be so lucky, ..."Greenskevesm. ,1

BAN "BANNED" David Hodge

When I came into filk fandom, I heard a mighty tune, But "We don't sing that anymore; next year would be too soon. We've heard it done a thousand times, and we've grown tired at last, And we've decided that that song is firmly in the past."

Now let's ban the Banned from Argo filk: Banned from Argo and all others of that ilk. I know that for the filkwriters it's just like mother's milk, Outnumber Greensleeves filks they quickly will.

Although they've banned the words to it, they are not shy at all (FILKERS?!) At trotting out the same old tune for filksongs true and tall, And so you hear Banned This, Banned That, through all the filksing long. Oh, DAMN! I've used the same old tune for this, my protest song.

Now let's ban the Bannedfrom Argo filk: Banned from Argo and all others of that ilk. I know that for the filkwriters it's just like mother's milk, Outnumber Greensleeves filks they quickly will.

Don't I wish!

ANTI-ARGO Beth Moursund

And we're banning Argo from this filk Banning Argo and all others of its ilk We'll sing of 'bots and unicorns, we'll sing of love and war, But we won't sing of Argo any more.


BANNED FROM ARGO, THE NEXT GENERATION Copyright 1993 by Keith Wood

Music by Leslie Fish (who may never forgive me, and who, I just remembered, owns a gun and knows where I live . . .)

Heh held

We made a call on Argo just to buy a little paint. Telling them our ship name made the space controller faint. No Starfleet ship had stopped by there since time nobody knows, And though we don't why, they said the planet had been closed!

CHORUS: And we're banned from Argo every one Banned from Argo for what someone else had done! We needed some repairs and thought that ArgooPort would serve But Argo's got a big attack of nerves!

We sent Commander Riker down to try to make amends He came back hours later, said they wanted to be friends; They'd beam aboard each microgram of varnish in the place, If we would only take the lot, then head back into space!

CHORUS

Next Deanna beamed on down to try to clear the air And simply prove this Enterprise had never once been there; She promptly ended up in jail, her foot chained to the floor — Lwaxanna Troi had been in town a year or so before!

CHORUS

So then we sent in Worf to have a word with Argo's cops We beamed him back before they could line up a decent shot! In his report he noted that their actions were absurd: "It's easier to talk to Q than make them hear a word!"

CHORUS

So we gave up and made our plans to refit far away, And we're still not sure what happened to this very day; We scooped Deanna back aboard and left that world behind, And near as we can figure that whole planet's lost their minds!

Obviously, none of the clueless crew hod ever attended a lasing.


Awkl This filk has more balls than the program/

BANNED FROM ARGO -- THE NEXT GENERATION lyrics by Bob and Brenda Daverin

After seventy-four long years the Argo people changed their minds, And said they'd let us visit their fair planet one more time. They figured we're a brand-new crew, so how could it go wrong. But something did, and that is why we're singing you this song.

And we're banned from Argo for all time, Banned from Argo, though our visit was sublime. We had a lovely shore leave there for just a week or four, But they won't let us dock there anymore.

Our gallant Gallic Captain with his head so mirror-clean, Stepped in an Argo bar just to observe the local scene. A drunk Ferengi used the captain's head to check his looks, And woke up in the hospital, his hands replaced with hooks.

CHORUS

Our handsome, suave First Officer likes anything in skirts, And when he's playing poker, his opponents lose their shirts.

_He found himself at table with a Highlander from Earth, id now he swears he knows how women feel when giving birth.

CHORUS

Our sensitive Ship's Counselor walked by the Argo Jail, And was hit by the emotions held by each and every male. The warden called us up and said, "You've got to beam her out! She's taking on my convicts, and she's wearing each one out!"

CHORUS

Our lovely widowed Doctor found herself a big surprise: A man just like her husband, only doubled in one size. She introduced him to her son, and then was shocked to find That having sex with Mama was no longer on his mind.

CHORUS

Our blind Chief Engineer's experience was rather slim. Not knowing what girls looked like was a sticking point with him. He fixed his visor so that he could see their proper shape, And ended up in court, arraigned on thirty counts of rape.

CHORUS


Our pale-skinned android Helmsman felt the need to build a mate, So when a ship leave came about he'd always have a date. They found a cheap motel that had sex movies as the fare, And when the rescue crews arrived, the hotel wasn't there.

CHORUS

Our good Chief of Security's a Klingon with some class, He led a pack of Romulans in a Klingon Catholic Mass, Or so he told the shore patrol when they came to claim the dead. He said they'd moved a bit too slow when told to bow their heads.

CHORUS

Our youthful Acting Ensign fended off his mother's friend, And sought to give his shore leave a far more auspicious end. He made a human daisy chain like some had never seen, It took two turns through hyperspace and generated steam.

CHORUS

The Hostess of Ten-Forward Lounge has been a mystery, Like how she met the Captain, also just how old is she. She found a dear old friend who called himself the Wandering Jew, And they reminisced about the time they spent in Katmandu.

CHORUS

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'Tis a consummation greatly to be wished...but _I have my doubts. Whada'yo wanna bet, sooner or later some son-of-a-Borg sets the words of BF/1 to Beethoven?

BANNED FROM ARGO: SHOW-STOPPER #1 Joe Ellis

Heh heh heh... This is what I tagged onto the end of "BFA - The Next Generation" by Bob & Brenda Daverin. 'Twas in a filk file in one of the GEnie SFRT libraries... — Joe Ellis

"We're singing "Banned From Argo" for all time! "Banned From Argo"... And we're runnin' out of rhymes. I hope this is the last 'Star Trek' to make it on TV, And we can ban this song from filks eternally!


BANNED FROM ARGO: THE NEXT GENERATION Jim and Susan Fox-Davis

When we arrived at Argo, the Argonians were sore They said they'd cleaned up after us a century or more We flashed the big "D" on our hull and said, "Don't make a fuss," But ship's tradition found a way of catching up with us.

Chorus: And we're -- banned from Argo once again Banned from Argo; it's still the same refrain. The crew has always come right here to have a little fun But now our Argo shore leave days are done.

The Captain stayed up on the bridge, preferring not to wench, Complaining all too loudly that the women there weren't French. "It makes no sense to me," he said, "to risk a transport slip. Why should I beam abroad when I can go down with my ship?"

Chorus

The First Officer is "Number One" with all the female crew Including some whose physiognomies aren't quite Earth-true. He staffed his new Away Team with a dozen girls or more, And said that they were going where no man had gone before!

Chorus

Our Chief of Security's inclined to war, not love. Her love affair with Starfleet seems ordained from above; She went to Argo anyway, to "wrestle" local boys, But she came home early 'cause she'd broken all her toys!

Chorus

We wondered what had happened to our Doctor's pride and joy 'Cause everybody knows that he's a quite precocious boy. We found him in the capital, a-teaching fizzbin there Until the war computer cried he wasn't playing fair!

Chorus

Although our Ops officer may seem to you a "droid," The data that he knows would startle Drs. Ruth and Freud. With all the various fields in which he's programmed to respond, When beam-up came he had enflamed two redheads and a blonde.

Chorus


Our beautiful ship's Counselor is half a Betazed. She launched a thousand starships with the turning of her head. Her empathic ability can be a joy sublime Like walking past a whorehouse -- when she came a dozen times.

Chorus

They say about our Navigator that he's flying blind, But when it comes to tinkering, he is a mastermind He set his sensor-visor to see through all mass textile, Now every girl he looks at's wearing nothing but a smile.

Chorus

Our brand-new Klingon officer beamed down there to explore. It seems that they had never seen the likes of him before. But the part of him that all the girls loved the best Was when they got him into bed and fondled his headcrest!

Chorus

Pirates are passé these days; we hate Ferengi now. Antagonizing Starfleet, to outdrink us was their vow. Unfortunately, metabolic mix-ups were our gain And substances that make them drunk will sober us again.

Chorus

When we beamed back to the ship to get our ails repaired, We found our darling Doctor had computerized our care. When we found her hiding place, she'd been fine all along. Sharing with son Capitan good champagne and good song!

Chorus

Hey, what about Guinan and O'Brien and the computer and the holodeck and the mice in the walls?

[Take a look at some of the other Next Gen versions, Leslie. Or wait for new ones to be written. -- Mary Creasey]


Hehl Heh! Couldn't happen to a more deserving bunch!

BANNED FROM ARGO STILL Filkers of TT-IV (written as a group effort at a Filk Workshop, at Toronto Trek 4)

The Captain beamed down from the ship with Crusher by his side. They had to do this secretly; they had a lot to hide. But when the concierge found them there, he wasn't too impressed, Because the Crusher in the room, it wasn't Bev but Wes.

Chorus: And we're banned from Argo, every one Banned from Argo, just for having a little fun It's been a ship's tradition for a hundred years or more, And Argo doesn't want us anymore.

Will Riker had his favorite spot; it was Orion's bar But on the way he got shanghaied; he didn't get too far Troi was waiting patiently; she felt him coming on. She didn't care for privacy; she jumped him on the lawn.

Chorus

O'Brien the Transporter Chief took Data on a tear. Though Data matched him drink for drink, he's none the worse for wear. ley found what got poor Data tanked was good old Argo crude;

Now Tasha knows the place where this Droid got tattooed.

Chorus

The Doctor came down later. She was looking for her son. She had her med kit with her just in case she found some fun. Argo was a quiet port till Beverly beamed down, But now they have designer drugs in every bar in town.

Chorus

Lieutenant Worf went looking for a green Orion slave. The Shore Police were called when patrons heard him howl and rave. The charge was drunken brawling. Worf said that was not the case. The charge should have been Klingon sex within a public place.

Chorus

Geordie's on the holodeck - he couldn't score below He used some ingenuity to boost his little show. He tapped into the Argo Net, used every byte and bit. Now every time the phones ring, the toilets spew up shit.

Chorus


Guinan went to Argo Port to teach them of her craft. The planetary sovereign gave her the royal shaft. But Guinan wasn't worried for she could retaliate. She took a fork and fixed it so the sovereign couldn't mate.

Chorus

Somehow the Q Continuum learned what was going on. It piqued their curiosity; it really turned them on. Despite their reputation now, the Q were not that bad. Compared to us, they were the best that Argo ever had,

Chorus

We are Starfleet's finest, though on board we act so tame. But get us down on shore leave, and we put Kirk's crew to shame. We know we left an awful mess, but just 'tween you and me, We cut a path that none can match across the galaxy.

And we're banned from Argo, every one Banned from Argo just for having a little fun; It's been a ship's tradition now for a hundred years or more And Argo doesn't want us anymore.

(No bloody wonder!)

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GRIEFSLEEVES Charlotte (Jerscheid) Marek, Copyright 1994

to the tune of (well, it had to be Greensleeves) [by way of the Christmas song "What Child is This?" — Mary Creasey]

Ayyy-men!

What song is this (It just won't rest.... It's Leslie's fault, and she's weeping.) Which neos greet with voices sweet While filkers grief are reaping?

This, this is BFA, And filk-fen wish it would go away. Haste, haste to call a halt to This song named "Banned from Argo."

Weeping ina'eed,. groaning is more like it! ... But wotthehell, it scans and rhymes.


Y.4 HHH/ It's after me.

THE BANNED FROM ARGO'S GHOST Scorpia

to the tune of "Carmen Miranda's Ghost"

The Banned from Argo's ghost is haunting our dear Leslie. Half the con has heard it, from dawn till quarter-to-three. And if you think we've had too much of cookies, chips and gum, Just tell me where those off-key strains of song keep coming from.

Don't go down a dark hallway when there's no one in sight. You might just hear "When we pulled in . . ." and get a nasty fright. And if you hear a woman scream, don't pass the guest room door. You might just see an anarchist in pain upon the floor!

She often hears a lot of it in concert night or day. She tries to disregard it, but it just won't go away. So the concert's top-rank filker sings her notes and drains her cup. She stays intoxicated but that song keeps showing up.

We don't know why she's haunted here or why it's this that haunts. We've got a betting pool for all who wonder what it wants. The best odds say it's vengeance of a special kind: She's being reprimanded by the crew of Enterprise!

Banned from Argo's ghost is haunting our dear Leslie. There's no use complaining, 'cause it just won't let her be. And now and then we wonder what it means for the human race That ghosts of filksongs dead and gone keep rising from their graves!

OY VEY!

BANNED FROM ARGO (Short Version) Kay Shapero and J-Mag Guthrie

We went to visit Argo Port to have a little fun. The crew made so much havoc that we had to cut and run. And now we are forbidden to return for many years, And I had better stop this before Leslie overhears.

For it's "Banned from Argo" once again And we'd better not be singing it when Leslie wanders in. There's time for a few verses, maybe three or maybe four, But Leslie cannot stand it anymore.

Wonder why./


This is a fictional story, isn't it, Rennie., .... Rennie.,

BANNED FROM ARGYLE Rennie Levine

Sue Knapp grew up on Argyle Road; the neighbors knew her well. They thought she was a normal girl, as far as they could tell. But soon she changed in ways of which they did not quite approve. When she brought home her fannish friends, they said she'd have to move.

Now she's banned from Argyle 'til the end. Banned from Argyle, 'cause they saw her fannish friends. She thought she'd have a filksing on her parents' parlor floor Now Argyle doesn't want her anymore!

Sue volunteered her parents' house for second Saturday The living room contained a nice piano she could play. Her parents weren't home, but she was sure they wouldn't mind. It would have been all right, but she forgot to close the blinds!

Chorus

Such goings-on on Argyle Road the neighbors never saw The fen were sprawled on couches and were sitting on the floor. They sang the strangest songs, and sang them loud as loud could be. The neighbors never heard such sounds from Dave and Rivalee!

Chorus

When Susan saw them peeking in, she opened up the door Invited all the neighbors in to join them on the floor. They got to liking filking, and before they all had gone The neighbors formed a group to play and sing at the next con!

They're the Band From Argyle 'til the end. Band from Argyle - now her neighbors all are fen. On Argyle Road they filk all night and sleep throughout the day And Dave and Rivalee have moved away.


Hmm. Famish comments on fan politics? Heh-helil This is the fitting tune to put em to!

BANNED FROM CONCHORD Jane Mailander & Dean Thomas, Copyright 1992

Michael Liebmann came along to ConChord Eight today, With both guitars and all his books to filk the con away. But when he sang his version of a song called "Susan B" The female fen all lynched him - and Leslie picked the tree!

CHORUS: And now he's banned from ConChord everyone, Banned from ConChord just for having a little fun, It's been a filk tradition for the last eight years, no more. But ConChord doesn't want his filks no more.

Dean Thomas dropped in to the con with his sing-along machine, He's hoping that his filksongs will sound better while he sings. He did a song off of his tapes called "Filkwriter Serenade", But far from going down well, all the fen threw hand grenades!

CHORUS He's/his

Bob Kanefsky's at the con from sunny San Jose, He's got his books of filks he's filked to sell as well as play. Rut folk who loved cats heard him sing "Nobody's Moggy Lands." dchat happened next made L.A.'s riots look like "Peter Pan"!

CHORUS He's/his

Leslie Fish then stepped up to the stage to sing a song, And just when you thought nothing else at this con could go wrong. She sang "The Good Ship Venus" just to try and raise a laugh; The Concom, they turned pale, and the fen just retched and barfed!

CHORUS She's/her

Random Factors set up shop in the ConChord dealers room, Both John and Mary Creasey hoped to get rich fairly soon. But both were stunned when they went broke; they wondered what went wrong. It was a fannish boycott 'cause of "Mongol Wedding Song"!

