Alone I Break

7/28/2019 Alone I Break

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Alone I BreakAuthor: Isis (aka FlyerGirl)Started: June 6, 2004Completed:

Feedback: [email protected]

Disclaimer: Not, Joss, dont work for WB, UPN, FOX, etc...which translates to them not being mine.

Rating: R (some language, implied sex)Pairing: B/ASummary: total AU Tragedy strikes Buffy Summers life, for a second time, sending her spiraling out of control.Main Characters: Buffy, Oz, Angel, XanderSupporting Cast: Giles, Lorne, Gunn, WillowSpoilers: none, other than little tid b its here and there inserted into a human AU.

Distribution: my site (Vagabond Soul), and if you already have any of my fics, you may take this one, if not, p lease askfirst.

Authors Notes: Written for Kristi (bashipforever) for the Whedonverse AU Ficathon (run by myself and Stars). Therequest will come at the end of the fic.

AN2: There are some medical and psychological aspects in this fic. They are likely not entirely accurate because Im nota doctor, or psychiatrist, so please excuse any errors.

Thank you: to Wendy, who betad this fic, and to Roz, my favorite test reader.

Warnings: rather angsty, character death (not Buffy or Angel), a bad word or two, implied sex.

~`~`~ Part 1 ~`~`~

Thud.Thud.Thud.

Startled, nineteen year old Buffy Summers turned away from the sink where she was washing the dishes from dinner andwalked toward the foyer. Reaching the doorway leading out of the kitchen, her steps halted as she spied a small dufflebag resting at the foot of the stairs. One eyebrow rose as she glanced upwards and saw Oz rushing down the stairs as heput on his coat.

Normally people carry things down stairs, not just toss them down, she said, chuckling slightly.

I dropped it, he replied, not bothering to look up from where he was now kneeling, digging around in theaforementioned bag.

Buffy shook her head as she watched her older, half-brothers frazzled movements. It was a little unusual for him to beso animated, but sometimes before his band had a gig a crack showed in his carefully constructed carefree faade.Considering it was five minutes to seven, and he was supposed to be at the club at seven, she could understand hisrushing.

Whats up with the bag anyway? she asked curiously. Oz never usually took anything with him to gigs except for hisbass and amp, which normally never left his van except for sporadic practice sessions.

Huh? Oh! Its just some stuff of Devons that he left here last weekend, Oz answered distractedly, referring to his friendand the lead singer of their band Dingoes Ate My Baby.

Thinking of Devon, Buffy laughed out loud. She had first hand knowledge of the strangeness that was Ozs close friend.Hearing that hed left stuff at their house was nothing new. He was one of those people whod forget his own head if itwasnt attached.

Youre gonna be late if you dont hurry it up, she pointed out, stating what was glaringly obvious.

Oz looked up at her with a scowl on his face but said nothing, even as Buffy walked over and bumped her hip into his.

Im just teasin ya, she told him, ignoring his annoyed countenance.

I know, he said simply, then looked Buffy up and down, taking in her clothes which consisted of a pair of track pantsand an old tank top. Arent you going out tonight?

Huh? Buffy grunted.

I thought you had a date, he explained quickly, picking up his bag and walking to the door.

A date? Where the hell did you get that idea? she questioned in confusion. I cant even remember the last time I had adate.

I thought you...never mind. I gotta run, he said in a rush.


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Okay. Good luck tonight, her cheery voice chirped as she trotted over to hold the door open.

Thanks. Have fun with the TV, he teased, knowing his sister would spend the evening watching sappy chick flicks.Reaching over, Oz gave her a quick hug before scurrying out the door.

Buffy watched him leave, smiling as he peeled away from the curb in his rush to get to the club at least remotely close tothe time he was supposed to have been there. Once his battered van was out of sight, she closed the front door andheaded toward the living room.

~`~`~

The old clock in the corner of the living room chimed once, signaling that it was one in the morning. Buffy groggilyopened her eyes, letting out a small yawn as she sat up on the couch. Rubbing a hand over her face, she realized thatshe must have fallen asleep while watching her second movie of the night. The TV was still on, some lame infomercialnow playing on its screen.

Stretching slightly, Buffy rose from the couch and walked over to the bank of windows at the front of the room. Shepulled back the curtain, glancing outside to see if Ozs van was there. The driveway was empty so she figured Oz hadntgotten back from his gig yet. With another yawn, she let the curtain fall shut before deciding to head to the kitchen.

Moments later, she returned with a glass of milk in one hand and a plate of fat-free cookies in the other. Buffy wasnormally in bed by this t ime, but whenever Oz was out she always waited for him to get home so he could tell her abouthis gig or the sporadic dates he went on. It was tradition and she had no intention of breaking it.

Settled on the couch with an old afghan tucked around her legs, Buffy picked up the remote control and flipped throughthe channels looking for something vaguely interesting to watch. There wasnt much on, but she eventually found rerunsof a sitcom on one channel.

Halfway through the show, Buffy was idly munching on the cookies, laughing at t he comedic antics of the program, whensuddenly the room went pitch black. The TV and all the lights had gone off. Buffy froze, a shiver running down her spineat the odd occurrence.

When the lights did not come back on after several seconds, she stood, opt ing to go to the kitchen to find some candlesand matches. As she tried to take a step away from the couch, she howled, having stubbed her toe on the coffee table.Cursing, and hopping on one foot , she carefully maneuvered around the room and toward the kitchen.

She groped around the cabinets for a few minutes until she finally found some old candles, and thankfully, a pack of matches with them. Lighting one, she glanced around the darkened room, then at the back door. The utter blackness wasgiving her the creeps. Why had the lights gone out? It wasnt storming or anything. She wondered if maybe they hadforgotten to pay the electric bill, but no, if that was the case the company wouldnt have turned off the power in themiddle of the night.

Frowning, she wondered back through the kitchen and into the foyer, deciding to look out the front windows to see if herneighbors lights were off as well. She reached the front door and peeked out one of the side windows. It was just as darkoutside as it was inside. There wasnt a scrap of light to be seen because there was no moon out at all.

Buffy was just about to return to the living room to wait for Oz when she thought she saw something moving on the frontporch. Leaning in closer, she pressed her face almost against the glass trying to see anything, but it was no use. Thedarkness hid everything. She shrugged, figuring it was Oz on his way into the house, or possibly her over activeimagination.

The sudden knock on the door startled her and she let out a quiet scream. Clutching a hand over her chest, shewondered who the hell would be knocking at the door this late at night. Buffy took a step toward the door and was aboutto open it when common sense took over.

Who is it? she yelled loudly.

Buff? she heard a familiar voice answer. Its Xander.

A cold chill encased her body, making her tremble slightly. She quickly unlocked the door and threw it open. It was sodark she could barely see him, but f rom the soft glow of the candle she could recognize the figure of Xander Harris, oneof her brothers good friends, and also a member of the Sunnydale Police Force. It took her only a moment to see thecandles light reflect off his badge, telling her that he was in uniform and on duty.

Xand? she asked, her voice hesitant.

Buffy...come on, ya gotta come with me! he answered in a rush, grabbing her hand and starting to pull her out thedoor.

Buffy pulled loose, her heart now pounding in her chest. Whats going on?

I-I...I cant explain now, but we have to go. Now! Xander demanded, yanking her out the door and neglecting to noticethat she wasnt even wearing shoes.

Shocked by his strange actions, Buffy could do nothing but stumble along behind him, wincing as the rough pavement of the walkway dug into her bare f eet. Within seconds, they were at his squad car, though she really couldnt tell because of


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the overwhelming darkness. Xander said nothing as he opened the passenger door and shoved her inside.

Dread filled Buffy as Xander jumped into the car and took off down the road. She wanted to speak; to ask him why hedcome and dragged her out of her house, but she couldnt seem to make her self talk. Before she could force the wordsfrom her mouth, they turned a nearby corner and any thoughts she had died.

A block ahead, she could see it; see their destination without being told that was where they were headed. Flashing lightsswirled all over the place; fire engines, ambulances, and police cars littering the road. Large spotlights lit up the area,illuminating the scene.

That was when she saw it; saw the telephone poll that was snapped half way up and now hanging precariously by thewires it served to hold up. Below that, Buffy could see a flash of battered blue metal.

NO! she howled, never realizing the anguished cry had come from her own lips as she jumped out of the car before ithad even come to a stop.

Buffy! Xander yelled after her, but it was no use. She was already running full bore into a scene he knew she wasntprepared to see.

Buffy sprinted as fast as she could, despite her bare feet, toward the group of vehicles and rushing people. Nausea rolledthrough her stomach as she pushed her way through the gathered onlookers and emergency workers. Once past the finalline of people, she could see it. There in front of her was an old blue van; twisted and broken against the wood of thetelephone poll. She stumbled to a halt, unable to move any further. Her eyes furiously searched for something, anything.A few feet to the left of the crushed van she noticed a group of paramedics huddled on the g round around something.She took a few steps toward them, then stopped as her heart shattered into a million pieces. There, at one end of themass of people, she saw Adidas sneakers, the same sneakers she had given him for his birthday only four months earlier.

No! Oz! she screamed, her knees buckling.

