2.

Life As Art

Life is art and the world is my canvas. People ask me what I

am doing, and I say “this,!” but most cannot see the forest for the

trees and feel a bit let down by this response. A journey is an

adventure that takes someone towards a place that may not always

be clear from its beginning. The end is no less well defined either,

which leaves the middle, or the part now in the present that we are

all experiencing known as life. My grasp on the many

fundamental footholds that are sometimes taken for granted in

society by others can drastically alter the perception and the

medium of how this art can be portrayed or be seen as my

expression. For example, many patients with temporal lobe

epilepsy have persistent problems with the perception of internal

time; and in some cases it seems I might have experienced an event

before, known as deja vứ, or an event I have been to seems like the

first time, known as jame vứ. These are polite ways of saying that

a person will have memory problems, although the specifics are far

from being brought to the surface.

When Lewis Carroll wrote of his rabbit hole in Alice In

Wonderland, it may partly have been a time procesing and spatial

construct with internal issues which Lewis Carroll might have been

suffering from complex partial seizures, in which his characters

depicted were reflections of objects that were seemingly getting

larger and smaller, and his characters were a healthy manifestation

in which these side effects that epilepsy may on us have benefited

Lewis Carroll in his illustrating for children.

It is my distinct impression that a great deal of what life

seems to be for the most part is a pre-supposed understanding

among all of the general population of many sets of rules for

getting along and knowing what to do and how to interact. From a

cultural standpoint, regions of the world and languages can partly

separate these unwritten rules. As these subsets become

understood and hashed out over many years of solidifying some

lines for the sake of traditional roles, it becomes evident that their

really is no more a foundation for a line to mark in a society that

somebody should not cross either religion or politics as much but it

is okay to walk all over those representing the minority. This, of

course, will be a safe course of action for the slick politician and

those that ride the coattails, yet the wake of those left abandoned

will not soon be forgotten. If most of society has no idea of how

these personal changes can occur to a person with epilepsy when it

is not a visible seizure that others know about, then the time for

this type of illness to become better understood can easily take

much longer than the healthcare changes have patience for, and

patients for. It also becomes very frustrating for the patient

population suffering from epilepsy, as they see other neurological

illnesses getting more attention and more research and money,

helping the curative wheel spin faster. I am very grateful for

getting much better medications over the past few years, but if we

had all done a better job sooner we could have gotten to this point

sooner.

As the above explanation is my background, all I

want to do at this point is to express myself in anyway possible

that can convey the best message for the continuity of exasperated

and exhausted people in similar situations as I sometimes feel. I

want to create something in a particular medium that can speak for

those that always seem to be left unspoken for. Epilepsy disturbs a

persons psyche from the inside-out, and as I get older the general

well being that others may notice in their aging process seem to

become enhanced and exaggerated in myself. Life becomes what

it may be for all of us, I only want to speak in a voice that can be

heard that may reflect the attitude not of how society sees people

with epilepsy but on the contrary, how we can show society the

point of view that has largely been overlooked many times in a

purposeful manner by the general population. This may not

always please everyone, but it is what a certain truth is seen by

those from my perspective is. The public seems to think they have

to automatically a need to know when a person’s last seizure was,

while this might be a good benchmark for some difficult to manage

people with epilepsy, my life now has moved beyond seizures

counts.

It was undermining my ability to communicate in practically every

modern way with any credible guarantee of success that my

conversation was being pointed where it should. Because of my

inherent problems with communication already from an internal

standpoint, any additional obstacles complicating matters, had just

made it worse.

So too had my life seemed dependent on arcane issues which

I had found as useless as an old body part that evolution did not

quite get rid of yet, for example the appendix or the male nipple.

When my body is in tune and functioning properly then nothing

more or less needs to be done to the internal balance, and an

appendix is no longer needed; yet tolerated up to a point.

However, additional external forces, such as medication still need

to be taken as prescribed.

As I think about how I should create something and what

should it be, the shape of something that had not existed before is

already coming into being. Take this discussion on art as the first

step forward and everything else can then be better understood

from a creation of this context. This is the foundation in a textual

form, whether other forms will also be the same remains to be

seen, and time will tell.

The first question that has to be looked into is what

constitutes art, or what are some of the components that make art

into the concept of art? Art can last a very long time, because it is

an emotional expression of an idea, it is the cultural milieu that art

gets folded into that must be addressed before better understanding

can be achieved. This is not simply stating an either or question

about the chicken or the egg, rather the social Darwinism that is in

constant flux as we ebb and flow upward and outward with every

new idea coming alive.

Because of the isolating conditions that a recurring seizure

disorder often has on a person, many turn to art as an outlet to

expressing themselves in an acceptable way. Within this cultural

milieu mindset, when society attempts to think they are acting

normally then nothing and no one should be exempt in society, and

let the chips fall where they may. Yet, everyone also can have a

story to tell about their own feelings of persecution from others.

What I would like to emphasize here is that most people may not

even recognize that this is even happening because it has either

been going on for so long or the general population just seems to

accept these notions as what most can get away with.

