Aug. 27, 2009

In the Middle PA� DOXCULTURE OPINION SPORTS

FEATURE

CAMPUS NEWS

pages 8 and 9

“UCCS student passes away”

“Out of bed, out the door: Five minutes to a � awless look”

“MySpace and Facebook and Twi� er- oh my!”

“Athlete Spotlight: David Mueller”

“Trouble in OSA: Massive amounts of gossamer go missing”

page 4

page 10 page 7page 13

page 15

phone: (719) 255 - 3658 | fax: (719) 255 - 3600 | email: [email protected] | website: www.uccsscribe.com CONTACT |

“Former SGA Presi-dent to run for County Commissioner”

“� e o� cial student newspaper of the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs.”

August 27 to September 2, 2009 [Volume 34; Issue 1]

t he scribe

Mos Def, Talib Kweli, and Hi-Tek threw a show last Friday that spanned nearly the entirety of American music. Jay Electronica, for-mer boyfriend and long-time musical accom-plice of Erykah Badu, opened the event at the Gothic � eatre in Den-ver. � ough many open-ing acts tend to bore their listeners by playing songs that no one is fa-miliar with, Electronica did something a li� le di� erent: He engaged the audience by talking about things everyone is familiar with, like sex, Twi� er, Facebook and MySpace. Next up was Re� ec-tion Eternal, a project composed of Talib Kweli and producer/rapper Hi-Tek. Kweli began with some of his newer � ows such as “Say Somethin’.” To wind down the au-dience, he included the slow jam, “Never Been in Love,” then kicked things right up again by bringing Hi-Tek out from behind the decks with “How We Do It.” Kweli’s impeccable vo-cal style, coupled with Hi-Tek’s mixing abilities, closed out the set with the bangers “Get ‘em High” and “Back Again.” � en came the man of the hour, the multi-talented, modern Re-

A history lesson, mos de� nitelyWRI� EN BY:

Randy RobinsonColumnist

� e Engineering building has become a popular place to visit during summer break. Photo by Kevin Kassem

Science and Engineering Building opens for fall

naissance-man Mos Def, who entered the theatre quietly, in the dark, and revealed himself behind a set of drums. He start-ed o� with “Superma-gic,” rapping and pound-ing skins at the same time. A� erward, he le� the drums and snatched up an old carbon micro-phone, the type tradi-tionally used by sports and radio announcers, to do “Twilite Speed-ball,” “Casa Bey,” “Life in Marvelous Times” and “Auditorium.” Mos Def does not simply enjoy music: He experiences it religious-ly, and his inclusion of America’s musical in� u-ences shows his rever-ence for the art. Several of his well-known tracks, such as “Hater Player,” were remixed to include colorful snippets from obscure or forgo� en American compositions. As a musical cosmopoli-tan, he even sang his en-tirely Spanish ballad, “No Hay Nada Mas,” which silenced the crowd, then brought a clamorous ap-plause once he � nished. Mos Def is known for crossing between so many genres he doesn’t neatly � t into the “hip-hop” label. His set included samples that stretched through America’s musical histo-ry, with bits of rock and roll, R&B, soul, gospel, reggae, Latin, funk, song foolery, and even

Continued on page 10

Returning UCCS stu-dents may recall fearing that construction would forever plague the walk from the residence halls to the University Center. Good news has come: the chaos has � nally ebbed. � e new Science and Engineering Building, the object of the recent construction, is com-plete as of its dedication ceremony on August 6th. � e new building is com-plete with classrooms, faculty and sta� o� ces, research labs and other innovative characteris-tics. � e 156,000 gross square foot complex is the largest building on the UCCS campus, ac-

WRI� EN BY:

Catherine JensenCampus News Editor

cording to an article in Communique, a UCCS online newsle� er for sta� and faculty. � e Science and Engineering Building (SENG) will house sev-eral departments. � e departments of biology, physics, and mechanical and aerospace engineer-ing as well as the Nation-al Institute for Science, Space and Security Cen-ters and the CU Institute for Bioenergetics will all be located in the impres-sively immense space. � e building’s services will not be exclusively reserved for members of the UCCS commu-nity, the Communique article stated. SENG also contains a K-12 cen-ter which will provide young students with the opportunity to explore the world of science and engineering. Interactive

centers, referred to as “imagination stations,” will teach visitors about the building and allow them to participate in experiments intended to encourage an interest in engineering and the sci-ences. In addition to its gen-erous facilities, SENG exudes a relaxed atmo-sphere through both scienti� c and aesthetic characteristics. One of the most astounding ways in which it does so is through the Foucault pendulum located just beyond the front doors. � e Foucault pendulum originated in 1851 and was named a� er French physicist Leon Fou-cault. � e experiment was conceived to dem-onstrate the rotation of the earth. � e pendulum in the new building was created by artists Po Shu

Wang and Louise Ber-telsen, and is one of � ve in Colorado, according to the article in Commu-nique. � e new building is as bene� cial to the mind as it is to the environment, according to Linda Ko-gan, director of the o� ce of sustainability on cam-pus. � is highly energy e� cient building houses features such as solar power, high-e� ciency heating and cooling sys-tems, and motion cen-sored lights. Kogan stat-ed in an e-mail interview that the building is de-signed to be 30 percent more energy e� cient and 42 percent more water e� cient than a traditionally built build-ing. SENG has achieved a Leadership in Energy and Environmental De-

Continued on page 4

“� e Metropolitain: a taste of the old city”

page 10

page 4

“UCCS golf team o� to a new start”

page 12

“� e RealCost ofCollege”

word of the scribe2August 27 to September 2, 2009

Jackie ParkinsonExecutive Editor

Midnight light up

Midnight light up. Just three simple words can mean a multitude of events and circumstanc-es and can reconvene memories of a favorite past time. A favorite past time can refer to having a napkin blow up in your face a� er lighting it on � re, or even playing with a lighter to singe an acrylic nail a� er scream-ing that you were on � re. Alas, pyrotechnic ten-dencies taint my mem-ory, but midnight light up means more than just midnight light up, as you can surely see. � ese three li� le words were originally cut out of my column in the orien-tation issue. I chose to do this will-ingly, but realized the gravity of my omission in later days. While I had only pressed delete, I had taken with it some of my favorite memories as a freshman, in fear that I would be ridiculed and accused of unmention-able habits that I have never embarked upon. Such is the power of the wri� en word: at its worst, it ruins lives, de-stroys reputations and ignores the truths star-ing it in the face; but at its best, it uncovers these truths with due regard to the individu-als involved, providing a voice to the readers and

being a watchdog for the community in which it serves. Being a reporter, I have seen � rsthand the power of the wri� en word, and the grasp it can take hold of anyone. Words wri� en in one paper can echo to another media outlet, then to another, and still another, until they have spread the word so far that even a jay walker on the street can tell you that there are people in town meetings all across the country who are will-ing to say anything about health care reform. Right now we have millions upon millions of people reaching out to their town o� cials to express their views on healthcare, just to have their voice heard. While the manner in which these choice few are ex-pressing themselves may seem juvenile to some, it is irrefutable that they are making their voice heard, when a sole voice is all they have. � e passion that these members of soci-ety demonstrate is only one that I can hope for the students of UCCS to embrace. Too o� en have I seen a low turnout to discuss a vital issue at our university, and it is about time that the stu-dents speak up. We need to speak up about what we want our campus to be, because a� er all we outnumber the faculty, administration and sta� combined, and without our hard-earned dollars funding the university, it would cease to function. With no disregard to the e� ort that has been put forth by faculty, ad-ministration and sta�

to be� er our campus, it can be argued that each move made on campus may or may not be in the student’s best interest, and only by writing these words and reporting the facts in mass quantities can it be seen by the stu-dent body. � is is my town hall meeting. � e dissemination of information is what our society runs on today and without it, we can-not survive; and without it, our students have no voice. Without a student voice on campus, UCCS can be torn down by the pe� iest of storms, and the lack of the writ-ten word can be cause for corruption, because a� er all, without stu-dents willing to speak up about what occurs on our campus, how can we expect ourselves to have a voice? With this, � e Scribe can promise you that we will not show a blind eye to the happenings on campus. Whether they are positive or negative; whether they bode good or ill for the university; and whether they do or do not involve a phrase as controversial as mid-night light up; we can promise that each of our sta� members is fully trained to uncover the truth at our university and, of course, inform the students in a fair and accurate manner. A� er all, we are � rst and foremost a student newspaper to serve as a voice to the students of UCCS.

Contact the writer at [email protected]

Dear UCCS Campus Community:

le� er to the editor:Supporting our LGBTQ1IA

PRIDE Faculty and Sta�

scribe sta�

Executive EditorJackie Parkinson

Managing EditorTimothy Canon

Copy Editor

Culture EditorAvalon Manly

striving to present the truth to the students by creating an open forum for opinions and ideas

Opinion EditorByron Graham

Campus News EditorCatherine Jensen

Sports EditorMa� hew Crandall

Layout EditorRosa Byun

Advertising ManagerSarah Tindell

ReportersRicky Dalldorf, Jim Holtz, Carrie Horner, Chris Medina, Lauren Mueller, David Owens

PhotographersKiley Card, Ariel La� imore, Carrie Woodru�

IllustratorArno

Randy Robinson

Interning ReportersPatricia Cameron, Justin Case, Brock Kilgore, Jessica Vaughan

Interning PhotographersShawn Cruse, Kevin Kassem

ColumnistsTim Canon, Erica Doudna, Byron Graham, Greg Reilly,

DistributorDonald Trujillo

Web DesignerDorian Rogers

Layout Designers

Alec Bishop, Justin Soto

to participate along with SPECTRUM, MOSA-IC, and a wide variety of the university’s faculty, students, sta� and ad-ministrators in a UCCS contingent that marched together in the July 19, 2009 Colorado Springs Pridefest parade! Between 70 to 100 individuals from UCCS walked in unity, despite the rain, to demonstrate our core values of cel-ebrating and a� rming diversity.

