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A presentation by Adam Arnold at the event "Bullying in Our Midst" (4/14/13) - http://semnsynod.org/ministries/cyf/bullying-in-our-midst/ What makes a bully be a bully? What conditions and variables are in place that makes him/her think it’s okay to be cruel to others? If we really want to stop the epidemic that is literally taking the lives of our youth, we must go beyond treating the symptoms of the bully’s behavior. We must look at the source of the problem. Utilizing the latest research on bullying, psychotherapist Adam Arnold discusses systemic, practical, and strength-based approaches for getting to the heart of bullying. Adam holds a Master of Arts in Counseling and Psychotherapy, is Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor, and is a member of the LGBT Therapists Network, the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy as well as the Minnesota Association of Marriage and Family Therapy. In addition to being a family therapist in private practice and the Executive Artistic Director for blank slate theatre (www.blankslatetheatre.com), Adam has worked as a counselor in several residential and day treatment centers, and as a group psychotherapist in the addiction and domestic violence fields. More about Adam at www.adamwarnold.com.
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Analyzing the Bully
Adam Arnold, MA, LMFT, LADC
Analyzing the Bully
AWAKEN ME
To a place Where there is room for all.
- Mayr Boros
What is bullying?
BUL-LY (noun)
a blustering browbeating person; especially : one who is habitually cruel to others who are weaker (Merriam Webster Dictionary, 2012)
What is bullying?
The word “bully” was first used in 1530 and originally applied to both genders and meant “sweetheart.” It is from the Dutch boel, meaning “lover” or “brother.” Around the seventeenth century, the term began to mean “fine fellow,” “blusterer,” and then “harasser of the weak” (Etymology Dictionary, 2011).
What is bullying?
If everything is bullying, nothing is bullying.
What is bullying?The Four Markers of Bullying
1. Imbalance of Power. The bully maintains power because of age, strength, size, gender intelligence, and/or social standing.
2. Intent to harm. The bully means to inflict emotional and/or physical pain, expects the actions to hurt, and can take pleasure in witnessing the hurt.
What is bullying?The Four Markers of Bullying – cont’d
3. Threat of further aggression. Bullying involves repeated, consistent negative actions and threats against the target.
4. Terror. Bullying is used to intimidate and maintain dominance. The damage to the target’s self-concept is often long lasting, and the target can feel isolated and exposed (Coloroso, 2008).
What is bullying?
"A person is bullied when he or she is exposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions on the part of one or more other persons, and he or she has difficulty defending himself or herself.” (Olweus, 1993)
What is bullying?
Bullying happens not just in the United States but also all over the world. International researchers have demonstrated that bullying in schools is universal (Bingham, 2010).
Bullying can occur anywhere there is a perceived or real imbalance of power, ranging from in the home, to in the workplace, to on an international level (Hamilton, 2008).
Who are bullies?
All persons have the capacity to be cruel, and all persons have the capacity to become bullies.
Bullies can be any size, age, gender, ethnicity, or grade.
Who are bullies?
Bullies might stick to themselves, or be the most popular kid in school.
Bullies are not defined by their appearance, interests, or extra-curricular activities, but instead by their behavior.
Who are bullies?Bully Types
Confident Bully. This bully has an ego, a fondness for violence, and little empathy for others. He feels good when he sees himself as superior to others, and is often admired for his powerful personality.
Social Bully. This bully uses rumor, gossip, taunts, and shunning to isolate and exclude her targets from social activity. She is jealous of others’ positive qualities and at the same time comes across as confident, charming, compassionate, and popular. In reality she uses charm to get what she wants.
Who are bullies?Bully Types – cont’d
Fully Armored Bully. This bully is cool, detached, and rarely shows emotion. He is determined to carry out his bullying and will look for chances when no one is around to see or stop him. He is vicious to his targets, but charming in front of others. He buries his emotions very deep.