People within a society like to talk a good game but when

they are asked about what is it about their environment that makes

them feel like they are anointed with freedom oil or something so

special, they find it difficult to point to a good example. Despite

this lack of newfound freedom able to instill better communication

skills with those that seem so proud to point it out, we cannot lose

what the concept of this topic still needs to be focused on. While I

will touch on many different topics throughout this paper, all will

be related to art on some level.

Art expression can add to conveying colorful meanings that

no written languages will ever be able to aspire to because the

mere vocabulary of an alphabet does not reflect what the soul

contains. A great deal is lost in attempting to translate a thought

from within and onward to a piece of paper effectively getting the

same result.

Religion and Culture

Religious ideas that are genuine can be best replicated

without the use of any additional symbolism to express those ideas.

Anything more will weaken the structure of this belief system by

lowering its standards to ours. If we slowly admit that over the

many generations of faith based ideas, we have simply replaced the

originals with mere symbolism of what the genuine idea once was,

we no longer seem to think we know what we had in mind. This is

precisely how one generation extends the continuity without

questioning the past, although it should, as these thoughts continue

to unfold beyond one life and into the next. As time passes one

family may not think it is participating in a larger epochal decision

by following certain traditions, they are simply practiced partly out

of comfort and a sense of ritual that brings a family together. Yet,

on a macrocosm, a society that takes a similar approach in a

majority of its citizens will undoubtedly not give proper safeguards

to a lesser minority, but one with equal protection that may not

want to carry out these invisible extensions from beyond the grave.

Some may have the faith to believe not to believe, and there are

more non believers than one may want to fully be aware of.

Take for example the ritual of prayer, one in which I myself

never extend the practice of by the use of the spoken word. While

it is of course a contradiction in the end, my personal preference

not to dilute my own internal vision of what this greater good

should be defined as to others will always keep me silent and I will

never break that for my own inner harmony. If I were to speak of

these ideas of spirituality that should only be thought of then might

there be a time when eventually they were written down in all

different languages? After a while still these comparisons would

easily raise questions about the similarities as well as the

differences of not who they are as a society but what their ideas

are, and why they differ. It seems to be that to the leaders of the

people that want to compare religious ideas to each other, please

check your egos at the door and look for the common similarities

so you can find peace to offer your neighbor with something they

are familiar with.

An idea about a supreme being is nothing more than a shared

belief that many people believe in not because it is true, but

because it is just another idea that perpetuates itself through the

generations. Our minds do not seem too concerned about

accepting the notion of Darwin’s theory of evolution, and how our

physical bodies came to be the way they are today. Yet, many are

still afraid to include within the evolution of the body, the

evolution of the brain, and how it had to have changed along the

way, as well. In earlier forms of hominid species, when the brain

size was smaller, the thought patterns were still developing to the

point that there was a breaking point from within their mind,

although they may not have been aware of this. It was this

psychological tipping point that to some an inner voice could have

easily been mistook for as a mysterious guidance from above. If

this newfound brainpower gave only a few early hominids at first

the feel of the inner voice effects, so be it and pass the snakes!

This may help explain the origin to our past traditions, but it may

not help to stop any of these from continuing. It becomes much

more difficult to stop what has been a grown familiarity than to

just continue on without thinking otherwise as to why anything

should change.

My approach towards life began with my viewpoint in the world

from the years that many towards me that I have tried not to collect in

my conscience from those I thought would be the furthest from my

understanding

I had the most concern emanating from, initially, which part I

have succeeded in this respect the arrows of inequity to any trying to

correct a problem that had festered far too long. Many people suffering

from a disability, but usually these are a disability that can be easily

sensed by others and then treated in a physiological way. Doctors can

treat a patient with an imbalance of chemicals in one’s system by

administering them with medications that keep this imbalance in check,

and patient orderly, as well. I have had doctors who have seen their

patients in their patient-doctor relationship as nothing more than an

imbalanced system rather than a patient first. This does not help the

wellness of the patient.

We are the architect of our actions and the sum of our parts,

though nobody or no thing can tell me that I have been as responsible

for myself as I possibly can over the years. Yet, in stark contrast to this

stands the disability in which I am fully enveloped by epilepsy, and

which epilepsy fully envelops me. Despite what the medical records

may show, a person will not see how I have been void of many

emotional tendencies of a lesser ability to express my feelings in any

way yet at the same time I am still able to fully know those feelings

from an objective standpoint. To give certain pause to those from an

outside perspective, I often think that maybe these emotional flat lining

thoughts could have been what Phineas Gage might have gone through

as well for his 10 years of life after getting impaled through the head

with a crow bar. He survived, but his personality drastically changed

until he finally had a status epilepticus seizure that he never came out

of. I mention Mr. Gage because his case initiated a study on emotional

issues that largely was overlooked. This is the commonality that he

and I share because as seen in both instances, it was both the same side

of the head that was injured. Mine, of course not as severe but the

common factor which is the left temporal lobe, and how over the years

certain things can trigger a mild cascading effect to happen with me.

Mostly stress of any kind will be the main reason for me to keep a

low profile. There are many gradations of other cases in which stress

triggers much less in intensity short of having a demonstrable outburst

much like that of Phineas Gage. Dr. Antonio Damasio refers to Mr.