All members and af-� liates of the UCCS PRIDE commi� ee wish to express our heartfelt gratitude for this amaz-ing show of solidar-ity. We look forward to helping support other campus initiatives that respect and encourage the broad spectrum of our campus community and we look forward to helping grow this broad support for diversity in coming years.

� is past year we ini-tiated PRIDE, a UCCS -LGBTQIA Faculty and Sta� Commi� ee, to serve the campus and wider community. We are moving forward on several fronts to address issues and to build a stronger understanding and expression of mutual respect and appreciation of diversity in general at UCCS. It was a wonder-ful culmination of our � rst year’s activities for the PRIDE commi� ee

� e Scribe strongly encourages Le� ers to the Editor. Le� ers intended for publication must not exceed 300 words, must be legible and must in-clude the writer’s name and telephone number. Le� ers must be turned into � e Scribe O� ce, emailed or delivered to � e Scribe mailbox in the ROAR o� ce by 5 p.m. the Friday before publication. � e Scribe reserves the right to reject Le� ers to the Editor that are libelous or obscene and has the right to edit as necessary due to space limitations, grammatical or spelling errors and AP style guideline errors.

Additional copies of the current publication volume will be available in � e Scribe o� ce. � e Scribe keeps issues from the past � ve volumes for internal use only. � e O� ce of University Records will handle any request for additional issues from the past � ve years and beyond.

Archives

Le� ers to the Editor

student life8/27/2009 - 9/2/2009news in brief

Earlier this month, an Anchorage, Alaska man walked into a bank and robbed it, only to be caught three days later. � e reason for his speedy arrest? Prior to the actual act of robbing, the man handed the teller his account number and a photo ID.

Hi, I’m Bob and I’m here to rob you!”Most people realize that the only way of ge� ing out of a speeding ticket is to put on a pre� y face and hope the cop is in a good mood, but Sco� Gibson of Mount Carmel, Tennessee apparently missed the memo. Tennessee Police arrested Gibson for impersonation of a CIA o� cer a� er issuing him a speeding citation. Whereas most people simply pay the ticket a� er their elaborate schemes fail, Gibson mailed back the citation and claimed he was the deputy chief of the CIA and thus immune to local speed zones. Police said he owed the money whether he was or wasn’t a CIA o� cial—but checked with the Agency anyway and found out the man was lying. � at’s one way to make a $75 speeding ticket turn into $500 bond.

Who knew CIA agents could get tickets?

what’s going on today?

photo of the week by the scribe

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this page is:the student life page is for the

students. send in your pics and quotes of the week, � nd out

what’s happening, and just have a laugh.

sudoku! (hard)

instructions:

i hope you know how to play sudoku know because it’s been around for, like, forev-er, and it is a little suprising that you’re bothering to read this anyway. look it up online. google ‘how to sudoku.’

the � rst person to bring this completed sudoku will recieve a schweeeet Scribe t-shirt.

bottom � oor UCenter rm. 106

quote of the week:

“Human life is basically a comedy … a man who can laugh, if only at himself, is never really miserable”

email your quotes of the week to [email protected]

~ H.L. Menchken

want to see your event listed here? email [email protected] by friday at 5pm

sun.30

mon.31 tues.

01wed.

02 thu.03

fri.04

sat.05

Jedi Mind Tricks @ 8:00am at The Black Sheep in Colorado Springs

Happenings with Mi-chael Reyes on UCCS Radio @ 3pm

In the Zone @ 10am on UCCS Radio

John’s Place @ 4:30pm on UCCS Radio

Slipknot & Anthrax @ Colo-rado Springs World Arena

Commuter Student Donuts @ 7:30am in UC

Rockslide Radio @ 4:00pm on UCCS Radio

Ultimate Fris-bee tournament @ 4 diamonds 8:00am

Modest Mouse @ Fillmore, Denver, CO

Darius Rucker @ Colorado State Fair, Pueblo, CO

Men’s (5:15pm) and Women’s (5:45pm) Cross Country host Rust Buster Invitational @ Monument Val-ley Park

Darius Rucker @ Colorado State Fair, Pueblo, CO

Arno

campus news4August 27 to September 2, 2009

Former SGA Presi-dent to run for County Commissioner

Former SGA President and current student Da-vid Williams announced last May his bid to run for El Paso County’s 5th District County Com-missioner seat in 2010, a move surprising to many but one that he says, “just felt like the right decision.” Williams, well known for his part in a controver-sy on the UCCS campus last year involving GBLT club SPECTRUM, says he is running because he is concerned with what he described as the county’s looming budget problems. “I’d like to get in there to do what I can to help solve those problems,” Williams told � e Scribe over the phone. “For ex-ample, the original 2009 budget had a 6 to 7 mil-lion dollar de� cit. � e county ended up paying for it with emergency funds. I would have tried to make necessary cuts instead of grabbing emergency funds.,” re-sponded Williams. Williams has pledged that, if elected, he will donate 10 percent of his salary every year back to the county. He has sent le� ers to the other can-didates asking for similar pledges. � ough many Republi-cans � nd such a platform agreeable, some local Republicans are con-cerned about Williams’ entry into the race. Peggy Li� leton, state of Colorado education board member and one of the 5th district candi-dates, stated that she is running based on her ex-perience making tough decisions with the state

WRI� EN BY:

Tim CanonManaging Editor

board, and would prefer if someone with more experience took the seat. “David Williams is a nice kid,” she told � e Scribe in an interview. “I think he’ll make a good, conservative leader in the future. But I think he needs some experience in the real world, cu� ing his teeth with something larger than a student gov-ernment budget, instead of cu� ing his teeth on a county commissioner’s seat.”

Ed Jones, who served as county commissioner from 1995 to 2003 and has also had limited ex-perience working with Williams, is less con-cerned with his young opponent’s credentials. “One thing about it is that we [the Republican party] are a big tent, and anybody can run. We en-courage people to get in-volved in politics, espe-cially locally: ‘All politics is local.’” “If you’ve got � ve candidates in the race, you’re probably going to be spli� ing some votes somewhere. But that’s all part of the process,” Jones � nished. Je� Crank, who runs

the local radio segment “� e Je� Crank Show” on KVOR, is more con-cerned about the poten-tial for spli� ing votes. “I’m glad to see people ge� ing involved. I don’t think you have to be a political insider to run,” he o� ered. “But I do think it is di� cult when you haven’t ‘paid your dues.’” “It will require rais-ing a lot of money in the community, and get-ting out and ge� ing his name known. It could be a pre� y tough challenge for him,” Crank � nished.Crank is mainly con-cerned that Williams adds one more to an already long list of can-didates. Currently, � ve candidates, all of whom Crank insists are “good conservatives,” are vy-ing for the Republican nomination. � ere are rumors, however, that Colorado Springs Mayor Lionel Rivera—whom Crank and others in the local party don’t agree with quite as much—plans to join the � eld as well. If this happens, Crank is concerned that the � ve “conservatives” will split the vote and enable Mayor Rivera to win o� of name identi� cation alone. Crank is personally in favor of a narrower � eld to be� er oppose Mayor Rivera, but Williams stated in his interview with � e Scribe that “If it’s close, all the candi-dates get on at the coun-ty assembly, I probably won’t drop out.” � e primary election will be held in August 2010.


UCCS student passes away

Josh Green, a twenty-three-year old � lm stu-dent at UCCS, passed away last week of “com-plications from a serious illness,” according to a statement sent out Mon-day by University Rela-tions. According to the state-ment, the Air Academy High School graduate was to be a senior this year at UCCS. “I o� er my condo-

WRI� EN BY:


lences, on behalf of the university, to the friends and family of Josh Green,” Chancellor Pam Shockley-Zalabak said in an email sent to the en-tire faculty. “Josh was certainly a talented kid, talented enough to ful� ll his dreams of being in the � lm industry,” Dr. Rob-ert Von Dassanowsky, Director of Film Stud-ies, told � e Scribe in an interview. “He recently became active in the UCCS Film Club, and we were very grateful for his help. We will miss

him terribly.” “Our program, the de-partment, and the cam-pus as a whole will be di-minished because of the loss,” he concluded. � e funeral service was held Monday at St. Francis of Assisi Catho-lic Church. Memorial contributions are being collected for the Josh Green Memorial Fund, to be used for the ONE campaign, according to � e Gaze� e obituary published last Sunday.


“I think he needs some experience in the real world, cu� ing his teeth with something larger than a stu-dent government budget, instead of cu� ing his teeth on a county com-missioner’s seat.”

- Peggy Li� leton5th District Candidate

sign (LEED) Gold certi-� cation. Student Shannon Sirvantis, an electrical engineering major and student ambassador, couldn’t help but express excitement over the new addition to campus. “� ere is a room full of bones, skulls, full skel-etons and fully stu� ed animals,” said Sirvan-tis, whose position as a Student Ambassador has allowed him to fully explore the building. Sir-vantis expressed excited-ly that the highlights of this room include “a ful-ly stu� ed black bear cub, a fully stu� ed mountain lion, and a hippo skull

with teeth.” Sirvantis also added that the general charac-teristics of the building provide reason enough to visit. “If you are look-ing for a place to kill some time there are some outside balconies that have fantastic views of our campus and Pikes Peak. � e balconies will also have some snack shops too.” Sirvantis rec-ommends that visitors to the building. “Relax, soak up the sun and chow down.” Sirvantis is not the only one looking forward to utilizing the new build-ing. “� e feedback to the building has been over-

whelmingly positive,” stated Jennifer Hane, director of university advancement. “Faculty, sta� and students are all excited about the new opportunities for teach-ing and research that the building will bring to both the campus and to southern Colorado,” stated Hane. Sirvantis closed with words of encouragement for his fellow students. “Just go check it out; you might fall in love with science just by being in there.”


