Alternative Nativity

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An alternative Nativity for Teensby Trevor Marshall

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An Alternative Nativity for Teens! T P E Marshall 2010


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Onto the empty stage walkMARY andJOSEPH.They are dressed as for a traditionalnativity play, and MARY has an unsustainably large and obviously falsebump. She

fiddles with it and moves it around constantly during the scene. At the rear of the stage areseveral stereotypically-dressed ANGELS. Throughout the play, they fidget, shuffle, lookbored and whisper among themselves. To the side CAESAR sits watching proceedings.

MARY:! Oh Joseph (she sighs deeply)must we go to Bethlehem?

JOSEPH:! Dearest Mary, you know we must. Caesar has decreed that wemust go to register for the census. (CAESAR nods sagely.JOSEPH puts a patronisingly consoling arm around hershoulder.) Dont worry, I will make sure you and the baby aresafe and looked after. (he pats thebump, dislodging itsignificantly.)

MARY:! Oh Joseph, the census. It seems sosenseless (she pausesand looks meaningfully at the audience)

JOSEPH:! Dearest Mary, I have a surprise for you: I have managed toborrow a donkey for you for the journey

MARY:! Oh

JOSEPH:! dearest Mary, I know donkeys can be annoying, but I canassure you, this one is as sweet as can be.

Enter DONKEY dressed as a donkey - and behaving as much like Donkey out of Shrek aspossible

DONKEY:! ShreJoseph! Joseph! Joseph! Where are we going? Whereare we going? When are we going? When are we going?

(pause) Are we there yet?JOSEPH:! Dearest Donkey, you must be calm. This is Mary, Madonna, and

you must take her and her precious cargo to Bethlehem.

DONKEY:! Hey! I can do calm! I can do it! I can do calm! Look! (he freezes,then walks very slowly for 3 paces, then back to normal) See!See! I did it! Oh yeah, I can be calm, I can be calm, ICANBECAAAAAAAALM!

! Hey lady! Hop on and hold on tight. I really liked what you did inEvita. Ill get you to Bethlehem noooo trouble. Just hopon andholdon.

Suddenly on the balcony, a commotion breaks out. Two TEENS are having an increasinglyheated debate. Suddenly one of them stands up

TEEN ONE:! (getting louder)no its no goodno, I cant let them get awaywith it. (to MARY and JOSEPH) Hey! Excuse me! What isthis?

TEEN TWO: ! (hissing) Sit down!

TEEN ONE:! (to TEEN TWO) No! It has to be said. (To the stage) MrJoseph! II dont want to be rude, but this is rubbish.

MARY, JOSEPH and DONKEY look at each other, not sure what to do. They glanceanxiously atTHE DIRECTOR sitting in the front row. THE DIRECTOR studiously avoidstheir gaze.

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DONKEY:! erIller(coughs nervously) Ill get you to Bethlehem(gradually finding his stride). Yes maam! Ill get you and yourbabyto Bethlehem quicker than you can say feast of the sun-god.

TEEN ONE:! Nooooo! Just no! This is all wrong! Have you read yourBibles?

DONKEY:! Hey! Dont look at me! Im a donkey. Im just a dumb-a

JOSEPH:! dearest donkey, we know. (to TEEN ONE) Dearest TEENperson, I certainly have read my Bible. Perhaps it would be agood idea if you were to watch for a while, and learn about thereal meaning of Christmas.

TEEN ONE:! oh, right, thats it. Wait there! I m coming down!

TEEN ONE leaves the balcony and goes down to the stage. While they are making theirway, MARY, JOSEPH and DONKEY make a brave effort to carry on. JOSEPH puts

MARY on DONKEY, who promptly collapses.

DONKEY:! OW! OH! OW! What have you been eating? Ow my back!

JOSEPH:! Dearest Donkey, please be brave and strong, I know the frostywind is making moan, but bear this burden to the little town ofBethlehem.

DONKEY:! Ill be exhausted by the time I get therehave you seen thesnow

JOSEPH:! Dearest Donkey,

DONKEY:! on snow

JOSEPH:!

dont worry,

DONKEY:! Sno-o-o-o-ow on snow

JOSEPH:! I can promise you deep and dreamless sleep when you arrive

He stops, as TEEN ONE has arrived and comes up onto the stage. Looking up at TEENTWO

TEEN ONE:! Have they said anything else?

TEEN TWO:! ErO little town of Bethlehem

TEEN ONE:! (groans) Deep and dreamless sleep?

TEEN TWO:!

(nods)TEEN ONE:! anything else?

TEEN TWO:! (nods)

TEEN ONE: ! not

TEEN TWO:! yep

TEEN ONE:! bleak

TEEN TWO:! midwintersnow on s

TEEN ONE:! Noooo! (Takes deep breath, turns to MARY, JOSEPH andDONKEY.) OK, please, please tell me, where in the Bible do weread that Mary rode to Bethlehem on a Donkey?

MARY, JOSEPH, DONKEY: well, er, you know, its er well if you look

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TEEN ONE:! (to THE DIRECTOR) Could we move on to the next scene, andtry to get it right? (THE DIRECTOR nods) OK. Lets go. leavesstage and returns to balcony.

MARY, JOSEPH and DONKEY scurry off.