Xander caught her before she could hit the ground. He held her trembling, sobbing body as they watched the paramedicsscurry around the body of her brother. When he saw that they had loaded him onto a stretcher, Xander grabbed Buffyand quickly walked her toward the wait ing ambulance.

Sir, youll have to back away from the vehicle, a paramedic said once theyd reached the back doors of the truck.

Shes his sister, Xander replied in an authoritative voice. He looked the man in the eye, hoping he would understand theimportance of letting Buffy through.

The man glanced at Buffy, then at the stretcher approaching the ambulance. He quickly understood what Officer Harriswas trying to tell him. Okay, she can ride in the back, but she needs to stay out of their way.

Xander nodded, pulling Buffy out of the way as the stretcher with Oz was loaded into the back of the rig. The entire time,Buffy said nothing; her eyes completely focused on the bloody face of her brother. Her daze was broken when Xandergave her a push up into the ambulance.

She never heard the door slam shut, or the paramedic telling her where to sit. Her mind was only registering the fact thather much-loved brother was lying motionless on a stretcher right in front of her. A large gash on his forehead hadcovered his face with blood, and his left arm was jutting out at an unnatural angle. She winced when one of theparamedics jabbed a needle into his right arm in order to start an IV.

So lost in what had happened, Buffy almost didnt see his eyes flutter open. But she did see it, and when she gazed intohis pain filled eyes the tears that she been holding back finally burst forth.

Oz? she whispered brokenly.

Buffy? The word was barely audible, but she heard it.

Crouching down next to the stretcher, she lightly grabbed his right hand. Im here, Oz. Hang on, youre gonna be fine.

Buff...love....you, he managed to utter hoarsely before his eyes drifted closed again.

Oz! Buffy pleaded, wanting him to look at her again.

Miss, you need to move out of the way! one of the paramedics ordered.

Blindly, she stumbled backwards onto one of the benches and watched through tear-filled eyes as the paramedics workedto stabilize her brother while speaking rushed words into the portable radios clasped to their shirts. Her mind drifted backto earlier that night; watching Oz rush around getting ready for his gig, teasing him about being late, and the quick hughe gave her before he left. It was impossible for her to reconcile the image of her happy-go-lucky brother with thebleeding body before her.

The ride to the hospital passed in a flash. She hadnt even realized they were there until someone was shaking her to gether attention. All she could do was watch as they wheeled him out of the ambulance, down the hallway, and then intoone of the trauma bays inside the emergency room.


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~`~`~ Part 2 ~`~`~

Over two hours had passed since Buffy was left standing just inside the emergency room as they had taken her brotheraway behind the curtains. Shed stood there for who knows how long, unable to move, before a nurse had come and ledher to a waiting room for family members. She hadnt wanted to go. Shed wanted to stay close to her brother, but theydmade her.

Now, Buffy sat on one of the uncomfortable chairs, knees pressed to her chest as she rocked back and forth, praying towhatever higher powers there were that Oz would be okay. She knew there were others in the room with her; people whoalso knew her brother, and strangers waiting for news just as she was. More than once someone had tried to talk to her.What theyd said, she had no clue. Her mind was lost in memories.

She remembered the day Oz had come to live with her and her parents. He was only her half-brother; the product of arelationship her father had had his freshmen year of college. Until he was nine, hed lived with his Mother, but when shegot married, her new husband didnt want kids. So shed shipped him off to live with his father, despite the fact that HankSummers had shown little interest in his son. But then that was typical of her father. Work always came first for him. If her mother hadnt insisted Oz come to stay with them, who knew what would have happened to him.

Theyd bonded instantly, her and Oz. He was the big brother shed always wanted. He played with her even though hewas four years older, and looked out for her. Then, later, when the relationship between her parents disintegrated, hecomforted her. Buffy couldnt count the number of times hed sat in her room with her while their f ather and her motherscreamed at each other downstairs.

When Joyce and Hank divorced, it came as little surprise that her Mother took custody of Oz. The three of them movedfrom Los Angeles to Sunnydale when Buffy was just twelve. It was rough the initial few months, but then, for the firsttime in years, theyd been happy.

She should have known it wouldnt last. Two short years later, Joyce collapsed while at work from a previouslyundetected brain aneurysm. She passed away before either of her children could make it to the hospital.

The emotional drama had been trying enough, leaving a gaping whole in their lives, but what came after proved to bealmost as tough. If Oz and Buffy hadnt already known their father was an uncaring bastard, the fact that he couldnteven be bothered to come for the funeral or help his two children figure out what to do next would have been more thanenough proof. He was too busy trotting around Europe with his secretary to bother with them.

With no other relatives stepping forward, eighteen year old Oz had been begrudgingly granted full guardianship of hisfourteen year old half-sister. He dropped out of college and took a full time job so he would be able to support them andavoid further uprooting Buffys life by making them move out of their family home. It hadnt been easy. Money was short,and emotions were spent, but they pulled through, relying on each other to keep them going.

Oz was her rock; the one person she could always turn to. He held her when she cried after her first boyfriend hadbroken up with her. He listened patiently whenever she ranted about an unfair teacher. He was everything she couldwant in a brother and a friend. And now...

No, she told herself. Oz was going to be fine. In a few days theyd be laughing about all this and getting back to theirnormal routine. At least thats what she tried to convince herself as she silently sobbed in the hospital waiting room.

~`~`~

She doesnt look so good, Xander mumbled half to himself and half to the man sitting next to him.

Can you blame her? twenty-two year old Angel ONeil responded, not taking his eyes off the shaking blonde on theother side of the room.

No, Xander sighed dejectedly.

The two friends fell silent, words unable to placate their turbulent emotions. Angel was immensely worried about Oz, oneof his oldest friends, but his worry for Buffy was just as great. She looked as if shed shatter if anyone as much asbreathed on her. He wanted to go over and offer some sort of comfort, but shed shunned any form of contact. Not thatshed want him anywhere near her anyway.

Before Angel could contemplate what to do about Buffy, his Uncle, Dr. Giles, slowly pushed open the waiting room door.All of the occupants in the room leapt to their feet, including Buffy, though her movements were a bit more unsteady and

jerky.

One look in Giles troubled eyes and she knew. No!

Im sorry, Buffy, Giles said softly, hating himself.

For the second time in her young life, he was having to tell the poor girl that shed lost a member of her family. When ithad been her Mother, shed at least had her brother to lean on. Now, Oz was for all intents and purposes gone too. Howshe would deal with this he didnt know.

No...he c-cant be..., she cried out, a dam of tears bursting forth.

The impact of the crash caused an Acute Subdural Hematoma; a form of bleeding in the space between the brain and


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the skull, Giles started to explain, the words tasting like chalk in his mouth. His was particularly severe, and the buildup of fluid put an immense amount of pressure on the brain which, in turn, has caused irreparable brain damage. Oz is,for lack of a better term, brain dead.

Hes still alive? she whispered, a tiny spark of hope trying to makes its way to the surface.

Technically, yes. His body is being kept alive by machines, but theres no hope that hell ever wake up, Giles stateddefinitively. As much as he hated being so blunt, he knew it was best that she understood the situation completely.

I...I want t-to see him she demanded, already taking a few steps to the door.

Buff, Xander interrupted, placing a hand on her shoulder. Maybe you shouldnt.

I have to see him, Xander! Please! I have to see him! she begged, her breath hitched with sobs.

~`~`~

Buffy wasnt prepared for the sight of her brother lying on a stark white hospital bed with tubes and wires trailing all overhis body. Shed wanted to see him, but she hadnt really thought about what he would look like. It hardly seemed like Ozon the bed. The shell in front of her looked more like something out of a movie than her brother.

Oz, she choked out, reaching out to pick up one of his still hands.

All sorts of things were running through her head. She wanted to beg him to stay; to not leave her, but Buffy knew theywould be useless if voiced. And she didnt want them to be her last words to her brother. So instead, she said the onlyother things she could think of.

Thank you for being the best brother in the world. I dont know how I would have survived without you. She bent overand kissed him on the cheek, remaining in that position as heavy sobs shook her entire body. I love you.

From the doorway, Giles, Xander, and Angel watched the heart-rending scene with their own tears unashamedly falling.All three knew the young man who wouldnt be in this world much longer, but they understood that their loss paled incomparison to his much-loved sister. And each had their own worries about how she would go on after.

Slowly, Buffy pulled away from the bed. She took a moment to gaze at her brothers face, et ching the image in her mindand saying a silent goodbye. With much reluctance, she finally turned to face Giles. He wouldnt want to stay like this, she spoke meekly, her face drenched in moisture.

I understand, Giles answered with a small nod of his head. He stepped into the room and over to the bed. I...I musttell you, Buffy, that after...after...well, Oz had r egistered himself for the organ donation p rogram in case anything shouldever happen. So well have to move quickly.

Buffy nodded numbly, eyes transfixed on her brother. She wanted to tell them that they couldnt cut him open and stealparts of him, but she knew it was Ozs wish. They had talked about it once, a year after her Mother died. If anything, shewould be able to take comfort in the fact that some part of him would live on, and that someone else would be able tolive because of one of his organs.

Buff? Maybe we should wait outside while..., Xander requested softly. He didnt know how good it would be to watchGiles terminate life support.