CHORUS They're/their

Jane Mailander came along to sing up on the stage, The Concom hoped her filksongs would defuse the fannish rage. She hoped they'd like her latest filks like "Don't Mess 'Round with Blake", But she was shocked when they came up and burned her at the stake!

CHORUS She's/her


The L.A. Filkhari -nonics came along to soothe the fen, For so far ConChord was a riot getting out of hand. They tried to sing their hit: "The Last of Grand Moff Tarkin's Crew", But rather than applause, they only got what the fen threw!


Next, Dr. Jane and all the band stepped up to quell the fight. By now the hotel was in shreds, and the cops are now in sight. But "Drivel" didn't do much good and "Catbox Blues" went worse, They all got put against the wall, then thrown into a hearse!


The Concom stepped up to the mike. All three of them were stunned. Poor Rick and Deb and Nick Smith wished they'd brought along a gun. They couldn't stop the fen from hanging all the culprits high, As the hotel boss said to them: "Concom, cancel this or die!"

FINAL CHORUS: So now they've killed the Concom, everyone. Killed the Concom, and the fen are now on the run. It was a filk tradition for the last eight years, No more. But now all L.A. won't have them no more.

[Note: ConChord is real; the events depicted are fictional. - Mary CreaseyJ

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Heh-helil Beware of P0ea' Starfieet crews when all bets are off/

VOYAGE BEYOND ALL BELIEF Copyright by Steve Macdonald

When we pulled in to Argo Port to recreate a bit, We were really quite surprised to find them in a snit. They said they'd had enough of righteous Starfleet and its kind. We should have left before we found out what they had in mind...

And now we're banned from Federation space. Delta Quadrant looks so different from this base. It looks as though we'll be out here for just a year or four; Prime Directive doesn't matter any more.


I'll believe it - having same/ed a Navy boy or two - or was it three? Well, it was an interesting car, anyway/

BANNED FROM CATALINA ISLE J'nae Campbell, Chris Hugill, Jeanne Whistler & Michael Liebmann

When we pulled into Catalina's only island port We thought we'd make a time of it and have ourselves some sport, But when the senior personnel got really drunk and mean, We found the Avalonians can really be obscene.

Chorus: And we're banned from Catalina Isle Banned from Catalina, 'cause they don't like our style We spent a reckless shore leave there, for just three days or four, But Avalon don't want us anymore.

Our proper, cool executive imbibed a drink or two, Then went upon the roadway -- and then what did he do? He stood upon the median and told authorities That they could go and stick whatever wherever they pleased.

CHORUS

In Avalon, they have a law: don't dive off of the rocks! -'Cause if you do, then you're in for a very nasty shock.

Ale crewman really broke that law in a manner rather rude, And dove off the casino roof, completely in the nude.

CHORUS

In Avalon, the transportation might give you a start. They don't use motor vehicles; instead they use golf carts. Our crewmen got a-hold of them and took them for a ride.. . When they were done, they flipped them all and left them on their sides!

CHORUS

To help improve the crew's morale, a dance was held on board; The men's morale did flutter, but the women's spirits soared. They knew the ship was now within the County of LA And took advantage of that fact with lots of PDA*.

CHORUS

Our crew's the Navy's finest, and our reputation's great But when it comes to partying, we really are first-rate! We're sorry for the wreckage and the carnage and the fuss, But Avalon, we're very sure, will long remember us!

CHORUS

A: Public Display of Affection


I see the plague is spreading/

BANNED FROM EGILS Jim Charementaro, Karen Buffum, Dawn Dominey ©1985

When we pulled into Egils, all in need of rest and grub, Our shire set out investigating every tent and pub. We had high expectations of their hospitality, But found Egils was not prepared for tourneyers such as we!

Our king's needs were simple, but his methods were complex We found him with thirteen partners, each of a different class and sex. The B.O.D. was on to him; we rushed to set him free, Intact except for hoofprints, wool and a few kinds of VD

So we're banned from Egils everyone Banned from Egils just for having a little fun. We spent a jolly revel there, for just three days or four Now Egils doesn't want us anymore.

We have a seneschal who is a fighter bold and fine Who gets a bit frustrated with opponents' rhino hide He hits them once, he hits them twice, he gives a mighty whack Finally he takes his shield and breaks it 'cross their back.

One lady loved exotic plants and the plants all loved her, too. She took them to a tournament to see what they would do. A knight stomped and cussed and screamed and swore upon his life That a gang of plants entwined his tent and then seduced his wife.

Chorus

Barbarians would yield to none at putting down the brew. They outdrank all the Guccis and the Varangian Guard, too. The chivalry — well, they didn't win, but they outdrank almost all, And now there is a battle axe through the Crown Pavilion wall.

A group of Highland laddies were out jiggin' on the green They jigged until the wind it caused their kilts to be obscene: Spotted by our ladies who urged them to go on And kept the lads a-jiggin' until the sun was gone.

Chorus

WONDER wHymmittutflumtitIIII


Oy vey, Maria/ Nu, this is how you teach history?

BANNED FROM EGYPT Avram Grumer, 1993

When we moved into Egypt land in search of room to graze, We thought that we would have a place to stay for many days. We had high expectations of their hospitality, But found too late it wasn't geared for Hebrews such as we...

Chorus: And we're leaving Egypt every one; Leaving Egypt 'neath a searing Sinai sun. We made a hasty exit after just a plague or ten, Now Egypt doesn't want us back again.

Our leader's name is Moses; he spent time out in the brush; It's there he had a conversation with a burning bush. Now, just what kind of bush it was is not told in the tale, But I have my suspicions, and I think he did inhale.

Chorus

Moses went to Pharaoh and said "Let my people go," But Pharaoh's heart was hardened, and so he just answered "No." Now, maybe it was God who hardened Pharaoh's heart like that, Dr maybe he just ate too much cholesterol and fat.

Chorus

Moses turned his staff into a serpent just like that, Then two Egyptians did the same; the serpents hissed and spat Till our snake ate the others, just to prove it was a stud. They seemed a lot like lawyers, but with slightly warmer blood.

Chorus

Then there came ten plagues that gave Egyptians quite a scare, With rivers full of blood, and smoke and vermin everywhere, And vicious beasts that roamed the streets; I think it's safe to say It must have been like spending time in New York or L.A.

Chorus

The Pharaoh told us all to leave; his patience was near spent. He sent his army after us to make sure that we went. But then there happened something that left Pharaoh feeling dim: He wishes that he'd taught more of his soldiers how to swim.

Chorus


We left in such a hurry that the bread we baked was flat; Descendants will eat matzo to remind themselves of that. Now we can't help but wonder how things would have been, perchance, If we had been so hurried as to not put on our pants.

Chorus

Our God has been quite good to us, I think I have to say; He led us out of bondage, and He set us on our way. There's none of us who would go back; we don't have to think twice, Except some folks in leather who say bondage sounded nice.

Chorus

I must confess, "'sympathize just a tad.

BANNED FROM ARGO (MIRROR UNIVERSE)

John Creasey

When we pulled into Argo port, demanding some relief, The locals there were all afraid that we would give them grief. The crew went out a-pillaging to every joint and bar. But now they will remember just who really owns that star.

Oh, we're banned from Argo once again; Argo's defenders really thought that they would win. We used our heavy weapons there for just an hour or so, And now there's a burned out cinder down below!

Dave Bell

And so they tried to ban us, but we really didn't care, Their system's now a test range, and their planet isn't there. So if you see us coming there is nothing you can try -- Just put your head between your knees and kiss your *** goodbye.

(And can you imagine any planet succeeding in banning a Federation starship crew in that universe?)

... There was a Borg at the filksing. Sang "Unassimilated from Argo."


After Pennsic War, Estrellas the next biggest annual event in the SCA. It's also the easiest for me to get to, being just half a/7 hour's drive from my little of home /./7 Phoenix. Having been to a few Estrel/as (and Pennsics), I have a sneaking suspicion that all the incidents related here just might be true.

BANNED FROM ESTRELLA loseph of Locksley (Joe Bethancourt)

©1992 W. J. Bethancourt III All rights reserved

Oh, we pulled into Estrella Park, a-lookin' for the War, Then searched 'round for a parking space for sixteen hours or more; So we went to the autocrat, who looked up with a smile, "Okay," she said, "Park over there! It's just three miles away"

And we're banned from Estrella, everyone; Yes, we're banned from Estrella; we just had a little fun. We're gonna have a battle there, for just three days or four, In SunDragon, at the great Estrella War.

We went to the evening's revels, a-following the drums, Lookin' for some Tully Dew; we really wanted some! Along came a bunch of dancers, and they looked mighty keen Alonzo fondled one of them; she was the Outland's Queen! (OOPS!)

Chorus

We saw a bunch of Cavaliers, all dressed in fancy lace With polished boots and perfumed hair, each one a pretty face We thought we'd roust them out a bit; we took off at a run: Hrothgar took a musket ball! Their fops all carry guns!

Chorus

Jane wore Elizabethans, with hoops and lace and all And went off to the Royal tent to join in Giles's Ball The wind came up and knocked us flat; it was an awful sight; Got under poor Jane's hoopskirts, and she took off like a kite!

Chorus

Master Giles was walking 'round, with his fancy hat. Arnulf looked him up and down and exclaimed, "Fancy that! I've traveled this world far and wide, a million miles or more, But a 'Lizabethan Navajo, I have never seen before!"

Chorus

We all took off for Thunder Camp, to listen to the drums And watch the belly dancers where the fiery Ulcer runs Lokisson was sweating hard; his eyes began to gleam. We dropped an ice cube down his pants, and the damn thing turned to steam!

Chorus


I just might take you up on that one/

BANNED FROM FILKING © 1995 by Dr. H. Paul Shuch (email [email protected] )

There always have been melodies that rattle in your brain: The kind you can't stop singing and can drive the dead insane. Now here's a little ditty you can sing whene'er you wish, But every time you do, you will incur the Wrath of Fish.

And we'll be banned from filking everyone, Banned from filking just as soon as this song is done. The melody is way off-key, the lyrics are a bore, And Leslie doesn't like it anymore.

The first time that I heard the tune, it sounded smooth as silk, And tasted quite delicious. It was clearly food for filk. But now I hear it every weekend; what an awful trick At every filk convention. It's enough to make you sick.

CHORUS

The mission Comm Controllers are bewildered once again. They should have known that spacers are all science fiction fen. In shuttle low-Earth orbit or flying to the moon, The astronauts are known to whistle this familiar tune.

CHORUS

In every bardic circle, the parodies abound, And nobody appears to notice just how bad they sound. A bunch of fen assembled them. They thought it would be fun To publish a collection of Argo's Bastard Sons.

CHORUS

The filker Guest of Honor is often Leslie Fish. We've always loved her music, but we have a special wish. We know she has a twelve-string, and she loves to strum and croon. A Pegasus is hers if she'll just write another tune.*

CHORUS

* She already has several. - Maty Creasey


Hmmmmm, I recall that I've been to some of these conventions/

BANNED FROM HILTONS Roberta Rogow

When we go to a Star Trek con to have a little fun, We all descend on some hotel, an unsuspecting one; We have high expectations of their hospitality, But sometimes find they're not prepared for Trekkers such as we!

And we're banned from Hiltons, everyone! Oh yes, we're banned from Hiltons just for having a little fun; We had a great convention here, of just three days or four, But this hotel don't want us anymore!

A New York hotel staff thinks they've seen all there is to see, At least that's what they thought until they looked at Destiny. With Monty Python "silly walkers" filking down the road, And after every costume call, the sinks were green and glowed.

Chorus

The Trekkers hit Atlanta in one-hundred-degree heat. Bill Shatner came and talked to us, and everything looked neat. Then someone with a TV camera let us air our views. Next thing you know, Star Trek Atlanta was the "Evening News!"

Chorus

The Trekkers came to Lansing on a cold and blustery day, And for a while it really looked as if we'd have to stay; The Betamaxes in the lobby running day and night Soon gave us something else to do while waiting for our flight.

Chorus

The August Party graduated to the ivied walls. They had to rent the Sheraton to hold their costume calls. The hotel staff in Silver Spring still suffers from the shock Of seeing half-clad Wookiees, Human Flies and Mr. Spock.

Chorus

We know we're Star Trek's finest, and we also have some pride, But when we play we tend to leave a trail a mile wide. We're sorry for the wreckage and the riot and the fuss. You can be sure that those hotels will long remember us!

Chorus


BANNED FROM PENNSIC Bruce Webb, ska Lord Mikal Ironhawk

about how the writer and some of his local shire fought at Pennsic 19 as the Midrealm Royal Navy

Ye gods, now it's spreading backwards in time/ Where's Doctor Who when we need him?!

When we pulled into Cooper's Lake for the Pennsic War, The crew set out investigating parties near and far We had high expectations of their hospitality But found too late that they weren't geared for sailors such as we.

Chorus: And we're banned from Pennsic everyone, Banned from Pennsic just for havin' a little fun We had a jolly shore leave there, just a week or so, But Pennsic doesn't want us anymore

Our Admiral is somewhat obsessed with equipment to impress The ladies and the Royalty, with methods most complex We found him next to Cooper's Lake where he had gone to play, Firing lime green Jell-O balls from a homemade trebuchet. CHORUS

Our Captain is a ladies' man and a bard of some renown He disappeared, guitar and all, while strolling round the town. Security laid hands on him for singing things obscene Concerning Scotsmen, rubber sheets, sheep and kingdom Queens. CHORUS

Our scout, he is a Viking lad who roams both near and far To satisfy a range of tastes that are a bit bizarre We sold him to the Horde one day to dampen down his pride, But when we got him back, he had a smile a mile wide. CHORUS

Our archers, they will yield to none when putting down the brew They outdrank seven Easterners and — (spoken) the Outlandish Trolling Engineering Expeditionary PARTY crew. The boasting it grew greater with tales of lovers and the dead Until the Ninja came and booby-trapped the Admiral's head. CHORUS

A lady is our camp mistress and usually calm of voice I'll Duchess Illisa's lemonade became her drink of choice She spent her time in Merides with drinks of glowing green And now she has decided that she just has to be Queen. CHORUS

Our Navigator claimed there was no way he could get lost And said he would defend his claim no matter what the cost He set out thru the fog one night to cruise the dark and damp And now there is a rowboat in the Eastern Royal Camp. CHORUS

A Gang of Tuchux landed and announced that they were there, But soon became bewildered that nobody seemed to care They ran into 'bout half our crew who invited them to play The Tuchux took one look at them, then turned and ran away. CHORUS

Our crew is Midrealm's finest, and our record is our pride, But when we play, we tend to leave a trail a mile wide We're sorry about the worry and the wreckage and the fuss. At least we're sure that twelve Kingdoms won't be soon forgetting us. CHORUS


I could swear I've been to that war. Isn't that the one where I won my way into the Tuchux camp by singing the Wowin' Nose Blues'?

BANNED FROM PENNSIC Brynna of Aelfstanbury (Barbara Bowen)

Our ships pulled into Cooper's Lake all ready for the War Then we set out to have some fun but went a bit too far. We'd heard of lots of stories true and lies both great and small, And we all swore before we left that we would top them all.

Chorus: And we're banned from Pennsic, every one. Banned from Pennsic, just for having a little fun. We took a merry seven days to fight a weekend war, And now no kingdom wants us anymore.

Our Seneschal's a dancer who would grace a sultan's court. The Mid-Realm king, he hired her to provide morale support. But when she entertained the troops, they clean forgot the war. They yelled, "To hell with Pittsburgh! This is what we're fighting for!"

Chorus

Our Herald loves to go to war -- and dance and sing all night, 'hen get up in the morning by the dawn's most early light.

She woke our fighters early with a cheery, bright "Oyez!" As well as one hung-over king who slept three camps away.