Enter INNKEEPER and INNKEEPERS WIFE, looking slightly off-balance because of what

has happened before. There is a reception desk with a bell, and a sign saying NOVACANCIES

INNKEEPER:! (coughs nervously) Now, my dear, tell me: how are theoccupancy rates tonight?

INNKEEPERS WIFE:! Occupancy rates! He wants to know about occupancy rates!

INNKEEPER:! Wellare weahemare we full?

INNKEEPERS WIFE:! Full! He wants to know if we are full!

Enter MARY and JOSEPH in an exaggerated state of tiredness. Joseph drags himself tothe reception desk and rings the bell.

INNKEEPER:! Theres someone ringing the anachronistic doorbell. Should I goand see who it is?

INNKEEPERS WIFE:! Answer it! He wants to know if he should answer it!

INNKEEPER:! (to JOSEPH) Yes, young honest artisan, how may I help you -although I hope youre not going to say you need a room,(forcedlaugh) not tonight of all nights?

JOSEPH:! Oh dear (sighs). Yes I was going to, you seemy wife is aboutto give birth to her first babyand we have travelled for daysand every inn is full

INNKEEPER:! Theres an honest young chap here needs a room - his wifesabout to give birth. Are you sure we have nothing?!

INNKEEPERS WIFE:! Nothing! He wants to know if we have nothing!

INNKEEPER:! Im sorry sonIve got room for your donkey, a nice warmstable with the ox, plenty of clean hay, warm lamp-light, nodraughts or manure or anything, and a feed-trough that reallyreminds me of something, but I dont know what

JOSEPH:! A stable!

INNKEEPER:! its like a pram, or something

JOSEPH:! A stable would be fine!

INNKEEPER:! maybe itsthats what it is, it reminds me of a cot! A cot!(looks at JOSEPH as the pennydrops) Youre having a baby!(suddenly brisk) Well come on, theres no time to lose! Wife!Do we have hot water?

INNKEEPERS WIFE:! Hot water! He wants to know if we have hot water!

INNKEEPERS:! And towels!

INNKEEPERS WIFE:! Towels! He wants to knowwaitWe havent invented towelsyet!

TEEN ONE, having arrived back at the balcony, is looking on is disbelief.

TEEN ONE:! No, no, no, no! What now?

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JOSEPH:! Erwhats wrong now?

TEEN ONE:! Whats all this about stables, and trailing around loads of inns?

JOSEPH: ! Well, it says in the Bible that there was no room in any of theinns

TEEN TWO:! in the guest room

MARY:! huh?

JOSEPH:! But you cant argue with the stable - they laid him in a manger -(smugly) There!

TEEN TWO:! (patiently) In the manger, in the main part of the house, wherethe family lived.

THE DIRECTOR:! (standing up) So if all this is so wrong, what is true? (The castall look at each other)

TEEN ONE:! Tell them Mary. Tell them Joseph.

JOSEPH:!

(taking off his tea-towel) Well, this much is true. This much wefind in Gods word. Mary, my fiance, got pregnant. And I knewit wasnt mine. You know, There was no way, if you get what I msaying. (pause). And thats a pretty shameful thing, you know.For me, but more so for Mary. I mean, it was the end for her.She was finished. Ruined. You can only imagine how it felt forher to come and tell me

! And I

! I

! Lets just say, sleep and I were not good friends just at that

time. But if I had thought I was scared then, you can imaginehow I felt when I finally got to sleep - an angel visited me in mydream and explained that the child was Gods. And I guess Iknew thenyou know, Ive read the prophets, I know how mypeople treat Gods messengersI knew

! Well, anyway. With impeccable timing Caesar required us toreturn to our home town to register, so we went. Its a long, longway. When we arrived, we went to the family home - you canimagine if Id tried to stay in a hotel, but of course all mybrothers and sisters and cousins were there, so we were all

crammed in, and when finally the baby came, the nearest thingat hand was the animal feeding trough. So there it was.

! But it was scary, you know? I mean, I knew God was in charge,but, its dirty and bloody and dangerous, and I hadnt realisedgiving birth was so hard and tiring for the mum, and so scary forthe husband

! And then he was born, and you know, although he wasnt mine- although I had this gut feeling about how his life would be

! when the woman you love gives birth to the Son of God - whenyou see the joy in the eyes banish the tiredness and fear, and

then when the sky all around you explodes - I mean it seemedto explode with light and sound and singing like youve neverheard, expressing a joy that seemed beyond human words and

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expression, beyond conscious understanding, and yourestanding looking at this bundle - and yes he criedverydefinitely he cried - and youre seeing this bundle and hearingthis sound, and the night sky - no the actual night itself is lit upand lit round, and lit down and lit everywhere by this godly,fantastical amazing light, then you

MARY:! (as JOSEPH comes to the end of his speech, Mary stands up,removes the bump and her head-covering, and she lightlytouches JOSEPH on the arm. Addressing him directly)thenyou sit, and you watch, and you listen. And you treasure thesethings up, and ponder them in your heart. (turning to theaudience) And you know that nothing - nothing before or since -has been more real than this. Nothing more flesh and bloodthan this birth. Nothing more grounded in the earth, and testifiedto in heaven - than this, the birth of the saviour.

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Alternative Nativity