No. She shook her head emphatically, grasping one of Ozs hands tighter. I dont want him to be alone.

Buffy? Were ready, Giles told her solemnly, waiting for her to give the final go ahead.

The words startled her, causing her to flinch. She lifted her eyes to meet Giles. Her mouth opened to tell him no, that hecouldnt do it. The pounding thud in her heart screamed to order them away from her brother. It was her head, though,that knew it was the right thing to do.

Okay, she whispered, eyes falling back to Ozs still form.

Giles gave a quick nod to the nurse in the room and watched with a heavy heart as she began to shut off the respiratorthat was supplying oxygen to the young man. After disconnecting a few tubes and wires, the nurse quickly left the room,feeling as if it were a private moment.

A minute later, the steady bleep of the heart monitor began to slow, but Buffy never took her eyes off her brother. Shereached up with her free hand to touch his cheek. I love you, she repeated.

All too soon, the beeps of the monitor slowed further.

Beep...

Beep......

Beep.............

Beep...............................


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was crumbling. Again. He was seriously concerned for her welfare after this latest blow. How much could one person takebefore they broke? He would do anything possible, though, to keep that from happening. Buffy had always been like asister to him, and Oz was his best friend. It was his job now to keep her safe.

Hes not alone, Buffy, he said comfortingly, pulling her into a hug. His soul is up in Heaven with your Mom.

Buffy choked back a sob, squeezing Xander t ighter. Do you really think so?

I know so, Xander reaffirmed.

I miss him, she spoke in a whimper.

I do, too, he whispered. But hell always be watching over you. Thats what big brothers do.

She didnt respond, too lost in her grief to say anything more. Xander simply held her in his arms, doing the only thing hecould do at the moment. It wasnt much, but he hoped she would realize that she wasnt alone.

A few raindrops hit Xanders skin. He looked up at the sky, seeing the dark clouds looming. We should go before it startspouring.

~`~`~

Like a robot, Buffy moved throughout the house, accepting condolences from close friends, casual acquaintances, andperfect strangers. She didnt want to hear their kind words. What she wanted was to have her brother back, for Oz tocome rushing down the stairs because he was late for practice again. But he would never go to practice again. Hed neverdo anything anymore. He was dead.

The word dead echoed inside her mind. Her steps faltered. She would have fallen if the kitchen counter hadnt beennearby for her to grab on to. For several minutes she remained in that position, gripping the counter so hard her knucklesturned white. She could hear the voices of people speaking in the next room, but they sounded so far away. But not farenough. She wanted them all to go away, to leave her alone.

Buff? Xanders voice broke through her thoughts.

Taking a deep breath, Buffy willed a small smile onto her face and turned to look at her friend. The moment she saw hiseyes, her steely faade almost crumbled, but she held on. He couldnt see her cry. They couldnt see her cry. Just a littlebit longer and they would all be gone.

Yeah? she asked dully.

Ive, uh, gotta go to work. Are you going to be okay? I can call in sick if you need me to, he offered, taking a steptoward her. He would have been lying if he said the dead look in her eyes didnt bother him.

Im fine, she assured him, though the excessive cheer in her voice was more than enough to belie her words.

Xander knew she wasnt telling the truth. There was no way that she could be fine. There was no way any of them couldbe fine. He couldnt force her to grieve, though. Only time would dull t he pain and help mend her shattered world. St ill,he wished that he didnt have to work. He worried about her being in the house all alone once all the others had left.

Okay, but if you need me, dont hesitate to call, he ordered, hugging her once more before leaving through the backdoor.

Buffy released a relieved breath as soon as the screen door snapped close. One less person to deal with. Now if only theothers would leave. Though what she was supposed to do after she d idnt know.

~`~`~

Hey, Xander, Angel greeted solemnly from his seat at one of the tables in the break room at the police station.

Angel, Xander said, startled to see his friend there. I didnt think you were working tonight.

I wasnt. Matthews called in sick, explained Angel, rising from the chair and going over to his locker.

I didnt see you at Buffys. As he spoke, Xander glanced at Angel out of the corner of his eye. He immediately noticedthe stiffening of Angels body at the mention of Buffy.

I went to the funeral, but I didnt think Id be wanted at the house, Angel relayed sadly.

Xander sighed loudly, running a hand over his face. As much as he hated to admit it, Angel was probab ly right. Hispresence would likely not have been taken well. Buffy and Angel couldnt even be within viewing distance without gutwrenching angst ensuing. It had been that way for almost three years, and even though he knew the whole story, it stillhurt him to see his friends act like that.

How is she? Angel asked when Xander remained quiet.

Not good, answered Xander, shaking his head.


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I wish..., Angel started, but then quickly halted his thoughts. It didnt matter what he wished. Buffy would probablynever speak to him again let alone allow him be there for her.

I thought sometime next week Id take her to get some flowers to plant at the...the...grave, Xander choked out the lastword, still having a hard time himself accepting that his best friend of seven years was dead.

That sounds good, mumbled Angel. I better get going.

Yeah, Xander agreed, grabbing his stuff from his locker. We dont want the Chief on our asses again.

~`~`~

Just outside the front door to the house, Buffy hugged her Aunt Phyllis, forcing her body to respond to the unwantedgesture. Shed met her aunt maybe two or three times in the duration of her life so it was more than a little awkward tohave the woman hugging her like they were extremely close. At least this time she wasnt pinching her cheeks andcommenting on how cute she was like the woman had done when Buffy had last seen her when she was twelve.

Were flying back home tomorrow, dear, but I want you to call us if you need anything, the middle-aged womancommanded gently.

I will, Buffy answered automatically, knowing she had no intention of doing any such thing.

The two women said their goodbyes and Buffy watched as her aunt climbed into the waiting taxi. As soon as it was out of sight, the forced smile fell from her face. A few tears gathered in her eyes, but Buffy refused to let t hem fall. Wrappingher arms around her chest, she turned and walked back into the house. She only had one more person to get rid of andthen she would finally be alone.

Inside the kitchen, she could hear the clattering of dishes as Willow cleaned up. Willow Rosenberg had been her bestfriend since the move from LA despite the fact that she was a year older than Buffy. They hadnt spoken much during thepast two years since Willow left Sunnydale to go to college at Berkeley. Buffy didnt know whether it was the distancethat had put a rift in their friendship, or the fact that Willow and Oz had ended their two year relationship just before sheleft.

Pausing in the doorway, Buffy studied the mechanical movements of her friend. She knew Willow had to be just as hurtas she was over losing Oz. Her brother and Willow had had such a strong relationship. To this day, she still didnt knowwhat had caused their falling out. Even though they hadnt been together anymore, Buffy knew they still cared a greatdeal about each other.

You dont have to do that, Buffy told the redhead. A frown formed on her face as she noticed Willows entire bodystiffen at the sound of her voice.

Fine, muttered Willow, turning slowly to face Buffy.

The look in Willows eyes made Buffy flinch. There was a coldness in them that she didnt understand. Um, thank you forcoming down. I appreciate yo-.

I shouldnt have had to come! she snapped, cutting Buffy off.

What? Buffy gasped, shocked by the barely restrained anger radiating from her friend.

Willow took several steps toward Buffy, stopping two feet away from her. Oz shouldnt be dead! she shouted.

N-no, he s-shouldnt be de-...dead, Buffy stuttered, a tear falling down her cheek as the word dead passed her lips.

Its all your fault! accused Willow, glaring menacingly at Buffy.

M-my fault? Buffy repeated, her lower lip trembling. It...it was an a-accident.

Thats not what Im talking about, Willow spat, her eyes narrowing. He should have been with me.

I-I dont know what youre t-talking about, denied Buffy, taking a step back.

Oh, let me guess. He never told you. Have to protect poor, little Buffy, she mocked coldly. I asked him to move withme up to Berkeley, and he wanted to! But he said he couldnt leave you here alone. So I told him he could come up afteryou graduated high school, but he still said no. He had to stay here with you when he could have been with me!

I didnt know, Buffy whispered brokenly, tears now freely falling.

Ignoring the statement, Willow continued. And he would have never gotten into an accident and been killed if he hadgone with me! Its all your fault that hes dead because he had to stay and play guardian angel!

Buffy reared back from the force of the accusation, almost as if shed been physically slapped. Her thoughts swirledtogether in her head, the phrase your fault overtaking all else. It...it was an accident, she repeated meekly, unable tothink of anything else to say.


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You just keep telling yourself that, Willow snorted. She spared one last glance at Buffy before storming out of thehouse.

Buffy never heard the slamming of the door that followed. Her feet felt like lead, mired in a wasteland of pain, grief, andnow guilt. Willows brutal words echoed repeatedly in her head.

Her fault.

Oz was dead.

It was her fault.

Numbly, she stumbled out of the kitchen. The rooms of the house spun uncontrollably before her eyes. She slammed intothe hallway wall, hardly feeling the b low. Her hand grasped at the railing running along the stairs, using it for balance.

Somehow she ended up in the living room, standing frozen in the center. The p ictures, smiling laughing portraits of t imespast, all seemed to stare at her, mocking her with their happiness. On the wall opposite her, two clay plaques rested,handprints made when each of them were five. A stack of sheet music sat on the coffee table, never again to be touched.