Chorus

We're proud of our Exchequer, though a tightwad she may be. Her scheme for making money even impressed the B.O.D. She came home with a pile of cash clutched tightly in her fist. She said she'd sold the Autocrat some land in Trimaris.

Chorus

Our Knight Marshall was falling sick, and so he could not fight. When asked if he would Marshall, he said he'd do all right. But when upon the battlefield, he began to sneeze and cough. Both armies charged because they thought the cannon had gone off.

Chorus


Our shire's come to be well-known for hospitality. Our Hospitalers' tent could neatly hold a barony. In fact, a Baron came one night and wandered in alone. We didn't find him `til next week, when we unpacked at home.

Chorus

Our Chirurgeon's an herbalist who makes up his own brew. We never know what's in it, or just what the stuff may do. And thus his patients were surprised -- and somewhat taken back --To learn that his cough syrup was an aphrodisiac.

Chorus

Our drunken Bard is very fond of sampling bizarre brew. He went out every night at Pennsic, drinking something new. One night we sought him, fearing that he'd passed out on the road, But found him at the Masked Ball -- wearing just a mask and woad.

Chorus

Our newest member got involved in the Celtic Cattle Raid. He was successful every time, and quite well he got paid --Until the night he stole a sheep whose fleece was curly black. It seems he fell in love with her and wouldn't give her back.

Chorus

One night our lords held revel, and they thought they'd have some fun. And so they sent a message out to ask both Hordes to come. The Hordesmen brought their koumiss, and they came all set to play — `Tit they saw what we were drinking. Then they turned and ran away.

Chorus

Our ladies weren't to be outdone, and so they held a ball; But they invited Tuchux to come party, one and all. What happened to those Tuchux lads no one will know for sure, But next day all our ladies wore cloaks all trimmed with fur.

Chorus

What really ticked off Autocrat and Kings and Queens and Peers --Enough to make them banish us for the next hundred years -- Was that what with all the scandal and the riots and the fun, It seemed nobody noticed if the East or Middle won.

Chorus


Yo-ho-ho/ fa' heard jokes about out-of-work KGB spooks peddling State secrets on the street corners, but I never expected they'd wind up in ARGO! Heh-heh/ What a well-earned fate.

BANNED FROM RUSSIA Gary McGath

This country was the nicest place where we could hope to be. We had the army on our side and had the KGB. Then we woke up one morning, and it was all turned around. Our Party, once so powerful, is driven underground.

And now we're - Banned from Russia, every one. Banned from Russia, just for having a little fun. We had a jolly Party there for threescore ten and four But Russia doesn't want us anymore.

We made their choices easy since of parties there was one. No Democrat, Republican or Libertarian. When life can be so simple, why should anyone complain, Especi'lly when a Gulag home is all you have to gain?

But now we're - CHORUS

The USSR has dissolved; it's gone from bad to worse. To call someone a Communist has now become a curse. We want some comrades who respect the struggle of the class, And so we're going to emigrate and move to Cambridge, Mass.

Because we're - CHORUS

SICK OF ARGO Charlotte (Jerscheid) Marek

And we're sick of "Argo" ev'ryone, "Banned from Argo" has gone on for far too long. Leslie Fish is sorry that she wrote the doggone song, 'Cause "Argo" has a life now of its own.

We hear "Banned from Argo" ev'rywhere. "Banned from Argo," don't they ever come up for air? It started as a jolly song, 'twas pleasant to the ear, But "Banned from Argo" has been banned from here.

[I wonder why]

AMEN/


Ye gods, now it's spreading to the biker subculture/ Marc of buddy, how coal dyou., Do these poor innocent bikers know what they're in for now?

BANNED FROM STURGIS Mark V. Ridenour

When we rode into Sturgis town in need of R&R, Our hardy crew proceeded to wreck every joint and bar! We had high expectations of their hospitality, But found too late it wasn't geared for bikers such as we.

Now we're banned from Sturgis, every one! Banned from Sturgis just for havin' a little fun! We had a jolly time there, just three days or four But now Sturgis doesn't want us anymore!

Our president would yield to none when putting down the brew. He outdrank seven Fleet Marines and a Navy SEAL crew. Our secretary didn't win, but he outdrank almost all, Which is why he rode his Harley right through City Hall.

CHORUS

Our chaplain loves humanity. His private life is quiet. The city cops arrested him for inciting whores to riot. When at last we from the city jail bailed him free, The charges included nailing tarred and feathered pimps to a tree!

CHORUS

Our hacker king proceeded to win a run-wide bet By breaking into every local computer net. Now every time someone boots up a computer screen, Their flesh is there, but the clothes they wear are nowhere to be seen.

CHORUS

Our gardener loves exotic plants, and the plants all love him, too. He took some on the run with him to see what they would do. The mayor came down to our camp and swore upon his life That a gang of plants entwined his house and then seduced his wife!

CHORUS

As part of our community service, we must apologize thus: We're sorry about the wreckage and the riots and the fuss. Please forgive us for disturbing your domestic tranquility, But we're absolutely certain you'll remember us for eternity!

CHORUS


Oy, S.C.A. famish politics too?! At /east Scadians can depose pushy rulers by going after them with rattan swords/

BANNED FROM SEAGIRT Linnet Kestrel and Klaus von Winterbach*

When barbarous invaders threatened Seagirt's hallowed halls, The council formed committees to reinforce the walls. We duly carried out the task, but found on our return, They'd branded us as traitors and sentenced us to burn!

Chorus: And we're banned from Seagirt, one and all Banned from Seagirt, for promoting vitriol. We thought we'd paid our dues by now; it's been ten years or more. But Seagirt don't want newbies anymore.

Caterina and Tomasso once held the Catford Fair. She built the Seagirt garderobe, a gift to Clinton War. Then came the day they asked for aid, as fealty does swear, And Crown Prince Barak banished them, aye, shot the messenger. CHORUS

Eduardo is a peacock; he wears flash Italian Ren. We made him our ambassador, 'cause he's Machiavellian ;. When his apprentice needed help, he promised to protect _Jut Maudlin disagreed with him, and now he's a reject. CHORUS

A wheeler-dealer of the best is Aristophanes. As long as there's no questions asked, he'll find you what you please. But Maudlin only wants him gone. She didn't think it fun When he told her how Gudliefsen could count to twenty-one*** CHORUS

There's Lady Emma de Mortain and Edrid brave, her lord, And to incorporate she took a seat upon the board. They said it was an evil plot, this newbie would be boss! She said her piece and went away - our gain is Seagirt's loss. CHORUS

MacKenzie is our armourer; there's no more worthy man. He's a Persian Celt from Saxony who grew up in Japan. He once was shy and quiet until Maudlin got his goat, And he stormed out of the council room before the crucial vote. CHORUS

aka Barbara Gordon and Nick Welch ** Madeline's lord (Ari Gudliefsen) was hitting on Eduardo's apprentice, so he told him to back off and leave her alone. Madeline later told Eduardo that he wasn't a Seagirtian anymore. *** Aristophanes commented on Ari's abilities as Exchequer by saying that he couldn't count to 21 without

--unzipping his fly.


Toshiro of the Heike clan, he's Lady Bolverk's squire, And by his skill with Daffodil* made money for the shire Until he'd had it up to here with dirty politics. His message to the Powers That Be was "What you fucked, YOU fix!" CHORUS

It was Master Mark der Gaukler that founded Silver Whale, Was Seneschal and Sciences, at demos never failed. But they won't print his last farewell: such words just don't belong Or could be they already know they're doing it all wrong!** CHORUS

Linnet Kestrel is a bard who founded SST She can sing five melodies at once, each in a different key. Seagirt's slate of officers was shocked beyond belief To learn she didn't want to live in Cathal's private fief. CHORUS

A fencer and a marshall and a belly-dancer yet, Aurora (Mistress of the Dark) is one you can't forget. And if you try, she'll track you down and make your life a hell. We have her aimed away from us; we're doing pretty well! CHORUS

Here's Duncan, a MacQuarrie, yet another Seneschal. A mountain-high of paperwork won't trouble him at all. Although he loved his native land, he loved his honour more And so he came to bid farewell to Seagirt's stormy shore. CHORUS

Once Beatrice was but a waif and now she's draped in lace And for a year as Mistress of the Lists she took her place. They'll have to weave Arachne's Web*** without her subtle thread, For she has gone to Salio**** where all the rest have fled. CHORUS

We once were Seagirt's finest, and our deeds were Seagirt's pride. You'll find that our departure leaves a hole a mile wide. Let Cathal Sean O'Connlauin and his minions all beware. If Seagirt ever needs us, we'll make sure we won't be there.

Chorus:: So we're banned from Seagirt one and all Banned from Seagirt for promoting vitriol***** We thought we paid our dues by now; it's been ten years or more. But Seagirt don't want newbies anymore.

the big event, tourney and feast We say this is Mark's motto: "I suppose you know you're doing that all wrong?" lacemaker's guild name of the dissident group is Latin for International House of Pancakes or for short, "Salio," Latin for IHOP (I hop) a quote from the Seneschal: "I will not support those who promote vitriol."


Oh no, not Xmas Argo/ Now have nightmares about strolling through a shopping mall during the holidays and hearing the Muzak shift to an all-too-familiar tune...

BANNED TO EGYPT Gary McGath, ©1994

Music: Blessed are those who have to ask, for they have hitherto received mercy.

This seasonal filk is partly inspired by Avram Grumer's "Banned from Egypt," about the Exodus. Consider it my revenge on all the restaurants and shopping malls which play endless Xmas carols in December.

"0 little town of Bethlehem, how still we see thee lie. Above thy deep and dreamless sleep the silent stars go by." But we rode into Bethlehem and couldn't find a room, While Mary had a kid who was about to leave the womb.

And now we're banned to Egypt, every one. Banned to Egypt, just for having a little Son. We just dropped in to pay our tax, for just three days or four, But Herod doesn't want us any more.

Our room was hardly fancy but was stable as could be; We somehow found a midwife to perform delivery. I've heard of children born in cauls or bearing birthmarks red, But he's the only boy I've seen with a halo on his head!

CHORUS

ime shepherds came and told us that the child was heaven-blessed; We thanked them and requested that they leave and let us rest. But later, eastern wizards came, and they caused quite a stir, Delivering a pile of gifts like incense, gold and myrrh.

CHORUS

Then Herod called those wise guys in and ordered them to talk; They told him that a king was born, and he went into shock. He gave his soldiers orders, in a rage that was profound, To strangle every infant in the land that could be found.

CHORUS

The friendly old innkeeper said it wasn't safe to stay, So we joined with a caravan and got the hell away. We'd heard how Moses once had fought to let his people go, But if the choice was Herod, then we'd rather have Pharaoh.

CHORUS

Our Jesus is the finest, and we think of him with pride, But for some reason we don't know, the king hopes that he's died. We're hiding in the Sinai from the murders and the fuss, And only pray that Herod will have soon forgotten us.

CHORUS


You know you've made it when your Star Trek fi/ksong makes the crossing a// the way to the S.C.A. Arrrgh, forsooth/

[Not once but several times. -- Mary Creasey]

BOUND FOR PENNSIC © 1989 Justin du Coeur (Mark Waks)

Oh, we pulled into Cooper's Lake, a-lookin' for the War, Then searched 'round for a camping space for sixteen tents or more; So we went to the autocrat, who looked up with a smile, "Okay," she said, "set them right there, in a fifty-foot-tall pile!"

And we're bound for Pennsic, everyone; Yes, we're bound for Pennsic, just to have us a little fun. We're gonna have a battle there, for just three days or four, At Cooper's Lake, at the great Pennsic War.

We had a mighty fighter, who was powerful indeed. He lacked only one skill: he never learned quite how to read. He died amongst the leeches from a tragical mistake; His tombstone reads: "Here lies a knight, consumed by Cooper's Lake".

Our brewer loves to party; he's a gallivanter true. But he vanished Friday night, and we don't know what we should do: The Midrealm's claiming we're unfair at how we win our fights, With bottles flying out of trees and knocking out their knights!

Now, Art went to the swimming hole, to cool off in the shade; A maid rose from the waters, and she gave to him a blade. So Arthur took the sword from her but hasn't fought again — He's scared to be seen dueling with a weapon named "Smurfbane"...

Our banner bearer Bob's a loyal soldier, there's no doubt, But when he's in the woods, he doesn't know his North from South; We told him, "Guard the banner", but we didn't know the cost —We sent him in on Friday; it's now Sunday — he's still lost.

We are the finest in the East, a fighting band elite; Our knights are strong, our ladies fair, our scouts are fleet of feet; But now we're missing fourteen men and nearly half our gear; Not bad, I guess — we'll see if it's more interesting next year!


SEA vs. Beverly Hillbillies? Wow, I want the popcorn concession for that fight.

THE "BOUND FOR ARGO" SUITE Paul Willett ©1982

to the tunes of: "The Beverly Hillbillies" Theme and "Banned from Argo"

Come and listen, let me tell ya 'bout a man named Tzed. A poor privateer, barely kept his engines fed. But then one day he was starin' at the tube. He saw a TV show 'bout a starship crew .. .

spoken (Dimwits, all of them. Every time they'd take someone on board, they'd let him steal their ship out from under them.)

Well the next thin' you know, old Tzed's got a plan To foster some free enterprise and take her on the lam. He told his crew his idea and they thought it really fun Especially after watching more old reruns.

(Tzed knew what he wanted, but he had to find it first. Searched high and low, till at last he heard that they were on shore leave.)

And we're bound for Argo and some fun. Bound for Argo, steal a starship and then we'll run That starship crew we'll keep for ransom, charge the fen a fee So that they can get them back in time for movie three.

Elly May: (very obviously pregnant; not as innocent as she looks)

I entertained a Vulcan on his stretch of R&R How was Ito know he'd go and break into pon farr? Now I'll have a Vulcan brat. My parents are in shock. To raise the kid I'll use a baby book by Mr. Spock.

Cousin Clem: (a scraggly rabble-rouser, frequents bars and brothels)

I hear they've got a doctor who I think I'd like to meet, But when we do, he'd surely better be fast on his feet. Our families go back quite a-ways, to Terra's early fame 'Cause I'm a Hatfield, all McCoys are always open game!

Becky Sue: (late teens, infatuated, a man-trap, not too bright)

Watching SF movies day and night keeps me amused, But keeping track of characters, I get a bit confused. I love the strong and daring types, those scruffy heroes true, So when we dock I'm going to thaw out Ensign Han Sulu


Gramps: (wizened patriarch, a little "teched" in the head)

I fought them Rooskie devils in the year of ninety-five. I won't be satisfied until there ain't no more alive. This navigator "Boris" thinks he's bad enough for three. We'll fight a duel and, if I win, it's Godunov for me.

Captain Tzed: (imagine Rodney Dangerfield as a starship captain)

When we pulled into Argo Port, I sent my son to search For members of that starship crew - we'd throw them in the lurch. He came back with their captain brave, whose name I thought was 'Brad.' My son just shook his head and sighed. Said he, "He's Jim, dad."*

* And if you're rash enough to stand still and try to sing the chorus again, you deserve to be hit by whatever gets thrown at you.

Be warned Be very warned

GHOST FILKERS Larry D. Kirby, III

to the tune of "Ghost Riders in the Sky"

A neo filker wandered to the lobby Sunday night The con was finally over, not a trufan was in sight When all at once a ghostly ring of filkers he did spy And as they circled by him, he heard their mournful cry:

Chorus: Banned from Argo...Banned from Argo Ghost filkers at the con

Their strings were all on fire, and their picks were made of steel Kazoos were black and shiny, and their boredom he could feel A bolt of fear went through him as his future he could see, Condemned to sing that stupid song, throughout eternity

Chorus

As the filkers circled round him, he heard one call his name "If you want to save your soul from hell, a-filking in our ring Then, neo, change your repertoire; don't play that song again, Or else you'll wind up just like us, accursed by all trufen."