Gage in his book, Descartes Error, which show the range and

complexity of this issue. Dr. Damasio explains in several of his books

that there is much overlooked truth in emotions and how they

intertwine with reason to give a person a balanced persona much like

Spinoza would have considered more in line with his way of thinking.

Unfortunately, this was not a very widespread attitude in his day.

The self-efficacy model in Spinoza’s Buddhist-like thinking that

god is everywhere and nowhere helps people take responsibility for

initiating their own care. The fact will not be proven either way and

can only go as far as the internal wanderings of any self-respecting

monk. Buddhism, to me is the most benign of the major religions, and

it asks very little or requires only a few thoughts by the follower.

The most unfortunate part about my the way I am treated by others

because out of sometimes not knowing my own being in the world, comes

from their ability to treat me in response to something they are unable to grasp

because it is beyond their sensory perceptions. If all of my epilepsy problems

are occurring in my brain, nobody can see these problems for what they are

and make a judgment on their risk to my health. As it is connected directly to

the organ that is responsible for articulating a single thought into cogent and

coherent language, it can also interfere in ways that become complex.

There are two different cognitive aspects to explore here as to how and what

the brain will go through. The first deals with thinking and the second is the

act of holding those thoughts and articulating them from my mind to my brain,

and going from thought to language. This is best described as a type mental

gymnastics, and for most people without a head injury, on top of epilepsy,

would take this type of internal transfer for granted. Yet, this is why the act of

communication for me becomes that much more precious. The second part

deals with an external mode of communication by creating different types of a

common language to share and help better understand each other by sharing

some of our thoughts. One does this when enough strength is galvanized as to

the import of the message where I can utilize my mind and to where an idea

passes from my thought process over to some type of bridge that carries these

internal messages and make it possible for the language we all share to best

understand all other types of communication.

For my sake, my disability, without taking into consideration the

thought processes intertwined within the mind conveying every message

must not be looked on as mutually exclusive entities, for the brain is merely

a cognitive prosthesis for the mind. The ability to realize one’s own

capabilities into creative thinking one must first shed themselves of all

attributes and modalities. For the brain is just the vehicle in which I can

hitch a ride to and is not required to keep once I have arrived. I am not

talking about any kind of religion, although many have tried this and many

have become too carried away in those types of pursuits. On the contrary,

this is and must be a form of existential humanism, which means life lived

as an end in itself instead of a means toward another worldliness beyond, or

used as a tool. As the great agnostic, Robert Ingersoll would say, “One

life at a time”. One more minority status to tag on to me will not break me,

this pluralistic universe is full of all different kinds of people trying to

make adjustments to one’s happiness.

Despite the physical world calling into the spiritual, there should be

quite enough room for ones imagination not to let these worlds collide and

affect each other. When given enough discipline to practice certain

thoughts most people can achieve a modicum of success they can call their

own. Battling windmills will only lead one to pursue Quixotic adventures.

However, since I have gotten this far I might as well continue to look into a

civil continuation.

Cognition is the mental process or faculty of knowing, including

aspects such as awareness, perception, reasoning, and judgment. This

mechanism, which comes to be known through perception, and

intuition, becomes our knowledge (American Heritage Dictionary). A

cognitist or thinker would then study these aspects and stress the

mental process of thinking. What is stressed as important here is not

the conclusion or ending to these thoughts but merely the creation or

middle ground in which most of our time will be spent in gathering our

notion of future thoughts. As it turns out everyone’s life becomes an

expression or a form of art that defines each individual one life at a

time. How we think becomes vastly more important than what we

think. Regardless of whether grand or silly ideas one may think they

may have, it is the underlying process that are able to gather these

abstractions a cognitist would be most interested in pursuing. While it

is true most humans have working minds capable of higher thought, the

very idea of how this complex organ came to be is still a great marvel

to think about. Higher thoughts can include certain personal creations

on the possibility of a supreme being. However, because of the nature

of this entity, this being never can actually have the real singular

existence beyond the scope of our own imagination or else the

foundation of its own world begins to contradict any external meaning.

In the end, we each are left to our own faculties and how best to

discern reality as we come to know it. We have the relationship with

humanity and ourselves, and the exploration of the external world. I

think we might get better results by having an honest dialogue with

nature and to cut out the so-called middle entity (conduit), which really

isn’t there. An old relic in our ever-changing mind tells us that the

voice in our head giving the advice that we need is nothing more than

our subconscious mind, and not god. Yet, some people are ardent

supporters of the past and cling to this comforting notion, despite the

realization that it is unlikely to prove true. The psychological makeup

of the human brain has evolved as well as to change the internal

mindset of how we think, and this gives us the appearance of having a

forward-thinking mind. A mind clearly seeing people discarding the

metaphysical training wheels and the internal order to fully function in

todays modernity will essentially feel less burdened as a result as time

moves forward in this frictionless universe.

As for my current state of how I see and treat epilepsy for myself, is as

long as it treats me well it is a disability that has given me abilities to see

things in different ways, not good or bad, just different. ~Ted Berlstein

c. 2013