Buffy turned wildly, trying to escape the harsh reminders of all shed lost, but instead of escaping, she was faced withmore. Argyle, the golden retriever Oz had had since he was fourteen, sat mutely in Ozs favorite chair; a chair he hadhardly left in the week since his masters death, a chair that Oz would never sit in again while they watched cheesyeighties movies together on a Saturday night.

Falling to her knees, Buffy screamed. The sound came out primal and barren, reverberating loudly throughout the almostempty house. A house that had once been home to her family: herself, her mother, and her brother. Now they weregone. First her mother, then Oz. It was too much for Buffy to bear.

~`~`~

Angel? came Xanders frantic, staticky voice over the radio in Angels patrol car.

Grabbing the small receiver, Angel replied, Yeah, Angel here.

I just got a call from one of Buffys neighbors. She said somethings wrong at the house. She heard a scream and then alot of crashing and banging, Xander relayed in a panic.

Fuck! Angel cursed, slamming on the brakes of his car.

Im all the way on the other side of town. Where are you? asked Xander in a rush.

Only a few blocks from her house, Angel answered distractedly, his thoughts on Buffy.

Okay. Im on my way. Ill meet you there, Xander said quickly.

Angel never answered. He threw the receiver onto the passenger seat of the car, all the while hating himself for not beingthere. She shouldnt have been alone at a time like this. His chastising would have to wait, though. He needed to get toBuffy. Flipping on the siren and lights of his patrol car, Angel pulled a u-turn, his tires squealing loudly in the quiet night.

~`~`~

A mere two minutes later, Angel had arrived at Buffys house. He didnt even bother to knock, just threw open the frontdoor and rushed inside. What he had expected once he got there, Angel didnt know, but it certainly wasnt what hefound.

The entire living room was trashed. There didnt appear to be an inch of it left untouched. The coffee table was upsidedown, its contents strewn across the floor. A large crack etched the g lass of the TV screen, likely caused by the metalsculpture lying in front of it. The flowery curtains Joyce Summers had put up years ago hung lopsided and torn along thewindows. And that was only what Angel saw at first glance.

He didnt have time to examine the room further because within seconds, his eyes found Buffy where she lay motionlessin the middle of the floor with Argyle at her side, his head resting on her chest. When the dog stood, Angel saw the blood,red splatters dotting her shirt and the floor surrounding her.

Buffy! he shouted, yanking out his cellphone as he rushed to her side and praying to anyone listening that she was allright.

~`~`~

~`~`~ Part 4 ~`~`~

Xander nearly ran Angel over as he rushed down the halls of Sunnydale Hospital. In the back of his mind, it occurred tohim that hed been to this damn place more times than hed prefer, but it was only a passing thought. His main concernat the moment was Buffy.


10/37

Angel! he shouted louder than he should have, grabbing his friends arm. Whats going on? I heard the call on theradio for an ambulance so I came here instead.

Angel stared blankly at Xander, the words penetrating his brain in a slow trickle. It wasnt until Xander shook him that heresponded. Buffy...she...she tore up the house. S-she was on the f loor, unconscious...and there...there was blood.

Did she..., Xander trailed off, unable to voice the mere thought that Buffy may have harmed herself.

I dont know, Angel mumbled. And he didnt know. The moment hed seen the blood and her unmoving body, hedcalled for an ambulance. Though he had wanted to, he hadnt touched her while he wait ed for help, too afraid of causingmore harm to her.

Damnit! Xander cursed, his fist slamming into the nearest wall. He grimaced, shaking his hand as pain lanced up hisarm. I knew I should have stayed with her!

She shouldnt have been alone, echoed Angel, though his own thoughts were on his own carelessness. Every day sinceOzs death he had wanted to go see her, talk to her, but he had stayed away. He had let their tumultuous past get in theway of being there for her, and now she was worse. If he had gone to her, Angel knew he could have stopped this fromhappening.

Have you heard anything yet? Xander asked, peering down the hall in hopes of seeing a doctor coming toward them.

No. Angel shook his head. Giles is with her. Theyve only been back there about fifteen minutes.

A nurse came over and told them they would be more comfortable in the waiting room, but both declined the offer.Neither wanted to be too far away, feeling as if t heyd already let Buffy down enough by not being there for her. Soinstead, they stood stoically in the hallway, waiting impatiently for news.

The image of Buffy lying unconscious on the living room floor would not leave Angels mind. It was etched there like apermanent stain. He wanted to deny that Buffy could have done something to hurt herself, but he knew it was a realpossibility. Grief made people do things they normally wouldnt, and Buffy had had plenty of grief in her short lif e. Andsome of it was caused by him. For an instant, Angel wondered if things would have been different if the relationshipbetween him and Buffy were better. She would have been able to cry on his shoulder, and turn to him for comfort, then,instead of retreating into herself. Unfortunately, he couldnt change the past, or change what he did. Though it didnt stophim wishing.

Xander glanced at Angel out of the corner of his eye. He could tell that the other man was deep in thought. About what,he could only guess. If he had to put money on it, hed wager that Angel was beating himself up over things he couldntchange. He had a tendency to do things like that. Not that Xander could blame him. It was hard not to second guess youractions when one of your friends was lying in a hospital bed.

Before either man could mire themselves down more with recriminations, Giles wearily walked down the hallway towardthem. The older doctor wiped at the sweat beaded on his forehead, forcing himself to hold back a yawn. He was utterlyexhausted. His shift had ended nearly two hours earlier, but first hed been held up by a problem with a patient, andthen, just as he was about to head home to his wife Jenny, Buffy had been rushed through the doors of the emergencyroom. There was no way he would leave her care to anybody else.

Angel, Xander, he said, coming to halt in front of his nephew Angel.

How is she? Angel asked hurriedly.

Shes going to be fine, physically speaking, Giles answered, a small smile on his face. Emotionally, though, she has alot to work through.

Angel sighed in relief, slouching back against the wall. He knew Giles was right, that there was still a lot of recoveryahead for Buffy, but he was just glad that she would be all right. Did she...what happened? he hesitantly questioned.

She didnt harm herself on purpose, if thats what youre asking, Giles replied, his own relief at the knowledge hiddenbehind a mask of professionalism.

But, the blood? Angel pointed out, confused.

Mostly surface wounds, clarified Giles. She didnt cut her wrists; at least it doesnt appear that way. Angel? You saidthe house seems to have been ransacked? At Angels nod, Giles sighed. I believe, then, that the injuries were causedfrom that. Most of the cuts were on her knuckles, and a few others down her arms. None of them were serious.

I dont understand, Xander cut in. Why was she unconscious then?

Buffy, in a manner of speaking, has had a complete breakdown. I still have some tests to run, but I dont think she hasbeen eating or sleeping lately, and add to that the stress of Ozs death and it was too much for her body and mind tohandle, he explained, removing his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose.

As much as hed like to deny it, Giles was not surprised at the nights turn of events. He had been afraid something likethis would happen. The mind and body were only able to handle so much, and Buffys apparently had been overburdened.When he had seen her come into the emergency room, he had already known what he was facing. Unfortunately, hedidnt think anything could have been done to prevent it.


11/37

So what now? Angel asked, torn between relief and his continuing worry.

Well, first off, I have some tests to finish conducting, then, once she is awake and alert, perhaps sometime tomorrow, Iwill have her see one of the staff psychiatrists, Giles relayed, already going through in his mind who would be bestserved to help Buffy. She will have to be here at least a few days while we rehydrate her and get some nourishment intoher body. Once the psychiatrist evaluates her we will have a better idea of what comes next, though I assume he willsuggest she stay here longer for treatment.

Okay, Angel agreed sadly. He hated the idea of Buffy being stuck in the hospital, and he knew how much she hatedthem, but he also knew that it was probably the best p lace for her. If she was released too soon she would likely only beback again.

Shes sedated at the moment, Giles went on. It should help her get some rest, but she should be awake in themorning. You can both come back then.

No, both Angel and Xander said at once.

Giles shook his head, having expected the denial. Very well, but there really is nothing more you can do tonight.

Were staying, Angel stated firmly. At least I am.

Me too, announced Xander.

Can I see her? Angel asked, taking a step in the direction Giles had previously come from.

Shes sleeping now, Giles reiterated sternly.

I promise I wont disturb her, assured Angel. I just need to see her.

Fine, Giles relented. Shes been moved up to room 405. Ill allow you to see her as long as you do not disrupt herrest.

~`~`~

A short few minutes later, Angel was perched at Buffys bedside, lightly holding her chilled right hand in his. His eyestraced over her body, searching for any sign that Giles diagnosis was wrong. He found nothing. Other than the bandagedscratches on her arms and knuckles, and the dark circles under her eyes, she appeared to be fine. Carefully, he brusheda few hairs off her f ace as he remembered the first time hed met her as a bubbly, blonde-haired teenager.

Angel had first met Oz during the latters first day of school at Sunnydale High. They were both juniors and shared thesame homeroom. They had sat next to each other through the alphabetized seating arrangement. When Oz looked lost ashe tried to find his next class, Angel took it upon himself to show him around. They quickly struck up a friendship, findingcommon ground in their laid back demeanors. Several weeks later, Oz had invited him to his house before they went outone night. That was when he first saw her.