Science and Engineering Building opens for fall (cont.)

Continued � om � ont page

UCCS students observe and experiment with the Pendulum that moves in accordance with your heart rate in the new Science and Engineering Building. Kevin Kassem

ADVERTISING

University Village shopping complex to open next month

� e University Village shopping center, located at N. Nevada Ave. near I-25, is scheduled to open on or around Oct. 29. � e businesses plan-ning to partake in the grand opening include Lowe’s, Kohl’s and Cost-co, as well as a variety of restaurants and smaller businesses. Mom-and-pop shops and chain stores are both in place alongside one another in University Village. Chipotle, Pan-era Bread, Noodles and Company, a number of co� ee shops and a movie rental store are just a few of the installations that will be available for use by Christmas. Kevin Kra� , of Kra� Commercial Properties, one of a few developers participating in the proj-ect, explained that not all the buildings are yet leased, and that his com-pany is in the midst of reviewing several di� er-ent leasing applications before deciding on what businesses will occupy the remaining empty spaces. � e complex contains shops that college stu-dents are likely to use, ensuring a steady stream of business. “� ere’s a good level of activity for the project despite the economy,” Kra� says. � e formerly three-lane road has been ex-panded to six, three � owing in either direc-

tion and separated by a median. Two sets of tra� c lights have been installed, scheduled for activation later this fall. � ere is also a smooth-er entrance to the Four Diamond parking lots. � e entrance connects directly with N. Nevada Ave., instead of Eagle Rock, whose street ac-cess has also been al-tered and repaved. � e shu� les that travel from UCCS to Four Dia-monds will be provided with an easier commute that is also more rapid and e� cient. � e alterations to the streets have alerted sev-eral of the smaller shops along N. Nevada. A man-ager of Senor Manuel’s, a family-owned Mexican restaurant that has nes-tled at the corner of Aus-tin Blu� s Parkway and Nevada Ave. for decades, worries that the street’s new curbs will diminish their business because they disallow free access to their parking lots from the street, instead direct-ing cars to speci� c spots at which to turn. “But we’ve been here for 39 years,” she says, smiling. “We’re not going any-where.” In order to provide UCCS students with safer, more able access to University Village, an un-derpass was constructed this summer. It crosses beneath all six lanes of tra� c and is lit naturally in daylight through slits in its metal roof, and by night with arti� cial lights installed in the tunnel’s curved walls and ceiling.

It opens on the southern side to a plaza and a strip of restaurants and small-er stores, with the three larger businesses on its borders. � e underpass allows students to approach University Village with-out crossing through tra� c, making the trek from campus to the shopping complex much safer. � e campus police will also be adding the tunnel to their regular patrol route, as part of an inner governmental agreement with the city of Colorado Springs that provides them jurisdic-tion in that area, as well as over the UCCS cam-pus. Chief Jim Spice of the Colorado Springs Police Department stationed at UCCS assures that the tunnel will be checked multiple times daily, though the monitoring cameras that were for-merly rumored are not a part of the tunnel’s � nal-ized plan. “We’re already in that area; we already routinely patrol that,” he says.


campus news 5August 27 to September 2, 2009

UCCS: One of the leaders in student employment

WRI� EN BY:

Randy RobinsonCopy Editor

� e UCCS campus is making waves with its sheer number of student employees, and the stu-dents are bene� ting as well. According to Mark Ho� man, the student employment and Ame-ricorps Coordinator at the Financial Aid O� ce, UCCS employs a higher proportion of students than most universities. Considering the state of the economy, this is a blessing for college stu-dents who may need to work more hours, but who do not want to sac-ri� ce the time and com-mitment required by most of the jobs available to them. Even with loans, scholarships, grants, and perhaps even allowances from the parents, ge� ing by can mean scraping by for some. � ere are several ben-e� ts of university jobs for students. Besides the generous pay, which can range from $8 to $15 an hour, it’s no secret that a lot of college jobs give student employ-ees the space to study during downtime. � e campus’s location also provides ease of travel, as some employees can walk straight from class to their job, then back to class. Student employment also cuts down on drop-outs. “� ere’s greater

retention among stu-dents who work for the school,” said Ho� man. “Since they work here, they stay here.” � e university also bene� ts from student employees. With work-study, the government shells out nearly three-quarters of the pay that goes to those students who qualify for aid. � e fed’s pay-matching puts less of a strain on the school’s budget. � ere are, however, some cons to student employment. Ho� man added, “Turnover can be a downside, but it’s not much of an issue.” Al-though student turnover on campus may be high-er than at non-university jobs, training tends to be simple if not absent for many positions; neither does training cost much in the end. Other issues may ap-pear in the near future. “� e problem is that more students are com-ing here,” warned Ho� -man, “and the pot of money is not keeping up with demand.” Cur-rently, 1300 students are employed at UCCS, and even as the student pop-ulation grows, Ho� man does not see the same increase for the number of student jobs. Finally, there is the hourly cap included with every student job on campus. Budgets aside, Ho� man assures that this cap is due to academic reasons, not monetary constraints. “We don’t

WRI� EN BY:

Avalon ManlyCulture Editor

want [students] to work more than twenty hours a week, because research shows that it a� ects aca-demic performance.” � e research, according to Ho� man, found that working beyond twenty hours means students’ grades have the potential to slip. Working for forty hours or more can seri-ously hinder educational success. For those stu-dents who have debts, bills or families, having just one campus job may not be enough. But Ho� man insists that students have other options available. He suggested that students who need some extra help should look into vol-unteer service through Americorps, which he said was “underutilized” at UCCS. Although “volunteer” may not sound glamorous to the capitally-inclined stu-dents, Americorps of-fers a $1000 reward that can be applied to school costs at the end of vol-unteer service, which typically averages to a li� le less than six hours a week. Volunteer service, besides looking good on a resume or transcript, can also be a stepping stone into an internship or a full-on career. To � nd out more about student employment or Americorps service, contact Mark Ho� man at mho� [email protected].


Site BreakdownCostco

Lowes

Kohl’s

Parking Lots

� e site plan of the future buildings at University Village. Graphic by Rosa Byun

smaller stores

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Place a classified in scribead.com

or contact the Advertising Manager, Sarah Tindell at, [email protected]

or (719) 255 - 3469

opinion6August 27 to September 2, 2009

Assisted suicide: A new direction

WRI� EN BY:


� e recent decision by an Australian State Supreme Court giving quadriplegic Christian Rossiter the right to starve to death shows with clarity that assisted suicide law in the United States—which could not even deal with such a case—is inadequate, and that the debate needs to be reevaluated on more reasonable lines if we are to make any headway. Americans tend to be con� icted on this issue: Most polls show them basically split on doctor-assisted suicide. A re-direction of the debate might bring to light some issues not normally con-

sidered and help expand the debate beyond the shouting now character-izing it. A good starting point would be to reconsider the premises of the de-bate. Currently, one side shouts “life” while the other shouts “liberty”. People like Rossiter don’t have any place in such a debate. But there needs to be laws that al-low room for more com-passion in dealing with this man’s not-so-unrea-sonable request to die. Rossiter’s main con-tention—that his qual-ity of life had decreased to such an extent that life was simply not worth living—cannot be con-ceded by pro-life orga-nizations like National Right to Life, because this � ies in the face of their moral basis. And since the morals that in� uence the pro-lifers have clouded the debate, the liberty perspective of organizations like Eu-thanasia Research and Guidance Organization is barely considered. Where common ground

has been established, it has been agreed that an individual’s right to die may apply, but only in cases where death is im-minent anyway; in other words, terminal illnesses like cancer. � is narrow common ground doesn’t incorpo-rate a case like Rossiter’s, where disability has de-creased the quality of life to such an extent that death is preferable to life. It seems reasonable that this quality of life premise should be con-sidered more seriously so that patients like Mr. Rossiter might at least consider assisted suicide as an option, not only to save themselves poten-tial pain, but also to save the heartache and � nan-cial pain that would also likely fall to their families if kept alive. � e quality of life premise has certain ad-vantages to the premises that currently dominate the debate. For example, it avoids the extremities that characterize both morally-charged right-to-life organizations, and

the pure-and-unadul-terated-liberty perspec-tives that dominate the other side. A quality of life premise also allows a bit more � exibility on deciding who can die when. Instead of con-� ning the debate to ter-minally ill cases alone, a wider variety of cases, including Mr. Rossiter’s, can be considered. Of course, using qual-ity of life as the starting point for assisted sui-cide debates has obvi-ous drawbacks. Who decides how to calculate quality of life? Assuming the � rst question can be answered, at what point does it become legal to commit voluntary sui-cide, and who gets to set that threshold? � ese are very serious considerations. � e � rst question may be impos-sible to answer for any-one but the patient. If this is true, and if we are to therefore avoid any arbitrary indexes of “life quality” and such, then the only opinion that ma� ers is the patient’s and we come full circle

back to the extreme, pure-liberty argument currently in� uencing one side of the debate. One solution to this problem is to take for granted that only the pa-tient can decide if he or she wants to die. � en all that needs to be de-cided is whether or not we should believe the patient. One necessary step in this process is to en-sure the patient receives proper doctor consulta-tion and is fully informed about the realities of his or her illness, the possi-bilities of a future cure, etc. Oregon’s Death with Dignity Act requires two doctor’s opinions, with full consultations from both and an infusion of information to the pa-tient concerning the de-cision. A be� er policy that went beyond terminally ill patients might require three or four doctor con-sultations instead of just two. � at way, the pa-tient, who in the initial stages of the disability may be experiencing se-

rious mental issues like depression, can be given the chance to receive ad-equate information con-cerning his or her situ-ation. A certain waiting period—perhaps two years, or maybe three—could also be required to allow the patient some time to think. All of these proposals involve a certain pater-nal aspect that does not coincide with the val-ues of individual liberty around which the Unit-ed States was built. � ey also completely margin-alize right-to-lifers, who accept suicide under no circumstances. But at least they allow some room for discus-sion and with emotion-ally-charged issues like assisted suicide, which are currently dominated by individuals who make up a small portion of the situation anyway, discus-sion, rather than shout-ing, is exactly what is needed.