Chorus


THE CHASE Scorpia

vaguely to the tune of "Golden Eyes" The idea for this song came to me after listening to "They're Singing BFA," "Rampage," and "Filk of

the Nightmare" back to back (enough to melt what's left of anyone's mind).

Great Ghu, this actually happened at a Time Con some five years back..../fs I recall, I escaped

when the circuit breaker cut out, and I fled under cover of darkness.

A filker in the smoky bar, a trill of song above the stein A trill of song from brew-oiled throat and a dozen-stringed guitar. This the clue the neos find, and now they set their Fish-ing line, But she has seen them so she screams, and then she runs like hell.

Faster than a bug, she flits and seeks another bar to sit, But they are quickly on her track and half a chord behind. She hears the horde out in the streets and, looking past her Tully, sees They view her through the window. She fears the neo kind.

So now she sobers up a bit, recalls the tricks she has to dodge, These silly neo-filker twits to shake them off her tail. Through hotel rooms, through tavern doors, ducking, guzzling, on all fours, She sneaks in back, behind the pack, but all her efforts fail.

They stand before her, firm and grim. A shiver runs through her torso. They block the only doorway out, and they want "Banned from Argo." Her long locks shaking in dismay, half-piffled there, she stands and sways. To either side, a neo tide; it's time to sing or die.

But what is this? To her delight, the hotel shuts down for the night. The rooms are closed; the con hall locked. They must vacate the place. So as they move to turn and leave, she gives thanks for this reprieve. She shuts her eyes, sits down and sighs, a smile upon her face.

The great Fish they have sought in vain, and now the talk at filker cons Is of a canny piscine pro and a night none will forget. Who once has heard her near or far, on stage or in smoky bar: She sings her songs the whole night long, but she's not done "Argo" yet.


Third generation Argo?! The /mho' boggles. I can a/ready imagine the Voyager mission

DEEP SPACE ARGO Larry Kirby

The month was January, Stardate nineteen ninety-three We got to watch a brand-new show premiere on our T. V. When Deep Space Nine appeared, you knew it'd happen all too soon: Some jerk would write a filk about it to this tired old tune

CHORUS: And we're ripping Argo off again Ripping Argo off, it ought to be a sin To never hear this tune again would be a futile wish Whatever you do, don't tell Leslie Fish

The commander of the station doesn't like Jean-Luc Picard To meet the Captain face to face was really very hard But he must forgive the Captain for the show to work Else twenty million Trekkers will think Sisko is a jerk

CHORUS

A Bajoran major is the station's chief exec Finally there is a good strong woman on Star Trek She's forceful and intelligent and has an active mind And doesn't dress to show us all her legs, boobs or behind

CHORUS

The son of the commander seems to be a nice young man He is there for the younger set; that seems to be the plan But if he starts to outshine all the women and the men, We'll know he's fated to be Wesley Crusher's evil twin

CHORUS

The station has a shapeshifter; he runs Security He can be anything he wants; he could be you or me But I must admit that I am frightened through and through To think that Odo just might be a Terminator, too

CHORUS

Next comes the station's doctor, he's intelligent and kind When danger threatens, he's right there; he doesn't seem to mind He has a grin just like a cat awaiting mice to pounce And the actor who does play him has a name I can't pronounce

CHORUS

Of all the people on the station, one is really weird Although they say she is no danger, nothing to be feared She's lovely and intelligent and makes the Doctor glad She's handy with computers, hell, for a slug she's not too bad

CHORUS


Miles O'Brien transferred from the starship Enterprise Jean Luc was sad to see him go; you saw it in his eyes But Miles he has a wife and child, he knew just what to do

--- 'Cause now he gets star billing and the money's better, too CHORUS

Quark is a Ferengi, and he runs the local bar He's ugly as a possum, and his ears stick out too far He likes the Major even though she is not of his race But she would rather have a Klingon sit upon her face

CHORUS

This song it will not be the best you hear on Deep Space Nine But I am rather proud of it because the damn thing's mine And throughout Star Trek fandom my poor name it will be cursed But I don't care because my Deep Space parody came first.

Ye gods, gods, I've eaten these damn things and never made the connection.

[See your introduction.... That's where you got the name. But I can see why you'd want to forget everything you could about the song. -- Mary Creasey]

CANNED BY ARGO Major Matt Mason

As I went down the grocer's aisles in search of stuff to eat Like tater chips and onion dips and potted luncheon meat I wandered past the veggie shelves; a label caught my eye I hoisted green beans in the air and gave a joyous cry

'Cause they were Canned by Argo, every one Canned by Argo, now I'm having some cheap fun I didn't buy the ShopRite out Just got three cans or four So buy some Argo beans down at that store.

I took the beans back to my place and put 'em on a plate Two minutes thirty in the nuke and, boy, did they taste great! 1 saved the label from the can to prove my tale was so I plan to give it to Ms. Fish and lookit Leslie go!

'Cause they're.... Beans by Argo, every one Beans by Argo, now I'm having some cheap fun I didn't buy the ShopRite out Just got three cans or four So buy some Argo beans down at that store.

(Popeye spinach too.)


Oy, naw we're corrupting ETSI ..Hmm, there's a story in that-- Imagine: ET saucer-abductors make the mistake of picking on a fdA'er. He/She takes up the guitar and sings 8f4. Submit theories on how the ETs react!

EARLY ONE MORNING Carol Kabakjian

to the tune of "Early One Morning"

Early one morning, as I was getting out of bed. I saw a clear blue sky turn a fiery red. "Oh, NO!," I was moaning, "Our world's exploding! This is the end and we'll all soon be dead!"

Then I looked out the door, and there I saw the strangest sight: A spaceship sat there in my yard, gleaming in the light. My fear was growing. A door was opening. Four BEMs got off the ship; they gave me quite a fright.

I gathered my courage to face this threat from outer space. I. knew I must defeat them to save the human race. Quaking, I neared them - with a simple stratagem; To bribe them any way I could and make them leave our place.

When one held up a strange device, I thought my life was at an end. Then it said, "Please don't fear us; we want you as our friend." The device the alien bore - was a translator, nothing more. The message that they gave me, to you I will extend.

(spoken): They said:

to the tune of "Banned from Argo"

"We're the Band from Argo. Yes, we are. Throughout the Milky Way, you know, we are a star. We've come to play and sing for you for just three days or four." "Huh, then we probably won't want them anymore."


I was once lured into an "Eye of Argon" reading, and couldn't get throe-vh half a page of

reading that thing aloud without cracking up. This was a charity event, so every time a reader

broke down ROFLing, s/he had to pay a dollar. I think we raised POO for the charity before we got all the way through. Yea, verify, it's that bad/

EYE OF ARGON: the filksong by Lee Gold (all misspellings intentionally copied from the story; "diety" should be properly mispronounced).

The nobles of Simaria all wanted Grignr dead; He'd unleashed throngs of havoc until they were seeing red. A squad of soldiers tounced on him, but Grignr still survived. Escaped across a barren land where rats led dismal lives.

CHORUS: Oh, the Eye of Argon's quite a sight. The Eye of Argon -- with its many faucets bright. It's a giant scarlet emerald that's a mighty idol's eye. The story makes fen laugh until they cry.

When he arrived in Gorzom, Grignr found a tavern door; A slender female he soon eyed, his choice of all the whores. Stringy orchid twines of hair and firm protruding busts And a nose both lithe and opaque -- she really was hot stuff! CHORUS

The female eyed his stalwart form, and she was much allured. He only wore a loincloth brandishing a long broad sword.

They soon embraced each other, but some drunken soldiers came. -heir challenge lit up Grignr's eyes to a searing feral flame. CHORUS

Grignr killed a soldier but was captured at long last And marched through slinking alleyways to where their ruler sat. "You're a fool with a fat belly!" That's what Our Brave Hero said. The noble's face flushed white, then paled to a lustrous cherry red. CHORUS

They threw Grignr in a dungeon cell where it was stygian black. Beady grey eyes glazed at him: he faced a giant rat! He tore it head from torso, then he honed a bone in haste And concealed it in the G-string that was wrapped around his waist. CHORUS

Meanwhile the girl Carthenia was feeling very faint. She was ringed by leering shamen, shaved heads spread with bright orange paint. All robed in purple satin, they were quite a sight to fear: Bare feet in plush red slippers tipped with golden pointed spheres. CHORUS

A shaman kissed Carthenia with decrepid dull red lips. She regurgitated on him, then she leashed a desperate kick, Right between his testicles. He howled in misery: "How could you dare such blasphemy before our diety?" CHORUS

So much for chapters one through five, and here I'll end my song. To tell the final chapters would just take me much too long. I won't reveal the story's end. So if you really care,

—Qo find a copy at a con, and read it if you dare. CHORUS


FILK "BANNED FROM ARGO" Harry Smothers

to the tune of "Waltzing Matilda" Copyright ©1995 (2/6) by Gerald L. Bliss.

The first line is stolen from M. Mitchell Marmel (aka Major Matt Mason), with permission granted after-the-act. Usual Disclaimer applies.

Ye gods, this 45 a fi/k upon a fa of a fi/ksong./ Talk about musical incest/

Once a jolly filker, perpetrating persiflage Counted the Fish songs, one, two, and three {thousand} And he sang as he strummed up yet another minor key {A minor, of course} Who'll come and filk "Banned From Argo" with me?

Chorus: Filk "Banned from Argo", filk "Banned From Argo", Who'll come and filk "Banned From Argo" with me? And we sang as we sat and perpetrated persiflage, Who'll come and filk "Banned From Argo" with me?

Up popped Kanefsky, grinning with a pagan muse, Made fire-breathing the thing to do in G And he hung Danny Deever once again, in Argo-Land, Filked "Banned From Argo" and ran off with glee

Chorus

Claire, Kay, and Major Matt all joined in the festival NextGens and Con songs came eventually And we sang, and we groaned, and we wrote more than we'll ever know. How did she write "Banned From Argo" in G?

Chorus

Now Mary Creasey has the lot to straighten up. What she'll dub "bastards" we'd all love to see But we'll read it, and weep, and perform each song (if Leslie's gone); Who'll come and filk "Banned From Argo" with me?

Chorus


I love 1W Kill the Elephants -- and remember that wars aren't won by tech a/one.

THE FITHP INVASION SONG Carol Phillips and Judy Craft

based on Footfall by Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle

We came into Terran space to land and colonize. We told the humans to submit, so few would have to die. We had high expectations of an easy victory: We had high ground and, most of all, the best technology.

Oh, we're banned from Terra evermore, Banned from Terra just for starting a little war. We gave to them the option to surrender and not die, But Terra doesn't want us. Wonder why?

Our invasion plans were simple: we decided to bombard. With all those asteroids around, it wasn't very hard To knock out bridges, airports, roads, and certain factories. It wouldn't take us very long to bring them to their knees.

Oh, we're banned from Terra evermore, Banned from Terra just for starting a little war. We scoured near-Earth space for rocks most suited to our need. To stand against us, they'd be fools indeed.

We sent jump troops to Kansas, where we won the Jayhawk war. This was just the first step, but it opened up the door. We captured members of their herd to study them alive. We knew we had to learn their tricks before our plans could thrive.

Oh, we're banned from Terra evermore, Banned from Terra just for starting a little war. A human would submit to us, then turn around and fight; To keep them down would take all of our might.

Who could fight a herd of rogues? Who would even try? How did they work together? How did they learn to fly? They learned to build atomic bombs, a miracle it seems; For Rogues to thus cooperate is way beyond our dreams.

Oh, we're banned from Terra evermore, Banned from Terra just for starting a little war. We made the trip from Saturn 'cause we wanted better land. On human nature we had never planned.

We had no real conception of their ingenuity, They seemed to have no honor, they were filled with treachery. They hid their bombs in hospitals; in many ways they lied.

nd when they launched Archangel, defeat was in their sky.


Oh, we're banned from Terra evermore, Banned from Terra just for starting a little war. We thought it would be easy, but it turned out really poor. There's no room for us on Terra anymore.

We finally knew that we had lost; we gave in to our fate. The Archangel was closing fast; it soon would be too late. We gave their leaders promise of an interstellar drive, If they would please just let us go, and leave this place alive.

Oh, we're banned from Terra evermore, Banned from Terra just for starting a little war. 'Cause the humans, they defeated us in just three months or four, We cannot stay on Terra anymore.

What a shame!

Gawwwd, I wish I had a dollar for every time I've been asked for it/

BANNED FROM ARGO AGAIN © 1994 by W. Scott "Cosmo" Snyder

to the tune of "Lodi" by Creedence Clearwater Revival

G C G Sittin' in a bardic circle, just two more before I go.

Em I was thinkin' of my next song: could be fast or could be slow. D Em Came around to the new guy; did he say what I think he said?

D C G Oh Lord, "Banned From Argo" again!

Nineteen years ago, when Leslie wrote this song, It dealt with sex and Star Trek, so it couldn't go half wrong But years went by, and the filkers tired of the song that they once called friend. Oh Lord, "Banned From Argo" again!

At Westercon they had the answer; Lee let everybody know: Saturday at 7:00 we'll all sing "Argo." Don't ask for it any other time; you should have read the rules. Oh Lord, "Banned From Argo" again!

Wish I had a silver dollar for every time it's sung. Every time a new fan asks, just to have the whole room groan. So I had to write this parody, but at least I changed the tune. Oh Lord, "Banned From Argo" again!


Great Ghu, not illt.:qan room/ In wartime, these things are called atrocities!!/

FILKING ARGO Charlotte (Jerscheid) Marek

(tune: Banned from Argo, you'll see why I reminded you in a second)

(Note: I'm not sure if the first verse is copyrighted, so I'm not posting all the words.... You can fill in the blanks)

Just sit right back and trip That started from this ship. The mate was sure. Five passengers set tour.

And we're filking Argo ev'ry day! Overdosed on Fish and lovin' it just that way. Oh, we are all just Happy Meals, and short a couple fries... Now Gilligan is on the Enterprise.

Well, Uncle Jed and Granny dear and Mr. Drysdale, too Would like to join with me in sending this "Hello" to you: You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality.

And we're filking Argo ev'ry day! Overdosed on Fish and lovin' it just that way. Oh, we are all just Happy Meals, and short a couple fries... Now Elly May is on the Enterprise.

Oh, it's not easy filking other people's tunes, it's true, But we would like to find more TV shows to fill our crew. If anyone knows any TV themes that fit our song, Just let us know, we'll write a verse, and you can sing along.

And we're filking Argo ev'ry day! Overdosed on Fish and lovin' it just that way. Oh, we are all just Happy Meals, and short a couple fries... Now anyone can board the Enterprise.


This is what I get (poetic justice?) for fi/king ,Tatty Groves./

LIKE A TRIBBLE TO THE SLAUGHTER Joel Polowin Copyright 1994 (with apologies to Frank Hayes, and ducking La Fish) Permission is hereby granted to reproduce this material in any non-profit medium

provided that its content is not altered and that this notice is appended.

I would appreciate receiving a copy of any publication in which it appears: Joel Polowin / 205 Toronto St. / Kingston, Ontario / CANADA / K71, 4A9

A while ago, there was a song written about Star Trek. It became immensely popular, and like many popular songs, it got played so much that everybody got really tired of it, especially the song's author. In fact, the only way that most people can stand to cope with it at all now is if it's tightened up a lot, some of the more disposable parts left out, and performed In some unusual way.