The two had been up in Ozs room, looking through his CD collection when suddenly the door had burst open and agiggling, twelve year old Buffy had come skipping in. The moment she had realized someone else was in the room, shedsmiled shyly before introducing herself. Angel had smiled back at her, shaking the hand shed held out to him. From thenon, he became a regular at t he Summers house, and Buffy became like a litt le sister to him. It wasnt until a few yearslater that things began to change.

Angel, you really should try to get some sleep, Giles tired voice interrupted.

Im fine, he mumbled, eyes still on Buffy.

If you say so. I am headed home, but Ill be back in the morning, said Giles. When Angel didnt answer, he sighed andwalked out the room.

Raising Buffys arm, Angel gently kissed the back of her hand. Im so sorry, Buffy. For everything. I know you might notbelieve it, but I never meant to hurt you, and if I could, I would bring back your Mom and Oz, he whispered quietly,tears beginning to fall down his cheeks.

From the doorway, Xander silently watched the exchange. He smiled sadly at Angels words. He knew it was futile, but hehoped that the two of them would be able to work things out. Buffy needed Angel, and Xander knew that Angel wasmiserable without her.

~`~`~

Sometime around nine the next morning, Xander slowly made his way up the stairs to his apartment building. He wasutterly exhausted, having not slept at all the previous night. Sure, there hadnt been much to do at the hospital exceptwatch Buffy sleep and Angel stay g lued to her side, but every time Xander clo sed his eyes, images of the way things usedto be came into his mind.

He remembered the last Christmas party before Mrs. Summers had died. Everyone had been there: Buffy, Oz, Willow,Angel, himself, and Mrs. Summers. Theyd laughed and had fun, exchanging gifts and just enjoying themselves. Oz had


12/37

surprised Buffy by giving her two t ickets to the next ice show in Los Angeles. The smile shed given him was blinding. Itwas probably one of the happiest moments hed ever seen Buffy in. Ever since then, the world seemed to be spiraling outof control as his friends lives slowly fell to pieces. First Mrs. Summers died, followed by the prob lems between Buffy andAngel, then Willow and Ozs breakup, and recently Ozs death. Now Buffy was in the hospital after having suffered acomplete break down. It just seemed to be a never-ending cycle of pain and heartache.

Shaking his head, Xander realized hed been standing outside his building for almost fifteen minutes. He needed to gotake a quick shower and change clothes so he could get back to the hospital in time to meet with Angel, Giles, and Buffyspsychiatrist. If he had time, he also wanted to stop and pick up some coffee and bagels to take with him. Angel likelywouldnt eat unless someone shoved food under his nose, which Xander supposed was going to be his job.

Busy digging around in his pocket for his keys, Xander almost tripped over Willow, who was sitting to the left of his door.He quickly shuffled his feet, managing to avoid falling flat on his face.

Jeez, Willow. Warn a guy next time you decide to hide on the floor! he exclaimed, smiling wryly at her.

Sorry, I thought you saw me, she apologized as she stood up from the ground.

Thats okay. Im in kind of a hurry, though. I just stopped by to change before I go back to the hospital, Xanderexplained, jabbing his key into the uncooperative lock on his door.

Huh? The hospital? Willow repeated in confusion.

Xanders hand stilled in mid-turn of the key. He glanced at Willow, sighing tiredly. Oh, I guess you dont know.

Know what?

Buffy...shes in the hospital. She...she had breakdown of some sort last night, he told her.

Even though Xander was only looking at her out of the corner of his eye, he immediately saw Willows eyes widen. Butthen she did the most curious thing. She turned her head away, shielding her face from him. His suspicion rose instantly.Hed known Willow for a long time, and he knew her body language. Releasing the key from his grip, he turned to faceWillow completely, arms crossed over his chest.

Willow? he spoke evenly.

What? she mumbled, refusing to look at him.

Xander shifted to his left until he was staring directly at her. The guilty look on her face told him all he needed to know. What did you do?

The redhead cast her eyes down, shoulders slouching. I...I...we got in a fight.

A fight? he repeated, not quite believing her. He just couldnt imagine Buffy quarreling in the state she was in.

No...well...sorta...I kind of said some things to her, she replied, her voice innocent.

Grabbing her by the shoulders, Xander glared intensely at her. What did you say?

I didnt mean it! Willow squeaked, her voice defensive.

What.Did.You.Say?! he asked again, shaking her slightly.

I...I told her that...that it was her fault Oz died. I-I said he should have been with me, not here getting into anaccident, she finally told him.

Jesus Christ, Willow! Xander spat angrily, hastily releasing his grip on her shoulders and stepping away. How could yousay that to your best friend?

I was upset. I didnt mean it, she whispered, tears gathering in her eyes.

Oh, Im sure that will make her feel better. Ill be sure to tell her that when shes no longer sedated and suicidal! heshouted, staring at his friend in disgust.

Xander, please-.

God, I thought I knew you. He shook his head sadly. But the Willow I knew would have never accused her best friendof causing her brothers death.

Having said that, Xander turned back to his door, opening it with a jerk and then promptly slammed it behind him,leaving a now crying Willow in his wake. He leaned heavily against the now closed door, wondering how the hell thingsgot so screwed up. Angel was going to flip when he found out this latest information, and he would find out. Thepsychiatrist should probably know what had helped push Buffy over the edge. Xander had no doubt that Willows wordshad been the final nail in Buffys proverbial coffin. Shed already been so unstable. One small push and she fell. He onlyhoped that, together, they could pull her back.


13/37

~`~`~

~`~`~ Part 5 ~`~`~

Giles, Angel, and another man that Xander didnt recognize were standing in one of the waiting rooms when Xanderfinally returned to the hospital. His trip home had taken longer than p lanned, but after the conversation with Willow, hedneeded some time to himself. He knew that Willow was acting out of her own grief, but her actions were still completelyuncalled for. How she could blame Buffy for Ozs death was beyond Xanders comprehension. Now he had the unfortunatetask of informing Angel of what hed learned.

Hey, I brought food, Xander said as he walked toward the group holding a bag a bagels and three coffees. He didntknow who the third man was, but he assumed that he must be a doctor considering he was wearing a white coat.

Thank you, Xander. Anything has got to be better than the swill they serve here, Giles replied, taking a cup from theholder. He wasnt normally a coffee drinker, but he supposed the caffeine would do him good today.

Giles frowned when Angel completely ignored the offered food and drink. Angel, you really should have something toeat.

Im not hungry, Angel mumbled. Though hed never admit it, he was thoroughly exhausted, but there was no way hecould go to sleep anytime soon.

Grabbing a coffee and a bagel, Giles shoved them into Angels hands. You WILL eat, or I will not allow you to stay here!

Fine! snapped Angel, hastily taking a bite of the bagel while glaring at his uncle.

Xander almost laughed at the ever independent Angel caving in to Giles order. He held back his mirth, knowing it wasinappropriate considering the situation. Secretly, he was glad Giles had forced the issue. Angel looked haggard, the lackof sleep and food starting to catch up to him. He knew it was unlikely that Angel would leave the hospital anytime soon,but at least they could get him to eat.

The room lapsed into relative silence while Angel and Xander ate, and Giles and the unknown man chatted in whisperedtones. Xander waited until Angel had finished before deciding to bring up his conversation with Willow. He didnt want todo it while Angel had throwable objects in his hands.

I saw Willow this morning, he finally uttered.

Angel eyed Xander, sensing something ominous in the tone of his friends voice. He was about to speak when Gileslooked up from the paperwork hed been reading through. Removing his glasses, Giles closed the file and started to turntoward the door.

Well, we will leave you two. As soon as we have an update on Buffy well let you know, he relayed, glancing at hiswatch to check the time.

No, Giles, you should hear this. Its about...Buffy, Xander explained, his eyes drifting to the third man, wondering if heshould ask the man to leave.

Giles saw the look and stepped forward. Oh, pardon my rudeness. This is Lorne DuPont. He will be serving as Buffyspsychiatrist.

Nodding, Xander shook hands with Lorne. Good, you should hear this, too.

Whats going on, Xander? Angel butted in.

Willow...she...she told me... Xander sighed, hating what he was about to say. I think I know what pushed Buffy overthe edge last night.

Really? Lorne said pensively, stepping forward. It would definitely be helpful to know what made that little cupcakecrumble.

Angel scowled at Lorne, but d idnt say anything. Hed met the psychiatrist half an hour earlier and hed already realizedthe man was rather unconventional. Besides, all that mattered now was finding out what Xander knew.

Xander? Angel prodded for a second time.

Taking a deep breath, Xander glanced warily at Angel for a moment before delving into the conversation hed had earlierthat morning. Willow...she got into an argument with Buffy. Well, I dont actually think it was an argument. She sort of said some stuff to Buffy. Not nice stuff.

What did she say? pressed Lorne anxiously. Although he didnt know who this Willow person was, he knew that hewould be able to treat his patient much better if he had all the important information.

She accused Buffy of being the reason Oz is dead, he finally blurted out.


14/37

What?! Angel shouted, hands balling into fists at his sides.

Something about how Oz should have been with her, not here with Buffy, and that if hed moved away with her, hewould still be alive. She basically told Buffy it was her fault, Xander continued, uneasily waiting for Angel to blow.