� e big truth about health care reformWRI� EN BY:

Greg ReillyColumnist

As you may know the midterm elections are coming up relatively soon. You may also know that the health care bill is the Democrats’ Holy Grail—Clinton couldn’t do it, and it’s been o� the radar since Republicans were in o� ce. Health care reform is one of the big-topic, “we’ve been trying to do this forever” issues for Democrats. � is time around, the Democrats are a hair’s breadth away from actu-ally making it happen. What would happen if a health care reform bill gets signed into law? � e

Democrat-controlled Congress goes into elec-tions saying, “See? We made this huge change despite the Republicans trying to � ght it o� in an example of partisan poli-tics, the sort of partisan politics we all hate!” Congress has had a generally negative ap-proval rating in the past few terms, and if the Democrats can “prove” they’re not weak by passing massive changes through a Congress they control, they might have a solid, blanket talking point in the upcoming elections. � e opposite goes for the Republicans. If they can stymie the bill in Congress, the Repub-licans can go into the

elections citing the in-ability of Democrats to do anything in Congress for two years, “because the people don’t want socialism” and so on. It’s

a tried and true method and the Republicans are much be� er at it than the Democrats can ever hope to be. � e “health care re-form” bill is the ba� le-ground that’s been cho-sen for the upcoming election—thankful ly

de� ecting the whole “economy” and “war” issues, which neither side can really speak on because neither side has been able to really make signi� cant progress with either. � e Democrats are pulling out all the stops to get this bill pushed through to the Presi-dent’s desk. Spli� ing the bill into two separately debatable parts, using a Congressional proce-dure called reconcilia-tion to avoid � libuster, bipartisan talks to � nd compromise, and the idea of simply blustering the legislation through. � is isn’t about health care reform. � is is about your votes in 2010. � at’s the big truth

underneath the misin-formation about “death panels” and “public op-tions” and “socialism” and the rest. It comes down to votes. I don’t mean to sound like some cynic si� ing around mu� ering about the twisted corruption of politicians, because this isn’t even some grand corruption—it simply is politics. You’ll know the out-come in the coming months if you miss it in the top billing on Drudge or Hu� ngton Post, because come elec-tion time, you’re sure to be reminded again and again.


“� is isn’t about health care reform. � is is about your votes in 2010.”

Recycle this paper!

opinion 7August 27 to September 2, 2009

� e racism scale

WRI� EN BY:

Byron GrahamColumnist

Last month, conser-vative pundit and feral word-vomiter Glenn Beck of Fox News ap-peared on that station’s morning news program Fox and Friends, where he argued that President Barack Obama nourish-es a “deep-seated hatred for white people or the

white culture… this guy is, I believe, a racist.” Now that may seem like a shocking claim to make about the United States’ � rst biracial presi-dent, especially when considering that Mr. Obama was raised pre-dominantly by his white mother and grandpar-ents, and that his sta� are predominantly white. But Glenn Beck is less interested in facts than in counting the pro� t that such vitriol has earned him among a small but � ercely dedicated fol-lowing of mouth-breath-ers who feel their coun-try slipping away. Media personalities like Beck or Rush Limbaugh have identi� ed a consumer niche: the middle class

white male who frightens at the prospect of whites sharing sovereignty with ethnic minorities. Or, more directly, racists. Racism is a consis-tently controversial sub-ject, which is re� ected by Americans’ fascination with racial politics and, conversely, racial hu-mor. Racism was a toxic foundational element in the nascent years of our country and it has plagued our national character since. According to Diction-ary.com, racism is simply de� ned as “hatred or in-tolerance of another race or races.” � is seems like a direct enough de� ni-tion until one considers how widely this word is used and the litany of

MySpace and Facebook and Twi� er— oh my!WRI� EN BY:

Erica DoudnaColumnist

I once read an Andy Warhol quote o� of this very stylish girl’s purse. (� e purse was super-chic with this big banana on it, and it was a� ached to the arm of this unde-niably gorgeous co-ed—okay, I cannot tell a lie; it was my purse, and I’m the gorgeous girl…but enough about me…) Anyhow, Warhol, who is best remembered for inventing pop-art, is also well-known for saying, oh-so-illustriously, that “In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes.” When Warhol said these infamous words in the 60s, the technology that makes Warhol’s pre-diction possible had yet to be invented. However, in our amenities-blessed modern day and age (thank Al Gore for the internet), we are all fa-mous. Social networking

sites like MySpace have allowed us to advertise our own fabulousness to the world…or to anyone who is actually looking. � ese networks hit the radar, or at least my radar, in around 2004, and from the way things look, they’re not going anywhere. I was aim-lessly wandering through our wonderful El Pomar Center, and in my bored stupor, I decided to count how many students were using computers—but more importantly, how many students using computers were check-ing a social networking site. Maybe it was just the last carefree days before the semester gets going, but over half the computers were being used to check a social networking site. I admit it; I have MyS-pace and Facebook and Twi� er (and you thought the holy trinity was the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit) and most of us take great joys in edit-

ing our pro� les, posting new pictures, and post-ing comments for our friends. I am positive the reason these sites are so successful is because they appeal to our van-ity (as my sister, who

manages to always look about � � y pounds light-er because she knows how to work an “angle,” can vouch for). It’s so frightening to read it, but it’s one of those dread-ful seven deadly sins; you know, the ones we all know about because of that awesome movie with Brad Pi� . Social networking pro� les give us the opportunity to advertise ourselves, and

many of us, myself in-cluded, are guilty of false advertising. An acquaintance from class once told me (af-ter showing her mom my Myspace page), “My mom thinks you’re pre� y, and she likes your hair.” I had never met this girl’s mom, and why she felt the need to show her mother my pro� le is be-yond me (okay, I admit it; I’ve shown my mom pro� les, but only those belonging to a person whom I was dating and whom I thought I could get serious about). � inking back on that now, I’m glad I hadn’t posted all those pictures of me drunk and grind-ing with my posse of gay men at Tracks…yet. No mother should have to worry that her daugh-ter’s “poem explicating” partner is a lushed-out Kathy Gri� n wannabe with slightly be� er hair (because I’m not, I don’t drink that much, and I have way be� er hair).

With the advent of the digital camera, we are all amateur photographers, and I have met women and girls who openly ad-mit to taking a hundred plus self portraits just to get � ve in which they felt they looked beautiful. � at low self esteem is so problematic! I’ve learned from coaching a few 16-and-under so� ball teams that the cool kids no longer just sit at the back of the bus; they’ve turned the back of the bus into a photography studio. And believe me: today’s female adoles-cents really are just li� le girls who look way be� er on MySpace. It’s curious to think that the success of social networks hinge on their seeming ability to keep Andy Warhol’s promise. Seriously—the next time you’re out and about and someone says smile, you hear that arti� cial click, and then the � ash � ies, you should ask yourself this: Did I just take a

picture with someone I barely know because it made me feel famous for a split second? But do these sites re-ally enrich our lives as much as we all seem to feel they do (or as much as the untold hours we spend on them would indicate that they do)? I’ll leave you, dear read-er, with a quote from yet another awesome Brad Pi� movie, Fight Club: “We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars. But we’re not.” I hope you’ll join me in the next edition of � e Scribe as I delve further into our MyS-pace, Blackberry, and iP-hone era as I’ll be taking a closer look at all the wonderful and com-plicated problems that arise from our techno-saturation.


people to whom it’s been a� ributed. When someone uses the same descriptor ap-plied to war criminals responsible for ethnic cleansing to criticize the opinions of Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor, there might be a problem with said descriptor. Glenn Beck, who famously asked Congressman Keith Ellison, the � rst Muslim ever elected into congress, “Sir, prove to me that you’re not work-ing with our enemies,” has called our biracial President a racist. Rac-ist? A man responsible for some of the most pro-found speeches on race relations since the civil rights era, a man whose

esteemed position repre-sents a symbolic triumph over racism? When an irresponsible clown like Glenn Beck can call Barack Obama a racist, then the word has lost its meaning. Dr. Cornel West once said, “A fully functional multi-racial society can-not be achieved without a sense of history and open, honest dialogue.” In pursuing the good doctor’s line of rhetoric, here is what I propose: the racism scale. � is would be a quasi-comprehensive diagnos-tic based on a person’s statements, fears, beliefs and actions. Most o� en racist people can be clas-si� ed into one of the six following categories:

Unwi� ing Racist, Pa-tronizing Racist, Racist Rhetor, Racist in De-nial, Proud Racist and Violent Racist, with of-fenses ranging from faux pas to criminal. My hope for this en-deavor is that in be� er de� ning racism in our society, we’ll be further equipped to � ght its in-sidious in� uence. Oh, by the way, 20 of Glenn Beck’s sponsors have pulled their ads from his show as a result of his outlandish state-ments. Contact the writer at [email protected]

“I am positive the reason these sites are so successful is because they appeal to our vanity.”

For the 2009-2010 fiscal year, UCCS is budgeted $135 million. The largest part of that money comes from tuition costs, and “$18 million comes from state tax funds,” said Brian Burnett, vice chancellor for admin-istration and finance. These two sources account for the vast majority of UCCS’ funding.

Sometimes, as in the case of a portion of the con-struction of the new Science and Engineering build-ing, donations are made to the campus, a number not accounted for within the initial $135 million. Last year, donations totaled $9 million.

The status quo of that funding is in trouble. Burnett continued, “State funding declined by $5 million due to state budget cuts [this year],” explaining that this loss has been filled for this fiscal year with funds from a federal stimulus, though that help will not ex-ist next year.