Say, talking blues?

When we pulled into Argo port in need of rest and rec, Our crew spread out and commandeered each joint and holodeck. We had a heaping helping of their hospitalitee, But soon found out they weren't cut out to cope with such a spree.

Now, in the interests of brevity, I'll omit the part where the command crew fulfil their mandate of maintaining friendly relations with the local inhabitants. All 47 verses of it.

A gang of pirates landed then, and no one seemed to mind; They wandered round to see what entertainment they could find. Our crew invited all of 'em to set and drink a bit,

But the pirates only looked at us, then turned and said,

"Ooohhhh, SHIT."

Our crew is Starfleet's best, and though that isn't saying much, Our exploits have been sung in English, Urdu, Greek and Dutch. We're starting to suspect it's not the damage that they fear, But all the bloody songs of us that they don't want to hear!

Now, the moral of the song is: Be friendly.

And if you can't be friendly, be popular.

And if you can't be popular, try not to be so catchy, huh?


Inevitably, somebody had to go bock to the original Argo legend

MEDEA'S CURSE Maureen S. O'Brien

Inspired by the Greek legends of the Argonauts, Jason, Medea, and the ship Argo (which was once a constellation).

Rejoice, you sand-blind Argo! It's Medea here again -- You know, the lesser prize your captain Jason came to win? The gods will place you in the stars. I will not fight their will. But first of all, I'll place a curse you're fated to fulfill.

Chorus: And I curse you, Argo, evermore! Curse you, Argo! You brought me to this shore, And brought me faithless Jason when on wine-dark seas you roamed --But, Argo, you would never bring me home.

In Colchis, life was boring, and I learned my Art in peace, Until I met with Jason, searching for our Golden Fleece. When Jason smiled, then suddenly I could not be afraid To betray my land, my pet, my king -- but myself I betrayed.

Chorus

My old life gone, I risked the new to bear him two brave sons; But when Greek kings offered daughters, he forgot the deeds I'd done. With spells of skill and sorcery which dared to challenge Fate, I killed my sons to kill his bride -- betrayed my life for hate.

Chorus

Now fast the Furies follow me -- the fate that I would choose. To me, they are the Kindly Ones. I've no life left to lose. You always were unlucky for your passengers and crew. But you'll have less, after this curse - you'll kill your captain, too!

Chorus

BANNED FROM ARGO - NEW VERSE Keith Wood — this is one I wrote some 15 years ago:

Well, Riley's quite a singer, though there's some who'd say I'm wrong; He's Starfleet's finest filker — if he skips a certain song .. . They got him drunk and hooked him into every telescreen, And now there'll never be another girl there named Kathleen!

6rrr/ Beware, Keith! I now live in the same state as you, and there ain't no gun control laws here!


And now we get into las on the bleeping tune as well as the words/ This has got to be a fandom first. 5tilljudging by the first verse, I'm willing to proclaim that Kay Shapero is a telepath.

MOVE OVER, DR. FRANKENSTEIN Kay Shapero ©1991

Tunes: verses - various; chorus - "Banned from Argo"

(To "Banned From Argo", by Leslie Fish) When Leslie Fish composed a Trek song, it sure caught on quick. The fans requested it so much it near made Leslie sick. She asked them all to cool it and she hoped that it was gone, But thanks to tape the neos still request it at each con.

CHORUS (Banned From Argo) And it's move over, Dr. Frankenstein The monster you created isn't half as big as mine I wrote a simple filksong; turned it loose for all to see And now the spin-offs nearly bury me!

(To "Fuel to Feed the Drive", by Cynthia McQuillin) And none will soon forget all the things that came to pass From Cynthia McQuillin's tale of spacers out of gas If spaceships ran on songs, the Borman's Fate would surely thrive Upon this massive diet, of filks to feed the drive

CHORUS

(To "Whisky in the Jar" as per Harold Groot's "Baby Vampire Boogie") This song at first seemed safe but now we've seen an end to that The leather wings grew feathers or proceeded to go splat They've been affixed to angels or to pegasi or flies I hesitate to think what's next before this process dies

With a scratch of filkers' pens...

CHORUS

(To "Captain Jack and the Mermaid", by Meg Davis) And then there's the song about brave Captain Jack (All those filk writers; with gleams in their eyes) Filked through each possible aisle of attack (I dare say Meg Davis [the writer, you see] Is wishing they all would be drowned in the sea)

CHORUS

(To "Drink Up The River", by Kathy Mar) And finally we come to Kathy Mar's familiar tune With a list of filks that threatens to reach halfway to the moon Like all the other songs that have been filked until they've dropped. So in deference to all of them I think it's time I stopped

(spoken) And remember....

(To the last line of "Greensleeves") You can always just write it to Greensleeves!


John, how could you 2!

A PLANET John Creasey

to the tune of "Bingo"

There was a planet out in space, And Argo was its name - 0! AA-r-g-o, AA-r-g-o, AA-r-g-o. And Argo was its name-0.

The Enterprise then came to port, To have some R and R - 0. AA-r-g-o, AA-r-g-o, AA-r-g-o, And Argo's where they came - 0.

The crew had lots and lots of fun there, When they came to play - 0. AA-r-g-o, AA-r-g-o, AA-r-g-o, But Argo was dismayed - 0.

The crew were one and all hauled in And told to go away - 0. AA-r-g-o, AA-r-g-o, AA-r-g-o,

-And come no more to play - 0.

Leslie Fish then wrote a song, About this trip to play - 0. AA-r-g-o, AA-r-g-o, AA-r-g-o, It haunts her to this day - 0!!!

Please! f-=T-4.

BANNED FROM F1LKDOM Harry and Mara Brener

There is a little ditty that every filker knows. It's known as "Banned from Argo" and you know how it goes. It has ten verses in the book and thousands more besides; It clings to every filk until we spray with fungicide.

And so it's banned from filkdom for a year; Banned from filkdom, so you'd better not sing it here. We've heard it fifty times tonight, and now we're getting sore; 'Cause WE DON'T WANNA HEAR IT ANYMORE!


My sentiments exactly, One should always be patient and tolerant with news (I could tell quite a tale about that) but there are knits:

QUE NEO, NEO Larry Kirby

to the tune of "Que Sera, Sera"

When I was just a neo fan Went to a filksing, and asked them "Please Play 'Banned From Argo, I've heard it's neat." Here's what they said to me

"Ain't no way, Jose Get out of here right away You should drop dead, OK? Ain't no way, Jose."

All through the con I asked the fen "Please play 'Banned From Argo, I've heard it's cool." Some gaped in horror, some ran away. Then I'd get thrown in the pool

CHORUS

Now I'm an old and gray trufan And I hear 'Argo' now in my dreams When I hear a neo ask for that song I curse at him and scream:

CHORUS

co co cs-s3 (1-20 Ea 0:3 E-13 E.--0 523 a 23. Ea Co 5E6 crii, a E--p 52-_-(5a:0- gL srs5e-,<E0- gfe,cs--s5E-c, a 0E-0 a 5 5:13

How does that old Fifties rock song go.? "I like short shorts // Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-nah..." And just as I feared, here comes the Voyager version already.

VOYAGER Joel Polowin (from January, 1995)

Our doctor is a hologram, and when he wants to play He has to call for take-out since he cannot leave sickbay It's good to see, with all this new technology and all, Professionals still willing to make a quick house call!

And we are banned from Argo yet again...


sympathize./

SCANS TO ARGO Mark Osier ©1993

Jpy left 1993 and all that other legal-type stuff. You want to play it, go for it, but mention that I wrote it to save yourself some heat. By the way, could someone (maybe Harry Smothers) see that Steve Macdonald gets a copy of this and let him know it's his fault? He'll understand. (Why do I get the feeling I'll regret ever writing this...?)

There are more of me than meets the eye...

I wrote a song designed to draw guffaws and laughs galore I worked hard on the lyrics and an original score I played it at a con down south where I had a real good time, But then a friend called on the phone and told me of my crime

Chorus: My songs scan to Argo, every one They scan to Argo - my career in filk is done But maybe if I take another music class or four My songs won't scan to Argo anymore

I listened there in horror as he played my song for me, And then he played it once again as an Argo parody I heard my precious words as they fell neatly into place, And those who saw me said the color drained right from my, face

`Cause my songs...

r or days I did deny it, saying that it couldn't be, Until I set all of my lyrics right in front of me I looked down at my other songs and found they were the same So now I sadly do admit that I'm the one to blame

'Cause my songs....

So at cons now you'll find me in the back of the filk room For I don't dare to play a song, or it will be my doom Yes, I've forgotten all the other tunes I used to play 'Cause I sing them all to that same tune and all in the same way

'Cause my songs scan to Argo every one They scan to Argo - my career in filk is done But maybe if I take another music class or four My songs won't scan to Argo anymore


What can I say to this, but 4/tet4RRRSHHI

THEN WE SCANNED KEY LARGO JUST FOR PUNS R. I. Benefiche ©1992

WARNING: ARGO ALERT! PUN ALERT! HORRIBLE SCANSION ALERT!!

There is a song filk parodists are cursed to struggle with. It has to do with Trek folk messing 'round with kin and kith. But if porn is what you're looking for, this version's one to skip For my juices are at port, and they won't let 'em on the ship.

It's a gland embargo everyone. Stalls from Argo will not find this song much fun. And if they stay to listen in to four verses or five, They'll be lucky to have brain cells still alive.

Now that was some fancy hotel that our con was in last year. The restaurant had a wine list like they'd never heard of bheer. The fare was filet mignon buried deep in lobster tails, And the maitre-d' turned red when I complained about the snails.

It was bland escargot, everyone I'd have shot the chef then, if I'd only had a gun They wouldn't give me a refund 'cause I'd eaten four or five I was lucky to get out of there alive.

We drove to that convention through the night and through the day. Seems like every one we go to is a thousand miles away. Through wind and rain and bumpy roads and interstates we fought, Just to find our car'd been stolen from the hotel parking lot.

Where'd our fannish car go, everyone? We didn't bring any money, and this really is no fun. We may have to hitchhike back so we don't know when we'll arrive. We'll be lucky if we get back home alive.

The doors were clearly labeled, and I turned white as a sheet When the Guest of Honor lit up in the smoking-free con suite. No one was taking action; fans are just too damned polite, But I don't think fans will soon forget what happened there that night.

Watch that damned cigar go through the roof, Along with the guest of honor, who broke bones and a tooth. I punched him several times, and he broke three ribs, maybe four Now he won't be guest of honor anymore.

There's just one woman I have loved in my entire life. I met her at a con and hoped someday she'd be my wife But one day she met a woman she said she loved more than me. What could I do but stifle tears and tell her she was free?

Now her hand's in Margot's, everyone. It's nice to see them smile. Believe me, they have fun. They know I often get a lonely aching in my crotch, So sometimes when they make love they let me watch.


SONG OF THE FYDRACA'S* CREW Dick Eney

Author's note: The Markland Medieval Militia (a historical reenactment grout, Whose area is the Viking Age, -- v, 800-1000 CB) has an actual replica Viking longship which has traveled under sail and oar (no motor - that

ld be unauthentic!) all over Chesapeake Bay, with its crew in their Viking garb. This is too good an opportunity for a filker to pass up, isn't it?

I see marvelous visions: It's the posh Kennebunkport regatta with all the posh ships of the ridiculously rich sailing pret* down the coast, when along comes a Ming longship under sail and oar, with the pointed shields rattling along her sides. The TV newsies think it a joke

uni/ she overhauls the rearmost yacht. She overhauls but doesn't pass. Instead, out fly the grapnels to snag the yacht's

gunwales, then out jump the crew in full 141ohg garb and armor -- with authentic swords and axes. It board and storm; loot, rape, pillage and burn/ She /eaves the yacht a burning wreck and takes after the next in line.

Pretty soon the other yachts catch on to what's happening and start running before the wind for real We get to see just how fast those fancy boats can go, and just how good their idle rich crews really are. Odin he/p the police boats and Coast Guard cutters who try to intervene because the longship is carrying an arbalest and several good archers.

And as the sun sinks slowly in the West, reddened by a thick pall of smoke, the longship, laden with booty, fades into the mist, with the crew singing in triumph The last sauna/ we hear is the old Norse hymns to Odin gradually fading into... this/

dragon ship pulled into port because we thought we'd find The sort of fan convention every Viking has in mind, But soon we found despite the best that Balticon could do, The Inner Harbor** wasn't set to meet a Markland crew!

Chorus: So now we're banned from Baltimore, each one. Oh yes, we're banned from Baltimore for having a little fun! We came to pillage, rape and burn for just three days or four. Now Baltimore don't want us any more!

* The translation of Fydraca - from the Norsk drakkar, "dragon," so called because of the figureheads they used. It's a pun onfrr-draka, "fire-drake" - the kind of dragon that breathes fire, and fyrd-draka - "dragon(ship) of thefrrd" (a Viking war-band)

** Inner Harbor is Baltimore's tourist center as well as being a real, functioning harbor. It has passenger docks and during Constellation (Worldcon in Baltimore) and at least one of the regional Balticons that were held there, the longship was moored in front of the hotel and took passengers out for trips in the harbor 3-4 times a day.


To kill our drought and appetite was what we thought of first; We went to see what this place had to cure a case of thirst. Now rowing's heavy work, but we just don't believe those bars When they restocked next morning used three trains of tanker cars!

CHORUS

Some wenches from The Block* told us they'd like to take a trip; They claimed they'd never had a night aboard a dragon-ship. We thought the girls were lively, but when we began to play, Two dozen of them went and joined a nunnery next day!

CHORUS

The con committee told us that we'd have to leave at home Our deadly water pistols and our swords of plastic foam**, But, armed or not, our scuzzy lot won't let the mundanes relax. We found "Greek Sailor"*** gave the con committee heart attacks.

CHORUS

We still don't understand why the hotel made such a fuss. Imagine, holding Mass because they'd seen the last of us! It's too bad that we can't come back, but we'll make do, no fear, Because we're going to sack and burn Annapolis**** next year!

Now that we're banned from Baltimore, each one! Arbitrarily banned from Baltimore for having a little fun! We came to pillage, rape and burn for just three days or four. Now Baltimore don't want us any more!

The Block is Baltimore's red-light district. What, you guessed? Deadly water pistols: Balticon is one of the too-numerous fan groups who give pacifism a bad

name by freaking out at even obvious toys. "* "Greek Sailor": Think "Eskimo Nell" in a sailor suit. It's surprising what perfectly straight people

will sing when they're safely out at sea. (I suspect this may be a reference to "Bend Over, Greek Sailor" (1980 or so by Aethelstan and

Clam Chowder); see httpl/www.turoks.net/Bordello/BendOverGreekSailor.htm for an excerpted version.--LG] **** Annapolis is the capitol of Maryland, about half a day's sail down Chesapeake Bay from

Baltimore (Transcriber's note: It's also the location of the U.S. Naval Academy. I wouldn't mind seeing who'd win

this one - Mike Liebmann)


TALKING BANNED FROM ARGO Joe Bethancourt

Copyright 1993 W. J. Bethancourt

Not again, Joel 000H, 17/ getcha for that Amplified guitars at 50 paces:

If you want to get in trouble, I'll tell ya how to do it: Write a song about Argo, then yer into it. Ya sing it at parties, ya sing it at Cons. Before ya know it, the thing's caught on!

(BIG hit....Trekkies....Spock ears....Bajoran false noses....

Sounds pretty Fishy to me )

The thing of it is, it was all a joke, All about those enterprising blokes. `Twas done "on contract," nice and formal, To make 'em all seem good and normal.