He didnt have to wait long as a string of curses flew from his friends mouth. They all flinched when one of the chairs waskicked across the room. Eventually, Angels tirade settled into angry pacing from one end of the room to the other.

How the hell could she say something like that to Buffy? Angel snarled to no one in particular.

I know, agreed Xander sadly. I never thought Willow was capable of being so uncaring.

I take it this Willow is close to Buffy? Lorne interjected, trying to piece everything together.

You could say that, Xander answered. She and Buffy have been best friends for at least six years.

Geez, Lorne grumbled, wincing. He was perfectly aware that a grieving person could act irrationally, but he couldimagine what an accusation such as that would do to someone as emotionally fragile as Buffy.

Willow and I are going to have to have a little talk, Angel snapped, still talking to himself.

Xander put a hand on Angels arm, forcing him to stand still for a second. I agree, well have to work things out with her,but right now we have to focus on Buffy.

Begrudgingly, Angel nodded, though he would have felt better after yelling at Willow. First priority was Buffy. Willowwould be dealt with later. He finally stopped his pacing and looked to Lorne.

Can you help her? he asked hopefully.

Yes, I think so. Shes going to need some good old fashioned TLC, along with a little bit of therapy, Lorne explained,glancing at the information Giles had given him. Shes emotionally spent right now. I suspect it was only a matter of time before she broke, but this confrontation with Willow just made it happen sooner.

It wasnt her fault that Oz died, Angel felt the need to say.

Yeah, it was a car accident, and Buffy wasnt even with him! Xander added.

I have filled Lorne in on the details of Ozs death, as well as Joyces, came Giles steady voice.

Lorne thought for several seconds, a crease forming on his brow. Somewhere in her mind she knows that shes not toblame, but her current emotional state has made her susceptible to what you would think are completely unbelievablesuggestions.

I cant believe Willow would blame her, Angel mumbled, half in disgust and half in shock.

Angel, Giles started. Willow is suffering, too. You have to remember that. I am not condoning what she said, buteveryone handles grief differently.

Giles is right, Lorne agreed. Right now, Willow feels the need to blame someone. I dont know Willow, but my guess isshe doesnt really blame Buffy. Once some t ime has passed, and Buffy is doing better, they should sit down and t alkthings out.

I dont think-

Angel! a new voice sounded, interrupting Angel.

Gunn? What are you doing here? Angel questioned, looking at one of his and Xanders fellow officers.

I brought this over, Gunn replied, holding up a stack of papers. I thought you might want to see it.

Is that? Angel asked, only inferring the rest of the question.

Yeah. Gunn nodded and handed the file to Angel.

As Angel started to skim through the pages, Xander stepped closer and peered over his shoulder. What is it?

Its the final report on Ozs accident, Gunn explained when Angel didnt.

That was quick, Xander said in surprise, knowing how long these things normally took to get completed.

Gunn shrugged. Chief put a rush on it, and it was pretty straight forward.

If you dont mind me asking, what does it say? Lorne questioned, nodding to the papers in Angels hands.

Who are you? Gunn asked suspiciously.


15/37

Oh, Im sorry. Lorne DuPont. Im Buffys psychiatrist, Lorne introduced himself.

When Gunn hesitated in explaining the results of the investigation, Angel shook his head, closed the file and handed it toXander. Its okay. He should know, Angel allowed.

Nodding curtly, Gunn faced Lorne and summarized the findings. Seventy-one year old female on her way home f rombabysitting her grandkids. She stated that a dog ran in front of her car and she swerved to avoid it. Her car, a ninety-nine Honda Accord, crossed the midline into opposing traffic. The first car in the other lane managed to get out of theway. Oz was behind that car, and from what we can tell, when he swerved to avoid hitting her, he lost control of the vanand hit the telephone poll.

Lorne listened to everything intently, jotting down notes in Buffys patient file. Tox screens? he asked without lookingup.

Negative on the woman. No alcohol, no drugs, and no medical conditions that could have played a role. Oz was cleanalso. The driver of the other car had a little bit of alcohol in his system, but well under the legal limit, Gunn relayed intypical police fashion.

So no fault, Xander concluded. He paused for a second, then sighed. I dont know whats worse, having it be just anaccident, or if it would have been a drunk driver or something.

Unfortunately, the end result is the same, Lorne stated as he finished adding to his notes. Buffys brother, and yourfriend, didnt survive, and now she, as well as all of you, have to deal with that.

Yes well, Giles began to say, but he abruptly stopped when a loud crash from down the hall reached their ears. Anaggravated shout soon followed.

LET ME OUT OF HERE!

Before any of the others could react, Angel was sprinting out of the room and toward the continuing agitated yells.Xander knew it was inappropriate, but he let loose a small chuckle anyway. Sounds like the Buffsters awake.

~`~`~

Angel reached Buffys room quickly. Walking through the door, he could see a nurse crouched down on the floor cleaningup a spilt pitcher of water. He didnt know whether shed dropped it or Buffy had thrown it. Either one was possible. Asfor Buffy, she was pacing around the room, pulling open the drawers of the bedside tables. Her movements were jerky,and her hands were trembling. In that moment, as Angel watched her tense form, he made a promise to himself. Hewasnt going to run anymore, he wasnt going to leave her alone. Too long he had stayed away, and it was time for it tostop.

Buffy, what are you doing? he asked softly.

Looking for clothes, she answered distractedly, pausing in her search for only a second to glance at Angel.

Why?

Cuz I wanna go home! she snapped in a semi-shout as her search once again picked up its pace.

Angel sighed. He knew how much Buffy hated hospitals, and he couldnt blame her, but right now she needed to be here.Walking over to her, he crouched down and gently pulled her hands away from the drawers. She flinched at his touch,but he tried not to let it affect him.

You need to stay here, Angel answered, unconsciously stroking her hand with his thumb.

I wanna go home, Buffy repeated just above a whisper.

Giles says you can go home in a few days. He wants to get you better first, he explained.

Im fine, she refuted, making a halfhearted attempt to pull her hand away, realizing only then who exactly she wastalking to and who was touching her.

Looking down at Buffys arm, Angels fingers traced one of the bandages that rested on her forearm before trailing downto her hand, touching the reddened and b ruised knuckles. This doesnt look fine, he stated, staring down at the injuries.

Buffy snatched her hand away, raising it to eye level. She gaped at the various marks, bruises, and bandages thatspotted her entire right arm, then raised her left arm and saw nearly matching injuries. Her eyes closed as she shook herhead and winced. Opening them again, she looked at her arms then at Angel.

I...I dont remember..., she trailed off, frightened.

Shh, Angel comforted. Youll be fine. Theyre just some surface cuts. Giles just wants to keep an eye on you for a fewdays. He says you havent been eating or sleeping much and he wants to make sure you do.

But I wanna go home, she said for a third time.


16/37


17/37

I know, but I also know how you feel about this...issue, Angel clarified his shock.

That was a long time ago, Angel. Things are clearly quite different now. And I know you know what I mean, Wes saidpointedly.

Angel nodded, but said nothing. Hed had three years to reflect on what had happened between himself and Buffy; theright, the wrong, the good, the bad. All of it. Would he change anything if he could? Probably. Would the outcome be anydifferent? Not likely. No matter how he did it, he would have broken her heart. So regretting his actions did no good.

Wesley stood and walked around his desk. He leaned against the edge and gazed sympathetically at Angel. Im sureshell be fine, Angel. Shes been through a lot, but shes strong.

I know, agreed Angel, giving Wes a weak smile.

Xander hasnt asked for it, but Ive given him two weeks also. Shes going to need the support of both of you, and Imsure neither of you have your minds on work right now, Wesley explained, wondering when hed become such a softie.

Thanks, Ill let Xander know when I go back to the hospital, Angel replied gratefully. He knew that Xander wouldappreciate the time off.

Good. I suppose I should let you get back to the hospital in case Buffy needs you, Wes said with a friendly nod of hishead.

Angel stood, mumbling to himself, I doubt she has any need for me.

Give her time, Wesley said, offering his advice even though it wasnt asked for. And Angel, if there is anything I cando, please do not hesitate to ask.

Thanks. See ya later.

~`~`~

Angel quietly approached Buffys hospital room. He didnt want to disturb her if she was sleeping. When he peeked intothe room, though, he saw Xander sitting by her bedside, talking softly to Buffy. For an instant, he was jealous. Jealousthat Xander was so close to her, and that she wasnt pushing him away like she had done to him. Angel knew it wasirrational. There had never been anything more between Buffy and Xander than brotherly friendship. Love made you dothe whacky, though.

Hey, Angel. Youre back, Xander said just as Angel was about to walk away to give the two some time together.

Yeah, sorry to interrupt. I can come back later, Angel offered, already taking a step out of the room.

Nah! Im kinda hungry anyway. I think Ill go down to the cafeteria and see if they have anything edible, repliedXander, standing from the chair hed been sitting on. All the while, Buffy said nothing. She waited until Xander had left,promising to return later, to speak to Angel.

What are you doing here? she asked wearily, not wanting to deal with him.

I just wanted to see how you were, Angel answered, hesitantly stepping toward the bed.

Well, Im fine. So now you can leave, Buffy ordered, pointing to the door.