In order to help stimulate higher education in south-ern Colorado, Chancellor Pamela Shockley-Zalabak and the heads of nine other regional universities have signed the Southern Colorado Education Collabora-tory, a sort of treaty between the institutions.

This agreement has the overall goal of getting more people to continue their education, according to Tom Hutton, director of university advancement. The Col-laboratory is a pledge that the universities involved will work together on the problems that face regional institutions of higher learning, like retention and funding.

Shockley-Zalabak acknowledges that the state bud-get projections for this fiscal year look dim. But, she says, that means that the universities need to “move faster” in order to “help each other out.”

Shockley-Zalabak anticipates that this Collaboratory, along with other things, will help to provide UCCS with adequate funding in the future despite cuts.

The Real Co $

where does all of that m

oney go?t of C

ollege

Telecommunications

Institutional Support

Health Center

Other

Athletics

Academic Support

Research

Housing

Extended Studies

Operating

Scholarships & Fellowships

Compensation

20,000,0000 40,000,000 60,000,000

The Highs and Lows

Justin Case

Students’ Perspectives on Financial Aid

Davlyn Roberts

Jesse Rozell

How UCCS is fundedAvalon Manly

“I don’t think they value your time and money as much as they need to.”

“When you go in there, nobody there seems happy. People have been waiting for an hour.”

[email protected]

[email protected]

Students don’t often stop and consider what happens to our college tuition after we hand over our yearly check. Under-standably, we are most concerned with passing our classes and as long as we get a good education, we assume that our money is being put to good use. Tuition is an investment and like any other investment it is important students stay aware of how it’s being used. Our tuition makes up a relatively large portion of the uni-versity’s total income. The budget for the 2008-2009 school year is $126,897,984. Of that amount our tuition makes up approximately $47,000,000.

The budget itself is split up into three smaller categories. The largest is the General Fund (GFB) which is where our tuition dollars go. Its total income is over $75 million. The other two categories are the Auxiliary Fund (AFB) which gets most of its money from operating revenue and the smaller Restricted Fund (RFB) where private gifts and government grants are placed. These amounted to $31 and $21 million dollars, respectively. It is little surprise that most ofthis money goes toward com-pensation for staff members. According to the Fiscal Year 2008-2009 report from Institutional Research, approximately $55,000,000 of the General Fund goes towards university employees. Scholarships and fellowships come in at a distant second for expenditures at about $10.5 million. The univer-sity’s top six expenditures are:

(The following numbers have been rounded)1. Compensation – (73% of GFB) $54,800,0002. Scholarships & Fellowships – (50% of RFB) $10,500,0003. Operating – (11% of GFB) $8,260,0004. Extended Studies – (24% of AFB) $7,390,0005. Housing – (21% of AFB) $6,470,0006. Research – (24% or RFB) $5,060,000 So what does the school spend the least on? Of all the major categories outlined in the UCCS budget telecommunications gets the least. It uses only 1% of the Auxiliary Fund Budget which corresponds to about $308,000. The bottom six UCCS expenditures include:(The following numbers have been rounded)1. Telecommunications – (1% of AFB) $308,0002. Institutional Support – (2% of RFB) $421,0003. Health Center – (2% of AFB) $616,0004. Other – (1% of AFB & 2% of RFB) $729,0005. Athletics – (3% of AFB) $924,0006. Academic Support & Public Service – (Each are 5% of RFB) $1,050,000

UCCS appears to have kept it’s spending under control as it only allocated $2,251,406 to pay off debts.

Students’ Perspectives on Financial Aid

Jesse Rozell

For many students, especially incoming freshmen, the financial aid office can be an intimidating place. Long waits, loads of paperwork, and the confusing array of grants, loans, and scholarships can create an atmo-sphere of dread and loathing.

Deciding whether this general attitude is fair or not varies from person to person. For seniors Davlyn Roberts and Jesse Rozell, the process has been generally negative. “I don’t think they value your time and money as much as they need to,” Roberts says. “The fact that you cannot make an appointment with an adviser is a unacceptable. I shouldn’t have to deal with all this just be-cause they have the money.” “They’re disorganized. It’s really frustrating. I personally have been turning in the same papers all summer long trying to get it done,” Rozell says. “They email you when they want papers that they have, and they don’t email you when they don’t have papers they need, and I still haven’t had all my funds dispersed.”

Many students are awarded scholarships and grants, but the majority of financial aid-granted college students have to rely on loans to pay for school. The process can be daunting, especially the first time applying for loans. Applications require completing the FAFSA, applying per semester, and filling out myriad supplemental paperwork.

“There’s a huge paper trail, and the paper trail gets annoying,” Roberts says. “UCCS is a huge commuter cam-pus, and the fact that I have to come all the way to campus to get anything done is just stupid. Can’t I just do it on the internet like anything else?”

“The office is frustrating,” Rozell says. “When you go in there, nobody there seems happy. People have been waiting for an hour.” Roberts again suggested that students should be able to schedule appointments for fi-nancial aid advisors instead of having to walk in and wait for long periods of time.

As seniors, the time to pay back those loans looms. Though the interest rates are generally low and usually carry a six-month grace period before payments are due, balances often grow into the tens of thousands. For many students, the inevitability of paying back loans is terrifying.

“I’m probably not as scared as I should be, but part of that’s because I can’t really see my future,” Rozell explains. “It’s very scary, sure, but it’s just too far off...at the same time, thousands of people across the United States default on student loans. It’s not really that big of a deal.”

New students shouldn’t be too intimidated, though. College students have been struggling with loans and financial aid for decades. Taking out loans is an inevitability for most students. Nobody is alone in this situa-tion, and there are many resources on campus and elsewhere that help college students handle, acquire and eventually pay back their loans—the financial aid website is in fact filled with information to help students do just that. So don’t fret!

Greg Reilly

“I don’t think they value your time and money as much as they need to.”

[email protected]

WRI� EN BY:

Patricia CameronInterning Reporter

culture10August 27 to September 2, 2009

Latest reports show a claim to fame in lieu of the recent multiplicity of celebrity deaths spurring the rumor mill that Eminem and Miley Cyrus have passed as well. While these rumors all remain untrue, what has become of our ill-wi� ed celebrities? Eminem has been laying down tracks instead of laying down Ma-riah Carey, who only remains the subject of his latest “� e Warning,” in which he responds to Carey’s song “Obsessed.” Carey released her song to induce allegations that she was never intimate with Eminem, while her youngin’ of a husband Nick Cannon sat idly by. Clearly, Eminem had to mark his territory, and in “� e Warning” he uses his woman-bashing melodies to trash everything he once loved about the songstress by accusing her of � ying to visit him, then saying that he has enough dirt on her to murder her. Eminem plans to leak the nude pictures of Carey in time. Our mini-diva Miley Cyrus has been entertaining the masses, or at least the teen masses at the Teen Choice Awards last week. Singing to her song, “Party in the U.S.A.,” Cyrus came out in booty shorts, and stripped o� her jacket to divulge a ta� ered tank top to reveal her lacy black unmentionables that screamed, “� e Disney Channel pro-duces rock stars.” A� er becoming scantily clad, she did what every former child star has done time and time before, and danced on a stripper pole. While most parents would disapprove of this heinous act and hope that their children would never resort to working a pole for a living, Billy Ray Cyrus did what every loving, child-exploiting father would do and defended his daughter’s actions by calling it “art.” If only Van Gogh could work a pole like Miley.


I took an ill-advised 8:00 AM chemistry lab my freshman year at UCCS. Of course, I had usually only gone to bed a few hours before that class. I would sleep un-til the very last minute and run from my dorm with my toothbrush in my mouth. Needless to say, I didn’t look (or some-times smell) so great. � at early on, I didn’t have a clue as to how to achieve a look that was just as e� ortless as it looked. I want to spare everyone my pain of showing up to class or a date looking like the ten minutes late that you are. Here is a collection of advice from makeup counters and makeup artists to create � awless looks that only take a couple of minutes. If you are crunched for time, you will want to limit your makeup rou-tine to the bare neces-sities. Nicole Sanchez, local makeup artist, recommends a powder, gloss, liner and mascara as the bare minimum for

Out of bed, and out the door: Five minutes to a � awless look

any polished look. For starters, � nd a powder/foundation compact if you want full coverage in limited time. For those looking for lighter cov-erage, try a sheer loose powder, preferably with an oil-controlling for-mula for those with oily skin. Sanchez gives her best advice for a daytime look: “Look natural [and] avoid using heavy colors during the day.” For instance, instead of a heavy black liner more appropriate for a night-time outing, try a dark brown liner for your daytime classes. It still accentuates the eyes, but remains fresh, natu-ral and light. � e liner alone is enough for this look, but if you cannot live without some eye color, a beige, gold, light brown or a neutral pink looks great on any skin tone. Apply using an eye shadow brush; the ap-plicators that come with eye shadow compacts tend to deposit an over-abundance of color. One quick coat of mascara in a black or dark brown, and you are almost out the door. For a � nal touch, a lip color that is the same

shade as your eyes is a great low-key look that � ts any complexion. Stick with a shiny gloss: the sheer color is more appropriate than the heavier lipsticks. Sanchez also gives tips on how to make the switch from the quick, natural daytime look to an evening one. “Add color! Focus on eyes or lips but not both.” A dramatic color on the creases of your eyes, or a bold look for your lips can be enough to stand out Each semester is a new schedule with new time constraints that re-quire you to adjust and � nd balance. It could be a early morning a� er a late night of studying or partying. Perhaps you are just plain run-ning late that morning, but that doesn’t mean you can’t look gorgeous amidst your rush. At the very least, the tips above should allow you to hit that snooze once more.