(Nice boys and girls,...Typical party-goers.... Macho and Machisma Space Pioneers....Ri-i-i-i-ght!)

See, the Captain's an egotistical sod That thinks he's some kind of little tin god. A self-centered, egocentrical pup: Without high tech, he can't get it up!

(He don't love women....Just his ship.... Masturbates on the bridge when he's alone....)

The Doctor's something very strange; He's weird and unusual; quite deranged.... Came back on board with a great big sack.... He's a certified necrophiliac

(She's DEAD, Jim....Hehehehehehehl)

The First Officer's calm and very neat, And in stuff like this, he's quite discreet.... He never laughs, never cries a tear, And comes in heat once every few years

(And rapes computers....Has affairs with calculators.... Keeps a battery-powered Nurse doll in his closet...)

I ain't gonna talk about the rest of the crew Or the strange and unusual things they do, But the word about 'em, from Argo to Dover, Is "Watch your wallet, and don't bend over!"

(Wanna buy a duck? How about a trained cormorant?)


So every time ya wanna sing They just wanna hear the same damn thing: "Banned From Argo," fifty times a night! Ya hear it in bed, when ya turn out the light....

(Wanna make love? No! Play me "Banned From Argo!" ARRGGGH!)

So "Argo," I guess, is a pretty good song, But the damn thing just keeps going, on and on! Sequels and spin-offs, a New Generation, Now "Deep Space Nine's" due for incineration

(Honest, Sir, I didn't know it was Odo sleeping in the blender!)

Another tip of the hat to original Greek mythology. How the mighty have fallen.!/

ANTI-ARGO Kihe Blackeagle

I've wondered often (many times!) why Argo is such a rip. What do every one of you have against a sailing-ship? And if Jason the heroes can't put back upon his father's throne, Well, then throw Argo to the Titans, like a dog might get a bone!

There walked the mighty Heracles, muscled shoulders spanning wide, And many another hero true went along then for all the ride A discus hurled as no other was put a shrimp among their midst Until the spring-pool called to him, and he's still locked in that tryst!

And it's "See the Argo, reaching wide!" "See the Argo, as she dances upon the tide." No other ship has ever been so true and widely known As a vessel called the Argo, that put Jason upon his throne!

Yeah, that how the Argo wound up as a constellation — which got its name in the stars and

then got tacked to a particular star, and then a constellation-class starship showed up.... We//,

that's how messes like this begin/


Yep, I've been to filksings like this one — a/though, in fact, my reaction was to get up and run.

THEY'RE SINGING "BANNED FROM ARGO" Bob Kanefsky Copyright 02/29/1988

to Leslie Fish's tune for Rudyard Kipling's "Danny Deever"

"What are the guitars playin' for?" the neo-filker cried. "To drown you out, to drown you out," the veteran replied. "What makes you look so white, so white?" the neo-filker cried. "I'm dreading what I've got to hear," the veteran replied.

For they're singing "Banned from Argo"; you can hear the guitars strum. They're taking their kazoos out, and they're looking for a drum. I only just walked in and now I'm sorry that I've come While they're singing "Banned from Argo" at the filksing.

"Where can I find the words to this?" the neo-filker cried. "Page fifty in your Westerfilk," the older filker sighed. "I've heard this song a score of times!" the neo-filker cried. "I've heard it once or twice myself," the veteran replied.

But they're singing "Banned from Argo"; you can hear the trufen hiss Nine hundred other filksongs, and the neos ask for this! I feel a sudden urge to step outside and try to miss Their singing "Banned from Argo" at the filksing.

"What makes that woman's eyes bug out?" the neo-filker cried. "The song's too high, the song's too high," the veteran replied. "What makes that fellow clutch his chest?" the neo-filker cried. "The song's too low, the song's too low," the veteran replied.

For they're singing "Banned from Argo" and you'll see it's quite a strain To rumble through the verses and still squeak through the refrain And when you hear them try it, you will see why I complain That they're singing "Banned from Argo" at the filksing.

"Who's that who's got her ears stopped up?" the neo-filker cried. "It's Leslie Fish, it's Leslie Fish," the veteran replied. "What's that that whimpers overhead?" the neo-filker cried. "The guy whose room is right upstairs," the veteran replied.

But they're done with "Banned from Argo"; you can hear the final chord. We begged 'em not to do it, but our pleading was ignored. The trufen want their Tully, and they sure are looking bored After singing "Banned from Argo" at the filksing.


Ye gods, I've been to cons like this!!/

TIRED OF ARGO Copyright 1992 Scott Malcomson and M. Mitchell Marmel

When we went to the Filker's Con in search of something new, We joined in with the circle, and we wondered what they'd do The strummers tuned their fancy lutes and then began to play, And the only song that they would sing, they sang all bloody day!

CHORUS: And we're tired of "Argo" ev'ryone Tired of hearing crewmen having too much fun We're all stuck here on Planet Earth, and Ghod knows we're all bored, But we'll hear "Banned from Argo" nevermore!

They sang of a sex-crazed captain who couldn't keep it in his pants. This guy's tireless sex drive prolly even ran to plants. Rather than face the penalty for breaking Argo's laws, They beamed him up in the nick of time to save their captain's...[short pause]...cause!

CHORUS

We next were all subjected to a rather vulgar verse 'Bout a Vulcan Science Officer and a certain Earthling nurse. She came up with a po-ti-on to try to turn his head. Instead of the library he went Chapel-ing instead!

CHORUS

At this point half the audience was hollering "No more!", While the less hardy filking fans were heading for the door. Protesting cries and fleeing folks were all, alas, for naught; The hapless few remaining moaned, "Ms. Fish, what hast thou wrought?"

CHORUS

Next up in the tortured song was a rather torrid tale Of an aging Starfleet surgeon who incited whores to wail. Someone had run to fetch an axe to end the filker's verse, But much to our surprise and shock, it just kept getting worse!

CHORUS

The singers droned while we all groaned a chorus of despair Of Starfleet deeds with the cache of week-old underwear, And when at last they finished up the final ghastly rhyme We lynched a neo who called out, "Let's hear it one more time!"

CHORUS

If I were King of all the Bards, 'twould be my fondest wish To take "Argo's" lyric sheets and use 'em to rap Fish. Sing "Hope Eyrie" or "Freedom Road" or any other tune. If we never hear "Argo" again, it's gonna be too soon!

FINAL CHORUS: And we're tired of "Argo" ev'ryone Tired of hearing crewmen having too much fun We're all stuck here on Planet Earth, and Ghod knows we're all bored, But we'll hear "Banned from Argo" nevermore!

(Sound effect: Shotgun slide being worked)

Wonder why?


Ah, a good sollo'protest song/ I could a/most forgive you for using that tune for it.

THE U.S. AND US Steven Piziks

When we signed up with Uncle Sam to serve our country's need, We all assumed we'd be allowed to sleep with whom we pleased, But when two soldiers tried some "Basic Training" in the nude, We learned the U.S. Pentagon's a strait-laced nasty prude.

Chorus: And we're banned from service just for spite, Banned from service just for playing around at night. We fought the Gulf and Vietnam, we fought in two World Wars, But when they ended, we were shown the doors.

The sergeant-major had a son who looked just like Tom Cruise, And when it turned out he was gay, well, we began to schmooze. But when his father caught us, boy, we knew not what he'd do. He proved he loved his country, for he turned red, white and blue.

Chorus

They say the Navy makes a man, and God knows they made me. I met a cute young sailor and the radannan made three. But when the Captain heard of us, the punishment was vile.

—Next thing we knew, my God, we'd been marooned on Gilligan's Isle. Chorus

Two men with bulging stomachs went to sickbay for the doc. The doctor dropped his stethoscope; his face was pale with shock. He said, "Why weren't you careful? Now you're really in a bind." They said, "But, Doctor, birth control had never crossed our minds!"

Chorus

I knew a lesbian Marine, and she was really tough. She got invited to a ball. I thought it would be rough. She'd show up wearing L.L. Bean: I thought I had her pegged. She wore a formal gown and heels! She'd even shaved her legs!!

Chorus

The general, she had a son just two months underage. When we were found together, well, she flew into a rage. She called the cops and sheriff and the entire National Guard, The FBI, the CIA and even Scotland Yard!

Chorus

The military uses gays. We shouldn't take that crap. We've fought with honor, died with grace, and still we take the rap. They say we hurt morale. You know that's wrong. When worlds collide, You fight ten times more fiercely with your lover at your side.

Chorus


Admittedly, this is one thing that this song is good for.

A USE FOR ARGO Roberta Rogow

They came into our filksing with their manuscripts in hand. They turned their chairs and faced us, prepared to make a stand. We grabbed guitars, detuned them, and looked them in the eye. Someone yelled, "Banned from Argo!," and everyone let fly.

And we sang them "Argo" everyone Sang them "Argo" and they took off at a run We only sang one chorus, but we sang it at a roar Now they won't crash our filksing anymore

A waiter poked his nose in and wondered what was up; He jingled water pitchers and cans of 7-UP. He said that we were crazy for doing what we did, So we sang "Banned from Argo," and the waiter ran and hid.

And we sang him "Argo" everyone Sang him "Argo" and he took off at a run We only sang one chorus, but we sang it at a roar Now he won't crash our filksing anymore

The tapers called for quiet while they twiddled with their knobs. The rest of us sat fuming and called them techie snobs. We thought that we would hit them in the place that hurt the most, And so we shrieked out "Argo" and blew them off the coast.

Chorus # 1

A pair of Amway salesmen heard the music from the room; They thought they'd found a party, but instead they met their doom. They asked, "What are you doing? What are those songs you play?" And so we sang them "Banned from Argo" and they turned and ran away.

Chorus # 1

Our filks are fandom's finest ,and our repertoire is wide, And all we need's a room, guitars and courtesy besides. We don't roam halls, pull fire alarms, or cause a lot of fuss, But we'll sing "Banned from Argo" if you try to mess with us!

And we'll sing you "Argo" everyone Sing you "Argo" and you'll take off at a run We'll sing you every verse we know, make up several more. You won't want "Banned from Argo" anymore


No, no, a thousand times no! Afigoddess, it'll show up in ASCII next!

SCANS TO ARGO chorus Copyright 1987 by Claire Maier

Procedure: Sing the first verse of each listed song to the verse tune for O "Banned from Argo", then sing the following chorus to the chorus tune:

And it scans to "Argo", everyone, Scans to "Argo" so let's have us a little fun, With songs of seven iambs and a meter of four/four, We'll all screw "Banned from Argo" up once more.

Songs:

1. Fuel to Feed the Drive (Cynthia McQuillin) 2. God Lives on Terra (Julia Ecklar) 3. Gilligan's Island theme song (Sherwood Schwartz) 4. Black Widows in the Privy (Heather Rose Jones) 5. Engineer's Hymn (Leslie Fish) 6. I Dream of Unicorns (Teri Lee, Cathy Cook)

. Oh, Susannah (traditional) 8. Horsetamer's Daughter (Leslie Fish) 9. Like a Lamb to the Slaughter (Frank Hayes)

co (If desired, this can continue ad infinitum)

And ad nauseam! I have this recurring nightmare about the Operation Version: "Argo and the Night Visitors," "Argoida," "The Argo of Seville,"....


Not just deadlier, but more likely to drink you under the table.

LADIES' NIGHT ON ARGO It wrote itself, through Mike Richards and Roger Burton-West (October 25, 1997)

When we pulled into Argo port in search of R&R, The crew set out to visit every single pub and bar, We had high expectations of their hospitality, But found out fast it wasn't safe for spacers such as we.

For it's ladies' night on Argo Port, Ladies' night, and the crew is quite distraught, We ran into some spacers there, `twas just three girls or four. We won't be back on Tuesdays anymore.

Our Captain went a-walking with a lady from Grayson, He really should know better than to mess with Harrington, He wouldn't take her gentle "No", so she pulled a little coup, And left him face down in the street, with a dozen redshirts too.

CHORUS

Our proper cool First Officer has lost some of his pride, And was a good deal poorer when we beamed him back inside. He wagered on his prowess `gainst Alicia DeVries; And Fury flattened logic in all three falls out of three.

CHORUS

Our Helmsman for his shoreleave borrowed shuttle number three, And soon was swapping stories with one Rosselin-Metadi. They bragged about their escapades, the risks that each had run; The last we saw, the pair were playing chicken round the sun.

CHORUS

When Vader thought that he was safe, he thought a bit too soon. He suddenly slowed down his ship and said <hsss> "That's not a moon." <hss> The Empress of all Humankind had stopped by for a chat, And brought along a warship that would smash the Death Star flat!

CHORUS

The Borg came to assimilate this lonely spaceport bar, And ended up compelled to fly into the nearest star, For Cam and Con and Kay and Kat were dancing there that night, And Unit vs. Unity was not an even fight.

CHORUS

We prowl among the space lanes fearing neither man nor beast; Of all the Space Fleet's arsenal we rank amongst the least. We have a super weapon that makes all our foes turn pale, For the female of the species is more deadly than the male!

CHORUS

References on page 77


What is this, the sequel to "Leslie Fish's Ghost Is Haunting Space Station Two7 Oyl I wonted to be immortal, but LIKE THIS?!

WHERE NO FISH HAS GONE BEFORE Claire Maier

When we struck out for Argo port, on leave from Deep Space Nine, We thought we'd find a planet for a shore leave mighty fine. But long before we even got within transporter range, Our transport ship was hijacked by a specter very strange.

Chorus: And we're banned from Argo — not our wish; Banned from Argo by the ghost of Leslie Fish. We thought to have our shore leave there, like ships in days of yore, But Leslie just can't take it any more.

Our boss's tastes are simple; he's a family man at heart. He's raised his son alone, e'er since his wife was blown apart. He sent Jake off to school right after Leslie turned us back, But when she subbed for Keiko, he 'bout had a heart attack.

Chorus

---We went back to our station, to O'Brien's vast dismay. cid just fixed up the whole damn place and hoped to get away.

He checked the replicators, though, and soon began to swear, Just as we heard a ghostly voice sing, "Gremlins Everywhere."

Chorus

Our major is Bajoran; seems that she's been through a war. No matter what it is, she thinks she's seen it all before. Of politics or tactics, she swore she knew everything, Until she got an earful of what Leslie had to sing.

Chorus

Our barkeep Quark's a businessman, a manager supreme. To have Argoan hookers for his suites had been his dream, But when he tried to close the deal, he found himself agog, To find a brand-new chapter of the Wobblies run by Nog.

Choru s

Our constable's a shapeshifter; he sleeps inside a pail. He'll spy on you, and if you flaunt his rules, you'll go to jail. "No weapons on the promenade!" is his eternal cry. Do you want to tell Odo about Leslie, or should I?

Chorus


Lieutenant Dax's a symbiont; its past lives were a riot. Jadzia much preferred to keep its prior sex lives quiet, 'Till Leslie wrote a song detailing every little whirl That's longer than the one about eight horses and the girl.

Chorus

Our doctor is a ladies' man; that's what he likes to think, (So) when he met up with Leslie's ghost, he offered her a drink. They went back to his cabin, and he thought he'd make her day, (But) he came out saying, "Who is Dirty Harry, anyway?"

Chorus

The folks out in the Gamma Quadrant really love to game. Whenever we have played them, they have put our best to shame. No matter how much skill we'd show, they'd always make us wince ('Till) they played "Car Wars" with Leslie, for we haven't seen them since.

Chorus

Our station's not the finest, but we guess it's here we'll stay, If we don't mention Argo, then perhaps she'll go away. But then again, we've just heard something that may make it moot, She sings this song about some dame Miranda and her fruit.