Angel sighed and paced around the bed. He stopped at the foot, glancing at her face. Buffy, please dont do this.

Do what? she snapped, sitting up higher in the bed. You made it quite clear to me three years ago that you didnt wantme. So, what? Now you think you can just walk back in here like I mean something to you and you mean something tome? It doesnt work that way!

Not wanting Buffy to see the hurt reflected on his face, Angel turned away, staring out the window at the setting sun. Hismouth opened, but closed quickly as he tried to gather his thoughts. I...I never...Im sorry, he settled on saying finally.

Buffy slumped down against her p illows, feeling guilty. She hadnt meant to be so cruel, but her feelings were just so rawright now. And having Angel so nearby was tugging on strings in her heart that just couldnt take it. Even so, she didntparticularly feel like apologizing. Her words had been the truth, if a little harshly spoken.

Instead, Buffy simply sat there and stared at Angels back. As much as she hated to admit it, he still made her heartpound. It had been three years since they were together, and still he was embedded so deep in her skin that she didntknow if shed ever get him out. It hadnt always been like that. For a while hed just been her brothers best friend. Thefeelings had come so fast and so hard that they had nearly knocked her off her feet.

I remember the first time I stopped seeing you as just my brothers friend, she mused, unfortunately out loud.

Angel turned around and eyed her curiously, somewhat surprised by the maudlin statement. What?

Blushing, Buffy averted her eyes, embarrassed to have been so caught up in her thoughts that shed spoken. She sighed,and mumbled, Nothing.


18/37

Tell me, he pleaded, hoping futilely to ease some of the tension between them.

Buffy contemplated asking him to leave yet again, but some part of her wanted to have something as normal as have aconversation, something that didnt have anything to do with her brothers death, or her mothers death, or her little t ripto the hospital. They seemed to be the only things people wanted to talk about these days. All she wanted was normalcy,to not be reminded of the swirling vortex of suck that was her life. Of course, talking to Angel about their past didntexactly qualify as pleasant. But she opted to do it anyway.

It was about a year and a half after Mom..., she started, trailing off because she still had a hard time saying the word died or anything similar. I was almost sixteen, and Id been invited to my first dance by a boy. She smiled wryly,remembering what a disaster her first date with Owen had been.

I remember that, Angel replied wistfully, allowing his own small smile to form.

Oz was going to take me dress shopping, but then he got called in to work, she continued reminiscing. I was sodisappointed because Id wanted to get a really pretty dress and there wasnt any other time Oz could take me. I thoughtI was going to have to wear one of my old dresses. Then you offered to take me instead.

Angel chuckled, remembering that trip to the mall. That was definitely an experience.

Yeah, it was, Buffy agreed, forgetting for just a moment how much things had changed between her and Angel sincethen. You spent the whole day with me at the mall, your best friends little sister, and you never complained once, noteven when you had to carry all the dresses I picked out or wait while I tried them on. That was when I really saw you forthe first time. After that, you werent just Ozs best friend. You were Angel.

His feet were moving before he could tell them not to, and soon, Angel found himself sitting on the edge of Buffys bed,gazing into her sad eyes. I was happy to do it, he said softly, reaching a hand up to touch her cheek. She didnt moveaway from the contact, but Angel quickly retracted his hand anyway.

An uncomfortable silence filled the room for a moment, neither knowing what to say or how to act. Angel wanted to climbinto the bed and hold her close. He wanted to tell her he was sorry, that hed never meant to hurt her. He wanted tosoothe away her pains, tell her that hed always be there. He wanted so many things, but they were all useless wishes,solitary pennies dropped into an overused fountain.

Though he hadnt meant to, Angel smiled as his mind drifted back to that fateful trip to the mall. Buffy didnt know it, butthat was a transitional trip for him as well.

What? she asked when she saw the smile.

You werent the only one to start to see things differently that day, he revealed.

Huh? Buffy grunted in confusion.

I dont remember what store we were in, but you came out wearing a royal blue dress. You looked stunning. I couldnthelp but stare at you and imagine what youd look like with your hair all done up and makeup on, he told her,embarrassed by his past actions. Angel shook his head, casting his eyes away from Buffy. I felt like such a lecher. Youwerent even sixteen yet, and you were Ozs little sister. But something changed for me that day, too. Every time I sawyou after that, I would think about how beautiful you were, and how much Id enjoyed spending time with you. I knew itwas wrong, and I told myself to keep thinking of you as Ozs sister...

But it didnt work, Buffy filled in.

No, Angel answered with a shake of his head.

Soon, both were lost in their thoughts, thinking of how theyd each tried to stay away from the other, and of the sixmonth relationship they had accidentally fallen into. While Angel remembered the nervous dates and hesitant kisses,Buffys thoughts drifted in another d irection. There was something she still didnt know, something that continued toplague her thoughts.

What changed, Angel? she asked, her voice pleading and sad. We were so happy, and then it was all gone. Thoughshed meant to stop there, her mind had other ideas. Why did you break up with me on my seventeenth birthday? Howcould you start dating someone so soon after? she continued, referring to how, only three days after the breakup, shedgone to The Bronze to see Ozs band perform and found Angel there with some skanky blonde.

Angel winced at the memory, hating himself all over again for his actions. Buffy, I-.

Well, hello there, Sunshine! a new voice interrupted from the doorway. Hope I didnt come at a bad time!

Buffy nearly snarled as she looked up to find Lorne, her shrink, standing just inside her room. Shed been so close togetting answers, but one look at Angel told her he was done being Mr. Chatty for the day. Grumbling to herself, sheslumped back against the pillows.

I could come back in a little bit, Lorne offered, sensing the tension in the room.

No, stay, Angel replied, quickly standing from the bed and moving away from Buffy. Ill go get something to eat with


19/37

Xander.

Before Buffy could say a word, tell him that this conversation wasnt over, Angel was gone.

~`~`~

Xander watched Angel walk wearily into the food court and then flop down onto one of the uncomfortable, metal cafeteriachairs. By the look on his friends face, he could tell that whatever had happened after he had left Angel and Buffy alone,it wasnt exactly good. Not that he was surprised by that f act. He had just hoped otherwise.

Rough day, huh? Xander quipped, picking at the rather gross sandwich hed gotten.

Yeah, agreed Angel, thinking Xander didnt know the half of it. Got any plans tonight?

Not that I know of, Xander answered, pushing his tray away. Why?

I want to go over to the house and clean up everything. Buffy shouldnt have to go home to that, Angel said, explaininghis idea. He didnt think it would be good for Buffy to have to see reminders of why shed been taken to the hospital.

Sure, Im free. Speaking of the house, what about Argyle? Xander asked, wondering what they were going to do withOzs dog.

I picked him up this morning and took him to Giles and Jennys house. Jenny said shed be happy to take care of him fora while, Angel responded, knowing instinctively that Buffy wouldnt want anything to happen to the dog.

The two made plans to meet later that day at Buffys house. Angel listened distractedly as Xander rambled on aboutsomething or other. After a while, he excused himself, needing to get some f resh air and some time to himself. Xandernodded understandingly, and watched as Angel walked away, lost deep in thought.

Once outside, Angel bypassed his car and wandered in the direction of the park next to the hospital. He sat heavily onone of the benches. A giggle of laughter drew his attention and his eyes landed on a young couple happily chasing eachother through the grass. The man soon caught up with the woman, his arms locking around her waist. For a moment,they only stared into each others eyes, but soon, their lips met. Angel averted his gaze as the intimate action remindedhim of one of the most defining moments in his life: his first kiss with Buffy.

(flashback)

Angel carried a bag of trash into the kitchen. He smiled when he saw Buffy standing by the counter, gathering plates for them to eat Ozs birthday cake on. She was smiling and humming to herself. He was glad she was having a good time.Things had been rough after her mothers death. Seeing her smile was enough to make him happy. Ever since hed takenher dress shopping three months earlier, everything she did made him smile. It was ridiculous, but he couldnt seem tostop.

Setting down the bag of trash, Angel walked over to Buffy. Need some help?

Sure. Can you carry the plates? she asked, reaching down to hand them to him.

At the same time, Angel moved to take the plates. Their hands met midway and both froze, the simple touch affectingthem both in ways they did not understand. Angel told himself to move, to snatch his hand away quickly, but heremained still. Buffy trembled, a myriad of new, but not unpleasant, feelings coursing through her being.

Angel...

Buffy...

That was it: the breathy caress of her voice saying his name and Angel came undone. He leaned into her, their lipsmeeting in a sweet, innocent kiss. It was wrong. He knew it was wrong. She was just sixteen, and he was three and ahalf years older than her. But he couldnt stop. It felt so right.

(end flashback)

A single kiss and it had changed everything. From that moment on, their t ime near each other had been filled with furtiveglances and shy smiles until they could no longer fight it any longer. Looking back, Angel wanted to say he regretted thatfirst kiss. But he couldnt. How could he regret something so absolutely wonderful? He only regretted what had happenedlater, when it had all fallen apart.

~`~`~

~`~`~ Part 7 ~`~`~

You and Angel seem pretty close, Lorne mused after the latter had left the room.

Buffy tore her eyes away from the door to look at Lorne, a frown firmly in place as she did so. Not really, she said,shrugging imperceptibly.