Cambodian and Middle Eastern sounds. Of the many highlights in the evening, one was his reworking of “Close Edge,” perhaps Mos Def ’s best known track that he � rst performed on “� e Chapelle Show.” Mos began with a James Brown diddy wherein he “broke it down” in the classic Brownian fash-ion. At the end of the night, Mos Def and Talib Kweli � nally paired up, per-forming “De� nition,” “Respiration,” and “His-tory” from their Black Star days. An ensemble of unknowns gathered on stage to hype the crowd, giving the act an appear-Photo by Ariel La� imore

A history lesson (cont.)

ance of friends having fun together rather than celebrities pu� ing on a carefully planned show. � e pairing closed out with older material like “Umi Says,” “Traveling Man,” and an encore fea-turing a reprise of “De� -nition.” � e tour, though a promotion for Mos Def ’s new album “� e Ecstatic,” was essentially a Black Star reunion. Although Kweli said, tongue-in-cheek, near the beginning of the night, “I don’t think most of y’all understand me and my partner’s contri-bution to hip hop,” the audience was le� with a fairly good idea of that

contribution. � e packed crowd was pumped from the get-go, with people dancing from the front row all the way to the back walls. Hands rarely le� the air. � e show was ultimately no-frills, as there were no fancy lights, stream-ing displays, smoke machines, dancers, or costumes. Nor were there any giveaways, or pre-� lmed video inter-ludes, or overdramatic introductions. It was just a few talented guys from Brooklyn demonstrating the pure skill that put them on the map.


Continued � om � ont page

culture 11August 27 to September 2, 2009

� e Metropolitan: A taste of the old city

Fancy food is fun. Having spent more time working in, than eating at, � ne dining establish-ments, I do enjoy when someone else is cook-ing for and catering to me. � e Metropolitain is one fancy restaurant in downtown Colorado Springs that is easily and o� en overlooked, be-cause it is hiding under-ground. Anyone who remembers the old New

York City will recog-nize the entrance to the Metropolitain as a clas-sic green iron and glass subway entrance. � e stairway that leads below Kiowa Avenue does not access a subway system, but it can transport you to a taste of that old city. � e Metropolitain opens Monday through Saturday at 5 p.m. and has happy hour until 7 p.m. every day except Saturday. We visited early on a � ursday and later on a Saturday, and neither time was it di� -cult to be seated imme-diately. � ere is no dress code but come on guys, take a shower, wear a collar and lose the hat. Anyway, the atmo-sphere is surprisingly bright for an under-ground restaurant and the tables directly un-derneath the stairway entrance are the place to sit. Call ahead and ask

WRI� EN BY:

Brock KilgoreInterning Reporter

for the table; it’s worth it. � e interior, tables and furniture are tastefully chic and the art on the walls is worth a group walk-around, hallway to the bathrooms included. � e menu at � e Met-ropolitain is small, but of high quality. In the age of modern mega-menus this could be discourag-ing to some but having spent a good portion of my life in the kitchen I know that fewer items mean less prep, less waste and � esher food. Why not just do what you do well instead of trying to

please everyone or make sure you have all the same items as Applebee’s? � e menu features appetiz-ers, a salad, a few entrees and desserts, all priced from $9 to $23. We chose fried wont-ons and herb gnocchi for appetizers. � e artichoke and spinach wontons arrived without a dip-ping sauce, but proved to be crispy and creamy enough not to require anything extra. � e gnocchi was the best item of the evening. For those unfamiliar, gnocchi are round potato noodles; ours were pan-seared in brown bu� er with oven dried toma-toes, two kinds of sum-mer squash and roasted garlic. � e noodle had a crispy exterior like a seared scallop and a cin-namon roll-like gooey middle, and the dried tomatoes and roasted garlic provided li� le ex-

plosions of � avor. � e entrees were also small, yet delightful and surprisingly sharable. We chose the roasted chick-en, the warm steak salad, the spicy ahi nicoise sal-ad and the parmesan and pine nut encrusted lamb loin. � e nicoise, or tra-ditional French salad, in-cluded tuna, green beans and potatoes, making for an innovative, yet bal-anced spin on the clas-sic. � e lamb was tender, not overly seasoned and perfectly cooked. Des-sert was a well textured crème bruleé that pro-

vided a strong ending to an enjoyable experience. Provided you are of age, the cocktail and wine list is an apt accom-paniment to the food. Katie, our professional and prepared waitress, recommended the Ruby Red martini, which was qua� able enough to be in the ‘could get you into loads of trouble’ cat-egory. All wines are of-fered by the glass, so the potential connoisseur is encouraged to learn. � e Metropolitain is a li� le pricey, but most good things are. Save it for a special occasion and enjoy yourself with-out entirely breaking the bank.


Fox Searchlight stu-dios continues its streak of indie cross-over hits with their latest release “500 Days of Summer,” which recently arrived in Colorado Springs as the studio expanded from their initial limited re-lease. Forgive my digression, but I think this practice of releasing � lms in “se-lect cities” (usually Los Angeles and New York, and then some place like Phoenix or Dallas which makes me resent the studios even more because what do Dallas and Phoenix have that Denver doesn’t?) under-estimates the demand for innovative cinema in what cigar-chomping executives condescend-ingly refer to as “� y-over states.” It’s elitist, and it o� en condemns the movie to a lower box-o� ce gross; I swear, if studios marketed and released daring, original pictures with the same level of bombast they summon for crap like “G.I Joe: Rise of Cobra,” they might realize that plenty of people in cities across the country would pay to see these � lms, if seeing them didn’t re-quire an interstate com-mute. � at being said, I drove to Denver to see “500 Days of Summer” where it expanded into wide release before venturing into local markets. And I’m pleased to say it was worth the drive. “500 Days of Sum-mer” is a revisionist ro-mantic comedy about a failing relationship star-ring Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-

Levi� , the aforemen-tioned Cobra who rose in that dreadful, dreadful movie about toys. De-schanel charms as the titular Summer, human-izing a role that likely read like a composite of every aloof and � ighty girlfriend that � rst broke a guy’s heart. Deschanel seems especially skilled at playing quirky indie � lm muses, which is why she portrays so many. Look through her IMDB resume if you don’t be-lieve me. I like Joseph Gordon-Levi� , and he’s even more likeable here. While “G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra” may have out grossed “500 Days of Summer” at the box of-� ce this august, the la� er will be the Levi� perfor-mance that moviegoers will remember. A� er ac-cumulating acclaim in festival darlings such as “Brick” and “Mysterious Skin” following his ca-reer as a child actor, Lev-i� truly seems poised for respectable, adult star-dom. He stars as Tom Han-son, a moony, sentimen-tal greeting-card writer with aspirations to be an architect. Citing a devel-opmental diet of Smiths songs and “a total mis-reading of the ending of ‘� e Graduate,’” a sooth-ing-voiced narrator in-forms audiences within the � rst few minutes of Tom’s malady, Summer’s romantic ambivalence, and the ill fate of their union. “You should probably know up front, this is not a love story,” the narrator, voiced by character actor Richard McGonagle, as-sures us. True enough: Tom and Summer don’t make it. Sorry, kids. Yet, ‘500 days of Sum-mer’ is the most vibrant

and unabashedly roman-tic � lm to come along in years; in� nitely more so than the dreary con-trivances of most ro-mantic comedies. � e clever script by Sco� Neustadter and Michael H. Weber abounds with pop-culture references and stylistic � ourishes, yet a� entive to the in-timate and beautiful details of romantic rela-tionships, conveying the polarities of infatuation and post break-up de-spair. My only real criticism of this � lm is that some-times it overdoses on its own quirkiness, with its hipster catnip-� lled soundtrack, or when Tom seeks advice from his li� le sister (played by child actorbot Chloe Moretz who isn’t bad, just the same as every other child actor) from the sidelines of her junior league soccer games. A patronizing trend toward co-opting indie � lm quirkiness and mi-cro budget ethos has emerged from subsid-iaries of huge studio conglomerates like Fox Searchlight who’ve es-sentially corporatized the independent � lm movement to everyone’s detriment. Mind you, this is the studio that released, or unleashed rather, freaking ”Juno.” Despite its dubious indie credentials (I am certain that the upper echelons of hipsters will dismiss this � lm when they observe it brings others joy), any movie that features a post-co-ital Joseph Gordon-Lev-i� dancing in the streets to Hall and Oates is � ne with me.


WRI� EN BY:

Byron GrahamOpinion Editor

500 DAYS OF SUMMER

� ree UCCS students headed to Olympics

As the 2009-2010 school year gets under-way at UCCS, the month of Oct. is nothing more than a thought to most students. October repre-sents the vexing remind-er of fall rushing around the corner along with mid-term exams and tu-ition balances. However, for three UCCS students October brings forth op-portunity for success and celebration as they travel to Athens, Greece to compete in the Junior World Championships in the sport of Judo. Colin Robinson, Jillian Roman and Kaitlyn Mc-Kim will make their way to Athens for the chance to bring home the gold. All three share great suc-cess in past competitions over the span of their ca-reers. One hundred athletes from all across the na-tion, including Alaska

and Hawaii, competed in eight di� erent age divisions a� empting to clinch a berth on the Ju-nior World Champion-ship Team. Robinson, Roman and McKim all advanced and quali� ed to compete and repre-sent the USA for the late October event. Look for Robinson to be a dominant force in the men’s division com-peting in the 100 and above kilogram weight class. He has tasted the gold medal seven times over his career and is looking to achieve it once again a� er receiv-ing the silver in the 2009 Pan American Junior Championships. Robin-son looks to be one of the top favorites in his division. Roman will com-pete in the 63 kilogram weight class. Most re-cently, she won her � rst tournament at the Youth and Scholastic Nation-als. She shares similar success with Robinson

as she took the gold in June at the Pan Ameri-can Junior Champion-ships. A� er coming o� a phenomenal win at the 2009 National Presiden-tial Cup Championship, McKim will be compet-ing in the 78 kilogram weight division at the Junior World Champi-onship. She also looks to be a favorite player in her division. All three athletes have the talent and tenacity to bring home victory in each division. � e 2009 Junior World Cham-pionships is a four-day event that will take place from October 22 to 25. To follow the athlete’s progress, students can log onto www.judo.tea-mUSA.org for news and updates. From all the sta� , the best of luck and safe travels over to Greece.