Chorus

a Ea. Eis 6:0" (So 6:6 a E5 E F.) Ea EC). CS:c; 6_0"' E-0 270- a a 51_0- giro- a Et; CLB OL-6 L5:6 Crs' 6:6

"Ladies' Night on Argo" References (drawn from Mike Richards' message on rec.music.filk)

The 'lady from Grayson' is Honor Harrington, from the series by David Weber (starting with On Basilisk Station). Very competent starship commander, diplomatic skills improving (she's stopped hitting them), occasionally seen to be a good martial artist.

Alicia DeVries is from Path of the Fury by David Weber (stand-alone novel at the moment). She's a top class cybernetically-enhanced soldier sharing her head with the last of the Greek Furies and the AI of a fast, deadly starship.

Beka Rosselin-Metadi is from the Magewords series by [Debra] Doyle and [James D.] MacDonald - the sort of person to break from cover while under attack, in order to get a better shot.

The Empress of all Humankind is Jiltanith from Mutineer's Moon and The Armageddon Inheritance by David Weber. The starship in question is the size of Earth's moon - a similar one was Luna for a while - and has the capability to make stars go nova.

Cam, Con, Kay and Kat are, of course, the four female Children of the Lens from the Doc Smith book of that name, from the Lensman series.


I do believe you have stumbled upon one of the Great Truths of the Universe.

WHY THAT SONG? Copyright Valerie R. Housden 1991

Tune: "Blue Flame"

Note: I was inspired to write this by reading an article in Folk/Roots magazine in 1991 about Sidney Carter, in which he talked at length about the very worthy album he had done in 1965 (or thereabouts) with actress Sheila Hancock, and how "My Last Cigarette" was the only song anyone ever remembered from that record, and I thought, "I remember that one!" I told this to Janet and Zander, and Janet's reaction was exactly the same.

D Bm G A Now one Sidney Carter wrote songs of great renown

D A Such as "Lord of the Dance", and many more.

D Bm G A And he worked with Sheila Hancock on their own cause c'élèbre,

D A And most of the songs were anti-war.

D Bm E A They thought that the album's mood needed some light,

G Bm E A And so at the eleventh hour

D Bm G A They included an odd song about nicotine.

D A D D7 _tat choice still haunts them, yes, even now.

G Em "My Last Cigarette" still gets remembered, G Em D D7 "My Last Cigarette" is the song we all recall, G Em D Bm "My Last Cigarette" survives, the rest we all forgot,

Em G Em A In the immortality stakes, the silly song beats them all.

Now a singer called Leslie, the one known as Fish Worked with others of the Dehorn Crew To record an album of great "Star Trek" songs, A noble (and Wobbly?) thing to do. As they timed their performances, they found that they had Four extra minutes they'd forgot. So Leslie wrote a very silly song And now wishes that she had not.

For "Argo'"s the song that gets remembered, "Banned from Argo" is the only song that we recall, "Banned from Argo" still gets filked, the rest we all forgot, In the immortality stakes, the silly song beat them all.


Now I was choosing songs to put on my tape, So I selected them with great care. I threw out all those about fannish things and cats; My tape is a literary affair. But too many heavy songs can be rather dull, And so at the eleventh hour I included a song that I considered light, On religious abuse of power.

And "Blue Flame'''s the song that gets remembered, "Blue Flame" is the only song that they recall, It's "Blue Flame" that gets filled, the rest they all forgot, In the immortality stakes, the silly song beat them all.

Yes we've had Blue fur floating in my cornflakes And beep! beep! approaching as towards me he will run Blue paint running over all everything that I touch In the immortality stakes, the silly song beat them all.

(Or appropriate line from filk) (Or appropriate line from filk) (Or appropriate line from filk)

Don't ask me for sympathy! z5L4

BANNED FROM FILKING Andrew Nisbet, III

The Banned from Argo parody that I sat down to write Had fucked-up rhyme and scansion, but on whole was quite all right! Six hundred forty verses long (but who is keeping score?), But the filkers do not love me anymore!

Oh, I am banned from filking everywhere! Banned from filking -- they all just give me the air! I wrote a jolly filksong; it just ran three days or four. And the filkers do not want me anymore.


I wish I'd really been at this one.

CAMP ARGO - THE WORLDFILK AFFAIR 1996 lyric by the Worldfilk and Flooded Email Box Hacker's Society

born of a post-OVFF XI e-mail frenzy.:-{)}

(Steve Macdonald) When we rolled into Argo Camp, our gear was tightly stowed. The counselors were clean and washed; the grass was even mowed. We knew the food would be OK; bologna is foolproof. But little could we anticipate what stuff would hit the roof!

Chorus: (Scott Snyder) And we're bound for Argo everyone. Bound for Argo just to have a week of fun. We'll sing until our voices are all gone, or we drop dead, And still we will not ever get to bed.

(Steve Macdonald with Brett Glass) The coffee served at Argo Camp they say is mighty fine, Especially when garnished with puppies dipped in brine. The menu comes straight to us from the Olde Road Kill Cafe, If you want muskrat or 'possum, they'll get it fresh today!

CHORUS

(Mark Osier) Our con chair's tastes were simple, but her methods were complex: Fifteen tracks of programs, each one weirder than the next. But when we read the contents, everybody shook their fists, 'Cause sleep was not an item to be found on any list!

CHORUS

(Paul Kwinn) Our counselor's name was Leslie, and she weren't no raw recruit. She issued us a forty-four and taught us how to shoot. So our percussion section was the loudest of the bunch. Not only did they keep the beat, they often brought down lunch.

CHORUS

(Debbie Ohi) Suddenly we heard a cry; it was a frightful sound. Someone spotted truffles in the hands of poor Mike Browne. So the hungry hordes descended, all for pillaging, Leaving not a trace of chocolate or the Truffle King

CHORUS


(Graham Leathers) Every song was open game to deadly parodies, Led by Mike and Rennie and Urban Tapestry. When we all had writer's cramp, and we could write no more, Bob Kanefsky raised his pen and shouted, 'This is war!'

CHORUS

(Paul Kwinn) The auction was a long one, but the wenches were the best, Including one in leather from her ankles to her... wrists. They flaunted and they taunted, and my little arm they twisted, And now I'm owner of CD's I never knew existed.

CHORUS

(Steve Macdonald and Paul Kwinn) The mailing list that birthed this song stacked email to the sky. Pretty soon subscribers were dropping out like flies. They said, "It's too much bandwidth; my computer's running slow." But that's just begging for a verse about them, don't they know?

CHORUS

(Scott Snyder) We covered every subject - from Unicornes to Trek, And we ended up arm wrestling to see who would sing next. We filled ourselves up to the gills with Fish and filk and fun. Then we realized -- through caffeine haze -- that this was just Day One!

by Beckett Gladney


ARGO EVERY DAY Copyright 2000 by Robert Rosenfeld

When filk was young and songs were fun and easy to make rhyme, We found a song that satisfied the spirit of our time, A catchy tune and story that fulfilled our every wish, And to a filker's heart it was like water to a fish.

We sang "Banned From Argo" every day, // "Banned From Argo," it just wouldn't go away. We had a jolly time with it for just three years or four, // But we don't want to hear it any more.

It told about a starship crew on shore leave in a port That found itself amusement in every vice and sport. The wreckage that they left there won them banishment for good, And hearing it amused us like "Star Trek" never could.

We sang "Banned From Argo" every day, // "Banned From Argo," it just wouldn't go away. We had a jolly time with it for just four years or five, // But sing it now, you won't leave here alive.

The song soon spread like wildfire to every single con, And filkers would keep singing it from twilight until dawn. At open sings and concerts and in hallways it would ring, 'Til finally our ears had heard too much of a good thing.

We sang "Banned From Argo" every day, // "Banned From Argo," it just wouldn't go away. We had a jolly time with it for just five years or six, // But sing it now, you'll only make us sick.

At last we said, "Enough of this! No more of it we'll sing!" But neofen kept calling it at every bardic ring. They'd keep it going 'round until we'd vomit or we'd weep, And sang it in the stairwells as we tried to get our sleep,

We sang "Banned From Argo" every day, // "Banned From Argo," it just wouldn't go away. We had a jolly time with it for just six years or seven, But sing it now, we'll send you straight to Heaven.

Finally, we stamped it out at every open filk; No more of singing "Argo" or others of its ilk. Now we prefer more weighty songs, atonic and verbose, And we don't want to let it spoil a lovely night of ose.

We sang "Banned From Argo" every day, // "Banned From Argo," it just wouldn't go away. We had a jolly time with it for just seven years or eight, // But sing it now, you'll meet an awful fate.

A horrid thought arises that sends shivers through our brains: What will happen if the song breaks out among mundanes? They'll play it on Top 40 'til it dribbles from our ears, And advertising jingles will keep it 'round for years.

We sang "Banned From Argo" every day, // "Banned From Argo," it just wouldn't go away. We had a jolly time with it for just eight years or nine, But sing it now, we'll make you scream and whine.

Someday our rocket scientists will send a probe to space That carries all the music made by our gifted race. Of all the songs that humankind has sung from Earth to Mars, Guess which one the ETs pick to spread throughout the stars?

We sang "Banned From Argo" every day, // "Banned From Argo," it just wouldn't go away. We had a jolly time with it for just nine years or ten, // But please don't ever sing that song again.

Ayyyy-men! Ah, what the hell, let's start planning the sequel/ ) -.>4,


Oh great 6hu, here we go again/

BANNED FROM ARGO - V1.0 BETA Joe Ellis wrote (on rec.music.filk): "I'll leave this to the rest of the group to finish - no reason I should have all the fun!" With thanks to TV Guide and Entertainment Tonight for advance information on the upcoming series.

We left Earth just three weeks ago, and first made planetfall (Joe Ellis) On a lovely little paradise, a shining blue-white ball. The snooty Vulcans claim that we're not ready for the stars, But we're all sure we're ready to explore the alien bars!

Banned from Argo, just begun! (Joe Ellis) Banned from Argo, Enterprise NX-0 ! We're three weeks out of Earthport; still we've tried to do our best,. Our legacy is sure to ban the rest!

Captain Jonny Archer makes the women want to weep; (Joe Ellis) He knows that his promotion was, for him, a Quantum Leap. We know he'll bed a female of whatever race appears, Founding a tradition that will last two hundred years! CHORUS

Our XO is a Vulcan sent on board to supervise (Terence Chua) These upstart human spacers on the good ship Enterprise. It's said that she's emotionless, but soon we'll test the tale By spicing up her plomeek soup with 307 Ale! CHORUS

Commander Reed is British, and he may seem quite a snob, But rest assured that he is bloody brilliant at his job. He's fond of high explosives - a bit too fond, we feel; That's why his room is reinforced with pure titanium steel!

Now as we meet new friends and races in the Milky Way, Hoshi's there to figure out just what these aliens say. As such she's really useful when we finally get ashore, Especially when we need directions to the nearest whore!

Chief Engineer "Trip" Tucker is a cowboy full of charm; He's famed for shooting six rounds from his pers'nal firearm. The fillies let him mount them--they bite down on his bit, And some to ropes and branding irons willingly submit.

(Terence Chua)

CHORUS

(Terence Chua)

CHORUS

(Keith Lim)

CHORUS

Our helmsman is a cargo brat, a spacer to the core;

(Keith Lim) Young Travis claims he's won awards for Deep Six-Nine amour. His medal from the Warp One Club's a bit hard to believe, But that's a real Three Dolphin Club patch on his jumpsuit sleeve. CHORUS

The crew all flock to Phlox, our alien doctor from afar; (Keith Lim) His wondrous sickbay's decked out like a fetish boudoir. Those special pets he breeds are often borrowed with big smiles, They're creatures who can love back when they're boinked by plushophiles. CHORUS


Now here's one after my own heart: "Argo" as a protest song. I used to live in a dorm much like and there was even a Tappan Hall On campus,

too. Come to think of it, I got some of my first public singing practice on picket-lines there. 1h, Nostalgia /

BANNED FROM OXFORD Kathie Davis, Nicole Wilson, and Anonymous (in that order)

[This song seems to refer to Miami University of Oxford, Ohio — LGJ [Ws also to BFA by way of "Argo's Fire-Breathing Daughter," see page 11. — Mary Creaseyj

When we first arrived at Tappan Hall, beset by books and fees, We all assumed we'd be allowed to party as we please But when the men from the next hall came streaking in the nude, We found administration folk are bible-thumping prudes!

Chorus: And we're banned from Oxford just for spite, Banned from Oxford just for partying all night. We thought we'd hold a revel there for just four years or five, But Oxford nearly burned us all alive.

An RA' went out with some friends for a thump in Bishop Woods, The Campus Police were quite convinced her intentions were not good.

They said, "We'll have no orgies here", and she did as they bade, -hen called back to them that she'd go somewhere to ply the oldest trade!

CHORUS

Our hall rep went out Krogering 2 and came back with some beer. The bell desk person eyed the keg and primly said, "Oh, dear. This must be for a vinting class." The hall rep said "Like hell! It's an old concoction that we brew each week to keep us well!"

CHORUS

Our office of telecommunications gave us MUCares 3 And opened hailing frequencies to phone lines no longer there. The 'puter jammed old Oxford Bell; we're stuck without recourse. They just set up a telegraph to register by Morse!

CHORUS

Resident Advisor 2 Grocery shopping, in reference to the Kroger supermarket and convenience store chain 3 Well, you did ask for it... Here goes. MUCares is Miami University's "call and register early"

system. Over the summer they "opened" it - forgetting to hook up more than half of the computers. Now it is in full operation, and has brought down the phone system for the entire town, not just the school....It's now called MUScares. Also, students are not allowed to have cars on campus, and Ohio University is the school's biggest rival.


Our Head Res gives her service to the students every day, But problems often tempt the girl to try and slip away. One night we found her with five men she'd picked up in a bar. We sent her home and took the men out cruising - in their car3 !

CHORUS

Some fiat guys held a party in an Oxford city park, They found a quiet setting where the sky was clear and dark. The noise woke all the townsfolk who, in fear of carnal sins, Turned to the latest telegraph and reserved the Miami Inn!

CHORUS

Our students are the finest and perhaps the most diverse. In sixty-nine positions, you'll find we are well versed. We're heading out from Oxford now, but plan to come again. We're on a jaunt to OU 3 , to pick up some REAL men!

CHORUS

DISCOGRAPHY by Mary Creasey

"Banned From Argo" appeared on the following albums, all sung by Leslie Fish:

Solar Sailors, LP: with the Dehorn Crew, Bandersnatchi Press DCA-02, 1977; re-released on cassette by Firebird Arts & Music, FAM-10110, 1989

Star Trek Comedy, cassette: Vince Emery Productions, VE-02, (1990?): same track as on Solar Sailors

Bayfilk Crazies, cassette: live convention anthology (Bayfilk 1), Off Centaur Publications, OCP-09, 1982

Where No Man..., cassette: studio anthology of Star Trek songs, Off Centaur Publications, OCP-85, 1987

Border Patrol, cassette: studio anthology of Star Trek songs, Firebird Arts & Music, FAM-10084, 1990

Grandma Went Out With A Bang, cassette: live convention anthology (Conterpoint Too!), Conglomeration Inc./ Kludge Audio, CS-74, 1996

All are out of print except the last one.

3. See footnote #3 on the previous page.


Yeah! Yeah/ Yeah/ As the author of Shelter, Poses and The Weigh; s- ob,.efully confess to whole-hearted participation In fact, I've found that fan-written erat/c. ,! s far better written than the mundane pro-variety. He//, I once did write mundane-pro-porn, so I have credentials

r judging. In my book, Gayle Feyrer can write rings around D. H. Lawrence at his best And as for really hot stuff, forget Playboy and hunt up the X-rated Furry toles. For that matter I'm still waiting for Don Simpson' Centaur Pillow Book to blow (/) everybody out of the water.