20/37

Lorne raised an eyebrow and gazed pointed ly at Buffy. Hes been here almost the entire t ime since you were admitted.

So? Buffy asked, hiding the whirling emotions she felt at the disclosure.

Tapping his pen against his chin, Lorne pondered his next choice of words. The tension between Buffy and Angel when hewalked into the room had almost been tangible. His instincts were telling him that there were some unresolved issuesbetween the two, and if t here were, he wondered what role they may have played in the troubled young girls breakdown.Experience told him that there was much more to Buffys problems than her brothers death.

It seems to me he cares a great deal about you, he replied at last.

Lips pursed, Buffy pulled her knees up to her chin. She didnt want to talk about Angel. She didnt even want to thinkabout Angel, or that he had stayed at the hospital, or that they had just had their longest conversation in three years.The less she thought about Angel, t he better off she was.

Can we not talk about Angel? she requested forcefully, emphasizing the word not.

All right then, what would you like to talk about? Lorne questioned, crossing his legs.

How bout nothing? Buffy muttered faintly. I dont see why we have to do this. Im fine!

Lorne took a moment to jot down some notes; Buffys veiled hostilit y, her reluctance to let anyone help her, and herapparent denial that anything was wrong. She seemed to be one very closed off young woman, in his mind.

Well, why dont we start with you telling me why youre here in this hospital, he started off his line of questioning.

Because Giles wont le me go home! she grumbled loudly, toying with the hem of her gown.

Flipping back several pages in the patient file sitting on his lap, Lorne recited the words written in Giles handwriting, Patient admitted to emergency room unconscious with multiple abrasions and lacerations to the arms and hands. OfficerONeil, who responded to the call of a woman in distress, reported that at least one room in the patients home had beenransacked.

Hearing the description, Buffy paled, her hands st illing in her lap.

Sound familiar? he asked, setting aside the file.

I-I...I dont know, she stuttered, shaking her head as if to force the memories out of her mind.

Tell me, Buffy, what do you remember about yesterday? Lorne pressed, sensing her veneer was cracking, and thoughhe hated the idea of causing her additional stress, there didnt seem to be any other choice.

Buffy barely heard the question directed at her. Images, little snippets of the past two weeks, flashed before her eyes.

***

Xand? Buffy...come on, ya gotta come with me!

*

No! Oz!

*

Im here, Oz. Hang on, youre gonna be fine. Buff...love....you.

*

The impact of the crash caused an Acute Subdural Hematoma; a form of bleeding in the space between the brain and the skull. His was particularly severe, and the build up of f luid put an immense amount of pressure on the brain which, inturn, has caused irreparable brain damage. Oz is, for lack of a better term, brain dead.

*

Beep...Beep......Beep.............Beep...............................

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

*

I dont want to leave him. Hell be all alone.


21/37

Hes not alone, Buffy. His soul is up in Heaven with your Mom.

*

I miss him. I do, too. But hell always be watching over you. Thats what big brothers do.

*

I shouldnt have had to come! Oz shouldnt be dead! she shouted.Its all your fault! He should have been with me. Oh, let me guess. He never told you. Have to protect poor, little Buffy. And he would have never gotten into an accident and been killed if he had gone with me! Its all your fault that hesdead because he had to stay and play guardian angel!

Her fault.

***

Buffy? Lorne said cautiously, growing worried over the blank look on her face and her trembling body. Leaning, over, hechecked his bag to make sure he had a sedative available if necessary.

Tears fell from her eyes. The trembling increased, shaking her entire body. Lorne reached into his bag and grabbed thesyringe. He tucked it into his pocket, deciding to use it if only absolutely necessary. Standing, he walked over to the bedand sat on the edge. He picked up one of her hands, holding it comfortingly. Physical contact wasnt a typical course of action, but he wasnt a typical doctor.

My fault, she whispered, not to Lorne, but to herself.

Lorne heard the barely uttered words and knew what she was referring to. Even though hed already been told about theconfrontation between Buffy and Willow, he needed her to talk about it. What was your fault? he prodded.

Buffy pressed a hand to her right temple, suddenly remembering she wasnt alone in the room. Nothing, she mumbled,scrunching back against the pillows to distance herself.

You can talk to me, Buffy. Im not here to judge you, or tell you that youre right or wrong. You can think of me as a big,fluffy, stuffed teddy bear who will listen to whatever you want to talk about, he offered, holding out his arms.

Despite her current mood, Buffy cracked the smallest of smiles at the thought of her shrink dressed up like a giant teddybear. It was too amusing not to smile at.

I saw that, Lorne said knowingly, but soon he turned serious again. I meant what I said. Im just here to listen, andtalk about anything.

Sighing, Buffy contemplated telling him to get the hell out of her room, but she didnt. A small part of her wanted to talk,wanted someone to tell her it would be okay. And Lorne was a bit endearing. He wasnt like other doctors with their cold,professional, distant demeanors. He just seemed so welcoming.

It was my fault, she repeated her earlier sentiment, averting her eyes in guilt.

What was your fault? Lorne asked again.

Buffy looked up at Lorne, trying to sort through the jumble of thoughts in her head. Everything was so confusing. The a-accident. It was my fault.

Lorne nodded, having suspected she had believed her friends accusation. Im told it was a car accident, and that youwere at home at the t ime. How can it be your f ault then? he asked, needing to help direct her to the real cause.

No. Buffy shook her head, Willows hurtful words replaying in her head. There shouldnt have been an accident. Heshouldnt have been here with me. He should have gone with Willow to Berkley.

I see, he said in that typical doctor tone. In a normal situation, Lorne would have had to ask for details and more of anexplanation to her statement, but in this case, he already knew much of the background. Between what Angel andXander had told him, and what Giles, the doctor who had not only treated Buffys mom and brother but who was alsoAngels uncle, had further explained, he knew much of Buffys case history.

Let me ask you a question, Lorne began. Did you ever ask your brother to stay here with you?

No, Buffy answered, wiping away some of her tears.

Did he ever tell you he wanted to leave, or to go with Willow? he continued.

Buffy frowned, wondering what Lorne was getting at. No.


22/37

Looking directly at her, he asked, Then how can it be your fault?

He stayed because of me! Because I was here! she shrieked, a few tears falling.

Maybe he wanted to stay, Lorne posed. Oz was your brother, Buffy. He loved you. Maybe he wanted to stay here inSunnydale.

A timer beeped, interrupting anything Buffy might have had to say in response. Lorne looked down at his watch, seeingthat their time was up and that he had to go see another patient. It was good timing, he supposed. Not being able tocontinue the conversation would leave Buffy with quite a bit to think about until their next appointment.

Well, that little ding means our time is up, he said as he stood and gathered his stuff. It didnt escape his attention thatBuffy appeared to be deep in thought. Ill see ya tomorrow, same time, same place.

Buffy mumbled a goodbye as her therapist shuffled out of the room. Her mind was elsewhere, though. That was the badthing about conflicting thoughts. They tended to suck up all of ones attention. And her mind was certainly filled withconflicting thoughts. It was a furious tug-of-war between Willows accusations, and Lornes logical alternate viewpoint.But who was right?

~`~`~

Angel and Xander stood silent and still in the center of the Summers living room surveying the damage of Buffysbreakdown. It was a chilling sight. Angel had seen it before, but hadnt had the chance to look around thoroughly. ForXander, it was his first look at the wreckage. It sent shivers down his spine to know Buffy had been so distraught tocause it all.

I knew I should have stayed here yesterday, Xander said, voicing the internal reprimand that had been repeating in hishead since late the night before.

Its not your fault, Xander, Angel assured him.

No, its Willows, spat Xander in disgust.

Sighing, Angel gazed around the room, shaking his head. As much as I hate to say it, I dont t hink this is her faulteither.

What? How can you say that? Xander said in a shocked semi-shout.

Because Giles and Lorne are right, something like this would have happened sooner or later, Angel explained, bendingover to right the upside-down coffee table. What Willow said contributed, but it wasnt the sole cause.

I guess youre right, Xander conceded, kneeling down to gather up the sheet music of Ozs that was scattered all overthe floor. Well, lets get some of this cleaned up.

Yeah, and well need to make a list of what needs to be replaced, added Angel. He had every intention of getting theroom back in order so that Buffy wouldnt have to deal with it. She had enough on her mind; she didnt need to worryabout cleaning.

Aye, Aye Captain, Xander mock saluted.

~`~`~

Two hours later, Xander was walking through the quiet, dimmed hallways of the hospital toward the nurses station nearBuffys room with a concerned look on his face. As he approached, the nurse behind the desk looked up at him, glancedat her watch then scowled.

Xander, visiting hours are over for the day, Amy Madison, the nurse, told him in a hushed voice.

Oh come on, Amy. No one will even know Im here, he responded, grinning at his former high school classmate.

Fine, she sighed in annoyance. But if anyone catches you, Ill tell them you snuck in.

kay, your ass is covered, Xander assured her, then focused back on why hed searched her out. Have you seen Buffy?Shes not in her room.

Oh, yeah. She said she wanted some fresh air so she went to sit out on the deck, she replied, referring to the smalloutdoors area that patients could sit in.

Thanks. I wont stay long. I just want to see how s

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