UCCS golf team o� to a new start

For Coach Phil Trujil-lo, the UCCS golf team means everything. His aspirations and dedi-cation to his team are evident, given he just won regional coach of the year. However, as every great coach will tell you, nobody has be-come something special without going through adversity. For example, last year’s stand-out player, Tyler Bishop, graduated and le� for the Adam’s Golf Tour. “Tyler was a very focused and mature individual. He led the team by example, and was always on top of his game,” said Trujillo. Dig-ging deeper into the golf team’s past, I found that Tyler had a stroke aver-age of 72 last season and a best round of 65 at last year’s RMAC tourna-ment. � e key this year will be replacing Bishop as captain of the golf team. Looking at the statistics from last year, Riley An-drews and Brian Mor-feld had an average of 74 and 75, respectively. Although both Andrews and Morfeld had excel-lent scores from last season, performing well is not the only aspect of a leader. “We have a well balanced team of freshman, sophomores, juniors and seniors. � e key will be to have one of them step up and lead us,” Trujillo said.

As with every team, there is always one play-er who is underrated and overwri� en by everyone who sees him. According to Coach Trujillo, Chris Shoop is one of the un-derrated players on this squad. “He’s a smaller guy, but he can hit pre� y far. I don’t think people give him as much credit as he deserves.” Underrated or overrat-ed, the school golf team has always done pre� y well reaching the nation-al championship four times. � is year though, the team will be ge� ing back to the basics. “Last year we lost our perspec-tive on having fun. We need to focus on enjoy-ing ourselves and mak-ing sure that we keep a smile on our faces while we are working towards the goal.” Which is ex-actly where the expertise of Coach Trujillo comes into play for his team. Athletes who play for Coach Trujillo know when he is very seri-ous about something. “I tend to get a li� le animal when the players are not responding to what I am saying,” said Trujillo. Coach Trujillo knows that he has to keep his game in perspective so that his players can max-imize their performance. “Before each match, I tell them to win, keep work-ing and never give up. You have to stay focused, this is golf. You can play horribly on 17 holes and eagle the 18th [hole] and suddenly you feel your-self back in the game.”

For Coach Trujillo, the only way to win matches “is to recruit the best and put them in a position to win”. Part of this may stem from the team not play-ing near the school. Cur-rently, the golf team plays home tournaments at three venues: � e Coun-try Club of Colorado, � e Broadmoor moun-tain course, and Kissing Camels Country Club. Although the distance from campus to home tournaments can be quite a drive, Coach Tru-jillo has other thoughts on why the team is not highly regarded by facul-ty and students. “When there is a so� ball or bas-ketball game, everyone gets an email about the game. When we have a golf meet, you never see anything like that.” For this season, Coach Trujillo would like to see more people in a� en-dance at the golf meets. “It would be nice to see a couple of students and faculty members in at-tendance of our meets. We de� nitely play a sport that is not talked about much on campus.” For complete lists of rosters, tournaments and information about the golf team go to: www.go-mountainlions.com


� e three Olympic qualifying Judo athletes. Photo by Colin Robinson

WRI� EN BY:

Jim HoltzReporter

WRI� EN BY:

Ma� CrandallSports Editor

sports12August 27 to September 2, 2009

First victory for the 2008 season. Photo provided by Brian Morfeld

sports 13August 27 to September 2, 2009

Sports Buzz

If you happen to be walking near the south entrance of the library, you may have noticed the quote, “Knowledge is the best gi� we can pass on to future gen-erations.” I completely agree. Knowledge is a priceless commod-ity that so many pursue and yet so many take for granted. In the world of sports, knowledge and educa-tion seem to continue to be pushed aside for the almighty dollar. Take, for example, the NBA. Kevin Garne� entered the NBA Dra� in 1995 a� er � nishing high school and was selected by the Minnesota Tim-berwolves. He was the � rst player dra� ed out of high school in nearly 20 years. Kobe Bryant accomplished the same feat in 1996 by joining

WRI� EN BY:

Ma� CrandallSports Editor

the Los Angeles Lakers. Both players have had incredible success as professional athletes and have made millions of dollars but as our society has progressed over the last � � een years, more and more athletes are becoming consumed with � nancial gain. � e latest � avor of the month is San Diego’s Jer-emy Tyler. Tyler’s mas-sive frame, standing at 6-foot-11, 260 pounds, made him a dominat-ing force � nishing up his last season with 28.7 points per game at San Diego High School. He was named the best high school basketball player in the state of California and received o� ers from many schools that main-tain excellent basketball programs. Tyler’s foot-work has been compared to a young Hakeem Ola-juwon but with more athletic ability. Some say his impact on the game will have a rippling e� ect similar to NBA great, Le-

bron James. � is kid has game. Se-rious game. Did I mention this guy is skipping out on his se-nior year of high school, rescinding his commit-ment to play college bas-ketball at Louisville and that he is doing it all for a one year contract worth $140,000 to play over-seas? � is is where I have a serious problem with the young man’s deci-sion. Let’s just focus � rst on Tyler missing out on his senior year of high school. Going be-yond the super� cialities of homecomings and proms, what really makes a senior year a milestone in a person’s life? Ge� ing that diploma symbolizes all the hard work a person accumu-lates over the majority of their young lives. It’s about shu� ing the door on one journey, and opening another at the same time. We all wore the cap and gown at

Athlete Spotlight: David Mueller

WRI� EN BY:

Chris MedinaReporter

David Mueller, who would have been a soph-omore this fall, passed away July 19th in a car accident just west of the intersection of Garden of the Gods & 30th. � ere is a makeshi� me-morial at the place of the accident with a UCCS track singlet hung from a wooden cross with various � owers, cards and stu� ed animals sur-rounding it. David Mueller, 19, graduated from Coro-nado High School and was a business major at UCCS. Mueller was a standout student as well as a talented track star. While at Coronado Mueller was Captain of the Track team from 2006-2008 as well as the Team MVP. He was named second team all-league for the 200 meter dash in 2008. In 2008,

graduation and as com-mencement came to a close, most of us threw our caps up in the air. It was an action of excite-ment, celebration and, most of all, hope. All dreams must begin with hope. Jeremy Tyler is going to miss out on so much, and that’s just his last year of high school. He also could have played basketball at practically any college in the coun-try. I’m not trying to rain on the kid’s parade by any means but the col-lege experience is noth-ing any amount of mon-ey can replace. It’s about growing as an individual and trying to � nd one’s place on this li� le blue ball we call earth. Some say those years are supposed to be some of the best of our lives. I’m sure his game will grow tremendously

overseas, and when he is eligible to enter the NBA Dra� in a couple years, he will shine like a star. I do not doubt his athletic ability or work ethic at all. Personally I look for-ward to seeing what he can do if he has what it takes to make a career in the NBA, not just mak-ing it to the NBA. But there are no guar-antees in life, as Mr. Ty-ler may soon � nd out. He may end up ge� ing injured, or not be able to transition to the higher level play of the profes-sional game. � en what? He will have no degree to fall back on, much less a high school diploma.

In some ways he thinks $140,000 is the deal of a lifetime, but the danger of any gamble is that you retain the same or great-er probability of losing everything. My advice would be to graduate high school, go to college and see what happens next. Basketball isn’t going anywhere. Knowledge is power and in our society these days, knowledge is security. Plus, you never know what you may learn that will change your life for-ever.


Mueller took fourth at state in the 200 meter dash, � � h in the 400 me-ter dash and then placed second in the 60 meter dash. He also set and still holds the Coronado HS record in the 200 meter dash. To say that Muel-ler was merely talented might be a bit of an un-derstatement: at UCCS he broke nine school records in his � rst and only track. According to UCCS records, Muel-ler was named All-Rocky Mountain Athletic Con-ference in both the 200- and 400-meter dashes in outdoor track as well as in the 55- and 200-meter dashes in indoor track. In his � rst season with the Mountain Lions, Mueller established new outdoor school records in the 200, 400 and 4 x 100 relay. UCCS track

and � eld coach Mark Misch told University Relations that Mueller was “without a doubt the best all-around sprinter in UCCS history.” His indoor records include the 55, 60, 200, 4 x 200 relay and the distance medley. “More than an athlete, he was a tremendous person, a gentle giant, a larger than life kind of young man,” said Char-mas Lee, Mueller’s speed coach, to KRDO. “David was a great guy, with an extraordi-nary view of life,” agreed former teammate and UCCS alumni, Alex Tiernan. “He was so un-deniably talented and had the world at his � n-ger tips. He will most de� nitely be missed.” Contact the writer at [email protected]

Photo provided by Dale Johnson

No, se-ri-ous-ly! Re-cy-cle this pa-per!

123456

789

10

paradoxthe news is full of contradictions

satire : irony : hilarity

the

More Crap with Brett Michaels. – Do people really still care about this guy?

Who Wants to Marry a Douchebag Celebrity? – I hate seeing all these people getting treated aw-fully and taking it just because they have a crush on a celebrity.

So You Think You Can Line Dance? – I don’t even see how people can watch others dance for an hour in the first place, let alone country line dancing.

America Doesn’t Have Talent – Beatboxing isn’t anything spe-cial. You sound just like every other Jack Johnson and Jason Mraz when you sing. Let’s get something better on the televi-sion.

Angry High School Girls are Mean to Each Other – I’m so sick of seeing petty rich girls on MTV shouting at each other.

Real World: The Projects. – If I want to watch a bunch of idiots get shot at, I’ll just put in a bad horror movie.