WRITING PORNO Jan Kelson 01985

You've heard the tale of Argo-port and how they spent their leave, But what goes on when they pull out is amazing to believe. The fanzines and the stories put our morals to the test. The libido of the bridge crew seems to never need a rest.

Chorus: And they're writing porno everyone Writing porno 'cause they say it is such fun. It seems the Enterprise is just a ship of ill-repute. The way they misbehave you can't dispute.

The mundane folks have S&M. Well, we have K&S only thing we haven't seen is Spock wearing a dress.

.ley throw them both in bed for sex on any feeble whim, The ones we feel sorry for are those girls in love with Jim.

Chorus

Kirk stories are amazing, but they're quite hard to believe. There never was a human who could do what he achieves. He loves his ship, his crew, his job. Oh yes, he loves all three. According to the fanzines he loves everything he sees.

Chorus

Once every seven years or so, a Vulcan comes in heat, But according to the fanzines, Spock's in pon farr every week. It never seems to matter, really, who he's with or where. It's "fascinating" just to see him do it then and there.

Chorus

Scotty is a simple man, but his tastes are rather odd. His main concern seems where he can put "yon connecting rod." Kirk and Spock appall him in the stories that they write, But you should see his warp drive when he uses it at night.

Chorus


McCoy's a Southern gentleman. He seldom gets to play, But if he ever left the ship, you'd see the crew's dismay. For though he seldom gropes on groups, or even one on one, He orders all the Spanish Fly, and if he leaves, there's none.

Chorus

The stories could go on and on, and on and on and on, And if I tried to filk them all, this song would last till dawn. The stories that I've read are worse than some porn flicks I've seen, But I was born a pervert, and so I prefer the 'zines.

Chorus

This started out as just two lines, woukija believe. Then it grew Print fast, John/ Print fast!!

LAST WORD Leslie Fish and John Creasey

to the tune of "Banana Boat Song"

Ar-go, no more Ar-go, (Sing one more and I'm gonna go home) Ar-go, no more Ar-go, (Sing one more and I'm gonna go home)

Hey there, filking fans, cut out de ARGO! (Sing one more and I'm gonna go home) Hey there, filking fans, cut out de ARGO! (Sing one more and Pin gonna go home)

Six foot, seven foot, eight foot shelf. (Sing one more and I'm gonna go home) So many filks, gonna do one myself! (Sing one more and I'm gonna go home)

ARRR-GO, NOT-AGAIN, NOT-AGAIN, NOT-AGAIN-0

You SUNG ONE MORE - NOW I'M GONNA GO HOME!


Here it is,• the original atrocity As you can see, this Frankensteinian epic didn't even start off innocent

BANNED FROM ARGO words and music Copyright Leslie Fish, 1977; original chording was in the key of C.

Copyright assigned to Random Factors. "Banned From Argo" was originally released in 1977 on Solar Sailors, a production of The Bandersnatchi

Press, Inc. This song was later printed in The Westerfilk Collection, Copyright 1980 by Jordin Kare

When we pulled into Argo Port in need of R. & R., The crew set out investigating every joint and bar. We had high expectations of their hospitality, But found too late it wasn't geared for spacers such as we.

Chorus: And we're banned from Argo, everyone. [We're] banned from Argo just for having a little fun. We spent a jolly shore leave there for just three days or four, But Argo doesn't want us anymore.

The Captain's tastes were simple, but his methods were complex. We found him with five partners, each of a different world and sex. The Shore Police were on the way — we had no second chance. We beamed him up in the nick of time — and the remnants of his pants.

CHORUS

Our Engineer would yield to none at putting down the brew; He outdrank seven space marines and a demolition crew.

se Navigator didn't win, but he outdrank almost all, And now they've got a shuttlecraft on the roof of City Hall.

CHORUS

Our proper, cool First Officer was drugged with something green, And hauled into an alley, where he suffered things obscene. He sobered up in Sickbay and he's none the worse for wear, Except he's somehow taught the bridge computer how to swear.

CHORUS

The Head Nurse disappeared awhile in the major Dope Bazaar, Buying an odd green potion "guaranteed to cause Pon-Farr". She came home with no uniform and an oddly cheerful heart, And a painful way of walking — with her feet a yard apart.

CHORUS

Our lady of Communications won a ship-wide bet By getting into the planet's main communications net. Now every time someone calls up on an Argo telescreen, The flesh is there, but the clothes they wear are nowhere to be seen.

CHORUS

Our Doctor loves Humanity; his private life is quiet. The Shore Police arrested him for inciting whores to riot. We found him in the city jail, locked on and beamed him free-

---- tact except for hickeys and six kinds of VD. CHORUS


Our Helmsman loves exotic plants; the plants all love him too. He took some down on leave with him, and we wondered what they'd do, 'Til the planetary governor called and swore upon his life That a gang of plants entwined his house and then seduced his wife!

CHORUS

A gang of pirates [Klingons] landed, and nobody seemed to care. They stamped into the nearest bar to announce that they were there. Half our crew was busy, and invited them to play, But the pirates only looked at us, and turned and ran away.

CHORUS

Our crew is Starfleet's finest, and our record is our pride. And when we play we tend to leave a trail a mile wide. We're sorry about the wreckage and the riots and the fuss; At least we're sure that planet won't be quick forgetting us!

CHORUS

6-6 6 "0 a a 6-0' 68 670 .C33 ) 2 I 0. a cair_o- 6.0 0 j 6 a 66 Ts 3 620 6 "ja ; 60' Csj 6-0' 6-0 .6 :0 15::c; Co a, 6 .0". "p Ts 6 " 6"0 ,c53 6'0 a

A Few Notes About "Banned From Argo" Itself... by Mary Creasey

The first thing the music-readers in the community are going to say is, "But that's not how it was in Wester/Ilk 1!" There's a reason for that: the song had been filk-processed in several different directions, including that of the WF transcriber, even before the assorted parodies began to appear. For this book, I thought to use the ur-text, as it were -- a direct transcription from the original 1977 Bandersnatchi Press Solar Sailors recording with the Dehorn Crew (which, by the way, was in the key of C, not G as WF1 had it). (There was no sheet music for it in Leslie's songbook.) That is what you see as "original version".

But after I printed it, I took another look at it -- and went to find all the recorded versions I had (and 1 do have them all). Uh-huh, Leslie filk-processed herself too, both in tune and lyrics. (Hey, whaddya expect from an Anarchist folkie, consistency??)

The original verse tune is credited as the tune of "Boston Burglar", an old folksong; knowing Leslie, and how she massages tunes to fit her artistic sense, the resemblances by now are probably faint. The second tune version is the version as sung on the 1987 Off Centaur Publications Star Trek album, Where No Man.... There are a number of melody differences in the lead line, and that also comes far nearer to the version usually sung these days (by Leslie or by other filkers). That is probably also the source for singing "Klingons" instead of "pirates" in verse 9; the lyrics as printed here are taken directly from an old piece of typescript I found in Leslie's songbook which I believe to be the original. Leslie used "pirates" on the original recording and on the live version on OCP's Bayfilk Crazies (recorded at Bayfilk 1 in 1982), as did the crowd singing along; that is also the version in both editions of Westerfilk I (originally published in 1980 by Jordin Kare, second edition published in 1996 by Wail Songs). All subsequent recorded versions used "Klingons".

I didn't include the various harmony-lines and descants used in the community or on recordings; these are meant to be basic texts. Your filkish mileage may (and will!) vary. Because -- after I listened to every published version 1 had, some several times, I remembered one of the reasons why BFA was, and still is, so popular: it not only has a very catchy tune, it's FUN! Sing it that way: add n-part harmonies, change the key if you need to (even during the song!), write more parodies--but have fun! (Just don't sing it to Leslie, huh?)


-do ••• But found too late it - was-n't geared for spacers-such as we. And we're hos - pi - tal - i - ty,

aro• „ • - IP

-0- -4 • • IP

Banned From Argo (original version) Leslie Fish

4rt = 2 0

C

F

C

When we pulled in - to Ar - go Port in need of R. & R., the

F

C

G7

C

crew set out in - ves - ti - ga - ting ev - 'ry joint and bar. We

had high ex - pee - ta - lions of their

F

C

F

C

G7 C

F

C

F

banned from Ar - go ev - ery - one. Banned from Ar - go, just for

12 3 G7 C

G

Am

hay - ing a little fun. We spent a jol - ly shore leave there, for just three days or four, But

15 G7

C

4J

Ar - go does - n't want us a - ny more.

1977 Leslie Fish; assigned to Random Factors

F C C = 1,20

40

-41P- 40-

Banned From Argo (1987 version) .

Leslie Fish

When we pulled in - to Ar - go Port in need of it & R., the

F

C

G7

C

a

AP- -411,-

crew set out in - yes - ti - ga - ting ev - ery joint and bar. We had high ex - pec to - tions of their

F

C

F

C

G7

hos - pi - tal i - ty, But found too late it was-n't geared for spa - cers such as we. And we're

F

C

F

banned from Ar - go ev - ery one. Banned from Ar - go just for 12 C 3 G7

G

Am

hav - ing a little fun. We spent a jol - ly shore leave there, for just three days or four, But

15 G7

C

a

•

•

Ar go does n't want us a - ny more.

1977 Leslie Fish; assigned to Random Factors

Alphabetical Index of Songs by Author

Al!cock, Phil et at _–...Ashjornsen, Charles et at

ass, Diana, et at Bell, Dave Benefiche, R. 1. Bernstein, Mark Bethancourt, Joe

18 14 18 35 65 7 36 68 69 40 62

Band from Argo BFA:TNG Band from Argo Banned from Argo (Mirror Universe) Then We Scanned Key Largo Just for Puns Argo: The Return Banned from Estrella Talking Banned from Argo Anti-Argo Banned from Pennsic Banned from Filkdom

Blackeagle, Kihe Bowen, Barbara Brener, Harry & Mara Brynna of Aelfstanbury see Barbara Bowen Buffum, Karen et at

Banned from Egils Buhler, Jeremy Argo Calypso: Part One Burton West, Roger et at

Ladies' Night on Argo Campbell, J'nae et at

Banned from Catalina Isle Charementaro, Jim et at

Banned from Egils Chua, Terence

Banned from Argo - V1.0 Beta Craft, Judy

The Fithp Invasion Song Creasey, John

Banned from Argo (Mirror Universe) Last Word A Planet

Culpin, Rafe et at

Band from Argo Daverin, Bob & Brenda

Banned from Argo — The Next Generation Davis, Kathie

Banned from Oxford Dominey, Dawn et at

Banned from Egils Ellis, Joe

Band from Argo Banned from Argo: Show-Stopper #1 Banned from Argo - V1.0 Beta

;ney, Dick

Song of the Fydraca's Crew Feld, Harold et at

BFA:TNG Filkers of TT IV

Banned from Argo Still Fish, Leslie

Banned from Argo Last Word

Fox-Davis, Jim & Susan

Banned from Argo: The Next Generation Glass, Brett et at

Camp Argo - the Worldfilk Affair Gold, Lee

Eye of Argon: the filksong Gordon, Barbara

Banned from Seagirt Grumer, Avram

Banned from Egypt Guthrie, J-Mag et al

Banned from Argo (Short Version) Hodge, David

Ban "Banned" Banned from Armor

Hoperoft, Michael

Banned from ACME Housden, Valerie R. Why That Song? Hugill, Chris et at

Banned from Catalina Isle Joseph of Locksley: see Joe Bethancourt Ironhawk, Lord Mikal: see Bruce Webb Jerscheid, Charlotte: see Charlotte (Jerscheid) Marek Justin du Coeur: see Mark Waks Kabakjian, Carol

Early One Morning Kanefsky, Bob

Argo's Fire-Breathing Daughter They're Singing "Banned from Argo"

Kelson, Jan Leslie Fish's Melody Writing Porno

Kestrel, Linnet: see Barbara Gordon Larry D., III Argo Revisited

Deep Space Argo

Bastard Children of Argo

33 8 75 32 33 83 56 35 87 62 18 22 84 33 16 23 83 66 14 26 88 87 24 80 54 44 34 28 20 9 19 78 32

53 11 70 15 86

12 51

page 92

Waks, Mark Webb, Bruce Weingart, David Welch, Nick Whistler, Jeanne Willett, Paul Wilson, Nicole Wood, Keith

Ghost Filkers

49 Que Neo, Neo

63 Camp Argo - the Worldfilk Affair

80

Camp Argo - the Worldfilk Affair

80 Banned from Argyle

29 Banned from Catalina Isle

32

Banned from Argo - V1.0 Beta

83 Absolutely the Last Remake of "Fuel to Feed the Drive" 6 Camp Argo - the Worldfilk Affair

80

Voyage beyond All Belief

31 Banned from Russia

42 Banned to Egypt

46 BFA:TNG

14 Scans to Argo

74 Where No Fish Has Gone Before

76

Banned from ConChord

30 Tired of Argo 71

Filking Argo

58 Griefsleeves

27 Sick of Argo 42

Canned by Argo

52 Tired of Argo 71

11 Marmel Anti-Argo Banned from Filking Medea's Curse Camp Argo - the Worldfilk Affair Camp Argo - the Worldfilk Affair Scans to Argo Argo to "Sloop John B." The Fithp Invasion Song The U.S. and Us Like a Tribble to the Slaughter Voyager Ladies' Night on Argo Banned from Sturgis Banned from Hiltons A Use for Argo Argo Every Day The Banned from Argo's Ghost The Chase Banned from Argo (Short Version) Move Over, Dr. Frankenstein Banned from Filking Filk "Banned from Argo" Banned from Argo Again Camp Argo - the Worldfilk Affair Banned from ConChord

Bound for Pennsic Banned from Pennsic Bored with Argo Banned from Seagirt Banned from Catalina Isle The "Bound for Argo" Suite Banned from Oxford Banned from Argo, the Next Generation Banned from Argo - New Verse

Kirby, Larry D., III

Kwinn, Paul et at Leathers, Graham et al Levine, Rennie Liebmann, Michael et al Lim, Keith Long, Quentin Macdonald, Steve et al

McGath, Gary

Maier, Claire et at

Mailander, Jane et at Malcolmson, Scott Marek, Charlotte (Jerscheid)

Marmel, M. Mitchell

Mason. Major Malt: see M Mitche Moursund, Beth Nisbet, Andrew O'Brien, Maureen S. Ohi, Debbie et al Osier, Mark et at

Pepper, Dr. Philips, Carol Piziks, Steven Polowin, Joel

Richards, Mike et at Ridenour, Mark V. Rogow, Roberta

Rosenfeld, Robert Scorpia

Shapero, Kay

Shuch, H. Paul Smothers, Harry Snyder, W. Scott "Cosmo"

Thomas, Dean et al Von Winierbach, Klaus: see Nick Welch

20 79 60 80 80 64 10 56 72 59 63 75 43 38 73 82 28 50 28 61 37 55 57 80 30

47 39 17 44 32 48 84 21 60


A

+.80A114 0 Rei■Ckt:

+IS

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TANNEE

ARCO N486÷ OFF Limns TO SOME VESSELS

+DEEP

ARCO SECTOR SHO'WINC PRINCIPAL PORTS AND NAVIGATIONAL BEACON STARS SEE ATTACHED DOCUMENTATION FOR BACKCROUND ON NOTED VESSEL RESTRICTIONS. THIS INFORMATION IS CLASSIFIED AS: RESTRICTED TO RELEVANT FLEET PERSOUNELN

DS-6/9/19/8-ARcoREF

•

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