Hyperactive/Reactive Bully. This bully is emotionally-charged, has poor impulse control, and sees the whole world as “out to get them.” They feel that they are only protecting their space, may react to even accidental bumps like they are personal attacks, and may excuse their bullying by blaming others.
Bullied Bully. This type of bully is a target of adults or other kids, and she bullies to gain a sense of relief from her own feelings of powerlessness and self-loathing.
Who are bullies?Bully Types – cont’d
Bunch of Bullies. This is a group of friends who collectively do something that they would never do individually to someone that they want to exclude, blame, or get into trouble.
Gang of Bullies. This is a group that is drawn together as a strategic alliance who is hoping to gain power, control, or domination. People may join to be protected or to feel respected, but their devotion to the group will eventually make them ignore the overall consequences of their behavior (Coloroso, 2008).
Who are bullies?Traits of (most) bullies
Bullies often…
… like to use other people to get what they want.
… find it hard to see a situation from the otherperson’s point of view.
Who are bullies?Traits of (most) bullies – cont’d
… are most principally concerned with their own desires and not the needs, rights, or feelings of others.
… refuse to accept responsibility for their actions.
… lack foresight – that is, the ability to consider the possible consequences of their behavior.
… crave attention (Coloroso, 2008).
Who are bullies?
Bullies were not born wanting to bully others.
If bullies weren’t born wanting to bully others - what happened?
What influences bullies to bully others?
“Be kind; everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”
– John Watson
What influences bullies to bully others?
The Four Goals of Misbehavior
Attention
Power
Revenge
Withdrawal/Avoidance of Failure (Dreikurs, 1964)
What influences bullies to bully others?Further Goals of Bullies
… wanting to be noticed.
… wanting to be popular.
… seeking love but not knowing how to get it (Fried and Fried, 2004).
What influences bullies to bully others?
Trends in the Histories of Bullies
Bullies may be having problems at home, may be abused or picked on, or may be seeking attention because they are not getting it from their parents.
Bullies may be feeling sad or scared, and therefore they act tough so no one notices their feelings.
Bullies might be lonely, have low self-esteem or not know how to get along with other people.
What influences bullies to bully others?
Trends in the Histories of Bullies – cont’d
Bullies may come from a home where the parents are the ultimate rulers. This can make someone feel like they have no power or control and therefore lash-out in frustration.
Overly aggressive and overly permissive parents are equally likely to have children who bully (Rosenthal, 2008; Fried and Fried, 2004; Coloroso, 2008).
What are some helpful ways in approaching
bullies?
Build relationships.
Show curiosity.
Listen.
Show empathy and compassion.
Use distractions.
What are some helpful ways in approaching
bullies?
Be proactive.
Encourage, and build on strengths.
Be firm, and consistent.
Avoid labeling.
Be specific when intervening.
What can we do about bullying?
When someone speaks-up and tries to stop bullying, 57% of the time bullying behavior is stopped within 10 seconds (Hawkins, Pepler, and Craig, 2001).
What can we do about bullying?
But what happens when those 10 seconds are over?
What can we do about bullying?
Attempt to get to the core of a person’s bullying.
Adopt a systems perspective.
Cooperate.
Re-think zero tolerance policies.
Re-think traditional anti-bullying approaches.
What can we do about bullying?
Cultivate safe places to belong.
Practice self-awareness.
Take responsibility for past and present mistakes.
Model anti-bullying behaviors.
Embrace the complexity of this problem.
What can we do about bullying?
Assess for mental illness.
Learn more about the brains of persons with trauma.
Remember that bullying has been around for a long time.
Avoid promoting anti-bullying fads.
Use alternative words.
What can we do about bullying?
Teach and model assertiveness.
Teach and model empathy.
Be mindful of contagion.
Cultivate resilience.
Learn more about the brains of children/adolescents.
Analyzing the Bully
If a victim fights a bully and the bully wins, this loss will only make matters worse for the victim. Fighting back is not encouraged (Rosenthal, 2008).
Contact
www.blankslatetheatre.com
www.adamwarnold.com