Anything with Washed Up Child Actors – Getting Marsha Brady and the Leave It to Beaver kid on your show shouldn’t result in rat-ings. That’s your fault, America.

Competitive Video Game Play-ing – Wait. They have that? And people watch it? I see humanity going to a dark place soon.

The O’Reilly Happy Hour – Some-one goes on The O’Reilly Factor and tries to have a civil discus-sion. Pretty much every episode will end with Mr. Bill red-faced and out of breath.

Survivor: Detroit – I don’t think anybody has ever survived for 39 days in that barren wasteland.

Top Ten Reality TV

Shows I Never Want

to See

Last week, UCCS professor and self-appointed Chief of Faculty Rights Alexander Soifer brawled with Vice Chancellor Susan Szpyrka at UCCS’s legendary Tree of Peace. Soifer, long-time UCCS professor of interde-partmental studies, initiated the confrontation in response to the administration’s decision two weeks ago to discontinue the faculty/staff e-mail list—a mass list used by the administration for correspondence with its “underlings.” Szpyrka, Vice Chancellor of Adminstration, Fi-nance, and Official Campus Hullabaloo, said she decided that abuses of the list by “certain inter-departmental faculty members” had annoyed her and the rest of the campus to an extent suf-ficient to warrant cutting access to the list. “I mean, some of the other faculty and staff were getting really tired of it,” she explained exhaus-tively. “Like my other high-level administrative colleagues, I have a lot to do other than deleting e-mails. Not that I delete everything that comes out of that listserve, of course,” she added. Though the decision seemed final at the time, Soifer was having none of it. In an e-mail sent the day before the scheduled freeze, which took place last Monday, Soifer questioned the vice chancellor’s decision, calling it a “total and com-plete isolation of campus faculty and staff from outside correspondence with the entire world.” “For some reason, nobody will listen to me in person anymore,” wrote Soifer in the e-mail. “Maybe the ‘high and mighty’ administration has gotten to them; maybe they just prefer their pri-vacy. Either way, e-mail is all we have left. I must fight this outrageous decision.” The e-mail ended with a long-winded post-script challenging Szpyrka to a duel of silly weapons. Wielding the administration’s well-known and feared “Gag of Silence”—good not only for gag-ging but also for towel-snapping—Szpyrka ar-rived at the Tree of Peace outside the Science building last Wednesday to meet Soifer’s chal-lenge. The famed professor was waiting for her with his weapon of choice, a keyboard. Initially, bookies were spotting Szpyrka a 1,000-1 advantage. Just before the start of the fight, however, former CU-Boulder professor Ward Churchill appeared out of nowhere to reinforce Soifer. He had armed himself with what looked like a troop of vicious “little Eichmanns.” After Churchill’s entrance, the bookie adjusted the odds to 10,000-1 in favor of Szpyrka, saying that “if history is any indicator, Churchill’s pres-ence will likely do more harm than good for Soi-fer.” Indeed it did. Szpyrka ditched the Gag of Si-lence, deciding it was now unnecessary, and, two seconds into the fight, dropped Soifer with a backhand smack in the face.

Disclaimer: A collection of imaginary, usually cynical (adj. 1. Scornful of the motives or vir-tue of others, bitterly mocking, sneering) and almost – but not quite – baseless observations (n. 1. The act or faculty of paying attention or noticing…2. The act of noting a phenomenon…3. That which is acquired from or based on observing, such as a conclusion or rule.) on society (n. …4. A colony or community of organisms, usually from the same species), college (n. 1. An institution of higher learning, esp. one providing a general or liberal arts education rather than technical or professional training...), alcohol (n. whiskey, gin, vodka, or any other in-toxicating liquor containing this liquid), student government (n. 1. A group of individuals who allot outrageous amounts of student fees indiscriminately among student groups, and pre-tends to have power to do anything more than bitch), textbooks (n. 1. A book used by students as a standard work for a particular branch of study, 2. A surprising and startling portion of your college fund.), tuition (n. 1. The charge or fee for instruction, as at a private school or a

Szpyrka drops Soifer at Tree of P

eace? After Soifer’s fall, Churchill snuck in one Eichmann Swarm attack from behind, as he and his mini-army fled, report-edly leaving behind a copy of “Sketchy Research for Dum-mies” and a stained AIM ban-dana. He plans to sue the UCCS administration for defiling the Tree of Peace’s sacred ground. Experts say that Churchill’s chances of getting more than $0.50 out of the deal are slim to none, explaining that the Tree’s actual contributions to world peace are, at best, difficult to establish, thus rendering irrel-evant the “sacred ground” ar-gument most famously used by the Lakota Sioux in the suing of Mt. Rushmore, a famous Ameri-can rock. Soifer himself was unable to comment on Churchill’s intend-ed lawsuit. As of press time, he was still too incapacitated to type. His keyboard, however, re-mained unharmed, to the great dismay of many in the campus community. Disclaimer: Mr. Canon insisted we inform the readers that this article is entirely true, except for the first 15 paragraphs, which are entirely and unequivocally false. The staff and faculty email list was never, factually, actually cut *great celebration erupts some-where in Science building, but nobody else really cares*. And, no, a fight was never initiated, Szpyrka never showed up, she never backhand smacked Soifer, and Churchill would never step foot in Colorado Springs, pre-sumably for safety reasons. He probably doesn’t own the above the described book (which may not in fact be a real book), and an AIM bandana may or may not be in his wardrobe. Soifer is, as far as we well know, fully conscious at this time. Mr. Canon also wishes to thank Mr. James Vedral, a gentleman and a scholar, for the basic sto-ryline.

Tim

Can

on II

“Still, if a statement cannot reasonably be interpreted to be one of express or implied fact, it cannot be libelous. This means that humor columns, spoofs, cartoons and satire are protected as long as readers understand that the material is not intended to be taken seriously.” Student Press Law Center

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It was a day like any other in the Office of Student Activities, a day where decorations floated about, in-flatable monkeys reigned, and gossamer was available to all. Until gloom spread upon the happy matching t-shirt-ed employees and terror ran in the hearts of many. The cause? The gossamer had gone missing. The clouds began to form and the lightning struck as Emily Dreman, student activities coordinator for stu-dent life, cried out in terror as she discovered that her scratchy, sparkly felt-like fabric had disappeared from its nest. Quickly she gathered her staff around to form a search party, because after all, gossamer takes prior-ity before all else. OSA President Michelle Kissler led one search party heading north, or in whatever direction the residence halls are, and Graduate Assistant Mitch Karstens led the other, toward Main Hall. Karstens’ party was in luck as they stumbled upon a lonely freshman asking where University Hall was lo-cated and sporting a gossamer skirt that left nothing for the eye not to see. Karstens refrained from retriev-ing the gossamer strip and embarked on the Science and Engineering Building thinking that this may be the last place for gossamer to be found, because after all, what would science and engineering have to do with gossamer? After soothing his mood at the mood sensor pole thing, Karstens soon found one of many culprits, as

college or university. ), cougars (n. 1. A large, tawny cat, 2. An older woman who seeks out young male lovers.), and so many more interesting but utterly use-less tidbits designed to disillusion (v. 1. To free or deprive of illusion; disenchant.) the everyday (SEE ‘common’), common (SEE ‘everyday’), ignorant (adj. …3. Unaware or uninformed.) and uncultured student (n. 1. A person formally engaged in learning, esp. one enrolled in a school or college), as to what this wacky world (n. 1. The earth. 2. The universe. 3. The earth and its inhabitants collectively. 4. The human race.) of ours really is, via satire (n. 1. The use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc., 2. A literary composition in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn, derision or ridicule.) , and parody (n. 1. Any humorous, satirical, or burlesque imitation, as of a person, event, etc., 2. To imitate for purposes of ridicule or satire.). Many persons of sensitive constitution fi nd such sarcastic, predominantly untrue reporting to be offensive and distasteful. However, all quotes and instances are wholly misattributed and without foundation. No more offense than necessary should be taken, though hate mail is always a good outlet if storming off in an irked huff doesn’t work. If angry state persists we suggest you contact your physician. If you fi nd you are unable to take a bitter, explicit and probably taste-less joke, not reading anything at all ever might be the better choice. The Scribe is not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure on the part of your brain to perform. This page is meant for enjoyable educational purposes. No children or animals were harmed in the making of this segment.

Trouble in OSA: Massive amounts of gossamer goes missing

a science class had decided to test the effects of placing gossamer over twinkly lights. Karstens rolled his eyes and ex-claimed, “Our gossamer is non-flammable. Duh.” Kissler’s party had less luck, until, walking up to the Upper Plaza, she was reminded that that day was SPECTRUM’s drag show. All of the models were decked in gossamer: pink gos-samer, blue gossamer, yellow gossamer, and the rarely yet in- high-demand, neon pink glow-in-the-dark gossamer. The quick and clever Kissler soon realized what had hap-pened to her office’s precious gossamer. After asking if they could please return the gossa-mer, the models invited Kissler to join in the gossamer drag show. Against her better judg-ment, she joined in on the act, painfully adorning twinkly lights and gossamer in a Kylie Minogue tribute. Once the festivities were

Picture by: Carrie Woodruff

complete, Karstens found gossamer flying about and suddenly everyone had a taste of the miracle of gossamer. Even our resident construction work-ers joined in on the fun and decorated the under-construction Event Center in gossamer and hung the gossamer along the tunnel to Dwire’s railing. The campus was alive in gossamer and Karstens could not ruin the party as Kissler and Dreman followed suit in the fun. It is said that even the chancel-lor had a little taste of gossamer that day.

“Still, if a statement cannot reasonably be interpreted to be one of express or implied fact, it cannot be libelous. This means that humor columns, spoofs, cartoons and satire are protected as long as readers understand that the material is not intended to be taken seriously.” Student Press Law Center

Jackie Parkinson

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Aug. 27, 2009